Attitude Era #12. In Your House 15: A Cold Day in Hell (May 11, 1997) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Ken Shamrock!

Replays cut to two weeks ago at Raw is War where Austin stunnered Undertaker and the Deadman replies with a chokeslam – which the announcer incorrectly states is a Tombstone Piledriver – and cut to the arena where Austin’s music hits and he rocks down to the ring, pointing at the crowd. Two smelly marks go ballistic for him. Austin goes to the corner, jaws off to the crowd for a bit. There’s a lovely shot of the crowd. A lot of Austin 3:16 shirts.

Undertaker’s bells ring and down comes the WWF Champion – second, for good reason – and takes his long walk to the ring. He stands at the ring steps and stares at Stone Cold for a bit before popping the lights on with a raise of his hands. He’s dressed like Vigo the Carpathian again. Austin stands nose to nose with the Deadman, showing how tall he is. The crowd go ballistic as the Hart Foundation – mental Brian Pillman, Owen Hart, Bret Hart, British Bulldog and Jim “The Anvil” Neithart – stroll down to take their seats. Austin and Taker are united – briefly – in their distaste for the Harts. As Earl Hebner roars off to the newcomers, Austin’s patience grows thin and he attacks Undertaker from behind, starting the match.

WWF Championship Match: The Undertaker (c) vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Stone Cold chases Taker around the ring, not even letting him get his jacket off, bouncing his head off the turnbuckle. Big pop as Taker fights back, Austin slides out and runs to the Hart Foundation, dragging Owen Hart over the barricade and beating the shite out of him. Undertaker breaks it up, throws Owen back over the barricade, rolls Austin into the ring – after tossing him into the steel steps – and continues with the match. Austin takes a jumping clothesline from Taker but the subsequent pin bears no fruit.

Undertaker twists Austin’s arm and hits some shoulder barges. The two men have a wee chat mid-ring and we cut to the Hart Foundation before back in the ring where Taker is halfway through Old School. Referee Earl Hebner is sliding about the ring. Austin hits a snapmare and holds Taker there for some time. Taker rolls him over into a pin but Austin rolls back. Rest Hold City. Even the announcers are silent for some time. Quite awkward. Taker attempts to get rid of Austin but another snapmare and another roll into pin and more Rest Hold City. Austin shouts his spots at Taker and together, they stand up. Austin finally gets Taker to his feet and gets shoved away in an Irish Whip. Taker does not sell the shoulder barge and another snapmare into more Rest Hold City. Bret smiles at the camera.

Christ, this is slow, isn’t it? Something is happening, apparently, as the crowd stand. Cut to Anvil shouting something. Taker hits a terrific backdrop, Austin lands it, hitting Taker’s left knee and hammering on him. Taker fights back, chokes Austin and tosses him into a corner. The crowd go bananas. Austin has Taker’s leg and wraps it around the ring post. He does it a few times. Austin gives the Hart Foundation the finger. Big pop from the crowd. Austin’s face takes a shot from the ring post. He drags Taker over to the ropes and butt bumps Taker’s knee once again. He is focussing on Taker’s knee for ages.

Austin dodges a backbody drop and Austin hits the STF on Taker. Taker gets to the ropes, breaks the hold and gets an elbow to the throat for his effort. Good man, Austin. More butt bumps to Taker’s knee but the Deadman retaliates by kicking Austin out over the ropes. JR puts over both Austin and Undertaker’s toughness. Bit of ankle locks here from Taker onto Austin. He fights back. Punches to the face. Taker is up, beating on Austin mercilessly. Single-leg Boston Crab on Stone Cold. Austin rolls out and calls a time out on Taker but he gets given no quarter. Austin attempts a figure four and fails. Austin rolls out, drags Taker halfway out, batters the knee off the apron edge and attempts a pin.

Very slow match. Time wasting. Lovely suplex in the middle of the ring. Austin foolishly believes that this will cause a pin attempt. Lovely martial arts kick from Taker followed by a second Old School attempt but – as we can all guess – Austin stops this one, dropping Taker on his Dead, Dead Balls. Austin goes for the Bret’s Rope Superplex, but gets pushed off. Elbow from Taker and Austin is up. Taker hits the sleeper and Austin replies with a jawbreaker – or, as King rightly says, “Almost a stunner!”

Stone Cold bounces Taker’s head off the corner, hammers him in one corner, threatens the ref and takes a shot to the balls from Austin. Ref Earl Hebner shouts at Austin, who gives him the finger behind his back. Undertaker low blows Austin and when he gives off to Earl, he gets the double fingers from the ref himself followed by a chokeslam. Austin fights back, hits the stunner mid-ring and JR goes bananas as the bell rings…

Brian Pillman! You wacky banana! He was battering the ring bell to cause the distraction.

Taker sits up, hits the Irish Whip, getting Austin up for the Tombstone but Austin retaliates, getting Taker up for a Tombstone of his own! But wait, Taker fights back, finally hits the Tombstone and the slow three count for the win.

The Undertaker has pinned Stone Cold Steve Austin for the win in 20:06.

2017 comments:

Not a great match. Very slow. Lots of time wasting. Seemed like a house show, almost. Very disappointing.

1997 comments:

Who are these mediocre wrestlers?

Grade: C.

Shameful main event from both men. The Hart Foundation rock into the ring and hammer on Taker, stomping a mudhole in him. Austin sees Bret in the wheelchair, tips him over and goes after the Foundation with Bret’s crutch. Undertaker chokes Owen as Austin stands on top of the turnbuckle, watching the Foundation leave. Fink announces that Taker is still the champ and Austin Stunners him, rolls out of the ring and back in with the crutch, following the Foundation out of the arena. Undertaker follows, very upset about the whole thing.

Despite all this, after the lights went down, there was another match not televised between the Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal) and Owen Hart and the British Bulldog for the WWE Tag Team Championship, of which LOD were the challengers. It was a loss by DQ. Kind of explains the entire PPV, doesn’t it?

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No real stand-out matches or competitors here, so I’d have to go for Ahmed Johnson for lasting over ten minutes in the ring. Good man, Ahmed.

Woman of the Matches: Just Chyna, I suppose.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Chyna.

Best Spot: Stone Cold and Undertaker Tombstone reversal.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Undertaker retains his WWF World Heavyweight Championship; Owen Hart and the British Bulldog retain their WWF Tag Team Championships.

Dispatches: No real dispatches. Faarooq is out until Ground Zero; Flash Funk is out until One Night Only; The Rock is out until Badd Blood.

Closing Statements: Not a good PPV at all. No great matches, no great spots, very short. All in all, a real disappointment.

On the Card will return on June 8 2017 with King of the Ring 1997.

 

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Ruthless Aggression #17. Backlash (April 29, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Bad Benoit match followed by a bad ECW match. One is a surprise.

Cut to Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole. They shill the next PPV, Judgment Day.

Cut to a promo for the next match: Undertaker vs. Batista. Taker was the winner there, after a hard-fought match in which Batista almost looked like he could win. But Taker did, obviously. Batista wasn’t too happy about that and demanded his rematch. Teddy Long put it as a Last Man Standing match. This promo really makes both men look awesome… until Taker asks for Batista’s soul. Then it becomes silly. Tony Chimel reminds us of the rules to this match.

Batista’s music hits and the pop is… subdued. He hits his farty machine gun pyro anyways. He is wearing a bandage on his right leg – the victim of many a shillelagh attack by our boy Finlay over the last wee while. Cunt JBL says that the Last Man Standing match requires only a pair of fists and a bucket of guts to survive. I dispute that.

Undertaker’s theme hits and the smoke fills the arena. Taker arrives, holding the belt in his hand, letting it dangle by his side. What a guy. Cunt JBL is desperate to see these two lads beat each other up because he’s the worst.

Taker slowly removes his hat. Batista coughs.

Last Man Standing match for the World Heavyweight Championship: The Undertaker (c) vs. Batista.

Big boot to Batista to start off and Taker hits a number of elbows before throwing Batista into the corner and takes over. Undertaker is wearing a bandage on his right elbow. Both men are injured in this match. Chekov’s bandage. Taker starts to hit Old School and gets it fine, fine, just fine. Couple of headbutts from the Deadman and Batista hits a bodyslam but stumbles. Is it a botch or is it psychology? We may never know, though the announcers are very clear about it. Batista batters Taker’s head off things and gets thrown into the ring steps himself. Ref begins a count but only gets to four. Taker starts kicking on the injured leg of Batista and the announcers still sell their injuries. The pair share kicks. Batista is lying on the apron and Taker gives him a wee boot followed by a great big leg drop. Ref begins another count but Batista is up and throwing Taker into the steel ring steps before he gets to ten.

In the ring, Batista goes to the top rope but Taker delivers a punch to knock him down before he can jump. Taker goes up top and attempts the big ole superplex – and actually gets it! The ref starts his double count and gets to eight. Batista is wobbling. Great job all together. They trade some punches. Batista finally ducks a punch and gets a clothesline. This is a match where, due to the stipulation, the pair of them work at a slower pace. Every punch is heavy. Every knock down is concussive. Another clothesline, another count and Batista hits the bodyslam and leg drop. Maggle tells us that we can feel a shift in the arena… aye, a wee shift, yeah, the crowd are dead. Then Taker throws Batista out and takers the top of the Smackdown announcer’s table off. The crowd pops for that. Batista counters an Irish whip and Taker goes into the barricade. Batista lifts Taker up but the Deadman counters into some attempt of a backbreaker. Announcers sell it but it looks shite. Taker hits Batista with the steel ring steps and has a wee sit. Batista blades and is bust open.

Batista swipes away at Taker ineffectively and Batista is placed on the table. Taker steps on the barricade and hits a lovely leg drop on Batista, destroying the table. Great. Batista is bust wide open and a fan gives him a wee pat on the bum when he gets to his feet for the ten count. In the ring, Taker is running at Batista, hits Snake Eyes and gets a spear for his effort. That would normally be good for maybe a few seconds, but we are led to believe that it will knock him down for ten? Madness. A spinebuster, another count, two more spinebusters and another count. Taker gets to nine and Batista attempts the Batista Bomb but the Phenom escapes, hits the big chokeslam and a double count starts. Once again, both men are up at nine. Undertaker goes to give the ten punch and Batista lifts Undertaker up for a thunderous Batista Bomb. Taker can’t get to his feet… but does before ten. Batista goes out and gets a chair. He’s had enough of this shite. Big chair shot to Undertaker’s head and he attempts another bomb but Taker hits the back body drop on him. Batista is to his feet and gets a Tombstone. Undertaker is amazed that Batista gets to his feet. Both men brawl to the outside.

The two men fight their way up the ramp – a compulsory part of any Last Man Standing match. Taker is ready to throw Batista off the Titantron but Batista fights back. Attempt a Batista Bomb on the steel stage. Taker goes to the edge to check to that there’s a safe spot for Batista to fall upon and carries him over. Batista escapes, hits the spear and both men rock off the Titantron, releasing farty pyro and McMahon-Millions-style set being dropped on them. Ref hits the fastest ten count ever and ends the match.

Neither men answer the count of ten and so Undertaker retains World Heavyweight Championship in 20:23.

2017 comments:

Very long, but it needs to be for this style of match. Inconsistent booking and selling – punches got five counts and finishers got the same. Ending was cheap and guff.

2007 comments:

That last angle looked awesome, actually.

Grade: B.

Cole says: “There is no last man standing tonight,” as both men stand up pretty much instantly.

Cut to Jim Ross and Jerry selling the match. They set up the mmmmmmmain event between our boys Edgy, HBKy, Ceny and Ortony. There was a poll done and Cena won with 50% of the vote, followed by HBK at 34%, Orton at 10% and the Rated-R Superstar trailing with a measly 6%. That’s what happens when you fuck over Fat Matt Hardy, my boy.

Cut to a Green-Day-Longview-inspired promo for this Fatal 4-Way. It doesn’t seem to have the gravitas that it should have. Cut to recaps of matches over the last wee while. So these boys have fought each other a bit and Cena has usually won. This is a horrible promo.

Finally, Shawn enters to his Sexy Boy music! How long have we been waiting for this? Months! He gets a barely-there pop for it and sets off lovely big pyro behind him. JR has to recap the last match because the promo package did such a bad job of doing it!

Edge’s awesome music hits and the WWE Championship graphic hits for some unknown reason. Edge is springing about the ring.

Hey! It’s Randy Orrrrrrton! He hits the legend-killer pose and jogs to the ring like the jobber he is. All four of these men were tag-teams and fought at the last PPV. Why isn’t this a bigger thing?

The crowd pop for our man Cena as he rocks down to the ring, shouting and yelling. He slips into the ring and hits the ropes before throwing up his fists for the crowd.

Fatal 4-way match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton.

All four men stand in their corners and look at each other for a while. Everyone waits to make the first move. Shawn moves towards Cena and the two have a wee chat. Orton and Edge come over, both slap the other two and soon all four men are looking at each other. Shawn and Cena give tandem punches to the Rated-RKO team before Shawn gives some lovely chops to Cena’s chest, giving some fantastic “Woo”s from the crowd. Fisherman’s suplex and both men are down. Edge and Randy are in and toss Shawn and Cena out. Both men square off. King says, “behove.”

Lovely punches and a standing dropkick. Edge rolls out and Cena rolls him back in. Shawn drags out Randy and punches him before Cena knocks them both down and Edge knocks him down. Very nice. Edge tosses Randy into a very safe ring step spot before body slamming Cena, attempting to do the same to Michaels but it is reversed. Shawn goes top rope and moonsaults outside, hitting Edge and Randy pretty badly. Shawn rolls Edge into the ring and gives him some lovely chops. Double clothesline and both men are down.

Cena is top rope and hits a lovely leg drop that knocks down both men. Cena pins Michaels but gets nothing. Orton hits Cena with a lovely clothesline and tosses out Michaels and Edge. Both Orton and Cena go at one another and Orton hits a lovely backbreaker followed by a stompy womp and big jumping knee. The frosted-tip ref hits a thunderous pin-count but Cena kicks out. Randy is thrown into the corner but Cena misses his shoulder barge. Michaels rocks in and chops away on Orton, getting big “woo!”s, followed by a shoulder barge and kip up but Edge boots him in the face and goes for a pin attempt that Orton breaks up. Both men have a wee chat and join together to beat on Michaels. Rated-RKO hit the legend killer pose and Edge knocks Cena off the apron and into the ECW announcers, who have something exciting happen to them for a wee change.

Michaels hits his inside-out spot in the corner and the team give him a double back-body drop followed by double Boston crab. Michaels can’t seem to reach the ropes. The announcers wonder that if Shawn taps out, who would be the winner? Fatal four-way rules mean that the person hitting the submission would win. Ah well, it don’t matter none because Cena pops in and hits a double sunset-neckbreaker and cleans out. Spin-out powerbomb on Edge and a Five-Knuckle Shuffle on the Rated-R Superstar. Both Orton and Michaels pull Cena out and throw him into the ringpost. Then Orton is pushed in by Michaels.

Orton is thrown onto the announce table and as Michaels is ready to piledrive Orton, Edge hits him with a chair and bops Randy on the head with the chair. Edge goes mid-ring and attempts to hit Cena but Cena applies the STFU instead. Good man, Cena. Edge has lovely facials. Edge gets to the rope and Cena breaks the hold… but it’s no DQ, right? STFU to Orton and Michaels is in to break it up. Pin attempt and Cena gets the big chops. Michaels hits the shoulder-barge, kip-up, atomic drops to all three men. Orton and Edge are tossed out and Cena gets a bodyslam. Michaels goes to the top rope and hits the big elbow drop on Cena. He strikes up the band, tuning it up for Sweet Chin Music but Edge intervenes. Lovely body slam and another elbow drop on Edge and JR incorrectly calls it, “Air Canada,” despite the fact that Michaels is American. Edge is Canuck though.

Orton comes in and Michaels body slams him, attempts another elbow drop but Cena goes up to hit the Super FU but Rated-RKO lift Cena’s legs up and all four men hit the mat, hard. Lots of lying down. Cena attempts to FU Edge, but there are a number of counters before Michaels jumps on Edge as he is getting an FU, stopping Cena from hitting it. Orton comes in, RKOs Michaels – and shows off a horrible-looking bloody blotch on his inner thighs – and Edge hits a lovely DDT on Cena, getting only a two-count. Edge looks pretty intense and gets ready to spear Cena, who jumps over him, delivering Edge into an almost-RKO. A couple of false finishes and finally Michaels Sweet Chin Music’s Cena, who falls onto Orton and accidentally gets the pin.

John Cena has accidentally pinned Randy Orton and retains the WWE Championship in 19:21.

2017 comments:

Wow. What a fantastic match with great spots, pin attempts, close calls, lovely choreography and ruined by a horrible ending. I don’t think either Orton or Cena knew it was the finish.

2007 comments:

Whut.

Grade: B.

Cena’s music hits and although he was probably supposed to win, not one man looks like they knew it. JR says that Cena was in the right place at the right time and this is probably true. Shawn is pissed off at Cena and is roaring at him. Michaels takes a seat in the corner and leaves the ring, still ticked off. Both men make it look like they genuinely have heat.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Apparently, after the WrestleMania match last month, Shawn had genuine heat with Cena and was unhappy about how the match went due to Cena not selling his leg.

The PPV ends with a pop and fizzle.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No real matches were outstanding but I must say that the choreography in that final match was fantastic. So, I nominate John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge and Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: That was a fantastic match. I’m going to nominate Mickie James.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Mickie James!

Best Spot: Edge spearing Randy, getting FU’d by Cena who gets Sweet Chin Music’d by Shawn Michaels and accidentally gets the pin.

Hatches: We saw Shane McMahon for the first time since Unforgiven, but other than there, there are no other hatches.

Matches: The Hardy Boys retain their World Tag Team Championships; Melina retains her WWE Women’s Championship; [REDACTED] Benoit retains his WWE United States Championship; The Undertaker retains his World Heavyweight Championship; John Cena retains his WWE Championship; Vince McMahon wins the ECW Championship for his first reign.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the final time that we will see Mickie James and The Undertaker in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog. Mickie has an absence due to Melina transitioning into a feud with… Candice Michelle. The Undertaker would leave after the May 11 Smackdown to rehab injuries and would not return until Unforgiven in September.

Closing Statements: It was an okay card and there were flashes of brilliance throughout, but ultimately the endings of the matches were what let this PPV down, sadly.

On the Card will return on May 20 2017 with Judgment Day 2007.

Attitude Era #11. In Your House 14: Revenge of the ‘Taker (April 20, 1997) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Weird Rock match.

Weird cut (must be my DVD) to Sable and Marvellous Wildman Marc Mero. Sable has won a Slammy and mutters her way through a promo. Dok Hendrix asks Mero about his Golden Gloves history as Stone Cold causes hell behind him. It’s very funny. Bulldog and Owen leave with what seems like a golf club. Weird.

Vince can’t seem to understand. He says that it’s a “wild and crazy night”.

Jesus Christ. Jesse James rocks down to the ring, singing a country song. Some mark in the crowd sings away. Jeff Jarrett says he sings that song.

Out comes the Honky Tonk Man. Fuck this guy. The crowd loves him though. Jerry goes crazy because they’re cousins. He sings away. Shit.

Honky gets the mic and cuts a great promo. He threatens to bring out a protégé and screws up the intro as Rockabilly – fucking Billy Gunn – comes out. JR disappears to talk to Honky. Two weeks ago, Billy Gunn got punched by Billy and Honky took him on anyways because he’s an idiot.

Jesse James vs. Rockabilly (with The Honky Tonk Man).

Nice to see Road Dogg and Mr. Ass before it all went south.

Billy hits Jesse and does a dance. Christ. This is going to be hard to watch. Lovely hip toss where Billy jumps very high and yelps, “Oh Jesus!” as he goes over. James jumps off the apron, hammers Billy with a great shot. He threatens Honky, who says, “You’re a goof!” Billy asks for a time out and gets a cheap shot in. Lovely Famasser from Billy when Jesse telegraphs a back body drop. Billy points at his arse, foreshadowing his later moniker.

They talk about Stone Cold getting attacked earlier and apparently Austin is “shaken up”. Bollocks. Lovely neckbreaker and pin attempt. Irish Referee Tim White shrugs. Apparently in the Superstar Room, where viewers can ring in to chat to stars, Sunny and Brian Pillman are asking some personal questions. Billy does a dance, big jump, misses Jesse and faceplants. Both men are down but crawl around until Jesse hits the punches, knocks the fuck out of Billy, goes for the ten punch, gets a whole ten, goes some dances and runs the rope before being tossed out of the ring. Rockabilly falls out of the ring and rolls him in, does a dance and sets up for what seems to be… a superplex? There’s a quick roll-up and Jesse gets the pin.

Jesse James has pinned Rockabilly in 6:46.

2017 comments:

Moments of greatness interspaced with shite.

1997 comments:

These two are relics.

Grade: C.

Honky goes to hit Jesse with the guitar and misses.

Backstage, Kevin Kelly is chatting to Austin. He denies medical attention – and has no injuries to show – and screams. Gorilla Monsoon is hanging about. He says that no one knows who is hurt more than Steve Austin – other than a doctor, apparently – and has moved about the card to ensure that Austin can have more time to heal.

The lad Lance in the Hart locker room repeats everything just said. Bulldog and Owen talk some nonsense about Stone Cold poking his nose into people’s business.

Back by the arena, Vince introduces the next match with a promo showing wrestlers looking scared. Lovely stock sound effects in a modulator, all reversed and twisted. The line, “The deranged battlefield of the mind,” is used amidst children crying. It’s real hammy shit. Paul Bearer is there, too. We see the Paul-in-a-cage match, the Boiler Room Brawl and replays of Mankind using flash paper to get some fire in Taker’s eyes. Lots of use of “blind” and “vision”

Backstage, balding Mankind and screechy Paul cut a promo with Kevin Kelly.

Smoke crawls from the In Your House house as Mankind rocks in with Paul Bearer. He has… a fire extinguisher with him. Brilliant. The sound on my DVD gets a little warped then, like they left the modulator on.

The lights flicker and the crowd goes apeshit as the bells go to announce ‘Taker arriving with some Revenge. He rocks in with some crazy armour on like Viggo the Carpathian. He tosses something into the ring (might be the belt) and attacks Mankind to start the match.

WWE Championship Match: The Undertaker (c) vs. Mankind (with Paul Bearer).

Lots of spooooky smoke in the ring there.

Taker hammers on Mankind in the corner for a while, his hair covering his eye due to the injury. Taker was supposed to be a Deadman, though, impervious to pain. Taker does his Michael Myers sit up and Mankind runs at him. Both men fall out of the ring and land on their feet. Taker ruthlessly throws Mankind into the railings, lifts him and tosses him into the crowd. Undertaker throws him right back onto the mat and rolls in and out of the ring to break the count before hammering Mick’s head off the railings.

Undertaker throws Mankind back into the ring and beats him on the ropes. JR rhymes off a bunch of facts for Mankind’s injuries – the best day of his life was when he lost an ear, one leg is longer than the other due to injury. Taker goes for Old School and continues to beat on the mental man. Paul runs onto the apron and as Taker grabs him, Mankind bonks him on the noggin with the urn. Mankind yanks his hair out like the big psycho he is. It’s Mankind’s turn to take over. Jerry and JR talk about Vader for a bit. Jerry sings Vader’s theme. Mankind hits the spinning neckbreaker, attempts a pin and fails. Paul Bearer is very angry about it.

Mick hits the Vulcan Nerve Grip. Rest hold city.

The crowd chant, “Rest in peace!” as Taker fights back, punching Mankind out of the ring. Taker gets dragged out and the two men have a chat before Mankind gets his head thrown into the steel steps. He retaliates by hitting Undertaker with a pitcher of water. Vince questions how it isn’t a DQ. Mankind gets a chair and hits Taker in the head. No DQ so far. Big Texas Red is getting his head kicked in. Mankind goes to Bret’s rope and hits Undertaker with an elbow to the outside. He boots Taker in the head when he stands up. Close up of Undertaker and his made-up eye.

Big old piledriver in the centre of the ring from Mankind. Taker fights back but gets another piledriver. Mankind squeals like a pig, boy! He follows Taker about, punching him every step of the way until Undertaker eventually retaliates. Lovely running of the ropes and jumping clothesline to allow Taker to fight back. Taker turns on the ref and there is a predictable ref bump. Mankind hits the Mandible Claw and a second ref arrives before being tossed out. Paul throws in a chair and Mankind leaves to get the steel steps. As Mankind lifts them mid-ring, Taker sits up, boots the steps – and Mankind – lifts the chair and cracks Mankind with it. Jerry cannot hide his genuine horror.

Mankind is thrown out, gets his head caught in a hangman, the very thing that lost him an ear. In escaping, the mask goes flying and Undertaker tosses him off the apron  through a table. Undertaker hits a chokeslam and gets the one, two and Mankind kicks out. Great.

Taker slits his throat, hits the Tombstone Piledriver and gets the three.

The Undertaker has pinned Mankind in 17:26.

2017 comments:

Brilliantly brutal.

1997 comments:

Well, Mankind is dead, I guess.

Grade: A.

“It’s a good thing Paul Bearer is wearing a dark suit,” is said as Taker drags him into the ring and there’s a Botchy McBotchface between all three men. Taker has something in his hand, it seems like… yes! It’s flashpaper! He hits Paul with it. The announcers let on it’s some sort of magic or something. Vince considers whether or not it was called for. Oh, now is not the time to get all moral. The music hits and…

On the Card will return on May 4 2017 with the third and final part of In Your House 14: Revenge of the ‘Taker.

ATTITUDE ERA #8: WRESTLEMANIA 13 (Mar 23, 1997) PART 4

Previously on On the Card: Best WrestleMania match followed by basically every midcard Mania match ever.

Another ad for In Your House 14. April 20th. Blaze it.

Another shill for Sky Sports and a lovely shot of Vlad and Faith No More Guy wearing a BWO t-shirt.

Oh Shawn! The sexy boy returns to shake hands with all the kids. He’s a great lad. A great, drug fuelled lad. The audience won’t let go of him. Potential riot erupting here. Shawn pops into the ring… no, he won’t, he goes around to the announcers, clearly winged off his tits. The music replays and his second round of hand-shakes is far faster. Finally, he enters the ring, the lights dim and he hits his pose, considers taking off his jacket, but the farty pyro hits before he has a chance to. What a guy. Another shot of Vlad in the audience and a sign saying, “Vince McMahon is God.” No. He wrestled God.

Backstage, Sid hits a whispery shouty promo. We all know how this match is going to go, but this is before the streak, really. Since his introduction in Survivor Series 1990, Undertaker has been undefeated at the five WrestleManias he has attended – VII, VIII, IX, XI, XII (he did not attend X due to injury) – and this includes his abortion of a match against Giant Gonzales, which he was knocked out in.

In the arena, Undertaker starts his entrance which is not as long as the entrances that he has had in the past. The announcers are (rightly) silent and should be any time this cunt turns up. Brilliant shot of the Taker through the smoke, the crowd being lit now and again by the strobe. He gets to the ring and finally, people can talk.

Shawn is winged off his tits as JR references the streak. He says that he has, “Never lost at WrestleMania as the Undertaker.” But he has never fought at WrestleMania as anyone other than the Undertaker.

Sid’s music hits and he heads down to the ring, finally getting the boos he deserves. He is huge. JR tells us that Sycho Sid is not afraid of the dark. Shawn says that he, however, is afraid of the dark. Fair play, Shawn. You’re also afraid of coming down though, aren’t you? JR tells us that this is going to be a slobberknocker and it probably is. Ten years later, at No Way Out 2007, Shawn will fight Undertaker alongside Batista and Cena. They also have one of the best Royal Rumble finishes at Rumble 2007.

The SID pyro burns itself out.

No Disqualification match for the WWF World Heavyweight Championship: The Undertaker def. Sycho Sid (c) via pin in 21:19.

The two men square off. Bret Hart comes out, killing any heat. He enters the ring, gets the mic and gives off to Shawn, saying he has a “pussyfoot injury… stay out of this match.” Bret then says he is no longer friends with Taker. Sid pisses himself laughing as Bret aims on him, calling him a fraud and that he deserves the championship. Earl Hebner looks on as Sid kills the heat by powerbombing Bret in the centre of the ring. He takes the mic and tells Bret to get out of the ring. His heel-turn is complete. Sid then shouts, “Hobble on, crybaby!” Undertaker takes the time to attack Sid and the bell rings again to restart the match. Once again, brother, both men need to be in their corner before the bell goes.

Taker jumps at Sid in the corner. Michaels says, “Bret talks about being screwed. I’ll tell you what, the Undertaker has been given the shaft and never complained.” Undertaker goes for the Old School and jumps at Sid in the corner. He is caught and held in a big bearhug. Brilliant. Both men have a wee sit for a while. Both King and Shawn argue for a while. Good. This bearhug goes on… for… ever… It’s the main event at WrestleMania, by Christ. Some battering and then more bearhugs. My God.

Taker is thrown out of the ring, lands on his feet and is kicked into the French announcer’s table along with Carlos Carbrera. Sid points at Earl and says, “Shut up!” He does this twice. Sid tosses Taker through the table but it just falls over. Vince finally tells us that this match is no disqualification. Pin attempt mid-ring. Failure. Shawn puts over Taker and says that it’s hard to see when he’s hurt because he doesn’t show any emotion. Sid hits the Camel Clutch on Taker, breaks back, makes humble. Sid goes to the top rope, hits the double axe handle and Taker is rolling over, fighting back, bopping Sid with great big punches.

Irish whip rehearsal and a lovely powerslam from Sid followed by three pin attempts in a row. Mon Sid. Big old leg drop. Sid has Taker in the corner and looks to be biting his face. Sid, are you biting people now? No DQ or no no DQ, that’s awful. Taker hits the jumping punch and Sid gets the Deadman in the corner. Taker throws Sid out, rolls out after him and throws him into the crowd for about the fifth time tonight. The pair trade punches over the barricade and smacks Sid’s head off the steps. Taker goes for the high elbow, misses and the two men have a wee lie down for a while. Hard body shots from Taker followed by a big powerslam, sexy 69 pin attempt and fail. JR states that this match will not be won by a lateral press or punch, but by something bigger.

Nerve pinch by Taker and Sid is on his feet, fighting back. Taker clotheslines Sid down, pin attempt and fail. Earl Hebner isn’t doing a fine job tonight. Both men double boot each other and fall down go boom. Sid is up first, hammering Taker on the back with both fists. Sid looks worried. He goes to Bret’s rope and hits the double axe handle on Taker. JR wonders, after Sid kicks Taker, “if there is a heart in that body.” Another axe handle, another pin attempt, another fail. After Taker kicks out again, King quips that it must be demotivating to continually be denied a win. “It must do something to Sid’s mind… if he has a mind.”

Sid goes top rope, Taker sits up, punches Sid and he falls on his balls. Taker pulls Sid off the turnbuckle for a powerslam. It’s Taker’s turn to go top rope and he hits the jumping clothesline. Pin attempt and fail. King says that they’re both reluctant to use their finisher unless it doesn’t work. Taker pulls his thumb over his throat, goes for the Tombstone and Sid reverses it into a Tombstone of his own. Taker pin and the Deadman kids out. Sid throws him out of the ring.

Big punches from Sid and Taker gets the chokeslam ready but Bret appears and hits Sid twice with a chair on the back. No disqualification here. Sid is thrown into the steel ring post spine first. Taker rolls Sid into the ring, chokeslams the big Brock Samson motherfucker to the canvas but Sid kicks out. Taker runs the ropes and falls from an attack to the knee from Sid. He goes for his powerbomb, but Bret is back… again. Sid gets guillotined by Bret, a Tombstone from Undertaker and the slowest pin count in the world leaves Undertaker the new World Heavyweight Champion in 21:19.

2017 comments:

Slow, no real storyline and Bret had to be relied upon to bring drama to this match.

1997 comments:

Not the best way to end this PPV, being honest.

Grade: B

The Phenom is “finally” WWF champ, despite having held the title back in 1991 for six days between Survivor Series and This Tuesday in Texas. Thunder and lightning hits as Vlad and Faith No More Guy cheer him on. Taker holds the belt up and that’s all she wrote.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I would love to nominated Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bret Hart for the best WrestleMania match so far.

Woman of the Matches: Chyna. No question.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Bret Hart

Best Spot: Stone Cold bleeding out in the Sharpshooter.

Hatches: This is the Attitude Era debut for Road Warrior Animal, Road Warrior Hawk, the ringside debut of Chyna, D’Lo Brown, Bob Backlund. JC Ice and Wolfie D were in the ring for once and Ken Shamrock was special guest ref. Mosh and Thrasher made their debuts as well.

Matches: The Headbangers are now number one contenders for the WWF Tag Team Championship and the champions, Owen Hart and the British Bulldog, retain their title; Rocky Maivia also retained his Intercontinental title; and The Undertaker defeated Sycho Sid to begin his second reign as WWF World Heavyweight Champion.

Dispatches: Let’s see now here now. JC Ice and Wolfie D are gone from PPVs and Bob Backlund won’t reappear until the 2000 Royal Rumble. Hillbilly Jim and Sheiky Baby won’t reappear until the Gimmick Battle Royale at WrestleMania X-7. Mosh and Thrasher are gone until Ground Zero, Phil Lafon and Doug Furnas are gone until Survivor Series 1997, The Sultan won’t be back for two years and then he’ll be known as Rikishi, Sycho Sid is out until King of the Ring,

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: Big Van Vader, Stone Cold (ineligible), Bret “The Hitman” Hart.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Bret Hart for that amazing match.

Previous Women of the Matches: Sunny, N/A, N/A.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Chyna, Chyna.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Chyna!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania, I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. Cheery.

  • Alejandro Pérez Jiménez AKA Mini Mankind, May 15 1975 – June 29 2009; poisoning caused by drugs added to their drinks.
  • Andrés Alejandro Palomeque Gonzalez AKA Abismo Negro, July 1 1971 – March 22 2009; drowning.
  • Brian William Pillman, May 22 1962 – October 5 1997; heart attack caused by arteriosclerotic heart disease.
  • Captain Lou Albano, July 29 1933 – October 14 2009; heart attack. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Joe Franklin in 1996.
  • Chris Candido AKA Skip of the Bodydonnas, March 21 1972 – April 28 2005; pneumonia due to blood clot after a broken leg caused by an injury in a steel cage match.
  • David “Davey Boy” Smith AKA The British Bulldog, November 27 1962 – May 18 2002; heart attack.
  • Doug Furnas, December 11 1959 – March 2 2012; hypertensive heart disease.
  • Gorilla Monsoon, June 4 1937 – October 6 1999; heart failure due to diabetes. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Jim Ross in 1994.
  • Héctor Solano Segura AKA Héctor Garza, June 12 1969 – May 26 2013; lung cancer.
  • James Brian Hellwig AKA The Ultimate Warrior, June 16 1959 – April 8 2014; heart attack caused by atheroscleroticcardiovascular disease.
  • James Reiher Snuka AKA Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, May 18 1943 – January 15 2017; unidentified terminal illness. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1996 by Don Muraco, though his profile is no longer available due to his alleged murder of Nancy Argentino in 1983.
  • Joan Marie Laurer AKA Chyna, December 27 1969 – April 20 2016; accidental overdose.
  • Mario Pérez Jiménez AKA Mini Vader, December 18 1966 – January 23, 2016; death.
  • Michael Hegstrang AKA Road Warrior Hawk, January 26 1957 – October 19 2003; heart attack.
  • Owen Hart, May 7 1965 – May 23 1999; internal bleeding caused by blunt force trauma from a fall during Over the Edge PPV event.
  • Pedro Aguayo Ramírez AKA Perrito Aguayo, July 23 1979 – March 21 2015; cardiac arrest caused by a cervical stroke from three fractured vertebrae.
  • Rodney Agatupu Anoa’i AKA Yokozuna, October 2 1966 – October 23 2000; pulmonary edema. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by The Usos and Rikishi in 2012.
  • Terry Ray Gordy AKA The Executioner, April 23 1961 – July 16 2001; heart attack caused by a blood clot. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame by his brother Ray Gordy in 2016.
  • William Alvin Moody AKA Paul Bearer, April 10 1954 – March 5 2013; heart attack. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Kane in 2014.

Closing Statements: Was Shane correct? Was it the best WrestleMania of all time? Nooooope. It was good and the Stone Cold/Bret Hart match was terrific, but the main event was weak and the undercard was unflattering. If you take out the Submission Match, the card was drizzling. With it in, it is merely very, very good.

On the Card will return on April 20 2017 with In Your House 14: Revenge of the ‘Taker.

 

Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good opener and shit Khali match.

Cut to a promo for all the divas. It says that they are talented. Stop lying, girls, we have not a talented one of ye on the roster. C’mon now.

Backstage, we see Cryme Tyme with a newly-shaved Eugene. He looks great with the head shaved but he’s still making his faces. Are Cryme Tyme actually his friends or are they going to rob him? They say he still looks like a player and shout to get it popping as Extreme Expose appear and do a dance. Eugene looks uncomfortable and then goes bananas when Mae Young and Moolah turn up. He dances with them. People look disgusted. Then Slick appears! Yes, that old stereotype himself. He actually calls it “WrassleMania”. He dances. Everyone cheers.

FUCK IT DUSTY RHODES IS HERE. HE DANCES TOO.

Then Slaughter and Jimmy Hart and IRS and others appear.

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat stops the dancing to shout. But then they dance.

Ron Simmons appears and says his catchphrase.

In the arena, we have the Detroit Tigers, who are a sports team of some sort. No time to care, because it’s time for match number three! Montel Vontavious Porter appears with cheerleaders. It’s great because he’s a primadonna. He’s challenging [REDACTED] Benoit for the US Championship.

No time to watch MVP! Benoit himself comes out. No fucking time to pause. He doesn’t pose, he just walks on down to the ring with his big roid belly on him, sliding into the ring, holding his belt up and gets ready to straight up destroy this heelish prettyboy.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Montel Vontavious Porter via pin in 9:15.

The two circle each other for a bit before they lock up. MVP getting a headlock and Benoit reverses it into a head scissors, rolling through to an ankle lock and another headlock. MVP runs the ropes, attempts a German but MVP counters. Benoit is back in, face to face with MVP, attempts to lock in the crossface and MVP escapes. Benoit is bust around his mouth. MVP escapes another crossface attempt. An attempted lock-up and MVP tosses him into the corner, gets an elbow and Benoit lifts him onto the turnbuckle. Superplex attempt and Benoit gets his arm bust from a guillotine. MVP works the arm, goes for a pin and gets a two.

MVP works away on Benoit in the corner. Both announcers are really putting over both men. Cunt JBL says that Benoit belongs in the Hall of Fame. Yeah. Some chance. Benoit hits his Germans, goes top rope and MVP jumps up, hits a lovely superplex but Benoit curls to roll up MVP, almost getting the sneaky pin. MVP is furious. He’s up and battering on Benoit, tossing him into the corner and doing a wee roll-up. MVP hits the backdrop and MVP attempts two covers and goes for the armlock. Benoit fights to his feet, punching MVP, runs the ropes, gets a superkick to the face and kicks out of the pin. MVP is in control, goes for a bodyslam and Benoit goes for the crossface but has difficulty locking it in. MVP attempts some sort of armlock bodyslam but can’t get it and hits a normal bodyslam followed by an elbow drop with theatrics. Pin attempt and kickout.

The Crippler is picked up and Benoit dodges the big boot, hits double Germans. MVP reverses the third but Benoit escapes, runs the ropes and hits the triple Germans. He goes to the top rope, hits a lovely flying headbutt and gets the pin in 9:15.

2017 comments:

MVP once again shows that he can actually play with the big dogs when he wants to. Standard Benoit match, both men called it in, which amounts to an above average match rather than a very good one. Neither of these men have disappointed, but it seems like they could have done far better.

2007 comments:

I love Benoit. I hope he doesn’t embarrass wrestling forever.

Grade: B

Benoit retains and circles the ring.

Cut to a promo for the Undertaker, showing his past. He doesn’t have a child showing him all grown up because he’s the fucking Undertaker. His match is up next.

Cut to Mr. President himself, Cunt Trump, who is on the phone, giving off that Vince hasn’t even given him a sammich. Miss USA is there, acting her socks off. Behind him, the Boogeyman appears, spitting worms and shit. Cunt Trump asks for food from Boogey after he scares off Miss USA. Boogeman disappears and Little Boogeyman walks off.

Back in the arena, Maggle says, “Ould Trump can make a deal with anybody!” Especially the American public, apparently. You fools! You voted this man into office! You utter, utter fools!

Cut to the induction for the Hall of Fame 2007: The Wild Samoans, The Shiek – who is the spit of his nephew, Sabu – Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Fucking Perfect – with Curtis Axel off to the side there, who would be starting in World League Wrestling a few months later. Jerry “The King” Lawler goes in, too and so does our boy Dusty Rhodes. He dances on and slurs his way through his speech.

Back in the arena, Lillian bigs up the new record in Ford Field. Congratulations, America, you did it. You packed human beings into a place like sardines. Then Howard Finkel comes out. He absolutely smashes the introduction to the Hall of Fame 2007. Good ol’ JR, Mr. Perfect’s family, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, The Wild Samoans – Afa and Sika, the wife of the original Sheik and The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

There was a poll thinking that Batista will defeat Undertaker at WrestleMania. 82% go with ‘Taker. Coming up next, it’s Batista vs. Taker. Cut to a promo showing this heated rivalry, which basically amounts to Taker winning the Royal Rumble, choosing Batista as his opponent  and the two men hitting each other until Batista Pearl Harbours Taker at No Way Out in February. We see Batista ruin people left and right. We see Taker walk around and be scary. Fair play to the pair of you. The promo package is actually brilliant.

Teddy Long is in the ring and he’s announcing. Why, Teddy? Why?

Batista’s music hits and the champion comes out first. I hate this. There’s no need for it. Yes, we love Undertaker and his entrance is great, but Batista is the champion, by Christ. He runs from one end of the Titantron to the other like a big old jobber. He does his wee spin, forgets that he’s in the wrong place, moves forward to hit his gatling gun pyro. Silly Batista. He goes to his turnbuckles, poses and holds his belt up.

Big monks chanting and a line of them appear with fiery torches. What an entrance. They go everywhere, standing in lines of three on the Titantron, waiting for the smoke to fill. Lights go down and… Big pyro? That’s not Undertaker’s style. Weird. The bells toll anyways and the Deadman appears, backlit and looming. Batista is undeterred. Taker walks on, slowly, taking most of the rest of the PPV to get to the ring. No jokes aside, from Taker’s first appearance, backlit on the time he enters the ring is three minutes. Three minutes. A further one and a half minutes for his monks to get into position and one minute from him entering the ring until the bell goes. That’s a total of five and a half minutes for one man to get into the match.

Teddy introduces ‘Taker as “The Phenom of the WWE,” which lets on that there are other Phenoms. There are not unless we are talking about the AMD Phenom, of course. Maggle tells us that The Undertaker is all about mind games. He’s not really. He’s about kicking lads up the hole. Finally, Taker enters the ring, slowly removes his coat and hat, stands in his corner and waits for the bell to ring.

World Heavyweight Championship match: Undertaker def. Batista (c) via pin in 15:51.

Undertaker springs out of the corner, is caught by a spear from Batista, who drives him back into the corner and beats on him before Undertaker takes over, batters on Batista and is knocked outside, landing on his feet. Both men fight outside, taking only minutes to get out of the ring. Batista throws Taker into the steel steps and the Animal goes in the ring as Little Naitch begins a countout. Batista goes top rope and hits a shoulder barge. Maggle goes ballistic. Batista takes a big boot and springs off the ropes to hit back. Batista is hammering on Taker’s head and hits a lovely body slam, springing off the ropes. Taker catches the foot and fights back. Both men share strikes in the centre of the ring and Taker takes control, tossing Batista into the corner for a running hug followed by a second.

Taker hits Snake Eyes, big leg drop and fails to get the pin. He will though, spoiler alert. Taker picks Batista up, gets ready for Old School and the crowd love it as he hits it. He gestures for the chokeslam and the Animal escapes, pulling the hand off his throat, fighting back, Irish whipping Taker and the Deadman hits the flying clothesline. Pin attempt and Batista kicks out. Taker hits some punches and Batista falls outside. Taker rolls out, bounces Batista’s head off the steel steps, cracks the elbow into Batista’s jaw, goes to the apron and hits a lovely big leg drop. Batista falls to the ground and Undertaker rolls in to break up the pin. He bounces off the ropes and suicide dives out. Both men have a lovely lie down.

Both men are up and Batista is having his head bounced off the barricade, getting some punches and Taker rolls in to break the count, rolls out and gets an Irish whip into the timekeeper’s area. Batista shoves past a cameraman and rolls in and out to break the count. He throws the tops of the announcer’s tables away, putting Taker onto the table, punching at the Phenom and lifts him up, sets up the running powerslam and smashes the Deadman through the table. Fair play to you, boys. Undertaker is up and taking punches to the face, the yoke. Batista goes for the pin and fails. He punches Taker constantly to teach him a lesson for having the cheek to kick out. Batista looks angry, goes for the Batista Bomb but Undertaker fights back.

In the corner, Taker beats on Batista and gets a belly-to-belly in the middle of the ring. Cunt JBL says that the Undertaker smells like smoke because he’s been through fire. That’s Kane. Is that not Kane? Taker is in the corner and as Batista goes for the ten punch, Taker lifts him off, gives him the Last Ride and almost gets the pin. Batista hits the spinebuster, shakes the ropes, goes for the Batista Bomb but Taker is up. Seems like a botched moveset there and Taker gets the chokeslam, gets a pin and Batista kicks out. Undertaker signals for the tombstone, lifts the Animal up but he replies with a spear, goes for the Batista Bomb, hits it – almost misses it – and Undertaker kicks out. Good man yourself, Mr. Calloway. Batista goes for a second Batista Bomb but Taker reverses into a back body drop and goes for the Tombstone, hits it mid-ring, gets the pin, the win and the belt in 15:51.

2017 comments:

Very good match. Both men gave it their all. Not amazing and no great spots other than the table shot. Taker didn’t do his sit-up and there was only one big near-fall after the Batista Bomb, but good match.

2007 comments:

Undertaker will never, ever lose at WrestleMania.

Grade: A

Lovely wee end-of-first-half match as Undertaker wins again at WrestleMania, just as he did ten years previous versus Sycho Sid. He gets to one knee, hits the blue light and lifts the belt up. Taker does not need any championship belts. He is over enough without needing gold. Big pyro hits and Taker leaves the ring as we see the replays. Bone Street Krew tattoo on the Undertaker’s stomach. Good man, Taker. He pauses atop the Titantron, looks over his shoulder and as the smoke rises, he lifts his arm and big pyro.

On the Card will return on April 15 2017 with the third part of WrestleMania 23.

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 6

Previously on On the Card: Kennedy and Bobby have a shite match.

Then The Miz’s music hits and Mike Mizanin rolls out, swaggers right on over to a stage by the entrance, calls the audience misfits and says that tonight is the first ever Divas invitational. In the ring already is ECW’s Extreme Expose. Layla and… two other women shake their booty for a while. This is embarrassing. Christ of almighty. This shite would not stand these days because the fans pay for wrasslin’, not bad stripping. To be fair, now, one of the girls does a backflip in heels. It turns out that it’s Kelly Kelly and the other charisma vacuum is Brooke. The crowd is dead.

Miz introduces Jillian from SmackDown. She has lovely breasts. She gets the mix and says that it is her big break. She’s going to wow the crowd and Hollywood executives who have come just to see her. She has written her own song. Crowd boo. She warms up. She shouts to the back to bring up the treble and bass. It is terrific. Terrific in its terribleness. She sings very badly. Good job. Miz interrupts her and makes a William Hung reference. She shits all over Extreme Expose and says they’re not good enough to be her backup dancers. She then shits all over all the other divas. Brilliant heat. She calls them all talentless bitches. Then Maria, Ariel and Candice come out. They beat on Jillian and there is a cat fight. It is embarrassing. Big boos as the officials come out. Fair play to the girls that there are no wardrobe malfunctions.

Music hits and its Ashley Massaro, the Playboy cover girl. Big pyro and a twenty foot cover of Playboy falls from the ceiling. She removes her top and she has Playboy bunny pasties over her breasts. Just like Sable! It’s a reference to something ten years ago. Ashley gets called the winner and she walks off. The rest of the Divas are angry. This is the darkest point in Wrestling history… so far.

2017 comments:

It was not a match. I just want everyone to know how disgusted I was by this bollocks.

2007 comments:

I have the internet, you know.

Grade: I wish I could have those ten minutes back.

Promo for the main event and reminder of the Royal Rumble match with Taker vs. Shawn as the last two men. We see Taker win for the first time, almost twenty years after his introduction. He chooses to battle Batista at Wrasslemania. Shawn then comes down and challenges Cena for his WWE Title. Michaels, Edge and Randy Orton fight, Michaels wins and is ready to fight Cena for the championship. Vince then makes the tag team match that we see tonight. Promo of the four men hitting each other.

Shawn still has his DX music for some reason. Why isn’t he a sexy boy? He comes out, giving everyone an epileptic fit with his intro. He doesn’t do his Sexy Boy pyro either. Ahhh here, Shawn. He just does crotch chops. Shameful.

Big pop for Cena. He comes down with two belts – Tag Team and WWE Championships. The announcer hits the lovely, “Jeeeeeee-aaaaaahn Ceeeenaaaa!”

Batista! He has a lovely intro. He runs to one side, he runs to the other, he goes centre stage, he spins, he slaps the ground and hits his ra-ta-ta-ta-ta pyro. World Heavyweight Champion Batista. He stands mid-ring, checks on the other lads in the ring and then the bell goes.

Big blackout in the arena. Funeral march and the Dead Man from Death Valley comes down to the ring, taking his damn time as he usually does. He hits big pyro. It’s quite impressive. He walks to the ring post, raises his hands, lights pop up and he surveys the others in the ring, removes his coat, pops off his hat, rolls his eyes and goes to his corner with big Grandaddy Batista. He is the only man stalking the ring and slips through the ropes to get the bell rung.

John Cena and Shawn Michaels def. Batista and The Undertaker via pin in 22:09.

No titles on the line, which is bullshit. Imagine if Cena and Michaels put the titles on the line and there was tag team dissention (a favourite spot and gimmick) on both sides. If Taker and Batista won, then the next weeks leading up to Mania would involve them defending the belts and continuing to work as enemies and after Taker defeats Batista at Mania, they would still need to defend the titles as a pair. It would also make Cena and Michaels more bitter at each other because their dissention led to them losing belts. If Cena loses at Mania, then he has two reasons to go after Michaels. It makes all four men absolute monsters and it means everyone goes over! Just put the fucking titles on the line!

I digress. Cena and Batista to start.

Cena and Batista lock up, Cena is thrown into the ropes and bounces back. Batista fires into Cena in the corner. Cena gives Batista the big right hands and attempts to Irish Whip Batista but the Animal hold him back. Lovely suplex, pin attempt, out in two. Batista goes into the ringpost shoulder first. Michaels is tagged in and gives Batista mega slaps. He has a wee chat to Michaels and the two men do a lovely inside-out spot on the corner followed by two great clotheslines. As Undertaker is tagged in, Michaels is pulling on Batista’s pants to show the Animals balls. Lovely.

Taker beats on Michaels, goes for Old School, chases away Little Naitch and tosses Michaels about like a ragdoll. Shawn fights back and goes up for a ten punch but pushes Michaels away. He returns twice to attempt the ten punch and fails. Pin attempt at Batista rocks in, slapping Michaels on the back for a while. Batista and Michaels share slaps and shoulder tags. Batista gives Michaels a scoop slam, giant elbow, Cena comes in to boos and cheers. Taker is tagged in and the Phenom and Face that runs the Place are both on. Lovely shoulder tackle and Undertaker attempts Old School again but Cena fights back to huge boos. Cena goes for the superplex and is knocked back. Cena jumps back up and hits the lovely superplex onto the Phenom.

Both men have a lie down for some white. Taker sits right back up and knocks Cena down. Michaels comes in after Taker’s giant elbow and  hits Taker with the jumping elbow, kips up, goes to pick up Taker but the Phenom has him by the throat. Lovely Gorilla press from Taker and Shawn is thrown out where Batista throws him against the steel steps. Taker goes outside to pick up Shawn and rolls him back in. Cena breaks up the pin and is chastised by Naitch. Batista gives Michaels a lovely snapmare and boot to the face but there’s a kickout. Shawn is carried to the corner and punched by Batista before Taker tags himself in. Taker catches himself on the top rope and Shawn is down. As Taker picks him up, Shawn fights back. Cunt JBL keeps saying that this is the only time we’ll see this. Good. It’s not amazing. Lovely sidewalk slam from Taker and Batista is in. Great clothesline followed by a second and third. Bastista goes for a wee rest hold on Michaels and the two of them lie down for a while. Then they’re up and Michaels is fighting back, punching and hitting Batista for a great DDT. Cunt JBL is now having to commentate on his own and it is a sad state of affairs. Michaels hits the hot tag to Cena and he batters the shite out of Batista, goes top rope, hits a lovely leg drop and Taker jumps in. Cena hits the jumping shoulder barge, knocks Taker out and hits the sit-out powerbomb to great boos. Five knuckle shuffle and Batista is about to get an FU but Taker breaks it up.

Shawn and Taker scramble to the outside. Taker catches Shawn mid-air. In the ring, Batista hits a scoop-slam, is about to give Cena the Batista Bomb but Shawn saves him by battering Batista in the leg. Shawn is in, hammering on Batista and when the ref’s back is turned, so does Cena. Cunt JBL is talking away. He will not shut up! Cena goes for the pin, gets two. Cena hits a lovely clothesline, goes for the pin but Taker leans over and pokes him in the face. Shawn is in, Flair chopping Batista and hits the enzurgi but Batista kicks out! Both men have a wee sit down for a while. Front face lock and Batista is aiming for the hot tag to Taker. He lifts up Michaels, drags himself to the corner but Cena is tagged in and Batista is bust! When did he blade? Did he blade? Was it a legit hardway? It must have happened during the front facelock but camera angles sucked then, possibly on purpose!

Cena gets Batista in the front facelock and Batista goes to tag… but is trying to tag in Michaels! Shawn pops Batista and Cena hits the STFU. Batista is bleeding, tired, fighting back and Undertaker jumps in to break it up. Shame on you, Taker. Cena scoop-slams Batista, goes for the flying elbow, hits it, gives Taker the crotch-chops, goes for Sweet Chin Music but Batista dodges it, slideslams Shawn, tags in Taker and the Deadman cleans house. Taker hits Snake Eyes, the flying shoulder, hits Cena in one corner and Shawn in the other, goes to double chokeslam Cena and Michaels but throws Shawn to Batista, who hits the spinebuster.

Then Batista spinebusters Taker! Bah Gawd! This is why the tag belts weren’t on the line! Batista was going to Pearl Harbour Taker the whole time! Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music, Cena hits the FU and Undertaker is pinned for the win in 22:09.

2017 comments:

An okay match with crescendo booking and a swerve ending that made Cena and Shawn to look like losers despite winning. If they’d made it a title shot then Batista’s betrayal would have meant nothing, it would have been stupid. If, however, it would have been a title shot and Batista hit Taker with the cheap shot before attempting to pin Shawn (say after Taker cleared house and tagged Batista in) and Taker broke up the pin to batter Batista, the match would have been declared a no contest and… well, I still would have been annoyed, actually.

2007 comments:

Good thing no belts were on the line.

Grade: B.

Cena and Michaels leave without their belts. Batista takes his own belt, goes into the ring with Taker and Cena’s music finishes as Batista holds the belt in the air over Undertaker. His music hits and he leaves. Cunt JBL has to say goodbye to everyone. Undertaker hits up, alone and betrayed in the middle of the ring. He’s furious.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No one stood out in this PPV at all. I was going to give it to Jimmy Wang Yang because he was the best of a bad bunch. Why not.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than Queen Sharmell, Melina, Cherry and the horrendous Diva nonsense at the end.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Jimmy Wang Yang!

Best Spot: None. I can’t think of any.

Hatches: Cherry, Deuce, Domino, Hornswoggle (as a competitor), Little Boogeyman, Shannon Moore.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt by DQing himself; Chavo Guerrero wins the Cruiserweight title for the sixth time.

Dispatches: We won’t see Hornswoggle fighting again, nor will we see Joey Mercury, sadly. However, this is the last we will see of the The Boogeyman and thank Christ for that.

Closing Statements: A time wasting PPV that didn’t advance any plots and – other than the okay Cruiserweight match – was a waste of time with no memorable matches whatsoever.

On the Card will return on April 1 2017 with WrestleMania 23!

Attitude Era #9. In Your House 13: Final Four (Feb 16, 1997) Part 5

Previously on On the Card: Dissention in the ranks!

Backstage, Dok is talking to Taker “live”. Taker says that he has rediscovered his edge… not all of it, though. This spells doom for Vader, Austin and Bret. The WWF Title will be his, by hook or by crook. Rest in peace etc.

Cut once again to the foreign announcers, who are excited about the main event. Cut to the Royal Rumble where we saw Stone Cold rocking back in after being eliminated and chucks out everyone.

Back in the ring, the zeppelin has Western Union on it. Fink introduces the Final Four match.

Vader comes to the ring with Paul Bearer. He gets boos from a young Jennifer Aniston-alike in the crowd. The rules are shown on screen:

1: Match begins with all four lads in the ring.

2: There are no countouts or disqualifications.

3: A superstar is eliminated when either thrown over the top rope (with both feet on the floor) or by pinfall or submission.

4: The last superstar standing will be the WWF Champion.

Yeeeeo. Vader is throwing stuff around by the ring.

Breaking glass and Stone Cold takes his damn time coming out of the smoke. The house from the In Your House set is no longer there, it’s just a wee ramp. Austin and Vader stand nose-to-nose and flip the bird to each other.

Dong. Undertaker is coming. He rocks up to the ring through the blue smoke and lights in a leather jacket. The crowd sing along with the funeral march. The lights come up and the crowd go bananas. Bee-ay-en-ay-en-ay-ass.

Backstage, Kevin Kelly is hanging with our boy Bret “The Hitman” Hart. He puts over his enemies and says that he has experience and heart. “May the best man win… me.”

His music hits and out he comes, looking like a real legend. He’s wearing a hockey jacket. Fireworks go off to celebrate Bret’s entrance. He’s a superstar, yo.

Final Four elimination match for the WWF Championship: Bret “The Hitman” Hart def Stone Cold Steve Austin, Big Van Vader (w/ Paul Bearer) and the Undertaker via elimination in 24:05.

All four men are in all four corners when the bell rings and Earl Hebner stays in the ring to ensure no shit goes down. Vader and Taker, Stone Cold and Bret square off, trading punches. Taker goes for the jumping punch. Austin falls into the corner, Bret is knocked down. Taker goes for Old School and Vader hits the belly-to-belly. Vader and Taker fall to the outside but go between the ropes as opposed to over them. Vader gets the steel chair and goes to crack Undertaker but gets a boot instead. Big pop from the crowd and Vader is busted over the eye, probably from the boot. He goes to punch Taker but can’t seem to get it. Bret goes to sleeper Austin but he reverses it into a stunner. Undertaker chokeslams Vader and we have a close up of Leon’s eye. Looks pretty bad, but might only be on his eyebrow.

We have Vader and Bret, Taker and Austin. Vader his Bret with a low blow and takes Bret to the apron to batter him with the steel chair. Vader’s eye seems to be closing because of the wound, possible broken socket. Austin takes Taker outside and is about to piledriver him but Taker reverses it into a back body drop. Taker suplex Bret in from the apron and attempts a pin. Austin dodges a steel step shot and hits Vader with it. Austin and Vader trade blows while Bret almost gets pinned by Taker.

Austin and Vader have a wee chat and Austin gets dropped onto the security railing. Lots of zoom-shots to Vader as he gets thrown into the timekeepers area, he dodges the steel steps and cameraman but hits someone backstage. Another shot of Vader’s lovely wet, bleeding eye. Austin falls onto his balls on the top rope. Vader takes Bret down the aisle and throws him against the railings. Taker leg drops Stone Cold’s balls and Bret and Vader fight in the crowd. JR says, “I tell you, this is amazing.”

Stone Cold hits the clothesline off the top rope and Sycho Sid is backstage, watching and reacting, or, should I say, over reacting. Vader hits the Sharpshooter on Bret and Austin boots Bret in the head. “Austin and Bret hate each other,” JR says. “Everyone hates Bret,” Jerry replies. All four men are fighting now. Taker hits Vader right in the eye and Stone Cold replies with a Lou Thesz Press with the punches. Christ, Vader’s eye looks bad. My God. Good God Almighty.

Ten minutes in and no one is eliminated. Bret hits the piledriver but Austin is still in. Vader has Taker in position for the moonsault and Taker moves! My God! Is Vader dumb as hell? Does he care for his own body? Probably not! Vader starts to choke Undertaker as Stone Cold is about to eliminate Bret Hart. Austin is on the top rope and getting shots in the chest from Bret. Vader is just choking Taker and almost gets a pin. The energy has slowed down now and all three men are exhausted. Austin barely kicks out of a pin and Austin escapes a backdrop, lands on his feet and attempts a roll up but fails.

Fifteen minutes in and still no eliminations. Bret hits Vader between the legs and the behemoth falls. Not to be outdone, Austin wishbones Taker. Pin attempt and Vader stays down. Undertaker almost has Austin out but he lands on the apron instead. Good man yourself. Vader’s eye doesn’t look that bad now, just a wee cut that looks gruesome. Austin almost goes over the top rope again. Christ. The energy is just sapped. Very slow. Very- SWEET JESUS, AUSTIN WENT OVER THE TOP ROPE!

Stone Cold Steve Austin has been eliminated by Bret “The Hitman” Hart in 18:08.

My God! It came and went with little fanfare, but Austin is gone! That’ll teach you for cheating. The fans are waving to him and the refs leading him out alongside Worzel Gummidge (Rene Goulet).  Taker hits Vader with a shot in the corner and it’s Bret’s chance to beat on Taker. Taker fights back and Vader takes out Taker’s knee. Sid is backstage, ready to fight the winner. Undertaker is thrown out of the ring but under the bottom rope. Vader takes off his mask and Paul Bearer hits Taker with the urn. Vader goes to the top rope but Bret is up and threatens to superplex. And he does it! It’s shit looking, but it’s a superplex alright! Undertaker is up and so is Bret, getting the sharpshooter on Vader. Taker is in and Pearl Harbours Bret from behind.

Stone Cold is back and beats on Bret as Taker and Vader have a wee sit in the middle of the ring. There is no DQ in this. Vader goes to Bret’s rope, hits Vader between the legs and Vader falls out onto the floor.

Big Van Vader has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 22:33.

There are only two men left: Taker and Bret. Stone Cold is there too but he really shouldn’t be. The crowd are going ballistic at Vader’s fall and Taker punches Stone Cold out of the ring. Bret goes to Pearl Harbour taker but the Deadman catches Bret by the neck and gives him one hell of a chokeslam. He runs a thumb over his throat and Austin grabs Bret as Taker goes to Tombstone him. Bret rolls up Taker and escapes. Taker goes for Austin and Bret knocks him out of the ring to win the championship in 24:05

2017 comments:

Quite a good match, overall. Lots of time wasting, though, and Vader’s bloody eye really messed up the flow of the match. Still, exciting enough and very high-paced.

1997 comments:

Poor Vader. He’ll never wrassle again. That serves you right for taking Mick’s ear.

Grade: A

Taker is furious and goes to follow Austin, turns and stares at Bret, hands on hips. JR tells us not to go away and we see another advert for Wrasslemania XIII. Back in the arena, there is big pyro to celebrate Bret’s fourth run as WWF Champion. Big strings and out comes Sid, who walks to the ring, shouting and sweating like a mental case. The pair square off mid-ring and the screen fades to black.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: It’s hard as no one stuck out other than Big Van Vader for being so damned tough!

Woman of the Matches: CHYNA.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Vader

Best Spot: Vader’s dick-shot-to-fall-outside combo.

Hatches: Honky Tonk Man, Chyna with Mosh and Thrasher as a dark match.

Matches: Rocky Maivia retains his Intercontinental Championship; Owen Hart and the British Bulldog retain their WWF Tag Team Championship; and Bret Hart wins the WWF Championship for his fourth reign.

Dispatches: Wildman Marvellous Marc Mero and Sable would not return for almost a year until Survivor Series 1997, Bart Gunn would be gone for over a year and reappear at WrestleMania 14

Closing Statements: A good PPV and clearly pulled together at the last minute to help Shawn leave and get over the new stars of the Fed: Stone Cold, Bret, Sid, Vader and Taker. Let’s see who stays at the top…

On the Card will return on March 23 2017 with WrestleMania 13!

Ruthless Aggression #14. Royal Rumble (Jan 28, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Brilliant Cena match. Fair play to the pair of them.

Backstage, Sandman interrupts Coach and the rest of them. Takes a number, takes a drink, busts himself open with his cane and leaves. Ric Flair comes in and Kelly Kelly mutters a line. The lights dim and Layla comes in and dances. Shite, shite, shite.

Back in the Arena we have Jerry, Cunt and Moustache and they are  – regrettably – announcing the Rumble.

Promo showing the last twenty years of the Royal Rumble, from Hogan and Warrior to Kane dominating, to Trips and Shawn winning, to The Rock’s fantastic win in 2000 and Stone Cold clearing house in 1997. We see Vince win, [REDACTED] Benoit win, Mysterio win. Apparently it’s a star-studded Rumble. I’ll be the judge of that. Shawn Michaels is in it. Edge is in it. Kenny is in it. Benoit, Khali, Kane, Booker, Taker, all participants.

Lillian Garcia looks like a car. She reminds us of the rules, but, c’mon, we know the rules, girl.

A question I have is… does the winner fight Cena or the champ in their own brand? That’s not explained.

Ric Flair’s music hits and out he comes, fresh from his dance twenty seconds ago. He was number 3 in 1992. He almost lasted an hour back then. Doubt he’s going to last that long.

Then Finlay’s music hits and the crowd go mild. Little Naitch tells him that he can’t have the shillelagh. The pair of them square off and the Rumble begins.

The 2007 Royal Rumble.

A First Challenger Appears: Ric Flair.

A Second Challenger Appears: Fit Finlay.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Finlay tosses Flair to the ground and they get into the corner together. Finlay slaps Flair and the Nature Boy returns it, getting big “Woo!”s from the crowd. Flair gets a back body drop and Finlay lifts Flair up, tries to toss him out and gets a rake in the eye.

A Third Challenger Appears: Kenny Dykstra.

Twenty years old, it’s our boy Spirit Squad Kenny. Flair goes straight for him. Lots of slaps which Finlay stops. Kenny boots Flair and Finlay tries to get Kenny out. Kenny gets back in and there are more slaps and punches in the corner.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Matt Hardy.

He’s in twice tonight! Fat Matt Hardy, holding the old jaw and going straight for Kenny, hitting the Side Effect and almost kicking Kenny out. Flair and Finlay in one corner and no eliminations yet. The competitors have paired off but once again, Kenny holds Flair and the partners swap as Finlay and Matt tussle. Lots more chops from Flair.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Edge.

Here we go, a talented wrassler. Out he comes, sprinting to the ring, spearing Flair, spearing Finlay, goes for Matt who skips out of the way and hits the Twist of Fate. Flair is outside, he’s under the ring, he’s got a steel chair – legal but only as long as he introduces it during the match as opposed to before it. Edge grabs Flair and the crowd boo as he gets tossed out.

Ric Flair has been eliminated by Edge in 5:40.

Kenny and Edge high five and as Dykstra does the Flair dance, Edge tosses him out.

Kenny Dykstra has been eliminated by Edge in 4:05.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Tommy Dreamer.

No time to mourn the Spirit Squad boy. It’s time for Tommy. He runs in, the crowd chant “ECW!” and he gets Edge in the tree of woe, baseball slides him and is knocked down by Finlay. Four men in the ring now. Both Tommy and Edge are about to be thrown out but no dice. We’re going to see lots of that shite.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Sabu.

Oh fuck. Here’s Botchy McCan’tmanoeuver. He runs to the ring, grabs a table from below first, sets it up outside the ring, goes straight for Tommy. Sabu hits the springboard crossbody and does it again but Dreamer hits the weak punch and gets him mid-air. More “holding on the ring rope” spots.

An Eighty Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

He comes in, goes for Matt and Finlay is almost thrown out. Six men in, all in pairs, nothing exciting happening and none of them are winners, really. Sabu is getting chants and goes for Helms, ready to toss him out.

A Ninth Challenger Appears: Shelton Benjamin.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team member 1 is in. He tries to toss out Tommy and fails. He tries to toss out Matt and fails. People waste time here as Finlay tries to toss Shelton out. Both men hold on. Matt tries to help and fails. We have Sabu/Tommy and Greg/Edge. Matt is trying to suplex Shelton out.

A Tenth Challenger Appears: Kane.

Big pop for the pyro from Kane. He holds the record for knocking the most people out at 11 until Roman Reigns beat him. But fuck Reigns. Kane hits the tiltawhirl Bossman slam, chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy out.

Tommy Dreamer has been eliminated by Kane in 6:41.

Tommy has the record for lasting the longest before being eliminated, but obviously that must be beaten tonight. Sabu has Kane on the ropes. He tries to clothesline him out, lands on the apron and Kane chokeslams him out, through the table.

Sabu has been eliminated by Kane in 5:28.

The announcers say that Kane is the favourite now.

An Eleventh Challenger Appears: CM Punk.

Out he comes! The up and comer! He goes straight for Edge and Cunt JBL calls him boring because he’s straight edge. Finlay almost tosses him out, but fails. CM Punk gives Edge a wee knee to the face. Finlay has been in for over fifteen minutes, which is fourteen minutes too long, being honest with you. Final lifts Punk over but fails.

A Twelfth Challenger Appears: King Booker.

Sharmell is with him! Yo! He takes his time to come in, starts on Helms and beats him like a government mule, tossing him out.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by King Booker in 6:50.

Well done, Hurrcicane, you beat Tommy by nine seconds. Seven men in the ring and all of them wasting time. Cole tells us of all the brands but fuck the brands.

A Thirteeth Challenger Appears: Super Crazy

It’s Super Crazy! He’s going in and goes after the tough guys and gets beaten down almost instantly. More wasting time here with everyone holding onto ropes. Finlay almost goes out and Shelton Benjamin is in trouble but survives.

A Fourteenth Challenger Appears: Jeff Hardy.

Both Hardys! They double team Finlay, they double team Edge! They double team Super Crazy! They botch that, though. They double Team Kane, but he gets them in the old double chokeslam and they hit back with Poetry in Motion.

A Fifteenth Challenger Appears: Sandman.

Here he is, coming down the crowd, spraying beer over someone who works there, like a goose. He comes in, Singapore cane in hang and busts both Hardys and Crazy before Booker tosses him out.

Sandman has been eliminated by Booker T in 13 seconds.

Good. Get rid of you and that shite theme music. Use Metallica. Fuck sake.

The crowd boo, though. They obviously like the talentless fuck. Finlay almost tosses out Jeff but he skins the can and jumps back in. Punk attempts it but fails.

A Sixteenth Challenger Appears: Randy Orton.

Both Hardys are in, both Rated-RKO are in. Both King Booker and Sir Finlay are in. Rated-RKO toss out Super Crazy.

Super Crazy has been eliminated by Rated-RKO in 4:32.

Randy hits Matt with a backbreaker. The Tag Team Champs try to toss him off but Jeff goes before Matt.

Jeff Hardy has been eliminated by Edge in 3:39.

Matt Hardy has been eliminated by Randy Orton in 18:55.

I’ll bet Matt said he didn’t want to be eliminated by Edge. Rated-RKO go for the others and more wasting time. No spots other than Sabu’s shite table spot. Finlay and Booker try to toss out Kane.

A Seventeenth Challenger Appears: [REDACTED] Benoit.

The man that time forgot pops in, chopping Rated-RKO, goes for Booker, goes for Finlay, German suplexes him to the mat. Booker goes for the kick, gets a suplex. Shelton tries to grab Benoit, gets a suplex. What a guy. Cunt JBL calls him a cardio machine.

An Eighteenth Challenger Appears: RVD.

The whole fucking show! Rob Van Dam comes in, knocks down Benoit, knocks down Edge, knocks down Shelton. Booker throws him into the corner and Kane throws Booker out.

King Booker T has been eliminated by Kane in 9:22.

Booker cannot believe it! He is upset and so is Cunt JBL. Booker comes back in, beats on Kane, hits the Scissors Kick, tosses Kane out.

Kane has been eliminated by Booker T in 13:21.

Is this legal? In 1997, I asked the same thing when Ahmed Johnson returned to the ring to hit Faarooq with the biggest 2×4 I had ever seen. This should not be legal and there should be rules against it, at least having Kane go back into the ring or restart the match. Alas, Booker and Kane start a feud outside.

A Nineteenth Challenger Appears: Viscera.

Big Daddy V walks down and the camera focuses on Kane. The announcers argue about whether or not Booker’s attack is legal or not. Cole tells us that it took seven men to eliminate Viscera (then called Mabel) in 1992. The announcers make fat jokes.

A Twentieth Challenger Appears: Johnny Nitro.

Nice.

Nitro goes for RVD and does not get him out. Viscera squashes Punk in the corner. There are nine people in the ring and we have ten people left. Shelton Benjamin holds on, his feet hovering off the ground.

A Twenty-First Challenger Appears: Kevin Thorn.

Ariel is not with him. Disregard. Discount Gangrel beats on people and we see Shelton holding on tight to the bottom rope. Big Daddy V has RVD over the top rope but none can help. Viscera is on the ropes and RVD gets a great clothesline to knock him to the ground. The eleventh person in the ring is about to arrive.

A Twenty-Second Challenger Appears: Hardcore Holly.

He can fuck off. Old Sparky Plugg.

Christ, there are a lot of men in this fucking ring. Bob Holly legit punches Viscera, the prick. Cole tells us that the ring is filling up. Good man. Six men are on Viscera. Come on, boys, you need at least one more there.

A Twenty-Third Challenger Appears: Shawn Michael.

He enters to his fucking DX music. C’mon, Shawn. You can do better than that. The ring clears as Shawn goes on Finlay and knocks him out with a clothesline.

Finlay has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 32:33.

That is too long for Finlay to be anywhere. Viscera knocks everyone back, Shawn superkicks him and the lads go for the World’s Biggest Love Machine once again, getting him over the top rope. Eight men, apparently.

Viscera has been eliminated by Rob Van Dam, Edge, CM Punk, Chris Benoit, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Hardcore Holly and Kevin Thorn in 6:22.

Then Shawn tosses out Shelton Benjamin.

Shelton Benjamin has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 22:22.

He beats Viscera by sixteen minutes. Yeo.

Shawn beats on Bob Holly and then Holly beats on Michaels.

A Twenty-Fourth Challenger Appears: Chris Masters.

Roidy Magoo rolls in and the ring is full again with ten men all up in it. Nitro goes top rope and Benoit knocks him down.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:18.

Fair play to Johnny, actually. He lasted ages for a man who had a huge match earlier in the night. Edge is the longest-serving man in this Rumble.

A Twenty-Fifth Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

He runs in and does a lovely roll, goes for Masters and Kevin Thorn is tossed out.

Kevin Thorn has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:55.

Who is left to come out? Who really cares?

Michaels beats on Randy. Punk and RVD hug each other. Masters beats on Chavo. Edge hangs out on the floor. The crowd are quite dead. Ohhhhh, the timer comes back up!

A Twenty-Sixth Challenger Appears: MVP.

Montel Vontavious Porter! It’s himself! He slides in, burns and all, goes for Benoit. Ten men are in the ring again. Masters falls out. Derp.

Chris Masters has been eliminated by RVD  in 3:32.

RVD is very pleased with himself. Punk is almost out on one corner, Holly almost out on t’other. Punk is holding on but the timer is coming up!

A Twenty-Seventh Challenger Appears: Carlito.

Ohhhhh, the boy himself is in. Brilliant. I love Carlito. Tenner says he lasts two minutes. The ring is very full, eleven men in the ring and only three men left. Shawn Michaels almost goes over the top rope. He’s holding, he’s teetering, he’s tottering, but he stays in. Fair play. Rated-RKO attack Carlito and the timer comes up again.

A Twenty-Eighth Challenger Appears: The Great Khali.

The crowd groan. Who cares about this shitehawk? No one. The crowd die and the wrasslers stop, watch. Edge and RVD get tossed. Orton goes, Benoit goes, MVP goes, Shawn goes, RVD again, Chavo. The crowd boo. Everyone is on the floor. They’re all getting chops and they’re all sitting down.

Just before the timer hits zero, Bob Holly is tossed out by Khali. Good. Shove it up ye.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 10:21.

Ten boys still in and we reach our penultimate challenger!

A Twenty-Ninth Challenger Appears: The Miz.

Wow. He can go fuck himself. Khali tosses him right out.

The Miz has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 7 seconds.

Good.

Khali then throws out RVD.

RVD has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 16:28.

Then he throws out Punk!

CM Punk has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 27:16.

Then he almost throws out Carlito. Then he does toss out Carlito.

Carlito has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 3:19.

Then he throws out Chavo!

Chavo has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 6:24.

Jerry says, “Somebody dropped the ugly bomb on him.” Bit harsh, the lad has a disease. Either way, he also has been given a push and one that he, like many before him, simply does not deserve.

At some point during this, Benoit gets eliminated too.

[REDACTED] Benoit has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 17:52.

Shawn is up and chops Khali. Khali grabs Michaels and the crowd boo. He takes a chokebomb as number 30 comes in. Cole has a lovely soundbite, “Who can beat Khali?”

The Thirtieth and Final Challenger Appears: The Undertaker.

Just like ten years before, Taker is number thirty! Khali looks worried. The pair batter in the middle of the ring and Taker fights back, finally tossing the cunt out.

The Great Khali has been eliminated by the Undertaker in 3:45

Undertaker raises hell in the middle of the ring. No one else will join these five men. We have MVP, Orton, Edge, Michaels, Taker. He knocks everyone down, hits Old School on MVP. Balls on him. Undertaker tosses MVP out.

MVP has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 7:32.

Taker hits Edge with the jumping clothesline. MVP takes a chair into the ring and Taker almost throws Edge out as Randy Orton busts Taker in the head with the chair. Taker is up, though and Edge is calling for Orton to turn around. Randy sees it, though and the pair shout at each other mid-ring. Randy hits the RKO on Shawn and he rolls out. Rated-RKO chat and they both turn on Taker. Taker is bust open and the two men beat on the Phenom without mercy. Taker fights back and rains fists on the Tag Team Champs, running into the corners. Taker is about to hit the double chokeslam but they fight out, give him the Irish whip and he hits the double clothesline, hits Snake Eyes and Big Boot on Edge. He goes for the Chokeslam on Orton but Edge Spears him before he can do it. Edge has the chair in his hand, cracks Taker on the head for the second time.

Edge rolls out, gets another chair and they get ready for the Conchairto, which is a stupid name. Shawn’s up, though! And he tosses Orton out!

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 27:15.

Then he tosses Edge out!

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 44:02.

Both men are lying on the ground. The crowd is going wild. Taker sits up first. Shawn kip-ups. They both get ready, put their dukes up and Shawn has Taker in the corner, going for the ten-punch but Taker pushes him off twice and chokeslams him into the corner. Taker punches Shawn and he damn near flies out of the ring.

Shawn gets back in and there are chops from Shawn. Taker reverses an Irish whip and Shawn is damn near turned inside out. Taker goes for the big boot but Taker falls onto the apron. Shawn attempts to knock him off but fails. Taker goes to back body drop Shawn but gets a swinging neckbreaker instead. Big punches. “HBK!” chants rise. Taker gives Michaels the Big Boot. The San Antonian crowd is silent. Taker lifts up Shawn, tries to toss him off but Shawn holds on, throws him into the turnbuckle. Shawn goes up top and is almost thrown off. Undertaker goes for the superplex. They headbutt each other. Taker goes to toss Michaels onto the mat but Michaels fights back. Taker is in the ring. Shawn is on the turnbuckle. He hits the elbow, jumps up and leans against the corner. He starts to tune up the band. The crowd are baying for Sweet Chin Music and count with the stomps. Taker catches the boot! Taker hits a thunderous chokeslam. He runs his thumb over his throat and lifts up Shawn, is about to hit the Tombstone but Shawn escapes and hits Sweet Chin Music!

Both men are down. Both men are fucked. They’ve been the last two men for ages. Shawn is getting the superkick ready but Taker tosses him over the top rope!

Shawn Michaels has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 24:11.

Entrant number thirty, The Undertaker is the winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble in 56:18 after surviving for 13:15.

2017 comments:

Very, very good finish. Everything up to that was filler.

1997 comments:

I like how they just put a Shawn vs. Taker match on the end of this disappointing battle royale.

Grade: B

Taker stands centre stage, looks out at Shawn, nods and the camera focuses on both men, showing the emotion behind the match. Fair play to the pair of yis. Taker looks at the Wrestlemania 23 sign, checks out the hard cam and points at Shawn. Cunt JBL says that they don’t know what title he is going to go after… so presumably he can choose any. He kneels mid-ring and big pyro hits.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Good God Almighty, I have to give it to either Shawn, Cena or Umaga. I’m going to go with Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than backstage bimbos.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: There were none, really, but I’d say Taker’s sit up followed by Shawn’s kip up was brilliant.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt; Batista retained his World Heavyweight Championship belt and John Cena retained his WWE Championship belt.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the last we will see of Roidy Magoo Test.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, [REDACTED] Benoit.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: CM Punk, Joey Mercury, Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Joey Mercury for busting his face and returning!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell, Trish Stratus.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Ariel, Queen Sharmell, Victoria, No one.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Victoria!

The Year in Reviews

Each Royal Rumble, I will give you some information of the past year of reviews for you stat-heads out there.

In 2006, the biggest movie at the time was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which made $1,066,179,725 worldwide, followed by The Da Vinci Code and Ice Age: The Meltdown. There were a lot of things going on in the world of music but the top best-selling album was… The High School Musical Soundtrack? What the fuck?

There was the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany, a Jackson Pollock painting sold and people cared for some reason, North Korea conducted its first-ever Nuclear Test and Steve Irwin died.

In wrasslin’ news, the WWE Championship was brought into 2006 by Cena for 280 days since April 3 2005 until Edge held it for 21 days from Jan 8 2006 to Jan 29 where Cena held it for 133 days until June 11 at ECW One Night Stand where RVD took it. He held it for 22 days until July 3 when Edge took it back, then it passed to Cena after 76 days at Unforgiven on September 17 and he would take it into the New Year.

Batista had the WWE World Heavyweight belt from April 3, 2005, brought it into 2006 but lost it after 282 days when he had a triceps injury. Kurt Angle took it, held it for 82 days, Dropped it at WrestleMania 22 to Rey Mysterio (winner of the Royal Rumble 2006) and he held it for 112 days until Booker T won it at The Great American Bash on July 23. He lost it Batista after 126 days at Survivor Series and he would bring it into 2007.

Ric Flair held the Intercontinental Championship for 155 days from Sept 18 2005 to Feb 20 2006 when he dropped it to Shelton Benjamin. He had it for 69 days, dropping it to RVD at Backlash who held it for a measly 15 days until Shelton got it back on May 15. After 41 days, Jonny Nitro took it at Vengeance and he had it for 99 days before dropping it to Jeff who gave it back to Johnny after 35 days who dropped it again to Jeff after a week. Jeff would bring it into the New Year.

Booker T had the United States Championship at the beginning of 2006 and held it for 40 days, dropping it to Benoit on Feb 19th, who would drop it to JBL on April 2 after 42 dats, who gave it to Bobby Lashley after 51 days and then to Finlay. They both held it for 49 days each. Mr Kennedy won it on August 29 and dropped it to Benoit 42 days later on October 10, 2006. He would take it into 2007.

Kid Kash was the Cruiserweight Champion at the start of 2006 but he dropped it to Gregory Helms who held it into the New Year.

Rob Van Dam won the reactivated ECW World Heavyweight Championship on June 13, 2006 and held it for 21 days until July 4 when The Big Show beat him to win it. He held it for 152 days until Bobby Lashley won it at December to Dismember and took it into the New Year.

MNM were the Tag Team Champions at the start of 2006 and dropped it to Paul London and Brian Kendrick after 145 days on May 21. They held it into 2007.

Kane and The Big Show were World Tag Team Champs at the beginning of 2006 but they dropped it to the Spirit Squad after 153 days on April 3. They then let Ric Flair and Roddy Piper take it from them on Cyber Sunday and eight days later, Rated-RKO got it from them on Nov 13. They brought it into 2007.

Finally, Trish Stratus was the WWE Women’s Champion at the beginning of 2006 and dropped it to Mickie James at WrestleMania 22 on April 2 after 448 days as champion. Mickie held it for 134 days until Lita took it from her on August 14. Trish won it back at Unforgiven and retired, vacating the title. Lita would win it on November 5 at Cyber Sunday and then Mickie won it 21 days later in Lita’s last match. Mickie would be Women’s Champ into 2007.

2006 was the last full year of separate PPVs for separate WWE brands until it happened again ten years later and it was the last year of the Ruthless Aggression Era as the PG Era came into play shortly after the Benoit Tragedy. The roster was thick and so was the blood.

Closing Statements: A good PPV, more spectacle than actual wrestling but the matches were fun and the end of the Rumble was fantastic.

On the Card will return on February 18 2017 with the Smackdown PPV No Way Out 2007.

Attitude Era #8: Royal Rumble 1997 (Jan 19, 1997) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Mexicans steal the show!

In the ring, Howard Finkel tells us that there are 60,477 people in the Alamodome. I love how the Fed just love wanking themselves off over the size of their crowds. Fink tells us that the Royal Rumble is about to begin, with a new man joining each 90 seconds, eliminations can only take place by falling outside. The winner is the last man standing and they will face the WWF champ at Wrasslemania.

Our first entrant is Crush, coming in with his NOD team of JC Ice and Wolfie D with Immigration Clarence Mason and two unnamed NOD men. Only Shawn Michaels has won from the number one spot.

Number two comes out: Ahmed Johnson! What a wet fart.

The 1997 Royal Rumble.

A First Challenger Appears: Crush.

A Second Challenger Appears: Ahmed Johnson.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Ahmed slides in and Crush beats on him, picking up where Faarooq left off. Ahmed gets a big head of steam on him and Ahmed fights back, tossing him about. The two men roll around for a while and are aiming to kick seven shades of shite out of each other. They are just wasting time, waiting for number three to come out and the crowd is dead.

A Third Challenger Appears: Razor Ramon.

No theme Ramon comes out, the crowd boo and he gets stuck in, punching and building up a big head of steam before Ahmed throws him out for a bit of a pop.

Razor Ramon has been eliminated by Ahmed Johnson in 17 seconds.

Vince was obviously trying to give a wee bit of a “fuck you,” to the real Razor Ramon, who was in WCW. Ahmed throws Crush over the top rope but he holds on tight. Ahmed then leaps out of the ring, over the top rope, eliminating himself in his desperate chase after Faarooq, who has come to ringside.

Ahmed Johnson has been eliminated by Ahmed Johnson in 3:02.

Why didn’t he slide under the ropes? Dope!

Crush is all alone in the ring, arms on his hips when music hits! Who is it?

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Phineas I. Godwinn.

It’s Phineas with Hillbilly Jim. I haven’t seen this boy in quite some time, since the Survivor Series, in fact, just over two months ago. It’s good to see you back, Mideon. It will be even better when you carve shit on your face and crawl around the floor for a while. So far, there has been one spot in the match and the rest has been badly choreographed brawling. I understand that the men can’t use the whole ring due to the fact that there may be others there, but still.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Ohhhhh, business is about to pick up! I legit popped when I heard the smashing glass. It’s built into me, like when a someone hears a baby cry. Phineas and Crush start to work. Phineas tosses Stone Cold into the corner to a huge pop. Austin does not take kindly to that and when Crush holds Phineas, Austin hits a Bret’s Rope clothesline on him but Phineas ducks and throws Crush over the ropes.

Crush has been eliminated by Phineas I Godwinn in 6:17.

A timer pops up on the bottom of the screen to tell us that number six is coming in shortly. Stone Cold wastes no time in hitting the stunner on Phineas and tossing him out as Bart Gunn’s music hits.

Phineas I Godwinn has been eliminated by Stone Cold Steve Austin in 2:52.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Bart Gunn.

Bodacious Bart Gun runs to the ring as a dude who looks the spit of a time-travelling Michael Cole cheers him on from the crowd. We have number five and six in the match at the moment, let’s see how long they last.

Austin catches Bart and the pair have dodgy punches, an even dodgier leg drop and Austin tosses Bart out after a botch.

Bart Gunn has been eliminated by Stone Cold Steve Austin in 26 seconds.

Austin falls to the floor and does some push-ups. He sits on the turnbuckle and relaxes for some time, pretends to check his watch and the timer comes up to announce…

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Jack “The Snake” Roberts.

It’s the 1996 King of the Ring finalists! And they’re back! It’s a match eight months in the making!

Jake has a great head of steam and the crowd bay for a DDT but Jake is denying them it, holding Stone Cold in a lovely armbar. The ref sneaks in and takes Damien’s bag as it is just sitting mid-ring.

An Eighty Challenger Appears: The British Bulldog.

Bulldog runs to the ring and slips and slides in. During his entrance, we see on the Titantron behind him that Jack was eliminated! Yeah!

Jake “The Snake” Roberts has been eliminated by Stone Cold Steve Austin in 1:10.

Bulldog attacks Stone Cold, stomps a mudhole in him and walks it dry. Bulldog gets a semi-pop for this and continues to beat on Austin before hitting the running powerslam. He pulls on Austin’s pants as the Rattlesnake crawls for the ropes like a coward. The timer appears and…

A Ninth Challenger Appears: Pierroth.

Oh, it’s one of the AAA stars. Let’s see if the Fed stars give him any time at all in the ring. I hope they do, it will be lovely of them. Pierroth hits Bulldog and gets a gruesome spinebuster for his troubles. Bulldog returns to Austin but Pierroth interferes and hits a lovely snapmare. Austin gets involved and the Fed stars beat on the Mexican for a while. The timer pops up as Austin grips to the bottom rope.

A Tenth Challenger Appears: The Sultan.

Hey, now, it’s Rikishi in a mask with Shieky Baby! This is great. Rikishi used to be one of the members of the Headshrinkers, but it wasn’t until he got the Rikishi gimmick that he rocked the house. It’s a shame that his sons are shit. Sultan hits Pierroth with a lovely bodyslam and the timer appears AGAIN!

An Eleventh Challenger Appears: Mil Máscaras.

Another AAA star, Mil comes out for a wee jog, waving to the crowd and getting involved. Mil batters Sultan and hits a lovely lariat on the big man. Five lads in the ring, it’s the midcard spot at the moment where everyone just hugs each other and waits for the next person… and out he comes.

A Twelfth Challenger Appears: Hunter Hearst Helmsley.

Ode to Joy hits as Triple H slides into the ring, goes straight after Bulldog and pops him with a right hand. Sultan comes over to help eliminate them but Mil grabs trips. Bulldog hits a clothesline and Sultan does his lovely Rikishi bump before falling out of the ring.

The Sultan has been eliminated by The British Bulldog in 3:23.

Bulldog wastes no time in getting back involved and Stone Cold almost eliminates Trips, but he rolls back in. Austin replies with an elbow drop.

A Thirteeth Challenger Appears: Slammy Award Winning Owen Hart.

Fuck yes! And he arrives with his Slammy! What a man! The fucking Blue Blazer is in the match! There are still six men and we’re not even halfway through yet. Austin is about to be tossed out but Owen comes over and throws out Bulldog instead!

The British Bulldog has been eliminated by Slammy Award Winning Owen Hart in 8:04.

Bulldog and Owen argue for a bit as Owen goes to beat on Mil. The timer comes up and another sixth man will join the Rumble.

A Fourteenth Challenger Appears: Goldust.

Goldust! Woop! He runs to the ring like a mad pervert and Austin is on him instantly. Lovely bodyslam in the middle of the ring as Owen/Mil and Trips/Pierroth are to the side, trying to push each other over. Owen almost falls but saves himself. Everyone tries to throw Goldust out. The timer reappears…

A Fifteenth Challenger Appears: Cibernético.

Another AAA man comes in. Cibernético looks a bit like a Lucha married the Predator as he has dreadlock hair and a mask. Seven men in the ring now and it is looking super duper busy. We have three masks, one painted face, one singlet, tights and Stone Cold in pants. Nothing happens until the timer reappears.

A Sixteenth Challenger Appears: Marvellous Wildman Marc Mero.

He appears with Sable, and that’s all right by the crowd but in the middle of it, Cibernético is knocked out!

Cibernético has been eliminated by Mil Máscaras and Pierroth in 1:25.

Shortly afterwards, Mil turns on Pierroth and knocks him out, too!

Pierroth has been eliminated by Mil Máscaras in 10:32.

And then Mil goes to the top rope, jumps out and eliminates himself!

Mil Máscaras has been eliminated by Mil Máscaras in 7:28.

What a goose! Obviously the ring was getting busy and the Mexicans thought, “Let’s get out while the getting’s good!” and all left. Fair play to the boys, actually, they came in together and left together. Mil goes back into the ring and the refs tell him to leave. We have five men in the ring, all of them big names – Stone Cold, Triple H, Goldust, Marc Mero, Owen Hart. Mero slides in and goes for Owen. Goldust knocks Triple H out!

Hunter Hearst Helmsley has been eliminated by Goldust in 6:43.

Not a bad show from our man Trips. Mero and Goldust in one corner, Owen and Austin in another. The timer comes up to tell us someone else is due in as Sable and Marlena look on from outside.

A Seventeenth Challenger Appears: Latin Lover.

Oh poor Latin Lover, who is the final AAA guy to come in and appears when everyone else has left. Poor son of a bitch. He superkicks Owen, which is nice, hits a lovely snapmare on him, sells like a boss for Goldust and Owen is thrown out before skinning the cat. Goldust dodges a Latin Lover dropkick and is eliminated by Owen.

Goldust has been eliminated by Owen Hart in 5:33.

The timer appears as Goldust limps out.

An Eighteenth Challenger Appears: Faarooq Asad.

The NOD music hits and for the third time this PPV, Faarooq appears with some NOD lads. He quickly tosses out Latin Lover.

Latin Lover has been eliminated by Faarooq in 1:47.

And I was there, thinking, wow, Faarooq looks great for a guy who has been running away from Ahmed Johnson for the last half an hour or so, and then out comes Ahmed to a huge pop. Stone Cold rolls out of the ring and Ahmed hits Faarooq with the biggest two-by-four I have ever seen, tossing him over the rope.

Faarooq Asad has been eliminated by Ahmed Johnson in 47 seconds.

Nooooow, this is where the rules begin to get fucky. Earlier, Ahmed jumped over the top rope himself so Faarooq’s interference didn’t cost him the match, his own stupidity did. Here, Ahmed enters the ring, hits Faarooq, who falls out. You could argue that Faarooq was escaping the monster two-by-four but even then, a competitor who had been eliminated was in the ring, interfering with the match. Now what happens here? What are the rules? If the Fed were smart, they would have DQ’d Faarooq as soon as he appeared, or, if they wanted to cause some real heel shit, they could have stopped the match then, restarted it from Faarooq entering, with Stone Cold, Owen and Marc Mero in opposite corners. The match could have restarted, the others could have knocked out Faarooq, big babyface pop and the match could have continued.

Either way, NOD leave and Marc Mero and Owen are eliminated offscreen.

Marc Mero has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 3:53.

Owen Hart has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 8:29.

The timer pops up and once again, Stone Cold is alone in the ring. He calls for the next person.

A Nineteenth Challenger Appears: Savio Vega.

Out comes Flintstones cosplayer Savio and the two men batter lumps out of each other. Savio hits the catapult and a spinning heel kick to the heel Austin. Savio is guillotined and Austin tosses him out.

Savio Vega has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 29 seconds.

Austin is the loneliest man in the ring. He asks for more. More does not arrive instantly.

A Twentieth Challenger Appears: Jesse James.

It’s the Roadie, Jesse James and he jumps in, hits Stone Cold with some lovely right hands, hits the Elvis collars, gets a boot in the gut, is tossed to the apron and knocked off.

Jesse James has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 46 seconds.

Stone Cold for the record fourth time this match, is alone in the middle of the ring. He jaws off to the crowd for a bit, raises his hands and celebrates as only ten men are left. The timer appears and he sits top rope.

A Twenty-First Challenger Appears: Bret Hart.

What a pop! The Hitman walks out and Stone Cold begs for him to enter. Both superstars go at it mid-ring. Bret hits the atomic drop, hits the clothesline, punches Stone Cold in the corner. Austin gets for him to stop, but Bret does not. Bret don’t care. Bret counters an Irish whip and the timer comes up. Who will interrupt this great match?

A Twenty-Second Challenger Appears: Jerry Lawler.

It’s fucking Jerry! He goes in the ring as Stone Cold takes the sharpshooter from Bret. Jerry jumps over the rope, takes two punches and goes back to the announcer’s table.

Jerry Lawler has been eliminated by Bret Hart in 4 seconds.

That’s a short, short, short time. Jerry makes out that he didn’t even remember being in the ring. Great stuff. Bret works over Stone Cold and hits the backbreaker. The timer appears.

A Twenty-Third Challenger Appears: Fake Diesel.

Ohhhh it’s Big Daddy Kane, wearing flared pants and a complete lack of fire. He jogs to the ring, smashes our man Bret on the back of the head and turns to Austin, back to Bret and we are waiting for seven more men as we reach the second midcard point of the night with lots of rest holds, no spots and just running out the clock. Speaking of, there it is!

A Twenty-Fourth Challenger Appears: Terry Funk.

Terry Funk runs out while the clock is still counting down. Eejit. He turns to Austin, jaws off to him, hits him a pair of times and hits the headbutt. The match is split into two pairs, Bret/Diesel and Terry/Austin. They’re all running out the clock and gassed. The timer appears and Terry botches a piledriver.

A Twenty-Fifth Challenger Appears: Rocky Maivia.

Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? No one does. He’s not the Rock yet, he’s still Rocky and he’s battering Kane as Terry gets caught up on the ropes. Terry is almost thrown out as Diesel attacks our boy Rock. Five men in the ring, all of them big names and the timer is here to throw a sixth at us.

A Twenty-Sixth Challenger Appears: Mankind.

Well, business is about to pick up! My legit favourite wrassler rocks to the ring, spinning in circles and looking deranged as fuck. He hammers on Terry and tosses him out, but Terry holds on. Six men in the ring. Austin hits a lovely suplex on Bret and loses a wrist strap. The timer appears as Bret puts on the sleeper that Stone Cold reverses into a stunner.

A Twenty-Seventh Challenger Appears: Flash Funk.

Terry’s evil twin Flash appears! Bret hits the piledriver on Stone Cold! Terry walks in a circle and is hit by Flash! Seven men in the ring, none of them ready to leave! This is a great, great matchup. The timer is here, who is next?

A Twenty-Eighth Challenger Appears: Vader.

The Mastodon! Big Van Vader! Mankind hides his remaining ear. Mankind almost falls out of the ring as Flash hits Vader, the fool. Vader fights back and Austin takes his turn attacking our man V. Eight men: Bret, Rock, Stone Cold, Vader, Flash, Terry, Mankind, Diesel. Who is next? The times appears to tell us.

A Twenty-Ninth Challenger Appears: Henry O. Godwinn.

Oh for fuck’s sake. C’mon, guys, we have Attitude Era Origins in the ring and you bring in Sloppy McComedy-Jobber? Nine men in the ring and it is officially a schmoz with only one man left. There is no structure, they’re just waiting for number thirty so they can do some elimination spots. Hillbilly Jim watches on, happy to get a payday.

The Thirtieth and Final Challenger Appears: The Undertaker.

The lights go out! Ha! It would be so good if the lights went on and there were more people in the ring! Undertaker takes his time getting to the ring and they cut off his music early. He goes in over the top rope, goes for Vader, knocks him down, does the same to Mankind, then Austin, then Vader again. Chokeslam to Austin, chokeslam to Vader, punch to his half-brother Kane-Diesel, he pops Flash Funk’s head into Diesel’s and goes to the Rock, who fights back, bless him. Vader throws Flash Funk out with a lovely fallaway slam.

Flash Funk has been eliminated by Vader in 6:12.

We’re down to nine men now and we need to cut off the chaff so that the wheat can have their big main event spotfest and show the winner. Henry Godwinn is actually hitting Undertaker. Bret hits a lovely Bret’s Rope elbow onto Stone Cold’s head. Sign in the crowd says, “WWF: Wild, Racky Fun!”

Rock is attempting to toss over Bret and the crowd wakes up until Vader comes to Bret’s rescue. Undertaker boots Henry off, but he holds on. What are these men waiting on? They are hanging in the corners, just waiting for the next spot… which isn’t coming any time soon. Undertaker gets Henry Godwin and tosses him off the top rope.

Henry O. Godwinn has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 6:11.

Eight men left and Stone Cold is almost thrown out. Rock is tossed to the corner and Mankind catches him in the Mandible Claw as the rookie attempts a lariat.

Rocky Maivia has been eliminated by Mankind in 13:01.

Seven men remain. Terry Funk and Mankind both go over the top rope but they hold on. Funk attempts to suplex Mankind back into the ring, but Mankind reverses and Funk falls to the floor.

Terry Funk has been eliminated by Mankind in 15:08.

As the camera focusses on Big Daddy Kane punching Bret in the corner, Undertaker boots Mankind off the apron.

Mankind has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 12:20.

Five men left – Kane, Undertaker, Vader, Bret, Stone Cold.

Outside, Mankind and Funk argue with each other. Vader attacks Taker and Austin saves Bret by battering Diesel. Bret grips Austin and tosses him out, but the refs do not see it as Mankind and Funk are distracting them. Austin slides in and eliminates both Taker and Vader in one fell swoop!

Vader has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 10:06.

The Undertaker has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 6:46.

Bret tosses Diesel out!

Fake Diesel has been eliminated by Bret Hart in 17:49.

Stone Cold runs to the ropes and chucks Bret out!

Bret Hart has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 21:42.

Entrant number five, Stone Cold Steve Austin is the winner of the 1997 Royal Rumble in 50:29 after surviving for 45:07.

2017 comments:

Basically a Who’s Who of the Attitude Era, but not a great Rumble overall and there were no spots.

1997 comments:

Who does this Stone Cold boy think he is?

Grade: C

Bret pops back into the ring and argues with the refs as Stone Cold leaves the arena. He goes straight to Vince, shakes him and basically rehearses for the Montreal Screwjob in ten months. It matters not. Stone Cold is going to Wrestlemania 13 to fight the WWF Champion for the WWF Championship. Great stuff, storyline-wise, absolute shite wrestling-wise. JR justifies Austin’s heel move and doesn’t help himself go over as a heel announcer because the crowd love both Austin and Bret.

Big boos from the crowd. Vince introduces the main event: Shawn vs. Sid.

On the Card will return on February 9 2017 with the fourth and final part of Royal Rumble 1997.

Attitude Era #8: Royal Rumble 1997 (Jan 19, 1997) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: My favourite wrestlers and a man who almost killed another man.

Cut to our boy Terry Funk, half-brother of Flash Funk. He cuts a promo.

Backstage, the NOD are there and Jacqueline and a nameless member are harassed for not fighting for Faarooq. He shouts in the camera and calls Ahmed a punk.

Back in the arena, Vader pops down to the ring. Vader is very happy to be here. No one else cares. I like Vader. I used to hate him, but I like him. There is little fanfare, however.

The gong goes, the arena darkens and our man Undertaker takes his slow, laborious stroll to the ring. The crowd sing along with his song! Terrific! I love this! Oh, to be in the crowd then, at the height of Taker’s in-ring prowess! The pop is so big that nothing else can be heard. Brilliant, brilliant stuff. There are no announcers speaking, either, which just adds to the mystique… until Vince fucks it. Lovely shot of the Undertaker on the steel steps where the ring of lights has been dropped so it halos him. Jerry asks if it is a flying saucer. Derp.

Taker has a teardrop tattoo on his cheek. He has killed a man. There is a very odd reason for this match: there is none. No feud. Just… Vader and Undertaker, getting a payday.

Vader def. The Undertaker via pin in 13:19.

Vader and Taker swap blows for a while until Vader makes the mistake of hitting Taker in the back and getting an eyeful for his effort. Taker goes to charge Vader, gets knocked down, sits up instantly and Vader takes over, knocking Taker down again and again only for Taker to sit up. Vader goes to leave but Taker hits him with a double axe handle nothing and lays Vader out on the floor. Vader hits a guillotine stunner off the apron and Vader goes for the back body drop off the ropes but Undertaker leg drops the back of Vader’s head! Taker then body slams Vader! And another leg drop! He’s like a better Cunt Hogan.

Undertaker gets Vader in an armlock, goes for Old School, falls and lands on his balls. Silly Undertaker. But how does a dead man sell a shot to the nuts? Legit question. Vader hits Undertaker between the legs a second time and he sells it.

Cut to Todd Pettengill in the crowd, interviewing a very sweet little girl who saved up her money last summer to follow Shawn Michaels about the place. She babysat to do that. What a girl. Fair play to her. Those sort of stories make me love being a wrestling fan.

Back in the ring, the Undertaker is getting punched by Vader. Both men are gassed and Vader is on Bret’s rope, hitting a lovely, safe Bret’s rope nothing. Pin attempt and a fail. Vader has a wee massage on Taker and the crowd cheer to get Taker to his feet. Big punches from the Deadman and he hits a lovely backdrop onto Vader. Lots of high-lift manoeuvres here from the Deadman. Taker attempts to hit the elbow and fails. Vader, once again, hits Taker in the dick. Vince asks if we will see the Vaderbomb. Vader goes to Bret’s rope and jumps with Taker hitting a huge powerslam. Beautiful. Vader gets the Vader Bomb on Taker, but he kicks out, sits up, hammers on the big man, hits the jumping shoulder barge and goes for the second attempt at Old School. Vader is leaning on the ropes and could shake Taker off, but doesn’t.

Paul Bearer is here! Taker hits Vader with a great chokeslam, but Percy Pringle is looking at him, holding that Urn of his with a sneer. Taker does a lovely backwards-fall out of the ring, punches Paul and is shoved into the ring by Taker. Bearer crawls about, shouts, begs at Taker but is caught in a chokeslam. Vader is back in the ring, kicks Vader, punches Paul, clotheslines Vader out and falls with him. The French Announcer’s table (just replaced) is now the site of an Undertaker jump. Bearer pulls Vader to safety, but Taker has been hurt, hurt by that pesky guardrail!

Both men are taking their time and Paul smacks Taker on the back of the head with the urn, kisses it and sneers off. What a man. RIP in peace. Vader goes for the Vader Bomb slash Vader Drop slash fall, goes for the pin and takes Taker out in 13:19.

2017 comments:

Good match, just the right length, shame there was a lot of sitting around.

1997 comments:

God damn, but Vader got out of the ring quickly, didn’t he?

Grade: B

Vader escapes with Paul as his music hits. Undertaker is up, stares at the ref, as if to say, “Did you just let that happen, bro?” He then chokeslams the ref. Poor ref was hospitalised by Vader as well. He can’t get a break. Taker is angry, gosh, he is mad as hell. He starts tossing up chairs, shouting, throwing things, points at Vince, acts like it’s a screwjob of some kind. We see replays of the urn shot, the Vader Bomb/Drop and Taker shouts at the camera as he leaves.

Before he leaves, though, Jerry drops an absolute cracker: “That was a hard urn’d victory.” Actually amazing.

Cut to Stone Cold jawing off to the camera, telling them that he will not speaking until he goes through twenty-nine other pieces of trash.

Cut to the British Bulldog, who says he is amazing. And he is.

Back in the arena, no-entrance Jerry Estrada, Heavy Metal and Fuerza get ready for their match with Hector Garza, Perro Aguayo and Canek! The from AAA are ready to show these damned Americans who is the best Mexican.

Hector Garza, Perro Aguayo and Canek def. Jerry Estrada, Heavy Metal and Fuerza by pin in 10:56.

I don’t know much about these guys, so it’s going to be hard for me to tell you who does what. We have Estrada apparently starting off with Garza. Screw it, I’ll call them by their pants. We have yellow and black “Bee pants” vs. “Zebra pants”. JR says that these guys sometimes throw the rules out the window. Jerry says, “Like me!” and Vince replies with, “Yeah, but they’re atheletes.” Perro comes in, black pants and beats on star pants for a while. Lots of fast movements, here, stoppig and showboating. A lovely back body drop and star pants does bananas. The two luchas, red pants and singlet, run the ropes with a lovely hip toss, nice lariat.

JR explains the Lucha wrestlers. There is a missed senton and bee pants and zebra pants face off. Lots of backflips from zebra pants and a springboard back elbow followed by a lovely top-rope arm drag and a tiltawhirl backbreaker, second rope backflip and the two men shake hands before tagging out. Very nice. Red pants and star pants come in, do a test of strength and the two men do some lovely arm-drag-takedowns and dropkicks. A roll up gets nothing and singlet is in versus black pants. Lots of kicks from singlet until black pants knocks him down. Lovely arm drag takedown and black pants attempts a baseball slide, flying through the first and second ropes before tagging in bee pants and red pants.

Figure four attempt and zebra pants is in, dragging bee pants about with a lovely jumping clothesline and an STF. Zebra works on bee pants, tagging in black pants, who works bee pants legs over. Fallaway slam followed by a senton splash. Bee pants reaches for the tag but gets naught. Red pants is back in and bee pants dodges a spinning heel kick and is attacked by his own teammate by mistake. A tiny schmoz takes place and red pants lifts star pants up for the gorilla press. Zebra pants hits a jump to the outside and inside bee pants is press slammed by red pants, double stomp to the chest and the pin in 10:56.

2017 comments:

Fun match, but very disorganised with every man trying to get as many spots over as possible.

1997 comments:

Will we see these men again?

Grade: B

Vince tells us that we have the Royal Rumble match and the WWF Championship match to look forward to. There’s a promo for In Your House 13.

On the Card will return on February 2 2017 with the third part of Royal Rumble 1997.