Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.

Advertisements

Ruthless Aggression #9. Cyber Sunday (Nov 5, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Women’s wrestling has changed since Trish left… two months ago.

Backstage, the Spirit Squad are getting ready for the next match. Kenny and Johnny have a push-off and Kenny claims he can fight Ric Flair by himself. Kenny explains that he roughed up Mikey to get his blood up, his killer instinct. Nicky “Dolph Ziggler” Nemeth says little during this exchange and so it is of little import.

Back in the arena, old man Flair comes out, waddling to the ring, wooing and ready to blade himself silly at the faintest gasp of offence from his enemy.

Maria and Todd have a little back-and-forth where she says woo a lot. Backstage, we see Ric’s possible partners for tonight – Sgt. Slaughter, Rowdy Roddy Piper and The American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Piper looks fucked and Dusty’s forehead is a mess of scar tissue. Jerry asks how many times JR voted. He replies, “early and often.” The results come in, 19% for Slaughter, 46% for Piper and 35% for Dusty. 14.576 million votes cast, by Christ. Hot Rod actually smiles and walks to the ring. He appears, apparently from Glasgow as well. JR says, “Looks like he’s been up all night thinking about this opportunity!”

Spirit Squad come out, the tag team champions. They have a bloody air horn. Fuckers. Piper looks awful.

WAIT WHAT THAT’S DUSTY’S MUSIC. Out come Dusty and Slaughter, making their way to the ring to balance the scales somewhat considering that the rest of the Spirit Squad are here as well. JR says, “The Spirit Squad still have a one-man advantage… if you’re doing the math at home.”

Tag Team Championship match: Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper (w/ Dusty Rhodes and Sgt. Slaughter) def. Kenny and Mikey (w/ Johnny, Nicky and Mitch) (c) via pin in 6:55.

Flair and Kenny start off, which Flair being pretty sprightly for a million-year-old man. He’s wooing away as well, running snapmares, taking clotheslines and rolling over to tag in Roddy. Mikey argues with him and Roddy just fucking goes bananas. He clears house and starts biting faces. He’s out of shape and looking rough but my God, the crowd are going bananas. Kenny finally takes over and the pair double team Roddy. It seems like they are bullying him, shouting as they hit him. Roddy goes for the backslide and is rewarded with a double-axe-handle smash (the most devastating move in all of wrestling. It might have even been given from Bret’s rope!).

Sleeper hold city in the middle of the ring and the ref lifts Roddy’s arm but he holds tight, trying to “walk” Kenny’s legs towards Flair for a tag. He is pulled back and drawn into an armbar, which he escapes from and promptly eye-pokes Mikey. The Spirit Squad get up for a huge Electric-Chair-Style splash. Roddy rolls and Ric comes in and the legends just double team the Spirit Squad for ages. Finally, Flair locks in the figure-four and Kenny saves his friend with a leg drop, which JR calls “a Skywalker-like elevation from Kenny”, which makes no sense as Luke never did huge elbows on Jabba or Vader. Flair hits the second figure-four and Mikey taps so that Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper win the Tag Team Championships in 6:55.

2016 comments:

An okay match from the legends but it was really held together by the Spirit Squad. JR and King had a line at the beginning, which was JR: “Roddy is not in a long-match kind of shape.” Jerry: “No. No he is not.”

2006 comments:

Old men beat male cheerleaders! What is the subtle innuendo here?

Grade: C.

Always nice to see a wee schmoz for the audience. The Spirit Squad slide in to punish Flair for losing them the championship and Dusty and Slaughter waddle in to beat them off. Jesus, there’s nine men in the ring, just being each other off. If only Pat Paterson could come in, he’d show – you get the rest of the joke. Dusty hits two Bionic Elbows and almost cracks Piper with one.

For some reason, Dusty’s music hits and he starts dancing, doing some butter-churning job.

Cut to backstage and King Booker and Queen Sharmell walk in to speak to our man Jooooooohn Cena. Booker tells Cena that they both have a giant problem – Big Show. Booker calls ECW a “cesspool of an organisation” and would prefer that Show doesn’t win any of the titles. Booker suggests that Cena and Booker team up. He is about to go on a rant but Cena interjects, agreeing immediately. Booker calls him as smart as Solomon and wise as Socrates. He is about to leave when Cena calls him back, suggesting that he spends a night with Queen Sharmell in place of his loyalty for one night.

Sharmell goes bananas and leaves the locker room. Booker and Cena argue it out… for about a second before Booker agrees. Cena reveals it was all a ploy to see if Booker was stupid enough to go for it. He goes outside, apologises to Sharmell and then throws Booker in it by saying, “So it’s Sharmell, a case of Jaegar, Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s two-by-four, Finlay’s midget and I get to watch?” Sharmell goes apeshit. Ron Simmons walks on, pauses for a moment and says, “Damn.”

Cut to the Cincinnati Bengals. They are a team. I have never heard of them.

There’s a promo that asks us what a champion is. Cena fights for pride. Booker fights for his Queen. Nobody can beat Show. We see Show winning his ECW championship alongside some champion quotes. We see King Booker with his great gimmick and Cena with his pride. Vince sets the match up and reminds us that he could have voted. Promo of the three champs kicking ass. A lot of people say, “Champion of Champions.”

Back in the ring, King Booker’s music hits and down comes the man himself, posing with his wife. Don’t know why she’s still with him. Brother just pimped her out. JR reminds us that there have been times when champions had fought each other… but never a triple threat match! This is amazing!

Big Show’s music hits and down he comes, holding the belt like an afterthought. He half-heartedly shows his belt to the audience.

Cena’s music hits! I love Cena! What a guy! He goes all along the houses, waving at the kids, saluting, being a fan favourite, throwing the hat out to the audience followed by the t-shirt. Three refs hold the belts.

Cut to Maria and Todd for their final badly-scripted back-and-forth of the night. Maria can feel anticipation. There are so many possibilities here. A champion could be going home with two titles or none. Or one, Maria. That’s three possibilities, I suppose.

The results appear and Jerry tells us he has “chillbumps” which is a cross between Goosebumps and chills, I suppose. The drumroll takes forever and I mean forever. Finally, the results come in… John Cena… 12% of the vote. Big Show… 21% of the vote… but with 67% of the 14,661,653 votes… WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, KING BOOKER.

Booker is looking characteristically terrified.

Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight Championship: King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) def. John Cena and Big Show via pin in 21:05

The champs are in the corner, every man for himself, no count-outs, no DQs, only pins or submissions count. Cena and Show can’t lose their championships and can win without ever pinning or submitting Booker. Booker appeals to Cena, who fights back and leaves Show and Cena to fight it out as Booker watches. JR tells us Cena is a big man, a stud, but is dwarfed by Show, which we can see. Crowd are having a “Let’s go, Cena/Cena sucks!” chant which forgets that there are two other men in the ring.

Booker is watching from the corner, just like Cena will with Sharmell and his case of Jaegar. Jerry reminds us that all of Big Show’s aggression is directed as Cena. Sharmell and Booker cower outside and eventually the King makes his move, scissor kicking Show as he leans over the ropes to pick up Cena from the apron. Booker beats on Show and it does little as Show fights back against him. Headbutt sends Booker to the floor. Show runs, knocks Cena off the apron and into the announcer’s table. JR tells us that unless Show makes a “huge and monumental mistake here,” he is destined to win. He goes for the pin on Booker but Cena breaks it up.

We have Booker and Cena fighting Show for a while, trading punches and a stereo clothesline over the top rope. Booker takes over in the middle of the ring, chopping Cena mercilessly. Cena hits a lovely fisherman’s suplex and the pin is broken by Show, throwing him outside. Show takes the steel steps. JR tells us that although he cannot be DQ’d, it is unnecessary. Cena dropkicks Show’s leg and Show falls forward, cracking his head off the steps. And there is much rejoicing.

Mid-ring, Cena and Booker go at it, trading slaps. Booker hits the superkick but gets only a two-count. Booker hits the Bossman Slam and gets onto a two. Cena doesn’t give up, Booker. Come on, bro. Jerry reminds us that Cyber Sunday has been great. It’s been okay. The two men trade close-counts and Show is outside, having a wee lie down. Booker gets Cena in a chin lock. It lasts quite some time. Eventually, he fights back and hits the modified backdrop. JR suggests that the fatigue must be setting in. Cena goes to the top rope – always a bad idea – and hits a splash that Booker avoids. Booker goes for the scissor kick that Cena counters into an FU that is further counters into a DDT. Cena hits the Russian Leg Sweep and another close count. He goes for the STFU but Booker gets the ropes.

Booker hits the eye poke and Cena botches a clothesline. JR calls “The Marine” move an “action-adventure” which might not be true. The pace is so slow that Jerry starts thanking the fans while the match is still going. Show is back in the ring and lifts Cena into an electric chair-style attack as Booker dropkicks Big Show’s face, dropping all three men. Booker attempts to pin Show and is thrown over the ring. Cena and Booker attempt to double suplex Show but he double suplexes them. He throws both men into the corner, charges them, bounces off the ropes and double-clotheslines them both. After a chokeslam to Booker, he spears Cena. My God, this man. This huge, huge man.

Outside, Cena and shoe fight near the announcer’s table. Show gets ready to destroy the table with JR roaring, “We gotta work here!” Cena bounces Show’s head off the table and Cena fights back, bouncing Show’s head off the ringpost twice. Cena goes in the ring and hits some crescendo booking with shoulderbarges, bodyslam-to-Five-Knuckle-Shuffle. Show has the steel chair, but mid Five-Knuckle Shuffle, Cena boots the Show in the face through the chair. Sharmell comes in to hit Cena with the belt but Cena FU’s her. Cena hits the STFU and…

Wait.

What?

Who is…?

It’s fucking K-Fed. Kevin Federline, Britney Spears’ ex-husband, sometime rapper and complete bastard is in the ring and cracking John Felix Anthony Cena on the back of the head!

Straight-up Shoot Fact: This is part of a storyline on RAW where K-Fed wanted to promote his album, Playing with Fire and kept getting into physical altercations with Cena, another white rapper. This would go on until Cena finished the feud with two FUs. Despite the fact that K-Fed is generally portrayed as an arse in real life, he was apparently well-received backstage according to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. According to Mick Foley in an interview with Hobotrashcan.com, “…Federline, shockingly enough, was apparently a pretty good guy. Everybody liked him and was impressed by his attitude.” Big words from the nicest man in wrestling.

K-Fed runs off and Cena jogs after him, gives up, returns to Booker, who cracks him in the face with the belt going for the pin in 21:05.

2016 comments:

It was a Booker vs. Cena match feat. Sharmell, Show and K-Fed.

2006 comments:

Fucking hell, Sharmell can fair and take an FU, wha?

Grade: B

Booker is announced as “The Champion of Champions” as the announcers wonder about K-Fed. Booker carries his Queen out of the arena and K-Fed taunts Cena with the U Can’t C Me hand-wave. JR gives off about him, calling him, Mr. Britney Spears. Then the announcers give him a wee promo on his new album. We see a replay of the events of the match and K-Fed leaves, ending the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were amazing but I have to tell you that I’m giving it to Carlito because he is wonderful.

Woman of the Matches: There was a women’s match but we will speak of it no longer. Queen Sharmell, is the Woman of the Matches because she took a fucking FU.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Queen Sharmell!

Best Spot: Shawn Michaels’ triple superkick on Stan and the other two backstage helpers.

Hatches: Cryme Tyme, Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch with Eric Bischoff, Roddy Piper, Dusty Rhodes and Sgt. Slaughter (Within this particular generation).

Matches: Jeff Hardy retained his WWE Intercontinental Championship; Lita won the WWE Women’s Championship; Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper won the World Tag Team Championship; and King Booker retained his World Heavyweight Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: I enjoyed it. The gimmick was fun and although none of the matches had that huge storyline feel, they were a good laugh. This entire PPV felt like a house show and that is no bad thing.

On the Card will return on November 26 with the WWE PPV Survivor Series 2006.

 

Ruthless Aggression #7. Unforgiven (Sept 17, 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on Sept 17, 2006, the PPV Unforgiven aired. It was a Raw PPV, and the first Raw PPV since Vengeance back in June. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Unforgiven 2006

There was no tagline this time either, though it seems that taglines are a relic from the past. It is nice that WWE is moving forward rather than focussing on old, broken, useless things to achieve ratings, he said pointedly.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we see Vince’s big angry face as their reign of pranks continue: spray-painting a green DX on the side of an airplane and spray-painting a green DX on the side of a limo. This forces Vince to order the Big Show to join him and Shane in Hell in a Cell versus Hunter and Shawn at Vengeance. We see Edge being angry at John Cena and calling for a Tables, Ladders and Chairs match with the big man with the stipulation being that if Cena loses, he must go to Smackdown. There are five other matches on the card including Kane and Umaga, that match that was teased at the SummerSlam match between DX and the McMahons and Trish Stratus making her big PPV return against Lita (who was absent from the promo). And the thing is that the DX/McMahon match is mid-card. It’s not even co-main event!

Pyro hits we see the jam-packed Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario. 16,105 people in attendance, almost twice that of last year’s Unforgiven which had 8,000 in attendance and is about equal to last month’s SummerSlam, which had 16,168. 307,000 PPV buys, a huge boost from the 252,000 buys last year. Our announcers are Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler. Jerry mentions something about a home field advantage, which is funny because at first glance, unless someone is a secret Canuck (the greatest betrayal), the only Canadians on the card are Trish and Edge. JR introduces the Spanish announcers, the incomparable Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. As usual, they are cut off because Johnny Nitro and Melina are more important than the Hispanic population.

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Super Crazy and Shelton Benjamin. Upset that these two amazing players are off the main card. I will see if any of these matches are equivalent to even one minute of Super and Shelton.)

Generic music hits and down rocks the curtain twitcher Johnny Nitro with Melina. Melina does not seem to know who to manage these days, but if we get to see Johnny work then I’m okay with that. The red carpet is rolled out, the cameras are flashing and Gorilla Position is behind a huge big UNFORGIVEN sign so they have to awkwardly step around it. Johnny Nitro won the Intercontinental Championship at Vengeance in an absolutely fantastic match with Shelton Benjamin and Carlito. By Christ, it was great. JR is appalled by the “symbolism of the Intercontinental Belt dangling,” between the legs of Johnny as it gets kissed by Melina.

Hardy music hits and out comes mental Jeff, doing a weird dance and probably winged off his nut, as is Jeff’s wont these days. Brother loves his drugs. JR mentions Hardy’s unexplained absence where he was released from the Fed for: erratic behaviour, drug use, refusal to get help, looking shabby, lateness and no-showing events. He went to the indie circuit and then TNA before returning to the Fed… until he would fail drug tests and eventually leave for TNA in 2010, never to return to the Fed (so far). Jeff is squaring up to Johnny, one of his legit best friends. The crowd cheer for Hardy. It’s very nice.

WWE Intercontinental Championship match: Johnny Nitro (c) (w/ Melina) def. Jeff Hardy via pin in 17:36.

In the ring, Johnny and Jeff are locking up, pushing each other into the corner. A boo rises when Johnny tries to escape. Brilliant arm drag from Johnny. Both guys are great lads and big friends so this match is going to be great. Just as I say that, Johnny botches a backdrop reversal. JR calls Melina evil. Great arm drag from Jeff and Johnny pushes him into the corner. Irish whip to the other corner, Jeff jumps when he hits the turnbuckle. The smoke from the pyro has not cleared yet. Another arm drag takedown from Jeff. Jesus, man, arm drag city. Melina screams. Fuck off. Backslide from Jeff followed by double leg drop to Johnny’s navel and Johnny calls for a time out and shouts at the crowd.

Back in the ring, Johnny beats on Jeff in the corner and he tries to jump over Jeff, fails, gets a dropkick and a ten count for his trouble. Melina is holding her chest in pain as if she, herself, was hurt. Maybe Melina and Johnny have some sort of ET-style bond? Jeff goes up top and the crowd start to cheer. They know that a Swanton is coming… but so does Johnny and he rolls out. Jeff hits a baseball slide through the women’s rope and follows it up with a run across the barricades to a cross-body. He goes top rope and Nitro dropkicks Jeff’s legs! Brilliant. Then he gets Jeff into some sort of knee lock.

Johnny has one of Jeff’s leg and Hardy goes for the enziguri, misses and Johnny smashes his knee off the mat, goes for the pin and gets only a two. Johnny then beats on Jeff’s leg as Melina screams some more. An Irish whip fails because Jeff sells the leg so well and stumbles before hitting the rope. Good man, Jeff. Melina screams some more. Johnny jumps over the top rope, battering Jeff’s leg as he lands. Jeff is caught in some modified leglock, close to the ropes and doesn’t bother breaking it. Botched drop on Jeff’s knee and Nitro gets boos. The pace has really slowed down and the crowd tell Nitro that he sucks. JR agrees with them.

The pace is so very slow and the match is so very long that the audience can be forgiven for not getting into it. As Jeff fights back, the crowd rouses but Johnny knocks Jeff to the ground with a shoulder barge onto his knee. Johnny attempts a corkscrew moonsault and botches it, landing badly. However, to get the heat back, both men are up and uninjured. Quick pin and count of three. Both men are sandbagging their moves and Hardy hits a corkscrew moonsault of his own, landing it as best he can for a quick pin and two-count. This is what the crowd want: death defying risk-taking moves. Nitro goes for the top-rope hurricanrana, Jeff holds on and follows it up with a Swanton Bomb but doesn’t get the pin as Nitro’s foot is on the ropes.

Jeff goes for Twist of Fate but is countrered. Despite the fact that both men are friends, they are just screwing each other over with this match. Nitro works on Hardy’s knee and the crowd chant, “Let’s go Hardy! Let’s go Nitro!” Jeff gets to the rope, kicks Nitro away and he hits Melina on the apron by mistake. Nitro hits back, hitting the flying huricanrana that Jeff reverses into a powerbomb. Melina cracks Jeff in the face with her boot as the ref’s back is turned and Johnny Nitro gets the pin and win in 17:36.

2016 comments:

Unnecessarily long opening match for what it was. Neither of these men are great psychologists in ring and their style is fast, high-flying and high tension. It should have been near fall after near fall, almost a spotfest, but it was an attempt to make a main event match with a screwy ending. Very disappointed in both these men.

2006 comments:

The Hardys should never do singles matches and should never do matches that don’t involve ladders.

Grade: B-

Melina is selling her hurt leg as Nitro retains and Hardy loses. Replays of Nitro’s win and Hardy looks proper upset.

Cut to John Cena in The Marine with Robert Patrick and John Cena is blackface which is slightly racist. Not much to be said there.

Back in the ring, Teddy Long has his own seat in the skybox.

Bakcstage, Fat Matt Hardy congratulates Jeff for a good match. Lita turns up and rubs Jeff’s loss, her upcoming match against Trish and Edges upcoming match against Cena in both their faces.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a girlfriend in wrestling must be in want to make her a wife lest she plays around and vice versa. I refer you to Sunny who cheated on Chris Candito until his death, or Triple H cheating on Chyna with Stephanie. In the case of the Matt/Lita/Edge storyline, Lita was with Matt and cheating on him with Edge. The WWE responded by firing Matt as both Lita and Edge were popular. After going to ROH, Matt returned and turned the real-life drama into a storyline. Edge, reportedly, hated hurting Matt and didn’t enjoy the storyline. It’s hard to feel bad for him because of what he did but it takes two to tango… or three in this case.

Cut to the ring and we see the Hell in the Cell above the ring. Out comes Umaga, the talentless and slightly racist fuck along with Armando Alejandro Estrada. Umaga is undefeated. AAE has the mic and introduces himself and the crowd chant along with him. Umaga rabbles into Estrada’s face. Estrada makes fun of our man Kane by asking the crowd if they believe that he is a monster. He bigs up Umaga as being a monster. JR makes fun of him, saying, “That may have neem the world’s longest introduction.”

Kane’s pyro hits and the man himself walks down, weighing a few more pounds than he normally goes, but still looking great. I like Kane. He stares at Umaga and the bell rings.

Kane vs. Umaga ends in double count out in 7:03.

JR says that this might not be a “Brisco/Funk classic with arm drags and headlocks,” and it is a true statement. Kane and Umaga start off beating each other and Kane hits Umaga with a big boot, Umaga replies with a jumping heel kick, to which Kane sits up supernaturally like his brother. Kane is knocked out of the ring but is so tall he lands on his feet. He bullies Estrada for a while, stealing his jacket, and gets by a Russian leg sweep. Umaga is quite fast this match and is showing off his best. In the ring, Umaga beats on Kane for a while, getting him in the corner to batter on his face. Umaga then hits Kane with a running stinkface. Estrada is on the apron and calls for the Samoan Spike but Kane fights back, forced into the corner by Umaga, where he gets punched before finally getting Umaga in the corner and slapping the shit out of him.

Estrada has lost his hat.

Kane has difficulty knocking Kane down and gets a Samoan Drop for his trouble. Umaga threatens to hit the Samoan Spike off the top rope but Kane sits up in time, followed by a flying – yes, Kane goes to the top rope – clothesline. Kane grips Umaga’s throat, almost gets a chokeslam and the two scrap before Kane hits a belly-to-belly and throws Umaga out of the ring. The two fight into the crowd and the ref rings the bell to end the match by countout but until the match is officially ended, I’ll keep watching. The two men right over to the Titantron and smack each other backstage.

2016 comments:

A surprisingly good match from Umaga. He is still protected and you can see that either Kane would have won or Umaga would have had to get screwy, from the way the match was going. The countout was a crap way to end it. If the referee’s count had been important and the crowd would have counted along and maybe Kane and/or Umaga would have considered returning to the ring for the win but fought on because they hate each other, it would have been better, I like it for what it was, though.

2006 comments:

A good match… from Umaga? What next? A black president? Oh ho ho ho, what a silly concept.

Grade: B

Backstage, Vince is watching an episode of Raw where he pinned Triple H after whacking him over the head. He is very proud of himself. Vince asks Shane what the name of PPV is and he replies with “Unforgiven,” and Vince says, “It’s not WWE Forgiven, is it?” Vince slags off the entire country of Canada and then quotes his own theme song.

Cut to live in Toronto, outside the Air Canada Centre and a promo for the theme song for Unforgiven. Jerry says that they’re his favourite band and JR replies with, “I’m down with that, dog.” Classic JR. Vintage JR.

Cut to the Spirit Squad intro. They come out, jumping and hopping about to crazy sparklers. JR calls them, “Five boils on the tailbone of life,” which is harsh words since one of those boils is my boy Dolph Ziggler and I will have no mean words said about my boy D-Ziggles.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Confusingly, as well as there being a SmackDown Championship (World Heavyweight Championship) and a Raw Championship (WWE Championship), there were also tag belts for SmackDown (WWE Tag Team Championship) and Raw (World Tag Team Championship. Why they didn’t just keep Raw with the World belts and SmackDown with the WWE belts is beyond me. In addition to that (and bear in mind that the next bit is confusing as shit) there was the Undisputed WWE Championship (before it became the WWE Championship) and the WWE Women’s Championship. Raw got the Intercontinental and European Championship and SmackDown got the Cruiserweight Championship and the Hardcore Championship before getting the United States Championship later. Then ECW got the ECW World Heavyweight Championship. Later, SmackDown made the WWE Diva’s Championship… Then the tag belts were unified as the Unified WWE Tag Team Championship before being renamed the WWE Tag Team Championship and then the Women’s Championship became unified with the Divas Championship and then, finally, the World Heavyweight Championship was unified with the WWE Championship to become the WWE World Heavyweight Championship (before becoming the WWE Championship in June of this year). Then there were a few renames and the introduction of the WWE Universal Championship. You got that?

Great sign in the crowd saying “Sissy Squad”. JR explains that Freebird Rules states that although all five members of the Spirit Squad are technically holders of the Tag Team Championship, only two may defend it at any given time.

Stereotypical Scottish music plays and down come The Highlanders, Robbie and Rory McAllister. As an Irish person living in Scotland, I have a great love for Irish and Scottish wrestlers (and am a huge fan of ICW, although I do not get to see them as much as I would like). They are billed from Oban, Scotland (which is a nice area) and weigh thirty-five stone, apparently, which is silly as Scotland uses the Metric system, so the men should have been weighed as 221kg. But sure.

The Highlanders are sold as the dumb foreigners. They rub their beards and point to the crowd and mutter incoherent words. I’m surprised they don’t have a fear of fire and carry women about over their shoulders. Rowdy Roddy Piper personally endorsed them as well, so you know they’re good as he doesn’t like anyone… other than Pat Patterson (allegedly).

World Tag Team Championship Match: The Spirit Squad (Kenny and Mikey) (c) w/ Mitch, Johnny, and Nicky def The Highlanders (Robbie and Rory McAllister) via pinfall in 8:59.

How much are we betting that this will be a screwy ending? Because only two of the Spirit Squad are wrasslin’ and the rest are outside, with our boy Dolph “Nicky” Ziggler on the apron already to give some support to Mikey in the ring. I’m not going to lie to you, I can’t tell these boys apart. Rory and Mikey (possibly) start off with Rory hitting a quick sunset flip but barely getting the two. They grapple and circle the ring for a while with Rory taking over quickly. There is a “foreigner has a hard head” spot where Robbie leans over the ropes and Rory tosses Mikey into the corner, hitting their heads and receiving no pop. Pin attempt and a two.

Rory twists Mikey’s arm and Robbie is in to give a number of headbutts to Mikey’s elbow. Rory hits a double axe handle nothing off the top rope and Robbie hits a jumping headbutt to Mikey’s already injured elbow but the SS member escapes and tags in Kenny. Double-team shoulder barge by the Highlanders and we have a repeat followed up by a revolving door of attacks in the corner with two slingshot nut shots.

Both Highlanders go to double team Kenny and he tags out so they beat on Mikey instead. Robbie is pushed into the corner where Kenny comes in and Robbie attempts a suicide dive through the ropes, is thwarted and… what did I say? He is beset upon by the rest of the Spirit Squad. Alas, this attack does not claim the win and the Spirit Squad beat on Robbie mercilessly. Great alley-oop moonsault by the Spirit Squad and Robbie gets hit by a great clothesline from the SS. Seeing as the Spirit Squad are male cheerleaders, it is nice and refreshing to see them using lots of athletic double-team moves on their opponents and using each other to propel their bodies into their enemies. Robbie is hit by a great double-team shoulder barge and Robbie is saved by Rory.

Robbie is going for the hot tag but gets naught from the Spirit Squad as they stop him at each turn. Kenny goes for a leg drop from the top rope and both teams go for the hot tag. Rory runs roughshod over the Spirit Suqad, sending them outside and hitting Kenny (I think) with a double slingshot inverter suplex which looks lovely. The Spirit Squad cheat an unknown member from the outside hits Rory from behind to get the pin in a weak 8:59.

2016 comments:

I know that I am biased, but I like the Highlanders and I don’t think that this match was particularly the best demonstration of their abilities as a tag team. Despite the Spirit Squad’s pain-in-the-ass demeanour, I like them too and I think they are brilliant as heels. This match was fun, had good psychology and was only let down by the pathetic, rushed ending.

2006 comments:

Scots? In America? What next? Women with the vote?

Grade: B

The World Tag Team champions win and celebrate and the foreigners leave angry. Nicky is really hamming it up and good job by him. JR says, “No matter where you’re watching this match, the math is the same,” in reference to the Spirit Squad’s five vs. the Highlanders’ two. JR is angry that the tag team champs are five male cheerleaders.

JR introduces the next match, one that he claims we have bought this PPV to see, one he describes as, “The most dangerous match in the history of the WWE, that is no exaggeration.” We see the old matchup card where all members have about five seconds of animation before freezing.

On the Card will return on September 24th with the second part of Unforgiven 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #4: Vengeance (June 25, 2006) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: We have yet to reach the lofty heights of the triple threat. Mayhaps the double main-event can get there…

It’s time for your first main event of the night! Promo to get us excited about the Cena match coming up next. Funny that RVD and Cena fought then but they split off not two weeks later to fight other people. It is not mentioned whether or not Cena even wanted a rematch. He just went and beat up Paul E. Dangerously and Edge and ECW brought Balls Mahoney for some reason. So Cena doesn’t hate RVD, he hates ECW and, by extension, Sabu. Wrestling.

ECW here is the underdog promotion with nothing to lose. Cena is, therefore, the hell. Amazing. This is Cena’s heel run. The lumberjacks of ECW get an intro from Lillian and they all stroll to the ring, circling it like dogs, all wearing ECW t-shirts. Sandman stares at the camera. Great blue eyes on him. Sabu is introduced and he comes to the ring with little fanfare, much like everyone else at this arena.

The Raw lumberjacks are introduced. They’re all wearing pants and no shirt except for Viscera, who wears his full suit because ain’t nobody want to see him shirtless. He’ll probably end up hurting someone again. They hang around for a while before Cena’s music hits and the man that heelery forgot comes down to the ring, big shiner on his eye. Rat faced knacker Justin Credible actually looks at Cena and gives him the “come get some” gesture. Fuck off, Justin, you piece of shit. The Raw and ECW guys are roaring at each other and Cena just walks between them. Sabu attacks Cena before he even enters the ring and the bell goes.

Extreme Lumberjack Match: John Cena def. Sabu via submission in 06:38.

The lumberjacks circle the ring as Cena is thrown out but he jumps back in the ring before they’re able to get much licks in. Great suplex from Cena and a two count. Sabu is sent out and Raw send him back in. Cena and Sabu have a great tempo in the ring. Cena is sent out and beat on by ECW. He is sent out again and Sandman whips him with the Singapore cane. Sabu has a chair set up, jumps off it to do a springboard moonsault followed by Camel Clutch to break backs and make humble.

Cena gets a shot in the nuts from Sabu and falls like a tree. Sabu attempts a springboard leg drop followed by an Arabian Facebuster (the chair-under-butt-leg-drop). It only gets a two count. Sabu has the chair and sets it up again to jump into the corner but Cena dodges it. The lumberjacks batter the mat in good time. Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle but a schmoz outside diverts his attention and as he FU’s someone, he gets two chair shots for his effort. A table has been set up and Cena is being held down but as Sabu goes to suicide dive, Cena hits him with the Singapore cane and throws a chair in his face. Cena hulks up for the FU and does it on the table but Sabu lands on the edge and it looks like it hurts like fuck. Cena hits him with the STFU and Sabu taps out in 6:38.

2016 comments:

So good at the start and such a dodgy finish. I couldn’t find if the ending was forced because of the botched table spot with Sabu or not, but I’m willing to guess that that was the case.

2006 comments:

A Sabu match without blood? No thank you.

Grade: B

The Raw lumberjacks flood the ring and a Comic Sans sign tells us that Cena likes Hustle, Loyalty and Respect. Sabu genuinely looks like he cannot walk and I am not surprised. The man is mental. Cena gets applause from the Raw lumberjacks as he strolls backstage.

JR and King remind us that Cena won. Cut to backstage and Cena meets RVD. Oh yeah. RVD gives off to Cena for what happened when Cena came to ECW. RVD reminds Cena that he does not have the rematch and so calls for it on Raw. It seems like an afterthought. The camera makes Cena’s head look tiny. He’s like a Gears of War character. Cena looks lovingly at the spinner belt as he accepts the challenge.

We see a promo for McMahon’s war against Shawn Michaels and HHH’s turn against his boss. Absolutely great moment when he finally steps up against the Spirit Squad and then when Shawn reunites with Hunter to make DX. Followed by a number of childish pranks from DX onto McMahon.

DX’s music hits along with epilepsy-inducing cuts with the music video. I love the DX music. It’s absolutely great. The X-sign is confusing because it is the sign that the refs use when someone is actually injured in the ring. The amount of DX fans who have accidentally called the paramedics must be phenomenal. The crowd is lukewarm, probably frothing at the mouth from the damn music video.

Trips has the mic. Jerry tells us about women flashing DX. Hunter asks the crowd if they are ready and they actually pop! Maybe they are popping HHH’s big old roid belly. Trrrrrrrriple H fucks up his promo and Shawn Michaels finishes it.

Spirit Squad music hits with Nickyyyyyyy Nemeth. Their roman candles look guff because one of them won’t spin and just sits there, spurting sparks into the air before finally figuring out how to firework. One of the Spirit Squad has an air horn and he can go fuck himself. JR is frustrated, “God Almighty these guys are… loud.” He then calls them great athletes, which is an obvious lie.

Trips is chewing gum, the rascal. DX plays rock, paper, scissors and JR tries to get it over before the bell rings.

Handicap tag team match: D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, Mikey) via pin in 17:45.

Well, here it is, ladies and gentlemen: your main event! A bunch of male cheerleaders versus two drug addicts. The Spirit Squad attempt a chant and it doesn’t sit well. Michaels starts off with some nice chain wrestling and follows it up by walking on Mitch (apparently). I can’t tell the difference between these guys but luckily their names are on their singlets.

The Spirit Squad are doing a great job of selling the chops from Michaels by reacting violently to each one. Michaels is beat on in the corner by the Squad and then Mitch is beat on in the corner by DX. The Spirit Squad rush in and DX clear house. Johnny is already bust open! It seems like a broken nose! When the hell did that happen? I was busy typing. I’m going to watch it back.

It seems when the boys are beating on Michaels in the corner, he elbows Johnny in the nose. He goes down and half-heartedly takes the bump to the outside. The Spirit Squad regroup and return to the ring. Michaels looks a bit annoyed that he has hurt Johnny, who takes out a headband, puts it on and shouts some crazy karate sounds. Michaels strolls back, tags in Trips who knocks Johnny down. He then reclines in the corner. Fair play to Johnny for staying in the match. Makes me wonder if he has bladed or not. Johnny gets thrown into the corner and Trips distracts the ref while Michaels goes to town on the broken nose boy’s balls. He waddles about the ring and Trips pants him.

Lots of comedy shots involving testicles. Real crude humour. It’s as if the boys in the back said, “Let’s bring back the Attitude Era… that was just dick and fart jokes with tits, right?” and this was the result. Double team outside and Mikey gets a great shot on his man plums. Trips asks him if he wants a time out and then hits him anyway. Nasty Trips, disrespecting the sanctity of time out. The Spirit Squad throw him back in and beat on him in their corner as Michaels stalks his side, unable to do anything. Trips hits one of the Spirit Squad with a great neckbreaker and Michaels and Mikey comes in. Michaels knocks Mikey down, hits the kip up, cleans house and drops the big elbow from the turnbuckle. He is “tuning up the band,” according to JR and as he batters his foot off the floor, Spirit Squad jump in and knock him down.

Our man Nicky Nemeth is in, beating on Michaels and being a real show off. The Spirit Squad can sell like no man’s business. All of them make Michaels look a million bucks. He gets thrown out and belted with a steel chair. Christ, it is loud. Mikey runs down to the ring, jumps off a trampoline by the apron and hits Michaels with a weak bulldog. Trips, upset by this, throws the trampoline away. Michaels still won’t stay down for the pin. Nicky is back in, beating on Michaels with reckless abandon, raking his face with his wrist straps. The ref is distracted and the Squad beat on Michaels. Another cover and another kick out.

The boys double team Shawn and once again he survives the onslaught. The crowd chant something so weak that no one but the announcers know what it is. Double clothesline and both Michaels and the Spirit Squad are down. More referee distraction and Nicky is back in. Jesus, they’re getting a fair amount of use out of Dolph there. He gets thrown out of the ring shortly, though and the crowd chant for HBK to make the tag. Another double team but Michaels counters and double DDTs two of the Spirit Squad.

Wait… their initials are SS. Hmm.

Trips is in and he clears house, battering all the SS down. He hits Kenny with a great spinebuster and repeats it with… Another Spirit Squad member. He goes for the Pedigree but it is broken up. Michaels goes over the top and Trips is alone in the ring. Michaels is being held by the Squad as one uses the trampoline for the senton but Michaels dodges is and four of the Squad hit the dirt. Kenny is in the ring and the Pedigree and Sweet Chin Music is hit concurrently. Double pin (Trips and Michaels) and they get the three for the win in 17:45.

2016 comments:

This was our main event. Not great. Not bad. It was simply… a tag match.

2006 comments:

I hate the Spirit Squad but by Christ I hope the Attitude Era comes around again.

Grade: B

DX celebrate mid ring and a Spirit Squad member gets Sweet Chin Music’d. Then another simultaneous Pedigree and Sweet Chin Music. JR asks, “Is the Attitude Era back?” and the boys whisper to each other in ring. Trips einie-meinie-minie-mos the Squad and chooses one to bully. Turns out it was Mitch. Trips then whips the keks down and Mitch’s nose is pushed deep into Hunter’s buttocks! By God! Lovely wee close-up of HHH’s bottom as well. Vince comes out and stands there, watching the boys celebrate. He’s smiling and congratulates them, saying he will see them tomorrow night. He does this without a mic. Then the feed cuts but not before JR thanks us for inviting the WWE into our homes. Great lad.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: After his less-than-stellar match two months ago, I would say that Carlito was fantastic this evening. Great lad.

Woman of the Matches: There was not a women’s match to be had on this card and other than Melina, Lita, Maria and Torrie, no women at all appeared! I find it hard to give it to any of these women and so will award it to none, which shows the dreadful state of the women’s division at this point in time.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Carlito!

Best Spot: Irish whip to catapult to superkick combo from Carlito, Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro.

Hatches: “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Doink the Clown, Kamala, Imposter Kane and the Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky and Mikey) as competitors. Torrie Wilson backstage. Jonathan Coachman also appears but fuck the coach.

Matches: Johnny Nitro starts his first run as Intercontinental Champion, winning it from Shelton Benjamin. Rob Van Dam retains the WWE Title.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: The damn event was released on DVD a month later and remained on the Billboard DVD Sales Chart for three months. Although the event itself was a great success and helped the WWE earn a total of $21.6 million from PPV sales, it wasn’t a great match. The Intercontinental championship match was amazing, but the rest was pish and the fact that they relied on the handicap match and gave it too much time even though it was a comedy undercard bout just went to show how much sway certain members of the locker room had and how much it needed to change.

On the Card will return on July 23 with the SmackDown! PPV The Great American Bash 2006.