Previously on On the Card: Bra and panties.
Cut to the motherfucking Miz in his “hosting” duties backstage. He interviews Mr. Kennedy. Ken chews the scenery for a while so much so that his face goes red. The Miz appears unimpressed.
Batista’s music hits and the crowd pop for him. He’s wearing Bo Dallas white pants and jaws off to the crowd for a while before hitting his machine gun pyro. He is the epitome of mid-2000s wrestler. Pair of women behind him mime pinching his bum, as well, so fair play to both him and them. Batista was supposed to fight Mark Henry, but Henry suffered an awful injury and will be out for eight months.
Out comes Mr. Kennedy. No posturing here, just walks out like the gangster he is. As Kennedy points to the heavens, Batista gets a cheap shot in, starting the match.
Mr. Kennedy def. Batista via pinfall in 8:38.
You know that part of the movie where the hero is down on his lucky and he has one final Hail Mary shot at redemption? We’re talking about a final chance to score a goal (or touchdown as you yanks call it) or he puts all of his chips all in on one final hand of poker or she has one bullet left to take that shot? That’s where I was right before this match. This is my last shot because I quite like Mr. Kennedy and Batista and although I love Rey and Booker, their matches are never amazing, they are simply okay. So this is going to be my last shot at getting an A match after the first fantastic one.
Batista has Kennedy in the corner, bouncing him off turnbuckles, choking him. This looks like two men who want to have a fight, a fight, not a match. JR said that at one point during the HHH/Rock feud where Rock had made fun of Stephanie. This is not a match, this is a fight. Kennedy is bust open from the steel steps, apparently, and Kennedy had no real chance to blade, so it was probably legit. Batista is cracking Kennedy in the forehead, really getting the blood flowing. Kennedy goes to leave, turns and jaws off to Batista, pointing to his forehead and calling Batista a piece of garbage.
As he slips into the ring, Batista spears him. Reportedly, the wound on Kennedy’s head exposed his cranium! It’s impossible not to look for it during the match. Kennedy beats on Batista mercilessly and it is difficult to imagine that this isn’t because of the forehead injury, as one big long receipt. Batista gets a kick on the back of the head and wastes some time outside. Kennedy is in control right now and both men are trying to get the match over and done with as quickly as possible. Paradoxically, they get into a rest hold for a while and we get a nice shot of that exposed cranium. Took twenty stitches to close the wound!
The rest hold lasts for a while and Batista is trying to stand up as quickly as he can, his one arm shaking in anger. Kennedy’s wound seems to have stopped bleeding and he beats on Batista and the Animal retaliated with a choke hold followed by bunch of shoulder barges in the corner. Kennedy’s wound is reopened as Batista throws him into the corner and he hits his head again, pissing blood everywhere. Batista holds his boot on Kennedy’s throat and gets DQ’d in 8:38.
Not a great match and my focus was on poor Kennedy’s head.
Blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!
Batista hits Kennedy with three spinebusters as the bell rings. He follows this up with a Batista Bomb. He then rubs his hand over Kennedy’s forehead and smears himself in blood. He looks like an absolute monster, but his eyes are terrified, scared, haunted. The poor son of a bitch. Both of them are poor sons of bitches.
Remember my analogue earlier about the Hail Mary shot? Well this is the point in the movie where the heroes are up shit creek. The best they can hope for is an okay finish to this entire thing.
Lots of recaps of the blood from Kennedy’s face as the Animal looks on, genuinely concerned. Old Drax the Destroyer has a heart of gold, it seems.
We have a lovely recap of Booker T becoming King of the Ring, looking humble as usual. We see him winning the Battle Royale on SmackDown! to earn a match with our boy Rey. Rey is really sold as being an underdog champion because they never shut up about it. He 619’s Booker around the ring post and the King sells it like he’s been shot. Brilliant.
King Booker’s music hits as the man himself comes down on a weird float with a throne on it, driven by a God damned knight. Pyro goes off behind him and both Booker and Sharmell sell it like they are humble monarchs, waving to the booing crowd and smiling. JBL cunts it up, standing with his hat over his heart. Maggle is stupefied by this. Booker takes his time getting to the ring and the music is getting quite repetitive now. I want this entrance to last forever, but I want the music to stop. And I want JBL to stop too.
Rey’s music hits and out he comes, exploding from behind a moderately sized box. He’s facing it up, clapping hands on the way to the ring. He’s a more universally liked John Cena. Maggle and Rey argue about who is more deserving of the championship as the ring causes epileptic fits throughout the venue. Despite the boos, Booker is very humble during his introduction, thanking the crowd. Rey gets a big kiddie-pop and is called “The Master of the 619” amongst his other achievements. Booker squares up to Rey and yells, “Eddie can’t help you!” into his face.
World Heavyweight Championship match: King Booker T (w/ Queen Sharmell) def. Rey Mysterio (c) via pinfall in 16:46.
The crowd are chanting “Eddie! Eddie!” as the bell rings and Maggle fucks it up by calling Booker T the champion. Way to foreshadow, Freddy Foreshadowing. Rey looks like a child beside Booker, which is normal for the champ. Booker knocks Rey to the ground and kicks him mercilessly. Booker beats on Rey in the corner but he is reversed and Rey goes for the pin but gets a one. The crowd get another, “Eddie!” chant going. Some terrible knees from Booker followed by a bodyslam and a great Irish whip and clothesline.
Police pin city but Rey escapes, goes for a stunner and flips Booker over for some reason. Running of the ropes followed by hurricanrana and Rey gets Booker in a corner but receives an eye poke for his effort. Rey avoids a shoulder barge and Booker falls outside like a silly goose. Mysterio gives Booker a seated senton, smacking Booker in the face with his balls. Mysterio misses a Bret’s rope moonsault and a superkick takes the Mexican down. Booker hits Rey with a clothesline and gets a two-and-a-half pin. Booker responds by choking him on the ropes and as the ref berates him, Sharmell rakes Rey’s eyes. Booker gets Rey in an arm lock and boots him in the face. Cheeky.
Maggle does an actual good job of mentioning the chants and Rey attempts to repeat his stunner flip but is thwarted. Booker gives Rey a great suplex from the apron and references Eddie by holding on and repeating the suplex twice with a great spinaroonie at the end. The crowd chant, “619!”. Rey dodges a kick and fights back. He goes for the 619, Booker dodges and Rey gets only a two count. He goes to get another 619 but Sharmell trips him. The ref sees it and sends her from ringside. I like that spot as it evens out the match, but maybe we could have done with a few more Sharmell incidents to really rile the crowd up. Booker hits Rey with a brillian back drop before going to Bret’s rope with a stomp but Rey boots him in the face. Both men are down, Booker’s knee is injured.
Rey beats on Booker, goes for a great head scissors that sends Booker to the floor. A Bret’s rope cross-body and a shot of the crowd where one kid screams, “You can’t see me!” at the camera. At least… I think it was a kid. Honestly, I could have sworn it was just an empty space in the crowd…
Rey hits Booker with a DDT and gets a two count. It’s that part of the match where a wrestler farts and goes for a pin. The ref is knocked down as Booker tosses Rey across the ring, hitting the official. JBL states that Rey did that on purpose to be disqualified and keep the belt. Seated senton from Rey and Booker gets kicked with the 619, saunters over to the turnbuckle and frog splashes onto Booker. The referee is out, though, and as he goes to get the official, Booker low blows him, hits him with the Book End and gets a chair. He misses his shot and Rey jumps up, dropkicks Booker in the face. Out comes Chavo and you can smell it in the air… what is that scent? Oh, now I know! It’s… BETRAYAL!
Chavo predictably hits Rey in the face with the chair (and what a chair shot it is) and Booker goes for the pin, the referee rolls into the ring and hits the slowest pin in the world for Booker to win the match and championship in 16:46.
An okay match from two okay competitors. Saw the Chavo angle coming miiiiles away, though, and the finish lacked the finesse that it required. If Booker had taken advantage of the chair shot to give Rey a Super Book End off the top rope or something similar, then it would have been different. As it was, the match lacked that special something.
Did you hear that chair shot? Christ of almighty!
Booker cries mid-ring as JBL tells us that we cannot trust a Guerrero, which is a slightly racist but fairly obvious thing to say. Sharmell screeches, “All Hail King Booker!” into the mic about twenty thousand times. That and the repetitive music really grates. I love you Booker and I love you, Sharmell, but, by God, shut up. Come on.
We see one last shot of the chair shot that damn near killed Rey. What a chair shot. There’s a reason they don’t do them like that anymore.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: I’m going to say Paul London because not only was it the best match of the card, but he took a fair pounding.
Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was pish and other than that, the only woman was Queen Sharmell, who was fantastic. So she gets it. The best woman in the PPV was the one who didn’t even compete. What does that tell you?
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Queen Sharmell!
Best Spot: Irish whip to catapult to superkick combo from Carlito, Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro.
Hatches: Jamie Noble, Kid Kash, William Regal, Fat Matt Hardy, Ashley Massaro, Michelle McCool, Mr. Kennedy, Batista.
Matches: King Booker defeated Rey Mysterio to begin is one and only World Heavyweight Championship title reign. Both Paul London and Brian Kendrick retained their WWE Tag Team Championship belts and Final retained his WWE United States Championship.
Dispatches: Simon Dean, Kid Kash.
Closing Statements: Another SmackDown! event where not much happens and it’s all quite embarrassing. I am completely okay with matches that experiment with style, such as the Punjabi Prison match, but anyone with half a brain would look at that and say, “Yeah, this won’t work. This sucks.”
On the Card will return on August 20 with the WWE PPV Summerslam 2006.