Previously on On the Card: Backlash 2006 was heating up with a decent RVD vs Shelton Bejamin match and a regrettable Big Show vs. Kane match. Can we start some momentum heading into our two main events?
Tony Hawk intro and promo package to show how Vince and Shane came to battle Shawn Michaels and God. Great recap of the WrestleMania 22 match between Vince and Shawn. Vince announces McMahonism, the theology of the future. Vince dares God to strike him down and we see the ring posts spark as he approaches them. Lots of horizons and suns and biblical quotes. Garbage.
Here Comes the Money hits and my boy Shane O Mac pops out. He’s wrestling in shoes, baseball tops and jogging bottoms. I love Shane McMahon. I once had a childhood friend named Shane McMahon, but it was pronounced differently. No Chance hits and old Vinnie Mac swaggers down the ramp like an asshole. JR mentions that he does not want to go to Hell for any reason. Vince takes the mic and announced “one of… well, the only tag team partner Shawn Michaels will have tonight… God!” There is spot on the Titantron, harp music and the spot moves towards the ring slowly. Vince stops the spot halfway down the ramp and tells off the spotlight. McMahon reminds God that it is the WWE and that he must “get jiggy with it.” Funky music plays, God’s spot continues its descent, the world gets dumber as Vince dances. JR says, “someone call 911.”
The spot circles the ring and enters the ring. Vince quips, “The hell is that? He snuck up behind me.” Vince makes the ref to check God out and see if he has any illegal weapons. Vince then reveals that the match is now No Holds Barred. Praise be the name of Vincent Kennedy McMa-
FUCK THAT, HBK’S MUSIC HITS.
Shawn has still got it. Ten years after Shawn won the WWF Champrionship in a 60-minute Iron Man Match with Bret Hart, he still has it. What a guy. He falls to his knees, pyro hits and the women are still mental in the crowd. JR says, “you might as well say it… a handicap match!”
Vince, on the mic, threatens that Shawn “and God are gonna go straight to hell!” and gets a slap for his trouble.
The McMahons def. Shawn Michaels via pinfall in 19:57
I will refuse to count this as anything other than what it is: a handicap match. That is not because I’m an Atheist or even that I’m a diehard Christian, but just that the gimmick is weak on the ground. We get it, Vince, Shawn is a Born-Again Christian and you’re trying to antagonise him. Good job. Let’s move on.
HBK beats on Vince for a while, Shane tries to break them up and gets a wallop for his trouble. Shane gets a great back body drop and HBK hits a cross-body suicide dive over the top rope. Shane and Shawn go over the top rope but HBK holds on, pulls himself back in and hits the senton suicide dive. One minute in and Shawn has jumped out twice. HBK chant rises as the man himself walks Shane up the Titantron. The pair swap punches and Shane gets HBK into a piledrive, walks back to the steel grate and gets flipped by HBK. Vince turns up with a chair and HBK beats him down. He then throws Shane into the spiked decorations at the side of the Titantron, spins and hits the cross-body on Vince, knocking them both off the Titantron and onto a pad on the floor. HBK regrets the jump a split second before his feet leave the floor.
HBK is up and climbing up to the Titantron and there is Shane to crack him with a steel chair shot to the face. Shane goes to check on his daddy. The camera follows him so that Michaels can blade. By the time Shane makes his way back to the ramp, HBK is bust open and bleeding all over his chest. JR states that Vince is “losing his mind… in my opinion.” HBK is rolling about, the blood is on Shane’s shirt and the pair of them are selling each shot. Great arm drag takedown into the security wall by Shane. Back in the ring, Michaels is jumping from each shot Shane gives him. Vince is back at ringside. Shane is beating on Michaels like a madman. Great backdrop from the Boy Wonder. Shane goes to the top turnbuckle and goes for a great elbow but Michaels rolls out of the way. Shawn starts punching back, Vince is waiting for the tag… even though it is a no-holds-barred match.
Vince is tagged in and removes his belt. He starts whipping on Michaels and jabbering to himself. Cameramen by ringside. Brilliant match so far, but the pace has slowed after the initial spots. Vince asks Shane for a weapon and his son obliges by throwing in a trash can, cracking Michaels right on the head. Vince gets the mic and starts shouting at God in the corner, claiming that he is leaving Michaels alone in the ring. The cameraman even follows God. Vince threatens Shawn and goes for Sweet Chin Music but Michaels catches the boot and runs the ropes. Both men are down and Shane is knocked to the floor. Vince starts to stagger to his feet and Shawn does his patented kip-up, dodged a chair shot from Shane (which cracks Vince), knocks Shane to his feet. Another kip-up, an atomic drop and Michaels starts battering forearms on Shane, knocking him down, getting him up, knocking him down.
Big body slam and Michaels is on the top rope, dropping a fearsome elbow “onto the black heart of the crown prince of the McMahon Empire,” says our man JR. The crowd count to each stomp of the boot and HBK hits Sweet Chin Music on both McMahons before going under the ring to take out two tables. They’re slid into the ring and JR reminds us (as if we would forget) that this match is no DQ. The crowd chant “we want tables!” even though that tables are already there. Blind boys of Kentucky.
Shawn drapes Shane over the table and pops to the outside. Some lad in the crowd is wearing a Venom T-shirt, nice one. Michaels throws Vince inside the ring. Jerry says, “Looks like McMahon was… praying there. That couldn’t be the case, could it?” JR replies, “I don’t think he knows how. I think that would be foreign territory for him.” Both McMahons (the McMen) are on the tables and Shawn pulls a huuuuuge ladder from under the ring, pushes it in and gets it set up. It is damn near the size of the ring. The commentators say 20 feet. At one point, JR admits he is not a Home Depot guy and says that it must be 30 feet…. At least. From the size of Michaels (just over 6 feet), he is just under halfway the height of the ladder, so it must be around 15 feet or so, which is still a fearsome height. He clambers up it, gets ready and jumps… outside the ring onto the Spirit Squad.
Yes! The Spirit Squad, the Tag Team Champions are ringside, all five of the emerald cunts, or, as JR calls them, “The most annoying quintet in the WWE.” He fights back but the Squad take over and stomp Michaels, punch and beat on him. They jump into the ring and pull Shane and Vince out of harm’s way, dismantling the weapons in the ring. JR notices that, at this point, it is seven-on-one. The squad grab a limb each, throw Michaels into the air and smash him on a table. Vince crooks his leg and gets the pin in 19:57.
As JR says at the end of the match: “That was bullshit.” And it was. The ending was garbage. At least let Michaels get the big spot or reverse it so that Shane elbows Shawn through the tables or something. The match was a shit sandwich – great spots at the start, great spots at the end and garbage in between. That said, the spots really upped the score somewhere into the stratosphere.
Fucking love Shawn and Shane but Vince looks like a sausage.
JR apologises for his language. Jerry says, “the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit… Squad”. The referee shakes his head over Michael’s body. Vince shakes his big steroid arms.
Cut backstage to introduce my boy “the most controversial champion in WWE History” John Cena. Cena looks the same even though it’s ten years ago. In that time, he has won the championship a further thirteen times. His hands are huge. He relates the fact that he does not need to be pinned in order to lose the championship. He bigs up Lillian Garcia and says he’s going to keep the belt.
Matt Striker comes out to give everyone a lesson. He was, according to JR, fired for “conduct unbecoming of a schoolteacher.” He actually was a legit high school teacher. He’s a great guy on the mic and riles up the crowd about fried chicken, illegally recruited basketball players and their lack of education. As a teacher myself, this man has class. He introduces “one of the smartest men to ever come from Kentucky” and out comes… Eugene. Oh Christ.
I like Eugene. I have a soft spot for him. Is he a great wrestler? No. Is he the underdog? Yes. Is he an offensive stereotype? Oh fuck yes.
Striker makes fun of Eugene and says he can’t spell his own name. He gives the chalk to Eugene, dares him to prove Striker wrong and spell his own name. Striker makes fun of Ashley Judd. Eugene reveals that he has not spelled his name and, instead, under “Matt Striker” he wrote, “loves poop” which is fair enough.
But who among us is not a closet poop fan? Let he who is without sin cast the first poop.
Striker really heels it up and claims that he is not a coprophiliac. Eugene starts up a “You love poop” chant. It’s 2006, guys. Come on.
Eugene has found a booger in his nose and threatens to eat it. Striker bravely stops him and Eugene thanks him by giving him the booger. Then stunners Striker while JR sells some BBQ sauce by the side. “It’ll take more than my barbeque sauce to make that feel good.” JR is crying ringside. Tony Hawk intro of the main event and it needs a main event promo to introduce it. We see the HHH vs. Cena match from WrestleMania 22 where Cena retained the belt after tapping Trips out. At the Monday Night Raw after WrestleMania, bust-face Edge says that he and he alone is worthy of the WWE Championship. We see HHH beating Cena, then Cena beating Edge then Edge beating HHH. Like some bastard game of rock-paper-scissors, these men are all starter Pokémon in this main event match.
Edge’s best theme with the lyrics plays and out he comes with Lita. They’re both great. I love Edge and Lita looks one hundred percent. Edge is taking big breaths and Trip’s The Game hits. Out he comes, taking about half an hour to walk thirty feet and drink half a bottle of water. And he spills half of it on the ramp. Hunter, there are children in Afric- you know what? Forget it. You wouldn’t care anyways. Big sign of “On Your Knees, Dog.” Poor kid holding the comma. Triple H, not happy with wasting an entire night walking to the ring, now finds that he cannot get down from the turnbuckle. Poor tucker. Trips chews on some tobacco as well.
John Cena music. The man himself raps it. Out he comes, shouting at the crowd, all hyped up on muscles and hustle. He has the same love/hate split as he does now. Personally, I love Cena and can’t get enough of the man. The wrestler is okay, but John Cena the man is a hero, a real-life superhero.
WWF Championship Triple Threat match: John Cena (c) def. Edge w/ Lita and Triple H via pinfall in 17:33
Match begins and the three men get a Mexican standoff started first. Edge speaks for a while and removes himself from the ring, leaving Cena and Trips to beat each other up. Fast shoulder presses followed by a quick suplex and a pin attempt broken up by Edge. Trips hits Cena with an inverted atomic drop and a high knee followed by a second pin attempt broken by Edge. Cena and Trips punch the shit out of each other for a while and the two men turn to stare at Edge, pulling him into the ring and start a game of punch-tennis where Edge is the ball. The Rated-R Superstar is outside and John and Hunter beat on Edge for a while, bouncing his head off the announcer’s table.
Edge is rolled back in but then the Triple Threat resumes with Trips throwing out Cena and going for Edge. The two men go at each other for a bit and seems gassed. Cena pulls at Trips’ legs, bouncing his face off the apron. Cena goes top-rope and for the first time in history, no one stops him. He hits the splash on Edge followed by a spinout powerbomb that leads to a Five Knuckle Shuffle attempt before Lita pulls on the ropes, flipping Cena outside. Trips is back inside the ring and hits Edge with the running knee. He goes for the pin and gets nothing but a two-count.
Edge runs at Trips and the Game hits him with a fucking beeeeautiful spinebuster. Edge lands a reversal badly on his ankle and runs the ropes. Trips gets Edge into a sleeper hold and the crowd chant for our man Cena. Cena lifts both Edge and Trips for the FU and Edge hits him with a spear. Cena is hurting and Carlito Jr. is outside the ring there. Edge gets Trips into position for the catapult to the turnbuckle and Hunter takes the time to blade. As soon as he hits the ring post, he spins and shows off his blood. Good man yourself. He is bust wide open and is set to bleed like a motherfucker when he’s thrown on the announcers table. Trips gets a DDT from Edge, but the table doesn’t break. Trips is really badly bleeding right now, steams of blood dripping from his huge forehead, pools of it outside the ring.
Inside, Edge and Cena are going at it. Edge hits Cena with a spear and the crowd only care about Trips. Cena gets Edge into the STFU and the Rated-R Superstar is ready to tap. Both men are screaming, Edge is clawing his way to the ropes and Triple H’s hand stops Edge from tapping or grabbing the rope and busts Cena with the microphone. Trips cracks Edge with a brutal headshot that probably leads to Edge’s retirement years later. Trips is in the ring and a drop toe hold from Cena leads to the STFU on trips. His face is a crimson mask. My favourite spot as the ref lifts Trips hand and lets it drop once, twice, thr- NO! TRIPLE H STOPS HIS HAND FROM FALLING. HE’S STILL IN THE GAME. THE GAME IS IN THE GAME. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.
Triple H lifts Cena up, crawls to the rope and breaks the hold. Cena is up and poised to hit the FU but Trips reverses, gets ready for the Pedigree and Cena hits another drop toe hold and another STFU. Edge is up, he’s on the top rope, he’s ready to jump and Cena is up, punching Edge, falling back, knocking the ref senseless. From the top, Cena gets Edge ready for the FU when Trips is up, gets Cena in the electric chair, falls back and all three men hit the canvas.
Lita is in with a steel chair. She runs at Trips and he spinebusters her. What a fucking champ. Trips has the chair up, he decides not to hit anyone, exits the ring and gets… THE SLEDGEHAMMER. His head is just bloody, the poor bastard. Cena is getting up when Edge spears Trips out of nowhere. He has the sledgehammer now, goes to beat Cena and gets lifted for an FU. Trips low-blows Cena, Edge falls out of the ring and a Pedigree attempt turns until a roll-up by Cena for the one-two-three.
Simple and effective mayhem. You were left guessing with each manouever. No one got their big move off, which seems like a cheap match, but then everyone goes over and everyone gets heat. If Cena had hit someone with the FU or Trips hit the Pedigree and they tapped out then Cena or Trips would look weak. In this match, it was really between powerhouses Cena and Trips. Edge was the plucky underdog and got off a bunch of powerful spears, did not get pinned and lost clean. Even Trips lost because Cena was quick-thinking as opposed to better. Great fucking match.
I hope wrestlers just bleed forever.
Trips stops Cena’s celebrations with a sledgehammer attack and then goes to beat up the ref and Edge for good measure. Big cheers from the crowd, Trips hits the crotch chops and his music blares. The King still reigns and his big roid-belly is covered in red, red blood. Trips really looks fucked. I’m surprised he doesn’t fall off the damn ramp, the psycho. Some replays of the last seconds in the ring. JR: “Mah Gawd, what a triple threat match. Mah Gawd what a night!”
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: Déjà vu here, but Shawn Michaels. That man was on from start to finish. He took a hell of a bump off the top of that ladder and his match was held by him. Cena and Edge and Trips did a good job, but Shawn took the lion’s share of his matches.
Woman of the Matches: Not many to choose from here, with the only one women’s match. I’d have to give it to Trish Stratus, though. Wrestling with a dislocated shoulder? You’re hard as fuck, wee girl.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.
Best Spot: Michaels tackling Vince off the stage.
Hatches: Technically all of the wrasslers in the PPV are hatches as they appear for the first time on this blog, but none are legit hatches as they have wrestled in the Fed before now. Still, I will name them thusly: Carlito, Chris Masters, Umaga, Ric Flair, Mickie James, Trish Stratus, Rob Van Dam, Shelton Benjamin, Big Show, Kane, Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, Shawn Michaels, Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, Mikey (Spirit Squad) Triple H, Edge, John Cena. The managers were Armando Alejandro Estrada and Lita. We had Maria and Todd interviewing, Candice in the background and Jumping Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler on announcing duty along with the wonderful and shaken Lillian Garcia.
Matches: Rob Van Dam wins Shelton Benjamin’s WWE Intercontinental title and both Mickie James and John Cena retain.
Closing Statements: It was not as bad as I remember it being, although it might be because I fucking loved the last match, which is what a bad PPV should have. PPVs should be like pizza, I suppose. Even if it’s shite, let it end with a bang.
On the Card will return on May 21 with the Smackdown PPV Judgment Day.