Ruthless Aggression Era #2. Judgment Day 2006 (May 21, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Judgment Day 2006 had a great Booker T and Bobbly Lashley match. Everything is looking great.

Then Khali appears. Fuck everything about this.

The promo package bigs up the Undertaker a lot, as if he needs it. The man is a legend. Then comes Khali, a man who is quite tall, has a great big chest but only slaps Taker. We see Khali absolutely murdering everyone around him including Rey Mysterio, a very short man. Khali roars for a bit, making himself looks bestial in a… special way. He is not threatening in as much as you feel sorry for him.

His Titantron video is awful. It’s Khali’s face with flame in his eyes. Khali looks a bit like Roman Reigns, only with a bit of talent. The camera is all low-slung to make Khali look huge, not that he needs it. Big pause waiting for our man Taker. Then the bells toll, the lights go out and the crowd pops. Smoke everywhere as the Undertaker takes his stroll to the ring, avoiding the pyro this time. Maggle asks if the Undertaker’s spirit has been broken. Of course not. The man deals with death all the time. And you always need an undertaker. It’s good work. Even if the wrestling slows down, he can still bury people.

He enters the ring after about an hour or so. Him and Khali give each other a big, long look, stand toe to toe to show how much taller Khali is. The bell rings, finally.

The Great Khali w/Daivari def. The Undertaker via pinfall in 08:31.

I am tempted to write “it was shite” and be done with it, because even my memory, destroyed by age and video games, can remember this shitshow. There was a time when the Undertaker was a powerful force within the Fed, when he would fight the biggest and best. Mankind. Trips. Stone Cold. The Rock. Kane. All those men had mad skills, or at least had some in-ring ability when they faced the Phenom, but Khali… He looked the part, kind of, but was really nothing to write home about otherwise.

Taker dodges a punch and starts wailing on Khali. He gets thrown through the ropes like a damn ragdoll and takes his time going back into the ring. Khali winds up a shot with a pantomime spin of his fist. Undertaker once again dodges it and wails on Khali, only to be thrown through the ropes. The Undertaker gets back in, is stopped on the apron and gives Khali a stunner. He’s back in the ring, back in control and goes for an Old School, but Khali throws him off the top rope halfway across the ring. Khali is beating weakly on Taker, who is selling each punch like a chairshot. “Taker! Taker!” chant rises. Khali kicks and punches and clotheslines Taker. Khali walks outside and strolls about like a man who forgot his deodorant. Daivari is on the apron, distracting the ref, then jumps down to kick Taker for a while. Khali lumbers over to taker, keeping an eye on the ref, bodyslams Undertaker, makes a chopping signal with his hand, hits Undertaker, puts the foot on his chest and gets the two-count to minimal applause. Undertaker does his sit-up thing and beats on Khali some more.

Mean Mark is getting a decent amount of offense in and goes for another Old School, hitting it almost perfectly. Boxing jabs from Taker, but Khali barely moves. Undertaker dodges the clothesline, hits Khali with a jumping punch and Khali gets wrapped in the ropes. Daivari jumps in, distracts the ref and releases Khali. Taker goes for the clothesline, fails, and gets a boot from Khali for his effort. He sits up, gets another chop and a boot for the pin in 8:31.

2016 comments:

There was once a time when this was considered a good idea. There will never be a time when this would be considered a good match.

2006 comments:

Go away, Khali.

Grade: D.

Recap of the “best moments” of the match, which include a kick, a punch and a push through the ropes. Crap, crap, crap.

Promo for See No Evil, featuring Kane. We’ve all seen it, no point in recapping it.

The Phoenix Suns are also in the audience.

JBL vs. Rey Mysterio promo showing our man Rey defeating Angle and Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. Rey tells us that he’s loving every minute of his reign. Real babyface stuff. JBL heels it up, looking up at JBL, Mark Henry, Khali and Kane every attack being ineffective against the giants. JBL is a real cunt at the best of times, but now he’s being a supercunt. Of course you want Rey to win. He’s great.

JBL’s music hits and he comes out in his limo. It has cow horns on the front of it. Cow moos play through his theme music. JBL is the US champion and is not defending it tonight. He is also billed from New York, even though he has a super Texan accent. He calls for Rey to come out and shouts at the ref, as if it’s his fault. Finally, Rey’s music hits and the crowd pops so loud. Down he walks to the ring, weird croupier visor on, like he’s about to play a game of Hold ‘em in the ring.

Rey’s wife is in attendance and he goes to give her a wee kiss. Angie is a lovely woman and they are very much in love. Good man yourself, Rey. Maggle calls Rey “the greatest underdog in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment.” JBL is a little on the fat side here, which makes him all the more unlikeable, somehow.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rey Mysterio (c) def. John Bradshaw Layfield via pinfall in 15:56.

JBL pushes Rey to the floor and he springs up in a second. Very threatening. The crowd are chanting “619!” which is nice, but Rey is getting a lot of pushes from JBL. It looks like a child fighting a man, which is fine, but at no point do I think that fat JBL can be beaten by Rey. And Rey isn’t a tiny man, he’s pretty well-built and strong. JBL smacks on Rey’s back and, knowing JBL, they are as stiff as Val Venis. JBL is thrown into the ropes and Rey goes for the 619 but JBL moves away. Rey mounts the apron and hits JBL with a seated senton.

In the ring, Rey gets three fast two-counts in a matter of seconds. Rey will never be able to lift JBL us, so relies on strikes during his offensive segments. He gets JBL in the corner and baseball slides into JBL’s balls. He should be disqualified for that, or at least get booed for using heel moves, but he doesn’t. JBL gets Rey with a big boot and throws him into the steel ring steps, still clutching his JBLets. JBL throws Rey into the ring and the crowd chant for another 619, even though Rey is not in control at all. Very slow pace now. JBL makes some move for Rey’s wife. Bad show. Pin in the ring, but Rey kicks it.

JBL does an Eddie-style triple-suplex, dances like Eddie and is a general bastard. Rey is bust and JBL goes to Angie again, harassing her. Nice fallaway slam, though, JBL can do some decent moves when he’s facing someone who is, essentially, a child. JBL hits some nice old clotheslines and makes a kissy face towards Angie. Ref starts to count Rey out, who is super bust underneath his mask. As soon as he gets to his feet, JBL boots and pins him. Very close two-count.

Rey starts to get some offense in but is stopped by JBL’s eye poke. Maggle and Tazz wonder where the blood is coming from and how Rey got bust. Bradshaw gets Mysterio in a choke hold and my favourite spot comes up where the ref lifts and drops his hand three times. Before the third, Bradshaw goes for the pin and Rey kicks out to a thunderous pop. Rey is lifted up to the turnbuckle and fights back, only to hit a messy moonsault on JBL when he gets up. Once again, Mysterio is in control with a combination of kicks, lariats and strikes. He goes to jump on Bradshaw in the corner, but Bradshaw’s boot finds Rey’s nuts.

Rey takes control again, gets Bradshaw on the ropes and hits the 619. He goes for the springboard crossbody and hits the ref instead. JBL takes advantage, hitting Rey with a powerbomb, calling for a second ref and Rey kicks out. JBL goes mental, gets a chair and gets a boot from Rey for his trouble. 619 followed by Eddie-style frog splash and Rey gets the pin in 15:56.

2016 comments:

Despite my hate for JBL, he puts on a good show here being a total bastard. He’s a real old-school heel and he is very good at it. It’s not that I dislike JBL because of his heel antics, I dislike him because his in-ring persona is so similar to his out-of-ring persona. Rey is exactly the same, however, where his character is like how Rey is in real life – lovely and cuddly.

2006 comments:

That doesn’t make sense. Sure JBL’s twice the height and about three times the weight of Rey.

Grade: B.

Chavo Jr. pops into the ring to celebrate with Rey as we see the highlights. Rey looks fucked, properly damaged from that bust head. He won’t be getting many kisses tonight, anyways.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I know this is going to be controversial, but Benoit. He was a great man in that twenty-by-twenty squared circle.

Woman of the Matches: Sharmell, without a doubt. I know she didn’t actually wrestle, but she did a far better job than either Jillian or Melina.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Chris Benoit.

Best Spot: The Mark Henry faceplant onto the announcer’s table.

Hatches: Technically all of the wrasslers in the PPV are hatches as they appear for the first time on this blog, but none are legit hatches as they have wrestled in the Fed before now. Still, I will name them thusly: Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, Melina, Chris Benoit, Finlay, Jillian Hall, Gregory Helms, Super Crazy, Mark Henry, Kurt Angle, Booker T, Bobby Lasley, The Great Khali, The Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, JBL. The managers were Sharmell and Daivari with Crystal on interviews. Hitler Moustache Maggle Cole and Sunglasses Inside Tazz were announcers with Tony Chimel as ring announcer. Teddy Long was the General Manager.

Matches: Paul London and Brian Kendrick wins MNM’s WWE Tag Team Championship title and both Gregory Helms and Rey Mysterio retain. Booker T is the 2006 King of the Ring.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: Obviously not as good as the previous PPV, the Smackdown branded ones tended to be a bit weaker. Considering the depth of the roster, however, a lot of the matches were weak and felt like filler.

On the Card will return on June 11 with the ECW PPC One Night Stand 2006.

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Ruthless Aggression Era #2. Judgment Day 2006 (May 21, 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Judgment Day 2006 was heating up with a decent Benoit match and a regrettable Women’s Wrestling match. Can we start some momentum heading into our two main events?

Promo of the 1996 King of the Ring with Stone Cold cutting that amazing promo that elevated him to superstardom. Another reminder of the Lashley/T match later on in the night.

Gregory Helms’ music plays and down comes the artist formerly known as the Hurricane. He is the WWE Cruiserweight Champion and looks a million Dollars. Super Crazy comes down on his lawnmower. Wow. Not offensive to Latinos at all. Christ Almighty, WWE.

Luis Gonzalez is in the audience. Very exciting.

Tazz says, “look at the hair on Helms,” before Maggle goes, “Helms? You mean Crazy?” Tazz mutters something in response and the match begins.

Cruiserweight Championship match: Gregory Helms (c) def. Super Crazy via pinfall in 09:55.

Quick rollup at the start by Super Crazy followed by two more before Helms chucks him out of the ring. Crazy pulls himself back in and another rollup. Helms gets knocked over the top rope and goes for the suicide dive but the ref stops him. Crazy is not going to be deterred, however, and jumps over the ref! “ECW!” chant rises.

Super Crazy is so over here, even though he hasn’t done anything new or different that other competitors in other matches have done. Helms is pretty dazed and Super Crazy takes him to the corner for the ten-punch. He gets six. Helms hits Crazy with a great running neckbreaker followed by a standing neckbreaker followed by a reverse choke hold. Maggle and Tazz talk shite in the background. Crazy fights back and is knocked to the floor by Helms. Helms drags Crazy to the apron and smacks him a bunch. Another pin attempt.

Maggle says that Helms is glad he isn’t the Hurricane, which is nonsense because the Hurricane was brilliant. “Super Crazy!” chant rises and we have rest hold city from both men. This match is not exciting.  Lots of shots of the crowd chanting. No one cares. Helms has a side headlock on Super Crazy and minutes have gone past with very little action. Crazy is more focussed on the elastic in his pants. Finally, Crazy is up, jumping off the ropes and back to another choke hold. Helms goes to Bret’s rope, hits a double-foot nothing and Crazy is back up and fighting back.

Neither competitor can get much momentum until Crazy hits a spinning backbreaker, round of punches and standing moonsault to a two-count. He’s on the turnbuckle for a missile dropkick that gets a two-count. He goes up again, hits a moonsault but Helms rolls out of the way. He goes for the Shining Wizard, Crazy ducks it and another two-count. Maggle talks about how you can only get cruiserweights on Smackdown. Just as well if the matches are this shite.

Helms gets a rollup and the ref does a horrible job of the count, hitting his feet off Super Crazy’s feet. Some fightback and another jumping neckbreaker from Helms. Super Crazy slaps Helms, chucks him into the turnbuckle and goes for the hurricanarana. Helms counters it, goes for the pin and uses the ropes for leverage for the win in 09:55.

2016 comments:

Not great. I like Shane Helms. I like the Hurricane. I hate Gregory Helms. I’m not a huge fan of Super Crazy either. Seems like this match was just like the rest holds: time wasting.

2006 comments:

I miss the Hurricane.

Grade: C.

Helms celebrates and we cut backstage to where Melina is still on television! Who is caring about this woman other than Cameron? Melina and Nitro go to Teddy Long and complain. Teddy says he doesn’t care and Melina slaps him. Teddy fires her for it. He then fires Nitro. We don’t care.

Tazz and Maggle remind us of the King of the Ring 2000 tournament where it was Angle vs. Rikishi. Angle belly-to-belly suplexed Kish off the top rope to become King of the Ring. Very exciting. We see Anthony Robles, a one-legged boy who can wrestle. Good show.

Mark Henry’s ass-kicking music hits and the World’s Wettest Man comes out. We see him frog splash Angle through a couple of tables. Henry goes straight to the announcer’s table to get it ready for a whuppin’. He gets the mic and makes a proclamation that Kurt Angle is a damn fool who doesn’t realise that Mark Henry hurts lads, including Batista. He then pauses before calling the audience “people”, the implication being that they are not people.

Angle’s music hits and the crowd pops. Kurt Angle is great. His music is fantastic. Angle has those mental black gum shields on and runs into the ring to attack Henry.

Mark Henry def. Kurt Angle via countout in 09:11.

Mark Henry is not a great wrestler. Kurt Angle is both one of the best legit and professional wrestlers of all time. This match will balance out at being okay. Kurt has cracked ribs and Henry wastes no time in going for them. Angle does a stupid senton from Bret’s rope, landing on his head. C’mon, Kurt. You have neck problems, bro.

Angle flips over Henry and Henry decides to sit on Angle. Maggle tells us that the two men were in the Olympics together and Angle won gold where Henry won nothing. Angle goes to German suplex Henry onto the announcer’s table but Henry fights back. Submission city back in the ring as Angle beats on Mark’s leg. Henry knocks Angle down and has a wee stroll about the ring, walking off his sore knee.

Angle is on the floor and Henry hits him with a double axe handle smash to the back of his neck followed by a boot to the ribs. He then stands on Kurt’s chest because he’s an awful bastard. Tazz tells us that if your ribs are sore, your body hurts. Thanks for coming, Tazz. Little Naitch is having a go at Henry and we have camel clutch city. Mark Henry, of course, has never fucked a man nor made him humble, so it’s only a matter of time before Kurt is on his feet, fighting back. Henry lifts Angle for the World’s Strongest Slam that Angle counters into a DDT.

The two men trade blows in the middle of the ring and Angle ducks a punch to deliver a German suplex to Henry. Angle removes his singlet straps and hits Henry with an Olympic Slam. Two count. A two count for an Olympic Slam. What the fuck, boys? Henry gets him with a clothesline and gets a two-count of his own. Henry goes for the World’s Strongest Slam and Angle gets the ankle for the Ankle Lock. Henry kicks Angle out and throws him onto the announcer’s table. He goes to frog splash Angle and Kurt rolls out of the way. Little Naitch is counting Angle out and reaches ten. Mark Henry wins by countout in 09:11.

2016 comments:

Angle is so good that he makes Mark Henry look good! Waste of a match. Bad feud.

2006 comments:

I’ll have another cup of tea, I guess.

Grade: D.

It’s a sad state of affairs when Kurt Angle gets anything less than an A rating from me. Henry stares Angle down for a moment and goes to get some heat by laying Angle on the table and beating on him. Angle fights back and goes for the steel chair. One shot to the knee, four to the body and Angle hits the Ankle Lock on Henry, who taps instantly, but Angle does not let go. There are six men dragging Angle from Henry. The crowd are baying for tables and Angle breaks free to Olympic Slam Henry onto the announcer’s table, but it does not break. Angle then cracks Henry with a brutal chair shot to the head. The World’s Strongest Man falls forward, finally bursting the announcer’s table to pieces. Bad show on Angle’s part. Head shots are bad stuff, Angle.

Booker T and his mad wife Sharmell are backstage. Sharmell says that Booker T will be a better King (of the Ring) than King Arthur, King Tut, King James, Don King, Martin Luther King and King Kong. It’s an odd promo and seems a bit orgasmic. Promo showing some older King of the Ring winners and the eight lads who went in for it: Kurt Angle, Randy Orton, Matt Hardy, Booker T, Fit Finlay, Chris Benoit, Mark Henry and Bobby Lashley. Angle had to forfeit after his frog splash from Mark Henry. Some Killswitch Engage plays to show Lashley antagonising Booker T.

This is the first KotR tournament since 2002, so these two men have a lot to fight for. Booker T comes out, seemingly hypnotised by the robe, sceptre, crown and throne. Sharmell is doing her queen wave. She’s a great woman. And she’s from Gary, Indiana, which I did not realise was a real place until just there now. Apparently the Jackson 5 were born there. Tazz is not choosing sides here, saying that King Booker sounds as good as King Lashley.

Straight-up shoot fact: Sharmell was Miss Black America in 1991, which, although wonderful, suffers from the double-whammy of being a beauty pageant and being for specifically black women, as if they are not American enough to be in the normal Miss America pageant. Not that either of them should exist because fuck Donald Trump.

Lashley comes down to his generic music. He looks the business. He’s like Ahmed Johnson, only you can understand what he’s saying. Lashley jumps into the ring and gets big pops from the crowd. Fair play to him. Sharmell isn’t happy about this. Bobby and Booker are face-to-face and Bobby tosses Booker across the ring when the match starts.

King of the Ring 2006 final: Booker T w/Sharmell def. Bobby Lashley via pinfall in 09:15.

Both Lashley and T are huge, by the way. Lashley is more defined than T, but they’re both massive lads and very intimidating in the ring. Lashley uses brute force to get T into the corner and holds him there for some time. T returns the favour and Lashely fights back with an explosive suplex and a two-count followed by another two-count followed by Lashley working Booker’s arm.

T is up and gets Lashley ready for a German suplex but Bobby counters and half-German’s T on his face. Lashley and T fight for a while until Bobby actually lifts Booker into the air and places him on the turnbuckle. T dodges the spear and Bobby falls outside, where he gets a smack by the steel ring steps. Booker stomps a mudhole in him and walks it dry. T works Bobby’s arm for a while off the ropes and goes for the pin but gets only a two-count. Some smart fucker in the front row is wearing a championship belt that is shining right into the hard cam. Cut to Tazz and Maggle sans table.

T gets a great spinny clothesline from Bobby Lashley and the two men are down. When they come up, Bobby is back in control. He is fast as fuck when he needs to be. He hits T with an inverted atomic drop and Sharmell is on the apron, dristracting the ref enough for Booker to hit Lashley with his heel. He goes for the Book End, misses it and as Lashley goes to the ropes, Sharmell grabs him. Booker T hits him with the superkick, followed by the Book End. Bobby catches a lariat, turns it into a running powerslam and gets only two counts.

This match has a good amount of near falls. Good stuff. Bobby gets Booker with the spear and Sharmell is in the ring, distracting the ref. In comes Finlay, cracking Bobby with the shillelagh and gives Booker enough time to get the pin in 09:15.

2016 comments:

Great match, screwy ending, no one goes over.

2006 comments:

I have never been more embarrassed to be Irish. Fuck you, Fit Finlay.

Grade: B.

Sharmell is celebrating and the crowd is booing and with good reason. Booker deserved to win, but he deserved to win clean. Sharmell crowns her king and Lashley spears him through the throne. Sharmell still places the crown on Booker, as if it has healing powers. Great stuff, actually. When Booker gets up, he groans, “My robe… my robe, baby,” and has it wrapped around him like a child. I love this stuff.

On the Card will return on June 4th with the third and final part of Judgment Day 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #2. Judgment Day 2006 (May 21, 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on May 21, 2006, the PPV Judgement Day aired. It was a Smackdown event and the calibre of matches and their content are drastically different to what we have now. Personally, it came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs and I remember this one well. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Judgement Day 2006

This PPV had no tagline, which is a nice way for the Fed to say that they didn’t give a rat’s ass about the damn show, which makes sense as Smackdown was (and still is) considered to be the B-Show with Raw being the A-Show. Not that the show is entirely populated by untalented wrestlers. If you look at the card, we have Benoit, Angle, Undertaker and Rey Mysterio… but we also have Cunt Bradshaw, Mark Henry and The Great Khali. The Lord giveth and he taketh away, especially now that Vince McMahon has defeated him in a tag contest (though God forfeited by leaving the arena).

The PPC starts with the Ruthless Aggression opener showing wrasslin’ through the ages. It moves into some wicked bible quotes. Can’t help but love a show that starts with bible quotes. You know they’re mean the business when Leviticus and the lads are involved. Who is it they’re pulling on today? Is it Matthew? Luke? I like a bit of Psalms now and again.

No, it’s Job 19:29. Wouldn’t be my choice, personally, but I can see how people would like it. Let’s give it a read… “…FEAR the sword; for wrath will bring PUNISHMENT by the sword, and then you will know that there is JUDGEMENT.”

Nice stuff. Personally, I think they just chose any old quote with the word “Judgment” in it, but then again, I spell it “Judgement” so I’m not really one to pick holes at things.

Fade to black and we see all the lads look dead serious and stare middle distance. The narrator asks if we are able to fulfil promises, dreams etc. It’s bigging up the Khali vs. Taker match, Angle vs. Henry, Lashley vs. T. Bradshaw was just a deplorable arse when he was heeling it up. He’s never really lived that down or grown out of it. It took Jerry Lawler years to stop being a dick on commentary and I suppose Bradshaw will get there eventually. But until then, fuck him.

CGI intro of lots of blades and chains and guillotines and so on. Looks like an awesome into to some medieval Doom clone. Some brilliant music from our boys Killswitch Engage. Michael Cole and Taaaaazz at ringside. Tazz wearing sunglasses indoors and Michael Cole with a depressing moustache. Cut to the Spanish announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Savinovich always looks like he has memorised a bunch of Spanish words and is just waiting for Cabrera to stop talking so he can spout them off. This month, it is “brutaaaal!”

Papparazzi come out and the red carpet is laid out for Cameron’s favourite wrestler, Melina. She is followed by Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, MNM. The lads are wearing fur coats with LEDs on them stating their names. Better than his and hers bathrobes, I suppose. They are also the Tag Team champions, although they’re giving those belts to anyone these days. Tazz pervs over Melina’s entrance to the ring. Is it necessary to have one lecherous announcer? Is that written into the very fabric of announcing? There’s an awful lot of choreography from Melina. She can’t just choose one pose, she pulls about sixty.

Paul London and Brian Bendrick’s music hits and the two masked loons sprint down to the ring right and hit stereo backflips. Very impressive. Music is shite, though. London and Kendrick are wearing PVC pants too big for them. Doesn’t Nitro look like British Bulldog? He does.

Tag Team Championship Match: Paul London and Brian Kendrick def. MNM (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro) (c) w/ Melina via pinfall in 13:43

Maggle Cole says 15,000 people in attendance. Bulldog Nitro screaming at London whilst nothing happens in the ring. Great running the ropes followed by Nitro tripping onto his face like a goon. London and Kendrick doing the revolving door of tag teams followed by a close two-count. Bulldog Mercury is in and gets a great hip toss onto his arse for another close two-count.

London is in and the two men in red parachute pants hit a beautiful hip toss followed by a crap elbow. Nitro and Mercury run to the outside and London and Kendrick hit a grrrreat suicide dive to the outside. Kendrick can’t remember which of the two men is legal and after a wee chat to them both, throws Bulldog Mercury in. Missed crossbody and Nitro is in control. Mercury is tagged in and Melina is screaming like a harpy. Big boos from the crowd, and for good reason. The referee is distracted and Melina gets London in head scissors on the apron. Ohhh! What a bitch!

London and Mercury run the ropes and bop heads. Nitro and Kendrick tag in and Kendrick runs roughshod over everyone with a bunch of missile dropkcicks, only to be knocked down with a Snapshot (elevated DDT). Melina has another ear-piercing screech and it’s only a two count as London breaks it up. A bunch of close counts as Kendrick is being held down by Nitro. Lots of rest holds too, with the match entering its seventh minute and both teams gassed. Kendrick gets a roll-up but Mercury is gabbing with the ref. Double leg drop and MNM are back in control.

Kendrick gets a delayed vertical suplex from Mercury, one that hurts his shoulder. With the dreads and the pink skin, the suplex just makes Mercury into a mini Bulldog each and every second. Melina lays some boots into Kendrick after some close counts, but the ref doesn’t see it. Nitro is tagged in and lays into Kendrick some more. This poor guy has taken a beating and the crowd are ready for some hot tag action. Mercury is back in, despite is sore shoulder and Melina talks away to herself. Lots of shots of the crowd reacting as well, it’s all very nice. Kendrick fights back and the crowd is with him. Mercury gets an accidental boot from his own partner and London is tagged in.

Standard hot tag fare here – London hits a bunch of punches, shoulder barges, irish whips etc, building momentum. He’s quickly double teamed but reverses it into a double clothesline and gets a close two-count. Nitro grabs him from behind and London hits a great dropsault – missile dropkick into a moonsault. He’s about to get the pin and then Melina jumps into the ring with her harpy scream. Why she isn’t sent out is beyond me. Kendrick is in and does a great suicide dive outside but Melina pushes Nitro out of the way. Nitro grabs London from the apron and – you can see this coming a mile off – Mercury goes to punch London but he ducks and bops his partner instead. Roll up and London and Kendrick get the pin in 13:43.

2016 comments:

It was an okay match as far as tag matches go. Some good tense moments here and there, but it was too formulaic. London and Kendrick came across as the underdogs and so you knew that the hot tag was coming and how good it was going to be. They didn’t win because they were the best, they won because they made the tag team champions hit each other by mistake.

2006 comments:

Fuck off, Melina.

Grade: C

MNM look so upset in the ring as London and Kendrick escape like cowards. Good job of selling the face win there, Fed. Big boos as the heels are left in the ring. Melina is upset as Maggle says that he is enjoying it. Melina beats on Mercury and he hits back. She slaps him and he grabs her wrist. Nitro beats on Mercury and now we don’t know who is face and heel as Melina kicks her defender in the face! Then the ref gets a boot between the legs. What the fuck is happening here? Should we like Nitro because he fought back against Heel Melina? Or should we like Melina and Nitro because they beat up Woman-Beating Mercury? The crowd are chanting, “Teddy! Teddy!” as Theodore Long, Esq. makes his way to the ring, only to be pushed on his arse.

Bit of a promo for the Lashley vs. T match later on this evening. Maggle says that the King of the Ring match (the very one that Bobby and Booker are in later) has catapulted superstars to elite status, which is not really a true fact. The winners of the KotR include Randy Savage, Bret Hart and Stone Cold, but also include Mabel (Big Daddy V) and Bad News Barrett, who the Fed love so much that they just fired, just over a year after he was crowned King of the Ring. We see Bret Hart beat Bam Bam Bigelow. Then we see the King of the Ring throne, sceptre, robe etc.

Music hits and The Rabid Wolverine, Chris Benoit (who?) arrives down the Tron, covered in REDACTED and CENSORED signs. Not really, but that’s what the Fed wants from the murder-suicider. Which is fair enough, considering what he done, but (and this might come as a bit of a peculiar thing to say) Benoit was a fucking good wrestler. He had problems, yes, and it’s a shame that they only came to light after the deaths of his family, but let’s not take away that the man was brilliant at the job that finally killed him.

He’s billed from Atlanta, Georgia, despite the fact that he is clearly Canadian. Wolverine was Canadian. Finlay’s music hits and my neighbour Fit Finlay comes down with his shillelagh. Benoit is roidy Magoo here, but he had turned 39 the day before, so he’s allowed a bit of human growth hormone with his cake, surely.

Chris Benoit def. Finlay via submission in 21:10.

Benoit’s big barrel chest looks so unnatural. Little Naitch Charles Robinson is the referee today and he’s watching these two men walk each other about the ring. Maggle is telling Tazz about how good a wrassler Benoit is as the two men go to the outside, walking each other about for a while. Benoit can’t seem to be able to close his mouth. The two men stand nose to nose and butt heads for a while before Benoit goes for the legs. This match is set to be a great mat-based match, which is not exciting to watch, really, but can build the suspense so much.

Benoit is in control and has Finlay on the ground. Benoit is a great face here, like Stone Cold, one that is so near to being a thug. Finlay pretends that Benoit thumbed his eye and uses the distraction to get the jump on Benoit. Final is in control now, getting a short-lived “Finlay sucks!” chant. Both Finlay and Benoit have gaps in their teeth, which makes sense as they’re both rough bastards. Finlay is shouting at Benoit and finally the Wolverine takes over, battering the shite out of my neighbour. Great backbreaker and a two-count. This is real wrestling, not the type of wrestling I got into back in the day, but one that I like now. Big rest hold, though, super long. Shame on Benoit.

The thing is, these two men really excel in using their strength and expertise to win the match. Finlay takes a shot to Benoit’s eye and a couple of pins for the two-count. Finlay gets Benoit in some sort of odd arm-stretch/head/neck/twist-combo. Some lad in the crowd goes absolutely mental. Finlay turns it into some legal-choke move where he uses Benoit’s own arm to choke him with it. Benoit fights out of it, goes for the elbow drop and misses. Finlay is back in control. Benoit’s trunks say 4 REAL, which is X-TREME. He goes for the flying headbutt and misses. The two men lie about for a while.

Benoit goes for the sharpshooter and Finlay escapes, jumping to the outside to get a chair. Benoit does a mental baseball slide, cracking Finlay in his nuts. He hits the flying headbutt and only gets a two-count. Finlay fights back and Irish whips Benoit into the turnbuckle, followed by an odd neck-hold into a pin that gets a two. Finlay roars, “Count faster!” to the ref. Lots of neck hits and Benoit’s lip is bust a bit, but no blood. Finlay sits on Benoit and apparently it’s a good move. The match has become slow-paced strikes instead of mat-based now and the crowd are chanting away. Maggle tells us that the fans are “jacked up tonight!” Just like Benoit, then.

Lots of shots of the crowd having a good time. I’ve never seen so many reaction shots of the crowd. Obviously the editor wants to show people having a good time. Either that or someone is farting around on the hard cam. Finlay is still in control and annoying Benoit by kicking his head. This is going to backfire!

And it does as Benoit slaps my neighbour but Finlay fights back and pretty soon Benoit is down. The tension has been lost in the match. Finlay gets a “Finlay sucks!” chant and another close two-count. The crowd is bored now. Benoit has lost his teeth. He is probably going to have a big comeback, a lucky break and that will lead to the win. Like clockwork, Benoit gets Finlay into two German suplexes followed by an enziguri that knocks Finlay outside. He goes for the shillelagh and it is knocked away by Benoit and turned into another German suplex to the floor. Little Naitch begins to count.

Finlay is on the apron and Benoit suplexes him in, followed by two more. Maggle reminds us that this is something Eddie did. Benoit goes to the turnbuckle but Finlay is up and fighting back. Benoit is outside and Finlay barrels him into the barricade. They go back into the ring and, with little tension, Benoit gets Finlay in the crossface for the tapout in 21:10.

2016 comments:

The start of this match was probably the most tense I have felt watching a wrestling match in years. So good. It devolves into something less impressive later and the end-up is that the match as a whole is underwhelming. We didn’t get the Frog Splash that Benoit was hinting to. As soon as Benoit went for the crossface, he got it and Finlay tapped out in less than a second. If the end of the match had the same tension as the beginning, it would have been amazing. As such, it was okay.

2006 comments:

I love Benoit. I hope he wrestles forever.

Grade: B

The crowd go bananas as Benoit celebrates. This was a feud match, so his win means nothing in the long run. Tazz tells us that, “you can bet your bottom dollar that Benoit respects Finlay after that,” which is nonsense because Finlay did nothing but cheat the entire match. Why would anyone respect that? Benoit, all hopped up on muscles and butt injections, looks like a monster in the ring.

Cut to a reminder of WrestleMania 22 and the great matches. You can buy a DVD of it, if you want. It blanks out Vince’s middle finger, but not the blood.

Jillian Hall ties her boots and we see the beginning of the feud as Melina and her fight over the makeup table. Chriiiiist.

Jillian comes out to a big pop. Her shoulders are back and she looks thrilled to be here. Cut to Superstar Billy Graham in the audience, who looks like he might have haemorrhoids. Melina comes out with Nitro, who instantly goes to Jillian and shouts at her. The ref spends no time in removing him, which is something he should have done back in the first match!

Jillian Hall def. Melina via pinfall in 04:18.

This is a match that should not happen. Neither of these women are talented enough to have any sort of match at all (even if one of them is half of Cameron’s favourite match ever). The entire point of women’s wrestling is to show women wrestling. It is not for titillation any more as we have the internet. It is not to fulfil some feral love for catfighting as we have had the Jerry Springer show for months. Neither of these women are good wrestlers. They should not be given the airtime.

The match is just lots of rest holds and complaining. The crowd wolf whistles. Botched Irish whip and Melina screams. Melina hits the double-knees to Jillian (something that Sasha banks does now) and hits a Bret’s-rope-double-axe-handle-nothing. Face to the turnbuckle. Crap roll-up. Jillian wins.

2016 comments:

I’ve said enough.

2006 comments:

I’ll get myself a cup of tea then, I guess.

Grade: F.

This sham of a match is made even worse by the fact that the pin is contested by Melina because she grabbed the rope. And the feud between two crap women continues. Crystal is there on the ramp, ready to ask Melina a question. She takes almost exactly one minute to ask her this question: “It hasn’t been a good night for you, has it?” This is, apparently, a question that is on “each and everyone’s mind here tonight.” Melina replies with, “you bitch!” and the two fight. I’ll go get myself another cup of tea then, I guess.

When I come back from my cup of tea, Cunt JBL is there, being a cunt as usual. JBL bigs up Rey, saying that he defeated Khali, Kane and Mark Henry, which is something that no one should be proud of, even someone two feet tall like Rey. JBL shouts off camera at someone and it’s Chavo Guerrero Jr! JBL drops Eddie’s name (Eddie died about six months earlier and his name was still being used to generate heat). Chavo’s lines are hidden behind the deafening roars of the audience.

On the Card will return on May 28th with the second part of Judgment Day 2006.