Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good old Hardys. Never miss a ladder match. Miss a lot of spots, though.

Cut backstage to Khali cutting a rambling promo on Cena in Punjabi. His translator gives his promo in English. It’s nothing to write home about.

Cut to the ring where Tony Chimel is introducing the Lumberjack Match, where twelve lads stand outside the ring and wait until someone falls out and they push them back in. [REDACTED] Benoit arrives, looking super pissed off that he is not competing. Behind him is Valentine Venis, Santino Marella, Balls Mahoney, Steven Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Thorn, Chris Masters, Johnny Nitro, Chavo Guerrero, Kenny Dykstra mit dead fox and Carlito. There is little craic from them. Stevie Richards jumps on Balls’ back.

Somebody gon’ get they ass kicked! It’s Mark Henry! He’s out, covered in butter or whatever. The announcers sell the fact that Mark Henry is the World’s Strongest Man. This is before Game of Thrones, I suppose.

Big fiery pyro and Kane rocks out, popping into the ring and squaring up to Henry after hitting the turnbuckle pyro.

Lumberjack Match: Mark Henry vs. Kane.

This is the first match of the card that allows pinfall or submission, so you know it’s going to be great. Kane and Henry circle each other and Henry tosses him out. The Lumberjacks scatter, no way are they going near the Devil’s Favourite Demon. Big slow, methodical movement as Henry is tossed out. The Lumberjacks surround him and get tossed away easily. Henry rolls back in and he and Kane beat each other in the corner. Henry rolls out and Kane goes with him. The Lumberjacks are keeping their distance as Henry tosses him into the ringpost. Henry rolls into the ring and the Lumberjacks pick up Kane and allow him to enter. Henry continues to attack Kane’s back with double axe-handle nothings and club-like punches. Kane fights back with his great big punches and Henry retaliates with a powerslam. First pinfall attempt and a fail.

Kane headbutts out man Henry and gets knocked down for his effort. Both men are really selling the fact that they are glass cannons here. Both attacks do lots of damage. The fear is not that either men are impervious, more that regardless of their defence, their attack is brutal. Kane attempts a Rock Bottom but his back is sore. Val Venis is hammering out a tune on the ring, really reacting to everything in the ring. Cunt JBL gives off because he doesn’t like fun. Big rest hold city mid-ring as Mark hugs Kane. Kane falls to the floor and pulls Henry out. Kane goes top-rope, jumps and hits a bowling ball spot as the lads go sprawling everywhere. Chavo and Kenny help Kane back into the ring and two monsters punch each other for a while. Miz and Stevie Richards shout at each other as Kane goes to the top rope again, knocking Mark down, hitting a lovely chokeslam but two lumberjacks jump in before the pin can be applied.

Kane one-hand-chokeslams Kenny and Mark gives Kane another bear hug. Kane is hurt, he’s passing out. The ref is imploring him to quit, but he’s not giving up. The ref stops the match.

The match has finished due to ref stoppage. Mark Henry is the default winner in 9:07.

2017 comments:

Meh. It’s a nice way to get both men over as powerful without it being a stalemate but to end with a bearhug? I mean, come on, guys.

2007 comments:

Do you think that Kane and Henry are considered… bears?

Grade: C.

Not a good bunch of matches so far, if I’m honest. Replays of the match.

Cut to Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin who are complaining about the loss of the match. Shelton and Jeff square off. Punches are thrown. People break it up. It’s a real to-do, I tell you what.

Cut to Bobbo Lasher and McMahon Street Fight promo. Back in Wrasslemania, Vince got his head shaved by Cunt President Donald Trump and Stone Cold. Vince blamed Bobbo and took his ECW championship, which was bound to hurt him badly. Bobby beat a handicap match but Vince refused to give his championship up and so another rematch was called. Vince didn’t actually want one, but Shane protected his father’s ego by accepting. Makes little sense… unless Shane is trying to screw over Vince… again.

Justin Roberts introduces the Street Fight and its lack of disqualifications… which all matches so far have had. AND THEN GOD DAMMIT WWE YOU BRING OUT THE CHAMP FIRST AGAIN.

Vince rocks out with Shane and Umaga. Sure why not? It is his birthday. It is not his birthday. They’re talking about it being a three-on-one handicap match and Umaga being the “Samoan Bulldozer”. I’ve no real fear of that because Umaga has lost his winning streak. He’s pathetic now.

Bobby’s music hits and there is a decent pop for Roidy Lasher. He hits his pyro, covers himself in golden sparks and walks to the ring, hitting hit massive jump and more turnbuckle pyro.

Street Fight for the ECW World Championship: Vince McMahon (c) (with Umaga and Shane McMahon) vs. Bobby Lashley.

Shane and Vince in the ring, Bobby runs to the ropes, does a suicide dive, botches by holding onto the rope and barely grazes Umaha, who sells like death. Shane is hammering on Bobby, who knocks him down and tosses him out onto Umaga. Bobby and Vince are alone and the crowd goes wild as he rains punches on Vince. Shane rocks in, is tossed out, Umaga comes in and takes over for a second, but is thrown into a corner. Shane comes in with a chair, Lashley gets rid of him, tosses the chair and is about to hit Vince with a Dominator when Shane and Umaga take over, hitting Lasher with a DDT on the chair.

It’s three on one now and the first few minutes are forgotten as the pace slows, the men beat up Bobbo and he attempts to build up some babyface fire. Double team Irish whip into Vince, who kicks him in the balls. The announcers make it clear that something might happen on the table by moving back and saying, “uh oh!” Vince takes… a hammer? Something from a dude by the side of the ring. It’s a bell hammer, apparently. He doesn’t hit Lasher with it, just chokes him with it. Vince then chokes Lasher with a wire. We are halfway through the match here, not one pin attempt, neither announcer is making that a big deal. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop and a pin attempt is finally made but fails.

Vince hits a sad, sad spear on Lasher but gets nothing from the pinfall. Why he doesn’t get Umaga and Shane to hold Bobbo down during a pin is beyond me. Crowd is dead. Bobbo is held down by the McMahons and Umaga goes for the splash. Bobbo, at the last second, does a sit-up, Vince gets squashed and it’s time to go home. Both Shane and Umaga are tossed out. Bobbo gets the chair, cracks Vince with it and hammers on his back for a while. The announcers say that this is legal and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Bobbo hits the Dominator, goes for the three but Umaga drags him out before he can get the pin.

Outside, Bobbo gets a chair after beating Umaga, but is knocked down. Umaga jumps to the floor from the apron and the announcer’s table is finally destroyed. Lashley is draped over the table, Shane goes to the corner and hits a lovely elbow that elicts, “Holy shit!” chants from the crowd. Bobby is thrown into the ring and a pin attempt is made and failed. Umaga rocks in to beat on Lasher in the corner. He rears back to hit the Rikishi arse-bump in the corner and Shane takes over with a trashcan, hoping to hit a Coast-to-Coast. No selling there from the younger McMahon. Bobby rolls out of the way at the last second, Umaga gets hit with the trashcan and Bobby gets his revenge with a spear once to Shane and then to Vince for the pin.

Bobby Lashley has pinned Vince McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 12:23.

2017 comments:

A nice wee revenge match for the Lasher. Not amazing, but plays to the strengths of each other competitors and makes Lasher look really strong.

2007 comments:

I never get sick of seeing the McMahons lose.

Grade: B.

Lashley spears Vince again in the middle of his music. Replays shown and Bobbo goes to the back with his belt.

Cut to Maria and Santino chatting in Italian. They get interrupted by Todd who reminds Maria that Candice Michelle and Melina are having a pudding match. Maria spouts gibberish for a while. She doesn’t answer the question. Candice Michelle turns up and hits her three lines. She asks for a kiss for good luck and Maria gives her one. Santino says he loves America and Ron Simmons says, “Damn”. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Cut to the “pudding”, which seems to be filmed from a hoody.

Candice Michelle comes out and some very embarrassed fans hold up some very sad signs.

Melina’s music hits and out she comes. Both women are in bikinis. Melina even has goggles. JR tries to shill the next PPV. Both women stand awkwardly. This is going to be a long segment.

Pudding Match: Candice Michelle vs. Melina.

Of course, this match is not for the Women’s Championship, which makes it a waste of goddamn time even more than it was before I knew the title wasn’t on the line. Candice puts one foot in the pudding, grabs Melina and tosses her in. The women rock in the pudding for a while, slide out and get told to get back in. Candice slips. Sexy pin on the outside. JR and Jerry wonder about the rules of the pudding match. Double axe-handle nothing. The guys are finding it hard to realise who is who. The crowd chant for, “Boring.” There’s a DDT into the pudding. Jerry puts the sexiness of the women over. Candice drowns Melina and she taps out, well, slaps the pudding.

Melina has tapped out or suffered drowning in the pudding. Candice Michelle wins in 2:55.

2017 comments:

I would normally complain about this because women’s wrestling etc. but this match doesn’t pretend to be anything more than nonsense, so, in way, it’s the most successful match on the card.

2007 comments:

I wonder is it pudding.

Grade: Nooooope.

Maria turns up. Let’s see what happens.

She congratulates Candice on her win, Melina tosses pudding and Maria dives in. Then the ref is dragged in. Melina escapes and someone’s music plays as the faces hug.

On the Card will return on June 17 2017 with the third and final part of One Night Stand 2007.

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Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Undertaker wins once again.

Cut to baby Lashley and Bobby Lashley as he talks about being a boy in a military family.

Backstage, we have Vince meeting his granddaughter. In the background, there are picutres of Donald Trump with different hairdos. Vince chastises Stephanie for bringing his granddaughter in. Then he makes faces at the baby and tells her how he’s going to batter Donald Trump. Stephanie is clearly uncomfortable with this. He smells something and tells Stephanie that the child, “just took a Trump.” Hilarious.

Back in the arena, Taz and Joey Styles introduce the ECW Originals. Sandman, RVD, Tommy Dreamer and Sabu rock through the crowd. Sabu hits people left and right. Prick. He actually gets annoyed that fans are trying to touch him.

The New Breed music hits and Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Van, Matt Striker and Kevin Thorn rock down with Ariel and her breasts and teeth. Both teams square off and then split to their separate sides of the ring as the bell goes.

Eight-man tag team match: The ECW Originals (RVD, Tommy Dreamer, Sabu and The Sandman) def. The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Marvus Cor Von, Matt Striker and Kevin Thorn (w/ Ariel)) via pin in 7:27.

Good to see that Vince is giving the ECW lads a payday. Shame it’s in a n eight-man tag governed by Fed rules as opposed to ECW rules and it’s for less than ten minutes in the dead zone after an Undertaker match.

Sabu and Striker to start off. Big punches from Striker. Sabu bounces off the ropes, hitting jumps. Sandman is tagged in, hits a shitty leg drop, attempts the pin and Marcus breaks it. Elijah jumps in, Tommy pops in and double elbows to Elijah. Ariel shows everyone her bum. Marcus comes in and punches the shite out of Tommy followed by a double underhook suplex. Elijah jumps in and they hit a double back body drop. Elijah hits the double knees in the corner and Sabu breaks up the pin. Kevin Thorn is in next, knocking Dreamer down and hammering away on him with a lovely wee headlock. Kevin hits a lovely sit-out powerbomb and Sabu, once again, breaks the pin. Marcus is in next, hits a nice suplex and cover. More headlocks. More Ariel bum.

Marcus hits Sandman and Tommy hits a double reverse DDT/neckbreaker to Elijah and Marcus. Both men aim for the hot tag and Striker and RVD go in. RVD cleans house. Striker gets a boot to the face, goes for the Frog Splash, kicks Kevin in the face, hits a rolling monkey flip followed by Rolling Thunder and Marcus knocks RVD down. Sabu jumps over the top ropes and everyone hits their specials. RVD goes top rope, hits the Five Star Frog Splash and the pin in 7:27.

2017 comments:

High-paced nothing match where no one stood out and Sandman did nothing.

2007 comments:

ECW is around forever.

Grade: D

I can imagine that Sandman is happy he has enough money to pay for his drugs for the next week.

Stone Cold young boy promo where a bald kid pours milk on himself.

Promo for WrestleMania 24 in Orlando.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduce Thomas “The Hitman” Hearns. Wait. What? Another hitman?

Jim tells us that the Battle of the Billionaires is up next. Vince vs. Cunt President. I bet a lot of celebrities are regretting being involved with this, The Rock included, as they suck up to Donald. Donald drops money on people. Vince brings Umaga, the until-recently-undefeated Samoan Bulldozer. Trump picks boring old Bobbo Lasher. Apparently, this is crazy, so they bring in someone sensible to keep the peace: Stone Cold. Bet he’s regretting that something shocking. Vince shaves Eugene’s head and Donal hits a weak-wristed slap.

Fuck this promo package, fuck this match and fuck that cunt president.

Lilian attempts to read the rules, messes up and a barber shop comes to the ring with its own music.

Vince’s music hits and down he comes to the ring, big swagger on him. The Miss Teen USA, Miss USA and Miss Universe all give the thumbs down. Vince mimes cutting hair. Brilliant sign that says, “Arrive, Shave Head, Leave.”

Intercontinental Champion Umaga arrives with Armando Alejandro Estrada. He walks past the barbershop and stares intently at it. Vince does a wee pantomime for Umaga. JR just wanks Vince off on the commentary, talking about how amazing he is.

Cunt President Donald Trump comes out to the Money in the Bank theme song, funnily. He’s accompanied by Miss USA or someone and has a really long intro. He gives the fingers to the camera as well. Arsehole. Worse than an arsehole. He is the divil. At the time, though, I thought that Trump was hilarious. He’s throwing up the fist as well, powerfist. In retrospect, of course, it’s a white power fist.

Which makes it even funnier that his champion is ECW champion, Bobbo Lasher. The pyro hits, giving him a golden shower. JR calls him, “No nonsense,” which is a nice way of saying, “boring”. When Trump came down, money cascaded from the ceiling, similar to how it did in WrassleMania 32 with Shane. I don’t know if it’s real money – probably not – but one person in the crowd – maybe a plant – has a legit $100 bill. Bobbo’s pyro hits and he hugs Cunt Trump. There’s a Northern Irish flag in the crowd.

Glass shatters. Stone Cold Steven Austin, the special guest referee, comes down to the ring. What a fucking legend. He’s looking a bit chubby, though, but he has been out of the game for five years by this point. He goes to all four turnbuckles and throws up the fingers, jawing off to the crowd. What a guy. He checks the ring ropes. Good man. His music finishes and Stone Cold tells Cunt Trump to fuck off. JR calls Cunt Trump, “one of the unique mysteries of mankind.”

Hair vs. Hair match with Stone Cold Steve Austin as special guest referee: Bobby Lashley (with Cunt President Trump) def. Umaga (with Vince McMahon and Armando Alejandro Estrada) via pin in 13:00.

Stone Cold rings the bell before both men are in the ring. Cheeky rascal. Umaga runs straight for Bobby and the two punch each other until Bobby is thrown back. Stone Cold counts in the corner, asks for a rope break and drags Bobby back when he doesn’t break the ropes. The pair square off for a pop from the crowd. Bobby goes top rope and hits a shoulder barge. He goes to get the pin and would have gotten it – really, Umaga? A three count from a shoulder barge? – but Armando Alejandro Estrada puts his foot on the ropes. C’mon. Bobby takes umbrage to this and drags Estrada into the ring. This spot should have been left until later on in the match. It’s a dumb spot. Bobby hits a running powerslam on Estrada and chucks him out of the ring. Umaga runs for Bobbo but he pulls the rope down and Umaga flies over. Bobby punches the shite out of Umaga mid-ring and Bobby runs at him, getting side-stepped and a slap on his arse from Umaga as he flies through the ropes.

Umaga splashes Bobby mid-ring and chokes him after a failed pin attempte. Austin slaps Umaha when he doesn’t break the count and the pair square off. Umaga goes back to choke Bobby, once again he does not break the count after five so Stone Cold pulls on Umaga’s hair. That’s three square-offs that Stone Cold has had this match. Umaga drops on Bobby from Bret’s rope. He does it twice. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop on Lasher and drops the boot into his chest. Lashley lifts Umaga up for a body slam but can’t hold him and Umaga falls on him for a pin. Vince goes to the apron and Bobby knocks him off, getting a Russian leg sweep for his effort. Umaga goes top rope but Bobby throws him off, followed by a Rikishi-style sell for a clothesline from Bobby. Wonderful.

Stone Cold starts the ten count and gets to nine before stopping, walking about the ring, telling them to get up and fight. Shane comes out to help his dad. Good old Shaneo-Mac. Bobby takes a great right hand from Umaga and the pair of them have a wee chat in the corner. Once again, Stone Cold forcefully removes Umaga from Lasher and Shane comes up for the distraction. Stone Cold chases him away and takes a Samoan Spike to the throat, rolling out of the ring. Cut to Cunt Trump, who doesn’t know what the fuck is happening and just says, “Bobby!” over and over. Cunt, cunt, cunt.

Shane is in the ring, helping Umaga. Vince is dead happy. Shane hits his Shane Shuffle, gets caught for a belly-to-belly but Umaga saves him. Umaga hits Bobby with his arse. Vince takes out a trashcan and chucks it to Shane – good catch, brother. Shane gets up to set up Coast-to-Coast, points to Cunt Trump and hits the trashcan into Bobbo’s face. No pop for the Coast-to-Coast, though. Shane removes his shirt and – oh God! – he has a referee’s shirt on! Cheeky rascal. Umaga goes to the top rope to hit a Samoan splash but Austin is up, pulling Shane out of the ring before he can finish the count. On the way back into the ring, Stone Cold is knocked to the floor. Cut to cunt Trump: “What’s going on over here?”

Cunt Trump attacks Vince, knocking him to the ground… for no reason. Umaga attempts to hit the Samoan Spike on Stone Cold but Austin ducks it, hits the Stunner and Bobby hits the spear for the pin in thirteen minutes.

2017 comments:

Great, fun match but Cunt Trump, so it balances out to be a shite match.

2007 comments:

I hope to never see Cunt Trump again.

Grade: Defies grading due to Stone Cold and Cunt Trump balancing each other out.

Vince pantomimes his disdain. He slowly makes his way to the barbershop. His eyes lock with Stone Cold and Austin rolls out, grabs Vince and drags him into the ring. He points at Vince, he gets an attack from Shane and gets a Lou Thesz Press and the bionic elbow followed by a stunner to win back his heat. Stone Cold’s music hits. Vince is trying to escape and as Stone Cold raises Bobby and Cunt Trump’s hands, Vince looks mighty pleased with himself. Bobby tears after him, lifts Vince and carries him back to the ring. The chair is set up in the ring. Stone Cold his standing behind Vince and McMahon leans back, touches Austin’s bald head, gets a Stunner.

Vince is strapped in and Cunt Trump raises the razor in triumph. Both Bobby and Cunt Trump shave Vince’s head. The whole thing lasts about a minute. Lasher gets the foam and a legit razor to shave McMahon’s head. Stone Cold sips a beer. The crowd is dead. Some music plays, “Bald Headed Blues.” McMahon looks around like an idiot and shows Vince his head all bald. Bobby’s music hits, Stone Cold gets the beers and the three of them celebrate. Cunt Trump doesn’t chug it. I thought Cunt Trump didn’t drink. Stone Cold stunners him and his music hits. Good man yourself, Stone Cold. Replays are shown. I am glad to be done with this segment. It is interesting to see if WWE reference this at any point over the next wee while considering Cunt President.

On the Card will return on April 22 2017 with the fourth and final part of WrestleMania 23.

Ruthless Aggression #14. Royal Rumble (Jan 28, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Brilliant Cena match. Fair play to the pair of them.

Backstage, Sandman interrupts Coach and the rest of them. Takes a number, takes a drink, busts himself open with his cane and leaves. Ric Flair comes in and Kelly Kelly mutters a line. The lights dim and Layla comes in and dances. Shite, shite, shite.

Back in the Arena we have Jerry, Cunt and Moustache and they are  – regrettably – announcing the Rumble.

Promo showing the last twenty years of the Royal Rumble, from Hogan and Warrior to Kane dominating, to Trips and Shawn winning, to The Rock’s fantastic win in 2000 and Stone Cold clearing house in 1997. We see Vince win, [REDACTED] Benoit win, Mysterio win. Apparently it’s a star-studded Rumble. I’ll be the judge of that. Shawn Michaels is in it. Edge is in it. Kenny is in it. Benoit, Khali, Kane, Booker, Taker, all participants.

Lillian Garcia looks like a car. She reminds us of the rules, but, c’mon, we know the rules, girl.

A question I have is… does the winner fight Cena or the champ in their own brand? That’s not explained.

Ric Flair’s music hits and out he comes, fresh from his dance twenty seconds ago. He was number 3 in 1992. He almost lasted an hour back then. Doubt he’s going to last that long.

Then Finlay’s music hits and the crowd go mild. Little Naitch tells him that he can’t have the shillelagh. The pair of them square off and the Rumble begins.

The 2007 Royal Rumble.

A First Challenger Appears: Ric Flair.

A Second Challenger Appears: Fit Finlay.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Finlay tosses Flair to the ground and they get into the corner together. Finlay slaps Flair and the Nature Boy returns it, getting big “Woo!”s from the crowd. Flair gets a back body drop and Finlay lifts Flair up, tries to toss him out and gets a rake in the eye.

A Third Challenger Appears: Kenny Dykstra.

Twenty years old, it’s our boy Spirit Squad Kenny. Flair goes straight for him. Lots of slaps which Finlay stops. Kenny boots Flair and Finlay tries to get Kenny out. Kenny gets back in and there are more slaps and punches in the corner.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Matt Hardy.

He’s in twice tonight! Fat Matt Hardy, holding the old jaw and going straight for Kenny, hitting the Side Effect and almost kicking Kenny out. Flair and Finlay in one corner and no eliminations yet. The competitors have paired off but once again, Kenny holds Flair and the partners swap as Finlay and Matt tussle. Lots more chops from Flair.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Edge.

Here we go, a talented wrassler. Out he comes, sprinting to the ring, spearing Flair, spearing Finlay, goes for Matt who skips out of the way and hits the Twist of Fate. Flair is outside, he’s under the ring, he’s got a steel chair – legal but only as long as he introduces it during the match as opposed to before it. Edge grabs Flair and the crowd boo as he gets tossed out.

Ric Flair has been eliminated by Edge in 5:40.

Kenny and Edge high five and as Dykstra does the Flair dance, Edge tosses him out.

Kenny Dykstra has been eliminated by Edge in 4:05.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Tommy Dreamer.

No time to mourn the Spirit Squad boy. It’s time for Tommy. He runs in, the crowd chant “ECW!” and he gets Edge in the tree of woe, baseball slides him and is knocked down by Finlay. Four men in the ring now. Both Tommy and Edge are about to be thrown out but no dice. We’re going to see lots of that shite.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Sabu.

Oh fuck. Here’s Botchy McCan’tmanoeuver. He runs to the ring, grabs a table from below first, sets it up outside the ring, goes straight for Tommy. Sabu hits the springboard crossbody and does it again but Dreamer hits the weak punch and gets him mid-air. More “holding on the ring rope” spots.

An Eighty Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

He comes in, goes for Matt and Finlay is almost thrown out. Six men in, all in pairs, nothing exciting happening and none of them are winners, really. Sabu is getting chants and goes for Helms, ready to toss him out.

A Ninth Challenger Appears: Shelton Benjamin.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team member 1 is in. He tries to toss out Tommy and fails. He tries to toss out Matt and fails. People waste time here as Finlay tries to toss Shelton out. Both men hold on. Matt tries to help and fails. We have Sabu/Tommy and Greg/Edge. Matt is trying to suplex Shelton out.

A Tenth Challenger Appears: Kane.

Big pop for the pyro from Kane. He holds the record for knocking the most people out at 11 until Roman Reigns beat him. But fuck Reigns. Kane hits the tiltawhirl Bossman slam, chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy out.

Tommy Dreamer has been eliminated by Kane in 6:41.

Tommy has the record for lasting the longest before being eliminated, but obviously that must be beaten tonight. Sabu has Kane on the ropes. He tries to clothesline him out, lands on the apron and Kane chokeslams him out, through the table.

Sabu has been eliminated by Kane in 5:28.

The announcers say that Kane is the favourite now.

An Eleventh Challenger Appears: CM Punk.

Out he comes! The up and comer! He goes straight for Edge and Cunt JBL calls him boring because he’s straight edge. Finlay almost tosses him out, but fails. CM Punk gives Edge a wee knee to the face. Finlay has been in for over fifteen minutes, which is fourteen minutes too long, being honest with you. Final lifts Punk over but fails.

A Twelfth Challenger Appears: King Booker.

Sharmell is with him! Yo! He takes his time to come in, starts on Helms and beats him like a government mule, tossing him out.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by King Booker in 6:50.

Well done, Hurrcicane, you beat Tommy by nine seconds. Seven men in the ring and all of them wasting time. Cole tells us of all the brands but fuck the brands.

A Thirteeth Challenger Appears: Super Crazy

It’s Super Crazy! He’s going in and goes after the tough guys and gets beaten down almost instantly. More wasting time here with everyone holding onto ropes. Finlay almost goes out and Shelton Benjamin is in trouble but survives.

A Fourteenth Challenger Appears: Jeff Hardy.

Both Hardys! They double team Finlay, they double team Edge! They double team Super Crazy! They botch that, though. They double Team Kane, but he gets them in the old double chokeslam and they hit back with Poetry in Motion.

A Fifteenth Challenger Appears: Sandman.

Here he is, coming down the crowd, spraying beer over someone who works there, like a goose. He comes in, Singapore cane in hang and busts both Hardys and Crazy before Booker tosses him out.

Sandman has been eliminated by Booker T in 13 seconds.

Good. Get rid of you and that shite theme music. Use Metallica. Fuck sake.

The crowd boo, though. They obviously like the talentless fuck. Finlay almost tosses out Jeff but he skins the can and jumps back in. Punk attempts it but fails.

A Sixteenth Challenger Appears: Randy Orton.

Both Hardys are in, both Rated-RKO are in. Both King Booker and Sir Finlay are in. Rated-RKO toss out Super Crazy.

Super Crazy has been eliminated by Rated-RKO in 4:32.

Randy hits Matt with a backbreaker. The Tag Team Champs try to toss him off but Jeff goes before Matt.

Jeff Hardy has been eliminated by Edge in 3:39.

Matt Hardy has been eliminated by Randy Orton in 18:55.

I’ll bet Matt said he didn’t want to be eliminated by Edge. Rated-RKO go for the others and more wasting time. No spots other than Sabu’s shite table spot. Finlay and Booker try to toss out Kane.

A Seventeenth Challenger Appears: [REDACTED] Benoit.

The man that time forgot pops in, chopping Rated-RKO, goes for Booker, goes for Finlay, German suplexes him to the mat. Booker goes for the kick, gets a suplex. Shelton tries to grab Benoit, gets a suplex. What a guy. Cunt JBL calls him a cardio machine.

An Eighteenth Challenger Appears: RVD.

The whole fucking show! Rob Van Dam comes in, knocks down Benoit, knocks down Edge, knocks down Shelton. Booker throws him into the corner and Kane throws Booker out.

King Booker T has been eliminated by Kane in 9:22.

Booker cannot believe it! He is upset and so is Cunt JBL. Booker comes back in, beats on Kane, hits the Scissors Kick, tosses Kane out.

Kane has been eliminated by Booker T in 13:21.

Is this legal? In 1997, I asked the same thing when Ahmed Johnson returned to the ring to hit Faarooq with the biggest 2×4 I had ever seen. This should not be legal and there should be rules against it, at least having Kane go back into the ring or restart the match. Alas, Booker and Kane start a feud outside.

A Nineteenth Challenger Appears: Viscera.

Big Daddy V walks down and the camera focuses on Kane. The announcers argue about whether or not Booker’s attack is legal or not. Cole tells us that it took seven men to eliminate Viscera (then called Mabel) in 1992. The announcers make fat jokes.

A Twentieth Challenger Appears: Johnny Nitro.

Nice.

Nitro goes for RVD and does not get him out. Viscera squashes Punk in the corner. There are nine people in the ring and we have ten people left. Shelton Benjamin holds on, his feet hovering off the ground.

A Twenty-First Challenger Appears: Kevin Thorn.

Ariel is not with him. Disregard. Discount Gangrel beats on people and we see Shelton holding on tight to the bottom rope. Big Daddy V has RVD over the top rope but none can help. Viscera is on the ropes and RVD gets a great clothesline to knock him to the ground. The eleventh person in the ring is about to arrive.

A Twenty-Second Challenger Appears: Hardcore Holly.

He can fuck off. Old Sparky Plugg.

Christ, there are a lot of men in this fucking ring. Bob Holly legit punches Viscera, the prick. Cole tells us that the ring is filling up. Good man. Six men are on Viscera. Come on, boys, you need at least one more there.

A Twenty-Third Challenger Appears: Shawn Michael.

He enters to his fucking DX music. C’mon, Shawn. You can do better than that. The ring clears as Shawn goes on Finlay and knocks him out with a clothesline.

Finlay has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 32:33.

That is too long for Finlay to be anywhere. Viscera knocks everyone back, Shawn superkicks him and the lads go for the World’s Biggest Love Machine once again, getting him over the top rope. Eight men, apparently.

Viscera has been eliminated by Rob Van Dam, Edge, CM Punk, Chris Benoit, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Hardcore Holly and Kevin Thorn in 6:22.

Then Shawn tosses out Shelton Benjamin.

Shelton Benjamin has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 22:22.

He beats Viscera by sixteen minutes. Yeo.

Shawn beats on Bob Holly and then Holly beats on Michaels.

A Twenty-Fourth Challenger Appears: Chris Masters.

Roidy Magoo rolls in and the ring is full again with ten men all up in it. Nitro goes top rope and Benoit knocks him down.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:18.

Fair play to Johnny, actually. He lasted ages for a man who had a huge match earlier in the night. Edge is the longest-serving man in this Rumble.

A Twenty-Fifth Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

He runs in and does a lovely roll, goes for Masters and Kevin Thorn is tossed out.

Kevin Thorn has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:55.

Who is left to come out? Who really cares?

Michaels beats on Randy. Punk and RVD hug each other. Masters beats on Chavo. Edge hangs out on the floor. The crowd are quite dead. Ohhhhh, the timer comes back up!

A Twenty-Sixth Challenger Appears: MVP.

Montel Vontavious Porter! It’s himself! He slides in, burns and all, goes for Benoit. Ten men are in the ring again. Masters falls out. Derp.

Chris Masters has been eliminated by RVD  in 3:32.

RVD is very pleased with himself. Punk is almost out on one corner, Holly almost out on t’other. Punk is holding on but the timer is coming up!

A Twenty-Seventh Challenger Appears: Carlito.

Ohhhhh, the boy himself is in. Brilliant. I love Carlito. Tenner says he lasts two minutes. The ring is very full, eleven men in the ring and only three men left. Shawn Michaels almost goes over the top rope. He’s holding, he’s teetering, he’s tottering, but he stays in. Fair play. Rated-RKO attack Carlito and the timer comes up again.

A Twenty-Eighth Challenger Appears: The Great Khali.

The crowd groan. Who cares about this shitehawk? No one. The crowd die and the wrasslers stop, watch. Edge and RVD get tossed. Orton goes, Benoit goes, MVP goes, Shawn goes, RVD again, Chavo. The crowd boo. Everyone is on the floor. They’re all getting chops and they’re all sitting down.

Just before the timer hits zero, Bob Holly is tossed out by Khali. Good. Shove it up ye.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 10:21.

Ten boys still in and we reach our penultimate challenger!

A Twenty-Ninth Challenger Appears: The Miz.

Wow. He can go fuck himself. Khali tosses him right out.

The Miz has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 7 seconds.

Good.

Khali then throws out RVD.

RVD has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 16:28.

Then he throws out Punk!

CM Punk has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 27:16.

Then he almost throws out Carlito. Then he does toss out Carlito.

Carlito has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 3:19.

Then he throws out Chavo!

Chavo has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 6:24.

Jerry says, “Somebody dropped the ugly bomb on him.” Bit harsh, the lad has a disease. Either way, he also has been given a push and one that he, like many before him, simply does not deserve.

At some point during this, Benoit gets eliminated too.

[REDACTED] Benoit has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 17:52.

Shawn is up and chops Khali. Khali grabs Michaels and the crowd boo. He takes a chokebomb as number 30 comes in. Cole has a lovely soundbite, “Who can beat Khali?”

The Thirtieth and Final Challenger Appears: The Undertaker.

Just like ten years before, Taker is number thirty! Khali looks worried. The pair batter in the middle of the ring and Taker fights back, finally tossing the cunt out.

The Great Khali has been eliminated by the Undertaker in 3:45

Undertaker raises hell in the middle of the ring. No one else will join these five men. We have MVP, Orton, Edge, Michaels, Taker. He knocks everyone down, hits Old School on MVP. Balls on him. Undertaker tosses MVP out.

MVP has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 7:32.

Taker hits Edge with the jumping clothesline. MVP takes a chair into the ring and Taker almost throws Edge out as Randy Orton busts Taker in the head with the chair. Taker is up, though and Edge is calling for Orton to turn around. Randy sees it, though and the pair shout at each other mid-ring. Randy hits the RKO on Shawn and he rolls out. Rated-RKO chat and they both turn on Taker. Taker is bust open and the two men beat on the Phenom without mercy. Taker fights back and rains fists on the Tag Team Champs, running into the corners. Taker is about to hit the double chokeslam but they fight out, give him the Irish whip and he hits the double clothesline, hits Snake Eyes and Big Boot on Edge. He goes for the Chokeslam on Orton but Edge Spears him before he can do it. Edge has the chair in his hand, cracks Taker on the head for the second time.

Edge rolls out, gets another chair and they get ready for the Conchairto, which is a stupid name. Shawn’s up, though! And he tosses Orton out!

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 27:15.

Then he tosses Edge out!

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 44:02.

Both men are lying on the ground. The crowd is going wild. Taker sits up first. Shawn kip-ups. They both get ready, put their dukes up and Shawn has Taker in the corner, going for the ten-punch but Taker pushes him off twice and chokeslams him into the corner. Taker punches Shawn and he damn near flies out of the ring.

Shawn gets back in and there are chops from Shawn. Taker reverses an Irish whip and Shawn is damn near turned inside out. Taker goes for the big boot but Taker falls onto the apron. Shawn attempts to knock him off but fails. Taker goes to back body drop Shawn but gets a swinging neckbreaker instead. Big punches. “HBK!” chants rise. Taker gives Michaels the Big Boot. The San Antonian crowd is silent. Taker lifts up Shawn, tries to toss him off but Shawn holds on, throws him into the turnbuckle. Shawn goes up top and is almost thrown off. Undertaker goes for the superplex. They headbutt each other. Taker goes to toss Michaels onto the mat but Michaels fights back. Taker is in the ring. Shawn is on the turnbuckle. He hits the elbow, jumps up and leans against the corner. He starts to tune up the band. The crowd are baying for Sweet Chin Music and count with the stomps. Taker catches the boot! Taker hits a thunderous chokeslam. He runs his thumb over his throat and lifts up Shawn, is about to hit the Tombstone but Shawn escapes and hits Sweet Chin Music!

Both men are down. Both men are fucked. They’ve been the last two men for ages. Shawn is getting the superkick ready but Taker tosses him over the top rope!

Shawn Michaels has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 24:11.

Entrant number thirty, The Undertaker is the winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble in 56:18 after surviving for 13:15.

2017 comments:

Very, very good finish. Everything up to that was filler.

1997 comments:

I like how they just put a Shawn vs. Taker match on the end of this disappointing battle royale.

Grade: B

Taker stands centre stage, looks out at Shawn, nods and the camera focuses on both men, showing the emotion behind the match. Fair play to the pair of yis. Taker looks at the Wrestlemania 23 sign, checks out the hard cam and points at Shawn. Cunt JBL says that they don’t know what title he is going to go after… so presumably he can choose any. He kneels mid-ring and big pyro hits.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Good God Almighty, I have to give it to either Shawn, Cena or Umaga. I’m going to go with Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than backstage bimbos.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: There were none, really, but I’d say Taker’s sit up followed by Shawn’s kip up was brilliant.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt; Batista retained his World Heavyweight Championship belt and John Cena retained his WWE Championship belt.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the last we will see of Roidy Magoo Test.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, [REDACTED] Benoit.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: CM Punk, Joey Mercury, Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Joey Mercury for busting his face and returning!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell, Trish Stratus.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Ariel, Queen Sharmell, Victoria, No one.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Victoria!

The Year in Reviews

Each Royal Rumble, I will give you some information of the past year of reviews for you stat-heads out there.

In 2006, the biggest movie at the time was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which made $1,066,179,725 worldwide, followed by The Da Vinci Code and Ice Age: The Meltdown. There were a lot of things going on in the world of music but the top best-selling album was… The High School Musical Soundtrack? What the fuck?

There was the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany, a Jackson Pollock painting sold and people cared for some reason, North Korea conducted its first-ever Nuclear Test and Steve Irwin died.

In wrasslin’ news, the WWE Championship was brought into 2006 by Cena for 280 days since April 3 2005 until Edge held it for 21 days from Jan 8 2006 to Jan 29 where Cena held it for 133 days until June 11 at ECW One Night Stand where RVD took it. He held it for 22 days until July 3 when Edge took it back, then it passed to Cena after 76 days at Unforgiven on September 17 and he would take it into the New Year.

Batista had the WWE World Heavyweight belt from April 3, 2005, brought it into 2006 but lost it after 282 days when he had a triceps injury. Kurt Angle took it, held it for 82 days, Dropped it at WrestleMania 22 to Rey Mysterio (winner of the Royal Rumble 2006) and he held it for 112 days until Booker T won it at The Great American Bash on July 23. He lost it Batista after 126 days at Survivor Series and he would bring it into 2007.

Ric Flair held the Intercontinental Championship for 155 days from Sept 18 2005 to Feb 20 2006 when he dropped it to Shelton Benjamin. He had it for 69 days, dropping it to RVD at Backlash who held it for a measly 15 days until Shelton got it back on May 15. After 41 days, Jonny Nitro took it at Vengeance and he had it for 99 days before dropping it to Jeff who gave it back to Johnny after 35 days who dropped it again to Jeff after a week. Jeff would bring it into the New Year.

Booker T had the United States Championship at the beginning of 2006 and held it for 40 days, dropping it to Benoit on Feb 19th, who would drop it to JBL on April 2 after 42 dats, who gave it to Bobby Lashley after 51 days and then to Finlay. They both held it for 49 days each. Mr Kennedy won it on August 29 and dropped it to Benoit 42 days later on October 10, 2006. He would take it into 2007.

Kid Kash was the Cruiserweight Champion at the start of 2006 but he dropped it to Gregory Helms who held it into the New Year.

Rob Van Dam won the reactivated ECW World Heavyweight Championship on June 13, 2006 and held it for 21 days until July 4 when The Big Show beat him to win it. He held it for 152 days until Bobby Lashley won it at December to Dismember and took it into the New Year.

MNM were the Tag Team Champions at the start of 2006 and dropped it to Paul London and Brian Kendrick after 145 days on May 21. They held it into 2007.

Kane and The Big Show were World Tag Team Champs at the beginning of 2006 but they dropped it to the Spirit Squad after 153 days on April 3. They then let Ric Flair and Roddy Piper take it from them on Cyber Sunday and eight days later, Rated-RKO got it from them on Nov 13. They brought it into 2007.

Finally, Trish Stratus was the WWE Women’s Champion at the beginning of 2006 and dropped it to Mickie James at WrestleMania 22 on April 2 after 448 days as champion. Mickie held it for 134 days until Lita took it from her on August 14. Trish won it back at Unforgiven and retired, vacating the title. Lita would win it on November 5 at Cyber Sunday and then Mickie won it 21 days later in Lita’s last match. Mickie would be Women’s Champ into 2007.

2006 was the last full year of separate PPVs for separate WWE brands until it happened again ten years later and it was the last year of the Ruthless Aggression Era as the PG Era came into play shortly after the Benoit Tragedy. The roster was thick and so was the blood.

Closing Statements: A good PPV, more spectacle than actual wrestling but the matches were fun and the end of the Rumble was fantastic.

On the Card will return on February 18 2017 with the Smackdown PPV No Way Out 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Drizzling shits.

Backstage, Sabu is being loaded into an ambulance. Don’t know why it’s taken so long for that to happen. RVD and CM Punk are there, ready to look disappointed.

Out come Daivari and the Great Khali. Well, they can go fuck themselves. Daivari shouts in a foreign language. The cheek of him! Don’t he know that this is America? The announcers attempt to big up Khali, who is not even wrestling this evening.

Tommy Dreamer’s music hits and the man himself comes out, not getting as big a pop as he should, really. The crowd chant for ECW as the bell rings.

Daivari (w/ The Great Khali) def. Tommy Dreamer via pin in 7:22.

Why isn’t Beulah out? She should be there, taking chokeslams from Khali or whatever. Daivari takes over at the start and Tommy goes after Khali until Daivari rolls back in the ring and gets a lovely hip toss for his effort. Daivari goes outside, takes an almost-countout and Tommy drop toe-holds him. Lovely baseball slide to Tommy’s head and Daivari is thrown into the barricade. In the ring, Dreamer give Daivari a lovely suplex and goes to bounce off the ropes but Khali pulls on them, causing Dreamer to fall outside the ring and for Khali to be ejected from ringside. Brilliant. Crowd are loving it.

In the ring, Tommy is being beaten on by Daivari and gets into a chinlock in the centre of the ring. Tommy gets slammed to the floor, gets an elbow drop and knees to the spine and elbows to the neck. The crowd urge Dreamer to “Fuck ‘em up.” More chinlocks, a rear-naked choke to be exact. Tommy’s fist pounds, fighting to his feet and lifting Daivari on his back until Dreamer falls back, slamming the pair of them down. Fists swing mid-ring and Daivari goes on his back. Lovely back-body drop and Dreamer gives Daivari the inverted DDT but gets no pin. Fireman’s carry followed by a rake to the eyes and Daivari goes top-rope. Dreamer attempts to throw him off but Daivari jumps for the headbutt and misses. Tommy fires Daivari into the Tree of Woe and the dropkick. Then Daivari hits the roll-up and wins.

2016 comments:

Crappy start, good middle, shitty ending.

2006 comments:

I was almost enjoying that.

Grade: C

Tommy, embarrassed, goes after Daivari. Khali appears and throws Tommy onto the Titantron. It is shitty and weak-looking even in the replay. In fact, they show the replay a number of times. Is Tommy legit hurt? Who is to know? Wait… wait… Tommy is sitting up! He’s fine. He’s back! He’s alive! Fuck yeah! Tommy Dreamer! ECW! Etc.

Paul Heyman is looking for someone and he finds Hardcore Holly. We all know what’s going to happen here. He suggests that Hardcore Holly replace Sabu. Bob Holly can’t act to save his life. God damned Sparky Plugg.

Mike Knox’s music plays and he comes out hand-in-hand with Kelly Kelly. It’s a mixed-gender tag team match. Yeo. This is going to be worth the airtime, I tell you what. Mike gives off to Kelly Kelly and as he goes to the corners, Kelly wishes CM Punk good luck in the Elimination Chamber. Christ.

Then Ariel and Kevin Thorn come out. They’re goths, you see. They’re called “two followers of vampirism”. As a kid, I loved Ariel, I thought she was the bees knees. Now, I see her as a semi-talented wrestler. Bell rings.

Intergender Tag Team match: Kevin Thorn and Ariel def. Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly via pin in 7:43.

The thing with having a male/female tag matches is that there are two kinds: intergender and mixed. In intergender, it works like a normal tag match where the legal partner tags in the one on the apron to help out in ring; in mixed, when two males are squaring off and one tags in his female partner, his opponent’s female partner must also tag in. The first is for hardcore and to allow lads to hit ladies; the second is a bit more PC and family friendly and stops the misogyny… or at least cuts back on it.

Thorn and Knox start off with Mike giving a few stretches and Kelly jumping on the apron. Kevin and Mike lock up. It is clear that Mike is the stronger of the two and Thorn wants to figure out his weaknesses. Quick dodge from Thorn and a punch to Knox’s face to knock him down. Ariel is distracting the cameraman with her arse. Knox tages over, pulling Thorn by the hair and knocking him to the ground with a huge punch. The pace here is slow and Ariel screams more than Melina. Lovely clothesline from Thorn and he gives Kelly a good hard stare. Tazz: “Good look there, Joey, like kismet… kismet, I say!”

Knox gives Thorn the big boot and goes for the pin but Kevin’s foot is on the rope. The crowd are going mental as Ariel is jumping up and down on the Apron as Knox gets Thorn in the headlock. The ladies haven’t been in yet but Ariel tags herself in and calls for Kelly Kelly to enter the ring. Kelly, just happy to be in attendance, points at herself as if to say, “My name is Kelly.” The crowd go mental. Ariel hits the big boot and gives Kelly a semi-tarantula on the ropes. A few punches and a crowd-pleasing boot to the throat follows. Ariel pulls on Kelly’s hair a lot. Kelly escapes Ariel’s hold and reaches for Mike but gets pulled back. Ariel does a bad dance and as Kelly goes to tag in Mike, he walks away, keeping her in the ring. Ariel takes over, giving her the fallaway chokeslam and sitting on Kelly’s face for the pin in 7:43.

2016 comments:

Godammit, so close to being a good match! If the boys had a bit more back-and-forth and the hot tag were better built up, this could have been a winner.

2006 comments:

If I just, like, hang about in Hot Topic, can I find a girl that looks like Ariel? I wouldn’t want to go out with her, just look at her for a while.

Grade: C

Ariel is about to leave but returns to Kelly to beat on her some more. The bell rings and… Oh yeah, it’s Sandman. Coming in for what reason? It’s in his contract, probably. The man stops, busts open a beer, busts open his own face, goes into the ring, swings his Singapore cane about and whips Kevin Thorn like a motherfucker. Sandman chases him up the ramp and whips him backstage, taking out a second beer and guzzling it, throwing it to the crowd afterwards. What a guy. What a terrible, terrible guy.

We’re getting ready for the Extreme Elimination Chamber and backstage, Rebecca DiPietro interviews Bobby Lashley, showing a promo of Bobby being screwed over by Paul Heyman during a match with Big Show. Bobby is upset about that. Rebecca mutters her way through a question and Bobby stumbles through his answer.

Cut to the Big Show, Bob Holly and Test walking to the ring with Paul E Dangerously and his goon squad.

Cut to a promo of the six men who will be fighting in the elimination chamber. This one is different because there are weapons. Funnily enough, this promo still has Sabu in it, which is good Kayfabe, I suppose. We see Bobby, CM Punk, RVD, Test, Sabu and Big Show hit people. Two miles of chain in the Elimination Chamber, apparently. The other stats don’t matter.

ECW music hits and out comes Paul E Dangerously himself, now known as Paul Heyman. He’s a great lad all together. He tells the crowd that this is their main event. The crowd cheer. As he talks, one member of the crowd tells him he sucks. He name-checks Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair – big woos from the crowd – and makes it out that he’s some sort of god in wrestling. He mentions Sabu and the crowd are not happy about this.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Sabu was removed from the chamber due to rumours that there was aminosity surrounding him and the Fed don’t respect him due to his reliance on hardcore matches.

Paul tells us that the time of Sabu and RVD has come to an end. Big boos. Heyman is riling the crowd up and the chamber lowers. The crowd is dead, no one is moving, no one his happy. Tazz says that he felt like he was welcome in the chamber. That’s true. He isn’t welcome anywhere near the damn thing.

The rules pop up, telling us that five minute intervals will open each pod with a new wrestler and new weapon.

Big Show’s music hits and the man comes down to the ring with his ECW world championship. He enters the chamber, look around and is ordered into a pod with the barbed wire baseball bat. He tests the barbed wire. Apparently, it is real.

CM Punk’s music hits and down he comes. Big Show’s face is against the plastic like a dog stuck in a car. Punk hops into the ring and is asked to go to a pod. He does, but not before harassing the Big Show in his. Big Show has forced his arm out of the pod already.

Test’s music hits and the crowd is silent. Ould Roidy Magoo comes down with his huge belly and his lack of talent. Tazz calls him one of the most intense athletes in the ECW roster, which is a lie. Big Show claps for Test and the ear-pierced idiot is put into a pod with a crowbar. By Christ, what is Gordon Freeman doing in a wrestling match?

Three pods filled and number four comes down: Bobby Lashley. Pathetic pyro. Lashley is the babyface, but not the fan favourite. Lashley is put in a pod with a table so that he can begin to make a refreshing meal for the other gentlemen. Paul Heyman is watching intently.

Hardcore Holly’s music hits and old Elroy Jetson himself comes to the ring with no humour at all. Awful. The crowd are going to hate him because he’s not Sabu and he’s terrible. Test applauds him with much difficulty.

Finally, we have our man RVD, coming to the ring stoned and all stretched out with his Ying and Yang. He takes his time coming to the ring because he, like everyone here, is not looking forward to this shitshow. RVD and CM Punk are good but Big Show gets gassed early, Holly has no empathy, Bobby is good but too much of a babyface and Test might well eat someone by mistake. The bell rings and the clock starts counting down from five minutes.

Extreme Elimination Match: Bobby Lashley def. Big Show (c) (w/ Paul Heyman), Rob Van Dam, Hardcore Holly, CM Punk and Test via elimination in 24:42.

Twenty-four, forty-two. The palindromic number. RVD and Holly lock up and bounce back and forth as the announcers remind us of the last ten minutes of intros. Holly throws Van Dam out of the ring and in reply, RVD jumps to the cage wall from the turnbuckle and back at Holly. Tazz wonders, “How does he do that?” By jumping. Holly throws RVD into the side of the chamber and gives him a gentle bodyslam before going to the top rope and attempting a top-rope nothing to which RVD reverses. RVD gives a huge Rolling Thunder over the top rope. Holly has a lovely wee lie down and RVD gets a suplex into the ring. Holly attempts a pin and fails. Tazz tells us that the biggest weapon in the Elimination Chamber… is the chamber itself.

Holly dropkicks RVD and the crowd counts down as the flashing roulette of fear opens up CM Punk’s pod. The straight edge lad jumps out, throws a chair at Holly and springboards right off the ropes onto RVD. He throws the chair at RVD, who catches it and throws it back. Then the two put on a better show in a minute than Holly has done in his entire career. Van Dam got bust open at some point and has his head put through the chair in the corner. Holly goes to pin Punk after flinging him into the side of the chamber and fails. Holly boots on Punk and the crowd chant for our boy Phil. RVD is badly bust and there are still two minutes to wait before someone else comes in. Holly suplexes Punk onto the ropes. Holly lifts Punk onto the top rope and there is a huge superplex from the top rope. RVD takes advantage and tries to pin Punk but fails. We have thirty seconds before another pod opens and the crowd are crazy for RVD.

The roulette of pain spins and Test comes out, the useless fuck. He sticks the crowbar’s spike into RVD’s forehead and gets a stunner from Punk. RVD is up with a chair, hitting Test a shot in the head followed by Holly and finally a dropkick with the chair to Punk. Five-Star Frog Splash and Punk is pinned.

CM Punk has been eliminated by RVD in 12:35.

Well that’s the crowd off side now. They’re not going to like that. Test big boots Holly and pins him for the elimination to no fanfare.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by Test in 12:45.

RVD climbs on top of the Big Show’s pod and the man leans through to grab him. Test gets up and hits RVD twice with a chair. Test pulls RVD off the pod, puts a chair on him and climbs up top to hit the massive elbow drop for the pin.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 14:15.

Big Show watches on, a look of horrific ecstasy on his face. The crowd are calling “Bullshit!” even though Test’s elbow drop was pretty impressive… for Test. We’re not dealing with Match of the Year types here, guys. We have New Year’s Baby and Roidy Magoo in here. C’mon. Lower the old standards.

The timer counts down and the penultimate pod opens: Bobby Lashley. But wait! Someone outside is keeping the pod locked. What is the meaning of this? Is there an unknown rule whereby if Bobby fails to leave his pod then he will be disqualified? It’s okay, though, he just uses his table to smash through some steel chains and escape. What a shitty spot.

Lashley escapes, beats on Test mercilessly and throws him into the blocked pod, smashing it open. Bobby throws Test around. The crowd are rabid by this point. Test takes over and holds Lashley by the foot, goes to take his chair and Bobby boots him in the face followed by a fair few clotheslines and a lovely suplex. Lashley gets the crowbar and spears Test, pinning him.

Test has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 19:42.

Here we go… Bobby alone in the Elimination Chamber with our boy The Big Show. Paul Heyman is giving Show a bit of a pep talk and with forty seconds left, Bobby is setting up a table to throw at Show, who stares out at him. Bobby chucks a chair at it, too and the pod opens when the time runs out. Big Show slowly walks out with the barbed wire baseball bat and wails on Bobby who only has the chair to protect himself. Bobby ducks and the barbed wire baseball bat is stuck in the chains. The ref has to remove it. Big Show is bust and Bobby throws him into a pod, beating on Show mercilessly.

Show smashes out, damn near knocking a cameraman over. Bobby bounces off the wall as if it is a ring rope. Show chucks him over the rope into the ring. Show calls for the chokeslam and Lashley is about to take it, countering it into a DDT. Paul Heyman looks on in horror. Lashley is up and the two men are swinging fists at each other. Bobby jumps into Lashley’s arms and escapes, bouncing about to give a huge spear to Big Show, winning the match in 24:42

2016 comments:

Good start, shitty middle, horrible ending.

2006 comments:

I don’t understand.

Grade: C

Bobby celebrates as our boy Paul looks on in horror and dismay. Tazz wonders how Lashley did it. With little difficulty. CM Punk and RVD did most of the hard work, being honest. He leaves, clapping hands and holding the championship aloft. Big pyro hits and Bobby’s dead happy.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I gotta say for the ten seconds or so that CM Punk was in this PPV, he kicked arse.

Woman of the Matches: Ariel. No doubt.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk!

Best Spot: Jeff’s catapult-to-moonsault onto MNM.

Hatches: Kevin Thorn, Balls Mahoney and Daivari.

Matches: Only one title was on the line and it changed hands: Bobby Lashley wins his first reign as ECW champion.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: This is renowned as the worst PPV of all time, certainly the worst-grossing, but was it really that bad? The last match was an indication of the entire PPV: It started okay and got steadily worse except for a bit in the middle where it was okay again. This PPV could have been so much bigger and better but backstage squabbles, lack of planning and preparation makes it just so. It’s still better than wrasslin’ used to be, mind.

On the Card will return on December 17 2016 with the Smackdown PPV Armageddon 2006.