Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 1

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #16 WrestleMania 23 – April 1, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on April 1, 2007, WrestleMania 23 aired. It was a WWE PPV, the first one since Royal Rumble back in January. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE WrestleMania 23

All Grown Up.

Ha ha! All grown up. Because, you see, it’s the old blood versus the new blood. Cena and Michaels. Batista and Undertaker.

If there is one thing I love about each year being a wrestling fan, it’s the Royal Rumble. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s WrestleMania. Yep, there, I said it. WrestleMania has so much hype surrounding it that it cannot help but disappoint. The best thing about Mania is normally the entrances and the crazy spots. The matches are sub-par, normally, and half of it is aimed at the people who don’t watch wrestling but want to see celebrities. I would hate, hate, hate to go to WrestleMania and be anywhere but the front row. I’ve seen pictures of the ring from the nose-bleed seats. It is no way to spend your money.

WrestleMania 23 was at a time when wrestling ratings were low but spending was high. Trying to recoup losses, WWE made ‘Mania as crazy as possible and called in some old friends and crazy matches to intrigue and entertain fans. Let’s see if it’s just a full undercard!

Old promo package showing the titles of the last twenty-two WrassleManias. We see Hogan, Andre, Warrior, Stone Cold, Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, Rock, Shane McMahon, Triple H, Eddit, Cena etc. There’s a big pop for the fact that WrassleMania is all grown up. Hey! That’s the tagline!

Here we are in Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan, the city that never stops stabbing, we join 80,103 people in attendance with 1,188,000 at home (higher than the 930,000 from the year before) as the Queen of Soul, Miss Aretha Franklin sings America The Beautiful with a whole fucking choir and a piano and shit. Lovely promo package showing some soldiers, bombers, mountains, a woman in a sea of soldiers, firemen, the statue of Liberty, Shawn Michaels, more soldiers on parade, John Cena, Maria, a bald eagle, Abraham Lincoln’s statue, more bombers and big pyro. USA! USA! USA!

Fucking jingoistic bollocks.

Cut to everyone in a corridor, being kids, saying one line each and looking into the camera. It’s actually a fucking brilliant promo package. It looks amazing. Except for the laughable bits with the women. You’re not champions, ladies.

Raw, Smackdown and ECW present WrestleMania 23! Big pyro hits and we are officially welcomed in by Jim JR Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler. The other announcers are Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole. ECW is here as well: Joey Styles and Tazz.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Ric Flair and Carlito teaming up to defeat Gregory Helms and Chavo Guerrero. It was a lumberjack match and an excuse for some lads to get a WresleMania payday without doing much. They included: Viscera, Shad Gaspard and JTG of Cryme Tyme, Chris Masters, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas of the world’s greatest tag team, Robbie and Rory McAllister of the Highlanders, Val Venis, Super Crazy, Johnny Nitro, Jim Duggan and Eugene, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Kenny Dykstra, Daivari, Shannon Moore, Sylvain Grenier, Deuce n’ Domino, Paul London and Brian Kendrick who should really have been on the fucking show, The Miz, Vito, Scotty 2 Hotty, William Regal, Dave Taylor, Jimmy Wang Yang, Jamie Noble, Sho Funaki, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, Little Guido, Cunt Bob Holly and Snitsky. Phew!)

The opening contest, as Lillian and her plunging neckline tell us, is for a contract to allow the winner to have a championship match at any time.

First down is Jeff Hardy, first appearance in five years. He hardly gets halfway down the ramp before Booker T comes down with his King gimmick and his mental wife Sharmell. What a guy. Thankfully, she does not hail him.

Fucking Finlay is next, shaming all Irish people with his bollocks.

CM Punk comes down with his electric guitar entrance. No Cult of Personality to be heard.

Kennedy! Fuck right off. The camera can’t have him at all. His mic actually falls from the roof. That’s quite cool, actually.

Ooooooh yeaaaah! It’s fat Matt Hardy. Jeff! Matt! Hardys! Hardyz! Team Extreme! Same match!

What? Randy Orton! Hey! There’s nothing in my way! Nothing gonna change what you done to me! Brilliant. It’s a great matchup already.

The other member of Rated-RKO turns up. Big Edgey. Down he comes, face on him. He’s desperate to kick the shite out of everyone tonight. The announcers put over tag team dissension.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Mr Kennedy def. CM Punk, Randy Orton, Finlay, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) via ascension to the heavens in 19:10.

Referees on the outside. All the men stare at the ceiling and then leave the ring. Kennedy and Randy pair off. Finlay takes his damn time, goes top rope and has a bowling ball spot, knocking everyone off. Edge gets a ladder, sets it up mid-ring and Matt pulls him down from it. Randy and Finlay take their place, punching atop the ladder until it falls over. Jeff goes up, damn near gets the briefcase until Kennedy takes him down. Outside, Booker goes for a ladder and finds a tiny stepladder. It is used by CM Punk as a weapon until Edge tosses it at his face and busts him wide open. Blood already.

The ladder is set up against the barricade like a bridge and CM Punk reverses a suplex to avoid being put through it. Booker cleans house in the ring and does a spinneroony before the Hardys knock him down. Matt hits a Side Effect on Edge and set up the ladder in a repeat of the Joey Mercury spot that opened it up but escapes and suplexes Matt onto it instead.

It’s Kennedy’s turn to be in the ring and sets Matt up for the Kenton bomb, bopping the back of his head off the edge of the ladder. Jeff hits the Swanton and both Hardys use the ladder to clear house. They both climb the ladder and fight each other on top. Finlay tosses the ladder over and batters everyone, clearing the house and lifting up the ladder before Edge spear him followed by Randy, Booker, Finlay, Matt, Jeff and attempts to spear CM Punk but he leapfrogs. Then we have a Three Stooges spot with CM Punk putting the ladder on his head and knocking the shit out of everyone.

Edge is alone and getting big boos when he leaves to get the biggest ladder. The announcers make penis jokes.

Edge lifts up the ladder and sets it near the briefcase. Randy is up and pushes the ladder – and Edge! – over, out onto the concrete. Jeff knocks Randy down, sets the ladder up and moves the ladder about. Matt sets up Edge on the ladder-bridge and Jeff decides not to climb the ladder to get the briefcase (it’s miles away anyways) and hits a dumb leg drop onto Edge. Lots of time spent focussing on these two men. Edge looks legit hurt and Matt looks worried.

Randy RKOs Matt then Finlay and Kennedy. He sets up a ladder – very small ladder – and slowly ascends it. CM Punk is up, hits Orton and sets the two ladders next to each other. Both men climb the ladders and the video cuts to Edge being “eliminated” by being sent out on a stretcher. Randy and Punk have a lovely RKO off the top rope but Randy is up to beat on Booker and sets up another RKO but booker reverses into a Book End and goes back up the ladder. Matt Hardy enters and so does Sharmell. He threatens to give the Twist of Fate to Booker’s wife if he doesn’t descend the ladder. Booker, to his credit, does, and gets a Twist of Fate for his effort. Finlay comes in, lifts the ladder, sending Matt flying. Finlay is bust open. He gives Matt the Celtic Cross on the ladder and sells it like it hurt him. It did not.

Finlay is bust badly, having difficulty getting up. And then Hornswoggle comes in. Oh God. He goes up the ladder himself to help Finlay. He’s nearly there and Kennedy is in, up the ladder and shouting at Hornswoggle. Little Bastard slaps Kennedy and gives him a lovely rolling senton from the ladder. Finlay throws the ladder straight at Kennedy’s face. Finlay is climbing, inches away when Punk dropkicks the ladder and sends him off. Punk sets up the ladder, he could win this, there are no others in the ring… until Kennedy comes in and the pair exchange blows. Punk kicks Kennedy and the blonde bastard picks up a ladder, throws it, repositions the ladder mid-ring and gets the briefcase to win the Money in the Bank in 19:10.

2017 comments:

Good opener. High-octane, lovely spots, setting the scene and getting a little blood in already. Only downside is that not everyone in the match was equally used, especially Finlay (apart from the end), Punk (who seemed to just fill in when no one was available), Edge (in, out, shake it all about) and Jeff Hardy (who did one spot and left).

2007 comments:

Fucking Kennedy. Why did it have to be Kennedy?

Grade: B

Kennedy runs out of the ring and up the aisle, away from the ring, happy to be shot of the place. Some great replays of the last few minutes. Hornswoggle took a great hot on the ribs, boy.

Cut to the theatrical release of The Condemned with Stone Cold Steve Austin. The release was basically like a wrasslin’ match. Lots of cheering and that.

Backstage, Todd Grisham is speaking to Mr. Kennedy, who is inspecting his briefcase as if to ask, “How does this open?” and, “Where are the sweets? I was promised that sweets would be inside.”

Oh, Kennedy,

He interrupts Todd, congratulates himself and sends a message to the lads in the back with gold because Kennedy has a contract to kill any of them… with a referee and ring permitting, of course. He is, after all, Mr. Money in the Bank… Bank.

Cut to Baby Batista promo where our boy Dave talks about his childhood. Is it legit? Is it kayfabe? We may never know. He says he has a focus – wrasslin’ – and it’s his passion. That and going to space.

It’s time for the piss break match as Khali enters to a silence. Fuck off. You’re no good and you’re pushed to be better than Taker. Nonsense. He’s fighting Kane and not even Jobber to the Stars can help this nonsense.

Big pyro and down he comes, walking with a purpose and big chubby belly on him. He gets into the ring, smiles creepily and the bell rings.

The Great Khali def. Kane via pin in 5:31.

Khali pushes Kane to the ground and the Big Red Machine sells it like a shotgun blast. Kane boots him in the nuts, runs the ropes and Khali says no. Chop attempts from the Punjabi Playboy and Kane goes flying. Kane gives Khali a wee guillotine, gets a clothesline for his efforts. JR and King are trying to put over this match and failing. Khali hits the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and Kane fights to his feet. The crowd are dead. No interaction with them. Khali has Kane in the corner and chokes him for a bit. Kane fights back, gives Khali big right hands and is tossed back. Kane goes top rope, attempts a clothesline and a boot. Khali gets stuck in the ropes, tied up like Andre. Kane goes under the ring, gets a hook and chain – like the ones used in See No Evil! – and it hooks onto the ropes. Khali rips off the turnbuckle pad and Kane uses the chain to hit the low blow. Big body slam from Kane and there’s a huge pop! WrestleMania 3 callback! Andre! Hogan! Kane! Khali! Kane and Khali shake chokes for a bit until Khali chokeslams Kane, puts a foot on his chest and gets the pin in 5:31.

2017 comments:

I love Kane and this was guff. Other than the body slam and the pop, this was a waste of time.

2007 comments:

Oh Kane, how far have you fallen?

Grade: F

Khali chokes Kane, gets some extra heat and leaves.

On the Card will return on April 8 2017 with the second part of WrestleMania 23.

Ruthless Aggression #14. Royal Rumble (Jan 28, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Brilliant Cena match. Fair play to the pair of them.

Backstage, Sandman interrupts Coach and the rest of them. Takes a number, takes a drink, busts himself open with his cane and leaves. Ric Flair comes in and Kelly Kelly mutters a line. The lights dim and Layla comes in and dances. Shite, shite, shite.

Back in the Arena we have Jerry, Cunt and Moustache and they are  – regrettably – announcing the Rumble.

Promo showing the last twenty years of the Royal Rumble, from Hogan and Warrior to Kane dominating, to Trips and Shawn winning, to The Rock’s fantastic win in 2000 and Stone Cold clearing house in 1997. We see Vince win, [REDACTED] Benoit win, Mysterio win. Apparently it’s a star-studded Rumble. I’ll be the judge of that. Shawn Michaels is in it. Edge is in it. Kenny is in it. Benoit, Khali, Kane, Booker, Taker, all participants.

Lillian Garcia looks like a car. She reminds us of the rules, but, c’mon, we know the rules, girl.

A question I have is… does the winner fight Cena or the champ in their own brand? That’s not explained.

Ric Flair’s music hits and out he comes, fresh from his dance twenty seconds ago. He was number 3 in 1992. He almost lasted an hour back then. Doubt he’s going to last that long.

Then Finlay’s music hits and the crowd go mild. Little Naitch tells him that he can’t have the shillelagh. The pair of them square off and the Rumble begins.

The 2007 Royal Rumble.

A First Challenger Appears: Ric Flair.

A Second Challenger Appears: Fit Finlay.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Finlay tosses Flair to the ground and they get into the corner together. Finlay slaps Flair and the Nature Boy returns it, getting big “Woo!”s from the crowd. Flair gets a back body drop and Finlay lifts Flair up, tries to toss him out and gets a rake in the eye.

A Third Challenger Appears: Kenny Dykstra.

Twenty years old, it’s our boy Spirit Squad Kenny. Flair goes straight for him. Lots of slaps which Finlay stops. Kenny boots Flair and Finlay tries to get Kenny out. Kenny gets back in and there are more slaps and punches in the corner.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Matt Hardy.

He’s in twice tonight! Fat Matt Hardy, holding the old jaw and going straight for Kenny, hitting the Side Effect and almost kicking Kenny out. Flair and Finlay in one corner and no eliminations yet. The competitors have paired off but once again, Kenny holds Flair and the partners swap as Finlay and Matt tussle. Lots more chops from Flair.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Edge.

Here we go, a talented wrassler. Out he comes, sprinting to the ring, spearing Flair, spearing Finlay, goes for Matt who skips out of the way and hits the Twist of Fate. Flair is outside, he’s under the ring, he’s got a steel chair – legal but only as long as he introduces it during the match as opposed to before it. Edge grabs Flair and the crowd boo as he gets tossed out.

Ric Flair has been eliminated by Edge in 5:40.

Kenny and Edge high five and as Dykstra does the Flair dance, Edge tosses him out.

Kenny Dykstra has been eliminated by Edge in 4:05.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Tommy Dreamer.

No time to mourn the Spirit Squad boy. It’s time for Tommy. He runs in, the crowd chant “ECW!” and he gets Edge in the tree of woe, baseball slides him and is knocked down by Finlay. Four men in the ring now. Both Tommy and Edge are about to be thrown out but no dice. We’re going to see lots of that shite.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Sabu.

Oh fuck. Here’s Botchy McCan’tmanoeuver. He runs to the ring, grabs a table from below first, sets it up outside the ring, goes straight for Tommy. Sabu hits the springboard crossbody and does it again but Dreamer hits the weak punch and gets him mid-air. More “holding on the ring rope” spots.

An Eighty Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

He comes in, goes for Matt and Finlay is almost thrown out. Six men in, all in pairs, nothing exciting happening and none of them are winners, really. Sabu is getting chants and goes for Helms, ready to toss him out.

A Ninth Challenger Appears: Shelton Benjamin.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team member 1 is in. He tries to toss out Tommy and fails. He tries to toss out Matt and fails. People waste time here as Finlay tries to toss Shelton out. Both men hold on. Matt tries to help and fails. We have Sabu/Tommy and Greg/Edge. Matt is trying to suplex Shelton out.

A Tenth Challenger Appears: Kane.

Big pop for the pyro from Kane. He holds the record for knocking the most people out at 11 until Roman Reigns beat him. But fuck Reigns. Kane hits the tiltawhirl Bossman slam, chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy out.

Tommy Dreamer has been eliminated by Kane in 6:41.

Tommy has the record for lasting the longest before being eliminated, but obviously that must be beaten tonight. Sabu has Kane on the ropes. He tries to clothesline him out, lands on the apron and Kane chokeslams him out, through the table.

Sabu has been eliminated by Kane in 5:28.

The announcers say that Kane is the favourite now.

An Eleventh Challenger Appears: CM Punk.

Out he comes! The up and comer! He goes straight for Edge and Cunt JBL calls him boring because he’s straight edge. Finlay almost tosses him out, but fails. CM Punk gives Edge a wee knee to the face. Finlay has been in for over fifteen minutes, which is fourteen minutes too long, being honest with you. Final lifts Punk over but fails.

A Twelfth Challenger Appears: King Booker.

Sharmell is with him! Yo! He takes his time to come in, starts on Helms and beats him like a government mule, tossing him out.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by King Booker in 6:50.

Well done, Hurrcicane, you beat Tommy by nine seconds. Seven men in the ring and all of them wasting time. Cole tells us of all the brands but fuck the brands.

A Thirteeth Challenger Appears: Super Crazy

It’s Super Crazy! He’s going in and goes after the tough guys and gets beaten down almost instantly. More wasting time here with everyone holding onto ropes. Finlay almost goes out and Shelton Benjamin is in trouble but survives.

A Fourteenth Challenger Appears: Jeff Hardy.

Both Hardys! They double team Finlay, they double team Edge! They double team Super Crazy! They botch that, though. They double Team Kane, but he gets them in the old double chokeslam and they hit back with Poetry in Motion.

A Fifteenth Challenger Appears: Sandman.

Here he is, coming down the crowd, spraying beer over someone who works there, like a goose. He comes in, Singapore cane in hang and busts both Hardys and Crazy before Booker tosses him out.

Sandman has been eliminated by Booker T in 13 seconds.

Good. Get rid of you and that shite theme music. Use Metallica. Fuck sake.

The crowd boo, though. They obviously like the talentless fuck. Finlay almost tosses out Jeff but he skins the can and jumps back in. Punk attempts it but fails.

A Sixteenth Challenger Appears: Randy Orton.

Both Hardys are in, both Rated-RKO are in. Both King Booker and Sir Finlay are in. Rated-RKO toss out Super Crazy.

Super Crazy has been eliminated by Rated-RKO in 4:32.

Randy hits Matt with a backbreaker. The Tag Team Champs try to toss him off but Jeff goes before Matt.

Jeff Hardy has been eliminated by Edge in 3:39.

Matt Hardy has been eliminated by Randy Orton in 18:55.

I’ll bet Matt said he didn’t want to be eliminated by Edge. Rated-RKO go for the others and more wasting time. No spots other than Sabu’s shite table spot. Finlay and Booker try to toss out Kane.

A Seventeenth Challenger Appears: [REDACTED] Benoit.

The man that time forgot pops in, chopping Rated-RKO, goes for Booker, goes for Finlay, German suplexes him to the mat. Booker goes for the kick, gets a suplex. Shelton tries to grab Benoit, gets a suplex. What a guy. Cunt JBL calls him a cardio machine.

An Eighteenth Challenger Appears: RVD.

The whole fucking show! Rob Van Dam comes in, knocks down Benoit, knocks down Edge, knocks down Shelton. Booker throws him into the corner and Kane throws Booker out.

King Booker T has been eliminated by Kane in 9:22.

Booker cannot believe it! He is upset and so is Cunt JBL. Booker comes back in, beats on Kane, hits the Scissors Kick, tosses Kane out.

Kane has been eliminated by Booker T in 13:21.

Is this legal? In 1997, I asked the same thing when Ahmed Johnson returned to the ring to hit Faarooq with the biggest 2×4 I had ever seen. This should not be legal and there should be rules against it, at least having Kane go back into the ring or restart the match. Alas, Booker and Kane start a feud outside.

A Nineteenth Challenger Appears: Viscera.

Big Daddy V walks down and the camera focuses on Kane. The announcers argue about whether or not Booker’s attack is legal or not. Cole tells us that it took seven men to eliminate Viscera (then called Mabel) in 1992. The announcers make fat jokes.

A Twentieth Challenger Appears: Johnny Nitro.

Nice.

Nitro goes for RVD and does not get him out. Viscera squashes Punk in the corner. There are nine people in the ring and we have ten people left. Shelton Benjamin holds on, his feet hovering off the ground.

A Twenty-First Challenger Appears: Kevin Thorn.

Ariel is not with him. Disregard. Discount Gangrel beats on people and we see Shelton holding on tight to the bottom rope. Big Daddy V has RVD over the top rope but none can help. Viscera is on the ropes and RVD gets a great clothesline to knock him to the ground. The eleventh person in the ring is about to arrive.

A Twenty-Second Challenger Appears: Hardcore Holly.

He can fuck off. Old Sparky Plugg.

Christ, there are a lot of men in this fucking ring. Bob Holly legit punches Viscera, the prick. Cole tells us that the ring is filling up. Good man. Six men are on Viscera. Come on, boys, you need at least one more there.

A Twenty-Third Challenger Appears: Shawn Michael.

He enters to his fucking DX music. C’mon, Shawn. You can do better than that. The ring clears as Shawn goes on Finlay and knocks him out with a clothesline.

Finlay has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 32:33.

That is too long for Finlay to be anywhere. Viscera knocks everyone back, Shawn superkicks him and the lads go for the World’s Biggest Love Machine once again, getting him over the top rope. Eight men, apparently.

Viscera has been eliminated by Rob Van Dam, Edge, CM Punk, Chris Benoit, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Hardcore Holly and Kevin Thorn in 6:22.

Then Shawn tosses out Shelton Benjamin.

Shelton Benjamin has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 22:22.

He beats Viscera by sixteen minutes. Yeo.

Shawn beats on Bob Holly and then Holly beats on Michaels.

A Twenty-Fourth Challenger Appears: Chris Masters.

Roidy Magoo rolls in and the ring is full again with ten men all up in it. Nitro goes top rope and Benoit knocks him down.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:18.

Fair play to Johnny, actually. He lasted ages for a man who had a huge match earlier in the night. Edge is the longest-serving man in this Rumble.

A Twenty-Fifth Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

He runs in and does a lovely roll, goes for Masters and Kevin Thorn is tossed out.

Kevin Thorn has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:55.

Who is left to come out? Who really cares?

Michaels beats on Randy. Punk and RVD hug each other. Masters beats on Chavo. Edge hangs out on the floor. The crowd are quite dead. Ohhhhh, the timer comes back up!

A Twenty-Sixth Challenger Appears: MVP.

Montel Vontavious Porter! It’s himself! He slides in, burns and all, goes for Benoit. Ten men are in the ring again. Masters falls out. Derp.

Chris Masters has been eliminated by RVD  in 3:32.

RVD is very pleased with himself. Punk is almost out on one corner, Holly almost out on t’other. Punk is holding on but the timer is coming up!

A Twenty-Seventh Challenger Appears: Carlito.

Ohhhhh, the boy himself is in. Brilliant. I love Carlito. Tenner says he lasts two minutes. The ring is very full, eleven men in the ring and only three men left. Shawn Michaels almost goes over the top rope. He’s holding, he’s teetering, he’s tottering, but he stays in. Fair play. Rated-RKO attack Carlito and the timer comes up again.

A Twenty-Eighth Challenger Appears: The Great Khali.

The crowd groan. Who cares about this shitehawk? No one. The crowd die and the wrasslers stop, watch. Edge and RVD get tossed. Orton goes, Benoit goes, MVP goes, Shawn goes, RVD again, Chavo. The crowd boo. Everyone is on the floor. They’re all getting chops and they’re all sitting down.

Just before the timer hits zero, Bob Holly is tossed out by Khali. Good. Shove it up ye.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 10:21.

Ten boys still in and we reach our penultimate challenger!

A Twenty-Ninth Challenger Appears: The Miz.

Wow. He can go fuck himself. Khali tosses him right out.

The Miz has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 7 seconds.

Good.

Khali then throws out RVD.

RVD has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 16:28.

Then he throws out Punk!

CM Punk has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 27:16.

Then he almost throws out Carlito. Then he does toss out Carlito.

Carlito has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 3:19.

Then he throws out Chavo!

Chavo has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 6:24.

Jerry says, “Somebody dropped the ugly bomb on him.” Bit harsh, the lad has a disease. Either way, he also has been given a push and one that he, like many before him, simply does not deserve.

At some point during this, Benoit gets eliminated too.

[REDACTED] Benoit has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 17:52.

Shawn is up and chops Khali. Khali grabs Michaels and the crowd boo. He takes a chokebomb as number 30 comes in. Cole has a lovely soundbite, “Who can beat Khali?”

The Thirtieth and Final Challenger Appears: The Undertaker.

Just like ten years before, Taker is number thirty! Khali looks worried. The pair batter in the middle of the ring and Taker fights back, finally tossing the cunt out.

The Great Khali has been eliminated by the Undertaker in 3:45

Undertaker raises hell in the middle of the ring. No one else will join these five men. We have MVP, Orton, Edge, Michaels, Taker. He knocks everyone down, hits Old School on MVP. Balls on him. Undertaker tosses MVP out.

MVP has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 7:32.

Taker hits Edge with the jumping clothesline. MVP takes a chair into the ring and Taker almost throws Edge out as Randy Orton busts Taker in the head with the chair. Taker is up, though and Edge is calling for Orton to turn around. Randy sees it, though and the pair shout at each other mid-ring. Randy hits the RKO on Shawn and he rolls out. Rated-RKO chat and they both turn on Taker. Taker is bust open and the two men beat on the Phenom without mercy. Taker fights back and rains fists on the Tag Team Champs, running into the corners. Taker is about to hit the double chokeslam but they fight out, give him the Irish whip and he hits the double clothesline, hits Snake Eyes and Big Boot on Edge. He goes for the Chokeslam on Orton but Edge Spears him before he can do it. Edge has the chair in his hand, cracks Taker on the head for the second time.

Edge rolls out, gets another chair and they get ready for the Conchairto, which is a stupid name. Shawn’s up, though! And he tosses Orton out!

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 27:15.

Then he tosses Edge out!

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 44:02.

Both men are lying on the ground. The crowd is going wild. Taker sits up first. Shawn kip-ups. They both get ready, put their dukes up and Shawn has Taker in the corner, going for the ten-punch but Taker pushes him off twice and chokeslams him into the corner. Taker punches Shawn and he damn near flies out of the ring.

Shawn gets back in and there are chops from Shawn. Taker reverses an Irish whip and Shawn is damn near turned inside out. Taker goes for the big boot but Taker falls onto the apron. Shawn attempts to knock him off but fails. Taker goes to back body drop Shawn but gets a swinging neckbreaker instead. Big punches. “HBK!” chants rise. Taker gives Michaels the Big Boot. The San Antonian crowd is silent. Taker lifts up Shawn, tries to toss him off but Shawn holds on, throws him into the turnbuckle. Shawn goes up top and is almost thrown off. Undertaker goes for the superplex. They headbutt each other. Taker goes to toss Michaels onto the mat but Michaels fights back. Taker is in the ring. Shawn is on the turnbuckle. He hits the elbow, jumps up and leans against the corner. He starts to tune up the band. The crowd are baying for Sweet Chin Music and count with the stomps. Taker catches the boot! Taker hits a thunderous chokeslam. He runs his thumb over his throat and lifts up Shawn, is about to hit the Tombstone but Shawn escapes and hits Sweet Chin Music!

Both men are down. Both men are fucked. They’ve been the last two men for ages. Shawn is getting the superkick ready but Taker tosses him over the top rope!

Shawn Michaels has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 24:11.

Entrant number thirty, The Undertaker is the winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble in 56:18 after surviving for 13:15.

2017 comments:

Very, very good finish. Everything up to that was filler.

1997 comments:

I like how they just put a Shawn vs. Taker match on the end of this disappointing battle royale.

Grade: B

Taker stands centre stage, looks out at Shawn, nods and the camera focuses on both men, showing the emotion behind the match. Fair play to the pair of yis. Taker looks at the Wrestlemania 23 sign, checks out the hard cam and points at Shawn. Cunt JBL says that they don’t know what title he is going to go after… so presumably he can choose any. He kneels mid-ring and big pyro hits.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Good God Almighty, I have to give it to either Shawn, Cena or Umaga. I’m going to go with Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than backstage bimbos.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: There were none, really, but I’d say Taker’s sit up followed by Shawn’s kip up was brilliant.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt; Batista retained his World Heavyweight Championship belt and John Cena retained his WWE Championship belt.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the last we will see of Roidy Magoo Test.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, [REDACTED] Benoit.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: CM Punk, Joey Mercury, Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Joey Mercury for busting his face and returning!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell, Trish Stratus.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Ariel, Queen Sharmell, Victoria, No one.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Victoria!

The Year in Reviews

Each Royal Rumble, I will give you some information of the past year of reviews for you stat-heads out there.

In 2006, the biggest movie at the time was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which made $1,066,179,725 worldwide, followed by The Da Vinci Code and Ice Age: The Meltdown. There were a lot of things going on in the world of music but the top best-selling album was… The High School Musical Soundtrack? What the fuck?

There was the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany, a Jackson Pollock painting sold and people cared for some reason, North Korea conducted its first-ever Nuclear Test and Steve Irwin died.

In wrasslin’ news, the WWE Championship was brought into 2006 by Cena for 280 days since April 3 2005 until Edge held it for 21 days from Jan 8 2006 to Jan 29 where Cena held it for 133 days until June 11 at ECW One Night Stand where RVD took it. He held it for 22 days until July 3 when Edge took it back, then it passed to Cena after 76 days at Unforgiven on September 17 and he would take it into the New Year.

Batista had the WWE World Heavyweight belt from April 3, 2005, brought it into 2006 but lost it after 282 days when he had a triceps injury. Kurt Angle took it, held it for 82 days, Dropped it at WrestleMania 22 to Rey Mysterio (winner of the Royal Rumble 2006) and he held it for 112 days until Booker T won it at The Great American Bash on July 23. He lost it Batista after 126 days at Survivor Series and he would bring it into 2007.

Ric Flair held the Intercontinental Championship for 155 days from Sept 18 2005 to Feb 20 2006 when he dropped it to Shelton Benjamin. He had it for 69 days, dropping it to RVD at Backlash who held it for a measly 15 days until Shelton got it back on May 15. After 41 days, Jonny Nitro took it at Vengeance and he had it for 99 days before dropping it to Jeff who gave it back to Johnny after 35 days who dropped it again to Jeff after a week. Jeff would bring it into the New Year.

Booker T had the United States Championship at the beginning of 2006 and held it for 40 days, dropping it to Benoit on Feb 19th, who would drop it to JBL on April 2 after 42 dats, who gave it to Bobby Lashley after 51 days and then to Finlay. They both held it for 49 days each. Mr Kennedy won it on August 29 and dropped it to Benoit 42 days later on October 10, 2006. He would take it into 2007.

Kid Kash was the Cruiserweight Champion at the start of 2006 but he dropped it to Gregory Helms who held it into the New Year.

Rob Van Dam won the reactivated ECW World Heavyweight Championship on June 13, 2006 and held it for 21 days until July 4 when The Big Show beat him to win it. He held it for 152 days until Bobby Lashley won it at December to Dismember and took it into the New Year.

MNM were the Tag Team Champions at the start of 2006 and dropped it to Paul London and Brian Kendrick after 145 days on May 21. They held it into 2007.

Kane and The Big Show were World Tag Team Champs at the beginning of 2006 but they dropped it to the Spirit Squad after 153 days on April 3. They then let Ric Flair and Roddy Piper take it from them on Cyber Sunday and eight days later, Rated-RKO got it from them on Nov 13. They brought it into 2007.

Finally, Trish Stratus was the WWE Women’s Champion at the beginning of 2006 and dropped it to Mickie James at WrestleMania 22 on April 2 after 448 days as champion. Mickie held it for 134 days until Lita took it from her on August 14. Trish won it back at Unforgiven and retired, vacating the title. Lita would win it on November 5 at Cyber Sunday and then Mickie won it 21 days later in Lita’s last match. Mickie would be Women’s Champ into 2007.

2006 was the last full year of separate PPVs for separate WWE brands until it happened again ten years later and it was the last year of the Ruthless Aggression Era as the PG Era came into play shortly after the Benoit Tragedy. The roster was thick and so was the blood.

Closing Statements: A good PPV, more spectacle than actual wrestling but the matches were fun and the end of the Rumble was fantastic.

On the Card will return on February 18 2017 with the Smackdown PPV No Way Out 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #13: New Year’s Revolution (Jan 7 2007) Part 1

Ruthless Aggression #13: New Year’s Revolution – January 7, 2007.

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on January 7, 2007, the third and final New Year’s Revolution aired. It was a RAW PPV, the first of its kind since Cyber Sunday in November 2006. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Armageddon 2006

The Revolution Continues…

Aww yiss. The poster shows Trrrrrriple H and Shawn Michaels in period garb, dressed like the Founding Fathers. They are holding a badly photoshopped DX-claration of Independence with their signatures at the bottom and DX sprayed over it in green. The tagline suggests that their feud against Vince isn’t over.

There are fucking CGI dragons at the start! And they’re breathing right into your face! WWE Raw presents New Year’s Revolution, as a real metal dragon bursts out pyro and JR reminds us that it is 2007, but has no time to introduce himself or Jerry “The King” Lawler before the Intercontinental championship begins…

But wait, a promo hits, showing Randy Orton and Edge kicking seven shades out of DX, busting them both open. Triple H welcomes Rated-RKO to “The Other Side”, which is a bunch of comics about cows.

We cut to Umaga, destroying everyone in his path, facing John Cena later for the WWE Championship.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Vladimir Kozlov and Eugene, Which Kozlov won. This is his second dark match in a row, one being on Armageddon 2006.)

Back in the arena, the Steel Cage has dropped and Lillian Garcia reveals the rules: the only way to win is by pinfall, submission or leaving the cage.

MNM’s music hits and out comes Johnny Nitro with Melina. The lads botch the red carpet at the start and the cameras attempt to introduce JR and Jerry, but keep knocking back to the ramp, where Nitro and Melina are walking down. Jerry mentions that Johnny Nitro’s name is up there with K-Fed. Really? He also mentions that there was a K-Fed vs. Cena match on New Year’s day, which would have been RAW Monday 1st January 2007, obviously.

Hardy’s music hits and down comes Jeff, the Intercontinental champion. What a lad. What a high, high lad. Hardy is right in the cage, jumping up to the top of the cage, sitting there and jumping down.

The match is about to begin, but we haven’t yet been introduced to our broadcast colleagues, or to the Spanish announcers. It takes place in the Kemper Memorial Arena in Kansas City, Missouri, with a total of 10,000 in attendance (the maximum attendance for the arena is actually 18,344, but that was lowered for this PPV, probably because they couldn’t sell all of the tickets) and 220,000 PPV buys at home, much less than the 294,000 from the previous year. Still, the money made from the event was more than last year with $107 million rather than the $95 million from 2006.

Steel Cage Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Jeff Hardy (c) def Johnny Nitro via leaving a cage in 14:49.

The crowd bays for Hardy instantly and the two men circle each other. Hardy makes the crowd clap and Johnny starts taking control, working on Hardy’s lower back. Hardy fights back, stomping Nitro into one corner and Irish whipping him into the other. Hardy goes for a ten punch and reaches all ten before Nitro collapses. Hardy goes for the cover but Nitro escapes. Nitro then reverse-flapjacks Hardy. Melina screams as Hardy gives the facebuster suplex but Nitro replies with a springboard kick to the face. Lots of covers in this match, almost like they think that a steel cage match will end by either pinfall or submission.

Lovely lariat and mother men are on the ground. Hardy crawls toward the cage door but is dragged back by Nitro. Hardy goes to climb out and Nitro grabs him before dropkicking Hardy’s legs. Melina screams again, the loud bitch. Hardy is caught between the cage wall and the ring ropes and Nitro is really going to town on him. Nitro goes to escape, but Hardy catches him and the two men fall as Hardy dropkicks Nitro off. Hardy landed on his hip but reverses an Irish whip into a sprint up the cage wall. Nitro reverses this into a botched super backdrop where he lands on his feet before falling back. Looks a bit guff, being honest. Hardy flapjacks Nitro into the steel cage and tries to climb it.

Both men are on the top rope and Hardy Russian leg sweeps Nitro off. Hardy climbs onto the turnbuckle and Nitro climbs on Hardy to help himself up. From the top of the cage, Nitro sunset flips Hardy, turning it into a powerbomb where Jeff’s head bounces off the canvas. Johnny starts to climb and makes it to the top before Jeff is on his feet. Johnny’s legs get caught in the cage, sending him into a tree of woe, which legit looks like it really fucking hurts. I cringe just looking at it. Melina takes her belt off and whips at Jeff by the cage side. Nitro takes advantage and dropkicks Jeff. Both men down.

We have a wee lie down as one red hat jerk in the crowd jaws off to Melina. It’s real to him, dammit. Nitro goes for a lariat and Jeff turns it into a cross body before hitting the Swanton Bomb from the top rope. Jeff goes for the cover yet Nitro’s leg is on the rope. Didn’t think that rope-breaks counted in a cage match as it is no-DQ… but maybe that only works with the submissions? Jeff hits the back body drop and Nitro once again makes his way to the top of the cage. Nitro is on the edge and about to fall off when Hardy attempts a super Twist of Fate and botches it. Nitro does not know what to do and begins a climb to the top again. Jeff is crawling towards the door but Melina is blocking it. Nitro’s foot is on the door when Jeff kicks the door open, wishboning Nitro on the top of the door, allowing Hardy to leave and retain the championship in 14:49.

2016 comments:

Great curtain jerker again by these two fantastic lads, despite the fuckups.

2006 comments:

It’s rare to start a PPV with a steel cage match but I’m glad it did.

Grade: A-

Todd Grisham is backstage and speaking to Randy Orton and Edge, the World Tag Team Champions of Rated-RKO. Todd asks them why this feud with DX is so personal. Edge tells him that DX reformed to have fun and Rated-RKO formed to take them down. Randy agrees, telling Todd that Rated-RKO are fighting for their future, which is funny because Edge doesn’t have many years left in his future as he would retire four years later in 2011 after WrestleMania XXVII.

Back in the arena, Lilian introduces a special bonus match: Tag Team Turmoil! I hate TTT. It’s a shitty Royal Rumble for tags. The winner becomes number one contenders for the tag team belts.

First out is our boys, the Highlanders!

Then, the World’s Greatest Tag Team: Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. Both have dragons on their backs, obviously loving the dragons here at New Year’s Revolution.

Tag Team Turmoil Match for the number one contender for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Cryme Tyme def Lance Cade and Trevor Murdock, The Highlanders, The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas) and Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy via elimination in 19:03.

Hoo-boy, this is going to be… a match.

Charlie Haas and Robbie start off. Charlie is thrown into the corner and both Highlanders double suplex him before having a lovely Irish whip dodge ending with a weak drop toe hold. JR takes the time to describe the difference between the Highlanders: Rory is older and bald, Robbie is younger and hairy. Shelton Benjamin jumps over Charlie’s back to land on Rory’s arse. Shelton is tagged in and delivers a knee to Rory. A lot of green glow sticks in the crowd making the DX symbol. Rory is in a chinlock but soon fights out of it. Shelton attempts a bodyslam but Rory falls on him and the two men struggle for a moment before Robbie gets the hot tag, clearing house. Robbie gives Charlie a lovely back suplex and is aout to be thrown into the right when Charlie rolls out. As Rory gets Robbie back, Shelton sneaks up, hits a lovely superplex on Robbie and gets the pin.

The Highlanders have been eliminated by The World’s Greatest Tag Team in 5:10.

A Challenger Appears: Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy.

Hacksaw is gassed already. He delivers mental punches to Shelton and shouts his damn “Hoooooo!” every five seconds. Hacksaw gets beat on by Charlie as the crowd bay for Super Crazy. Shelton chokes Duggan with the ring ropes and eventually he fights back, hits the tepid tag and Super Crazy is in, hitting dropkicks, snapmares and a standing moonsault, which is impressive considering his size. He goes to jump top rope but Shelton knocks him out with a punch and Charlie pins him.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy have been eliminated by The World’s Greatest Tag Team in 3:57.

A Challenger Appears: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

And now we see the two teams that people came to see. Cade takes over, beating on Benjamin and easily lifting up Shelton and slamming him down. Murdoch looks like a Hillbilly. Maybe that’s his gimmick. Shelton is getting beat on and Murdoch gives him the big boot over Cade’s head. Then we have a lovely rest hold. As Murdoch moves to face the hard cam. Cade gives Shelton the neckbreaker and gets only two-counts, sadly. Cade gives Murdoch a lovely Atomic-Drop-into-Leg-Drop onto Shelton Benjamin. Shelton goes for the hot tag and Haas is in, cleaning house. Murdoch hits a lovely T-Bone suplex where he doesn’t even drop. Haas goes for a submission move and Cade jumps off the top rope with an axe-handle-nothing and Murdoch pins him for the elimination.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team have been eliminated by Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch in 4:39.

A Challenger Appears: Cryme Tyme.

Yo yo yo yo! It’s Cryme Tyme! Brooklyn Brooklyn!

Shad and JTC turn up and Shad clears house before tagging in JTG, who gets thrown onto Cade. Mudoch is tagged in and JTC his knocked out of the ring. Cade calls him back in, goes for the pin, fails, and argues with the ref. Cade gives JTG another few punches and throws him against the turnbuckle. Murdoch gives JTG a bunch of chokes and another toss into the turnbuckle. Cade covers for Murdoch, who is choked by the tag ropes. Cade gives JTG a lovely punch and he goes down like a sack of spuds. Murdoch is in, taking over and punching JTG until there’s a lovely roll-up and the ref’s back is turned. Typical refs. Never watching.

Murdoch is taking over and JTG has been on the receiving end of his punishment for a while. Murdoch goes from Bret’s rope and gets countered, leading to an almost-hot tag that never comes as Cade knocks Shad off the apron. JTG escapes a double suplex and Shad is tagged in, clearing house for ten seconds before being knocked down. Shad lifts Cade up for a Samoan Drop after escaping a double team and the pain double-neckbreaker Cade for the pin in 19:03.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch have been eliminated by Cryme Tyme in 6:51.

Cryme Tyme are the new Number One Contenders for the Tag Team Championship!

Cryme Tyme celebrate and JR takes away from the win by saying that they had an advantage because they were the last team in the match.

On the Card will return on January 14 2017 with the second part of New Year’s Revolution 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #9. Cyber Sunday (Nov 5, 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 5, 2006, the PPV Cyber Sunday aired. It was a Raw PPV, and the first Raw PPV since Unforgiven way back in September. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Cyber Sunday 2006

Log On. Take Over.

Alright! Now we’re talking! Now that is a tagline worth fighting for! And the poster featured the diminutive Maria stepping into an old CRT monitor over what looks to be a keyboard without symbols. The gimmick of Cyber Sunday was that fans could vote online for different stipulations to each match, which was moderately exciting.

Let’s jump right into it. The DVD has mouse icons to select your match. Great stuff. Bit disappointed that they are pointing in the wrong direction, however, but I can let that slide today, WWE. The opening video informs us that over 10 million fans voted online during Cyber Sunday. We get to choose the partner, adversary, rules, challenger, special guest referee, which title is on the line. It ends with the line, “Come see what you’ve created!”

That’s passing the buck a little there, Mister World Wrestling Entertainment. If the card is shite, don’t blame me. I don’t even think I voted.

Raw presents WWE Cyber Sunday and the big pyro tells us that it has begun! Loads of signs out there today as Jumping Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler invite us to the US Bank Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio for the very first, most interactive PPV of all time, ever, so far. 7,000 in attendance, which is a low number, but with 228,000 PPV buys, I don’t think many people will be weeping. Jerry is actually on the laptop when JR tells us that 14.5 million people have voted. Christ alive. If only even ten percent of that number bought tickets, it would be a great day. Unfortunately, little over 1.5% seemed to buy tickets. My maths might be off on that because I’m not a huge nerd.

The camera pans to my legit favourite Spanish Announcers (I know that’s a bit of a controversial statement in this day and age, but I stand by it) Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. If you just watch Savinovich when Cabrera is speaking, it is hilarious. He looks like a man who knows little Spanish outside of what he learnt in school and he is trying to piece what Cabrera is saying together from simple sentences… and then he just explodes with wonderful, fluent dialogue AND THEY AREN’T EVEN CUT OFF THIS TIME. PRAISE BE.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Super Crazy and Rob Conway. It lasted about three minutes.)

First match is featuring Umaga. The crowd cannot care less. They boo, they roar, they bellow. Umaga is the “host” of the match and his “guest” is to be chosen and voted by the audience… from a list of three. So, basically, the result will never change because the challenger (or “guest”, if you prefer) will always win or always lose. This is just deciding who gets a payday and who doesn’t. It would be interesting if all three wrestlers backstage get the payday as they would have to turn up, get into gear, warm up, run over a match with Umaga and then one would do it… unless the voting was rigged and these people were told in advance whether or not to come in either because the people in charge of the voting pulled the results early or didn’t give a shit about the results and just pulled the choice from their asses. Either way, you’d be furious if you travelled for hours, sat around backstage, got suited and booted and then ended up having to go home empty handed… let’s watch and find out.

Todd Grisham and Maria are up by the Titantron to announce the results of the votes. Maria, fresh from her adventure into Cyberspace, has no idea how to dress. He tells us nearly 15 million votes were cast. Maria rocks through her lines as best she can despite her obvious brain injury. Backstage, we see the three lads up for it. We have Kane, my one-time favourite wrestler, at this moment in time just a big bald baby; Chris [REDACTED] Benoit, the US Champ, standing there and planning his eventual fall into WWE-imposed obscurity; and Sandman, who is a cunt.

They ask for a drumroll. They get one. The results are in, over 14,300,054 votes worldwide (which means the total number of votes has to have been 14,300,055) and the winner is Kane with 49%! Well done K-

Wait, what the fuck? Let me look at those results more clearly. Sandman got 28%? And [REDACTED] got 23%? What the fuck? Who wouldn’t want to see my boy, Canuck Crossface himself?

Wrestling makes no sense sometimes.

Kane does an evil wee smile and moves from backstage towards the ring. The pyro goes off as our boy, the Undertaker’s evil demon brother makes his way to the ring for some more pyro. Double pyro.

Umaga (w/ Armanda Alejandro Estrada) def. Kane via pin in 8:39.

Kane goes after Estrada on the apron and Umaga takes the time to run and attack Kane like the coward he is. Kane and Umaga smack and slap each other senseless and Kane hits a few great right hands there followed by a choke on the turnbuckle. The ref tries to break it up and Kane goes after him. Umaga headbutts Kane and JR points out that Umaga, as a Samoan, must have a very hard cranium. Good old fashioned hard-headed foreigners. Umaga hits Kane with a great belly-to-belly suplex and Kane does his brother’s sit-up but Umaga kicks him back down. As Kane is getting up, he hits a few right hands and runs the ropes only for Umaga to hit a spinning heel kick on him.

The crowd chant for Kane and he rallies, hitting the Irish whip and Big Boot but getting a facebuster for his effort. Great “Remember, Remember, the fifth of November” sign in the crowd (V for Vendetta came out earlier in the year, so I doubt we have some British history buffs in Cincinnati tonight) as JR mentioned that Umaga cannot really wrestle: “he can brawl, but can’t wrestle.” Big words, JR. Wait til the Samoan Bulldozer gets wind of that. You’re fucked. JR points out that he knows Umaga likes to hurt people and King says that Estrada likes to watch. Kinky.

Lovely body slam from Umaga and the big lad goes to Bret’s rope to hit the flying headbutt but Kane kicks out. Umaga berates the referee for not counting quickly enough. JR mentions the thickness of Umaga’s thighs and Jerry says, “ain’t seen legs like that since the Brontosaurus died out.” Umaga hits a Rikishi-like arse-attack. On the outside, Umaga attempts the Samoan Spike but Kane dodges and the thumb hits only a ringpost. Kane takes over with some lovely offence including a throw into the steel steps, neck shots, a ten-punch in the corner that goes over and above. Kane then headbutts Umaga and hits the clothesline. Umaga looks fucked and a second clothesline puts him onto the ropes but Umaga reverses an Irish whip, hits the Samoan drop and as he is celebrating, Kane sits up, gets ready for the chokeslam but Umaga rakes the eyes. Backdrop and Kane calls for… wait… is he going top-rope? You know that’s bad news. Estrada goes to push him off, but is thrown off himself. Kane goes airborne with a double-axe-handle-nothing and Umage spikes him once in mid-air and once again for the pin in 8:39.

2016 comments:

Probably one of the better Umaga matches I’ve seen. Kane has a habit of putting on average matches and his gimmick is far better than his skill as a wrestler, but he had a great match here. Good opener.

2006 comments:

How do they let the cheating manager by the ring each and every time? Don’t they ever learn?

Grade: B

Umaga celebrates by looking at the crowd and then going to Spike Kane again but he escapes before that is possible. Estrada’s hair is mental. Umaga’s winning streak is impressive considering his stupid gimmick and even worse finishing move.

Cut to the Big Show backstage. He bumps into Queen Sharmell who tells him that being the Champion of Champions isn’t the best thing… it’s keeping the status quo. She suggests that if Show’s title is on the line or Booker’s title is on the line, he and Booker should unite to ensure that it does not change hands… but if John Cena’s title is on the line… well, it’s just everybody for himself then, isn’t it? Big Show says that Sharmell is the most beautiful queen he has ever seen (and she is lovely) but he does not trust either Sharmell or Booker. He is about to copy Rock’s “take that x, shine it up real nice and stick it-“ but Sharmell walks off.

Cryme Tyme come out. Wasn’t a huge fan of Cryme Tyme because they seemed like what a white person thought black people were like, but apparently the guys, JTG and Shad Gaspard, were down with it because they were actually parodying what a white person thinks black people are like. This is very meta. I can’t really think too hard about this.

Then out comes the World’s Biggest Love Machine, Viscera and Charlie Haas. Of course, Viscera is also the world’s biggest botch machine. Wasn’t Mark “Sexual Chocolate” Henry supposed to be using this gimmick? Didn’t he get Mae Young pregnant and she gave birth to a hand? So many questions, none of them involving Big Daddy V. I always had a soft spot for Viscera.

The Highlanders are here! Jerry attempts a Scottish accent and JR uses the term “referendum”, which is due to cause tears amongst the Scots.

Droning guitar and out come Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. There isn’t much to say about them other than the fact that they’re from Texas… maybe? They’re a cheap Smoking Gunns, that’s all I have to say.

Cut to Maria and Todd. Todd reminds us of the match that happened seconds ago and that he doesn’t even know what type of match this is going to be. Maria does. It’s a tag team match. Well done, love. She is excited, though, so excited! So excited that Todd needs to remind her how excited she is. Why is she excited? Because the options are… Fatal Four way… Tag Team Turmoil… or Texas Tornado.

What are the differences? Fatal 4-Way is an elimination match. Tag Team Turmoil is that two tag teams start and when one is defeated, another takes its place until three teams have been eliminated. Texas Tornado is a schmoz.

The results are in… 50% to a Texas Tornado. And the schmoz begins instantly.

Texas Tornado Match: Cryme Tyme def. The Highlanders, Charlie Hass and Viscera, and Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch via pin in 4:28.

And what a schmoz it is. I used to love matches like this when I were kinder because they were so hectic and it looked like an actual fight. As I grew older and wearier, however, I stopped enjoying them as much and such is the case today, I assume. Cryme Tyme and Charlie Haas/Vicera are mid-ring while Highlanders and Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch are outside. Shad and Viscera (“Big Vis,” as JR calls him) are mid-ring and Shad rolls away from a big Senton Splash from Viscera. JTG and Shad do a strange catapult job. Cade and Murdoch roll Cryme Tyme out after a sweet neckbreaker combo and The Highlanders come in, throw each other about for a while and take over the shift.

Very fast paced as both Cade and Murdoch are removed. Stereo suicide dives to the outside from the Highlanders. Haas and JTG are in the ring. Haas boots JTG in the head and the Cryme Tymer fights back with a lovely jumping dropkick. Charlie replies with a wonderful German Suplex. Shad is in with a Big Boot and Viscera defends his teammate. Shad has him beaten until Viscera Bossman Slams him. He then gyrates mid-ring. Sexy. Viscera barges both Haas and Shad in the corner and his booted out of the ring by stereo dropkicks from The Highlanders. Cade and Murdoch are in and beat Robbie with a pair of double team moves but Cryme Tyme slither in and both pin Robbie for the win in 4:28.

2016 comments:

Spotfest as all wrestlers roll through their team-ups. Not a lot of variation here other than Highlanders and Lance/Cade with Cryme Tyme and Haas/Viscera.

2006 comments:

Match of the year if they’d only had weapons.

Grade: C

Cryme Tyme wave to JR and Jerry. Sychophants. They then jump on the announcer’s desk and try to dance with the announcers. It is embarrassing. Jerry and JR fist bump and JR points out that Jerry’s laptop is missing BECAUSE CRYME TYME STOLE IT BECAUSE RACISM.

On the Card will return on November 12th with the second part of Cyber Sunday 2006.

RUTHLESS AGGRESSION ERA #3.ECW ONE NIGHT STAND 2006 (June 11, 2006) PART 1

Ruthless Aggression #3: ECW One Night Stand – June 11, 2006

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 11, 2006, the PPV ECW One Night Stand aired. It was an ECW PPV, obviously, and was meant to capitalise on the popularity of Extreme/Eastern Championship Wrestling from the early nineties to early 2000s. Honestly, ECW represented some dark side of wrestling for me. When I started watching wrestling, it was so cartoony that I never really realised that the guys could be fighting for real so it came as no news to me that it was scripted. ECW, however, was something primal, barbaric even. It seemed like those men wished each other harm. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

ECW One Night Stand 2006

Still no tagline this time around, owing to the fact that the Fed still thought only Raw was worth it. Still, the poster is pretty boss. We see old Rob Van Dam there jumping off a ladder like a ninja, briefcase in hand. Business ninja.

Show opens with the crowd in the Hammerstein Ballroom, New York, screaming an, “ECW! ECW!” chant. Music hits and out comes Paul E. Dangerously AKA Paul Heyman. He’s got the suit on underneath the trenchcoat, hat on top, ponytail hanging out the back. ?The crowd are loving it and Paul is swaggering about the place, bowing to the fans in the balcony and waving at everyone else.

Paul E. cuts a promo scathing ECW hardcore vs. WWE superstars. He spits on the mic, too. Pretty yucky, Paul. Paul then goes on to say that they have a global audience now and that they will show that audience where it all started. Bit silly to say that, seeing as ECW started in 1992 and closed in 2001, fourteen and five years previous to the PPV, respectively. Still, a nice line. He gets a, “thank you, Paul E.” chant. Big pop for the fact that they’re on PPV and on Sci-Fi for the ECW television show. That was another shitshow and that’s besides the point. Paul tells the crowd that the only reason they are there is because of the fans. He then thanks each and every one, individually.

Close up shot on the “If Cena Wins, We Riot” sign. Oh come on, Cena isn’t all that bad, guys. He can be hardcore, too.

Paul E. does the old, “This is better than Monday Night RAW, this is better than Friday Night Smackdown. Welcome to the rebirth of ECW!” routine and we cut to some dodgy CGI and 90’s reverb. Kind of makes you miss ECW, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing.

The song for this evening is “Bodies” by Drowning Pool, which is amazing.

Hammerstein Ballroom, New York. 2, 460 fans cram into the room to shout and throw things. Small numbers, better crowd, but it is clear that no one at the Fed could care less about this PPV. Joey Styles is on the announcer’s mic. No Spanish announcers, no Star Spangled Banner, this is low-budget as all hell and can either be the best thing ever or a shitshow.

I appreciate Styles’ skill on the mic. The ability to call a match on your own is remarkable and makes it feel like a real sporting event as opposed to a scripted professional wrestling match. The lack of colour commentator means that storylines and motivation don’t go over as easily, but that is a small price to pay. Let’s see how long before his nasal tone drains me.

Tazz! It’s Tazz! Out he comes, covered in smoke, swaggering down to the ring. His name is spelled with both Z’s but a closeup on a fan’s sight shows the original “Taz” spelling. His original music, “Survive if I let you,” plays, which isn’t as threatening as his WWF theme with the heart beating. He’s wearing a towel on his head and looks like hell. He’s not wearing any ring gear at all, stands in the corner, frowns and crosses his arms.

Jerry comes out, heeling it up like a motherfucker. His comedy heel tactics will not go over here. The crowd tell him that he sucks dick. He then goes over and slaps Joey Styles in the most worked announcer attack ever. Something happens during the announcement and the mic goes quiet.

Tazz def. Jerry “the King” Lawler via submission in 35 seconds.

Joey is in the ring as soon as the bell rings and jumps on Jerry’s back. He is knocked off and Jerry goes for the piledriver. Tazz grapples Jerry from behind, applies the Tazzmission and my favourite spot hits as the ref raises Jerry’s hand and drops it once… twice… thrice? That’s it? Match over? Oh fuck.

2016 comments:

Oh, we are off to a great fucking start.

2006 comments:

I’m sorry, I was looking away. What happened?

Grade: F

What was the purpose here? To put ECW over by handing Tazz a simple win? This is the ECW crowd! Don’t give them a thirty-five second match! The pop wasn’t even a pop, it was a confused grunt. Pish.

Cut to Joey who is making a big deal of checking his jaw. It’s fine though and, unfortunately, he continues to talk. He introduces the WWE vs. ECW extravaganza where the Raw, Smackdown and ECW battle royale ended with Randy Orton and The Big Show being the only who guys left. Big Show removed his Raw shirt to reveal that he, like Bruce Willis in the 6th Sense (spoiler alert) was with ECW all along. Then, just like Bruce Willis, he throws Randy Orton out of the ring and lifts Kurt Angle into the air.

Cut to Cena vs. Sabu. Sabu scares me. Cena is willing when Big Show pops in again and fucks it up for everyone.

Wait! Tazz is back at the commentary desk. Out comes Randy Orton. My God, he looks fantastic. I’m not a huge Orton fan, but this is my favourite Randy moment. He’s walking down the aisle and this kid leans out and gives him a punch on the arm. Randy stops, spins around, realises that the kid is about twelve, has a few words and as he’s walking away, mutters, “punk motherfucker,” to himself. The kid’s dad is so proud. Like, super proud of his son.

Now, Randy is not an amazing wrestler, though his RKO process is stuff of legend. He is killing it with his slow walk down to the ring, however. The crowd hate him. He is everything ECW is not. He strolls into the ring, hits his Legend Killer pose and then flirts with the crowd for a while. Fair play to him.

Tazz and Joey keep saying that Randy Orton looks out of place. Of course he does. Man has no scars on his face. He pops up on the turnbuckle and gets his pyro. Not one person in the audience is happy about seeing him. He’s really pantomiming his way through the intro.

Kurt gets his introduction before his music hits, which is probably just to remind the crowd that now Kurt is an ECW guy, just like The Big Show, despite the fact that neither of them worked in ECW before now. Angle comes out, his gumshield in. He gets a huge pop and a massive round of applause for being Kurt Angle. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kurt. Christ, if his music came on during an anti-American angle of any kind (like Rusev dissing the yanks), I would shit my pants.

Nice “Fuck ‘em up, Angle, fuck ‘em up!” chant gets started and the bell rings

Kurt Angle def. Randy Orton via submission in 15:07.

Randy circles Angle in an attempt to get away from the Olympic champion and catch him unawares. Considering the fact that Angle can’t turn his damn neck, I’m surprised that Orton isn’t able to sidestep him. Kayfabe or no kayfabe, though, this is Kurt fucking Angle. If you’ve read his book, you know that the man is hella serious about wrestling. Not professional wrestling, actual honest-to-God wrasslin’.

Randy tolls out of the ring and gets super booed for it. Test of strength and Angle goes for Orton’s leg, going for the ankle lock. Orton crawls out of the ring to get away from Angle. “Angle’s gonna kill you!” chant rises. A “Fuck you, Orton,” chant is created shortly thereafter. Angle gets Orton is a headlock, he escapes, Irish whips Angle and gets another headlock. Randy escapes again. The crowd call him a pussy.

Angle lifts Orton for a suplex and slaps him about the head for a while. Bear in mind that Angle was in the Olympics only ten years before this match. He’s still got it. Angle points to his neck, telling Randy, “come get it, first one is free.” Randy goes for the headlock and is knocked back. He goes again and again and is backdropped for his effort. Angle roars for a bit and the crowd chant, “ECW! ECW!”

Angle goes to shoulder barge Orton in the corner but Randy moves at the last second. Orton takes over for a while and the already slow pace crawls to a stop before Angle lifts Orton up and slams him back down. Orton knocks him down with an elbow and gets a two count. The crowd chant, “Go fuck Cena!” and Orton is clearly pissed. Crowd tell Orton, “You can’t wrestle!”

Angle gets on top of Orton and there are a few two-counts. The crowd start mixing chants for a while. Orton gets Angle in a headlock and the crowd get bored. All in all, the match has been very technical and not very exciting. The fans just want to see Randy get his fuck kicked in. Angle teases German suplexes twice before finally hitting Orton with one and getting an, “ECW! ECW!” chant for his effort. Both men are up and at ‘em and Angle hits Orton with three German suplexes in a row before attempting the Angle Slam. Orton hits Angle with a great dropkick but the crowd say, “Fuck you, Orton.”

Angle explodes up and hits the Angle Slam but it only gets a two count. He goes for the ankle lock but Randy escapes and hits him with a brutal neckbreaker. Only gets a two-count though. Randy does his weird snake crawl, looking for the RKO. He goes for it, is rejected and goes to the top rope. Randy Orton has no top rope moves. Why is he going to the top rope? To be belly-to-belly suplexed by Angle of course! Angle and Orton scramble at the top of the turnbuckle and Orton hits him with a crossbody before hitting a clothesline and going for another RKO. Again, it is rejected and Angle goes for the ankle lock. Orton has nowhere to go and taps out.

2016 comments:

An okay match, actually. The start was technical and the rest was professional, so a nice clean cut between the two styles. For my sins, I like both these guys; Orton because he’s a great heel and Angle because he’s Kurt fucking Angle.

2006 comments:

Actually, I might have watched ECW if it was more like this and less light tubes being ground into people’s eyes.

Grade: B

Angle celebrates for a while and he is so over, which is really weird considering that he’s never professionally wrestled anywhere but in the Fed. Tazz tells Angle to go back to Raw where he belongs. Randy wants two men to come out to help him be carried back to the locker room. The crowd call him a pussy and he waves at them, saying, “my fans! They’re my fans!”

What a total bastard.

Shot of New York and the FBI’s music hits. Big Guido is huge and is a legit 6 foot 9. He does, however, have a face like a handbag. Tazz takes the time to tell us which one is Little Guido (red), which one is Marmaluke (green) and which one is Big Guido (tall fucker). Big pop as Super Crazy and Tajiri come out. Both are looking great. Tazz loves Tajiri’s style and the crowd chant “Welcome back” to him.

The Full Blooded Italians [FBI] (Little Guido Maritato and Tony Marmaluke) w/ Big Guido def. Yoshihiro Tajiri and Super Crazy via pinfall in 12:24.

Bell goes and we have Crazy and Marmaluke arm toss each other. Tazz and Styles make Italian jokes like pricks. Tazz is from Brooklyn and is Sicilian, fair enough, but he doesn’t do any of this shit around the other wrestlers. You never hear him talking about Kurt Angle and dropping some recipes for pasta or whatever. Tajiri jumps in and gets a pop for it. He looks bored otherwise. Crazy and Marmaluke do some sweet chain wrestling. Styles and Tazz talk about how long it is to fly to Japan. The crowd chant either, “Nacho Libre!” or “Macho Libre!” and Tazz lets on that it’s advertising.

Crazy hits a fucking great Bob Backlund backdrop on Marmalike and then a super-high X-Factor. Tajiri and Little Guido come in. The crowd start chanting, “ECW! ECW!” Tajiri goes for the tiltawhirl backbreaker but Little Guido reverses into an armbar. This is a great match and Tajiri makes it better by spitting at Maraluke from the centre of the ring. He gets Little Guido into a tree of woe. Maramluke comes in and Crazy dropkicks him before getting Marmaluke into a tree of woe on the opposite turnbuckle. Stereo baseball slides and a two-count as Tajiri gives Little Guido the most disrespectful of all tea-bagged pins.

Crazy kicks ass for a while and hits the sweetest pair of moonsaults – one from Bret’s rope and the other to the outside from the apron. Big Guido starts beating on him and a cover by Little Guido is broken up by Tajiri. Marmaluke is Irish whipped into the ropes and when Crazy lifts him up, he holds onto the leg, dropping Marmaluke facefirst onto the mat. It looks super dangerous. Loads of submissions follow.

Tajiri dropkicks Little Guido’s knee and kicks Marmaluke in the face to save Crazy from the pin. Joey says that one of the boys is 5 foot 7 and has size 12 feet. “God Bless his wife. Walking with a limp.”

Tajiri has a great bunch of moves on Guido followed by a spinning hell kick and close pin. Tajiri gets Marmaluke in some mental spinning head scissors submission before springboarding off the ropes and hitting them both. Great superkick by Tajiri. Double Irish whip, do-se-do followed by a stereo Tarantula. Big Guido comes in and is beat on by Tajiri and Crazy. The FBI do a double clothesline on their opponents. Crazy is kicked into the crowd and the FBI double fisherman Tajiri for the pin in 12:24.

2016 comments:

Fucking great match. Spotfest, but a good spotfest. God love these men.

2006 comments:

No psychology and I don’t know these men but I want to see more.

Grade: A

Then the fucking Big Show comes out. The crowd are not unhappy about this, but Big Guido and the Big Show square off and both teams attempt to attack him. He dodges a Crazy lariat, bag breakers Marmaluke and throws him about like a ragdoll. Music hits and he leaves again. What was the point again?

Cut to Joey Styles and Tazz bigging up the two big matches when Cunt JBL appears. He’s on the balcony and he’s not in his wrestling gear. The crowd tell him that he sucks dick, which he does because he is a cunt. He says that he sees no women in the audience and that the audience are thus fruits. He then boasts about busting the Blue Meanie up in the previous year’s One Night Stand 2005.

Straight-up shoot fact: JBL and Blue Meanie had a big of heat, mostly because JBL is a backstage bully and hazes new guys and being stiff in the ring. Some of the stories are funny, some are great justice and some of them are just cruel. Kurt Angle’s autobiography “It’s True, It’s True” details a match on Sunday Night Heat where the APA beat seven shades of shite out of Public Enemy. If you watch the match, it is short, brutal and to the point. The Blue Meanie situation was different. Meanie was saying things about JBL on the internet, apparently in character, and the Texan took offence to it and opened some stitches on his head. There is a reason I call him Cunt JBL and that is because he is a cunt.

The crowd shout, “Booooring!” and he boasts about being a bully and that nothing happened to him for being this way. The audience tell him to shut the fuck up. JBL bigs up Vince and JBL threatens Tazz. JBL calls the audience geeks and they call him an asshole. He says, “You paid to see me. I didn’t pay to see you,” and Tazz says, “He wasn’t even advertised!” JBL says he is the voice of Smackdown, the “A” show, which is bullshit. JBL tells the audience to kiss his ass and that the show sucks.

Our ring announcer Stephen DeAngelis announces that the next match will be contested under Extreme Rules!

Music hits and out comes Sabu. The crowd pops for him. He is so badly scarred, he looks like hell but also looks fantastic. He’s like an anime character. Then comes Rey. Big pyro, no pop. He hugs kids and babyfaces it up. Rey was actually in ECW for a while, so he should have a bigger pop for that, but then it is revealed that he had turned down an offer for ECW from our man Paul Heyman.

Lights come up and the introductions begin. Both men have chairs. Homicidal, suicidal, genocidal Sabu gets a pop. Rey gets boos and looks upset about it. “Fuck ‘em up, Sabu, fuck ‘em up!” chant rises. The ref gets both men to drop their chairs and rings the bell.

Extreme Rules Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Sabu. Match ended in no contest in 9:10.

Tazz pronounces coffee as “cawfeee”. Sabu goes for Rey’s knee and, amazingly, it doesn’t blow out. Rey looks so smooth and perfect next to Sabu. Duelling chairs to start off with and Sabu flips Rey in the air, sets up a chair and goes for Air Sabu but Rey falls forward and misses the chair shot. Rey then hits Sabu with a hurricanrana off the chair. Sabu denies him a 619 and cracks him in the face with a chair. It sounds brutal. Sabu sets up the table on the apron over to the ring edge. Sabu rolls into the ring, sets up the chair and goes to jump but Rey moves. Sabu takes an awful looking drop to the floor. Rey wastes no time in moonsaulting for the two-count.

Rey cracks Sabu a punch and gets caught between the top two ropes. Sabu does a great leg drop off the top rope to Rey’s neck but no pin. He then does another leg drop while holding a chair, moving the chair below his arse to get some sort of chair leg drop combo. No dice so the maniac runs out, sets up a ladder and is swiftly kicked on it by Rey. Mysterio then jumps from the top rope, hitting Sabu in the face with his balls. Sabu looks hurt, is twisting and stretching his arm as the ref throws up the X. Rey holds his balls and slides back into the ring.

It’s Rey’s turn to hit the leg drop on Sabu. He Irish whips the maniac into the corner and goes for another jump-off-the-chair spot but Sabu jumps. Rey tries to reverse into a moonsault but Sabu moves off and springboards off the ropes for a butt-bump of his own. The crowd chants for Sabu, as if he is the only man in the match. He then does a great moonsault and goes for the leg-drop-chair-shot (the Atomic Arabian Face Buster, according to the announcers) but misses. Mysterio sits Sabu in the chair and goes to hit him again but Sabu misses for the second ball-shot of the match. Sabu just throws the chair at Rey with a huge crack. Sabu sets Rey up on the table and jumps at him, DDTing him in the air through the fucking table. Lads come out to see them, both men are in huge amounts of pain and a lad in a necktie stops the match in 9:10.

2016 comments:

Absolutely brutal. Very scary match. Rey and Sabu do not have the best safety record because they’re both mental.

2006 comments:

Christ of almighty, is this ECW? I might actually like it.

Grade: C

Crowd call bullshit, the bloody bastards. Both men are apparently getting taken to the hospital. Sabu is rolling everywhere, unable to stand, seemingly. He gets applause though.

On the Card will return on June 18th with the second and final part of  ECW One Night Stand 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #2. Judgment Day 2006 (May 21, 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Judgment Day 2006 was heating up with a decent Benoit match and a regrettable Women’s Wrestling match. Can we start some momentum heading into our two main events?

Promo of the 1996 King of the Ring with Stone Cold cutting that amazing promo that elevated him to superstardom. Another reminder of the Lashley/T match later on in the night.

Gregory Helms’ music plays and down comes the artist formerly known as the Hurricane. He is the WWE Cruiserweight Champion and looks a million Dollars. Super Crazy comes down on his lawnmower. Wow. Not offensive to Latinos at all. Christ Almighty, WWE.

Luis Gonzalez is in the audience. Very exciting.

Tazz says, “look at the hair on Helms,” before Maggle goes, “Helms? You mean Crazy?” Tazz mutters something in response and the match begins.

Cruiserweight Championship match: Gregory Helms (c) def. Super Crazy via pinfall in 09:55.

Quick rollup at the start by Super Crazy followed by two more before Helms chucks him out of the ring. Crazy pulls himself back in and another rollup. Helms gets knocked over the top rope and goes for the suicide dive but the ref stops him. Crazy is not going to be deterred, however, and jumps over the ref! “ECW!” chant rises.

Super Crazy is so over here, even though he hasn’t done anything new or different that other competitors in other matches have done. Helms is pretty dazed and Super Crazy takes him to the corner for the ten-punch. He gets six. Helms hits Crazy with a great running neckbreaker followed by a standing neckbreaker followed by a reverse choke hold. Maggle and Tazz talk shite in the background. Crazy fights back and is knocked to the floor by Helms. Helms drags Crazy to the apron and smacks him a bunch. Another pin attempt.

Maggle says that Helms is glad he isn’t the Hurricane, which is nonsense because the Hurricane was brilliant. “Super Crazy!” chant rises and we have rest hold city from both men. This match is not exciting.  Lots of shots of the crowd chanting. No one cares. Helms has a side headlock on Super Crazy and minutes have gone past with very little action. Crazy is more focussed on the elastic in his pants. Finally, Crazy is up, jumping off the ropes and back to another choke hold. Helms goes to Bret’s rope, hits a double-foot nothing and Crazy is back up and fighting back.

Neither competitor can get much momentum until Crazy hits a spinning backbreaker, round of punches and standing moonsault to a two-count. He’s on the turnbuckle for a missile dropkick that gets a two-count. He goes up again, hits a moonsault but Helms rolls out of the way. He goes for the Shining Wizard, Crazy ducks it and another two-count. Maggle talks about how you can only get cruiserweights on Smackdown. Just as well if the matches are this shite.

Helms gets a rollup and the ref does a horrible job of the count, hitting his feet off Super Crazy’s feet. Some fightback and another jumping neckbreaker from Helms. Super Crazy slaps Helms, chucks him into the turnbuckle and goes for the hurricanarana. Helms counters it, goes for the pin and uses the ropes for leverage for the win in 09:55.

2016 comments:

Not great. I like Shane Helms. I like the Hurricane. I hate Gregory Helms. I’m not a huge fan of Super Crazy either. Seems like this match was just like the rest holds: time wasting.

2006 comments:

I miss the Hurricane.

Grade: C.

Helms celebrates and we cut backstage to where Melina is still on television! Who is caring about this woman other than Cameron? Melina and Nitro go to Teddy Long and complain. Teddy says he doesn’t care and Melina slaps him. Teddy fires her for it. He then fires Nitro. We don’t care.

Tazz and Maggle remind us of the King of the Ring 2000 tournament where it was Angle vs. Rikishi. Angle belly-to-belly suplexed Kish off the top rope to become King of the Ring. Very exciting. We see Anthony Robles, a one-legged boy who can wrestle. Good show.

Mark Henry’s ass-kicking music hits and the World’s Wettest Man comes out. We see him frog splash Angle through a couple of tables. Henry goes straight to the announcer’s table to get it ready for a whuppin’. He gets the mic and makes a proclamation that Kurt Angle is a damn fool who doesn’t realise that Mark Henry hurts lads, including Batista. He then pauses before calling the audience “people”, the implication being that they are not people.

Angle’s music hits and the crowd pops. Kurt Angle is great. His music is fantastic. Angle has those mental black gum shields on and runs into the ring to attack Henry.

Mark Henry def. Kurt Angle via countout in 09:11.

Mark Henry is not a great wrestler. Kurt Angle is both one of the best legit and professional wrestlers of all time. This match will balance out at being okay. Kurt has cracked ribs and Henry wastes no time in going for them. Angle does a stupid senton from Bret’s rope, landing on his head. C’mon, Kurt. You have neck problems, bro.

Angle flips over Henry and Henry decides to sit on Angle. Maggle tells us that the two men were in the Olympics together and Angle won gold where Henry won nothing. Angle goes to German suplex Henry onto the announcer’s table but Henry fights back. Submission city back in the ring as Angle beats on Mark’s leg. Henry knocks Angle down and has a wee stroll about the ring, walking off his sore knee.

Angle is on the floor and Henry hits him with a double axe handle smash to the back of his neck followed by a boot to the ribs. He then stands on Kurt’s chest because he’s an awful bastard. Tazz tells us that if your ribs are sore, your body hurts. Thanks for coming, Tazz. Little Naitch is having a go at Henry and we have camel clutch city. Mark Henry, of course, has never fucked a man nor made him humble, so it’s only a matter of time before Kurt is on his feet, fighting back. Henry lifts Angle for the World’s Strongest Slam that Angle counters into a DDT.

The two men trade blows in the middle of the ring and Angle ducks a punch to deliver a German suplex to Henry. Angle removes his singlet straps and hits Henry with an Olympic Slam. Two count. A two count for an Olympic Slam. What the fuck, boys? Henry gets him with a clothesline and gets a two-count of his own. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam and Angle gets the ankle for the Ankle Lock. Henry kicks Angle out and throws him onto the announcer’s table. He goes to frog splash Angle and Kurt rolls out of the way. Little Naitch is counting Angle out and reaches ten. Mark Henry wins by countout in 09:11.

2016 comments:

Angle is so good that he makes Mark Henry look good! Waste of a match. Bad feud.

2006 comments:

I’ll have another cup of tea, I guess.

Grade: D.

It’s a sad state of affairs when Kurt Angle gets anything less than an A rating from me. Henry stares Angle down for a moment and goes to get some heat by laying Angle on the table and beating on him. Angle fights back and goes for the steel chair. One shot to the knee, four to the body and Angle hits the Ankle Lock on Henry, who taps instantly, but Angle does not let go. There are six men dragging Angle from Henry. The crowd are baying for tables and Angle breaks free to Olympic Slam Henry onto the announcer’s table, but it does not break. Angle then cracks Henry with a brutal chair shot to the head. The World’s Strongest Man falls forward, finally bursting the announcer’s table to pieces. Bad show on Angle’s part. Head shots are bad stuff, Angle.

Booker T and his mad wife Sharmell are backstage. Sharmell says that Booker T will be a better King (of the Ring) than King Arthur, King Tut, King James, Don King, Martin Luther King and King Kong. It’s an odd promo and seems a bit orgasmic. Promo showing some older King of the Ring winners and the eight lads who went in for it: Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, Matt Hardy, Booker T, Fit Finlay, Chris Benoit, Mark Henry and Bobby Lashley. Angle had to forfeit after his frog splash from Mark Henry. Some Killswitch Engage plays to show Lashley antagonising Booker T.

This is the first KotR tournament since 2002, so these two men have a lot to fight for. Booker T comes out, seemingly hypnotised by the robe, sceptre, crown and throne. Sharmell is doing her queen wave. She’s a great woman. And she’s from Gary, Indiana, which I did not realise was a real place until just there now. Apparently the Jackson 5 were born there. Tazz is not choosing sides here, saying that King Booker sounds as good as King Lashley.

Straight-up shoot fact: Sharmell was Miss Black America in 1991, which, although wonderful, suffers from the double-whammy of being a beauty pageant and being for specifically black women, as if they are not American enough to be in the normal Miss America pageant. Not that either of them should exist because fuck Donald Trump.

Lashley comes down to his generic music. He looks the business. He’s like Ahmed Johnson, only you can understand what he’s saying. Lashley jumps into the ring and gets big pops from the crowd. Fair play to him. Sharmell isn’t happy about this. Bobby and Booker are face-to-face and Bobby tosses Booker across the ring when the match starts.

King of the Ring 2006 final: Booker T w/Sharmell def. Bobby Lashley via pinfall in 09:15.

Both Lashley and T are huge, by the way. Lashley is more defined than T, but they’re both massive lads and very intimidating in the ring. Lashley uses brute force to get T into the corner and holds him there for some time. T returns the favour and Lashely fights back with an explosive suplex and a two-count followed by another two-count followed by Lashley working Booker’s arm.

T is up and gets Lashley ready for a German suplex but Bobby counters and half-German’s T on his face. Lashley and T fight for a while until Bobby actually lifts Booker into the air and places him on the turnbuckle. T dodges the spear and Bobby falls outside, where he gets a smack by the steel ring steps. Booker stomps a mudhole in him and walks it dry. T works Bobby’s arm for a while off the ropes and goes for the pin but gets only a two-count. Some smart fucker in the front row is wearing a championship belt that is shining right into the hard cam. Cut to Tazz and Maggle sans table.

T gets a great spinny clothesline from Bobby Lashley and the two men are down. When they come up, Bobby is back in control. He is fast as fuck when he needs to be. He hits T with an inverted atomic drop and Sharmell is on the apron, dristracting the ref enough for Booker to hit Lashley with his heel. He goes for the Book End, misses it and as Lashley goes to the ropes, Sharmell grabs him. Booker T hits him with the superkick, followed by the Book End. Bobby catches a lariat, turns it into a running powerslam and gets only two counts.

This match has a good amount of near falls. Good stuff. Bobby gets Booker with the spear and Sharmell is in the ring, distracting the ref. In comes Finlay, cracking Bobby with the shillelagh and gives Booker enough time to get the pin in 09:15.

2016 comments:

Great match, screwy ending, no one goes over.

2006 comments:

I have never been more embarrassed to be Irish. Fuck you, Fit Finlay.

Grade: B.

Sharmell is celebrating and the crowd is booing and with good reason. Booker deserved to win, but he deserved to win clean. Sharmell crowns her king and Lashley spears him through the throne. Sharmell still places the crown on Booker, as if it has healing powers. Great stuff, actually. When Booker gets up, he groans, “My robe… my robe, baby,” and has it wrapped around him like a child. I love this stuff.

On the Card will return on June 4th with the third and final part of Judgment Day 2006.