Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Fucking pudding, man.

The cage begins to slowly lower. Ominous music plays. Maggle introduces the match and Cunt JBL is a cunt for a while.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: At the time of writing, #FireJBL is trending on Twitter. Close followers of this blog will know that I am not a Cunt JBL fan and news that Mauro Ranallo (a far superior announcer to anyone else on the current WWE announcing team outside of Austin Aries and Corey Graves) is leaving due to a bout of depression brought on by bullying from Cunt JBL (Ranallo is bipolar as well) is heartening and tragic. Heartening because fans are finally moving away from the strange, sophomoric and archaic culture that wrestling has had over the past century – mean ribs, hazing, backstage bullying etc. – and tragic that WWE will obviously want to save face over this and likely keep Cunt JBL and hope that the story dies down. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is that WWE has its “Be A Star” anti-bullying initiative and this may force their hand. Unfortunately, this may only involve Cunt JBL leaving the announcing team (which is fantastic in and of itself) and he may continue to work in a backstage capacity, which is keeping him close and on the payroll but removing him from the spotlight. WWE might want to do this because Cunt JBL is a cunt and will likely go straight to the rrrrragsheets, brother, and sell stories from backstage to the highest bidder. Stories have been uncovered (or should I say REuncovered as many of them were known well before now especially by fans of the politics of wrestling) of Cunt JBL’s backstage bullying – homophobia regarding Chris Kanyon, soaping Edge’s arse in the shower, wrestler’s court etc. – and now a bigger audience is privy to the backstage culture that all wrestling, not just the WWE, needs to get away from. Phew.

So the fuckin’ cage is still coming down, I guess. Edge is a heel and Batista is face. They had a bad match last time, hopefully this will be better.

Cut to a promo where we see Edge beating Kennedy and cashing in the Money in the Bank to defeat Undertaker and take his championship. Teddy Long tells him that he will defend the belt against the winner of a #1 Contender Match. The winner is our boy Batista and his grumpy face. Edge slags Batista for losing at Judgement Day.

Back in the arena, we are told the rules of the steel cage match. We all know it.

Edge’s music – fuck sake, Fed – plays and the champion comes out first with farty pyro and a lovely shot of a Gilette car. Gots to get those sponsors in, huh? He stands in the ring.

Batista’s music hits and out comes Grumps McGraw himself, doesn’t go to either side like he usually does, instead he walks down, does his gatling gun pyro, looks at the steel cage for a wee while, and walks in. Cunt JBL and Maggle consider that Batista’s leg might not be as injured as it was on Judgment Day. Both men square off and the bell rings.

Steel Cage match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Edge just sprints right for the door as soon as the bell rings. Batista has him, drags him away and tosses him into the corner. Edge takes the time to climb up but is pulled off the wall by Batista. Edge takes an Irish Whip into the corner followed by an elbow. A second Irish Whip and Edge uses the momentum to scale the cage and gets on top of the turnbuckle as Edge falls back and rolls onto the apron. Camel Clutch in the middle of the ring, break back, make humble. The crowd bay for Batista. He actually covers Edge mid-ring. You can win a cage match by pinfall or submission but I have rarely seen it outside of a two-out-of-three-falls match or an elimination match. Edge climbs again and Batista removes him from the side of the cage like a spider being swept down a plughole. Lovely suplex from Batista. Another pin. Fail.

Batista finally attempts to climb the cage and it is Edge who takes him down with a dropkick to the knee. Batista falls, stalls on selling, oversells and gets a spear to the gut. Edge hits a lovely baseball slide. Pin attempt and Edge does not win.

Edge crawls to the door, attempts to escape but Batista drags him back in, literally. Edge fights back, goes to the turnbuckle, removes the ring rope padding and attempts to drive Batista’s skull into the steel. Batista lifts Edge, who escapes and hits the Edge-O-Matic. Edge crawls to the corner, gets to the tippy-top and Batista grabs him, gives him some lovely punches and a great superplex into the middle of the ring. Pin attempt and Edge kicks out. Batista starts to climb up not and the crowd go bananas as he gets to the edge and Edge himself is up, fighting back. Batista tosses Edge off, goes – stupidly – for the top-rope-nothing and Edge hits a missile dropkick. The crowd chants, “Bah-tee-stah!”

Both men run at each other, going for the spear/shoulder block. Cunt JBL considers the difference between being hurt and injured. Batista is up, ramming Edge into the cage wall and follows it up with a clothesline. Kick to the face from Edge and Batista hits the spinning Bossman Slam. Fair play. Pin attempt and fail. Edge attempts a dropkick but Batista swats it away. Catapult into the cage followed by a roll-up and Edge is still in it. Batista tosses Edge back into the cage wall and Edge is bust open. Batista is finally thrown into the exposed turnbuckle and a Spear to a very, very close pin attempt. Maggle asks, “Can you believe the punishment these two men have endeared?”

Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge jumps off, exposing his black thong as he does so. Edge falls onto the cage wall, crawls halfway over and Batista is up, dragging him back in, over the lip. Edge hits two low blows and Batista falls onto the ropes, wishboning himself. Edge climbs over but Batista is crawling for the door. Batista’s hands are on the floor when Edge plummets to the ground.

Edge has escaped from the cage, retaining his World Heavyweight Championship in 15:39.

2017 comments:

Actually a really good match. I didn’t expect it to be. The beginning was okay and the end was quite nice but the middle bit was the best wrestling I’ve seen in a while.

2007 comments:

Edge wears a thong, I guess.

Grade: A.

Edge escapes, “cowardly as ever,” says Maggle Cole.

Batista has a wee huff.

Cut to outside the arena where JR asks, “can we endure this extremeness one night a year?” Yes. Yes we can.

Promo for the drizzling shits that is our main event – Cena and Khali. Reminder of their awful match at Judgment Day, a match that Cena tried his hardest at but Khali shit the bed as usual. Khali tapped out and – lo and behold – he says about his leg being under the rope, something that I mentioned last month. The cheeky rascal. Cena wants a rematch, though, for some reason, and it’s a falls-count-anywhere match. Khali and Cena stood off at Saturday Night’s Main Event where Khali beat Cena. So they have traded wins.

Justin Roberts tells us that this match can only be won by pinfall, but the pinfall can be anywhere in the building. So that means they can’t pin each other in the parking lot, I guess. Khali comes down and his music is shit and no one cares. The announcers attempt to put his height over. They put over the fact that he has never been pinned and that is the only way to win this.

Then John Cena comes out and the building loses its shit. He’s a great lad, isn’t he? Justin Roberts rocks his, “Jeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaahn Ceeeeee-naaaaaaaaaah,” line as the doctor of thuganomics stares at the challenger and does not take his eyes off him even as he throws his hands up for the end of the first verse.

Falls Count Anywhere match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.

Good thing the champ came out second here. Cena circles Khali and gets a boot in on him. He purposely keeps himself lower so that Khali looks far taller. Khali catches Cena’s leg and knocks him down, follows him around the ring, raining attacks down on him. Kids chant for Cena. The volume is raised. JR says that Khali has a “setlist of moves,” which is akin to saying that Cunt JBL has “a range of emotions.” Khali puts all his weight on Cena’s head. Big boot and down goes our man Face Cena. Khali boots on Cena’s head for a while. What a main event. Super Cena jumps up for the next spot as Khali boots him in the head. Again.

Khali lifts Cena up for the bodyslam and holds him there for a decent amount of time. Khali attempts the leg drop and Cena rolls away. Despite this being a falls-count-anywhere match, they have stayed mid-ring. Cena hits the sunset-flip-stunner and goes top rope for some reason. Khali punches Cena and then shoves him off the turnbuckle, something which Cena did not seem to realise was going to happen. Khali puts one boot on Cena’s chest for the pin. Cena kicks out and Khali throws him on an announcer’s desk. Khali calls for the chop but Cena blocks it, catches it and is tossed over the guardrail into the crowd. Oh, so here is the “anywhere” part of the “falls count anywhere” stipulation. Khali tosses Cena into the sound desk and Cena cracks him with a monitor. He builds up steam and attempts the FU but fails.

We know that the FU is coming, we just don’t know when… or where!

The pair fight towards the titantron with a lovely red wash on them both. Cena is crawling away from Khali slowly. Khali is jawing off to the crowd. Cena hits Khali with the camera arm and goes for the cover but Cena kicks out. Cena, once again, goes for the FU but cannot get it. There is a truck backstage and Khali tosses Cena on it easily. It’s a crane truck thing. Khali climbs up and shouts at the crowd. The crane camera is all twisted. Cena escapes a chokeslam, lifts Khali and tosses him off the crane for the FU and the pin.

John Cena has pinned The Great Khali to retain his WWE Championship in 10:30.

2017 comments:

Needed to be more choreographed. Khali is not good enough to do anything less than total choreography.

2007 comments:

I hope this is the last Khali match.

Grade: C.

Not as bad as I feared, but still pretty bad. Cena rocks back to the ring to hot dog and grand stand.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but Batista and Edge had a great match, much better than I had expected it to be.

Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Maria for the pudding match? No.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Batista and Edge.

Best Spot: Rolling Thunder to snap powerslam from Randy and RVD.

Hatches: Santino Marella!

Matches: The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Bobby Lashley finally legitimately regains his ECW World Championship for the 2nd time; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: Last time we said goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit but it appears that his final PPV appearance was actually as a lumberjack, though that doesn’t count as he did fuck all. For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to Charlie Haas, Chris Masters, Elijah Burke, Kane, Marcus Cor Von, Mark Henry, Matt Striker, Rob Van Dam, Shane McMahon, Shelton Benjamin, The Great Khali, The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Vince McMahon and the other Lumberjacks: Val Venis, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Dude Thorn and Kenny Dykstra.

Closing Statements: I thought it was going to be the worst thing because they were still appropriating the ECW name but making it WWE, but it wasn’t that bad. It really wasn’t.

On the Card will return on June 24 2017 with the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression blog, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good old Hardys. Never miss a ladder match. Miss a lot of spots, though.

Cut backstage to Khali cutting a rambling promo on Cena in Punjabi. His translator gives his promo in English. It’s nothing to write home about.

Cut to the ring where Tony Chimel is introducing the Lumberjack Match, where twelve lads stand outside the ring and wait until someone falls out and they push them back in. [REDACTED] Benoit arrives, looking super pissed off that he is not competing. Behind him is Valentine Venis, Santino Marella, Balls Mahoney, Steven Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Thorn, Chris Masters, Johnny Nitro, Chavo Guerrero, Kenny Dykstra mit dead fox and Carlito. There is little craic from them. Stevie Richards jumps on Balls’ back.

Somebody gon’ get they ass kicked! It’s Mark Henry! He’s out, covered in butter or whatever. The announcers sell the fact that Mark Henry is the World’s Strongest Man. This is before Game of Thrones, I suppose.

Big fiery pyro and Kane rocks out, popping into the ring and squaring up to Henry after hitting the turnbuckle pyro.

Lumberjack Match: Mark Henry vs. Kane.

This is the first match of the card that allows pinfall or submission, so you know it’s going to be great. Kane and Henry circle each other and Henry tosses him out. The Lumberjacks scatter, no way are they going near the Devil’s Favourite Demon. Big slow, methodical movement as Henry is tossed out. The Lumberjacks surround him and get tossed away easily. Henry rolls back in and he and Kane beat each other in the corner. Henry rolls out and Kane goes with him. The Lumberjacks are keeping their distance as Henry tosses him into the ringpost. Henry rolls into the ring and the Lumberjacks pick up Kane and allow him to enter. Henry continues to attack Kane’s back with double axe-handle nothings and club-like punches. Kane fights back with his great big punches and Henry retaliates with a powerslam. First pinfall attempt and a fail.

Kane headbutts out man Henry and gets knocked down for his effort. Both men are really selling the fact that they are glass cannons here. Both attacks do lots of damage. The fear is not that either men are impervious, more that regardless of their defence, their attack is brutal. Kane attempts a Rock Bottom but his back is sore. Val Venis is hammering out a tune on the ring, really reacting to everything in the ring. Cunt JBL gives off because he doesn’t like fun. Big rest hold city mid-ring as Mark hugs Kane. Kane falls to the floor and pulls Henry out. Kane goes top-rope, jumps and hits a bowling ball spot as the lads go sprawling everywhere. Chavo and Kenny help Kane back into the ring and two monsters punch each other for a while. Miz and Stevie Richards shout at each other as Kane goes to the top rope again, knocking Mark down, hitting a lovely chokeslam but two lumberjacks jump in before the pin can be applied.

Kane one-hand-chokeslams Kenny and Mark gives Kane another bear hug. Kane is hurt, he’s passing out. The ref is imploring him to quit, but he’s not giving up. The ref stops the match.

The match has finished due to ref stoppage. Mark Henry is the default winner in 9:07.

2017 comments:

Meh. It’s a nice way to get both men over as powerful without it being a stalemate but to end with a bearhug? I mean, come on, guys.

2007 comments:

Do you think that Kane and Henry are considered… bears?

Grade: C.

Not a good bunch of matches so far, if I’m honest. Replays of the match.

Cut to Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin who are complaining about the loss of the match. Shelton and Jeff square off. Punches are thrown. People break it up. It’s a real to-do, I tell you what.

Cut to Bobbo Lasher and McMahon Street Fight promo. Back in Wrasslemania, Vince got his head shaved by Cunt President Donald Trump and Stone Cold. Vince blamed Bobbo and took his ECW championship, which was bound to hurt him badly. Bobby beat a handicap match but Vince refused to give his championship up and so another rematch was called. Vince didn’t actually want one, but Shane protected his father’s ego by accepting. Makes little sense… unless Shane is trying to screw over Vince… again.

Justin Roberts introduces the Street Fight and its lack of disqualifications… which all matches so far have had. AND THEN GOD DAMMIT WWE YOU BRING OUT THE CHAMP FIRST AGAIN.

Vince rocks out with Shane and Umaga. Sure why not? It is his birthday. It is not his birthday. They’re talking about it being a three-on-one handicap match and Umaga being the “Samoan Bulldozer”. I’ve no real fear of that because Umaga has lost his winning streak. He’s pathetic now.

Bobby’s music hits and there is a decent pop for Roidy Lasher. He hits his pyro, covers himself in golden sparks and walks to the ring, hitting hit massive jump and more turnbuckle pyro.

Street Fight for the ECW World Championship: Vince McMahon (c) (with Umaga and Shane McMahon) vs. Bobby Lashley.

Shane and Vince in the ring, Bobby runs to the ropes, does a suicide dive, botches by holding onto the rope and barely grazes Umaha, who sells like death. Shane is hammering on Bobby, who knocks him down and tosses him out onto Umaga. Bobby and Vince are alone and the crowd goes wild as he rains punches on Vince. Shane rocks in, is tossed out, Umaga comes in and takes over for a second, but is thrown into a corner. Shane comes in with a chair, Lashley gets rid of him, tosses the chair and is about to hit Vince with a Dominator when Shane and Umaga take over, hitting Lasher with a DDT on the chair.

It’s three on one now and the first few minutes are forgotten as the pace slows, the men beat up Bobbo and he attempts to build up some babyface fire. Double team Irish whip into Vince, who kicks him in the balls. The announcers make it clear that something might happen on the table by moving back and saying, “uh oh!” Vince takes… a hammer? Something from a dude by the side of the ring. It’s a bell hammer, apparently. He doesn’t hit Lasher with it, just chokes him with it. Vince then chokes Lasher with a wire. We are halfway through the match here, not one pin attempt, neither announcer is making that a big deal. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop and a pin attempt is finally made but fails.

Vince hits a sad, sad spear on Lasher but gets nothing from the pinfall. Why he doesn’t get Umaga and Shane to hold Bobbo down during a pin is beyond me. Crowd is dead. Bobbo is held down by the McMahons and Umaga goes for the splash. Bobbo, at the last second, does a sit-up, Vince gets squashed and it’s time to go home. Both Shane and Umaga are tossed out. Bobbo gets the chair, cracks Vince with it and hammers on his back for a while. The announcers say that this is legal and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Bobbo hits the Dominator, goes for the three but Umaga drags him out before he can get the pin.

Outside, Bobbo gets a chair after beating Umaga, but is knocked down. Umaga jumps to the floor from the apron and the announcer’s table is finally destroyed. Lashley is draped over the table, Shane goes to the corner and hits a lovely elbow that elicts, “Holy shit!” chants from the crowd. Bobby is thrown into the ring and a pin attempt is made and failed. Umaga rocks in to beat on Lasher in the corner. He rears back to hit the Rikishi arse-bump in the corner and Shane takes over with a trashcan, hoping to hit a Coast-to-Coast. No selling there from the younger McMahon. Bobby rolls out of the way at the last second, Umaga gets hit with the trashcan and Bobby gets his revenge with a spear once to Shane and then to Vince for the pin.

Bobby Lashley has pinned Vince McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 12:23.

2017 comments:

A nice wee revenge match for the Lasher. Not amazing, but plays to the strengths of each other competitors and makes Lasher look really strong.

2007 comments:

I never get sick of seeing the McMahons lose.

Grade: B.

Lashley spears Vince again in the middle of his music. Replays shown and Bobbo goes to the back with his belt.

Cut to Maria and Santino chatting in Italian. They get interrupted by Todd who reminds Maria that Candice Michelle and Melina are having a pudding match. Maria spouts gibberish for a while. She doesn’t answer the question. Candice Michelle turns up and hits her three lines. She asks for a kiss for good luck and Maria gives her one. Santino says he loves America and Ron Simmons says, “Damn”. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Cut to the “pudding”, which seems to be filmed from a hoody.

Candice Michelle comes out and some very embarrassed fans hold up some very sad signs.

Melina’s music hits and out she comes. Both women are in bikinis. Melina even has goggles. JR tries to shill the next PPV. Both women stand awkwardly. This is going to be a long segment.

Pudding Match: Candice Michelle vs. Melina.

Of course, this match is not for the Women’s Championship, which makes it a waste of goddamn time even more than it was before I knew the title wasn’t on the line. Candice puts one foot in the pudding, grabs Melina and tosses her in. The women rock in the pudding for a while, slide out and get told to get back in. Candice slips. Sexy pin on the outside. JR and Jerry wonder about the rules of the pudding match. Double axe-handle nothing. The guys are finding it hard to realise who is who. The crowd chant for, “Boring.” There’s a DDT into the pudding. Jerry puts the sexiness of the women over. Candice drowns Melina and she taps out, well, slaps the pudding.

Melina has tapped out or suffered drowning in the pudding. Candice Michelle wins in 2:55.

2017 comments:

I would normally complain about this because women’s wrestling etc. but this match doesn’t pretend to be anything more than nonsense, so, in way, it’s the most successful match on the card.

2007 comments:

I wonder is it pudding.

Grade: Nooooope.

Maria turns up. Let’s see what happens.

She congratulates Candice on her win, Melina tosses pudding and Maria dives in. Then the ref is dragged in. Melina escapes and someone’s music plays as the faces hug.

On the Card will return on June 17 2017 with the third and final part of One Night Stand 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 1

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #19 One Night Stand – June 3, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 3, 2007, One Night Stand 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February. Unlike the other One Night Stand PPVs, which were ECW PPVs, this one was tri-branded and had Raw, Smackdown and ECW matches on the card. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE One Night Stand 2007

Extreme Rules

Back to the taglines. Good job, Fed. I’m proud of you. The poster is Bobbly Lashley looking ticked off, with red and white lights on him, like he’s doing a poop.

The promo package tells us that the only rules tonight are the extreme rules… which means gimmicked matches. Oh that’s nice. We have a Falls Count Anywhere match between Cena and Khali, Vince and Bobby in a Street Fight match, Batista and Edge in a cage match. How many of those people were in ECW? Nooooone. Fantastic. There’s also a ladder match, a tables match, a stretcher match, a lumberjack match and a pudding match on the cards. This super-gimmicked event was changed to Extreme Rules later, but it still sucks. Quit forcing good wrestlers into shit matches. No one cares about a cage match because you do one once every three weeks. Chill out with the fuckin’ cages.

Raw, ECW and Smackdown present WWE’s One Night Stand and we are welcomed into the Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena in Jacksonville, Florida by our announce team, Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler for Raw, Joey Styles and Tazz for ECW and Cunt JBL and Moustache Maggle Cole for Smackdown. They spit out one liners and pre-written nonsense as 7,000 fans cheer along with the 186,000 at home (a massive drop from the 304,000 from One Night Stand 2006). It’s not in the ECW arena, we have no ECW fans here, this may as well have been called WWE Super Best Show ’07.

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Santino Marella and Chris Masters. That seems fair.)

Mid ring, the announcer introduces the rules of the first match: A stretcher match where you need to put your opponent on a stretcher and roll them over the finish line.

Old Randers Orton has his music playing as he strolls to the ring, hits the legend killer pose and cuts to a promo featuring Randy and RVD. Rob was ticked off that Orton would treat Shawn Michaels so badly at the last PPV, Judgment Day. We see a twisted, slow motion replay of Randy RKOing RVD a lot. Orton looks at the stretcher. Yep, it’s a stretcher.

Farty pyro and the whole fucking show comes down, Rob Van Dam. I just realised that the tron is covered in chairs and tables and ladders and all sorts of shit.

Stretcher Match: Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam.

I’ve changed up the titles of the matches. Putting champion first or in order of appearance.

Randy and Robbie stare at each other for a bit. It’s very sexy. The crowd chant for RVD because Orton is a bit of a prick. Rob stabs Randy in the chest and goes for his “Rob! Van! Dam!” spot but boots Randy before he can finish. JR reminds us – as RVD boots Randy in the face – that neither men care for pinfalls or submissions in this match. They care only for the stretcher. Lovely ten punch and then monkey flip from RVD. Crowd chant some more. Randy is taking a pummelling in the opening minutes of this matchup. Let’s see how this works out. RVD attempts a run into the corner, Randy stops him but gets a wee kick in the head for his efforts. Another Irish Whip, another reversal and another kick to the jaw.

Randy misses a punch and gets a punch to the jaw. Randy gets a lucky shot in and Van Dam sells it like death. RVD acts like has no idea what the hell is happening and Randy attempts an RKO but gets a boot in the face. RVD goes to the top rope, misses and falls off. Is it real? Is it Kayfabe? We do not know. Randy takes over, though, and lifts Rob up, giving him a bit of a beating and a standing dropkick to the face. Great shot. This is the opening match and the pace is super slow. Not impressive, lads, I expect better. JR and King put RVD over but it isn’t helping. Rob sells every move from Randy. Orton tries to roll Rob out but he holds onto the bottom rope, denying it.

The ref checks on RVD, but Orton wastes no time in hitting a lovely suplex, rolling Van Dam out of the ring, onto the stretcher… and off the stretcher. Van Dam does a pair of jumping punches against Orton, suddenly is back to normal and throws Randy into the ringpost. Van Dam is setting up the stretcher and rolls Randy onto it. He then goes to the apron as Jerry goes, “Rob! Just roll him across the finish line!” and hits a stupid spinning dropkick. It looks dumb.

In the ring, RVD gains some steam, attempts to hit Rolling Thunder, is lifted up by Orton into a great powerslam, probably the best of the match so far. Orton is attempting to suplex Van Dam to the outside, but gets a dropkick to his face instead. Van Dam sets up the stretcher and drags Randy over to it, bopping Orton on the head for good measure. Van Dam then goes into the ring – causing Jerry to scream, “Oh! Come on, Rob!” – and hits a lovely suicide senton over the top rope. Randy escapes, however, and RVD’s legs crack off the stretcher. Very painful looking. Randy lifts up Van Dam, pops him onto the stretcher and begins to push it up towards the finish line. RVD sits up, fights back, kicks Randy in the head, dropping him onto the stretcher. All it takes is a tiny push and RVD wins.

Rob Van Dam has defeated Randy Orton by pushing him over the finish line in 14:31.

2017 comments:

Awful opener and it’s all RVD’s fault. He was just terrible. There was no consistency or build-up in his movements. Either he was faking it – in which case he should have telegraphed that to the audience – or he didn’t care less about the match looking good, he just wanted it over and done with as soon as possible. That’s fine. Don’t take fifteen minutes to have a bad match when you can have one in five.

2007 comments:

Ohhh, Rob’s gonna get it.

Grade: D.

Randy is up – obviously both men have forgotten the art of selling – and as the ref announces that RVD has won, Randy hits him from behind. JR quips, “that’s not unusual for Orton to attack people from behind.” Randy goes to the apron and boots RVD in the head – “A brain-rattling kick!” Rob stares ahead. Randy lifts him up, hangs him over the guardrail, dangles him and hits a murderous DDT. One fan shouts, “Holy shit!” on his own. The ref tells Randy to leave but he stares on. Cheeky monkey. EMTs arrive with… another stretcher. JR attempts to piece this together as best he can. Replays of RVD winning the match and Randy’s repercussions.

Cut to the back where Vince is, “shinin’ up [the ECW belt] reeeal nice.” Vince puts together that it is Lashley’s last stand at One Night Stand. He gets real with Shane and says that he feels that something bad might happen to him. Shane is worried that it’s about the match tonight but reminds Vince that both Shane and Umaga will be there.

Back in the ring, the announcer tells us the rules of a tables match. We know the rules. He tells us that the tables are stored below the ring. Thank you.

Shitty cover of Metallica’s Enter Sandman as he arrives through the crowd. He busts himself wide open, walks over the guardrail, opens another beer and a shitty cover of Alice in Chains’ Man in the Box plays as Tommy Dreamer arrives… with a weird titantron video telling us the competitor’s names. So it just says Elijah Burke when he arrives. Hah.

CM Punk rocks out, joining the ECW Originals, despite the fact that he’s never been in the original ECW.

The New Breed appear all at once, walking out to the ring together. Once again, Elijah and Punk square off. Both ECW lads wearing full clothes because God forbid they have muscles.

Tables Match: The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer and CM Punk vs. The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Matt Striker and Marcus Cor Von).

This is a tables match, it’s at an Extreme Rules event and yet Dreamer and Cor Von start off. Why aren’t Sandman and Punk setting up a table? There is no pinfall or submission needed. Just set up a table, walk in, lift the lightest of the lads and toss them outside. What are they going to do? Disqualify you? It’s a tables match!

Elijah Burke jumps in, gets a bulldog from Burke, gives him a flapjack and Sandman hits a hip toss. That man can’t wrestle. Punk is in, rocking Striker with a Bulldog. Punk lifts Striker up for the Bossman Slam as Dreamer hits the elbow. Punk and Dreamer do the Dudleys “Get the tables!” spot and there’s a suicide dive. Sandman uses his Singapore cane without disqualification and there’s a schmoz. Crowd chant for tables. Striker gets a double suplex… but Marcus moves the table before it can happen. Both Burke and Cor Van double team Punk and celebrate for some time. Striker is told to set up the table and he does mid-ring. Both Dreamer and Sandman are down for the count and Striker sets up the table in the corner. Sandman and Dreamer pop in to “save” CM Punk. Sandman goes up for a ten count and is thrown off the turnbuckle. He lands badly. Dreamer hits a lovely spinebuster. Marcus hits Punk with a powerbomb… and misses the table. It was right behind you, bro. Just throw him into it. Marcus sets up Punk carefully on the table and as he goes top rope, Sandman hits him with the cane. Dreamer hits Burke with a piledriver, sets him on the table and Punk superplexes Striker off the top rope.

CM Punk has just put both Matt Striker and Elijah Burke through a table, thus winning the match in 7:18.

2017 comments:

Terrible start, but then it was never going to be a good match. They should have put the weaker wrestlers – Dreamer and Sandman – on the outside and focussed on Punk. If they had changed the rules – no weapons but the tables – then the heels could have sneakily beat on Dreamer and Sandman every time they got up. Five minutes of a beat down on Punk where he occasionally escapes until the New Breed get cocky, set up the table and get fucked by the garbage wrestlers. This was shit at the start, decent at the end.

2007 comments:

How is Sandman still working?

Grade: C.

The “ECW” team cheer at this short match at an old ECW event. Sandman looks happy to be done with it. I don’t know why he’s still working for anyone. He’s very bad.

Cut to the back and Edgy McEdge is lacing his boots when Randal Orton arrives to remind him that they were once friends. He threatens Edge by saying that if Edge beats Batista and Randy gets traded to Smackdown then he’s next. Edge threatens him back. Heel-on-heel action here.

JR says that the locker room isn’t big enough to hold both their egos.

Justin Roberts reminds us of the rules of the ladder match and OH CHRIST THE FUCKING CHAMPS ARE OUT FIRST. Fuck you, Fed. Fat Matt and Mental Jeff Hardy rock down to the ring, clapping hands and being gentlemen. Jeff has a stupid beard.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team – Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas – are out next, taking their time coming to the ring and wearing sunglasses inside like jerkfaces. JR reminds us that – once again – no pinfalls or submissions are necessary to win this. JR doesn’t know how high the belts will be hung.

Ladder Match for the World Tag Team Championship: The Hardys (Matt and Jeff) (c) vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas).

Big “Hardys!” chant as the Hardys gives a lovely double suplex to Haas and leg drop/elbow drop to Shelton. Haas fights back with a double clothesline. All four men get ladders, stare at each other for a while and the Hardys toss them away, dropkick the challengers and set ladders in the turnbuckle to toss Haas into. Then they throw more ladders at him and then Shelton Benjamin to do a lovely Poetry in Motion, tossing the ladders – and Haas – onto Shelton. Jeff tries to climb up but is taken down by Charlie Haas. Both Hardys are on the floor as the crowd chant their name. Matt gives Charlie a lovely electric chair drop from the ladder and both Hardys climb the ladder, pausing for the spot where Shelton tosses a ladder at the ladder and knocks them both off the ladder.

The spotfest continues as Shelton and Charlier do a very weak and unorthodox slingshot into a ladder in the corner. The crowd boo. A polite (but unimpressed) applause would have been better. Hardys stop the World’s Greatest Tag Team from climbing the ladder and they get punished for it. Matt has a ladder pressed against him and then dropkicked. Haas and Benjamin set up the same catapult that hurt Joey Mercury a while ago at Armageddon 2006. Luckily, there does not seem to be a botch here as Shelton is hip tossed onto the ladder and the business end is kept away from Charlie Haas’ face. They do the same to Charlie Haas and just miss the same thing happening to the Hardys. Double clothesline and everyone other than Haas is outside. The Hardys go and get themselves some king-size ladders from outside the ring. Haas (backne and all) is tossed onto a ladder and Matt attempts to suplex Shelton from the inside to the ouside. He is denied this, but seconds later, Matt tosses Shelton out anyways. JR is listing off the injuries sustained as Matt sets Shelton on the ladder lain from the apron to the guardrail. Jeef attempts a Swanton, is denied by Haas who super-belly-to-belly suplexes him into the ring. Matt rocks in, hits the Side Effect, sets up a ladder mid-ring, climbing and reaching for the tag team belts but the World’s Greatest Tag Team knock him off.

Outside, Roidy Hass is attempting to set up a ladder contraption and inside Shelton hits Jeff with a lovely T-Bone suplex. Shelton climbs a ladder mid-ring, blesses himself, jumps out and… hits Matt with his dick, I suppose. JR sells it as his elbow, but it was not his elbow, it was his dick. Haas is up the ladder, miles away from the actual championship and Jeff is up the other side, superplexing Charlie Haas off the ladder, by Christ. “Hardy!” chant rises as Jeff moves the ladder and climbs it super quick, but, predictably, stops at the end. Shelton Benjamin leaps from the apron, fixes a botch mid-spin and still manages to knock Jeff off the ladder. Fair play. Matt tries to toss Shelton off the ladder but Shelton, once again, misses his ropes and Matt has to hit the Twist of Fate to get the heat back.

Two ladders in the ring, Matt is at the top of one, Shelton atop t’other. Their partners climb, both teams at the top of the ladder, Hardys are pushed off and they bounce back to toss the World’s Greatest Tag Team off. Jeff hits a superfluous Swanton and Matt climbs the ladder to get the belts.

Matt Hardy has just collected the Tag Team Belts from atop the ring in 17:17.

2017 comments:

Spotty McSpotfest over here with the spots. Quite good match, one where there is no story, no real selling and just ingenious ways of using the ladders. Most of the spots were new, some weren’t, some didn’t work and none were really highlight reel material, but a good match had by all.

2007 comments:

Do you think the Hardys like painkillers?

Grade: B.

JR stumbles through a quote attempts. “The Hardys have proved that they are no match in a ladder match.” Replays of the life-shortening stunts in the match. Shelton, at one point, lands on a ladder and is lucky that his ankle didn’t pass through a rung and break.

On the Card will return on June 10 2017 with the second part of One Night Stand 2007.