Attitude Era #7. In Your House 12: It’s Time (Dec 15, 1996) Part 5

Previously on On the Card: Undertaker tears the house down in a crap match.

Backstage, Dok Hendrix is speaking to Bret “The Shitman” Hart, as Stone Cold calls him. Dok reminds us of the fight that Bret had against Sid this morning on Superstars where Shawn Michaels, Bret and Sid had a roshambo outside the arena.

Shawn’s music hits, interrupting Bret’s interview. Bret shouts over the music and walks off. Some real heat there between the pair of them. Don’t worry, Bret, it will only be eleven months until you’ll be free from Shawn for some time. Shawn does his pose mid-ring, which is nice of him. He touches some fans, clearly destroyed on his drugs. Vince tells Shawn that it is loud in the arena and only due to get louder when Bret arrives. Shawn says, “It doesn’t get much louder than when HBK is about.”

Bret’s music hits and the crowd goes mild. After Shawn’s entrance, they find it hard to psyche up. Pyro goes off, Shawn bounces about the ring and finally people chant his name. Bret gives his shades to the kids as Shawn rambles on. The boy is strung out. He’s a bit embarrassing, actually, especially when he can’t put two words together.

Sycho Sid’s music hits. I love Sid. He’s charismatic as fuck. He probably loves his cocaine as well. He’s punching fists left and right. Shawn calls him, “The WWF’s most expensive piece of luggage.” Christ, Shawn. Sid’s pyro hits, spelling his name, which is Sid. The crowd isn’t as excited for Sid at this point, but they’re all cheered out by this point, probably. Shawn is rambling on. Why doesn’t Vince cut him off? Because money.

Before the bell goes, Bret attacks Sid with his back turned! Just like earlier today! By God!

WWF Championship Match: Sycho Sid (c) def. Bret “The Hitman” Hart via pin in 17:03.

Bret beats on Sid in the corner and gives him a fierce headbutt before moving to the other turnbuckle and being countered. Sid takes over, kicking Bret mercilessly and hitting a body drop on him. Lovely kick to the face and Sid stomps on Bret for a bit. Irish whip and Sid ducks but Bret sees it a mile off, dragging Sid’s eyes on the ropes. Bret hits the knee drop, goes for the headbutt to Sid’s balls and the pair trade punches, which Sid wins. Bret runs outside, around the ring and back in but Sid catches him, shouts at the crowd and gets told off by Earl Hebner, who, as we all saw earlier, will push a wrestler if he needs to.

Back in the ring, Sid is beated by Bret, who he tosses over the top rope. Sid batters Bret against the barricade, removes the protective padding for the second time the night and is about to hit the powerbomb when Bret fights back, charging Sid into the steel ring post. It takes a lot out of him, however, and Bret rolls him in, goes to his own rope and ropes the double axe handle onto Sid’s back. Shawn is in one half of the screen and bigging up the Sharpshooter. Rest hold and chin lock city as Sid has a wee lie down. Irish whip into the corner followed by a lovely snapmare. Bret lays into Sid’s ribs and then gets some more chinlocks, because why not? Another side-by-side shot of Shawn and the action. He is unable to keep still while talking.

Bret goes straight to the turnbuckle and removes the padding, exposing the steel. Isn’t that a heel move? Isn’t that the mnemonic? Heels use steel? Faces use… stfaces? Sid stops his hard head hitting the steel ring and is knocked back. Pin attempt by Bret followed by a Russian Leg Sweep, another pin attempt, a suplex and a jump to the second rope and a double axe handle with another pin attempt. Vince wonders what you need to do to defeat Sid? Maybe something bigger than a double axe handle smash. Bret goes to his rope, Sid tosses him off, gives him a big boot and finally he’s in charge once again. Lovely powerslam by Sid onto Bret and Shawn points out that “Sid hooked the leg… every now and again, the big man will surprise you.”

Sid takes over, going for a pin after a clothesline. He misses the leg drop and Bret goes for the Sharpshooter, but Sid fights back. Then Stone Cold comes out for the third time this PPV. Then Owen Hart, King of Farts turns up with Bulldog and drag him back. Bret’s knee is hurt and Jr says that Stone Cold’s new ally is Sid, even though Sid doesn’t seem to know that Bret is hurt. He almost seems offended that Stone Cold would do that. The gall of him! Cheeky Texas Rattlesnake!

Sid gets Bret into a shoulderbreaker and Bret falls off his shoulder, tries to throw Bret into the corner but Sid botches the toss into the corner so tries again. This time, Bret’s head hits the exposed turnbuckle face-first. It’s an awful embarrassment. Sid chokeslams Bret to a big applause. Big pin and Bret kicks out. The crowd explodes. Michaels puts Bret over and Sid goes to clothesline Bret but the Hitman tosses them both over. Bret steals Shawn’s chair but before he can use it, Sid knocks him down. Bret, Shawn and Sid are standing near each other and Sid pushes Shawn down. Michaels goes to the apron and Sid Irish whips Bret into Shawn, hits the powerbomb and the pin in 17:03.

2016 comments:

Good ending, but slow, plodding match due to Sid’s lack of cardio. The Shawn bits seemed tacked on.

1996 comments:

Is Shawn Michaels on The Weed?

Grade: B

Shawn rolls on the floor as Sid celebrates, going to the top rope with his WWF Championship. Both Bret and Shawn sell their “injuries” from the head bump and Bret has a legit bloody nose. Bret beats on Shawn, pulls on his shirt like a hockey player and the referees have to break up the fight, seing Bret to the back. Sid stands over them both, still the champion. Shawn runs backstage, angry and shouting at fans. Replays of the head bump, powerbomb and pin end the PPV as Sid slowly walks down the ramp. Shawn shouts into an unworking mic.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I wasn’t too impressed with anyone here other than Leif Cassidy and Flash Funk. Considering both of their records within the Fed, I’d like to give it to both.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV… other than Sable, but I forgot about her until right now.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Leif Cassidy and Flash Funk.

Best Spot: Flash Funk’s moonsault to the outside.

Hatches: The Executioner as a competitor.

Matches: Owen Hart and The British Bulldog retain their Tag Team Championship, Hunter Hearst Helmsley retains his Intercontinental Championship and Sycho Sid retains his WWF Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: A real let down after Survivor Series, but it was clear that they were saving their best matches for the Rumble the next month.

On the Card will return on January 19 2017 with the Royal Rumble 1997.

Attitude Era #7. In Your House 12: It’s Time (Dec 15, 1996) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Mero botches constantly and Sable can’t keep time.

Backstage, Dok Hendrix is speaking to Sycho Sid, wearing a wee baseball cap over his curly blonde Jew Fro. Sid cuts a mental whispery-shouty promo where he laughs, then is serious again. He’s like a proto-Joker but with more teeth. I can’t hear a damn word he’s saying but who cares? It’s Sid.

Back in the arena, Terry Gordy The Executioner is coming to the ring with our boy P-Bizzle.

But to a promo where we see Taker get backstabbed by Paul, Executioner and Mankind. The burial of the Undertaker was a symbolic one, where he was reborn as a legit demon or whatever.

This match is an Armageddon Rules match, where there are no disqualifications, no countouts and even a pinfall or submission is followed by ten seconds where a defeated wrestler may continue the match. So it’s basically a “this isn’t even my final form” match.

Taker has the fastest entrance of his career as he just comes out, walks into the ring and takes off his gear before being on the Executioner.

Armageddon Rules Match: The Undertaker def. The Executioner (w/ Paul Bearer) via pinfall and ten-count in 11:31.

Undertaker has makeup on that makes him look like he is frowning. He takes over instantly, rocking Executioner back and forth with back-body drops and throws. Executioner counters one Irish whip but gets a big boot in the face for his effort. JR says, “Have you ever had a friend turn his back on you? It’s heartbreaking.” Vince agrees. Jerry then says, “Have you ever had a friend…” and Vince gives off to him.

Undertaker has old Terry Gordy in the corner and is beating on him. He slowly strolls to the other side of the ring, gives Paul a dirty look and then charges into Executioner, misses, but wins him over once again, but misses his elbow drop. Undertaker is tossed out where Paul bops him in the back of the head with the urn. Big Red is showing his roots as Terry tosses him about. Undertaker takes over, reveals the concrete floor of the arena and is about to Tombstone him onto it when Mankind appears and he and Executioner double team Taker. It’s okay though because he sits right up after being knocked to the ground. What a guy.

Taker beats on the two cowardly heels and they move backwards to the locker room at a pleasant rate. They are outside the false house, walking over the astroturf when Taker chucks Mankind into the house, tearing down the front window. They disappear for a while until Mankind explodes through the door. Paul Bearer passes in front of the camera, wailing, “Mankind! Mankind!” Terry finally wins over Big Red and drags him back to the ring as the crowd chant, “Rest in peace!”

Undertaker beats on both Mankind and Executioner. Some officials in lovely turquoise shirts spray mace into Mankind’s face and Undertaker drags Executioner backstage to beat upon him in the lobby. Executioner is running for his life and making his way out of the arena, followed by fans. Back in the arena, the turquoise people finally get a straightjacket onto Mankind and he stumbles about, being corralled like a wild animal. Out comes Gorilla Monsoon and we cut to the outside of the arena where Undertaker knocks the Executioner into the filthy water of what appears to be the Atlantic Ocean.

Undertaker walks back to the ring, dipping his head as he walks through a door (the boy is super tall) and attacks poor, defenceless Mankind in his straightjacket. Reminds me of Thrill Kill, remember that game? It didn’t really exist, it was stopped in development for being too violent and changed into the Wu-Tang game Taste the Pain.

Executioner arrives. Apparently it wasn’t the Atlantic Ocean, it was just a huge fountain. Undertaker instantly Tombstones him, McMahon asks us to forget about it and the ref starts the ten-count. It is a fast ten-count and The Undertaker wins in 11:31.

2016 comments:

Not very good by anyone’s standards. It seems, like so many of Undertaker’s gimmick matches recently – Boiler Room Brawl, Casket Match, Buried Alive Match – to be based around one or two big spots and stretched for too long.

1996 comments:

How did the Executioner survive landing in American waters?

Grade: C

Big dyed Red, the Undertaker celebrates with barely-restrained frustration. Paul Bearer hides within the false house as Taker walks slowly towards him.

On the Card will return on January 12 with the fifth and final part of In Your House 12: It’s Time 1996.

Attitude Era #7. In Your House 12: It’s Time (Dec 15, 1996) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Fake Diesel! Owen Hart, King of Farts!

Cut to promo for HHH and references to his stock portfolio and aristocracy. We see the noble savage of Wildman Marc Mero and how their first fight came over a woman: Sable. Then we see Mr. Perfect being used as a pawn in the game to get the Intercontinental Championship as Perfect allied himself with Mero before stabbing him in the back. Then Trips stabbed Perfect in the back. And it’s all sponsored by Karate Fighters.

Sable and Mero come out to his mental Warrior pyro. JR tells us that the next time they’re going to be on the PPV is at the Alamo, where Billy Gunn and Road Dogg will be meeting Paul Levesque.

And out he comes to Ode to Joy! So he’s pro-EU is he? Nice one. Earl Hebner is there, too. JR asks if HHH and McMahon are neighbours in Greenwich, Connecticut. The bell rings as a zeppelin with the Karate Fighters logo upon it threats to wipe out the entire crowd. Oh, the humanity.

WWF Intercontinental Championship: Marc Mero (w/ Sable) def. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (c) via countout in 14:03.

Good God Almighty, it’s two men fighting over a woman, like the thugs they are. They lock up and Trips has the height advantage, though Mero has the moustache advantage. The pair have some feats of strength and some nice matwork. Trips is knocked down and Mero dances about happily. Trips botches and botches again. The announcers claim that they are trying to counter each other, but really they messed up. Knock into the barricade and some fans are pushed back. Couple of punches in the corner and Mero hits a lovely back body drop. Mero goes for the ten-punch but is countered. Both men lie on the mat for a while.

Trips goes to hit the pedigree but Mero throws him over the ropes to the outside. Trips hides behind Sable and pushes her into Mero before chucking him into the damn steel steps. JR talks some gyp about Trips being court-martialled in military school. Trips goes for the chair, hoping to get DQ’d and lose the match but keep the title but Earl stops him. Lovely backbreaker in the centre of the ring and there are some satellite problems apparently. Lovely backbreaker again and Earl isn’t in position to hit the full one-two-three. Then we have abdominal stretch city for a while as Sable hits improved time by the side of the ring. Jerry tells Sable to shut up by saying, “Shut up, Marlena… wait, no, that’s Sable.” He then says that Sable hates Trips because of his better hair.

Trips has his hand on the ropes and Earl kicks it. Trips pushes Earl and the ref pushes back. The pair argue in the corner for a while and the crowd go wild. Trips hits a top-rope-nothing and is countered by Mero. Mero hits the Atomic drop which is – according to Vince – right on his spine. Mero hits a jumping clothesline and throws Trips into the corner where he hits a Shawn Michaels spot and a head scissors. Jerry says Earl is biased. Both men go to the top rope and there’s a lovely hurricanrana followed by Mero going top-rope. Trips pushes Earl into the ropes, letting Mero fall onto his balls. A pin attempt from Trips gets nothing.

Trips goes for the Pedigree but it is countered into a catapult. Pin attempt and Trips is still in it. Mero goes to the top rope once again and hits the Merosault but Earl is hit too. Trips hits the neckbreaker, runs to get his Intercontinental belt, but Mero fights back before being hit and does the roll up. Finally, Earl rouses but Trips kicks out. Another Shawn Michaels corner toss followed by a suicide dive over the top rope. Then Goldust comes out! Fuck yes! Goldust! He’s the best!

Goldie hits Mero and Trips with the Intercontinental belt and Earl starts a countout, reaching a ten just after Wildman rolls in, meaning he wins the match by a countout but fails to win the belt.

2016 comments:

Fun match, certainly one of the best Triple H matches so far and Wildman didn’t botch too much.

1996 comments:

Goddammit Goldust, you pervert!

Grade: B

Mero is angry at this. He rolls Trips back into the ring after pushing Sable away, hits the shooting star press, attempts the pin before remembering the match is over, raises the Intercontinental belt anyways and leaves the arena. Strange, strange man. As Trips is leaving, Howard Finkel announces that Trips is still the champion and Goldust attacks him again.

On the Card will return on January 5 with the fourth part of In Your House 12: It’s Time 1996.

Attitude Era #7. In Your House 12: It’s Time (Dec 15, 1996) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Flash Funk and Leif Cassidy tear the house down! Not literally, though, that happens later.

Razor Ramon and Kane-Diesel are coming to the ring and getting super boos. Nice pyro, though.

Cut to backstage and Slammy-award winning Owen Hart along with British Bulldog and Immigration Clarence Mason are being shouted at by Kevin Kelly, who gives the lads stick for their lack of cohesion as a team. They then arrive into the arena, full of piss and vinegar, ready to kick ass, chew bubblegum and quote old movies. Before the match begins, we see Owen and Bulldog attempt to attack Steve Austin in an earlier taping of Superstars but get knocked back by Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon. Owen takes the time to shout at the lads before the bell rings.

WWF Tag Team Championship: Owen Hart and the British Bulldog (w/ Clarence Mason) def. Fake Razor Ramon and Fake Diesel via pin in 10:45.

At the start, the first thing I notice is that the tag teams are in the wrong corners before moving to the right ones. Diesel beats on Diesel for a while before the strength takes over, shoving our boy Hart to the ground. Diesel tries again and Owen hits the damn kip-up.

Then Cybernetico and Pierroth appear by the side of the ring. These boys are from AAA, Asistencia Asesoría y Administración which stands for “Assistance, Assessment, and Administration”. And they are a wrestling promotion. I shouldn’t be surprised. There’s one in Japan called WAR… which stands for Wrestling and Romance.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: The AAA doesn’t really have weekly televised events like RAW or Smackdown, instead it shows traditional PPVs… until the advent of a little TV show called Lucha Underground, of course.

JR completely sells the fact that the luchas are here and taking part in the Rumble next month. One of them removes their shirt like Hogan. JR tells us that the boy with the shirt off is Cybernetico. The Luchas leave with little event and Bulldog and Razor lock up. Business just picks up as the crowd rise to see Stone Cold come out. Bulldog attacks Stone Cold and a brawl takes place. One of the cameras is hit and now has a lovely pink sheen over it. Bulldog goes back in the ring as officials drag Stone Cold back into the locker room area. Owen and Bulldog take over on Razor, yanking on his arm until Razor hits Owen with the clothesline. Huge clothesline it is as well. Owen goes to the top rope and hits a great dropkick but gets nothing.

Diesel tips Owen out and throws him into the ringpost. Razor beats on Owen and gets Diesel in who hits the huge Bossman Slam and doesn’t pin Owen. JR goes bananas, screaming, “You’re supposed to cover him!” Even though JR is heeling it up, that might have been a legit shout. Diesel is back in misses an elbow drop but keeps the control on Owen. He’s fighting back to get to Bulldog but getting nowhere. Owen hits the enziguri on Diesel, builds up to the hot tag and Bulldog is in, hits Razor with a handful of clotheslines, makes the heels hit skulls, drops the legs and gets an almost pin. Bulldog hits the suplex – such power! – and gets nothing. All four men swarm in and Diesel and Owen go over the top rope. Razor gets Bulldog in a powerbomb position, but Owen runs in, hits the spinning leg kick and Bulldog gets the pin in 10:45.

2016 comments:

Good, exciting match near the end. It doesn’t start that way and the build up is long and boring, sadly, probably due to Razor and Diesel.

1996 comments:

I’m beginning to like Owen but I will always hate Bulldog.

Grade: C

Razor pulls on the ref and gives off to him. JR complains to the crowd. Stone Cold comes in, attacks Bulldog and is removed from the premises. Then we have a long “hurt” spot with our boy Bulldog. Then he walks out.

Promo for Shawn Michael’s video, Heartbreak Express.

Vince is in the ring, introducing our boy Ahmed as he comes in to a rapturous applause. He is after Faarooq, it seems, and will stop at nothing to get him. Why does he want Faarooq? Because.

Vince tells us that Ahmed vs. Faarooq will happen at the Royal Rumble. Ahmed gives off about everything that he has lost – girlfriend, house, car – but keeps his fans. The crowd is super loud right now, so loud that the normally unintelligible Ahmed is even worse.

Nation of Domination music hits and out comes JC Ice and Wolfie D to drop some phat rhymes for you. Faarooq takes the mic, threatens everyone in the damn arena and says he’s going to forge his own race of people. Ahmed has a chance to shout back. All the NOD raise their fists apart from Crush, who drops his almost instantly. Ahmed says he wants to fight right now and the NOD leave.

On the Card will return on December 29 with the third part of In Your House 12: It’s Time 1996.

Attitude Era #7. In Your House 12: It’s Time (Dec 15, 1996) Part 1

In the previous entry, I looked at Survivor Series 1996. It was an amazing PPV with the debut of Mr. Dwayne Johnston. The next PPV was In Your House 12: It’s Time and the main event was Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Sycho Sid for the WWF World Heavyweight Championship.

Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF In Your House 12: It’s Time

Sharpshooter vs. Powerbomb

Oh yes, what a tagline. The poster helps, showing Bret on the left and Sid on the right, the two distinct styles of the two men. This isn’t two equals going against each other, it’s a ring technician against a powerhouse and it’s going to be great.

The Big Red WWF title screen goes straight into a polite promo for MB Karate Fighters. Vince McMahon and Jumpin’ Jim Ross with Jerry “The King” Lawler roars hello to the West Palm Beach Auditorium in West Palm Beach, Florida to very little fanfare. Yes indeed, the attendance is a measly 5,708. Our Spanish Colleagues are Hugo Savinovich, Carlos Cabrera and Arturo Rivera, who don’t seem to be mic’d up and they’re bantering but we hear naught.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a 30-minute show called Free-For-All, which was the nineties equivalent of the Preshow, full of promos and summaries of recent TV matches. There was an exclusive match on Free-For-All which was Rocky Maivia defeating Salvatore Sincere with Jim Cornette. It ended in a DQ. Before that, there was a Dark Match featuring Brakkus and Dr. X. There were also two dark matches at the end of the PPV after the cameras turned off featuring Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Goldust and Shawn Michaels vs. Mankind with Paul Bearer.)

The first match is introduced and down strolls Leif Cassidy AKA Al Snow, who is looking more like Snow each day. He has the big handlebar moustache and everything. All he needs is head.

Cut to the front and down strolls Flash Funk and his Funkettes, doing a nice little dance as he high-fives the crowd. They reach out and try to touch him but find nothing. One fan has Flash Funk’s name on a sign, written in tinsel. Vince has a wee dance with Flash but JR denies it, saying he came to call a match, not to dance. Fair play. The dance goes on for some time. The bell finally rings.

Flash Funk def. Leif Cassidy via pin in 10:34.

Both the lads are waving to the crowd though Leif is a bit of a heel here, so he is jeering at the crowd more. JR bigs up the fact that this is each competitor’s first singles match. Flash does a little dance and the two lock up, with Leif tinally tossing flash to the mat, rolling about, doing some lovely rolls until Leif is locked in an armbar by Flash. Leif copies and Flash does a lovely almost-Stunner reversal and a standing backflip before rolling into another armbar. Very mat-based just now. Funk botches a jump to the top rope, tries again and botches a lariat! Not great there, Funky. Flash funk, of course, evil twin to Terry Funk. Fact?

Flash seems to botch a head scissors but Leif seems to reverse it into a face-first powerbomb. Leif German suplexes Flash outside and then hits a springboard senton over the top rope onto Flash! Great stuff. In the ring, Leif dropkicks Flash, goes for the pin and gets a two. The crowd are chanting for Flash and he Pele Kicks Leif Cassidy right in the face. Skitter. Leif goes for the powerbomb and Funk escapes, does a dance and knocks Leif down. Leif hits a lovely spinebuster-sit-out-powerbomb-combo to Funk but gets only a two. Leif hits a Bret’s rope moonsault, but misses. Funk takes over, hitting a lovely handspring kick and Leif falls out of the ring allowing Flash to hit the suicide dive over the top rope. Funk hits the bodyslam followed by the moonsault but gets only a two. Cassidy hits the clothesline and the two men trade pin attempts for a while. Funk hits another Pele Kick and a lovely backdrop followed by another jump to the top rope. 450 splash and it’s all over in 10:34.

2016 comments:

Brilliant match from both men. Leif shocked me, I won’t be ashamed to admit. Great, great match. Well done, lads.

1996 comments:

These boys are better on their own than with others.

Grade: A

As the crowd dance and swing about, we have a promo for the 1997 Royal Rumble, which is due on January 19th, 1997.

On the Card will return on December 22 with the second part of In Your House 12: It’s Time 1996.

Attitude Era #6. Survivor Series (November 17, 1996) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Two of the all-time greats, Stone Cold and Bret, have a five star match.

Backstage, Dok Hendrix is speaking to Sid who looks like Brock Samson but sounds like an absolute Christopher Walken.

Cut to the gate and out comes Super Mario himself, Captain Lou Albano. He has no music although he should have Cyndi Lauper playing over him.

The motherfucking Nation of Domination music plays. Fuck yes. Old JC Ice and Wolfie D come out, rapping like the whitest of all white men, followed by Immigration Clarence Mason, Faarooq, and two of their unnamed goons in suits. Faarooq fires up the old fist there for the crowd. Good man yourself.

Out comes Rick Bognar AKA Fake Razor Ramon, or, as my wife calls him, Razor Ramen. She does it without sarcasm as she just (constantly) misreads his name. I could do worse, I suppose. JR complains that people are booing Razor as he is, “bigger, younger, stronger, better-looking than the first guy to have that name.” As he says this, Bowl Cut Kid himself pats him on the back. Surely this is the greatest point in Bognar’s life. It’s all downhill from here, bro. I love how Ross is attempting to heel it up and legitimately accepting that characters in wrestling are just that – only chracters.

Out comes Diesel, played by Dr. Isaac Yankem himself, Glenn Jacobs. He is now known as Kane.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: After the Curtain Call that took place in this very arena – Madison Square Gardens – in May 19, 1996, Scott Hall and Kevin Nash left for the WCW, leaving their characters – Ramon and Diesel – behind. Their return was part of an aborted attempt to heel up JR, which is impossible as he is fucking awesome and the fans went with whatever he said.

Vader comes out to little fanfare, which is a shame considering he was main event status in past months. Jim Cornette is on commentary and slagging JR.

Their opponents arrive with a very short intro each: Savio Vega with a little dance; Yokozuno, described as, “even bigger than you, Jim Cornette,” by Vince (Jim: “I led Yoko to the WWF!” JR: “You led him to the buffet table!”); Flash Funk, the proto-Godfather with his Funkettes, the double-hos (JR: “I’ve never seen the yellow and red look so good in Madison Square Gardens!”); and “The Mystery Partner”, Superfly Jimmy Snuka. Jim Cornette can’t believe it. Yokozuna takes forever to get out of the ring as the bell tolls.

Survivor Series Tag Team Match: Faarooq, Vader, Razor Ramon and Diesel (w/ Clarence Mason and Jim Cornette) vs. Flash Funk, Jimmy Snuka, Savio Vega and Yokozuna ends in double disqualification in 9:48.

We have Flash Funk starting with our man Vader. Jim Cornette can’t believe it. Vader pushes Funk over and flexes but Funk just kip-ups and does a sexy little hip move. Vader hits a stiff clothesline and Flash runs the ropes before hitting a spinning heel kick that Vader begins to bump for about ten feet before Funk hits him. Vader is knocked outside and Funk moonsaults from the top rope to the outside. Vader hits Funk with a Vader Bomb and Yokozuna runs in with his big bottom filled with farts.

In comes Savio and Faarooq. Razor Ramon jumps in and Savio goes mental on him, dodging a kick and getting a lovely five-punch in the corner. Razor catches the cross-body and hits a fallaway slam to allow our boy Ka- I mean, Diesel into the ring. Diesel beats on Flash funk for a while but Diesel catches him in mid-air with a great clothesline. A moment of Aloha-Arning from Diesel but he escapes and tags in Faarooq. Funk is running rings around everyone. Faarooq catches him and hits a great spinebuster. Vader comes in, knocks Funk out and there is a schmoz in the corner as Savio beats on everyone.

Big Daddy Kane Dieself is on Yoko’s corner and Superfly Jimmy Snuka is in to a big pop from the crowd. Vader is in, throwing Snuka into the ropes and Superfly headbutts him before bodyslamming Vader. What a move! Snuka is in trouble in the corner and Razor takes over. Snuka slips between his legs and Savio Vega is in. Diesel pops in and Vader pulls the ropes so Savio falls outside. Faarooq takes the time to attack Savio and Cornetter slags Ahmed. Diesel hits the Jackknife Powerbomb on Savio and gets the pin.

Savio Vega has been eliminated by Fake Diesel in 08:39.

Snuka beats on Diesel and in comes Razor. Another headbutt to Razor and a knee to the face. Snuka goes to the top rope and hits the splash to pin Razor.

Razor Ramon has been eliminated by Superfly Jimmy Snuka in 09:28.

Diesel comes in and cracks Snuka with the steel chair. The whole thing descends into anarchy and chairs are thrown everywhere. Savio Vega comes out and both teams are disqualified despite only one member of each team using weapons in 9:48.

2016 comments:

To say this is the worst match of the card should not be a complaint as this card has been terrific so far but this would be a bad match even if it had gone out on Sunday Night Heat. Awful, disgraceful, terrible attempt at wrestling.

1996 comments:

That Diesel fellow. I like him. I wish he were more… on fire.

Grade: F

Promo for the upcoming Shawn vs. Sid match. We see Shawn sliding down to the ring on a rope as the announcer tells us that all men have wanted to be the champeen. We see Sycho Sid cutting his mental promos. We see Shawn versus Vader, Bulldog and Mankind. Misunderstandings breeds contempt and Sid attempts to justify his insanity. Shawn is being cocky. Story of his life.

Out comes Sid with his Stone Cold jacket on. Sid’s mad music hits and out he comes, offering fist bumps to all and sundry. Is he a heel? Is he a face? The crowd threaten to spill into the aisle once again as Sid asks the crowd if they happen to know who the man is? It’s you, Sid. You’re the man. JR tells us that SID stands, not for Sidney, but for Suddenly I’m Dominant.

Picture in picture tells us that Shawn Michaels and Jose Lothario are on their way to the ring. Shawn is a bit distracted but once his music hits… well, it’s Shawn. He’s got the moves. The fans are actually grabbing onto him and holding him back from the ring. Security are called. Bowl Cut Kid looks on, his kingdom falling into disarray. Shawn slips into the ring and hits the pyro, pulling off his chaps. Oh, what a time to be alive! Sid nods away. The bell rings.

WWF Championship Match: Sycho Sid def. Shawn Michaels by pin in 20:02.

Both men go to the corner and Shawn chucks something in his mouth. The pair lock up and Shawn falls down to Sid’s punches with Michaels springing back up with each shot. Referee Earl Hebner says something to Sid and Shawn takes over, sliding between Sid’s legs, punching Sid to the ground and getting him in a bit of a rest hold. Shawn slaps Sid. Sid boots Shawn. Head scissors and a kip-up. Both men are great here tonight. Sid lifts Shawn into a gorilla press and goes for the back body drop but Sid attempts to give him the powerbomb. Shawn escapes and stands outside for some time.

Sid is getting angry and runs after Shawn, who runs about the ring and finally rolls in to take over. He gets a bunch of boos as well! My God. Is he going heel? The crowd dislike him. A “Sycho Sid!” chant rises. Shawn continues to work on the leg of Sid and goes into the figure four leglock. Sid tries to hang on but finds it difficult. Wrestling Caesar in the front row looks on unimpressed. JR takes this time to talk about how awesome Shawn is. Sid rolls over to “reverse” the figure four and Shawn gets the ropes to break the hold. The crowd boo heavily. Shawn drags Sid mid-ring but Sid fights back. On his feet, our man Sycho gives Michaels a kick to the ribs and watches him for a while.

Sid is in control, reverses into the cameraman and pushes the camera away angrily. Sid boots on Michaels and goes for the big boot, misses and Michaels continues to beat on Sid with a dropkick to the knee followed by a great boo from the fans. Michaels attempts the figure four and gets kicked twice. Michaels almost rolls outside, gets back in and Sid knocks him right back out. Sid takes Michaels to the entrance and gorilla presses him onto the railing. Crazy times. The crowd cheer Sid on and JR reminds us that Bret is set to take on the winner of this match. Sid kicks Shawn in the face and rolls him in. Sid goes for the pin but Shawn kicks out.

Great back body drop from Sid. Michaels is getting his fuck kicked in in the corner. JR tells us that Sid doesn’t need to be technically sound because he’s huge. An Irish whip in the corner and Michaels is turned inside out. He stunners Sid and goes for a crossbody but Sid catches him and hits the ribbreaker for a two-count. Sid hits a brutal Irish whip to Michaels and another. The clank of the turnbuckle is loud. Michaels calls for another Irish whip but Sid just punches him a bunch of times. Michaels starts to punch back but the crowd are not happy. Lovely bodyslam by Michaels and he goes to Bret’s rope for a lovely axe-handle nothing that he does a perfect bump for.

Million Dollar Dream city in the centre of the ring and there is two close two-counts before Shawn fights back. What a great bunch of boos from the crowd. Shawn goes for Sweet Chin Music but it is caught, countered and chokeslammed. Sid calls for the powerbomb and stands centre stage. Sid also is facing away from the damn hard cam. Shawn hits a roll-up and escapes the powerbomb but Sid is angry and hits a lovely powerslam to Shawn who escapes and kips up only to be mowed down by Sid. Another close two-count but the match continues.

Sid is in the corner, stealing the camera and Earl watches him, waiting for the cue. Jose is on the apron and Sid hits him with the camera. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music and chooses between the pin and Jose. He chooses Jose, pops out and asks for help. Sid is there, rolling Shawn into the ring and Michaels reverses a cross-body to hit Hebner. Shawn is still looking after Jose and takes a camera to the back of the head. Sid is no longer face! Or at least that’s what’s supposed to be happening!

Back in the ring, Sid goes for the powerbomb, hits it sloppily and Earl hits the one-two-three for Sid to win the WWF Championship in 20:02

2016 comments:

The weakest of Sid and Michael’s matches so far, and beset with timing issues, but still good.

1996 comments:

I don’t know who to love or hate. The crowd were not very clear about how they wanted me to feel.

Grade: B

Shawn runs to the outside to look after Jose, taking the heat away from Sid, who is celebrating mid-ring. Some smart cunt out in the audience has an NOW sign. Wrong company, bro, but we get that you’re a fan.

Sid has his time to celebrate but the crowd is still treating him like a face. Vladimir is there to hug Sid, which is nice for both of them. Sid asks the crowd if they happen to know who the man is and he fist bumps them all.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I’m going to go for Bret Hart. What a guy,

Woman of the Matches: Let me guess… Sunny, Marlena and Sable, right? Christ. None, once again.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Bret.

Best Spot: Flash Funk’s moonsault to the outside.

Hatches: A few, mostly in the dark match: Bob Holly, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, Crush, Fake Diesel, Doug Furnas, Flash Funk AKA 2 Cold Scorpio, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Phil Lafon, Fake Razor Ramon, The Sultan AKA Rikishi, Road Dogg Jesse James, Salvatore Sincere, The Iron Shiek, Rocky Maivia AKA The Rock, Uncle Zebekiah AKA Zeb Coulter.

Matches: Sycho Sid begins his first reign as WWF Champion.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: Mark Henry, Undertaker, Bret Hart.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Undertaker for just being fucking awesome.

Previous Women of the Matches: Sunny.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Sunny, N/A, N/A.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… No one because I have already chosen Sunny.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 1996 was one of the strongest cards I have seen so far… until the last two matches let it down. I have the distinct feeling that that may have been because of the guys backstage rather than the talent of the men in the ring. I love Survivor Series every year and it’s nice to see that it was still amazing twenty years ago.

On the Card will return on December 15 2016 with In Your House 12: It’s Time.

Attitude Era #6. Survivor Series (November 17, 1996) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: The debut of the Scorpion King!

Cut to a promo for Bret Hart being Canadian, the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. When he says Stone Cold’s name, the crowd pops. We see Stone Cold kicking ass, beating on his ex-partner, we see him stunning everyone, beating on people backstage and calling Bret Hart a Shitman. He then calls himself the best there is. Cheeky rascal. This promo is great and really gets you ready for Stone Cold and Hitman.

Backstage, Stone Cold calls Bret a cliché and says that he will give him an ass-whuppin’.

Out he comes out to his smashing glass theme. Fuck yes. This is amazing. I am so pumped for this and so is the crowd. Stone Cold is almost damn-near smiling. This is the start of the Attitude Era right here. Business is about to pick up.

Backstage, Bret Hart is bigging up Stone Cold, saying he has respect for Stone Cold and will beat the respect into him if necessary.

Bret’s music hits and the crowd explodes. The purple hearts are everywhere… the doors open… Bret is nowhere to be seen- oh there he is. Phew. Got worried for a moment. Pyro goes off as Bret soaks up the applause. The lights dim, focussing on the ring. This is a real big-match, main event feel. Face Bret goes to a wee pup in the front row and gives her his glasses. Lovely guy. Stone Cold looks on, disgusted at Bret’s weakness. Vince tells us that the winner of this match will become number one contender.

Number One Contender Match: Bret “The Hitman” Hart def. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin via pin in 24:41.

Stone Cold and Bret stand toe to toe in the middle of the ring. Austin is giving Bret some shit and follows it up with double fingers to Hart’s face. Brilliant. What a guy. The pair finally lock up and have a chat in the corner. Irish Referee Tim White splits them up and Bret pushes Austin away. The pair lock up again and have a little grabby brawl. JR tells us that neither of the men have submitted and it may come to that in this match. Another lock-up and Stone Cold gets Bret’s wrist, jerking at it. Bret rolls into a kip-up and reverses, screaming, “C’mon!” at Austin. The crowd chant, “Let’s go, Bret!” like a bunch of smarks.

A few reversals followed by a lovely takedown and the two men are on the ground. Bret hammers a knee into Stone Cold’s ribs, continuing the hammerlock. Stone Cold gets to his feet, hits a lovely drop-toe-hold but is reversed into another hammerlock. JR bigs up Rocky and says that he has one hell of a future in the Fed. Stone Cold takes over and drives the elbow into Bret’s spine. JR points out that Bret has been slow and careful whereas Stone Cold has been high-impact thusfar. Bret takes over and gets Austin in another wristlock. The commentators talk about cowboys and JR reminds us that he’s from Oklahoma. Irish whip and Stone Cold drops Bret on the top rope. Stone Cold steps on Bret’s back, choking him with the bottom rope. God-damn son of a gun.

Irish Referee Tim White is giving it loads to Stone Cold, who isn’t happy about it. Austin taunts the crowd as JR tells us how much Stone Cold has been attacking the upper body of Bret. Vince considers that the Stunner might be the move to take down Bret. JR repeats his earlier points. A pin attempt followed by another but Stone Cold gets a two on both. Vince drops that both men are using killer psychology in this match with Bret being forced to take a risk and take a risk he does as both men trade blows with Stone Cold coming off the stronger, choking Bret in the turnbuckle. An Irish whip and Bret reverses it with a great clothesline followed by an atomic drop, another clothesline and a roll-up for the near fall.

Bret hits the side-Russian leg-sweep and only gets another two-count. Bret goes for the bulldog but Stone Cold pushes him away, taking over. Stone Cold goes for the suplex, attempted reversal and Austin sits Bret on the top rope, goes for a Bret’s rope superplex but Bret counters, throwing Stone Cold off and hitting the elbow from the top rope. Brilliant. Bret goes for the Bossman slam but Austin rakes his eyes. Stone Cold throws Bret to the outside and takes the time to check his kneepads. Austin hits the double-axe-handle on Bret and rolls in to break the count before throwing Bret into the ringpost. Stone Cold takes the time to jaw off to the crowd and Bret knocks him into the audience! Bret fires Austin into the barricade and Stone Cold rolls the whole way out of the ring, seemingly looking for a place to blade. Bret takes a great slingshot catapult into the Spanish announcer’s table, completely flooring Hugo Savinovich. Poor son of a gun. JR complains that this sort of thing always seems to happen to the Spanish guy. Austin hits the flying elbow from the apron onto Bret’s throat. The crowd chant for Bret and as he gets onto the apron, stone Cold suplexes him into the ring. Motherfucker.

Stone Cold hits another elbow from Bret’s rope and another kick-out followed by another. The crowd are chanting, Stone Cold is giving it his all and flings Bret into the corner. Stone Cold taunts the crowd some more, goes to have a wee word with Bret on the ropes and goes for another pin attempt for a two. The crowd are now having duelling, “Let’s go Austin/Let’s go Bret!” chants. Brilliant. Stone Cold gets the abdominal stretch in and pulls on the rope to clinch it in. Irish Referee Tim White sees this, berates Stone Cold and gets the fingers for his effort. Stone Cold punches Bret and the pair trade blows for ages. Stone Cold finally falls but Bret doesn’t stop. Double reversal of an Irish whip and Austin’s neck hits the top rope. Bret goes for the pin but gets naught. Bret hits Stone Cold with a brutal piledriver but Stone Cold kicks out. A lovely backbreaker from Bret and The Hitman goes to the top rope but Stone Cold knocks him onto his arse and beats on Bret, going to the top to hit harder. Both men are set up for the superplex and it is anticlimactic. Bret pulls his feet up to pin Austin but only gets a two.

Bret grabs Stone Cold from behind and Austin reverses it into a Stunner but Bret kicks out! Another pin, another kick out, another pin, another kick out, some punches, another pin, another kick out. Irish Referee Tim White can’t believe it. Stone Cold hits the Texas Cloverleaf and Bret is dragging himself to the ropes, finally grabbing the bottom one, but Austin refuses to let go. Bret is on his feet, in the corner and Stone Cold is kicking some ass as Stone Cold throws Bret into the corner, hitting his ribs. Another pin, another kick-out. Stone Cold gets Bret into a surfboard but Bret is up, he’s getting Austin into the sharpshooter but Stone Cold has the ropes and the submission is broken. Bret hits the Irish whip and the sleeper hold. Stone Cold reverses it into a Stunner and hits Bret with the Million Dollar Dream but Bret kicks off the turnbuckle and rolls it into a pin for the win in 24:41.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Though Wikipedia claims the match was 24:41, it was closer to 30 mins from bell-to-bell.

2016 comments:

Dream matchup from two dreamy men.

1996 comments:

Best match of the night so far.

Grade: A

Austin can’t believe it! He didn’t let go of the Million Dollar Dream and it cost him the victory!

I can’t believe it! Every match so far has been amazing!

Bret celebrates as Austin goes backstage, scowling like a man scorned. Replays show Austin’s hubris as he refuses to release the hold on Bret that called his demise this match. Silly goose. Bret faces it up with the crowd, exhausted. He will now face either Shawn Michaels or Sycho Sid at the next PPV: In Your House 12: It’s Time.

On the Card will return on December 8 with the fourth and final part of Survivor Series 1996.

Attitude Era #6. Survivor Series (November 17, 1996) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: One amazing opening match.

Cut to the “bowels of the building” where Kevin Kelly is there to interview Mankind and Paul Bearer. Kelly tells them that Paul has to be raised above the ring in a cage. Paul claims that he is no animal. Mankind screeches out some threats to the Undertaker in the form of cannibalism.

Back in the arena, the cage is ready for Paul to enter. Mankind’s music plays and Paul comes out, claiming that he is not going into a cage, but we all know he will. He bumps into a cameraman and shouts at him for some time. Cheeky rascal. Paul gives Mankind the urn and the pair of them rock and screech mid-ring. JR reminds us that it has only been six years since Undertaker arrived in the WWF. The announcers wonder if Paul will fit into the cage.

The bells toll and the arena dips into darkness as the Undertaker descends from above with huge bat-like wings. As he lands, the spotlight on him disappear and some men get him out of his harness. When he reappears in the blue light, we see he has a teardrop tattoo on his cheek. The Undertaker has killed a man, it seems, and done hard time for it. JR comments on Taker’s ring attire. It’s very leather.

Paul is finally in the cage and as the bell rings, Mankind sneaks from behind and shoves Undertaker’s head into the metal bars of the cage. Bastard.

Paul Bearer in a cage match: The Undertaker def. Mankind via pin in 14:52.

Camera from within the cage – CAGECAM – shows Paul. We can hear him screech from within. Mankind and Taker beat on each other outside of the ring before rolling back in. Taker throws Mankind into the corner with ruthless abandon and follows it up with a drop-toe-hold, something that JR tells us he has never done before. Taker gets Mankind into an armbar in an attempt to hyperextend the elbow. He gives up, stomps Mankind’s right hand – his claw hand – and rolls outside to continue the battering. JR considers that Mankind’s hand is broken.

Undertaker goes for a big elbow and Mankind moves. He knocks Undertaker outside, but the Deadman lands on his feet. The fight spills into the fans. We have an idiot with an ECW shirt on. Fool. The men go back into the ring. Another shot from the cagecam featuring Paul Bearer. Mankind does a wee senton onto the standing Undertaker from the apron. JR considers that Mankind’s hand might well never function again. The boys are courting disaster being in the ring with Bearer suspended above them. Mankind flings Taker into the corner and Vince asks us to kindly forget about it. Another throw into the corner and Taker springs off it to hit the elbow. Mankind attempts to escape and fails. Taker actually bites Mankind’s fingers, becoming a cannibal in the interim. Taker gives Mankind the Irish whip, ducks for a slam and Mankind gives him a brutal piledriver.

Mankind calls for the claw but Undertaker refutes him, getting him into the chokeslam. The crowd ask them to “Rest in Peace!” Mankind escapes the chokeslam and is put into the Tombstone position. He escapes from this and gets Mankind in the Mandible Claw. Mankind is thrown into the barricade and JR tells us that Mankind wears no helmet. Undertaker goes for Old School and some smart cunt in the crowd hits the airhorn as the crowd hit a revival of the “Rest in Peace!” chant. Mankind goes to the top rope and Taker sits up – always a bad move when a big man goes aerial. Taker tries fight Mankind off, but is thrown to the mat. As Mick hits the double-axe-handle-nothing, Mark reverses it into a chokeslam which is reversed into a Mandible Claw and we have a lovely lie down from the lads. Vince says, “Progress is totally halted!”

My favourite spot comes up as the ref holds Undertaker’s hand aloft and drops it thrice. On the third drop, Taker holds tight and reverses the Claw into a chokeslam. JR tells us that Mankind’s hand is surely damaged. Mankind hits another senton but Taker dodges it. He rolls Mankind into the ring and gets the madman on the ropes. A reversed Irish Whip into a sleeper into a backdrop. Mankind pulls a shiv out of his trunks and hits Taker with it. The official sees naught. Paul Bearer shakes the cage – be careful, Paul, you could kill every man in the building if you fall. Mankind on Taker’s back in the corner and Taker turns it into a Tombstone Piledriver, pinning Mankind mid-ring for the win and Paul’s soul in 14:52.

2016 comments:

Good match. Shoot, that makes two matches in a row! What is this? The Attitude Era? Must be… oh wait, that’s not due to start for another year… oh well.

1996 comments:

I am so scared for Paul Bearer.

Grade: A-

Paul is lowered to the ring and Taker removes his prize. With Taker now being an ex-con, we can only imagine the horrors he has ready for Paul Bearer in the-

Oh wait, what the fuck? It’s the Executioner, Terry Gordy! Out he runs to defend Paul Bearer’s honour! Executioner beats on Taker mercilessly. Taker fights back and Exectutioner escapes with Paul and Mankind. Undertaker never got a chance to get his hands on Bearer. Rascally. Undertaker paces in the ring and we see some replays of the Tombstone Piledriver as Taker takes a knee in the blue ring.

Cut to backstage and the WWF is on AOL! Doug Furnas and Phil Lafon have two people with lanyards and the biggest laptops I have ever seen. They look very uncomfortable.

Back in the ring, Sunny runs down to the announcer’s desk, shaking herself with reckless abandon. Nice wee wave to our man Howard Finkel. Vince dances with Sunny and we cut to Dok Hendrix in the back with Crush, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Intercontinental Champion Trrrrrrrriple H and our boy Goldust with Marlena. Goldust plays with Hunter’s hair. Trips and Jerry both cut promos on Marc Henry. Crush and Goldust say about three lines. The music hits as Crush arrives to the ring, all dreadlocks and goatee, followed by The King, who shouts at the crowd and tells them to shut up. Goldust arrives with the letterbox screen. JR complains that Goldust was… “short” with him. Sunny complains that Triple H has the gold… but lost his valet. Sunny calls JR chubby.

Sable’s music hits and out she comes… with her husband, Wildman Marc Mero. No one pays attention to Mero. His Roman candles hit as Mrs. Future Lesnar claps politely. Sunny makes an implant joke. Out comes The… Stalker? Barry Windham? The member of the Four Horsemen? Some weird music hits and Rocky Maivia comes out. Who is this new man? Who is this- Oh, we all know who The Man Who Would Be The Rock is. Let’s not lie about it. He recently did a Rock Reacts video on this, his debut, and I will slip his reactions and points in with the review. He has a mop of curly hair. He looks like a Flintstones reject and he doesn’t know where the hard cam is. He thinks its behind him, so we’ll see him back a lot. The Rock looks amazing.

Mero is on the mic and hyping up the crown with his mental mullet. He introduces our man Jake Roberts, who walks out with Revelations his huge python. The size of his snake! He can barely lift it over his head, by God!

Wee shot of MSG on the outside as we get set up mid-ring.

Survivor Series Tag Team Match: Rocky Maivia, Jake Roberts, The Stalker and Marc Mero (w/ Sable) def. Crush, Jerry Lawler, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Goldust (w/ Marlena) via elimination in 23:44.

The faces chase the heels out of the ring and Mero is due to start with Jerry. The two men are about to fight until the audience chant, “Burger King!” to The King. The Stalker gets tagged in and Jerry tags out, pulling in Trips. Mero goes after him and the blueblood rolls outside, desperate to get his title back.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Mero’s debut was at WrestleMania XII when Sable was his Valet. After a loss to a no-selling Ultimate Warrior, Trips beat on Sable mercilessly until her husband came out and saved her. Trips and Mero have a storied past, it seems.

Goldust slides in and the two married men with their wives outside beat on each other mid-ring. Lovely hip toss from Mero followed by a great back body drop. Goldust is being thrown about like a ragdoll. Attempted pin as Sunny rips on Sable and praises Marlena. The Stalker comes in and whips Goldust about until HHH is tagged in. They go for the test of strength and Mero is tagged in as Trips tags out. Crush pops in with his white-boy dreads and forehead tattoo. Rocky is tagged in and the “powerhouse” as Vince described him is thrown into the corner where The King legit cracks him a few times, shoulder barges him down and Rocky just pops right up. So sexy. Double jumps and a dropkick as King falls out of the ring, retreating from fear.

Vince then drops that Dwayne Johnson is taking the name of his father and grandfather. Alright.

Trips and Rock are in the ring and we see a foreshadowing of main events of future past. Goldust comes in after Trips hits a great suplex and hits an elbow. Cover attempt and Rock survives. Lovely drop on the top rope and Crush is in with a ribbreaker. Lovely slap to Rock’s face followed by a body slam and The King is back in, being an arse. Trips is tagged in and batters Rock in the corner. The two men share some sloppy punches with Rock lifting Trips for a back body drop, calling in Jake the Snake, who clears house. Another back body drop and Jake calls for the DDT but Hunter fights back. Mero jumps in to protect his friend but Goldust is taking over. Jerry is in now, a sequel to their matches earlier. Jake is sloppy on his feet and Lawler insinuates that he is drunk. Jake hits Lawler with the DDT and eliminates King with a pin.

Jerry “The King” Lawler has been eliminated by Jake “The Snake” Roberts in 10:01.

Goldust is in and taking over where Jerry failed. Goldie holds Jake in a sleeper hold for some time as The Stalker hammers his feet on the apron. Jake escapes and tags Barry who attacks Goldust with a brutal Irish Whip and great suplex. Harvey Whippleman is outside. Great lad. Goldust goes for the double-axe-handle nothing, gets a punch to the gut as he lands and hits a great flip. Crush kidney-punches The Stalker and gets a curtain call for the pin. The bell doesn’t even ring.

The Stalker has been eliminated by Goldust in 12:44.

Mero is in, kicking his husband-brother in the face. Goldust replies with a kick of his own and Hunter is tagged in to take over. Mero is beaten in the corner and Sable hits a terrible beat on the apron. 4/4 timing, Sable, for Christ’s sake. Trips hits an awful knee drop, missing Mero by a good half a foot. Crush is tagged in and gives Mero a bearhug as he walks him around the ring. A pair of rib breakers followed by a leg drop but Mero kicks out. Goldust comes in, hits Mero with a great shoulder barge and barely gets the pin. Crush comes back in and attempts the cover but Mero is still kicking out. Someone is battering the steps. Who is it? Some cunt.

Trips has Mero in the abdominal stretch and holds it forever as Sable attempts her beat but fails once again. Give it up, Sable, you’re never going to be a musician. Abdominal stretch city over here. Mero finally escapes, hits the sunset flip and Trips aloha-Arns it forever before finally tagging in Goldust. Goldust quickly tags out and Trips is back in, getting a spinning head scissors for his effort. Mero falls out of the ring, jumps to the top rope and hits the Merosault – a moonsault from the top rope – for the pin.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley has been eliminated by Wildman Marc Mero in 19:20.

Crush is in now, headbutting Mero, attempting a gorilla press, forgetting it and taking a dropkick from Mero. Mero attempts a senton suicide dive but hits the floor instead. In the ring, Wildman takes another headbutt and Jack comes in to save him-

Oh. Wait, what? It seems Wildman was actually eliminated. Huh.

Wildman Marc Mero has been eliminated by Crush in 20:36.

That was pathetic. Obviously the lads are running over time then because that’s two eliminations in just over a minute.

Jake is in with Crush and is hit with a brutal throat shot, the “Heart Punch”.

Jake “The Snake” Roberts has been eliminated by Crush in 20:54.

Rocky is on his own. He looks back to his corner and finds it wanting. He looks to Crush and Goldust. He’s fucked. The crowd legit starts chanting his name. For real. This is his debut match and the crowd are chanting The Rock’s name. Crush goes for the test of strength. The kids shout, “No!” yet he does it anyway. Rock goes for a small package and fails, hitting a body slam, beating on Goldust, getting some babyface fire. A double Irish whip followed by a crossbody on both heels. Rocky is pounding it stacks but Crush is taking over. Both heels are mid-ring and Crush attempts a heart punch, receiving a crossbody for his effort followed by a pin.

Crush has been eliminated by Rocky Maivia in 23:12.

It’s now Rocky and Goldust! Two of my favourite wrestlers!

Straight-up Shoot Fact: When The Rock pinned Crush, he hid his face and thanked him for it. So sweet.

Goldust takes a punch from Rock, fights back and Rocky hits his running shoulderbreaker, his original finisher, getting the pin and the win in 23:44.

Goldust has been eliminated by Rocky Maivia. The survivor is Rocky Maivia!

2016 comments:

Good debut from our man The Rock. The fact that this newcomer started in MSG, on Survivor Series, won his first match and eliminated two people in less than a minute is nothing short of prophetic. I don’t always like The Rock, especially later when his main events versus Trips were boring as all hell, but he pulls out all the stops here tonight. Fair play.

1996 comments:

I don’t like that Rocky lad. He looks like a Samoan Hogan. Samogan.

Grade: A

Three great matches in a row? Truly this is the end times.

Rocky is looking at the entrance, where he believes the hard cam is. It isn’t. He’s a damn fool. Why doesn’t the ref tell him? Sunny says she’s proud of Rocky and hasn’t even had the chance to seduce him yet. What the fuck?

On the Card will return on December 1 with the third part of Survivor Series 1996.

Attitude Era #6. Survivor Series (November 17, 1996) Part 1

In the previous entry, I looked at In Your House 11: Buried Alive 1996. It was an okay PPV with a good, creepy main event but the WWF Champion didn’t take to the mat until after the cameras started rolling. The next PPV was Survivor Series 96 and was the tenth of its name. The gimmick of Survivor Series was that it was an annual event that took place around Thanksgiving and had huge elimination-style tag team matches, usually between the heel faction and the face faction of the day.

Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF Survivor Series

Back to Attack

The tagline makes no sense and the poster has Shawn Michaels, Sid Vicious, newcomer Bret Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin’s heads floating between two buildings. Shawn is wearing the same expression he did during the poster for Mind Games back in September, so not much has changed there.

There is no Big Red WWF title screen this time around, just an announcer speaking over sped-up shots of New York to show how fast the city that never sleeps really is. Tonight, Shawn vs. Sid. Tonight, Bret vs. Stone Cold. Tonight, Undertaker vs. Mankind. And other people!

MB Karate Fighters sponsor the 1996 Survivor Series. 18,647 people are crammed into Madison Square Garden in New York. 199,000 people watching at home, a rise from an all-time low of 1995 at 128,000 buys. A taxi slides over the top of the screen as our announcing team is introduced: Vincent Kennedy McMahon, Jerry “The King” Lawler and Good Ol’ Jim “JR” Ross. There is literally no time for anything else as the first match is about to get underway!

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a 30-minute show called Free-For-All, which was the nineties equivalent of the Preshow, full of promos and summaries of recent TV matches. There was an exclusive match on Free-For-All and had little to do with the actual PPV but was full of names that would become huge over the next wee while (though not with the names they appear here with): Jesse James (AKA Road Dogg Jesse James), Aldo Montoya (AKA Rat-Faced Knacker Justin Credible), Bob Holly (AKA Hardcore Holly), Bart Gunn (AKA Bodacious Bart Gun) versus the team of The Sultan (AKA Rikishi), Justin Bradshaw (AKA Cunt JBL), Salvatore Sincere (AKA Tom Brandi) and Billy Gunn (AKA Bad-Ass Billy Gunn). They were joined by The Iron Sheiky Baby and Uncle Zebekiah (AKA Zeb Coulter).

The British Bulldog’s music hits and out comes the man himself looking like a bust sausage along with his team of Slammy-Award-Winning Owen Hart and The New Rockers Marty Janetty and Leif Cassidy (AKA Al Snow). They are accompanied by Immigration Clarence Mason, who is just waiting for someone to mess up and get sent home.

The other team turn up, Phil Lafon and Doug Furnas, who are a pair of arses. They appear with the Gosh-Darned Godwinns Henry O. (in yellow) and Phineas I. (in red) with Hillbilly Jim. There is a Karate Fighters zeppelin flying about the arena that just crashes into the stands and stays there. Oh, the humanity!

The announcers comment on the smell of the Godwinn boys and the heel team shout at the crowd for some time before the bell rings to start the match.

Survivor Series Tag Team Match: Doug Furnas, Phil Lafon, Phineas I. Godwinn and Henry O. Godwinn (w/ Hillbilly Jim) def. Owen Hart, The British Bulldog, Marty Jannetty and Leif Cassidy (w/ Clarence Mason) via elimination in 20:41.

Marty Jannetty sneaks about the ring, trying to tickle his opponents until finally Phil Lafon comes into the ring and gets Marty into a great arm lock that Jannetty gets out of by jumping off the top rope. He takes a brutal clothesline from Phil and tags out. At this point, Leif Cassidy comes in but Marty hops about outside, clearly very badly hurt, or at least selling a leg injury very well. Both Leif and Phil have some great chain-wrestling in the middle of the ring with a submission manoeuver that is cancelled by a grab to the bottom rope.

Phineas comes into the ring and spits into the air, catches it and rubs it into his hair. JR talks about the Clintons. How apt.

Leif gives Phineas an absolutely lovely body slam but the hillbilly isn’t very happy about it and responds with a body slam of his own. He goes to bounce off the ropes and Jannetty hits him in the back. Owen is tagged in and Bulldog helps him double-team Phineas. They distract the ref and take the time to beat on the Godwinn until Leif comes back in and tags in hurt-leg Marty Jannetty. The announcers reveal that Owen is ticked off at Bret returning. Marty goes to the top rope and attempts a high-risk move but is thwarted by Phineas who attempts a superplex which is equally countered. Marty then tried an elbow drop and Phineas rolls out of the way to tag in his brother Henry.

JR tells us “Business is gonna pick up!” and indeed it does. Henry beats on Marty for a while, tossing him around like a great big child. When Henry goes into the corner, Phines dives in front of him, cushioning the blow. Leif attempts the same for his teammate and gets a boot to his chest from Henry for his efforts. Henry gets Marty in position for the Slop Drop and eliminates him with a pin.

Marty Jannetty has been eliminated by Henry Godwinn in 8:12.

Owen rolls in, hits Henry with a spinning heel kick and eliminated him with a pin.

Henry Godwin has been eliminated by Owen Hart in 8:18.

The teams are equal once again. Phineas is in and he’s cleaning house, throwing everyone out. Owen tags Bulldog in who hits Phineas with a powerslam and eliminates him with a pin.

Phineas Godwinn has been eliminated by The British Bulldog in 9:04.

Sweet baby Jesus, that’s three pins in less than a minute. The teams are now 3-2 with the advantage being the heel team of Leif Cassidy, Owen Hart and The British Bulldog. Both Godwinns are out and only Doug Furnas and Phil Lafon survive. Bulldog and Furnas waste time as a replay is shown on the screen. Some lovely running of the ropes until Furnas botches a dropkick and lands awkwardly. JR sells the dropkicks and tells us Furnas was a world-class powerlifter at one time. Owen strangles Furnas and Leif hits a half-Nelson slam followed by a brutal spinebuster.

Furnas is in the corner and getting beaten on by the heel time. Hart hits Furnas with a fantastic dropkick, almost killing him. Furnas gets Owen in a small package and receives a clothesline as a receipt followed by a fisherman suplex with bridge. JR wonders why there are two referees (one on the outside and one on the in) yet there are so many double teams. Bulldog hits a lovely delayed suplex (such strength) and tags out to get Leif in. Furnas has been getting his arse handed to him for a while now. He needs to tag out of build some momentum. Hot tag to Lafon who hits Cassidy with a reverse suplex from Bret’s rope followed by a quick pin.

Leif Cassidy has been eliminated by Phil Lafon in 13:43.

What a move! What a guy! Bulldog comes in, both teams down to two. Lafon and Bulldog have a lovely back-and-forth including some lovely chops. A pin attempt and fail. Bulldog gives Phil a huge press and Owen is in, hitting Lafon with a belly-to-belly followed by a neckbreaker and elbow drop from Bret’s rope. Lafon is kicking out from every move going and Vince tells us to forget about the double clothesline Owen and Bulldog hit Lafon with. Bulldog hits Lafon between the legs like a prick. JR complains about Harvey Whippleman. Lafon tries to get a tag but Owen knocks Furnas off the apron. In the ensuing chaos, Bulldog appears and a failed double-team ends with Bulldog getting pinned!

The British Bulldog has been eliminated by Phil Lafon in 17:22.

It’s only Owen left versus the newcomers! Oh good Lord! What a time to be alive! Bulldog doesn’t take his elimination lightly and tackles Lafon’s leg, which Owen then goes for again and again. Vince suggests that we might see the Sharpshooter in a moment. Owen leg drops Lafon’s leg and gets ready for the Sharpshooter. Lafon is surviving it but Furnas jumps in to break the hold and Owen breaks it himself. Ladfon gets the reverse enziguri and Furnas is tagged in. Owen takes a lovely dropkick followed by a lovely belly-to-belly followed by a German suplex for the pin in 20:41.

Owen Hart has been eliminated by Doug Furnas. The survivors are Doug Furnas and Phil Lafon!

2016 comments:

Very good match. Very happy with it. Slow start but great end. If every match on the card attempts to be as good as that then this is going to be a great Survivor Series.

1996 comments:

I don’t know half of these lads but by Christ they can wrassle.

Grade: A+

Jerry calls them upstarts and punks, threatening that Owen and Bulldog might raise some merry hell at this. We see a bit of the replay.

Cut to outside on New York City.

On the Card will return on November 24 with the second part of Survivor Series 1996.

Attitude Era #5. In Your House 11: Buried Alive (October 20, 1996) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: An androgynous man in latex is beaten by a feral child as who huge men attempt to lift one another.

Cut to a promo for the Mankind vs. Undertaker feud involving Mankind attacking Taker repeatedly, beating a casket, appearing in places he should not be, stealing an urn, forcing Paul Bearer to betray his beloved Undertaker, cutting the ring and emerging from it, the Boiler Room Brawl, and now… this, the first ever Buried Alive match where The Undertaker is going outside his usual duties of embalming bodies and arranging tasteful floral decorations for the dearly departed and is actually becoming a gravedigger, which is a different job entirely. But, when you put your body into the care of the Phenom, you get the full package.

In the arena, Vince reminds us that this match is unsanctioned and the Fed takes no responsibility for what happens in this match. Mankind appears with Paul and they nervously make their way to the ring. Vince describes Paul as “bulbous” and Jerry calls him a Jack o’ Lantern.

The gong hits and The Undertaker’s music blares. The Undertaker makes his way to the ring slowly, taking his time to walk past the grave. Jerry says that it is raining. When the lights come back on, little time passes before Taker runs at Mankind and the bell rings to start the match.

Buried Alive match: The Undertaker def. Mankind (w/ Paul Bearer) via vivisepulture in 18:25.

“A slugfest ensuing, right off the bat,” according to Vince. The fog clears quite quickly as Taker takes over, kicking Mankind right into the barrier, cracking his head on the metal. Undertaker takes no time in jumping from the turnbuckle to the outside, diving on Mankind. They are close to the grave right now, close already to the hole that they need to push themselves into. Mankind attacks Taker with the butt of the shovel and attempts a suplex into the hole, but Taker reverses it into a roll-up and the pair fall down the hill and back into the ring.

Close up to a child in the audience who Jerry describes as “a creature, all right!” Taker gets the microphone cord to choke Mankind and Jerry makes a sports reference. Mankind is in the crowd now and they fight through it, with Mankind eventually being thrown back over the barrier and Taker dives over it to attack him. Crazy son of a bitch. Vince describes the match as, “Mankind and the Undertaker, having a row.” It’s a bit stronger than a row, Vince.

In the middle of the ring, Undertaker goes for Old School and Paul Bearer pulls the rope, sending Taker to fall, testicle-first onto the ropes. Mankind takes over, screeching like a stuck pig and choking Taker. The announcer’s talk about Mankind’s mangled ear. Paul passes Mankind some kind of shiv and he uses it on Taker. Vince, who, I might remind you, owns the company and allows this unsanctioned match to happen (thereby unofficially sanctioning it) claims that even if it is a no-holds-barred match, a shiv should be illegal. Well, yes. That makes sense. Anything that can legit kill a man should be illegal, even if the match is no-holds-barred.

Undertaker gets the shiv, fights back and hits the leg drop on Mankind before going after our boy Paul. Mankind has a chair, though, and is chasing Taker with it. Taker replies with a boot to the balls to disable Mankind but Paul blindsides him with the urn and Mankind cracks Taker with the chair before… licking it. The crowd chant, “Rest in peace!” at them both.

Mankind walks Taker up to the grave and kids reach out to touch them. They’re at the edge of the grave and Undertaker rolls in! He’s done for! Go, Mick, cover Mark in some dirt! Undertaker fights back, though, pulling Mankind in. Mankind replies with dirt to his face and attempts a hip toss into the grave but it is reversed and Mankind rolls down the hill before they go back into the ring. Mankind hits a brutal piledriver and Jerry marks out at his own move. Mankind then attempts a pin, obviously fails because you can’t pin your opponent in a Buried Alive match and pulls his own hair out in punishment. Taker fights back with some great punches.

Mankind DDTs Taker onto a metal chair. Absolute bastard. Undertaker sits up paranormally and hits Mankind in the back with the chair followed by a leg drop with the chair on his face. Paul shakes his head in disgust but then looks up, sexily, his finger on his lips as if to say, “I won’t tell.” Jesus Paul, come on. This is 1996. Wrestling is still PG, you tease. I just realised that the referee is Earl Hebner. This is how much fun I’m having with this match. Mankind takes off the mat and attempts a piledriver onto the concrete but Undertaker reverses it into a Vertebreaker/sit-down combo. The Steel steps are thrown into the ring and Mankind takes a shot to the face for his effort followed by a shot to the back. Undertaker hits Mick with the Tombstone Piledriver, points to the grave plot and drags Mick to the edge, lifting him in a fireman’s carry and bringing him there.

At the grave plot, Mankind hits the Mandible Claw on Taker and steals the urn to crack Taker but the Deadman gets a chokeslam for his attack. Mankind moves to the end of the plot to… find his oxygen canister, I guess and he is covered in barely enough dirt to finish the match in 18:25.

2016 comments:

Great match. Wasn’t the biggest fan of the constant roll-to-the-grave-have-a-fight-then-roll-back-in-the-ring-for-a-while-then-back-to-the-grave aspect of the match, but absolutely great storytelling, fantastic gimmick and the lads really gave it their all. No need for blood, no need for death-defying moves, just two men who hate each other and want to almost-legitimately kill each other.

1996 comments:

Mankind was in it. Match of the Year.

Grade: A+

Undertaker is told to stop burying Mankind but he does not. He pushes away not one but two referees and continues to throw dirt on Taker. Then… wait… what? Who the fuck is this? A masked man? A lucha? He hits Taker with the shovel and jumps into the grave to dig out Mankind. This masked man then covers the Undertaker in dirt. Mankind helps. Lightning flashes with lots of mental strobes. I’m having a seizure. A confused and swervy seizure. The crowd chant, “Rest in Peace!” and Goldust arrives with a shovel, followed by Trips and Cunt Bradshaw. Paul oversees it, could probably do with a bit of physical work as well, but he does have to hold the urn, I suppose.

The men turf the dirt on Taker, each one potentially murdering a man. People are throwing things in, sodas and the life. You gotta believe that each of these men legitimately are concerned that Mean Mark might not get out of this alive. They’re throwing about a ton of dirt onto a man, like. Jerry sounds concerned as well. I’d like to think that they actually knew everything about this gimmick and that they knew Mark would be safe… but a part of them would probably be figuring out an alibi as well.

After five minutes, the heels have almost completely filled the hole in and thunder booms. The heels… wait… is that Crush? Did Crush come out as well? When did he get here? Anyways, the heels scarper at the sound of thunder but Paul, Mankind and Executioner throw some final handfuls of dirt in the grave and retreat.

Cut to a Coliseum Home Video exclusive of Paul shouting at Mankind in the Boiler Room as Karl Orf’s O Fortuna from the Carmina Burana plays in the background. Mankind talks about maggots eating the Undertaker. Paul introduces The Executioner, a huge, silent, masked man.

Back in the arena, a very badly CG’d lightning bolt hits the graveside and an explosion of sparks erupts as The Undertaker’s hand bursts from the grave, curling into a fist for the audience.

(Note: Though Dark Matches normally take place before PPVs begin, in this instance, there were two dark matches after the Buried Alive match. The reason for this is not entirely known as both matches were PPV quality with one being a six-minute filler tag match between The Godwinns and the New Rockers with the second… being Shawn Michaels defending his WWF Championship title against Goldust! Goldie had already fought an 11-minute match with Marc Mero for the Intercontinental belt and just buried Taker alive and then had another 13-minute match with Shawn for the WWF Championship! Mental stuff. We may never know why these matches were relegated to dark matches however a few reasons might be… Wrestlers wanted a payday and there was no time for their matches on the card… Shawn might not have wanted to be on a PPV and not main event it and as this PPV was based around the Buried Alive match, Shawn would need to be on the undercard and he wasn’t happy about that… Shawn and Goldust weren’t feuding at the time and Shawn and Sid were about to start feuding for Survivor Series… Vince didn’t want the audience to leave on a bum note… The dark matches could be reshown or redone on RAW or a later PPV…)

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No one really stands out here other than both Undertaker and Mankind but I’m choosing Undertaker for putting on one of the best matches of his career.

Woman of the Matches: Between Sunny and Marlena…? Again? Oh, wait, Sable was there too. I’m going to choose neither.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: The Undertaler.

Best Spot: Undertaker flying over the barrier onto Mankind.

Hatches: The Stalker (Blackjack Mulligan), The Executioner (Terry Gordy, one of the Fabulous Freebirds).

Matches: Owen Hart and British Bulldog retain the Tag Team belts. Wildman Marc Mero retains the Intercontinental belt.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: I liked this PPV and it was certainly one of the better In Your House shows. The main event was fantastic and I am honoured to have been alive to see it… unlike the Undertaker.

On the Card will return on November 17 with Survivor Series 1996.