Previously on On the Card: Kennedy and Bobby have a shite match.
Then The Miz’s music hits and Mike Mizanin rolls out, swaggers right on over to a stage by the entrance, calls the audience misfits and says that tonight is the first ever Divas invitational. In the ring already is ECW’s Extreme Expose. Layla and… two other women shake their booty for a while. This is embarrassing. Christ of almighty. This shite would not stand these days because the fans pay for wrasslin’, not bad stripping. To be fair, now, one of the girls does a backflip in heels. It turns out that it’s Kelly Kelly and the other charisma vacuum is Brooke. The crowd is dead.
Miz introduces Jillian from SmackDown. She has lovely breasts. She gets the mix and says that it is her big break. She’s going to wow the crowd and Hollywood executives who have come just to see her. She has written her own song. Crowd boo. She warms up. She shouts to the back to bring up the treble and bass. It is terrific. Terrific in its terribleness. She sings very badly. Good job. Miz interrupts her and makes a William Hung reference. She shits all over Extreme Expose and says they’re not good enough to be her backup dancers. She then shits all over all the other divas. Brilliant heat. She calls them all talentless bitches. Then Maria, Ariel and Candice come out. They beat on Jillian and there is a cat fight. It is embarrassing. Big boos as the officials come out. Fair play to the girls that there are no wardrobe malfunctions.
Music hits and its Ashley Massaro, the Playboy cover girl. Big pyro and a twenty foot cover of Playboy falls from the ceiling. She removes her top and she has Playboy bunny pasties over her breasts. Just like Sable! It’s a reference to something ten years ago. Ashley gets called the winner and she walks off. The rest of the Divas are angry. This is the darkest point in Wrestling history… so far.
It was not a match. I just want everyone to know how disgusted I was by this bollocks.
I have the internet, you know.
Grade: I wish I could have those ten minutes back.
Promo for the main event and reminder of the Royal Rumble match with Taker vs. Shawn as the last two men. We see Taker win for the first time, almost twenty years after his introduction. He chooses to battle Batista at Wrasslemania. Shawn then comes down and challenges Cena for his WWE Title. Michaels, Edge and Randy Orton fight, Michaels wins and is ready to fight Cena for the championship. Vince then makes the tag team match that we see tonight. Promo of the four men hitting each other.
Shawn still has his DX music for some reason. Why isn’t he a sexy boy? He comes out, giving everyone an epileptic fit with his intro. He doesn’t do his Sexy Boy pyro either. Ahhh here, Shawn. He just does crotch chops. Shameful.
Big pop for Cena. He comes down with two belts – Tag Team and WWE Championships. The announcer hits the lovely, “Jeeeeeee-aaaaaahn Ceeeenaaaa!”
Batista! He has a lovely intro. He runs to one side, he runs to the other, he goes centre stage, he spins, he slaps the ground and hits his ra-ta-ta-ta-ta pyro. World Heavyweight Champion Batista. He stands mid-ring, checks on the other lads in the ring and then the bell goes.
Big blackout in the arena. Funeral march and the Dead Man from Death Valley comes down to the ring, taking his damn time as he usually does. He hits big pyro. It’s quite impressive. He walks to the ring post, raises his hands, lights pop up and he surveys the others in the ring, removes his coat, pops off his hat, rolls his eyes and goes to his corner with big Grandaddy Batista. He is the only man stalking the ring and slips through the ropes to get the bell rung.
John Cena and Shawn Michaels def. Batista and The Undertaker via pin in 22:09.
No titles on the line, which is bullshit. Imagine if Cena and Michaels put the titles on the line and there was tag team dissention (a favourite spot and gimmick) on both sides. If Taker and Batista won, then the next weeks leading up to Mania would involve them defending the belts and continuing to work as enemies and after Taker defeats Batista at Mania, they would still need to defend the titles as a pair. It would also make Cena and Michaels more bitter at each other because their dissention led to them losing belts. If Cena loses at Mania, then he has two reasons to go after Michaels. It makes all four men absolute monsters and it means everyone goes over! Just put the fucking titles on the line!
I digress. Cena and Batista to start.
Cena and Batista lock up, Cena is thrown into the ropes and bounces back. Batista fires into Cena in the corner. Cena gives Batista the big right hands and attempts to Irish Whip Batista but the Animal hold him back. Lovely suplex, pin attempt, out in two. Batista goes into the ringpost shoulder first. Michaels is tagged in and gives Batista mega slaps. He has a wee chat to Michaels and the two men do a lovely inside-out spot on the corner followed by two great clotheslines. As Undertaker is tagged in, Michaels is pulling on Batista’s pants to show the Animals balls. Lovely.
Taker beats on Michaels, goes for Old School, chases away Little Naitch and tosses Michaels about like a ragdoll. Shawn fights back and goes up for a ten punch but pushes Michaels away. He returns twice to attempt the ten punch and fails. Pin attempt at Batista rocks in, slapping Michaels on the back for a while. Batista and Michaels share slaps and shoulder tags. Batista gives Michaels a scoop slam, giant elbow, Cena comes in to boos and cheers. Taker is tagged in and the Phenom and Face that runs the Place are both on. Lovely shoulder tackle and Undertaker attempts Old School again but Cena fights back to huge boos. Cena goes for the superplex and is knocked back. Cena jumps back up and hits the lovely superplex onto the Phenom.
Both men have a lie down for some white. Taker sits right back up and knocks Cena down. Michaels comes in after Taker’s giant elbow and hits Taker with the jumping elbow, kips up, goes to pick up Taker but the Phenom has him by the throat. Lovely Gorilla press from Taker and Shawn is thrown out where Batista throws him against the steel steps. Taker goes outside to pick up Shawn and rolls him back in. Cena breaks up the pin and is chastised by Naitch. Batista gives Michaels a lovely snapmare and boot to the face but there’s a kickout. Shawn is carried to the corner and punched by Batista before Taker tags himself in. Taker catches himself on the top rope and Shawn is down. As Taker picks him up, Shawn fights back. Cunt JBL keeps saying that this is the only time we’ll see this. Good. It’s not amazing. Lovely sidewalk slam from Taker and Batista is in. Great clothesline followed by a second and third. Bastista goes for a wee rest hold on Michaels and the two of them lie down for a while. Then they’re up and Michaels is fighting back, punching and hitting Batista for a great DDT. Cunt JBL is now having to commentate on his own and it is a sad state of affairs. Michaels hits the hot tag to Cena and he batters the shite out of Batista, goes top rope, hits a lovely leg drop and Taker jumps in. Cena hits the jumping shoulder barge, knocks Taker out and hits the sit-out powerbomb to great boos. Five knuckle shuffle and Batista is about to get an FU but Taker breaks it up.
Shawn and Taker scramble to the outside. Taker catches Shawn mid-air. In the ring, Batista hits a scoop-slam, is about to give Cena the Batista Bomb but Shawn saves him by battering Batista in the leg. Shawn is in, hammering on Batista and when the ref’s back is turned, so does Cena. Cunt JBL is talking away. He will not shut up! Cena goes for the pin, gets two. Cena hits a lovely clothesline, goes for the pin but Taker leans over and pokes him in the face. Shawn is in, Flair chopping Batista and hits the enzurgi but Batista kicks out! Both men have a wee sit down for a while. Front face lock and Batista is aiming for the hot tag to Taker. He lifts up Michaels, drags himself to the corner but Cena is tagged in and Batista is bust! When did he blade? Did he blade? Was it a legit hardway? It must have happened during the front facelock but camera angles sucked then, possibly on purpose!
Cena gets Batista in the front facelock and Batista goes to tag… but is trying to tag in Michaels! Shawn pops Batista and Cena hits the STFU. Batista is bleeding, tired, fighting back and Undertaker jumps in to break it up. Shame on you, Taker. Cena scoop-slams Batista, goes for the flying elbow, hits it, gives Taker the crotch-chops, goes for Sweet Chin Music but Batista dodges it, slideslams Shawn, tags in Taker and the Deadman cleans house. Taker hits Snake Eyes, the flying shoulder, hits Cena in one corner and Shawn in the other, goes to double chokeslam Cena and Michaels but throws Shawn to Batista, who hits the spinebuster.
Then Batista spinebusters Taker! Bah Gawd! This is why the tag belts weren’t on the line! Batista was going to Pearl Harbour Taker the whole time! Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music, Cena hits the FU and Undertaker is pinned for the win in 22:09.
An okay match with crescendo booking and a swerve ending that made Cena and Shawn to look like losers despite winning. If they’d made it a title shot then Batista’s betrayal would have meant nothing, it would have been stupid. If, however, it would have been a title shot and Batista hit Taker with the cheap shot before attempting to pin Shawn (say after Taker cleared house and tagged Batista in) and Taker broke up the pin to batter Batista, the match would have been declared a no contest and… well, I still would have been annoyed, actually.
Good thing no belts were on the line.
Cena and Michaels leave without their belts. Batista takes his own belt, goes into the ring with Taker and Cena’s music finishes as Batista holds the belt in the air over Undertaker. His music hits and he leaves. Cunt JBL has to say goodbye to everyone. Undertaker hits up, alone and betrayed in the middle of the ring. He’s furious.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: No one stood out in this PPV at all. I was going to give it to Jimmy Wang Yang because he was the best of a bad bunch. Why not.
Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than Queen Sharmell, Melina, Cherry and the horrendous Diva nonsense at the end.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Jimmy Wang Yang!
Best Spot: None. I can’t think of any.
Hatches: Cherry, Deuce, Domino, Hornswoggle (as a competitor), Little Boogeyman, Shannon Moore.
Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt by DQing himself; Chavo Guerrero wins the Cruiserweight title for the sixth time.
Dispatches: We won’t see Hornswoggle fighting again, nor will we see Joey Mercury, sadly. However, this is the last we will see of the The Boogeyman and thank Christ for that.
Closing Statements: A time wasting PPV that didn’t advance any plots and – other than the okay Cruiserweight match – was a waste of time with no memorable matches whatsoever.
On the Card will return on April 1 2017 with WrestleMania 23!