Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 6

Previously on On the Card: Kennedy and Bobby have a shite match.

Then The Miz’s music hits and Mike Mizanin rolls out, swaggers right on over to a stage by the entrance, calls the audience misfits and says that tonight is the first ever Divas invitational. In the ring already is ECW’s Extreme Expose. Layla and… two other women shake their booty for a while. This is embarrassing. Christ of almighty. This shite would not stand these days because the fans pay for wrasslin’, not bad stripping. To be fair, now, one of the girls does a backflip in heels. It turns out that it’s Kelly Kelly and the other charisma vacuum is Brooke. The crowd is dead.

Miz introduces Jillian from SmackDown. She has lovely breasts. She gets the mix and says that it is her big break. She’s going to wow the crowd and Hollywood executives who have come just to see her. She has written her own song. Crowd boo. She warms up. She shouts to the back to bring up the treble and bass. It is terrific. Terrific in its terribleness. She sings very badly. Good job. Miz interrupts her and makes a William Hung reference. She shits all over Extreme Expose and says they’re not good enough to be her backup dancers. She then shits all over all the other divas. Brilliant heat. She calls them all talentless bitches. Then Maria, Ariel and Candice come out. They beat on Jillian and there is a cat fight. It is embarrassing. Big boos as the officials come out. Fair play to the girls that there are no wardrobe malfunctions.

Music hits and its Ashley Massaro, the Playboy cover girl. Big pyro and a twenty foot cover of Playboy falls from the ceiling. She removes her top and she has Playboy bunny pasties over her breasts. Just like Sable! It’s a reference to something ten years ago. Ashley gets called the winner and she walks off. The rest of the Divas are angry. This is the darkest point in Wrestling history… so far.

2017 comments:

It was not a match. I just want everyone to know how disgusted I was by this bollocks.

2007 comments:

I have the internet, you know.

Grade: I wish I could have those ten minutes back.

Promo for the main event and reminder of the Royal Rumble match with Taker vs. Shawn as the last two men. We see Taker win for the first time, almost twenty years after his introduction. He chooses to battle Batista at Wrasslemania. Shawn then comes down and challenges Cena for his WWE Title. Michaels, Edge and Randy Orton fight, Michaels wins and is ready to fight Cena for the championship. Vince then makes the tag team match that we see tonight. Promo of the four men hitting each other.

Shawn still has his DX music for some reason. Why isn’t he a sexy boy? He comes out, giving everyone an epileptic fit with his intro. He doesn’t do his Sexy Boy pyro either. Ahhh here, Shawn. He just does crotch chops. Shameful.

Big pop for Cena. He comes down with two belts – Tag Team and WWE Championships. The announcer hits the lovely, “Jeeeeeee-aaaaaahn Ceeeenaaaa!”

Batista! He has a lovely intro. He runs to one side, he runs to the other, he goes centre stage, he spins, he slaps the ground and hits his ra-ta-ta-ta-ta pyro. World Heavyweight Champion Batista. He stands mid-ring, checks on the other lads in the ring and then the bell goes.

Big blackout in the arena. Funeral march and the Dead Man from Death Valley comes down to the ring, taking his damn time as he usually does. He hits big pyro. It’s quite impressive. He walks to the ring post, raises his hands, lights pop up and he surveys the others in the ring, removes his coat, pops off his hat, rolls his eyes and goes to his corner with big Grandaddy Batista. He is the only man stalking the ring and slips through the ropes to get the bell rung.

John Cena and Shawn Michaels def. Batista and The Undertaker via pin in 22:09.

No titles on the line, which is bullshit. Imagine if Cena and Michaels put the titles on the line and there was tag team dissention (a favourite spot and gimmick) on both sides. If Taker and Batista won, then the next weeks leading up to Mania would involve them defending the belts and continuing to work as enemies and after Taker defeats Batista at Mania, they would still need to defend the titles as a pair. It would also make Cena and Michaels more bitter at each other because their dissention led to them losing belts. If Cena loses at Mania, then he has two reasons to go after Michaels. It makes all four men absolute monsters and it means everyone goes over! Just put the fucking titles on the line!

I digress. Cena and Batista to start.

Cena and Batista lock up, Cena is thrown into the ropes and bounces back. Batista fires into Cena in the corner. Cena gives Batista the big right hands and attempts to Irish Whip Batista but the Animal hold him back. Lovely suplex, pin attempt, out in two. Batista goes into the ringpost shoulder first. Michaels is tagged in and gives Batista mega slaps. He has a wee chat to Michaels and the two men do a lovely inside-out spot on the corner followed by two great clotheslines. As Undertaker is tagged in, Michaels is pulling on Batista’s pants to show the Animals balls. Lovely.

Taker beats on Michaels, goes for Old School, chases away Little Naitch and tosses Michaels about like a ragdoll. Shawn fights back and goes up for a ten punch but pushes Michaels away. He returns twice to attempt the ten punch and fails. Pin attempt at Batista rocks in, slapping Michaels on the back for a while. Batista and Michaels share slaps and shoulder tags. Batista gives Michaels a scoop slam, giant elbow, Cena comes in to boos and cheers. Taker is tagged in and the Phenom and Face that runs the Place are both on. Lovely shoulder tackle and Undertaker attempts Old School again but Cena fights back to huge boos. Cena goes for the superplex and is knocked back. Cena jumps back up and hits the lovely superplex onto the Phenom.

Both men have a lie down for some white. Taker sits right back up and knocks Cena down. Michaels comes in after Taker’s giant elbow and  hits Taker with the jumping elbow, kips up, goes to pick up Taker but the Phenom has him by the throat. Lovely Gorilla press from Taker and Shawn is thrown out where Batista throws him against the steel steps. Taker goes outside to pick up Shawn and rolls him back in. Cena breaks up the pin and is chastised by Naitch. Batista gives Michaels a lovely snapmare and boot to the face but there’s a kickout. Shawn is carried to the corner and punched by Batista before Taker tags himself in. Taker catches himself on the top rope and Shawn is down. As Taker picks him up, Shawn fights back. Cunt JBL keeps saying that this is the only time we’ll see this. Good. It’s not amazing. Lovely sidewalk slam from Taker and Batista is in. Great clothesline followed by a second and third. Bastista goes for a wee rest hold on Michaels and the two of them lie down for a while. Then they’re up and Michaels is fighting back, punching and hitting Batista for a great DDT. Cunt JBL is now having to commentate on his own and it is a sad state of affairs. Michaels hits the hot tag to Cena and he batters the shite out of Batista, goes top rope, hits a lovely leg drop and Taker jumps in. Cena hits the jumping shoulder barge, knocks Taker out and hits the sit-out powerbomb to great boos. Five knuckle shuffle and Batista is about to get an FU but Taker breaks it up.

Shawn and Taker scramble to the outside. Taker catches Shawn mid-air. In the ring, Batista hits a scoop-slam, is about to give Cena the Batista Bomb but Shawn saves him by battering Batista in the leg. Shawn is in, hammering on Batista and when the ref’s back is turned, so does Cena. Cunt JBL is talking away. He will not shut up! Cena goes for the pin, gets two. Cena hits a lovely clothesline, goes for the pin but Taker leans over and pokes him in the face. Shawn is in, Flair chopping Batista and hits the enzurgi but Batista kicks out! Both men have a wee sit down for a while. Front face lock and Batista is aiming for the hot tag to Taker. He lifts up Michaels, drags himself to the corner but Cena is tagged in and Batista is bust! When did he blade? Did he blade? Was it a legit hardway? It must have happened during the front facelock but camera angles sucked then, possibly on purpose!

Cena gets Batista in the front facelock and Batista goes to tag… but is trying to tag in Michaels! Shawn pops Batista and Cena hits the STFU. Batista is bleeding, tired, fighting back and Undertaker jumps in to break it up. Shame on you, Taker. Cena scoop-slams Batista, goes for the flying elbow, hits it, gives Taker the crotch-chops, goes for Sweet Chin Music but Batista dodges it, slideslams Shawn, tags in Taker and the Deadman cleans house. Taker hits Snake Eyes, the flying shoulder, hits Cena in one corner and Shawn in the other, goes to double chokeslam Cena and Michaels but throws Shawn to Batista, who hits the spinebuster.

Then Batista spinebusters Taker! Bah Gawd! This is why the tag belts weren’t on the line! Batista was going to Pearl Harbour Taker the whole time! Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music, Cena hits the FU and Undertaker is pinned for the win in 22:09.

2017 comments:

An okay match with crescendo booking and a swerve ending that made Cena and Shawn to look like losers despite winning. If they’d made it a title shot then Batista’s betrayal would have meant nothing, it would have been stupid. If, however, it would have been a title shot and Batista hit Taker with the cheap shot before attempting to pin Shawn (say after Taker cleared house and tagged Batista in) and Taker broke up the pin to batter Batista, the match would have been declared a no contest and… well, I still would have been annoyed, actually.

2007 comments:

Good thing no belts were on the line.

Grade: B.

Cena and Michaels leave without their belts. Batista takes his own belt, goes into the ring with Taker and Cena’s music finishes as Batista holds the belt in the air over Undertaker. His music hits and he leaves. Cunt JBL has to say goodbye to everyone. Undertaker hits up, alone and betrayed in the middle of the ring. He’s furious.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No one stood out in this PPV at all. I was going to give it to Jimmy Wang Yang because he was the best of a bad bunch. Why not.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than Queen Sharmell, Melina, Cherry and the horrendous Diva nonsense at the end.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Jimmy Wang Yang!

Best Spot: None. I can’t think of any.

Hatches: Cherry, Deuce, Domino, Hornswoggle (as a competitor), Little Boogeyman, Shannon Moore.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt by DQing himself; Chavo Guerrero wins the Cruiserweight title for the sixth time.

Dispatches: We won’t see Hornswoggle fighting again, nor will we see Joey Mercury, sadly. However, this is the last we will see of the The Boogeyman and thank Christ for that.

Closing Statements: A time wasting PPV that didn’t advance any plots and – other than the okay Cruiserweight match – was a waste of time with no memorable matches whatsoever.

On the Card will return on April 1 2017 with WrestleMania 23!

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 5

Previously on On the Card: Deuce and Domino and Cherry.

Cole is fucking up his voice as he shows us Bobby’s family. His dad was never there. He was a college wrassler. He walked up a mountain. He wrassled for the army.

Cut to Kennedy, the fucker. Kristal is smiling at him. She asks him what Kennedy thinks of Bobby Lashley’s recent success. He likens them to LA: phony wannabes. The crowd boos. He slags off the crowd. His promo is going nowhere so he brings it back to Bobby, saying he’s beaten him once, he can beat him again. Bobby turns up and the two square off. Kristal gets straight out of the shot, knowing full well that the pair of them were going to punch each other out.

Bobby’s music hits, fresh from punching out Kennedy. Bobby takes his damn time coming out, though. Obviously the interview was miles away from the Titantron. The cameras make sure that they stay away from the entrance until he appears. The pyro goes off mere feet from Bobby’s back and he’s not even three steps away from the entrance when Mr. Kennedy rocks down, beating lumps out of the ECW champ.

Lashley fights back, rips the shirt off Kennedy. An official arrives to remind the boys to get to the ring. Lashley drags Kennedy and tosses him into the ring. Once both men are inside, the bell goes.

ECW World Championship match: Mr. Kennedy def Bobby Lashley (c) via disqualification in 15:27.

Lashley hammers on Kennedy and Cunt JBL says that this is Darwinism at its best. Surely that’s just evolution? Cunt JBL then bigs himself up, saying that he was the first man to have a championship match with Lashley. The two men roll out of the ring then toll back in. Not much is happening, both men are playing it very conservatively until Bobby hits a lovely back body drop on Kennedy. After a faired Irish Whip, Bobby ruins Kennedy with a clothesline. Lovely delayed vertical suplex and a pin attempt.

Kennedy gets Bobby into the corner and kicks him for a bit. This match is very, very slow. They don’t do any spots at all, it’s just two men slapping each other. Kennedy goes for the pin, fails, and attempts some odd leg extension. It looks clumsy as shit. Kennedy is working on Bobby’s ankle and it is very slow. Not much to say. Lots of rest holds. Half Boston crab. Bobby reaches the ropes. Bobby fights back and the crowd wake up for a bit before Kennedy takes the knee out from underneath Bobby, pin attempt. More slow action… or lack of action. Kennedy missile dropkicks Bobby, pin attempt, fail. Choking in the corner for a while. Michael Cole isn’t speaking at all and Cunt JBL is taking over, which makes the match even more boring.

Really crappy DDT by Kennedy, a pin attempt – as in, he attempts a pin and somehow cannot figure out how to pin Bobby – and fails. Cunt JBL gives off to the crowd for a while. Another half-Boston crab. Bobby’s laces are out. Kennedy does a rolling Samoan drop followed by a Swanton bomb, but Bobby gets the knees up. Both men have a sit down for a bit. The men punch each other, Bobby hits a fallaway slam and a delayed back body drop which gets a pin fail. Another torture rack followed by a backbreaker and Kennedy kicks out. Ref takes a bump. Kennedy hits the leg. He jumps out, gets the chair for no reason, bops Bobby in the back. Bobby attacks, dodges, gets the chair, hits Kennedy, gets the DQ in 15:27.

2017 comments:

It was not a match. It was an exercise in stalling the crowd.

2007 comments:

Shameful, horrible attempt on both parts

Grade: D.

Bobby beats on Kennedy as he rolls away. Weak chair shots. Super, duper weak ones where he hits the ground instead of Kennedy. Officials pop out and they break it up. Bobby poses and his music hits.

On the Card will return on March 25 2017 with the sixth and final part of No Way Out 2007!

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Booker was there and Kane was there!

Jesus, Kristal, would you please shut up? She’s talking to Batista now. He fucks up his promo. She asks him how Batista is going to trust Undertaker. We see footage where Taker chokeslams Batista. Kristal asks the Animal if he is intimidated. He says he’s not.

It’s Paul London and Brian Kendrick! And they’re not in the first match! There’s a stereo backflip mid ring.

Deuce ‘n Domino come out with Cheery in a cyan 50’s-style car. Cheery chews gun, wears roller skates and doesn’t wear 50’s clothes. Because… she’s a dope, I suppose.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Deuce is actually James Snuka, brother of Tamina Snuka and son of the late Hall of Famer and alleged murderer, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

WWE Tag Team Championship match: Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c) def Deuce ‘n Domino (w/ Cherry) via pin in 8:07.

Yeah! Another tag match! Only seen two of them so far tonight.

Cunt JBL slags off Cole for losing his voice. Domino and Paul London start off. The two men slap each other before bouncing and running the ropes for a while. Brian Kendrick is called in and the pair double team Domino for a bit. London is back in and Deuce does a quick run-in. Stereo dropkicks and both DnD are out of the ring. London gets Domino in a headlock, Deuce is tagged in and hits a lovely backbreaker followed by a clothesline. Domino has bust his face open for some reason, I didn’t see it happen. Poor son of a bitch. London is bullied by the lads and Cherry watches on, popping gum and smiling.

Cunt JBL admits to being a bully. Domino has a lovely bloody mouth. He looks like Jaws. Lovely double-underhook suplex from Domino and poor London is getting his shit kicked in, taking the time and building to a hot tag. London gets thrown against the turnbuckle. More beating up in the corner and DnD hit a lovely double back body drop on London. The tag is not hot yet. The crowd is not behind it at all. He crawls to Kendrick but Deuce knocks him off before it can happen. London counters a sidewalk slam, attempts the tag and dodges the attacks, finally tags in Kendrick, who takes it to DnD, almost gets a pin. He kicks away at Deuce, gets a clothesline for his effort and Brian goes to top rope, there’s an attempt to an Electric Chair Clothesline, but Kendrick ducks it, does a roll up and gets the pin in 8:07.

2017 comments:

This could have been a great match, but they were only given eight minutes.

2007 comments:

Not as many flips as I would have wanted.

Grade: C.

Cunt JBL quotes Faarooq by saying, “Damn.” Fuck off.

On the Card will return on March 18 2017 with the fifth part of No Way Out 2007!

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Fuck off, Boogeyman!

Backstage, Kristal is talking to Shawn. She asks him if Cena can be trusted. Shawn says he trusts no one but HHH. He reminds us of the catchphrase of DX.

Back in the arena, King Booker makes his laborious way to the ring. He is due to have a match with our man Kane, a rivalry that started at the Rumble, apparently, when Kane threw him out. Booker had a bit of a huff and fought back, eliminating Kane, somehow. Booker got the key to Houston, which is his hometown. Kane appeared then, very upset and kicked Booker out of the ring. What a feud.

Back in the arena, Sharmell tells us to hail King Booker and Kane comes out with big pyro and interrupts them. Great lad.

Cunt JBL and Cole argue.

Kane def King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pin in 12:38.

The bell goes and Booker and Kane square off. Cole asks Cunt how to fight Kane. Cunt speaks in pleasantries for a while until Kane finally hits a bunch of punches into Booker’s chest. Cunt JBL gives off when Cole says that Kane is screaming. He says that “only women scream… not that you would have done that, Cole.”

Kane and Booker fight for a bit. Kane hits the backbreaker. Booker rolls onto the apron and guillotines Kane. Almost chokeslam and Kane gets ready for another chokeslam but clotheslines Booker out instead. Booker throws Kane’s had into the steel steps. Booker hits a lovely dropkick and Sharmell gives off to the referee, Little Naitch. Kane escapes the long, long, long armlock and goes to the top rope… But Booker heel kicks Kane on the way down. Pin attempt but nothing comes of it. Booker beats Kane in the corner and the Big Red Machine fights back until Booker knocks him down. Kane kicks out after one. Big chops and woos from the crowd. Booker lifts Kane and goes for the suplex but Kane counters. Pin attempt and fail.

The pair slap the shite out of each other and Kane finally gets Booker’s throat but Booker escapes. Lovely clothesline following a failed scissors kick. Both men are down and Kane does his Michael Myers Undertaker sit up. Kane takes Booker to the corner for a ten punch, punching well over ten. Lovely Irish Whip and Sidewalk Slam from Kane. The Big Red Machine goes to the top rope and takes a flying clothesline. The crowd cheer the Chokeslam hand and though Booker hits the flying kick, he still takes a chokeslam and Kane gets the pin in 12:38.

2017 comments:

Bless, Kane. He’s past his prime at this point.

2007 comments:

Pee break match.

Grade: C.

Booker leaves as Kane looks angry. Replays of the match. Kane has a wee giggle, the lights go red.

On the Card will return on March 11 2017 with the fourth part of No Way Out 2007!

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Benoit was there!

Backstage and Kristal has actually read her lines as she introduces Joooooohn Cena!

Cena rips the piss out of her and people’s perception of Tag Team Champions. He says that he and Shawn are not the best of pals but they’ll fight hard together.

Then Finlay comes out. I am ashamed to say that this man is from the same country as me. Anyone who deals in this shite is no Irishman. Let me rap real quick about little people wrestling with big people: it’s not funny, it’s not cool, it’s not nice. I’m not trying to say that there should be no little people wrestlers. There should be. I’m not trying to say that they are not athletes due to their stature. They are. What I am saying is that the way they are utilised is wrong. They are either there to be laughed at or beaten up. Undertaker would never fight a little person because either he looks like a bully if he wins or a fool if he loses. There is no way to be involved in a match with a little person without coming across as petty or pathetic and I don’t think little people want to be the catalyst for either of those choices.

Then the lights go red and fucking Boogeyman comes out. Fuck off. Red smoke and eating worms. The announcers go quiet and I am tempted to skip this match all together. Cunt JBL and Cole sandbag the whole fucking thing. Cunt JBL calls them epileptic.

Finlay and Little Bastard def. The Boogeyman and Little Boogeyman via pin in 6:44.

I muscle through. It’s only… what? Seven minutes? Seems doable.

JBL calls Cole anti-immigration and xenophobic. Cole’s voice breaks. Finlay and Boogey circle each other. The crowd is dead. No one cares. This is garbage, nonsense wrestling. Boogey hits some crappy offense and pulls Finlay out of the ring, hits his head off the barricade, throws him back in, attacks Finlay on the apron, does a lovely powerslam and Little Booger soes some leg drops, eats some worms and Little Bastard comes in. The crowd laugh and cheer as Bastard throws off his jacket. Finlay lives the Booger a superkick.

Small package and Finlay kicks out. Elbow drop. Finlay hits an armbar. It’s a little person, Finlay! Booger is thrown outside where Little Bastard drags Booger under. Boogeyman then appaears and… apparently is the legal man…?

Boogeyman gets some offense in and a few atomic drops. Irish whip and Boogey almost hands in mid air as he jumps. Little Boogeyman is thrown on top of Finlay and Bastard saves his team member with a shillelagh. Boogeyman gets the worms, eats them and chases after Bastard. Finlay hits Little Boogeyman with his shillelagh, gets the pin in a painful 6:44.

2017 comments:

Shit.

2007 comments:

Less than a match.

Grade: It deserves no grade.

Cunt JBL says it is fun to watch. It was not.

On the Card will return on March 4 2017 with the third part of No Way Out 2007!

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on February 18, 2007, No Way Out 2007. It was a Smackdown the first of its kind since Armageddon in December 2006. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

No Way Out 2007

No tagline this time either. The poster is The Undertaker in a dark hallway, looking through his eyebrows. Behind him is a barred door. The “No Way Out” at the bottom has chains on it. I see the subtle innuendo.

The opening is a slow walk through a prison. “Tonight, for these four superstars… There is no way out.” Vince says that there is going to be a tag team match between Cena and Michaels vs. Undertaker and Batista. He says this match is one the likes of which will never be seen before. It’s a match where there’s no trust between the tag teams. Nope. Never seen this before in my entire life ever.

We see some sort of labyrinthine hallway of doors and cells before we are told that SmackDown! presents WWE No Way Out. Just as the superstars are stuck in a prison of their own creation, we too are stuck in the fucking Staples Centre, Los Angeles, California where 14,000 people are in attendance with a buyrate of 218,000 at home, a tiny drop from the 220,000 the previous year. There’s big pyro and my heart stops as Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL invite us to the detour on the Road to Wrasslemania. They say that this last-minute crap tag is the biggest main event in SmackDown history. We are about to be introduced to our Spanish colleages but Cunt JBL shouts racist things about hating bi-lingual places. I tell you what, I can’t wait to see the back of him.

Despite his racism, we see our lovely Spanish colleagues, Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich. A great pair of lads. They hammer on in Spanish for ages. What a pair of lads. Hugo ends it with, “Waaaaow!”

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring… Rob Van Dam against Shelton Benjamin?! What did either of them do to deserve that?)

Oh great, the first match is a six-man tag. Fucking Teddy Long and his love for tag matches. There will be four this evening. This… displeases me. The first one out is MVP, our boy with his big-ass legs and awesome pyro. He’s a great heel. We need someone like him. Cole says that this is, “a treat”, similar to how someone might give you fruitcake as a treat, which is neither a fruit nor a cake.

Big red carpet and down comes Mankin- sorry, it’s MNM. Joey is still rocking that mask, though. Fair play to you, big man. Take a bow. Melina is there with an ill-fitting top on. JBL quotes The Mask, which is not the first time. Melina lifts her legs onto the apron and we see her bottom. JBL: “Even you would like that, Michael.” Cole: “I… love it.” And now JBL likes Mexicans.

Hardys come out. Jeff is raving away there, winged off his tits. The annoucners really big up the match at Armageddon where the Hardys hit the leg drop and bust open Joey.

Down comes [REDACTED] Benoit. No big entrance for him. He just walks down and lifts his US championship belt. JBL gives off because Cole says, “Ohhhh my!”

Siz-Man Tag Team match: [REDACTED] Benoit and The Hardy Boyz def Montel Vontavious Porter and MNM (w/ Melina) via submission in 14:19.

No titles on the line here, no one cares. It’s a payday for the lot of them. Jeff and Joey maybe have beef over the ladder incident and although Johnny and Matt will stand up for their partners, MVP and Benoit are just along for the ride. Big “Hardy!” chant rises from the crowd as Joey and Matt square off. Cole bigs up the rivalry between MNM and Hardys as Melina screams at ringside. Joey gets a boot to the face and Matt hits the axe-handle nothing. Jeff comes in and goes for the pin instantly but gets naught. Matt is back in and Johnny is tagged. Lovely hip toss by Matt followed by slaps on the back. MVP tags himself in and goes for a dodgy bodyslam. Benoit is in and rips on MVP. Cole tells us that he has only one gear – fifth gear.

MVP fights back and a lovely snapmare and pin but gets nothing. MVP escapes, tags in Joey, who refuses. MVP is back in and gets tossed about by Benoit. Lovely snap suplex and pin attempt. Jeff is in and beats on MVP in the corner. Johnny scrambles about the place and gets a backwards enziguri and double leg drop to Johnny’s balls. Nitro slaps Hardy and they chase each other when Little Naitch’s back is turned. Crappy snapmare – crapmare – and Johnny is holding Jeff in a little spooning cuddle mid-ring. Jeff gets to his feet, batters Johnny in the midsection and Melina is frustrated that a pin attempt did not work. More chinlocks on Jeff. Chinlock city.

MVP is back in and distracts the ref while Johnny hits on Jeff. Nice suplex and pin attempt. Johnny is back in and hits Jeff with an attempted backdrop but Jeff hits Whisper in the Wind. Matt is in for the tepid tag and clears house, hits the bulldog from the corner, hits the Side Effect. Matt gets a backdrop from MVP and a snapmare followed by chinlock city. MVP hits the gutwrench and hits an elbow with theatrics. Benoit breaks up the pin. Mercury is in, getting the thumb in Matt’s eye like Umaga. Gimmick infringement. Melina goes to slap Matt but the ref turns around. Joey is in the corner with his team mates, beating on Matt. Nitro attempts the pin but gets nothing. Facelock city.

The crowd claps, attempting to get the hot tag up. Matt hits the clothesline, can’t seem to get to Benoit but goes eventually. Benoit clears house and hits a lovely suplex of Joey onto MVP followed by a double German suplex as MNM hold on to each other for dear life. Hardys hit Poetry in Motion. Matt hits the Twist of Fate but Cole calls it a side effect. Jeff hits the Swanton, Benoit gets the flying headbutt and MVP breaks up the pin. Jeff attempts a sunset flip on Nitro outside but fails. MVP tries to DQ Benoit with a US Championship to the face but Johnny breaks it up. Joey beats on Benoit and MNM go for the Snapshot, attempts the cover, fails and hits the crossface instead, getting the win in 14:19.

2017 comments:

Not a great curtain jerker and has crescendo booking with nothing happening for most of the match then everyone hits their finishers and the faces win.

2007 comments:

Why was Benoit there?

Grade: B

Backstage, the “vivacious” Kristal is there, forgetting her lines. “The wife of Eddie Guerrero… (legit pause of about five seconds)… Vicky Guerrero.” Christ, you’re a terrible woman. Big boos and big pauses again. Kristal and Vicky shamble their way through a shitty promo and awkward hug.

Cut to Finlay and Little Bastard as they cut a shitty promo on little people. Finlay tells Little Bastard to stay where he is. He refuses so Finlay puts him in a bin, which smokes and turns red. It turns out that Little Boogeyman was inside. Repulsive.

Back in the arena, it’s time for the Cruiserweight Open. It’s basically a shitty Royal Rumble.

Oh wait, no, I take that back. The first entrant is Scotty 2 Hotty. This is going to be the best match of the card, y’all haters can go fuck yourselves. Out comes the hyped up – and best – member of Too Cool.

Daivari’s music hits. He comes out with little fanfare but by gum he looks great. He was given such a shitty gimmick.

Cruiserweight Open for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Chavo Guerrero def. Gregory Helms (c), Scotty 2 Hotty, Daivari, Sho Funaki, Shannon Moore, Jimmy Wang Yang and Jamie Noble via elimination in 14:11.

A First Challenger Appears: Scotty 2 Hotty.

A Second Challenger Appears: Daivari.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Daivari has an earring. The fool. Daivari goes for three pins in a row instantly, followed by a bodyslam and some punches to the face. Daivari gets some heat from the crowd for being Middle-Eastern. Racists. Scotty hits the facebuster and hits the WORM. Brilliantly awful move. He gets the pin from it.

Daivari has been eliminated by Scotty 2 Hotty in 1:39.

A Third Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

It’s the current Cruiserweight Champion! Down he comes to the ring, gets bopped a few times by Scotty and the pair of them trade blows in the corner. Scotty looks like he’s crying and gets a slingshot to the throat. Pin attempt and fail. The crowd bay for Scotty, but we know he’s done. He charges Helms into the corner, follows it up with smacks to the face and Scotty hits the backdrop, attempts another WORM, gives Scotty a knee to the face and the pin.

Scotty 2 Hotty has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 2:06.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Sho Funaki.

Oh no! It’s the sneaky Japanese!

Funaki slides in, wearing his Smackdown trunks, goes for the cross-body but Helms rolls through, grabs the tights, shows off Funaki’s arse and gets the pin.

Sho Funaki has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 26 seconds.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Shannon Moore.

Looking like a Jeff Hardy from some alternate universe, Shannon Moore rocks up with his Mohawk and mental makeup. The two roll out and Shannon hits a lovely springboard to hurricanrana. Shannon hits the spinebuster and pin attempt but fails. Shannon hits a lovely bridging pin followed by a jumping neckbreaker. Cunt JBL and Cole share homophobic remarks. Helms hits the superplex on Moore and a knee to the jaw followed by a pin.

Shannon Moore has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 2:02.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Jimmy Wang Yang.

This has been a great match so far… for Gregory Helms. It’s okay, though, our resident redneck is down to kick some arse and take some names. Lovely standing moonsault and “yahoo!” from Jimmy Wang Yang. He goes for the ten-punch and fails. Lovely roll-up and Wang Yang hits the side-Russian leg sweep followed by a weird submission. Top-rope moonsault that misses and Helms knocks him down. Jimmy Wang Yang hits the hurricanrana and gets the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Jimmy Wang Yang in 1:49.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Jamie Noble.

Before Noble comes out, Helms hits the neckbreaker, laying Jimmy Wang Yang out. Noble goes for the pin as Gregory Helms watches on. Big slaps from Noble and another pin attempt. Lovely body slam and leg drop and Cunt JBL keeps talking despite the fact that no one wants him here. Chinlock city. Awkward Irish whip and Noble attempts the pin but fails after Jimmy rockets into the turnbuckle. Jimmy stunners Noble and hits the Atomic Drop. An almost pin after a dropkick. Suplex attempt and Noble escapes, hits the spinning leg kick. Jimmy goes to the top rope and slaps at Jimmy. Goes for the superplex but Jimmy says no and hits the top-rope moonsault for the pin.

Jamie Noble has been eliminated by Jimmy Wang Yang in 3:43.

Jimmy Wang Yang is the Winner of the WWE Cruiser-

Ohhh, Chavo!

An Eighth and Final Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

Whaaat? A surprise entry? Christ!

Chavo jumps in and the pair of them square off before Chavo hits the side-suplex and boots on Jimmy. Roidy Guerrero attacks Jimmy and takes a spinning leg kick to the face. Chavo is sent out over the top and Jimmy goes to the top-rope, hits a monstrous cross-body, rolls Chavo in, hits a missile dropkick but Chavo counters and hits the Three Amigos, goes to the top, gets mega boos for attempting the frog splash but Jimmy hits a top-rope Hurricanrana, almost gets the pin. He goes top rope again but Chavo is there to stop him. He is knocked off the top rope. Jimmy attempts the corkscrew moonsault, Chavo dodges, hits the Frog Splash and the pin.

Jimmy Wang Yang has been eliminated by Chavo Guerrero in 4:07.

Chavo Guerrero is the Winner of the WWE Cruiserweight Open and new WWE Cruiserweight Champion in 14:11.

2017 comments:

I don’t understand the point of this. Is there a feud developing here? Who is supposed to go over? Had Helms squashed everyone but just been barely able to put Jimmy Wang Yang away and Jimmy had fought Jamie for a good few minutes followed by a tough match with Chavo, I can understand it. Add six minutes onto the runtime and add that into the last three bouts and I can get it: Jimmy Wang Yang is good enough not only to put away a tired Gregory Helms, but also fight toe-to-toe with Noble and Guerrero before he finally loses. Then Helms would go over – a tough champ who put away all other challengers – and Jimmy would go over – he beat the champ – and Chavo would go over – he beat the tired winner. But… it was a clean finish. Jimmy just lost. And who wants to see Chavo with a belt? No one.

2007 comments:

I like Jimmy Wang Yang.

Grade: B

Disappointing, both for the fans and the wrestlers. We already hate Chavo. No need to make us hate him more. I see that Vicky isn’t there to congratulate him. Obviously they’ve split up and expanded their evil into other areas of the Fed. Replays of the win. Cole calls him disrespectful and the crowd can’t give less of a shit about him.

On the Card will return on February 25 2017 with the second part of No Way Out 2007!