Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 1

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #19 One Night Stand – June 3, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 3, 2007, One Night Stand 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February. Unlike the other One Night Stand PPVs, which were ECW PPVs, this one was tri-branded and had Raw, Smackdown and ECW matches on the card. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE One Night Stand 2007

Extreme Rules

Back to the taglines. Good job, Fed. I’m proud of you. The poster is Bobbly Lashley looking ticked off, with red and white lights on him, like he’s doing a poop.

The promo package tells us that the only rules tonight are the extreme rules… which means gimmicked matches. Oh that’s nice. We have a Falls Count Anywhere match between Cena and Khali, Vince and Bobby in a Street Fight match, Batista and Edge in a cage match. How many of those people were in ECW? Nooooone. Fantastic. There’s also a ladder match, a tables match, a stretcher match, a lumberjack match and a pudding match on the cards. This super-gimmicked event was changed to Extreme Rules later, but it still sucks. Quit forcing good wrestlers into shit matches. No one cares about a cage match because you do one once every three weeks. Chill out with the fuckin’ cages.

Raw, ECW and Smackdown present WWE’s One Night Stand and we are welcomed into the Jacksonville Veterans Memorial Arena in Jacksonville, Florida by our announce team, Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler for Raw, Joey Styles and Tazz for ECW and Cunt JBL and Moustache Maggle Cole for Smackdown. They spit out one liners and pre-written nonsense as 7,000 fans cheer along with the 186,000 at home (a massive drop from the 304,000 from One Night Stand 2006). It’s not in the ECW arena, we have no ECW fans here, this may as well have been called WWE Super Best Show ’07.

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Santino Marella and Chris Masters. That seems fair.)

Mid ring, the announcer introduces the rules of the first match: A stretcher match where you need to put your opponent on a stretcher and roll them over the finish line.

Old Randers Orton has his music playing as he strolls to the ring, hits the legend killer pose and cuts to a promo featuring Randy and RVD. Rob was ticked off that Orton would treat Shawn Michaels so badly at the last PPV, Judgment Day. We see a twisted, slow motion replay of Randy RKOing RVD a lot. Orton looks at the stretcher. Yep, it’s a stretcher.

Farty pyro and the whole fucking show comes down, Rob Van Dam. I just realised that the tron is covered in chairs and tables and ladders and all sorts of shit.

Stretcher Match: Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam.

I’ve changed up the titles of the matches. Putting champion first or in order of appearance.

Randy and Robbie stare at each other for a bit. It’s very sexy. The crowd chant for RVD because Orton is a bit of a prick. Rob stabs Randy in the chest and goes for his “Rob! Van! Dam!” spot but boots Randy before he can finish. JR reminds us – as RVD boots Randy in the face – that neither men care for pinfalls or submissions in this match. They care only for the stretcher. Lovely ten punch and then monkey flip from RVD. Crowd chant some more. Randy is taking a pummelling in the opening minutes of this matchup. Let’s see how this works out. RVD attempts a run into the corner, Randy stops him but gets a wee kick in the head for his efforts. Another Irish Whip, another reversal and another kick to the jaw.

Randy misses a punch and gets a punch to the jaw. Randy gets a lucky shot in and Van Dam sells it like death. RVD acts like has no idea what the hell is happening and Randy attempts an RKO but gets a boot in the face. RVD goes to the top rope, misses and falls off. Is it real? Is it Kayfabe? We do not know. Randy takes over, though, and lifts Rob up, giving him a bit of a beating and a standing dropkick to the face. Great shot. This is the opening match and the pace is super slow. Not impressive, lads, I expect better. JR and King put RVD over but it isn’t helping. Rob sells every move from Randy. Orton tries to roll Rob out but he holds onto the bottom rope, denying it.

The ref checks on RVD, but Orton wastes no time in hitting a lovely suplex, rolling Van Dam out of the ring, onto the stretcher… and off the stretcher. Van Dam does a pair of jumping punches against Orton, suddenly is back to normal and throws Randy into the ringpost. Van Dam is setting up the stretcher and rolls Randy onto it. He then goes to the apron as Jerry goes, “Rob! Just roll him across the finish line!” and hits a stupid spinning dropkick. It looks dumb.

In the ring, RVD gains some steam, attempts to hit Rolling Thunder, is lifted up by Orton into a great powerslam, probably the best of the match so far. Orton is attempting to suplex Van Dam to the outside, but gets a dropkick to his face instead. Van Dam sets up the stretcher and drags Randy over to it, bopping Orton on the head for good measure. Van Dam then goes into the ring – causing Jerry to scream, “Oh! Come on, Rob!” – and hits a lovely suicide senton over the top rope. Randy escapes, however, and RVD’s legs crack off the stretcher. Very painful looking. Randy lifts up Van Dam, pops him onto the stretcher and begins to push it up towards the finish line. RVD sits up, fights back, kicks Randy in the head, dropping him onto the stretcher. All it takes is a tiny push and RVD wins.

Rob Van Dam has defeated Randy Orton by pushing him over the finish line in 14:31.

2017 comments:

Awful opener and it’s all RVD’s fault. He was just terrible. There was no consistency or build-up in his movements. Either he was faking it – in which case he should have telegraphed that to the audience – or he didn’t care less about the match looking good, he just wanted it over and done with as soon as possible. That’s fine. Don’t take fifteen minutes to have a bad match when you can have one in five.

2007 comments:

Ohhh, Rob’s gonna get it.

Grade: D.

Randy is up – obviously both men have forgotten the art of selling – and as the ref announces that RVD has won, Randy hits him from behind. JR quips, “that’s not unusual for Orton to attack people from behind.” Randy goes to the apron and boots RVD in the head – “A brain-rattling kick!” Rob stares ahead. Randy lifts him up, hangs him over the guardrail, dangles him and hits a murderous DDT. One fan shouts, “Holy shit!” on his own. The ref tells Randy to leave but he stares on. Cheeky monkey. EMTs arrive with… another stretcher. JR attempts to piece this together as best he can. Replays of RVD winning the match and Randy’s repercussions.

Cut to the back where Vince is, “shinin’ up [the ECW belt] reeeal nice.” Vince puts together that it is Lashley’s last stand at One Night Stand. He gets real with Shane and says that he feels that something bad might happen to him. Shane is worried that it’s about the match tonight but reminds Vince that both Shane and Umaga will be there.

Back in the ring, the announcer tells us the rules of a tables match. We know the rules. He tells us that the tables are stored below the ring. Thank you.

Shitty cover of Metallica’s Enter Sandman as he arrives through the crowd. He busts himself wide open, walks over the guardrail, opens another beer and a shitty cover of Alice in Chains’ Man in the Box plays as Tommy Dreamer arrives… with a weird titantron video telling us the competitor’s names. So it just says Elijah Burke when he arrives. Hah.

CM Punk rocks out, joining the ECW Originals, despite the fact that he’s never been in the original ECW.

The New Breed appear all at once, walking out to the ring together. Once again, Elijah and Punk square off. Both ECW lads wearing full clothes because God forbid they have muscles.

Tables Match: The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer and CM Punk vs. The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Matt Striker and Marcus Cor Von).

This is a tables match, it’s at an Extreme Rules event and yet Dreamer and Cor Von start off. Why aren’t Sandman and Punk setting up a table? There is no pinfall or submission needed. Just set up a table, walk in, lift the lightest of the lads and toss them outside. What are they going to do? Disqualify you? It’s a tables match!

Elijah Burke jumps in, gets a bulldog from Burke, gives him a flapjack and Sandman hits a hip toss. That man can’t wrestle. Punk is in, rocking Striker with a Bulldog. Punk lifts Striker up for the Bossman Slam as Dreamer hits the elbow. Punk and Dreamer do the Dudleys “Get the tables!” spot and there’s a suicide dive. Sandman uses his Singapore cane without disqualification and there’s a schmoz. Crowd chant for tables. Striker gets a double suplex… but Marcus moves the table before it can happen. Both Burke and Cor Van double team Punk and celebrate for some time. Striker is told to set up the table and he does mid-ring. Both Dreamer and Sandman are down for the count and Striker sets up the table in the corner. Sandman and Dreamer pop in to “save” CM Punk. Sandman goes up for a ten count and is thrown off the turnbuckle. He lands badly. Dreamer hits a lovely spinebuster. Marcus hits Punk with a powerbomb… and misses the table. It was right behind you, bro. Just throw him into it. Marcus sets up Punk carefully on the table and as he goes top rope, Sandman hits him with the cane. Dreamer hits Burke with a piledriver, sets him on the table and Punk superplexes Striker off the top rope.

CM Punk has just put both Matt Striker and Elijah Burke through a table, thus winning the match in 7:18.

2017 comments:

Terrible start, but then it was never going to be a good match. They should have put the weaker wrestlers – Dreamer and Sandman – on the outside and focussed on Punk. If they had changed the rules – no weapons but the tables – then the heels could have sneakily beat on Dreamer and Sandman every time they got up. Five minutes of a beat down on Punk where he occasionally escapes until the New Breed get cocky, set up the table and get fucked by the garbage wrestlers. This was shit at the start, decent at the end.

2007 comments:

How is Sandman still working?

Grade: C.

The “ECW” team cheer at this short match at an old ECW event. Sandman looks happy to be done with it. I don’t know why he’s still working for anyone. He’s very bad.

Cut to the back and Edgy McEdge is lacing his boots when Randal Orton arrives to remind him that they were once friends. He threatens Edge by saying that if Edge beats Batista and Randy gets traded to Smackdown then he’s next. Edge threatens him back. Heel-on-heel action here.

JR says that the locker room isn’t big enough to hold both their egos.

Justin Roberts reminds us of the rules of the ladder match and OH CHRIST THE FUCKING CHAMPS ARE OUT FIRST. Fuck you, Fed. Fat Matt and Mental Jeff Hardy rock down to the ring, clapping hands and being gentlemen. Jeff has a stupid beard.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team – Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas – are out next, taking their time coming to the ring and wearing sunglasses inside like jerkfaces. JR reminds us that – once again – no pinfalls or submissions are necessary to win this. JR doesn’t know how high the belts will be hung.

Ladder Match for the World Tag Team Championship: The Hardys (Matt and Jeff) (c) vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas).

Big “Hardys!” chant as the Hardys gives a lovely double suplex to Haas and leg drop/elbow drop to Shelton. Haas fights back with a double clothesline. All four men get ladders, stare at each other for a while and the Hardys toss them away, dropkick the challengers and set ladders in the turnbuckle to toss Haas into. Then they throw more ladders at him and then Shelton Benjamin to do a lovely Poetry in Motion, tossing the ladders – and Haas – onto Shelton. Jeff tries to climb up but is taken down by Charlie Haas. Both Hardys are on the floor as the crowd chant their name. Matt gives Charlie a lovely electric chair drop from the ladder and both Hardys climb the ladder, pausing for the spot where Shelton tosses a ladder at the ladder and knocks them both off the ladder.

The spotfest continues as Shelton and Charlier do a very weak and unorthodox slingshot into a ladder in the corner. The crowd boo. A polite (but unimpressed) applause would have been better. Hardys stop the World’s Greatest Tag Team from climbing the ladder and they get punished for it. Matt has a ladder pressed against him and then dropkicked. Haas and Benjamin set up the same catapult that hurt Joey Mercury a while ago at Armageddon 2006. Luckily, there does not seem to be a botch here as Shelton is hip tossed onto the ladder and the business end is kept away from Charlie Haas’ face. They do the same to Charlie Haas and just miss the same thing happening to the Hardys. Double clothesline and everyone other than Haas is outside. The Hardys go and get themselves some king-size ladders from outside the ring. Haas (backne and all) is tossed onto a ladder and Matt attempts to suplex Shelton from the inside to the ouside. He is denied this, but seconds later, Matt tosses Shelton out anyways. JR is listing off the injuries sustained as Matt sets Shelton on the ladder lain from the apron to the guardrail. Jeef attempts a Swanton, is denied by Haas who super-belly-to-belly suplexes him into the ring. Matt rocks in, hits the Side Effect, sets up a ladder mid-ring, climbing and reaching for the tag team belts but the World’s Greatest Tag Team knock him off.

Outside, Roidy Hass is attempting to set up a ladder contraption and inside Shelton hits Jeff with a lovely T-Bone suplex. Shelton climbs a ladder mid-ring, blesses himself, jumps out and… hits Matt with his dick, I suppose. JR sells it as his elbow, but it was not his elbow, it was his dick. Haas is up the ladder, miles away from the actual championship and Jeff is up the other side, superplexing Charlie Haas off the ladder, by Christ. “Hardy!” chant rises as Jeff moves the ladder and climbs it super quick, but, predictably, stops at the end. Shelton Benjamin leaps from the apron, fixes a botch mid-spin and still manages to knock Jeff off the ladder. Fair play. Matt tries to toss Shelton off the ladder but Shelton, once again, misses his ropes and Matt has to hit the Twist of Fate to get the heat back.

Two ladders in the ring, Matt is at the top of one, Shelton atop t’other. Their partners climb, both teams at the top of the ladder, Hardys are pushed off and they bounce back to toss the World’s Greatest Tag Team off. Jeff hits a superfluous Swanton and Matt climbs the ladder to get the belts.

Matt Hardy has just collected the Tag Team Belts from atop the ring in 17:17.

2017 comments:

Spotty McSpotfest over here with the spots. Quite good match, one where there is no story, no real selling and just ingenious ways of using the ladders. Most of the spots were new, some weren’t, some didn’t work and none were really highlight reel material, but a good match had by all.

2007 comments:

Do you think the Hardys like painkillers?

Grade: B.

JR stumbles through a quote attempts. “The Hardys have proved that they are no match in a ladder match.” Replays of the life-shortening stunts in the match. Shelton, at one point, lands on a ladder and is lucky that his ankle didn’t pass through a rung and break.

On the Card will return on June 10 2017 with the second part of One Night Stand 2007.

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Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Undertaker wins once again.

Cut to baby Lashley and Bobby Lashley as he talks about being a boy in a military family.

Backstage, we have Vince meeting his granddaughter. In the background, there are picutres of Donald Trump with different hairdos. Vince chastises Stephanie for bringing his granddaughter in. Then he makes faces at the baby and tells her how he’s going to batter Donald Trump. Stephanie is clearly uncomfortable with this. He smells something and tells Stephanie that the child, “just took a Trump.” Hilarious.

Back in the arena, Taz and Joey Styles introduce the ECW Originals. Sandman, RVD, Tommy Dreamer and Sabu rock through the crowd. Sabu hits people left and right. Prick. He actually gets annoyed that fans are trying to touch him.

The New Breed music hits and Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Van, Matt Striker and Kevin Thorn rock down with Ariel and her breasts and teeth. Both teams square off and then split to their separate sides of the ring as the bell goes.

Eight-man tag team match: The ECW Originals (RVD, Tommy Dreamer, Sabu and The Sandman) def. The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Marvus Cor Von, Matt Striker and Kevin Thorn (w/ Ariel)) via pin in 7:27.

Good to see that Vince is giving the ECW lads a payday. Shame it’s in a n eight-man tag governed by Fed rules as opposed to ECW rules and it’s for less than ten minutes in the dead zone after an Undertaker match.

Sabu and Striker to start off. Big punches from Striker. Sabu bounces off the ropes, hitting jumps. Sandman is tagged in, hits a shitty leg drop, attempts the pin and Marcus breaks it. Elijah jumps in, Tommy pops in and double elbows to Elijah. Ariel shows everyone her bum. Marcus comes in and punches the shite out of Tommy followed by a double underhook suplex. Elijah jumps in and they hit a double back body drop. Elijah hits the double knees in the corner and Sabu breaks up the pin. Kevin Thorn is in next, knocking Dreamer down and hammering away on him with a lovely wee headlock. Kevin hits a lovely sit-out powerbomb and Sabu, once again, breaks the pin. Marcus is in next, hits a nice suplex and cover. More headlocks. More Ariel bum.

Marcus hits Sandman and Tommy hits a double reverse DDT/neckbreaker to Elijah and Marcus. Both men aim for the hot tag and Striker and RVD go in. RVD cleans house. Striker gets a boot to the face, goes for the Frog Splash, kicks Kevin in the face, hits a rolling monkey flip followed by Rolling Thunder and Marcus knocks RVD down. Sabu jumps over the top ropes and everyone hits their specials. RVD goes top rope, hits the Five Star Frog Splash and the pin in 7:27.

2017 comments:

High-paced nothing match where no one stood out and Sandman did nothing.

2007 comments:

ECW is around forever.

Grade: D

I can imagine that Sandman is happy he has enough money to pay for his drugs for the next week.

Stone Cold young boy promo where a bald kid pours milk on himself.

Promo for WrestleMania 24 in Orlando.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduce Thomas “The Hitman” Hearns. Wait. What? Another hitman?

Jim tells us that the Battle of the Billionaires is up next. Vince vs. Cunt President. I bet a lot of celebrities are regretting being involved with this, The Rock included, as they suck up to Donald. Donald drops money on people. Vince brings Umaga, the until-recently-undefeated Samoan Bulldozer. Trump picks boring old Bobbo Lasher. Apparently, this is crazy, so they bring in someone sensible to keep the peace: Stone Cold. Bet he’s regretting that something shocking. Vince shaves Eugene’s head and Donal hits a weak-wristed slap.

Fuck this promo package, fuck this match and fuck that cunt president.

Lilian attempts to read the rules, messes up and a barber shop comes to the ring with its own music.

Vince’s music hits and down he comes to the ring, big swagger on him. The Miss Teen USA, Miss USA and Miss Universe all give the thumbs down. Vince mimes cutting hair. Brilliant sign that says, “Arrive, Shave Head, Leave.”

Intercontinental Champion Umaga arrives with Armando Alejandro Estrada. He walks past the barbershop and stares intently at it. Vince does a wee pantomime for Umaga. JR just wanks Vince off on the commentary, talking about how amazing he is.

Cunt President Donald Trump comes out to the Money in the Bank theme song, funnily. He’s accompanied by Miss USA or someone and has a really long intro. He gives the fingers to the camera as well. Arsehole. Worse than an arsehole. He is the divil. At the time, though, I thought that Trump was hilarious. He’s throwing up the fist as well, powerfist. In retrospect, of course, it’s a white power fist.

Which makes it even funnier that his champion is ECW champion, Bobbo Lasher. The pyro hits, giving him a golden shower. JR calls him, “No nonsense,” which is a nice way of saying, “boring”. When Trump came down, money cascaded from the ceiling, similar to how it did in WrassleMania 32 with Shane. I don’t know if it’s real money – probably not – but one person in the crowd – maybe a plant – has a legit $100 bill. Bobbo’s pyro hits and he hugs Cunt Trump. There’s a Northern Irish flag in the crowd.

Glass shatters. Stone Cold Steven Austin, the special guest referee, comes down to the ring. What a fucking legend. He’s looking a bit chubby, though, but he has been out of the game for five years by this point. He goes to all four turnbuckles and throws up the fingers, jawing off to the crowd. What a guy. He checks the ring ropes. Good man. His music finishes and Stone Cold tells Cunt Trump to fuck off. JR calls Cunt Trump, “one of the unique mysteries of mankind.”

Hair vs. Hair match with Stone Cold Steve Austin as special guest referee: Bobby Lashley (with Cunt President Trump) def. Umaga (with Vince McMahon and Armando Alejandro Estrada) via pin in 13:00.

Stone Cold rings the bell before both men are in the ring. Cheeky rascal. Umaga runs straight for Bobby and the two punch each other until Bobby is thrown back. Stone Cold counts in the corner, asks for a rope break and drags Bobby back when he doesn’t break the ropes. The pair square off for a pop from the crowd. Bobby goes top rope and hits a shoulder barge. He goes to get the pin and would have gotten it – really, Umaga? A three count from a shoulder barge? – but Armando Alejandro Estrada puts his foot on the ropes. C’mon. Bobby takes umbrage to this and drags Estrada into the ring. This spot should have been left until later on in the match. It’s a dumb spot. Bobby hits a running powerslam on Estrada and chucks him out of the ring. Umaga runs for Bobbo but he pulls the rope down and Umaga flies over. Bobby punches the shite out of Umaga mid-ring and Bobby runs at him, getting side-stepped and a slap on his arse from Umaga as he flies through the ropes.

Umaga splashes Bobby mid-ring and chokes him after a failed pin attempte. Austin slaps Umaha when he doesn’t break the count and the pair square off. Umaga goes back to choke Bobby, once again he does not break the count after five so Stone Cold pulls on Umaga’s hair. That’s three square-offs that Stone Cold has had this match. Umaga drops on Bobby from Bret’s rope. He does it twice. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop on Lasher and drops the boot into his chest. Lashley lifts Umaga up for a body slam but can’t hold him and Umaga falls on him for a pin. Vince goes to the apron and Bobby knocks him off, getting a Russian leg sweep for his effort. Umaga goes top rope but Bobby throws him off, followed by a Rikishi-style sell for a clothesline from Bobby. Wonderful.

Stone Cold starts the ten count and gets to nine before stopping, walking about the ring, telling them to get up and fight. Shane comes out to help his dad. Good old Shaneo-Mac. Bobby takes a great right hand from Umaga and the pair of them have a wee chat in the corner. Once again, Stone Cold forcefully removes Umaga from Lasher and Shane comes up for the distraction. Stone Cold chases him away and takes a Samoan Spike to the throat, rolling out of the ring. Cut to Cunt Trump, who doesn’t know what the fuck is happening and just says, “Bobby!” over and over. Cunt, cunt, cunt.

Shane is in the ring, helping Umaga. Vince is dead happy. Shane hits his Shane Shuffle, gets caught for a belly-to-belly but Umaga saves him. Umaga hits Bobby with his arse. Vince takes out a trashcan and chucks it to Shane – good catch, brother. Shane gets up to set up Coast-to-Coast, points to Cunt Trump and hits the trashcan into Bobbo’s face. No pop for the Coast-to-Coast, though. Shane removes his shirt and – oh God! – he has a referee’s shirt on! Cheeky rascal. Umaga goes to the top rope to hit a Samoan splash but Austin is up, pulling Shane out of the ring before he can finish the count. On the way back into the ring, Stone Cold is knocked to the floor. Cut to cunt Trump: “What’s going on over here?”

Cunt Trump attacks Vince, knocking him to the ground… for no reason. Umaga attempts to hit the Samoan Spike on Stone Cold but Austin ducks it, hits the Stunner and Bobby hits the spear for the pin in thirteen minutes.

2017 comments:

Great, fun match but Cunt Trump, so it balances out to be a shite match.

2007 comments:

I hope to never see Cunt Trump again.

Grade: Defies grading due to Stone Cold and Cunt Trump balancing each other out.

Vince pantomimes his disdain. He slowly makes his way to the barbershop. His eyes lock with Stone Cold and Austin rolls out, grabs Vince and drags him into the ring. He points at Vince, he gets an attack from Shane and gets a Lou Thesz Press and the bionic elbow followed by a stunner to win back his heat. Stone Cold’s music hits. Vince is trying to escape and as Stone Cold raises Bobby and Cunt Trump’s hands, Vince looks mighty pleased with himself. Bobby tears after him, lifts Vince and carries him back to the ring. The chair is set up in the ring. Stone Cold his standing behind Vince and McMahon leans back, touches Austin’s bald head, gets a Stunner.

Vince is strapped in and Cunt Trump raises the razor in triumph. Both Bobby and Cunt Trump shave Vince’s head. The whole thing lasts about a minute. Lasher gets the foam and a legit razor to shave McMahon’s head. Stone Cold sips a beer. The crowd is dead. Some music plays, “Bald Headed Blues.” McMahon looks around like an idiot and shows Vince his head all bald. Bobby’s music hits, Stone Cold gets the beers and the three of them celebrate. Cunt Trump doesn’t chug it. I thought Cunt Trump didn’t drink. Stone Cold stunners him and his music hits. Good man yourself, Stone Cold. Replays are shown. I am glad to be done with this segment. It is interesting to see if WWE reference this at any point over the next wee while considering Cunt President.

On the Card will return on April 22 2017 with the fourth and final part of WrestleMania 23.

Ruthless Aggression #14. Royal Rumble (Jan 28, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Brilliant Cena match. Fair play to the pair of them.

Backstage, Sandman interrupts Coach and the rest of them. Takes a number, takes a drink, busts himself open with his cane and leaves. Ric Flair comes in and Kelly Kelly mutters a line. The lights dim and Layla comes in and dances. Shite, shite, shite.

Back in the Arena we have Jerry, Cunt and Moustache and they are  – regrettably – announcing the Rumble.

Promo showing the last twenty years of the Royal Rumble, from Hogan and Warrior to Kane dominating, to Trips and Shawn winning, to The Rock’s fantastic win in 2000 and Stone Cold clearing house in 1997. We see Vince win, [REDACTED] Benoit win, Mysterio win. Apparently it’s a star-studded Rumble. I’ll be the judge of that. Shawn Michaels is in it. Edge is in it. Kenny is in it. Benoit, Khali, Kane, Booker, Taker, all participants.

Lillian Garcia looks like a car. She reminds us of the rules, but, c’mon, we know the rules, girl.

A question I have is… does the winner fight Cena or the champ in their own brand? That’s not explained.

Ric Flair’s music hits and out he comes, fresh from his dance twenty seconds ago. He was number 3 in 1992. He almost lasted an hour back then. Doubt he’s going to last that long.

Then Finlay’s music hits and the crowd go mild. Little Naitch tells him that he can’t have the shillelagh. The pair of them square off and the Rumble begins.

The 2007 Royal Rumble.

A First Challenger Appears: Ric Flair.

A Second Challenger Appears: Fit Finlay.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Finlay tosses Flair to the ground and they get into the corner together. Finlay slaps Flair and the Nature Boy returns it, getting big “Woo!”s from the crowd. Flair gets a back body drop and Finlay lifts Flair up, tries to toss him out and gets a rake in the eye.

A Third Challenger Appears: Kenny Dykstra.

Twenty years old, it’s our boy Spirit Squad Kenny. Flair goes straight for him. Lots of slaps which Finlay stops. Kenny boots Flair and Finlay tries to get Kenny out. Kenny gets back in and there are more slaps and punches in the corner.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Matt Hardy.

He’s in twice tonight! Fat Matt Hardy, holding the old jaw and going straight for Kenny, hitting the Side Effect and almost kicking Kenny out. Flair and Finlay in one corner and no eliminations yet. The competitors have paired off but once again, Kenny holds Flair and the partners swap as Finlay and Matt tussle. Lots more chops from Flair.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Edge.

Here we go, a talented wrassler. Out he comes, sprinting to the ring, spearing Flair, spearing Finlay, goes for Matt who skips out of the way and hits the Twist of Fate. Flair is outside, he’s under the ring, he’s got a steel chair – legal but only as long as he introduces it during the match as opposed to before it. Edge grabs Flair and the crowd boo as he gets tossed out.

Ric Flair has been eliminated by Edge in 5:40.

Kenny and Edge high five and as Dykstra does the Flair dance, Edge tosses him out.

Kenny Dykstra has been eliminated by Edge in 4:05.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Tommy Dreamer.

No time to mourn the Spirit Squad boy. It’s time for Tommy. He runs in, the crowd chant “ECW!” and he gets Edge in the tree of woe, baseball slides him and is knocked down by Finlay. Four men in the ring now. Both Tommy and Edge are about to be thrown out but no dice. We’re going to see lots of that shite.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Sabu.

Oh fuck. Here’s Botchy McCan’tmanoeuver. He runs to the ring, grabs a table from below first, sets it up outside the ring, goes straight for Tommy. Sabu hits the springboard crossbody and does it again but Dreamer hits the weak punch and gets him mid-air. More “holding on the ring rope” spots.

An Eighty Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

He comes in, goes for Matt and Finlay is almost thrown out. Six men in, all in pairs, nothing exciting happening and none of them are winners, really. Sabu is getting chants and goes for Helms, ready to toss him out.

A Ninth Challenger Appears: Shelton Benjamin.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team member 1 is in. He tries to toss out Tommy and fails. He tries to toss out Matt and fails. People waste time here as Finlay tries to toss Shelton out. Both men hold on. Matt tries to help and fails. We have Sabu/Tommy and Greg/Edge. Matt is trying to suplex Shelton out.

A Tenth Challenger Appears: Kane.

Big pop for the pyro from Kane. He holds the record for knocking the most people out at 11 until Roman Reigns beat him. But fuck Reigns. Kane hits the tiltawhirl Bossman slam, chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy out.

Tommy Dreamer has been eliminated by Kane in 6:41.

Tommy has the record for lasting the longest before being eliminated, but obviously that must be beaten tonight. Sabu has Kane on the ropes. He tries to clothesline him out, lands on the apron and Kane chokeslams him out, through the table.

Sabu has been eliminated by Kane in 5:28.

The announcers say that Kane is the favourite now.

An Eleventh Challenger Appears: CM Punk.

Out he comes! The up and comer! He goes straight for Edge and Cunt JBL calls him boring because he’s straight edge. Finlay almost tosses him out, but fails. CM Punk gives Edge a wee knee to the face. Finlay has been in for over fifteen minutes, which is fourteen minutes too long, being honest with you. Final lifts Punk over but fails.

A Twelfth Challenger Appears: King Booker.

Sharmell is with him! Yo! He takes his time to come in, starts on Helms and beats him like a government mule, tossing him out.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by King Booker in 6:50.

Well done, Hurrcicane, you beat Tommy by nine seconds. Seven men in the ring and all of them wasting time. Cole tells us of all the brands but fuck the brands.

A Thirteeth Challenger Appears: Super Crazy

It’s Super Crazy! He’s going in and goes after the tough guys and gets beaten down almost instantly. More wasting time here with everyone holding onto ropes. Finlay almost goes out and Shelton Benjamin is in trouble but survives.

A Fourteenth Challenger Appears: Jeff Hardy.

Both Hardys! They double team Finlay, they double team Edge! They double team Super Crazy! They botch that, though. They double Team Kane, but he gets them in the old double chokeslam and they hit back with Poetry in Motion.

A Fifteenth Challenger Appears: Sandman.

Here he is, coming down the crowd, spraying beer over someone who works there, like a goose. He comes in, Singapore cane in hang and busts both Hardys and Crazy before Booker tosses him out.

Sandman has been eliminated by Booker T in 13 seconds.

Good. Get rid of you and that shite theme music. Use Metallica. Fuck sake.

The crowd boo, though. They obviously like the talentless fuck. Finlay almost tosses out Jeff but he skins the can and jumps back in. Punk attempts it but fails.

A Sixteenth Challenger Appears: Randy Orton.

Both Hardys are in, both Rated-RKO are in. Both King Booker and Sir Finlay are in. Rated-RKO toss out Super Crazy.

Super Crazy has been eliminated by Rated-RKO in 4:32.

Randy hits Matt with a backbreaker. The Tag Team Champs try to toss him off but Jeff goes before Matt.

Jeff Hardy has been eliminated by Edge in 3:39.

Matt Hardy has been eliminated by Randy Orton in 18:55.

I’ll bet Matt said he didn’t want to be eliminated by Edge. Rated-RKO go for the others and more wasting time. No spots other than Sabu’s shite table spot. Finlay and Booker try to toss out Kane.

A Seventeenth Challenger Appears: [REDACTED] Benoit.

The man that time forgot pops in, chopping Rated-RKO, goes for Booker, goes for Finlay, German suplexes him to the mat. Booker goes for the kick, gets a suplex. Shelton tries to grab Benoit, gets a suplex. What a guy. Cunt JBL calls him a cardio machine.

An Eighteenth Challenger Appears: RVD.

The whole fucking show! Rob Van Dam comes in, knocks down Benoit, knocks down Edge, knocks down Shelton. Booker throws him into the corner and Kane throws Booker out.

King Booker T has been eliminated by Kane in 9:22.

Booker cannot believe it! He is upset and so is Cunt JBL. Booker comes back in, beats on Kane, hits the Scissors Kick, tosses Kane out.

Kane has been eliminated by Booker T in 13:21.

Is this legal? In 1997, I asked the same thing when Ahmed Johnson returned to the ring to hit Faarooq with the biggest 2×4 I had ever seen. This should not be legal and there should be rules against it, at least having Kane go back into the ring or restart the match. Alas, Booker and Kane start a feud outside.

A Nineteenth Challenger Appears: Viscera.

Big Daddy V walks down and the camera focuses on Kane. The announcers argue about whether or not Booker’s attack is legal or not. Cole tells us that it took seven men to eliminate Viscera (then called Mabel) in 1992. The announcers make fat jokes.

A Twentieth Challenger Appears: Johnny Nitro.

Nice.

Nitro goes for RVD and does not get him out. Viscera squashes Punk in the corner. There are nine people in the ring and we have ten people left. Shelton Benjamin holds on, his feet hovering off the ground.

A Twenty-First Challenger Appears: Kevin Thorn.

Ariel is not with him. Disregard. Discount Gangrel beats on people and we see Shelton holding on tight to the bottom rope. Big Daddy V has RVD over the top rope but none can help. Viscera is on the ropes and RVD gets a great clothesline to knock him to the ground. The eleventh person in the ring is about to arrive.

A Twenty-Second Challenger Appears: Hardcore Holly.

He can fuck off. Old Sparky Plugg.

Christ, there are a lot of men in this fucking ring. Bob Holly legit punches Viscera, the prick. Cole tells us that the ring is filling up. Good man. Six men are on Viscera. Come on, boys, you need at least one more there.

A Twenty-Third Challenger Appears: Shawn Michael.

He enters to his fucking DX music. C’mon, Shawn. You can do better than that. The ring clears as Shawn goes on Finlay and knocks him out with a clothesline.

Finlay has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 32:33.

That is too long for Finlay to be anywhere. Viscera knocks everyone back, Shawn superkicks him and the lads go for the World’s Biggest Love Machine once again, getting him over the top rope. Eight men, apparently.

Viscera has been eliminated by Rob Van Dam, Edge, CM Punk, Chris Benoit, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Hardcore Holly and Kevin Thorn in 6:22.

Then Shawn tosses out Shelton Benjamin.

Shelton Benjamin has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 22:22.

He beats Viscera by sixteen minutes. Yeo.

Shawn beats on Bob Holly and then Holly beats on Michaels.

A Twenty-Fourth Challenger Appears: Chris Masters.

Roidy Magoo rolls in and the ring is full again with ten men all up in it. Nitro goes top rope and Benoit knocks him down.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:18.

Fair play to Johnny, actually. He lasted ages for a man who had a huge match earlier in the night. Edge is the longest-serving man in this Rumble.

A Twenty-Fifth Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

He runs in and does a lovely roll, goes for Masters and Kevin Thorn is tossed out.

Kevin Thorn has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:55.

Who is left to come out? Who really cares?

Michaels beats on Randy. Punk and RVD hug each other. Masters beats on Chavo. Edge hangs out on the floor. The crowd are quite dead. Ohhhhh, the timer comes back up!

A Twenty-Sixth Challenger Appears: MVP.

Montel Vontavious Porter! It’s himself! He slides in, burns and all, goes for Benoit. Ten men are in the ring again. Masters falls out. Derp.

Chris Masters has been eliminated by RVD  in 3:32.

RVD is very pleased with himself. Punk is almost out on one corner, Holly almost out on t’other. Punk is holding on but the timer is coming up!

A Twenty-Seventh Challenger Appears: Carlito.

Ohhhhh, the boy himself is in. Brilliant. I love Carlito. Tenner says he lasts two minutes. The ring is very full, eleven men in the ring and only three men left. Shawn Michaels almost goes over the top rope. He’s holding, he’s teetering, he’s tottering, but he stays in. Fair play. Rated-RKO attack Carlito and the timer comes up again.

A Twenty-Eighth Challenger Appears: The Great Khali.

The crowd groan. Who cares about this shitehawk? No one. The crowd die and the wrasslers stop, watch. Edge and RVD get tossed. Orton goes, Benoit goes, MVP goes, Shawn goes, RVD again, Chavo. The crowd boo. Everyone is on the floor. They’re all getting chops and they’re all sitting down.

Just before the timer hits zero, Bob Holly is tossed out by Khali. Good. Shove it up ye.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 10:21.

Ten boys still in and we reach our penultimate challenger!

A Twenty-Ninth Challenger Appears: The Miz.

Wow. He can go fuck himself. Khali tosses him right out.

The Miz has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 7 seconds.

Good.

Khali then throws out RVD.

RVD has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 16:28.

Then he throws out Punk!

CM Punk has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 27:16.

Then he almost throws out Carlito. Then he does toss out Carlito.

Carlito has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 3:19.

Then he throws out Chavo!

Chavo has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 6:24.

Jerry says, “Somebody dropped the ugly bomb on him.” Bit harsh, the lad has a disease. Either way, he also has been given a push and one that he, like many before him, simply does not deserve.

At some point during this, Benoit gets eliminated too.

[REDACTED] Benoit has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 17:52.

Shawn is up and chops Khali. Khali grabs Michaels and the crowd boo. He takes a chokebomb as number 30 comes in. Cole has a lovely soundbite, “Who can beat Khali?”

The Thirtieth and Final Challenger Appears: The Undertaker.

Just like ten years before, Taker is number thirty! Khali looks worried. The pair batter in the middle of the ring and Taker fights back, finally tossing the cunt out.

The Great Khali has been eliminated by the Undertaker in 3:45

Undertaker raises hell in the middle of the ring. No one else will join these five men. We have MVP, Orton, Edge, Michaels, Taker. He knocks everyone down, hits Old School on MVP. Balls on him. Undertaker tosses MVP out.

MVP has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 7:32.

Taker hits Edge with the jumping clothesline. MVP takes a chair into the ring and Taker almost throws Edge out as Randy Orton busts Taker in the head with the chair. Taker is up, though and Edge is calling for Orton to turn around. Randy sees it, though and the pair shout at each other mid-ring. Randy hits the RKO on Shawn and he rolls out. Rated-RKO chat and they both turn on Taker. Taker is bust open and the two men beat on the Phenom without mercy. Taker fights back and rains fists on the Tag Team Champs, running into the corners. Taker is about to hit the double chokeslam but they fight out, give him the Irish whip and he hits the double clothesline, hits Snake Eyes and Big Boot on Edge. He goes for the Chokeslam on Orton but Edge Spears him before he can do it. Edge has the chair in his hand, cracks Taker on the head for the second time.

Edge rolls out, gets another chair and they get ready for the Conchairto, which is a stupid name. Shawn’s up, though! And he tosses Orton out!

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 27:15.

Then he tosses Edge out!

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 44:02.

Both men are lying on the ground. The crowd is going wild. Taker sits up first. Shawn kip-ups. They both get ready, put their dukes up and Shawn has Taker in the corner, going for the ten-punch but Taker pushes him off twice and chokeslams him into the corner. Taker punches Shawn and he damn near flies out of the ring.

Shawn gets back in and there are chops from Shawn. Taker reverses an Irish whip and Shawn is damn near turned inside out. Taker goes for the big boot but Taker falls onto the apron. Shawn attempts to knock him off but fails. Taker goes to back body drop Shawn but gets a swinging neckbreaker instead. Big punches. “HBK!” chants rise. Taker gives Michaels the Big Boot. The San Antonian crowd is silent. Taker lifts up Shawn, tries to toss him off but Shawn holds on, throws him into the turnbuckle. Shawn goes up top and is almost thrown off. Undertaker goes for the superplex. They headbutt each other. Taker goes to toss Michaels onto the mat but Michaels fights back. Taker is in the ring. Shawn is on the turnbuckle. He hits the elbow, jumps up and leans against the corner. He starts to tune up the band. The crowd are baying for Sweet Chin Music and count with the stomps. Taker catches the boot! Taker hits a thunderous chokeslam. He runs his thumb over his throat and lifts up Shawn, is about to hit the Tombstone but Shawn escapes and hits Sweet Chin Music!

Both men are down. Both men are fucked. They’ve been the last two men for ages. Shawn is getting the superkick ready but Taker tosses him over the top rope!

Shawn Michaels has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 24:11.

Entrant number thirty, The Undertaker is the winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble in 56:18 after surviving for 13:15.

2017 comments:

Very, very good finish. Everything up to that was filler.

1997 comments:

I like how they just put a Shawn vs. Taker match on the end of this disappointing battle royale.

Grade: B

Taker stands centre stage, looks out at Shawn, nods and the camera focuses on both men, showing the emotion behind the match. Fair play to the pair of yis. Taker looks at the Wrestlemania 23 sign, checks out the hard cam and points at Shawn. Cunt JBL says that they don’t know what title he is going to go after… so presumably he can choose any. He kneels mid-ring and big pyro hits.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Good God Almighty, I have to give it to either Shawn, Cena or Umaga. I’m going to go with Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than backstage bimbos.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: There were none, really, but I’d say Taker’s sit up followed by Shawn’s kip up was brilliant.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt; Batista retained his World Heavyweight Championship belt and John Cena retained his WWE Championship belt.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the last we will see of Roidy Magoo Test.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, [REDACTED] Benoit.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: CM Punk, Joey Mercury, Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Joey Mercury for busting his face and returning!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell, Trish Stratus.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Ariel, Queen Sharmell, Victoria, No one.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Victoria!

The Year in Reviews

Each Royal Rumble, I will give you some information of the past year of reviews for you stat-heads out there.

In 2006, the biggest movie at the time was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which made $1,066,179,725 worldwide, followed by The Da Vinci Code and Ice Age: The Meltdown. There were a lot of things going on in the world of music but the top best-selling album was… The High School Musical Soundtrack? What the fuck?

There was the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany, a Jackson Pollock painting sold and people cared for some reason, North Korea conducted its first-ever Nuclear Test and Steve Irwin died.

In wrasslin’ news, the WWE Championship was brought into 2006 by Cena for 280 days since April 3 2005 until Edge held it for 21 days from Jan 8 2006 to Jan 29 where Cena held it for 133 days until June 11 at ECW One Night Stand where RVD took it. He held it for 22 days until July 3 when Edge took it back, then it passed to Cena after 76 days at Unforgiven on September 17 and he would take it into the New Year.

Batista had the WWE World Heavyweight belt from April 3, 2005, brought it into 2006 but lost it after 282 days when he had a triceps injury. Kurt Angle took it, held it for 82 days, Dropped it at WrestleMania 22 to Rey Mysterio (winner of the Royal Rumble 2006) and he held it for 112 days until Booker T won it at The Great American Bash on July 23. He lost it Batista after 126 days at Survivor Series and he would bring it into 2007.

Ric Flair held the Intercontinental Championship for 155 days from Sept 18 2005 to Feb 20 2006 when he dropped it to Shelton Benjamin. He had it for 69 days, dropping it to RVD at Backlash who held it for a measly 15 days until Shelton got it back on May 15. After 41 days, Jonny Nitro took it at Vengeance and he had it for 99 days before dropping it to Jeff who gave it back to Johnny after 35 days who dropped it again to Jeff after a week. Jeff would bring it into the New Year.

Booker T had the United States Championship at the beginning of 2006 and held it for 40 days, dropping it to Benoit on Feb 19th, who would drop it to JBL on April 2 after 42 dats, who gave it to Bobby Lashley after 51 days and then to Finlay. They both held it for 49 days each. Mr Kennedy won it on August 29 and dropped it to Benoit 42 days later on October 10, 2006. He would take it into 2007.

Kid Kash was the Cruiserweight Champion at the start of 2006 but he dropped it to Gregory Helms who held it into the New Year.

Rob Van Dam won the reactivated ECW World Heavyweight Championship on June 13, 2006 and held it for 21 days until July 4 when The Big Show beat him to win it. He held it for 152 days until Bobby Lashley won it at December to Dismember and took it into the New Year.

MNM were the Tag Team Champions at the start of 2006 and dropped it to Paul London and Brian Kendrick after 145 days on May 21. They held it into 2007.

Kane and The Big Show were World Tag Team Champs at the beginning of 2006 but they dropped it to the Spirit Squad after 153 days on April 3. They then let Ric Flair and Roddy Piper take it from them on Cyber Sunday and eight days later, Rated-RKO got it from them on Nov 13. They brought it into 2007.

Finally, Trish Stratus was the WWE Women’s Champion at the beginning of 2006 and dropped it to Mickie James at WrestleMania 22 on April 2 after 448 days as champion. Mickie held it for 134 days until Lita took it from her on August 14. Trish won it back at Unforgiven and retired, vacating the title. Lita would win it on November 5 at Cyber Sunday and then Mickie won it 21 days later in Lita’s last match. Mickie would be Women’s Champ into 2007.

2006 was the last full year of separate PPVs for separate WWE brands until it happened again ten years later and it was the last year of the Ruthless Aggression Era as the PG Era came into play shortly after the Benoit Tragedy. The roster was thick and so was the blood.

Closing Statements: A good PPV, more spectacle than actual wrestling but the matches were fun and the end of the Rumble was fantastic.

On the Card will return on February 18 2017 with the Smackdown PPV No Way Out 2007.