Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good old Hardys. Never miss a ladder match. Miss a lot of spots, though.

Cut backstage to Khali cutting a rambling promo on Cena in Punjabi. His translator gives his promo in English. It’s nothing to write home about.

Cut to the ring where Tony Chimel is introducing the Lumberjack Match, where twelve lads stand outside the ring and wait until someone falls out and they push them back in. [REDACTED] Benoit arrives, looking super pissed off that he is not competing. Behind him is Valentine Venis, Santino Marella, Balls Mahoney, Steven Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Thorn, Chris Masters, Johnny Nitro, Chavo Guerrero, Kenny Dykstra mit dead fox and Carlito. There is little craic from them. Stevie Richards jumps on Balls’ back.

Somebody gon’ get they ass kicked! It’s Mark Henry! He’s out, covered in butter or whatever. The announcers sell the fact that Mark Henry is the World’s Strongest Man. This is before Game of Thrones, I suppose.

Big fiery pyro and Kane rocks out, popping into the ring and squaring up to Henry after hitting the turnbuckle pyro.

Lumberjack Match: Mark Henry vs. Kane.

This is the first match of the card that allows pinfall or submission, so you know it’s going to be great. Kane and Henry circle each other and Henry tosses him out. The Lumberjacks scatter, no way are they going near the Devil’s Favourite Demon. Big slow, methodical movement as Henry is tossed out. The Lumberjacks surround him and get tossed away easily. Henry rolls back in and he and Kane beat each other in the corner. Henry rolls out and Kane goes with him. The Lumberjacks are keeping their distance as Henry tosses him into the ringpost. Henry rolls into the ring and the Lumberjacks pick up Kane and allow him to enter. Henry continues to attack Kane’s back with double axe-handle nothings and club-like punches. Kane fights back with his great big punches and Henry retaliates with a powerslam. First pinfall attempt and a fail.

Kane headbutts out man Henry and gets knocked down for his effort. Both men are really selling the fact that they are glass cannons here. Both attacks do lots of damage. The fear is not that either men are impervious, more that regardless of their defence, their attack is brutal. Kane attempts a Rock Bottom but his back is sore. Val Venis is hammering out a tune on the ring, really reacting to everything in the ring. Cunt JBL gives off because he doesn’t like fun. Big rest hold city mid-ring as Mark hugs Kane. Kane falls to the floor and pulls Henry out. Kane goes top-rope, jumps and hits a bowling ball spot as the lads go sprawling everywhere. Chavo and Kenny help Kane back into the ring and two monsters punch each other for a while. Miz and Stevie Richards shout at each other as Kane goes to the top rope again, knocking Mark down, hitting a lovely chokeslam but two lumberjacks jump in before the pin can be applied.

Kane one-hand-chokeslams Kenny and Mark gives Kane another bear hug. Kane is hurt, he’s passing out. The ref is imploring him to quit, but he’s not giving up. The ref stops the match.

The match has finished due to ref stoppage. Mark Henry is the default winner in 9:07.

2017 comments:

Meh. It’s a nice way to get both men over as powerful without it being a stalemate but to end with a bearhug? I mean, come on, guys.

2007 comments:

Do you think that Kane and Henry are considered… bears?

Grade: C.

Not a good bunch of matches so far, if I’m honest. Replays of the match.

Cut to Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin who are complaining about the loss of the match. Shelton and Jeff square off. Punches are thrown. People break it up. It’s a real to-do, I tell you what.

Cut to Bobbo Lasher and McMahon Street Fight promo. Back in Wrasslemania, Vince got his head shaved by Cunt President Donald Trump and Stone Cold. Vince blamed Bobbo and took his ECW championship, which was bound to hurt him badly. Bobby beat a handicap match but Vince refused to give his championship up and so another rematch was called. Vince didn’t actually want one, but Shane protected his father’s ego by accepting. Makes little sense… unless Shane is trying to screw over Vince… again.

Justin Roberts introduces the Street Fight and its lack of disqualifications… which all matches so far have had. AND THEN GOD DAMMIT WWE YOU BRING OUT THE CHAMP FIRST AGAIN.

Vince rocks out with Shane and Umaga. Sure why not? It is his birthday. It is not his birthday. They’re talking about it being a three-on-one handicap match and Umaga being the “Samoan Bulldozer”. I’ve no real fear of that because Umaga has lost his winning streak. He’s pathetic now.

Bobby’s music hits and there is a decent pop for Roidy Lasher. He hits his pyro, covers himself in golden sparks and walks to the ring, hitting hit massive jump and more turnbuckle pyro.

Street Fight for the ECW World Championship: Vince McMahon (c) (with Umaga and Shane McMahon) vs. Bobby Lashley.

Shane and Vince in the ring, Bobby runs to the ropes, does a suicide dive, botches by holding onto the rope and barely grazes Umaha, who sells like death. Shane is hammering on Bobby, who knocks him down and tosses him out onto Umaga. Bobby and Vince are alone and the crowd goes wild as he rains punches on Vince. Shane rocks in, is tossed out, Umaga comes in and takes over for a second, but is thrown into a corner. Shane comes in with a chair, Lashley gets rid of him, tosses the chair and is about to hit Vince with a Dominator when Shane and Umaga take over, hitting Lasher with a DDT on the chair.

It’s three on one now and the first few minutes are forgotten as the pace slows, the men beat up Bobbo and he attempts to build up some babyface fire. Double team Irish whip into Vince, who kicks him in the balls. The announcers make it clear that something might happen on the table by moving back and saying, “uh oh!” Vince takes… a hammer? Something from a dude by the side of the ring. It’s a bell hammer, apparently. He doesn’t hit Lasher with it, just chokes him with it. Vince then chokes Lasher with a wire. We are halfway through the match here, not one pin attempt, neither announcer is making that a big deal. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop and a pin attempt is finally made but fails.

Vince hits a sad, sad spear on Lasher but gets nothing from the pinfall. Why he doesn’t get Umaga and Shane to hold Bobbo down during a pin is beyond me. Crowd is dead. Bobbo is held down by the McMahons and Umaga goes for the splash. Bobbo, at the last second, does a sit-up, Vince gets squashed and it’s time to go home. Both Shane and Umaga are tossed out. Bobbo gets the chair, cracks Vince with it and hammers on his back for a while. The announcers say that this is legal and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Bobbo hits the Dominator, goes for the three but Umaga drags him out before he can get the pin.

Outside, Bobbo gets a chair after beating Umaga, but is knocked down. Umaga jumps to the floor from the apron and the announcer’s table is finally destroyed. Lashley is draped over the table, Shane goes to the corner and hits a lovely elbow that elicts, “Holy shit!” chants from the crowd. Bobby is thrown into the ring and a pin attempt is made and failed. Umaga rocks in to beat on Lasher in the corner. He rears back to hit the Rikishi arse-bump in the corner and Shane takes over with a trashcan, hoping to hit a Coast-to-Coast. No selling there from the younger McMahon. Bobby rolls out of the way at the last second, Umaga gets hit with the trashcan and Bobby gets his revenge with a spear once to Shane and then to Vince for the pin.

Bobby Lashley has pinned Vince McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 12:23.

2017 comments:

A nice wee revenge match for the Lasher. Not amazing, but plays to the strengths of each other competitors and makes Lasher look really strong.

2007 comments:

I never get sick of seeing the McMahons lose.

Grade: B.

Lashley spears Vince again in the middle of his music. Replays shown and Bobbo goes to the back with his belt.

Cut to Maria and Santino chatting in Italian. They get interrupted by Todd who reminds Maria that Candice Michelle and Melina are having a pudding match. Maria spouts gibberish for a while. She doesn’t answer the question. Candice Michelle turns up and hits her three lines. She asks for a kiss for good luck and Maria gives her one. Santino says he loves America and Ron Simmons says, “Damn”. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Cut to the “pudding”, which seems to be filmed from a hoody.

Candice Michelle comes out and some very embarrassed fans hold up some very sad signs.

Melina’s music hits and out she comes. Both women are in bikinis. Melina even has goggles. JR tries to shill the next PPV. Both women stand awkwardly. This is going to be a long segment.

Pudding Match: Candice Michelle vs. Melina.

Of course, this match is not for the Women’s Championship, which makes it a waste of goddamn time even more than it was before I knew the title wasn’t on the line. Candice puts one foot in the pudding, grabs Melina and tosses her in. The women rock in the pudding for a while, slide out and get told to get back in. Candice slips. Sexy pin on the outside. JR and Jerry wonder about the rules of the pudding match. Double axe-handle nothing. The guys are finding it hard to realise who is who. The crowd chant for, “Boring.” There’s a DDT into the pudding. Jerry puts the sexiness of the women over. Candice drowns Melina and she taps out, well, slaps the pudding.

Melina has tapped out or suffered drowning in the pudding. Candice Michelle wins in 2:55.

2017 comments:

I would normally complain about this because women’s wrestling etc. but this match doesn’t pretend to be anything more than nonsense, so, in way, it’s the most successful match on the card.

2007 comments:

I wonder is it pudding.

Grade: Nooooope.

Maria turns up. Let’s see what happens.

She congratulates Candice on her win, Melina tosses pudding and Maria dives in. Then the ref is dragged in. Melina escapes and someone’s music plays as the faces hug.

On the Card will return on June 17 2017 with the third and final part of One Night Stand 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 1

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #16 WrestleMania 23 – April 1, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on April 1, 2007, WrestleMania 23 aired. It was a WWE PPV, the first one since Royal Rumble back in January. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE WrestleMania 23

All Grown Up.

Ha ha! All grown up. Because, you see, it’s the old blood versus the new blood. Cena and Michaels. Batista and Undertaker.

If there is one thing I love about each year being a wrestling fan, it’s the Royal Rumble. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s WrestleMania. Yep, there, I said it. WrestleMania has so much hype surrounding it that it cannot help but disappoint. The best thing about Mania is normally the entrances and the crazy spots. The matches are sub-par, normally, and half of it is aimed at the people who don’t watch wrestling but want to see celebrities. I would hate, hate, hate to go to WrestleMania and be anywhere but the front row. I’ve seen pictures of the ring from the nose-bleed seats. It is no way to spend your money.

WrestleMania 23 was at a time when wrestling ratings were low but spending was high. Trying to recoup losses, WWE made ‘Mania as crazy as possible and called in some old friends and crazy matches to intrigue and entertain fans. Let’s see if it’s just a full undercard!

Old promo package showing the titles of the last twenty-two WrassleManias. We see Hogan, Andre, Warrior, Stone Cold, Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, Rock, Shane McMahon, Triple H, Eddit, Cena etc. There’s a big pop for the fact that WrassleMania is all grown up. Hey! That’s the tagline!

Here we are in Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan, the city that never stops stabbing, we join 80,103 people in attendance with 1,188,000 at home (higher than the 930,000 from the year before) as the Queen of Soul, Miss Aretha Franklin sings America The Beautiful with a whole fucking choir and a piano and shit. Lovely promo package showing some soldiers, bombers, mountains, a woman in a sea of soldiers, firemen, the statue of Liberty, Shawn Michaels, more soldiers on parade, John Cena, Maria, a bald eagle, Abraham Lincoln’s statue, more bombers and big pyro. USA! USA! USA!

Fucking jingoistic bollocks.

Cut to everyone in a corridor, being kids, saying one line each and looking into the camera. It’s actually a fucking brilliant promo package. It looks amazing. Except for the laughable bits with the women. You’re not champions, ladies.

Raw, Smackdown and ECW present WrestleMania 23! Big pyro hits and we are officially welcomed in by Jim JR Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler. The other announcers are Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole. ECW is here as well: Joey Styles and Tazz.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Ric Flair and Carlito teaming up to defeat Gregory Helms and Chavo Guerrero. It was a lumberjack match and an excuse for some lads to get a WresleMania payday without doing much. They included: Viscera, Shad Gaspard and JTG of Cryme Tyme, Chris Masters, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas of the world’s greatest tag team, Robbie and Rory McAllister of the Highlanders, Val Venis, Super Crazy, Johnny Nitro, Jim Duggan and Eugene, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Kenny Dykstra, Daivari, Shannon Moore, Sylvain Grenier, Deuce n’ Domino, Paul London and Brian Kendrick who should really have been on the fucking show, The Miz, Vito, Scotty 2 Hotty, William Regal, Dave Taylor, Jimmy Wang Yang, Jamie Noble, Sho Funaki, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, Little Guido, Cunt Bob Holly and Snitsky. Phew!)

The opening contest, as Lillian and her plunging neckline tell us, is for a contract to allow the winner to have a championship match at any time.

First down is Jeff Hardy, first appearance in five years. He hardly gets halfway down the ramp before Booker T comes down with his King gimmick and his mental wife Sharmell. What a guy. Thankfully, she does not hail him.

Fucking Finlay is next, shaming all Irish people with his bollocks.

CM Punk comes down with his electric guitar entrance. No Cult of Personality to be heard.

Kennedy! Fuck right off. The camera can’t have him at all. His mic actually falls from the roof. That’s quite cool, actually.

Ooooooh yeaaaah! It’s fat Matt Hardy. Jeff! Matt! Hardys! Hardyz! Team Extreme! Same match!

What? Randy Orton! Hey! There’s nothing in my way! Nothing gonna change what you done to me! Brilliant. It’s a great matchup already.

The other member of Rated-RKO turns up. Big Edgey. Down he comes, face on him. He’s desperate to kick the shite out of everyone tonight. The announcers put over tag team dissension.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Mr Kennedy def. CM Punk, Randy Orton, Finlay, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) via ascension to the heavens in 19:10.

Referees on the outside. All the men stare at the ceiling and then leave the ring. Kennedy and Randy pair off. Finlay takes his damn time, goes top rope and has a bowling ball spot, knocking everyone off. Edge gets a ladder, sets it up mid-ring and Matt pulls him down from it. Randy and Finlay take their place, punching atop the ladder until it falls over. Jeff goes up, damn near gets the briefcase until Kennedy takes him down. Outside, Booker goes for a ladder and finds a tiny stepladder. It is used by CM Punk as a weapon until Edge tosses it at his face and busts him wide open. Blood already.

The ladder is set up against the barricade like a bridge and CM Punk reverses a suplex to avoid being put through it. Booker cleans house in the ring and does a spinneroony before the Hardys knock him down. Matt hits a Side Effect on Edge and set up the ladder in a repeat of the Joey Mercury spot that opened it up but escapes and suplexes Matt onto it instead.

It’s Kennedy’s turn to be in the ring and sets Matt up for the Kenton bomb, bopping the back of his head off the edge of the ladder. Jeff hits the Swanton and both Hardys use the ladder to clear house. They both climb the ladder and fight each other on top. Finlay tosses the ladder over and batters everyone, clearing the house and lifting up the ladder before Edge spear him followed by Randy, Booker, Finlay, Matt, Jeff and attempts to spear CM Punk but he leapfrogs. Then we have a Three Stooges spot with CM Punk putting the ladder on his head and knocking the shit out of everyone.

Edge is alone and getting big boos when he leaves to get the biggest ladder. The announcers make penis jokes.

Edge lifts up the ladder and sets it near the briefcase. Randy is up and pushes the ladder – and Edge! – over, out onto the concrete. Jeff knocks Randy down, sets the ladder up and moves the ladder about. Matt sets up Edge on the ladder-bridge and Jeff decides not to climb the ladder to get the briefcase (it’s miles away anyways) and hits a dumb leg drop onto Edge. Lots of time spent focussing on these two men. Edge looks legit hurt and Matt looks worried.

Randy RKOs Matt then Finlay and Kennedy. He sets up a ladder – very small ladder – and slowly ascends it. CM Punk is up, hits Orton and sets the two ladders next to each other. Both men climb the ladders and the video cuts to Edge being “eliminated” by being sent out on a stretcher. Randy and Punk have a lovely RKO off the top rope but Randy is up to beat on Booker and sets up another RKO but booker reverses into a Book End and goes back up the ladder. Matt Hardy enters and so does Sharmell. He threatens to give the Twist of Fate to Booker’s wife if he doesn’t descend the ladder. Booker, to his credit, does, and gets a Twist of Fate for his effort. Finlay comes in, lifts the ladder, sending Matt flying. Finlay is bust open. He gives Matt the Celtic Cross on the ladder and sells it like it hurt him. It did not.

Finlay is bust badly, having difficulty getting up. And then Hornswoggle comes in. Oh God. He goes up the ladder himself to help Finlay. He’s nearly there and Kennedy is in, up the ladder and shouting at Hornswoggle. Little Bastard slaps Kennedy and gives him a lovely rolling senton from the ladder. Finlay throws the ladder straight at Kennedy’s face. Finlay is climbing, inches away when Punk dropkicks the ladder and sends him off. Punk sets up the ladder, he could win this, there are no others in the ring… until Kennedy comes in and the pair exchange blows. Punk kicks Kennedy and the blonde bastard picks up a ladder, throws it, repositions the ladder mid-ring and gets the briefcase to win the Money in the Bank in 19:10.

2017 comments:

Good opener. High-octane, lovely spots, setting the scene and getting a little blood in already. Only downside is that not everyone in the match was equally used, especially Finlay (apart from the end), Punk (who seemed to just fill in when no one was available), Edge (in, out, shake it all about) and Jeff Hardy (who did one spot and left).

2007 comments:

Fucking Kennedy. Why did it have to be Kennedy?

Grade: B

Kennedy runs out of the ring and up the aisle, away from the ring, happy to be shot of the place. Some great replays of the last few minutes. Hornswoggle took a great hot on the ribs, boy.

Cut to the theatrical release of The Condemned with Stone Cold Steve Austin. The release was basically like a wrasslin’ match. Lots of cheering and that.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is speaking to Mr. Kennedy, who is inspecting his briefcase as if to ask, “How does this open?” and, “Where are the sweets? I was promised that sweets would be inside.”

Oh, Kennedy,

He interrupts Todd, congratulates himself and sends a message to the lads in the back with gold because Kennedy has a contract to kill any of them… with a referee and ring permitting, of course. He is, after all, Mr. Money in the Bank… Bank.

Cut to Baby Batista promo where our boy Dave talks about his childhood. Is it legit? Is it kayfabe? We may never know. He says he has a focus – wrasslin’ – and it’s his passion. That and going to space.

It’s time for the piss break match as Khali enters to a silence. Fuck off. You’re no good and you’re pushed to be better than Taker. Nonsense. He’s fighting Kane and not even Jobber to the Stars can help this nonsense.

Big pyro and down he comes, walking with a purpose and big chubby belly on him. He gets into the ring, smiles creepily and the bell rings.

The Great Khali def. Kane via pin in 5:31.

Khali pushes Kane to the ground and the Big Red Machine sells it like a shotgun blast. Kane boots him in the nuts, runs the ropes and Khali says no. Chop attempts from the Punjabi Playboy and Kane goes flying. Kane gives Khali a wee guillotine, gets a clothesline for his efforts. JR and King are trying to put over this match and failing. Khali hits the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and Kane fights to his feet. The crowd are dead. No interaction with them. Khali has Kane in the corner and chokes him for a bit. Kane fights back, gives Khali big right hands and is tossed back. Kane goes top rope, attempts a clothesline and a boot. Khali gets stuck in the ropes, tied up like Andre. Kane goes under the ring, gets a hook and chain – like the ones used in See No Evil! – and it hooks onto the ropes. Khali rips off the turnbuckle pad and Kane uses the chain to hit the low blow. Big body slam from Kane and there’s a huge pop! WrestleMania 3 callback! Andre! Hogan! Kane! Khali! Kane and Khali shake chokes for a bit until Khali chokeslams Kane, puts a foot on his chest and gets the pin in 5:31.

2017 comments:

I love Kane and this was guff. Other than the body slam and the pop, this was a waste of time.

2007 comments:

Oh Kane, how far have you fallen?

Grade: F

Khali chokes Kane, gets some extra heat and leaves.

On the Card will return on April 8 2017 with the second part of WrestleMania 23.

Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on December 3, 2006, the second and final December to Dismember aired. It was an ECW PPV, utilising the new (and soon to be defunct) ECW brands, the first of its kind since One Night Stand back in June. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

December to Dismember 2006

You better watch out…

Oh, here we go, back to taglines. Nice. This cover shows Sandman’s arm peeking out of a chimney, holding his Singapore sticks with blood on the snow to spell ECW. is like one of those Christmas-themed horror movies like Jack Frost or Silent Night, Deadly Night… in fact, the cover seems to parody that film! The cheek of these cover designers.

There is no ye olde wrasslin’ video. Instead, we are shown the elimination chamber along with the edict, “Six men will enter… knowing they will suffer the unimaginable…” and the Elimination Chamber is shown as some kind of super-hell-in-a-cell. And no other match is advertised. We just have the main event and I should mention that the wrestlers in the main event are Bobby Lashely (yay), ECW Champ The Big Show (eeey), CM Punk (now, yay, but back then, eh?) Sabu (well, someone’s going to die), RVD (Okay!) and Test (oh Christ)? I mean, come on.

Big Christmas coloured pyro in the ECW presented December to Dismember 2006. The place is the James Brown (get down!) Arena in Augusta, Georgia and with a tiny 4,800 fans in the place with only 90,000 PPV buys (the lowest buyrate in Fed history), this is due to be a great, great, great clusterfuck. Bear in mind that only two matches were advertised before the PPV – the Elimination Chamber main event and the Hardy Boys vs. MNM. So stoked, though, right?

Our commentary team is the annoying Joey Styles and Tazz with two Z’s. One of the best things about this PPV is that the theme tune is fucking Bodies by Drowning Pool. Tazz tells us that the Elimination Chamber is ten tons of steel. Good Lord. Who cares about them, though, when we have the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera, once again forgets the announcer’s names and Savinovich does an awesome tongue roll because the man is a hero.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Stevie Richards and René Duprée. It is unknown how long it lasted.)

MNM’s music hits and… wait, didn’t you guys split up? They are wearing fluffy jackets with LED signs on the side that scroll through some words that no one sees. Melina is really hamming it up this evening, kissing and dancing and looking just like the ecstasy dropped before she walked into the arena. Good woman yourself.

Hardy’s music hits and the pair get a bit of a pop for their entrance as… Team Extreme? What? Since when? And the title says “The Hardys”. Make up your mind, boys. Joey says that both teams plan on splitting up again after this evening. So it’s like a Bizarro team-up. Right. That makes sense.

The Hardys (Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy) def. MNM (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)) via pin in 22:33.

Let’s get right into it. Tazz is being a pervert, as usual. He’s the Jerry Lawler of ECW. Lots of hugs between Joey and fat Matt in some sort of test of strength. Tazz considers that Mercury and Nitro may be related. What an odd thing to say. Weird announcers. A bit of scrapping and everyone runs into the ring to square off. The ref tells them off and the crowd chant for the Hardys. Matt and Joey tie up again and Mercury is thrown into the corner with Jeff tagging in. Lovely arm drag and knee drop before fat Matt comes in and Joey escapes to tag in Nitro. Big boos from the crowd and Jeff comes in, botching a jump over the rope like the dumb guy he is. Double clothesline from the Hardys and senton drop. Mercury comes in and they do an odd double team where they lift him from his back to… backdrop him. Nitro takes over and Mercury is tagged in as Melina screams because fuck Melina.

Jeff is trapped in the corner and Nitro hits a lovely elbow drop and standing shooting star press that misses as fat Matt comes in, hitting Nitro with a super sit-out-powerbomb. Mercury runs in and in the confusion, Melina pulls on Matt’s leg. Matt goes after her but gets a clothesline for his effort. MNM hit a doubleteam gutbuster on Matt. The ref is distracted and Melina hits the head-scissors on Matt to which Tazz says, “Hellooooo!” Melina screams again as MNM hit a double facebuster on Matt. We’re really gearing up for the hot tag here. MNM hit a double stalling suplex but Matt lands it and double-neckbreakers the bastards. As he goes for the hot tag, MNM fight back. MNM hit a Poetry in Motion as Melina screams once again. Mercury goes for the Twist of Fate but is countered. Hot tag and Jeff comes in.

Jeff predictably cleans house, hitting all the bases before Nitro pounces in to break the count but gets a lovely sit-out suplex. Suicide dives to the outside from Matt, Nitro and then Jeff. The crowd chant “ECW! ECW!” even though none of these men are ECW boys. Matt hits Poetry in Motion but MNM roll out of the way before Jeff can hit the Swanton. Melina screams. Nitro hits the springboard dropkick and fails to get the pin. Jeff is being beaten on in the corner and MNM hit the double catapult into the turnbuckle. It is followed by a long stretch from Nitro. Tazz says, “Simple but good.” Because he’s an idiot. Nitro hits some strange spinneroony leg drop and some punches are traded mid-ring. Matt comes in and as the ref is distracted, Melina and Nitro beat on Jeff. Mercury is tagged in and a pin gets nothing. A second and a third get nothing either. Mercury hits the backbreaker and Nitro does the springboard elbow. A lovely sunset flip by Jeff and Nitro Aloha-Arns for a bit before tagging in Mercury. The match has slowed down to a crawl.

Mercury has Jeff in a crossface and Jeff fights back. A rollup is so strong that when Jeff hits out, Mercury is thrown from the ring. He turns to Jeff and drags him off the apron and Nitro is back in the match with Jeff. Another double-team catapult but Jeff stops it, top-rope moonsaults and gets the hot tag to Matt. Matt cleans house as much as he can, hitting a bulldog and catching Nitro on the way down. Two Side-Effects followed by a pin attempt. Bret’s rope leg drop gets nothing so Jeff is tagged in and Nitro is picked up for a powerbomb. Mercury pushes his tag team partner up which forces the hurricanrana! Jeff is down and a pin attempt fails to keep him out. Nitro goes to the top rope but Jeff is up and all four men are in with MNM on the turnbuckles. The Hardy’s hit stereo superplexes. Tazz sings the theme song. Melina is distracting the ref and as Jeff goes to chastise her, Nitro hits the dropkick, missing Jeff and hitting Melina. MNM hit the Snapshot but Matt breaks it up. He is removed from the ring and MNM turn to Jeff, attempting a superSnapshot but Matt jumps in with the double neckbreaker and a Swanton on top of both members on MNM. Jeff hits the pin and the Hardys win in 22:33.

2016 comments:

Bit of a spotfest, but a lovely spotfest nonetheless.

2006 comments:

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss MNM.

Grade: A

The Hardys leave and we see replays of the best spots of the match. Melina looks legit hurt but the camera doesn’t hang around enough to show any blood.

Back to the announcers and both men drag themselves through the script, screwing it up wherever they can.

Cut to prerecorded footage of RVD understanding that the Elimination Chamber is a tough match. It isn’t as tough as any other match, they’re just being fools.

Matt Striker’s music hits and down he comes to the ring, shaking his head at the swearing of the crowd. Striker has the mic, which is where he should be. He makes fun of Balls Mahoney, the awful “wrestler” who is a parody of what ECW used to be. Matt tells us that he has a responsibility to all of us to restore order. He asks the official to enforce the following rules: no gouging of the eyes, no pulling of the hair, no manoeuvres off the top rope and, most importantly, no foul language. Fair play, Matt. This is a Striker’s rules match.

Balls comes down. He has class music. He’s a shit wrestler, but he’s a great showman. Matt has a picture of his own face on his arse. Pantastic.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls, whose real name was Jon Rechner, sadly died on April 12, 2016 at the age of 44 of a heart attack, yet another performer in wrestling who left us too soon. Despite my personal feelings for Balls as a wrestler and performer, it is a tragedy for anyone to lose a life. He passed away enjoying himself – watching Jeopardy and answering questions on the couch – and is survived by his wife Gayle and his son Christopher.

Striker’s Rules match: Malls Mahoney def. Matt Striker via pin in 07:12.

Bell goes and Balls is discussing things with Balls. There is a test of strength where Balls wins. The announcers tell us that Balls has an accomplished amateur wrestling career. Balls botches a jump over Striker and attempts the armbar but Stiker breaks it on the bottom rope. Striker is having pants trouble at the moment. Another test of strength is called but Striker beats on him, bouncing his head off the turnbuckle, reversing an Irish Whip and hitting an armbar on Balls, which he botches. Striker is doing things differently and it works. Striker actually pulls on Ball’s hair, though.

Striker hits more arm-based moves and Tazz calls Striker effeminate. Nice, Tazz. Keep it classy. Bit of an armbar city over here with Striker having a good long hold of some Balls. The announcers keep telling us how smart Matt is and how he is working on Balls’ arm. A run to the corner is stopped with a boot to the face but Matt gets another armbar on. The crowd chant his name each time Mahoney has offence, but it is never for too long. Mahoney goes to the top rope, but that is clearly against the rules so the ropes are shaken and Balls falls. Great rolling armbar and Balls is held there until he can break hold by grabbing the ropes. Great back drop and a bunch of knockdown strikes followed by a back body drop and Mortal Kombat Strikes, each with a “Balls!” from the crowd. Balls hits the spinebuster and pins Matt in 7:12.

2016 comments:

Not amazing, but a good comedy match with a weak ending.

2006 comments:

I can never get enough of Matt Striker being hurt

Grade: B

Backstage, we see CM Punk punching the air. Sabu, however, has been hurt in an unseen attack. It appears that he will not be taking part tonight. In comes our favourite Jew, Paul E. Dangerously, who rambles for a while and looks on helplessly. The Elimination Chamber is down to five. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!” knowing that it is, indeed, bullshit.

Old Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay come out to the ring with their towels and angry faces. Both of them have “Terkay” on the back of their tracksuit tops. I love the gimmick of legit sportspersons and having cornermen. It makes it seem more like the wrestlers are taking themselves seriously.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Elijah Burke used to be an officer in Jacksonville but would segue into wrestling through boxing. He had an impressive 98-1/103-1 win/loss record (depends on whether you ask Club 5, Club Plush or WWE themselves) and could not pull his punches in the ring so never threw worked punches. Sylvester Terkay is just as impressive, being a 5-time NCAA Boxing Champion, a 4-time NCAA National Heavyweight Champion and has the honour of being named number one Gaijin during his time in Japan.

Double Trouble Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls Mahoney was the evil Xanta Klaus in In Your House 5: Seasons Beatings… and Sylvester Terkay was Santa Imposter during an episode of In the House. Facts!

Elijah has the mic and gets heat from the crowd for smiling and talking about himself. He says that, “like a wild animal in heat, we will leave our mark!” which is a nice way of saying that they’re going to pee everywhere.

Out come the FBI (Full Blooded Italians), Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke with Trinity, who is a woman.

Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay def. The FBI (Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke) (w/ Trinity) via pin in 6:41.

The bell goes and Elijah is in the ring with his hat still on. Little Guido gets a quick full-nelson slam followed by Elijah spinning on him and slapping his face. Guido is not happy. Elijah is still wearing his hat. Guido gives Elijah the drop-toe hold, steals his hat, hits the armbar and tags in Tony Mamaluke. Tony drags Elijah about, tags in Guido and they hit the double elbow-drop. Tony is back in but gets knocked back before Sylvester gets in, beating on Tony in the corner, who slaps him back. A powerful Irish Whip is reversed and as the FBI attempt to double team Sylvester, he takes over, catching Guido mid-air, doing the big boot on Sylvester and chucking Guido out. The crowd reply with, “You still suck!”

Elijah comes in and there’s some headlock city going on there in the middle of the ring. Guido fights back, is thrown into the corner with Terkay and the Man-Bear is tagged in to delivery an amazing kick to Guido. MMA training, brah. Terkay Irish whips Guido into the corner and then does the same to Elijah. More headlock city from Elijah and Guido. Guido escapes, tags in Tony, who starts gaining momentum, but is stopped when Terkay comes in. The FBI double team Terkay and double flapjack Elijah. A close pin attempt. Elijah throws Tony into Terkay’s fist and hits the Elijah Experience for the pin in 6:41.

2016 comments:

Good half a match that finished too early.

2006 comments:

Terkay is the weak link in this match but was used well. Not a bad match.

Grade: B

Terkay hits the Muscle Buster on Tony and get some good old fashioned heat back. I tell you, December to Dismember is known as one of the worst PPVs of all time, but at the moment, it’s… okay. I know that I’m just cursing myself now, but for real, it’s been enjoyable. Only three matches left though and they might well be the drizzling shits.

On the Card will return on December 10 2016 with the second and final part of ECW December to Dismember 2006.

RUTHLESS AGGRESSION ERA #3.ECW ONE NIGHT STAND 2006 (June 11, 2006) PART 2

Previously on On the Card: We had a shitshow of a promo from JBL and a great Rey vs. Sabu match. What’s up next?

Promo to remind us that the upcoming fight is because of a feud starting at WrestleMania 22. Edge and Mick Foley had a great match and they became co-holders of the Hardcore Title. Mick is a heel now and I hate heel Foley so fuck this entire angle. Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk come out and the match is made by Paul Heyman.

Mick’s music hits and the man comes down to the ring to mixed reaction. He has a mic in his hand, so this could either be great or crap. He says, “Yeah, I did sell out… I sold out Madison Square Garden.” He then bigs up Stephanie McMahon and introduces Edge.

Edge has his awesome music on. I love all of Edge’s themes. Lita is reacting to the fans as if they are diseased (which they might well be). Edge calls out the ECW fans and swears. He also tell them that is girlfriend is hot, which Lita is, let’s face it. Lita gets the mic and says Dreamer is the innovator of silence. The fan call her a crack whore. She says that her pin last week, where she sat on Tommy’s face was more action than any of the fans got in a year. Tommy and Terry then come out along with Beulah McGillicutty, Tommy’s wife! None of them look impressed. Referee John Finnegan (presumably Irish) he keeping the peace.

Tommy looks like hell. Beulah gets the mic and says that the trash that comes out of Lita’s mouth is more disgusting than the stuff she puts in it. Lita does the old tongue-in-cheek-blowjob sign and the crowd cheers. Because Lita is a woman, you see, she is promiscuous and thus the worst of us. Beulah says that since Lita loves threesomes, the match should be three-on-three. Then there’s a cat fight.

Extreme Rules Intergender Match: Mick Foley, Edge and Lita def.  Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer and Beulah McGillicutty via pinfall in 18:45.

The bell rings to a rousing chant of, “Fuck ‘em up, Beulah, fuck ‘em up!” and the groups go to their respective corners. According to Joey, Beulah was in one of the bloodiest matches in ECW history with Bill Alphonso wherein Alphonso needed a transfusion as he lost a third of the blood in his body. Edge farts around with Tommy for a while and Mick is tagged in, calling instantly for Terry to tag in. The guys actually do it instead of teasing it. Foley gets slaps from Terry and Mick decides to leave but soon Dreamer and Edge join the fight. Chairs are thrown, water is spat. Faces are slapped. A bin appears and Edge is hit by a… baking tray?

No, it’s a stop sign.

Edge takes a bin to the head and our man Tommy dropkicks a bin right in Mick’s face. Those bins just fold under any pressure. They’re like aluminium cans. They can’t hurt, right? Foley and Funk fight up the ramp and boys are tossed into the crowd. A ladder appears from somewhere. Unlike other tag matches where the action is split, both Edge/Dreamer and Foley/Funk are fucking around at the same time. Great bump on the ladder from the boys in the ring. Edge earns his neck problems. Three Stooges spot from Funk in the ring but it doesn’t last long. Funk and Dreamer set up the ladder. Funk is climbing up and Edge tips it. Very anticlimactic.

Tommy goes for the Dreamer Driver on Edge and Lita kicks him in the balls. Presumably Irish Referee John Finnegan tells her off. The crowd call her a crack whore. Again.

Motherfucking barbed wire board is brought out from underneath the ring. It is promptly dropped on Dreamer and as it is removed, it pulls at his skin. Ruthless. Edge and Mick look on, gormless. They lift the board again and Funk pulls at Edge’s legs, sending the barbed wire board to the ground, catching the Rated R Superstar’s face on the way down. Tommy is up and the crowd bay for fire. Are you not entertained?

Mick gets a weak Irish whip into the barbed wire. We’re going to get a lot of blood soon. The crowd think it’s awesome, though. Funk gets the board dropped on his face. Lita gingerly lifts up the apron and gives Mick some loose barbed wire that he wraps around his fist and pummels Funk with. Considering the camera angles and people hiding left and right, I’d not be surprised if everyone has bladed. Shot of a girl in the crowd, looking horrified. Funk is brought out, wailing about his eye. The crowd call Mick a sick fuck. Lita and Beulah haven’t even been in the match yet. Mick brings out a barbed wire baseball bat. Lita’s turn in the match where she leg drops the baseball bat into Tommy’s balls.

Mick gets out Mr. Socko! The crowd hate it! The Mandible Claw is applied to Beulah and Tommy fights back, bruised balls and all. Mick Claws Dreamer and Edge spears him. Lita fixes her boobs and the trio attack Beulah. Edge gets her in a suplex position from behind and – who is that? Is… Is that… IT’S TERRY FUNK! HE’S BACK! COMING THROUGH THE CROWD.

AND HE HAS A BARBED WIRE TWO BY FOUR.

The girls fight outside and Dreamer sets up the barbed wire board. Funk sets the barbed wire two by four aflame and cracks Mick with it, setting his flannel on fire and into the barbed wire board. Extinguishers put him out just as Edge throws Funk onto the board as well. Dreamer wraps the barbed wire around Edge and the submission is stopped by Lita. Beulah jumps in and Joey screeches, “CAT FIGHT!” Dreamer hits Lita with the Dreamer Driver and both he and his wife cheer to the crowd. Edge takes Dreamer down, followed by Beulah and pins her with the organ grinder (mit thrusting hips) for the three in 18:45.

2016 comments:

What a clusterfuck. It was partially the best match of the card for the extreme spots and the worst because there was no plot. Let’s get a barbed wire board. Let’s bump on the board. Let’s get a barbed wire baseball bat. Let’s bump with it. Repeat as they went up the tiers until fire came out and the match just fell apart there. The hells were horrible and there hardly felt like the faces got any offense.

2006 comments:

Match of the year.

Grade: B

Edge’s beautiful song starts and he stumbles about. The announcer calls it “The Team of Edge and Mick Foley”, completely negating Lita’s involvement. Foley and Funk are still attached to the board. Funk is quaking and screaming in pain, really hamming it up. Replays of the organ grinder finish. Repulsive. The announcer’s say, “She’s a woman!” One of Funk’s biceps is being dug into by the barbed wire, bruising. Tommy lifts Beulah and they get a big chant. Funk begs to be cut out and some men come with clippers. He is bleeding bad and this kid, God dammit, this, like seven year old ginger kid is front and centre, clapping away. Who brought their kid to this?

A pensive John Cena considers his match as RVD shadow boxes in a dungeon of some description. Tazz and Joey have a wee chat about how great the main event will be. No one seems to care about the fucking match that just happened.

Balls Mahoney’s music plays and down comes the chair-swinging freak. The crowd chant “Balls! Balls! Balls!” He barely poses before Masato Tanaka comes down, super special tape on his shoulder.

Extreme Rules Match: Balls Mahoney def. Masato Tanaka via pinfall in 05:03.

The bell rings and Tanaka’s looking great other than those scars on his chest. Quick hip tosses, arm drags and Irish whips to start off with. This is the graveyard shift, a tiny match between not popular wrestlers nestled between the two big matches. Balls really hams up the punches and Tanaka sells it well. Balls goes over the ring ropes and swears loudly. Tanaka jumps over and botches a move. Balls calls for beer and cracks Tanaka with it. He calls for another and does the same. Tanaka repeats it and gets a chair with a fair smack as Balls dodges it. Chair goes into the ring and so do the wrestlers. Balls goes to the top rope and Tanaka superplexes him off it but only gets a two-count.

Tanaka goes to the top rope and Balls goes to give Tanaka a superplex as well but only gets a two-count. Balls, undeterred, goes for the chair and Tanaka has his. Duelling chair shots and Tanaka loses, getting bust with a brutal chair shot that bends the metal of the chair. Balls goes for the pin and gets it.

2016 comments:

Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

2006 comments:

That chair shot alone made my teeth shake.

Grade: C

Balls has a great song, actually. It’s nice and has a good beat to it. Balls leaves, running off to cash in his five minutes of work. John Cena and Rob Van Dam have a lovely wee promo to remind the viewers of why this match is going on. RVD won the Money in the Bank ladder match at WrassleMania 22 and he cashed it in, making sure that it takes place at ECW. Cena’s title might go to Van Dam, ECW and thus change its name. Cena, the monster that he is, is in good form in this promo. He looks very threatening. The Stephen DeAngelis is about to announce the match when…

Oh God, Eugene.

The crowd are having none of this. The crowd chant, “Fuck you, retard.” Bad taste. Eugene starts a poem. The crowd tell him to shut the fuck up. Sandman’s music plays and down the man comes. It’s not the real Metallica music, though, and so screws up his entrance. When he busts himself, he very nearly knocks himself out. His walk to the ring is a little sadder than it should be. This is not going to be fun.

And it isn’t.

The crowd are baying for a mentally challenged man to be beaten up. Is this pro wrestling’s lowest moment? No, but it certainly this PPV’s. Sandman makes Eugene beg but he still beats on him. Shitty, shitty spot. The announcers call Sandman, “One of a kind” and then plug the new show on Sci-fi. He’s not one of a kind, he’s a cunt.

Not as big a cunt as Tazz, though, who is still making fun of Eugene and his mental disabilities.

Stephen DeAngelis attempts to get the main event started again and RVD enters to a decent enough response. Vlad the superfan is in attendance, I see. Joey mentions that RVD is the best wrestler to have never held a world championship. RVD high fives everyone in the crowd. Tazz calls Cena a “tough bastard” and both he and Joey big up the fact that RVD is popular but Cena is so hated that he tips the grading average and passes the rest of the class.

Cena’s music hits and the boos are phenomenal. He lifts the belt, dips his head and walks down. Quite nice because he is showing respect to the crowd, acknowledging his hate but also showing that he is the champ. Big closeup on the “if Cena wins, we riot” sign. RVD gets a huge pop for his introduction. He looks like he is ready to kill a motherfucker. Cena gets steady boos. He throws the t-shirt and hat into the crowd and they are thrown back. Cena then decides to throw the shirt back and it bounces from Cena to crowd to Cena to crowd. Along the way, it is spat upon, stamped upon and wiped on a butt. RVD takes this time to turn the chant into a “Rob Van Dam” chant. Toilet paper and bottles are thrown before the bell rings and “Fuck you, Cena. Fuck you, Cena,” chants rise. The bell rings and the two men clash.

Extreme Rules Match for the WWE Championship: Rob Van Dam def. John Cena (c) in 20:40.

The crowd then tell us that Cena swallows as RVD and himself slap each other in the corner. Irish whip and the crowd tell Cena that he can’t wrestle. Cena is obviously ticked by this and has a chat with Van Dam by applying a headlock. He sets up the Five Knuckle Shuffle but Van Dam jumps up and belts him one across the face. Lots of cheers. Cena and Van Dam are forehead to forehead and trade smacks. “Yeah!” for Van Dam and “Boo!” for Cena. The announcers call it unbelievable and phenomenal. The crowd cry, “Same old shit,” which is funny considering that they are on for Van Dam in this instance who hasn’t changed his moveset since the 90s.

Cena goes to the top turnbuckle and, in a change of form, actually hits a flying move, but it is a weak elbow to Van Dam. He holds up his belt to show who is the boss. The crowd tell him he is overrated. Van Dam hits a great moonsault off the steel steps. The crowd chant for RVD and he raises a chair in response. Cena is there, ready to beat on RVD and throws him into the cameraman. Cena then shoves RVD into the crowd, where he beats on his opponent, at one point punching him through a “Fuck You, Cena” sign.

Van Dam hits a corkscrew leg drop on Cena as he is dangling over the barrier. The crowd tell Van Dam to fuck up Cena and he does with a slingshot leg drop to the apron. Van Dam gets another chair and the announcers remind us that it is extreme rules. Van Dam does a leg drop on a chair onto John Cena followed by another corkscrew leg drop and a Rolling Thunder. Lots of leg drops. Cena is coughing and having trouble breathing. Rob goes for the chair and lays it on Cena, going for the split leg moonsault but Cena raises his knees and hits RVD with a brutal DDT onto the chair. Close pin and the crowd sandbag it by telling Cena he cannot wrestle. The champ sticks the chair between Bret’s rope and the top rope, catapulting RVD into it. Another close pin and no cheer from crowd.

Cena hits a sit-out powerbomb and the crowd say, “Same old shit,” so he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, salute and the crowd call him an asshole. Cena goes for the FU (remember when it was called that?) and RVD escapes, striking Cena in the face. Both men are up and punching in the corner followed by an Irish whip. RVD goes to the top rope, throws Van Dam off with a super powerbomb and the crowd tell him he still sucks. Van Dam  lifts Cena over to the ropes and they botch some sort of throw. Van Dam dropkicks Cena for badness and goes to get a table. There isn’t enough room for him to get the table out easily and he awkwardly sets it up in the corner.

Cena goes for the STFU and Rob takes his damn time getting to the rope. It is laborious. Finally, his fingers reach the ropes and presumably Irish referee John Finnegan pulls at Cena. The two men squabble and Cena decks Finnegan before going to superplex RVD into the middle of the ring. Cena gets the steel steps and Tazz tells us that John is extreme. Weak stair shot and Tazz points out the silence in the crowd. A second referee comes to count the pin but RVD kicks out. Cena goes to FU RVD into the table but throws him outside instead. A trenchcoated helmet-wearing man spears Cena into the table and knocks out the new referee. Who is this man? What is his agenda? Why did-

Oh, it’s Edge. No mystery there. Why is it Edge? Feud.

RVD is up, hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Cena and goes to wake the ref but he won’t rouse from his slumber. It’s okay, though, because Jewish Santa Paul E. Dangerously comes to the ring and counts a very slow one two three to give RVD the win in 20:40.

2016 comments:

It wasn’t a Cena match, it wasn’t an RVD match, it wasn’t even an Edge or Heyman match. It was a crowd match.

2006 comments:

Here, boys, fuck up. I can’t hear the commentators.

Grade: B

Not the best match on the card, but certainly the best storytelling. It wasn’t a match between RVD and Cena, though, it was between Cena and the crowd. As Rob Van Dam celebrates, the ring is filled with a bunch of ECW guys including old favourites Kurt Angle and Big Show. To be fair, Kurt Angle was in ECW for one night but left after Sandman was crucified. Fact. The announcers do not seem surprised by the win, though, even though they’re both ECW guys. Way to sandbag it, gentlemen, it’s only the biggest point in your franchise’s history.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Randy Orton. He was so good at being a smarmy heel. Can’t help but hate him.

Woman of the Matches: I wanted to give it to Lita considering her heelishness, but I have to give it to Beulah for taking that brutal spear from Edge. Fair play to you, love.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Beulah McGillicutty.

Best Spot: Irish whip to do-se-do to stereo Tarantula by Tajiri and Super Crazy.

Hatches: We had Jerry Lawer and Tazz as actual wrestlers as opposed to commentators, Randy Orton, Guido Mariatato, Tony Mamaluke, Yoshihiro Tajiri, Sabu, Mick Foley, Tommy Dreamer, Terry Funk, Beulah McGillicutty, Balls Mahoney, Masato Tanaka, Rob Van Dam. The only manager was Big Guido Screeching Joey Styles on commentating with Stephen DeAngelis as ring announcer.

Matches: Rob Van Dam defeated John Cena to start his first (and only) run as WWE Champion.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: It was a commercial success, but stank of WWE involvement, and not in a good way. They were clearly setting ECW up for its run on Sci-Fi and did not care less about whether or not it was faithful to the original ECW (which it was not). ECW was more than rabid crowds and blood, it was also superb storytelling and using these lack of rules to tell this story.

On the Card will return on June 25 with the RAW PPV Vengeance 2006.