Ruthless Aggression #20. Vengeance: Night of Champions (June 24, 2007)

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #20 Vengeance: Night of Champions – June 24, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 24, 2007, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February. This one was tri-branded and had Raw, Smackdown and ECW matches on the card. It is noticeable for taking place on June 24th, 2007, which was the date that Chris Benoit hung himself after murdering his wife and son. He no-showed this PPV and was replaced by Johnny Nitro in the CM Punk ECW Heavyweight Championship match. I will go into more detail about this horrific crime and the effect it had on the wrestling business as well as myself in the conclusion to this review. For now, I will state that personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007

Night of Champions

Did it just use its own name as a tagline? My God.

The promo package tells us that everyone wants to win the gold, which is true, and that this PPV has a gimmick where every belt is on the line! Whaaat? I’m sure this has happened before.

Batista and Edge in a Last Chance Match. Yeo. Will Batista win? Probably.

Bobbo Lasher and Mick Foley and Randy Orton and Booker T and John Cena for the WWE Championship. Mentalnuts.

There’s a shot of an altar with… wrought iron? Tentacles? Who knows? We are welcomed into the Toyota Centre in Houston, Texas by Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler. But first, Justin Roberts introduces Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo! That’s right, old Blackjack Winham and IRS, brothers-in-law and members of the US Express. They won the belts twice in 1985 and held them for a total of 137 days. Not too shabby. Cut to some lovely footage of the lads with Captain Lou Albano.

No time! No time to talk! Old Jeff and Fat Matt Hardy are rocking to the ring, beltless. They lost the belts to Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch on the June 4th RAW, one day after beating the World’s Greatest Tag Team in a ladder match at One Night Stand. Some facts there for you.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Super Crazy and Carlito. At least one of them should not have been there.)

Finally, JR and King introduce us to the announce team alongside 15,000 roaring fans in the arena and 247,000 at home (a drop, once again, from the 337,000 the year previous). JR and King represent RAW and… there are other announcers, too, apparently, but we will get to them soon enough. JR states that Cade and Murdoch are opportunistic for taking the belts one day after a big ol’ ladder match. The crowd bay for the Hardys.

Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch (c) vs. Matt and Jeff Hardy.

Champs never come out first but always get first billing. Them’s the rules.

We have nine matches on the card. Almost all of them will be sub-ten-minutes. Fat Matt to start off against Cade. JR gives off about Cade and Murdoch for a while. Despite their match at Judgment Day, Cade and Murdoch are the nasty heels. Cade holds out his hand, shit eating grin upon his face, and Matt takes advantage, making the audience cheer for him. Lovely running of the ropes and Jeff hits a cross-body to knock Cade down. Jeff is in and they botch a leg-drop-senton double team. Murdoch comes in and a botched swinging neckbreaker. Murdoch gets a kick in the face and lovely enziguri before Matt comes in with an axe-handle nothing. Lovely Poetry in Motion and slingshot baseball slide. Matt comes in and both Hardys clean house. Matt and Jeff stand in the ring as Cade and Murdoch say, “fuck it!” and walk off. Hardys roll out and beat on them for being cowards.

Both Cade and Murdoch rock in and Matt takes pity on Murdoch, who begs for his life. Murdoch tags in Cade sneakily and as Matt squares up to Murdoch, Cade Pearl Harbours him. Crowd bay for Jeff and the hot tag is built up. Murdoch’s eye is hurt from an injury at Smackdown, I think. Cade pops in and works on Matt’s left knee. Murdoch comes in and does the same. Matt fights back but Murdoch takes over with a single legged Boston Crab. Matt crawls away to the ropes and fails to reach them. More pressure applied to Matt’s knee. Matt might tap out. Jeff is desperate to get in and Matt kicks Murdoch on the face, runs up the hot tag, Jeff bounces in and botches his way through a clearing of the house.

Cade gets pinned but kicks out. Jeff retaliates, hits a lovely twisting moonsault, fails another pin. Sit-out vertical suplex and Jeff goes to the top rope and twice does Murdoch knock him off. Lovely sit-out spinebuster by Cade and they retain by pin.

Lance Cade has pinned Matt Hardy. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch retain the World Tag Team Championship in 08:55.

2017 comments:

Good opener. Both teams are very good, though have distinctly different styles. Although the Hardys were not as high-speed as they usually are, it was a clean win and both teams go over. Well, it wasn’t totally clean and the champions are obviously cheaters, but that’s that.

2007 comments:

No Swanton? No Twist of Fate? No wonder they lost.

Grade: B.

Matt looks on in horror as Lance and Trevor leave. Trevor has a wee word with the US Express there. Neither look impressed. Matt sits near Jeff as replays the closing moments, including the seemingly botched interruption. The champs say, “All by the rules!”

Cut to Booker and his mental with Sharmell. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Booker – since Wrestlemania 23, in fact. Booker – in an English accent, no less – states all of his championships and gives his Queen a resume that proves that he should be a champion tonight.

Cut to Cowardly Cole and Cunt JBL. They talk about Eddie and JBL talks about his Eddie’s career will be intertwined with his own. Yes, but not because you’re a good wrassler, JBL, but because Eddit accidentally cut himself badly in a fight. We see a match betwixt our boy Eddie and Bork Lensar, who is a shaved gorilla, but otherwise a lovely bloke.

Crowd chant for Eddie as his less-interesting nephew Chavo comes out.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Chavo was one of the gentlemen who Benoit got in contact with regarding his suicide. Chavo had spoken to Benoit on Saturday and Benoit had told Chavo that he loved him, which Chavo later said sounded “off” to him. Chavo was also a recipient of a text from Benoit and his wife’s phone giving their address. Spooky.

Chavo is the Cruiserweight champion… and comes down first, apparently. God dammit, Fed. Is it just me? Am I wrong. No. No, it is the Federation who is wrong.

Cut to Dean Malenko, the man of 1000 holds, which would be interesting, of course, if not for Jericho, who knows one more.

Jimmy Wang Yang turns up, the resident redneck. What a lad. I love this boy. He’s brilliant. He’s a real lad. Look at him, with his moustache and the whole wife-beater-and-jeans thing going on. He’s like Dean Ambrose, only with talent.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship match: Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang.

Referee Charles “Little Naitch” Robinson there as Cole tells us that the first Cruiserweight Champ was Brian Pillman. That was back in WCW, but they don’t tell you that. Jimmy hits a lovely hip toss and a roll-up but fails. Chavo’s father, Chavo Classic was also Cruiserweight Champ. Chavo calls the ref over, takes advantage of the situation and attacks Jimmy before tossing him into the corner. Jimmy takes over, hits a lovely dropkick and an amazing suplex. Pin and fail.

Jimmy does a sweet run up Chavo’s body and backflips. Chavo baseball slides Jimmy on the apron and tosses him back in, going top rope but getting an enziguri from Jimmy to knock him to the outside. Jimmy goes top rope and hits a cross-body. Jimmy rolls Chavo back in and hits the pin but fails. Fantastic hip-toss from Chavo into the corner, by Christ. Nice side-suplex from Chavo and a pin but fail. Chavo gets Jimmy in a hold and he fights back, tosses Chavo, gets reversed, falls, and Chavo hits the senton. Very confident Guerrero. The crowd chant, “We want Wang!”

Jimmy fights back and hits a wonderful backdrop followed by an Atomic drop onto Chavo’s balls. Jimmy hits an odd cartwheel attack, another cross-body from the top rope and almost a pin-fall. Chavo hits the Three Amigos and gets boos. Jimmy escapes, goes for a pin but Chavo has the bottom rope. Chavo rolls out of the way of a moonsault and hits a Gory Special attempt. Roll-up and Chavo kicks out. The crowd boo. Jimmy is lifted onto the turnbuckle, is knocked onto the ground and Chavo hits the frog splash for the win.

Chavo Guerrero has pinned Jimmy Wang Yang and retains the WWE Cruiserweight Championship in 10:16.

2017 comments:

Good old match. Not as flippy as we expect from Jimmy, but he was so over, it didn’t matter.

2007 comments:

Man, fuck Chavo.

Grade: B.

JR uses the Owen Voice to tell us about Vince McMahon’s alleged death by limo explosion.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: This is infamous because the Raw following Vengeance was due to be a tribute to our man Vince, but it was changed, obviously, to a tribute to Benoit before the news was revealed hours later about the truth of Benoit’s actions. At the ECW the following night, Vince took back the Benoit reference and began the long, arduous process of bleaching him from the WWE.

JR introduces a look into Vince’s “mindset”, showing his last moments and the premonition he had about a dark cloud that then was revealed to be his upcoming death. Twice, Vince looks behind himself and then he hesitates before opening the door to his limo, he steps in, steps out and blows up. The footage was made from spliced footage filmed the Sunday before Raw and an outside agency – Zenith Pyrotechnology – was called in to make it look as effective as possible. Crowd sing, “Na na na na! Waaaay, goodbye.”

Then there’s an opinion piece as to who was responsible for Vince dying. Cut to Bobby Lashley being asked if he had anything to do with the death. He says he wishes Vince was alive to see the look on his face when he wins the belt tonight.

Cut to Tazz and Joey Styles wanking off about Tazz being the greatest ECW Champion of all time.

CM Punk comes down. This is a match to determine who should be the ECW Champion. As mentioned, his opponent in this match was going to be Benoit. Punk half-heartedly throws his t-shirt into the crowd.

For some reason, Justin Roberts introduces Johnny Nitro before he enters the Titantron. No Melina or paparazzi or Joey Mercury tonight so it’s clear that Johnny was added as an afterthought. But Melina is actually on the card tonight, so I don’t see why they couldn’t have her walk him to the ring?

Match for the vacant ECW World Championship: CM Punk vs. Johnny Nitro.

Johnny takes the time to get out of the corner as the crowd chant, “We want Benoit!” Gulp.

The two circle one another and Johnny actually checks the chants before CM Punk kicks the shite out of Nitro, who rolls out of the ring, steps on the apron, slaps Punk and is chased about the ring. Punk slaps the face off Nitro and he gets a lovely springboard kick to the head from Nitro. Punk shakes off the cobwebs as Nitro gets him into a rest hold for a bit as they decide on the next spot. Punk fights out, gets a clothesline to the face and then a boot from Nitro.

Lovely armbar. The crowd want Benoit and he shouts, “You got Johnny Nitro!” The announcers discuss the late change and what that means for Johnny in Kayfabe. Backbreaker and another sleeper hold. Punk fights out of it, gives a lovely enziguri to Nitro and both men take their time getting up. Punk takes over, booting Nitro all about the place and attempting a pin. Nitro reverses a knee lift and Nitro gets a pin with his feet on the ropes but the ref sees it. Punk goes for the GTS but Nitro escapes into a sunset flip which Punk refuses to Aloha Arn. A bulldog from Punk and he pops up to the top rope, attempts a springboard which Johnny escapes from. He then hits a swinging elevated neckbreaker and get the pin.

Johnny Nitro has pinned CM Punk to win the ECW World Championship in 8:00.

2017 comments:

Going through the motions. Neither of the men had a chance to put on a great match and you could see Punk was Grumps McGraw in this match.

2007 comments:

Where was Benoit?

Grade: C.

So, it turns out that Punk was going to fail anyways. That’s a kick in the teeth, isn’t it?

Cut to WrestleMania XII where Bret and Shawn squared off in an Iron Man match for the championship. Shawn refused to submit at the end of the match and it continued under Sudden Death, which is a nice way of saying that now it is a normal match, I guess. Shawn got the pin after a Sweet Chin Music.

Cut to Mick Foley in the locker room, wrapping his knuckles. Randy is there and threatens Mick saying that he has ended careers. Mick reminds Randy that he’s an absolute headcase. Randy says that he won the last match they had. He won it. He won that match.

Cut to Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat and his Intercontinental Championship win. He then pops out himself, waves to the crowd and gets more than the US Express earlier.

Out comes the current Intercontinental Champion, Santino Marella, who was apparently just a fan until he beat Umaga in Milan.

Out comes Umaga, who was an absolute murderer until Cena destroyed him. Now he’s back to just being another wrestler. He shouts at the ring steps for being a mean old set of steps.

WWE Intercontinental Championship match: Santino Marella (c) vs. Umaga.

Umaga screams and Santino dodges out of the way of his charge, attempts a roll-up and fails. Santino is on Umaga’s back and the Samoan drops backwards, squashing Marella. Umaga goes for a splash and Santino gets the knees up but no joy. The crowd chant, “Umaga’s gonna kill you!” and the Samoan gets the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Santino. Marella fights back, attempts to run away and he sells his hand being paralysed. Umaga lifts him up, beats him in the corner and after the shortest five count in history, the ref calls for a DQ.

Umaga has been disqualified by failing to move away from the corner after a five count. Santino Marella retains the WWE Intercontinental Championship by default in 02:34.

2017 comments:

Ugh. If you’re going for a short match, make it believable. Have Umaga fight the referee, maybe, toss him, refuse to let go, bloody Santino up. It just looks like Umaga has been unfairly treated. Shit. Who is the heel here?

2007 comments:

This Santino might be the best champion ever.

Grade: C.

Umaga chases the referee, goes top-rope and splashes Santino. Why? He should be mad at the ref. The crowd chant for “U-Mah-Gah!” and he leaves. He’s clearly not a heel. He rolls back in, shots the thumb and hits the Samoan Spike into Marella’s throat. The crowd chant, “One more time!” but he does not hit it one more time. Maria rocks down the ramp and rolls into the ring to look after Santino. Replays of the ref giving a five count and instantly calling DQ. As Daniel Bryan would say, “He has until five, referee.”

Cut to an ad for Summerslam, featuring Jackass.

Cut to Coward Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL as they talk for some time about the limo explosion. Daniel Beck, the lead federal investigator for the incident. He tells us that forensics have confirmed DNA evidence for Vince, the limo driver and another third party, who is a “well-known personality”.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Cunt President Donal Trump legitimately thought that Vince was dead. I would normally take the time to point out how imbecilic this was… if not for the fact that stocks dropped because of the storyline, showing that money doesn’t necessarily equate to common sense.

Reminder that tomorrow is a three-hour celebration of Vince. Eep.

Cut to Magnum TA, former US Champ, who survived a car crash that left him in the wreck for two hours before ambulance arrived. This car crash ended his career and it was feared that damage to his vertebrae would leave him paralysed for life, but he was able to walk again with the aid of a cane.

MVP appears, ready to kick arse in his onesie. Farty pyro fires off. He squares off to Magnum TA who is standing beside Sign Guy, who has a sign that says, “A Horseman vs A Horse’s Ass”. Brilliant. The jerk beside Magnum TA is doing the Cena, “U Can’t C Me” sign.

Big woo as walking leather handbag Ric Flair walks to the ring. His entrance is cut short as MVP dives out of the ring to jaw off to Flair. Flair has been drafted to SmackDown at the grand old age of 58. Oy vey.

WWE United States Championship match: Montel Vontavious Porter (c) vs. Ric Flair.

Bell rings and MVP jaws off to Flair before the two lock up. MVP gets Flair in a corner, shouts shit in his face and the two argue before Flair woos and gives MVP a slap. Flair struts in the centre of the ring, MVP takes his time on the outside before rolling back in. The two bucks shout at each other and taunt. Flair gets cheers and MVP gets booed. Flair gets MVP into a leg lock and there’s a lovely wee rest hold. MVP gets to the ropes and Flair attempts a leg snap. Rake of the eyes and Flair is lifted onto the apron before being booted off. The champ goes out, picks up Flair and hammers his head off the apron. Pin in the ring followed by another and some punches before another pin and rest hold. Flair has bladed.

Flair gets to the ropes to break the hold and MVP stomps him. Flair is in the corner, takes some shots but survives. Some Flair chops and punches before a big back drop from MVP. He checks his chest and zips back up his top. Yeo. Rest hold city over here. A lone fan in the crowd woos. Flair fights back and knocks the champ back. Lovely fireman’s carry into gorilla press and a pin but still no win. The announcers talk about other champs and how they would feel about MVP. Flair hits a jawbreaker and slaps MVP on the ropes. Dodgy botched choke into backdrop and Flair chops away at MVP, runs the ropes and hits the high elbow. Back body drop and Flair is still in control, going for the ten punch in the corner but only getting five before MVP escapes.

MVP goes for another boot in the corner but misses. Flair attacks the knee, struts and attacks the knee again. Figure Four is locked in and MVP is reaching for the ropes before reaching it easily. Flair takes a thumb to the eye, hits the Playmaker for the win.

MVP has pinned Ric Flair and retains the WWE United States Championship in 8:43.

2017 comments:

Nice of them to unwrap Flair and feed him the Lazarus Solution to resurrect him once again.

2007 comments:

Did we really think Flair could ever win?

Grade: C.

Maggle tells us that Flair was in control. We see the ref pull Flair away – not DQing him like they did to Umaga – and MVP leaves, still the champ.

Backstage, Todd Grisham speaks to John Cena, who hits Todd and gives the big thumbs up to the camera. Edge appears and the pair waste time talking about the failed Vince McMahon Whodunnit. Cena tells Edge that he’s too soft to kill Vince. Edge basically implicates himself and the FBI guys appears to ask Edge some serious questions about a death that never actually happens.

By the side of the crowd is Rick Martel and Tony Garea, who were Tag Team champs back in the day. A different tag team, of course, to the World Tag Team Champions earlier… Confused much?

Deuce ‘n Domino come out, all shoo-bopping and doo-wopping with Cherry on her roller blades. I like this gimmick. It’s silly. Deuce lifts up Cherry and walks her three steps. They won the tag team belts from Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Deuce and Domino make fun of Martel and Garea, saying that the place stinks and that they thought the old champs were dead. Stay classy.

Sgt. Slaughter’s music hits and out he rocks, saluting to everyone, pointing and shouting. Then out comes legit murderer, Jimmy Snuka. This is the second match in a row with ancient wrestlers fighting new wrestlers. Cunt JBL talks about calling Ron Simmons and starting up the APA. Cole tries to be his friend. JBL turns him down.

Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Deuce ‘n Domino (c) (w/ Cherry) vs. Sgt. Slaughter and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

Deuce starts off and Cole tells us that it’s a bit odd that Snuka and Slaughter are tagging together as they feuded back in the day. Botched running of the ropes and jumping as Domino jumps too early and lands on Snuka’s neck. He hits Domino a bunch and tags in Slaughter, who hits a pump-handle gutbuster and snapmare for a pin. Big fail. Slaughter tosses Domino about and gives him a back body drop. Another pin. Another fail.

Slaughter hits the Cobra Clutch and finds the rope pretty quickly. Big elbow shots and Domino takes a big old clothesline. Another Cobra Clutch and Deuce walks back. Deuce hits Slaughter, why he doesn’t tag in is beyond me. Finally, he does and a ref distraction causes the choke from Domino. Domino tags Deuce in.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Deuce is, of course, the son of Jimmy Snuka.

Deuce is beating on Slaughter, looks at his dad, goes to the top rope, hits a taunt on Superfly, does a big splash but fails. Slaughter goes for the tepid tag and the dad whups his son for a while. Snuka pins his son and Domino jumps in to break it up. Slaughter pulls him out and Superfly hits his son with a ribbreaker. He goes to the top rope and Cole fucks up the naming of the splash. Domino fails to knock him off – probably a botch – and Snuka hits the splash, rolls through and Deuce gets the pin.

Deuce has pinned Superfly Jimmy Snuka to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship in 6:34.

2017 comments:

Jesus, boys, at least do a bit of training before getting into the ring.

2007 comments:

Did we really think that Deuce ‘n Domino won by accident?

Grade: C.

The heel champs beat on the losers and Martel and Garea run in to save them. Big cheer as the winners run off. Then Superfly’s music hits as the old men are awkward mid-ring. Replays of the “win” and subsequent beat-down.

Coming up next, it’s the last chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship, Edge vs. Batista. Replays of their last few matches and we’re all very impressed with Edge’s thong.

Cole talks about Harley Race, an eight-time NWA champion and King of the Ring winner.

The champ, Edge comes out first once again. Because why wouldn’t he? Edge lists his belt for the farty pyro. He is called the “Ultimate Opportunist”, which is not really true, is it? If it were, he’d be taking every opportunity he could, including DQing himself in order to retain quickly.

Batista rocks out with his new haircut, hits his gatling gun pyro and strolls to the ring, rocking on his toes. Cole tells us that he asked Batista, “What are you gonna do tonight? It’s your last chance,” which is almost as stupid as when he asked Austin, “Are you ready to enter hell?” back in 2001, the fucking ghoul.

Batista rolls out, chases Edge off and hugs Harley Race. Real babyface.

Edge kisses the belt and the bell is rung.

Last Chance Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Batista cannot wait to get his hands on Edge, going for his legs almost instantly. The pair hammer on each other and Batista hits the pin pretty early on but fails to keep him down. A wee rest hold from the two men and Batista stalks his enemy, constantly holding onto rest holds. Edge fights back and gets the Animal in the corner, but is limping from the damage pretty early on. Lovely Bossman Slam from Batista followed by a pin that fails. Annoying whistling person in the crowd. Batista gets thrown out of the ring and lies there for a while. Edge rocks out, hitting the axe-handle-nothing from the apron. Batista lifts Edge up but he escapes and reverses it into a lovely push into the steel ring post.

Batista reenters the ring and Edge is on him, hammering him on the back of the neck. Edge runs Batista’s shoulder into the steel post and we stand around for a while. Very slow pace here. Batista goes to the apron and gets hit with a baseball slide. Edge hot-dogs and grandstands for the crowd as Batista really sells the baseball slide. Batista rocks back into the ring and he have… armbar city. Both men are either gassed or purposely bringing the pace down. I can’t wee why. Batista hits an arm drag, is thrown – once again – into the corner, shoulder first, and follows it up with a short, sharp tug. Batista falls back, has trouble getting to his feet and does so, fighting back before a drop-toe-hold moves straight into an armbar. Armbar city.

Batista lifts Edge into a fireman’s carry into a Samoan Drop but Edge holds on, holding as tight as he can. Batista battles to his feet, punches Edge, lifts him into the corner and gets a boot to the face for his effort. Batista’s veins are all twisted and gross. Edge drives at Batista, but the Animal hits a murderous clothesline. Ten count starts.

Both men are up and Batista hits a looooovely back body drop. It is beautiful. Batista then hits a swinging Rock Bottom on Edge but fails to hit the pinfall. He sets up the Batista Bomb but Edge escapes and hits the DDT. Edge is amazed that it means nothing. He rocks out, grabs his belt and the ref shouts at him. Roll-up from Batista. Roll-up from Edge. Dominator attempt by Batista, Edge-O-Matic from Edge. Both men are down, both men are up and a spear from Batista knocks the champ down. Edge whups his arm right up to hit the Animal with a low blow.

Edge has disqualified himself by an illegal action. Batista is the winner of this match but Edge still retains World Heavyweight Championship in… 16:50?

Something fucky’s going on here. Same thing happened ten years ago at In Your House 14: Revenge of the ‘Taker with Owen Hart and British Bulldog being illegally pinned by the Legion of Doom.

Teddy Long rocks out and restarts the match. He adds the stipulation that a further DQ will cause Edge to lose his championship. Edge bounces back in and the bell goes despite the fact that Batista is not ready. Edge prepares for the Spear, hits it and almost gets the pin! Almost! Edge runs out, gets a chair, remembers that it will mean he loses and rolls in only for Batista to attempt the Batista Bomb and throw Edge over the top rope. Batista gets thrown into the steel steps and then hits Edge with the Batista Bomb. However, he took so long that Batista gets counted out.

Batista has gotten himself counted out. Edge is the winner of this match and retains World Heavyweight Championship in 16:50.

2017 comments:

Have a screwy ending, only to restart the match… and have another screwy ending. Nice, guys. Very nice.

2007 comments:

Disappointed.

Grade: C.

No good storyline in this match. Batista has lost his chance to win the championship. He’s furious. He picks up the champ and hits a second Batista Bomb, his music plays and he leaves the ring. Batista punches the ring a bunch of times and the replays of his loss play. Distraught, he walks up the tron.

Cut to JR and Jerry, who talk about Fabulous Moolah, the madam. They have a wee laugh and show the original screwjob where Moolah was the “Spider Lady”, completely revising history, the bastards.

Melina appears with her paparazzi, smiling as she rocks down and splits to enter the ring. Bless her, she tries awful hard.

Candice Michelle appears, slapping hands and wearing… a garter belt to hold up her trousers? Weird. So weird.

WWE Women’s Championship: Melina (c) vs. Candice Michelle.

Right, everyone, take a knee. This is the piss break match, I guess.

Melina raises her hand for a test of strength, kicks Candice right between the legs and is thrown into the corner, hitting Melina with a head-scissors submission, moving into a tarantula before being kicked outside. Melina sits on the apron and tries a head scissors of her own, rolls into the ring and attempts a pin. Melina pops Candice into the corner, hits the double knees and gets another head-scissors on her before attempting a takedown. The announcers call Melina a “playboy wannabe”, reducing her to a glamour model. Bow and arrow submission followed by a pin attempt. Melina goes over the top rope and Candice hits a weak powerslam, shakes her hips and hits an elbow. Pin attempt and fail.

Bulldog by Candice and another pin attempt. Melina hits a Neckbreaker and fails again on the pin. Both women run the ropes and Candice wins by a pin after an embarrassing roundhouse kick. Her top also falls down.

Candice Michelle has pinned Melina to win the WWE Women’s Championship in 4:07.

2017 comments:

Embarrassing.

2007 comments:

She’s crying because she knows how shit it is.

Grade: Not a match.

Awful, just awful. Women wrestlers deserve better than this.

Cut to a promo for… WrestleMania? Oh, on DVD. Three discs, or so I’m told. Five hours of extras. Four hours of actual WrassleMania. Cunt Trump gets top billing.

Justin Roberts introduces Cunt JBL, who used to be a WWE Champ. He gets the grip to hand a piece of paper to Roberts and says that he must read from the paper, exactly. It wanks JBL off for a while. Fuck JBL.

Promo for the Five-Pack Challenge, which JR says is… “So unique.” It’s not. We see Mick, Booker, Cena, Randy and Bobbo Lasher as champions as they say what it means to be a champion. The five men tell the camera who they are. We see their “best moments”, which involves mostly Mankind.

Justin Roberts describes the chaos that will unfold: all five men will fight and the first to get a pinfall or submission will win. No eliminations.

Bobbo Lasher comes out first with his golden shower.

Micker Foley comes out next, facing it up.

Booker comes out with Queen Sharmell, the best queen. He has an odd animal fur cloak on. Weird dude. JR calls Sharmell beautiful. She is, she’s great looking. Long bloody entrance, mind.

Then Randy comes down with his great entrance theme tune, taking half an hour to get to the ring, jogging for a bit like the smelly jobber that he is. He hits the legend killer pose mid-ring and that’s him.

Cena keeps us waiting, you know, all four men await him and the crowd goes ballistic the second that his music hits.

Five-Pack Challenge for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Mick Foley vs. King Booker (with Queen Sharmell) vs. Randy Orton.

All five lads are in the ring, finally, and the match begins. Booker leaves and Sharmell gives him a lovely massage. Cena bops Randy, who gets a back-body drop from Lasher and is tossed over the rope by Mick. Booker comes in, tosses Cena out and hammers Lasher. Lashley hits a thunderous clothesline and tosses him out, hitting a very dangerous looking suicide dive onto all four men, picks up Booker and rolls him back in. Mid-ring, Lasher hits the Rack Attack and Cena breaks up the pin to big boos. Both big men face off and trade punches mid-ring. Lasher hits a great spinebuster and both men roll to the outside. Cena takes a bomp to the head from the steel steps and Lasher begins to prepare an announcer’s table for a bump.

Randy and Foley interrupts it as Booker and Foley fight by ringside. All the other men have a wee lie down, waiting for their own personal spot. Foley takes a real bad looking steel ring step bump and it’s Randy and Lasher’s turn to fight. Lasher counters an RKO, walks straight into an FU and is clobbered through the ECW announce table. Booker and Cena have a scrap in the ring mit Flair chops. Booker cracks Cena in the face with a boot and some lovely knees and Irish whip. Cena fights back and clobbers Booker before taking a Scissors kick to the back of the neck. Randy breaks up the pin and gets a punch to the face before Cena – no selling the Scissors kick – knocks him out, hits the sit-out powerbomb, attempts a Five Knuckle Shuffle but eats an RKO. Randy attempts the pin and Foley breaks it up, cracking Orton with elbows and a knee to the head before turning on Booker for a boot and hitting the double underhook DDT.

Foley whups Mr. Socko out of his jocks, eats a superkick from Booker and both he and Randy fall with a double clothesline. Foley throws the sock into the crowd and takes a steel chair into the ring. Cactus bops Bobby with the chair followed by Booker. Cena gets to his feet and eats a chair before Randy stops the carnage. The Viper stalks Foley, gives him the punt kick. And Cena gets ready for the FU with Booker, tosses him out and hits Mick with one instead for the pin.

John Cena has pinned Mick Foley to retain the WWE Championship in 18:08.

2017 comments:

Spotfest, but a fun spotfest.

2007 comments:

Mick was in it. Match of the Year.

Grade: A.

The DVD I was watching had the match at maybe 10 minutes, they must have cut out some rest holds. Cena celebrates and the WWE moves into a new and terrifying era.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but I’d say the final match was fast-paced and fun and put the onus on John Cena’s shoulders.

Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Sharmell? I choose Sharmell.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: John Cena

Best Spot: The parade of specials at the end of the Five-pack challenge.

Hatches: Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

Matches: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch retain their World Tag Team Championship; Chavo Guerrero retains his WWE Cruiserweight Championship; Santino Marella retains his WWE Intercontinental Championship; Montel Vontavious Porter retains his WWE United States Championship; Deuce ‘n Domino retain their WWE Tag Team Championship; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; Candice Michelle has the only title change of the evening, winning the WWE Women’s Championship from Melina for her first reign; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: We say goodbye to everyone: Batista, Bobby Lashley, Booker T, Candice Michelle, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cherry, CM Punk, Deuce, Domino, Edge, Jeff and Matt Hardy, Jimmy Superfly Snuka, Jimmy Wang Yang, John Cena, Johnny Nitro, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Mick Foley, Melina, MVP, Randy Orton, Ric Flair, Santino Marella, Sgt. Slaughter, Sharmell, Super Crazy and Umaga.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. I have done another one today because this is the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression section of this blog. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV (since WrestleMania 23). Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV – WrassleMania 23. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels (Summerslam 06), [REDACTED] Benoit (Survivor Series ’06), Joey Mercury (Royal Rumble 07), Stone Cold Steve Austin (WrestleMania 23).

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge and Shawn Michaels (Backlash 07), CM Punk and Elijah (Judgment Day 07), Batista and Edge (One Night Stand 07), John Cena (Vengeance: Night of Champions 07).

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… CM Punk and Elijah Burke!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell (Summerslam 06), Trish Stratus (Survivor Series 06), Victoria (Royal Rumble 07), N/A (WrestleMania 23).

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Mickie James (Backlash 07), N/A (Judgement Day 07), N/A (One Night Stand 07), Queen Sharmell (Vengeance: Night of Champions

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Mickie James because Queen Sharmell cannot win twice!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania (and the final PPV in this case), I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. This list is a bit shorter due to the fact that the shows have been so recent.

  • Andrew James Robert Patrick Martin AKA Test, March 17 1975 – March 13 2009; accidental overdose of oxycodone.
  • Christopher Michael Benoit, May 21 1967 – June 29 2009; hanging.
  • Edward Smith Fatu AKA Umaga, March 28 1973 – December 4 2009; heart attack caused by acute toxicity.
  • Harry Fujiwara AKA Mr. Fuji, May 4 1934 – August 28 2016; old age. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by Don “The Rock” Muraco.
  • James Reiher Snuka AKA Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, May 18 1943 – January 15 2017; unidentified terminal illness. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1996 by Don Muraco, though his profile is no longer available due to his alleged murder of Nancy Argentino in 1983.
  • Jonathan “Jon” Rechner AKA Balls Mahoney, April 11 1972 – April 12 2016; heart attack.
  • Lance Kurtis McNaught AKA Lance Cade, March 2 1981 – August 13 2010; heart failure caused by intoxication from mixed drugs.
  • Nelson Lee Frazier Jr AKA Viscera AKA Mabel AKA Big Daddy V, February 14 1971 – February 18 2014; heart attack.
  • Roderick George Toombs AKA Rowdy Roddy Piper, April 17 1954 – July 31 2015; cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Ric Flair in 2005.
  • Virgil Riley Runnels Jr AKA Dusty Rhodes, October 12 1945 – June 11 2015; a bad fall. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by his sons, Cody (Stardust) and Dustin (Goldust).

Closing Statements: I think that it’s only fair that I explain why I have decided to end this section of the blog at this PPV and it will come as no surprise that it is because of Chris Benoit. At the time of his death, professional wrestling had been an interest that had dwindled for me to a once-a-month event, more frequently if a match on Raw or Smackdown was highly gimmicked or was heard to be amazing. The only thing keeping me watching was – as I’m sure other fans were – the anticipation that if I stopped watching, I would somehow miss something amazing. Chris Benoit’s murder/suicide (although completely unrelated to storyline professional wrestling) stopped me watching for a while. As the details about the weekend of murders came to light, I realised that I could not watch a sport that allowed its employees to take such a punishment that would cause them to have brains in such disrepair that they could be brought to kill their son and wife. I still sometimes feel conflicted about it. The WWE, in fairness to them, took precautions to ensure that their employees are healthier today than they were back then. I feel that the wrestling now is better than it was in 2007 and even during the Attitude Era. Now, the wrestling is the best in the world and that is because the wrestlers are healthier and not taking chair shots every night. It’s a shame three people had to die for that to happen.

Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Fucking pudding, man.

The cage begins to slowly lower. Ominous music plays. Maggle introduces the match and Cunt JBL is a cunt for a while.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: At the time of writing, #FireJBL is trending on Twitter. Close followers of this blog will know that I am not a Cunt JBL fan and news that Mauro Ranallo (a far superior announcer to anyone else on the current WWE announcing team outside of Austin Aries and Corey Graves) is leaving due to a bout of depression brought on by bullying from Cunt JBL (Ranallo is bipolar as well) is heartening and tragic. Heartening because fans are finally moving away from the strange, sophomoric and archaic culture that wrestling has had over the past century – mean ribs, hazing, backstage bullying etc. – and tragic that WWE will obviously want to save face over this and likely keep Cunt JBL and hope that the story dies down. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is that WWE has its “Be A Star” anti-bullying initiative and this may force their hand. Unfortunately, this may only involve Cunt JBL leaving the announcing team (which is fantastic in and of itself) and he may continue to work in a backstage capacity, which is keeping him close and on the payroll but removing him from the spotlight. WWE might want to do this because Cunt JBL is a cunt and will likely go straight to the rrrrragsheets, brother, and sell stories from backstage to the highest bidder. Stories have been uncovered (or should I say REuncovered as many of them were known well before now especially by fans of the politics of wrestling) of Cunt JBL’s backstage bullying – homophobia regarding Chris Kanyon, soaping Edge’s arse in the shower, wrestler’s court etc. – and now a bigger audience is privy to the backstage culture that all wrestling, not just the WWE, needs to get away from. Phew.

So the fuckin’ cage is still coming down, I guess. Edge is a heel and Batista is face. They had a bad match last time, hopefully this will be better.

Cut to a promo where we see Edge beating Kennedy and cashing in the Money in the Bank to defeat Undertaker and take his championship. Teddy Long tells him that he will defend the belt against the winner of a #1 Contender Match. The winner is our boy Batista and his grumpy face. Edge slags Batista for losing at Judgement Day.

Back in the arena, we are told the rules of the steel cage match. We all know it.

Edge’s music – fuck sake, Fed – plays and the champion comes out first with farty pyro and a lovely shot of a Gilette car. Gots to get those sponsors in, huh? He stands in the ring.

Batista’s music hits and out comes Grumps McGraw himself, doesn’t go to either side like he usually does, instead he walks down, does his gatling gun pyro, looks at the steel cage for a wee while, and walks in. Cunt JBL and Maggle consider that Batista’s leg might not be as injured as it was on Judgment Day. Both men square off and the bell rings.

Steel Cage match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Edge just sprints right for the door as soon as the bell rings. Batista has him, drags him away and tosses him into the corner. Edge takes the time to climb up but is pulled off the wall by Batista. Edge takes an Irish Whip into the corner followed by an elbow. A second Irish Whip and Edge uses the momentum to scale the cage and gets on top of the turnbuckle as Edge falls back and rolls onto the apron. Camel Clutch in the middle of the ring, break back, make humble. The crowd bay for Batista. He actually covers Edge mid-ring. You can win a cage match by pinfall or submission but I have rarely seen it outside of a two-out-of-three-falls match or an elimination match. Edge climbs again and Batista removes him from the side of the cage like a spider being swept down a plughole. Lovely suplex from Batista. Another pin. Fail.

Batista finally attempts to climb the cage and it is Edge who takes him down with a dropkick to the knee. Batista falls, stalls on selling, oversells and gets a spear to the gut. Edge hits a lovely baseball slide. Pin attempt and Edge does not win.

Edge crawls to the door, attempts to escape but Batista drags him back in, literally. Edge fights back, goes to the turnbuckle, removes the ring rope padding and attempts to drive Batista’s skull into the steel. Batista lifts Edge, who escapes and hits the Edge-O-Matic. Edge crawls to the corner, gets to the tippy-top and Batista grabs him, gives him some lovely punches and a great superplex into the middle of the ring. Pin attempt and Edge kicks out. Batista starts to climb up not and the crowd go bananas as he gets to the edge and Edge himself is up, fighting back. Batista tosses Edge off, goes – stupidly – for the top-rope-nothing and Edge hits a missile dropkick. The crowd chants, “Bah-tee-stah!”

Both men run at each other, going for the spear/shoulder block. Cunt JBL considers the difference between being hurt and injured. Batista is up, ramming Edge into the cage wall and follows it up with a clothesline. Kick to the face from Edge and Batista hits the spinning Bossman Slam. Fair play. Pin attempt and fail. Edge attempts a dropkick but Batista swats it away. Catapult into the cage followed by a roll-up and Edge is still in it. Batista tosses Edge back into the cage wall and Edge is bust open. Batista is finally thrown into the exposed turnbuckle and a Spear to a very, very close pin attempt. Maggle asks, “Can you believe the punishment these two men have endeared?”

Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge jumps off, exposing his black thong as he does so. Edge falls onto the cage wall, crawls halfway over and Batista is up, dragging him back in, over the lip. Edge hits two low blows and Batista falls onto the ropes, wishboning himself. Edge climbs over but Batista is crawling for the door. Batista’s hands are on the floor when Edge plummets to the ground.

Edge has escaped from the cage, retaining his World Heavyweight Championship in 15:39.

2017 comments:

Actually a really good match. I didn’t expect it to be. The beginning was okay and the end was quite nice but the middle bit was the best wrestling I’ve seen in a while.

2007 comments:

Edge wears a thong, I guess.

Grade: A.

Edge escapes, “cowardly as ever,” says Maggle Cole.

Batista has a wee huff.

Cut to outside the arena where JR asks, “can we endure this extremeness one night a year?” Yes. Yes we can.

Promo for the drizzling shits that is our main event – Cena and Khali. Reminder of their awful match at Judgment Day, a match that Cena tried his hardest at but Khali shit the bed as usual. Khali tapped out and – lo and behold – he says about his leg being under the rope, something that I mentioned last month. The cheeky rascal. Cena wants a rematch, though, for some reason, and it’s a falls-count-anywhere match. Khali and Cena stood off at Saturday Night’s Main Event where Khali beat Cena. So they have traded wins.

Justin Roberts tells us that this match can only be won by pinfall, but the pinfall can be anywhere in the building. So that means they can’t pin each other in the parking lot, I guess. Khali comes down and his music is shit and no one cares. The announcers attempt to put his height over. They put over the fact that he has never been pinned and that is the only way to win this.

Then John Cena comes out and the building loses its shit. He’s a great lad, isn’t he? Justin Roberts rocks his, “Jeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaahn Ceeeeee-naaaaaaaaaah,” line as the doctor of thuganomics stares at the challenger and does not take his eyes off him even as he throws his hands up for the end of the first verse.

Falls Count Anywhere match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.

Good thing the champ came out second here. Cena circles Khali and gets a boot in on him. He purposely keeps himself lower so that Khali looks far taller. Khali catches Cena’s leg and knocks him down, follows him around the ring, raining attacks down on him. Kids chant for Cena. The volume is raised. JR says that Khali has a “setlist of moves,” which is akin to saying that Cunt JBL has “a range of emotions.” Khali puts all his weight on Cena’s head. Big boot and down goes our man Face Cena. Khali boots on Cena’s head for a while. What a main event. Super Cena jumps up for the next spot as Khali boots him in the head. Again.

Khali lifts Cena up for the bodyslam and holds him there for a decent amount of time. Khali attempts the leg drop and Cena rolls away. Despite this being a falls-count-anywhere match, they have stayed mid-ring. Cena hits the sunset-flip-stunner and goes top rope for some reason. Khali punches Cena and then shoves him off the turnbuckle, something which Cena did not seem to realise was going to happen. Khali puts one boot on Cena’s chest for the pin. Cena kicks out and Khali throws him on an announcer’s desk. Khali calls for the chop but Cena blocks it, catches it and is tossed over the guardrail into the crowd. Oh, so here is the “anywhere” part of the “falls count anywhere” stipulation. Khali tosses Cena into the sound desk and Cena cracks him with a monitor. He builds up steam and attempts the FU but fails.

We know that the FU is coming, we just don’t know when… or where!

The pair fight towards the titantron with a lovely red wash on them both. Cena is crawling away from Khali slowly. Khali is jawing off to the crowd. Cena hits Khali with the camera arm and goes for the cover but Cena kicks out. Cena, once again, goes for the FU but cannot get it. There is a truck backstage and Khali tosses Cena on it easily. It’s a crane truck thing. Khali climbs up and shouts at the crowd. The crane camera is all twisted. Cena escapes a chokeslam, lifts Khali and tosses him off the crane for the FU and the pin.

John Cena has pinned The Great Khali to retain his WWE Championship in 10:30.

2017 comments:

Needed to be more choreographed. Khali is not good enough to do anything less than total choreography.

2007 comments:

I hope this is the last Khali match.

Grade: C.

Not as bad as I feared, but still pretty bad. Cena rocks back to the ring to hot dog and grand stand.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but Batista and Edge had a great match, much better than I had expected it to be.

Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Maria for the pudding match? No.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Batista and Edge.

Best Spot: Rolling Thunder to snap powerslam from Randy and RVD.

Hatches: Santino Marella!

Matches: The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Bobby Lashley finally legitimately regains his ECW World Championship for the 2nd time; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: Last time we said goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit but it appears that his final PPV appearance was actually as a lumberjack, though that doesn’t count as he did fuck all. For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to Charlie Haas, Chris Masters, Elijah Burke, Kane, Marcus Cor Von, Mark Henry, Matt Striker, Rob Van Dam, Shane McMahon, Shelton Benjamin, The Great Khali, The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Vince McMahon and the other Lumberjacks: Val Venis, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Dude Thorn and Kenny Dykstra.

Closing Statements: I thought it was going to be the worst thing because they were still appropriating the ECW name but making it WWE, but it wasn’t that bad. It really wasn’t.

On the Card will return on June 24 2017 with the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression blog, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #18. Judgment Day (May 20, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: CM Punk and Elijah Burke show everyone else up.

Backstage, it’s Kirstal interviewing the Rated-R Superstar, Edge. He taunts Kristal, lists off his achievements, slags our boy Batista and leaves Kristal with a foul look upon her mug.

Cut to the ring and Randy Orton arrives with his brilliant music, lack of golden shower on the ramp and the crowd – despite it being his hometown – couldn’t give a damn. He hits his legend killer pose mid-ring and gets no golden showers. Big boos. He speaks to the announcers and it is revealed that the winner, by forfeit is-

OH SNAP SHAWN MICHAELS MUSIC HITS.

Down he comes to the ring after some time. He’s stumbling. He looks in a bad way. Jaysus, Shawn, have you been on those funny pills again? He’s just a woozy boy, wooooozy boooooy. The ref is telling Shawn that he doesn’t have to do it! But he’s doing it. The bell rings.

Singles Match: Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels.

Randy hits Shawn right in the head. First second, first shot, knocks the sexy boy on his arse. Randy hits the hanging DDT. JR really sells it. “For the love of God!”

Randy attempts a pin attempt and fails. Randy kicks Shawn in the old head a handful of times. Orton lifts Michaels for the RKO, but HBK can’t stand on his own and topples. He lifts Shawn up onto the turnbuckle, attempts to super-RKO him, pushes Randy to the floor, goes for the elbow and hits it. Shawn is still wobbly, though. How Randy is able to not just kick the shite from this boy is beyond me. Shawn stomps his feet. The crowd count along as he tunes up the band but topples before Orton can take the shot. Randy looks over him, confused and saddened by the legend’s condition. The ref ends the match.

The match had to be cancelled due to referee stoppage. Randy Orton wins the match by default in 4:32.

2017 comments:

I see the point in a storyline match like this. It makes Shawn look amazing and Randy look like a real piece of shit. But at least put on a show of some sort, like have Shawn maybe fight for a bit, gather himself and take an unlucky spill before failing the Sweet Chin Music. Otherwise it just looks sloppy and sad.

2007 comments:

No Kayfabe, Shawn is really hurt. Legit.

Grade: Not a match.

Big boos from the crowd. A little cheer when Orton is told he is the winner. His music pops for a second, Orton looks over his opponent. The crowd bays for an RKO and when Michaels gets to his feet, he gives him one. Rebecca, Shawn Michael’s wife, slides into the ring to cradle her husband’s head. JR calls Orton a bastard. Probably the highlight of the match, if I’m being honest. Crowd cheer for HBK and Rebecca chews the scenery with her caterwauling. Orton has become Conan. He now hears the lamentations of his enemy’s women. HBK is popped onto a stretcher and no one believes that he is truly hurt, obviously. Waste of airtime.

Replay of Shawn getting hit by Orton earlier in the night followed by all the head shots in the match and Michael’s eventual collapse after attempting the Sweet Chin Music.

Backstage, it’s Khali. No one gives a fuck. His interpreter asks a question and Khali answers. The crowd asks, “What?” constantly. The interpreter translates Khali’s gibberish. That’s disrespectful of me, I suppose, he could be speaking Punjabi.

Hardy’s music hits and out the two headcases come, dancing like the fucking Bushwhackers.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch rock out with their generic country music playing. JBL jabbers on for a while, the big idiot.

World Tag Team Championship Match: The Hardy Boys (c) vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

Why are the champions out first? For real, guys, c’mon.

Fat Matt starts off versus Lance Cade. Lovely tie-up in the corner and hip toss followed by both men slapping hands mid-ring. JBL talks about himself, saying that the APA were equal to the Hardys. Noooooooope.

Cade has Matt in an armlock and it is reversed pretty quickly. Cade tosses Matt, lovely Irish Whip combo and Murdoch rocks in with his big old sideburns. He does little and is tagged out. Cade takes a forearm to the head, Jeff rocks in and almost instantly botches a kick. Murdoch is in and Jeff claps to get the crowd going. Lock-up mid ring and a lovely wristlock combination before Murdoch hits back with a hip toss. Hand slap mid-ring and a wee headlock to Irish whip to hip toss. In comes Fat Matt and a Poetry in Motion. Matt works on the left arm of Murdoch for a bit, bopping Murdoch on the back of the neck with a lovely Bret’s rope elbow. Cade is tagged in sneakily and gives Matt a punch to the face.

JBL talks about himself some more, saying Cade reminds him of a young Bradshaw. No. Cade already looks like less of a cunt and is certainly in better shape than JBL ever was. Murdoch rocks in and attempts a turnbuckle splash but Matt reverses. JBL is pissed, “Just when I start putting him over…”

Jeff rocks in and cleans the house, attempts a pin and fails because he hasn’t hit his Swanton yet. Lovely twisting moonsault in the corner and Matt pops in, sending the challengers out. They both consider leaving and the Ref starts a ten count. It gets to seven and Murdoch pops back in, starts making demands to the Hardys. JBL talks about the APA some more. Jeff attempts a flip over the top rope, Murdoch side-steps it and rolls Jeff back in for the pin. Cade is in and beats on Jeff for a while. It’s building up to the hot tag and it’s Jeff’s turn to be a punching bag. Lovely double-team atomic leg drop from the challengers. Jeff escapes a headlock but gets a kick to the face for his effort.

Lovely Irish Whip double team. Pin attempt. Cade tags in Murdoch. Murdoch hits a lovely sunset flip and Matt jumps in to break the pin. Jeff hits the jawbreaker and Matt is building to the hot tag but Murdoch gets there first. Matt is in, though, and he’s leaning house, hitting a bulldog-clothesline on both challengers. Side Effect and pin attempt. Matt tosses Murdoch out but Cade hits a sit-out spinebuster. Matt escapes the pin and fights back with a lovely Twist of Fate. Jeff is tagged in, hits the Swanton, gets the pin.

Jeff Hardy has pinned Lance Cade. The Hardy Boys retain the World Tag Team Championship in 15:02.

2017 comments:

Very good match. Paint-by-numbers match, but a good one. Hardys are damned fine entertainers and Cade and Murdoch are pretty steady.

2007 comments:

No ladders.

Grade: B.

Jeff holds out his hand to the challengers and Matt does the same. Hands are shaken. No faces, no heels, just good wrasslin’. I love that. Some lovely replays where JBL talks about himself.

Back to JR who reminds us that there was a Shawn Michaels match earlier. He’s on his way to the hospital.

The announcer tells us to watch the ‘Tron where the following video is courtesy of Edge. We see him winning the Money in the Bank from Mr. Kennedy. We see him cash it in on The Undertaker. We see him win the World Heavyweight Championship. Then there’s a montage of his best moments. Batista comes out in a suit, does the Cunt Trump handshake and there’s lots of shots of Edge and Batista kicking arse.

Christ a-mighty. Once again, Edge comes out first. He’s the fucking champion! They should never come out first! It’s 2007, boys, c’mon. Big pyro for the Rated-R Superstar but it like ashes in my mouth. Never should the champ walk out first. It doesn’t matter how big a pop the challenger gets. For shame.

JBL cunts it up on commentary. Cole fights back.

There’s enough time passing before our boy Batista comes out to a murderous pop. He runs to one side, he runs to t’other, he jogs on the spot, spins and hits his pyro. Edge dives out of the ring as Batista enters, slaps his chest and flexes for the crowd. He makes sure that he hits all four corners, Austin-style, but with a bit more showboating than Stone Cold ever had.

Edge has a bit of a bruise on his right collarbone. The ref tells the wrestlers the rules. Batista snatches for the belt. Edge holds it close.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Batista has a wee cough as he chases Edge about the ring. Batista has a bandaged leg and JBL bigs it up. Neither men has an advantage just now. They lock up and Batista easily lifts Edge onto the corner turnbuckle. Fear lives in his eyes. Terror. Surprise. Yet he dives towards Batista and is knocked down. Batista batters Edge’s head off three of the corners, beats on him, Irish whips and knocks him down with a high elbow. Edge fights back and is tossed to the outside.

Batista slowly, laboriously leaves the ring, lifts Edge up and tosses him into the steel steps, knee first. Edge rolls in and out to break up the ten count. No idea why. Keep Batista outside. Make him lose by countout. C’mon. It’s not rocket science. Batista goes to his knees, gets a shoulder into the corner by Edge, time is really slowing down for these men. Batista’s limitations are showing here. Cole wonders what fans around the world think about Edge’s antics. Cunt JBL shills himself some more.

Overly vocal ref asks for Batista to give up and tap out during a bad armlock. Both men are super sweaty just now. Batista fights out of the lock and the Animal has Edge in the corner, setting him up for a superplex. Batista falls backwards like a big child and Edge goes for an axe handle nothing that ends in a clothesline. Both men bore the crowd by exchanging punches. Big back body drop from Batista and he follows it up with a lovely sidewalk slam. Edge escapes a body slow and there is a pin attempt… for a body slam reversal. Good god. Why ware these guys so tired? Edge goes for the spear but Batista hits the spear instead. Pin attempt and fail.

Edge escapes an Irish whip but gets a Dominator for his effort. He goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge escapes and gives Edge a spinebuster but wins via roll-up.

Edge has pinned Batista to retain the World Heavyweight Championship in 10:37.

2017 comments:

Real let down. No memorable spots, both men were gassed seconds in.

2007 comments:

Is that it over?

Grade: C.

Not a good match from either men. I expect better.

Ad for Ozzy, who sings the theme song.

Tony Chimel fucks up his intro by saying, “The following is, uh, a… match. Two out of three falls.” He explains the rules, even though it’s a two-out-of-three falls match. It’s very obvious what the rules are.

My boy MVP appears from his inflatable house, hitting big pyro and rocking to the ring like an absolute thug. Cunt JBL says that MVP has joined, “this Federation… Federation brand. I’m still getting over that Divas section.”

There was no Divas section on the DVD I watched. According to other blogs, however, there was a bit with Kristal asking the Divas to choose a winner between Khali and Cena. I’m sorry I missed it.

Out comes the Rabid Wolverine, [REDACTED] Benoit, who is, at this point, only a month and two days away from being a murderer. He looks huge and scary because he is huge and scary.

Two-out-of-three falls match for the WWE United States Championship: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) vs. MVP.

Good. The champ comes out last. This is nice.

Lovely long lock-up that ends with both men rolling out, staring at each other, rolling in and sharing some slaps. Lovely arm drags and hip tosses from Benoit. He tries to lock on the crossface and MVP gets to the ropes. Crowd are dead. It’s a shame because this match is far superior, already, the Edge/Batista match, but it’s the piss-break match before the main event, so the crowd can’t be bothered. The announcers big up MVP and fair play because he’s actually fantastic. Benoit gets a lovely arm lock on MVP and he gets to the ropes to break the hold. Great chest shops and Benoit goes flying. MVP works Benoit’s knee and we’re constantly told that it is sore.

Sadly, JBL calls Benoit a “hall of fame guy”. That is not so and it breaks my heart. MVP beats on Benoit in the corner and he fights back with some swift chops before hitting the triple Germans. The last one is a bit dodgy and MVP pops to his feet. Benoit hits the crossface but MVP gets to the ropes just in time. Very good. MVP boots Benoit for that. Ohhhh, he’s ticked. Benoit dodges a kick and Benoit attempts the Sharpshooter. MVP breaks the hold with the rope again. Benoit hits an enziguri and Little Naitch gives off to MVP. Benoit goes for the Electric Chair but MVP counters it to a Playmaker and gets the pin.

MVP has pinned Benoit to gain one pinfall. The score is currently:

MVP… 1

Benoit… 0

The crowd boo. They’re not happy at all. Replay of the Playmaker as the men take the “traditional 60 second rest period between falls.” I don’t think that it’s a tradition. I rarely see it happen.

Benoit hits hard on MVP, breathing like a maniac and looking like a sweaty man. Little Naitch gives off to MVP for not getting into the goddamn ring. Pin attempt and Benoit survives. MVP attacks Benoit’s face, sets him up in a tree of woe and kicks him in the injured knee that the announcers won’t shut the fuck up about. MVP works the knee some more because why not. Crowd are chanting, “This is boring!” and, thankfully, the announcers don’t check it. Chops from Benoit that Cunt JBL likens to being shot.

Submission move on Benoit as his injured knee is hooked around MVP’s head. Benoit rocks over to the bottom rope, breaks the hold and MVP batters him with knees to the head. Another attempt at a Playmaker but he reverses it into a crossface. MVP escapes! He getst to his feet, he rolls Benoit up and the Wolverine escapes. Another roll-up and the win.

MVP has pinned Benoit to gain one pinfall. The score is currently:

MVP… 2

Benoit… 0

MVP has defeated Benoit two out of three falls to win WWE United States Championship in 12:46.

2017 comments:

Strong start, got slow, got boring.

2007 comments:

I expect better.

Grade: C.

It started off as an A-grade match and finished no better than the match previous. Damn shame. Benoit is sitting by the side of the ring. Poor guy. Masterful acting though.

Cut to JR and King as they shill One Night Stand, which was originally an ECW PPV and is not tri-branded. They talk about the upcoming match – Cena against Khali.

Cut to a promo where someone is talking out the biggest stars – HBK, Orton, Edge. That man is… Khali. It’s a nice gimmick, if we just cut to the damage caused by a mystery assailant but never actually saw the attack. If this went on for weeks, that’s brilliant. Who is it? Who is attacking? The promo puts over Michaels being hurt by Khali. They put over our Lord and Saviour, Jesus (who is the Christ), even though Khali is Hindi. Khali steals Cena’s WWE Championship belt and Cena gets beat up trying to steal it back.

Some stats on screen: Cena is 6’1”, Khali is 7’3”, reputedly, with over a foot’s height difference betwixt them. Cena weights 248lbs, Khali 420lbs, blazing it with almost 172lbs difference, which is one of me. Cena’s reach is 32inches and Khali’s is 41inches. Cena has size 13 shoes, Khali has the made-up-sounding 18EEEE. That’s four E’s! Cena’s moves tell us to fuck up – FU and STFU – whereas Khali’s are just normal moves with the word Giant before them – Giant Chop and Giant Chokeslam. However, there is one vital difference between them: Khali is a filthy foreigner who don’t speak no ‘Murican as he is from Punjab in India, with Osama and all them terr’rists. John Felix Anthony Cena? He’s from West Newbury, Massachusetts. You know who else was from Massachusetts? Freedom.

Fuck sake. Once again, the Fed send out their champ first. This is disgusting. It’s like a snuff film. It should be illegal. The crowd go bananas for our man Cena. What a guy. He’s brushing your mouth like Colgate.

Big wait for Khali. Why? He’s the drizzling shits. Big boos, big X-Pac heat for this man when he comes out. JR tells us not to adjust our sets as he walks out. Very nice touch, there, JR. He reminds us that Khali has never been pinned or made to submit. Why are there so many undefeated streaks happening at once?

Crowd boo Khali. Crowd cheer Cena. Let’s go Cena.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.

This is going to be an awful match. Cena is looking up at Khali, who lifts his hands and roars. Cena sells the clothesline like he’s done dead. Brilliant. Khali punches Cena and he rolls out of the ring. Khali lifts Cena up, tosses him into the steel ring steps and rolls him back into the ring. Pin attempt with big boot on Cena’s chest. Kick out and a body slam for his effort. Big leg drop and a cover that is broken by a foot on the rope.

Irish whip and Cena bounces off the floor like the poor son of a bitch that he is. Cena hits a sunset flip cutter and Khali fails to sell. Cena is building up a big old head of steam but Khali roundhouse kicks him on his arse. Cena and Khali roll to the outside where Khali batters the champ’s head off the announcer’s table.

Rest hold. Klingon Nerve Grip City.

Cena fights out and hits the shoulder barges. Khali is caught in an Andre arm-guillotine on the ropes. He escapes and knocks Cena down to a big boo. Cena is up to his feet and catches Khali’s big chop. Both men roll out again and Cena dropkicks the ringsteps, throwing them into Khali’s knee. Both men are back in the ring. Cena goes top rope, leg drops the back of Khali’s neck, latches on the STFU but he refuses to tap out… until he does.

John Cena has defeated The Great Khali by submission to retain WWE Championship in 8:15.

2017 comments:

Guff.

2007 comments:

Guff.

Grade: C.

Not a good match, but we expect nothing better from Khali.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Khali should have broken the hold with his legs underneath the ropes, but the ref didn’t because Khali is so big that his legs are always beneath the ropes.

Replay of Cena getting his arse kicked. The Judgement Day graphic at the bottom left of the screen is too high off the bottom. Don’t know if it’s been like that all night or not. Cena shouts offscreen and the PPV is done.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Once again, no outstanding matches here. I’m going to give it to both CM Punk and Elijah Burke for their great match, clearly the best of the card.

Woman of the Matches: No one.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk and Elijah Burke.

Best Spot: No real spots here either but the reversalfest in the Punk/Burke match was nice.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley wins back his ECW World Championship… but is denied it and so Vince McMahon retains; The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; Montel Vontavious Porter wins the WWE United States Championship for the first time and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit, Dave Taylor, Shawn Michaels and William Regal.

Closing Statements: A real let down in the second half though there were two fantastic matches on the card.

On the Card will return on June 3 2017 with One Night Stand 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #17. Backlash (April 29, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Bad Benoit match followed by a bad ECW match. One is a surprise.

Cut to Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole. They shill the next PPV, Judgment Day.

Cut to a promo for the next match: Undertaker vs. Batista. Taker was the winner there, after a hard-fought match in which Batista almost looked like he could win. But Taker did, obviously. Batista wasn’t too happy about that and demanded his rematch. Teddy Long put it as a Last Man Standing match. This promo really makes both men look awesome… until Taker asks for Batista’s soul. Then it becomes silly. Tony Chimel reminds us of the rules to this match.

Batista’s music hits and the pop is… subdued. He hits his farty machine gun pyro anyways. He is wearing a bandage on his right leg – the victim of many a shillelagh attack by our boy Finlay over the last wee while. Cunt JBL says that the Last Man Standing match requires only a pair of fists and a bucket of guts to survive. I dispute that.

Undertaker’s theme hits and the smoke fills the arena. Taker arrives, holding the belt in his hand, letting it dangle by his side. What a guy. Cunt JBL is desperate to see these two lads beat each other up because he’s the worst.

Taker slowly removes his hat. Batista coughs.

Last Man Standing match for the World Heavyweight Championship: The Undertaker (c) vs. Batista.

Big boot to Batista to start off and Taker hits a number of elbows before throwing Batista into the corner and takes over. Undertaker is wearing a bandage on his right elbow. Both men are injured in this match. Chekov’s bandage. Taker starts to hit Old School and gets it fine, fine, just fine. Couple of headbutts from the Deadman and Batista hits a bodyslam but stumbles. Is it a botch or is it psychology? We may never know, though the announcers are very clear about it. Batista batters Taker’s head off things and gets thrown into the ring steps himself. Ref begins a count but only gets to four. Taker starts kicking on the injured leg of Batista and the announcers still sell their injuries. The pair share kicks. Batista is lying on the apron and Taker gives him a wee boot followed by a great big leg drop. Ref begins another count but Batista is up and throwing Taker into the steel ring steps before he gets to ten.

In the ring, Batista goes to the top rope but Taker delivers a punch to knock him down before he can jump. Taker goes up top and attempts the big ole superplex – and actually gets it! The ref starts his double count and gets to eight. Batista is wobbling. Great job all together. They trade some punches. Batista finally ducks a punch and gets a clothesline. This is a match where, due to the stipulation, the pair of them work at a slower pace. Every punch is heavy. Every knock down is concussive. Another clothesline, another count and Batista hits the bodyslam and leg drop. Maggle tells us that we can feel a shift in the arena… aye, a wee shift, yeah, the crowd are dead. Then Taker throws Batista out and takers the top of the Smackdown announcer’s table off. The crowd pops for that. Batista counters an Irish whip and Taker goes into the barricade. Batista lifts Taker up but the Deadman counters into some attempt of a backbreaker. Announcers sell it but it looks shite. Taker hits Batista with the steel ring steps and has a wee sit. Batista blades and is bust open.

Batista swipes away at Taker ineffectively and Batista is placed on the table. Taker steps on the barricade and hits a lovely leg drop on Batista, destroying the table. Great. Batista is bust wide open and a fan gives him a wee pat on the bum when he gets to his feet for the ten count. In the ring, Taker is running at Batista, hits Snake Eyes and gets a spear for his effort. That would normally be good for maybe a few seconds, but we are led to believe that it will knock him down for ten? Madness. A spinebuster, another count, two more spinebusters and another count. Taker gets to nine and Batista attempts the Batista Bomb but the Phenom escapes, hits the big chokeslam and a double count starts. Once again, both men are up at nine. Undertaker goes to give the ten punch and Batista lifts Undertaker up for a thunderous Batista Bomb. Taker can’t get to his feet… but does before ten. Batista goes out and gets a chair. He’s had enough of this shite. Big chair shot to Undertaker’s head and he attempts another bomb but Taker hits the back body drop on him. Batista is to his feet and gets a Tombstone. Undertaker is amazed that Batista gets to his feet. Both men brawl to the outside.

The two men fight their way up the ramp – a compulsory part of any Last Man Standing match. Taker is ready to throw Batista off the Titantron but Batista fights back. Attempt a Batista Bomb on the steel stage. Taker goes to the edge to check to that there’s a safe spot for Batista to fall upon and carries him over. Batista escapes, hits the spear and both men rock off the Titantron, releasing farty pyro and McMahon-Millions-style set being dropped on them. Ref hits the fastest ten count ever and ends the match.

Neither men answer the count of ten and so Undertaker retains World Heavyweight Championship in 20:23.

2017 comments:

Very long, but it needs to be for this style of match. Inconsistent booking and selling – punches got five counts and finishers got the same. Ending was cheap and guff.

2007 comments:

That last angle looked awesome, actually.

Grade: B.

Cole says: “There is no last man standing tonight,” as both men stand up pretty much instantly.

Cut to Jim Ross and Jerry selling the match. They set up the mmmmmmmain event between our boys Edgy, HBKy, Ceny and Ortony. There was a poll done and Cena won with 50% of the vote, followed by HBK at 34%, Orton at 10% and the Rated-R Superstar trailing with a measly 6%. That’s what happens when you fuck over Fat Matt Hardy, my boy.

Cut to a Green-Day-Longview-inspired promo for this Fatal 4-Way. It doesn’t seem to have the gravitas that it should have. Cut to recaps of matches over the last wee while. So these boys have fought each other a bit and Cena has usually won. This is a horrible promo.

Finally, Shawn enters to his Sexy Boy music! How long have we been waiting for this? Months! He gets a barely-there pop for it and sets off lovely big pyro behind him. JR has to recap the last match because the promo package did such a bad job of doing it!

Edge’s awesome music hits and the WWE Championship graphic hits for some unknown reason. Edge is springing about the ring.

Hey! It’s Randy Orrrrrrton! He hits the legend-killer pose and jogs to the ring like the jobber he is. All four of these men were tag-teams and fought at the last PPV. Why isn’t this a bigger thing?

The crowd pop for our man Cena as he rocks down to the ring, shouting and yelling. He slips into the ring and hits the ropes before throwing up his fists for the crowd.

Fatal 4-way match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton.

All four men stand in their corners and look at each other for a while. Everyone waits to make the first move. Shawn moves towards Cena and the two have a wee chat. Orton and Edge come over, both slap the other two and soon all four men are looking at each other. Shawn and Cena give tandem punches to the Rated-RKO team before Shawn gives some lovely chops to Cena’s chest, giving some fantastic “Woo”s from the crowd. Fisherman’s suplex and both men are down. Edge and Randy are in and toss Shawn and Cena out. Both men square off. King says, “behove.”

Lovely punches and a standing dropkick. Edge rolls out and Cena rolls him back in. Shawn drags out Randy and punches him before Cena knocks them both down and Edge knocks him down. Very nice. Edge tosses Randy into a very safe ring step spot before body slamming Cena, attempting to do the same to Michaels but it is reversed. Shawn goes top rope and moonsaults outside, hitting Edge and Randy pretty badly. Shawn rolls Edge into the ring and gives him some lovely chops. Double clothesline and both men are down.

Cena is top rope and hits a lovely leg drop that knocks down both men. Cena pins Michaels but gets nothing. Orton hits Cena with a lovely clothesline and tosses out Michaels and Edge. Both Orton and Cena go at one another and Orton hits a lovely backbreaker followed by a stompy womp and big jumping knee. The frosted-tip ref hits a thunderous pin-count but Cena kicks out. Randy is thrown into the corner but Cena misses his shoulder barge. Michaels rocks in and chops away on Orton, getting big “woo!”s, followed by a shoulder barge and kip up but Edge boots him in the face and goes for a pin attempt that Orton breaks up. Both men have a wee chat and join together to beat on Michaels. Rated-RKO hit the legend killer pose and Edge knocks Cena off the apron and into the ECW announcers, who have something exciting happen to them for a wee change.

Michaels hits his inside-out spot in the corner and the team give him a double back-body drop followed by double Boston crab. Michaels can’t seem to reach the ropes. The announcers wonder that if Shawn taps out, who would be the winner? Fatal four-way rules mean that the person hitting the submission would win. Ah well, it don’t matter none because Cena pops in and hits a double sunset-neckbreaker and cleans out. Spin-out powerbomb on Edge and a Five-Knuckle Shuffle on the Rated-R Superstar. Both Orton and Michaels pull Cena out and throw him into the ringpost. Then Orton is pushed in by Michaels.

Orton is thrown onto the announce table and as Michaels is ready to piledrive Orton, Edge hits him with a chair and bops Randy on the head with the chair. Edge goes mid-ring and attempts to hit Cena but Cena applies the STFU instead. Good man, Cena. Edge has lovely facials. Edge gets to the rope and Cena breaks the hold… but it’s no DQ, right? STFU to Orton and Michaels is in to break it up. Pin attempt and Cena gets the big chops. Michaels hits the shoulder-barge, kip-up, atomic drops to all three men. Orton and Edge are tossed out and Cena gets a bodyslam. Michaels goes to the top rope and hits the big elbow drop on Cena. He strikes up the band, tuning it up for Sweet Chin Music but Edge intervenes. Lovely body slam and another elbow drop on Edge and JR incorrectly calls it, “Air Canada,” despite the fact that Michaels is American. Edge is Canuck though.

Orton comes in and Michaels body slams him, attempts another elbow drop but Cena goes up to hit the Super FU but Rated-RKO lift Cena’s legs up and all four men hit the mat, hard. Lots of lying down. Cena attempts to FU Edge, but there are a number of counters before Michaels jumps on Edge as he is getting an FU, stopping Cena from hitting it. Orton comes in, RKOs Michaels – and shows off a horrible-looking bloody blotch on his inner thighs – and Edge hits a lovely DDT on Cena, getting only a two-count. Edge looks pretty intense and gets ready to spear Cena, who jumps over him, delivering Edge into an almost-RKO. A couple of false finishes and finally Michaels Sweet Chin Music’s Cena, who falls onto Orton and accidentally gets the pin.

John Cena has accidentally pinned Randy Orton and retains the WWE Championship in 19:21.

2017 comments:

Wow. What a fantastic match with great spots, pin attempts, close calls, lovely choreography and ruined by a horrible ending. I don’t think either Orton or Cena knew it was the finish.

2007 comments:

Whut.

Grade: B.

Cena’s music hits and although he was probably supposed to win, not one man looks like they knew it. JR says that Cena was in the right place at the right time and this is probably true. Shawn is pissed off at Cena and is roaring at him. Michaels takes a seat in the corner and leaves the ring, still ticked off. Both men make it look like they genuinely have heat.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Apparently, after the WrestleMania match last month, Shawn had genuine heat with Cena and was unhappy about how the match went due to Cena not selling his leg.

The PPV ends with a pop and fizzle.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No real matches were outstanding but I must say that the choreography in that final match was fantastic. So, I nominate John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge and Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: That was a fantastic match. I’m going to nominate Mickie James.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Mickie James!

Best Spot: Edge spearing Randy, getting FU’d by Cena who gets Sweet Chin Music’d by Shawn Michaels and accidentally gets the pin.

Hatches: We saw Shane McMahon for the first time since Unforgiven, but other than there, there are no other hatches.

Matches: The Hardy Boys retain their World Tag Team Championships; Melina retains her WWE Women’s Championship; [REDACTED] Benoit retains his WWE United States Championship; The Undertaker retains his World Heavyweight Championship; John Cena retains his WWE Championship; Vince McMahon wins the ECW Championship for his first reign.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the final time that we will see Mickie James and The Undertaker in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog. Mickie has an absence due to Melina transitioning into a feud with… Candice Michelle. The Undertaker would leave after the May 11 Smackdown to rehab injuries and would not return until Unforgiven in September.

Closing Statements: It was an okay card and there were flashes of brilliance throughout, but ultimately the endings of the matches were what let this PPV down, sadly.

On the Card will return on May 20 2017 with Judgment Day 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good opener and shit Khali match.

Cut to a promo for all the divas. It says that they are talented. Stop lying, girls, we have not a talented one of ye on the roster. C’mon now.

Backstage, we see Cryme Tyme with a newly-shaved Eugene. He looks great with the head shaved but he’s still making his faces. Are Cryme Tyme actually his friends or are they going to rob him? They say he still looks like a player and shout to get it popping as Extreme Expose appear and do a dance. Eugene looks uncomfortable and then goes bananas when Mae Young and Moolah turn up. He dances with them. People look disgusted. Then Slick appears! Yes, that old stereotype himself. He actually calls it “WrassleMania”. He dances. Everyone cheers.

FUCK IT DUSTY RHODES IS HERE. HE DANCES TOO.

Then Slaughter and Jimmy Hart and IRS and others appear.

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat stops the dancing to shout. But then they dance.

Ron Simmons appears and says his catchphrase.

In the arena, we have the Detroit Tigers, who are a sports team of some sort. No time to care, because it’s time for match number three! Montel Vontavious Porter appears with cheerleaders. It’s great because he’s a primadonna. He’s challenging [REDACTED] Benoit for the US Championship.

No time to watch MVP! Benoit himself comes out. No fucking time to pause. He doesn’t pose, he just walks on down to the ring with his big roid belly on him, sliding into the ring, holding his belt up and gets ready to straight up destroy this heelish prettyboy.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Montel Vontavious Porter via pin in 9:15.

The two circle each other for a bit before they lock up. MVP getting a headlock and Benoit reverses it into a head scissors, rolling through to an ankle lock and another headlock. MVP runs the ropes, attempts a German but MVP counters. Benoit is back in, face to face with MVP, attempts to lock in the crossface and MVP escapes. Benoit is bust around his mouth. MVP escapes another crossface attempt. An attempted lock-up and MVP tosses him into the corner, gets an elbow and Benoit lifts him onto the turnbuckle. Superplex attempt and Benoit gets his arm bust from a guillotine. MVP works the arm, goes for a pin and gets a two.

MVP works away on Benoit in the corner. Both announcers are really putting over both men. Cunt JBL says that Benoit belongs in the Hall of Fame. Yeah. Some chance. Benoit hits his Germans, goes top rope and MVP jumps up, hits a lovely superplex but Benoit curls to roll up MVP, almost getting the sneaky pin. MVP is furious. He’s up and battering on Benoit, tossing him into the corner and doing a wee roll-up. MVP hits the backdrop and MVP attempts two covers and goes for the armlock. Benoit fights to his feet, punching MVP, runs the ropes, gets a superkick to the face and kicks out of the pin. MVP is in control, goes for a bodyslam and Benoit goes for the crossface but has difficulty locking it in. MVP attempts some sort of armlock bodyslam but can’t get it and hits a normal bodyslam followed by an elbow drop with theatrics. Pin attempt and kickout.

The Crippler is picked up and Benoit dodges the big boot, hits double Germans. MVP reverses the third but Benoit escapes, runs the ropes and hits the triple Germans. He goes to the top rope, hits a lovely flying headbutt and gets the pin in 9:15.

2017 comments:

MVP once again shows that he can actually play with the big dogs when he wants to. Standard Benoit match, both men called it in, which amounts to an above average match rather than a very good one. Neither of these men have disappointed, but it seems like they could have done far better.

2007 comments:

I love Benoit. I hope he doesn’t embarrass wrestling forever.

Grade: B

Benoit retains and circles the ring.

Cut to a promo for the Undertaker, showing his past. He doesn’t have a child showing him all grown up because he’s the fucking Undertaker. His match is up next.

Cut to Mr. President himself, Cunt Trump, who is on the phone, giving off that Vince hasn’t even given him a sammich. Miss USA is there, acting her socks off. Behind him, the Boogeyman appears, spitting worms and shit. Cunt Trump asks for food from Boogey after he scares off Miss USA. Boogeman disappears and Little Boogeyman walks off.

Back in the arena, Maggle says, “Ould Trump can make a deal with anybody!” Especially the American public, apparently. You fools! You voted this man into office! You utter, utter fools!

Cut to the induction for the Hall of Fame 2007: The Wild Samoans, The Shiek – who is the spit of his nephew, Sabu – Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Fucking Perfect – with Curtis Axel off to the side there, who would be starting in World League Wrestling a few months later. Jerry “The King” Lawler goes in, too and so does our boy Dusty Rhodes. He dances on and slurs his way through his speech.

Back in the arena, Lillian bigs up the new record in Ford Field. Congratulations, America, you did it. You packed human beings into a place like sardines. Then Howard Finkel comes out. He absolutely smashes the introduction to the Hall of Fame 2007. Good ol’ JR, Mr. Perfect’s family, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, The Wild Samoans – Afa and Sika, the wife of the original Sheik and The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

There was a poll thinking that Batista will defeat Undertaker at WrestleMania. 82% go with ‘Taker. Coming up next, it’s Batista vs. Taker. Cut to a promo showing this heated rivalry, which basically amounts to Taker winning the Royal Rumble, choosing Batista as his opponent  and the two men hitting each other until Batista Pearl Harbours Taker at No Way Out in February. We see Batista ruin people left and right. We see Taker walk around and be scary. Fair play to the pair of you. The promo package is actually brilliant.

Teddy Long is in the ring and he’s announcing. Why, Teddy? Why?

Batista’s music hits and the champion comes out first. I hate this. There’s no need for it. Yes, we love Undertaker and his entrance is great, but Batista is the champion, by Christ. He runs from one end of the Titantron to the other like a big old jobber. He does his wee spin, forgets that he’s in the wrong place, moves forward to hit his gatling gun pyro. Silly Batista. He goes to his turnbuckles, poses and holds his belt up.

Big monks chanting and a line of them appear with fiery torches. What an entrance. They go everywhere, standing in lines of three on the Titantron, waiting for the smoke to fill. Lights go down and… Big pyro? That’s not Undertaker’s style. Weird. The bells toll anyways and the Deadman appears, backlit and looming. Batista is undeterred. Taker walks on, slowly, taking most of the rest of the PPV to get to the ring. No jokes aside, from Taker’s first appearance, backlit on the time he enters the ring is three minutes. Three minutes. A further one and a half minutes for his monks to get into position and one minute from him entering the ring until the bell goes. That’s a total of five and a half minutes for one man to get into the match.

Teddy introduces ‘Taker as “The Phenom of the WWE,” which lets on that there are other Phenoms. There are not unless we are talking about the AMD Phenom, of course. Maggle tells us that The Undertaker is all about mind games. He’s not really. He’s about kicking lads up the hole. Finally, Taker enters the ring, slowly removes his coat and hat, stands in his corner and waits for the bell to ring.

World Heavyweight Championship match: Undertaker def. Batista (c) via pin in 15:51.

Undertaker springs out of the corner, is caught by a spear from Batista, who drives him back into the corner and beats on him before Undertaker takes over, batters on Batista and is knocked outside, landing on his feet. Both men fight outside, taking only minutes to get out of the ring. Batista throws Taker into the steel steps and the Animal goes in the ring as Little Naitch begins a countout. Batista goes top rope and hits a shoulder barge. Maggle goes ballistic. Batista takes a big boot and springs off the ropes to hit back. Batista is hammering on Taker’s head and hits a lovely body slam, springing off the ropes. Taker catches the foot and fights back. Both men share strikes in the centre of the ring and Taker takes control, tossing Batista into the corner for a running hug followed by a second.

Taker hits Snake Eyes, big leg drop and fails to get the pin. He will though, spoiler alert. Taker picks Batista up, gets ready for Old School and the crowd love it as he hits it. He gestures for the chokeslam and the Animal escapes, pulling the hand off his throat, fighting back, Irish whipping Taker and the Deadman hits the flying clothesline. Pin attempt and Batista kicks out. Taker hits some punches and Batista falls outside. Taker rolls out, bounces Batista’s head off the steel steps, cracks the elbow into Batista’s jaw, goes to the apron and hits a lovely big leg drop. Batista falls to the ground and Undertaker rolls in to break up the pin. He bounces off the ropes and suicide dives out. Both men have a lovely lie down.

Both men are up and Batista is having his head bounced off the barricade, getting some punches and Taker rolls in to break the count, rolls out and gets an Irish whip into the timekeeper’s area. Batista shoves past a cameraman and rolls in and out to break the count. He throws the tops of the announcer’s tables away, putting Taker onto the table, punching at the Phenom and lifts him up, sets up the running powerslam and smashes the Deadman through the table. Fair play to you, boys. Undertaker is up and taking punches to the face, the yoke. Batista goes for the pin and fails. He punches Taker constantly to teach him a lesson for having the cheek to kick out. Batista looks angry, goes for the Batista Bomb but Undertaker fights back.

In the corner, Taker beats on Batista and gets a belly-to-belly in the middle of the ring. Cunt JBL says that the Undertaker smells like smoke because he’s been through fire. That’s Kane. Is that not Kane? Taker is in the corner and as Batista goes for the ten punch, Taker lifts him off, gives him the Last Ride and almost gets the pin. Batista hits the spinebuster, shakes the ropes, goes for the Batista Bomb but Taker is up. Seems like a botched moveset there and Taker gets the chokeslam, gets a pin and Batista kicks out. Undertaker signals for the tombstone, lifts the Animal up but he replies with a spear, goes for the Batista Bomb, hits it – almost misses it – and Undertaker kicks out. Good man yourself, Mr. Calloway. Batista goes for a second Batista Bomb but Taker reverses into a back body drop and goes for the Tombstone, hits it mid-ring, gets the pin, the win and the belt in 15:51.

2017 comments:

Very good match. Both men gave it their all. Not amazing and no great spots other than the table shot. Taker didn’t do his sit-up and there was only one big near-fall after the Batista Bomb, but good match.

2007 comments:

Undertaker will never, ever lose at WrestleMania.

Grade: A

Lovely wee end-of-first-half match as Undertaker wins again at WrestleMania, just as he did ten years previous versus Sycho Sid. He gets to one knee, hits the blue light and lifts the belt up. Taker does not need any championship belts. He is over enough without needing gold. Big pyro hits and Taker leaves the ring as we see the replays. Bone Street Krew tattoo on the Undertaker’s stomach. Good man, Taker. He pauses atop the Titantron, looks over his shoulder and as the smoke rises, he lifts his arm and big pyro.

On the Card will return on April 15 2017 with the third part of WrestleMania 23.

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 6

Previously on On the Card: Kennedy and Bobby have a shite match.

Then The Miz’s music hits and Mike Mizanin rolls out, swaggers right on over to a stage by the entrance, calls the audience misfits and says that tonight is the first ever Divas invitational. In the ring already is ECW’s Extreme Expose. Layla and… two other women shake their booty for a while. This is embarrassing. Christ of almighty. This shite would not stand these days because the fans pay for wrasslin’, not bad stripping. To be fair, now, one of the girls does a backflip in heels. It turns out that it’s Kelly Kelly and the other charisma vacuum is Brooke. The crowd is dead.

Miz introduces Jillian from SmackDown. She has lovely breasts. She gets the mix and says that it is her big break. She’s going to wow the crowd and Hollywood executives who have come just to see her. She has written her own song. Crowd boo. She warms up. She shouts to the back to bring up the treble and bass. It is terrific. Terrific in its terribleness. She sings very badly. Good job. Miz interrupts her and makes a William Hung reference. She shits all over Extreme Expose and says they’re not good enough to be her backup dancers. She then shits all over all the other divas. Brilliant heat. She calls them all talentless bitches. Then Maria, Ariel and Candice come out. They beat on Jillian and there is a cat fight. It is embarrassing. Big boos as the officials come out. Fair play to the girls that there are no wardrobe malfunctions.

Music hits and its Ashley Massaro, the Playboy cover girl. Big pyro and a twenty foot cover of Playboy falls from the ceiling. She removes her top and she has Playboy bunny pasties over her breasts. Just like Sable! It’s a reference to something ten years ago. Ashley gets called the winner and she walks off. The rest of the Divas are angry. This is the darkest point in Wrestling history… so far.

2017 comments:

It was not a match. I just want everyone to know how disgusted I was by this bollocks.

2007 comments:

I have the internet, you know.

Grade: I wish I could have those ten minutes back.

Promo for the main event and reminder of the Royal Rumble match with Taker vs. Shawn as the last two men. We see Taker win for the first time, almost twenty years after his introduction. He chooses to battle Batista at Wrasslemania. Shawn then comes down and challenges Cena for his WWE Title. Michaels, Edge and Randy Orton fight, Michaels wins and is ready to fight Cena for the championship. Vince then makes the tag team match that we see tonight. Promo of the four men hitting each other.

Shawn still has his DX music for some reason. Why isn’t he a sexy boy? He comes out, giving everyone an epileptic fit with his intro. He doesn’t do his Sexy Boy pyro either. Ahhh here, Shawn. He just does crotch chops. Shameful.

Big pop for Cena. He comes down with two belts – Tag Team and WWE Championships. The announcer hits the lovely, “Jeeeeeee-aaaaaahn Ceeeenaaaa!”

Batista! He has a lovely intro. He runs to one side, he runs to the other, he goes centre stage, he spins, he slaps the ground and hits his ra-ta-ta-ta-ta pyro. World Heavyweight Champion Batista. He stands mid-ring, checks on the other lads in the ring and then the bell goes.

Big blackout in the arena. Funeral march and the Dead Man from Death Valley comes down to the ring, taking his damn time as he usually does. He hits big pyro. It’s quite impressive. He walks to the ring post, raises his hands, lights pop up and he surveys the others in the ring, removes his coat, pops off his hat, rolls his eyes and goes to his corner with big Grandaddy Batista. He is the only man stalking the ring and slips through the ropes to get the bell rung.

John Cena and Shawn Michaels def. Batista and The Undertaker via pin in 22:09.

No titles on the line, which is bullshit. Imagine if Cena and Michaels put the titles on the line and there was tag team dissention (a favourite spot and gimmick) on both sides. If Taker and Batista won, then the next weeks leading up to Mania would involve them defending the belts and continuing to work as enemies and after Taker defeats Batista at Mania, they would still need to defend the titles as a pair. It would also make Cena and Michaels more bitter at each other because their dissention led to them losing belts. If Cena loses at Mania, then he has two reasons to go after Michaels. It makes all four men absolute monsters and it means everyone goes over! Just put the fucking titles on the line!

I digress. Cena and Batista to start.

Cena and Batista lock up, Cena is thrown into the ropes and bounces back. Batista fires into Cena in the corner. Cena gives Batista the big right hands and attempts to Irish Whip Batista but the Animal hold him back. Lovely suplex, pin attempt, out in two. Batista goes into the ringpost shoulder first. Michaels is tagged in and gives Batista mega slaps. He has a wee chat to Michaels and the two men do a lovely inside-out spot on the corner followed by two great clotheslines. As Undertaker is tagged in, Michaels is pulling on Batista’s pants to show the Animals balls. Lovely.

Taker beats on Michaels, goes for Old School, chases away Little Naitch and tosses Michaels about like a ragdoll. Shawn fights back and goes up for a ten punch but pushes Michaels away. He returns twice to attempt the ten punch and fails. Pin attempt at Batista rocks in, slapping Michaels on the back for a while. Batista and Michaels share slaps and shoulder tags. Batista gives Michaels a scoop slam, giant elbow, Cena comes in to boos and cheers. Taker is tagged in and the Phenom and Face that runs the Place are both on. Lovely shoulder tackle and Undertaker attempts Old School again but Cena fights back to huge boos. Cena goes for the superplex and is knocked back. Cena jumps back up and hits the lovely superplex onto the Phenom.

Both men have a lie down for some white. Taker sits right back up and knocks Cena down. Michaels comes in after Taker’s giant elbow and  hits Taker with the jumping elbow, kips up, goes to pick up Taker but the Phenom has him by the throat. Lovely Gorilla press from Taker and Shawn is thrown out where Batista throws him against the steel steps. Taker goes outside to pick up Shawn and rolls him back in. Cena breaks up the pin and is chastised by Naitch. Batista gives Michaels a lovely snapmare and boot to the face but there’s a kickout. Shawn is carried to the corner and punched by Batista before Taker tags himself in. Taker catches himself on the top rope and Shawn is down. As Taker picks him up, Shawn fights back. Cunt JBL keeps saying that this is the only time we’ll see this. Good. It’s not amazing. Lovely sidewalk slam from Taker and Batista is in. Great clothesline followed by a second and third. Bastista goes for a wee rest hold on Michaels and the two of them lie down for a while. Then they’re up and Michaels is fighting back, punching and hitting Batista for a great DDT. Cunt JBL is now having to commentate on his own and it is a sad state of affairs. Michaels hits the hot tag to Cena and he batters the shite out of Batista, goes top rope, hits a lovely leg drop and Taker jumps in. Cena hits the jumping shoulder barge, knocks Taker out and hits the sit-out powerbomb to great boos. Five knuckle shuffle and Batista is about to get an FU but Taker breaks it up.

Shawn and Taker scramble to the outside. Taker catches Shawn mid-air. In the ring, Batista hits a scoop-slam, is about to give Cena the Batista Bomb but Shawn saves him by battering Batista in the leg. Shawn is in, hammering on Batista and when the ref’s back is turned, so does Cena. Cunt JBL is talking away. He will not shut up! Cena goes for the pin, gets two. Cena hits a lovely clothesline, goes for the pin but Taker leans over and pokes him in the face. Shawn is in, Flair chopping Batista and hits the enzurgi but Batista kicks out! Both men have a wee sit down for a while. Front face lock and Batista is aiming for the hot tag to Taker. He lifts up Michaels, drags himself to the corner but Cena is tagged in and Batista is bust! When did he blade? Did he blade? Was it a legit hardway? It must have happened during the front facelock but camera angles sucked then, possibly on purpose!

Cena gets Batista in the front facelock and Batista goes to tag… but is trying to tag in Michaels! Shawn pops Batista and Cena hits the STFU. Batista is bleeding, tired, fighting back and Undertaker jumps in to break it up. Shame on you, Taker. Cena scoop-slams Batista, goes for the flying elbow, hits it, gives Taker the crotch-chops, goes for Sweet Chin Music but Batista dodges it, slideslams Shawn, tags in Taker and the Deadman cleans house. Taker hits Snake Eyes, the flying shoulder, hits Cena in one corner and Shawn in the other, goes to double chokeslam Cena and Michaels but throws Shawn to Batista, who hits the spinebuster.

Then Batista spinebusters Taker! Bah Gawd! This is why the tag belts weren’t on the line! Batista was going to Pearl Harbour Taker the whole time! Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music, Cena hits the FU and Undertaker is pinned for the win in 22:09.

2017 comments:

An okay match with crescendo booking and a swerve ending that made Cena and Shawn to look like losers despite winning. If they’d made it a title shot then Batista’s betrayal would have meant nothing, it would have been stupid. If, however, it would have been a title shot and Batista hit Taker with the cheap shot before attempting to pin Shawn (say after Taker cleared house and tagged Batista in) and Taker broke up the pin to batter Batista, the match would have been declared a no contest and… well, I still would have been annoyed, actually.

2007 comments:

Good thing no belts were on the line.

Grade: B.

Cena and Michaels leave without their belts. Batista takes his own belt, goes into the ring with Taker and Cena’s music finishes as Batista holds the belt in the air over Undertaker. His music hits and he leaves. Cunt JBL has to say goodbye to everyone. Undertaker hits up, alone and betrayed in the middle of the ring. He’s furious.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No one stood out in this PPV at all. I was going to give it to Jimmy Wang Yang because he was the best of a bad bunch. Why not.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than Queen Sharmell, Melina, Cherry and the horrendous Diva nonsense at the end.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Jimmy Wang Yang!

Best Spot: None. I can’t think of any.

Hatches: Cherry, Deuce, Domino, Hornswoggle (as a competitor), Little Boogeyman, Shannon Moore.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt by DQing himself; Chavo Guerrero wins the Cruiserweight title for the sixth time.

Dispatches: We won’t see Hornswoggle fighting again, nor will we see Joey Mercury, sadly. However, this is the last we will see of the The Boogeyman and thank Christ for that.

Closing Statements: A time wasting PPV that didn’t advance any plots and – other than the okay Cruiserweight match – was a waste of time with no memorable matches whatsoever.

On the Card will return on April 1 2017 with WrestleMania 23!

Ruthless Aggression #14. Royal Rumble (Jan 28, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good opener and crappy Test match.

Cut to backstage where John Cena is getting the once over from a tuxedo doctor. He winces in pain. Vince comes in to look at John and tries to get him to step down. Vince makes fun of John and says that they cannot see each other and Vince certainly can’t see John as WWE champion. Closeup on John looking concerned.

Cut to outside, showing the AT&T centre. Cunt JBL and Cole big up the Batista vs. Kennedy match. Cunt JBL says that Smackdown is headlining… which they are not.

Promo for this match where Kennedy took part in a Beat the Clock challenge and fucked it up for everyone else, including Taker, who lost by one second. Kennedy attacks Batista and as Taker attempts revenge, Kennedy ducks and the Phenom hits the Animal. Old Drax gets a boot in the face.

Kennedy comes out, ready to say his name because that’s a fun gimmick. Not live we’ve ever seen that shite before. Say what you want about him, though, he puts his hand right up to catch the mic. He doesn’t miss. He says his name on the turnbuckle. Good man yourself, Kennedy. Mind the last time you fought Batista though? He bust your head open pretty bad. Kennedy says his name twice. Cunt JBL says that Kennedy is like New York – you have to say it twice.

Batista’s music hits and the pop is enormous. Jesus, Mary and St. Joseph. He comes out, goes left, goes right, hops in a corner and hits the machine gun pyro. Sign Guy has a “Bombs Away” sign with Batista’s face all up on it. Crazy. Kenny can’t wait to get a hold of him, though. Calm down, brother. Wait until the match starts, Christ. Kennedy won’t take his eyes off the belt. He’s in lurve.

World Heavyweight Championship match: Batista (c) def Mr. Kennedy via pin in 10:29.

The two men circle the ring together and Batista actually hissy slaps Kennedy. He does. Batista throws Kennedy about for a bit and the two men go into the corner together. Kennedy goes for the knee, tries to take Batista down, fails and throws Kennedy into the corner. He pinches Kennedy’s face and then gets an elbow in the face for his efforts. Big boot and bad suplex where Kennedy falls on his arse. Pin attempt. Pin fail, brawl to outside. Both men bounce about, hitting the steel steps and Batista has a go at the back of Kennedy’s head and then the front of his head and then both men are back in the ring.

Batista gives Kennedy some chops and… he hurts his knee? Kennedy gives it a dropkick and gives Batista a big boot in the hole. Kennedy works the knee for a while and Kennedy goes for a pin, but a kickout before even one. Kennedy attempts… some weird figure four move… it looks odd, I tell you what. Batista is having a bad time and Kennedy uses the rope for leverage because he’s a heeling cunt. Batista is in the corner and Kennedy works his knee for a while. Kennedy has a bust nose and I can’t tell how he took the shot to do that. What happened, Kennedy? C’mon, brother, you’re always bleeding. See a doctor.

Kennedy gets the half-Boston crab and these two boys have spent half the match sitting and selling… badly. Batista is starting his slow, laborious crawl towards the ropes but Kennedy pulls him back. Batista knocks him off and tries for the roll-up, fails, attempts to lift Kennedy, fails, gets hit on the knee and gets a great-looking spinebuster in but then rolls about holding his knee, in great pain. Kennedy goes for the punches but Batista blocks him, hits the clothesline, a great back-body drop that seems like a botch, lifts Kennedy for the Samoan drop, chucks him, hits a rolling senton, goes for the Batista bomb but is thwarted and there’s a ref bump.

Kennedy hits the neckbreaker, goes for the pin, gets up, gets the referee up and goes for another pin but Batista kicks out. “What in the hell?” Cunt JBL asks. The crowd bay for Kennedy. Batista jumps up, hits Kennedy as he goes for an axe-handle-nothing. Batista hits the Batista Bomb, gets the pin in 10:29.

2017 comments:

Batista is really showing his lack of ability here. Lots of botches. Lots of problems on his end. Kennedy tried his hardest, but it wasn’t good enough to salvage this match. Kennedy is showing that he’s a bit like Alberto Del Rio – not amazing, but consistent and eager to please. If only Batista were there to help him.

2007 comments:

That boy Kennedy does nothing but bleed.

Grade: C

Batista celebrates. He (finally) sells his injuries. About time. Looks legit, actually.

Backstage, we have Kevin Thorn, an awkward Coach and Booby LaRue herself, Ariel. They go to take Mr. Thorn’s number from the Rumble Tumbler. Then Little Bastard comes in and causes trouble. He attacks Coach. It’s a terrible segment made worse by Khali entering and taking his number… but he takes three. Coach tells him he should only take one and so he drops them. Kelly picks them up, says that they’re the biggest balls she’s ever held and then Ron Simmons appears and says, “Damn.”

I’m not even making this up.

Saliva are in the crowd. Very exciting. Cut to Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler as they introduce the semi-main event of the Last Man Standing match betwixt Cena and Umaga.

Promo for the match, showing Cena getting his arse handed to him by the big Samoan. We see Cena beating Umaga at New Year’s Revolution only a few weeks previous. Coach introduces Estrada, who reveals that it’s a Last Man Standing match and tells us the rules – the only way to win is by beating someone so badly that they cannot stand after a count of ten. Cena signs the contract, attacks Umaga and the two scrap for a while. Umaga splashes Cena through a table. This will surely come into play this evening, I guarantee it.

Back in the arena, Lillian Garcia introduces the match. She is wearing… an odd top with flames. She looks like a hot rod. But not the Hot Rod of either Rowdy or Autobots fame.

Umaga comes out and JR wonders why Armanda Alejandro Estrada got to choose the stipulation for the match. Sign Guy has a “Last Man Eating” sign and Umaga almost actually bites him. Jerry says that Umaga’s music is like King Kong’s music. Hmmm.

Cena’s music hits and there is a thunderous applause from the crowd. He enters, looking concerned, steel-jawed and does not run but instead walks down to the ring. Umaga watches him, snarl upon his face. Jerry says that Cena looks worried and is clearly in pain. He lifts the belt, though. The ref does, too, but the spinny WWE logo is upside down. Cena has bandages on his belly.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) def Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via staying down for ten seconds in 23:09.

Down, let me rap with you real quick. I put the results and timings for the matches before the match begins for a good reason: wrestling isn’t really about the results, it is more about the journey to the results. It’s about the process, not necessarily the product. Yes, we all want our favourites to win, but we’ve all watched a match and thought, “The best man won,” even if the best man is someone you hate. Equally, we have all watched a match and thought, “That was a shit ending.” Wrestling is about a story and I know that as a reader of this blog, you are not concerned about spoilers; likely you have seen the PPV already and want to read some analysis on the matches. If I ruin results for you, whoops, but it is always interesting to walk into a match knowing the outcome and not watching it for the spectacle of the sport, but the thrill of the story and how the winner makes his journey through the match, following the highs and lows and emotions towards the eventual end.

That being said, with a twenty-three-minute match ahead of me, I am apprehensive especially knowing that we have SuperCena here vs. Once-was-tough-but-then-lost-lol-foreigner. I am a firm believer that any result, no matter how screwy, can be saved with good booking and talented wrestlers. I know that a Last Man Standing match must last some time otherwise it’s a squash. There are no roll-ups of DQs here, the only way to end is by the loser staying down for ten seconds. Although I know that these twenty-three minutes will justify the match ending… I do not think that it’s going to be a great match considering the competitors, their characters and the storyline thusfar. Cena is going to win and Umaga will lose his credibility. End of.

Both men square off mid-ring and Umage pushes Cena but he punches back. Lovely moving around, jawbreaker and Umaga punches Cena right in the gut. He falls out of the ring and the ref starts his count. There are no countouts, so why doesn’t Cena just walk off? Umaga throws Cena into the steel steps and Estrada speaks to Umaga, telling him what to be up to. The crowd cheer of Cena and the two men go for a walk up the aisle. Cena punches back, forgets to sell his ribs and Cena gives Umaga a toss into the apron. Umaga fights back and Cena jumps into the ring, hits him with a headbutt and kicks him in the tummy again. Poor Cena tummy.

Cena is on the ropes and Umaga punches him. Cena rolls as much as he can and gets a foot up in the corner but as he jumps out, Umaga knocks him right back down. Another ref count and he gets to seven before Cena is on his feet. Body slam from Umaga and he goes to get the steel steps. Estrada asks him to stop to see if Cena stirs. He does and the steps come in. As Umaga is getting to the apron, he hits the guillotine and chucks the steel steps out to hit Umaga in the beak. The crowd count along with referee Mike Chioda but the Samoan is up. Cena is on him quickly and has a head of steam but a spinning heel kick sends the champ to the ground. More tummy punches and a bear hug attempt that Cena blocks. No submissions here. Belly to belly finishes the hug. Umaga goes outside, gets the other part of the steps, gets them in and Cena is on his feet at eight. The crowd is chanting something unintelligible.

Umage sets the steps up in the corner and leans Cena up against them, punching him down. The crowd cheer. Umaga smiles. He builds up to the Ho Train, Cena moves, Umaga batters the steps. Cena picks the steps up and runs into Umaga with them in his hands. Ref and crowd count as one. Umaga gets to six and Cena goes top rope but Umaga predictably catches him and gives a lovely tiltawhirl sidewalk slam. Just great. Ref starts counting but Umaga almost helps him to his feet and then stomps him down, going for a big sit. He does it twice! Twice! On the third, Cena gets the knees up and becomes Supercena, hitting the facebuster to the steps and follows it up with a sit-out powerbomb on the steps. Ref counts both men and Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle but the ref had stopped the count. He goes for the FU but drops Umaga halfway through. They both hit the steps. Another count by the ref and it reaches eight as Cena blades himself. Umaga batters him as the crowd tell Cena he sucks. He does not suck. Man’s a hero.

Umaga shouts at Cena in Samoan and stands back to let Cena stand up. The ref gets to eight once again and a “Let’s go, Cena! Cena sucks!” chant rises. Umaga slaps and chops Cena and big John actually punches himself in the head to bleed more. He jumps off the ropes and Umaga hits a Samoan Drop, calls for the Samoan Spike but stops the thumb on the way down, getting a headbutt instead, yo. Umaga sets him up for the tree of woe that makes the bladejob bleed more. Cena sits up as Umaga does for the flying headbutt and hits a wonderful fucking leg drop that legit made me go, “Oooooooh!” as he fell. Some elevation on it, good man John. Cena tosses Umaga into the ring post, gets a monitor and tosses Estrada away.

Cena busts Umaga with the edge of the monitor and dents the fucker. Ref starts the count and Umaga is up by seven. Cena pushes Umaga outside, goes for an axe-handle nothing and Umaga catches him, hits him against the ring post and bends him over the table. Sexy. All three announce tables are stripped and Umaga gets on one, runs across, gives it the big splash but Cena dodges, destroying the table. Luckily, he misses the monitor. Ref starts the count but Umaga is up at nine. Wonderful. Estrada is by a turnbuckle, fucking with it and unscrewing it. Estrada tells Umaga to lift it and beat Cena with it as a super Samoan Spike. But Cena is up! He hits the FU! He beats Umaga with it! He wraps the ring rope around Umaga! He chokes him out, looks legit painful, though Umaga is still breathing. The crowd go silent. Umaga gets up almost instantly and Cena is right back to choking him again. The crowd die again, thinking that this is pretty bad taste. Cena is up and the crowd chant away. JR reminds us that they’re looking for ten numbers. The ref reaches it and Cena wins in 23:09.

2017 comments:

I stand by my words up there but by Christ I am happy that match lasted that long. Not a minute was wasted. What a fucking great match.

2007 comments:

Whelp there goes Umaga’s winning streak.

Grade: A

Supercena wins again! But it’s a justified win. We see replays of that horrible choke spot. Cena walks down the aisle, walks backstage, salutes, ends his match.

On the Card will return on February 11 2017 with the third and final part of Royal Rumble 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Two good matches and the Boogeyman.

Promo for the Last Ride match and we see Undertaker vs. Kennedy for the first blood match. Teddy Long introduces the Last Ride match at a Smackdown. The hearse is being driven in and it drives without anyone behind the wheel. Undertaker bursts out and just appears everywhere – in a match, behind Kennedy, in a hearse etc. Blood falls on Kennedy. The entire thing is so corny and supernatural. It’s great.

The monks chant and Cunt JBL keeps telling us that he was in the first Last Ride match. Absolute shitehawk. Announcer Tony Chimel reminds us of the rules.

Kennedy appears, stares out the hearse and enters the ring, pulling the mic down and dropping a phat beat. I’m joking, he paces about and cuts a shit promo about how he’s going to defeat the Undertaker for the third time, which would be true if you count a DQ win and MVP interfering as a win each. He then says his own name and the crowd goes mild.

The crowd chants, “Rest in peace!” as the bell tolls, signalling the Undertaker’s three-hour-long walk to the ring. Cole and Cunt JBL consider what Kennedy might be thinking as the Undertaker walks towards him. He’s probably shitting himself, to be fair. I would. Big Red is scary as fuck. Cunt JBL keeps reminding us he fought the Undertaker a few times. They tell us that it doesn’t get much better than this, which is watching two men get ready to fight. Kennedy moves into the ring hesitantly and the bell finally rings.

Last Ride match: The Undertaker def. Mr. Kennedy via Sunday drive in 19:08.

Taker moves to Kennedy like an MMA fighter, far faster than a Dead Man should move. Kennedy is caught in the corner and beats Kennedy down, knocking him out of the ring and throwing him into the steel steps before tossing him onto the Spanish Announcer’s table. Taker tosses Kennedy onto the apron – which we must remember, is the hardest part of the ring – and rolls him back between the ropes. Kenny is beat in the corner and Taker gives Kennedy a Flair chop. Taker goes to give Kennedy the jumping boot but Kennedy dodges out of the way, tossing Taker out. Kennedy launches himself off the apron but is caught in mid-air by Taker, who drives him into the ring post.

Taker carries Kennedy out of the ring to the hearse but Kennedy fights back, pushing Taker into the back of the car repeatedly, delivering strikes to the Phenom’s face, opening the back of the hearse and shoving Taker in. They both are half inside the hearse yet the door will not close. Taker bursts out, gives Kennedy a high knee and as he tries to crawl away, Taker drags him back over the barricade and into the steel steps. Lots of head shots so far, no one is bust. Taker gives Kennedy a lovely boot to the head followed by a leg drop off the apron onto Kennedy’s neck. Undertaker is taking over now, stalking Kennedy and causing pain the entire time.

Taker pops Kennedy up onto the top rope and sets up a superplex, which Kennedy lands on his arse. Taker sits up almost instantly. Kennedy is tossed over the top rope and as Taker is carrying him, Kennedy hits on the rear naked choke. Both men fall to the floor and have a little chat. After the shortest sleeper in the world, Undertaker is “out cold”. Kennedy drags him to the hearse, throws him in and closes the door! But the match isn’t over yet! Kennedy has to drive the hearse out of the arena. He opens the door and Undertaker is there, in the seat! He throws Kennedy into the ring post again and then into the timekeeper’s area. Taker removes the monitors from the announcer’s take but Kennedy fights back with a steel chair, delivering shots to Taker’s ribs.

In the ring, Kennedy hits Taker in the back, goes for a second, reconsiders and hits Taker in the skull twice. Taker just sits up. What a guy. Kennedy runs to the hearse, slips past and goes backstage. Kennedy tries to scale the castle set and Taker is after him. Taker punches Kennedy and Kennedy punches back. They are high up, legit maybe 20-30 feet. Undertaker calls for the chokeslam but is denied and Kennedy tosses him off onto a mattress below. Kennedy is watching, descends the ladder as Little Naitch tells Kennedy to give Taker a moment. Kennedy does not, and goes to open the hearse, returns for Taker and begins to drag Taker to the back of the vehicle.

Kennedy laboriously tosses Undertaker into the back of the hearse and gets into the driver’s seat. Crappy camera from inside the hearse shows Taker sitting up and dragging Kennedy into the back of the hearse. Both men fall out of the back of the hearse and Taker has his wind back, beating on Kennedy, picking up a chair and hitting Kennedy with it. He gets a steel pipe and misses Kennedy, putting it through the window of the hearse instead. Steel chair to Kennedy and he’s bust, having bladed at some point in the last minute. Taker tosses Kennedy up on top of the hearse and calls for the chokeslam, landing Kennedy on the roof of the hearse. Undertaker calls for the Tombstone and hits it.

Kennedy is thrown off the hearse and Taker opens the back of the vehicle, covered in glass. Taker throws Kennedy inside, starts it up, revs the engine and drives out, winning the match in 19:08.

2016 comments:

In terms of gimmick matches, it wasn’t bad. Undertaker must be the most gimmicked-up wrestler of all time but he’s not great at using the gimmick in the match. The hearse was only used for a handful of spots with the rest of it being ring-based.

2006 comments:

Apparently Cunt JBL was once in a match with the Undertaker.

Grade: B

Both announcers get the match we just watched over as if we weren’t already excited for it.

Backstage, Booker and Finlay have a wee chat. Finlay reassures Booker that they are a team. Booker suggests that the pair of them go out and not be pricks for a change. Queen Sharmell agrees. Finlay does a shite southern accent and then slags Sharmell.

In the arena, it’s Big Dick Johnson dressed as Santa Claus, throwing sweets to the kids. Little children in the audience look on expectantly, yet receive naught. Santa gets the mic and drops a promo about this Naughty and Nice Lingerie shite. Fantastic. Very family friendly. Fuck this.

Kristal comes out first, wearing a silken red gown.

Layla El comes out, wearing a silken pink down.

Jillian comes out, wearing a silken light pink gown.

Ashley comes out, wearing a silken black gown. Of course she is.

Santa tells us that the contest will work like this: each lady will come up, take off their robe and model their lingerie. Kristal is first and she walks for about ten seconds. Shit. Layla does the same but with high kicks this time. Same music, though. Her dance lasts forever. Jillian does it, having little to no charisma and removes her bra to show another bra below with peppermint candies. She touches her tits. Ashley goes up, does the same as everyone else. The announcers big up the fact that Ashley was on Playboy. She attempts to remove her skirt and that takes a bit more time than it should. Finally, Santa points at each Diva, looking for cheers. Kristal gets boos, Layla gets a big pop, Jillian gets boos and Ashley gets a rapturous pop. Santa reveals that everyone is the winner. Shit.

Santa tells us to hit the music and reveals that it’s Big Dick Johnson! He dances, everyone is disgusted and they take forever to leave the ring. It’s depressing.

Promo for the third main event, Batista and Cena against Booker and Finlay. We see the teams fight one another and the question of whether or not they can coexist is asked repeatedly. For the first time ever, two world champions are on the same team, though neither title is on the line.

Back in the arena, King Booker starts his slow crawl to the ring with his shite music and mental wife telling us to hail him. She is saying it a little faster than usual, however, and he seems to be walking at a snail’s pace as opposed to a glacier’s. Fair play to the pair of them. Sharmell shouts at members of the crowd. They give her the finger. A little respect for the woman. Booker is holding his hands at five to two.

Finlay comes down. Little pomp and circumstance with this boy. He has his shillelagh and that’s enough, I suppose. Booker and Finlay shake hands.

Big John Cena’s music hits and the time is up, the time is now, you can’t see him, but he’s there, in plain sight. Tony Chimel completely destroys the, “Jeeeeeeaaaaaaahn Cena!” roar. Cena doesn’t enter the ring.

Batista’s music hits and down he comes, all pumped up and full of cocaine and piss and vinegar and testosterone and steroids. He hits his gun pyro and the crowd is pumped for this. Finally the faces enter the ring and pose. Cena throws the hat hella far. It’s an impressive distance, I tell you what.

John Cena and Batista def. Finlay and King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pin in 11:29.

The bell goes but the boys just stand in the ring for a while, trying to remember how to start a main event that is a wet fart. Do we want to see these superstars? Yes, of course. Do we want to see a tag match? No.

Cena and Booker chat in the corner and a lovely hip toss is followed by another chat in the corner. Cena hits a lovely arm drag and tags in Batista to little applause. Finlay comes in and the two weakest competitors square off. Big headlock from Batista followed by shoulder barges forces Finlay up to Bret’s rope, where he is caught by Batista, dropped, slapped and put into a catapult and gets double knees in the back. Batista hits the Muscle Buster on Finlay, which is nice, but gets nothing in the pin.

Booker is tagged in and the pair circle each other. The crowd chant for Batista, and the announcers remind us that Booker and Batista have fought over the belt in the past. Very vague, lads. Cena is tagged in and the crowd boo for him until Booker gets the upper hand, hitting Cena with an awkward kick to the jaw. Cena hits a lovely bulldog followed by a spin-out powerbomb into Five Knuckle Shuffle. He lifts Booker for the FU, fails, gets a drop-toe hold into STFU. Christ, he is hitting all of his damn finishers. Sharmell slips Booker the sceptre and he uses it to hit Cena in the throat while the ref’s back is turned. Booker hits the superkick but fails to get the three.

Finlay is in now and holding John’s neck in a lovely hug. The crowd chant, “Let’s go Cena,” but there is no, “Cena sucks,” afterwards. How odd. Then in comes Little Bastard-slash-Hornswaggle, who goes to kick Cena, misses, kicks himself in the head, rolls out of the ring and Booker and Cena hug in response. A sign in the crowd tells us that Michael Cole Sucks. This sign is quickly removed and – I assume – taken by the ushers. Cena is searching for Batista, but cannot find him. He hits the hot tag and Batista is in, hitting the powerslam to Finlay, the spear to Booker, the spear to Finlay, runs out of steam and is caught by Finlay but ducks the superkick. He attempts the powerbomb, is stopped by Finlay and Cena comes in to take care of bidness.

Finlay cracks Batista on the back with a steel chair as Sharmell distracts the ref. Batista no-sells it, knocks Finlay out, hits the spinebuster, the Batista bomb and gets the pin in 11:29.

2016 comments:

Nothing match. No storyline, no tension, just faces being faces and heels being heels. I wouldn’t normally be annoyed except this is the main event. This is a Smackdown match.

2006 comments:

Who cares who won? Nothing was on the line.

Grade: C

Cena and Batista celebrate in what is a mid-card bout presented as a main event match to please the little boys and girls. This was a nothing match and a crappy end to the PPV as both faces hug each other and both heels shake their fists and grumble. Cunt JBL recounts the main bouts – Inferno, Last Ride, Diva’s Lingerie, Cena/Batista. One of those things is not like the other, boys.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I can’t give it to anyone other than Joey Mercury.

Woman of the Matches: Queen Sharmell. And she was only on screen for about ten seconds.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Joey Mercury.

Best Spot: Although botched, the leg-drop-to-ladder-shot that damn near killed Joey Mercury.

Hatches: Vladimir Kozlov and Scotty 2 Hotty, Dave Taylor, The Boogeyman, The Miz as an in-ring competitor, Jimmy Wang Yang.

Matches: Paul London and Brian Kendrick retain their WWE Tag Team Championship, [REDACTED] Benoit retains his WWE United States Championship, Gregory Helms retains his WWE Cruiserweight Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: A filler PPV that suffers from some of the same issues that ECW December to Dismember suffered from – bad booking, coming in shortly after another PPV and a nothing main event – or triple main event, if you believe that shite. We are truly within the darkest timeline.

On the Card will return on January 7 2017 with the Raw PPV New Year’s Revolution 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #8: No Mercy (October 8, 2006) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Good Booker/Batista match and the DX/McMahon match was acceptable…

Cut to the back and King Booker is harassing Regal for not doing his job. Regal, bleeding from his head, is apologetic. Finlay turns up, says he came for two things: to fight and to take Booker’s World Heavyweight Championship. Booker blames Regal and calls him pathetic, useless and that he makes him sick. Regal fights back with a great punch to Booker, knocking the king to the ground. Booker gets so angry that he reaches for his crowd to stamp to the ground but finds that it is not there.

Cut to the pre-main-event-promo. King Booker is king. Batista is a destructive monster. Lashley is an absolute machine. Finlay… is the weak link, but the obvious superheel. Teddy Long announces the Fatal-Four-Way and all the lads beat on each other to show that there are no allegiances.

Cut to the back and Bobby is taping his wrists when Drax the Destroyer comes in. Bobby reminds Batista that they are fighting in, like, a minute. Batista tells him there will be no mercy, which is the name of the PPV.

In the ring, the rules of the Fatal-Four-Way are announced and Finlay arrives to little applause. I just noticed that he is from Belfast, Ireland as opposed to Belfast, Northern Ireland, which pleases me greatly. Toicfaidh ár lá.

Bobby’s music hits and the monster walks to the ring with his crazy eyes and no emotion on his face. He looks amazing, like a handsome Ahmed Johnson.

Batista’s music hits and there’s a pop like no other. Down he comes, doing a wee dad jog and hopping about, machine gunning his pyro and… he shaved? He shaved between his Lashley promo and now. Priorities. He runs up the steps and eyes up his enemies.

Booker’s wonderfully repetitive royal music hits and out he comes with his mad, lovely, lovely wife. Cole tells us that Booker’s palace is crumbling, which is not true as he holds no land nor titles. Cole and JBL bicker on the mic about statistics. The ref holds the belt aloft and the bell is rung.

Fatal-Four-Way match for the World Heavyweight Championship: King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) def. Bobby Lashley, Batista and Finlay via pin in 16:52.

Finlay rolls out of the ring as soon as the bell goes and leaves Bobby and Batista to beat on Booker by the ‘buckle. Sharmell is not happy as the two friends double-team the King of the Ring. Finlay returns to batter Lashley and remove him from the situation. He turns on Batista and as Booker goes for the Irishman, there is a pause and a temporary allegiance as they attack Batista in the corner. Bobby returns and tosses Finlay out. JBL states that there will never be a pin-attempt over the two-count unless the men are isolated, which is, of course, totally true. Bobby hits a great body slam on Booker and Finlay pulls his king from the ring. Bobby chases after them and is beaten to the ground for his effort. The King and his Knight hammer mercilessly on Batista mid-ring.

Booker and Finlay continue to batter the fan favourite with some great chops and an Irish whip to the corner is followed by a betrayal by Finlay. JBL calls him a bastard. Finlay batters Booker for a while and Bobby tries to get involved but is hindered. A two-count is interrupted by Batista, who gets an arm-lock for his trouble. The veins on Batista’s arm. Batista lifts the arm-lock, hits a fireman’s suplex but Finlay holds the arm-lock on. Lashley gets involved and Finlay gets Lashley into a half-Boston-crab. Booker arrives, superkicks Finlay and attempts a pin but is broken by Batista.

It is the Animal’s turn to beat on the champ and beat he does, Irish whipping Booker into the ropes as he ducks a clothesline and retaliates with a jumping kick. Batista attempts again and this time hits the Bossman Slam on the champ. Bobby is up, though, throwing both Batista and Booker out of the ring. Finlay runs in with… the belt I think? Either way Bobby attacks him. Little Bastard sneaks in, low-blows Bobby and Finlay takes the time to batter Bobby with the shillelagh. A pin attempt, broken by Booker then another broken by Finlay.

The Irishman gets kicked in the corner and Batista is back in, taking turns to hit Booker and Finlay, finally getting Booker in a stalling jackhammer suplex but failing to get the pin. It is only Batista and Bobby in the ring. The two friends must face off. Great moment in the ring followed by a brutal spear but Bobby stays in the match. Three pin attempts, each one followed by a successful kickout by Lashley. Batista is trying everything and Bobby spinebusters Batista, busting him open. Lashley wastes no time in clotheslining the Animal, knocking him out of the ring and doing the same to Finlay. Booker hits the Book-End on Lashley but he kicks out. Bobby and Booker are mid-ring now, and a suplex is reversed into a small package.

Running the ropes and another two-count. Booker removes his hairband and is about to hit his scissor kick when Finlay arrives, breaks the count and Batista spinebusters everyone in the ring, channelling his inner Ultimate Warrior and hits Finlay with a Batista Bomb before Bobby spears him off his feet. Booker gets up, sees the carnage and pins Finlay for the win in 16:52.

2016 comments:

Great main event. Lots of good spots, bit of blood, very frantic action and little rest holds. Tiny storylines here and there, nothing amazing, but a thoroughly enjoyable main event. Well done, lads, you left everything in the ring. Screwy finish, mind.

2006 comments:

I have never been more impressed by these four mediocre wrestlers.

Grade: A

JBL and Cole argue as Booker leaves and the PPV ends with an, “All Hail King Booker!”

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I am loath to say this, but Mr. [REDACTED] himself, Chris Benoit.

Woman of the Matches: No women’s match this time around so, once again, the best woman in the PPV is the fantastic Queen Sharmell, who was far better than Ashley Massaro, Michelle McCool and Vickie Guerrero combined.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Chris Benoit!

Best Spot: Finishing spot with the triple spinebusters, Batista Bomb and spear. Very fast, very frantic, very fun.

Hatches: Jimmy Wang Yang, Sylvan, Montel Vontavious Porter, Marty Garner, KC James, Idol Stevens, Vito.

Matches: Both Paul London and Brian Kendrick retained their WWE Tag Team Championship belts and King Booker retained his World Heavyweight Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: Probably one of the better Smackdown PPVs that I have seen. Long may this level of wrestling reign.

On the Card will return on November 5 with the RAW PPV Cyber Sunday 2006.