Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good old Hardys. Never miss a ladder match. Miss a lot of spots, though.

Cut backstage to Khali cutting a rambling promo on Cena in Punjabi. His translator gives his promo in English. It’s nothing to write home about.

Cut to the ring where Tony Chimel is introducing the Lumberjack Match, where twelve lads stand outside the ring and wait until someone falls out and they push them back in. [REDACTED] Benoit arrives, looking super pissed off that he is not competing. Behind him is Valentine Venis, Santino Marella, Balls Mahoney, Steven Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Thorn, Chris Masters, Johnny Nitro, Chavo Guerrero, Kenny Dykstra mit dead fox and Carlito. There is little craic from them. Stevie Richards jumps on Balls’ back.

Somebody gon’ get they ass kicked! It’s Mark Henry! He’s out, covered in butter or whatever. The announcers sell the fact that Mark Henry is the World’s Strongest Man. This is before Game of Thrones, I suppose.

Big fiery pyro and Kane rocks out, popping into the ring and squaring up to Henry after hitting the turnbuckle pyro.

Lumberjack Match: Mark Henry vs. Kane.

This is the first match of the card that allows pinfall or submission, so you know it’s going to be great. Kane and Henry circle each other and Henry tosses him out. The Lumberjacks scatter, no way are they going near the Devil’s Favourite Demon. Big slow, methodical movement as Henry is tossed out. The Lumberjacks surround him and get tossed away easily. Henry rolls back in and he and Kane beat each other in the corner. Henry rolls out and Kane goes with him. The Lumberjacks are keeping their distance as Henry tosses him into the ringpost. Henry rolls into the ring and the Lumberjacks pick up Kane and allow him to enter. Henry continues to attack Kane’s back with double axe-handle nothings and club-like punches. Kane fights back with his great big punches and Henry retaliates with a powerslam. First pinfall attempt and a fail.

Kane headbutts out man Henry and gets knocked down for his effort. Both men are really selling the fact that they are glass cannons here. Both attacks do lots of damage. The fear is not that either men are impervious, more that regardless of their defence, their attack is brutal. Kane attempts a Rock Bottom but his back is sore. Val Venis is hammering out a tune on the ring, really reacting to everything in the ring. Cunt JBL gives off because he doesn’t like fun. Big rest hold city mid-ring as Mark hugs Kane. Kane falls to the floor and pulls Henry out. Kane goes top-rope, jumps and hits a bowling ball spot as the lads go sprawling everywhere. Chavo and Kenny help Kane back into the ring and two monsters punch each other for a while. Miz and Stevie Richards shout at each other as Kane goes to the top rope again, knocking Mark down, hitting a lovely chokeslam but two lumberjacks jump in before the pin can be applied.

Kane one-hand-chokeslams Kenny and Mark gives Kane another bear hug. Kane is hurt, he’s passing out. The ref is imploring him to quit, but he’s not giving up. The ref stops the match.

The match has finished due to ref stoppage. Mark Henry is the default winner in 9:07.

2017 comments:

Meh. It’s a nice way to get both men over as powerful without it being a stalemate but to end with a bearhug? I mean, come on, guys.

2007 comments:

Do you think that Kane and Henry are considered… bears?

Grade: C.

Not a good bunch of matches so far, if I’m honest. Replays of the match.

Cut to Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin who are complaining about the loss of the match. Shelton and Jeff square off. Punches are thrown. People break it up. It’s a real to-do, I tell you what.

Cut to Bobbo Lasher and McMahon Street Fight promo. Back in Wrasslemania, Vince got his head shaved by Cunt President Donald Trump and Stone Cold. Vince blamed Bobbo and took his ECW championship, which was bound to hurt him badly. Bobby beat a handicap match but Vince refused to give his championship up and so another rematch was called. Vince didn’t actually want one, but Shane protected his father’s ego by accepting. Makes little sense… unless Shane is trying to screw over Vince… again.

Justin Roberts introduces the Street Fight and its lack of disqualifications… which all matches so far have had. AND THEN GOD DAMMIT WWE YOU BRING OUT THE CHAMP FIRST AGAIN.

Vince rocks out with Shane and Umaga. Sure why not? It is his birthday. It is not his birthday. They’re talking about it being a three-on-one handicap match and Umaga being the “Samoan Bulldozer”. I’ve no real fear of that because Umaga has lost his winning streak. He’s pathetic now.

Bobby’s music hits and there is a decent pop for Roidy Lasher. He hits his pyro, covers himself in golden sparks and walks to the ring, hitting hit massive jump and more turnbuckle pyro.

Street Fight for the ECW World Championship: Vince McMahon (c) (with Umaga and Shane McMahon) vs. Bobby Lashley.

Shane and Vince in the ring, Bobby runs to the ropes, does a suicide dive, botches by holding onto the rope and barely grazes Umaha, who sells like death. Shane is hammering on Bobby, who knocks him down and tosses him out onto Umaga. Bobby and Vince are alone and the crowd goes wild as he rains punches on Vince. Shane rocks in, is tossed out, Umaga comes in and takes over for a second, but is thrown into a corner. Shane comes in with a chair, Lashley gets rid of him, tosses the chair and is about to hit Vince with a Dominator when Shane and Umaga take over, hitting Lasher with a DDT on the chair.

It’s three on one now and the first few minutes are forgotten as the pace slows, the men beat up Bobbo and he attempts to build up some babyface fire. Double team Irish whip into Vince, who kicks him in the balls. The announcers make it clear that something might happen on the table by moving back and saying, “uh oh!” Vince takes… a hammer? Something from a dude by the side of the ring. It’s a bell hammer, apparently. He doesn’t hit Lasher with it, just chokes him with it. Vince then chokes Lasher with a wire. We are halfway through the match here, not one pin attempt, neither announcer is making that a big deal. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop and a pin attempt is finally made but fails.

Vince hits a sad, sad spear on Lasher but gets nothing from the pinfall. Why he doesn’t get Umaga and Shane to hold Bobbo down during a pin is beyond me. Crowd is dead. Bobbo is held down by the McMahons and Umaga goes for the splash. Bobbo, at the last second, does a sit-up, Vince gets squashed and it’s time to go home. Both Shane and Umaga are tossed out. Bobbo gets the chair, cracks Vince with it and hammers on his back for a while. The announcers say that this is legal and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Bobbo hits the Dominator, goes for the three but Umaga drags him out before he can get the pin.

Outside, Bobbo gets a chair after beating Umaga, but is knocked down. Umaga jumps to the floor from the apron and the announcer’s table is finally destroyed. Lashley is draped over the table, Shane goes to the corner and hits a lovely elbow that elicts, “Holy shit!” chants from the crowd. Bobby is thrown into the ring and a pin attempt is made and failed. Umaga rocks in to beat on Lasher in the corner. He rears back to hit the Rikishi arse-bump in the corner and Shane takes over with a trashcan, hoping to hit a Coast-to-Coast. No selling there from the younger McMahon. Bobby rolls out of the way at the last second, Umaga gets hit with the trashcan and Bobby gets his revenge with a spear once to Shane and then to Vince for the pin.

Bobby Lashley has pinned Vince McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 12:23.

2017 comments:

A nice wee revenge match for the Lasher. Not amazing, but plays to the strengths of each other competitors and makes Lasher look really strong.

2007 comments:

I never get sick of seeing the McMahons lose.

Grade: B.

Lashley spears Vince again in the middle of his music. Replays shown and Bobbo goes to the back with his belt.

Cut to Maria and Santino chatting in Italian. They get interrupted by Todd who reminds Maria that Candice Michelle and Melina are having a pudding match. Maria spouts gibberish for a while. She doesn’t answer the question. Candice Michelle turns up and hits her three lines. She asks for a kiss for good luck and Maria gives her one. Santino says he loves America and Ron Simmons says, “Damn”. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Cut to the “pudding”, which seems to be filmed from a hoody.

Candice Michelle comes out and some very embarrassed fans hold up some very sad signs.

Melina’s music hits and out she comes. Both women are in bikinis. Melina even has goggles. JR tries to shill the next PPV. Both women stand awkwardly. This is going to be a long segment.

Pudding Match: Candice Michelle vs. Melina.

Of course, this match is not for the Women’s Championship, which makes it a waste of goddamn time even more than it was before I knew the title wasn’t on the line. Candice puts one foot in the pudding, grabs Melina and tosses her in. The women rock in the pudding for a while, slide out and get told to get back in. Candice slips. Sexy pin on the outside. JR and Jerry wonder about the rules of the pudding match. Double axe-handle nothing. The guys are finding it hard to realise who is who. The crowd chant for, “Boring.” There’s a DDT into the pudding. Jerry puts the sexiness of the women over. Candice drowns Melina and she taps out, well, slaps the pudding.

Melina has tapped out or suffered drowning in the pudding. Candice Michelle wins in 2:55.

2017 comments:

I would normally complain about this because women’s wrestling etc. but this match doesn’t pretend to be anything more than nonsense, so, in way, it’s the most successful match on the card.

2007 comments:

I wonder is it pudding.

Grade: Nooooope.

Maria turns up. Let’s see what happens.

She congratulates Candice on her win, Melina tosses pudding and Maria dives in. Then the ref is dragged in. Melina escapes and someone’s music plays as the faces hug.

On the Card will return on June 17 2017 with the third and final part of One Night Stand 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #18. Judgment Day (May 20, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: CM Punk and Elijah Burke show everyone else up.

Backstage, it’s Kirstal interviewing the Rated-R Superstar, Edge. He taunts Kristal, lists off his achievements, slags our boy Batista and leaves Kristal with a foul look upon her mug.

Cut to the ring and Randy Orton arrives with his brilliant music, lack of golden shower on the ramp and the crowd – despite it being his hometown – couldn’t give a damn. He hits his legend killer pose mid-ring and gets no golden showers. Big boos. He speaks to the announcers and it is revealed that the winner, by forfeit is-

OH SNAP SHAWN MICHAELS MUSIC HITS.

Down he comes to the ring after some time. He’s stumbling. He looks in a bad way. Jaysus, Shawn, have you been on those funny pills again? He’s just a woozy boy, wooooozy boooooy. The ref is telling Shawn that he doesn’t have to do it! But he’s doing it. The bell rings.

Singles Match: Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels.

Randy hits Shawn right in the head. First second, first shot, knocks the sexy boy on his arse. Randy hits the hanging DDT. JR really sells it. “For the love of God!”

Randy attempts a pin attempt and fails. Randy kicks Shawn in the old head a handful of times. Orton lifts Michaels for the RKO, but HBK can’t stand on his own and topples. He lifts Shawn up onto the turnbuckle, attempts to super-RKO him, pushes Randy to the floor, goes for the elbow and hits it. Shawn is still wobbly, though. How Randy is able to not just kick the shite from this boy is beyond me. Shawn stomps his feet. The crowd count along as he tunes up the band but topples before Orton can take the shot. Randy looks over him, confused and saddened by the legend’s condition. The ref ends the match.

The match had to be cancelled due to referee stoppage. Randy Orton wins the match by default in 4:32.

2017 comments:

I see the point in a storyline match like this. It makes Shawn look amazing and Randy look like a real piece of shit. But at least put on a show of some sort, like have Shawn maybe fight for a bit, gather himself and take an unlucky spill before failing the Sweet Chin Music. Otherwise it just looks sloppy and sad.

2007 comments:

No Kayfabe, Shawn is really hurt. Legit.

Grade: Not a match.

Big boos from the crowd. A little cheer when Orton is told he is the winner. His music pops for a second, Orton looks over his opponent. The crowd bays for an RKO and when Michaels gets to his feet, he gives him one. Rebecca, Shawn Michael’s wife, slides into the ring to cradle her husband’s head. JR calls Orton a bastard. Probably the highlight of the match, if I’m being honest. Crowd cheer for HBK and Rebecca chews the scenery with her caterwauling. Orton has become Conan. He now hears the lamentations of his enemy’s women. HBK is popped onto a stretcher and no one believes that he is truly hurt, obviously. Waste of airtime.

Replay of Shawn getting hit by Orton earlier in the night followed by all the head shots in the match and Michael’s eventual collapse after attempting the Sweet Chin Music.

Backstage, it’s Khali. No one gives a fuck. His interpreter asks a question and Khali answers. The crowd asks, “What?” constantly. The interpreter translates Khali’s gibberish. That’s disrespectful of me, I suppose, he could be speaking Punjabi.

Hardy’s music hits and out the two headcases come, dancing like the fucking Bushwhackers.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch rock out with their generic country music playing. JBL jabbers on for a while, the big idiot.

World Tag Team Championship Match: The Hardy Boys (c) vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

Why are the champions out first? For real, guys, c’mon.

Fat Matt starts off versus Lance Cade. Lovely tie-up in the corner and hip toss followed by both men slapping hands mid-ring. JBL talks about himself, saying that the APA were equal to the Hardys. Noooooooope.

Cade has Matt in an armlock and it is reversed pretty quickly. Cade tosses Matt, lovely Irish Whip combo and Murdoch rocks in with his big old sideburns. He does little and is tagged out. Cade takes a forearm to the head, Jeff rocks in and almost instantly botches a kick. Murdoch is in and Jeff claps to get the crowd going. Lock-up mid ring and a lovely wristlock combination before Murdoch hits back with a hip toss. Hand slap mid-ring and a wee headlock to Irish whip to hip toss. In comes Fat Matt and a Poetry in Motion. Matt works on the left arm of Murdoch for a bit, bopping Murdoch on the back of the neck with a lovely Bret’s rope elbow. Cade is tagged in sneakily and gives Matt a punch to the face.

JBL talks about himself some more, saying Cade reminds him of a young Bradshaw. No. Cade already looks like less of a cunt and is certainly in better shape than JBL ever was. Murdoch rocks in and attempts a turnbuckle splash but Matt reverses. JBL is pissed, “Just when I start putting him over…”

Jeff rocks in and cleans the house, attempts a pin and fails because he hasn’t hit his Swanton yet. Lovely twisting moonsault in the corner and Matt pops in, sending the challengers out. They both consider leaving and the Ref starts a ten count. It gets to seven and Murdoch pops back in, starts making demands to the Hardys. JBL talks about the APA some more. Jeff attempts a flip over the top rope, Murdoch side-steps it and rolls Jeff back in for the pin. Cade is in and beats on Jeff for a while. It’s building up to the hot tag and it’s Jeff’s turn to be a punching bag. Lovely double-team atomic leg drop from the challengers. Jeff escapes a headlock but gets a kick to the face for his effort.

Lovely Irish Whip double team. Pin attempt. Cade tags in Murdoch. Murdoch hits a lovely sunset flip and Matt jumps in to break the pin. Jeff hits the jawbreaker and Matt is building to the hot tag but Murdoch gets there first. Matt is in, though, and he’s leaning house, hitting a bulldog-clothesline on both challengers. Side Effect and pin attempt. Matt tosses Murdoch out but Cade hits a sit-out spinebuster. Matt escapes the pin and fights back with a lovely Twist of Fate. Jeff is tagged in, hits the Swanton, gets the pin.

Jeff Hardy has pinned Lance Cade. The Hardy Boys retain the World Tag Team Championship in 15:02.

2017 comments:

Very good match. Paint-by-numbers match, but a good one. Hardys are damned fine entertainers and Cade and Murdoch are pretty steady.

2007 comments:

No ladders.

Grade: B.

Jeff holds out his hand to the challengers and Matt does the same. Hands are shaken. No faces, no heels, just good wrasslin’. I love that. Some lovely replays where JBL talks about himself.

Back to JR who reminds us that there was a Shawn Michaels match earlier. He’s on his way to the hospital.

The announcer tells us to watch the ‘Tron where the following video is courtesy of Edge. We see him winning the Money in the Bank from Mr. Kennedy. We see him cash it in on The Undertaker. We see him win the World Heavyweight Championship. Then there’s a montage of his best moments. Batista comes out in a suit, does the Cunt Trump handshake and there’s lots of shots of Edge and Batista kicking arse.

Christ a-mighty. Once again, Edge comes out first. He’s the fucking champion! They should never come out first! It’s 2007, boys, c’mon. Big pyro for the Rated-R Superstar but it like ashes in my mouth. Never should the champ walk out first. It doesn’t matter how big a pop the challenger gets. For shame.

JBL cunts it up on commentary. Cole fights back.

There’s enough time passing before our boy Batista comes out to a murderous pop. He runs to one side, he runs to t’other, he jogs on the spot, spins and hits his pyro. Edge dives out of the ring as Batista enters, slaps his chest and flexes for the crowd. He makes sure that he hits all four corners, Austin-style, but with a bit more showboating than Stone Cold ever had.

Edge has a bit of a bruise on his right collarbone. The ref tells the wrestlers the rules. Batista snatches for the belt. Edge holds it close.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Batista has a wee cough as he chases Edge about the ring. Batista has a bandaged leg and JBL bigs it up. Neither men has an advantage just now. They lock up and Batista easily lifts Edge onto the corner turnbuckle. Fear lives in his eyes. Terror. Surprise. Yet he dives towards Batista and is knocked down. Batista batters Edge’s head off three of the corners, beats on him, Irish whips and knocks him down with a high elbow. Edge fights back and is tossed to the outside.

Batista slowly, laboriously leaves the ring, lifts Edge up and tosses him into the steel steps, knee first. Edge rolls in and out to break up the ten count. No idea why. Keep Batista outside. Make him lose by countout. C’mon. It’s not rocket science. Batista goes to his knees, gets a shoulder into the corner by Edge, time is really slowing down for these men. Batista’s limitations are showing here. Cole wonders what fans around the world think about Edge’s antics. Cunt JBL shills himself some more.

Overly vocal ref asks for Batista to give up and tap out during a bad armlock. Both men are super sweaty just now. Batista fights out of the lock and the Animal has Edge in the corner, setting him up for a superplex. Batista falls backwards like a big child and Edge goes for an axe handle nothing that ends in a clothesline. Both men bore the crowd by exchanging punches. Big back body drop from Batista and he follows it up with a lovely sidewalk slam. Edge escapes a body slow and there is a pin attempt… for a body slam reversal. Good god. Why ware these guys so tired? Edge goes for the spear but Batista hits the spear instead. Pin attempt and fail.

Edge escapes an Irish whip but gets a Dominator for his effort. He goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge escapes and gives Edge a spinebuster but wins via roll-up.

Edge has pinned Batista to retain the World Heavyweight Championship in 10:37.

2017 comments:

Real let down. No memorable spots, both men were gassed seconds in.

2007 comments:

Is that it over?

Grade: C.

Not a good match from either men. I expect better.

Ad for Ozzy, who sings the theme song.

Tony Chimel fucks up his intro by saying, “The following is, uh, a… match. Two out of three falls.” He explains the rules, even though it’s a two-out-of-three falls match. It’s very obvious what the rules are.

My boy MVP appears from his inflatable house, hitting big pyro and rocking to the ring like an absolute thug. Cunt JBL says that MVP has joined, “this Federation… Federation brand. I’m still getting over that Divas section.”

There was no Divas section on the DVD I watched. According to other blogs, however, there was a bit with Kristal asking the Divas to choose a winner between Khali and Cena. I’m sorry I missed it.

Out comes the Rabid Wolverine, [REDACTED] Benoit, who is, at this point, only a month and two days away from being a murderer. He looks huge and scary because he is huge and scary.

Two-out-of-three falls match for the WWE United States Championship: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) vs. MVP.

Good. The champ comes out last. This is nice.

Lovely long lock-up that ends with both men rolling out, staring at each other, rolling in and sharing some slaps. Lovely arm drags and hip tosses from Benoit. He tries to lock on the crossface and MVP gets to the ropes. Crowd are dead. It’s a shame because this match is far superior, already, the Edge/Batista match, but it’s the piss-break match before the main event, so the crowd can’t be bothered. The announcers big up MVP and fair play because he’s actually fantastic. Benoit gets a lovely arm lock on MVP and he gets to the ropes to break the hold. Great chest shops and Benoit goes flying. MVP works Benoit’s knee and we’re constantly told that it is sore.

Sadly, JBL calls Benoit a “hall of fame guy”. That is not so and it breaks my heart. MVP beats on Benoit in the corner and he fights back with some swift chops before hitting the triple Germans. The last one is a bit dodgy and MVP pops to his feet. Benoit hits the crossface but MVP gets to the ropes just in time. Very good. MVP boots Benoit for that. Ohhhh, he’s ticked. Benoit dodges a kick and Benoit attempts the Sharpshooter. MVP breaks the hold with the rope again. Benoit hits an enziguri and Little Naitch gives off to MVP. Benoit goes for the Electric Chair but MVP counters it to a Playmaker and gets the pin.

MVP has pinned Benoit to gain one pinfall. The score is currently:

MVP… 1

Benoit… 0

The crowd boo. They’re not happy at all. Replay of the Playmaker as the men take the “traditional 60 second rest period between falls.” I don’t think that it’s a tradition. I rarely see it happen.

Benoit hits hard on MVP, breathing like a maniac and looking like a sweaty man. Little Naitch gives off to MVP for not getting into the goddamn ring. Pin attempt and Benoit survives. MVP attacks Benoit’s face, sets him up in a tree of woe and kicks him in the injured knee that the announcers won’t shut the fuck up about. MVP works the knee some more because why not. Crowd are chanting, “This is boring!” and, thankfully, the announcers don’t check it. Chops from Benoit that Cunt JBL likens to being shot.

Submission move on Benoit as his injured knee is hooked around MVP’s head. Benoit rocks over to the bottom rope, breaks the hold and MVP batters him with knees to the head. Another attempt at a Playmaker but he reverses it into a crossface. MVP escapes! He getst to his feet, he rolls Benoit up and the Wolverine escapes. Another roll-up and the win.

MVP has pinned Benoit to gain one pinfall. The score is currently:

MVP… 2

Benoit… 0

MVP has defeated Benoit two out of three falls to win WWE United States Championship in 12:46.

2017 comments:

Strong start, got slow, got boring.

2007 comments:

I expect better.

Grade: C.

It started off as an A-grade match and finished no better than the match previous. Damn shame. Benoit is sitting by the side of the ring. Poor guy. Masterful acting though.

Cut to JR and King as they shill One Night Stand, which was originally an ECW PPV and is not tri-branded. They talk about the upcoming match – Cena against Khali.

Cut to a promo where someone is talking out the biggest stars – HBK, Orton, Edge. That man is… Khali. It’s a nice gimmick, if we just cut to the damage caused by a mystery assailant but never actually saw the attack. If this went on for weeks, that’s brilliant. Who is it? Who is attacking? The promo puts over Michaels being hurt by Khali. They put over our Lord and Saviour, Jesus (who is the Christ), even though Khali is Hindi. Khali steals Cena’s WWE Championship belt and Cena gets beat up trying to steal it back.

Some stats on screen: Cena is 6’1”, Khali is 7’3”, reputedly, with over a foot’s height difference betwixt them. Cena weights 248lbs, Khali 420lbs, blazing it with almost 172lbs difference, which is one of me. Cena’s reach is 32inches and Khali’s is 41inches. Cena has size 13 shoes, Khali has the made-up-sounding 18EEEE. That’s four E’s! Cena’s moves tell us to fuck up – FU and STFU – whereas Khali’s are just normal moves with the word Giant before them – Giant Chop and Giant Chokeslam. However, there is one vital difference between them: Khali is a filthy foreigner who don’t speak no ‘Murican as he is from Punjab in India, with Osama and all them terr’rists. John Felix Anthony Cena? He’s from West Newbury, Massachusetts. You know who else was from Massachusetts? Freedom.

Fuck sake. Once again, the Fed send out their champ first. This is disgusting. It’s like a snuff film. It should be illegal. The crowd go bananas for our man Cena. What a guy. He’s brushing your mouth like Colgate.

Big wait for Khali. Why? He’s the drizzling shits. Big boos, big X-Pac heat for this man when he comes out. JR tells us not to adjust our sets as he walks out. Very nice touch, there, JR. He reminds us that Khali has never been pinned or made to submit. Why are there so many undefeated streaks happening at once?

Crowd boo Khali. Crowd cheer Cena. Let’s go Cena.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.

This is going to be an awful match. Cena is looking up at Khali, who lifts his hands and roars. Cena sells the clothesline like he’s done dead. Brilliant. Khali punches Cena and he rolls out of the ring. Khali lifts Cena up, tosses him into the steel ring steps and rolls him back into the ring. Pin attempt with big boot on Cena’s chest. Kick out and a body slam for his effort. Big leg drop and a cover that is broken by a foot on the rope.

Irish whip and Cena bounces off the floor like the poor son of a bitch that he is. Cena hits a sunset flip cutter and Khali fails to sell. Cena is building up a big old head of steam but Khali roundhouse kicks him on his arse. Cena and Khali roll to the outside where Khali batters the champ’s head off the announcer’s table.

Rest hold. Klingon Nerve Grip City.

Cena fights out and hits the shoulder barges. Khali is caught in an Andre arm-guillotine on the ropes. He escapes and knocks Cena down to a big boo. Cena is up to his feet and catches Khali’s big chop. Both men roll out again and Cena dropkicks the ringsteps, throwing them into Khali’s knee. Both men are back in the ring. Cena goes top rope, leg drops the back of Khali’s neck, latches on the STFU but he refuses to tap out… until he does.

John Cena has defeated The Great Khali by submission to retain WWE Championship in 8:15.

2017 comments:

Guff.

2007 comments:

Guff.

Grade: C.

Not a good match, but we expect nothing better from Khali.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Khali should have broken the hold with his legs underneath the ropes, but the ref didn’t because Khali is so big that his legs are always beneath the ropes.

Replay of Cena getting his arse kicked. The Judgement Day graphic at the bottom left of the screen is too high off the bottom. Don’t know if it’s been like that all night or not. Cena shouts offscreen and the PPV is done.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Once again, no outstanding matches here. I’m going to give it to both CM Punk and Elijah Burke for their great match, clearly the best of the card.

Woman of the Matches: No one.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk and Elijah Burke.

Best Spot: No real spots here either but the reversalfest in the Punk/Burke match was nice.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley wins back his ECW World Championship… but is denied it and so Vince McMahon retains; The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; Montel Vontavious Porter wins the WWE United States Championship for the first time and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit, Dave Taylor, Shawn Michaels and William Regal.

Closing Statements: A real let down in the second half though there were two fantastic matches on the card.

On the Card will return on June 3 2017 with One Night Stand 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #17. Backlash (April 29, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Brilliant women’s match. Fair play to the pair of them.

Backstage, another lovely-but-dopey woman (Maria) is introducing Edge. He makes fun of her chipper attitude. Edge is happy that he is the least-tired of the four competitors tonight. He mimes it. It’s great. Maria pulls paper from between her tits. Upon it is the immortal question: How did Edge win his first WWE title? He tells her that everyone knows the answer. He became Mr. Money in the Bank. He had John Cena beaten. Edge cashed in, speared Cena and won. Edge wonders aloud who would ask such a question. Maria points behind Edge. It’s Miiisssstaaaaaaaaah Kennnnneedy. Kennedy. He repeats what Edge says back to him and pats his briefcase. Thinly veiled threat there.

Back in the arena, it’s motherfucking Montel Vontavious Porter! Big fan now. I hated him but then I liked him again. It’s the WWE US Championship match and for the first time this night, the champ is entering last. About damn time.

[REDACTED] Benoit rocks out. Big pop for him, but very little charisma from the man himself. Roidy Magoo barrel-chest on him.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter.

MVP has had nothing but good matches this past while and Benoit is Benoit. Interesting to note that all matches this evening are title matches, but that isn’t advertised by any of the announcers. You’d think they’d love to point that out.

Cunt JBL says, “You’d better call the Atlanta PD… because these two men are going to steal the show.” Great line, but both men do little in the opening minutes to show that. They grapple, push each other around, flirt with tests of strength and finally some quick takedowns before a drop-toe-hold moves into Crippler Crossface. Announcers reference that MVP walked away from a match with Benoit earlier that month. Lots of rest holds, sadly, and both men can do better. Lovely flip into a pin and Benoit hits the bridge before getting a backdrop. Benoit gets MVP into the sharpshooter and drags himself to the corner before Benoit finally releases him. Benoit hits the turnbuckle chest first and MVP floor him with a kick to the back of the head. More rest holds. Very boring match from these two men.

During this long, long, long rest hold, Cole mentions Benoit’s surgically repaired neck. MVP misses the big boot but hits a lovely overhead suplex and MVP gives off that the ref didn’t count quickly enough. More rest holds and this is getting very, very old. MVP batters Benoit down when he gets to his feet and the Canuck fights back with chops to the chest before ducking a punch and getting tin triple German suplexes. He runs the thumb over his throat and goes to jump… but is caught by MVP. MVP gets the feet on the rope during a pin. Two pins and MVP still can’t score a win. Lovely neckbreaker but still no pin. MVP sets up the suplex but Benoit retaliates and gets the crossface. MVP gets to the ropes and boots back on our boy Benoit. Lovely snapmare and another rest hold. Benoit is bleeding from his mouth.

MVP cheekily gets some leverage on the ropes and the ref sees him. Still in control, MVP attempts another pin after a big boot. Benoit ducks the boot and hits the quintuple Germans, heads to the top rope and dopey MVP is in the wrong position to get his knees up so has to move quickly so that Benoit can miss. MVP gets Benoit in a one-legged Boston Crab and the crowd are on their feet. Benoit gets the rope. MVP hits a lovely delayed vertical suplex but Benoit kicks out, attempts the corssface, is countered and Benoit gets the roll-up for the win.

[REDACTED] Benoit has pinned MVP to retain the United States title in 9:02.

2017 comments:

Good match, but not the best from these two men.

2007 comments:

Big Botchy Magoo there at the end.

Grade: B.

Sadly, JBL calls Benoit a Hall-of-Famer. Ouch.

Backstage, Todd chats to Jaaaaaahn Cena! But then Randy Orton appears. Both men are due to be in the ring later on this evening for their millionth or so match. Orton says that he and Cena have a lot of similarities: they are young, handsome and talented. HBK and Edge are not. How about they gang up on the old-timers and then see who the real men are. John asks if Orton really thinks Cena is handsome and if he wants to “get together” and “take it lying down”. Cena says it’s not his thing. Randy replies with, “You’ll be in the ring, tonight, with me on top!” Then Ron Simmons appears and says “Damn.”

Back in the arena, Tazz and Joey chat as a weird cover of Green Day’s “Longview” plays. Promo for the lead-up to the next match. Bobby Lashley beat Umaga and Cunt President, Bobbo Lasher and Stone Cold shaved his head. Shane decides to beat the Lasher and apparently it is a close match until the heels arrive and beat on Lashley, hitting him with big old chair shots. Vince makes the match: Vince and Shane and Umaga versus Bobby Lashley for the ECW World Championship.

Here comes the money! Old Shane O-Mac comes out, happy as Larry. What a guy.

Umaga comes out next without Armando Alejandro Estrada, who was thrown to the floor on ECW the past week. Umaga hits the steel ring steps before walking up them. Good man.

No Chance! Old Do-Ragged Vince comes out. A crowd member asks Vince to take off the hat. Another asks, “Got hair?” Vince seems to be wearing black jeans. Both McMahons use the “break” motion.

Big silence before Bobbo Lasher’s music hit. He gets a substantial pop, but this might be piped in. Farty pyro goes off, spraying Bobby in golden sparks. He does his Brock jump and the ring pyro hits. Lovely image of all three of Team McMahon against Team Bobbo. Vince and Umaga actually leave the ring to stand by the side! Fair play.

ECW World Championship match: Bobby Lashely (c) vs. Umaga, Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon.

Bobby instantly lifts up Shane, slams him down and batters him in the corner. Shane is ragdolling and pantomiming. Bobby has a wee chat with him, Irish whips him and hits the spinebuster before throwing him out. Vince threatens to come in and when Shane rocks into the ring, he tags in Umaga. Boos from the crowd. Umaga is thrown into the corner and battered by our boy Bobbo. Umaga batters on Bobby and the announcers tell us that Umaga only has two blemishes on his record – both caused by Bobby, once at WrassleMania and another in Italy. Bobby throws Umaga out, tosses Shane over the rope and leaves only Vince on the apron. Slowly, Vince attempts to go in, but gives just enough time for Umaga to be thrown off the apron and Shane to have a lovely delayed suplex. Umaga rocks in and Bobby hits a drop-toe-hold, dropping Umaga into Shane. Bobby runs the ropes and Shane pulls the top one down, throwing Lashley outside.

Umaga throws Bobby into the ring steps. Umaga hits the big leg drop and rakes Bobby’s back loads. Shane is tagged in and lays the boots onto Bobby before hitting the armbar. Lovely armbar-headscissors. Bobby powers through and tries to lift Shane up but falls back down. Lasher finally lifts Shane up, slams him down and attempts the pin but it is broken by Umaga. Umaga tags in and gives a big headbutt to Lasher. Lashley fights back after a looooong rest hold and he gets a knee to the back from Shane and a Samoan Drop from Umaga. Shane is once again tagged in – Vince hasn’t been in yet. Shane goes back to the elbows and knees to a prone Bobby before hitting what appears to be a Camel Clutch, break back, make humble.

Shane fights back from Bobby’s attempt to escape by dropping the old arse on him and hitting the Camel Clutch again. Bobby fights back again and Bobby rams him into the turnbuckle before hitting a T-bone suplex followed by clotheslines and shoulder barges and a back-body drop. He gives Shane the torture rack backbreaker and goes for the pin. As Umaga pops in, Lasher hits the spear and the Dominator before Vince comes in to break the pin. The crowd pop as the two men square off in the middle of the ring. Bobby lifts Vince for the Dominator but Shane grabs his leg and Umaga throws him down. The ref shouts at the illegal men and Shane hits Bobby with the ECW belt. Vince goes to pin Bobby and only gets a two! Bobby does the roll-up and Shane jumps in to break the pin! Umaga is tagged in, hits the flying headbutt and Vince tags in for another pin. Bobby kicks out and Vince, furious, tags Umaga in. A second splash and once again, Vince pops in, gets the pin and wins this time.

Mr. McMahon has pinned Bobby Lashley to win the ECW World Championship in 15:45.

2017 comments:

A better match at half the time. Otherwise, a great big “fuck you” to ECW fans.

2007 comments:

Jesus, that went on forever.

Grade: C.

A real shame. Vince can’t seem to tag people in either. Umaga, Vince and Shane all shake hands. Shane attempts to hug Umaga and gets pushed back. Announcers feign shock. The real shock is how this match was so damned long. Who booked this and thought that a fifteen minute match would be a good idea? There were no spots here, there were no exciting parts, no big pops. The whole thing was just a giant, “fuck away off with your ECW” to everyone.

On the Card will return on May 13 2017 with the third and final part of Backlash 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good opener and shit Khali match.

Cut to a promo for all the divas. It says that they are talented. Stop lying, girls, we have not a talented one of ye on the roster. C’mon now.

Backstage, we see Cryme Tyme with a newly-shaved Eugene. He looks great with the head shaved but he’s still making his faces. Are Cryme Tyme actually his friends or are they going to rob him? They say he still looks like a player and shout to get it popping as Extreme Expose appear and do a dance. Eugene looks uncomfortable and then goes bananas when Mae Young and Moolah turn up. He dances with them. People look disgusted. Then Slick appears! Yes, that old stereotype himself. He actually calls it “WrassleMania”. He dances. Everyone cheers.

FUCK IT DUSTY RHODES IS HERE. HE DANCES TOO.

Then Slaughter and Jimmy Hart and IRS and others appear.

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat stops the dancing to shout. But then they dance.

Ron Simmons appears and says his catchphrase.

In the arena, we have the Detroit Tigers, who are a sports team of some sort. No time to care, because it’s time for match number three! Montel Vontavious Porter appears with cheerleaders. It’s great because he’s a primadonna. He’s challenging [REDACTED] Benoit for the US Championship.

No time to watch MVP! Benoit himself comes out. No fucking time to pause. He doesn’t pose, he just walks on down to the ring with his big roid belly on him, sliding into the ring, holding his belt up and gets ready to straight up destroy this heelish prettyboy.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Montel Vontavious Porter via pin in 9:15.

The two circle each other for a bit before they lock up. MVP getting a headlock and Benoit reverses it into a head scissors, rolling through to an ankle lock and another headlock. MVP runs the ropes, attempts a German but MVP counters. Benoit is back in, face to face with MVP, attempts to lock in the crossface and MVP escapes. Benoit is bust around his mouth. MVP escapes another crossface attempt. An attempted lock-up and MVP tosses him into the corner, gets an elbow and Benoit lifts him onto the turnbuckle. Superplex attempt and Benoit gets his arm bust from a guillotine. MVP works the arm, goes for a pin and gets a two.

MVP works away on Benoit in the corner. Both announcers are really putting over both men. Cunt JBL says that Benoit belongs in the Hall of Fame. Yeah. Some chance. Benoit hits his Germans, goes top rope and MVP jumps up, hits a lovely superplex but Benoit curls to roll up MVP, almost getting the sneaky pin. MVP is furious. He’s up and battering on Benoit, tossing him into the corner and doing a wee roll-up. MVP hits the backdrop and MVP attempts two covers and goes for the armlock. Benoit fights to his feet, punching MVP, runs the ropes, gets a superkick to the face and kicks out of the pin. MVP is in control, goes for a bodyslam and Benoit goes for the crossface but has difficulty locking it in. MVP attempts some sort of armlock bodyslam but can’t get it and hits a normal bodyslam followed by an elbow drop with theatrics. Pin attempt and kickout.

The Crippler is picked up and Benoit dodges the big boot, hits double Germans. MVP reverses the third but Benoit escapes, runs the ropes and hits the triple Germans. He goes to the top rope, hits a lovely flying headbutt and gets the pin in 9:15.

2017 comments:

MVP once again shows that he can actually play with the big dogs when he wants to. Standard Benoit match, both men called it in, which amounts to an above average match rather than a very good one. Neither of these men have disappointed, but it seems like they could have done far better.

2007 comments:

I love Benoit. I hope he doesn’t embarrass wrestling forever.

Grade: B

Benoit retains and circles the ring.

Cut to a promo for the Undertaker, showing his past. He doesn’t have a child showing him all grown up because he’s the fucking Undertaker. His match is up next.

Cut to Mr. President himself, Cunt Trump, who is on the phone, giving off that Vince hasn’t even given him a sammich. Miss USA is there, acting her socks off. Behind him, the Boogeyman appears, spitting worms and shit. Cunt Trump asks for food from Boogey after he scares off Miss USA. Boogeman disappears and Little Boogeyman walks off.

Back in the arena, Maggle says, “Ould Trump can make a deal with anybody!” Especially the American public, apparently. You fools! You voted this man into office! You utter, utter fools!

Cut to the induction for the Hall of Fame 2007: The Wild Samoans, The Shiek – who is the spit of his nephew, Sabu – Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Fucking Perfect – with Curtis Axel off to the side there, who would be starting in World League Wrestling a few months later. Jerry “The King” Lawler goes in, too and so does our boy Dusty Rhodes. He dances on and slurs his way through his speech.

Back in the arena, Lillian bigs up the new record in Ford Field. Congratulations, America, you did it. You packed human beings into a place like sardines. Then Howard Finkel comes out. He absolutely smashes the introduction to the Hall of Fame 2007. Good ol’ JR, Mr. Perfect’s family, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, The Wild Samoans – Afa and Sika, the wife of the original Sheik and The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.

There was a poll thinking that Batista will defeat Undertaker at WrestleMania. 82% go with ‘Taker. Coming up next, it’s Batista vs. Taker. Cut to a promo showing this heated rivalry, which basically amounts to Taker winning the Royal Rumble, choosing Batista as his opponent  and the two men hitting each other until Batista Pearl Harbours Taker at No Way Out in February. We see Batista ruin people left and right. We see Taker walk around and be scary. Fair play to the pair of you. The promo package is actually brilliant.

Teddy Long is in the ring and he’s announcing. Why, Teddy? Why?

Batista’s music hits and the champion comes out first. I hate this. There’s no need for it. Yes, we love Undertaker and his entrance is great, but Batista is the champion, by Christ. He runs from one end of the Titantron to the other like a big old jobber. He does his wee spin, forgets that he’s in the wrong place, moves forward to hit his gatling gun pyro. Silly Batista. He goes to his turnbuckles, poses and holds his belt up.

Big monks chanting and a line of them appear with fiery torches. What an entrance. They go everywhere, standing in lines of three on the Titantron, waiting for the smoke to fill. Lights go down and… Big pyro? That’s not Undertaker’s style. Weird. The bells toll anyways and the Deadman appears, backlit and looming. Batista is undeterred. Taker walks on, slowly, taking most of the rest of the PPV to get to the ring. No jokes aside, from Taker’s first appearance, backlit on the time he enters the ring is three minutes. Three minutes. A further one and a half minutes for his monks to get into position and one minute from him entering the ring until the bell goes. That’s a total of five and a half minutes for one man to get into the match.

Teddy introduces ‘Taker as “The Phenom of the WWE,” which lets on that there are other Phenoms. There are not unless we are talking about the AMD Phenom, of course. Maggle tells us that The Undertaker is all about mind games. He’s not really. He’s about kicking lads up the hole. Finally, Taker enters the ring, slowly removes his coat and hat, stands in his corner and waits for the bell to ring.

World Heavyweight Championship match: Undertaker def. Batista (c) via pin in 15:51.

Undertaker springs out of the corner, is caught by a spear from Batista, who drives him back into the corner and beats on him before Undertaker takes over, batters on Batista and is knocked outside, landing on his feet. Both men fight outside, taking only minutes to get out of the ring. Batista throws Taker into the steel steps and the Animal goes in the ring as Little Naitch begins a countout. Batista goes top rope and hits a shoulder barge. Maggle goes ballistic. Batista takes a big boot and springs off the ropes to hit back. Batista is hammering on Taker’s head and hits a lovely body slam, springing off the ropes. Taker catches the foot and fights back. Both men share strikes in the centre of the ring and Taker takes control, tossing Batista into the corner for a running hug followed by a second.

Taker hits Snake Eyes, big leg drop and fails to get the pin. He will though, spoiler alert. Taker picks Batista up, gets ready for Old School and the crowd love it as he hits it. He gestures for the chokeslam and the Animal escapes, pulling the hand off his throat, fighting back, Irish whipping Taker and the Deadman hits the flying clothesline. Pin attempt and Batista kicks out. Taker hits some punches and Batista falls outside. Taker rolls out, bounces Batista’s head off the steel steps, cracks the elbow into Batista’s jaw, goes to the apron and hits a lovely big leg drop. Batista falls to the ground and Undertaker rolls in to break up the pin. He bounces off the ropes and suicide dives out. Both men have a lovely lie down.

Both men are up and Batista is having his head bounced off the barricade, getting some punches and Taker rolls in to break the count, rolls out and gets an Irish whip into the timekeeper’s area. Batista shoves past a cameraman and rolls in and out to break the count. He throws the tops of the announcer’s tables away, putting Taker onto the table, punching at the Phenom and lifts him up, sets up the running powerslam and smashes the Deadman through the table. Fair play to you, boys. Undertaker is up and taking punches to the face, the yoke. Batista goes for the pin and fails. He punches Taker constantly to teach him a lesson for having the cheek to kick out. Batista looks angry, goes for the Batista Bomb but Undertaker fights back.

In the corner, Taker beats on Batista and gets a belly-to-belly in the middle of the ring. Cunt JBL says that the Undertaker smells like smoke because he’s been through fire. That’s Kane. Is that not Kane? Taker is in the corner and as Batista goes for the ten punch, Taker lifts him off, gives him the Last Ride and almost gets the pin. Batista hits the spinebuster, shakes the ropes, goes for the Batista Bomb but Taker is up. Seems like a botched moveset there and Taker gets the chokeslam, gets a pin and Batista kicks out. Undertaker signals for the tombstone, lifts the Animal up but he replies with a spear, goes for the Batista Bomb, hits it – almost misses it – and Undertaker kicks out. Good man yourself, Mr. Calloway. Batista goes for a second Batista Bomb but Taker reverses into a back body drop and goes for the Tombstone, hits it mid-ring, gets the pin, the win and the belt in 15:51.

2017 comments:

Very good match. Both men gave it their all. Not amazing and no great spots other than the table shot. Taker didn’t do his sit-up and there was only one big near-fall after the Batista Bomb, but good match.

2007 comments:

Undertaker will never, ever lose at WrestleMania.

Grade: A

Lovely wee end-of-first-half match as Undertaker wins again at WrestleMania, just as he did ten years previous versus Sycho Sid. He gets to one knee, hits the blue light and lifts the belt up. Taker does not need any championship belts. He is over enough without needing gold. Big pyro hits and Taker leaves the ring as we see the replays. Bone Street Krew tattoo on the Undertaker’s stomach. Good man, Taker. He pauses atop the Titantron, looks over his shoulder and as the smoke rises, he lifts his arm and big pyro.

On the Card will return on April 15 2017 with the third part of WrestleMania 23.

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on February 18, 2007, No Way Out 2007. It was a Smackdown the first of its kind since Armageddon in December 2006. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

No Way Out 2007

No tagline this time either. The poster is The Undertaker in a dark hallway, looking through his eyebrows. Behind him is a barred door. The “No Way Out” at the bottom has chains on it. I see the subtle innuendo.

The opening is a slow walk through a prison. “Tonight, for these four superstars… There is no way out.” Vince says that there is going to be a tag team match between Cena and Michaels vs. Undertaker and Batista. He says this match is one the likes of which will never be seen before. It’s a match where there’s no trust between the tag teams. Nope. Never seen this before in my entire life ever.

We see some sort of labyrinthine hallway of doors and cells before we are told that SmackDown! presents WWE No Way Out. Just as the superstars are stuck in a prison of their own creation, we too are stuck in the fucking Staples Centre, Los Angeles, California where 14,000 people are in attendance with a buyrate of 218,000 at home, a tiny drop from the 220,000 the previous year. There’s big pyro and my heart stops as Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL invite us to the detour on the Road to Wrasslemania. They say that this last-minute crap tag is the biggest main event in SmackDown history. We are about to be introduced to our Spanish colleages but Cunt JBL shouts racist things about hating bi-lingual places. I tell you what, I can’t wait to see the back of him.

Despite his racism, we see our lovely Spanish colleagues, Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich. A great pair of lads. They hammer on in Spanish for ages. What a pair of lads. Hugo ends it with, “Waaaaow!”

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring… Rob Van Dam against Shelton Benjamin?! What did either of them do to deserve that?)

Oh great, the first match is a six-man tag. Fucking Teddy Long and his love for tag matches. There will be four this evening. This… displeases me. The first one out is MVP, our boy with his big-ass legs and awesome pyro. He’s a great heel. We need someone like him. Cole says that this is, “a treat”, similar to how someone might give you fruitcake as a treat, which is neither a fruit nor a cake.

Big red carpet and down comes Mankin- sorry, it’s MNM. Joey is still rocking that mask, though. Fair play to you, big man. Take a bow. Melina is there with an ill-fitting top on. JBL quotes The Mask, which is not the first time. Melina lifts her legs onto the apron and we see her bottom. JBL: “Even you would like that, Michael.” Cole: “I… love it.” And now JBL likes Mexicans.

Hardys come out. Jeff is raving away there, winged off his tits. The annoucners really big up the match at Armageddon where the Hardys hit the leg drop and bust open Joey.

Down comes [REDACTED] Benoit. No big entrance for him. He just walks down and lifts his US championship belt. JBL gives off because Cole says, “Ohhhh my!”

Siz-Man Tag Team match: [REDACTED] Benoit and The Hardy Boyz def Montel Vontavious Porter and MNM (w/ Melina) via submission in 14:19.

No titles on the line here, no one cares. It’s a payday for the lot of them. Jeff and Joey maybe have beef over the ladder incident and although Johnny and Matt will stand up for their partners, MVP and Benoit are just along for the ride. Big “Hardy!” chant rises from the crowd as Joey and Matt square off. Cole bigs up the rivalry between MNM and Hardys as Melina screams at ringside. Joey gets a boot to the face and Matt hits the axe-handle nothing. Jeff comes in and goes for the pin instantly but gets naught. Matt is back in and Johnny is tagged. Lovely hip toss by Matt followed by slaps on the back. MVP tags himself in and goes for a dodgy bodyslam. Benoit is in and rips on MVP. Cole tells us that he has only one gear – fifth gear.

MVP fights back and a lovely snapmare and pin but gets nothing. MVP escapes, tags in Joey, who refuses. MVP is back in and gets tossed about by Benoit. Lovely snap suplex and pin attempt. Jeff is in and beats on MVP in the corner. Johnny scrambles about the place and gets a backwards enziguri and double leg drop to Johnny’s balls. Nitro slaps Hardy and they chase each other when Little Naitch’s back is turned. Crappy snapmare – crapmare – and Johnny is holding Jeff in a little spooning cuddle mid-ring. Jeff gets to his feet, batters Johnny in the midsection and Melina is frustrated that a pin attempt did not work. More chinlocks on Jeff. Chinlock city.

MVP is back in and distracts the ref while Johnny hits on Jeff. Nice suplex and pin attempt. Johnny is back in and hits Jeff with an attempted backdrop but Jeff hits Whisper in the Wind. Matt is in for the tepid tag and clears house, hits the bulldog from the corner, hits the Side Effect. Matt gets a backdrop from MVP and a snapmare followed by chinlock city. MVP hits the gutwrench and hits an elbow with theatrics. Benoit breaks up the pin. Mercury is in, getting the thumb in Matt’s eye like Umaga. Gimmick infringement. Melina goes to slap Matt but the ref turns around. Joey is in the corner with his team mates, beating on Matt. Nitro attempts the pin but gets nothing. Facelock city.

The crowd claps, attempting to get the hot tag up. Matt hits the clothesline, can’t seem to get to Benoit but goes eventually. Benoit clears house and hits a lovely suplex of Joey onto MVP followed by a double German suplex as MNM hold on to each other for dear life. Hardys hit Poetry in Motion. Matt hits the Twist of Fate but Cole calls it a side effect. Jeff hits the Swanton, Benoit gets the flying headbutt and MVP breaks up the pin. Jeff attempts a sunset flip on Nitro outside but fails. MVP tries to DQ Benoit with a US Championship to the face but Johnny breaks it up. Joey beats on Benoit and MNM go for the Snapshot, attempts the cover, fails and hits the crossface instead, getting the win in 14:19.

2017 comments:

Not a great curtain jerker and has crescendo booking with nothing happening for most of the match then everyone hits their finishers and the faces win.

2007 comments:

Why was Benoit there?

Grade: B

Backstage, the “vivacious” Kristal is there, forgetting her lines. “The wife of Eddie Guerrero… (legit pause of about five seconds)… Vicky Guerrero.” Christ, you’re a terrible woman. Big boos and big pauses again. Kristal and Vicky shamble their way through a shitty promo and awkward hug.

Cut to Finlay and Little Bastard as they cut a shitty promo on little people. Finlay tells Little Bastard to stay where he is. He refuses so Finlay puts him in a bin, which smokes and turns red. It turns out that Little Boogeyman was inside. Repulsive.

Back in the arena, it’s time for the Cruiserweight Open. It’s basically a shitty Royal Rumble.

Oh wait, no, I take that back. The first entrant is Scotty 2 Hotty. This is going to be the best match of the card, y’all haters can go fuck yourselves. Out comes the hyped up – and best – member of Too Cool.

Daivari’s music hits. He comes out with little fanfare but by gum he looks great. He was given such a shitty gimmick.

Cruiserweight Open for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Chavo Guerrero def. Gregory Helms (c), Scotty 2 Hotty, Daivari, Sho Funaki, Shannon Moore, Jimmy Wang Yang and Jamie Noble via elimination in 14:11.

A First Challenger Appears: Scotty 2 Hotty.

A Second Challenger Appears: Daivari.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Daivari has an earring. The fool. Daivari goes for three pins in a row instantly, followed by a bodyslam and some punches to the face. Daivari gets some heat from the crowd for being Middle-Eastern. Racists. Scotty hits the facebuster and hits the WORM. Brilliantly awful move. He gets the pin from it.

Daivari has been eliminated by Scotty 2 Hotty in 1:39.

A Third Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

It’s the current Cruiserweight Champion! Down he comes to the ring, gets bopped a few times by Scotty and the pair of them trade blows in the corner. Scotty looks like he’s crying and gets a slingshot to the throat. Pin attempt and fail. The crowd bay for Scotty, but we know he’s done. He charges Helms into the corner, follows it up with smacks to the face and Scotty hits the backdrop, attempts another WORM, gives Scotty a knee to the face and the pin.

Scotty 2 Hotty has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 2:06.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Sho Funaki.

Oh no! It’s the sneaky Japanese!

Funaki slides in, wearing his Smackdown trunks, goes for the cross-body but Helms rolls through, grabs the tights, shows off Funaki’s arse and gets the pin.

Sho Funaki has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 26 seconds.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Shannon Moore.

Looking like a Jeff Hardy from some alternate universe, Shannon Moore rocks up with his Mohawk and mental makeup. The two roll out and Shannon hits a lovely springboard to hurricanrana. Shannon hits the spinebuster and pin attempt but fails. Shannon hits a lovely bridging pin followed by a jumping neckbreaker. Cunt JBL and Cole share homophobic remarks. Helms hits the superplex on Moore and a knee to the jaw followed by a pin.

Shannon Moore has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 2:02.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Jimmy Wang Yang.

This has been a great match so far… for Gregory Helms. It’s okay, though, our resident redneck is down to kick some arse and take some names. Lovely standing moonsault and “yahoo!” from Jimmy Wang Yang. He goes for the ten-punch and fails. Lovely roll-up and Wang Yang hits the side-Russian leg sweep followed by a weird submission. Top-rope moonsault that misses and Helms knocks him down. Jimmy Wang Yang hits the hurricanrana and gets the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Jimmy Wang Yang in 1:49.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Jamie Noble.

Before Noble comes out, Helms hits the neckbreaker, laying Jimmy Wang Yang out. Noble goes for the pin as Gregory Helms watches on. Big slaps from Noble and another pin attempt. Lovely body slam and leg drop and Cunt JBL keeps talking despite the fact that no one wants him here. Chinlock city. Awkward Irish whip and Noble attempts the pin but fails after Jimmy rockets into the turnbuckle. Jimmy stunners Noble and hits the Atomic Drop. An almost pin after a dropkick. Suplex attempt and Noble escapes, hits the spinning leg kick. Jimmy goes to the top rope and slaps at Jimmy. Goes for the superplex but Jimmy says no and hits the top-rope moonsault for the pin.

Jamie Noble has been eliminated by Jimmy Wang Yang in 3:43.

Jimmy Wang Yang is the Winner of the WWE Cruiser-

Ohhh, Chavo!

An Eighth and Final Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

Whaaat? A surprise entry? Christ!

Chavo jumps in and the pair of them square off before Chavo hits the side-suplex and boots on Jimmy. Roidy Guerrero attacks Jimmy and takes a spinning leg kick to the face. Chavo is sent out over the top and Jimmy goes to the top-rope, hits a monstrous cross-body, rolls Chavo in, hits a missile dropkick but Chavo counters and hits the Three Amigos, goes to the top, gets mega boos for attempting the frog splash but Jimmy hits a top-rope Hurricanrana, almost gets the pin. He goes top rope again but Chavo is there to stop him. He is knocked off the top rope. Jimmy attempts the corkscrew moonsault, Chavo dodges, hits the Frog Splash and the pin.

Jimmy Wang Yang has been eliminated by Chavo Guerrero in 4:07.

Chavo Guerrero is the Winner of the WWE Cruiserweight Open and new WWE Cruiserweight Champion in 14:11.

2017 comments:

I don’t understand the point of this. Is there a feud developing here? Who is supposed to go over? Had Helms squashed everyone but just been barely able to put Jimmy Wang Yang away and Jimmy had fought Jamie for a good few minutes followed by a tough match with Chavo, I can understand it. Add six minutes onto the runtime and add that into the last three bouts and I can get it: Jimmy Wang Yang is good enough not only to put away a tired Gregory Helms, but also fight toe-to-toe with Noble and Guerrero before he finally loses. Then Helms would go over – a tough champ who put away all other challengers – and Jimmy would go over – he beat the champ – and Chavo would go over – he beat the tired winner. But… it was a clean finish. Jimmy just lost. And who wants to see Chavo with a belt? No one.

2007 comments:

I like Jimmy Wang Yang.

Grade: B

Disappointing, both for the fans and the wrestlers. We already hate Chavo. No need to make us hate him more. I see that Vicky isn’t there to congratulate him. Obviously they’ve split up and expanded their evil into other areas of the Fed. Replays of the win. Cole calls him disrespectful and the crowd can’t give less of a shit about him.

On the Card will return on February 25 2017 with the second part of No Way Out 2007!

Ruthless Aggression #14. Royal Rumble (Jan 28, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Brilliant Cena match. Fair play to the pair of them.

Backstage, Sandman interrupts Coach and the rest of them. Takes a number, takes a drink, busts himself open with his cane and leaves. Ric Flair comes in and Kelly Kelly mutters a line. The lights dim and Layla comes in and dances. Shite, shite, shite.

Back in the Arena we have Jerry, Cunt and Moustache and they are  – regrettably – announcing the Rumble.

Promo showing the last twenty years of the Royal Rumble, from Hogan and Warrior to Kane dominating, to Trips and Shawn winning, to The Rock’s fantastic win in 2000 and Stone Cold clearing house in 1997. We see Vince win, [REDACTED] Benoit win, Mysterio win. Apparently it’s a star-studded Rumble. I’ll be the judge of that. Shawn Michaels is in it. Edge is in it. Kenny is in it. Benoit, Khali, Kane, Booker, Taker, all participants.

Lillian Garcia looks like a car. She reminds us of the rules, but, c’mon, we know the rules, girl.

A question I have is… does the winner fight Cena or the champ in their own brand? That’s not explained.

Ric Flair’s music hits and out he comes, fresh from his dance twenty seconds ago. He was number 3 in 1992. He almost lasted an hour back then. Doubt he’s going to last that long.

Then Finlay’s music hits and the crowd go mild. Little Naitch tells him that he can’t have the shillelagh. The pair of them square off and the Rumble begins.

The 2007 Royal Rumble.

A First Challenger Appears: Ric Flair.

A Second Challenger Appears: Fit Finlay.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Finlay tosses Flair to the ground and they get into the corner together. Finlay slaps Flair and the Nature Boy returns it, getting big “Woo!”s from the crowd. Flair gets a back body drop and Finlay lifts Flair up, tries to toss him out and gets a rake in the eye.

A Third Challenger Appears: Kenny Dykstra.

Twenty years old, it’s our boy Spirit Squad Kenny. Flair goes straight for him. Lots of slaps which Finlay stops. Kenny boots Flair and Finlay tries to get Kenny out. Kenny gets back in and there are more slaps and punches in the corner.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Matt Hardy.

He’s in twice tonight! Fat Matt Hardy, holding the old jaw and going straight for Kenny, hitting the Side Effect and almost kicking Kenny out. Flair and Finlay in one corner and no eliminations yet. The competitors have paired off but once again, Kenny holds Flair and the partners swap as Finlay and Matt tussle. Lots more chops from Flair.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Edge.

Here we go, a talented wrassler. Out he comes, sprinting to the ring, spearing Flair, spearing Finlay, goes for Matt who skips out of the way and hits the Twist of Fate. Flair is outside, he’s under the ring, he’s got a steel chair – legal but only as long as he introduces it during the match as opposed to before it. Edge grabs Flair and the crowd boo as he gets tossed out.

Ric Flair has been eliminated by Edge in 5:40.

Kenny and Edge high five and as Dykstra does the Flair dance, Edge tosses him out.

Kenny Dykstra has been eliminated by Edge in 4:05.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Tommy Dreamer.

No time to mourn the Spirit Squad boy. It’s time for Tommy. He runs in, the crowd chant “ECW!” and he gets Edge in the tree of woe, baseball slides him and is knocked down by Finlay. Four men in the ring now. Both Tommy and Edge are about to be thrown out but no dice. We’re going to see lots of that shite.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Sabu.

Oh fuck. Here’s Botchy McCan’tmanoeuver. He runs to the ring, grabs a table from below first, sets it up outside the ring, goes straight for Tommy. Sabu hits the springboard crossbody and does it again but Dreamer hits the weak punch and gets him mid-air. More “holding on the ring rope” spots.

An Eighty Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

He comes in, goes for Matt and Finlay is almost thrown out. Six men in, all in pairs, nothing exciting happening and none of them are winners, really. Sabu is getting chants and goes for Helms, ready to toss him out.

A Ninth Challenger Appears: Shelton Benjamin.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team member 1 is in. He tries to toss out Tommy and fails. He tries to toss out Matt and fails. People waste time here as Finlay tries to toss Shelton out. Both men hold on. Matt tries to help and fails. We have Sabu/Tommy and Greg/Edge. Matt is trying to suplex Shelton out.

A Tenth Challenger Appears: Kane.

Big pop for the pyro from Kane. He holds the record for knocking the most people out at 11 until Roman Reigns beat him. But fuck Reigns. Kane hits the tiltawhirl Bossman slam, chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy out.

Tommy Dreamer has been eliminated by Kane in 6:41.

Tommy has the record for lasting the longest before being eliminated, but obviously that must be beaten tonight. Sabu has Kane on the ropes. He tries to clothesline him out, lands on the apron and Kane chokeslams him out, through the table.

Sabu has been eliminated by Kane in 5:28.

The announcers say that Kane is the favourite now.

An Eleventh Challenger Appears: CM Punk.

Out he comes! The up and comer! He goes straight for Edge and Cunt JBL calls him boring because he’s straight edge. Finlay almost tosses him out, but fails. CM Punk gives Edge a wee knee to the face. Finlay has been in for over fifteen minutes, which is fourteen minutes too long, being honest with you. Final lifts Punk over but fails.

A Twelfth Challenger Appears: King Booker.

Sharmell is with him! Yo! He takes his time to come in, starts on Helms and beats him like a government mule, tossing him out.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by King Booker in 6:50.

Well done, Hurrcicane, you beat Tommy by nine seconds. Seven men in the ring and all of them wasting time. Cole tells us of all the brands but fuck the brands.

A Thirteeth Challenger Appears: Super Crazy

It’s Super Crazy! He’s going in and goes after the tough guys and gets beaten down almost instantly. More wasting time here with everyone holding onto ropes. Finlay almost goes out and Shelton Benjamin is in trouble but survives.

A Fourteenth Challenger Appears: Jeff Hardy.

Both Hardys! They double team Finlay, they double team Edge! They double team Super Crazy! They botch that, though. They double Team Kane, but he gets them in the old double chokeslam and they hit back with Poetry in Motion.

A Fifteenth Challenger Appears: Sandman.

Here he is, coming down the crowd, spraying beer over someone who works there, like a goose. He comes in, Singapore cane in hang and busts both Hardys and Crazy before Booker tosses him out.

Sandman has been eliminated by Booker T in 13 seconds.

Good. Get rid of you and that shite theme music. Use Metallica. Fuck sake.

The crowd boo, though. They obviously like the talentless fuck. Finlay almost tosses out Jeff but he skins the can and jumps back in. Punk attempts it but fails.

A Sixteenth Challenger Appears: Randy Orton.

Both Hardys are in, both Rated-RKO are in. Both King Booker and Sir Finlay are in. Rated-RKO toss out Super Crazy.

Super Crazy has been eliminated by Rated-RKO in 4:32.

Randy hits Matt with a backbreaker. The Tag Team Champs try to toss him off but Jeff goes before Matt.

Jeff Hardy has been eliminated by Edge in 3:39.

Matt Hardy has been eliminated by Randy Orton in 18:55.

I’ll bet Matt said he didn’t want to be eliminated by Edge. Rated-RKO go for the others and more wasting time. No spots other than Sabu’s shite table spot. Finlay and Booker try to toss out Kane.

A Seventeenth Challenger Appears: [REDACTED] Benoit.

The man that time forgot pops in, chopping Rated-RKO, goes for Booker, goes for Finlay, German suplexes him to the mat. Booker goes for the kick, gets a suplex. Shelton tries to grab Benoit, gets a suplex. What a guy. Cunt JBL calls him a cardio machine.

An Eighteenth Challenger Appears: RVD.

The whole fucking show! Rob Van Dam comes in, knocks down Benoit, knocks down Edge, knocks down Shelton. Booker throws him into the corner and Kane throws Booker out.

King Booker T has been eliminated by Kane in 9:22.

Booker cannot believe it! He is upset and so is Cunt JBL. Booker comes back in, beats on Kane, hits the Scissors Kick, tosses Kane out.

Kane has been eliminated by Booker T in 13:21.

Is this legal? In 1997, I asked the same thing when Ahmed Johnson returned to the ring to hit Faarooq with the biggest 2×4 I had ever seen. This should not be legal and there should be rules against it, at least having Kane go back into the ring or restart the match. Alas, Booker and Kane start a feud outside.

A Nineteenth Challenger Appears: Viscera.

Big Daddy V walks down and the camera focuses on Kane. The announcers argue about whether or not Booker’s attack is legal or not. Cole tells us that it took seven men to eliminate Viscera (then called Mabel) in 1992. The announcers make fat jokes.

A Twentieth Challenger Appears: Johnny Nitro.

Nice.

Nitro goes for RVD and does not get him out. Viscera squashes Punk in the corner. There are nine people in the ring and we have ten people left. Shelton Benjamin holds on, his feet hovering off the ground.

A Twenty-First Challenger Appears: Kevin Thorn.

Ariel is not with him. Disregard. Discount Gangrel beats on people and we see Shelton holding on tight to the bottom rope. Big Daddy V has RVD over the top rope but none can help. Viscera is on the ropes and RVD gets a great clothesline to knock him to the ground. The eleventh person in the ring is about to arrive.

A Twenty-Second Challenger Appears: Hardcore Holly.

He can fuck off. Old Sparky Plugg.

Christ, there are a lot of men in this fucking ring. Bob Holly legit punches Viscera, the prick. Cole tells us that the ring is filling up. Good man. Six men are on Viscera. Come on, boys, you need at least one more there.

A Twenty-Third Challenger Appears: Shawn Michael.

He enters to his fucking DX music. C’mon, Shawn. You can do better than that. The ring clears as Shawn goes on Finlay and knocks him out with a clothesline.

Finlay has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 32:33.

That is too long for Finlay to be anywhere. Viscera knocks everyone back, Shawn superkicks him and the lads go for the World’s Biggest Love Machine once again, getting him over the top rope. Eight men, apparently.

Viscera has been eliminated by Rob Van Dam, Edge, CM Punk, Chris Benoit, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Hardcore Holly and Kevin Thorn in 6:22.

Then Shawn tosses out Shelton Benjamin.

Shelton Benjamin has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 22:22.

He beats Viscera by sixteen minutes. Yeo.

Shawn beats on Bob Holly and then Holly beats on Michaels.

A Twenty-Fourth Challenger Appears: Chris Masters.

Roidy Magoo rolls in and the ring is full again with ten men all up in it. Nitro goes top rope and Benoit knocks him down.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:18.

Fair play to Johnny, actually. He lasted ages for a man who had a huge match earlier in the night. Edge is the longest-serving man in this Rumble.

A Twenty-Fifth Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

He runs in and does a lovely roll, goes for Masters and Kevin Thorn is tossed out.

Kevin Thorn has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:55.

Who is left to come out? Who really cares?

Michaels beats on Randy. Punk and RVD hug each other. Masters beats on Chavo. Edge hangs out on the floor. The crowd are quite dead. Ohhhhh, the timer comes back up!

A Twenty-Sixth Challenger Appears: MVP.

Montel Vontavious Porter! It’s himself! He slides in, burns and all, goes for Benoit. Ten men are in the ring again. Masters falls out. Derp.

Chris Masters has been eliminated by RVD  in 3:32.

RVD is very pleased with himself. Punk is almost out on one corner, Holly almost out on t’other. Punk is holding on but the timer is coming up!

A Twenty-Seventh Challenger Appears: Carlito.

Ohhhhh, the boy himself is in. Brilliant. I love Carlito. Tenner says he lasts two minutes. The ring is very full, eleven men in the ring and only three men left. Shawn Michaels almost goes over the top rope. He’s holding, he’s teetering, he’s tottering, but he stays in. Fair play. Rated-RKO attack Carlito and the timer comes up again.

A Twenty-Eighth Challenger Appears: The Great Khali.

The crowd groan. Who cares about this shitehawk? No one. The crowd die and the wrasslers stop, watch. Edge and RVD get tossed. Orton goes, Benoit goes, MVP goes, Shawn goes, RVD again, Chavo. The crowd boo. Everyone is on the floor. They’re all getting chops and they’re all sitting down.

Just before the timer hits zero, Bob Holly is tossed out by Khali. Good. Shove it up ye.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 10:21.

Ten boys still in and we reach our penultimate challenger!

A Twenty-Ninth Challenger Appears: The Miz.

Wow. He can go fuck himself. Khali tosses him right out.

The Miz has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 7 seconds.

Good.

Khali then throws out RVD.

RVD has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 16:28.

Then he throws out Punk!

CM Punk has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 27:16.

Then he almost throws out Carlito. Then he does toss out Carlito.

Carlito has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 3:19.

Then he throws out Chavo!

Chavo has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 6:24.

Jerry says, “Somebody dropped the ugly bomb on him.” Bit harsh, the lad has a disease. Either way, he also has been given a push and one that he, like many before him, simply does not deserve.

At some point during this, Benoit gets eliminated too.

[REDACTED] Benoit has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 17:52.

Shawn is up and chops Khali. Khali grabs Michaels and the crowd boo. He takes a chokebomb as number 30 comes in. Cole has a lovely soundbite, “Who can beat Khali?”

The Thirtieth and Final Challenger Appears: The Undertaker.

Just like ten years before, Taker is number thirty! Khali looks worried. The pair batter in the middle of the ring and Taker fights back, finally tossing the cunt out.

The Great Khali has been eliminated by the Undertaker in 3:45

Undertaker raises hell in the middle of the ring. No one else will join these five men. We have MVP, Orton, Edge, Michaels, Taker. He knocks everyone down, hits Old School on MVP. Balls on him. Undertaker tosses MVP out.

MVP has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 7:32.

Taker hits Edge with the jumping clothesline. MVP takes a chair into the ring and Taker almost throws Edge out as Randy Orton busts Taker in the head with the chair. Taker is up, though and Edge is calling for Orton to turn around. Randy sees it, though and the pair shout at each other mid-ring. Randy hits the RKO on Shawn and he rolls out. Rated-RKO chat and they both turn on Taker. Taker is bust open and the two men beat on the Phenom without mercy. Taker fights back and rains fists on the Tag Team Champs, running into the corners. Taker is about to hit the double chokeslam but they fight out, give him the Irish whip and he hits the double clothesline, hits Snake Eyes and Big Boot on Edge. He goes for the Chokeslam on Orton but Edge Spears him before he can do it. Edge has the chair in his hand, cracks Taker on the head for the second time.

Edge rolls out, gets another chair and they get ready for the Conchairto, which is a stupid name. Shawn’s up, though! And he tosses Orton out!

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 27:15.

Then he tosses Edge out!

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 44:02.

Both men are lying on the ground. The crowd is going wild. Taker sits up first. Shawn kip-ups. They both get ready, put their dukes up and Shawn has Taker in the corner, going for the ten-punch but Taker pushes him off twice and chokeslams him into the corner. Taker punches Shawn and he damn near flies out of the ring.

Shawn gets back in and there are chops from Shawn. Taker reverses an Irish whip and Shawn is damn near turned inside out. Taker goes for the big boot but Taker falls onto the apron. Shawn attempts to knock him off but fails. Taker goes to back body drop Shawn but gets a swinging neckbreaker instead. Big punches. “HBK!” chants rise. Taker gives Michaels the Big Boot. The San Antonian crowd is silent. Taker lifts up Shawn, tries to toss him off but Shawn holds on, throws him into the turnbuckle. Shawn goes up top and is almost thrown off. Undertaker goes for the superplex. They headbutt each other. Taker goes to toss Michaels onto the mat but Michaels fights back. Taker is in the ring. Shawn is on the turnbuckle. He hits the elbow, jumps up and leans against the corner. He starts to tune up the band. The crowd are baying for Sweet Chin Music and count with the stomps. Taker catches the boot! Taker hits a thunderous chokeslam. He runs his thumb over his throat and lifts up Shawn, is about to hit the Tombstone but Shawn escapes and hits Sweet Chin Music!

Both men are down. Both men are fucked. They’ve been the last two men for ages. Shawn is getting the superkick ready but Taker tosses him over the top rope!

Shawn Michaels has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 24:11.

Entrant number thirty, The Undertaker is the winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble in 56:18 after surviving for 13:15.

2017 comments:

Very, very good finish. Everything up to that was filler.

1997 comments:

I like how they just put a Shawn vs. Taker match on the end of this disappointing battle royale.

Grade: B

Taker stands centre stage, looks out at Shawn, nods and the camera focuses on both men, showing the emotion behind the match. Fair play to the pair of yis. Taker looks at the Wrestlemania 23 sign, checks out the hard cam and points at Shawn. Cunt JBL says that they don’t know what title he is going to go after… so presumably he can choose any. He kneels mid-ring and big pyro hits.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Good God Almighty, I have to give it to either Shawn, Cena or Umaga. I’m going to go with Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than backstage bimbos.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: There were none, really, but I’d say Taker’s sit up followed by Shawn’s kip up was brilliant.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt; Batista retained his World Heavyweight Championship belt and John Cena retained his WWE Championship belt.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the last we will see of Roidy Magoo Test.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, [REDACTED] Benoit.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: CM Punk, Joey Mercury, Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Joey Mercury for busting his face and returning!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell, Trish Stratus.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Ariel, Queen Sharmell, Victoria, No one.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Victoria!

The Year in Reviews

Each Royal Rumble, I will give you some information of the past year of reviews for you stat-heads out there.

In 2006, the biggest movie at the time was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which made $1,066,179,725 worldwide, followed by The Da Vinci Code and Ice Age: The Meltdown. There were a lot of things going on in the world of music but the top best-selling album was… The High School Musical Soundtrack? What the fuck?

There was the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany, a Jackson Pollock painting sold and people cared for some reason, North Korea conducted its first-ever Nuclear Test and Steve Irwin died.

In wrasslin’ news, the WWE Championship was brought into 2006 by Cena for 280 days since April 3 2005 until Edge held it for 21 days from Jan 8 2006 to Jan 29 where Cena held it for 133 days until June 11 at ECW One Night Stand where RVD took it. He held it for 22 days until July 3 when Edge took it back, then it passed to Cena after 76 days at Unforgiven on September 17 and he would take it into the New Year.

Batista had the WWE World Heavyweight belt from April 3, 2005, brought it into 2006 but lost it after 282 days when he had a triceps injury. Kurt Angle took it, held it for 82 days, Dropped it at WrestleMania 22 to Rey Mysterio (winner of the Royal Rumble 2006) and he held it for 112 days until Booker T won it at The Great American Bash on July 23. He lost it Batista after 126 days at Survivor Series and he would bring it into 2007.

Ric Flair held the Intercontinental Championship for 155 days from Sept 18 2005 to Feb 20 2006 when he dropped it to Shelton Benjamin. He had it for 69 days, dropping it to RVD at Backlash who held it for a measly 15 days until Shelton got it back on May 15. After 41 days, Jonny Nitro took it at Vengeance and he had it for 99 days before dropping it to Jeff who gave it back to Johnny after 35 days who dropped it again to Jeff after a week. Jeff would bring it into the New Year.

Booker T had the United States Championship at the beginning of 2006 and held it for 40 days, dropping it to Benoit on Feb 19th, who would drop it to JBL on April 2 after 42 dats, who gave it to Bobby Lashley after 51 days and then to Finlay. They both held it for 49 days each. Mr Kennedy won it on August 29 and dropped it to Benoit 42 days later on October 10, 2006. He would take it into 2007.

Kid Kash was the Cruiserweight Champion at the start of 2006 but he dropped it to Gregory Helms who held it into the New Year.

Rob Van Dam won the reactivated ECW World Heavyweight Championship on June 13, 2006 and held it for 21 days until July 4 when The Big Show beat him to win it. He held it for 152 days until Bobby Lashley won it at December to Dismember and took it into the New Year.

MNM were the Tag Team Champions at the start of 2006 and dropped it to Paul London and Brian Kendrick after 145 days on May 21. They held it into 2007.

Kane and The Big Show were World Tag Team Champs at the beginning of 2006 but they dropped it to the Spirit Squad after 153 days on April 3. They then let Ric Flair and Roddy Piper take it from them on Cyber Sunday and eight days later, Rated-RKO got it from them on Nov 13. They brought it into 2007.

Finally, Trish Stratus was the WWE Women’s Champion at the beginning of 2006 and dropped it to Mickie James at WrestleMania 22 on April 2 after 448 days as champion. Mickie held it for 134 days until Lita took it from her on August 14. Trish won it back at Unforgiven and retired, vacating the title. Lita would win it on November 5 at Cyber Sunday and then Mickie won it 21 days later in Lita’s last match. Mickie would be Women’s Champ into 2007.

2006 was the last full year of separate PPVs for separate WWE brands until it happened again ten years later and it was the last year of the Ruthless Aggression Era as the PG Era came into play shortly after the Benoit Tragedy. The roster was thick and so was the blood.

Closing Statements: A good PPV, more spectacle than actual wrestling but the matches were fun and the end of the Rumble was fantastic.

On the Card will return on February 18 2017 with the Smackdown PPV No Way Out 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: A well-choreographed Inferno match and one of the worst injuries so far.

Kristal is wearing less clothes backstage. Cunt JBL drops a shitty quote, “Somebody call the fire marshal… she’s smokin’!”

Out comes The Miz, way before he could actually wrassle. He gets the mic and puts over the next match: Miz vs. Boogeyman. Cunt JBL speaks over The Miz.

The Boogeyman comes out and Miz looks actually scared. Cunt JBL calls Miz Red Rooster, which is funny. Out comes the Boogeyman, crawling and eating worms and carrying about a damn clock and so on and so forth. Big stick of smoke and pyro. Boogeyman could be over if he weren’t so damn bad at wrestling.

The Boogeyman def. The Miz via pin in 02:51.

Let’s get this piss break over with.

Boogeyman moves towards the Miz, spitting out worms and being weird. Boogeyman crawls backwards and pulls Miz in by his hair. Boogeyman beats on Miz as Cole tells us that MVP has been brought to a burn unit – potentially fake story – and Miz almost pins Boogey but our worm-eating friend fights back. Worms fall on the ground and Cole tells us that Mercury has a broken nose and is in hospital. Boogeyman hits the falling chokebomb and gets the pin in 2:51.

2016 comments:

Fuck the Miz.

2006 comments:

Fuck the Boogeyman.

Grade: F

Boogeyman pits worms into Miz’s mouth and runs out of the ring. Replays of the incident which I did not watch because they are disgusting. Cunt JBL sandbags the entire thing.

Backstage, Layla and Jillian Hall wear little clothes.

Cut to Chavo and Vicky. Vicky has a neck brace. The pair of them call [REDACTED] Benoit less than a real man. We see a flashback of Survivor Series as Benoit gets pushed into Vicky.

Chavo’s music hits and he comes out with Vicky, pointing at the crowd for a while. Vicky is described as being his business manager. Vicky keeps holding the neck brace, as if afraid it might fall off.

Benoit’s music hits and down comes Roidy Magoo himself, the [REDACTED] Wolverine. He’s the Us Champion despite being Canuck. The greatest betrayal. Chavo attacks him, starting the match.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero via submission in 12:14.

Chavo is getting Benoit into the corner and the two men have a fast-paced battle, quick snap suplex and a massive backdrop from Benoit. Still smoke in the arena, though, and a huge back body drop rocks the arena. Benoit attempts the Sharpshooter and catapults Chavo out of the ring. Big “Woo!”s from the crowd after a Flair chop. They then chant, “Let’s go, Benoit!” and he replies with lovely triple German suplexes. Benoit goes to the top rope but Chavo is up and hitting Benoit, making him fall onto the turnbuckle. Benoit gives Chavo a bunch of headbutts and finally Chavo gives him a monstrous superplex. Both men have a wee lie down.

Chavo is up first and laying boots into Benoit, taking over and throwing Benoit into the turnbuckle. Vicky claps on as Chavo wraps Benoit around the turnbuckle and baseball slides him in the bum. Chavo goes for the pin but gets naught so gives Benoit a wee boot in the back. Benoit fights back with Flair chops. Chavo gives Benoit a Camel Clutch, breaks back, makes humble. Both men have a lovely sit for some time until Benoit gets to his feet, attempts a back drop and Chavo reverses it into a pin. Great lad. Chavo then chokes Benoit on the bottom rope. Chavo goes for a punch but Benoit grabs his arm, desperate for the Crossface but gets nothing. Benoit is trying to get to his feet but gets a bunch of shots to the back for his effort. Chavo hits a lovely side backdrop and another to big boos.

Chavo lifts Benoit to the top rope and sets Benoit into the tree of woe. A dropkick followed by a missed baseball slide makes Chavo hit his balls on the turnbuckle. Chavo lifts Benoit for the Electric Chair but Benoit escapes. Chavo goes to hit multiple suplexes but Benoit escapes and hits eight German suplexes in a row. Standing ovation from the crowd. Benoit goes for the pin but Chavo’s leg is on the bottom rope. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and Vicky grabs the US Title. Benoit tells her, “Don’t do it!” and releases the Sharpshooter to apply one on her. Benoit delays, is rolled up by Chavo, who pulls on the tights. Benoit rolls through, hits the Sharpshooter and gets the submission in 12:14.

2016 comments:

An okay match with some lovely actual wrestling, but the introduction of Vicky ruined it.

2006 comments:

I’m quite happy Vicky’s tits didn’t pop out.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL is a cunt and Ashley is wearing hardly any clothes backstage. Guff.

Out comes my boy Hurricane Shane Gregory Helms. He is the WWE Cruiserweight Champion and he is the longest reigning champion of its name and in Smackdown history, reputedly.

Yee-haw! It’s Jimmy Wang Yang, the Resident Redneck, with his leathers and shit. He has a great handlebar moustache as well. Christ, that’s some great facial hair your man has. Greg has a great beard too, as does the ref. Amazing.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship match: Gregory Helms (c) def. Jimmy Wang Yang via pin in 10:51.

Cunt JBL hates Jimmy, which means he must be the comedy face. Helms gets all serious and there’s some lovely matwork from the pain, including a great kip-up from Jimmy. Helms slaps Jimmy and the redneck takes over, though Jimmy hits a great backflip, landing on his feet as Helms escapes from the ring like a big old coward. Back in the ring, Jimmy slides under Helms and delivers a lovely head scissors followed by a fantastic suplex but fails to get the pin.

Jimmy is in control and bumping like a boss as he flies over the top rope after a failed run to the corner and is rolled in by Helms for a failed pin. Helms guillotines Jimmy and hits a lovely snapmare and leg drop. Helms gets Jimmy in a nice little headlock and follows it up with a punch to the beak. Some gobshite in the audience seems to have stolen the belt but Helms cares not. Another pin and Helms is getting angry. Jimmy fights back, tosses Helms over the top rope and hits a lovely cross-body from the turnbuckle to the outside. Helms quickly takes over and gives Jimmy a bunch of chokes followed by a crossface as Cole and Cunt JBL discuss Wang Yang, Ying Yang and other racist things. Jimmy hits a bunch of strikes on Helms followed by a back body drop, a spinning back kick in the corner, dropkick from the top rope and Helms is still in it.

Helms dives out of the corner and Jimmy is down. Helms takes over, going to the top rope and hitting a super swinging neckbreaker. Cunt JBL checks the crowd chanting, “Boring!” like a fucking smark. Helms is bust on his lip and goes to the top rope but Jimmy catches him mid-air with a spinning heel kick. Helms kicks out. Jimmy can’t believe it. Helms and Jimmy go to the top rope. Helms is down. Jimmy attempts the corkscrew moonsault, Yang Time, but Helms rolls away and hits a double knee facebreaker for the win in 10:51.

2016 comments:

It was the piss-break match before two-thirds of the main event, but I really liked it and I fucking loved Jimmy Wang Yang. He seemed like a good, solid performer and didn’t botch.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Jimmy Wang Yang was suspended from the Fed in 2008 for testing positive for cocaine, which he partook of during his birthday.

2006 comments:

Is this gimmick racist? Wrestling is normally about ten or fifteen years behind the curve but I don’t know if this still would have been cool in 1991.

Grade: B

Big blob of blood falls from Helm’s mouth and Helms has won, retaining his championship. We see replays of the end of the match.

On the Card will return on December 31 2016 with the third and final part of Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #8: No Mercy (October 8, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: MVP. Very disappointing.

Cut after a break to JBL and Cole bigging up the upcoming Falls Count Anywhere match between Chavo and Rey.

Promo for the match showing Chavo’s betrayal during Rey’s World Championship match against Booker T at The Great American Bash by hitting him with a chair. Vicky Guerrero is unhappy about this and shouts at Chavo for a while… and then ends up bopping Rey with a chair herself. Vicky cuts a promo on how she hates Rey. We see Rey botching some moves and they let on that it was caused by his mind being on the Guerroros, not because Rey is a botch machine. The Guerreros threaten Rey’s son and hold him hostage, costing him a match against Mr. Kennedy. Bastards.

The announcer claims that the “falls count anywhere” stipulation means that the falls count anywhere… within the arena. So it should just be a “falls count anywhere in the arena” match then? Vicky comes out with Chavo, described as Chavo’s “business manager”, which is nice of them considering that they could easily make them have an affair or something. JBL calls Rey a leech. Chavo wears pants that say “Warrior”.

Rey erupts from the titantron, getting a huge kiddy pop. He gives his medallion to a child, gives his shirt to another, doing his Juan Cena impression. He jumps into the ring and the bell starts the match.

Falls Count Anywhere match: Rey Mysterio def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via pin in 12:10.

The two lads lock up and it’s a fast-paced beat-em-up match, the two luchas giving it loads and doing a great job of hitting the spots early including a high dropkick, a missed dropkick, a jackknife cover and a roll-through in quick succession. Cole says that the Falls Count Anywhere matches are designed to end rivalries and JBL agrees, saying that the fact that it can end in a parking lot is reason enough. I don’t understand.

Rey gets to the top rope and Chavo pops up beside him, the two men hitting each other. “Eddie! Eddie!” chants rise up as Chavo turns to the cameraman and tell him to move as he sets Rey up for a powerbomb to the outside. It takes some time as Chavo has difficulty lifting Rey. They punch each other at the same time and the concussive blast knocks both men down. Chavo beats on Rey by the barriers and jaws off to Mysterio as the two men purposely fight down the aisle to the side of the Titantron. Chavo looks about, lifts Rey into a powerbomb position and Rey holds onto the decorations, kicking Chavo and hitting the hurricanrana. They battle to the crowd and Chavo hits a dodgy throw onto the sides of the arena.

Rey reverses Chavo’s Irish whip, throwing him into a barricade and hits a weak leg drop, almost breaking his arse. Chavo is crawling away and Rey hits the running hurricanrana on him. Rey attempts a move of some description and Chavo ends up using him like a baseball bat, hammering him off the barricades and chairs. There are some pin attempts along the way but none are interesting enough to warrant note. Chavo throws Rey into the crowd and they ascend the stairs together. The fans are reaching out, grabbing them and the men are getting too close to the crowd. Mysterio hits the seated senton, hitting the cameraman.

Chavo hits Rey with a huge clothesline and they are making their way around the ring, moving constantly. JBL and Cole argue on the mic. Fuck up, boys. Rey is thrown into the barricades and Rey hits the 619 on Chavo around the barricade. We are getting dangerously close to a high-flying move and it comes as Rey hits a dodgy cross-body and gets the pin in 12:10.

2016 comments:

Garbage wrestling, improvised and called on the fly. Not great and no memorable spots.

2006 comments:

The crowd make this match and I must say, if I were there, the thirty seconds where I could see the match would make it all worth it.

Grade: C

Rey beats on Chavo as the match finishes but Vicky is there to protect him. Where did she come from? Those Guerreros are amazing. Replays of the 619 and the cross-body that finished the match. Vicky screeches like a woman possessed.

Cut to a promo for The Marine. We have Ric Flair for some reason. We see all the stars bigging up the armed forces. One of the marines says that John Cena’s catchphrase is, “don’t quit,” which is shit.

Cut to Cole talking bollocks as usual. JBL likes to talk a bit of shite as well.

Regal’s music hits and the real man’s man walks to the ring, quite besmirched. He is introduced as Sir William Regal. Great.

The crowd pops once and Benoit’s music hits. When [REDACTED] comes out, he actually smiles. What? A smile from the Rabid Wolverine? I love Benoit. I hate what he did but by God he was a great wrassler.

Chris Benoit def. William Regal via submission in 11:16.

Benoit and Regal lock up, with the crowd already chanting Benoit’s name. Regal is a wonderful, old school wrestler and the two work fantastically together. The two fall to the mat and begin arms locks and knee strikes. Benoit paces after Regal, following him around the ring like a predator. JBL states that, “Benoit has no real flaws,” which I mostly agree with. He has little personality and is terrible on the mic. Essentially, he’s a murderous Lance Storm.

Test of strength from the two men after a bunch of two-counts followed by a wonderful kip-up by Regal and leg-scissors by Benoit. This is a true wrasslin’ match. Benoit hits some brutal chops before German suplexing Regal. Benoit headbutts Regal and hits the second German suplex. Benoit goes to the top rope, busting Regal open (or at least further busting Regal open). Regal is on the apron and threatens to suplex Benoit to the outside of the Wolverine sneaks out and grabs Regal from behind, teasing the German to the outside. Benoit takes a dodgy fall to the ground followed by a close two-count, broken by his foot on the rope.

Regal is in control now, squeezing the life from Benoit. Benoit fights back and attempts the Sharpshooter. Cole says, “Take note, MVP,” and it is annoying how much he has become a butt monkey in the last few minutes. Regal gets Benoit in an abdominal stretch but the Canuck fights back with some brutal chops in the corner on Regal’s wound. The Englishman fights back with double throwing suplexes and attempts an STF, which Benoit reverses into an armbar but Regal has his foot on the ropes. Regal goes for the surfboard and choke combo. Benoit is… bleeding from the mouth, somehow.

Benoit breaks the hole and we have some full nelson reversals followed by a full nelson suplex and a slow, laborious move into the Crippler Crossface, which Regal taps out in instantly in 11:16.

2016 comments:

As a wrasslin’ match, it was fantastic. Lots of reversals, great interconnecting moves and a wonderful Regal kip-up. As a wrestling match, however, it has no psychology and was a little slow but both men went over clean and Regal barely cheated.

2006 comments:

You’d know the main event is coming up next.

Grade: A-

Benoit holds in the submission hold until the ref tells him not to. Regal leaves the ring as Benoit gets a standing ovation and Cole and JBL sing praises to our man Chris Benoit. JBL tells him to “go to the back, find MVP and call him out.”

On the Card will return on October 30 with the fourth and final part of No Mercy 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #2. Judgment Day 2006 (May 21, 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on May 21, 2006, the PPV Judgement Day aired. It was a Smackdown event and the calibre of matches and their content are drastically different to what we have now. Personally, it came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs and I remember this one well. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Judgement Day 2006

This PPV had no tagline, which is a nice way for the Fed to say that they didn’t give a rat’s ass about the damn show, which makes sense as Smackdown was (and still is) considered to be the B-Show with Raw being the A-Show. Not that the show is entirely populated by untalented wrestlers. If you look at the card, we have Benoit, Angle, Undertaker and Rey Mysterio… but we also have Cunt Bradshaw, Mark Henry and The Great Khali. The Lord giveth and he taketh away, especially now that Vince McMahon has defeated him in a tag contest (though God forfeited by leaving the arena).

The PPC starts with the Ruthless Aggression opener showing wrasslin’ through the ages. It moves into some wicked bible quotes. Can’t help but love a show that starts with bible quotes. You know they’re mean the business when Leviticus and the lads are involved. Who is it they’re pulling on today? Is it Matthew? Luke? I like a bit of Psalms now and again.

No, it’s Job 19:29. Wouldn’t be my choice, personally, but I can see how people would like it. Let’s give it a read… “…FEAR the sword; for wrath will bring PUNISHMENT by the sword, and then you will know that there is JUDGEMENT.”

Nice stuff. Personally, I think they just chose any old quote with the word “Judgment” in it, but then again, I spell it “Judgement” so I’m not really one to pick holes at things.

Fade to black and we see all the lads look dead serious and stare middle distance. The narrator asks if we are able to fulfil promises, dreams etc. It’s bigging up the Khali vs. Taker match, Angle vs. Henry, Lashley vs. T. Bradshaw was just a deplorable arse when he was heeling it up. He’s never really lived that down or grown out of it. It took Jerry Lawler years to stop being a dick on commentary and I suppose Bradshaw will get there eventually. But until then, fuck him.

CGI intro of lots of blades and chains and guillotines and so on. Looks like an awesome into to some medieval Doom clone. Some brilliant music from our boys Killswitch Engage. Michael Cole and Taaaaazz at ringside. Tazz wearing sunglasses indoors and Michael Cole with a depressing moustache. Cut to the Spanish announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Savinovich always looks like he has memorised a bunch of Spanish words and is just waiting for Cabrera to stop talking so he can spout them off. This month, it is “brutaaaal!”

Papparazzi come out and the red carpet is laid out for Cameron’s favourite wrestler, Melina. She is followed by Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, MNM. The lads are wearing fur coats with LEDs on them stating their names. Better than his and hers bathrobes, I suppose. They are also the Tag Team champions, although they’re giving those belts to anyone these days. Tazz pervs over Melina’s entrance to the ring. Is it necessary to have one lecherous announcer? Is that written into the very fabric of announcing? There’s an awful lot of choreography from Melina. She can’t just choose one pose, she pulls about sixty.

Paul London and Brian Bendrick’s music hits and the two masked loons sprint down to the ring right and hit stereo backflips. Very impressive. Music is shite, though. London and Kendrick are wearing PVC pants too big for them. Doesn’t Nitro look like British Bulldog? He does.

Tag Team Championship Match: Paul London and Brian Kendrick def. MNM (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro) (c) w/ Melina via pinfall in 13:43

Maggle Cole says 15,000 people in attendance. Bulldog Nitro screaming at London whilst nothing happens in the ring. Great running the ropes followed by Nitro tripping onto his face like a goon. London and Kendrick doing the revolving door of tag teams followed by a close two-count. Bulldog Mercury is in and gets a great hip toss onto his arse for another close two-count.

London is in and the two men in red parachute pants hit a beautiful hip toss followed by a crap elbow. Nitro and Mercury run to the outside and London and Kendrick hit a grrrreat suicide dive to the outside. Kendrick can’t remember which of the two men is legal and after a wee chat to them both, throws Bulldog Mercury in. Missed crossbody and Nitro is in control. Mercury is tagged in and Melina is screaming like a harpy. Big boos from the crowd, and for good reason. The referee is distracted and Melina gets London in head scissors on the apron. Ohhh! What a bitch!

London and Mercury run the ropes and bop heads. Nitro and Kendrick tag in and Kendrick runs roughshod over everyone with a bunch of missile dropkcicks, only to be knocked down with a Snapshot (elevated DDT). Melina has another ear-piercing screech and it’s only a two count as London breaks it up. A bunch of close counts as Kendrick is being held down by Nitro. Lots of rest holds too, with the match entering its seventh minute and both teams gassed. Kendrick gets a roll-up but Mercury is gabbing with the ref. Double leg drop and MNM are back in control.

Kendrick gets a delayed vertical suplex from Mercury, one that hurts his shoulder. With the dreads and the pink skin, the suplex just makes Mercury into a mini Bulldog each and every second. Melina lays some boots into Kendrick after some close counts, but the ref doesn’t see it. Nitro is tagged in and lays into Kendrick some more. This poor guy has taken a beating and the crowd are ready for some hot tag action. Mercury is back in, despite is sore shoulder and Melina talks away to herself. Lots of shots of the crowd reacting as well, it’s all very nice. Kendrick fights back and the crowd is with him. Mercury gets an accidental boot from his own partner and London is tagged in.

Standard hot tag fare here – London hits a bunch of punches, shoulder barges, irish whips etc, building momentum. He’s quickly double teamed but reverses it into a double clothesline and gets a close two-count. Nitro grabs him from behind and London hits a great dropsault – missile dropkick into a moonsault. He’s about to get the pin and then Melina jumps into the ring with her harpy scream. Why she isn’t sent out is beyond me. Kendrick is in and does a great suicide dive outside but Melina pushes Nitro out of the way. Nitro grabs London from the apron and – you can see this coming a mile off – Mercury goes to punch London but he ducks and bops his partner instead. Roll up and London and Kendrick get the pin in 13:43.

2016 comments:

It was an okay match as far as tag matches go. Some good tense moments here and there, but it was too formulaic. London and Kendrick came across as the underdogs and so you knew that the hot tag was coming and how good it was going to be. They didn’t win because they were the best, they won because they made the tag team champions hit each other by mistake.

2006 comments:

Fuck off, Melina.

Grade: C

MNM look so upset in the ring as London and Kendrick escape like cowards. Good job of selling the face win there, Fed. Big boos as the heels are left in the ring. Melina is upset as Maggle says that he is enjoying it. Melina beats on Mercury and he hits back. She slaps him and he grabs her wrist. Nitro beats on Mercury and now we don’t know who is face and heel as Melina kicks her defender in the face! Then the ref gets a boot between the legs. What the fuck is happening here? Should we like Nitro because he fought back against Heel Melina? Or should we like Melina and Nitro because they beat up Woman-Beating Mercury? The crowd are chanting, “Teddy! Teddy!” as Theodore Long, Esq. makes his way to the ring, only to be pushed on his arse.

Bit of a promo for the Lashley vs. T match later on this evening. Maggle says that the King of the Ring match (the very one that Bobby and Booker are in later) has catapulted superstars to elite status, which is not really a true fact. The winners of the KotR include Randy Savage, Bret Hart and Stone Cold, but also include Mabel (Big Daddy V) and Bad News Barrett, who the Fed love so much that they just fired, just over a year after he was crowned King of the Ring. We see Bret Hart beat Bam Bam Bigelow. Then we see the King of the Ring throne, sceptre, robe etc.

Music hits and The Rabid Wolverine, Chris Benoit (who?) arrives down the Tron, covered in REDACTED and CENSORED signs. Not really, but that’s what the Fed wants from the murder-suicider. Which is fair enough, considering what he done, but (and this might come as a bit of a peculiar thing to say) Benoit was a fucking good wrestler. He had problems, yes, and it’s a shame that they only came to light after the deaths of his family, but let’s not take away that the man was brilliant at the job that finally killed him.

He’s billed from Atlanta, Georgia, despite the fact that he is clearly Canadian. Wolverine was Canadian. Finlay’s music hits and my neighbour Fit Finlay comes down with his shillelagh. Benoit is roidy Magoo here, but he had turned 39 the day before, so he’s allowed a bit of human growth hormone with his cake, surely.

Chris Benoit def. Finlay via submission in 21:10.

Benoit’s big barrel chest looks so unnatural. Little Naitch Charles Robinson is the referee today and he’s watching these two men walk each other about the ring. Maggle is telling Tazz about how good a wrassler Benoit is as the two men go to the outside, walking each other about for a while. Benoit can’t seem to be able to close his mouth. The two men stand nose to nose and butt heads for a while before Benoit goes for the legs. This match is set to be a great mat-based match, which is not exciting to watch, really, but can build the suspense so much.

Benoit is in control and has Finlay on the ground. Benoit is a great face here, like Stone Cold, one that is so near to being a thug. Finlay pretends that Benoit thumbed his eye and uses the distraction to get the jump on Benoit. Final is in control now, getting a short-lived “Finlay sucks!” chant. Both Finlay and Benoit have gaps in their teeth, which makes sense as they’re both rough bastards. Finlay is shouting at Benoit and finally the Wolverine takes over, battering the shite out of my neighbour. Great backbreaker and a two-count. This is real wrestling, not the type of wrestling I got into back in the day, but one that I like now. Big rest hold, though, super long. Shame on Benoit.

The thing is, these two men really excel in using their strength and expertise to win the match. Finlay takes a shot to Benoit’s eye and a couple of pins for the two-count. Finlay gets Benoit in some sort of odd arm-stretch/head/neck/twist-combo. Some lad in the crowd goes absolutely mental. Finlay turns it into some legal-choke move where he uses Benoit’s own arm to choke him with it. Benoit fights out of it, goes for the elbow drop and misses. Finlay is back in control. Benoit’s trunks say 4 REAL, which is X-TREME. He goes for the flying headbutt and misses. The two men lie about for a while.

Benoit goes for the sharpshooter and Finlay escapes, jumping to the outside to get a chair. Benoit does a mental baseball slide, cracking Finlay in his nuts. He hits the flying headbutt and only gets a two-count. Finlay fights back and Irish whips Benoit into the turnbuckle, followed by an odd neck-hold into a pin that gets a two. Finlay roars, “Count faster!” to the ref. Lots of neck hits and Benoit’s lip is bust a bit, but no blood. Finlay sits on Benoit and apparently it’s a good move. The match has become slow-paced strikes instead of mat-based now and the crowd are chanting away. Maggle tells us that the fans are “jacked up tonight!” Just like Benoit, then.

Lots of shots of the crowd having a good time. I’ve never seen so many reaction shots of the crowd. Obviously the editor wants to show people having a good time. Either that or someone is farting around on the hard cam. Finlay is still in control and annoying Benoit by kicking his head. This is going to backfire!

And it does as Benoit slaps my neighbour but Finlay fights back and pretty soon Benoit is down. The tension has been lost in the match. Finlay gets a “Finlay sucks!” chant and another close two-count. The crowd is bored now. Benoit has lost his teeth. He is probably going to have a big comeback, a lucky break and that will lead to the win. Like clockwork, Benoit gets Finlay into two German suplexes followed by an enziguri that knocks Finlay outside. He goes for the shillelagh and it is knocked away by Benoit and turned into another German suplex to the floor. Little Naitch begins to count.

Finlay is on the apron and Benoit suplexes him in, followed by two more. Maggle reminds us that this is something Eddie did. Benoit goes to the turnbuckle but Finlay is up and fighting back. Benoit is outside and Finlay barrels him into the barricade. They go back into the ring and, with little tension, Benoit gets Finlay in the crossface for the tapout in 21:10.

2016 comments:

The start of this match was probably the most tense I have felt watching a wrestling match in years. So good. It devolves into something less impressive later and the end-up is that the match as a whole is underwhelming. We didn’t get the Frog Splash that Benoit was hinting to. As soon as Benoit went for the crossface, he got it and Finlay tapped out in less than a second. If the end of the match had the same tension as the beginning, it would have been amazing. As such, it was okay.

2006 comments:

I love Benoit. I hope he wrestles forever.

Grade: B

The crowd go bananas as Benoit celebrates. This was a feud match, so his win means nothing in the long run. Tazz tells us that, “you can bet your bottom dollar that Benoit respects Finlay after that,” which is nonsense because Finlay did nothing but cheat the entire match. Why would anyone respect that? Benoit, all hopped up on muscles and butt injections, looks like a monster in the ring.

Cut to a reminder of WrestleMania 22 and the great matches. You can buy a DVD of it, if you want. It blanks out Vince’s middle finger, but not the blood.

Jillian Hall ties her boots and we see the beginning of the feud as Melina and her fight over the makeup table. Chriiiiist.

Jillian comes out to a big pop. Her shoulders are back and she looks thrilled to be here. Cut to Superstar Billy Graham in the audience, who looks like he might have haemorrhoids. Melina comes out with Nitro, who instantly goes to Jillian and shouts at her. The ref spends no time in removing him, which is something he should have done back in the first match!

Jillian Hall def. Melina via pinfall in 04:18.

This is a match that should not happen. Neither of these women are talented enough to have any sort of match at all (even if one of them is half of Cameron’s favourite match ever). The entire point of women’s wrestling is to show women wrestling. It is not for titillation any more as we have the internet. It is not to fulfil some feral love for catfighting as we have had the Jerry Springer show for months. Neither of these women are good wrestlers. They should not be given the airtime.

The match is just lots of rest holds and complaining. The crowd wolf whistles. Botched Irish whip and Melina screams. Melina hits the double-knees to Jillian (something that Sasha banks does now) and hits a Bret’s-rope-double-axe-handle-nothing. Face to the turnbuckle. Crap roll-up. Jillian wins.

2016 comments:

I’ve said enough.

2006 comments:

I’ll get myself a cup of tea then, I guess.

Grade: F.

This sham of a match is made even worse by the fact that the pin is contested by Melina because she grabbed the rope. And the feud between two crap women continues. Crystal is there on the ramp, ready to ask Melina a question. She takes almost exactly one minute to ask her this question: “It hasn’t been a good night for you, has it?” This is, apparently, a question that is on “each and everyone’s mind here tonight.” Melina replies with, “you bitch!” and the two fight. I’ll go get myself another cup of tea then, I guess.

When I come back from my cup of tea, Cunt JBL is there, being a cunt as usual. JBL bigs up Rey, saying that he defeated Khali, Kane and Mark Henry, which is something that no one should be proud of, even someone two feet tall like Rey. JBL shouts off camera at someone and it’s Chavo Guerrero Jr! JBL drops Eddie’s name (Eddie died about six months earlier and his name was still being used to generate heat). Chavo’s lines are hidden behind the deafening roars of the audience.

On the Card will return on May 28th with the second part of Judgment Day 2006.