Previously on On the Card: Brilliant, bloody match that was saved from Trips hurting himself.
Backstage, Todd Grisham stumbles through a recap of the last match before introducing John Cena, who is the best Cena. Todd asks Cena if he is able to beat Umaga tonight. Todd asks John if Umaga wants some, will he gets some? Cena gives a great promo, ripping the piss out of Umaga and a vaguely racist Samoan slur. He tells “the truth”, that he will fight a man who has not lost, never been pinned nor submitted in his time in the Fed. John says that he will defend the championship as best he can and it doesn’t matter on the outcome. He gives the salute and leaves.
Back in the arena, there are boos, probably for Cena, real boos that aren’t the piped-in cheers that they do when Cena normally turns up.
Carlito appears with Torrie Wilson and a dog. JR tells us that Torrie is his favourite person from Idaho, which isn’t saying much. Huh? I don’t know much about Idaho.
We see a promo where Chris Masters puts the Masterlock on Torrie. It’s just a full nelson. That’s all it is. Torrie is smiley despite the fact that she shouldn’t really be.
Chris Masters’ music hits and out he comes, the Masterpiece. Some pyro hits and he showboats for the crowd. He asks them if they know who the man is (apparently him) and more shitty pyro goes off.
Chris Masters def Carlito (w/ Torrie Wilson) via pin in 05:56.
The match starts pretty quickly. This is the usual piss-break match where everyone can leave before Cena comes out for the main event. Carlito deserves better than this. He hits the facebuster from Bret’s rope and takes a huge back-body drop from Masters. Another body drop from Roidy McMasters and a kick to the face as well. Good man yourself. Carlito escapes a backdrop and jumps onto the apron. Carlito hits a lovely double springboard moonsault onto Master but gets only a two-count. JR tells us that the Masterlock is just a full Nelson. Fair enough. Masters gives a one-arm backdrop where Carlito sells like a boss and lands on his face.
Masters drags Carlito about by the hair and JR complains that the ref does naught to stop it. Lovely backdrop and backbreaker on Carlito but despite it all, Carlito isn’t selling as much as he should. Torrie hits out perfect time on the mat, unlike Sable, who can’t batter in time at all. Terrible woman. Masters goes for a pin but fails. He shouts at Carlito, asks if he is trying to impress Torrie. A shitty springboard elbow from Carlito followed by a running knee and a side flapjack which only gets a two-count. Then there’s a weird manouver that Masters pulls the tights on Carlito and gets the pin in 5:56.
Piss-break match and Carlito deserves better.
This Chris Masters guy is a real piece of shit.
Masters hits the Masterlock for a few seconds, drops Carlito, points at him and wipes his eyes. What a wet fart. He leaves the ring with a strut, stops, turns around, comes back to the ring, scares Torrie away and decides to finally leave for real. JR says, “He has so little character that he would just do that.” Scathing.
Promo for the maaaaaain event: Umaga vs. Cena. We get that Umaga is super tough and Cena is super tough and this is going to be a match. As a mark, people would be going bananas for this. “Who will win?” they will ask, “How can Cena win this? Umaga is undefeated!” As a smark, people are asking, “How can Cena win whilst putting Umaga over?” and “Does Umaga deserve to be Fed Champ?”
We’re about to find out as Umaga appears, nine months of an undefeated streak and has had matches for ages as well, unlike people like Brock or Goldberg who wrestle once a year or so. Armanda Alejandro Estrada follows him but does not take the mic, thank Christ.
Cena’s music hits and the crowd goes bananas. I love Cena. I say this a lot. I know that he can be boring, especially at this time in history, but I just think he’s the bees knees. He comes down to the ring, throwing up the championship belt and not getting to the end of his song! Whaaaat? They must be trying to get the match over and done with as quickly as possible.
WWE Championship match: John Cena def Umaga (w/ Armanda Alejandro Estrada) via pin 17:18.
JR tells us that he does not envy the referee, Mike Chioda, nor does he envy John Cena. The match starts with quick-paced high-powered moves where Cena gives Umaga a facebuster, throws the Samoan out of the ring (where he goes bananas, like the savage he is) and waits for Umaga to go to the apron before attempting to knock him off and getting thrown out of the ring himself. Umaga throws Cena against the steel steps and chucks him into the ring. The crowd bay for Cena and Umaga charges him into the corner before hitting Cena with a great clothesline.
Umaga takes a bunch of punches before hitting Cena with a great Samoan Drop. Fantastic. Looked terrific, good man yourself. Cena gets to the apron and knocks Cena onto the table. Umaga intimidates the ref and walks out of the ring. JR says, “C’mon guys, we’ve had enough of this over here!” as the two threaten to damage the announcer’s table once more. Cena hits two shoulder barges and a great sunset flip that he Aloha Arns for a while before attempts to leg drop Cena but he rolls out of the way. Cena attempts to scoop Umaga for the body slam, fails and Umaga almost gets the pin. Umaga hits the leg drop and Cena is, once again, knocked onto the apron. Cena hits the guillotine and goes to the top rope with a great lariat that Umaga catches, turning it into a tiltawhirl sidewalk slam. Cena gets the foot on the rope before Umaga can get the three.
Big headbutts from the Samoan to our man John. John is up and finally gets a great sunset stunner on Umaga but the Samoan is up with the spinning kick following another headbutt. JR equates Umaga to Yokozuna, both Samoans. Umaga does a giant sit on Cena. On the third, Cena’s knees come up and get the Samoan in the balls. Cena goes for the FU but cannot lift him up. Christ, it looks like a bad fall. Cena gets chucked out of the ring by Umaga and there’s some showboating for a while. Cena is trying to hulk up in the middle of the ring and the pair have a little massage for a while. It’s all very nice.
Cena fights to his feet, breaks Umaga’s hold, gets a little momentum and is knocked to the floor. Umaga goes to Bret’s rope for a flying Samoan Spike but Cena rolls out of the way and we have a wee lie down by both men. Cena shakes the arm, building up to an FU. The pair trade punches mid-ring and Cena gets a big head of steam up before Umaga punches him to the ground. Cena throws Umaga into the corner twice, hits the sit-out powerbomb, gets ready for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, sells for a while and builds to the FU. Cena, once again, cannot lift Umaga up and he gets a belly-to-belly for his efforts. Umaga puts Cena into the tree of woe and gets a flying headbutt. Umaga builds up some momentum, runs at Cena and the champ gets a roll-up and wins in 17:18.
Good match where no one goes over. The end lost all speed, though, and was a bit of a let-down.
How did Umaga not kick out?
Cena falls backstage as Umaga runs around in the ring, angry as a nest of hornets. He smashes that which is not already smashed and Cena returns to take the heat away, just like Hogan.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: For that wonderful blade job, only Randy Orton.
Woman of the Matches: Victoria, who actually looked like she could wrestle.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Randy Ooooooooorton.
Best Spot: Johnny Nitro’s ball-busting cage-door-wishbone.
Hatches: Torrie Wilson and Victoria.
Matches: No title changes. Jeff Hardy retains his Intercontinental championship; Mickie James retains her Women’s Championship; Rated-RKO retain their World Tag Team belt and John Cena retains his WWE Championship.
Dispatches: Due to Triple H’s knee injury, we won’t see him for a while. We will not see Vladamir Kozlov either.
Closing Statements: A filler PPV once again, but a fun one and it gets me all excited for the upcoming Royal Rumble.
On the Card will return on January 28 2017 with the Royal Rumble 2007.