Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Two good matches and the Boogeyman.

Promo for the Last Ride match and we see Undertaker vs. Kennedy for the first blood match. Teddy Long introduces the Last Ride match at a Smackdown. The hearse is being driven in and it drives without anyone behind the wheel. Undertaker bursts out and just appears everywhere – in a match, behind Kennedy, in a hearse etc. Blood falls on Kennedy. The entire thing is so corny and supernatural. It’s great.

The monks chant and Cunt JBL keeps telling us that he was in the first Last Ride match. Absolute shitehawk. Announcer Tony Chimel reminds us of the rules.

Kennedy appears, stares out the hearse and enters the ring, pulling the mic down and dropping a phat beat. I’m joking, he paces about and cuts a shit promo about how he’s going to defeat the Undertaker for the third time, which would be true if you count a DQ win and MVP interfering as a win each. He then says his own name and the crowd goes mild.

The crowd chants, “Rest in peace!” as the bell tolls, signalling the Undertaker’s three-hour-long walk to the ring. Cole and Cunt JBL consider what Kennedy might be thinking as the Undertaker walks towards him. He’s probably shitting himself, to be fair. I would. Big Red is scary as fuck. Cunt JBL keeps reminding us he fought the Undertaker a few times. They tell us that it doesn’t get much better than this, which is watching two men get ready to fight. Kennedy moves into the ring hesitantly and the bell finally rings.

Last Ride match: The Undertaker def. Mr. Kennedy via Sunday drive in 19:08.

Taker moves to Kennedy like an MMA fighter, far faster than a Dead Man should move. Kennedy is caught in the corner and beats Kennedy down, knocking him out of the ring and throwing him into the steel steps before tossing him onto the Spanish Announcer’s table. Taker tosses Kennedy onto the apron – which we must remember, is the hardest part of the ring – and rolls him back between the ropes. Kenny is beat in the corner and Taker gives Kennedy a Flair chop. Taker goes to give Kennedy the jumping boot but Kennedy dodges out of the way, tossing Taker out. Kennedy launches himself off the apron but is caught in mid-air by Taker, who drives him into the ring post.

Taker carries Kennedy out of the ring to the hearse but Kennedy fights back, pushing Taker into the back of the car repeatedly, delivering strikes to the Phenom’s face, opening the back of the hearse and shoving Taker in. They both are half inside the hearse yet the door will not close. Taker bursts out, gives Kennedy a high knee and as he tries to crawl away, Taker drags him back over the barricade and into the steel steps. Lots of head shots so far, no one is bust. Taker gives Kennedy a lovely boot to the head followed by a leg drop off the apron onto Kennedy’s neck. Undertaker is taking over now, stalking Kennedy and causing pain the entire time.

Taker pops Kennedy up onto the top rope and sets up a superplex, which Kennedy lands on his arse. Taker sits up almost instantly. Kennedy is tossed over the top rope and as Taker is carrying him, Kennedy hits on the rear naked choke. Both men fall to the floor and have a little chat. After the shortest sleeper in the world, Undertaker is “out cold”. Kennedy drags him to the hearse, throws him in and closes the door! But the match isn’t over yet! Kennedy has to drive the hearse out of the arena. He opens the door and Undertaker is there, in the seat! He throws Kennedy into the ring post again and then into the timekeeper’s area. Taker removes the monitors from the announcer’s take but Kennedy fights back with a steel chair, delivering shots to Taker’s ribs.

In the ring, Kennedy hits Taker in the back, goes for a second, reconsiders and hits Taker in the skull twice. Taker just sits up. What a guy. Kennedy runs to the hearse, slips past and goes backstage. Kennedy tries to scale the castle set and Taker is after him. Taker punches Kennedy and Kennedy punches back. They are high up, legit maybe 20-30 feet. Undertaker calls for the chokeslam but is denied and Kennedy tosses him off onto a mattress below. Kennedy is watching, descends the ladder as Little Naitch tells Kennedy to give Taker a moment. Kennedy does not, and goes to open the hearse, returns for Taker and begins to drag Taker to the back of the vehicle.

Kennedy laboriously tosses Undertaker into the back of the hearse and gets into the driver’s seat. Crappy camera from inside the hearse shows Taker sitting up and dragging Kennedy into the back of the hearse. Both men fall out of the back of the hearse and Taker has his wind back, beating on Kennedy, picking up a chair and hitting Kennedy with it. He gets a steel pipe and misses Kennedy, putting it through the window of the hearse instead. Steel chair to Kennedy and he’s bust, having bladed at some point in the last minute. Taker tosses Kennedy up on top of the hearse and calls for the chokeslam, landing Kennedy on the roof of the hearse. Undertaker calls for the Tombstone and hits it.

Kennedy is thrown off the hearse and Taker opens the back of the vehicle, covered in glass. Taker throws Kennedy inside, starts it up, revs the engine and drives out, winning the match in 19:08.

2016 comments:

In terms of gimmick matches, it wasn’t bad. Undertaker must be the most gimmicked-up wrestler of all time but he’s not great at using the gimmick in the match. The hearse was only used for a handful of spots with the rest of it being ring-based.

2006 comments:

Apparently Cunt JBL was once in a match with the Undertaker.

Grade: B

Both announcers get the match we just watched over as if we weren’t already excited for it.

Backstage, Booker and Finlay have a wee chat. Finlay reassures Booker that they are a team. Booker suggests that the pair of them go out and not be pricks for a change. Queen Sharmell agrees. Finlay does a shite southern accent and then slags Sharmell.

In the arena, it’s Big Dick Johnson dressed as Santa Claus, throwing sweets to the kids. Little children in the audience look on expectantly, yet receive naught. Santa gets the mic and drops a promo about this Naughty and Nice Lingerie shite. Fantastic. Very family friendly. Fuck this.

Kristal comes out first, wearing a silken red gown.

Layla El comes out, wearing a silken pink down.

Jillian comes out, wearing a silken light pink gown.

Ashley comes out, wearing a silken black gown. Of course she is.

Santa tells us that the contest will work like this: each lady will come up, take off their robe and model their lingerie. Kristal is first and she walks for about ten seconds. Shit. Layla does the same but with high kicks this time. Same music, though. Her dance lasts forever. Jillian does it, having little to no charisma and removes her bra to show another bra below with peppermint candies. She touches her tits. Ashley goes up, does the same as everyone else. The announcers big up the fact that Ashley was on Playboy. She attempts to remove her skirt and that takes a bit more time than it should. Finally, Santa points at each Diva, looking for cheers. Kristal gets boos, Layla gets a big pop, Jillian gets boos and Ashley gets a rapturous pop. Santa reveals that everyone is the winner. Shit.

Santa tells us to hit the music and reveals that it’s Big Dick Johnson! He dances, everyone is disgusted and they take forever to leave the ring. It’s depressing.

Promo for the third main event, Batista and Cena against Booker and Finlay. We see the teams fight one another and the question of whether or not they can coexist is asked repeatedly. For the first time ever, two world champions are on the same team, though neither title is on the line.

Back in the arena, King Booker starts his slow crawl to the ring with his shite music and mental wife telling us to hail him. She is saying it a little faster than usual, however, and he seems to be walking at a snail’s pace as opposed to a glacier’s. Fair play to the pair of them. Sharmell shouts at members of the crowd. They give her the finger. A little respect for the woman. Booker is holding his hands at five to two.

Finlay comes down. Little pomp and circumstance with this boy. He has his shillelagh and that’s enough, I suppose. Booker and Finlay shake hands.

Big John Cena’s music hits and the time is up, the time is now, you can’t see him, but he’s there, in plain sight. Tony Chimel completely destroys the, “Jeeeeeeaaaaaaahn Cena!” roar. Cena doesn’t enter the ring.

Batista’s music hits and down he comes, all pumped up and full of cocaine and piss and vinegar and testosterone and steroids. He hits his gun pyro and the crowd is pumped for this. Finally the faces enter the ring and pose. Cena throws the hat hella far. It’s an impressive distance, I tell you what.

John Cena and Batista def. Finlay and King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pin in 11:29.

The bell goes but the boys just stand in the ring for a while, trying to remember how to start a main event that is a wet fart. Do we want to see these superstars? Yes, of course. Do we want to see a tag match? No.

Cena and Booker chat in the corner and a lovely hip toss is followed by another chat in the corner. Cena hits a lovely arm drag and tags in Batista to little applause. Finlay comes in and the two weakest competitors square off. Big headlock from Batista followed by shoulder barges forces Finlay up to Bret’s rope, where he is caught by Batista, dropped, slapped and put into a catapult and gets double knees in the back. Batista hits the Muscle Buster on Finlay, which is nice, but gets nothing in the pin.

Booker is tagged in and the pair circle each other. The crowd chant for Batista, and the announcers remind us that Booker and Batista have fought over the belt in the past. Very vague, lads. Cena is tagged in and the crowd boo for him until Booker gets the upper hand, hitting Cena with an awkward kick to the jaw. Cena hits a lovely bulldog followed by a spin-out powerbomb into Five Knuckle Shuffle. He lifts Booker for the FU, fails, gets a drop-toe hold into STFU. Christ, he is hitting all of his damn finishers. Sharmell slips Booker the sceptre and he uses it to hit Cena in the throat while the ref’s back is turned. Booker hits the superkick but fails to get the three.

Finlay is in now and holding John’s neck in a lovely hug. The crowd chant, “Let’s go Cena,” but there is no, “Cena sucks,” afterwards. How odd. Then in comes Little Bastard-slash-Hornswaggle, who goes to kick Cena, misses, kicks himself in the head, rolls out of the ring and Booker and Cena hug in response. A sign in the crowd tells us that Michael Cole Sucks. This sign is quickly removed and – I assume – taken by the ushers. Cena is searching for Batista, but cannot find him. He hits the hot tag and Batista is in, hitting the powerslam to Finlay, the spear to Booker, the spear to Finlay, runs out of steam and is caught by Finlay but ducks the superkick. He attempts the powerbomb, is stopped by Finlay and Cena comes in to take care of bidness.

Finlay cracks Batista on the back with a steel chair as Sharmell distracts the ref. Batista no-sells it, knocks Finlay out, hits the spinebuster, the Batista bomb and gets the pin in 11:29.

2016 comments:

Nothing match. No storyline, no tension, just faces being faces and heels being heels. I wouldn’t normally be annoyed except this is the main event. This is a Smackdown match.

2006 comments:

Who cares who won? Nothing was on the line.

Grade: C

Cena and Batista celebrate in what is a mid-card bout presented as a main event match to please the little boys and girls. This was a nothing match and a crappy end to the PPV as both faces hug each other and both heels shake their fists and grumble. Cunt JBL recounts the main bouts – Inferno, Last Ride, Diva’s Lingerie, Cena/Batista. One of those things is not like the other, boys.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I can’t give it to anyone other than Joey Mercury.

Woman of the Matches: Queen Sharmell. And she was only on screen for about ten seconds.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Joey Mercury.

Best Spot: Although botched, the leg-drop-to-ladder-shot that damn near killed Joey Mercury.

Hatches: Vladimir Kozlov and Scotty 2 Hotty, Dave Taylor, The Boogeyman, The Miz as an in-ring competitor, Jimmy Wang Yang.

Matches: Paul London and Brian Kendrick retain their WWE Tag Team Championship, [REDACTED] Benoit retains his WWE United States Championship, Gregory Helms retains his WWE Cruiserweight Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: A filler PPV that suffers from some of the same issues that ECW December to Dismember suffered from – bad booking, coming in shortly after another PPV and a nothing main event – or triple main event, if you believe that shite. We are truly within the darkest timeline.

On the Card will return on January 7 2017 with the Raw PPV New Year’s Revolution 2007.

Advertisements

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: A well-choreographed Inferno match and one of the worst injuries so far.

Kristal is wearing less clothes backstage. Cunt JBL drops a shitty quote, “Somebody call the fire marshal… she’s smokin’!”

Out comes The Miz, way before he could actually wrassle. He gets the mic and puts over the next match: Miz vs. Boogeyman. Cunt JBL speaks over The Miz.

The Boogeyman comes out and Miz looks actually scared. Cunt JBL calls Miz Red Rooster, which is funny. Out comes the Boogeyman, crawling and eating worms and carrying about a damn clock and so on and so forth. Big stick of smoke and pyro. Boogeyman could be over if he weren’t so damn bad at wrestling.

The Boogeyman def. The Miz via pin in 02:51.

Let’s get this piss break over with.

Boogeyman moves towards the Miz, spitting out worms and being weird. Boogeyman crawls backwards and pulls Miz in by his hair. Boogeyman beats on Miz as Cole tells us that MVP has been brought to a burn unit – potentially fake story – and Miz almost pins Boogey but our worm-eating friend fights back. Worms fall on the ground and Cole tells us that Mercury has a broken nose and is in hospital. Boogeyman hits the falling chokebomb and gets the pin in 2:51.

2016 comments:

Fuck the Miz.

2006 comments:

Fuck the Boogeyman.

Grade: F

Boogeyman pits worms into Miz’s mouth and runs out of the ring. Replays of the incident which I did not watch because they are disgusting. Cunt JBL sandbags the entire thing.

Backstage, Layla and Jillian Hall wear little clothes.

Cut to Chavo and Vicky. Vicky has a neck brace. The pair of them call [REDACTED] Benoit less than a real man. We see a flashback of Survivor Series as Benoit gets pushed into Vicky.

Chavo’s music hits and he comes out with Vicky, pointing at the crowd for a while. Vicky is described as being his business manager. Vicky keeps holding the neck brace, as if afraid it might fall off.

Benoit’s music hits and down comes Roidy Magoo himself, the [REDACTED] Wolverine. He’s the Us Champion despite being Canuck. The greatest betrayal. Chavo attacks him, starting the match.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero via submission in 12:14.

Chavo is getting Benoit into the corner and the two men have a fast-paced battle, quick snap suplex and a massive backdrop from Benoit. Still smoke in the arena, though, and a huge back body drop rocks the arena. Benoit attempts the Sharpshooter and catapults Chavo out of the ring. Big “Woo!”s from the crowd after a Flair chop. They then chant, “Let’s go, Benoit!” and he replies with lovely triple German suplexes. Benoit goes to the top rope but Chavo is up and hitting Benoit, making him fall onto the turnbuckle. Benoit gives Chavo a bunch of headbutts and finally Chavo gives him a monstrous superplex. Both men have a wee lie down.

Chavo is up first and laying boots into Benoit, taking over and throwing Benoit into the turnbuckle. Vicky claps on as Chavo wraps Benoit around the turnbuckle and baseball slides him in the bum. Chavo goes for the pin but gets naught so gives Benoit a wee boot in the back. Benoit fights back with Flair chops. Chavo gives Benoit a Camel Clutch, breaks back, makes humble. Both men have a lovely sit for some time until Benoit gets to his feet, attempts a back drop and Chavo reverses it into a pin. Great lad. Chavo then chokes Benoit on the bottom rope. Chavo goes for a punch but Benoit grabs his arm, desperate for the Crossface but gets nothing. Benoit is trying to get to his feet but gets a bunch of shots to the back for his effort. Chavo hits a lovely side backdrop and another to big boos.

Chavo lifts Benoit to the top rope and sets Benoit into the tree of woe. A dropkick followed by a missed baseball slide makes Chavo hit his balls on the turnbuckle. Chavo lifts Benoit for the Electric Chair but Benoit escapes. Chavo goes to hit multiple suplexes but Benoit escapes and hits eight German suplexes in a row. Standing ovation from the crowd. Benoit goes for the pin but Chavo’s leg is on the bottom rope. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and Vicky grabs the US Title. Benoit tells her, “Don’t do it!” and releases the Sharpshooter to apply one on her. Benoit delays, is rolled up by Chavo, who pulls on the tights. Benoit rolls through, hits the Sharpshooter and gets the submission in 12:14.

2016 comments:

An okay match with some lovely actual wrestling, but the introduction of Vicky ruined it.

2006 comments:

I’m quite happy Vicky’s tits didn’t pop out.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL is a cunt and Ashley is wearing hardly any clothes backstage. Guff.

Out comes my boy Hurricane Shane Gregory Helms. He is the WWE Cruiserweight Champion and he is the longest reigning champion of its name and in Smackdown history, reputedly.

Yee-haw! It’s Jimmy Wang Yang, the Resident Redneck, with his leathers and shit. He has a great handlebar moustache as well. Christ, that’s some great facial hair your man has. Greg has a great beard too, as does the ref. Amazing.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship match: Gregory Helms (c) def. Jimmy Wang Yang via pin in 10:51.

Cunt JBL hates Jimmy, which means he must be the comedy face. Helms gets all serious and there’s some lovely matwork from the pain, including a great kip-up from Jimmy. Helms slaps Jimmy and the redneck takes over, though Jimmy hits a great backflip, landing on his feet as Helms escapes from the ring like a big old coward. Back in the ring, Jimmy slides under Helms and delivers a lovely head scissors followed by a fantastic suplex but fails to get the pin.

Jimmy is in control and bumping like a boss as he flies over the top rope after a failed run to the corner and is rolled in by Helms for a failed pin. Helms guillotines Jimmy and hits a lovely snapmare and leg drop. Helms gets Jimmy in a nice little headlock and follows it up with a punch to the beak. Some gobshite in the audience seems to have stolen the belt but Helms cares not. Another pin and Helms is getting angry. Jimmy fights back, tosses Helms over the top rope and hits a lovely cross-body from the turnbuckle to the outside. Helms quickly takes over and gives Jimmy a bunch of chokes followed by a crossface as Cole and Cunt JBL discuss Wang Yang, Ying Yang and other racist things. Jimmy hits a bunch of strikes on Helms followed by a back body drop, a spinning back kick in the corner, dropkick from the top rope and Helms is still in it.

Helms dives out of the corner and Jimmy is down. Helms takes over, going to the top rope and hitting a super swinging neckbreaker. Cunt JBL checks the crowd chanting, “Boring!” like a fucking smark. Helms is bust on his lip and goes to the top rope but Jimmy catches him mid-air with a spinning heel kick. Helms kicks out. Jimmy can’t believe it. Helms and Jimmy go to the top rope. Helms is down. Jimmy attempts the corkscrew moonsault, Yang Time, but Helms rolls away and hits a double knee facebreaker for the win in 10:51.

2016 comments:

It was the piss-break match before two-thirds of the main event, but I really liked it and I fucking loved Jimmy Wang Yang. He seemed like a good, solid performer and didn’t botch.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Jimmy Wang Yang was suspended from the Fed in 2008 for testing positive for cocaine, which he partook of during his birthday.

2006 comments:

Is this gimmick racist? Wrestling is normally about ten or fifteen years behind the curve but I don’t know if this still would have been cool in 1991.

Grade: B

Big blob of blood falls from Helm’s mouth and Helms has won, retaining his championship. We see replays of the end of the match.

On the Card will return on December 31 2016 with the third and final part of Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 1

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon – December 17, 2006.

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on December 17, 2006, the seventh Armageddon aired. It was a SmackDown! PPV, the first of its kind since No Mercy in October. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Armageddon 2006

The End… Is Only The Beginning

Oh yeah. That’s a tagline and a half. Seems like a movie tagline. Oh, it’s good. I like it. Ten out of ten. The cover has Batista dressed up like one of the Road Warriors or something. Very snazzy.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, there is – would you believe it – a biblical promo package which defines the word “Armageddon”. We see the MVP vs Kane Inferno Match which involves one opponent setting the other on fire. Then there’s a bible verse and a promo for the Last Ride match where Undertaker and Kennedy fight to throw the other into a hearse. Another definition and we see the team of Batista and Cena get ready to fight Booker T and Finlay. It’s a triple main event! Which, of course, means no mean event. Of course, one of these main events takes place… first. Huh.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Vladimir Kozlov and Scotty 2 Hotty. Yeah, of Too Cool fame.)

Big pyro and we are told that the end is here. Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL invite us to the Richmond Coliseum in Richmond, Virginia, for the final PPV of 2006. A measly 8,200 people in attendance with a total of $423,500 in ticket sales at the door. Total PPV buys of 239,000, which is down from the 320,000 in 2005. JBL talks about the Inferno match but who gives a fuck because there’s a green-haired kid standing behind my boys, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera, who actually chat for ages before Tony Chimel interrupts them.

MVP’s music hits and out comes the man himself, who has even more pyro behind him as he enters the arena. Around the ring, there is an odd contraption that the flames roll from. As he walks about the ring, the flames shake scarily. We see a promo for MVP as he jobs out boys left and right. He was desperate for competition and got our boy Kane. MVP kicked Kane in the balls and Teddy Long, upset with this, made the inferno match. Kane racks up losses to MVP Kane is livid. We have a flashback to the first Inferno match with masked Kane.

Back in the arena, the air is thick with smoke already. It is about to be roasting up in there. Big pyro from Kane and he comes down with the worst theme tune he had since the start of his career. He raises his hands and the flame contraption burns higher. What a lad. JBL calls him a bastard. Fuck off, JBL. The flames burn higher and the bell rings as MVP falls to his knees.

Inferno Match: Kane def. MVP via combustion in 22:33.

Well, let’s get into this piece of shit quickly. Kane hits the big boot, throws MVP into the corner and the crowd apparently cheer and ooh and aah as MVP climbs to the corner and regrets it. Each big bump makes the flames burn higher. MVP crawls about and is beaten down. Kane gets MVP into the corner and is about to hit the superplex when MVP fights back, flames jumping. MVP throws Kane down, but he just sits up. Michael Cole reminds us that the competitors cannot leave the ring. Kane calls for the chokeslam and the flames burst. Cole then calls them, “the exclamation point.” Yes, Cole. We got it.

Kane removes the turnbuckle covering and leans over the flames to set it alight. As Kane goes to hit MVP, he drops the cover. MVP lands on it briefly, but quickly takes and chucks it out to safety. Kane has MVP in the corner and beats him without mercy. He who is without mercy now pleads for it. Lovely Bossman Slam from Kane. Cunt JBL speaks for a while though no man cares.

Kane shouts at MVP in the corner and gets a punch for  his efforts. MVP goes to the top rope and is pushed off onto the floor. Kane then goes to the top rope and actually jumps! The two men fight and struggle to push the other into the flames. Why does Kane like fire so much? He was burned as a child! Crazy stuff. Kane has the hand on MVP’s throat and pushes MVP into the flames, burning his arse where he has fire-retardant pants on, giving Kane the win in 8:14.

2016 comments:

I was thinking it was going to be a shitshow, but it was actually good. The whole gimmick of an Inferno match requires that the wrestlers be a bit more careful with one another, and they were. The entire piece was a well-rehearsed piece of very dangerous theatre and because there was a clear and present danger there with the flames, the audience were rapt, knowing that at any point, one of the two of them could be hurt.

2006 comments:

Did you see your man’s arse get set on fire?

Grade: B

MVP runs up the aisle before men with fire extinguishers put him out. It’s actually pretty fucking awesome. We see replays. It’s fun. Cunt JBL gives off that no human being should be set on fire… he seems to forget about his time as a crucifier back in the day.

Cut to the ladies in Teddy’s room. We have Forgettable Girl 1-4 and Teddy Long. Teddy tells them that there’s going to be a Naughty or Nice lingerie contest. Who gives a fuck?

Back in the arena, Cunt JBL ruins the craic.

The tag team champs appear first, sliding out and getting little applause. Regal and Taylor soon follow. Dave Taylor looks to be at least one hundred years old. Teddy Long comes out and tells all the players that there will be a Lingerie contest. No cunt cares. He then informs everyone that the tag match will be a ladder match… and some ladders appear, as if to punctuate the sentence. He then reveals that two teams have been added to the match: MNM (with Melina), who are apparently back together; and The Hardys, who the crowd are already clamouring for. When the two daredevils come out, the crowd go bananas. The Hardys pose for a while before the bell rings

Ladder Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c) def. William Regal and Dave Taylor, MNM (w/ Melina) and The Hardys via ascension in 20:13.

The matchup is underway and already there’s a schmoz. Everyone is chucked out except London, Kendrick and the Hardys. London (white pants) gets a jawbreaker and the Hardys hit a lovely swinging backdrop on Kendrick. Regal, Taylor and MNM come back in, desperate to slow the match down to a crawl. Regal and Taylor aren’t really known for their skill in a ladder match but if they’re rough enough, it shouldn’t matter.

This match is so hectic and hard to write about, I’m just going to hit the big spots. Lovely Poetry in Motion in the corner followed by a Snapshot. All four teams are in the ring now as well as three ladders. Jeff doesn’t know what to be doing with himself. Kendrick and London are thrown out, leaving only the Hardys. Matt Irish Whips Kendrick into the corner where Jeff waits with a ladder to throw it into his face. Nitro jumps into the ring and misses the ladder. Joey Mercury has the ladder, goes up it and is inches away from winning when Hardys and Kendrick/London lift the ladder up and toss him into Nitro on the outside.

Hardys set up a ladder in the corner and whip Kendrick, then London into it. Attempt at Poetry in Motion but London moves. Double suplex from London and Kendrick to Matt. Matt tosses London off the ladder and then does the same to Kendrick. On the outside, the other two teams fight but no one cares. Matt goes to suplex London but he fights back. Matt falls onto the ladder and Kendrick stops him from the turnbuckle. MNM hit the double gutbuster on London and the pace slows as the two men set up the ladders for a superplex spot onto a ladder. Jeff is top rope and Matt helps him fight off MNM. Jeff jumps onto the ladder and, like a see-saw, one end propels upwards, cracking Joey Mercury with a legit injury to the face.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Although we have seen many legit injuries on this blog – some serious and some superficial and many more self-inflicted – this one is legit dangerous and could have ended far worse for our boy Mercury. He received five stitches on the inside of his nost and fifteen on the outside of his nose and cheek. His eye swelled shut pretty much instantly and he received four fractures on the inside of his nose including his orbital bone.

Like a tap, blood streams from our man Mercury. He is crawling backstage as the match continues, the camera moving back and forth when necessary. In the ring, the action never stops. A replay shows the ladder hitting Joey, his body remaining static and his head moving unnaturally from the force of the shot. Christ of almighty. This is wrestling, I suppose.

Taylor tosses Kendrick onto a ladder and Regal German suplexes London onto it. The crowd cheer for the Hardys as Regal rises up the ladder. He stops, terrified of heights and Taylor takes his place. Great storytelling here. If Regal goes to the top rope and then steps down because of his vertigo, this would be perfect. Jeff brings another ladder in as Matt hits two Twist of Fates on Taylor and Regal. Just as Jeff is about to jump, Nitro baseball slides the ladder, knocking Jeff off. Nitro has the ladder and bulldogs it onto Regal. Cunt JBL says that he now likes MNM. He’s still a cunt, but now a gloryhunting cunt. A glorycunter.

Nitro goes to the top of the ladder and London dropkicks him. Matt goes up a ladder and tosses boys off left and right. We have London vs. Matt at the top of a ladder, inches from the belt. Matt gives him the back body drop and Jeff appears with a ladder, climbing but too far away from the belts. Jeff sunset flips him, hitting a powerbomb and essentially legdropping the canvases. Matt sets up two ladders and Regal and Taylor move them apart, wishboning him. The two powerhouses set up the ladder to great boos. Regal goes a bit higher, overcoming his fear of heights, and Kenrick is up, punching at Regal until Taylor drags him off. Kendrick attempts the Shiranui and does not land it. Potential botch two of the night.

London is dragging himself towards the middle of the ring. Matt Hardy is back in, and London just… gets the belts in 20:13.

2016 comments:

Great match except for the beginning and the end. The teams were great at parts, but, the parts did not mesh together as well as they should have.

2006 comments:

If Mick were in the match, it would have been best match.

Grade: A

The winners celebrate, the losers go to the hospital and we see Joey Mercury’s face erupt.

On the Card will return on December 24 2016 with the second part of Armageddon 2006.