Previously on On the Card: Weird Rock match.
Weird cut (must be my DVD) to Sable and Marvellous Wildman Marc Mero. Sable has won a Slammy and mutters her way through a promo. Dok Hendrix asks Mero about his Golden Gloves history as Stone Cold causes hell behind him. It’s very funny. Bulldog and Owen leave with what seems like a golf club. Weird.
Vince can’t seem to understand. He says that it’s a “wild and crazy night”.
Jesus Christ. Jesse James rocks down to the ring, singing a country song. Some mark in the crowd sings away. Jeff Jarrett says he sings that song.
Out comes the Honky Tonk Man. Fuck this guy. The crowd loves him though. Jerry goes crazy because they’re cousins. He sings away. Shit.
Honky gets the mic and cuts a great promo. He threatens to bring out a protégé and screws up the intro as Rockabilly – fucking Billy Gunn – comes out. JR disappears to talk to Honky. Two weeks ago, Billy Gunn got punched by Billy and Honky took him on anyways because he’s an idiot.
Jesse James vs. Rockabilly (with The Honky Tonk Man).
Nice to see Road Dogg and Mr. Ass before it all went south.
Billy hits Jesse and does a dance. Christ. This is going to be hard to watch. Lovely hip toss where Billy jumps very high and yelps, “Oh Jesus!” as he goes over. James jumps off the apron, hammers Billy with a great shot. He threatens Honky, who says, “You’re a goof!” Billy asks for a time out and gets a cheap shot in. Lovely Famasser from Billy when Jesse telegraphs a back body drop. Billy points at his arse, foreshadowing his later moniker.
They talk about Stone Cold getting attacked earlier and apparently Austin is “shaken up”. Bollocks. Lovely neckbreaker and pin attempt. Irish Referee Tim White shrugs. Apparently in the Superstar Room, where viewers can ring in to chat to stars, Sunny and Brian Pillman are asking some personal questions. Billy does a dance, big jump, misses Jesse and faceplants. Both men are down but crawl around until Jesse hits the punches, knocks the fuck out of Billy, goes for the ten punch, gets a whole ten, goes some dances and runs the rope before being tossed out of the ring. Rockabilly falls out of the ring and rolls him in, does a dance and sets up for what seems to be… a superplex? There’s a quick roll-up and Jesse gets the pin.
Jesse James has pinned Rockabilly in 6:46.
Moments of greatness interspaced with shite.
These two are relics.
Honky goes to hit Jesse with the guitar and misses.
Backstage, Kevin Kelly is chatting to Austin. He denies medical attention – and has no injuries to show – and screams. Gorilla Monsoon is hanging about. He says that no one knows who is hurt more than Steve Austin – other than a doctor, apparently – and has moved about the card to ensure that Austin can have more time to heal.
The lad Lance in the Hart locker room repeats everything just said. Bulldog and Owen talk some nonsense about Stone Cold poking his nose into people’s business.
Back by the arena, Vince introduces the next match with a promo showing wrestlers looking scared. Lovely stock sound effects in a modulator, all reversed and twisted. The line, “The deranged battlefield of the mind,” is used amidst children crying. It’s real hammy shit. Paul Bearer is there, too. We see the Paul-in-a-cage match, the Boiler Room Brawl and replays of Mankind using flash paper to get some fire in Taker’s eyes. Lots of use of “blind” and “vision”
Backstage, balding Mankind and screechy Paul cut a promo with Kevin Kelly.
Smoke crawls from the In Your House house as Mankind rocks in with Paul Bearer. He has… a fire extinguisher with him. Brilliant. The sound on my DVD gets a little warped then, like they left the modulator on.
The lights flicker and the crowd goes apeshit as the bells go to announce ‘Taker arriving with some Revenge. He rocks in with some crazy armour on like Viggo the Carpathian. He tosses something into the ring (might be the belt) and attacks Mankind to start the match.
WWE Championship Match: The Undertaker (c) vs. Mankind (with Paul Bearer).
Lots of spooooky smoke in the ring there.
Taker hammers on Mankind in the corner for a while, his hair covering his eye due to the injury. Taker was supposed to be a Deadman, though, impervious to pain. Taker does his Michael Myers sit up and Mankind runs at him. Both men fall out of the ring and land on their feet. Taker ruthlessly throws Mankind into the railings, lifts him and tosses him into the crowd. Undertaker throws him right back onto the mat and rolls in and out of the ring to break the count before hammering Mick’s head off the railings.
Undertaker throws Mankind back into the ring and beats him on the ropes. JR rhymes off a bunch of facts for Mankind’s injuries – the best day of his life was when he lost an ear, one leg is longer than the other due to injury. Taker goes for Old School and continues to beat on the mental man. Paul runs onto the apron and as Taker grabs him, Mankind bonks him on the noggin with the urn. Mankind yanks his hair out like the big psycho he is. It’s Mankind’s turn to take over. Jerry and JR talk about Vader for a bit. Jerry sings Vader’s theme. Mankind hits the spinning neckbreaker, attempts a pin and fails. Paul Bearer is very angry about it.
Mick hits the Vulcan Nerve Grip. Rest hold city.
The crowd chant, “Rest in peace!” as Taker fights back, punching Mankind out of the ring. Taker gets dragged out and the two men have a chat before Mankind gets his head thrown into the steel steps. He retaliates by hitting Undertaker with a pitcher of water. Vince questions how it isn’t a DQ. Mankind gets a chair and hits Taker in the head. No DQ so far. Big Texas Red is getting his head kicked in. Mankind goes to Bret’s rope and hits Undertaker with an elbow to the outside. He boots Taker in the head when he stands up. Close up of Undertaker and his made-up eye.
Big old piledriver in the centre of the ring from Mankind. Taker fights back but gets another piledriver. Mankind squeals like a pig, boy! He follows Taker about, punching him every step of the way until Undertaker eventually retaliates. Lovely running of the ropes and jumping clothesline to allow Taker to fight back. Taker turns on the ref and there is a predictable ref bump. Mankind hits the Mandible Claw and a second ref arrives before being tossed out. Paul throws in a chair and Mankind leaves to get the steel steps. As Mankind lifts them mid-ring, Taker sits up, boots the steps – and Mankind – lifts the chair and cracks Mankind with it. Jerry cannot hide his genuine horror.
Mankind is thrown out, gets his head caught in a hangman, the very thing that lost him an ear. In escaping, the mask goes flying and Undertaker tosses him off the apron through a table. Undertaker hits a chokeslam and gets the one, two and Mankind kicks out. Great.
Taker slits his throat, hits the Tombstone Piledriver and gets the three.
The Undertaker has pinned Mankind in 17:26.
Well, Mankind is dead, I guess.
“It’s a good thing Paul Bearer is wearing a dark suit,” is said as Taker drags him into the ring and there’s a Botchy McBotchface between all three men. Taker has something in his hand, it seems like… yes! It’s flashpaper! He hits Paul with it. The announcers let on it’s some sort of magic or something. Vince considers whether or not it was called for. Oh, now is not the time to get all moral. The music hits and…
On the Card will return on May 4 2017 with the third and final part of In Your House 14: Revenge of the ‘Taker.