Previously on On the Card: Judgment Day 2006 had a great Booker T and Bobbly Lashley match. Everything is looking great.
Then Khali appears. Fuck everything about this.
The promo package bigs up the Undertaker a lot, as if he needs it. The man is a legend. Then comes Khali, a man who is quite tall, has a great big chest but only slaps Taker. We see Khali absolutely murdering everyone around him including Rey Mysterio, a very short man. Khali roars for a bit, making himself looks bestial in a… special way. He is not threatening in as much as you feel sorry for him.
His Titantron video is awful. It’s Khali’s face with flame in his eyes. Khali looks a bit like Roman Reigns, only with a bit of talent. The camera is all low-slung to make Khali look huge, not that he needs it. Big pause waiting for our man Taker. Then the bells toll, the lights go out and the crowd pops. Smoke everywhere as the Undertaker takes his stroll to the ring, avoiding the pyro this time. Maggle asks if the Undertaker’s spirit has been broken. Of course not. The man deals with death all the time. And you always need an undertaker. It’s good work. Even if the wrestling slows down, he can still bury people.
He enters the ring after about an hour or so. Him and Khali give each other a big, long look, stand toe to toe to show how much taller Khali is. The bell rings, finally.
The Great Khali w/Daivari def. The Undertaker via pinfall in 08:31.
I am tempted to write “it was shite” and be done with it, because even my memory, destroyed by age and video games, can remember this shitshow. There was a time when the Undertaker was a powerful force within the Fed, when he would fight the biggest and best. Mankind. Trips. Stone Cold. The Rock. Kane. All those men had mad skills, or at least had some in-ring ability when they faced the Phenom, but Khali… He looked the part, kind of, but was really nothing to write home about otherwise.
Taker dodges a punch and starts wailing on Khali. He gets thrown through the ropes like a damn ragdoll and takes his time going back into the ring. Khali winds up a shot with a pantomime spin of his fist. Undertaker once again dodges it and wails on Khali, only to be thrown through the ropes. The Undertaker gets back in, is stopped on the apron and gives Khali a stunner. He’s back in the ring, back in control and goes for an Old School, but Khali throws him off the top rope halfway across the ring. Khali is beating weakly on Taker, who is selling each punch like a chairshot. “Taker! Taker!” chant rises. Khali kicks and punches and clotheslines Taker. Khali walks outside and strolls about like a man who forgot his deodorant. Daivari is on the apron, distracting the ref, then jumps down to kick Taker for a while. Khali lumbers over to taker, keeping an eye on the ref, bodyslams Undertaker, makes a chopping signal with his hand, hits Undertaker, puts the foot on his chest and gets the two-count to minimal applause. Undertaker does his sit-up thing and beats on Khali some more.
Mean Mark is getting a decent amount of offense in and goes for another Old School, hitting it almost perfectly. Boxing jabs from Taker, but Khali barely moves. Undertaker dodges the clothesline, hits Khali with a jumping punch and Khali gets wrapped in the ropes. Daivari jumps in, distracts the ref and releases Khali. Taker goes for the clothesline, fails, and gets a boot from Khali for his effort. He sits up, gets another chop and a boot for the pin in 8:31.
There was once a time when this was considered a good idea. There will never be a time when this would be considered a good match.
Go away, Khali.
Recap of the “best moments” of the match, which include a kick, a punch and a push through the ropes. Crap, crap, crap.
Promo for See No Evil, featuring Kane. We’ve all seen it, no point in recapping it.
The Phoenix Suns are also in the audience.
JBL vs. Rey Mysterio promo showing our man Rey defeating Angle and Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. Rey tells us that he’s loving every minute of his reign. Real babyface stuff. JBL heels it up, looking up at JBL, Mark Henry, Khali and Kane every attack being ineffective against the giants. JBL is a real cunt at the best of times, but now he’s being a supercunt. Of course you want Rey to win. He’s great.
JBL’s music hits and he comes out in his limo. It has cow horns on the front of it. Cow moos play through his theme music. JBL is the US champion and is not defending it tonight. He is also billed from New York, even though he has a super Texan accent. He calls for Rey to come out and shouts at the ref, as if it’s his fault. Finally, Rey’s music hits and the crowd pops so loud. Down he walks to the ring, weird croupier visor on, like he’s about to play a game of Hold ‘em in the ring.
Rey’s wife is in attendance and he goes to give her a wee kiss. Angie is a lovely woman and they are very much in love. Good man yourself, Rey. Maggle calls Rey “the greatest underdog in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment.” JBL is a little on the fat side here, which makes him all the more unlikeable, somehow.
World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rey Mysterio (c) def. John Bradshaw Layfield via pinfall in 15:56.
JBL pushes Rey to the floor and he springs up in a second. Very threatening. The crowd are chanting “619!” which is nice, but Rey is getting a lot of pushes from JBL. It looks like a child fighting a man, which is fine, but at no point do I think that fat JBL can be beaten by Rey. And Rey isn’t a tiny man, he’s pretty well-built and strong. JBL smacks on Rey’s back and, knowing JBL, they are as stiff as Val Venis. JBL is thrown into the ropes and Rey goes for the 619 but JBL moves away. Rey mounts the apron and hits JBL with a seated senton.
In the ring, Rey gets three fast two-counts in a matter of seconds. Rey will never be able to lift JBL us, so relies on strikes during his offensive segments. He gets JBL in the corner and baseball slides into JBL’s balls. He should be disqualified for that, or at least get booed for using heel moves, but he doesn’t. JBL gets Rey with a big boot and throws him into the steel ring steps, still clutching his JBLets. JBL throws Rey into the ring and the crowd chant for another 619, even though Rey is not in control at all. Very slow pace now. JBL makes some move for Rey’s wife. Bad show. Pin in the ring, but Rey kicks it.
JBL does an Eddie-style triple-suplex, dances like Eddie and is a general bastard. Rey is bust and JBL goes to Angie again, harassing her. Nice fallaway slam, though, JBL can do some decent moves when he’s facing someone who is, essentially, a child. JBL hits some nice old clotheslines and makes a kissy face towards Angie. Ref starts to count Rey out, who is super bust underneath his mask. As soon as he gets to his feet, JBL boots and pins him. Very close two-count.
Rey starts to get some offense in but is stopped by JBL’s eye poke. Maggle and Tazz wonder where the blood is coming from and how Rey got bust. Bradshaw gets Mysterio in a choke hold and my favourite spot comes up where the ref lifts and drops his hand three times. Before the third, Bradshaw goes for the pin and Rey kicks out to a thunderous pop. Rey is lifted up to the turnbuckle and fights back, only to hit a messy moonsault on JBL when he gets up. Once again, Mysterio is in control with a combination of kicks, lariats and strikes. He goes to jump on Bradshaw in the corner, but Bradshaw’s boot finds Rey’s nuts.
Rey takes control again, gets Bradshaw on the ropes and hits the 619. He goes for the springboard crossbody and hits the ref instead. JBL takes advantage, hitting Rey with a powerbomb, calling for a second ref and Rey kicks out. JBL goes mental, gets a chair and gets a boot from Rey for his trouble. 619 followed by Eddie-style frog splash and Rey gets the pin in 15:56.
Despite my hate for JBL, he puts on a good show here being a total bastard. He’s a real old-school heel and he is very good at it. It’s not that I dislike JBL because of his heel antics, I dislike him because his in-ring persona is so similar to his out-of-ring persona. Rey is exactly the same, however, where his character is like how Rey is in real life – lovely and cuddly.
That doesn’t make sense. Sure JBL’s twice the height and about three times the weight of Rey.
Chavo Jr. pops into the ring to celebrate with Rey as we see the highlights. Rey looks fucked, properly damaged from that bust head. He won’t be getting many kisses tonight, anyways.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: I know this is going to be controversial, but Benoit. He was a great man in that twenty-by-twenty squared circle.
Woman of the Matches: Sharmell, without a doubt. I know she didn’t actually wrestle, but she did a far better job than either Jillian or Melina.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Chris Benoit.
Best Spot: The Mark Henry faceplant onto the announcer’s table.
Hatches: Technically all of the wrasslers in the PPV are hatches as they appear for the first time on this blog, but none are legit hatches as they have wrestled in the Fed before now. Still, I will name them thusly: Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, Melina, Chris Benoit, Finlay, Jillian Hall, Gregory Helms, Super Crazy, Mark Henry, Kurt Angle, Booker T, Bobby Lasley, The Great Khali, The Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, JBL. The managers were Sharmell and Daivari with Crystal on interviews. Hitler Moustache Maggle Cole and Sunglasses Inside Tazz were announcers with Tony Chimel as ring announcer. Teddy Long was the General Manager.
Matches: Paul London and Brian Kendrick wins MNM’s WWE Tag Team Championship title and both Gregory Helms and Rey Mysterio retain. Booker T is the 2006 King of the Ring.
Closing Statements: Obviously not as good as the previous PPV, the Smackdown branded ones tended to be a bit weaker. Considering the depth of the roster, however, a lot of the matches were weak and felt like filler.
On the Card will return on June 11 with the ECW PPC One Night Stand 2006.