Ruthless Aggression #5: The Great American Bash (July 23, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: The quality has dipped with a Finlay match but rose a bit with a Fat Matt Hardy match.

We have a promo showing the Judgment Day shitfest of Khali vs. Taker. Apparently that win means that Undertaker’s 16-year legacy is dismantled. We see Khali ruin everyone around him and then challenge Taker to a… Punjabi Prison match. Because Punjab is an absolute third world hellhole with bamboo as its main export and… oh wait, no, the GDP for Punjab is $47 billion and it has the lowest State Hunger Index in the whole of India. It is also one of the most fertile lands in India and is an area the size of Costa Rica, yet supports almost five times the population of that island. Hmm.

In terms of selling, I suppose they’re doing a great job of making Khali look like a monster, except that any single person who watches a Khali match knows that he is the drizzling shits.

Cuts to Daivari bigging up Show and Khali. Teddy Long is not happy about this nonsense and switches the match up so Big Show is fighting Undertaker instead of Khali. JBL says it’s not fair. The Punjabi prison is “awe-inspiring” according to Maggle. It’s just an octagon within an octagon made out of bamboo. There are reportedly “spikes” of bamboo at the top to stop people escaping. Maggle announces the rules. The interior structure has 4 doors that can be opened by one of four refs. The outer structure has no doors but the only way to win is escape both structures.

Big Show comes out and looks scared. Maggle says Show might cry. Show genuinely looks concerned about this. Unlike a Hell in the Cell or Steel Cage matches, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of potential here for great spots unless some of the bamboo is weakened so that they can be burst through.

The lights fade and Undertaker’s music hits. Big Show noticeably flinches. Great selling on his part. Out comes the man himself from Death Valley, smoke crawling over the damn floor. Brilliant stuff. Of course, Taker takes about half an hour to get to the damn ring anyways, enough time for Show to dry off from his altercation with Taker only minutes ago. Show looks genuinely scared. I wonder if it’s because this is the first match of its kind? He knows he needs to be out there for a while and they can’t fast forward a match if there’s a mistake because the rules are laid out that the only way to win is by escaping, no pinfalls or submissions. There is a table ringside with bamboo weapons. JBL is not happy about this. Lights are back on but the music still hits as Undertaker takes his coat and hat off. Big Show is visibly shaking.

The Undertaker def. The Big Show via escape in 21:35.

Big Show wastes little time in beating on Undertaker as soon as he enters the ring. Taker is caught on the apron between the ring and inner structure. Crowd chant for Undertaker while Big Show beats Taker back and forth until the Deadman begins to strike fast as hell including a slap to Show’s belly. The announcers remind the listeners of the rules to the match. The doors remain open for one minute. That’s a lot of time to escape and neither Taker nor Show are fast enough for that to be a huge threat.

Show throws Taker into the corner. The two men take part in a lot of strike moves. Taker goes to climb over the structure. Big Show runs after him, even though he could easily just walk to one of the doors and say, “Here buddy, go and open that bad boy up for me,” and he could be out before Undertaker even got over. There are weird straps hanging from each of the corners and Show chokes Taker on one.

This is slow, very slow and boring. There is no story here, no threat in this match. Big Show beats on Taker a while. Why? He should be escaping. Taker gets Show onto the apron and the side visibly wilts as he leans against it. Taker batters Show, threatening to knock him through but Show catches him and goes for the chokeslam but Undertaker reverses it into a DDT. Taker asks for the door to be open and Maggle helpfully tells us – about five minutes into the match – that once the one minute timer runs out, that door will be forbidden to open for the rest of the match. But there are four doors… so do they have four chances left?

Show takes a whip down and beats on Undertaker as JBL answers my question: apparently you have a chance with each door and if you fail then you need to go over the top. Show tries to remove the turnbuckle pads and fails. The pair run the ropes and Undertaker jumps, knocking Show down. Undertaker goes for Old School but is, predictably, thrown off the top. Big Show calls for the door to open and laboriously takes his time. Undertaker kicks him in the head and the two men pull at each other for a while. JBL calls this match, “The greatest test,” in Undertaker’s career. The biggest test is, of course, if his career survives this shitfest of a match. Show fails to escape the second door and laments its passing.

More beating in the centre of the ring. I see a theme here. Show exposes the turnbuckle pad and bounces Taker’s head off it. He is bust open and Show headbutts Taker to bust him the hard way. The fans shout, “Big Show sucks!” and, once again, Maggle acknowledges it! It is his sad attempt at getting the heel over, but all it is doing is making Show look like a prick. Shameful. Big Show attempts to climb out of the inner structure. Idiot. Undertaker hits him with a low blow. Big Show is gassed. Taker goes to the top rope with Show and gets him into a superplex position. Slowly, the 800lbs of humanity hits the mat and the crowd chant, “Holy shit!” and both announcers sandbag it by not reacting in any way.

Undertaker is outside, Big Show is inside and, predictably, just escapes through the final door. Big Show sets the chair up and throws Taker into it. All the bamboo weapons have been thrown away. Big Show then chucks Taker back into the ring and the door closes. No doors left! Show is outside! What will Taker do? Show is on the outside cage, Taker is on the inside. Taker quickly scales the wall and steps over the outside one. The pair of them Spider-Man for a while until Taker swings on a rope and kicks Show down. Undertaker then leg drops Show onto one of the other tables. Both men are bleeding from the blading and Show is being beaten by Undertaker mercilessly.

Undertaker climbs the interior cage and Khali arrives to boos. Undertaker jumps from one structure to the other, knocks Show through the side of the prison walls and gets the win in a very long 21:35.

2016 comments:

Awful.

2006 comments:

Worse than awful.

Grade: D

Not worth the 20 minutes, being honest with you. Give it ten minutes and add in some actual psychology. Big Show on his knees, blood on his fists and forehead like some Christ analogy.

Cut to our man King Booker as Sharmell tells him he’s better than Alexander, Napoleon and Julius Caesar. Those three men didn’t have to fight Rey Mysterio. When Booker wins, he, of course, will be King of the World. He roars it a few times.

Cut to moustachioed Maggle and gormless JBL as they attempt to put the shitshow we just watched over. They fail.

Then it’s the bra and panties match… yaaaay. Kristal Marshall comes out and Maggle tries to explain the background to this. Brilliant exploitation match. Down comes Mrs. Undertaker herself, Michaelle McCool, in her teacher getup with ruler and glasses. Then it’s Jillian Hall! She’s the only one wearing trousers. Finally, we have Ashley Massaro, who is the only one who looks like a face. The women are standing in the ring looking as stupid as they feel, wishing this could be over… all except for Ashley, who is $250,000 richer than the others because she was on Diva Search a few years previous.

Ashley Massaro def. Jillian Hall, Kristal Marshall and Michelle McCool via disrobement in 5:17.

It’s the women’s match! The match that we should all be doing something else during because it’s 2006 and women in wrestling weren’t going to become entertaining for another eight years or so. Yet, the Fed, those bastards, confuse all the mysogynists in the audience by making this match one about both boobies and butts! Oh the amount of burst bladders from this confusing combination is sure to be embarrassingly high.

The women look at each other for a while and circle slowly. Then there are some good attempts at spearing and butts are shown. Ashley is the first to have her top off and Kristal shows it to the audience but Ashley knocks her out of the ring. Michelle comes behind her and gives her a brutal backbreaker. Jillian is in behind her, wrenching at Michelle’s clothes, hitting a body slam before going to the top rope. Jillian falls into the tree of woe and her top is removed by Jillian.

JBL asks if there is a time limit. No, but there should be. Michelle hits Jillian with a weak slap. JBL gives off that Maggle calls the women, “great athletes,” with, “who cares if they are great athletes? They’re hot!” Jillian and Kristal are Irish whipped into one another and quickly lose their skirts… but Michelle is wearing a second skirt! The wily minx! The pair then roll about for a bit. Jillian shakes her breasts for a while and gets Kristal into an attempt of a catapult as Ashley removes Kristal’s top, getting the win in 5:17.

2016 comments:

It is depressing that this level of shit was ever in wrestling. Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of smut as much as the next guy, but this carnival-style mud-wrestling crap is pathetic. The women are treated like objects, they are clearly wanting to get kudos in some way and never can. Give them an actual match, teach them how to sell, give them spots. I don’t care if the spots are a bit cheeky and we see their arses, but make it a wrestling match first and a titty fest second. Look at Lita. She’s a great wrestler who shows a bit of boob here and there. She is a wrestler first and a piece of meat second.

2006 comments:

You guys do realise the internet exists, right? It’s got all this stuff and better.

Grade: I refuse to grade this.

Gillian and Ashley shout mid-ring and both women celebrate… by disrobing each other. Awful. Maggle says, “This is what SmackDown’s all about!” Cunty.

On the Card will return on August 13 with the fourth and final part of The Great American Bash 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #2. Judgment Day 2006 (May 21, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Judgment Day 2006 had a great Booker T and Bobbly Lashley match. Everything is looking great.

Then Khali appears. Fuck everything about this.

The promo package bigs up the Undertaker a lot, as if he needs it. The man is a legend. Then comes Khali, a man who is quite tall, has a great big chest but only slaps Taker. We see Khali absolutely murdering everyone around him including Rey Mysterio, a very short man. Khali roars for a bit, making himself looks bestial in a… special way. He is not threatening in as much as you feel sorry for him.

His Titantron video is awful. It’s Khali’s face with flame in his eyes. Khali looks a bit like Roman Reigns, only with a bit of talent. The camera is all low-slung to make Khali look huge, not that he needs it. Big pause waiting for our man Taker. Then the bells toll, the lights go out and the crowd pops. Smoke everywhere as the Undertaker takes his stroll to the ring, avoiding the pyro this time. Maggle asks if the Undertaker’s spirit has been broken. Of course not. The man deals with death all the time. And you always need an undertaker. It’s good work. Even if the wrestling slows down, he can still bury people.

He enters the ring after about an hour or so. Him and Khali give each other a big, long look, stand toe to toe to show how much taller Khali is. The bell rings, finally.

The Great Khali w/Daivari def. The Undertaker via pinfall in 08:31.

I am tempted to write “it was shite” and be done with it, because even my memory, destroyed by age and video games, can remember this shitshow. There was a time when the Undertaker was a powerful force within the Fed, when he would fight the biggest and best. Mankind. Trips. Stone Cold. The Rock. Kane. All those men had mad skills, or at least had some in-ring ability when they faced the Phenom, but Khali… He looked the part, kind of, but was really nothing to write home about otherwise.

Taker dodges a punch and starts wailing on Khali. He gets thrown through the ropes like a damn ragdoll and takes his time going back into the ring. Khali winds up a shot with a pantomime spin of his fist. Undertaker once again dodges it and wails on Khali, only to be thrown through the ropes. The Undertaker gets back in, is stopped on the apron and gives Khali a stunner. He’s back in the ring, back in control and goes for an Old School, but Khali throws him off the top rope halfway across the ring. Khali is beating weakly on Taker, who is selling each punch like a chairshot. “Taker! Taker!” chant rises. Khali kicks and punches and clotheslines Taker. Khali walks outside and strolls about like a man who forgot his deodorant. Daivari is on the apron, distracting the ref, then jumps down to kick Taker for a while. Khali lumbers over to taker, keeping an eye on the ref, bodyslams Undertaker, makes a chopping signal with his hand, hits Undertaker, puts the foot on his chest and gets the two-count to minimal applause. Undertaker does his sit-up thing and beats on Khali some more.

Mean Mark is getting a decent amount of offense in and goes for another Old School, hitting it almost perfectly. Boxing jabs from Taker, but Khali barely moves. Undertaker dodges the clothesline, hits Khali with a jumping punch and Khali gets wrapped in the ropes. Daivari jumps in, distracts the ref and releases Khali. Taker goes for the clothesline, fails, and gets a boot from Khali for his effort. He sits up, gets another chop and a boot for the pin in 8:31.

2016 comments:

There was once a time when this was considered a good idea. There will never be a time when this would be considered a good match.

2006 comments:

Go away, Khali.

Grade: D.

Recap of the “best moments” of the match, which include a kick, a punch and a push through the ropes. Crap, crap, crap.

Promo for See No Evil, featuring Kane. We’ve all seen it, no point in recapping it.

The Phoenix Suns are also in the audience.

JBL vs. Rey Mysterio promo showing our man Rey defeating Angle and Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. Rey tells us that he’s loving every minute of his reign. Real babyface stuff. JBL heels it up, looking up at JBL, Mark Henry, Khali and Kane every attack being ineffective against the giants. JBL is a real cunt at the best of times, but now he’s being a supercunt. Of course you want Rey to win. He’s great.

JBL’s music hits and he comes out in his limo. It has cow horns on the front of it. Cow moos play through his theme music. JBL is the US champion and is not defending it tonight. He is also billed from New York, even though he has a super Texan accent. He calls for Rey to come out and shouts at the ref, as if it’s his fault. Finally, Rey’s music hits and the crowd pops so loud. Down he walks to the ring, weird croupier visor on, like he’s about to play a game of Hold ‘em in the ring.

Rey’s wife is in attendance and he goes to give her a wee kiss. Angie is a lovely woman and they are very much in love. Good man yourself, Rey. Maggle calls Rey “the greatest underdog in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment.” JBL is a little on the fat side here, which makes him all the more unlikeable, somehow.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rey Mysterio (c) def. John Bradshaw Layfield via pinfall in 15:56.

JBL pushes Rey to the floor and he springs up in a second. Very threatening. The crowd are chanting “619!” which is nice, but Rey is getting a lot of pushes from JBL. It looks like a child fighting a man, which is fine, but at no point do I think that fat JBL can be beaten by Rey. And Rey isn’t a tiny man, he’s pretty well-built and strong. JBL smacks on Rey’s back and, knowing JBL, they are as stiff as Val Venis. JBL is thrown into the ropes and Rey goes for the 619 but JBL moves away. Rey mounts the apron and hits JBL with a seated senton.

In the ring, Rey gets three fast two-counts in a matter of seconds. Rey will never be able to lift JBL us, so relies on strikes during his offensive segments. He gets JBL in the corner and baseball slides into JBL’s balls. He should be disqualified for that, or at least get booed for using heel moves, but he doesn’t. JBL gets Rey with a big boot and throws him into the steel ring steps, still clutching his JBLets. JBL throws Rey into the ring and the crowd chant for another 619, even though Rey is not in control at all. Very slow pace now. JBL makes some move for Rey’s wife. Bad show. Pin in the ring, but Rey kicks it.

JBL does an Eddie-style triple-suplex, dances like Eddie and is a general bastard. Rey is bust and JBL goes to Angie again, harassing her. Nice fallaway slam, though, JBL can do some decent moves when he’s facing someone who is, essentially, a child. JBL hits some nice old clotheslines and makes a kissy face towards Angie. Ref starts to count Rey out, who is super bust underneath his mask. As soon as he gets to his feet, JBL boots and pins him. Very close two-count.

Rey starts to get some offense in but is stopped by JBL’s eye poke. Maggle and Tazz wonder where the blood is coming from and how Rey got bust. Bradshaw gets Mysterio in a choke hold and my favourite spot comes up where the ref lifts and drops his hand three times. Before the third, Bradshaw goes for the pin and Rey kicks out to a thunderous pop. Rey is lifted up to the turnbuckle and fights back, only to hit a messy moonsault on JBL when he gets up. Once again, Mysterio is in control with a combination of kicks, lariats and strikes. He goes to jump on Bradshaw in the corner, but Bradshaw’s boot finds Rey’s nuts.

Rey takes control again, gets Bradshaw on the ropes and hits the 619. He goes for the springboard crossbody and hits the ref instead. JBL takes advantage, hitting Rey with a powerbomb, calling for a second ref and Rey kicks out. JBL goes mental, gets a chair and gets a boot from Rey for his trouble. 619 followed by Eddie-style frog splash and Rey gets the pin in 15:56.

2016 comments:

Despite my hate for JBL, he puts on a good show here being a total bastard. He’s a real old-school heel and he is very good at it. It’s not that I dislike JBL because of his heel antics, I dislike him because his in-ring persona is so similar to his out-of-ring persona. Rey is exactly the same, however, where his character is like how Rey is in real life – lovely and cuddly.

2006 comments:

That doesn’t make sense. Sure JBL’s twice the height and about three times the weight of Rey.

Grade: B.

Chavo Jr. pops into the ring to celebrate with Rey as we see the highlights. Rey looks fucked, properly damaged from that bust head. He won’t be getting many kisses tonight, anyways.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I know this is going to be controversial, but Benoit. He was a great man in that twenty-by-twenty squared circle.

Woman of the Matches: Sharmell, without a doubt. I know she didn’t actually wrestle, but she did a far better job than either Jillian or Melina.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Chris Benoit.

Best Spot: The Mark Henry faceplant onto the announcer’s table.

Hatches: Technically all of the wrasslers in the PPV are hatches as they appear for the first time on this blog, but none are legit hatches as they have wrestled in the Fed before now. Still, I will name them thusly: Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, Melina, Chris Benoit, Finlay, Jillian Hall, Gregory Helms, Super Crazy, Mark Henry, Kurt Angle, Booker T, Bobby Lasley, The Great Khali, The Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, JBL. The managers were Sharmell and Daivari with Crystal on interviews. Hitler Moustache Maggle Cole and Sunglasses Inside Tazz were announcers with Tony Chimel as ring announcer. Teddy Long was the General Manager.

Matches: Paul London and Brian Kendrick wins MNM’s WWE Tag Team Championship title and both Gregory Helms and Rey Mysterio retain. Booker T is the 2006 King of the Ring.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: Obviously not as good as the previous PPV, the Smackdown branded ones tended to be a bit weaker. Considering the depth of the roster, however, a lot of the matches were weak and felt like filler.

On the Card will return on June 11 with the ECW PPC One Night Stand 2006.