Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Cunt Trump.

Cut to John Cena baby promo. What a guy. I love Cena.

It’s Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole as they remind us of the dark match that aired before WrassleMania with the lumberjack match. They run through the entire card and remind us how this has been the best WrestleMania ever. They are interrupted by the Lumberjills! Talentless hacks Jillian Hall, Candice Michelle, Kelly Kelly, Trinity, Torrie Wilson, Brooke, Kristal Marshall, Michelle McCool and Maria and talented ladies Mickie James, Layla and Victoria. This is the third piss-break match of the evening. Cunt JBL is loving it.

Ashley Massaro’s music hits and out she comes to farty streamers. Christ. Shameful all together, Ashley. The announcers big up Ashley’s Playboy cover and the fact that she’s attractive.

Melina appears, complete with papparazi and fur hood. No jacket, just a hoof. She has the women’s title belt with her and holds it over her head as she walks to the ring. Her tights have patterns on the front and back to make it look like she is wearing a nude suit.

Lumberjill match for the WWE Women’s Championship: Melina (c) def. Ashley Massaro via pin in 3:40.

Let’s get into this, I suppose. Ashley batters onto Melina, who rolls out and is tossed back in. Botched roll-up and Ashley is thrown into the ropes. Boot to the throat and Melina takes a couple of forearms to the face. Maggle reminds us that he is a straight man who likes women. Melina swings Ashley by her legs, botches a pin and Ashley kicks out. Melina lifts Ashley up in some attempt at a bow and arrow. Ashley hits a head scissors. The crowd is dead. Lovely monkey flip from Ashers and she tries to drop the elbow but misses. Melina is confused that this doesn’t somehow get her a pin. Botched pin gives Melina the win in 3:40.

2017 comments:

Piece of shit.

2007 comments:

I just wish that they’d go back to 1997 and have no women’s matches rather than this garbage.

Grade: Not a real match. Exploitation of women should never be graded.

This waste of time is followed up by Ashers throwing Melina out and the ladies jump in and there’s a schmoz. It’s horrific. Mickie checks her top and doesn’t get a chance to pair up with anyone. The faces all wave and smile and shout at one another. Waste of time and a waste of money. People will pay to see good women’s wrestling, but you need good women wrestlers, God dammit. Makes me happy that I watch wrasslin’ now with Charlotte, Bayley, Sasha, Paige (when sober), Becky Lynch et al. Women who are also wrestlers.

Not the Bellas though, fuck them.

Cut to a Shawn Michaels promo showing him as he has grown up and been a great wrassler. Still a child at heart, our Shawn.

We have fifty minutes left of the pay-per-view and 59% think John Cena will win the championship and 41% think Shawn will win. This is going to be a great match.

Promo showing Randy, Edge and Shawn squaring off for the chance to go to WrestleMania 23. Shawn wins and John is pleased with this. We see the Doctor of Thuganomics and the Showstopper do their moves in slow motion. Shawn superkicks, Cena FUs. Hustle, Loyalty, Respect. It’s a fucking terrific promo, actually, and really bigs up the face-vs-face match. This is the biggest one since Stone Cold/Rock of 2001. We see Shawn Sweet Chin Musicing Cena, thus making him the semi-heel.

Back to the arena and Lillian introduces the-

Oh fuck, Shawn, are you still using the DX music? Come in to Sexy Boy, for God’s sake. I keep wishing they would cut and change it in the middle of it. Shawn showboats for the crowd and gives the audience a seizure. He hits the crotch chops and big X pyro hits. Cena and Michaels are tag team champs. It would have been great to have them fight earlier in the night and defend their titles before they come out for this. Really get more drama from this. Shawn hits his sexy boy pose and very weak pyro goes off above him. Michaels gives a face to the ref as the image cuts to a Mustang screeching through the roads on the way to Ford Field, barrelling down into the underground and the car smashes clean through the WrestleMania glass to reveal-

Dun dun dun dun! John Ceeeeeena! He pops up to the ramp, gives the salute and rocks down to the ring, full of piss and vinegar. I do adore Cena. I do not look forward to hearing the truth about him that he beats up kids or whatever. Shawn does not look impressed. Belt is shown to both men. They stare each other out. Ref carries out checks on both men to ensure neither have weapons.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) def. Shawn Michaels via submission in 28:22.

It’s difficult to see who is the underdog here – probably Shawn. He’s also the most heelish of the two. They both gesture to one another and stand toe-to-toe. Shawn offers his hand and the two speak. Cena is annoyed and Shawn slaps him. Cena is knocked down by the chops and Shawn crotch chops. Rascal. Cena is frustrated. Lock-up and Shawn gets Cena into a headlock, out-manoeuvring him every step of the way. Cena lifts Michaels for the backdrop but Shawn lands it and once again knocks Cena down. Cena takes his time standing up and Shawn gestures to him. Slowly, they both stand up and once again, Cena gets the bad end of it and is the victim of a snapmare. Chat of, “Let’s go, Cena/Cena sucks!” rises.

Another snapmare from Cena and a pin attempt followed by another. Michaels ducks once, twice and on the third, Cena clotheslines Shawn down. Both men share a wicked look and Shawn jumps up, hitting Cena with the Thesz press. Shawn lands on the apron after being thrown out, guillotines Cena and then hip-tosses him outside. Lovely knife-edge chop to Cena from Michaels. Shawn throws Cena onto the table, hits a lovely springboard moonsault but fails to break the table. Undeterred, Shawn rolls Cena back in the ring, chops Cena in one corner, bops Cena with the forearm, gives him another chop and throws him into the corner. Cena attempts to kick, Michaels catches it and attacks his knee. Michaels then works the knee, kicking it, battering it against the ringpost. It looks like a shoot fight. Great psychology here. Fair play to the pair of yis.

Referee Mike Chioda gives off to both men and allows Shawn to hit another knife-edge chop on Cena and King tells us that he did not expect this type of match. I don’t think anyone did. Which is great! Shawn gets down to Cena’s level and both men are having a wee chat. The pace has slowed down and Both men are tired. They trade blows for a bit and Cena eventually gives a big right-hand to take Cena down. JR tells us that a one-legged man cannot be WWE Champ… no offense to any one-legged men. Cena throws Shawn away and as Shawn dives over, Cena dodge, allowing Michaels to hit the ringpost. The camera stays on Cena so that Michaels can have a chance to blade.

His eyebrow bust, Michaels gets unsteadily to his feet. Cena batters on Michaels, hammers him in the face and uses this momentum to hit the sit-out powerbomb, five-knuckle shuffle to great boos. Michaels gets to his feet and Cena lifts him for an FU, Shawn escapes but allows himself to be turned inside out by the Irish whip. He dodges another FU attempt, Cena ducks the superkick and ref takes a bump. Cena picks Michaels up for the FU, Shawn counters it into a DDT and both men have a lovely sit down. Michaels is bleeding, spitting, and gets the steel ring steps, drags Cena around and hits a piledriver on Cena. It looks nasty. Cena has a big-ass head and chances are that Cena’s head would not have been totally protected. Cena sells like death and as Michaels rolls him back into the ring, we see that Cena’s head is cut open. Christ. That looked messy.

In the ring, Shawn calls for a new ref and down rolls Jack Doan who hits the one, two and Cena kicks out. Shawn lifts Cena up and Cena wakes enough to counted an Irish whip. Michaels hits the shoulder barge, kip-up, goes to the top rope to hit the elbow and lands it. He showboats for a while and Cena finally gets up, Shawn tunes up the band and as he goes for Sweet Chin Music, Cena clotheslines him down. Michaels spits and the two men trade punches. Cena lifts Shawn for the FU but Michaels rolls around and there is a sunset pin that gets a two-count. Cena picks Shawn up for another FU and gets it. The crowd is on their feet and a lot of them are not happy. Cena gets the cover but Shawn kicks out. Thunderous applause.

Cena picks up Shawn onto the turnbuckle and keeps him there with a brave few punches. Cena attempts the super-FU but Michaels escapes, punches Cena until he falls, hits the lariat but Cena rolls through, lifting Shawn up for another FU. Michaels escapes, attempts the Sweet Chin Music but Cena drop-toe-holds him, attempts the STFU and Shawn rolls it into a pin attempt. Michaels attempts the enziguri, misses and Cena locks in the STFU. Shawn attempts to get to the ropes, gets there and the ref manhandles Cena and shouts at him. Michaels takes advantage of the situation to hit Sweet Chin Music. Shawn covers Cena but only gets a two-count. Cena and Shawn have a lovely wee chat for a while. Some arseholes in the crowd keep crotch chopping when the camera is on them. Big ten count and both men are up before then, leaning on each other. Cena lifts Shawn up for the FU, Michaels escapes, drop-toe hold and Michaels is caught in the STFU and taps out in 28:22.

2017 comments:

Great match. Great psychology. Not fantastic rate of work, though.

2007 comments:

Poor Shawn. At least you tried.

Grade: A.

JR bigs up the match and WrestleMania and life in general. King agrees with him. John Cena lifts the belt and big-ass pyro hits. He points to the camera and says, “This win is for you,” and King suggests that he’s talking about his daddy, John Cena Sr. Replays of the match. We see the close-falls, the FUs, the SCMs, the STFUs, the HBKs.

Cena stops Michaels on his way down the ramp. Michaels walks away from him and salutes him. Why the pair of them couldn’t hug is beyond me. Big glitter falls from the sky. JR thanks us and wishes us goodnight.

There follows a package showing WrestleManias of years past as well as clear references within this ‘Mania.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I would have love to nominate Shawn Michaels for his great match but he’s already won at SummerSlam 06, so I’m nominating Stone Cold Steve Austin for Stunnering Cunt President Donald Trump and doing what the majority of the planet want to do.

Woman of the Matches: No one.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: No one!

Best Spot: Jeff Hardy leg dropping Edge on the ladder.

Hatches: Cunt President Donald Trump appears for the first and, thankfully, last time this blog. Layla competed for the first and last time, as did Maria and Snitsky. Stone Cold appeared for the first time since Judgment Day 2002. As it is WrestleMania, a lot of people have turned up after a long absence including Balls, Charlie Haas, Dave Taylor, Elijah Burke, Hacksaw, Little Guido, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker, Rory and Robbie McAllister, Stevie Richards, Sylvan, Val Venis and Vince.

Matches: Mr. Kennedy becomes the third Money in the Bank champion; [REDACTED] Benoit retains his US Championship, in his fifth reign; Vince loses his hair; The Undertaker defeats Batista to secure his first reign as World Heavyweight Champion; Melina defeats Ashley Massaro to retain her WWE Women’s Championship for her first reign; and John Cena defeats Shawn Michaels to retain his WWE Championship in his third reign.

Dispatches: We say goodbye to the following people in this era: Ariel, Ashley Massaro, Balls Mahoney, Cunt Bob Holly, Brian Kendrick, Brooke, Dairvari, Cunt President Donald Trump, Eugene, Finlay, Hurricane Helms, Jamie Noble, Jillian Hall, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, JTG, Kelly Kelly, Kevin Thorn, Kristal, Layla, Little Guido, Viscera, Maria, Michelle McUndertakerwife, Paul London, Mr. Kennedy, Robbie and Rory McAllister, Sabu (thank Christ), Scotty 2 Hotty, Shad Gaspard, Shannon Moore, Sho Funaki, Snitsky, Kenny Dykstra, Steven Richards, Stone Cold, Sylvan, The Miz, Torrie Wilson, Trinity, Val Venis and Victoria.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels (Summerslam 06), [REDACTED] Benoit (Survivor Series ’06), Joey Mercury (Royal Rumble 07).

Nominated for Man of the Matches: Jimmy Wang Yang and Stone Cold Steve Austin

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Stone Cold!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell (Summerslam 06), Trish Stratus (Survivor Series 06), Victoria (Royal Rumble 07).

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: N/A and N/A.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… No one because the women were shite!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania, I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. This list is a bit shorter due to the fact that the shows have been so recent.

  • Andrew James Robert Patrick Martin AKA Test, March 17 1975 – March 13 2009; accidental overdose of oxycodone.
  • Christopher Michael Benoit, May 21 1967 – June 29 2009; hanging.
  • Edward Smith Fatu AKA Umaga, March 28 1973 – December 4 2009; heart attack caused by acute toxicity.
  • Harry Fujiwara AKA Mr. Fuji, May 4 1934 – August 28 2016; old age. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by Don “The Rock” Muraco.
  • Jonathan “Jon” Rechner AKA Balls Mahoney, April 11 1972 – April 12 2016; heart attack.
  • Lance Kurtis McNaught AKA Lance Cade, March 2 1981 – August 13 2010; heart failure caused by intoxication from mixed drugs.
  • Nelson Lee Frazier Jr AKA Viscera AKA Mabel AKA Big Daddy V, February 14 1971 – February 18 2014; heart attack.
  • Roderick George Toombs AKA Rowdy Roddy Piper, April 17 1954 – July 31 2015; cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Ric Flair in 2005.
  • Virgil Riley Runnels Jr AKA Dusty Rhodes, October 12 1945 – June 11 2015; a bad fall. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by his sons, Cody (Stardust) and Dustin (Goldust).

Closing Statements: It was a good WrestleMania. Not amazing, but certainly better than most of the PPVs previous. The ladder match was fun as was the Benoit/MVP match. The main event was not as good as I expected it to be, but still of a very high standard and the psychology was wonderful.

On the Card will return on April 29 2017 with Backlash 2007.

 

Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Drizzling shits.

Backstage, Sabu is being loaded into an ambulance. Don’t know why it’s taken so long for that to happen. RVD and CM Punk are there, ready to look disappointed.

Out come Daivari and the Great Khali. Well, they can go fuck themselves. Daivari shouts in a foreign language. The cheek of him! Don’t he know that this is America? The announcers attempt to big up Khali, who is not even wrestling this evening.

Tommy Dreamer’s music hits and the man himself comes out, not getting as big a pop as he should, really. The crowd chant for ECW as the bell rings.

Daivari (w/ The Great Khali) def. Tommy Dreamer via pin in 7:22.

Why isn’t Beulah out? She should be there, taking chokeslams from Khali or whatever. Daivari takes over at the start and Tommy goes after Khali until Daivari rolls back in the ring and gets a lovely hip toss for his effort. Daivari goes outside, takes an almost-countout and Tommy drop toe-holds him. Lovely baseball slide to Tommy’s head and Daivari is thrown into the barricade. In the ring, Dreamer give Daivari a lovely suplex and goes to bounce off the ropes but Khali pulls on them, causing Dreamer to fall outside the ring and for Khali to be ejected from ringside. Brilliant. Crowd are loving it.

In the ring, Tommy is being beaten on by Daivari and gets into a chinlock in the centre of the ring. Tommy gets slammed to the floor, gets an elbow drop and knees to the spine and elbows to the neck. The crowd urge Dreamer to “Fuck ‘em up.” More chinlocks, a rear-naked choke to be exact. Tommy’s fist pounds, fighting to his feet and lifting Daivari on his back until Dreamer falls back, slamming the pair of them down. Fists swing mid-ring and Daivari goes on his back. Lovely back-body drop and Dreamer gives Daivari the inverted DDT but gets no pin. Fireman’s carry followed by a rake to the eyes and Daivari goes top-rope. Dreamer attempts to throw him off but Daivari jumps for the headbutt and misses. Tommy fires Daivari into the Tree of Woe and the dropkick. Then Daivari hits the roll-up and wins.

2016 comments:

Crappy start, good middle, shitty ending.

2006 comments:

I was almost enjoying that.

Grade: C

Tommy, embarrassed, goes after Daivari. Khali appears and throws Tommy onto the Titantron. It is shitty and weak-looking even in the replay. In fact, they show the replay a number of times. Is Tommy legit hurt? Who is to know? Wait… wait… Tommy is sitting up! He’s fine. He’s back! He’s alive! Fuck yeah! Tommy Dreamer! ECW! Etc.

Paul Heyman is looking for someone and he finds Hardcore Holly. We all know what’s going to happen here. He suggests that Hardcore Holly replace Sabu. Bob Holly can’t act to save his life. God damned Sparky Plugg.

Mike Knox’s music plays and he comes out hand-in-hand with Kelly Kelly. It’s a mixed-gender tag team match. Yeo. This is going to be worth the airtime, I tell you what. Mike gives off to Kelly Kelly and as he goes to the corners, Kelly wishes CM Punk good luck in the Elimination Chamber. Christ.

Then Ariel and Kevin Thorn come out. They’re goths, you see. They’re called “two followers of vampirism”. As a kid, I loved Ariel, I thought she was the bees knees. Now, I see her as a semi-talented wrestler. Bell rings.

Intergender Tag Team match: Kevin Thorn and Ariel def. Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly via pin in 7:43.

The thing with having a male/female tag matches is that there are two kinds: intergender and mixed. In intergender, it works like a normal tag match where the legal partner tags in the one on the apron to help out in ring; in mixed, when two males are squaring off and one tags in his female partner, his opponent’s female partner must also tag in. The first is for hardcore and to allow lads to hit ladies; the second is a bit more PC and family friendly and stops the misogyny… or at least cuts back on it.

Thorn and Knox start off with Mike giving a few stretches and Kelly jumping on the apron. Kevin and Mike lock up. It is clear that Mike is the stronger of the two and Thorn wants to figure out his weaknesses. Quick dodge from Thorn and a punch to Knox’s face to knock him down. Ariel is distracting the cameraman with her arse. Knox tages over, pulling Thorn by the hair and knocking him to the ground with a huge punch. The pace here is slow and Ariel screams more than Melina. Lovely clothesline from Thorn and he gives Kelly a good hard stare. Tazz: “Good look there, Joey, like kismet… kismet, I say!”

Knox gives Thorn the big boot and goes for the pin but Kevin’s foot is on the rope. The crowd are going mental as Ariel is jumping up and down on the Apron as Knox gets Thorn in the headlock. The ladies haven’t been in yet but Ariel tags herself in and calls for Kelly Kelly to enter the ring. Kelly, just happy to be in attendance, points at herself as if to say, “My name is Kelly.” The crowd go mental. Ariel hits the big boot and gives Kelly a semi-tarantula on the ropes. A few punches and a crowd-pleasing boot to the throat follows. Ariel pulls on Kelly’s hair a lot. Kelly escapes Ariel’s hold and reaches for Mike but gets pulled back. Ariel does a bad dance and as Kelly goes to tag in Mike, he walks away, keeping her in the ring. Ariel takes over, giving her the fallaway chokeslam and sitting on Kelly’s face for the pin in 7:43.

2016 comments:

Godammit, so close to being a good match! If the boys had a bit more back-and-forth and the hot tag were better built up, this could have been a winner.

2006 comments:

If I just, like, hang about in Hot Topic, can I find a girl that looks like Ariel? I wouldn’t want to go out with her, just look at her for a while.

Grade: C

Ariel is about to leave but returns to Kelly to beat on her some more. The bell rings and… Oh yeah, it’s Sandman. Coming in for what reason? It’s in his contract, probably. The man stops, busts open a beer, busts open his own face, goes into the ring, swings his Singapore cane about and whips Kevin Thorn like a motherfucker. Sandman chases him up the ramp and whips him backstage, taking out a second beer and guzzling it, throwing it to the crowd afterwards. What a guy. What a terrible, terrible guy.

We’re getting ready for the Extreme Elimination Chamber and backstage, Rebecca DiPietro interviews Bobby Lashley, showing a promo of Bobby being screwed over by Paul Heyman during a match with Big Show. Bobby is upset about that. Rebecca mutters her way through a question and Bobby stumbles through his answer.

Cut to the Big Show, Bob Holly and Test walking to the ring with Paul E Dangerously and his goon squad.

Cut to a promo of the six men who will be fighting in the elimination chamber. This one is different because there are weapons. Funnily enough, this promo still has Sabu in it, which is good Kayfabe, I suppose. We see Bobby, CM Punk, RVD, Test, Sabu and Big Show hit people. Two miles of chain in the Elimination Chamber, apparently. The other stats don’t matter.

ECW music hits and out comes Paul E Dangerously himself, now known as Paul Heyman. He’s a great lad all together. He tells the crowd that this is their main event. The crowd cheer. As he talks, one member of the crowd tells him he sucks. He name-checks Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair – big woos from the crowd – and makes it out that he’s some sort of god in wrestling. He mentions Sabu and the crowd are not happy about this.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Sabu was removed from the chamber due to rumours that there was aminosity surrounding him and the Fed don’t respect him due to his reliance on hardcore matches.

Paul tells us that the time of Sabu and RVD has come to an end. Big boos. Heyman is riling the crowd up and the chamber lowers. The crowd is dead, no one is moving, no one his happy. Tazz says that he felt like he was welcome in the chamber. That’s true. He isn’t welcome anywhere near the damn thing.

The rules pop up, telling us that five minute intervals will open each pod with a new wrestler and new weapon.

Big Show’s music hits and the man comes down to the ring with his ECW world championship. He enters the chamber, look around and is ordered into a pod with the barbed wire baseball bat. He tests the barbed wire. Apparently, it is real.

CM Punk’s music hits and down he comes. Big Show’s face is against the plastic like a dog stuck in a car. Punk hops into the ring and is asked to go to a pod. He does, but not before harassing the Big Show in his. Big Show has forced his arm out of the pod already.

Test’s music hits and the crowd is silent. Ould Roidy Magoo comes down with his huge belly and his lack of talent. Tazz calls him one of the most intense athletes in the ECW roster, which is a lie. Big Show claps for Test and the ear-pierced idiot is put into a pod with a crowbar. By Christ, what is Gordon Freeman doing in a wrestling match?

Three pods filled and number four comes down: Bobby Lashley. Pathetic pyro. Lashley is the babyface, but not the fan favourite. Lashley is put in a pod with a table so that he can begin to make a refreshing meal for the other gentlemen. Paul Heyman is watching intently.

Hardcore Holly’s music hits and old Elroy Jetson himself comes to the ring with no humour at all. Awful. The crowd are going to hate him because he’s not Sabu and he’s terrible. Test applauds him with much difficulty.

Finally, we have our man RVD, coming to the ring stoned and all stretched out with his Ying and Yang. He takes his time coming to the ring because he, like everyone here, is not looking forward to this shitshow. RVD and CM Punk are good but Big Show gets gassed early, Holly has no empathy, Bobby is good but too much of a babyface and Test might well eat someone by mistake. The bell rings and the clock starts counting down from five minutes.

Extreme Elimination Match: Bobby Lashley def. Big Show (c) (w/ Paul Heyman), Rob Van Dam, Hardcore Holly, CM Punk and Test via elimination in 24:42.

Twenty-four, forty-two. The palindromic number. RVD and Holly lock up and bounce back and forth as the announcers remind us of the last ten minutes of intros. Holly throws Van Dam out of the ring and in reply, RVD jumps to the cage wall from the turnbuckle and back at Holly. Tazz wonders, “How does he do that?” By jumping. Holly throws RVD into the side of the chamber and gives him a gentle bodyslam before going to the top rope and attempting a top-rope nothing to which RVD reverses. RVD gives a huge Rolling Thunder over the top rope. Holly has a lovely wee lie down and RVD gets a suplex into the ring. Holly attempts a pin and fails. Tazz tells us that the biggest weapon in the Elimination Chamber… is the chamber itself.

Holly dropkicks RVD and the crowd counts down as the flashing roulette of fear opens up CM Punk’s pod. The straight edge lad jumps out, throws a chair at Holly and springboards right off the ropes onto RVD. He throws the chair at RVD, who catches it and throws it back. Then the two put on a better show in a minute than Holly has done in his entire career. Van Dam got bust open at some point and has his head put through the chair in the corner. Holly goes to pin Punk after flinging him into the side of the chamber and fails. Holly boots on Punk and the crowd chant for our boy Phil. RVD is badly bust and there are still two minutes to wait before someone else comes in. Holly suplexes Punk onto the ropes. Holly lifts Punk onto the top rope and there is a huge superplex from the top rope. RVD takes advantage and tries to pin Punk but fails. We have thirty seconds before another pod opens and the crowd are crazy for RVD.

The roulette of pain spins and Test comes out, the useless fuck. He sticks the crowbar’s spike into RVD’s forehead and gets a stunner from Punk. RVD is up with a chair, hitting Test a shot in the head followed by Holly and finally a dropkick with the chair to Punk. Five-Star Frog Splash and Punk is pinned.

CM Punk has been eliminated by RVD in 12:35.

Well that’s the crowd off side now. They’re not going to like that. Test big boots Holly and pins him for the elimination to no fanfare.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by Test in 12:45.

RVD climbs on top of the Big Show’s pod and the man leans through to grab him. Test gets up and hits RVD twice with a chair. Test pulls RVD off the pod, puts a chair on him and climbs up top to hit the massive elbow drop for the pin.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 14:15.

Big Show watches on, a look of horrific ecstasy on his face. The crowd are calling “Bullshit!” even though Test’s elbow drop was pretty impressive… for Test. We’re not dealing with Match of the Year types here, guys. We have New Year’s Baby and Roidy Magoo in here. C’mon. Lower the old standards.

The timer counts down and the penultimate pod opens: Bobby Lashley. But wait! Someone outside is keeping the pod locked. What is the meaning of this? Is there an unknown rule whereby if Bobby fails to leave his pod then he will be disqualified? It’s okay, though, he just uses his table to smash through some steel chains and escape. What a shitty spot.

Lashley escapes, beats on Test mercilessly and throws him into the blocked pod, smashing it open. Bobby throws Test around. The crowd are rabid by this point. Test takes over and holds Lashley by the foot, goes to take his chair and Bobby boots him in the face followed by a fair few clotheslines and a lovely suplex. Lashley gets the crowbar and spears Test, pinning him.

Test has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 19:42.

Here we go… Bobby alone in the Elimination Chamber with our boy The Big Show. Paul Heyman is giving Show a bit of a pep talk and with forty seconds left, Bobby is setting up a table to throw at Show, who stares out at him. Bobby chucks a chair at it, too and the pod opens when the time runs out. Big Show slowly walks out with the barbed wire baseball bat and wails on Bobby who only has the chair to protect himself. Bobby ducks and the barbed wire baseball bat is stuck in the chains. The ref has to remove it. Big Show is bust and Bobby throws him into a pod, beating on Show mercilessly.

Show smashes out, damn near knocking a cameraman over. Bobby bounces off the wall as if it is a ring rope. Show chucks him over the rope into the ring. Show calls for the chokeslam and Lashley is about to take it, countering it into a DDT. Paul Heyman looks on in horror. Lashley is up and the two men are swinging fists at each other. Bobby jumps into Lashley’s arms and escapes, bouncing about to give a huge spear to Big Show, winning the match in 24:42

2016 comments:

Good start, shitty middle, horrible ending.

2006 comments:

I don’t understand.

Grade: C

Bobby celebrates as our boy Paul looks on in horror and dismay. Tazz wonders how Lashley did it. With little difficulty. CM Punk and RVD did most of the hard work, being honest. He leaves, clapping hands and holding the championship aloft. Big pyro hits and Bobby’s dead happy.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I gotta say for the ten seconds or so that CM Punk was in this PPV, he kicked arse.

Woman of the Matches: Ariel. No doubt.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk!

Best Spot: Jeff’s catapult-to-moonsault onto MNM.

Hatches: Kevin Thorn, Balls Mahoney and Daivari.

Matches: Only one title was on the line and it changed hands: Bobby Lashley wins his first reign as ECW champion.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: This is renowned as the worst PPV of all time, certainly the worst-grossing, but was it really that bad? The last match was an indication of the entire PPV: It started okay and got steadily worse except for a bit in the middle where it was okay again. This PPV could have been so much bigger and better but backstage squabbles, lack of planning and preparation makes it just so. It’s still better than wrasslin’ used to be, mind.

On the Card will return on December 17 2016 with the Smackdown PPV Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.