Attitude Era #14. In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede (July 6, 1997) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Only Championship match of the PPV and it was alright.

Dok Hendrix is backstage with team Stone Cold. Goldust takes responsibility for putting the team together. Ken tells us that the likes to fight. Animal shouts in the mic for a bit and in the middle of his roaring, I hear the words, “US” and “Canada”. Hawk says only one thing, “Whhaaaaaat a rush!” and Stone Cold walks out.

Back in the arena, here to sing the Canadian National Anthem is Farmer’s Daughter. They actually do a fantastic version of it. I know all the words of the Canadian National Anthem. How, you ask? Terrence and Philip’s Asses of Fire (based on a true story).

Ralph Klein is in attendance. He’s a politician or something. Stu and Helen Hart are there too, asking others to stretch ‘em. Shot of the old family there, but Nattie is not amongst them.

Goldust’s music hits and these guys, though faces, will be heels this evening as they are dirty, filthy yanks. The Americans invented anger, you know. Marlena is nowhere to be seen, though. The announcers mention her but I can’t make it out.

Out comes Captain Charisma himself, Ken Shamrock. No theatrics at all. Some smelly marks in the crowd have Shamrock signs.

LOD come out and get a sizable pop. They no-sell everything on the way to the ring. A tank could hit them and they’d just pop up and go to the next spot. Great, great cunts.

Vince tells us to wait for the reaction for the next man. Glass smashes and… nothing. A modest pop. They’re in Canada. They don’t want the rattlesnake. They want the Harts. Canadians and people married to Canadians.

Flyin’ Brian Pillman comes out. He was trained by Stu Hart and is the only member of the Hart Foundation without a blood-or-marriage-relation. Because of that, he is also the only member famous for having a gun as he is not Canuck, but Yank.

Brian stays on the ramp for a bit and takes in the applause. Anvil appears next, standing with Brian and telling the camera that, “this is the real deal.”

Bulldog comes out next with motherfucking Diane Hart-Smith, his emotionless wife. She makes what the humans call a “smile” and waves about her appendages.

Slammy-award-winning Owen Hart is next, looking just fantastic with his two Slammys. We’re all waiting. Who could possibly come out next?

Who? Who, I ask? The crowd know.

His music literally hidden behind the crowd’s cheers, Bret “The Hitman” Hart comes out. What a fucking class tune as well. What a great lad. Lovely mark for himself as well.

With that, the Hart Foundation walk to the ring, waving about the Canadian flag and getting lots of cheap pops from the crowd. Bret gives his shades to his mum. She’s dead pleased. Stu could not give less of a fuck. Bret squares up to the enemy, the Yank. Stone Cold jaws off to Bret for a bit. There are cameras by ringside, filming a documentary about Bretty Bret Hart. Everyone clears the ring except for Stone Cold and Bret. The bell tolls.

Goldust, Ken Shamrock, The Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal) and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. The Hart Foundation (Brian Pillman, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, The British Bulldog, Owen Hart and Bret Hart) (with Diane Hart-Smith).

Stone Cold and Bret pummel the shite out of each other and Bret takes over, getting Austin in the corner, stomping a mudhole in him and walking it dry. Stone Cold hits back and the crowd boo, pissed as Austin tosses Bret into the corner and cheering as the Hitman springs out to knock Austin down. Bret drags Austin’s face on the ropes and Austin low blows Bret. It’s his turn to stomp a hole into Hitman. The two jaw off as Austin gets the sleeper hold on Bret. Hitman kicks off the turnbuckle and has another chat. Anvil is tagged in and it’s his turn to beat on Austin. Stone Cold gets the Lou Thesz press and tags in Shamrock. Big boos.

Shamrock and Anvil square off. Big kick from Shamrock and Anvil goes down. Ankle lock and Pillman springs in. Shamrock takes Anvil down with an arm-drag. Anvil returns with a punch to the bake and Shamrock gets the armlock in.

Pillman is tagged in and takes an arm drag from Shamrock. It’s yank against yank mid-ring. Pillman chops Shamrock in the corner and gives Shamrock a lovely backbreaker. He straddles Shamrock and slaps him. An Irish whip to the corner becomes a clothesline and Ken gets the belly-to-belly in.

Owen is tagged in, all short-haired and handsome. Goldust comes into face him and a lovely back body drop form Goldust becomes a big old dropkick from Owen. Goldust gets Owen in the corner and the crowd chant something.

Hawk pops in and beats on Owen for a while. He goes top-rope and hits a terrible-looking splash. He attempts a dropkick, fails, Owen tries to hit the Sharpshooter but is broken up.

Bulldog comes in with a delayed suplex (what strength!) followed by a lovely powerslam. Referee Earl Hebner allows Goldust to break up the pin and our man Bret comes in. Animal and Bret in the ring with the LOD lad failing to sell any offence. On account of the cuntyness.

Goldust comes in, has a wee squat mid-ring and the pair have a test of strength. Bret puts Goldie in a tree of woe and the Hart Foundation beat on him. The crowd actually cheer! Shower of bastards! Owen is in, hitting another backbreaker and tosses Goldie into the turnbuckle, but is denied a shoulder barge. Animal comes in, actually sells a spinning heel kick and dropkick from the top rope. Owen kips up and is fired up. He gives Owen a lovely pop-up-powerbomb and bodyslam. He goes for the super dangerous Doomsday Device and Owen lands on his neck. Christ, lads, just fall with him, come on.

The pin attempt is broken by the Anvil and there’s a schmoz. In the middle of it, Austin beats on Owen and hits him with a chair. Stu attacks him and Bret soon follows. Owen is hurt, apparently, and Anvil pops in as Owen is carried out by the rest of the Harts. Anvil lifts Austin up and the Harts beat on him in the corner. Austin fights back and beats off the Harts before pulling Brian in, exposing his arse and hitting the Stunner.

Bret grabs Austin’s legs and cracks them off of the turnbuckle, following it up with a fire extinguisher and a figure four off the turnbuckle. One of the LOD breaks it up and Bulldog stomps Austin. Apparently, he’s legal. Bulldog and Hawk fight mid-ring and Hawk falls off the turnbuckle onto his balls. Anvil tags in and he and Bulldog double-clothesline Hawk. Austin is leaving the arena. Animal is in now, versus Anvil. Earl watches as both men are gassed and doing a test of strength.

Jim gets Animal into the corner and tags in Hitman, who gives him a Bret’s Rope elbow onto a backbroken Animal. Shamrock is tagged in and gets a wee ankle lock on before Flyin’ Brian Pillman breaks it up. Wee low blow to Shamrock and Hitman goes into the corner. Big punches from our man Shamrock. Another ankle lock attempt but Shamrock lets go to allow Bret up. Bret takes over, throws Shamrock into Brian’s boot and tosses Shamrock out. Pillman throws Ken into the announcer’s table and another schmoz ensues. Hawk is tossed into the steel steps.

Mid-ring, Bret hits the Russian Leg Sweep on Bret and a pin is denied by Goldust. Bulldog pops in, stomping a mudhole in Ken and flipping him the bird. Low blow stops that. Goldust is in, then, beating the shite out of Shamrock and hitting a bulldog to Bulldog. Pillman breaks up the Curtain Call and Goldie goes to the top rope, falls on his balls, gets a lovely superplex from the top-rope (a rare both-men-on-top-rope superplex) and Stone Cold reappers. He reaches for the tag off of Goldie and Bulldog tags in Bret. Both men batter seven shades of shite out of another as Stone Cold hits a lovely supplex. Bret reverses a back-body-drop and hits the backbreaker.

Bret hits his Bret’s rope elbow and is caught in a sleeper hold that he counters into a stunner but Bret actually kicks out! He actually kicks out! Bret hits the Sharpshooter but Cunt Animal breaks it up because he doesn’t understand wrestling. Austin hits the Sharpshooter but Owen pops in to break it up because he does understand wrestling. Owen is tagged in and eats a boot from Austin. Both ben roll out and Austin beats on Owen for a bit before turning on Stu and pummelling him. No DQ from the ref and big boos from the crown. Owen gets the roll-up and the win.

Owen Hart has pinned Stone Cold Steve Austin. The Hart Foundation win in 24:31.

2017 comments:

Good main event. The weaker ones are held back and the talented guys get top-billing. Shame about Cunt LOD and Austin and Owen being the finishers despite the fact that both men left the ring due to injury. Stinks of Hogan.

1997 comments:

That wacky Stone Cold!

Grade: A.

Everyone else has a big old schmoz as the bell rings constantly. The refs and ringside harts get involved and soon the ring is filled with young bucks. The ring swells and ebbs and flows with people as the heels attempt to leave. The crowd are cheering as the Yanks leave. The Harts celebrate mid-ring with Bret’s music playing despite the fact that Owen got the pin. Lots of Canadian showboating and hotdogging from the faces. Anvil waves a flag. Owen looks pissed, actually pissed.

Austin is back in and is jumped upon by the Harts. It’s a massive pile-on. The crowd chant, “Austin sucks!” at him, and in this situation, he does. Bret goes to his rope to observe the situation. Austin is handcuffed by security and fights back, booting at his oppressors. Boots are laid into his face as he is led off, waving his arse at the Canadian crowd, flipping them the bird. Cheeky yoke.

Bret’s music plays again and Stu and Helen are brought up to the ring to celebrate with his family. Jerry can’t get over how many Harts exist.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I was going to say Mankind and Trips, but they outstayed their welcome by continually fighting so I’m going for Taka Michinoku for being… EVIL.

Woman of the Matches: Chyna? Is she the only one? Unless you count Diana and Helen Hart, I suppose. Just Chyna, so.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Taka Michinoku.

Best Spot: There were, actually, no real stand-out spots other than the entire light heavyweight match.

Hatches: Brian Pillman makes his first in-ring appearance. Taka Michinoku and The Great Sasuke appear as well.

Matches: Undertaker retains his WWF World Heavyweight Championship.

Dispatches: Blackjack Mulligan and Bradshaw who fought in the Free For All match, are (thankfully, in Bradshaw’s case) gone until Survivor Series. This is The Great Sasuke’s only PPV appearance, so he’s gone. Taka is gone until D-Generation X in December. Anvil is gone until Survivor Series. Pauly B is gone until Badd Blood.

Closing Statements: Dave Meltzer placed this as the Best Major Wrestling Show in 1997 and it’s hard to dispute that. The crowd were hot, the matches were great, the pace was high and other than the Trips/Mankind brawl that kept recurring, everything was great. Only four matches in two hours, though, each of them being at least ten minutes and one of them going for almost a full half an hour. Great, great, great PPV.

On the Card will return on August 3 2017 with Summerslam 1997.

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Attitude Era #14. In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede (July 6, 1997) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Taka Michinoku was… EEEEVIL.

Backstage, Dok Hendrix is speaking to our man Paulie Bearer, accusing him of stooping too low as Bearer accused Taker of murdering his family. Vader is standing in front of the camera the whole time. Paul Bearer screeches at the camera, reminding Taker that he is a killer. He says, “Oooooh yeeees!”

It’s time, it’s time, it’s Vader time. Out comes the lad from the Rocky Mountains, but he lets Pauly B walk out first. Fans are clearly not happy about any of this nonsense and wave their thumbs and click their tongues and say, “What’s to be done with this Big Van Vader?”

Vince calls him “The Mastodon”, which was his original character in the Fed.

There’s the old Taker dong and for the next fifteen minutes, we watch a dead person shamble to the ring. He has an entrance video, which is nice as they’ve only started doing this recently. His music is still Chopin’s Funeral March with added theatrics. He’s wearing his leather tunic get-up and thunder rolls as he gets to the ring. What a buck. He takes his time getting up the steps, mind. Don’t rush, our lad. I gots to say, when he stands by the turnbuckle, the WWF symbol really ruins the shot for me. He raises his hands and – heavens to Betsy! – the lights come on. The fucking lights come on.

I love how over the Undertaker is despite the fact that he is essentially a murderer. The referee, terrified of taking the belt, is none other than Irish Referee Tim White. He has a bit of common sense about him.

WWF Championship Match: The Undertaker (c) vs. Vader (with Paul Bearer).

Both men start off hot, bopping each other loads. Taker gives Vader a big Irish Whip followed by clothesline and leg drop. No pin, though. Another Irish whip into the corner and big splash. Vince raises the fact that Taker has been told by P Bizzle that he has a brother that he has not seen in over twenty years. Taker goes for Old School and hits it. Big pop but he fails to get the pin.

It’s nice that the Fed are adding in Kane now, especially due to the fact that he does not appear for a few months yet. Taker runs the ropes and gets the jumping clothesline. Another pin attempt. No one mentions Kane’s name, so I assume that he has not been named yet, but it will be interesting to see how the storyline betwixt Taker and Bearer evolves leading to Badd Blood in October. Long rest hold from Vader. Leon runs the ropes and eats a big boot from the Deadman. Both men are on the outside and Vader takes a handful of punches before Vader throws Taker into the steel steps. Paul walks over and gives Taker a wee boot. Good man. He’s calling him a murderer and he’s still the face in this match.

Taker hits Vader with a chinbreaker and goes to the top rope for a flying clothesline. HHH and Mankind are on the Superstar Line, probably still kicking the shite out of each other. Vader falls out of the ring once again and Taker walks slowly towards Bearer. The crowd are rabid. Vader Pearl Harbours Taker and our man Percy Pringle kicks him a wee kick, looks very pleased with himself and lets out a little Ric Flair, “Woo!” before remembering that the Undertaker is a damn murderer. Vader goes to Bret’s Rope and hits the splash but fails to get the three.

Vince references that the scarring on Paul’s face has gotten better. Oh yeah. Vader splashes Taker but does not get the pin. He hits the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on the Deadman and both lads have a little sit. JR mentions that Taker may be a pyromaniac. Taker fights back and the crowd go ballistic. He gets Vader in the corner, takes a punch to the face followed by a damn clothesline and punches the Undertaker’s midsection. Taker fights back, tosses Vader in the corner and punches the shite out of him before getting the chokeslam. But Vader boots him between the legs and Irish Referee Tim White fails to DQ him. Vader runs at Taker and he is up in the Tombstone position. Vader reverses it but fails and falls on his hole. The pair fumble for a bit and Vader sets Taker for the big splash off Bret’s rope. Taker low blows Vader, gets the chokeslam from the second rope but it gains only a two count.

A true chokeslam in the middle of the ring gains another two count. That’s two chokeslams. My God, what next? The Tombstone? Taker gets him up, hits his move and gets the pin.

The Undertaker has pinned Vader and retained the World Heavyweight Championship in 12:39.

2017 comments:

Best Taker match and Vader match I’ve seen in a while. Good man.

1997 comments:

Motherfucker tore off Mankind’s ear. I’ll never forgive you!

Grade: B.

It’s a shame about the botched spot. Undertaker leaves after taking a knee. We see what it looks like outside the arena. It’s an arena.

Promo for this mental ten-man tag team match. We see Crush pop down to the ring on a motorcycle and turning on his Nation of Domination buddies. The rest of his stable, DOA (Disciples of Apocalypse) run into the ring. Los Boricuas, the team made by Savio Vega, rush in and fight as well because we love a good fight so we do. Then the Legion of Doom and Ahmed Johnson and all the others come in too. It’s garbage wrestling for a while. However, we do not dwell on them, but instead focus on Stone Cold and Bret. Bret gets his Hart Foundation and place them against Stone Cold, Ken Shamrock, Goldust and LOD. Mankind appears at one point as well.

On the Card will return on July 27 2017 with the fourth part of In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede.

Attitude Era #14. In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede (July 6, 1997) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Best match of the PPV so far featuring Mankind and Trips.

Backstage, Dok Hendrix is speaking to Bret about the possibility of losing on their home turf. Stone Cold arrives and shouts for a bit. Bret takes this to prove that Steve is mad.

Back in the arena, we have a “light heavyweight” match with mmmmmmmmmmotherfucking Taka Michinoku. Yes. What a lad. Still has the same music he has when he’s in Kaientai. Great. I fucking love Taka.

The Great Sasuke appears with mental metal. He jogs to the ring like the smelly jobber he is. Both lads have long cloaks on… but before the match can start, both Mankind and Trips appear, still fighting. Christ. Way to take the heat away from the Japanese. Both men are bopping each other for real and Trips is bust wide open. Then the match in the right actually starts.

Taka Michinoku vs. The Great Sasuke.

To appease the Americans, Sasuke is wearing a face mask. That way, they won’t get confused, surely.

For real, though, I bet Vince was happy about this so he didn’t have to keep spluttering through his notes to see who was who. Because, you see, he is a racist.

Both men start off. Sasuke gives a wee kick and both men dodge about each other. They lock up and go against the ropes where it breaks. There is a test of strength and an arm lock. Taka rolls through and Sasuke gets him in an arm lock. They spring away and a lovely boot from Sasuke knocks Taka down. The crowd is, sadly, dead.

Head scissors from Sasuke and Taka rolls through, gets him in a crossface and a few stretches. Taka is working on Sasuke’s arms, runs the ropes and eats a boot. Sasuke pulls up a high Boston Crab and crawls to the ropes to break it. Taka boots Sasuke in the face and a dropkick to the back on the head followed by one to the face and the crowd are loving it. Taka runs the ropes and goes over. Sasuke goes to the top rope and hits the flying kick on our man Taka. Both men are down. They roll in and Sasuke kicks the shite out of Taka in the corner. Sasuke waits for Taka to get up and keeps kicking. Taka catches the legs, gives a lovely whip, dropkicks the knee and springboards from the top rope to the outside. Big pop from the crowd.

Taka is mid-ring and Sasuke is outside. Finally, Sasuke rolls into the ring and Taka meets him, attempting a suplex from the apron but Sasuke counters. A German suplex is attempted but Taka lands on his feet and hits a hurricanrana. Roll-up and Sasuke kicks out. Sasuke hits a flip followed by a springboard moonsault to the outside and both men are having a wee lie down. Good job, boys. Have a rest for a while.

Mid-ring and both men run the ropes. Taka hits the belly to belly and is denied a pin. He springboard dropkicks Sasuke, calls for the throat-cut, hits the Michinoku driver and fails to get the pin. Taka goes top rope but as he jumps, Sasuke dropkicks him mid-air followed by a springboard moonsault, a powerbomb and a German suplex to pin.

The Great Sasuke has pinned Taka Michinoku in ten minutes exactly.

2017 comments:

Just a tip top “light-heavyweight” match with two great Japanese stars. I’ve always loved Taka, especially with Funaki and it’s always great to see Sasuke.

1997 comments:

Who are these gods.

Grade: A.

Great match, worthy of the ovation the crowd are giving them.

We can’t see that, though, because backstage, Trips and Mankind are still fighting. The refs are trying to stop them. Trips has a spade and cracks Mankind with it. Trips sets up Mankind on a bunch of pallets for the Pedigree but Mick counters it. More garbage wrasslin’ from the pair of them.

Promo for the upcoming Undertaker vs. Vader match, where Ahmed got in a bit of trouble during a big ol’ scrap match and bust his knee. Vader then stepped in.

On the Card will return on July 20 2017 with the thirdpart of In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede.

Attitude Era #14. In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede (July 6, 1997) Part 1

 

On the Card: Attitude Era #14 In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede – July 6, 1997

In the previous entry, I looked at King of the Ring. It was shite. The next PPV was In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede, the second PPV set in Canada that I have reviewed since starting this blog.

Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede 1997

No tagline this time around. The poster shows Owen and Bulldog standing with their belts at either side of Bret. The background is a pink Canadian Flag. Just in case you ever forgot that it was set in Canada.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Stampede Wrestling was a promotion started and run by Bret and Owen’s father (also Bulldog’s father-in-law) Stu Hart. So it’s a pun… almost.

The announcer tells us that the WWF is translated into 7 different languages in all these bleeding countries.

Black and white promo tells us that we no longer live in a world of black-and-white, telling us that the good guys are now bad guys and the bad guys are getting pops. We see “stone cold killer” threaten to end Bret’s legacy. The Hart Foundation are coming home, the heels now the heroes and the faces now fucking hated.

We see a how getting its arse branded and farty pyro welcomes us to the – honest-to-God-named – Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. 12,151 in attendance with around 209,563 houses buying it, which is rather high for the time. Some dumb Canuck has a sign that says, “BRETT RULES”. The Hart Foundation music is playing while Jumpin’ Jim Ross, Vinnie Mac and Jerry “The King” Lawler invite us in.

The EU anthem plays and out comes a man who has never even been to Europe, Hunter Hearst Helmsley feat. Chyna.

(Note: Before the PPV began there was a match on Free-For-All featuring The Hell Godwinns, Henry O. and Phineas I. defeating The New Blackjacks, Bradshaw and Windham. My DVD actually has this match but fuck it, I’m not watching Bradshaw if I don’t have to.)

Chyna weighs two hundred pounds, apparently. Fair play to her.

Shitty promo for the Mankind/HHH match. We see handsome Mick Foley followed by their drizzling shits of a match at King of the Ring 1997. It’s all very embarrassing for everyone concerned. Hunter tells us that the ring his. Chyna gets on the mic and tells Mankind to come down and kiss her ass. Well, now. They censor “ass”. Because apparently the Attitude Era hasn’t started. Was there not Stone Cold 3:16? Did Goldust not snog the face off Ahmed Johnson? Have the Godwinns not turned heel? I think you’ll find that it is very much the Attitude Era, sirs.

Anyways, Mankind replies by saying that he’s a good kisser.

Back in the ring, Mankind pops down with his crazy Hannibal Lecter theme. He’s getting a hell of a pop and runs into the ring to start the match.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Chyna) vs. Mankind.

Trips and Mankind are sharing punches mid-ring and the pace is frantic. Mankind hits the bulldog followed by the leg drop and double-arm DDT. He curtseys to Helmsely and follows it up with an Irish whip but Mick takes a knee to the face. HHH goes over the top rope and Mick gives him a big ol’ elbow drop. Vince splooges over Chyna’s deltoids as Trips is thrown out again. Mick goes to Bret’s rope on the apron but Trips runs off. The entrance aisle is actually a ramp now, and fair play to them. Mankind hits the suplex on the steel ramp, throws up the arms and shouts, “Bang, bang!”

Trips rolls down the ramp and slowly gets into the ring. He’s knocked to the apron with a quick punch. Trips is on the apron but hits the sunset flip. Chyna interferes, punching Mick, who goes after her. Hunter tries to stop him but takes a gut punch. Trips Irish whips Mankind and Chyna catches him to hip toss him into the steel steps. Trips gets a chair and – in full view of the ref – nails Mick in the leg. Why isn’t this a DQ? Why is the match continuing? Fuck sake, ref. I can’t even make out who the ref is.

Trips goes for the knee of Mankind and Vince has, so far mentioned the fact that Bret Hart’s family is in the front row thrice. Trips drops the elbow on Mick’s knee. Vince says that the ref has allowed a great deal of latitude in this match. Trips – the cerebral assassin – is targeting the knee of Mankind continuously. He hits the figure four in the middle of the ring and almost pins Mankind as his shoulders fall to the mat. Trips gets the top rope and adds leverage but the ref does not break the hold. Your man is shite. The ref finally sees it, kicks Trips’ legs and Mankind escapes. Trips goes for the Pedigree but Mick counters it. Trips kicks Mick into the turnbuckle and he bounces off and Flair flops right onto Trip’s dick.

Both men are up and the crowd can’t count as Mick punches in the corner. Trips takes a lovely big Shawn Michaels bump in the corner. Mankind goes for the piledriver and it is brutal. Pin attempt and Trips kicks out. Mankind and Trips both tumble out of the ring and Mick goes right for the chair but Chyna stops it. Trips grabs the chair and hits Mick once. As the official goes to shout at Trips, Chyna nails Mick with a clothesline. Pair of bastards. Trips goes top rope and Mick accidentally hits the ropes, dropping him on his dick. Mick gets the Mandible claw in. Chyna pulls on Mick’s legs, giving him a low blow. Trips comes out and tosses Mick into the barricade before pounding on him. Both men go into the crowd and the ref – with the fastest ten count in the world – counts out both gentlemen.

Both Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Mankind have been counted out in 13:14.

2017 comments:

Damn. What a curtain-jerker. Spot after spot after spot. Barely felt three minutes long and went for thirteen! Amazing show.

1997 comments:

Mick AND Chyna? Is there a higher number than eleven stars?

Grade: A.

The pair brawl through the crowd and go for the penalty box. Both men are battering through the crowd and the Calgary ones love it. Ref goes tumbling and people try to break it up.

Replays of the match. They could have shown the whole match for the replay, so good was it. Both men take super bumps and put on a great show.

Shite promo where there was a parade and Mrs. Calgary 1997, Diana “no emotion whatsoever” Smith, Bulldog’s wife. Bret Hart went out to sign things for lads. Fans lined for a mile, apparently. Bret signed each one. What a lad. The Fed were given the key to the city, apparently. Bret turned up to… something.

On the Card will return on July 13 2017 with the second part of In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede.

Attitude Era #13. King of the Ring (June 8, 1997) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Best match of the PPV and it was barely a B grade.

Backstage, the entire Nation of Domination is there. We see the most recent RAW where Faarooq beats the shite out of Taker after a match. Faarooq tells Undertaker not to worry about Paul Bearer’s blackmail. He should be worried about (points at chest and looks awkward) this black male. Faarooq may become the first Black champion of the Fed, something which, in the year 1997, should not be a thing. There should not be first Black anyone in the year 1997. I know wrestling is a bit behind the times, but, c’mon, guys. At least pretend you’re not racist, damn.

Back in the ring, The Fink is introducing the next match the only way he knows how: not very well.

The Nation come out and I am so glad that there are no cunts giving these lads the Seig Heil, because you know that some cunts in audience would do that. Some cunts are giving the double-bird, though.

Shit, Bearer looks like hell. He has a weird ginger-coloured toupee on, his moustache is shaved, he has bandages on his face and Taker is staring daggers at him. Dok tells Taker that he loves him and always will. Bearer threatens Taker and the Deadman walks off in a huff.

Back in the ring, Vince tells us that Dok speaks for himself. The bell tolls and the WWF champion, rightfully, enters the ring last. Big blue light and smoke as he slowly strolls with Pauly B behind him, looking like a fat bastard. Vince tells us that Faarooq has played the race card. Taker raises his hands and the lights come on. People are freaked out, apparently. Taker is wearing his fetching long leather tunic-style outfit. Bearer tries to undress him but Taker is having none of it. Then Faarooq Pearl Harbours him from behind.

WWF Championship Match: The Undertaker (c) vs. Faarooq.

The one and only championship match this evening, on a night featuring literally all the champions.

Paul rolls out of the ring and Faarooq batters Taker for a bit, walking him around all the corners. Taker reverses it and manhandles the challenger in the corner. Faarooq reverses an Irish Whip and Taker springs out, knocking Faarooq down, missing the elbow drop and attempting a pin after a punch. Paul Bearer gives the Undertaker some advice and repeats it to the camera: “All he had to do was hook the leg and one-two-three.” Wise words.

Lovely powerslam and Taker is down. The NOD attack him while the ref is distracted. The ref is Earl Hebner, so he was probably distracted by someone wanting to buy a t-shirt. Taker goes for Old School on Faarooq and turns to give the cross-body to the outside onto the NOD. He batters them all down but a simple slap from any of them would give him the win. He gives Faarooq the chin-breaker and then goes for Old School again. NOD distract Earl again, the big useless shite, and Taker’s balls hit the top rope. Predictable.

Lovely snap suplex from Faarooq and Taker sits up immediately. Bearer shouts at Taker and JR calls him a pain in the fanny. Fanny over here means vagina. More ref distractions and more NOD attacks. It’s very boring. Faarooq throws the Undertaker out and then picks up the steel steps. Taker gets the big boot up and Faarooq falls on his hole. Taker beats on Faarooq for a while and hits a gruesome piledriver. It looks very painful. Shame upon him. Smelly ECW mark on the hard cam holds up a sign. The crowd chant, “Rest in Peace!” and the two take a knee and lie down for a bit. Lovely rest. Earl doesn’t see Faarooq cheat. Yep. Going to the well one too many times, here, lads. Who booked this?

JR tells us that the WWF title means a lot of money, which is interesting as it is the second time they’ve mentioned money and titles. Sleeper hold turned to chinbreaker to a senton splash. Faarooq punches Taker around the ring and attempts another piledriver. Taker counters and misses a leg drop. Faarooq is up and punching Taker, who gets a knee to the face from Faarooq. Big jump from Faarooq from Bret’s Rope but Taker catches him and turns it into a lovely powerslam. Taker is hammering on Faarooq in the corner, runs the ropes, attempts a jumping clothesline, misses and takes a tongue-lashing from P Bizzle himself. He truly is the worst of us. One more ref distraction and NOD attack which causes a bit of a rift between Crush and D’Lo Broon. Undertaker lifts Faarooq up for a shaky Tombstone and the pin.

The Undertaker has pinned Faarooq for the win in 13:43.

2017 comments:

Easily the second-best match of the night.

1997 comments:

Bit racist near the end there, lads.

Grade: B-.

D’Lo and Crush get a wee chokeyslam from Taker and Paul Bearer comes in to look at the madness. Cunts in the crowd throw shit and hopefully get thrown through a fucking window. This is a wrestling match, for God’s sake. It’s not opera. You can’t just throw shit. Pauly B shouts at Taker and he chokeslams Faarooq. Paul shouts some more and Taker looks upset. He chokeslams Faarooq a second time. Bearer requests that Taker kindly give Faarooq a third chokeslam. I forgot that the red-haired version of P Bizzle was a white supremacist. He’s my least favourite Paul Bearer.

Out comes Ahmed, shouting at them all. Is he defending the NOD? Is he imploring Taker to snap out of it? Is raising hell?

Well, we don’t know, but he Pearl River Plunges Taker while more cunts throw shite into the ring. Paul boots Taker and finally he sits up, squaring up to Bearer before following the jolly fat man out of the ring and out of the arena and to the end of the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No real stand-out matches or competitors here, so I’d have to go for Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels for giving the only half-decent match of the night.

Woman of the Matches: Chyna or Marlena again? Chyna, so.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: Stunner and Sweet Chin Music combo to all of the referees.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Undertaker retains his WWF World Heavyweight Championship.

Dispatches: Jerry is gone from competitive matches until Fully Loaded, thank God. Crush disappears from matches until Ground Zero. Ahmed Johnson is gone until Survivor Series. This is the last we see of Sycho Sid. He took time off to recover from a neck injury that required surgery and went to ECW in 1999. This is the last we see of Immigration Clarence Mason, sadly. D’Lo Broon is oot until Badd Blood.

Closing Statements: A very disappointing PPV. A real let down and significant drop in quality overall. Bad show.

On the Card will return on July 6 2017 with In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede.

Ruthless Aggression #20. Vengeance: Night of Champions (June 24, 2007)

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #20 Vengeance: Night of Champions – June 24, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 24, 2007, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February. This one was tri-branded and had Raw, Smackdown and ECW matches on the card. It is noticeable for taking place on June 24th, 2007, which was the date that Chris Benoit hung himself after murdering his wife and son. He no-showed this PPV and was replaced by Johnny Nitro in the CM Punk ECW Heavyweight Championship match. I will go into more detail about this horrific crime and the effect it had on the wrestling business as well as myself in the conclusion to this review. For now, I will state that personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007

Night of Champions

Did it just use its own name as a tagline? My God.

The promo package tells us that everyone wants to win the gold, which is true, and that this PPV has a gimmick where every belt is on the line! Whaaat? I’m sure this has happened before.

Batista and Edge in a Last Chance Match. Yeo. Will Batista win? Probably.

Bobbo Lasher and Mick Foley and Randy Orton and Booker T and John Cena for the WWE Championship. Mentalnuts.

There’s a shot of an altar with… wrought iron? Tentacles? Who knows? We are welcomed into the Toyota Centre in Houston, Texas by Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler. But first, Justin Roberts introduces Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo! That’s right, old Blackjack Winham and IRS, brothers-in-law and members of the US Express. They won the belts twice in 1985 and held them for a total of 137 days. Not too shabby. Cut to some lovely footage of the lads with Captain Lou Albano.

No time! No time to talk! Old Jeff and Fat Matt Hardy are rocking to the ring, beltless. They lost the belts to Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch on the June 4th RAW, one day after beating the World’s Greatest Tag Team in a ladder match at One Night Stand. Some facts there for you.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Super Crazy and Carlito. At least one of them should not have been there.)

Finally, JR and King introduce us to the announce team alongside 15,000 roaring fans in the arena and 247,000 at home (a drop, once again, from the 337,000 the year previous). JR and King represent RAW and… there are other announcers, too, apparently, but we will get to them soon enough. JR states that Cade and Murdoch are opportunistic for taking the belts one day after a big ol’ ladder match. The crowd bay for the Hardys.

Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch (c) vs. Matt and Jeff Hardy.

Champs never come out first but always get first billing. Them’s the rules.

We have nine matches on the card. Almost all of them will be sub-ten-minutes. Fat Matt to start off against Cade. JR gives off about Cade and Murdoch for a while. Despite their match at Judgment Day, Cade and Murdoch are the nasty heels. Cade holds out his hand, shit eating grin upon his face, and Matt takes advantage, making the audience cheer for him. Lovely running of the ropes and Jeff hits a cross-body to knock Cade down. Jeff is in and they botch a leg-drop-senton double team. Murdoch comes in and a botched swinging neckbreaker. Murdoch gets a kick in the face and lovely enziguri before Matt comes in with an axe-handle nothing. Lovely Poetry in Motion and slingshot baseball slide. Matt comes in and both Hardys clean house. Matt and Jeff stand in the ring as Cade and Murdoch say, “fuck it!” and walk off. Hardys roll out and beat on them for being cowards.

Both Cade and Murdoch rock in and Matt takes pity on Murdoch, who begs for his life. Murdoch tags in Cade sneakily and as Matt squares up to Murdoch, Cade Pearl Harbours him. Crowd bay for Jeff and the hot tag is built up. Murdoch’s eye is hurt from an injury at Smackdown, I think. Cade pops in and works on Matt’s left knee. Murdoch comes in and does the same. Matt fights back but Murdoch takes over with a single legged Boston Crab. Matt crawls away to the ropes and fails to reach them. More pressure applied to Matt’s knee. Matt might tap out. Jeff is desperate to get in and Matt kicks Murdoch on the face, runs up the hot tag, Jeff bounces in and botches his way through a clearing of the house.

Cade gets pinned but kicks out. Jeff retaliates, hits a lovely twisting moonsault, fails another pin. Sit-out vertical suplex and Jeff goes to the top rope and twice does Murdoch knock him off. Lovely sit-out spinebuster by Cade and they retain by pin.

Lance Cade has pinned Matt Hardy. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch retain the World Tag Team Championship in 08:55.

2017 comments:

Good opener. Both teams are very good, though have distinctly different styles. Although the Hardys were not as high-speed as they usually are, it was a clean win and both teams go over. Well, it wasn’t totally clean and the champions are obviously cheaters, but that’s that.

2007 comments:

No Swanton? No Twist of Fate? No wonder they lost.

Grade: B.

Matt looks on in horror as Lance and Trevor leave. Trevor has a wee word with the US Express there. Neither look impressed. Matt sits near Jeff as replays the closing moments, including the seemingly botched interruption. The champs say, “All by the rules!”

Cut to Booker and his mental with Sharmell. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Booker – since Wrestlemania 23, in fact. Booker – in an English accent, no less – states all of his championships and gives his Queen a resume that proves that he should be a champion tonight.

Cut to Cowardly Cole and Cunt JBL. They talk about Eddie and JBL talks about his Eddie’s career will be intertwined with his own. Yes, but not because you’re a good wrassler, JBL, but because Eddit accidentally cut himself badly in a fight. We see a match betwixt our boy Eddie and Bork Lensar, who is a shaved gorilla, but otherwise a lovely bloke.

Crowd chant for Eddie as his less-interesting nephew Chavo comes out.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Chavo was one of the gentlemen who Benoit got in contact with regarding his suicide. Chavo had spoken to Benoit on Saturday and Benoit had told Chavo that he loved him, which Chavo later said sounded “off” to him. Chavo was also a recipient of a text from Benoit and his wife’s phone giving their address. Spooky.

Chavo is the Cruiserweight champion… and comes down first, apparently. God dammit, Fed. Is it just me? Am I wrong. No. No, it is the Federation who is wrong.

Cut to Dean Malenko, the man of 1000 holds, which would be interesting, of course, if not for Jericho, who knows one more.

Jimmy Wang Yang turns up, the resident redneck. What a lad. I love this boy. He’s brilliant. He’s a real lad. Look at him, with his moustache and the whole wife-beater-and-jeans thing going on. He’s like Dean Ambrose, only with talent.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship match: Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang.

Referee Charles “Little Naitch” Robinson there as Cole tells us that the first Cruiserweight Champ was Brian Pillman. That was back in WCW, but they don’t tell you that. Jimmy hits a lovely hip toss and a roll-up but fails. Chavo’s father, Chavo Classic was also Cruiserweight Champ. Chavo calls the ref over, takes advantage of the situation and attacks Jimmy before tossing him into the corner. Jimmy takes over, hits a lovely dropkick and an amazing suplex. Pin and fail.

Jimmy does a sweet run up Chavo’s body and backflips. Chavo baseball slides Jimmy on the apron and tosses him back in, going top rope but getting an enziguri from Jimmy to knock him to the outside. Jimmy goes top rope and hits a cross-body. Jimmy rolls Chavo back in and hits the pin but fails. Fantastic hip-toss from Chavo into the corner, by Christ. Nice side-suplex from Chavo and a pin but fail. Chavo gets Jimmy in a hold and he fights back, tosses Chavo, gets reversed, falls, and Chavo hits the senton. Very confident Guerrero. The crowd chant, “We want Wang!”

Jimmy fights back and hits a wonderful backdrop followed by an Atomic drop onto Chavo’s balls. Jimmy hits an odd cartwheel attack, another cross-body from the top rope and almost a pin-fall. Chavo hits the Three Amigos and gets boos. Jimmy escapes, goes for a pin but Chavo has the bottom rope. Chavo rolls out of the way of a moonsault and hits a Gory Special attempt. Roll-up and Chavo kicks out. The crowd boo. Jimmy is lifted onto the turnbuckle, is knocked onto the ground and Chavo hits the frog splash for the win.

Chavo Guerrero has pinned Jimmy Wang Yang and retains the WWE Cruiserweight Championship in 10:16.

2017 comments:

Good old match. Not as flippy as we expect from Jimmy, but he was so over, it didn’t matter.

2007 comments:

Man, fuck Chavo.

Grade: B.

JR uses the Owen Voice to tell us about Vince McMahon’s alleged death by limo explosion.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: This is infamous because the Raw following Vengeance was due to be a tribute to our man Vince, but it was changed, obviously, to a tribute to Benoit before the news was revealed hours later about the truth of Benoit’s actions. At the ECW the following night, Vince took back the Benoit reference and began the long, arduous process of bleaching him from the WWE.

JR introduces a look into Vince’s “mindset”, showing his last moments and the premonition he had about a dark cloud that then was revealed to be his upcoming death. Twice, Vince looks behind himself and then he hesitates before opening the door to his limo, he steps in, steps out and blows up. The footage was made from spliced footage filmed the Sunday before Raw and an outside agency – Zenith Pyrotechnology – was called in to make it look as effective as possible. Crowd sing, “Na na na na! Waaaay, goodbye.”

Then there’s an opinion piece as to who was responsible for Vince dying. Cut to Bobby Lashley being asked if he had anything to do with the death. He says he wishes Vince was alive to see the look on his face when he wins the belt tonight.

Cut to Tazz and Joey Styles wanking off about Tazz being the greatest ECW Champion of all time.

CM Punk comes down. This is a match to determine who should be the ECW Champion. As mentioned, his opponent in this match was going to be Benoit. Punk half-heartedly throws his t-shirt into the crowd.

For some reason, Justin Roberts introduces Johnny Nitro before he enters the Titantron. No Melina or paparazzi or Joey Mercury tonight so it’s clear that Johnny was added as an afterthought. But Melina is actually on the card tonight, so I don’t see why they couldn’t have her walk him to the ring?

Match for the vacant ECW World Championship: CM Punk vs. Johnny Nitro.

Johnny takes the time to get out of the corner as the crowd chant, “We want Benoit!” Gulp.

The two circle one another and Johnny actually checks the chants before CM Punk kicks the shite out of Nitro, who rolls out of the ring, steps on the apron, slaps Punk and is chased about the ring. Punk slaps the face off Nitro and he gets a lovely springboard kick to the head from Nitro. Punk shakes off the cobwebs as Nitro gets him into a rest hold for a bit as they decide on the next spot. Punk fights out, gets a clothesline to the face and then a boot from Nitro.

Lovely armbar. The crowd want Benoit and he shouts, “You got Johnny Nitro!” The announcers discuss the late change and what that means for Johnny in Kayfabe. Backbreaker and another sleeper hold. Punk fights out of it, gives a lovely enziguri to Nitro and both men take their time getting up. Punk takes over, booting Nitro all about the place and attempting a pin. Nitro reverses a knee lift and Nitro gets a pin with his feet on the ropes but the ref sees it. Punk goes for the GTS but Nitro escapes into a sunset flip which Punk refuses to Aloha Arn. A bulldog from Punk and he pops up to the top rope, attempts a springboard which Johnny escapes from. He then hits a swinging elevated neckbreaker and get the pin.

Johnny Nitro has pinned CM Punk to win the ECW World Championship in 8:00.

2017 comments:

Going through the motions. Neither of the men had a chance to put on a great match and you could see Punk was Grumps McGraw in this match.

2007 comments:

Where was Benoit?

Grade: C.

So, it turns out that Punk was going to fail anyways. That’s a kick in the teeth, isn’t it?

Cut to WrestleMania XII where Bret and Shawn squared off in an Iron Man match for the championship. Shawn refused to submit at the end of the match and it continued under Sudden Death, which is a nice way of saying that now it is a normal match, I guess. Shawn got the pin after a Sweet Chin Music.

Cut to Mick Foley in the locker room, wrapping his knuckles. Randy is there and threatens Mick saying that he has ended careers. Mick reminds Randy that he’s an absolute headcase. Randy says that he won the last match they had. He won it. He won that match.

Cut to Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat and his Intercontinental Championship win. He then pops out himself, waves to the crowd and gets more than the US Express earlier.

Out comes the current Intercontinental Champion, Santino Marella, who was apparently just a fan until he beat Umaga in Milan.

Out comes Umaga, who was an absolute murderer until Cena destroyed him. Now he’s back to just being another wrestler. He shouts at the ring steps for being a mean old set of steps.

WWE Intercontinental Championship match: Santino Marella (c) vs. Umaga.

Umaga screams and Santino dodges out of the way of his charge, attempts a roll-up and fails. Santino is on Umaga’s back and the Samoan drops backwards, squashing Marella. Umaga goes for a splash and Santino gets the knees up but no joy. The crowd chant, “Umaga’s gonna kill you!” and the Samoan gets the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Santino. Marella fights back, attempts to run away and he sells his hand being paralysed. Umaga lifts him up, beats him in the corner and after the shortest five count in history, the ref calls for a DQ.

Umaga has been disqualified by failing to move away from the corner after a five count. Santino Marella retains the WWE Intercontinental Championship by default in 02:34.

2017 comments:

Ugh. If you’re going for a short match, make it believable. Have Umaga fight the referee, maybe, toss him, refuse to let go, bloody Santino up. It just looks like Umaga has been unfairly treated. Shit. Who is the heel here?

2007 comments:

This Santino might be the best champion ever.

Grade: C.

Umaga chases the referee, goes top-rope and splashes Santino. Why? He should be mad at the ref. The crowd chant for “U-Mah-Gah!” and he leaves. He’s clearly not a heel. He rolls back in, shots the thumb and hits the Samoan Spike into Marella’s throat. The crowd chant, “One more time!” but he does not hit it one more time. Maria rocks down the ramp and rolls into the ring to look after Santino. Replays of the ref giving a five count and instantly calling DQ. As Daniel Bryan would say, “He has until five, referee.”

Cut to an ad for Summerslam, featuring Jackass.

Cut to Coward Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL as they talk for some time about the limo explosion. Daniel Beck, the lead federal investigator for the incident. He tells us that forensics have confirmed DNA evidence for Vince, the limo driver and another third party, who is a “well-known personality”.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Cunt President Donal Trump legitimately thought that Vince was dead. I would normally take the time to point out how imbecilic this was… if not for the fact that stocks dropped because of the storyline, showing that money doesn’t necessarily equate to common sense.

Reminder that tomorrow is a three-hour celebration of Vince. Eep.

Cut to Magnum TA, former US Champ, who survived a car crash that left him in the wreck for two hours before ambulance arrived. This car crash ended his career and it was feared that damage to his vertebrae would leave him paralysed for life, but he was able to walk again with the aid of a cane.

MVP appears, ready to kick arse in his onesie. Farty pyro fires off. He squares off to Magnum TA who is standing beside Sign Guy, who has a sign that says, “A Horseman vs A Horse’s Ass”. Brilliant. The jerk beside Magnum TA is doing the Cena, “U Can’t C Me” sign.

Big woo as walking leather handbag Ric Flair walks to the ring. His entrance is cut short as MVP dives out of the ring to jaw off to Flair. Flair has been drafted to SmackDown at the grand old age of 58. Oy vey.

WWE United States Championship match: Montel Vontavious Porter (c) vs. Ric Flair.

Bell rings and MVP jaws off to Flair before the two lock up. MVP gets Flair in a corner, shouts shit in his face and the two argue before Flair woos and gives MVP a slap. Flair struts in the centre of the ring, MVP takes his time on the outside before rolling back in. The two bucks shout at each other and taunt. Flair gets cheers and MVP gets booed. Flair gets MVP into a leg lock and there’s a lovely wee rest hold. MVP gets to the ropes and Flair attempts a leg snap. Rake of the eyes and Flair is lifted onto the apron before being booted off. The champ goes out, picks up Flair and hammers his head off the apron. Pin in the ring followed by another and some punches before another pin and rest hold. Flair has bladed.

Flair gets to the ropes to break the hold and MVP stomps him. Flair is in the corner, takes some shots but survives. Some Flair chops and punches before a big back drop from MVP. He checks his chest and zips back up his top. Yeo. Rest hold city over here. A lone fan in the crowd woos. Flair fights back and knocks the champ back. Lovely fireman’s carry into gorilla press and a pin but still no win. The announcers talk about other champs and how they would feel about MVP. Flair hits a jawbreaker and slaps MVP on the ropes. Dodgy botched choke into backdrop and Flair chops away at MVP, runs the ropes and hits the high elbow. Back body drop and Flair is still in control, going for the ten punch in the corner but only getting five before MVP escapes.

MVP goes for another boot in the corner but misses. Flair attacks the knee, struts and attacks the knee again. Figure Four is locked in and MVP is reaching for the ropes before reaching it easily. Flair takes a thumb to the eye, hits the Playmaker for the win.

MVP has pinned Ric Flair and retains the WWE United States Championship in 8:43.

2017 comments:

Nice of them to unwrap Flair and feed him the Lazarus Solution to resurrect him once again.

2007 comments:

Did we really think Flair could ever win?

Grade: C.

Maggle tells us that Flair was in control. We see the ref pull Flair away – not DQing him like they did to Umaga – and MVP leaves, still the champ.

Backstage, Todd Grisham speaks to John Cena, who hits Todd and gives the big thumbs up to the camera. Edge appears and the pair waste time talking about the failed Vince McMahon Whodunnit. Cena tells Edge that he’s too soft to kill Vince. Edge basically implicates himself and the FBI guys appears to ask Edge some serious questions about a death that never actually happens.

By the side of the crowd is Rick Martel and Tony Garea, who were Tag Team champs back in the day. A different tag team, of course, to the World Tag Team Champions earlier… Confused much?

Deuce ‘n Domino come out, all shoo-bopping and doo-wopping with Cherry on her roller blades. I like this gimmick. It’s silly. Deuce lifts up Cherry and walks her three steps. They won the tag team belts from Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Deuce and Domino make fun of Martel and Garea, saying that the place stinks and that they thought the old champs were dead. Stay classy.

Sgt. Slaughter’s music hits and out he rocks, saluting to everyone, pointing and shouting. Then out comes legit murderer, Jimmy Snuka. This is the second match in a row with ancient wrestlers fighting new wrestlers. Cunt JBL talks about calling Ron Simmons and starting up the APA. Cole tries to be his friend. JBL turns him down.

Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Deuce ‘n Domino (c) (w/ Cherry) vs. Sgt. Slaughter and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

Deuce starts off and Cole tells us that it’s a bit odd that Snuka and Slaughter are tagging together as they feuded back in the day. Botched running of the ropes and jumping as Domino jumps too early and lands on Snuka’s neck. He hits Domino a bunch and tags in Slaughter, who hits a pump-handle gutbuster and snapmare for a pin. Big fail. Slaughter tosses Domino about and gives him a back body drop. Another pin. Another fail.

Slaughter hits the Cobra Clutch and finds the rope pretty quickly. Big elbow shots and Domino takes a big old clothesline. Another Cobra Clutch and Deuce walks back. Deuce hits Slaughter, why he doesn’t tag in is beyond me. Finally, he does and a ref distraction causes the choke from Domino. Domino tags Deuce in.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Deuce is, of course, the son of Jimmy Snuka.

Deuce is beating on Slaughter, looks at his dad, goes to the top rope, hits a taunt on Superfly, does a big splash but fails. Slaughter goes for the tepid tag and the dad whups his son for a while. Snuka pins his son and Domino jumps in to break it up. Slaughter pulls him out and Superfly hits his son with a ribbreaker. He goes to the top rope and Cole fucks up the naming of the splash. Domino fails to knock him off – probably a botch – and Snuka hits the splash, rolls through and Deuce gets the pin.

Deuce has pinned Superfly Jimmy Snuka to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship in 6:34.

2017 comments:

Jesus, boys, at least do a bit of training before getting into the ring.

2007 comments:

Did we really think that Deuce ‘n Domino won by accident?

Grade: C.

The heel champs beat on the losers and Martel and Garea run in to save them. Big cheer as the winners run off. Then Superfly’s music hits as the old men are awkward mid-ring. Replays of the “win” and subsequent beat-down.

Coming up next, it’s the last chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship, Edge vs. Batista. Replays of their last few matches and we’re all very impressed with Edge’s thong.

Cole talks about Harley Race, an eight-time NWA champion and King of the Ring winner.

The champ, Edge comes out first once again. Because why wouldn’t he? Edge lists his belt for the farty pyro. He is called the “Ultimate Opportunist”, which is not really true, is it? If it were, he’d be taking every opportunity he could, including DQing himself in order to retain quickly.

Batista rocks out with his new haircut, hits his gatling gun pyro and strolls to the ring, rocking on his toes. Cole tells us that he asked Batista, “What are you gonna do tonight? It’s your last chance,” which is almost as stupid as when he asked Austin, “Are you ready to enter hell?” back in 2001, the fucking ghoul.

Batista rolls out, chases Edge off and hugs Harley Race. Real babyface.

Edge kisses the belt and the bell is rung.

Last Chance Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Batista cannot wait to get his hands on Edge, going for his legs almost instantly. The pair hammer on each other and Batista hits the pin pretty early on but fails to keep him down. A wee rest hold from the two men and Batista stalks his enemy, constantly holding onto rest holds. Edge fights back and gets the Animal in the corner, but is limping from the damage pretty early on. Lovely Bossman Slam from Batista followed by a pin that fails. Annoying whistling person in the crowd. Batista gets thrown out of the ring and lies there for a while. Edge rocks out, hitting the axe-handle-nothing from the apron. Batista lifts Edge up but he escapes and reverses it into a lovely push into the steel ring post.

Batista reenters the ring and Edge is on him, hammering him on the back of the neck. Edge runs Batista’s shoulder into the steel post and we stand around for a while. Very slow pace here. Batista goes to the apron and gets hit with a baseball slide. Edge hot-dogs and grandstands for the crowd as Batista really sells the baseball slide. Batista rocks back into the ring and he have… armbar city. Both men are either gassed or purposely bringing the pace down. I can’t wee why. Batista hits an arm drag, is thrown – once again – into the corner, shoulder first, and follows it up with a short, sharp tug. Batista falls back, has trouble getting to his feet and does so, fighting back before a drop-toe-hold moves straight into an armbar. Armbar city.

Batista lifts Edge into a fireman’s carry into a Samoan Drop but Edge holds on, holding as tight as he can. Batista battles to his feet, punches Edge, lifts him into the corner and gets a boot to the face for his effort. Batista’s veins are all twisted and gross. Edge drives at Batista, but the Animal hits a murderous clothesline. Ten count starts.

Both men are up and Batista hits a looooovely back body drop. It is beautiful. Batista then hits a swinging Rock Bottom on Edge but fails to hit the pinfall. He sets up the Batista Bomb but Edge escapes and hits the DDT. Edge is amazed that it means nothing. He rocks out, grabs his belt and the ref shouts at him. Roll-up from Batista. Roll-up from Edge. Dominator attempt by Batista, Edge-O-Matic from Edge. Both men are down, both men are up and a spear from Batista knocks the champ down. Edge whups his arm right up to hit the Animal with a low blow.

Edge has disqualified himself by an illegal action. Batista is the winner of this match but Edge still retains World Heavyweight Championship in… 16:50?

Something fucky’s going on here. Same thing happened ten years ago at In Your House 14: Revenge of the ‘Taker with Owen Hart and British Bulldog being illegally pinned by the Legion of Doom.

Teddy Long rocks out and restarts the match. He adds the stipulation that a further DQ will cause Edge to lose his championship. Edge bounces back in and the bell goes despite the fact that Batista is not ready. Edge prepares for the Spear, hits it and almost gets the pin! Almost! Edge runs out, gets a chair, remembers that it will mean he loses and rolls in only for Batista to attempt the Batista Bomb and throw Edge over the top rope. Batista gets thrown into the steel steps and then hits Edge with the Batista Bomb. However, he took so long that Batista gets counted out.

Batista has gotten himself counted out. Edge is the winner of this match and retains World Heavyweight Championship in 16:50.

2017 comments:

Have a screwy ending, only to restart the match… and have another screwy ending. Nice, guys. Very nice.

2007 comments:

Disappointed.

Grade: C.

No good storyline in this match. Batista has lost his chance to win the championship. He’s furious. He picks up the champ and hits a second Batista Bomb, his music plays and he leaves the ring. Batista punches the ring a bunch of times and the replays of his loss play. Distraught, he walks up the tron.

Cut to JR and Jerry, who talk about Fabulous Moolah, the madam. They have a wee laugh and show the original screwjob where Moolah was the “Spider Lady”, completely revising history, the bastards.

Melina appears with her paparazzi, smiling as she rocks down and splits to enter the ring. Bless her, she tries awful hard.

Candice Michelle appears, slapping hands and wearing… a garter belt to hold up her trousers? Weird. So weird.

WWE Women’s Championship: Melina (c) vs. Candice Michelle.

Right, everyone, take a knee. This is the piss break match, I guess.

Melina raises her hand for a test of strength, kicks Candice right between the legs and is thrown into the corner, hitting Melina with a head-scissors submission, moving into a tarantula before being kicked outside. Melina sits on the apron and tries a head scissors of her own, rolls into the ring and attempts a pin. Melina pops Candice into the corner, hits the double knees and gets another head-scissors on her before attempting a takedown. The announcers call Melina a “playboy wannabe”, reducing her to a glamour model. Bow and arrow submission followed by a pin attempt. Melina goes over the top rope and Candice hits a weak powerslam, shakes her hips and hits an elbow. Pin attempt and fail.

Bulldog by Candice and another pin attempt. Melina hits a Neckbreaker and fails again on the pin. Both women run the ropes and Candice wins by a pin after an embarrassing roundhouse kick. Her top also falls down.

Candice Michelle has pinned Melina to win the WWE Women’s Championship in 4:07.

2017 comments:

Embarrassing.

2007 comments:

She’s crying because she knows how shit it is.

Grade: Not a match.

Awful, just awful. Women wrestlers deserve better than this.

Cut to a promo for… WrestleMania? Oh, on DVD. Three discs, or so I’m told. Five hours of extras. Four hours of actual WrassleMania. Cunt Trump gets top billing.

Justin Roberts introduces Cunt JBL, who used to be a WWE Champ. He gets the grip to hand a piece of paper to Roberts and says that he must read from the paper, exactly. It wanks JBL off for a while. Fuck JBL.

Promo for the Five-Pack Challenge, which JR says is… “So unique.” It’s not. We see Mick, Booker, Cena, Randy and Bobbo Lasher as champions as they say what it means to be a champion. The five men tell the camera who they are. We see their “best moments”, which involves mostly Mankind.

Justin Roberts describes the chaos that will unfold: all five men will fight and the first to get a pinfall or submission will win. No eliminations.

Bobbo Lasher comes out first with his golden shower.

Micker Foley comes out next, facing it up.

Booker comes out with Queen Sharmell, the best queen. He has an odd animal fur cloak on. Weird dude. JR calls Sharmell beautiful. She is, she’s great looking. Long bloody entrance, mind.

Then Randy comes down with his great entrance theme tune, taking half an hour to get to the ring, jogging for a bit like the smelly jobber that he is. He hits the legend killer pose mid-ring and that’s him.

Cena keeps us waiting, you know, all four men await him and the crowd goes ballistic the second that his music hits.

Five-Pack Challenge for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Mick Foley vs. King Booker (with Queen Sharmell) vs. Randy Orton.

All five lads are in the ring, finally, and the match begins. Booker leaves and Sharmell gives him a lovely massage. Cena bops Randy, who gets a back-body drop from Lasher and is tossed over the rope by Mick. Booker comes in, tosses Cena out and hammers Lasher. Lashley hits a thunderous clothesline and tosses him out, hitting a very dangerous looking suicide dive onto all four men, picks up Booker and rolls him back in. Mid-ring, Lasher hits the Rack Attack and Cena breaks up the pin to big boos. Both big men face off and trade punches mid-ring. Lasher hits a great spinebuster and both men roll to the outside. Cena takes a bomp to the head from the steel steps and Lasher begins to prepare an announcer’s table for a bump.

Randy and Foley interrupts it as Booker and Foley fight by ringside. All the other men have a wee lie down, waiting for their own personal spot. Foley takes a real bad looking steel ring step bump and it’s Randy and Lasher’s turn to fight. Lasher counters an RKO, walks straight into an FU and is clobbered through the ECW announce table. Booker and Cena have a scrap in the ring mit Flair chops. Booker cracks Cena in the face with a boot and some lovely knees and Irish whip. Cena fights back and clobbers Booker before taking a Scissors kick to the back of the neck. Randy breaks up the pin and gets a punch to the face before Cena – no selling the Scissors kick – knocks him out, hits the sit-out powerbomb, attempts a Five Knuckle Shuffle but eats an RKO. Randy attempts the pin and Foley breaks it up, cracking Orton with elbows and a knee to the head before turning on Booker for a boot and hitting the double underhook DDT.

Foley whups Mr. Socko out of his jocks, eats a superkick from Booker and both he and Randy fall with a double clothesline. Foley throws the sock into the crowd and takes a steel chair into the ring. Cactus bops Bobby with the chair followed by Booker. Cena gets to his feet and eats a chair before Randy stops the carnage. The Viper stalks Foley, gives him the punt kick. And Cena gets ready for the FU with Booker, tosses him out and hits Mick with one instead for the pin.

John Cena has pinned Mick Foley to retain the WWE Championship in 18:08.

2017 comments:

Spotfest, but a fun spotfest.

2007 comments:

Mick was in it. Match of the Year.

Grade: A.

The DVD I was watching had the match at maybe 10 minutes, they must have cut out some rest holds. Cena celebrates and the WWE moves into a new and terrifying era.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but I’d say the final match was fast-paced and fun and put the onus on John Cena’s shoulders.

Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Sharmell? I choose Sharmell.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: John Cena

Best Spot: The parade of specials at the end of the Five-pack challenge.

Hatches: Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

Matches: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch retain their World Tag Team Championship; Chavo Guerrero retains his WWE Cruiserweight Championship; Santino Marella retains his WWE Intercontinental Championship; Montel Vontavious Porter retains his WWE United States Championship; Deuce ‘n Domino retain their WWE Tag Team Championship; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; Candice Michelle has the only title change of the evening, winning the WWE Women’s Championship from Melina for her first reign; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: We say goodbye to everyone: Batista, Bobby Lashley, Booker T, Candice Michelle, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cherry, CM Punk, Deuce, Domino, Edge, Jeff and Matt Hardy, Jimmy Superfly Snuka, Jimmy Wang Yang, John Cena, Johnny Nitro, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Mick Foley, Melina, MVP, Randy Orton, Ric Flair, Santino Marella, Sgt. Slaughter, Sharmell, Super Crazy and Umaga.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. I have done another one today because this is the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression section of this blog. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV (since WrestleMania 23). Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV – WrassleMania 23. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels (Summerslam 06), [REDACTED] Benoit (Survivor Series ’06), Joey Mercury (Royal Rumble 07), Stone Cold Steve Austin (WrestleMania 23).

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge and Shawn Michaels (Backlash 07), CM Punk and Elijah (Judgment Day 07), Batista and Edge (One Night Stand 07), John Cena (Vengeance: Night of Champions 07).

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… CM Punk and Elijah Burke!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell (Summerslam 06), Trish Stratus (Survivor Series 06), Victoria (Royal Rumble 07), N/A (WrestleMania 23).

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Mickie James (Backlash 07), N/A (Judgement Day 07), N/A (One Night Stand 07), Queen Sharmell (Vengeance: Night of Champions

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Mickie James because Queen Sharmell cannot win twice!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania (and the final PPV in this case), I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. This list is a bit shorter due to the fact that the shows have been so recent.

  • Andrew James Robert Patrick Martin AKA Test, March 17 1975 – March 13 2009; accidental overdose of oxycodone.
  • Christopher Michael Benoit, May 21 1967 – June 29 2009; hanging.
  • Edward Smith Fatu AKA Umaga, March 28 1973 – December 4 2009; heart attack caused by acute toxicity.
  • Harry Fujiwara AKA Mr. Fuji, May 4 1934 – August 28 2016; old age. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by Don “The Rock” Muraco.
  • James Reiher Snuka AKA Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, May 18 1943 – January 15 2017; unidentified terminal illness. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1996 by Don Muraco, though his profile is no longer available due to his alleged murder of Nancy Argentino in 1983.
  • Jonathan “Jon” Rechner AKA Balls Mahoney, April 11 1972 – April 12 2016; heart attack.
  • Lance Kurtis McNaught AKA Lance Cade, March 2 1981 – August 13 2010; heart failure caused by intoxication from mixed drugs.
  • Nelson Lee Frazier Jr AKA Viscera AKA Mabel AKA Big Daddy V, February 14 1971 – February 18 2014; heart attack.
  • Roderick George Toombs AKA Rowdy Roddy Piper, April 17 1954 – July 31 2015; cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Ric Flair in 2005.
  • Virgil Riley Runnels Jr AKA Dusty Rhodes, October 12 1945 – June 11 2015; a bad fall. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by his sons, Cody (Stardust) and Dustin (Goldust).

Closing Statements: I think that it’s only fair that I explain why I have decided to end this section of the blog at this PPV and it will come as no surprise that it is because of Chris Benoit. At the time of his death, professional wrestling had been an interest that had dwindled for me to a once-a-month event, more frequently if a match on Raw or Smackdown was highly gimmicked or was heard to be amazing. The only thing keeping me watching was – as I’m sure other fans were – the anticipation that if I stopped watching, I would somehow miss something amazing. Chris Benoit’s murder/suicide (although completely unrelated to storyline professional wrestling) stopped me watching for a while. As the details about the weekend of murders came to light, I realised that I could not watch a sport that allowed its employees to take such a punishment that would cause them to have brains in such disrepair that they could be brought to kill their son and wife. I still sometimes feel conflicted about it. The WWE, in fairness to them, took precautions to ensure that their employees are healthier today than they were back then. I feel that the wrestling now is better than it was in 2007 and even during the Attitude Era. Now, the wrestling is the best in the world and that is because the wrestlers are healthier and not taking chair shots every night. It’s a shame three people had to die for that to happen.

Attitude Era #13. King of the Ring (June 8, 1997) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: LOD were in a match with the Hart Foundation and no cunt sold.

Backstage, Mankind tells us he doesn’t feel like a million bucks and that Trips might have to drive a train into him to win tonight. He also drops a Lion King reference.

The two lads who open the doors at the entrance might very well be Matt and Jeff Hardy, I will wager. Mankind walks out, rubbing his neck and looking creepy. JR tries to put the Mandible Claw over by saying that it smells.

HHH comes out alongside our lady Chyna. She has a tattoo on her back, just over her left shoulder. I honestly never noticed that. Huh.

Cut to earlier tonight when Ahmed shouted at Chyna, was Pearl Harboured by Trips and lost his match. Chyna is standing mid-ring, staring at Mankind. Trips gives him a wee bow like a big bollocks. The ref tells Chyna to fuck off and the bell rings.

King of the Ring Final: Mankind vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Chyna).

JR is telling us that Mankind’s neck is sore, which is probably true. Is this going to be the storyline here? Mankind has a bit of a crook in the old neck? JR follows it up with asking, “What’s harder to believe? King Mankind or Queen Chyna?”

Nothing is happening in the ring. JR is bigging these two up, saying both men have incredibly high IQs. JR name-checks the dude – Dude Love. Mankind has turned face by this point and is on his way to super-duper-stardom. Right now, however, the match is the drizzling shits. Nice bit where Mankind Irish whips Trips into the ropes, goes for the Claw and Trips rolls out of the ring. Cerebral Assassin. Some smelly ECW mark on the hard cam.

JR mixes in stories about Mick Foley’s life here and there. Interesting how they’re mixing the kayfabe – that Mankind is a deranged, psychopathic man – with shoot – that he is a guy named Mick Foley who has wrestled under the names of Mankind, Dude Love and Cactus Jack. JR makes a reference to Mankind getting low blowed and his voice raising an octave afterwards. He explains it. Vince already got it.

The pace is quickened as Trips takes over. Lovely swinging neckbreaker and attacks to the neck. The pace is slow and the most exciting part of this match is the commentary. Trips knocks Mankind right on his hole. The crowd are dead at this point. No chants. No nothing.

Trips knocks Mankind down and he crawls right to Chyna, who bops him. Mankind low blows Trips with his heel. Mankind goes to hit Trips on the ropes and gets caught in a hangman – the very move that lost him his ear. He escapes – losing his mask in the process – and Trips baseball slides him. The crowd is still dead. There’s a chant of some description starting. Lovely knee drops to the back of Mick’s head. A chant starts up! Finally! What is it?

Boooooring! Boooooring!

Oh. Well that is very disappointing, Rhode Island!

Pin attempt by Mick after he drops Trips on the ropes. Botched double-legged-nothing from both men. The match is ten minutes old by this point and nowhere near the end, it seems. Mick drives the knee into Trip’s face. Lovely wee sign in the crowd that says, “Chyna! Beat me!”

Trips does a Shawn Michaels spot in the corner and turns himself inside out. Tree of woe and a punch to the face. Both men go out and Trips takes a back body drop bump on the concrete. Fucking idiot. Mankind follows it up with an elbow drop. Both of them are morons. Double-arm DDT from Mankind. He gets the pin but Chyna has the referee distracted. When he returns for the three-count, Trips kicks out. How convenient. Trips attempts a Pedigree, but it’s countered. Trips turns it into a sunset flip but Mankind hits the Claw. The crowd are excited! The crowd are-

Oh, it’s okay, don’t stand up, guys, Chyna just dragged Mick out and killed the pace. Trips rips the mask off Mick and goes to the top rope. Mick hits the Claw up there and gets a thumb to the eye. Lovely inverted atomic drop to Trips and a pin attempt but no dice. Mick clotheslines Trips over and Chyna is watching the ref carefully. Mankind goes for another elbow and bops his head off the barricade. The ref is jawing off to Chyna and Trips takes the time to put the Mickster on the announcer’s table and Pedigree him through. It does not break as convincingly as it should. Mick is up, though, giving it the LOD selling, tossing chairs about. Chyna is up, with her steel sceptre, hitting Mick on the back with it. Trips knees Mick off the apron and he lands on a photographer. Ha!

Trips rolls Mankind into the ring, goes for the smug pin but Mick kicks out! There is a tiny pop. Another Pedigree in the ring and Trips finally gets the pin.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley has pinned Mankind. The winner of this match in 19:26 and 1997 King of the Ring is Hunter Hearst Helmsley!

2017 comments:

Jesus, Mick. What possessed you to think you could go twenty minutes in any match, never mind the second match of the night? It was fifteen minutes of shite and five minutes of car-crash wrestling. I had to listen to Vince talk, Mick. Vince!

1997 comments:

Twelve out of ten.

Grade: C.

JR says Mankind looks like he’s been in a car wreck. Just wait, JR. Just wait, one year. You’ll soon see what a car wreck looks like. Trips shouts at Todd Pettingill. JR calls Chyna a Jezebel! Is this the first time he uses that phrase? Perhaps. Todd announces that Trips is the new King of the Ring and gives him his robe and crown. He gets Chyna to put the robe on and then beats Mankind with the crown. He’s a reeeeeeal piece of shit.

Big boos for the blueblood. Vince warns us that we should get used to calling him King Trips. Probably not true.

Mankind rolls down the aisle after the heels.

Promo for the upcoming Shawn Michaels/Stone Cold match. It started when Michaels was coming back from his injury and was in a tag team match versus Owen and Bulldog. They worked well together until Bret turned up and the Hart Foundation kicked the shite out of everyone. Austin left Shawn and beat on Bret. Lots of ego in the room with the two Texans. The narrator asks us if this match was set up by Bret. Because he’s known as a Machiavellian trickster.

Back in the arena and we see JR and Vince sitting by their broken table as they wank off Mankind a bit more.

Bret’s music hits and down he comes to do commentary. Behind him, Flyin’ Brian Pillman is swiping at fans. Owen and Anvil are there too with Bulldog. Faith No More Guy AKA The Dude is in the crowd. Bret tells the crowd to shut up. He tells us that he’s no longer a cripple or invalid. Bret hates promos and he’s not very good at them. He’s constantly correcting his lines. He introduces the rest of the Hart Foundation (only one of them who is actually a Hart) and he calls them The Hart Foundations. With an S. Cut to the crowd where two kids are holding an Austin 3:16 shirt and one of them is wanking himself off. Classy.

Bret issues a challenge to any five wrasslers in the WWF to come to Calgary for Canadian Stampede and take on the Hart Foundation. He issues this because it’s payback time. He reckons people will pretend to be injured. He then calls it, “In Yer Haise” and slags America. There’s no way back, forever. What a shitty, shitty promo. Shame on you, Bret Sergeant Hart.

Vince gives Bret his headset. People start pushing and shoving. Earl Hebner appears in a suit and Gerald Brisco is there, too, shouting at Bret. Someone behind them has spelled Hart Foundation “Heart Foundation” on their sign. Brian Pillman picks up a lamp and points it at people. It’s all very weird. JR is telling everyone that the Hart Foundation should be taken to jail, arrested. It’s not a lot of fun to watch and very confusing. It’s realistic, yes, it looks real, but it doesn’t look fun.

Backstage, Stone Cold and Dok Hendrix are chatting. Both Austin and Michaels are Tag Team champs. He does mention that he gets more money as a champion. He strolls off and Vince wonders why he is so popular despite the fact that he’s an awful bastard. He leaves to go on his way to the arena and walks into the Hart Foundation, shouting at them. He walks straight into the arena. Smashing glass. Big fucking pop.

What a lad. He’s jawing off to Irish Referee Tim White. Cut to a replay from earlier where he tosses Brian Pillman down the loo.

Backstage, Dok and Shawn talk about the match despite the fact that they’re champs. Shawn jumbles his words and walks off because he’s ballooned off his tits, allegedly. Dok tells us that it’s the craziest King of the Ring that he’s ever been involved in. Debatable.

Cute little kid in the crowd. We get a big shot of the King of the Ring doormen. It’s not the Hardys after all. Shawn comes out and raises one hand, hits his Sexy Boy pose in the aisle. Shawn looks so high. He keeps getting grabbed by fans. That’s cool. They’re allowed to do that, I suppose. He hits the sexy boy pose mid-ring and stumbles around, winged. The bell rings as both men square off.

Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels.

Stone Cold’s back is to the hard cam and the pair are having a jaw wag. Stone Cold is pushing Shawn’s hips for a bit and the bell goes twice more before they even lock up. Lovely run of the ropes and a shove down by Austin. He gives Michaels the double birds and shouts at the crowd for a while. Austin shouts at the crowd, calling the ref over. Shawn walks outside and over to a gaggle of security guards who are pinning down a… kid with Downs Syndrome? Ah, lads.

Stone Cold stops this lovely moment, however, by strolling over and beating on Michaels. The pair of them battle in the ring and Shawn gives Austin the double bird, rocks outside and helps the Special Olympian who has fallen over the barricade.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: There are differing reports about this, but apparently members of the Special Olympics were in attendance at the show – and were apparently introduced earlier in the PPV but it doesn’t appear on the DVD I have – and this young man, a fan of Shawn, jumped the barricade to stick up for his hero. Fair play to him.

Stone Cold holds the ropes for Michaels but pops in before Shawn gets to the apron. Lovely arm twists from Austin and the pair twist each other about for a bit before a headlock takedown drops to a lovely rest hold. Austin picks Michaels up, runs him to the corner and Michaels runs up the turnbuckle, drops to a takedown, runs the ropes and is hit by Stone Cold, who hits the Sexy Boy pose mid-ring. Lots of chain wrestling and reversals. JR talks about the lads trainers and fathers, all big, respected men. Michaels goes for a Lou Thesz press, gets caught into an Atomic Drop and jumps out to pelt Michaels in the face with a big old punch.

Stone Cold suplexes Michaels in off the apron but it is reversed into a pin attempt. Mankind reportedly refuses medical attention backstage. The dope. Stone Cold pops outside the ring, threatens to leave and goes back to the ring. He offers a show of strength to Michaels, calls him a chicken, gets Michaels in the gut, shouts at him and Irish Referee Tim White asks if Michaels would like to quit. He does not.

JR reminds us that Stone Cold bust his lip last year. Big back body drop and no one gets pinned. Austin hits the ropes and knocks a cameraman onto his hole. Shawn has a bit of a rest, holding Austin’s arms. Big Thesz press and JR calls these boys “the new generation”. Lots of pin attempts and wraps and chain wrestling. This is stuff you’d never see from Stone Cold after his big injury. Shawn is tossed outside and they have a chat as Stone Cold beats him on the apron, knocking him into the barricade. Stone Cold removes the mats on the outside to expose the concrete floor. He tosses Michaels onto the barricade. Austin enters the ring and rolls out again. He and Michaels exchange punches outside. Michaels goes facefirst into the steel steps and Austin Gorilla presses him onto the concrete. JR tells us that Stone Cold could care less about the crowd and would be happy wrestling in an empty building as long as he was getting paid.

In the ring, Michaels hits a roll-up and Austin goes to Bret’s rope – the most dangerous rope – and hits the Bionic elbow. He kicks out and he and Austin jaw off for a bit. Austin lifts the legs onto the ropes like a real piece of shit as he clinches in the old sleeper hold. Irish Referee Tim White sees the ropes shaking but wily Austin is too fast. He’s… he’s a snake. A rattlesnake. From Texas. Tim White sees Austin cheating and JR tells us that Austin is loved and revered for cheating. Austin is tossed out by Michaels and leans against the barricade. Shawn hits a baseball slide and JR tells us that Shawn fans are high-pitched and Austin fans have a bit of bass to their voices. Austin gets given a suplex from the apron and both men go down. Shawn kips up and Austin is up to. Back-body drop to Stone Cold and an Atomic Drop. Austin sidesteps a spear and Shawn’s arse is in the air as his shoulder goes into the turnbuckle. Austin pulls Shawn’s trunks and exposes his hole.

Michaels gets turned inside out on the turnbuckle and Irish Referee Tim White takes a bump. Austin catches Michael’s Sweet Chin Music and hits the Stunner but the ref is still down. He stuns the ref, the bastard, and eats a Sweet Chin Music. A new ref pops in, doesn’t do the pin and instead checks on Tim. Nice man. The second ref eats a Sweet Chin Music. Austin finally kicks out. Shawn is quite angry. A third man – Earl Hebner – comes in and gives off to both men, double disqualifying both men. Austin goes to get the belts, tries to hit Shawn with the belt and more refs appear to break up this nonsense.

The match has ended in a double disqualification in 22:29.

2017 comments:

Easily the best match of the PPV so far, not because of its tremendous quality, but simply because the rest of the PPV was a slog.

1997 comments:

All the referees!

Grade: B.

It all falls apart in ring as the competitors shout at each other. People are throwing things into the ring and the crowd are chanting, “Bullshit!” They leave together with Gerry Brisco behind them.

On the Card will return on June 29 2017 with the fourth and final part of King of the Ring 1997.

Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Fucking pudding, man.

The cage begins to slowly lower. Ominous music plays. Maggle introduces the match and Cunt JBL is a cunt for a while.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: At the time of writing, #FireJBL is trending on Twitter. Close followers of this blog will know that I am not a Cunt JBL fan and news that Mauro Ranallo (a far superior announcer to anyone else on the current WWE announcing team outside of Austin Aries and Corey Graves) is leaving due to a bout of depression brought on by bullying from Cunt JBL (Ranallo is bipolar as well) is heartening and tragic. Heartening because fans are finally moving away from the strange, sophomoric and archaic culture that wrestling has had over the past century – mean ribs, hazing, backstage bullying etc. – and tragic that WWE will obviously want to save face over this and likely keep Cunt JBL and hope that the story dies down. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is that WWE has its “Be A Star” anti-bullying initiative and this may force their hand. Unfortunately, this may only involve Cunt JBL leaving the announcing team (which is fantastic in and of itself) and he may continue to work in a backstage capacity, which is keeping him close and on the payroll but removing him from the spotlight. WWE might want to do this because Cunt JBL is a cunt and will likely go straight to the rrrrragsheets, brother, and sell stories from backstage to the highest bidder. Stories have been uncovered (or should I say REuncovered as many of them were known well before now especially by fans of the politics of wrestling) of Cunt JBL’s backstage bullying – homophobia regarding Chris Kanyon, soaping Edge’s arse in the shower, wrestler’s court etc. – and now a bigger audience is privy to the backstage culture that all wrestling, not just the WWE, needs to get away from. Phew.

So the fuckin’ cage is still coming down, I guess. Edge is a heel and Batista is face. They had a bad match last time, hopefully this will be better.

Cut to a promo where we see Edge beating Kennedy and cashing in the Money in the Bank to defeat Undertaker and take his championship. Teddy Long tells him that he will defend the belt against the winner of a #1 Contender Match. The winner is our boy Batista and his grumpy face. Edge slags Batista for losing at Judgement Day.

Back in the arena, we are told the rules of the steel cage match. We all know it.

Edge’s music – fuck sake, Fed – plays and the champion comes out first with farty pyro and a lovely shot of a Gilette car. Gots to get those sponsors in, huh? He stands in the ring.

Batista’s music hits and out comes Grumps McGraw himself, doesn’t go to either side like he usually does, instead he walks down, does his gatling gun pyro, looks at the steel cage for a wee while, and walks in. Cunt JBL and Maggle consider that Batista’s leg might not be as injured as it was on Judgment Day. Both men square off and the bell rings.

Steel Cage match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Edge just sprints right for the door as soon as the bell rings. Batista has him, drags him away and tosses him into the corner. Edge takes the time to climb up but is pulled off the wall by Batista. Edge takes an Irish Whip into the corner followed by an elbow. A second Irish Whip and Edge uses the momentum to scale the cage and gets on top of the turnbuckle as Edge falls back and rolls onto the apron. Camel Clutch in the middle of the ring, break back, make humble. The crowd bay for Batista. He actually covers Edge mid-ring. You can win a cage match by pinfall or submission but I have rarely seen it outside of a two-out-of-three-falls match or an elimination match. Edge climbs again and Batista removes him from the side of the cage like a spider being swept down a plughole. Lovely suplex from Batista. Another pin. Fail.

Batista finally attempts to climb the cage and it is Edge who takes him down with a dropkick to the knee. Batista falls, stalls on selling, oversells and gets a spear to the gut. Edge hits a lovely baseball slide. Pin attempt and Edge does not win.

Edge crawls to the door, attempts to escape but Batista drags him back in, literally. Edge fights back, goes to the turnbuckle, removes the ring rope padding and attempts to drive Batista’s skull into the steel. Batista lifts Edge, who escapes and hits the Edge-O-Matic. Edge crawls to the corner, gets to the tippy-top and Batista grabs him, gives him some lovely punches and a great superplex into the middle of the ring. Pin attempt and Edge kicks out. Batista starts to climb up not and the crowd go bananas as he gets to the edge and Edge himself is up, fighting back. Batista tosses Edge off, goes – stupidly – for the top-rope-nothing and Edge hits a missile dropkick. The crowd chants, “Bah-tee-stah!”

Both men run at each other, going for the spear/shoulder block. Cunt JBL considers the difference between being hurt and injured. Batista is up, ramming Edge into the cage wall and follows it up with a clothesline. Kick to the face from Edge and Batista hits the spinning Bossman Slam. Fair play. Pin attempt and fail. Edge attempts a dropkick but Batista swats it away. Catapult into the cage followed by a roll-up and Edge is still in it. Batista tosses Edge back into the cage wall and Edge is bust open. Batista is finally thrown into the exposed turnbuckle and a Spear to a very, very close pin attempt. Maggle asks, “Can you believe the punishment these two men have endeared?”

Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge jumps off, exposing his black thong as he does so. Edge falls onto the cage wall, crawls halfway over and Batista is up, dragging him back in, over the lip. Edge hits two low blows and Batista falls onto the ropes, wishboning himself. Edge climbs over but Batista is crawling for the door. Batista’s hands are on the floor when Edge plummets to the ground.

Edge has escaped from the cage, retaining his World Heavyweight Championship in 15:39.

2017 comments:

Actually a really good match. I didn’t expect it to be. The beginning was okay and the end was quite nice but the middle bit was the best wrestling I’ve seen in a while.

2007 comments:

Edge wears a thong, I guess.

Grade: A.

Edge escapes, “cowardly as ever,” says Maggle Cole.

Batista has a wee huff.

Cut to outside the arena where JR asks, “can we endure this extremeness one night a year?” Yes. Yes we can.

Promo for the drizzling shits that is our main event – Cena and Khali. Reminder of their awful match at Judgment Day, a match that Cena tried his hardest at but Khali shit the bed as usual. Khali tapped out and – lo and behold – he says about his leg being under the rope, something that I mentioned last month. The cheeky rascal. Cena wants a rematch, though, for some reason, and it’s a falls-count-anywhere match. Khali and Cena stood off at Saturday Night’s Main Event where Khali beat Cena. So they have traded wins.

Justin Roberts tells us that this match can only be won by pinfall, but the pinfall can be anywhere in the building. So that means they can’t pin each other in the parking lot, I guess. Khali comes down and his music is shit and no one cares. The announcers attempt to put his height over. They put over the fact that he has never been pinned and that is the only way to win this.

Then John Cena comes out and the building loses its shit. He’s a great lad, isn’t he? Justin Roberts rocks his, “Jeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaahn Ceeeeee-naaaaaaaaaah,” line as the doctor of thuganomics stares at the challenger and does not take his eyes off him even as he throws his hands up for the end of the first verse.

Falls Count Anywhere match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.

Good thing the champ came out second here. Cena circles Khali and gets a boot in on him. He purposely keeps himself lower so that Khali looks far taller. Khali catches Cena’s leg and knocks him down, follows him around the ring, raining attacks down on him. Kids chant for Cena. The volume is raised. JR says that Khali has a “setlist of moves,” which is akin to saying that Cunt JBL has “a range of emotions.” Khali puts all his weight on Cena’s head. Big boot and down goes our man Face Cena. Khali boots on Cena’s head for a while. What a main event. Super Cena jumps up for the next spot as Khali boots him in the head. Again.

Khali lifts Cena up for the bodyslam and holds him there for a decent amount of time. Khali attempts the leg drop and Cena rolls away. Despite this being a falls-count-anywhere match, they have stayed mid-ring. Cena hits the sunset-flip-stunner and goes top rope for some reason. Khali punches Cena and then shoves him off the turnbuckle, something which Cena did not seem to realise was going to happen. Khali puts one boot on Cena’s chest for the pin. Cena kicks out and Khali throws him on an announcer’s desk. Khali calls for the chop but Cena blocks it, catches it and is tossed over the guardrail into the crowd. Oh, so here is the “anywhere” part of the “falls count anywhere” stipulation. Khali tosses Cena into the sound desk and Cena cracks him with a monitor. He builds up steam and attempts the FU but fails.

We know that the FU is coming, we just don’t know when… or where!

The pair fight towards the titantron with a lovely red wash on them both. Cena is crawling away from Khali slowly. Khali is jawing off to the crowd. Cena hits Khali with the camera arm and goes for the cover but Cena kicks out. Cena, once again, goes for the FU but cannot get it. There is a truck backstage and Khali tosses Cena on it easily. It’s a crane truck thing. Khali climbs up and shouts at the crowd. The crane camera is all twisted. Cena escapes a chokeslam, lifts Khali and tosses him off the crane for the FU and the pin.

John Cena has pinned The Great Khali to retain his WWE Championship in 10:30.

2017 comments:

Needed to be more choreographed. Khali is not good enough to do anything less than total choreography.

2007 comments:

I hope this is the last Khali match.

Grade: C.

Not as bad as I feared, but still pretty bad. Cena rocks back to the ring to hot dog and grand stand.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but Batista and Edge had a great match, much better than I had expected it to be.

Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Maria for the pudding match? No.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Batista and Edge.

Best Spot: Rolling Thunder to snap powerslam from Randy and RVD.

Hatches: Santino Marella!

Matches: The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Bobby Lashley finally legitimately regains his ECW World Championship for the 2nd time; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: Last time we said goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit but it appears that his final PPV appearance was actually as a lumberjack, though that doesn’t count as he did fuck all. For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to Charlie Haas, Chris Masters, Elijah Burke, Kane, Marcus Cor Von, Mark Henry, Matt Striker, Rob Van Dam, Shane McMahon, Shelton Benjamin, The Great Khali, The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Vince McMahon and the other Lumberjacks: Val Venis, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Dude Thorn and Kenny Dykstra.

Closing Statements: I thought it was going to be the worst thing because they were still appropriating the ECW name but making it WWE, but it wasn’t that bad. It really wasn’t.

On the Card will return on June 24 2017 with the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression blog, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007.

Attitude Era #13. King of the Ring (June 8, 1997) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: The Kind was there, so it was shite.

Backstage with Todd and Flyin’ Brian Pillman with his mental eyes. Brian rips on Stone Cold in barely comprehensible promo asking for the Boy Toy to violate the Rattlesnake. Stone Cold sneaks up from behind and batters Pillman, closes a mesh door and sticks Brian’s head down the toilet, shouting the entire time. What a lad.

Nation of Domination rock out with their amazing theme song. Old Clarence Mason is there with Crush and D’Lo Brown, blessed be their names. I love how Crush is the only white guy there. And I love how the Nation have two matches this evening as well. JR tells us that Crush’s tattoo is a Hawaiian symbol… a declaration of war.

Then Goldust comes out… but he doesn’t initially have his Shattered Dreams filter on. Marlena is there with him and the crowd love her. She’s just terrific. Terri-rific. Oh yes. I went there. Terri is rocking the cigar as Goldie removes his fluffy Ric Flair gown. JR tells us that Marlena and Goldust are not the Brady Bunch. No. No, they are not. Goldust is rocking the new facepaint and, once again, the bell rings before Crush is even in the ring.

Crush (with D’Lo Brown and Immigration Clarence Mason) vs. Goldust (with Marlena).

Crush lays the boots and fists into Goldust, throwing him out of the ring. JR tells us that Crush has respect for no one, judging by his (legit) police report. Goldust bounces Crush’s head off the ring steps and pops into the ring to lay the slaps onto his opponent. JR tells us that Pillman is suicidal! What the heck?

Ten-punch in the corner with theatrics, which involves Goldie touching himself and then forcing Crush to touch him. Lovely neckbreaker from our perverted Hollywood critic. Shot of Marlena looking lovely. The pace has slowed down. Crush tosses Goldust into the corner and our man hits it with some slap. Lovely belly-to-belly followed by stomps. I love both these men, they come across as great competitors, willing to put on a good show regardless. I’m obviously a huge Goldust mark. Crush bops Goldust in the kidneys and JR name-checks Stan The Man Stasiak, another favourite of mine.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Stan “The Man” Stasiak is the father of Shawn Stasiak, known as Meat. He is now a chiropractor and motivational speaker, would you believe it? He is another favourite, although I don’t really know why.

Lovely backbreaker from Crush and pin attempts that fail. JR mentions our man Dusty Rhodes, Goldust’s father. Great lad, baby.

Rest hold city from Crush on Goldie. JR and Vince take the time to wank off the Fed for a while. Crush does a great arse-bump on Goldust followed by another. Despite these two men being amazing, the pace has slowed to a crawl. Goldust, according to Vince, in “obvious pain”. It’s Gorilla Monsoon’s birthday, or a few days afterwards at least. He’s at home, not well, though he would live for another two years or so yet. My favourite spot as Goldust’s hand is raised and dropped three times and on the third, he fights back. The crowd chant his name. Crush goes for a third arse-bump and Goldust spins, cracking him in the balls. Big pop. Goldie’s shirt is open. Running of the ropes and Crush shows amazing strength as he lifts Goldust up for a Gorilla slam gutbuster. Goldust kicks out.

A lovely elbow from Crush followed by a Vulcan Nerve Pinch. Goldust throws Crush to the ground, shouts, “Come on!” and does a Shane-O-Mac-style chops, followed by crotch grab.

Outside the ring, Immigration Clarence Mason and D’Lo Brown corner Marlena. Goldust stands behind D’Lo, arms crossed, as the crowd warn them that he is behind them. Goldust fights them off, gets Crush into the ring and hits the Curtain Call for the win.

Goldust has defeated Crush by pinfall in 9:56.

2017 comments:

Goldust and Crush do their best. Both are great lads.

1997 comments:

I tell you what, I can’t get enough of this Gold fellow. He’s top class.

Grade: C.

Not a great match and no real storyline either. He attempts to lift Marlena, gives up halfway through and the pair snog the face off each other. Tomorrow, Goldust will be taking part in a European Championship match… but why wasn’t that on the PPV? Monday Night Wars, brothers. Oh, and the European Champ is Bulldog and he’s booked for the next match.

Backstage, we have the Roidy Magoos, Legion of Doom and Brock Samson himself, Sycho Sid, along with Fabulous Freebird, Dok Hendrix. Hawk, the less roidy of the two, tells us that revenge is a dish best served cold and by-diddly-do-squat, they’re serving the coldest dish in town. Not a great start to their culinary careers, but hey, if it’s turtle soup then it’s served cold anyways. I’ve watched Batman. Animal roars out for a while, turns to Sid and says he’s a weak link. Sid tells us he’s the ruler of the world and then hushes for a while and no one can hear what the fuck he’s saying.

Off to Todd Pettingil, Dok’s brother from another mother, who is standing with the Hart Foundation: Slammy-Award-winning Owen Hart, Natty Daddy Jim The Anvil Neidhart and British Bulldog. Owen and Bulldog are Intercontinental and European champs respectively and are holding their gold. Bulldog batters through about five different accents and forgets his lines because he’s a dope. Owen tells Todd to hold his Slammy so that all the people…

He doesn’t finish his line.

Owen tells LOD that they have lovely facepaint but their Halloween outfits won’t beat family. Jim threatens Sid personally, telling him he doesn’t know crazy. He laughs and abruptly stops as the Hart music hits.

Out come the Foundation first, even though they’re champs (though not defending either belts this evening, robbing the crowd of a title defence). Owen has given Anvil a Slammy to hold. Bless him. Earl Hebner is getting a word from backstage and chats to Howard Finkel about something.

Ohhhhhhh. What. A. Rush.

LOD have a fucking terrific theme song. I love the pair of them, but they couldn’t sell water in the desert. We hardly get their theme before Halloween Sycho Sid comes out. He gets a pop, fair play to him. Some smelly mark in the front row has a “SID: RULER OF THE WORLD” sign. His music is not great but no one cares because he’s coked up and ready for a right. Vince verbally wanks off Sid for a while as his SID pyro pops behind him, covering the ring in a lovely golden shower.

The Hart Foundaion (Owen Hart, The British Bulldog and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart) vs. The Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal) and Sycho Sid.

I love how Sid keeps his big old hairy chest. No waxing for this young fellow-me-lad.

Animal and Owen are to start off. The crowd are chanting for LOD already. Animal lifts Owen up and gives him a wee toss.

But who gives a fuck? Goldust, Marlena and Crush are on the superstar line.

Owen and Animal have a wee chat as Owen stomps Animal in the corner and takes a lovely catapult into the corner followed by a beautiful powerslam. Sid is tagged in and marks out to himself. Eye rake as Sid attempted an arm twist but Sid knocks Owen down. Show of strength between the two men. Owen stops and tags in Bulldog, who shows his muscles, the big old burst sausage. Sid is pantomiming, showboating and hotdogging. Finally the two attempt a strength check but Bulldog lifts Sid for a delayed suplex. Sid punches Anvil and Owen before tagging in Hawk.

Anvil comes in then and stands against our boy Hawk. The two fail to sell with one another and Hawk actually rolls his eyes at Anvil. Hawk hits a clothesline, Anvil does not sell it and Animal pops in. Bulldog attempts to break it up and the crowd bay for LOD. Sid is in and everyone beats up Anvil for a while. Hawk is back in and he and Anvil don’t sell some more. Bulldog is in – Christ, it’s the fucking revolving door of tags – and hits a piledriver on Hawk, who fucking no-sells it, the cunt.

Animal is in, then, Vince questions how they could kick out of a fucking piledriver and there’s a roshambo as people are thrown into steps and have a wee chair thrown at them. Owen slingshots Anvil into Animal. Great Aloha-Arn from Jim and Animal, broken up by Owen. JR makes a Stradivarius reference. Owen punches Animal and – you guessed it! – no selling at all at the bazaar. Hawk pops over and all hell has broken loose. Double clothesline from Owen and Bulldog on Animal. Bulldog goes to the corner but Animal is up, catching him mid-jump, going to the turnbuckle himself and getting superplexed off by Bulldog. Anvil is beating on Animal again for a while and then giving him a wee rest hold for a while. God knows the man needs a lie down after refusing the sale so much. Animal fights back, gets a wee knee to the gut for his effort and is tossed into the corner. Owen is Irish whipped by Anvil and hits a neckbreaker but Animal kicks out.

Animal gets jumped on and Tazzmissioned by Owen. The big man falls to his knees but Animal forgets to sell, jumps up, tags in Hawk, who bodyslams Owen, goes to the top rope, misses, gets his own bodyslam from Bulldog, held by the ankle and is chicken-winged by Bulldog and Owen. Anvil is in, Animal knocks them down. Sid strolls in, cleans house and it’s a schmoz. Earl has no fucking control over the match. Big chokeslam from Sid and he goes for the powerbomb -giving Bulldog a lovely wedgie in the meantime – but Owen gives him the sunset flip off the top rope and gets the pin.

Owen Hart has pinned Sycho Sid. The Hart Foundation defeat the Legion of Doom and Sycho Sid in 13:37. Leet O’Clock!

2017 comments:

I cannot, in all conscience, recommend this match for the amount of ego floating around in it. Of all the men, the smallest one, Owen Hart, is the only one with any care for the fans. Real shame. I love LOD, but they love themselves a lot more.

1997 comments:

What a rush.

Grade: C.

The winners get the fuck out as quickly as they can. They even forget their belts. You can imagine that they were genuinely pissed off. Anvil is shouting at Earl as he walks away.

We see the King of the Ring table. Next up is the King of the Ring final with our man Mankind versus Triple H.

Cut to the best promo in wrestling history where Stone Cold shouts at Jake Roberts.

On the Card will return on June 22 2017 with the third part of King of the Ring 1997.

Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good old Hardys. Never miss a ladder match. Miss a lot of spots, though.

Cut backstage to Khali cutting a rambling promo on Cena in Punjabi. His translator gives his promo in English. It’s nothing to write home about.

Cut to the ring where Tony Chimel is introducing the Lumberjack Match, where twelve lads stand outside the ring and wait until someone falls out and they push them back in. [REDACTED] Benoit arrives, looking super pissed off that he is not competing. Behind him is Valentine Venis, Santino Marella, Balls Mahoney, Steven Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Thorn, Chris Masters, Johnny Nitro, Chavo Guerrero, Kenny Dykstra mit dead fox and Carlito. There is little craic from them. Stevie Richards jumps on Balls’ back.

Somebody gon’ get they ass kicked! It’s Mark Henry! He’s out, covered in butter or whatever. The announcers sell the fact that Mark Henry is the World’s Strongest Man. This is before Game of Thrones, I suppose.

Big fiery pyro and Kane rocks out, popping into the ring and squaring up to Henry after hitting the turnbuckle pyro.

Lumberjack Match: Mark Henry vs. Kane.

This is the first match of the card that allows pinfall or submission, so you know it’s going to be great. Kane and Henry circle each other and Henry tosses him out. The Lumberjacks scatter, no way are they going near the Devil’s Favourite Demon. Big slow, methodical movement as Henry is tossed out. The Lumberjacks surround him and get tossed away easily. Henry rolls back in and he and Kane beat each other in the corner. Henry rolls out and Kane goes with him. The Lumberjacks are keeping their distance as Henry tosses him into the ringpost. Henry rolls into the ring and the Lumberjacks pick up Kane and allow him to enter. Henry continues to attack Kane’s back with double axe-handle nothings and club-like punches. Kane fights back with his great big punches and Henry retaliates with a powerslam. First pinfall attempt and a fail.

Kane headbutts out man Henry and gets knocked down for his effort. Both men are really selling the fact that they are glass cannons here. Both attacks do lots of damage. The fear is not that either men are impervious, more that regardless of their defence, their attack is brutal. Kane attempts a Rock Bottom but his back is sore. Val Venis is hammering out a tune on the ring, really reacting to everything in the ring. Cunt JBL gives off because he doesn’t like fun. Big rest hold city mid-ring as Mark hugs Kane. Kane falls to the floor and pulls Henry out. Kane goes top-rope, jumps and hits a bowling ball spot as the lads go sprawling everywhere. Chavo and Kenny help Kane back into the ring and two monsters punch each other for a while. Miz and Stevie Richards shout at each other as Kane goes to the top rope again, knocking Mark down, hitting a lovely chokeslam but two lumberjacks jump in before the pin can be applied.

Kane one-hand-chokeslams Kenny and Mark gives Kane another bear hug. Kane is hurt, he’s passing out. The ref is imploring him to quit, but he’s not giving up. The ref stops the match.

The match has finished due to ref stoppage. Mark Henry is the default winner in 9:07.

2017 comments:

Meh. It’s a nice way to get both men over as powerful without it being a stalemate but to end with a bearhug? I mean, come on, guys.

2007 comments:

Do you think that Kane and Henry are considered… bears?

Grade: C.

Not a good bunch of matches so far, if I’m honest. Replays of the match.

Cut to Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin who are complaining about the loss of the match. Shelton and Jeff square off. Punches are thrown. People break it up. It’s a real to-do, I tell you what.

Cut to Bobbo Lasher and McMahon Street Fight promo. Back in Wrasslemania, Vince got his head shaved by Cunt President Donald Trump and Stone Cold. Vince blamed Bobbo and took his ECW championship, which was bound to hurt him badly. Bobby beat a handicap match but Vince refused to give his championship up and so another rematch was called. Vince didn’t actually want one, but Shane protected his father’s ego by accepting. Makes little sense… unless Shane is trying to screw over Vince… again.

Justin Roberts introduces the Street Fight and its lack of disqualifications… which all matches so far have had. AND THEN GOD DAMMIT WWE YOU BRING OUT THE CHAMP FIRST AGAIN.

Vince rocks out with Shane and Umaga. Sure why not? It is his birthday. It is not his birthday. They’re talking about it being a three-on-one handicap match and Umaga being the “Samoan Bulldozer”. I’ve no real fear of that because Umaga has lost his winning streak. He’s pathetic now.

Bobby’s music hits and there is a decent pop for Roidy Lasher. He hits his pyro, covers himself in golden sparks and walks to the ring, hitting hit massive jump and more turnbuckle pyro.

Street Fight for the ECW World Championship: Vince McMahon (c) (with Umaga and Shane McMahon) vs. Bobby Lashley.

Shane and Vince in the ring, Bobby runs to the ropes, does a suicide dive, botches by holding onto the rope and barely grazes Umaha, who sells like death. Shane is hammering on Bobby, who knocks him down and tosses him out onto Umaga. Bobby and Vince are alone and the crowd goes wild as he rains punches on Vince. Shane rocks in, is tossed out, Umaga comes in and takes over for a second, but is thrown into a corner. Shane comes in with a chair, Lashley gets rid of him, tosses the chair and is about to hit Vince with a Dominator when Shane and Umaga take over, hitting Lasher with a DDT on the chair.

It’s three on one now and the first few minutes are forgotten as the pace slows, the men beat up Bobbo and he attempts to build up some babyface fire. Double team Irish whip into Vince, who kicks him in the balls. The announcers make it clear that something might happen on the table by moving back and saying, “uh oh!” Vince takes… a hammer? Something from a dude by the side of the ring. It’s a bell hammer, apparently. He doesn’t hit Lasher with it, just chokes him with it. Vince then chokes Lasher with a wire. We are halfway through the match here, not one pin attempt, neither announcer is making that a big deal. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop and a pin attempt is finally made but fails.

Vince hits a sad, sad spear on Lasher but gets nothing from the pinfall. Why he doesn’t get Umaga and Shane to hold Bobbo down during a pin is beyond me. Crowd is dead. Bobbo is held down by the McMahons and Umaga goes for the splash. Bobbo, at the last second, does a sit-up, Vince gets squashed and it’s time to go home. Both Shane and Umaga are tossed out. Bobbo gets the chair, cracks Vince with it and hammers on his back for a while. The announcers say that this is legal and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Bobbo hits the Dominator, goes for the three but Umaga drags him out before he can get the pin.

Outside, Bobbo gets a chair after beating Umaga, but is knocked down. Umaga jumps to the floor from the apron and the announcer’s table is finally destroyed. Lashley is draped over the table, Shane goes to the corner and hits a lovely elbow that elicts, “Holy shit!” chants from the crowd. Bobby is thrown into the ring and a pin attempt is made and failed. Umaga rocks in to beat on Lasher in the corner. He rears back to hit the Rikishi arse-bump in the corner and Shane takes over with a trashcan, hoping to hit a Coast-to-Coast. No selling there from the younger McMahon. Bobby rolls out of the way at the last second, Umaga gets hit with the trashcan and Bobby gets his revenge with a spear once to Shane and then to Vince for the pin.

Bobby Lashley has pinned Vince McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 12:23.

2017 comments:

A nice wee revenge match for the Lasher. Not amazing, but plays to the strengths of each other competitors and makes Lasher look really strong.

2007 comments:

I never get sick of seeing the McMahons lose.

Grade: B.

Lashley spears Vince again in the middle of his music. Replays shown and Bobbo goes to the back with his belt.

Cut to Maria and Santino chatting in Italian. They get interrupted by Todd who reminds Maria that Candice Michelle and Melina are having a pudding match. Maria spouts gibberish for a while. She doesn’t answer the question. Candice Michelle turns up and hits her three lines. She asks for a kiss for good luck and Maria gives her one. Santino says he loves America and Ron Simmons says, “Damn”. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Cut to the “pudding”, which seems to be filmed from a hoody.

Candice Michelle comes out and some very embarrassed fans hold up some very sad signs.

Melina’s music hits and out she comes. Both women are in bikinis. Melina even has goggles. JR tries to shill the next PPV. Both women stand awkwardly. This is going to be a long segment.

Pudding Match: Candice Michelle vs. Melina.

Of course, this match is not for the Women’s Championship, which makes it a waste of goddamn time even more than it was before I knew the title wasn’t on the line. Candice puts one foot in the pudding, grabs Melina and tosses her in. The women rock in the pudding for a while, slide out and get told to get back in. Candice slips. Sexy pin on the outside. JR and Jerry wonder about the rules of the pudding match. Double axe-handle nothing. The guys are finding it hard to realise who is who. The crowd chant for, “Boring.” There’s a DDT into the pudding. Jerry puts the sexiness of the women over. Candice drowns Melina and she taps out, well, slaps the pudding.

Melina has tapped out or suffered drowning in the pudding. Candice Michelle wins in 2:55.

2017 comments:

I would normally complain about this because women’s wrestling etc. but this match doesn’t pretend to be anything more than nonsense, so, in way, it’s the most successful match on the card.

2007 comments:

I wonder is it pudding.

Grade: Nooooope.

Maria turns up. Let’s see what happens.

She congratulates Candice on her win, Melina tosses pudding and Maria dives in. Then the ref is dragged in. Melina escapes and someone’s music plays as the faces hug.

On the Card will return on June 17 2017 with the third and final part of One Night Stand 2007.