Ruthless Aggression #17. Backlash (April 29, 2007) Part 1

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #17 Backlash – April 29, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on April 29, 2007, Backlash 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Backlash 2007

No tagline this time, but the posted is a brilliant parody of The Shining, with Edge looking through a smashed door with an evil grin on his face.

The PPV starts off with a video package showing us what happened at WrestleMania: Undertaker won, Vince got his head shaved and Cena beat Michaels. Vince gets his revenge against Bobby by putting his title on the line after beating him down.

Batista threatens Undertaker and Taker replies by wanting to steal Batista’s soul. Shawn and Cena fought, Cena won and Edge and Randy want a title as well. Three championships are on the line tonight… but also the women’s championship.

Raw, Smackdown and ECW present WWE Backlash! Big pyro hits as we are welcomed to the soled out Philips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia where 14,500 people are crammed in to see the ninth annual Backlash. 194,000 bought it at home, a pathetic drop from the 220,000 the year previous and the worst ratings in a PPV so far this year. Only ECW One Night Stand in June would have lower PPV buys. Our announce team are Jumpin’ Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Joey Styles, Tazz, Maggle Cole and Cunt JBL.

Jerking the curtain for the fifth PPV in a row are the Hardys.

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Carlito and Johnny Nitro. What? Why? Put… actually, there’s no one really you can put on the preshow because the rest of the matches are money.!)

Team Extreme rock down to the ring, tag team belts around their waists after winning it from Cena and Michaels the day after WrestleMania. Obviously their amazing match caused… dissention!

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch rock down, looking like a pair of hillbillies. Great. Remind me of the gosh-darned Godwinns.

World Tag Team Championship match: The Hardy Boyz (Matt and Jeff) (c) vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

I’ve changed up the titles of the matches. Putting champion first or in order of appearance.

Wait, why did the challengers appear second? This doesn’t make any sense!

Fat Matt starts off and our boy Lance Cade is ready in his red pants. Lance shoves Matt into the corner. Both men are put over by the announcers. Headlock into a pin and Lance tips Matt over for a pin attempt of his own. Irish whip, elbow to the face and the heel Cade hits Matt with a clenched fist, the bastard. Murdoch pops in and gets punched in the face. Matt has Lance in a headlock but the big man powers through and shoves Matt into the corner to tag in Murdoch. Lovely body slam and Jeff comes in to a big pop, but he tags out quickly.

Lovely double team on Murdoch and Jeff hits a Whispers in the Wind pin, causing Cade to pop in and Matt to throw him out. Matt gets on all fours and we see a lovely Poetry in Motion over the top rope and out of the ring. Very safe catch from the challengers. Matt goes to Bret’s rope and hits the axe-handle nothing, bulldog attempt from the corner and Lance comes back in. Big “Let’s go, Hardys!” chant rises. Matt is in the beat down portion of the match, but escapes after a Russian Leg Sweep and Jeff comes in to clear house. Good man, Jeff. Lance attempts a baseball slide but Lance drags him out. Cade attempts the pin but finds nothing. Lovely spinebuster-powerbomb and Matt helps out the pin. Lance does a lovely atomic-drop-leg-drop Murdoch holds Jeff while Lance hits him. Lovely clothesline and pin attempt.

Murdoch is in, attempts a suplex, rolls it up into a pin, Murdoch gives the big boot and Lance is back in. I just realised that the hard cam is in the wrong position, with the entrance to the right of the screen. I wonder why. Snapmare, lovely headlock and the crowd is building to the hot tag after Jeff hits the jawbreaker. Murdoch is in, though, hitting Jeff with a backdrop and there’s a revolving door of beating up Jeff until the hot tag builds. Jeff hits a reverse enziguri, Matt is knocked off the apron to big boos and Murdoch attempts a lovely axe-handle smash. Jeff counters it, goes for the hot tag and Matt is in, clearing house. Bulldog to Murdoch and pin attempt. A Poetry in Motion attempt but Lance pulls Murdoch to safety. Matt goes to hit the Twist of Fate, fails, hits a Side Effect and in the pin, Lance dives out of nowhere. Murdoch attempts a pin but Matt kicks out and JR says, “A damaged Matt Hardy,” a good decade before it’s popular.

Murdoch hits a lovely sunset flip pin and then has a tantrum when Matt kicks out. Jeff and Land are getting ready. Matt escapes a suplex, hits the Twist of Fate and as Lance pulls Matt out to hit him, Jeff hits the Swanton. Matt escapes Lance’s clutches and gets the pin.

Matt Hardy has pinned Trevor Murdoch to retain the World Tag Team titles in 14:18

2017 comments:

Good opener, once again. I didn’t expect much from Trevor Murdoch or Lance Cade, but they did a good job. Match was slower paced and leading towards a huge spot that never really came. Enjoyable but forgettable.

2007 comments:

I wish Matt and Jeff could go back to just hitting lads with tables and ladders and chairs.

Grade: B.

Matt and Jeff celebrate. A sign in the crowd says, “Jeff, please Swonton [sic] Bomb me.” Replay of the ending. Almost a heelish move by the faces. Very cheeky. We actually get to hear the ending riff of the Hardy’s theme. The announcers put over the “huge rock concert” crowd for the Hardys.

Backstage, Umaga breathes heavily. Shane bigs him up. Shane does tell him, however, to listen to both Shane and Vince. Vince has a do-rag on to cover his bald head. Shane says, “Cool.” Vince is telling Shane that one of the two of them could be ECW champion. Vince says it should be Shane and then looks a bit annoyed. Shane returns and says that Vince deserves to be Champ considering Bobby shaved his head bald. Vince accepts this and Shane looks a bit miffed.

Back in the arena, Melina’s music hits. Jerry says, “Let me put my phone down… and grab my binoculars!” Once again, the champ is coming out first. What is with that? Melina is wearing a weird leopard print affair. She leg drops the apron.

Mickie James’ music hits and out she comes, waving to the crowd and getting little response.

WWE Women’s Championship match: Melina (c) vs. Mickie James.

Normally, the women’s match would be the piss-break match – and has been until quite recently when talented young women have been brought up – and here we have Mickie, who is quite good and passionate against Melina, who is a Diva and has not impressed in the ring recently.

Nice fireman’s carry from Mickie. JR says that this match might get out of order quickly due to their tempers and King says that we might see an actual wrestling match. JR says that he loves a wrestling match but also loves him a good catfight. The crowd chant for Mickie and she locks Melina up in a head scissors. Side headlock. Mickie checks her tits as Melina checks her eyes. She actually takes her contact out and then sucker punches Mickie. Great stuff. Mickie has Melina in the corner, lovely monkey flip, pin and nothing. Mickie goes top rope and Melina tosses her out. Ref starts the ten count and rolls in before the ref can count her out. Ref is very nice about making sure that the shoulders are down. Melina hits a tarantula on the ropes and JR says that it doesn’t matter if there’s a DQ – Melina keeps the championship either way. Melina goes top-rope and basically hangs Mickie from the turnbuckle. God damn.

Mickie fights back and the crowd pops. Melina sentons Mickie and JR quips: “That’s that you call ‘using all your assets’.” Mickie gives Melina a kick and both women get they gets kicked out to make a lovely double-split spot. Mickie dropkicks Melina twice. Long two-count. Mickie hits a great clothesline followed by another followed by a hair-pull and a fantastic sit-out neckbreaker. Close three count. Crowd are into this match now. Mickie hits a lovely crossbody and Melina replies with a reverse DDT for the pin.

Melina has pinned Mickie James to retain the Women’s title in 9:02.

2017 comments:

Great women’s match. Great match regardless of gender.

2007 comments:

Women can wrassle?!

Grade: A.

On the Card will return on May 6 2017 with the second part of Backlash 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Cunt Trump.

Cut to John Cena baby promo. What a guy. I love Cena.

It’s Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole as they remind us of the dark match that aired before WrassleMania with the lumberjack match. They run through the entire card and remind us how this has been the best WrestleMania ever. They are interrupted by the Lumberjills! Talentless hacks Jillian Hall, Candice Michelle, Kelly Kelly, Trinity, Torrie Wilson, Brooke, Kristal Marshall, Michelle McCool and Maria and talented ladies Mickie James, Layla and Victoria. This is the third piss-break match of the evening. Cunt JBL is loving it.

Ashley Massaro’s music hits and out she comes to farty streamers. Christ. Shameful all together, Ashley. The announcers big up Ashley’s Playboy cover and the fact that she’s attractive.

Melina appears, complete with papparazi and fur hood. No jacket, just a hoof. She has the women’s title belt with her and holds it over her head as she walks to the ring. Her tights have patterns on the front and back to make it look like she is wearing a nude suit.

Lumberjill match for the WWE Women’s Championship: Melina (c) def. Ashley Massaro via pin in 3:40.

Let’s get into this, I suppose. Ashley batters onto Melina, who rolls out and is tossed back in. Botched roll-up and Ashley is thrown into the ropes. Boot to the throat and Melina takes a couple of forearms to the face. Maggle reminds us that he is a straight man who likes women. Melina swings Ashley by her legs, botches a pin and Ashley kicks out. Melina lifts Ashley up in some attempt at a bow and arrow. Ashley hits a head scissors. The crowd is dead. Lovely monkey flip from Ashers and she tries to drop the elbow but misses. Melina is confused that this doesn’t somehow get her a pin. Botched pin gives Melina the win in 3:40.

2017 comments:

Piece of shit.

2007 comments:

I just wish that they’d go back to 1997 and have no women’s matches rather than this garbage.

Grade: Not a real match. Exploitation of women should never be graded.

This waste of time is followed up by Ashers throwing Melina out and the ladies jump in and there’s a schmoz. It’s horrific. Mickie checks her top and doesn’t get a chance to pair up with anyone. The faces all wave and smile and shout at one another. Waste of time and a waste of money. People will pay to see good women’s wrestling, but you need good women wrestlers, God dammit. Makes me happy that I watch wrasslin’ now with Charlotte, Bayley, Sasha, Paige (when sober), Becky Lynch et al. Women who are also wrestlers.

Not the Bellas though, fuck them.

Cut to a Shawn Michaels promo showing him as he has grown up and been a great wrassler. Still a child at heart, our Shawn.

We have fifty minutes left of the pay-per-view and 59% think John Cena will win the championship and 41% think Shawn will win. This is going to be a great match.

Promo showing Randy, Edge and Shawn squaring off for the chance to go to WrestleMania 23. Shawn wins and John is pleased with this. We see the Doctor of Thuganomics and the Showstopper do their moves in slow motion. Shawn superkicks, Cena FUs. Hustle, Loyalty, Respect. It’s a fucking terrific promo, actually, and really bigs up the face-vs-face match. This is the biggest one since Stone Cold/Rock of 2001. We see Shawn Sweet Chin Musicing Cena, thus making him the semi-heel.

Back to the arena and Lillian introduces the-

Oh fuck, Shawn, are you still using the DX music? Come in to Sexy Boy, for God’s sake. I keep wishing they would cut and change it in the middle of it. Shawn showboats for the crowd and gives the audience a seizure. He hits the crotch chops and big X pyro hits. Cena and Michaels are tag team champs. It would have been great to have them fight earlier in the night and defend their titles before they come out for this. Really get more drama from this. Shawn hits his sexy boy pose and very weak pyro goes off above him. Michaels gives a face to the ref as the image cuts to a Mustang screeching through the roads on the way to Ford Field, barrelling down into the underground and the car smashes clean through the WrestleMania glass to reveal-

Dun dun dun dun! John Ceeeeeena! He pops up to the ramp, gives the salute and rocks down to the ring, full of piss and vinegar. I do adore Cena. I do not look forward to hearing the truth about him that he beats up kids or whatever. Shawn does not look impressed. Belt is shown to both men. They stare each other out. Ref carries out checks on both men to ensure neither have weapons.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) def. Shawn Michaels via submission in 28:22.

It’s difficult to see who is the underdog here – probably Shawn. He’s also the most heelish of the two. They both gesture to one another and stand toe-to-toe. Shawn offers his hand and the two speak. Cena is annoyed and Shawn slaps him. Cena is knocked down by the chops and Shawn crotch chops. Rascal. Cena is frustrated. Lock-up and Shawn gets Cena into a headlock, out-manoeuvring him every step of the way. Cena lifts Michaels for the backdrop but Shawn lands it and once again knocks Cena down. Cena takes his time standing up and Shawn gestures to him. Slowly, they both stand up and once again, Cena gets the bad end of it and is the victim of a snapmare. Chat of, “Let’s go, Cena/Cena sucks!” rises.

Another snapmare from Cena and a pin attempt followed by another. Michaels ducks once, twice and on the third, Cena clotheslines Shawn down. Both men share a wicked look and Shawn jumps up, hitting Cena with the Thesz press. Shawn lands on the apron after being thrown out, guillotines Cena and then hip-tosses him outside. Lovely knife-edge chop to Cena from Michaels. Shawn throws Cena onto the table, hits a lovely springboard moonsault but fails to break the table. Undeterred, Shawn rolls Cena back in the ring, chops Cena in one corner, bops Cena with the forearm, gives him another chop and throws him into the corner. Cena attempts to kick, Michaels catches it and attacks his knee. Michaels then works the knee, kicking it, battering it against the ringpost. It looks like a shoot fight. Great psychology here. Fair play to the pair of yis.

Referee Mike Chioda gives off to both men and allows Shawn to hit another knife-edge chop on Cena and King tells us that he did not expect this type of match. I don’t think anyone did. Which is great! Shawn gets down to Cena’s level and both men are having a wee chat. The pace has slowed down and Both men are tired. They trade blows for a bit and Cena eventually gives a big right-hand to take Cena down. JR tells us that a one-legged man cannot be WWE Champ… no offense to any one-legged men. Cena throws Shawn away and as Shawn dives over, Cena dodge, allowing Michaels to hit the ringpost. The camera stays on Cena so that Michaels can have a chance to blade.

His eyebrow bust, Michaels gets unsteadily to his feet. Cena batters on Michaels, hammers him in the face and uses this momentum to hit the sit-out powerbomb, five-knuckle shuffle to great boos. Michaels gets to his feet and Cena lifts him for an FU, Shawn escapes but allows himself to be turned inside out by the Irish whip. He dodges another FU attempt, Cena ducks the superkick and ref takes a bump. Cena picks Michaels up for the FU, Shawn counters it into a DDT and both men have a lovely sit down. Michaels is bleeding, spitting, and gets the steel ring steps, drags Cena around and hits a piledriver on Cena. It looks nasty. Cena has a big-ass head and chances are that Cena’s head would not have been totally protected. Cena sells like death and as Michaels rolls him back into the ring, we see that Cena’s head is cut open. Christ. That looked messy.

In the ring, Shawn calls for a new ref and down rolls Jack Doan who hits the one, two and Cena kicks out. Shawn lifts Cena up and Cena wakes enough to counted an Irish whip. Michaels hits the shoulder barge, kip-up, goes to the top rope to hit the elbow and lands it. He showboats for a while and Cena finally gets up, Shawn tunes up the band and as he goes for Sweet Chin Music, Cena clotheslines him down. Michaels spits and the two men trade punches. Cena lifts Shawn for the FU but Michaels rolls around and there is a sunset pin that gets a two-count. Cena picks Shawn up for another FU and gets it. The crowd is on their feet and a lot of them are not happy. Cena gets the cover but Shawn kicks out. Thunderous applause.

Cena picks up Shawn onto the turnbuckle and keeps him there with a brave few punches. Cena attempts the super-FU but Michaels escapes, punches Cena until he falls, hits the lariat but Cena rolls through, lifting Shawn up for another FU. Michaels escapes, attempts the Sweet Chin Music but Cena drop-toe-holds him, attempts the STFU and Shawn rolls it into a pin attempt. Michaels attempts the enziguri, misses and Cena locks in the STFU. Shawn attempts to get to the ropes, gets there and the ref manhandles Cena and shouts at him. Michaels takes advantage of the situation to hit Sweet Chin Music. Shawn covers Cena but only gets a two-count. Cena and Shawn have a lovely wee chat for a while. Some arseholes in the crowd keep crotch chopping when the camera is on them. Big ten count and both men are up before then, leaning on each other. Cena lifts Shawn up for the FU, Michaels escapes, drop-toe hold and Michaels is caught in the STFU and taps out in 28:22.

2017 comments:

Great match. Great psychology. Not fantastic rate of work, though.

2007 comments:

Poor Shawn. At least you tried.

Grade: A.

JR bigs up the match and WrestleMania and life in general. King agrees with him. John Cena lifts the belt and big-ass pyro hits. He points to the camera and says, “This win is for you,” and King suggests that he’s talking about his daddy, John Cena Sr. Replays of the match. We see the close-falls, the FUs, the SCMs, the STFUs, the HBKs.

Cena stops Michaels on his way down the ramp. Michaels walks away from him and salutes him. Why the pair of them couldn’t hug is beyond me. Big glitter falls from the sky. JR thanks us and wishes us goodnight.

There follows a package showing WrestleManias of years past as well as clear references within this ‘Mania.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I would have love to nominate Shawn Michaels for his great match but he’s already won at SummerSlam 06, so I’m nominating Stone Cold Steve Austin for Stunnering Cunt President Donald Trump and doing what the majority of the planet want to do.

Woman of the Matches: No one.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: No one!

Best Spot: Jeff Hardy leg dropping Edge on the ladder.

Hatches: Cunt President Donald Trump appears for the first and, thankfully, last time this blog. Layla competed for the first and last time, as did Maria and Snitsky. Stone Cold appeared for the first time since Judgment Day 2002. As it is WrestleMania, a lot of people have turned up after a long absence including Balls, Charlie Haas, Dave Taylor, Elijah Burke, Hacksaw, Little Guido, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker, Rory and Robbie McAllister, Stevie Richards, Sylvan, Val Venis and Vince.

Matches: Mr. Kennedy becomes the third Money in the Bank champion; [REDACTED] Benoit retains his US Championship, in his fifth reign; Vince loses his hair; The Undertaker defeats Batista to secure his first reign as World Heavyweight Champion; Melina defeats Ashley Massaro to retain her WWE Women’s Championship for her first reign; and John Cena defeats Shawn Michaels to retain his WWE Championship in his third reign.

Dispatches: We say goodbye to the following people in this era: Ariel, Ashley Massaro, Balls Mahoney, Cunt Bob Holly, Brian Kendrick, Brooke, Dairvari, Cunt President Donald Trump, Eugene, Finlay, Hurricane Helms, Jamie Noble, Jillian Hall, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, JTG, Kelly Kelly, Kevin Thorn, Kristal, Layla, Little Guido, Viscera, Maria, Michelle McUndertakerwife, Paul London, Mr. Kennedy, Robbie and Rory McAllister, Sabu (thank Christ), Scotty 2 Hotty, Shad Gaspard, Shannon Moore, Sho Funaki, Snitsky, Kenny Dykstra, Steven Richards, Stone Cold, Sylvan, The Miz, Torrie Wilson, Trinity, Val Venis and Victoria.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels (Summerslam 06), [REDACTED] Benoit (Survivor Series ’06), Joey Mercury (Royal Rumble 07).

Nominated for Man of the Matches: Jimmy Wang Yang and Stone Cold Steve Austin

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Stone Cold!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell (Summerslam 06), Trish Stratus (Survivor Series 06), Victoria (Royal Rumble 07).

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: N/A and N/A.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… No one because the women were shite!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania, I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. This list is a bit shorter due to the fact that the shows have been so recent.

• Andrew James Robert Patrick Martin AKA Test, March 17 1975 – March 13 2009; accidental overdose of oxycodone.
• Christopher Michael Benoit, May 21 1967 – June 29 2009; hanging.
• Edward Smith Fatu AKA Umaga, March 28 1973 – December 4 2009; heart attack caused by acute toxicity.
• Harry Fujiwara AKA Mr. Fuji, May 4 1934 – August 28 2016; old age. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by Don “The Rock” Muraco.
• Jonathan “Jon” Rechner AKA Balls Mahoney, April 11 1972 – April 12 2016; heart attack.
• Lance Kurtis McNaught AKA Lance Cade, March 2 1981 – August 13 2010; heart failure caused by intoxication from mixed drugs.
• Nelson Lee Frazier Jr AKA Viscera AKA Mabel AKA Big Daddy V, February 14 1971 – February 18 2014; heart attack.
• Roderick George Toombs AKA Rowdy Roddy Piper, April 17 1954 – July 31 2015; cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Ric Flair in 2005.
• Virgil Riley Runnels Jr AKA Dusty Rhodes, October 12 1945 – June 11 2015; a bad fall. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by his sons, Cody (Stardust) and Dustin (Goldust).

Closing Statements: It was a good WrestleMania. Not amazing, but certainly better than most of the PPVs previous. The ladder match was fun as was the Benoit/MVP match. The main event was not as good as I expected it to be, but still of a very high standard and the psychology was wonderful.

On the Card will return on April 29 2017 with Backlash 2007.

 

Ruthless Aggression #13: New Year’s Revolution (Jan 7 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: A great opener and a “special match” which was shite.

Cut to the back and Vince and Coach as they speak about Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell. Very relevant, considering today. Vince books Donald vs. Rosie for Raw the next night. Coach sucks up to Vince, who walks away, disgusted. Ron Simmons appears behind Coach and says “Damn.”

Back to the arena, JR and Jerry big up this match as Kenny Dykstra comes down, dressed as Ric Flair and tells the ref to hold the ropes open for him. We show from Raw last week where Rated-RKO beat on the Nature Boy after Kenny beat him. Kenny cuts a shitty promo and Ric interrupts him.

Flair comes down and his robe is superior in many ways. Flair himself, of course, is one hundred and something years old, made of leather and is, in many ways, very disgusting.

Kenny Dykstra def. Ric Flair via pin in 10:02.

Lots of “wooo!”s from the crowd as the pair lock up. Kenny knocks Flair to the ground and gives it the Flair strut. Crowd start telling Kenny that he sucks and King calls them on it. Kenny punching Flair in the corner and Ric returns a few slaps that the crowd react to. Crowd is mostly dead despite a lovely back body drop from the Nature Boy. Kenny is thrown outside and the crowd cheer as Flair struts. Flair hits the hangman and Flair woos and runs around the ring. Flair hits a suplex to the outside as JR says “Golly” and “Doggone” in the same sentence. Kenny attempts the cover but gets naught and so gives Flair another suplex.

Kenny gets Flair in the old Boston Crab. Turns out that Kenny had just turned twenty in March 2006, so he is super young to be in this at all. Great stuff. Flair is having a lovely lie down and that super fan with the red hat in the front row is roaring at Flair. “Get up!” he cries, “Get up, you wallet!” Flair finally breaks the hold and Kenny gives him a couple of boots to the chest for his effort. Flair chops back and gets a big reaction from the crowd. Flair flops but Kenny returns to him, goes to apply the figure four but Flair reverses it into a roll-up. Flair goes to the top rope. Super fan says no. Kenny gives Flair a body slam from the top rope. Kenny jumps to the top rope, hits the missile dropkick and gets the shoulder up. Flair gives the thumb to the eye followed by two shots to Kenny’s knee. He gets ready for the figure four and the crowd goes wild for Kenny to tap. Oh, by Christ, they’re going bananas. Each time Kenny falls back, the ref goes for the pin. Kenny finally reaches the bottom rope.

Flair is going crazy on Flair in the corner and Kenny hits the low blow followed by a roll-up for the win in 10:02.

2016 comments:

Technically a good match, but a mess in the execution and crowd were so quiet that you’d think it was the piss-break match.

2006 comments:

Eugh.

Grade: C

Cut to Johnny Mundo in the backstage and he tells Melina to call Joey and tell her that the Hardys must pay. His balls are sore as well and that is important. Melina leaves and is intercepted by Victoria who needs Melina to write her name on a piece of paper so that Victoria can have a chance at the Women’s Championship. She then leaves before Melina signs.

Quick promo of Victoria coming to the ring for weeks with a checklist of her opponents, knocking them all off and ticking their names off on the list. We see that the crowd is dead during each match despite Victoria trying to do her best.

Back in the arena, Victoria’s must hits and she comes down to the ring with a pout on her face. She tells JR and King to “watch and learn,” to which JR replies with, “Happy new year.” JR puts her over.

Mickie’s music hits and down she skips to the ring with a face on her. Mickie taunts the crowd and Jerry tells us that he loves women’s matches and he is sure his fans do too. Yes, they do, Jerry, but they are the wrong type of fans.

WWE Women’s Championship match: Mickie James (c) def Victoria via pin in 6:49.

The women circle each other and Victoria gives Mickie a push. JR puts Victoria over. Awful full Nelson slam followed by a submission from Victoria. Mickie escapes an armbar with a cartwheel and the pair hold each other for a while. Shitty crowd, by the way. Some arm drag takedowns followed by a dropkick and Mickie is in control. Mickie goes to Bret’s rope but is kicked out to the outside by Victoria, who gives her a baseball slide followed by a Samoan Drop onto the barricade. Victoria gives a look to Lilian, who stands, hands on hips, confused. Mickie attempts a roll-up but fails. Victoria heels it up with some lovely chokes and a knee to the back. Victoria gives Mickie a hair pull toss and JR calls her a “sexy little Frisbee.” Victoria hits the Brets-rope-standing-moonsault but Mickie rolls away. Lovely bunch of clotheslines and Mickie is in control, punching Victoria in circles, hitting the clothesline and just failing to get the three. Victoria takes over but Mickie hits the head-scissor takedown, runs at Victoria on the apron and the crowd boo as Melina turns up to help Victoria. Melina gets slapped, Mickie goes for the DDT but Maria and Candice turn up, messing up the next few spots until Mickie reverses a powerslam into a DDT and gets the pin in 6:49.

2016 comments:

Wow. An actual not-bad women’s match. The ending made it look shit, but everything before was fine, just fine.

2006 comments:

Is… is this what women’s wrestling is supposed to be like?

Grade: C

Promo for the upcoming Tag Team match with Edge introducing Ric Flair onto the Cutting Edge. He arrived covered in blood and got a bunch of chair shots to the head. Pretty gruesome. Shawn is pretty upset that Rated-RKO did that. Edge hits Trips with a steel chair at a RAW and then the Rated-R superstar and the Legend killed kick seven shades of shite out of DX. Very obvious chair shots to the ground as opposed to the heads of their opponents.

“Are you ready?” DX’s music asks. The crowd cheers in response. The men come out, giving people epileptic fits with their strobed entrance. Trips holds water in his mouth for far too long before spitting it and then they crotch-chop some pyro. Shawn gives us a wee run in a circle. Good man yourself. DX were once one of the most over tag teams in the Fed and here they are, pandering to the crowd like a pair of Hulk Hogans. Trips gets the mic, thinks for a while and asks them if they are ready. They are. There is no discussion. Trips says that right now, the fans are seeing the, “frosty, sugary side of DX,” which Shawn likes, but soon they will see the “ass-kicking side of DX,” which doesn’t sound like a nice cupcake or whatever.

Rated-RKO’s awesome music hits and they pair of bastards turn up with Edge looking serious as fuck. DX jump out and run to the ramp to beat on Rated-RKO before the match begins. Edge is thrown into the crowd and suplexed back into the arena. Randy gets some lovely chops from our boy Shawn. Trips back-body drops Edge onto the steel of the ramp. Michaels is about to take a suplex but denies it, throwing Randy into the steel steps. Shawn and Edge make it into the ring and finally the bell rings.

WWE Tag Team Championship match: Rated-RKO (Randy Orton and Edge) (c) def D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) via no contest in 23:20.

Shawn takes no prisoners with Edge and DX chants rise as Trips is tagged in, pulling on Edge’s nose. We see a rare tweener babyface team here as Shawn distracts the ref. Trips chuck Edge into the corner and Shawn hangs on the ropes, booting Edge in the face before being tagged in. Edge dodges a spear from Shawn and Randy is tagged in. Orton punches Michaels in the corner but Michaels hits a lovely snapmare and kicks Orton in the head. Another shot to the ribs and Trips is tagged in, hitting Orton in the face with a lovely punch, giving him a knee drop. Shawn distracts the ref again as Trips hits Orton in the face on the apron. Another ref distraction and Shawn gives Orton a leg drop. Orton is bleeding already from a cut on his forehead. Did he blade? I saw it not.

Shawn has some of Orton’s blood on his chin as he gives Orton some lovely shots, hoping to bleed him further. Trips then does it loads, opening up the Legend Killer. Edge gives Trips a cheap shot and is pulled into the ring. Ref distraction again and now it’s Rated-RKO’s turn to double team. Edge comes in, boots Trips a bunch and steps back to give Trips some air. The crowd chant for DX as Trips has a wee lie down in the corner. Edge works on Trips’ leg and showboats for the crowd. He hits a “woo!” attempts a figure four but Trips fights back. Shawn comes in for the hot tag but cleans house, kipping up, atomic drop, body slam, goes to the top rope and hits the elbow drop. Orton is in, however, knocking Shawn down before Trips tosses him out himself. Edge goes for Shawn and both men are dropped outside. Michaels suicide dive and Trips is at the top rope, eager to join in.

Edge spears Michaels on the apron and now everyone is down. Orton has the championship belt and hits Michaels with it. Ref must not have seen it but Michaels has bladed bad and his face is a crimson mask on the outside. Jesus Christ. Edge pulls Michaels in with his hair and Edge batters on Michaels like mad, tagging in Orton who gives Shawn an inverted backbreaker which only gets a two-count. Orton stomps on Shawn for a while and gets another two-count. Edge tags in and both men have been pounding on Shawn for ages. Great Irish whip into the corner. Edge is covered in Shawn’s blood and gives Michaels another backbreaker, getting only a two-count. Orton is tagged in and punches Shawn on the back a lot. He attempts a pin with one foot on Shawn’s chest but gets two counts.

Randy rakes Shawn’s eyes – lot of illegal manoeuvres in this match – and Rated-RKO give Shawn a double backbreaker. Trips comes in to break the count and Edge gives Shawn a lovely stretch as the two sit down for a bit. Shawn fights back and gets to his feet, big cheers from the crowd. Lots of Flair chops and Michaels hits the backdrop. Crowd are cheering for a hot tag. Edge has Shawn’s foot and the pair chop for a while before Edge kicks Shawn in the face and tags in Orton, who crawls around like a damned snake. Almost… like a viper…

Shawn gets to his feet and we see an RKO but Shawn counters it! Hot tag builds again and both men tag in. Edge and Trips run the ropes and Trips cleans house, giving Edge a facebuster, giving Orton a spinebuster, attempting a pin on Orton despite the fact that he’s not legal. Trips has a hurt knee – a legit injury – and the match slows down as the guys talk about how much it hurts. An attempt at a Pedigree that fails. An attempt at an RKo that fails. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music as the men decide what to do. Edge goes to Trips but he kicks out. The match stops entirely. Randy and Edge speak in the corner. Trips avoids the spear, hops about the place, hits a single-leg Pedigree, goes for the cover but Edge kicks out. Shawn jumps in, gets a ref bump, gets the chair, busts Edge, busts Randy who blades like a boss. DX destroy Rated-RKO with steel chairs for a bit. Shawn asks Trips something and the Cerebral Assassin nods. Shawn begins to destroy the announce desk and apparently Edge has bladed too, though it is much more shallow than Randy’s.

Edge is on the announcer’s table, Randy is thrown on the other. Trips goes to Pedigree Edge but the table doesn’t break, according to JR, the table, “didn’t give a damn.” Shawn elbow drops Randy. It’s a fucking massacre. Shawn starts to dance. Randy is bleeding badly. Shawn and Trips hug and their music hits. They take the belts (despite not winning them legit) and celebrate. We see a replay for the bad spinebuster and how Trips’ knee crumbles underneath him. Three blade jobs in one improvised match. Not bad. I guess the match ends in an unofficial no contest in 23:20.

2016 comments:

Great improvised finish made better by Randy’s mental blade job. It would have been better if the officials had come out to break it up, caused a schmoz and justified that out of character ref bump by HBK though.

2006 comments:

Blood, blood, gallons of the stuff!

Grade: A-

On the Card will return on January 21 2017 with the third and final part of New Year’s Revolution 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9^th and 14^th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #9. Cyber Sunday (Nov 5, 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Cryme Tyme stole the show… and Jerry’s laptop.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is working a different laptop, tapping keys seemingly at random. He does not computer well. Triple H turns up and they roll through a ham-fisted explanation of the stipulations for their match. Shawn is attempting to vote on the computer but his illiteracy stops him. Trips points out that Mr. McMahon’s head-up-Big-Show’s-arse ratio is too high for him to be special referee in their match. Trips then says that they don’t want Coachman either as Cena beat him up last week and, “the bloom is pretty much off that rose… as if it wasn’t when we stuck his head through a wall and spraypainted DX on his pimply butt.” Shawn agrees. That leaves Eric Bischoff, who Trips claims believes that he is controversial. It also conspires that Bischoff said DX don’t know the meaning of the word controversial. Shawn disagrees. Trips doubles down: Bischoff said Shawn specifically doesn’t know the meaning of the word. Shawn is apoplectic: He put Bret Hart in a Sharpshooter. Montral Screwjob reference! Shawn points out that Trips is controversial as he married old what’s-her-name. Shawn turns to a backstage helper, asks his name (it’s Stan) and superkicks him there and then to prove his controversy. He then superkicks two other men as he storms off, ranting and raving.

Cut to the official theme music of Cyber Sunday, Disciple’s “Scars Remain”.

The Hardy’s music plays and we are treated to the least-talented but crazier of the two: Jeff! He appears, strung out and high-fives all his fans. The Intercontinental title is on the line… but against whom?

Todd and Maria wonder what it is like to be Jeff Hardy right now. The choices are Carlito, Shelton Benjamin or Johnny Nitro. Carlito is tossing an apple. Shelton is praying. Johnny is posing the results are in… 62% for Carlito! Sweet Christmas pudding! Only 13% for Nitro and the other 25% go to Shelton. What a win for the man who doesn’t know whether to spit or swallow. Over 14 million votes cast worldwide.

His music plays and he comes out. JR considers that 62% is a big number and that any politician would love to have that numbers in their approval rating. Jeff is not happy to fight Carlito at all. Carlito places his apple below the turnbuckle and the championship is held high as the bell rings.

Intercontinental Championship match: Jeff Hardy (c) def. Carlito via pin in 13:21.

JR is talking about Pat Patterson as Carlito offers his hand to Jeff. He shakes it and offers a clap. The two men lock up and there’s a lovely snapmare followed by a number of combinations and pins. Because both men are faces, this has to be a good-old-fashioned wrestling match. Hardy knocks Carlito to the ground and there is a botch as Carlito goes to jump over Hardy but Jeff doesn’t duck like a goose. Carlito dropkicks Jeff’s knee and then taunts him with Hardy’s finger-salute before hitting a lovely suplex. Jeff dropkicks Carlito to the abdomen and we see that the two faces are becoming a bit heelish. Carlito hits the springboard moonsault on Hardy and is rocked outside followed by a baseball slide. Jeff runs the barricades but another dropkick sends him to the ground.

Hardy chants rise as the two men go into the ring. Jeff hits a ten count on the turnbuckle and Carlito counters a Vader-Bomb style slingshot splash. Full nelson city over here in the middle of the ring. Jeff fights back and hits a jawbreaker, almost getting the Twist of Fate but Carlito escapes it. Close pins and JR complains that they’re using too much energy. That’s a very old person complaint to make, JR. Full nelson city again in the centre of the ring. JR then cuts a wee promo for Cyber Sunday. Carlito hits a leg drop and almost gets the three. More full nelsons. Mike Chioda, the ref in charge here is not very happy with this time wasting. Jeff fights back and gets a flapjack on his face for his effort. Silly Hardy. Another close 2-count.

Lovely backbreaker and another close 2-count followed by… CHIN LOCK CITY. So many rest holds up in here. What are you guys, hourly? Come on. Carlito and Jeff both sell a drop as it they were both on the receiving end of it. Confusion. Lovely running neckbreaker from our man Hardy and Jeff hits a sit-out facebuster suplex, popping to the top rope for a Swanton but Carlito gets the knees up just in time. Devastating. Carlito hits a springboard spinning somersault followed by a springboard moonsault and gets Jeff up to hit the springboard lariat. Jeff fights back, runs up the turnbuckle for a Whisper in the Wind. He pops to the other turnbuckle but Carlito is up before Jeff can dive. They’re setting up for a super hurricanrana but it is countered and Jeff hits the Swanton for the pin in 13:21

2016 comments:

Lovely little match with a few too many rest holds and repetitive moves that lose their high-flying edge when performed flawlessly over and over again. We can be impressed by someone’s athleticism without having to see them do the same move the entire match.

2006 comments:

Absolutely great. I have grown into a huge Carlito mark all of a sudden.

Grade: A-

One little blonde girl in the audience goes fucking apeshit at the win. Jeff raises his hands, celebrates and goes out the winner. Interesting how this could be a springboard (excuse the pun) for a lovely feud between the two fan-favourites, leading to a potential heel-turn for one of them, but it could easily be a one-off due to the nature of Cyber Sunday.

Jerry still has no laptop. JR introduces the next match and we’re shown a recap of the events of the last few weeks. Randy Orton became a guest on Edge’s Cutting Edge. Edge asks some difficult questions and reminds them of Trips betraying him. Edge reminds him that Shawn Michaels betrayed Edge. Randy and Edge are best friends now… or at least realise that the enemy of their enemy is their friend. Edge and Randy dress up like DX in a sad attempt to out-prank the super pranksters. We have a special guest referee for this match – Bischoff, the Coach or Vince. All have a problem with DX so Rated-RKO have an advantage either way. Both teams are dirty-no-good-double-crossers.

Back in the arena, thousands get Porygon-style epileptic fits from the DX intro. I love the DX theme, though. It’s a bit too slow for me, but it never gets old and sounds like Rage Against the Machine. In the middle of the ring, they hit the X signs for three chops of pyro. Lovely. Shawn does a lap of honour and is gassed before the match even begins. The two men play the crowd off each other for a while as they clearly have nothing better to do.

Trips begs the crowd to be silent, yet they will not. Their voices will be heard. He asks the crowd if they are ready and asks again as the first answer isn’t good enough. Trips hits his, “Let’s get ready to suck it!” bit and Shawn asks, “If you’re not down with that-“ the crowd pre-empt him and Trips tells them off.

Todd and Maria have a little back and forth. Maria says she voted for Vince because she doesn’t want to be fired. She pretends she’s a dopey woman but she’s not. She’s shrewd as shit. The choices are (if you have been dozing the last hour) Eric Bischoff (the kind of controversy), Jonathan “the Coach” Coachman (fool), Vince McMahon (the chairman of the board). The winner is… Eric Bischoff with 60% of the vote! The Coach and Vince got 20% each! Whaaat. The man himself walks down in his WWE ref gear. He walks around the ring, unable to get in, seemingly.

Randy’s music hits and out he comes, hitting his Legend Killer pose on the Titantron, stopping mid-stride to wait for Edge. Jesus, these themes are amazing, aren’t they? Probably the two best theme songs of this generation, I’d say.

That’s right, I said it.

The two enter the ring slowly. JR and Jerry wonder how much experience Bischoff has had as a ref. He rings the bell and the match begins.

Tag Team match with Special Guest Referee Eric Bischoff: Rated-RKO (Edge and Randy Orton) def. D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) via pin in 18:11.

JR talk for a bit about how awesome DX are as the pranksters rock-paper-scissors to start the match. It’s Michaels and Edge, staring off and looking into each other’s eyes before they lock up. Fun fact: on the DVD I’m watching this on, the DX vs. Rated-RKO chapter starts at around 49 minutes and they finally lock up 1 hour, 4 minutes in. That’s fifteen minutes of promos, entrances and set up before a match. What?

JR chastises DX for not taking Edge and Orton seriously. Why would they? DX are funny lads and like a laugh. Edge takes a couple of bumps and Shawn sunset flips over him, making Edge Aloha-Arn for a while before Shawn pulls down Edge’s shorts, exposing his arse for a spanking. Humiliated, Edge takes quite a beating and HHH is tagged in. Trips climbs to the top rope, getting a huge pop for it… and just climbs down and into the ring. What? He punches the hell out of Edge’s face and gets a thumb in the eye for his effort. Randy is tagged in and takes over, throwing Trips into the corner, which he explodes out of. Trips hits a lovely delayed suplex, almost a brainbuster by the looks of it.

A knee to the face and Randy is reeling. Shawn is in and it’s his turn to beat on Randy with a Flair chop. Trips is back in and Randy throws him into the corner, tagging Edge in. Rated-RKO double team Trips with a lovely dropkick. Trips attempts to take over but Edge stays in control. Bischoff is being a great ref just now. I hardly remembered that it was him. Randy is being on Trips in the corner. Stomping a mudhole in Trips and walking it dry. JR considers whether it is legal or not to have such an extended attack upon someone in the corner. Trips stops a flying attack with a boot to Edge’s gut followed by a lovely DDT.

Hot tag to Shawn and he’s jumping around, hitting a kip-up followed by two atomic drops, going to one corner, deciding that it’s the wrong corner and going to the other one for the elbow drop. He tunes up the band but as the crowd count along, Orton slithers up from behind, pulls at his legs and Shawn’s balls are crunch on the ring post. Super slow count from Bischoff. Randy is in now, beating on Shawn. Another slow count. It’s almost like Bischoff doesn’t want Rated-RKO to win. Surely that’s nepotism. Trips runs in after Edge and Bischoff goes to chastise him as the heels beat on Shawn. Lovely dropkick by Edge, slow pin, rest hold city. Shawn struggles to his feet and tries to get to the hot tag, flips Edge over but the Rated-R Superstar turns it into a sunset flip. More Aloha-Arning from Shawn, into a pin and a two count.

Randy is in now with a lovely dropkick and another slow two-count. Rest hold city from the man himself. It lasts forever, by the way. JR considers that it is difficult to do Sweet Chin Music when lying on your back. Michaels is up, Flair chopping away at Orton, who retaliates with a backbreaker, really selling it as well. Edge is in, begging for Shawn to stand up for the spear but when the time finally comes, Michaels sidesteps and Edge spears Bischoff. A lovely enziguri from Michaels and both men are down. Hot tag is building up here and Randy and Trip comes in. Trips clears house, hits the high knee on Orton and the knee drop on Edge. Lovely spinebuster, leading into a Pedigree which is ruined by a spear from Edge. Michaels tosses Edge out and hits the suicide dive. Orton is on the floor, hits Trips with the RKO and goes for the pin. A new referee slides in, hits the one-two-thr- TRIPS KICKS OUT BAH GAWD.

Randy is getting ready for another RKO, sweat dripping from his nose. The RKO is countered, pushed into Shawn’s Sweet Chin Music and Trips covers but the pin is interrupted by Bischoff who pulls the ref out. As Shawn goes to kill Bischoff, Edge cracks him with a steel chair. Edge rolls into the ring, Trips dodges the chair, goes for the Pedigree on Edge but Orton has the chair now and hits a lovely chair shot to the head followed by an RKO on said chair for the pin in 18:11.

2016 comments:

Nice wee match, bit too long, especially near the end leading up to the spotfest. The finishing moves didn’t get as much of a pop as I’d expected and the fact that Bischoff was in the ring made little difference to the match except for the ending.

2006 comments:

Who is Bischoff again and why do I suddenly hate him like I’d never really liked him ever?

Grade: A-

Randy’s great music hits and Bischoff raises Edge’s arm, remembers that he’s hurt, lifts Randy’s arm and Rated-RKO have a wee moment in the middle of the ring. Randy hits his Legend Killer pose and Edge hits… the DX sign? What? Wrestling makes little sense sometimes. The heels and ref leave as we see the highlights of the match. Surprised no one went the extra mile and bladed this match. I think this is the first one in a while where Trips hasn’t bled everywhere.

Cut to the damn Marine. Has it not come out yet? John Cena is hitting up his mental thug accent. What a guy, know’m’sayin’?

Back in the arena, JR is attempting a promo on the main event but it cuts backstage to show Lita congratulating Rated-RKO as they go to celebrate, still in their ring gear. They are asked by Todd whether their win is tainted by the fact that they won via cheating and say that it is only the beginning for their team.

Back in the ring, it is the match that isn’t a match! The Divas come out, not a wrestler amongst them, all of them gimmicked and showing skin. Awful. Lilian Garcia introduces Mickie James and JR hopes that she has taken her medicine.

Lita’s scream music hits and she comes out, the only talented one of the lot. We see the tournament and it’s a pathetic one at that. There were more (namely Candice, Torrie Wilson and Victoria) but they had a single match each and then were involved in a Bra and Panties match with Maria. Take away these “wrestlers” and you’re left with Lita, Maria, Mickie and Melina. That was it. Those were the female wrestlers that they could bring up to do a tournament. That’s just sad. Shame on you, WWE. Shame upon ye. Why would you even want a belt that only three other people can actually fight for? You’re the best of a bad bunch.

Cut to Maria who fires together a horrible promo on how she’s disappointed she’s not in the ring to attempt to get the vacant title (Trish won it at Unforgiven back in September and then retired with it) but she’s sure they’re going to have a great match. I wouldn’t be so sure, somehow. The choices for this match are No DQ, Diva Lumberjill or Submission. 46% for a Lumberjill, 40% for no DQ and 14% for submission. The fans clearly know that the girls can’t actually wrestle.

Lumberjill match for the vacant WWE Women’s Champion: Lita def. Mickie James via pin in 8:07.

We know how this is going to fare, but let’s watch anyways.

Lita instantly throws Mickie out and the Lumberjills roll her back in. Mickie throws Lita out and she rolls herself back in. Jerry says, “There’s no such thing as a sure thing… unless your name is Lita.” The girls headlock each other and have some weak shoulder barges, bad hip tosses, sad dropkicks and pantomime acting. Lita attempts to escape and the Lumberjills push her back in. Hair pull and face smash. Kick to the stomach and choke in the corner. Lovely snap suplex and even JR is impressed. The Lumberjills are hitting a Sable-level beat on the mat. Lita gets her head battered into the turnbuckle and the crowd could not give a shit, neither could the announcers. Lita telegraphs the word’s saddest body slam. Mickie is tired and Lita jumps on her back for sleeper hold in the centre of the ring. The Lumberjills attempt another beat and Mickie hits the cross-arm-breaker in an attempt to “hyperextend that arm”, but Lita breaks the hold with her feet on the rope. Irish whip and a couple of push-downs from Mickie as Lita desperately tries to claw her way out of this pathetic match. Both girls fall out of the ring in a botched tarantula, I think, and the Lumberjills jump on them. Ten count in the middle of the ring but the girls are up and smacking each other. Weak toss into the turnbuckle. Mickie calls for her finisher, misses the ropes and falls. JR asks, “What the hell was that?” Lita goes for the cover, attempts to use the ropes and is pushed off by a Lumberjill. Punches mid-ring and Victoria pulls on Mickie’s leg, leading to the most brutal DDT I’ve seen in a women’s match and the pin for Lita’s fourth and final reign as WWE Women’s Champion in 8:07.

2016 comments:

Fuck off with your “women’s wrestling”. There’s no wrestling here, Vince, it’s just a chance to show tits on TV.

2006 comments:

I made a sandwich during this.

Grade: This deserves no rating.

No wonder Lita retired three weeks later. I wouldn’t want to wrestle in a company that hates you. She celebrates in ring as the tits all leave. The crowd could not care less. We see a replay of that brutal DDT which probably actually killed Mickie. Let’s move on.

On the Card will return on November 19th with the third and final part of Cyber Sunday 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #1. Backlash 2006 (April 30, 2006) Part 1

On June 23rd 2016, it will have been twenty years since the King of the Ring tournament where Stone Cold Steve Austin first uttered the phrases “Austin 3:16” and “And that’s the bottom line because Stone Cold Said so.” This event would kick-start the rise of Steve Austin and over the next few months, the WWF would move into edgier and more adult-orientated storylines that would form the backbone of the Attitude Era. That was almost twenty years ago, but ten years ago it was a different era entirely. Ten years ago, we had just had WrestleMania 22. John Cena had just turned 29 and he was only in his second title reign. The Rock and Steve Austin had left the company years ago, just after the WWF became the WWE. It was the handover from one generation to another and the Era has been titled “The Ruthless Aggression Era” by Vince McMahon himself.

Ruthless Aggression was a time when the roster was so huge and so varied that the WWE had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on April 30, 2006, the PPV Backlash aired. It was a Raw event and the calibre of matches and their content are drastically different to what we have now. Personally, it came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs and I remember this one well. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Backlash 2006

Long Live The King

The tagline is a reference to Triiiiiiple H, who also features on the poster. Trips is in a Triiiiiple Threat Match with Rated-R Superstar Edge and my boy, Prototype John Cena. The Main Event is set to be fantastic in one way or another and the photo that they used of Trips is one where he is looking huge and very intimidating. As a Cena fan, I remember looking at this thinking that there was no way Cena was getting out of this alive.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a match that was shown on Sunday Night Heat that served as a pre-show match to build up hype for the PPV and get more PPV buys in. The match was Goldust vs. Rob Conway, which is a shame for Goldie because he is a fantastic talent and far better used on the main roster. His inclusion here mirrors how the Fed are treating him now – putting him in Battle Royales and pre-show or dark matches instead of putting him on the main card where he would be better served. To add insult to injury, the preshow match lasted minutes.)

We have the lovely little intro package showing the wrestlers throughout time performing, starting with some grainy footage, through to Andre the Giant, the first WrestleMania, Hulkamania (runnin’ wiiiiild, brother!), Mankind’s jump off Hell in the Cell, Shawn Michaels’ jump off the ladder, Ric Flair, The Rock, Stone Cold, working the whole way up to recent wrestlers that spin by too fast for us to see.

The show starts with a great shot of Vince, covered in blood, his eyes just peeking over the tip of the mat, his evil laugh echoing. He threatens Shawn Michaels, saying he will, “unleash the apocalypse” on him. Vince states that it will Shawn and God against Vince and “the product of my semen, my son, Shane.” How is it that Vince finds a way to alienate one section of the audience with potential blasphemy and then double down by talking about how Shane is a product of his semen? I am not entirely offended by this now because I know more about the product and know that Vince, in Mick Foley’s books, has stated that he will “do anything for a pop,” but I, personally, have a great respect for any religion that doesn’t charge entry and I know that Shawn was/is a Born-Again Christian and must have signed off on this type of thing before the match. Either way, bad taste in my mouth to start this PPV off. Lots of God puns being used. Vince talking about how Shawn broke his commandments, Shawn giving Vince his own personal hell, Vince saying how Shawn should worship at his feet, ending with a big, “Hallelujah!” from Vinnie Mac himself.

The Fed’s Spinny Championship is shown and we see Cena, Edge and Motorhead fan Trips with his Lemmy moustache. Every one of them make vague threats about what is happening at Backlash. John Cena calls them both bitches. This is a far better promo than the McMahon one.

Raw presents a bunch of cogs spinning around. Backlash begins and my God, the crowd are hyped. Everywhere you look, there are signs. People are on their feet, photos are flashing. It is the Rupp Arena in Lexington, Kentucky. We have 14,000 people in attendance with almost twenty times that watching at home (273,000 PPV buys for this event, apparently beating the amount set at Backlash 2005, but the numbers differ depending on where you look with most websites saying Backlash 2005 had 320,000 buys and Backlash 2006 had 220,000. The Wikipedia page does not give numbers for 2005 but says that 2006 was higher. Make of that what you will.)

Our announcing team is the legendary and iconic Jumping Jim “JR” Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler. Jim is wearing a suit and tie and Jerry is wearing what seems to be a matafor outfit. Behind them, a woman who does not know how to dress to a WWE PPV, fixes her boobs.

Above: Dignity.

Good girl yourself. Be careful Sgt. Slaughter doesn’t pop over the barrier with a towel and knock you out, love. Our Spanish announcers and “Most Likely To Lose Their Table” award winners are Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera.

The Spanish Announcers: A great bunch of lads.

Straight-up shoot fact: Savinovich was married to Wendy Richter, who was involved in the Original Screwjob with notable sex-trafficker and horrible person, The Fabulous Moolah.

The Spanish announcers are interrupted to cut to Chris Masters’ titantron video. He gets hella heat for his flexing and general douchiness. The announcers say nothing for ages, allowing the crowd to say it all. Masters looks great, but he has this smug face that makes you want to punch him. Roidy Magoo, by the way. We see how this feud started with Carlito spitting apples in people’s faces and Masters taking umbrage to being attacked from behind. Masters hits Carlito with the Masterlock, which is supposed to knock him out even though it doesn’t touch his throat at all. JR quips that the Masterlock is “unbreakable… seemingly.”

Jerry says, “So it’s come to this, has it?” JR calls him, “somewhat vain.” Masters is only 23 and he looks fantastic. Carlito comes out in his “Do you spit or swallow?” t-shirt, eating an apple and having a chat with the crowd. Little heat on Carlito. Close-up on a sign that says, “My Providence Students Are Cool!” with a picture of an apple… with attitude. Some guy behind him is taping the whole thing to sell on bootleg later, no doubt.

The Attitude Era is over, guys, keep it clean.

Carlito def. Chris Masters via pinfall in 09:58

So the match gets started before Carlito can even remove his t-shirt and Masters does it for him, choking him with it before Carlito takes control and goes for a quick pin but only gets one count. Jerry and JR aren’t even talking about the match. They’re talking about the fact that God is Shawn Michaels’ partner. Masters hits Carlito with a high back body drop that looks like it hurts like hell. Masters follows Carlito about the ring, smacking him each time. Master goes for the gorilla press but Carlito escapes it and hits Masters with the Masterlock. Masters breaks it and JR quips that no one has been able to break the Masterlock thus far. And here, two minutes into a match, Masters does it to little fanfare. They really could have made that more exciting.

Masters goes over the top rope, Carlito spits on him and then hits the suicide dive over the top rope. Referee Mike Chioda starts counting the lads out and the crowd counts along with him. It is clear that they could not give a damn about this match and who can blame them? It has no tension. It’s two men who are arguing over an apple, essentially. Even JR is bored, reminding folks at home that this match is only for one fall. No point in worrying. It will be over soon. The crowd chant something that I cannot understand and Jerry tells us that, “The fans here are voicing their opinion and they think this match sucks.” It is a nice change from announcers these days who cover up the chants from the crowd.

Near fall, leg drop, near fall and Masters drags Carlito about the ring by the hair. He gets Carlito into a neck lock and Carlito fights back and is knocked to the ground for it. More neck locks. JR tries to sell Masters’ repeated use of neck locks and attacks to the head as a “precursor to the Masterlock,” but we’re not getting it. Masters goes for the Masterlock and Carlito escapes, turns it into a roll-up for a two-count. Carlito tries a springboard elbow onto Masters and the two men are reeling. Carlito fights back, builds up momentum, hits a lovely dropkick to Masters’ kneecap. Carlito goes for the pin and the referee hits one, two… he goes for the three and Masters doesn’t kick out. The referee stops for a whole second, looks at Masters and then and only then does the hulking idiot kick out. I know that he’s 23 and young, but surely to God the man can count to three?

The crowd aren’t happy with that. Carlito just wants the match to end and as Masters goes to backdrop Carlito from the top turnbuckle, Carlito turns it into a moonsault that Masters takes the hit from a whole foot ahead of Carlito.

Check out the miss on that.

Carlito goes for the pin and gets a two-count. JR says that “Carlito hit the moonsault. Don’t know how much of it he got. Masters never met a mirror he didn’t like.”

Carlito goes for the Backcracker, the pin and lifts his legs onto the ropes to get the pin in 09:58.

2016 comments:

This match was the drizzling shits. They could have made Masters the furious powerhouse and had him dominate Carlito for five minutes, unfazed by his attacks, hitting the wee man with a bunch of semi-powerful moves, playing with him before Carlito makes the comeback. That’s what we wanted here. What we got was a slow-paced match where both men were gassed within minutes and in the end, Carlito had to cheat to win. That’s fine, but give him a reason to cheat. By the end, he had complete control of Masters. The legs on the rope were unnecessary.

2006 comments:

I live in Ireland so watching this live would have meant that I was awake at 2AM. Well, it’s good to know that I can get a few minutes of sleeping in before the real PPV starts.

Grade: D

The crowd is bored as we see some replays of the last few minutes. Shot outside beautiful Kentucky. JR says that it is the “Horse capital of the world” and neatly segues into, “Here’s a handsome young filly, Maria.”

Cut to our girl Maria, who starts off by saying, “What an exciting night here at Backlash! Some of you may not have been too happy with Masters’ victory over Carlito, but let’s hear what you had to say about who’s going to leave Lexington, Kentucky the WWE Champion.”

What.

Maria, for fuck’s sake, girl.

I don’t know if this interview was pre-taped or not, but you’d like to think that the guys backstage would at least cut the first ten seconds out so it makes sense. If it was live, then… Maria is dumb as shit, I guess.

Maria says the names of the three guys in the main event match, doesn’t wait long enough for the crowd to react and then the video package of kids and men reading off cue cards. A military man (thank you for your service) says it’s his birthday. Fair play to them. Back to Maria and Lita comes in to snap Maria’s bra. Lita slags off Kentucky. Lita says that the crowd have been calling her a ho and that she has kept her mouth shut-

Maria interrupts to tell Lita that she’s heard Lita’s mouth is kept pretty wide open. Ohhhh snaaap! Lita asks Maria, “Want me to knock you out? No? So shut up.” She then doubles-down by saying that her and Edge are going have sex and the crowd is a bunch of no-sex, sexless no-sexxers. Very mature, Lita, and with God in attendance as well.

So excite.

Back to the ring, Armando Alejandro Estrada, a Palestinian man playing a Cuban manager, speaking in the worst Cuban and in English with the worst Cuban accent ever. He presents Umaga, who walks out in his slightly racist Samoan gimmick. Umaga is actually Samoan (and unlike The Rock, is actually a cousin of Roman Reigns and uncle to the Usos and brother to Rikishi, though none of those things are worth boasting about) so you can assume that he signed off on this gimmick and allowed it to happen understanding that it was not very sensitive to Samoans.

Straight-up shoot fact: Armando Alejandro Estrada is really name Hazem Ali, is legitimately Palestinian and used to be known as Osama in OVW. There, he was a bodyguard for Muhammad Hassan, the 100% Italian man who was really named Mark Copani from Syracuse, New York. It’s funny how wrestling changes ethnicities to play to stereotypes.

Umaga comes to the ring, huge and scary. We see promos showing Umaga really manhandling Ric Flair who, at the time, was 57 years old. Umaga is not wearing shoes and that is just fine. Ric Flair’s music hits and the crowd pops for him. Flair is not wearing elbow pads or knee pads because he is fucking insane. Umaga runs to meet him on the ramp and beats Flair down, rolls him into the ring and the referee hits the bell to start the match officially.

Umaga def. Ric Flair via pinfall in 03:29

You can see by the timing that this match is going to be a squash. Surely Umaga can get more props and heat from defeating an able opponent? Ric Flair is a fine wrestler, no one is arguing that fact, but he was not an active competitor in the ring and was wheeled out once every couple of months to shout, “Wooooo!” and jog about the place in his pants. Umaga is essentially bullying a man who will likely have pugilistic dementia in a few years.

Flair is supposed to be the face here and he rakes Umaga’s eyes and hits him with a low blow to gain control. Lots of Flair chops and Umaga fights back, knocking him down with a throat shot. The fight rolls onto the floor and they repeat the chops again. Flair has control and goes for the figure four but Umaga reverses it, gets Flair into the tree of woe and headbutts him. Umaga does an old Rikishi arse-attack and hits him in the throat with his thumb, pinning Flair for the pin in three and a half minutes.

2016 comments:

Umaga is actually dead now, he passed away three years after this match and Ric Flair is still alive. It’s nice to know that he got matches in with someone like Flair, even if they were God-awful.

2006 comments:

Please retire.

Grade: D

Armando Alejandro Estrada has a wicked face on him and the biggest cigar I have ever seen sticking from his mouth. They both stand around Flair, celebrating despite the fact that Flair got little offense in other than a couple of slaps. Jerry says that Estrada won’t be at Raw because of “one of those illegal work stoppages.” Nice one, King. Very classy. JR reminds everyone that Umaga will be there.

Cut to Vince showing off his guns. Vince is three years older than Flair and looks about twenty times better, though he has been in the ring far less than Ric and loves his steroids a lot more. Vince reminds Shane that the match is Shane and Vince versus Michaels and God. Vince says, “You leave God to me,” to which Shane nonchalantly replies, “Oh, He’s all yours.” Vince says that there is nothing God can do that Vince cannot. To show this, he pours water on the floor and stamps in it. He asks Shane what he just saw and Shane replies, “You making a mess.” Vince, happily exclaims, “I’m walkin’ on water!”

Vince has another trick for Shane, who seems embarrassed by this whole thing. Vince then mumbles his way through his next bit: the bread and the fish. He chucks the fish away and does the same to the bread. Shane tries to hurry him along, “Okay, you ready to go?” Vince tells him to wait and then says, “Now!”

Pictured: Miracles.

A bunch of stagehands start throwing bread and fish at the McMahons as Vince proclaims, “It’s bountiful! It’s bountiful!” followed by, “Holy mackerel!” The camera pans to Shane, who takes a sip of his water which is now wine. He walks offstage. End crappy promo. JR asks, “can it get any more bizarre?” Jerry replies, “Now Vince can forgive his own sins.” There is a moment where the two men wonder and what their lives have become before moving on.

So many .JPG

JR introduces the next match: The WWE Women’s Championship match featuring a super-JPG of a completely mental looking Mickie James and Trish Stratus. The graphic looks like it was made in a mid-2000s Tony Hawk game and I’m surprised it isn’t followed by the words XTREME and RADICAL. We see WrestleMania 22 and how Trish lost her belt with Mickie grabbing Trish between the legs. Very firm grab it was too. JR says that the two ladies are dressing alike and Jerry, a man who knows his way around being creepy, states that Mickie became Trish’s stalker.

Mickie, who is the champ, comes out first, which is a bit silly. I know that Trish will get the bigger pop but still, she’s not the champ. Trish is over as fuck, coming out with a top that barely covers her… anything. JR says that Mickie “is in desperate need of some psychotherapy,” pauses for a moment before saying, “wouldn’t hurt any of us, quite frankly, but, be that as it may, Mickie’s a little manic and very unpredictable.” I would love it if JR kept this up every few PPVs, giving fatherly advice to the crowd. “See a doctor,” he might say, “If you’re coughing for more than a week, I’d get that looked at,” or, “Have you had an apple today?” Or even if he would gradually start giving advice as if he’s seeing a therapist himself, sometimes even asking Jerry about his father or something.

Of course, Jerry ruins it by saying, “I could volunteer… sessions.” I can tell this cunt is going to be absolutely awful to listen to this match although JR makes it worse by saying, “Couch time?” and Jerry says, “Couch time, of course.” Come on, boys, you’re making us look bad.

Mickie is really hamming up the fear of Trish here, slowly entering the ring and keeping her distance. The referee rings the bell as JR says that Trish is, “Toronto’s most beautiful gift to the WWE.”

WWE Women’s Championship match: Trish Stratus def. Mickie James (c) via disqualification in 04:03

Another short match, this one to please the gentlemen in the crowd. Having listened to Mickie James on Colt Cobana’s podcast and having met her when she was in Edinburgh for a match, I know that she was young and foolish at this time, wanting to be over but not really knowing how (the crotch-grab on Trish had gotten her in hot water with Vince who had called it “crass”) and this led to her being a bit more cautious this time around.

The ladies circle each other for a bit while the announcers make mental-health jokes. Keep it up, boys, you haven’t offended every minority yet. The ladies lock up and some great chain wrestling follows. Trish blows Mickie a kiss and dodges a clothesline by falling backwards, Bray Wyatt style.

The face of fear.

This segues into a hand-stand to head-scissors combo that sends Mickie to the canvas. Some brawling to a dropkick and the two trade blows for a bit. Mickie is outside and Trish is on her, rolling her back into the ring, going to a pin.

Trish goes up for the 10-punch and gets three. I think this is the second time there has been a 10-punch this PPV. Trish falls badly and there is a lot of chat about Trish being a right-handed competitor, which seems to be a way for Jerry to get some simple raunchy chat in but doesn’t. Lots of near-falls as Trish deals with her sore arm.

Straight-up shoot fact: Trish actually suffered a legitimate dislocated shoulder after that bump and it would require rehab for six weeks, though she would still appear on screen.

Mickie is smart to jump on Trish and choke her, thus giving Trish the win, though she does not win the belt as it cannot change hands on a DQ.

Unrelated image of what happens when people take pictures with a flash so close to the ring.

2016 comments:

Solid match and at just over four minutes, it was far better than the shite that the Fed put on most days, which is painful. Those four minutes were superior to anything the Bellas, Eva Marie, Summer Rae or Rosa Mendes have ever been in. Sad but true.

2006 comments:

Both the women were looking great, but by 2006, the world had found out that porn existed on the internet and came to watch women’s wrestling for the wrestling rather than the women. Still, good match.

Grade: B

It’s sad that the match that most fans would ignore was the best of the bunch. As Mickie runs into the back, Trish calls for the rematch. We have a replay of the fall and as Trish is knocked over, we see her hand shoot out to stop her fall and jar on the apron. Poor girl.

Cut to Maria. Let’s see if she fucks up her promo…

Please don’t fire me, love Maria.

No, she actually apologises for her mistake and moves swiftly on to bring out our man Shawn Michaels. She asks if God will turn up tonight. Michaels says that he does not shove his Christianity down everyone’s neck (which is a change from Hulk Hogan’s “Say Your Prayers” and Jake “The Snake” quoting the Bible) but says that the Lord is with him always. The rest of the promo is about how it really is a handicap match because Vince can’t “hang” with HBK. Shawn says that he’s going to kick Vince’s ass and then slides off screen like a cartoon character with a hook around his neck. Weh-weh-waaaaah.

Exit staaaage-left.

As Lillian is about to introduce the Winner Take All match between RVD and Shelton Benjamin, we will take our leave for this week. Next week, we will be looking at that match and the Big Show vs. Kane match. See you then!

On the Card will return on May 8th with the second part of Backlash 2006.