Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Cunt Trump.

Cut to John Cena baby promo. What a guy. I love Cena.

It’s Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole as they remind us of the dark match that aired before WrassleMania with the lumberjack match. They run through the entire card and remind us how this has been the best WrestleMania ever. They are interrupted by the Lumberjills! Talentless hacks Jillian Hall, Candice Michelle, Kelly Kelly, Trinity, Torrie Wilson, Brooke, Kristal Marshall, Michelle McCool and Maria and talented ladies Mickie James, Layla and Victoria. This is the third piss-break match of the evening. Cunt JBL is loving it.

Ashley Massaro’s music hits and out she comes to farty streamers. Christ. Shameful all together, Ashley. The announcers big up Ashley’s Playboy cover and the fact that she’s attractive.

Melina appears, complete with papparazi and fur hood. No jacket, just a hoof. She has the women’s title belt with her and holds it over her head as she walks to the ring. Her tights have patterns on the front and back to make it look like she is wearing a nude suit.

Lumberjill match for the WWE Women’s Championship: Melina (c) def. Ashley Massaro via pin in 3:40.

Let’s get into this, I suppose. Ashley batters onto Melina, who rolls out and is tossed back in. Botched roll-up and Ashley is thrown into the ropes. Boot to the throat and Melina takes a couple of forearms to the face. Maggle reminds us that he is a straight man who likes women. Melina swings Ashley by her legs, botches a pin and Ashley kicks out. Melina lifts Ashley up in some attempt at a bow and arrow. Ashley hits a head scissors. The crowd is dead. Lovely monkey flip from Ashers and she tries to drop the elbow but misses. Melina is confused that this doesn’t somehow get her a pin. Botched pin gives Melina the win in 3:40.

2017 comments:

Piece of shit.

2007 comments:

I just wish that they’d go back to 1997 and have no women’s matches rather than this garbage.

Grade: Not a real match. Exploitation of women should never be graded.

This waste of time is followed up by Ashers throwing Melina out and the ladies jump in and there’s a schmoz. It’s horrific. Mickie checks her top and doesn’t get a chance to pair up with anyone. The faces all wave and smile and shout at one another. Waste of time and a waste of money. People will pay to see good women’s wrestling, but you need good women wrestlers, God dammit. Makes me happy that I watch wrasslin’ now with Charlotte, Bayley, Sasha, Paige (when sober), Becky Lynch et al. Women who are also wrestlers.

Not the Bellas though, fuck them.

Cut to a Shawn Michaels promo showing him as he has grown up and been a great wrassler. Still a child at heart, our Shawn.

We have fifty minutes left of the pay-per-view and 59% think John Cena will win the championship and 41% think Shawn will win. This is going to be a great match.

Promo showing Randy, Edge and Shawn squaring off for the chance to go to WrestleMania 23. Shawn wins and John is pleased with this. We see the Doctor of Thuganomics and the Showstopper do their moves in slow motion. Shawn superkicks, Cena FUs. Hustle, Loyalty, Respect. It’s a fucking terrific promo, actually, and really bigs up the face-vs-face match. This is the biggest one since Stone Cold/Rock of 2001. We see Shawn Sweet Chin Musicing Cena, thus making him the semi-heel.

Back to the arena and Lillian introduces the-

Oh fuck, Shawn, are you still using the DX music? Come in to Sexy Boy, for God’s sake. I keep wishing they would cut and change it in the middle of it. Shawn showboats for the crowd and gives the audience a seizure. He hits the crotch chops and big X pyro hits. Cena and Michaels are tag team champs. It would have been great to have them fight earlier in the night and defend their titles before they come out for this. Really get more drama from this. Shawn hits his sexy boy pose and very weak pyro goes off above him. Michaels gives a face to the ref as the image cuts to a Mustang screeching through the roads on the way to Ford Field, barrelling down into the underground and the car smashes clean through the WrestleMania glass to reveal-

Dun dun dun dun! John Ceeeeeena! He pops up to the ramp, gives the salute and rocks down to the ring, full of piss and vinegar. I do adore Cena. I do not look forward to hearing the truth about him that he beats up kids or whatever. Shawn does not look impressed. Belt is shown to both men. They stare each other out. Ref carries out checks on both men to ensure neither have weapons.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) def. Shawn Michaels via submission in 28:22.

It’s difficult to see who is the underdog here – probably Shawn. He’s also the most heelish of the two. They both gesture to one another and stand toe-to-toe. Shawn offers his hand and the two speak. Cena is annoyed and Shawn slaps him. Cena is knocked down by the chops and Shawn crotch chops. Rascal. Cena is frustrated. Lock-up and Shawn gets Cena into a headlock, out-manoeuvring him every step of the way. Cena lifts Michaels for the backdrop but Shawn lands it and once again knocks Cena down. Cena takes his time standing up and Shawn gestures to him. Slowly, they both stand up and once again, Cena gets the bad end of it and is the victim of a snapmare. Chat of, “Let’s go, Cena/Cena sucks!” rises.

Another snapmare from Cena and a pin attempt followed by another. Michaels ducks once, twice and on the third, Cena clotheslines Shawn down. Both men share a wicked look and Shawn jumps up, hitting Cena with the Thesz press. Shawn lands on the apron after being thrown out, guillotines Cena and then hip-tosses him outside. Lovely knife-edge chop to Cena from Michaels. Shawn throws Cena onto the table, hits a lovely springboard moonsault but fails to break the table. Undeterred, Shawn rolls Cena back in the ring, chops Cena in one corner, bops Cena with the forearm, gives him another chop and throws him into the corner. Cena attempts to kick, Michaels catches it and attacks his knee. Michaels then works the knee, kicking it, battering it against the ringpost. It looks like a shoot fight. Great psychology here. Fair play to the pair of yis.

Referee Mike Chioda gives off to both men and allows Shawn to hit another knife-edge chop on Cena and King tells us that he did not expect this type of match. I don’t think anyone did. Which is great! Shawn gets down to Cena’s level and both men are having a wee chat. The pace has slowed down and Both men are tired. They trade blows for a bit and Cena eventually gives a big right-hand to take Cena down. JR tells us that a one-legged man cannot be WWE Champ… no offense to any one-legged men. Cena throws Shawn away and as Shawn dives over, Cena dodge, allowing Michaels to hit the ringpost. The camera stays on Cena so that Michaels can have a chance to blade.

His eyebrow bust, Michaels gets unsteadily to his feet. Cena batters on Michaels, hammers him in the face and uses this momentum to hit the sit-out powerbomb, five-knuckle shuffle to great boos. Michaels gets to his feet and Cena lifts him for an FU, Shawn escapes but allows himself to be turned inside out by the Irish whip. He dodges another FU attempt, Cena ducks the superkick and ref takes a bump. Cena picks Michaels up for the FU, Shawn counters it into a DDT and both men have a lovely sit down. Michaels is bleeding, spitting, and gets the steel ring steps, drags Cena around and hits a piledriver on Cena. It looks nasty. Cena has a big-ass head and chances are that Cena’s head would not have been totally protected. Cena sells like death and as Michaels rolls him back into the ring, we see that Cena’s head is cut open. Christ. That looked messy.

In the ring, Shawn calls for a new ref and down rolls Jack Doan who hits the one, two and Cena kicks out. Shawn lifts Cena up and Cena wakes enough to counted an Irish whip. Michaels hits the shoulder barge, kip-up, goes to the top rope to hit the elbow and lands it. He showboats for a while and Cena finally gets up, Shawn tunes up the band and as he goes for Sweet Chin Music, Cena clotheslines him down. Michaels spits and the two men trade punches. Cena lifts Shawn for the FU but Michaels rolls around and there is a sunset pin that gets a two-count. Cena picks Shawn up for another FU and gets it. The crowd is on their feet and a lot of them are not happy. Cena gets the cover but Shawn kicks out. Thunderous applause.

Cena picks up Shawn onto the turnbuckle and keeps him there with a brave few punches. Cena attempts the super-FU but Michaels escapes, punches Cena until he falls, hits the lariat but Cena rolls through, lifting Shawn up for another FU. Michaels escapes, attempts the Sweet Chin Music but Cena drop-toe-holds him, attempts the STFU and Shawn rolls it into a pin attempt. Michaels attempts the enziguri, misses and Cena locks in the STFU. Shawn attempts to get to the ropes, gets there and the ref manhandles Cena and shouts at him. Michaels takes advantage of the situation to hit Sweet Chin Music. Shawn covers Cena but only gets a two-count. Cena and Shawn have a lovely wee chat for a while. Some arseholes in the crowd keep crotch chopping when the camera is on them. Big ten count and both men are up before then, leaning on each other. Cena lifts Shawn up for the FU, Michaels escapes, drop-toe hold and Michaels is caught in the STFU and taps out in 28:22.

2017 comments:

Great match. Great psychology. Not fantastic rate of work, though.

2007 comments:

Poor Shawn. At least you tried.

Grade: A.

JR bigs up the match and WrestleMania and life in general. King agrees with him. John Cena lifts the belt and big-ass pyro hits. He points to the camera and says, “This win is for you,” and King suggests that he’s talking about his daddy, John Cena Sr. Replays of the match. We see the close-falls, the FUs, the SCMs, the STFUs, the HBKs.

Cena stops Michaels on his way down the ramp. Michaels walks away from him and salutes him. Why the pair of them couldn’t hug is beyond me. Big glitter falls from the sky. JR thanks us and wishes us goodnight.

There follows a package showing WrestleManias of years past as well as clear references within this ‘Mania.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I would have love to nominate Shawn Michaels for his great match but he’s already won at SummerSlam 06, so I’m nominating Stone Cold Steve Austin for Stunnering Cunt President Donald Trump and doing what the majority of the planet want to do.

Woman of the Matches: No one.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: No one!

Best Spot: Jeff Hardy leg dropping Edge on the ladder.

Hatches: Cunt President Donald Trump appears for the first and, thankfully, last time this blog. Layla competed for the first and last time, as did Maria and Snitsky. Stone Cold appeared for the first time since Judgment Day 2002. As it is WrestleMania, a lot of people have turned up after a long absence including Balls, Charlie Haas, Dave Taylor, Elijah Burke, Hacksaw, Little Guido, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker, Rory and Robbie McAllister, Stevie Richards, Sylvan, Val Venis and Vince.

Matches: Mr. Kennedy becomes the third Money in the Bank champion; [REDACTED] Benoit retains his US Championship, in his fifth reign; Vince loses his hair; The Undertaker defeats Batista to secure his first reign as World Heavyweight Champion; Melina defeats Ashley Massaro to retain her WWE Women’s Championship for her first reign; and John Cena defeats Shawn Michaels to retain his WWE Championship in his third reign.

Dispatches: We say goodbye to the following people in this era: Ariel, Ashley Massaro, Balls Mahoney, Cunt Bob Holly, Brian Kendrick, Brooke, Dairvari, Cunt President Donald Trump, Eugene, Finlay, Hurricane Helms, Jamie Noble, Jillian Hall, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, JTG, Kelly Kelly, Kevin Thorn, Kristal, Layla, Little Guido, Viscera, Maria, Michelle McUndertakerwife, Paul London, Mr. Kennedy, Robbie and Rory McAllister, Sabu (thank Christ), Scotty 2 Hotty, Shad Gaspard, Shannon Moore, Sho Funaki, Snitsky, Kenny Dykstra, Steven Richards, Stone Cold, Sylvan, The Miz, Torrie Wilson, Trinity, Val Venis and Victoria.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels (Summerslam 06), [REDACTED] Benoit (Survivor Series ’06), Joey Mercury (Royal Rumble 07).

Nominated for Man of the Matches: Jimmy Wang Yang and Stone Cold Steve Austin

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Stone Cold!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell (Summerslam 06), Trish Stratus (Survivor Series 06), Victoria (Royal Rumble 07).

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: N/A and N/A.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… No one because the women were shite!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania, I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. This list is a bit shorter due to the fact that the shows have been so recent.

  • Andrew James Robert Patrick Martin AKA Test, March 17 1975 – March 13 2009; accidental overdose of oxycodone.
  • Christopher Michael Benoit, May 21 1967 – June 29 2009; hanging.
  • Edward Smith Fatu AKA Umaga, March 28 1973 – December 4 2009; heart attack caused by acute toxicity.
  • Harry Fujiwara AKA Mr. Fuji, May 4 1934 – August 28 2016; old age. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by Don “The Rock” Muraco.
  • Jonathan “Jon” Rechner AKA Balls Mahoney, April 11 1972 – April 12 2016; heart attack.
  • Lance Kurtis McNaught AKA Lance Cade, March 2 1981 – August 13 2010; heart failure caused by intoxication from mixed drugs.
  • Nelson Lee Frazier Jr AKA Viscera AKA Mabel AKA Big Daddy V, February 14 1971 – February 18 2014; heart attack.
  • Roderick George Toombs AKA Rowdy Roddy Piper, April 17 1954 – July 31 2015; cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Ric Flair in 2005.
  • Virgil Riley Runnels Jr AKA Dusty Rhodes, October 12 1945 – June 11 2015; a bad fall. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by his sons, Cody (Stardust) and Dustin (Goldust).

Closing Statements: It was a good WrestleMania. Not amazing, but certainly better than most of the PPVs previous. The ladder match was fun as was the Benoit/MVP match. The main event was not as good as I expected it to be, but still of a very high standard and the psychology was wonderful.

On the Card will return on April 29 2017 with Backlash 2007.

 

Ruthless Aggression #5: The Great American Bash (July 23, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: The quality has dipped with a Finlay match but rose a bit with a Fat Matt Hardy match.

We have a promo showing the Judgment Day shitfest of Khali vs. Taker. Apparently that win means that Undertaker’s 16-year legacy is dismantled. We see Khali ruin everyone around him and then challenge Taker to a… Punjabi Prison match. Because Punjab is an absolute third world hellhole with bamboo as its main export and… oh wait, no, the GDP for Punjab is $47 billion and it has the lowest State Hunger Index in the whole of India. It is also one of the most fertile lands in India and is an area the size of Costa Rica, yet supports almost five times the population of that island. Hmm.

In terms of selling, I suppose they’re doing a great job of making Khali look like a monster, except that any single person who watches a Khali match knows that he is the drizzling shits.

Cuts to Daivari bigging up Show and Khali. Teddy Long is not happy about this nonsense and switches the match up so Big Show is fighting Undertaker instead of Khali. JBL says it’s not fair. The Punjabi prison is “awe-inspiring” according to Maggle. It’s just an octagon within an octagon made out of bamboo. There are reportedly “spikes” of bamboo at the top to stop people escaping. Maggle announces the rules. The interior structure has 4 doors that can be opened by one of four refs. The outer structure has no doors but the only way to win is escape both structures.

Big Show comes out and looks scared. Maggle says Show might cry. Show genuinely looks concerned about this. Unlike a Hell in the Cell or Steel Cage matches, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of potential here for great spots unless some of the bamboo is weakened so that they can be burst through.

The lights fade and Undertaker’s music hits. Big Show noticeably flinches. Great selling on his part. Out comes the man himself from Death Valley, smoke crawling over the damn floor. Brilliant stuff. Of course, Taker takes about half an hour to get to the damn ring anyways, enough time for Show to dry off from his altercation with Taker only minutes ago. Show looks genuinely scared. I wonder if it’s because this is the first match of its kind? He knows he needs to be out there for a while and they can’t fast forward a match if there’s a mistake because the rules are laid out that the only way to win is by escaping, no pinfalls or submissions. There is a table ringside with bamboo weapons. JBL is not happy about this. Lights are back on but the music still hits as Undertaker takes his coat and hat off. Big Show is visibly shaking.

The Undertaker def. The Big Show via escape in 21:35.

Big Show wastes little time in beating on Undertaker as soon as he enters the ring. Taker is caught on the apron between the ring and inner structure. Crowd chant for Undertaker while Big Show beats Taker back and forth until the Deadman begins to strike fast as hell including a slap to Show’s belly. The announcers remind the listeners of the rules to the match. The doors remain open for one minute. That’s a lot of time to escape and neither Taker nor Show are fast enough for that to be a huge threat.

Show throws Taker into the corner. The two men take part in a lot of strike moves. Taker goes to climb over the structure. Big Show runs after him, even though he could easily just walk to one of the doors and say, “Here buddy, go and open that bad boy up for me,” and he could be out before Undertaker even got over. There are weird straps hanging from each of the corners and Show chokes Taker on one.

This is slow, very slow and boring. There is no story here, no threat in this match. Big Show beats on Taker a while. Why? He should be escaping. Taker gets Show onto the apron and the side visibly wilts as he leans against it. Taker batters Show, threatening to knock him through but Show catches him and goes for the chokeslam but Undertaker reverses it into a DDT. Taker asks for the door to be open and Maggle helpfully tells us – about five minutes into the match – that once the one minute timer runs out, that door will be forbidden to open for the rest of the match. But there are four doors… so do they have four chances left?

Show takes a whip down and beats on Undertaker as JBL answers my question: apparently you have a chance with each door and if you fail then you need to go over the top. Show tries to remove the turnbuckle pads and fails. The pair run the ropes and Undertaker jumps, knocking Show down. Undertaker goes for Old School but is, predictably, thrown off the top. Big Show calls for the door to open and laboriously takes his time. Undertaker kicks him in the head and the two men pull at each other for a while. JBL calls this match, “The greatest test,” in Undertaker’s career. The biggest test is, of course, if his career survives this shitfest of a match. Show fails to escape the second door and laments its passing.

More beating in the centre of the ring. I see a theme here. Show exposes the turnbuckle pad and bounces Taker’s head off it. He is bust open and Show headbutts Taker to bust him the hard way. The fans shout, “Big Show sucks!” and, once again, Maggle acknowledges it! It is his sad attempt at getting the heel over, but all it is doing is making Show look like a prick. Shameful. Big Show attempts to climb out of the inner structure. Idiot. Undertaker hits him with a low blow. Big Show is gassed. Taker goes to the top rope with Show and gets him into a superplex position. Slowly, the 800lbs of humanity hits the mat and the crowd chant, “Holy shit!” and both announcers sandbag it by not reacting in any way.

Undertaker is outside, Big Show is inside and, predictably, just escapes through the final door. Big Show sets the chair up and throws Taker into it. All the bamboo weapons have been thrown away. Big Show then chucks Taker back into the ring and the door closes. No doors left! Show is outside! What will Taker do? Show is on the outside cage, Taker is on the inside. Taker quickly scales the wall and steps over the outside one. The pair of them Spider-Man for a while until Taker swings on a rope and kicks Show down. Undertaker then leg drops Show onto one of the other tables. Both men are bleeding from the blading and Show is being beaten by Undertaker mercilessly.

Undertaker climbs the interior cage and Khali arrives to boos. Undertaker jumps from one structure to the other, knocks Show through the side of the prison walls and gets the win in a very long 21:35.

2016 comments:

Awful.

2006 comments:

Worse than awful.

Grade: D

Not worth the 20 minutes, being honest with you. Give it ten minutes and add in some actual psychology. Big Show on his knees, blood on his fists and forehead like some Christ analogy.

Cut to our man King Booker as Sharmell tells him he’s better than Alexander, Napoleon and Julius Caesar. Those three men didn’t have to fight Rey Mysterio. When Booker wins, he, of course, will be King of the World. He roars it a few times.

Cut to moustachioed Maggle and gormless JBL as they attempt to put the shitshow we just watched over. They fail.

Then it’s the bra and panties match… yaaaay. Kristal Marshall comes out and Maggle tries to explain the background to this. Brilliant exploitation match. Down comes Mrs. Undertaker herself, Michaelle McCool, in her teacher getup with ruler and glasses. Then it’s Jillian Hall! She’s the only one wearing trousers. Finally, we have Ashley Massaro, who is the only one who looks like a face. The women are standing in the ring looking as stupid as they feel, wishing this could be over… all except for Ashley, who is $250,000 richer than the others because she was on Diva Search a few years previous.

Ashley Massaro def. Jillian Hall, Kristal Marshall and Michelle McCool via disrobement in 5:17.

It’s the women’s match! The match that we should all be doing something else during because it’s 2006 and women in wrestling weren’t going to become entertaining for another eight years or so. Yet, the Fed, those bastards, confuse all the mysogynists in the audience by making this match one about both boobies and butts! Oh the amount of burst bladders from this confusing combination is sure to be embarrassingly high.

The women look at each other for a while and circle slowly. Then there are some good attempts at spearing and butts are shown. Ashley is the first to have her top off and Kristal shows it to the audience but Ashley knocks her out of the ring. Michelle comes behind her and gives her a brutal backbreaker. Jillian is in behind her, wrenching at Michelle’s clothes, hitting a body slam before going to the top rope. Jillian falls into the tree of woe and her top is removed by Jillian.

JBL asks if there is a time limit. No, but there should be. Michelle hits Jillian with a weak slap. JBL gives off that Maggle calls the women, “great athletes,” with, “who cares if they are great athletes? They’re hot!” Jillian and Kristal are Irish whipped into one another and quickly lose their skirts… but Michelle is wearing a second skirt! The wily minx! The pair then roll about for a bit. Jillian shakes her breasts for a while and gets Kristal into an attempt of a catapult as Ashley removes Kristal’s top, getting the win in 5:17.

2016 comments:

It is depressing that this level of shit was ever in wrestling. Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of smut as much as the next guy, but this carnival-style mud-wrestling crap is pathetic. The women are treated like objects, they are clearly wanting to get kudos in some way and never can. Give them an actual match, teach them how to sell, give them spots. I don’t care if the spots are a bit cheeky and we see their arses, but make it a wrestling match first and a titty fest second. Look at Lita. She’s a great wrestler who shows a bit of boob here and there. She is a wrestler first and a piece of meat second.

2006 comments:

You guys do realise the internet exists, right? It’s got all this stuff and better.

Grade: I refuse to grade this.

Gillian and Ashley shout mid-ring and both women celebrate… by disrobing each other. Awful. Maggle says, “This is what SmackDown’s all about!” Cunty.

On the Card will return on August 13 with the fourth and final part of The Great American Bash 2006.