Previously on On the Card: We had a shitshow of a promo from JBL and a great Rey vs. Sabu match. What’s up next?
Promo to remind us that the upcoming fight is because of a feud starting at WrestleMania 22. Edge and Mick Foley had a great match and they became co-holders of the Hardcore Title. Mick is a heel now and I hate heel Foley so fuck this entire angle. Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk come out and the match is made by Paul Heyman.
Mick’s music hits and the man comes down to the ring to mixed reaction. He has a mic in his hand, so this could either be great or crap. He says, “Yeah, I did sell out… I sold out Madison Square Garden.” He then bigs up Stephanie McMahon and introduces Edge.
Edge has his awesome music on. I love all of Edge’s themes. Lita is reacting to the fans as if they are diseased (which they might well be). Edge calls out the ECW fans and swears. He also tell them that is girlfriend is hot, which Lita is, let’s face it. Lita gets the mic and says Dreamer is the innovator of silence. The fan call her a crack whore. She says that her pin last week, where she sat on Tommy’s face was more action than any of the fans got in a year. Tommy and Terry then come out along with Beulah McGillicutty, Tommy’s wife! None of them look impressed. Referee John Finnegan (presumably Irish) he keeping the peace.
Tommy looks like hell. Beulah gets the mic and says that the trash that comes out of Lita’s mouth is more disgusting than the stuff she puts in it. Lita does the old tongue-in-cheek-blowjob sign and the crowd cheers. Because Lita is a woman, you see, she is promiscuous and thus the worst of us. Beulah says that since Lita loves threesomes, the match should be three-on-three. Then there’s a cat fight.
Extreme Rules Intergender Match: Mick Foley, Edge and Lita def. Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer and Beulah McGillicutty via pinfall in 18:45.
The bell rings to a rousing chant of, “Fuck ‘em up, Beulah, fuck ‘em up!” and the groups go to their respective corners. According to Joey, Beulah was in one of the bloodiest matches in ECW history with Bill Alphonso wherein Alphonso needed a transfusion as he lost a third of the blood in his body. Edge farts around with Tommy for a while and Mick is tagged in, calling instantly for Terry to tag in. The guys actually do it instead of teasing it. Foley gets slaps from Terry and Mick decides to leave but soon Dreamer and Edge join the fight. Chairs are thrown, water is spat. Faces are slapped. A bin appears and Edge is hit by a… baking tray?
No, it’s a stop sign.
Edge takes a bin to the head and our man Tommy dropkicks a bin right in Mick’s face. Those bins just fold under any pressure. They’re like aluminium cans. They can’t hurt, right? Foley and Funk fight up the ramp and boys are tossed into the crowd. A ladder appears from somewhere. Unlike other tag matches where the action is split, both Edge/Dreamer and Foley/Funk are fucking around at the same time. Great bump on the ladder from the boys in the ring. Edge earns his neck problems. Three Stooges spot from Funk in the ring but it doesn’t last long. Funk and Dreamer set up the ladder. Funk is climbing up and Edge tips it. Very anticlimactic.
Tommy goes for the Dreamer Driver on Edge and Lita kicks him in the balls. Presumably Irish Referee John Finnegan tells her off. The crowd call her a crack whore. Again.
Motherfucking barbed wire board is brought out from underneath the ring. It is promptly dropped on Dreamer and as it is removed, it pulls at his skin. Ruthless. Edge and Mick look on, gormless. They lift the board again and Funk pulls at Edge’s legs, sending the barbed wire board to the ground, catching the Rated R Superstar’s face on the way down. Tommy is up and the crowd bay for fire. Are you not entertained?
Mick gets a weak Irish whip into the barbed wire. We’re going to get a lot of blood soon. The crowd think it’s awesome, though. Funk gets the board dropped on his face. Lita gingerly lifts up the apron and gives Mick some loose barbed wire that he wraps around his fist and pummels Funk with. Considering the camera angles and people hiding left and right, I’d not be surprised if everyone has bladed. Shot of a girl in the crowd, looking horrified. Funk is brought out, wailing about his eye. The crowd call Mick a sick fuck. Lita and Beulah haven’t even been in the match yet. Mick brings out a barbed wire baseball bat. Lita’s turn in the match where she leg drops the baseball bat into Tommy’s balls.
Mick gets out Mr. Socko! The crowd hate it! The Mandible Claw is applied to Beulah and Tommy fights back, bruised balls and all. Mick Claws Dreamer and Edge spears him. Lita fixes her boobs and the trio attack Beulah. Edge gets her in a suplex position from behind and – who is that? Is… Is that… IT’S TERRY FUNK! HE’S BACK! COMING THROUGH THE CROWD.
AND HE HAS A BARBED WIRE TWO BY FOUR.
The girls fight outside and Dreamer sets up the barbed wire board. Funk sets the barbed wire two by four aflame and cracks Mick with it, setting his flannel on fire and into the barbed wire board. Extinguishers put him out just as Edge throws Funk onto the board as well. Dreamer wraps the barbed wire around Edge and the submission is stopped by Lita. Beulah jumps in and Joey screeches, “CAT FIGHT!” Dreamer hits Lita with the Dreamer Driver and both he and his wife cheer to the crowd. Edge takes Dreamer down, followed by Beulah and pins her with the organ grinder (mit thrusting hips) for the three in 18:45.
What a clusterfuck. It was partially the best match of the card for the extreme spots and the worst because there was no plot. Let’s get a barbed wire board. Let’s bump on the board. Let’s get a barbed wire baseball bat. Let’s bump with it. Repeat as they went up the tiers until fire came out and the match just fell apart there. The hells were horrible and there hardly felt like the faces got any offense.
Match of the year.
Edge’s beautiful song starts and he stumbles about. The announcer calls it “The Team of Edge and Mick Foley”, completely negating Lita’s involvement. Foley and Funk are still attached to the board. Funk is quaking and screaming in pain, really hamming it up. Replays of the organ grinder finish. Repulsive. The announcer’s say, “She’s a woman!” One of Funk’s biceps is being dug into by the barbed wire, bruising. Tommy lifts Beulah and they get a big chant. Funk begs to be cut out and some men come with clippers. He is bleeding bad and this kid, God dammit, this, like seven year old ginger kid is front and centre, clapping away. Who brought their kid to this?
A pensive John Cena considers his match as RVD shadow boxes in a dungeon of some description. Tazz and Joey have a wee chat about how great the main event will be. No one seems to care about the fucking match that just happened.
Balls Mahoney’s music plays and down comes the chair-swinging freak. The crowd chant “Balls! Balls! Balls!” He barely poses before Masato Tanaka comes down, super special tape on his shoulder.
Extreme Rules Match: Balls Mahoney def. Masato Tanaka via pinfall in 05:03.
The bell rings and Tanaka’s looking great other than those scars on his chest. Quick hip tosses, arm drags and Irish whips to start off with. This is the graveyard shift, a tiny match between not popular wrestlers nestled between the two big matches. Balls really hams up the punches and Tanaka sells it well. Balls goes over the ring ropes and swears loudly. Tanaka jumps over and botches a move. Balls calls for beer and cracks Tanaka with it. He calls for another and does the same. Tanaka repeats it and gets a chair with a fair smack as Balls dodges it. Chair goes into the ring and so do the wrestlers. Balls goes to the top rope and Tanaka superplexes him off it but only gets a two-count.
Tanaka goes to the top rope and Balls goes to give Tanaka a superplex as well but only gets a two-count. Balls, undeterred, goes for the chair and Tanaka has his. Duelling chair shots and Tanaka loses, getting bust with a brutal chair shot that bends the metal of the chair. Balls goes for the pin and gets it.
Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.
That chair shot alone made my teeth shake.
Balls has a great song, actually. It’s nice and has a good beat to it. Balls leaves, running off to cash in his five minutes of work. John Cena and Rob Van Dam have a lovely wee promo to remind the viewers of why this match is going on. RVD won the Money in the Bank ladder match at WrassleMania 22 and he cashed it in, making sure that it takes place at ECW. Cena’s title might go to Van Dam, ECW and thus change its name. Cena, the monster that he is, is in good form in this promo. He looks very threatening. The Stephen DeAngelis is about to announce the match when…
Oh God, Eugene.
The crowd are having none of this. The crowd chant, “Fuck you, retard.” Bad taste. Eugene starts a poem. The crowd tell him to shut the fuck up. Sandman’s music plays and down the man comes. It’s not the real Metallica music, though, and so screws up his entrance. When he busts himself, he very nearly knocks himself out. His walk to the ring is a little sadder than it should be. This is not going to be fun.
And it isn’t.
The crowd are baying for a mentally challenged man to be beaten up. Is this pro wrestling’s lowest moment? No, but it certainly this PPV’s. Sandman makes Eugene beg but he still beats on him. Shitty, shitty spot. The announcers call Sandman, “One of a kind” and then plug the new show on Sci-fi. He’s not one of a kind, he’s a cunt.
Not as big a cunt as Tazz, though, who is still making fun of Eugene and his mental disabilities.
Stephen DeAngelis attempts to get the main event started again and RVD enters to a decent enough response. Vlad the superfan is in attendance, I see. Joey mentions that RVD is the best wrestler to have never held a world championship. RVD high fives everyone in the crowd. Tazz calls Cena a “tough bastard” and both he and Joey big up the fact that RVD is popular but Cena is so hated that he tips the grading average and passes the rest of the class.
Cena’s music hits and the boos are phenomenal. He lifts the belt, dips his head and walks down. Quite nice because he is showing respect to the crowd, acknowledging his hate but also showing that he is the champ. Big closeup on the “if Cena wins, we riot” sign. RVD gets a huge pop for his introduction. He looks like he is ready to kill a motherfucker. Cena gets steady boos. He throws the t-shirt and hat into the crowd and they are thrown back. Cena then decides to throw the shirt back and it bounces from Cena to crowd to Cena to crowd. Along the way, it is spat upon, stamped upon and wiped on a butt. RVD takes this time to turn the chant into a “Rob Van Dam” chant. Toilet paper and bottles are thrown before the bell rings and “Fuck you, Cena. Fuck you, Cena,” chants rise. The bell rings and the two men clash.
Extreme Rules Match for the WWE Championship: Rob Van Dam def. John Cena (c) in 20:40.
The crowd then tell us that Cena swallows as RVD and himself slap each other in the corner. Irish whip and the crowd tell Cena that he can’t wrestle. Cena is obviously ticked by this and has a chat with Van Dam by applying a headlock. He sets up the Five Knuckle Shuffle but Van Dam jumps up and belts him one across the face. Lots of cheers. Cena and Van Dam are forehead to forehead and trade smacks. “Yeah!” for Van Dam and “Boo!” for Cena. The announcers call it unbelievable and phenomenal. The crowd cry, “Same old shit,” which is funny considering that they are on for Van Dam in this instance who hasn’t changed his moveset since the 90s.
Cena goes to the top turnbuckle and, in a change of form, actually hits a flying move, but it is a weak elbow to Van Dam. He holds up his belt to show who is the boss. The crowd tell him he is overrated. Van Dam hits a great moonsault off the steel steps. The crowd chant for RVD and he raises a chair in response. Cena is there, ready to beat on RVD and throws him into the cameraman. Cena then shoves RVD into the crowd, where he beats on his opponent, at one point punching him through a “Fuck You, Cena” sign.
Van Dam hits a corkscrew leg drop on Cena as he is dangling over the barrier. The crowd tell Van Dam to fuck up Cena and he does with a slingshot leg drop to the apron. Van Dam gets another chair and the announcers remind us that it is extreme rules. Van Dam does a leg drop on a chair onto John Cena followed by another corkscrew leg drop and a Rolling Thunder. Lots of leg drops. Cena is coughing and having trouble breathing. Rob goes for the chair and lays it on Cena, going for the split leg moonsault but Cena raises his knees and hits RVD with a brutal DDT onto the chair. Close pin and the crowd sandbag it by telling Cena he cannot wrestle. The champ sticks the chair between Bret’s rope and the top rope, catapulting RVD into it. Another close pin and no cheer from crowd.
Cena hits a sit-out powerbomb and the crowd say, “Same old shit,” so he goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, salute and the crowd call him an asshole. Cena goes for the FU (remember when it was called that?) and RVD escapes, striking Cena in the face. Both men are up and punching in the corner followed by an Irish whip. RVD goes to the top rope, throws Van Dam off with a super powerbomb and the crowd tell him he still sucks. Van Dam lifts Cena over to the ropes and they botch some sort of throw. Van Dam dropkicks Cena for badness and goes to get a table. There isn’t enough room for him to get the table out easily and he awkwardly sets it up in the corner.
Cena goes for the STFU and Rob takes his damn time getting to the rope. It is laborious. Finally, his fingers reach the ropes and presumably Irish referee John Finnegan pulls at Cena. The two men squabble and Cena decks Finnegan before going to superplex RVD into the middle of the ring. Cena gets the steel steps and Tazz tells us that John is extreme. Weak stair shot and Tazz points out the silence in the crowd. A second referee comes to count the pin but RVD kicks out. Cena goes to FU RVD into the table but throws him outside instead. A trenchcoated helmet-wearing man spears Cena into the table and knocks out the new referee. Who is this man? What is his agenda? Why did-
Oh, it’s Edge. No mystery there. Why is it Edge? Feud.
RVD is up, hits the Five Star Frog Splash on Cena and goes to wake the ref but he won’t rouse from his slumber. It’s okay, though, because Jewish Santa Paul E. Dangerously comes to the ring and counts a very slow one two three to give RVD the win in 20:40.
It wasn’t a Cena match, it wasn’t an RVD match, it wasn’t even an Edge or Heyman match. It was a crowd match.
Here, boys, fuck up. I can’t hear the commentators.
Not the best match on the card, but certainly the best storytelling. It wasn’t a match between RVD and Cena, though, it was between Cena and the crowd. As Rob Van Dam celebrates, the ring is filled with a bunch of ECW guys including old favourites Kurt Angle and Big Show. To be fair, Kurt Angle was in ECW for one night but left after Sandman was crucified. Fact. The announcers do not seem surprised by the win, though, even though they’re both ECW guys. Way to sandbag it, gentlemen, it’s only the biggest point in your franchise’s history.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: Randy Orton. He was so good at being a smarmy heel. Can’t help but hate him.
Woman of the Matches: I wanted to give it to Lita considering her heelishness, but I have to give it to Beulah for taking that brutal spear from Edge. Fair play to you, love.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Beulah McGillicutty.
Best Spot: Irish whip to do-se-do to stereo Tarantula by Tajiri and Super Crazy.
Hatches: We had Jerry Lawer and Tazz as actual wrestlers as opposed to commentators, Randy Orton, Guido Mariatato, Tony Mamaluke, Yoshihiro Tajiri, Sabu, Mick Foley, Tommy Dreamer, Terry Funk, Beulah McGillicutty, Balls Mahoney, Masato Tanaka, Rob Van Dam. The only manager was Big Guido Screeching Joey Styles on commentating with Stephen DeAngelis as ring announcer.
Matches: Rob Van Dam defeated John Cena to start his first (and only) run as WWE Champion.
Closing Statements: It was a commercial success, but stank of WWE involvement, and not in a good way. They were clearly setting ECW up for its run on Sci-Fi and did not care less about whether or not it was faithful to the original ECW (which it was not). ECW was more than rabid crowds and blood, it was also superb storytelling and using these lack of rules to tell this story.
On the Card will return on June 25 with the RAW PPV Vengeance 2006.