Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Two good matches and the Boogeyman.

Promo for the Last Ride match and we see Undertaker vs. Kennedy for the first blood match. Teddy Long introduces the Last Ride match at a Smackdown. The hearse is being driven in and it drives without anyone behind the wheel. Undertaker bursts out and just appears everywhere – in a match, behind Kennedy, in a hearse etc. Blood falls on Kennedy. The entire thing is so corny and supernatural. It’s great.

The monks chant and Cunt JBL keeps telling us that he was in the first Last Ride match. Absolute shitehawk. Announcer Tony Chimel reminds us of the rules.

Kennedy appears, stares out the hearse and enters the ring, pulling the mic down and dropping a phat beat. I’m joking, he paces about and cuts a shit promo about how he’s going to defeat the Undertaker for the third time, which would be true if you count a DQ win and MVP interfering as a win each. He then says his own name and the crowd goes mild.

The crowd chants, “Rest in peace!” as the bell tolls, signalling the Undertaker’s three-hour-long walk to the ring. Cole and Cunt JBL consider what Kennedy might be thinking as the Undertaker walks towards him. He’s probably shitting himself, to be fair. I would. Big Red is scary as fuck. Cunt JBL keeps reminding us he fought the Undertaker a few times. They tell us that it doesn’t get much better than this, which is watching two men get ready to fight. Kennedy moves into the ring hesitantly and the bell finally rings.

Last Ride match: The Undertaker def. Mr. Kennedy via Sunday drive in 19:08.

Taker moves to Kennedy like an MMA fighter, far faster than a Dead Man should move. Kennedy is caught in the corner and beats Kennedy down, knocking him out of the ring and throwing him into the steel steps before tossing him onto the Spanish Announcer’s table. Taker tosses Kennedy onto the apron – which we must remember, is the hardest part of the ring – and rolls him back between the ropes. Kenny is beat in the corner and Taker gives Kennedy a Flair chop. Taker goes to give Kennedy the jumping boot but Kennedy dodges out of the way, tossing Taker out. Kennedy launches himself off the apron but is caught in mid-air by Taker, who drives him into the ring post.

Taker carries Kennedy out of the ring to the hearse but Kennedy fights back, pushing Taker into the back of the car repeatedly, delivering strikes to the Phenom’s face, opening the back of the hearse and shoving Taker in. They both are half inside the hearse yet the door will not close. Taker bursts out, gives Kennedy a high knee and as he tries to crawl away, Taker drags him back over the barricade and into the steel steps. Lots of head shots so far, no one is bust. Taker gives Kennedy a lovely boot to the head followed by a leg drop off the apron onto Kennedy’s neck. Undertaker is taking over now, stalking Kennedy and causing pain the entire time.

Taker pops Kennedy up onto the top rope and sets up a superplex, which Kennedy lands on his arse. Taker sits up almost instantly. Kennedy is tossed over the top rope and as Taker is carrying him, Kennedy hits on the rear naked choke. Both men fall to the floor and have a little chat. After the shortest sleeper in the world, Undertaker is “out cold”. Kennedy drags him to the hearse, throws him in and closes the door! But the match isn’t over yet! Kennedy has to drive the hearse out of the arena. He opens the door and Undertaker is there, in the seat! He throws Kennedy into the ring post again and then into the timekeeper’s area. Taker removes the monitors from the announcer’s take but Kennedy fights back with a steel chair, delivering shots to Taker’s ribs.

In the ring, Kennedy hits Taker in the back, goes for a second, reconsiders and hits Taker in the skull twice. Taker just sits up. What a guy. Kennedy runs to the hearse, slips past and goes backstage. Kennedy tries to scale the castle set and Taker is after him. Taker punches Kennedy and Kennedy punches back. They are high up, legit maybe 20-30 feet. Undertaker calls for the chokeslam but is denied and Kennedy tosses him off onto a mattress below. Kennedy is watching, descends the ladder as Little Naitch tells Kennedy to give Taker a moment. Kennedy does not, and goes to open the hearse, returns for Taker and begins to drag Taker to the back of the vehicle.

Kennedy laboriously tosses Undertaker into the back of the hearse and gets into the driver’s seat. Crappy camera from inside the hearse shows Taker sitting up and dragging Kennedy into the back of the hearse. Both men fall out of the back of the hearse and Taker has his wind back, beating on Kennedy, picking up a chair and hitting Kennedy with it. He gets a steel pipe and misses Kennedy, putting it through the window of the hearse instead. Steel chair to Kennedy and he’s bust, having bladed at some point in the last minute. Taker tosses Kennedy up on top of the hearse and calls for the chokeslam, landing Kennedy on the roof of the hearse. Undertaker calls for the Tombstone and hits it.

Kennedy is thrown off the hearse and Taker opens the back of the vehicle, covered in glass. Taker throws Kennedy inside, starts it up, revs the engine and drives out, winning the match in 19:08.

2016 comments:

In terms of gimmick matches, it wasn’t bad. Undertaker must be the most gimmicked-up wrestler of all time but he’s not great at using the gimmick in the match. The hearse was only used for a handful of spots with the rest of it being ring-based.

2006 comments:

Apparently Cunt JBL was once in a match with the Undertaker.

Grade: B

Both announcers get the match we just watched over as if we weren’t already excited for it.

Backstage, Booker and Finlay have a wee chat. Finlay reassures Booker that they are a team. Booker suggests that the pair of them go out and not be pricks for a change. Queen Sharmell agrees. Finlay does a shite southern accent and then slags Sharmell.

In the arena, it’s Big Dick Johnson dressed as Santa Claus, throwing sweets to the kids. Little children in the audience look on expectantly, yet receive naught. Santa gets the mic and drops a promo about this Naughty and Nice Lingerie shite. Fantastic. Very family friendly. Fuck this.

Kristal comes out first, wearing a silken red gown.

Layla El comes out, wearing a silken pink down.

Jillian comes out, wearing a silken light pink gown.

Ashley comes out, wearing a silken black gown. Of course she is.

Santa tells us that the contest will work like this: each lady will come up, take off their robe and model their lingerie. Kristal is first and she walks for about ten seconds. Shit. Layla does the same but with high kicks this time. Same music, though. Her dance lasts forever. Jillian does it, having little to no charisma and removes her bra to show another bra below with peppermint candies. She touches her tits. Ashley goes up, does the same as everyone else. The announcers big up the fact that Ashley was on Playboy. She attempts to remove her skirt and that takes a bit more time than it should. Finally, Santa points at each Diva, looking for cheers. Kristal gets boos, Layla gets a big pop, Jillian gets boos and Ashley gets a rapturous pop. Santa reveals that everyone is the winner. Shit.

Santa tells us to hit the music and reveals that it’s Big Dick Johnson! He dances, everyone is disgusted and they take forever to leave the ring. It’s depressing.

Promo for the third main event, Batista and Cena against Booker and Finlay. We see the teams fight one another and the question of whether or not they can coexist is asked repeatedly. For the first time ever, two world champions are on the same team, though neither title is on the line.

Back in the arena, King Booker starts his slow crawl to the ring with his shite music and mental wife telling us to hail him. She is saying it a little faster than usual, however, and he seems to be walking at a snail’s pace as opposed to a glacier’s. Fair play to the pair of them. Sharmell shouts at members of the crowd. They give her the finger. A little respect for the woman. Booker is holding his hands at five to two.

Finlay comes down. Little pomp and circumstance with this boy. He has his shillelagh and that’s enough, I suppose. Booker and Finlay shake hands.

Big John Cena’s music hits and the time is up, the time is now, you can’t see him, but he’s there, in plain sight. Tony Chimel completely destroys the, “Jeeeeeeaaaaaaahn Cena!” roar. Cena doesn’t enter the ring.

Batista’s music hits and down he comes, all pumped up and full of cocaine and piss and vinegar and testosterone and steroids. He hits his gun pyro and the crowd is pumped for this. Finally the faces enter the ring and pose. Cena throws the hat hella far. It’s an impressive distance, I tell you what.

John Cena and Batista def. Finlay and King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pin in 11:29.

The bell goes but the boys just stand in the ring for a while, trying to remember how to start a main event that is a wet fart. Do we want to see these superstars? Yes, of course. Do we want to see a tag match? No.

Cena and Booker chat in the corner and a lovely hip toss is followed by another chat in the corner. Cena hits a lovely arm drag and tags in Batista to little applause. Finlay comes in and the two weakest competitors square off. Big headlock from Batista followed by shoulder barges forces Finlay up to Bret’s rope, where he is caught by Batista, dropped, slapped and put into a catapult and gets double knees in the back. Batista hits the Muscle Buster on Finlay, which is nice, but gets nothing in the pin.

Booker is tagged in and the pair circle each other. The crowd chant for Batista, and the announcers remind us that Booker and Batista have fought over the belt in the past. Very vague, lads. Cena is tagged in and the crowd boo for him until Booker gets the upper hand, hitting Cena with an awkward kick to the jaw. Cena hits a lovely bulldog followed by a spin-out powerbomb into Five Knuckle Shuffle. He lifts Booker for the FU, fails, gets a drop-toe hold into STFU. Christ, he is hitting all of his damn finishers. Sharmell slips Booker the sceptre and he uses it to hit Cena in the throat while the ref’s back is turned. Booker hits the superkick but fails to get the three.

Finlay is in now and holding John’s neck in a lovely hug. The crowd chant, “Let’s go Cena,” but there is no, “Cena sucks,” afterwards. How odd. Then in comes Little Bastard-slash-Hornswaggle, who goes to kick Cena, misses, kicks himself in the head, rolls out of the ring and Booker and Cena hug in response. A sign in the crowd tells us that Michael Cole Sucks. This sign is quickly removed and – I assume – taken by the ushers. Cena is searching for Batista, but cannot find him. He hits the hot tag and Batista is in, hitting the powerslam to Finlay, the spear to Booker, the spear to Finlay, runs out of steam and is caught by Finlay but ducks the superkick. He attempts the powerbomb, is stopped by Finlay and Cena comes in to take care of bidness.

Finlay cracks Batista on the back with a steel chair as Sharmell distracts the ref. Batista no-sells it, knocks Finlay out, hits the spinebuster, the Batista bomb and gets the pin in 11:29.

2016 comments:

Nothing match. No storyline, no tension, just faces being faces and heels being heels. I wouldn’t normally be annoyed except this is the main event. This is a Smackdown match.

2006 comments:

Who cares who won? Nothing was on the line.

Grade: C

Cena and Batista celebrate in what is a mid-card bout presented as a main event match to please the little boys and girls. This was a nothing match and a crappy end to the PPV as both faces hug each other and both heels shake their fists and grumble. Cunt JBL recounts the main bouts – Inferno, Last Ride, Diva’s Lingerie, Cena/Batista. One of those things is not like the other, boys.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I can’t give it to anyone other than Joey Mercury.

Woman of the Matches: Queen Sharmell. And she was only on screen for about ten seconds.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Joey Mercury.

Best Spot: Although botched, the leg-drop-to-ladder-shot that damn near killed Joey Mercury.

Hatches: Vladimir Kozlov and Scotty 2 Hotty, Dave Taylor, The Boogeyman, The Miz as an in-ring competitor, Jimmy Wang Yang.

Matches: Paul London and Brian Kendrick retain their WWE Tag Team Championship, [REDACTED] Benoit retains his WWE United States Championship, Gregory Helms retains his WWE Cruiserweight Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: A filler PPV that suffers from some of the same issues that ECW December to Dismember suffered from – bad booking, coming in shortly after another PPV and a nothing main event – or triple main event, if you believe that shite. We are truly within the darkest timeline.

On the Card will return on January 7 2017 with the Raw PPV New Year’s Revolution 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: A well-choreographed Inferno match and one of the worst injuries so far.

Kristal is wearing less clothes backstage. Cunt JBL drops a shitty quote, “Somebody call the fire marshal… she’s smokin’!”

Out comes The Miz, way before he could actually wrassle. He gets the mic and puts over the next match: Miz vs. Boogeyman. Cunt JBL speaks over The Miz.

The Boogeyman comes out and Miz looks actually scared. Cunt JBL calls Miz Red Rooster, which is funny. Out comes the Boogeyman, crawling and eating worms and carrying about a damn clock and so on and so forth. Big stick of smoke and pyro. Boogeyman could be over if he weren’t so damn bad at wrestling.

The Boogeyman def. The Miz via pin in 02:51.

Let’s get this piss break over with.

Boogeyman moves towards the Miz, spitting out worms and being weird. Boogeyman crawls backwards and pulls Miz in by his hair. Boogeyman beats on Miz as Cole tells us that MVP has been brought to a burn unit – potentially fake story – and Miz almost pins Boogey but our worm-eating friend fights back. Worms fall on the ground and Cole tells us that Mercury has a broken nose and is in hospital. Boogeyman hits the falling chokebomb and gets the pin in 2:51.

2016 comments:

Fuck the Miz.

2006 comments:

Fuck the Boogeyman.

Grade: F

Boogeyman pits worms into Miz’s mouth and runs out of the ring. Replays of the incident which I did not watch because they are disgusting. Cunt JBL sandbags the entire thing.

Backstage, Layla and Jillian Hall wear little clothes.

Cut to Chavo and Vicky. Vicky has a neck brace. The pair of them call [REDACTED] Benoit less than a real man. We see a flashback of Survivor Series as Benoit gets pushed into Vicky.

Chavo’s music hits and he comes out with Vicky, pointing at the crowd for a while. Vicky is described as being his business manager. Vicky keeps holding the neck brace, as if afraid it might fall off.

Benoit’s music hits and down comes Roidy Magoo himself, the [REDACTED] Wolverine. He’s the Us Champion despite being Canuck. The greatest betrayal. Chavo attacks him, starting the match.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero via submission in 12:14.

Chavo is getting Benoit into the corner and the two men have a fast-paced battle, quick snap suplex and a massive backdrop from Benoit. Still smoke in the arena, though, and a huge back body drop rocks the arena. Benoit attempts the Sharpshooter and catapults Chavo out of the ring. Big “Woo!”s from the crowd after a Flair chop. They then chant, “Let’s go, Benoit!” and he replies with lovely triple German suplexes. Benoit goes to the top rope but Chavo is up and hitting Benoit, making him fall onto the turnbuckle. Benoit gives Chavo a bunch of headbutts and finally Chavo gives him a monstrous superplex. Both men have a wee lie down.

Chavo is up first and laying boots into Benoit, taking over and throwing Benoit into the turnbuckle. Vicky claps on as Chavo wraps Benoit around the turnbuckle and baseball slides him in the bum. Chavo goes for the pin but gets naught so gives Benoit a wee boot in the back. Benoit fights back with Flair chops. Chavo gives Benoit a Camel Clutch, breaks back, makes humble. Both men have a lovely sit for some time until Benoit gets to his feet, attempts a back drop and Chavo reverses it into a pin. Great lad. Chavo then chokes Benoit on the bottom rope. Chavo goes for a punch but Benoit grabs his arm, desperate for the Crossface but gets nothing. Benoit is trying to get to his feet but gets a bunch of shots to the back for his effort. Chavo hits a lovely side backdrop and another to big boos.

Chavo lifts Benoit to the top rope and sets Benoit into the tree of woe. A dropkick followed by a missed baseball slide makes Chavo hit his balls on the turnbuckle. Chavo lifts Benoit for the Electric Chair but Benoit escapes. Chavo goes to hit multiple suplexes but Benoit escapes and hits eight German suplexes in a row. Standing ovation from the crowd. Benoit goes for the pin but Chavo’s leg is on the bottom rope. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and Vicky grabs the US Title. Benoit tells her, “Don’t do it!” and releases the Sharpshooter to apply one on her. Benoit delays, is rolled up by Chavo, who pulls on the tights. Benoit rolls through, hits the Sharpshooter and gets the submission in 12:14.

2016 comments:

An okay match with some lovely actual wrestling, but the introduction of Vicky ruined it.

2006 comments:

I’m quite happy Vicky’s tits didn’t pop out.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL is a cunt and Ashley is wearing hardly any clothes backstage. Guff.

Out comes my boy Hurricane Shane Gregory Helms. He is the WWE Cruiserweight Champion and he is the longest reigning champion of its name and in Smackdown history, reputedly.

Yee-haw! It’s Jimmy Wang Yang, the Resident Redneck, with his leathers and shit. He has a great handlebar moustache as well. Christ, that’s some great facial hair your man has. Greg has a great beard too, as does the ref. Amazing.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship match: Gregory Helms (c) def. Jimmy Wang Yang via pin in 10:51.

Cunt JBL hates Jimmy, which means he must be the comedy face. Helms gets all serious and there’s some lovely matwork from the pain, including a great kip-up from Jimmy. Helms slaps Jimmy and the redneck takes over, though Jimmy hits a great backflip, landing on his feet as Helms escapes from the ring like a big old coward. Back in the ring, Jimmy slides under Helms and delivers a lovely head scissors followed by a fantastic suplex but fails to get the pin.

Jimmy is in control and bumping like a boss as he flies over the top rope after a failed run to the corner and is rolled in by Helms for a failed pin. Helms guillotines Jimmy and hits a lovely snapmare and leg drop. Helms gets Jimmy in a nice little headlock and follows it up with a punch to the beak. Some gobshite in the audience seems to have stolen the belt but Helms cares not. Another pin and Helms is getting angry. Jimmy fights back, tosses Helms over the top rope and hits a lovely cross-body from the turnbuckle to the outside. Helms quickly takes over and gives Jimmy a bunch of chokes followed by a crossface as Cole and Cunt JBL discuss Wang Yang, Ying Yang and other racist things. Jimmy hits a bunch of strikes on Helms followed by a back body drop, a spinning back kick in the corner, dropkick from the top rope and Helms is still in it.

Helms dives out of the corner and Jimmy is down. Helms takes over, going to the top rope and hitting a super swinging neckbreaker. Cunt JBL checks the crowd chanting, “Boring!” like a fucking smark. Helms is bust on his lip and goes to the top rope but Jimmy catches him mid-air with a spinning heel kick. Helms kicks out. Jimmy can’t believe it. Helms and Jimmy go to the top rope. Helms is down. Jimmy attempts the corkscrew moonsault, Yang Time, but Helms rolls away and hits a double knee facebreaker for the win in 10:51.

2016 comments:

It was the piss-break match before two-thirds of the main event, but I really liked it and I fucking loved Jimmy Wang Yang. He seemed like a good, solid performer and didn’t botch.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Jimmy Wang Yang was suspended from the Fed in 2008 for testing positive for cocaine, which he partook of during his birthday.

2006 comments:

Is this gimmick racist? Wrestling is normally about ten or fifteen years behind the curve but I don’t know if this still would have been cool in 1991.

Grade: B

Big blob of blood falls from Helm’s mouth and Helms has won, retaining his championship. We see replays of the end of the match.

On the Card will return on December 31 2016 with the third and final part of Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 1

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon – December 17, 2006.

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on December 17, 2006, the seventh Armageddon aired. It was a SmackDown! PPV, the first of its kind since No Mercy in October. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Armageddon 2006

The End… Is Only The Beginning

Oh yeah. That’s a tagline and a half. Seems like a movie tagline. Oh, it’s good. I like it. Ten out of ten. The cover has Batista dressed up like one of the Road Warriors or something. Very snazzy.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, there is – would you believe it – a biblical promo package which defines the word “Armageddon”. We see the MVP vs Kane Inferno Match which involves one opponent setting the other on fire. Then there’s a bible verse and a promo for the Last Ride match where Undertaker and Kennedy fight to throw the other into a hearse. Another definition and we see the team of Batista and Cena get ready to fight Booker T and Finlay. It’s a triple main event! Which, of course, means no mean event. Of course, one of these main events takes place… first. Huh.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Vladimir Kozlov and Scotty 2 Hotty. Yeah, of Too Cool fame.)

Big pyro and we are told that the end is here. Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL invite us to the Richmond Coliseum in Richmond, Virginia, for the final PPV of 2006. A measly 8,200 people in attendance with a total of $423,500 in ticket sales at the door. Total PPV buys of 239,000, which is down from the 320,000 in 2005. JBL talks about the Inferno match but who gives a fuck because there’s a green-haired kid standing behind my boys, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera, who actually chat for ages before Tony Chimel interrupts them.

MVP’s music hits and out comes the man himself, who has even more pyro behind him as he enters the arena. Around the ring, there is an odd contraption that the flames roll from. As he walks about the ring, the flames shake scarily. We see a promo for MVP as he jobs out boys left and right. He was desperate for competition and got our boy Kane. MVP kicked Kane in the balls and Teddy Long, upset with this, made the inferno match. Kane racks up losses to MVP Kane is livid. We have a flashback to the first Inferno match with masked Kane.

Back in the arena, the air is thick with smoke already. It is about to be roasting up in there. Big pyro from Kane and he comes down with the worst theme tune he had since the start of his career. He raises his hands and the flame contraption burns higher. What a lad. JBL calls him a bastard. Fuck off, JBL. The flames burn higher and the bell rings as MVP falls to his knees.

Inferno Match: Kane def. MVP via combustion in 22:33.

Well, let’s get into this piece of shit quickly. Kane hits the big boot, throws MVP into the corner and the crowd apparently cheer and ooh and aah as MVP climbs to the corner and regrets it. Each big bump makes the flames burn higher. MVP crawls about and is beaten down. Kane gets MVP into the corner and is about to hit the superplex when MVP fights back, flames jumping. MVP throws Kane down, but he just sits up. Michael Cole reminds us that the competitors cannot leave the ring. Kane calls for the chokeslam and the flames burst. Cole then calls them, “the exclamation point.” Yes, Cole. We got it.

Kane removes the turnbuckle covering and leans over the flames to set it alight. As Kane goes to hit MVP, he drops the cover. MVP lands on it briefly, but quickly takes and chucks it out to safety. Kane has MVP in the corner and beats him without mercy. He who is without mercy now pleads for it. Lovely Bossman Slam from Kane. Cunt JBL speaks for a while though no man cares.

Kane shouts at MVP in the corner and gets a punch for  his efforts. MVP goes to the top rope and is pushed off onto the floor. Kane then goes to the top rope and actually jumps! The two men fight and struggle to push the other into the flames. Why does Kane like fire so much? He was burned as a child! Crazy stuff. Kane has the hand on MVP’s throat and pushes MVP into the flames, burning his arse where he has fire-retardant pants on, giving Kane the win in 8:14.

2016 comments:

I was thinking it was going to be a shitshow, but it was actually good. The whole gimmick of an Inferno match requires that the wrestlers be a bit more careful with one another, and they were. The entire piece was a well-rehearsed piece of very dangerous theatre and because there was a clear and present danger there with the flames, the audience were rapt, knowing that at any point, one of the two of them could be hurt.

2006 comments:

Did you see your man’s arse get set on fire?

Grade: B

MVP runs up the aisle before men with fire extinguishers put him out. It’s actually pretty fucking awesome. We see replays. It’s fun. Cunt JBL gives off that no human being should be set on fire… he seems to forget about his time as a crucifier back in the day.

Cut to the ladies in Teddy’s room. We have Forgettable Girl 1-4 and Teddy Long. Teddy tells them that there’s going to be a Naughty or Nice lingerie contest. Who gives a fuck?

Back in the arena, Cunt JBL ruins the craic.

The tag team champs appear first, sliding out and getting little applause. Regal and Taylor soon follow. Dave Taylor looks to be at least one hundred years old. Teddy Long comes out and tells all the players that there will be a Lingerie contest. No cunt cares. He then informs everyone that the tag match will be a ladder match… and some ladders appear, as if to punctuate the sentence. He then reveals that two teams have been added to the match: MNM (with Melina), who are apparently back together; and The Hardys, who the crowd are already clamouring for. When the two daredevils come out, the crowd go bananas. The Hardys pose for a while before the bell rings

Ladder Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c) def. William Regal and Dave Taylor, MNM (w/ Melina) and The Hardys via ascension in 20:13.

The matchup is underway and already there’s a schmoz. Everyone is chucked out except London, Kendrick and the Hardys. London (white pants) gets a jawbreaker and the Hardys hit a lovely swinging backdrop on Kendrick. Regal, Taylor and MNM come back in, desperate to slow the match down to a crawl. Regal and Taylor aren’t really known for their skill in a ladder match but if they’re rough enough, it shouldn’t matter.

This match is so hectic and hard to write about, I’m just going to hit the big spots. Lovely Poetry in Motion in the corner followed by a Snapshot. All four teams are in the ring now as well as three ladders. Jeff doesn’t know what to be doing with himself. Kendrick and London are thrown out, leaving only the Hardys. Matt Irish Whips Kendrick into the corner where Jeff waits with a ladder to throw it into his face. Nitro jumps into the ring and misses the ladder. Joey Mercury has the ladder, goes up it and is inches away from winning when Hardys and Kendrick/London lift the ladder up and toss him into Nitro on the outside.

Hardys set up a ladder in the corner and whip Kendrick, then London into it. Attempt at Poetry in Motion but London moves. Double suplex from London and Kendrick to Matt. Matt tosses London off the ladder and then does the same to Kendrick. On the outside, the other two teams fight but no one cares. Matt goes to suplex London but he fights back. Matt falls onto the ladder and Kendrick stops him from the turnbuckle. MNM hit the double gutbuster on London and the pace slows as the two men set up the ladders for a superplex spot onto a ladder. Jeff is top rope and Matt helps him fight off MNM. Jeff jumps onto the ladder and, like a see-saw, one end propels upwards, cracking Joey Mercury with a legit injury to the face.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Although we have seen many legit injuries on this blog – some serious and some superficial and many more self-inflicted – this one is legit dangerous and could have ended far worse for our boy Mercury. He received five stitches on the inside of his nost and fifteen on the outside of his nose and cheek. His eye swelled shut pretty much instantly and he received four fractures on the inside of his nose including his orbital bone.

Like a tap, blood streams from our man Mercury. He is crawling backstage as the match continues, the camera moving back and forth when necessary. In the ring, the action never stops. A replay shows the ladder hitting Joey, his body remaining static and his head moving unnaturally from the force of the shot. Christ of almighty. This is wrestling, I suppose.

Taylor tosses Kendrick onto a ladder and Regal German suplexes London onto it. The crowd cheer for the Hardys as Regal rises up the ladder. He stops, terrified of heights and Taylor takes his place. Great storytelling here. If Regal goes to the top rope and then steps down because of his vertigo, this would be perfect. Jeff brings another ladder in as Matt hits two Twist of Fates on Taylor and Regal. Just as Jeff is about to jump, Nitro baseball slides the ladder, knocking Jeff off. Nitro has the ladder and bulldogs it onto Regal. Cunt JBL says that he now likes MNM. He’s still a cunt, but now a gloryhunting cunt. A glorycunter.

Nitro goes to the top of the ladder and London dropkicks him. Matt goes up a ladder and tosses boys off left and right. We have London vs. Matt at the top of a ladder, inches from the belt. Matt gives him the back body drop and Jeff appears with a ladder, climbing but too far away from the belts. Jeff sunset flips him, hitting a powerbomb and essentially legdropping the canvases. Matt sets up two ladders and Regal and Taylor move them apart, wishboning him. The two powerhouses set up the ladder to great boos. Regal goes a bit higher, overcoming his fear of heights, and Kenrick is up, punching at Regal until Taylor drags him off. Kendrick attempts the Shiranui and does not land it. Potential botch two of the night.

London is dragging himself towards the middle of the ring. Matt Hardy is back in, and London just… gets the belts in 20:13.

2016 comments:

Great match except for the beginning and the end. The teams were great at parts, but, the parts did not mesh together as well as they should have.

2006 comments:

If Mick were in the match, it would have been best match.

Grade: A

The winners celebrate, the losers go to the hospital and we see Joey Mercury’s face erupt.

On the Card will return on December 24 2016 with the second part of Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Drizzling shits.

Backstage, Sabu is being loaded into an ambulance. Don’t know why it’s taken so long for that to happen. RVD and CM Punk are there, ready to look disappointed.

Out come Daivari and the Great Khali. Well, they can go fuck themselves. Daivari shouts in a foreign language. The cheek of him! Don’t he know that this is America? The announcers attempt to big up Khali, who is not even wrestling this evening.

Tommy Dreamer’s music hits and the man himself comes out, not getting as big a pop as he should, really. The crowd chant for ECW as the bell rings.

Daivari (w/ The Great Khali) def. Tommy Dreamer via pin in 7:22.

Why isn’t Beulah out? She should be there, taking chokeslams from Khali or whatever. Daivari takes over at the start and Tommy goes after Khali until Daivari rolls back in the ring and gets a lovely hip toss for his effort. Daivari goes outside, takes an almost-countout and Tommy drop toe-holds him. Lovely baseball slide to Tommy’s head and Daivari is thrown into the barricade. In the ring, Dreamer give Daivari a lovely suplex and goes to bounce off the ropes but Khali pulls on them, causing Dreamer to fall outside the ring and for Khali to be ejected from ringside. Brilliant. Crowd are loving it.

In the ring, Tommy is being beaten on by Daivari and gets into a chinlock in the centre of the ring. Tommy gets slammed to the floor, gets an elbow drop and knees to the spine and elbows to the neck. The crowd urge Dreamer to “Fuck ‘em up.” More chinlocks, a rear-naked choke to be exact. Tommy’s fist pounds, fighting to his feet and lifting Daivari on his back until Dreamer falls back, slamming the pair of them down. Fists swing mid-ring and Daivari goes on his back. Lovely back-body drop and Dreamer gives Daivari the inverted DDT but gets no pin. Fireman’s carry followed by a rake to the eyes and Daivari goes top-rope. Dreamer attempts to throw him off but Daivari jumps for the headbutt and misses. Tommy fires Daivari into the Tree of Woe and the dropkick. Then Daivari hits the roll-up and wins.

2016 comments:

Crappy start, good middle, shitty ending.

2006 comments:

I was almost enjoying that.

Grade: C

Tommy, embarrassed, goes after Daivari. Khali appears and throws Tommy onto the Titantron. It is shitty and weak-looking even in the replay. In fact, they show the replay a number of times. Is Tommy legit hurt? Who is to know? Wait… wait… Tommy is sitting up! He’s fine. He’s back! He’s alive! Fuck yeah! Tommy Dreamer! ECW! Etc.

Paul Heyman is looking for someone and he finds Hardcore Holly. We all know what’s going to happen here. He suggests that Hardcore Holly replace Sabu. Bob Holly can’t act to save his life. God damned Sparky Plugg.

Mike Knox’s music plays and he comes out hand-in-hand with Kelly Kelly. It’s a mixed-gender tag team match. Yeo. This is going to be worth the airtime, I tell you what. Mike gives off to Kelly Kelly and as he goes to the corners, Kelly wishes CM Punk good luck in the Elimination Chamber. Christ.

Then Ariel and Kevin Thorn come out. They’re goths, you see. They’re called “two followers of vampirism”. As a kid, I loved Ariel, I thought she was the bees knees. Now, I see her as a semi-talented wrestler. Bell rings.

Intergender Tag Team match: Kevin Thorn and Ariel def. Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly via pin in 7:43.

The thing with having a male/female tag matches is that there are two kinds: intergender and mixed. In intergender, it works like a normal tag match where the legal partner tags in the one on the apron to help out in ring; in mixed, when two males are squaring off and one tags in his female partner, his opponent’s female partner must also tag in. The first is for hardcore and to allow lads to hit ladies; the second is a bit more PC and family friendly and stops the misogyny… or at least cuts back on it.

Thorn and Knox start off with Mike giving a few stretches and Kelly jumping on the apron. Kevin and Mike lock up. It is clear that Mike is the stronger of the two and Thorn wants to figure out his weaknesses. Quick dodge from Thorn and a punch to Knox’s face to knock him down. Ariel is distracting the cameraman with her arse. Knox tages over, pulling Thorn by the hair and knocking him to the ground with a huge punch. The pace here is slow and Ariel screams more than Melina. Lovely clothesline from Thorn and he gives Kelly a good hard stare. Tazz: “Good look there, Joey, like kismet… kismet, I say!”

Knox gives Thorn the big boot and goes for the pin but Kevin’s foot is on the rope. The crowd are going mental as Ariel is jumping up and down on the Apron as Knox gets Thorn in the headlock. The ladies haven’t been in yet but Ariel tags herself in and calls for Kelly Kelly to enter the ring. Kelly, just happy to be in attendance, points at herself as if to say, “My name is Kelly.” The crowd go mental. Ariel hits the big boot and gives Kelly a semi-tarantula on the ropes. A few punches and a crowd-pleasing boot to the throat follows. Ariel pulls on Kelly’s hair a lot. Kelly escapes Ariel’s hold and reaches for Mike but gets pulled back. Ariel does a bad dance and as Kelly goes to tag in Mike, he walks away, keeping her in the ring. Ariel takes over, giving her the fallaway chokeslam and sitting on Kelly’s face for the pin in 7:43.

2016 comments:

Godammit, so close to being a good match! If the boys had a bit more back-and-forth and the hot tag were better built up, this could have been a winner.

2006 comments:

If I just, like, hang about in Hot Topic, can I find a girl that looks like Ariel? I wouldn’t want to go out with her, just look at her for a while.

Grade: C

Ariel is about to leave but returns to Kelly to beat on her some more. The bell rings and… Oh yeah, it’s Sandman. Coming in for what reason? It’s in his contract, probably. The man stops, busts open a beer, busts open his own face, goes into the ring, swings his Singapore cane about and whips Kevin Thorn like a motherfucker. Sandman chases him up the ramp and whips him backstage, taking out a second beer and guzzling it, throwing it to the crowd afterwards. What a guy. What a terrible, terrible guy.

We’re getting ready for the Extreme Elimination Chamber and backstage, Rebecca DiPietro interviews Bobby Lashley, showing a promo of Bobby being screwed over by Paul Heyman during a match with Big Show. Bobby is upset about that. Rebecca mutters her way through a question and Bobby stumbles through his answer.

Cut to the Big Show, Bob Holly and Test walking to the ring with Paul E Dangerously and his goon squad.

Cut to a promo of the six men who will be fighting in the elimination chamber. This one is different because there are weapons. Funnily enough, this promo still has Sabu in it, which is good Kayfabe, I suppose. We see Bobby, CM Punk, RVD, Test, Sabu and Big Show hit people. Two miles of chain in the Elimination Chamber, apparently. The other stats don’t matter.

ECW music hits and out comes Paul E Dangerously himself, now known as Paul Heyman. He’s a great lad all together. He tells the crowd that this is their main event. The crowd cheer. As he talks, one member of the crowd tells him he sucks. He name-checks Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair – big woos from the crowd – and makes it out that he’s some sort of god in wrestling. He mentions Sabu and the crowd are not happy about this.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Sabu was removed from the chamber due to rumours that there was aminosity surrounding him and the Fed don’t respect him due to his reliance on hardcore matches.

Paul tells us that the time of Sabu and RVD has come to an end. Big boos. Heyman is riling the crowd up and the chamber lowers. The crowd is dead, no one is moving, no one his happy. Tazz says that he felt like he was welcome in the chamber. That’s true. He isn’t welcome anywhere near the damn thing.

The rules pop up, telling us that five minute intervals will open each pod with a new wrestler and new weapon.

Big Show’s music hits and the man comes down to the ring with his ECW world championship. He enters the chamber, look around and is ordered into a pod with the barbed wire baseball bat. He tests the barbed wire. Apparently, it is real.

CM Punk’s music hits and down he comes. Big Show’s face is against the plastic like a dog stuck in a car. Punk hops into the ring and is asked to go to a pod. He does, but not before harassing the Big Show in his. Big Show has forced his arm out of the pod already.

Test’s music hits and the crowd is silent. Ould Roidy Magoo comes down with his huge belly and his lack of talent. Tazz calls him one of the most intense athletes in the ECW roster, which is a lie. Big Show claps for Test and the ear-pierced idiot is put into a pod with a crowbar. By Christ, what is Gordon Freeman doing in a wrestling match?

Three pods filled and number four comes down: Bobby Lashley. Pathetic pyro. Lashley is the babyface, but not the fan favourite. Lashley is put in a pod with a table so that he can begin to make a refreshing meal for the other gentlemen. Paul Heyman is watching intently.

Hardcore Holly’s music hits and old Elroy Jetson himself comes to the ring with no humour at all. Awful. The crowd are going to hate him because he’s not Sabu and he’s terrible. Test applauds him with much difficulty.

Finally, we have our man RVD, coming to the ring stoned and all stretched out with his Ying and Yang. He takes his time coming to the ring because he, like everyone here, is not looking forward to this shitshow. RVD and CM Punk are good but Big Show gets gassed early, Holly has no empathy, Bobby is good but too much of a babyface and Test might well eat someone by mistake. The bell rings and the clock starts counting down from five minutes.

Extreme Elimination Match: Bobby Lashley def. Big Show (c) (w/ Paul Heyman), Rob Van Dam, Hardcore Holly, CM Punk and Test via elimination in 24:42.

Twenty-four, forty-two. The palindromic number. RVD and Holly lock up and bounce back and forth as the announcers remind us of the last ten minutes of intros. Holly throws Van Dam out of the ring and in reply, RVD jumps to the cage wall from the turnbuckle and back at Holly. Tazz wonders, “How does he do that?” By jumping. Holly throws RVD into the side of the chamber and gives him a gentle bodyslam before going to the top rope and attempting a top-rope nothing to which RVD reverses. RVD gives a huge Rolling Thunder over the top rope. Holly has a lovely wee lie down and RVD gets a suplex into the ring. Holly attempts a pin and fails. Tazz tells us that the biggest weapon in the Elimination Chamber… is the chamber itself.

Holly dropkicks RVD and the crowd counts down as the flashing roulette of fear opens up CM Punk’s pod. The straight edge lad jumps out, throws a chair at Holly and springboards right off the ropes onto RVD. He throws the chair at RVD, who catches it and throws it back. Then the two put on a better show in a minute than Holly has done in his entire career. Van Dam got bust open at some point and has his head put through the chair in the corner. Holly goes to pin Punk after flinging him into the side of the chamber and fails. Holly boots on Punk and the crowd chant for our boy Phil. RVD is badly bust and there are still two minutes to wait before someone else comes in. Holly suplexes Punk onto the ropes. Holly lifts Punk onto the top rope and there is a huge superplex from the top rope. RVD takes advantage and tries to pin Punk but fails. We have thirty seconds before another pod opens and the crowd are crazy for RVD.

The roulette of pain spins and Test comes out, the useless fuck. He sticks the crowbar’s spike into RVD’s forehead and gets a stunner from Punk. RVD is up with a chair, hitting Test a shot in the head followed by Holly and finally a dropkick with the chair to Punk. Five-Star Frog Splash and Punk is pinned.

CM Punk has been eliminated by RVD in 12:35.

Well that’s the crowd off side now. They’re not going to like that. Test big boots Holly and pins him for the elimination to no fanfare.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by Test in 12:45.

RVD climbs on top of the Big Show’s pod and the man leans through to grab him. Test gets up and hits RVD twice with a chair. Test pulls RVD off the pod, puts a chair on him and climbs up top to hit the massive elbow drop for the pin.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 14:15.

Big Show watches on, a look of horrific ecstasy on his face. The crowd are calling “Bullshit!” even though Test’s elbow drop was pretty impressive… for Test. We’re not dealing with Match of the Year types here, guys. We have New Year’s Baby and Roidy Magoo in here. C’mon. Lower the old standards.

The timer counts down and the penultimate pod opens: Bobby Lashley. But wait! Someone outside is keeping the pod locked. What is the meaning of this? Is there an unknown rule whereby if Bobby fails to leave his pod then he will be disqualified? It’s okay, though, he just uses his table to smash through some steel chains and escape. What a shitty spot.

Lashley escapes, beats on Test mercilessly and throws him into the blocked pod, smashing it open. Bobby throws Test around. The crowd are rabid by this point. Test takes over and holds Lashley by the foot, goes to take his chair and Bobby boots him in the face followed by a fair few clotheslines and a lovely suplex. Lashley gets the crowbar and spears Test, pinning him.

Test has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 19:42.

Here we go… Bobby alone in the Elimination Chamber with our boy The Big Show. Paul Heyman is giving Show a bit of a pep talk and with forty seconds left, Bobby is setting up a table to throw at Show, who stares out at him. Bobby chucks a chair at it, too and the pod opens when the time runs out. Big Show slowly walks out with the barbed wire baseball bat and wails on Bobby who only has the chair to protect himself. Bobby ducks and the barbed wire baseball bat is stuck in the chains. The ref has to remove it. Big Show is bust and Bobby throws him into a pod, beating on Show mercilessly.

Show smashes out, damn near knocking a cameraman over. Bobby bounces off the wall as if it is a ring rope. Show chucks him over the rope into the ring. Show calls for the chokeslam and Lashley is about to take it, countering it into a DDT. Paul Heyman looks on in horror. Lashley is up and the two men are swinging fists at each other. Bobby jumps into Lashley’s arms and escapes, bouncing about to give a huge spear to Big Show, winning the match in 24:42

2016 comments:

Good start, shitty middle, horrible ending.

2006 comments:

I don’t understand.

Grade: C

Bobby celebrates as our boy Paul looks on in horror and dismay. Tazz wonders how Lashley did it. With little difficulty. CM Punk and RVD did most of the hard work, being honest. He leaves, clapping hands and holding the championship aloft. Big pyro hits and Bobby’s dead happy.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I gotta say for the ten seconds or so that CM Punk was in this PPV, he kicked arse.

Woman of the Matches: Ariel. No doubt.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk!

Best Spot: Jeff’s catapult-to-moonsault onto MNM.

Hatches: Kevin Thorn, Balls Mahoney and Daivari.

Matches: Only one title was on the line and it changed hands: Bobby Lashley wins his first reign as ECW champion.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: This is renowned as the worst PPV of all time, certainly the worst-grossing, but was it really that bad? The last match was an indication of the entire PPV: It started okay and got steadily worse except for a bit in the middle where it was okay again. This PPV could have been so much bigger and better but backstage squabbles, lack of planning and preparation makes it just so. It’s still better than wrasslin’ used to be, mind.

On the Card will return on December 17 2016 with the Smackdown PPV Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on December 3, 2006, the second and final December to Dismember aired. It was an ECW PPV, utilising the new (and soon to be defunct) ECW brands, the first of its kind since One Night Stand back in June. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

December to Dismember 2006

You better watch out…

Oh, here we go, back to taglines. Nice. This cover shows Sandman’s arm peeking out of a chimney, holding his Singapore sticks with blood on the snow to spell ECW. is like one of those Christmas-themed horror movies like Jack Frost or Silent Night, Deadly Night… in fact, the cover seems to parody that film! The cheek of these cover designers.

There is no ye olde wrasslin’ video. Instead, we are shown the elimination chamber along with the edict, “Six men will enter… knowing they will suffer the unimaginable…” and the Elimination Chamber is shown as some kind of super-hell-in-a-cell. And no other match is advertised. We just have the main event and I should mention that the wrestlers in the main event are Bobby Lashely (yay), ECW Champ The Big Show (eeey), CM Punk (now, yay, but back then, eh?) Sabu (well, someone’s going to die), RVD (Okay!) and Test (oh Christ)? I mean, come on.

Big Christmas coloured pyro in the ECW presented December to Dismember 2006. The place is the James Brown (get down!) Arena in Augusta, Georgia and with a tiny 4,800 fans in the place with only 90,000 PPV buys (the lowest buyrate in Fed history), this is due to be a great, great, great clusterfuck. Bear in mind that only two matches were advertised before the PPV – the Elimination Chamber main event and the Hardy Boys vs. MNM. So stoked, though, right?

Our commentary team is the annoying Joey Styles and Tazz with two Z’s. One of the best things about this PPV is that the theme tune is fucking Bodies by Drowning Pool. Tazz tells us that the Elimination Chamber is ten tons of steel. Good Lord. Who cares about them, though, when we have the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera, once again forgets the announcer’s names and Savinovich does an awesome tongue roll because the man is a hero.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Stevie Richards and René Duprée. It is unknown how long it lasted.)

MNM’s music hits and… wait, didn’t you guys split up? They are wearing fluffy jackets with LED signs on the side that scroll through some words that no one sees. Melina is really hamming it up this evening, kissing and dancing and looking just like the ecstasy dropped before she walked into the arena. Good woman yourself.

Hardy’s music hits and the pair get a bit of a pop for their entrance as… Team Extreme? What? Since when? And the title says “The Hardys”. Make up your mind, boys. Joey says that both teams plan on splitting up again after this evening. So it’s like a Bizarro team-up. Right. That makes sense.

The Hardys (Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy) def. MNM (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)) via pin in 22:33.

Let’s get right into it. Tazz is being a pervert, as usual. He’s the Jerry Lawler of ECW. Lots of hugs between Joey and fat Matt in some sort of test of strength. Tazz considers that Mercury and Nitro may be related. What an odd thing to say. Weird announcers. A bit of scrapping and everyone runs into the ring to square off. The ref tells them off and the crowd chant for the Hardys. Matt and Joey tie up again and Mercury is thrown into the corner with Jeff tagging in. Lovely arm drag and knee drop before fat Matt comes in and Joey escapes to tag in Nitro. Big boos from the crowd and Jeff comes in, botching a jump over the rope like the dumb guy he is. Double clothesline from the Hardys and senton drop. Mercury comes in and they do an odd double team where they lift him from his back to… backdrop him. Nitro takes over and Mercury is tagged in as Melina screams because fuck Melina.

Jeff is trapped in the corner and Nitro hits a lovely elbow drop and standing shooting star press that misses as fat Matt comes in, hitting Nitro with a super sit-out-powerbomb. Mercury runs in and in the confusion, Melina pulls on Matt’s leg. Matt goes after her but gets a clothesline for his effort. MNM hit a doubleteam gutbuster on Matt. The ref is distracted and Melina hits the head-scissors on Matt to which Tazz says, “Hellooooo!” Melina screams again as MNM hit a double facebuster on Matt. We’re really gearing up for the hot tag here. MNM hit a double stalling suplex but Matt lands it and double-neckbreakers the bastards. As he goes for the hot tag, MNM fight back. MNM hit a Poetry in Motion as Melina screams once again. Mercury goes for the Twist of Fate but is countered. Hot tag and Jeff comes in.

Jeff predictably cleans house, hitting all the bases before Nitro pounces in to break the count but gets a lovely sit-out suplex. Suicide dives to the outside from Matt, Nitro and then Jeff. The crowd chant “ECW! ECW!” even though none of these men are ECW boys. Matt hits Poetry in Motion but MNM roll out of the way before Jeff can hit the Swanton. Melina screams. Nitro hits the springboard dropkick and fails to get the pin. Jeff is being beaten on in the corner and MNM hit the double catapult into the turnbuckle. It is followed by a long stretch from Nitro. Tazz says, “Simple but good.” Because he’s an idiot. Nitro hits some strange spinneroony leg drop and some punches are traded mid-ring. Matt comes in and as the ref is distracted, Melina and Nitro beat on Jeff. Mercury is tagged in and a pin gets nothing. A second and a third get nothing either. Mercury hits the backbreaker and Nitro does the springboard elbow. A lovely sunset flip by Jeff and Nitro Aloha-Arns for a bit before tagging in Mercury. The match has slowed down to a crawl.

Mercury has Jeff in a crossface and Jeff fights back. A rollup is so strong that when Jeff hits out, Mercury is thrown from the ring. He turns to Jeff and drags him off the apron and Nitro is back in the match with Jeff. Another double-team catapult but Jeff stops it, top-rope moonsaults and gets the hot tag to Matt. Matt cleans house as much as he can, hitting a bulldog and catching Nitro on the way down. Two Side-Effects followed by a pin attempt. Bret’s rope leg drop gets nothing so Jeff is tagged in and Nitro is picked up for a powerbomb. Mercury pushes his tag team partner up which forces the hurricanrana! Jeff is down and a pin attempt fails to keep him out. Nitro goes to the top rope but Jeff is up and all four men are in with MNM on the turnbuckles. The Hardy’s hit stereo superplexes. Tazz sings the theme song. Melina is distracting the ref and as Jeff goes to chastise her, Nitro hits the dropkick, missing Jeff and hitting Melina. MNM hit the Snapshot but Matt breaks it up. He is removed from the ring and MNM turn to Jeff, attempting a superSnapshot but Matt jumps in with the double neckbreaker and a Swanton on top of both members on MNM. Jeff hits the pin and the Hardys win in 22:33.

2016 comments:

Bit of a spotfest, but a lovely spotfest nonetheless.

2006 comments:

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss MNM.

Grade: A

The Hardys leave and we see replays of the best spots of the match. Melina looks legit hurt but the camera doesn’t hang around enough to show any blood.

Back to the announcers and both men drag themselves through the script, screwing it up wherever they can.

Cut to prerecorded footage of RVD understanding that the Elimination Chamber is a tough match. It isn’t as tough as any other match, they’re just being fools.

Matt Striker’s music hits and down he comes to the ring, shaking his head at the swearing of the crowd. Striker has the mic, which is where he should be. He makes fun of Balls Mahoney, the awful “wrestler” who is a parody of what ECW used to be. Matt tells us that he has a responsibility to all of us to restore order. He asks the official to enforce the following rules: no gouging of the eyes, no pulling of the hair, no manoeuvres off the top rope and, most importantly, no foul language. Fair play, Matt. This is a Striker’s rules match.

Balls comes down. He has class music. He’s a shit wrestler, but he’s a great showman. Matt has a picture of his own face on his arse. Pantastic.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls, whose real name was Jon Rechner, sadly died on April 12, 2016 at the age of 44 of a heart attack, yet another performer in wrestling who left us too soon. Despite my personal feelings for Balls as a wrestler and performer, it is a tragedy for anyone to lose a life. He passed away enjoying himself – watching Jeopardy and answering questions on the couch – and is survived by his wife Gayle and his son Christopher.

Striker’s Rules match: Malls Mahoney def. Matt Striker via pin in 07:12.

Bell goes and Balls is discussing things with Balls. There is a test of strength where Balls wins. The announcers tell us that Balls has an accomplished amateur wrestling career. Balls botches a jump over Striker and attempts the armbar but Stiker breaks it on the bottom rope. Striker is having pants trouble at the moment. Another test of strength is called but Striker beats on him, bouncing his head off the turnbuckle, reversing an Irish Whip and hitting an armbar on Balls, which he botches. Striker is doing things differently and it works. Striker actually pulls on Ball’s hair, though.

Striker hits more arm-based moves and Tazz calls Striker effeminate. Nice, Tazz. Keep it classy. Bit of an armbar city over here with Striker having a good long hold of some Balls. The announcers keep telling us how smart Matt is and how he is working on Balls’ arm. A run to the corner is stopped with a boot to the face but Matt gets another armbar on. The crowd chant his name each time Mahoney has offence, but it is never for too long. Mahoney goes to the top rope, but that is clearly against the rules so the ropes are shaken and Balls falls. Great rolling armbar and Balls is held there until he can break hold by grabbing the ropes. Great back drop and a bunch of knockdown strikes followed by a back body drop and Mortal Kombat Strikes, each with a “Balls!” from the crowd. Balls hits the spinebuster and pins Matt in 7:12.

2016 comments:

Not amazing, but a good comedy match with a weak ending.

2006 comments:

I can never get enough of Matt Striker being hurt

Grade: B

Backstage, we see CM Punk punching the air. Sabu, however, has been hurt in an unseen attack. It appears that he will not be taking part tonight. In comes our favourite Jew, Paul E. Dangerously, who rambles for a while and looks on helplessly. The Elimination Chamber is down to five. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!” knowing that it is, indeed, bullshit.

Old Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay come out to the ring with their towels and angry faces. Both of them have “Terkay” on the back of their tracksuit tops. I love the gimmick of legit sportspersons and having cornermen. It makes it seem more like the wrestlers are taking themselves seriously.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Elijah Burke used to be an officer in Jacksonville but would segue into wrestling through boxing. He had an impressive 98-1/103-1 win/loss record (depends on whether you ask Club 5, Club Plush or WWE themselves) and could not pull his punches in the ring so never threw worked punches. Sylvester Terkay is just as impressive, being a 5-time NCAA Boxing Champion, a 4-time NCAA National Heavyweight Champion and has the honour of being named number one Gaijin during his time in Japan.

Double Trouble Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls Mahoney was the evil Xanta Klaus in In Your House 5: Seasons Beatings… and Sylvester Terkay was Santa Imposter during an episode of In the House. Facts!

Elijah has the mic and gets heat from the crowd for smiling and talking about himself. He says that, “like a wild animal in heat, we will leave our mark!” which is a nice way of saying that they’re going to pee everywhere.

Out come the FBI (Full Blooded Italians), Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke with Trinity, who is a woman.

Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay def. The FBI (Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke) (w/ Trinity) via pin in 6:41.

The bell goes and Elijah is in the ring with his hat still on. Little Guido gets a quick full-nelson slam followed by Elijah spinning on him and slapping his face. Guido is not happy. Elijah is still wearing his hat. Guido gives Elijah the drop-toe hold, steals his hat, hits the armbar and tags in Tony Mamaluke. Tony drags Elijah about, tags in Guido and they hit the double elbow-drop. Tony is back in but gets knocked back before Sylvester gets in, beating on Tony in the corner, who slaps him back. A powerful Irish Whip is reversed and as the FBI attempt to double team Sylvester, he takes over, catching Guido mid-air, doing the big boot on Sylvester and chucking Guido out. The crowd reply with, “You still suck!”

Elijah comes in and there’s some headlock city going on there in the middle of the ring. Guido fights back, is thrown into the corner with Terkay and the Man-Bear is tagged in to delivery an amazing kick to Guido. MMA training, brah. Terkay Irish whips Guido into the corner and then does the same to Elijah. More headlock city from Elijah and Guido. Guido escapes, tags in Tony, who starts gaining momentum, but is stopped when Terkay comes in. The FBI double team Terkay and double flapjack Elijah. A close pin attempt. Elijah throws Tony into Terkay’s fist and hits the Elijah Experience for the pin in 6:41.

2016 comments:

Good half a match that finished too early.

2006 comments:

Terkay is the weak link in this match but was used well. Not a bad match.

Grade: B

Terkay hits the Muscle Buster on Tony and get some good old fashioned heat back. I tell you, December to Dismember is known as one of the worst PPVs of all time, but at the moment, it’s… okay. I know that I’m just cursing myself now, but for real, it’s been enjoyable. Only three matches left though and they might well be the drizzling shits.

On the Card will return on December 10 2016 with the second and final part of ECW December to Dismember 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #9. Cyber Sunday (Nov 5, 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Cryme Tyme stole the show… and Jerry’s laptop.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is working a different laptop, tapping keys seemingly at random. He does not computer well. Triple H turns up and they roll through a ham-fisted explanation of the stipulations for their match. Shawn is attempting to vote on the computer but his illiteracy stops him. Trips points out that Mr. McMahon’s head-up-Big-Show’s-arse ratio is too high for him to be special referee in their match. Trips then says that they don’t want Coachman either as Cena beat him up last week and, “the bloom is pretty much off that rose… as if it wasn’t when we stuck his head through a wall and spraypainted DX on his pimply butt.” Shawn agrees. That leaves Eric Bischoff, who Trips claims believes that he is controversial. It also conspires that Bischoff said DX don’t know the meaning of the word controversial. Shawn disagrees. Trips doubles down: Bischoff said Shawn specifically doesn’t know the meaning of the word. Shawn is apoplectic: He put Bret Hart in a Sharpshooter. Montral Screwjob reference! Shawn points out that Trips is controversial as he married old what’s-her-name. Shawn turns to a backstage helper, asks his name (it’s Stan) and superkicks him there and then to prove his controversy. He then superkicks two other men as he storms off, ranting and raving.

Cut to the official theme music of Cyber Sunday, Disciple’s “Scars Remain”.

The Hardy’s music plays and we are treated to the least-talented but crazier of the two: Jeff! He appears, strung out and high-fives all his fans. The Intercontinental title is on the line… but against whom?

Todd and Maria wonder what it is like to be Jeff Hardy right now. The choices are Carlito, Shelton Benjamin or Johnny Nitro. Carlito is tossing an apple. Shelton is praying. Johnny is posing the results are in… 62% for Carlito! Sweet Christmas pudding! Only 13% for Nitro and the other 25% go to Shelton. What a win for the man who doesn’t know whether to spit or swallow. Over 14 million votes cast worldwide.

His music plays and he comes out. JR considers that 62% is a big number and that any politician would love to have that numbers in their approval rating. Jeff is not happy to fight Carlito at all. Carlito places his apple below the turnbuckle and the championship is held high as the bell rings.

Intercontinental Championship match: Jeff Hardy (c) def. Carlito via pin in 13:21.

JR is talking about Pat Patterson as Carlito offers his hand to Jeff. He shakes it and offers a clap. The two men lock up and there’s a lovely snapmare followed by a number of combinations and pins. Because both men are faces, this has to be a good-old-fashioned wrestling match. Hardy knocks Carlito to the ground and there is a botch as Carlito goes to jump over Hardy but Jeff doesn’t duck like a goose. Carlito dropkicks Jeff’s knee and then taunts him with Hardy’s finger-salute before hitting a lovely suplex. Jeff dropkicks Carlito to the abdomen and we see that the two faces are becoming a bit heelish. Carlito hits the springboard moonsault on Hardy and is rocked outside followed by a baseball slide. Jeff runs the barricades but another dropkick sends him to the ground.

Hardy chants rise as the two men go into the ring. Jeff hits a ten count on the turnbuckle and Carlito counters a Vader-Bomb style slingshot splash. Full nelson city over here in the middle of the ring. Jeff fights back and hits a jawbreaker, almost getting the Twist of Fate but Carlito escapes it. Close pins and JR complains that they’re using too much energy. That’s a very old person complaint to make, JR. Full nelson city again in the centre of the ring. JR then cuts a wee promo for Cyber Sunday. Carlito hits a leg drop and almost gets the three. More full nelsons. Mike Chioda, the ref in charge here is not very happy with this time wasting. Jeff fights back and gets a flapjack on his face for his effort. Silly Hardy. Another close 2-count.

Lovely backbreaker and another close 2-count followed by… CHIN LOCK CITY. So many rest holds up in here. What are you guys, hourly? Come on. Carlito and Jeff both sell a drop as it they were both on the receiving end of it. Confusion. Lovely running neckbreaker from our man Hardy and Jeff hits a sit-out facebuster suplex, popping to the top rope for a Swanton but Carlito gets the knees up just in time. Devastating. Carlito hits a springboard spinning somersault followed by a springboard moonsault and gets Jeff up to hit the springboard lariat. Jeff fights back, runs up the turnbuckle for a Whisper in the Wind. He pops to the other turnbuckle but Carlito is up before Jeff can dive. They’re setting up for a super hurricanrana but it is countered and Jeff hits the Swanton for the pin in 13:21

2016 comments:

Lovely little match with a few too many rest holds and repetitive moves that lose their high-flying edge when performed flawlessly over and over again. We can be impressed by someone’s athleticism without having to see them do the same move the entire match.

2006 comments:

Absolutely great. I have grown into a huge Carlito mark all of a sudden.

Grade: A-

One little blonde girl in the audience goes fucking apeshit at the win. Jeff raises his hands, celebrates and goes out the winner. Interesting how this could be a springboard (excuse the pun) for a lovely feud between the two fan-favourites, leading to a potential heel-turn for one of them, but it could easily be a one-off due to the nature of Cyber Sunday.

Jerry still has no laptop. JR introduces the next match and we’re shown a recap of the events of the last few weeks. Randy Orton became a guest on Edge’s Cutting Edge. Edge asks some difficult questions and reminds them of Trips betraying him. Edge reminds him that Shawn Michaels betrayed Edge. Randy and Edge are best friends now… or at least realise that the enemy of their enemy is their friend. Edge and Randy dress up like DX in a sad attempt to out-prank the super pranksters. We have a special guest referee for this match – Bischoff, the Coach or Vince. All have a problem with DX so Rated-RKO have an advantage either way. Both teams are dirty-no-good-double-crossers.

Back in the arena, thousands get Porygon-style epileptic fits from the DX intro. I love the DX theme, though. It’s a bit too slow for me, but it never gets old and sounds like Rage Against the Machine. In the middle of the ring, they hit the X signs for three chops of pyro. Lovely. Shawn does a lap of honour and is gassed before the match even begins. The two men play the crowd off each other for a while as they clearly have nothing better to do.

Trips begs the crowd to be silent, yet they will not. Their voices will be heard. He asks the crowd if they are ready and asks again as the first answer isn’t good enough. Trips hits his, “Let’s get ready to suck it!” bit and Shawn asks, “If you’re not down with that-“ the crowd pre-empt him and Trips tells them off.

Todd and Maria have a little back and forth. Maria says she voted for Vince because she doesn’t want to be fired. She pretends she’s a dopey woman but she’s not. She’s shrewd as shit. The choices are (if you have been dozing the last hour) Eric Bischoff (the kind of controversy), Jonathan “the Coach” Coachman (fool), Vince McMahon (the chairman of the board). The winner is… Eric Bischoff with 60% of the vote! The Coach and Vince got 20% each! Whaaat. The man himself walks down in his WWE ref gear. He walks around the ring, unable to get in, seemingly.

Randy’s music hits and out he comes, hitting his Legend Killer pose on the Titantron, stopping mid-stride to wait for Edge. Jesus, these themes are amazing, aren’t they? Probably the two best theme songs of this generation, I’d say.

That’s right, I said it.

The two enter the ring slowly. JR and Jerry wonder how much experience Bischoff has had as a ref. He rings the bell and the match begins.

Tag Team match with Special Guest Referee Eric Bischoff: Rated-RKO (Edge and Randy Orton) def. D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) via pin in 18:11.

JR talk for a bit about how awesome DX are as the pranksters rock-paper-scissors to start the match. It’s Michaels and Edge, staring off and looking into each other’s eyes before they lock up. Fun fact: on the DVD I’m watching this on, the DX vs. Rated-RKO chapter starts at around 49 minutes and they finally lock up 1 hour, 4 minutes in. That’s fifteen minutes of promos, entrances and set up before a match. What?

JR chastises DX for not taking Edge and Orton seriously. Why would they? DX are funny lads and like a laugh. Edge takes a couple of bumps and Shawn sunset flips over him, making Edge Aloha-Arn for a while before Shawn pulls down Edge’s shorts, exposing his arse for a spanking. Humiliated, Edge takes quite a beating and HHH is tagged in. Trips climbs to the top rope, getting a huge pop for it… and just climbs down and into the ring. What? He punches the hell out of Edge’s face and gets a thumb in the eye for his effort. Randy is tagged in and takes over, throwing Trips into the corner, which he explodes out of. Trips hits a lovely delayed suplex, almost a brainbuster by the looks of it.

A knee to the face and Randy is reeling. Shawn is in and it’s his turn to beat on Randy with a Flair chop. Trips is back in and Randy throws him into the corner, tagging Edge in. Rated-RKO double team Trips with a lovely dropkick. Trips attempts to take over but Edge stays in control. Bischoff is being a great ref just now. I hardly remembered that it was him. Randy is being on Trips in the corner. Stomping a mudhole in Trips and walking it dry. JR considers whether it is legal or not to have such an extended attack upon someone in the corner. Trips stops a flying attack with a boot to Edge’s gut followed by a lovely DDT.

Hot tag to Shawn and he’s jumping around, hitting a kip-up followed by two atomic drops, going to one corner, deciding that it’s the wrong corner and going to the other one for the elbow drop. He tunes up the band but as the crowd count along, Orton slithers up from behind, pulls at his legs and Shawn’s balls are crunch on the ring post. Super slow count from Bischoff. Randy is in now, beating on Shawn. Another slow count. It’s almost like Bischoff doesn’t want Rated-RKO to win. Surely that’s nepotism. Trips runs in after Edge and Bischoff goes to chastise him as the heels beat on Shawn. Lovely dropkick by Edge, slow pin, rest hold city. Shawn struggles to his feet and tries to get to the hot tag, flips Edge over but the Rated-R Superstar turns it into a sunset flip. More Aloha-Arning from Shawn, into a pin and a two count.

Randy is in now with a lovely dropkick and another slow two-count. Rest hold city from the man himself. It lasts forever, by the way. JR considers that it is difficult to do Sweet Chin Music when lying on your back. Michaels is up, Flair chopping away at Orton, who retaliates with a backbreaker, really selling it as well. Edge is in, begging for Shawn to stand up for the spear but when the time finally comes, Michaels sidesteps and Edge spears Bischoff. A lovely enziguri from Michaels and both men are down. Hot tag is building up here and Randy and Trip comes in. Trips clears house, hits the high knee on Orton and the knee drop on Edge. Lovely spinebuster, leading into a Pedigree which is ruined by a spear from Edge. Michaels tosses Edge out and hits the suicide dive. Orton is on the floor, hits Trips with the RKO and goes for the pin. A new referee slides in, hits the one-two-thr- TRIPS KICKS OUT BAH GAWD.

Randy is getting ready for another RKO, sweat dripping from his nose. The RKO is countered, pushed into Shawn’s Sweet Chin Music and Trips covers but the pin is interrupted by Bischoff who pulls the ref out. As Shawn goes to kill Bischoff, Edge cracks him with a steel chair. Edge rolls into the ring, Trips dodges the chair, goes for the Pedigree on Edge but Orton has the chair now and hits a lovely chair shot to the head followed by an RKO on said chair for the pin in 18:11.

2016 comments:

Nice wee match, bit too long, especially near the end leading up to the spotfest. The finishing moves didn’t get as much of a pop as I’d expected and the fact that Bischoff was in the ring made little difference to the match except for the ending.

2006 comments:

Who is Bischoff again and why do I suddenly hate him like I’d never really liked him ever?

Grade: A-

Randy’s great music hits and Bischoff raises Edge’s arm, remembers that he’s hurt, lifts Randy’s arm and Rated-RKO have a wee moment in the middle of the ring. Randy hits his Legend Killer pose and Edge hits… the DX sign? What? Wrestling makes little sense sometimes. The heels and ref leave as we see the highlights of the match. Surprised no one went the extra mile and bladed this match. I think this is the first one in a while where Trips hasn’t bled everywhere.

Cut to the damn Marine. Has it not come out yet? John Cena is hitting up his mental thug accent. What a guy, know’m’sayin’?

Back in the arena, JR is attempting a promo on the main event but it cuts backstage to show Lita congratulating Rated-RKO as they go to celebrate, still in their ring gear. They are asked by Todd whether their win is tainted by the fact that they won via cheating and say that it is only the beginning for their team.

Back in the ring, it is the match that isn’t a match! The Divas come out, not a wrestler amongst them, all of them gimmicked and showing skin. Awful. Lilian Garcia introduces Mickie James and JR hopes that she has taken her medicine.

Lita’s scream music hits and she comes out, the only talented one of the lot. We see the tournament and it’s a pathetic one at that. There were more (namely Candice, Torrie Wilson and Victoria) but they had a single match each and then were involved in a Bra and Panties match with Maria. Take away these “wrestlers” and you’re left with Lita, Maria, Mickie and Melina. That was it. Those were the female wrestlers that they could bring up to do a tournament. That’s just sad. Shame on you, WWE. Shame upon ye. Why would you even want a belt that only three other people can actually fight for? You’re the best of a bad bunch.

Cut to Maria who fires together a horrible promo on how she’s disappointed she’s not in the ring to attempt to get the vacant title (Trish won it at Unforgiven back in September and then retired with it) but she’s sure they’re going to have a great match. I wouldn’t be so sure, somehow. The choices for this match are No DQ, Diva Lumberjill or Submission. 46% for a Lumberjill, 40% for no DQ and 14% for submission. The fans clearly know that the girls can’t actually wrestle.

Lumberjill match for the vacant WWE Women’s Champion: Lita def. Mickie James via pin in 8:07.

We know how this is going to fare, but let’s watch anyways.

Lita instantly throws Mickie out and the Lumberjills roll her back in. Mickie throws Lita out and she rolls herself back in. Jerry says, “There’s no such thing as a sure thing… unless your name is Lita.” The girls headlock each other and have some weak shoulder barges, bad hip tosses, sad dropkicks and pantomime acting. Lita attempts to escape and the Lumberjills push her back in. Hair pull and face smash. Kick to the stomach and choke in the corner. Lovely snap suplex and even JR is impressed. The Lumberjills are hitting a Sable-level beat on the mat. Lita gets her head battered into the turnbuckle and the crowd could not give a shit, neither could the announcers. Lita telegraphs the word’s saddest body slam. Mickie is tired and Lita jumps on her back for sleeper hold in the centre of the ring. The Lumberjills attempt another beat and Mickie hits the cross-arm-breaker in an attempt to “hyperextend that arm”, but Lita breaks the hold with her feet on the rope. Irish whip and a couple of push-downs from Mickie as Lita desperately tries to claw her way out of this pathetic match. Both girls fall out of the ring in a botched tarantula, I think, and the Lumberjills jump on them. Ten count in the middle of the ring but the girls are up and smacking each other. Weak toss into the turnbuckle. Mickie calls for her finisher, misses the ropes and falls. JR asks, “What the hell was that?” Lita goes for the cover, attempts to use the ropes and is pushed off by a Lumberjill. Punches mid-ring and Victoria pulls on Mickie’s leg, leading to the most brutal DDT I’ve seen in a women’s match and the pin for Lita’s fourth and final reign as WWE Women’s Champion in 8:07.

2016 comments:

Fuck off with your “women’s wrestling”. There’s no wrestling here, Vince, it’s just a chance to show tits on TV.

2006 comments:

I made a sandwich during this.

Grade: This deserves no rating.

No wonder Lita retired three weeks later. I wouldn’t want to wrestle in a company that hates you. She celebrates in ring as the tits all leave. The crowd could not care less. We see a replay of that brutal DDT which probably actually killed Mickie. Let’s move on.

On the Card will return on November 19th with the third and final part of Cyber Sunday 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #9. Cyber Sunday (Nov 5, 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 5, 2006, the PPV Cyber Sunday aired. It was a Raw PPV, and the first Raw PPV since Unforgiven way back in September. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Cyber Sunday 2006

Log On. Take Over.

Alright! Now we’re talking! Now that is a tagline worth fighting for! And the poster featured the diminutive Maria stepping into an old CRT monitor over what looks to be a keyboard without symbols. The gimmick of Cyber Sunday was that fans could vote online for different stipulations to each match, which was moderately exciting.

Let’s jump right into it. The DVD has mouse icons to select your match. Great stuff. Bit disappointed that they are pointing in the wrong direction, however, but I can let that slide today, WWE. The opening video informs us that over 10 million fans voted online during Cyber Sunday. We get to choose the partner, adversary, rules, challenger, special guest referee, which title is on the line. It ends with the line, “Come see what you’ve created!”

That’s passing the buck a little there, Mister World Wrestling Entertainment. If the card is shite, don’t blame me. I don’t even think I voted.

Raw presents WWE Cyber Sunday and the big pyro tells us that it has begun! Loads of signs out there today as Jumping Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler invite us to the US Bank Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio for the very first, most interactive PPV of all time, ever, so far. 7,000 in attendance, which is a low number, but with 228,000 PPV buys, I don’t think many people will be weeping. Jerry is actually on the laptop when JR tells us that 14.5 million people have voted. Christ alive. If only even ten percent of that number bought tickets, it would be a great day. Unfortunately, little over 1.5% seemed to buy tickets. My maths might be off on that because I’m not a huge nerd.

The camera pans to my legit favourite Spanish Announcers (I know that’s a bit of a controversial statement in this day and age, but I stand by it) Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. If you just watch Savinovich when Cabrera is speaking, it is hilarious. He looks like a man who knows little Spanish outside of what he learnt in school and he is trying to piece what Cabrera is saying together from simple sentences… and then he just explodes with wonderful, fluent dialogue AND THEY AREN’T EVEN CUT OFF THIS TIME. PRAISE BE.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Super Crazy and Rob Conway. It lasted about three minutes.)

First match is featuring Umaga. The crowd cannot care less. They boo, they roar, they bellow. Umaga is the “host” of the match and his “guest” is to be chosen and voted by the audience… from a list of three. So, basically, the result will never change because the challenger (or “guest”, if you prefer) will always win or always lose. This is just deciding who gets a payday and who doesn’t. It would be interesting if all three wrestlers backstage get the payday as they would have to turn up, get into gear, warm up, run over a match with Umaga and then one would do it… unless the voting was rigged and these people were told in advance whether or not to come in either because the people in charge of the voting pulled the results early or didn’t give a shit about the results and just pulled the choice from their asses. Either way, you’d be furious if you travelled for hours, sat around backstage, got suited and booted and then ended up having to go home empty handed… let’s watch and find out.

Todd Grisham and Maria are up by the Titantron to announce the results of the votes. Maria, fresh from her adventure into Cyberspace, has no idea how to dress. He tells us nearly 15 million votes were cast. Maria rocks through her lines as best she can despite her obvious brain injury. Backstage, we see the three lads up for it. We have Kane, my one-time favourite wrestler, at this moment in time just a big bald baby; Chris [REDACTED] Benoit, the US Champ, standing there and planning his eventual fall into WWE-imposed obscurity; and Sandman, who is a cunt.

They ask for a drumroll. They get one. The results are in, over 14,300,054 votes worldwide (which means the total number of votes has to have been 14,300,055) and the winner is Kane with 49%! Well done K-

Wait, what the fuck? Let me look at those results more clearly. Sandman got 28%? And [REDACTED] got 23%? What the fuck? Who wouldn’t want to see my boy, Canuck Crossface himself?

Wrestling makes no sense sometimes.

Kane does an evil wee smile and moves from backstage towards the ring. The pyro goes off as our boy, the Undertaker’s evil demon brother makes his way to the ring for some more pyro. Double pyro.

Umaga (w/ Armanda Alejandro Estrada) def. Kane via pin in 8:39.

Kane goes after Estrada on the apron and Umaga takes the time to run and attack Kane like the coward he is. Kane and Umaga smack and slap each other senseless and Kane hits a few great right hands there followed by a choke on the turnbuckle. The ref tries to break it up and Kane goes after him. Umaga headbutts Kane and JR points out that Umaga, as a Samoan, must have a very hard cranium. Good old fashioned hard-headed foreigners. Umaga hits Kane with a great belly-to-belly suplex and Kane does his brother’s sit-up but Umaga kicks him back down. As Kane is getting up, he hits a few right hands and runs the ropes only for Umaga to hit a spinning heel kick on him.

The crowd chant for Kane and he rallies, hitting the Irish whip and Big Boot but getting a facebuster for his effort. Great “Remember, Remember, the fifth of November” sign in the crowd (V for Vendetta came out earlier in the year, so I doubt we have some British history buffs in Cincinnati tonight) as JR mentioned that Umaga cannot really wrestle: “he can brawl, but can’t wrestle.” Big words, JR. Wait til the Samoan Bulldozer gets wind of that. You’re fucked. JR points out that he knows Umaga likes to hurt people and King says that Estrada likes to watch. Kinky.

Lovely body slam from Umaga and the big lad goes to Bret’s rope to hit the flying headbutt but Kane kicks out. Umaga berates the referee for not counting quickly enough. JR mentions the thickness of Umaga’s thighs and Jerry says, “ain’t seen legs like that since the Brontosaurus died out.” Umaga hits a Rikishi-like arse-attack. On the outside, Umaga attempts the Samoan Spike but Kane dodges and the thumb hits only a ringpost. Kane takes over with some lovely offence including a throw into the steel steps, neck shots, a ten-punch in the corner that goes over and above. Kane then headbutts Umaga and hits the clothesline. Umaga looks fucked and a second clothesline puts him onto the ropes but Umaga reverses an Irish whip, hits the Samoan drop and as he is celebrating, Kane sits up, gets ready for the chokeslam but Umaga rakes the eyes. Backdrop and Kane calls for… wait… is he going top-rope? You know that’s bad news. Estrada goes to push him off, but is thrown off himself. Kane goes airborne with a double-axe-handle-nothing and Umage spikes him once in mid-air and once again for the pin in 8:39.

2016 comments:

Probably one of the better Umaga matches I’ve seen. Kane has a habit of putting on average matches and his gimmick is far better than his skill as a wrestler, but he had a great match here. Good opener.

2006 comments:

How do they let the cheating manager by the ring each and every time? Don’t they ever learn?

Grade: B

Umaga celebrates by looking at the crowd and then going to Spike Kane again but he escapes before that is possible. Estrada’s hair is mental. Umaga’s winning streak is impressive considering his stupid gimmick and even worse finishing move.

Cut to the Big Show backstage. He bumps into Queen Sharmell who tells him that being the Champion of Champions isn’t the best thing… it’s keeping the status quo. She suggests that if Show’s title is on the line or Booker’s title is on the line, he and Booker should unite to ensure that it does not change hands… but if John Cena’s title is on the line… well, it’s just everybody for himself then, isn’t it? Big Show says that Sharmell is the most beautiful queen he has ever seen (and she is lovely) but he does not trust either Sharmell or Booker. He is about to copy Rock’s “take that x, shine it up real nice and stick it-“ but Sharmell walks off.

Cryme Tyme come out. Wasn’t a huge fan of Cryme Tyme because they seemed like what a white person thought black people were like, but apparently the guys, JTG and Shad Gaspard, were down with it because they were actually parodying what a white person thinks black people are like. This is very meta. I can’t really think too hard about this.

Then out comes the World’s Biggest Love Machine, Viscera and Charlie Haas. Of course, Viscera is also the world’s biggest botch machine. Wasn’t Mark “Sexual Chocolate” Henry supposed to be using this gimmick? Didn’t he get Mae Young pregnant and she gave birth to a hand? So many questions, none of them involving Big Daddy V. I always had a soft spot for Viscera.

The Highlanders are here! Jerry attempts a Scottish accent and JR uses the term “referendum”, which is due to cause tears amongst the Scots.

Droning guitar and out come Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. There isn’t much to say about them other than the fact that they’re from Texas… maybe? They’re a cheap Smoking Gunns, that’s all I have to say.

Cut to Maria and Todd. Todd reminds us of the match that happened seconds ago and that he doesn’t even know what type of match this is going to be. Maria does. It’s a tag team match. Well done, love. She is excited, though, so excited! So excited that Todd needs to remind her how excited she is. Why is she excited? Because the options are… Fatal Four way… Tag Team Turmoil… or Texas Tornado.

What are the differences? Fatal 4-Way is an elimination match. Tag Team Turmoil is that two tag teams start and when one is defeated, another takes its place until three teams have been eliminated. Texas Tornado is a schmoz.

The results are in… 50% to a Texas Tornado. And the schmoz begins instantly.

Texas Tornado Match: Cryme Tyme def. The Highlanders, Charlie Hass and Viscera, and Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch via pin in 4:28.

And what a schmoz it is. I used to love matches like this when I were kinder because they were so hectic and it looked like an actual fight. As I grew older and wearier, however, I stopped enjoying them as much and such is the case today, I assume. Cryme Tyme and Charlie Haas/Vicera are mid-ring while Highlanders and Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch are outside. Shad and Viscera (“Big Vis,” as JR calls him) are mid-ring and Shad rolls away from a big Senton Splash from Viscera. JTG and Shad do a strange catapult job. Cade and Murdoch roll Cryme Tyme out after a sweet neckbreaker combo and The Highlanders come in, throw each other about for a while and take over the shift.

Very fast paced as both Cade and Murdoch are removed. Stereo suicide dives to the outside from the Highlanders. Haas and JTG are in the ring. Haas boots JTG in the head and the Cryme Tymer fights back with a lovely jumping dropkick. Charlie replies with a wonderful German Suplex. Shad is in with a Big Boot and Viscera defends his teammate. Shad has him beaten until Viscera Bossman Slams him. He then gyrates mid-ring. Sexy. Viscera barges both Haas and Shad in the corner and his booted out of the ring by stereo dropkicks from The Highlanders. Cade and Murdoch are in and beat Robbie with a pair of double team moves but Cryme Tyme slither in and both pin Robbie for the win in 4:28.

2016 comments:

Spotfest as all wrestlers roll through their team-ups. Not a lot of variation here other than Highlanders and Lance/Cade with Cryme Tyme and Haas/Viscera.

2006 comments:

Match of the year if they’d only had weapons.

Grade: C

Cryme Tyme wave to JR and Jerry. Sychophants. They then jump on the announcer’s desk and try to dance with the announcers. It is embarrassing. Jerry and JR fist bump and JR points out that Jerry’s laptop is missing BECAUSE CRYME TYME STOLE IT BECAUSE RACISM.

On the Card will return on November 12th with the second part of Cyber Sunday 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #8: No Mercy (October 8, 2006) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Good Booker/Batista match and the DX/McMahon match was acceptable…

Cut to the back and King Booker is harassing Regal for not doing his job. Regal, bleeding from his head, is apologetic. Finlay turns up, says he came for two things: to fight and to take Booker’s World Heavyweight Championship. Booker blames Regal and calls him pathetic, useless and that he makes him sick. Regal fights back with a great punch to Booker, knocking the king to the ground. Booker gets so angry that he reaches for his crowd to stamp to the ground but finds that it is not there.

Cut to the pre-main-event-promo. King Booker is king. Batista is a destructive monster. Lashley is an absolute machine. Finlay… is the weak link, but the obvious superheel. Teddy Long announces the Fatal-Four-Way and all the lads beat on each other to show that there are no allegiances.

Cut to the back and Bobby is taping his wrists when Drax the Destroyer comes in. Bobby reminds Batista that they are fighting in, like, a minute. Batista tells him there will be no mercy, which is the name of the PPV.

In the ring, the rules of the Fatal-Four-Way are announced and Finlay arrives to little applause. I just noticed that he is from Belfast, Ireland as opposed to Belfast, Northern Ireland, which pleases me greatly. Toicfaidh ár lá.

Bobby’s music hits and the monster walks to the ring with his crazy eyes and no emotion on his face. He looks amazing, like a handsome Ahmed Johnson.

Batista’s music hits and there’s a pop like no other. Down he comes, doing a wee dad jog and hopping about, machine gunning his pyro and… he shaved? He shaved between his Lashley promo and now. Priorities. He runs up the steps and eyes up his enemies.

Booker’s wonderfully repetitive royal music hits and out he comes with his mad, lovely, lovely wife. Cole tells us that Booker’s palace is crumbling, which is not true as he holds no land nor titles. Cole and JBL bicker on the mic about statistics. The ref holds the belt aloft and the bell is rung.

Fatal-Four-Way match for the World Heavyweight Championship: King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) def. Bobby Lashley, Batista and Finlay via pin in 16:52.

Finlay rolls out of the ring as soon as the bell goes and leaves Bobby and Batista to beat on Booker by the ‘buckle. Sharmell is not happy as the two friends double-team the King of the Ring. Finlay returns to batter Lashley and remove him from the situation. He turns on Batista and as Booker goes for the Irishman, there is a pause and a temporary allegiance as they attack Batista in the corner. Bobby returns and tosses Finlay out. JBL states that there will never be a pin-attempt over the two-count unless the men are isolated, which is, of course, totally true. Bobby hits a great body slam on Booker and Finlay pulls his king from the ring. Bobby chases after them and is beaten to the ground for his effort. The King and his Knight hammer mercilessly on Batista mid-ring.

Booker and Finlay continue to batter the fan favourite with some great chops and an Irish whip to the corner is followed by a betrayal by Finlay. JBL calls him a bastard. Finlay batters Booker for a while and Bobby tries to get involved but is hindered. A two-count is interrupted by Batista, who gets an arm-lock for his trouble. The veins on Batista’s arm. Batista lifts the arm-lock, hits a fireman’s suplex but Finlay holds the arm-lock on. Lashley gets involved and Finlay gets Lashley into a half-Boston-crab. Booker arrives, superkicks Finlay and attempts a pin but is broken by Batista.

It is the Animal’s turn to beat on the champ and beat he does, Irish whipping Booker into the ropes as he ducks a clothesline and retaliates with a jumping kick. Batista attempts again and this time hits the Bossman Slam on the champ. Bobby is up, though, throwing both Batista and Booker out of the ring. Finlay runs in with… the belt I think? Either way Bobby attacks him. Little Bastard sneaks in, low-blows Bobby and Finlay takes the time to batter Bobby with the shillelagh. A pin attempt, broken by Booker then another broken by Finlay.

The Irishman gets kicked in the corner and Batista is back in, taking turns to hit Booker and Finlay, finally getting Booker in a stalling jackhammer suplex but failing to get the pin. It is only Batista and Bobby in the ring. The two friends must face off. Great moment in the ring followed by a brutal spear but Bobby stays in the match. Three pin attempts, each one followed by a successful kickout by Lashley. Batista is trying everything and Bobby spinebusters Batista, busting him open. Lashley wastes no time in clotheslining the Animal, knocking him out of the ring and doing the same to Finlay. Booker hits the Book-End on Lashley but he kicks out. Bobby and Booker are mid-ring now, and a suplex is reversed into a small package.

Running the ropes and another two-count. Booker removes his hairband and is about to hit his scissor kick when Finlay arrives, breaks the count and Batista spinebusters everyone in the ring, channelling his inner Ultimate Warrior and hits Finlay with a Batista Bomb before Bobby spears him off his feet. Booker gets up, sees the carnage and pins Finlay for the win in 16:52.

2016 comments:

Great main event. Lots of good spots, bit of blood, very frantic action and little rest holds. Tiny storylines here and there, nothing amazing, but a thoroughly enjoyable main event. Well done, lads, you left everything in the ring. Screwy finish, mind.

2006 comments:

I have never been more impressed by these four mediocre wrestlers.

Grade: A

JBL and Cole argue as Booker leaves and the PPV ends with an, “All Hail King Booker!”

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I am loath to say this, but Mr. [REDACTED] himself, Chris Benoit.

Woman of the Matches: No women’s match this time around so, once again, the best woman in the PPV is the fantastic Queen Sharmell, who was far better than Ashley Massaro, Michelle McCool and Vickie Guerrero combined.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Chris Benoit!

Best Spot: Finishing spot with the triple spinebusters, Batista Bomb and spear. Very fast, very frantic, very fun.

Hatches: Jimmy Wang Yang, Sylvan, Montel Vontavious Porter, Marty Garner, KC James, Idol Stevens, Vito.

Matches: Both Paul London and Brian Kendrick retained their WWE Tag Team Championship belts and King Booker retained his World Heavyweight Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: Probably one of the better Smackdown PPVs that I have seen. Long may this level of wrestling reign.

On the Card will return on November 5 with the RAW PPV Cyber Sunday 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #8: No Mercy (October 8, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: MVP. Very disappointing.

Cut after a break to JBL and Cole bigging up the upcoming Falls Count Anywhere match between Chavo and Rey.

Promo for the match showing Chavo’s betrayal during Rey’s World Championship match against Booker T at The Great American Bash by hitting him with a chair. Vicky Guerrero is unhappy about this and shouts at Chavo for a while… and then ends up bopping Rey with a chair herself. Vicky cuts a promo on how she hates Rey. We see Rey botching some moves and they let on that it was caused by his mind being on the Guerroros, not because Rey is a botch machine. The Guerreros threaten Rey’s son and hold him hostage, costing him a match against Mr. Kennedy. Bastards.

The announcer claims that the “falls count anywhere” stipulation means that the falls count anywhere… within the arena. So it should just be a “falls count anywhere in the arena” match then? Vicky comes out with Chavo, described as Chavo’s “business manager”, which is nice of them considering that they could easily make them have an affair or something. JBL calls Rey a leech. Chavo wears pants that say “Warrior”.

Rey erupts from the titantron, getting a huge kiddy pop. He gives his medallion to a child, gives his shirt to another, doing his Juan Cena impression. He jumps into the ring and the bell starts the match.

Falls Count Anywhere match: Rey Mysterio def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via pin in 12:10.

The two lads lock up and it’s a fast-paced beat-em-up match, the two luchas giving it loads and doing a great job of hitting the spots early including a high dropkick, a missed dropkick, a jackknife cover and a roll-through in quick succession. Cole says that the Falls Count Anywhere matches are designed to end rivalries and JBL agrees, saying that the fact that it can end in a parking lot is reason enough. I don’t understand.

Rey gets to the top rope and Chavo pops up beside him, the two men hitting each other. “Eddie! Eddie!” chants rise up as Chavo turns to the cameraman and tell him to move as he sets Rey up for a powerbomb to the outside. It takes some time as Chavo has difficulty lifting Rey. They punch each other at the same time and the concussive blast knocks both men down. Chavo beats on Rey by the barriers and jaws off to Mysterio as the two men purposely fight down the aisle to the side of the Titantron. Chavo looks about, lifts Rey into a powerbomb position and Rey holds onto the decorations, kicking Chavo and hitting the hurricanrana. They battle to the crowd and Chavo hits a dodgy throw onto the sides of the arena.

Rey reverses Chavo’s Irish whip, throwing him into a barricade and hits a weak leg drop, almost breaking his arse. Chavo is crawling away and Rey hits the running hurricanrana on him. Rey attempts a move of some description and Chavo ends up using him like a baseball bat, hammering him off the barricades and chairs. There are some pin attempts along the way but none are interesting enough to warrant note. Chavo throws Rey into the crowd and they ascend the stairs together. The fans are reaching out, grabbing them and the men are getting too close to the crowd. Mysterio hits the seated senton, hitting the cameraman.

Chavo hits Rey with a huge clothesline and they are making their way around the ring, moving constantly. JBL and Cole argue on the mic. Fuck up, boys. Rey is thrown into the barricades and Rey hits the 619 on Chavo around the barricade. We are getting dangerously close to a high-flying move and it comes as Rey hits a dodgy cross-body and gets the pin in 12:10.

2016 comments:

Garbage wrestling, improvised and called on the fly. Not great and no memorable spots.

2006 comments:

The crowd make this match and I must say, if I were there, the thirty seconds where I could see the match would make it all worth it.

Grade: C

Rey beats on Chavo as the match finishes but Vicky is there to protect him. Where did she come from? Those Guerreros are amazing. Replays of the 619 and the cross-body that finished the match. Vicky screeches like a woman possessed.

Cut to a promo for The Marine. We have Ric Flair for some reason. We see all the stars bigging up the armed forces. One of the marines says that John Cena’s catchphrase is, “don’t quit,” which is shit.

Cut to Cole talking bollocks as usual. JBL likes to talk a bit of shite as well.

Regal’s music hits and the real man’s man walks to the ring, quite besmirched. He is introduced as Sir William Regal. Great.

The crowd pops once and Benoit’s music hits. When [REDACTED] comes out, he actually smiles. What? A smile from the Rabid Wolverine? I love Benoit. I hate what he did but by God he was a great wrassler.

Chris Benoit def. William Regal via submission in 11:16.

Benoit and Regal lock up, with the crowd already chanting Benoit’s name. Regal is a wonderful, old school wrestler and the two work fantastically together. The two fall to the mat and begin arms locks and knee strikes. Benoit paces after Regal, following him around the ring like a predator. JBL states that, “Benoit has no real flaws,” which I mostly agree with. He has little personality and is terrible on the mic. Essentially, he’s a murderous Lance Storm.

Test of strength from the two men after a bunch of two-counts followed by a wonderful kip-up by Regal and leg-scissors by Benoit. This is a true wrasslin’ match. Benoit hits some brutal chops before German suplexing Regal. Benoit headbutts Regal and hits the second German suplex. Benoit goes to the top rope, busting Regal open (or at least further busting Regal open). Regal is on the apron and threatens to suplex Benoit to the outside of the Wolverine sneaks out and grabs Regal from behind, teasing the German to the outside. Benoit takes a dodgy fall to the ground followed by a close two-count, broken by his foot on the rope.

Regal is in control now, squeezing the life from Benoit. Benoit fights back and attempts the Sharpshooter. Cole says, “Take note, MVP,” and it is annoying how much he has become a butt monkey in the last few minutes. Regal gets Benoit in an abdominal stretch but the Canuck fights back with some brutal chops in the corner on Regal’s wound. The Englishman fights back with double throwing suplexes and attempts an STF, which Benoit reverses into an armbar but Regal has his foot on the ropes. Regal goes for the surfboard and choke combo. Benoit is… bleeding from the mouth, somehow.

Benoit breaks the hole and we have some full nelson reversals followed by a full nelson suplex and a slow, laborious move into the Crippler Crossface, which Regal taps out in instantly in 11:16.

2016 comments:

As a wrasslin’ match, it was fantastic. Lots of reversals, great interconnecting moves and a wonderful Regal kip-up. As a wrestling match, however, it has no psychology and was a little slow but both men went over clean and Regal barely cheated.

2006 comments:

You’d know the main event is coming up next.

Grade: A-

Benoit holds in the submission hold until the ref tells him not to. Regal leaves the ring as Benoit gets a standing ovation and Cole and JBL sing praises to our man Chris Benoit. JBL tells him to “go to the back, find MVP and call him out.”

On the Card will return on October 30 with the fourth and final part of No Mercy 2006.