Attitude Era #9. In Your House 13: Final Four (Feb 16, 1997) Part 1

On the Card: Attitude Era #9 In Your House 13: Final Four 1997 – February 16, 1997

In the previous entry, I looked at The Royal Rumble 1997. It was great, especially the Rumble itself, which had Stone Cold as its winner. The next PPV was In Your House 13: Final Four which boasted a main event elimination match for the vacant WWF Championship.

Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF In Your House 13: Final Four 1997

No tagline this time around and the poster shows Shawn Michaels getting bopped by Sid in the same ring as Austin is about to bop Bret. Ohhhh, this main event is going to be amazing!

There’s no Big Red screen now and it’s a Big Blue screen. Promo for Shawn Michaels, the most athletic and flambouyant champion ever. We see the four challengers: Stone Cold, Bret Hart, Undertaker and- wait? Undertaker? Vader? What the fuck is this? The poster showed Michaels and Sid. I’m confused. Tell me what this all means, Mr. Announcer man. We see Shawn looking sad, we hear that the four men are no longer role models. But no news as Western Union (The Fastest Way To Send Money Worldwide ™) presents a mountain that says, “Final Four” on it. Yet no news on where Sid and Shawn are.

I hear a sable. I know that Wildman Marvellous Marc Mero is on the way. I know that, according to our announcers, Jumping Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler, we are in the UTC Arena in Chattanooga, Tennessee with 6,399 in attendance and a reputed 175,127 buys at home. Boys behind JR and King are using cameras, like old style recyclable ones. JR eludes to the fact that Shawn isn’t going to be champ again. Ominous. Someone jostles the hard cam and Jerry points his finger menacingly at them. It was a dad point, so it must have been Brian Christopher.

Our Spanish Colleagues are Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera who look very pleased with themselves. They chat and scream in Spanish before we are introduced to the French Announcers, Ray Rougeau and Jean Brassard who do the same but with moustaches.

Big pyro in the ring as Wildman (now just “Wildman”) is sporting an angry goatee and shouts at Sable, it seems. Oh no, wait, Leif Cassidy is in the ring without an intro, that’s what it is. And the bell is about to ring, but before it does, JR points out “the beautiful Sable” who is wearing sunglasses inside at night time because she is a twat… but also because, to be fair, that pyro is pretty dangerous.

(Note: Before the PPV began there was a dark match featuring the tag team talents of Phineas I and Henry O Godwinn defeating the new Headbangers: Mosh and Thrasher. Brilliant. Real men wear skirts.)

Wildman Marvellous Marc Mero (w/ Sable) def Leif Cassidy via pin in 9:30.

The match begins as King tells us that Leif can win if he grounds Mero. JR calls Mero “an unnecessary chancer”. King slags the high-fliers off for only good for getting themselves in hospital. Some lovely wrasslin’ from Mero and he keeps throwing Leif back, who rolls out and starts jawing off to Sable. She replies with a clap. She then gives Leif a kick and apparently she’s being kicking The Undertaker on Superstars. Are you mental, Sable? Mero hits the big leg drop in the ring, attempts a pin and fails.

Leif Irish whips Mero and gives a lovely dropkick to Mero’s knee followed by another and another. He’s stopping at the knee, keeping Mero grounded. JR tells us that Leif is underrated. Too fucking rights he is. It’s Al Snow! Leif gets Mero in a leglock and Sable batters the mat but cannot get decent timing at all. The crowd cheer as Sable walks around. God, wasn’t the Attitude Era brilliant? Just a bunch of lads shouting at women. Leif is in control, holding Mero’s leg and keeping him down. He locks in the… leglace? Did you call it a leglace?

So we still don’t know about Shawn. I do, but only because I lived through this era. The PPV so far has ignored the fact that Shawn has lots his smile. Hopefully more on that later.

Mero is up, fighting back and Jerry says, “Sable thinks her future is so bright, she needs to wear sunglasses at night.” He then lets on that Sable and Mero have submitted. Very good selling from Mero here. Congratulations. Mero hits a lovely enziguri and then a three-quarter nelson pin. Cassidy works the knee some more and hits the figure four. According to JR, the figure four hits seven different parts of his anatomy. Sable heels it up and pushes the bottom rope towards the men so that Mero can grab it. Leif confronts her, she slaps him and Mero dives through the ropes to protect his mental wife. Mero is up and seemingly forgetting his knee pain. Eejit.

Mero lifts Leif up for the Samoan drop, does a wee John Travolta in Pulp Fiction fingers on eyes sign, hits a lovely shooting star press (“the Wild Thing” according to JR) and gets the win in 9:30.

2017 comments:

A really good curtain jerker that is spoiled by some shoddy selling from Mero. Where did all that time attacking his knee go?

1997 comments:

Jaysus, Mero is a superman.

Grade: B

Sable immediately runs in to join her husband and JR says that it’s a different side of her. Jerry says, “Never hit a woman with glasses… always use your fist.” Classy and it’s only 1996. Flashback to Sable smacking Leif when he confronted her and-

Oh fuck, is that the Honky Tonk Man’s music? Sheeeeit.

There he is, the bastard, old Jerry “The King” Lawler’s cousin.

On the Card will return on February 23 2017 with the second part of In Your House 13: Final Four 1997.

Attitude Era #7. In Your House 12: It’s Time (Dec 15, 1996) Part 1

In the previous entry, I looked at Survivor Series 1996. It was an amazing PPV with the debut of Mr. Dwayne Johnston. The next PPV was In Your House 12: It’s Time and the main event was Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Sycho Sid for the WWF World Heavyweight Championship.

Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF In Your House 12: It’s Time

Sharpshooter vs. Powerbomb

Oh yes, what a tagline. The poster helps, showing Bret on the left and Sid on the right, the two distinct styles of the two men. This isn’t two equals going against each other, it’s a ring technician against a powerhouse and it’s going to be great.

The Big Red WWF title screen goes straight into a polite promo for MB Karate Fighters. Vince McMahon and Jumpin’ Jim Ross with Jerry “The King” Lawler roars hello to the West Palm Beach Auditorium in West Palm Beach, Florida to very little fanfare. Yes indeed, the attendance is a measly 5,708. Our Spanish Colleagues are Hugo Savinovich, Carlos Cabrera and Arturo Rivera, who don’t seem to be mic’d up and they’re bantering but we hear naught.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a 30-minute show called Free-For-All, which was the nineties equivalent of the Preshow, full of promos and summaries of recent TV matches. There was an exclusive match on Free-For-All which was Rocky Maivia defeating Salvatore Sincere with Jim Cornette. It ended in a DQ. Before that, there was a Dark Match featuring Brakkus and Dr. X. There were also two dark matches at the end of the PPV after the cameras turned off featuring Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Goldust and Shawn Michaels vs. Mankind with Paul Bearer.)

The first match is introduced and down strolls Leif Cassidy AKA Al Snow, who is looking more like Snow each day. He has the big handlebar moustache and everything. All he needs is head.

Cut to the front and down strolls Flash Funk and his Funkettes, doing a nice little dance as he high-fives the crowd. They reach out and try to touch him but find nothing. One fan has Flash Funk’s name on a sign, written in tinsel. Vince has a wee dance with Flash but JR denies it, saying he came to call a match, not to dance. Fair play. The dance goes on for some time. The bell finally rings.

Flash Funk def. Leif Cassidy via pin in 10:34.

Both the lads are waving to the crowd though Leif is a bit of a heel here, so he is jeering at the crowd more. JR bigs up the fact that this is each competitor’s first singles match. Flash does a little dance and the two lock up, with Leif tinally tossing flash to the mat, rolling about, doing some lovely rolls until Leif is locked in an armbar by Flash. Leif copies and Flash does a lovely almost-Stunner reversal and a standing backflip before rolling into another armbar. Very mat-based just now. Funk botches a jump to the top rope, tries again and botches a lariat! Not great there, Funky. Flash funk, of course, evil twin to Terry Funk. Fact?

Flash seems to botch a head scissors but Leif seems to reverse it into a face-first powerbomb. Leif German suplexes Flash outside and then hits a springboard senton over the top rope onto Flash! Great stuff. In the ring, Leif dropkicks Flash, goes for the pin and gets a two. The crowd are chanting for Flash and he Pele Kicks Leif Cassidy right in the face. Skitter. Leif goes for the powerbomb and Funk escapes, does a dance and knocks Leif down. Leif hits a lovely spinebuster-sit-out-powerbomb-combo to Funk but gets only a two. Leif hits a Bret’s rope moonsault, but misses. Funk takes over, hitting a lovely handspring kick and Leif falls out of the ring allowing Flash to hit the suicide dive over the top rope. Funk hits the bodyslam followed by the moonsault but gets only a two. Cassidy hits the clothesline and the two men trade pin attempts for a while. Funk hits another Pele Kick and a lovely backdrop followed by another jump to the top rope. 450 splash and it’s all over in 10:34.

2016 comments:

Brilliant match from both men. Leif shocked me, I won’t be ashamed to admit. Great, great match. Well done, lads.

1996 comments:

These boys are better on their own than with others.

Grade: A

As the crowd dance and swing about, we have a promo for the 1997 Royal Rumble, which is due on January 19th, 1997.

On the Card will return on December 22 with the second part of In Your House 12: It’s Time 1996.

Attitude Era #6. Survivor Series (November 17, 1996) Part 1

In the previous entry, I looked at In Your House 11: Buried Alive 1996. It was an okay PPV with a good, creepy main event but the WWF Champion didn’t take to the mat until after the cameras started rolling. The next PPV was Survivor Series 96 and was the tenth of its name. The gimmick of Survivor Series was that it was an annual event that took place around Thanksgiving and had huge elimination-style tag team matches, usually between the heel faction and the face faction of the day.

Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF Survivor Series

Back to Attack

The tagline makes no sense and the poster has Shawn Michaels, Sid Vicious, newcomer Bret Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin’s heads floating between two buildings. Shawn is wearing the same expression he did during the poster for Mind Games back in September, so not much has changed there.

There is no Big Red WWF title screen this time around, just an announcer speaking over sped-up shots of New York to show how fast the city that never sleeps really is. Tonight, Shawn vs. Sid. Tonight, Bret vs. Stone Cold. Tonight, Undertaker vs. Mankind. And other people!

MB Karate Fighters sponsor the 1996 Survivor Series. 18,647 people are crammed into Madison Square Garden in New York. 199,000 people watching at home, a rise from an all-time low of 1995 at 128,000 buys. A taxi slides over the top of the screen as our announcing team is introduced: Vincent Kennedy McMahon, Jerry “The King” Lawler and Good Ol’ Jim “JR” Ross. There is literally no time for anything else as the first match is about to get underway!

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a 30-minute show called Free-For-All, which was the nineties equivalent of the Preshow, full of promos and summaries of recent TV matches. There was an exclusive match on Free-For-All and had little to do with the actual PPV but was full of names that would become huge over the next wee while (though not with the names they appear here with): Jesse James (AKA Road Dogg Jesse James), Aldo Montoya (AKA Rat-Faced Knacker Justin Credible), Bob Holly (AKA Hardcore Holly), Bart Gunn (AKA Bodacious Bart Gun) versus the team of The Sultan (AKA Rikishi), Justin Bradshaw (AKA Cunt JBL), Salvatore Sincere (AKA Tom Brandi) and Billy Gunn (AKA Bad-Ass Billy Gunn). They were joined by The Iron Sheiky Baby and Uncle Zebekiah (AKA Zeb Coulter).

The British Bulldog’s music hits and out comes the man himself looking like a bust sausage along with his team of Slammy-Award-Winning Owen Hart and The New Rockers Marty Janetty and Leif Cassidy (AKA Al Snow). They are accompanied by Immigration Clarence Mason, who is just waiting for someone to mess up and get sent home.

The other team turn up, Phil Lafon and Doug Furnas, who are a pair of arses. They appear with the Gosh-Darned Godwinns Henry O. (in yellow) and Phineas I. (in red) with Hillbilly Jim. There is a Karate Fighters zeppelin flying about the arena that just crashes into the stands and stays there. Oh, the humanity!

The announcers comment on the smell of the Godwinn boys and the heel team shout at the crowd for some time before the bell rings to start the match.

Survivor Series Tag Team Match: Doug Furnas, Phil Lafon, Phineas I. Godwinn and Henry O. Godwinn (w/ Hillbilly Jim) def. Owen Hart, The British Bulldog, Marty Jannetty and Leif Cassidy (w/ Clarence Mason) via elimination in 20:41.

Marty Jannetty sneaks about the ring, trying to tickle his opponents until finally Phil Lafon comes into the ring and gets Marty into a great arm lock that Jannetty gets out of by jumping off the top rope. He takes a brutal clothesline from Phil and tags out. At this point, Leif Cassidy comes in but Marty hops about outside, clearly very badly hurt, or at least selling a leg injury very well. Both Leif and Phil have some great chain-wrestling in the middle of the ring with a submission manoeuver that is cancelled by a grab to the bottom rope.

Phineas comes into the ring and spits into the air, catches it and rubs it into his hair. JR talks about the Clintons. How apt.

Leif gives Phineas an absolutely lovely body slam but the hillbilly isn’t very happy about it and responds with a body slam of his own. He goes to bounce off the ropes and Jannetty hits him in the back. Owen is tagged in and Bulldog helps him double-team Phineas. They distract the ref and take the time to beat on the Godwinn until Leif comes back in and tags in hurt-leg Marty Jannetty. The announcers reveal that Owen is ticked off at Bret returning. Marty goes to the top rope and attempts a high-risk move but is thwarted by Phineas who attempts a superplex which is equally countered. Marty then tried an elbow drop and Phineas rolls out of the way to tag in his brother Henry.

JR tells us “Business is gonna pick up!” and indeed it does. Henry beats on Marty for a while, tossing him around like a great big child. When Henry goes into the corner, Phines dives in front of him, cushioning the blow. Leif attempts the same for his teammate and gets a boot to his chest from Henry for his efforts. Henry gets Marty in position for the Slop Drop and eliminates him with a pin.

Marty Jannetty has been eliminated by Henry Godwinn in 8:12.

Owen rolls in, hits Henry with a spinning heel kick and eliminated him with a pin.

Henry Godwin has been eliminated by Owen Hart in 8:18.

The teams are equal once again. Phineas is in and he’s cleaning house, throwing everyone out. Owen tags Bulldog in who hits Phineas with a powerslam and eliminates him with a pin.

Phineas Godwinn has been eliminated by The British Bulldog in 9:04.

Sweet baby Jesus, that’s three pins in less than a minute. The teams are now 3-2 with the advantage being the heel team of Leif Cassidy, Owen Hart and The British Bulldog. Both Godwinns are out and only Doug Furnas and Phil Lafon survive. Bulldog and Furnas waste time as a replay is shown on the screen. Some lovely running of the ropes until Furnas botches a dropkick and lands awkwardly. JR sells the dropkicks and tells us Furnas was a world-class powerlifter at one time. Owen strangles Furnas and Leif hits a half-Nelson slam followed by a brutal spinebuster.

Furnas is in the corner and getting beaten on by the heel time. Hart hits Furnas with a fantastic dropkick, almost killing him. Furnas gets Owen in a small package and receives a clothesline as a receipt followed by a fisherman suplex with bridge. JR wonders why there are two referees (one on the outside and one on the in) yet there are so many double teams. Bulldog hits a lovely delayed suplex (such strength) and tags out to get Leif in. Furnas has been getting his arse handed to him for a while now. He needs to tag out of build some momentum. Hot tag to Lafon who hits Cassidy with a reverse suplex from Bret’s rope followed by a quick pin.

Leif Cassidy has been eliminated by Phil Lafon in 13:43.

What a move! What a guy! Bulldog comes in, both teams down to two. Lafon and Bulldog have a lovely back-and-forth including some lovely chops. A pin attempt and fail. Bulldog gives Phil a huge press and Owen is in, hitting Lafon with a belly-to-belly followed by a neckbreaker and elbow drop from Bret’s rope. Lafon is kicking out from every move going and Vince tells us to forget about the double clothesline Owen and Bulldog hit Lafon with. Bulldog hits Lafon between the legs like a prick. JR complains about Harvey Whippleman. Lafon tries to get a tag but Owen knocks Furnas off the apron. In the ensuing chaos, Bulldog appears and a failed double-team ends with Bulldog getting pinned!

The British Bulldog has been eliminated by Phil Lafon in 17:22.

It’s only Owen left versus the newcomers! Oh good Lord! What a time to be alive! Bulldog doesn’t take his elimination lightly and tackles Lafon’s leg, which Owen then goes for again and again. Vince suggests that we might see the Sharpshooter in a moment. Owen leg drops Lafon’s leg and gets ready for the Sharpshooter. Lafon is surviving it but Furnas jumps in to break the hold and Owen breaks it himself. Ladfon gets the reverse enziguri and Furnas is tagged in. Owen takes a lovely dropkick followed by a lovely belly-to-belly followed by a German suplex for the pin in 20:41.

Owen Hart has been eliminated by Doug Furnas. The survivors are Doug Furnas and Phil Lafon!

2016 comments:

Very good match. Very happy with it. Slow start but great end. If every match on the card attempts to be as good as that then this is going to be a great Survivor Series.

1996 comments:

I don’t know half of these lads but by Christ they can wrassle.

Grade: A+

Jerry calls them upstarts and punks, threatening that Owen and Bulldog might raise some merry hell at this. We see a bit of the replay.

Cut to outside on New York City.

On the Card will return on November 24 with the second part of Survivor Series 1996.

Attitude Era #3. SummerSlam (August 18, 1996) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Owen Hart. That is all.

Cut to the boiler room where Todd Pettengill is walking through, calling Mankind’s home “creepy” and explaining that the matchup has no rules other than that the first person who gains possession of the urn will be victorious. No chat as to where the urn is or why Mankind wants it. I know why Taker wants it – a fine urn is hard to come by and urns and coffins are the man’s bread and butter. Todd goes on to say that the boiler room is “dark… ominous… there are things in here… there are pipes…” He stumbles onto Mankind who calls him “Tom” and says that there is no place like home. He then licks the pipe because Mankind is fucking mental.

Music hits and who should come out but those damn New Rockers (Leif Cassidy AKA Al Snow and Marty Janetty). No team with “New” at the top of their name are ever good, other than the New Age Outlaws, but only because there are no Old Age Outlaws, except maybe for now. The Bodydonnas (written again as The Body Donnas) come to the ring. Boring. The Godwinns rock down (shot of Vlad the Superfan before the Godwinns appear) and Hillbilly Jim has a dawg with him. Both Godwinns have pigs. Great bunch of lads. The pigs are having a nice wee squeal to themselves. Those Damn Gunns come down with Sunny. Sunny is looking wonderful, as per usual. JR says she has confidence, and why wouldn’t she? This was a time when Sunny was queen of the castle and riding all within. Sunny refuses to give the belts to the ref. Someone in the crowd wants to marry her and good old Bodacious Bart Gunn lifts her to the ground.

WWF Tag Team Championship match: The Smoking Gunns (c) w/ Sunny def. The Bodydonnas, The New Rockers and The Godwinns w/ Hillbilly Jim via pinfall in 12:18

This match has eight people in it (ten if you count Jim and Sunny; thirteen if you count the animals) and it is still shorter than the previous match. It is also the only tag team match on the card and is for the WWF Tag Team Championship aaaaand it’s an elimination match. That’s a lot of things.

Billy Gunn and Henry Godwinn start off. The Godwinns shout, “hooo-eee!” into the air and double G start off with a bit of back and forth, great Irish whip into a hip toss. Henry goes some mental move and out he rolls. SkipZip tags in and Henry tags out. As an elimination match, each time a tag team member is eliminated, the whole team is eliminated. It makes much more sense to stay out of the ring as much as possible. The Gunns are talking as the pair in the match run the ropes. Both stop and tag in both Gunns! The Gunns are now the legal men… against each other! In any other tag match, this means one could pin the other and the Gunns would win, but as this is an elimination match, they’re fucked!

The Gunns can’t believe their eyes. Sunny shows her bum to the camera. The Godwinns jump off the apron and won’t allow themselves to be tagged. SkipZip allows himself to be tagged in and Billy is tossed around like a mad one. Leif Cassidy cracks SkipZip on the back of the head and Billy gets the pinfall to eliminate the Bodydonnas. Sunny shouts at Mr. Perfect, who just looks on as if to say, “Will you fucking not?” Perfect mentions that it’s a good strategy to allow the other teams to beat themselves up. Marty Janetty (Tag Team Champ with Shawn Michaels many moons ago) beats the head off Henry Godwinn and tags in Bad Ass Billy Gunn, who has an Owen Hart wrist. Henry hits Billy with a sidewalk slam and goes for the pin, but it’s interrupted as if everyone wants the Gunns to stay in to get a beating from the other teams. Henry hits an inverted DDT (Slop Drop) on Marty Janetty and eliminates the New Rockers with a pinfall.

It’s Gunn vs. Godwinn. Oil baron vs. cattle rustler. Sunny making perfect time on the ring apron like a metronome. Vince says, “It doesn’t matter how you win, as long as you win. It could be disqualification, countout, as long as you win,” which is bollocks because those are two ways a title can’t change hands. Elimination matches are silly. Time wasting city as Henry is beat on by those damn Gunns. Bodacious Bart beats Henry in the corner for a bit. Henry fights back with an atomic drop. The pace really slows down to accommodate these teams. Billy goes for a cross-body and Henry catches him mid-air. Phineas is dying for the hot tag. The man is covered in pig pee.

Hot tag and the teams kick the tripe out of each other. Old Phineas hits the inverted DDT (known as the Slop Drop) on Billy and goes for the pin but Sunny is distracting the ref. Bart capitalises by hitting the double axe handle nothing on Phineas, rolls Billy over for the pinfall in 12:18.

2016 comments:

This was obviously a filler match. It had one or two nice spots, but no storylines were developed and no new teams went over. We just hate them all a little more.

1996 comments:

All of these damn team members are interchangeable – other than that guy who looks like Nick Carter.

Grade: C

Hillbilly Jim is in the ring, checking on the Godwinn boys. JR tells us that the Gunns had no advantage walking into this match, but survived “by hook or crook.” Sunny gets the mic and you know shit is going down when that happens. She has little intonation; the woman just screams as loud as she can. She tells people to look at the woman next to them and calls them fat. The camera aims at a woman in the crowd. Pretty pointed. Sunny gives the place a present and a huge, must be damn near 30-foot-high picture of Sunny unrolls and hangs just off the ring. JR calls her, “a very conceited young lady,” and is disappointed by the whole thing. He also tells us that she, “missed a much-needed trip to the woodshed,” which sounds like just the type of thing the Godwinns are up to this weather.

Vince thanks the crowd and there is a promo package showing Cleveland. The narrator asks what is the “coolest way to get to Summerslam” and the Godwinns answer by saying it is… Rapid Transit, of course! Cleveland’s own transit system! The Gunns are using a horse that Sunny quips is, “almost as good looking as me!” Probably not as hung as you, Sunny, the balls on you. The horse and the transit system have a race. I swear to you, this is a promo for a fucking train. The two teams cut a promo about air conditioning. This is… what is this?

Cut to Jerry “the King” Lawler has a back and forth with some baseball players. The most exciting sport in the world vs. the most boring. Savio Vega, Sunny, Godwinns and future hand-father, Mark Henry is there to… help paint a wall. I swear to you, this is a promo about trains, baseball and paint. Bob Holly appears and gives a kid the stink-eye. Watch out, boy, Hardcore Holly ain’t nothing to fuck with. Taker and Bearer give away an entire funeral, apparently.

Back to the arena, thank Christ, and I never thought I was as happy to see The British Bulldog come to the ring like a burst sausage. Cut to Dok Hendrix with old Brock Samson himself. The Bulldog’s music is still playing loud in the background as Sycho Sid tries to cut his mental promo about being the ruler and master of the world. Sid looks two seconds away from either a heart attack or stroke. His music hits mid-promo and Sid has to shoot off to get in the match with Bulldog. Say what you want about Stabby Sid, he looks the part. Cocaine is one hell of a drug. Bulldog flexes in the ring while Sid is just talking nonsense to the crowd, blinking continuously, pointing at the lights and spouting shite. Some idiot wants Sid for Pres, which is mental because his foreign policy is bollocks and he has no political experience. Despite this, Sid is over as fuck.

Sycho Sid def. The British Bulldog via pinfall in 6:24.

Vince reminds us that you use what you have as an asset. Sid is getting the crowd all hyped up and the pair lock horns. Irish whip shows that the Bulldog, despite his sausage appearance, is not strong enough to knock over Sid and he is so upset by this that he goes to leave the damn arena. Sid gets the crowd whipped up into a “PSYCHO SID!” chant and some fat fuck wearing a “Bishoff Sucks” t-shirt sits only feet away from Goldust Kid, who is still the best audience member so far. Sid gets Bulldog into a headlock and Bulldog actually lift Sid up, who retaliates with a shite judo throw. Pin attempt into kip-up by Sid.

Bulldog does a fucking great delayed suplex on Sid. Immigration is very happy about that. Immigrants, it seems, are like Pokémon and the more Bulldog beats on Sid, the easier he will be to catch. More chinlocks followed by Sid battering the ring, which should be a count out, but doesn’t count… out. Sid is knocked to the back and we show Vader and Cornette watching the match. This shit is awful. What’s the point? I’m not watching either of them. I was, however, watching Bulldog’s trunks get eaten by his bum. Another delayed suplex and another chinlock. Sid fights back, slaps the shit out of Bulldog and some guy in the audience bows to him. All he did was slap a motherfucker.

Great powerslam from Bulldog and Cornette comes out to berate Immigration. Bulldog goes for another powerslam but Sid retaliates with a chokeslam followed by the most over powerbomb so far and Sid pins Bulldog for the win in 6:24.

2016 comments:

Oh man. Sid is so over. I mean, I know he’s a good wrestler as well, so there’s no reason why I should be annoyed about him, but can you not be more like Shawn and be over and still a fantastic wrestler? Give the crowd a show. This was a squash. A great squash, but still a squash.

1996 comments:

Take that, Bulldog, you (otherwise fantastic wrestler with whom I have a personal grudge due to misplaced aggression at your nationality (which I suppose technically makes me a racist)) cunt.

Grade: B

Both Immigration and Cornette shout on the outside and try to hug Bulldog better. Sid is fantastic, even though he’s not looking at the hard cam. Replay of the powerbomb (which actually looks a bit dangerous as Bulldog drops about a foot onto his goddamned neck).

On the Card will return on September 1st with the third part of SummerSlam 1996.