Ruthless Aggression #18. Judgment Day (May 20, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: CM Punk and Elijah Burke show everyone else up.

Backstage, it’s Kirstal interviewing the Rated-R Superstar, Edge. He taunts Kristal, lists off his achievements, slags our boy Batista and leaves Kristal with a foul look upon her mug.

Cut to the ring and Randy Orton arrives with his brilliant music, lack of golden shower on the ramp and the crowd – despite it being his hometown – couldn’t give a damn. He hits his legend killer pose mid-ring and gets no golden showers. Big boos. He speaks to the announcers and it is revealed that the winner, by forfeit is-

OH SNAP SHAWN MICHAELS MUSIC HITS.

Down he comes to the ring after some time. He’s stumbling. He looks in a bad way. Jaysus, Shawn, have you been on those funny pills again? He’s just a woozy boy, wooooozy boooooy. The ref is telling Shawn that he doesn’t have to do it! But he’s doing it. The bell rings.

Singles Match: Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels.

Randy hits Shawn right in the head. First second, first shot, knocks the sexy boy on his arse. Randy hits the hanging DDT. JR really sells it. “For the love of God!”

Randy attempts a pin attempt and fails. Randy kicks Shawn in the old head a handful of times. Orton lifts Michaels for the RKO, but HBK can’t stand on his own and topples. He lifts Shawn up onto the turnbuckle, attempts to super-RKO him, pushes Randy to the floor, goes for the elbow and hits it. Shawn is still wobbly, though. How Randy is able to not just kick the shite from this boy is beyond me. Shawn stomps his feet. The crowd count along as he tunes up the band but topples before Orton can take the shot. Randy looks over him, confused and saddened by the legend’s condition. The ref ends the match.

The match had to be cancelled due to referee stoppage. Randy Orton wins the match by default in 4:32.

2017 comments:

I see the point in a storyline match like this. It makes Shawn look amazing and Randy look like a real piece of shit. But at least put on a show of some sort, like have Shawn maybe fight for a bit, gather himself and take an unlucky spill before failing the Sweet Chin Music. Otherwise it just looks sloppy and sad.

2007 comments:

No Kayfabe, Shawn is really hurt. Legit.

Grade: Not a match.

Big boos from the crowd. A little cheer when Orton is told he is the winner. His music pops for a second, Orton looks over his opponent. The crowd bays for an RKO and when Michaels gets to his feet, he gives him one. Rebecca, Shawn Michael’s wife, slides into the ring to cradle her husband’s head. JR calls Orton a bastard. Probably the highlight of the match, if I’m being honest. Crowd cheer for HBK and Rebecca chews the scenery with her caterwauling. Orton has become Conan. He now hears the lamentations of his enemy’s women. HBK is popped onto a stretcher and no one believes that he is truly hurt, obviously. Waste of airtime.

Replay of Shawn getting hit by Orton earlier in the night followed by all the head shots in the match and Michael’s eventual collapse after attempting the Sweet Chin Music.

Backstage, it’s Khali. No one gives a fuck. His interpreter asks a question and Khali answers. The crowd asks, “What?” constantly. The interpreter translates Khali’s gibberish. That’s disrespectful of me, I suppose, he could be speaking Punjabi.

Hardy’s music hits and out the two headcases come, dancing like the fucking Bushwhackers.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch rock out with their generic country music playing. JBL jabbers on for a while, the big idiot.

World Tag Team Championship Match: The Hardy Boys (c) vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

Why are the champions out first? For real, guys, c’mon.

Fat Matt starts off versus Lance Cade. Lovely tie-up in the corner and hip toss followed by both men slapping hands mid-ring. JBL talks about himself, saying that the APA were equal to the Hardys. Noooooooope.

Cade has Matt in an armlock and it is reversed pretty quickly. Cade tosses Matt, lovely Irish Whip combo and Murdoch rocks in with his big old sideburns. He does little and is tagged out. Cade takes a forearm to the head, Jeff rocks in and almost instantly botches a kick. Murdoch is in and Jeff claps to get the crowd going. Lock-up mid ring and a lovely wristlock combination before Murdoch hits back with a hip toss. Hand slap mid-ring and a wee headlock to Irish whip to hip toss. In comes Fat Matt and a Poetry in Motion. Matt works on the left arm of Murdoch for a bit, bopping Murdoch on the back of the neck with a lovely Bret’s rope elbow. Cade is tagged in sneakily and gives Matt a punch to the face.

JBL talks about himself some more, saying Cade reminds him of a young Bradshaw. No. Cade already looks like less of a cunt and is certainly in better shape than JBL ever was. Murdoch rocks in and attempts a turnbuckle splash but Matt reverses. JBL is pissed, “Just when I start putting him over…”

Jeff rocks in and cleans the house, attempts a pin and fails because he hasn’t hit his Swanton yet. Lovely twisting moonsault in the corner and Matt pops in, sending the challengers out. They both consider leaving and the Ref starts a ten count. It gets to seven and Murdoch pops back in, starts making demands to the Hardys. JBL talks about the APA some more. Jeff attempts a flip over the top rope, Murdoch side-steps it and rolls Jeff back in for the pin. Cade is in and beats on Jeff for a while. It’s building up to the hot tag and it’s Jeff’s turn to be a punching bag. Lovely double-team atomic leg drop from the challengers. Jeff escapes a headlock but gets a kick to the face for his effort.

Lovely Irish Whip double team. Pin attempt. Cade tags in Murdoch. Murdoch hits a lovely sunset flip and Matt jumps in to break the pin. Jeff hits the jawbreaker and Matt is building to the hot tag but Murdoch gets there first. Matt is in, though, and he’s leaning house, hitting a bulldog-clothesline on both challengers. Side Effect and pin attempt. Matt tosses Murdoch out but Cade hits a sit-out spinebuster. Matt escapes the pin and fights back with a lovely Twist of Fate. Jeff is tagged in, hits the Swanton, gets the pin.

Jeff Hardy has pinned Lance Cade. The Hardy Boys retain the World Tag Team Championship in 15:02.

2017 comments:

Very good match. Paint-by-numbers match, but a good one. Hardys are damned fine entertainers and Cade and Murdoch are pretty steady.

2007 comments:

No ladders.

Grade: B.

Jeff holds out his hand to the challengers and Matt does the same. Hands are shaken. No faces, no heels, just good wrasslin’. I love that. Some lovely replays where JBL talks about himself.

Back to JR who reminds us that there was a Shawn Michaels match earlier. He’s on his way to the hospital.

The announcer tells us to watch the ‘Tron where the following video is courtesy of Edge. We see him winning the Money in the Bank from Mr. Kennedy. We see him cash it in on The Undertaker. We see him win the World Heavyweight Championship. Then there’s a montage of his best moments. Batista comes out in a suit, does the Cunt Trump handshake and there’s lots of shots of Edge and Batista kicking arse.

Christ a-mighty. Once again, Edge comes out first. He’s the fucking champion! They should never come out first! It’s 2007, boys, c’mon. Big pyro for the Rated-R Superstar but it like ashes in my mouth. Never should the champ walk out first. It doesn’t matter how big a pop the challenger gets. For shame.

JBL cunts it up on commentary. Cole fights back.

There’s enough time passing before our boy Batista comes out to a murderous pop. He runs to one side, he runs to t’other, he jogs on the spot, spins and hits his pyro. Edge dives out of the ring as Batista enters, slaps his chest and flexes for the crowd. He makes sure that he hits all four corners, Austin-style, but with a bit more showboating than Stone Cold ever had.

Edge has a bit of a bruise on his right collarbone. The ref tells the wrestlers the rules. Batista snatches for the belt. Edge holds it close.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Batista has a wee cough as he chases Edge about the ring. Batista has a bandaged leg and JBL bigs it up. Neither men has an advantage just now. They lock up and Batista easily lifts Edge onto the corner turnbuckle. Fear lives in his eyes. Terror. Surprise. Yet he dives towards Batista and is knocked down. Batista batters Edge’s head off three of the corners, beats on him, Irish whips and knocks him down with a high elbow. Edge fights back and is tossed to the outside.

Batista slowly, laboriously leaves the ring, lifts Edge up and tosses him into the steel steps, knee first. Edge rolls in and out to break up the ten count. No idea why. Keep Batista outside. Make him lose by countout. C’mon. It’s not rocket science. Batista goes to his knees, gets a shoulder into the corner by Edge, time is really slowing down for these men. Batista’s limitations are showing here. Cole wonders what fans around the world think about Edge’s antics. Cunt JBL shills himself some more.

Overly vocal ref asks for Batista to give up and tap out during a bad armlock. Both men are super sweaty just now. Batista fights out of the lock and the Animal has Edge in the corner, setting him up for a superplex. Batista falls backwards like a big child and Edge goes for an axe handle nothing that ends in a clothesline. Both men bore the crowd by exchanging punches. Big back body drop from Batista and he follows it up with a lovely sidewalk slam. Edge escapes a body slow and there is a pin attempt… for a body slam reversal. Good god. Why ware these guys so tired? Edge goes for the spear but Batista hits the spear instead. Pin attempt and fail.

Edge escapes an Irish whip but gets a Dominator for his effort. He goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge escapes and gives Edge a spinebuster but wins via roll-up.

Edge has pinned Batista to retain the World Heavyweight Championship in 10:37.

2017 comments:

Real let down. No memorable spots, both men were gassed seconds in.

2007 comments:

Is that it over?

Grade: C.

Not a good match from either men. I expect better.

Ad for Ozzy, who sings the theme song.

Tony Chimel fucks up his intro by saying, “The following is, uh, a… match. Two out of three falls.” He explains the rules, even though it’s a two-out-of-three falls match. It’s very obvious what the rules are.

My boy MVP appears from his inflatable house, hitting big pyro and rocking to the ring like an absolute thug. Cunt JBL says that MVP has joined, “this Federation… Federation brand. I’m still getting over that Divas section.”

There was no Divas section on the DVD I watched. According to other blogs, however, there was a bit with Kristal asking the Divas to choose a winner between Khali and Cena. I’m sorry I missed it.

Out comes the Rabid Wolverine, [REDACTED] Benoit, who is, at this point, only a month and two days away from being a murderer. He looks huge and scary because he is huge and scary.

Two-out-of-three falls match for the WWE United States Championship: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) vs. MVP.

Good. The champ comes out last. This is nice.

Lovely long lock-up that ends with both men rolling out, staring at each other, rolling in and sharing some slaps. Lovely arm drags and hip tosses from Benoit. He tries to lock on the crossface and MVP gets to the ropes. Crowd are dead. It’s a shame because this match is far superior, already, the Edge/Batista match, but it’s the piss-break match before the main event, so the crowd can’t be bothered. The announcers big up MVP and fair play because he’s actually fantastic. Benoit gets a lovely arm lock on MVP and he gets to the ropes to break the hold. Great chest shops and Benoit goes flying. MVP works Benoit’s knee and we’re constantly told that it is sore.

Sadly, JBL calls Benoit a “hall of fame guy”. That is not so and it breaks my heart. MVP beats on Benoit in the corner and he fights back with some swift chops before hitting the triple Germans. The last one is a bit dodgy and MVP pops to his feet. Benoit hits the crossface but MVP gets to the ropes just in time. Very good. MVP boots Benoit for that. Ohhhh, he’s ticked. Benoit dodges a kick and Benoit attempts the Sharpshooter. MVP breaks the hold with the rope again. Benoit hits an enziguri and Little Naitch gives off to MVP. Benoit goes for the Electric Chair but MVP counters it to a Playmaker and gets the pin.

MVP has pinned Benoit to gain one pinfall. The score is currently:

MVP… 1

Benoit… 0

The crowd boo. They’re not happy at all. Replay of the Playmaker as the men take the “traditional 60 second rest period between falls.” I don’t think that it’s a tradition. I rarely see it happen.

Benoit hits hard on MVP, breathing like a maniac and looking like a sweaty man. Little Naitch gives off to MVP for not getting into the goddamn ring. Pin attempt and Benoit survives. MVP attacks Benoit’s face, sets him up in a tree of woe and kicks him in the injured knee that the announcers won’t shut the fuck up about. MVP works the knee some more because why not. Crowd are chanting, “This is boring!” and, thankfully, the announcers don’t check it. Chops from Benoit that Cunt JBL likens to being shot.

Submission move on Benoit as his injured knee is hooked around MVP’s head. Benoit rocks over to the bottom rope, breaks the hold and MVP batters him with knees to the head. Another attempt at a Playmaker but he reverses it into a crossface. MVP escapes! He getst to his feet, he rolls Benoit up and the Wolverine escapes. Another roll-up and the win.

MVP has pinned Benoit to gain one pinfall. The score is currently:

MVP… 2

Benoit… 0

MVP has defeated Benoit two out of three falls to win WWE United States Championship in 12:46.

2017 comments:

Strong start, got slow, got boring.

2007 comments:

I expect better.

Grade: C.

It started off as an A-grade match and finished no better than the match previous. Damn shame. Benoit is sitting by the side of the ring. Poor guy. Masterful acting though.

Cut to JR and King as they shill One Night Stand, which was originally an ECW PPV and is not tri-branded. They talk about the upcoming match – Cena against Khali.

Cut to a promo where someone is talking out the biggest stars – HBK, Orton, Edge. That man is… Khali. It’s a nice gimmick, if we just cut to the damage caused by a mystery assailant but never actually saw the attack. If this went on for weeks, that’s brilliant. Who is it? Who is attacking? The promo puts over Michaels being hurt by Khali. They put over our Lord and Saviour, Jesus (who is the Christ), even though Khali is Hindi. Khali steals Cena’s WWE Championship belt and Cena gets beat up trying to steal it back.

Some stats on screen: Cena is 6’1”, Khali is 7’3”, reputedly, with over a foot’s height difference betwixt them. Cena weights 248lbs, Khali 420lbs, blazing it with almost 172lbs difference, which is one of me. Cena’s reach is 32inches and Khali’s is 41inches. Cena has size 13 shoes, Khali has the made-up-sounding 18EEEE. That’s four E’s! Cena’s moves tell us to fuck up – FU and STFU – whereas Khali’s are just normal moves with the word Giant before them – Giant Chop and Giant Chokeslam. However, there is one vital difference between them: Khali is a filthy foreigner who don’t speak no ‘Murican as he is from Punjab in India, with Osama and all them terr’rists. John Felix Anthony Cena? He’s from West Newbury, Massachusetts. You know who else was from Massachusetts? Freedom.

Fuck sake. Once again, the Fed send out their champ first. This is disgusting. It’s like a snuff film. It should be illegal. The crowd go bananas for our man Cena. What a guy. He’s brushing your mouth like Colgate.

Big wait for Khali. Why? He’s the drizzling shits. Big boos, big X-Pac heat for this man when he comes out. JR tells us not to adjust our sets as he walks out. Very nice touch, there, JR. He reminds us that Khali has never been pinned or made to submit. Why are there so many undefeated streaks happening at once?

Crowd boo Khali. Crowd cheer Cena. Let’s go Cena.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.

This is going to be an awful match. Cena is looking up at Khali, who lifts his hands and roars. Cena sells the clothesline like he’s done dead. Brilliant. Khali punches Cena and he rolls out of the ring. Khali lifts Cena up, tosses him into the steel ring steps and rolls him back into the ring. Pin attempt with big boot on Cena’s chest. Kick out and a body slam for his effort. Big leg drop and a cover that is broken by a foot on the rope.

Irish whip and Cena bounces off the floor like the poor son of a bitch that he is. Cena hits a sunset flip cutter and Khali fails to sell. Cena is building up a big old head of steam but Khali roundhouse kicks him on his arse. Cena and Khali roll to the outside where Khali batters the champ’s head off the announcer’s table.

Rest hold. Klingon Nerve Grip City.

Cena fights out and hits the shoulder barges. Khali is caught in an Andre arm-guillotine on the ropes. He escapes and knocks Cena down to a big boo. Cena is up to his feet and catches Khali’s big chop. Both men roll out again and Cena dropkicks the ringsteps, throwing them into Khali’s knee. Both men are back in the ring. Cena goes top rope, leg drops the back of Khali’s neck, latches on the STFU but he refuses to tap out… until he does.

John Cena has defeated The Great Khali by submission to retain WWE Championship in 8:15.

2017 comments:

Guff.

2007 comments:

Guff.

Grade: C.

Not a good match, but we expect nothing better from Khali.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Khali should have broken the hold with his legs underneath the ropes, but the ref didn’t because Khali is so big that his legs are always beneath the ropes.

Replay of Cena getting his arse kicked. The Judgement Day graphic at the bottom left of the screen is too high off the bottom. Don’t know if it’s been like that all night or not. Cena shouts offscreen and the PPV is done.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Once again, no outstanding matches here. I’m going to give it to both CM Punk and Elijah Burke for their great match, clearly the best of the card.

Woman of the Matches: No one.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk and Elijah Burke.

Best Spot: No real spots here either but the reversalfest in the Punk/Burke match was nice.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley wins back his ECW World Championship… but is denied it and so Vince McMahon retains; The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; Montel Vontavious Porter wins the WWE United States Championship for the first time and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit, Dave Taylor, Shawn Michaels and William Regal.

Closing Statements: A real let down in the second half though there were two fantastic matches on the card.

On the Card will return on June 3 2017 with One Night Stand 2007.

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Ruthless Aggression #18. Judgment Day (May 20, 2007) Part 1

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #18 Judgement Day – May 19, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on May 19, 2007, Judgement Day 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February and was spelled “Judgment” without an E, though my MS Word will continue to autocorrect it to “Judgement” because I am living in Scotland and we do not believe in superfluous letters here. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Judgement Day 2007

Still no tagline but by Christ, what a poster. Kane, standing on a stairway, surrounded by flames while hands – some skeletal, some still clinging onto flesh – reach up from the fire to grab at him. He also looks super ripped. Great. What I love about these covers is that they have that Wolverine Publicity trope where they fire on wrestlers onto the covers despite them not being that important to the actual PPV. Case in point: Kane does not actually appear in this PPV… unless you were there for the actual live show. Then you would see him… in the dark match at the beginning versus William Regal. Yeah.

Once again, this PPV is attempting to make Khali (a non-wrestler who hasn’t been in the ring in months) look like a credible threat. The promo package begins with him, moves into the Edge vs. Batista, rematch of Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga, Vince and Shane followed by Khali hitting people. He hits all the people and they all take the hits until Jjjjjjjjahn Cena fights back because he’s tip-top.

Then there’s some bad space CGI for some reason. WWE is in space? Is the Day of Judgement about a meteor? It don’t matter none because the farty pyro tells us that we are live in the Scottrade Centre in St. Louis, Missouri, home of Randal Keith Orton and 10,500 other lads who turned up to see this PPV happen. There are 242,000 people watching in at home, a huge dip from the 252,000 the year before (funnily enough, we would see the same number for Judgement Day 2008) but a big rise from the 194,000 that tuned in for Backlash a month ago. It should have been called Backlashley. Oh well, you live and learn.

Our announcers are Jumpin’ Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Joey Styles, Tazz, Maggle Cole and Cunt JBL, who has a face on him like he just ate some shite.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Kane and William Regal. What? Why? Once again, the depth of your roster, boys, fair play.)

Big “Wooo!” as our boy Ric Flair rocks down to the ring with his face all leathered and haggard. Ric Flair is in your curtain jerker. By Christ, it’s an odd time when the only two-time Hall of Famer in WWE history, the sixteen-time champion, is on first. I suppose he needs his sleep.

Then Carlito appears and rocks in and throws his apple at Flair. And almost hits him. Jim Ross tuts at this, saying, “This just shows Carlito’s total lack of disrespect.”

Singles match: Ric Flair vs. Carlito.

I’ve changed up the titles of the matches. Putting champion first or in order of appearance.

Big chops in the corner from Flair and has him on the ropes. Lovely Irish Whip countered into a Sunset flip but Naitch drops to his knees, denying an Aloha Arn and beats on the Carribean. Big chops and Carlito rocks out of the ring. Flair goes to the corner to hit Carlito on the apron but Carlito escapes, the rascal. Carlito attacks Flair’s arm and hand. Ross points out that Flair’s right arm is stronger than his left. Carlito grounds Flair with a hammerlock.

JR and King talk about Flair taking lads underneath his wing to teach them about the game and how Carlito squandered that opportunity. In the corner, Naitch whips at Carlito but he escapes. More attacks on Flair’s left arm on the apron. Big toss into the turnbuckle and Flair is hurt. Pin attempt but there is barely a one. Crowd chant “Let’s go, Flair!” but Flair does not go whatsoever. Carlito wraps Flair’s arm around the turnbuckle twice followed by a lovely missile dropkick. Another cover, another kickout. Sign in the crowd: Umaga ate my homework.

Flair fights back, gives Carlito a slap or two but the younger man takes over again and hits another dropkick and another failed pin. Crowd – specifically someone behind the announcers – roar “Nature boy!” over and over. It’s very loud. Jerry talks about Torrie Wilson, for some reason. He brings it back to the match by saying that Carlito did not want to be distracted by either Wilson or Flair but then follows it up with, “Torrie can distract me any time!” Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Big claps from the crowd as Flair gets out of an armbar and takes over, hitting a lovely arm drag but is knocked back by Carlito. Armbar city over here. Flair gets to his feet and is in a great amount of pain, but is able to toss Carlito with an armbar again. Another dropkick, another pin attempt but JR points out that the first pins were one-counts, this was a two-count and “one more count bears a beaten man.” Christ, JR, you’re just the best.

Big chops from Flair and Carlito is on the floor. It’s a slobberknocker, an official slobberknocker. Flair takes a back-body drop. JR bigs up Flair’s chops, saying that he would rather take any move than a single Flair chop. Big words. Armbar city again here. Some stomps and more armbars wherein Flair almost gets pinned. Carlito roars something, which Jerry understands. JR: “You speak Spanish now?” Jerry: “Profanely. And profoundly.”

Flair hits back with some big right-hands and a shitty snapmare. Flair has Carlito on the ropes, no-sells a punch, chops Carlito to the ground, gives him a back-body drop and goes for Carlito’s leg. Carlito hits a thumb right to Flair’s eyes, attempts a backstabber, fails and the crowd goes wild as Flair works the legs of Carlito before hitting the Figure Four leglock, getting the tap-out victory.

Ric Flair has submitted Carlito to win the match in 15:34.

2017 comments:

Good opener, I suppose, nice to see Flair once again, though at fifteen minutes, it overstayed its welcome by about five minutes.

2007 comments:

Is Ric Flair ever going to retire?

Grade: B.

Ric is done. Absolutely wrecked. Sign Guy in the crowd has a massive sign that he puts over his head saying, “Beat That Hairball!” He has another, which is a picture of a man’s lower body, which he constantly low-blows with the caption, “Ric Flair Training.”

Cut to Shawn Michaels backstage with Todd as they show footage of Shawn beating Edge on RAW. But then Randy came out, punt-kicked Shawn, stood over him and had his face on. Shawn calls Todd by his full name, Todd Grisham, and just as Shawn is about to speak, Randy comes in and tosses him into the background. Shawn needs help.

Cut to a promo for the Bobbo Lasher match versus Shane, Vince and Umaga, showing how Vince stole the belt by letting the others beat up Lasher and pinning him to win the ECW championship. Lasher gets his rematch at Judgment day, but it will once again be a handicap match. Lasher is not allowed to touch Shane, Vince or Umaga unless physically provoked… so he beats on Jonathan Coachman instead. Both Umaga and Shane provoke him, so they get a paddlin’.

Back in the ring, here comes the money! Dollah dollah! Shane O Mac comes to the ring, jogging like the jobber he is. Sign Guy has “ECW: Extremely un-Cool White guy” sign with a picture of Vince all up on it. Umaga comes does next, roaring and pulling at the rope. Vince comes down next, having a big swagger all on him as he rocks to the ring. Once again, the champ comes to the ring before the challenger. That’s nonsense.

Big “Bobby!” chant rises as his music hits and Lasher comes to the ring, roided up and standing in his own pyro. Lasher is angry. He jumps to the apron, big pyro hits.

Handicap match for the ECW World Championship: Mr. McMahon (c), Shane McMahon and Umaga vs. Bobby Lashley.

The bell goes and Lasher runs for Umaga, knocking him out of the ring. He punches Shane, beats on Vince and Shane gets tossed around like a ragdoll. Umaga tries to get to the apron but is knocked off. Bobby goes for Vince but Shane Pearl Harbours him. Lovely overhead suplex and Umaga is in , running at Bobby but Lasher moves out of the way, hits the spear, pins Shane and wins the championship.

Bobby Lashely has pinned Shane McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 1:13.

2017 comments:

Thanks for the waste of ten minutes worth of promos and entrances for barely a minute of “wrestling”.

2007 comments:

I blinked. What happened?

Grade: F.

Tazz tells us that Bobby has exploded all over the McMahons. And the WWE just exploded all over paying customers.

Vince is ticked off. He walks from the ring, away from his son and Umaga. He slowly walks towards the ring but Umaga Pearl Harbours Lasher and gets his heat back with a Samoan Spike. Vince takes the ECW belt back, walks up the steps into the ring with a mic, congratulates Bobby but says that he did not win the belt as Bobby did not pin Vince. The crowd boos, the announcers shit on it and the heels leave with the belt. Devils.

Tazz calls him “ingenious”. What?

Recap of the match, almost in its entirety due to its brevity.

Backstage, a bowtie doctor is telling Shawn that he can’t wrassle. That’s it.

Back in the arena, CM Punk pre-Cult of Personality music hits and he comes to the ring, all wrapped up in bandages. He shouts, “It’s clobbering time!” to the crowd, because he is actually The Thing.

Elijah Burke rocks out, towel in hand, ready for the match to dab his sweating brow.

Singles Match: CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke.

Punk has his ribs taped. The crowd bay for him and Tazz checks it, like an idiot. The pair circle each other and lock up. Punk gets caught in a waistlock and kicks Burke away. Punk would later say that Burke is his least favourite opponent ever and would describe him as, “Absolutely the worst.” Let’s see how this plays out.

Punk gets Burke in a headlock and gets a punch to the rib for his effort. Joey says that Punk is giving “leg-kicks”, which he means as kicks to the leg rather than kicks with the leg. Punk in the corner with a rib shot and punch to the face that topples him. Punk gives him a lovely receipt to the back. Body slam and pin attempt. Neither men are wrestlers, more of a case of being strikers or, as the kids are want to say these days, strong-style specialists. Punk lands a lovely bodyslam and hits an exploder suplex that gets only a two-count.

The suplex is the first real wrestling move so far, followed by a lovely delayed vertical suplex where punk holds Burke aloft for about ten seconds. Very impressive. Burke fights back out of a chinlock and must be held back by the ref before he hurts Punky Magoo. Not very Extreme, is it, ECW? Punk hits a crossbody but fails to get the pin. The rascal.

Burke hammers Punk in the corner until the Chick Magnet gets a knee up. This is followed by a pathetic toss over the top rope. Shame upon the pair of you. Great shame. Punk slides underneath the rope, hits what Tazz calls a “sunset flip” even though no flips were involved at all. More of a sunset slide. Lovely headlock followed by hip toss reversals into a fireman’s carry and dropkick to send Burke to the outside. He looks about centre ring and hits a lovely suicide dive between the top and middle ropes. Great lad. Fair play. Pin attempt. Fail.

This is a lovely match so far. I can’t see why Punk would hate wrasslin’ Burke unless Punk is carrying him, which seems unlikely. Likely, Punk is just a bollocks. Burke reverses Punk’s moonsault attempt and beats on the ribs, holding Punk on the top rope and delivering a kick that could shatter bones right into Punk’s chest. Lovely leg scissors to Punk’s chest and Burke has his where he wants him. Punk fights back but gets a suplex followed by a backdrop and pin attempt. Something is happening offscreen and the crowd are chanting for JBL. He’s probably being a cunt and distracting them from the match.

More leg scissors from our boys and CM Punk escapes, beats on Burke, hits a lovely Irish whip, bit of a botch as both men kick. Cradle suplex into small package. Burke goes top rope, Punk hits him, gets ready for the superplex and hits it. My only complaint is that there are no flashbulbs anymore as phones nowadays have no need for flashes. Both men are up before the ten count and Punk hits a lovely clothesline followed by a baseball slide and enziguri onto Burke, going for the pin and Burke kicks out. Brilliant. Great match.

Bulldog attempt but Burke fights out. Burke tries the Elijah Express, misses, Punk attempts the GTS, fails, Burke hits the Elijah Experience but fails to get the pin. Burke pops punk up onto the turnbuckle and hits the Express. Punk falls into the tree of woe, but is released by the ref. Pin attempt and Punk escapes with a hand on the bottom rope, rolls away from the Elijah Experience and hits the GTS. Great match. Great pin.

CM Punk has pinned Elijah Burke to win the match in 16:50.

2017 comments:

Punk is one of those wrestlers who is beloved by fans despite being above average but being consistently above average in my estimation. This match reminds me why he’s one of the best in the business.

2007 comments:

This young whippersnapper CM Punk is going to be dead by the time he’s forty if he keeps up this caper.

Grade: A.

Hard to see why Punk would hate working with Burke as both men were complicit in a pretty great match. We see some lovely reversals of the two men kicking seven shades of shite out of one another as Punk ascends the ramp to the heavens.

On the Card will return on May 27 2017 with the second and final part of Judgment Day 2007.