Attitude Era #14. In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede (July 6, 1997) Part 1

 

On the Card: Attitude Era #14 In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede – July 6, 1997

In the previous entry, I looked at King of the Ring. It was shite. The next PPV was In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede, the second PPV set in Canada that I have reviewed since starting this blog.

Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede 1997

No tagline this time around. The poster shows Owen and Bulldog standing with their belts at either side of Bret. The background is a pink Canadian Flag. Just in case you ever forgot that it was set in Canada.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Stampede Wrestling was a promotion started and run by Bret and Owen’s father (also Bulldog’s father-in-law) Stu Hart. So it’s a pun… almost.

The announcer tells us that the WWF is translated into 7 different languages in all these bleeding countries.

Black and white promo tells us that we no longer live in a world of black-and-white, telling us that the good guys are now bad guys and the bad guys are getting pops. We see “stone cold killer” threaten to end Bret’s legacy. The Hart Foundation are coming home, the heels now the heroes and the faces now fucking hated.

We see a how getting its arse branded and farty pyro welcomes us to the – honest-to-God-named – Saddledome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. 12,151 in attendance with around 209,563 houses buying it, which is rather high for the time. Some dumb Canuck has a sign that says, “BRETT RULES”. The Hart Foundation music is playing while Jumpin’ Jim Ross, Vinnie Mac and Jerry “The King” Lawler invite us in.

The EU anthem plays and out comes a man who has never even been to Europe, Hunter Hearst Helmsley feat. Chyna.

(Note: Before the PPV began there was a match on Free-For-All featuring The Hell Godwinns, Henry O. and Phineas I. defeating The New Blackjacks, Bradshaw and Windham. My DVD actually has this match but fuck it, I’m not watching Bradshaw if I don’t have to.)

Chyna weighs two hundred pounds, apparently. Fair play to her.

Shitty promo for the Mankind/HHH match. We see handsome Mick Foley followed by their drizzling shits of a match at King of the Ring 1997. It’s all very embarrassing for everyone concerned. Hunter tells us that the ring his. Chyna gets on the mic and tells Mankind to come down and kiss her ass. Well, now. They censor “ass”. Because apparently the Attitude Era hasn’t started. Was there not Stone Cold 3:16? Did Goldust not snog the face off Ahmed Johnson? Have the Godwinns not turned heel? I think you’ll find that it is very much the Attitude Era, sirs.

Anyways, Mankind replies by saying that he’s a good kisser.

Back in the ring, Mankind pops down with his crazy Hannibal Lecter theme. He’s getting a hell of a pop and runs into the ring to start the match.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Chyna) vs. Mankind.

Trips and Mankind are sharing punches mid-ring and the pace is frantic. Mankind hits the bulldog followed by the leg drop and double-arm DDT. He curtseys to Helmsely and follows it up with an Irish whip but Mick takes a knee to the face. HHH goes over the top rope and Mick gives him a big ol’ elbow drop. Vince splooges over Chyna’s deltoids as Trips is thrown out again. Mick goes to Bret’s rope on the apron but Trips runs off. The entrance aisle is actually a ramp now, and fair play to them. Mankind hits the suplex on the steel ramp, throws up the arms and shouts, “Bang, bang!”

Trips rolls down the ramp and slowly gets into the ring. He’s knocked to the apron with a quick punch. Trips is on the apron but hits the sunset flip. Chyna interferes, punching Mick, who goes after her. Hunter tries to stop him but takes a gut punch. Trips Irish whips Mankind and Chyna catches him to hip toss him into the steel steps. Trips gets a chair and – in full view of the ref – nails Mick in the leg. Why isn’t this a DQ? Why is the match continuing? Fuck sake, ref. I can’t even make out who the ref is.

Trips goes for the knee of Mankind and Vince has, so far mentioned the fact that Bret Hart’s family is in the front row thrice. Trips drops the elbow on Mick’s knee. Vince says that the ref has allowed a great deal of latitude in this match. Trips – the cerebral assassin – is targeting the knee of Mankind continuously. He hits the figure four in the middle of the ring and almost pins Mankind as his shoulders fall to the mat. Trips gets the top rope and adds leverage but the ref does not break the hold. Your man is shite. The ref finally sees it, kicks Trips’ legs and Mankind escapes. Trips goes for the Pedigree but Mick counters it. Trips kicks Mick into the turnbuckle and he bounces off and Flair flops right onto Trip’s dick.

Both men are up and the crowd can’t count as Mick punches in the corner. Trips takes a lovely big Shawn Michaels bump in the corner. Mankind goes for the piledriver and it is brutal. Pin attempt and Trips kicks out. Mankind and Trips both tumble out of the ring and Mick goes right for the chair but Chyna stops it. Trips grabs the chair and hits Mick once. As the official goes to shout at Trips, Chyna nails Mick with a clothesline. Pair of bastards. Trips goes top rope and Mick accidentally hits the ropes, dropping him on his dick. Mick gets the Mandible claw in. Chyna pulls on Mick’s legs, giving him a low blow. Trips comes out and tosses Mick into the barricade before pounding on him. Both men go into the crowd and the ref – with the fastest ten count in the world – counts out both gentlemen.

Both Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Mankind have been counted out in 13:14.

2017 comments:

Damn. What a curtain-jerker. Spot after spot after spot. Barely felt three minutes long and went for thirteen! Amazing show.

1997 comments:

Mick AND Chyna? Is there a higher number than eleven stars?

Grade: A.

The pair brawl through the crowd and go for the penalty box. Both men are battering through the crowd and the Calgary ones love it. Ref goes tumbling and people try to break it up.

Replays of the match. They could have shown the whole match for the replay, so good was it. Both men take super bumps and put on a great show.

Shite promo where there was a parade and Mrs. Calgary 1997, Diana “no emotion whatsoever” Smith, Bulldog’s wife. Bret Hart went out to sign things for lads. Fans lined for a mile, apparently. Bret signed each one. What a lad. The Fed were given the key to the city, apparently. Bret turned up to… something.

On the Card will return on July 13 2017 with the second part of In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede.

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Attitude Era #13. King of the Ring (June 8, 1997) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: LOD were in a match with the Hart Foundation and no cunt sold.

Backstage, Mankind tells us he doesn’t feel like a million bucks and that Trips might have to drive a train into him to win tonight. He also drops a Lion King reference.

The two lads who open the doors at the entrance might very well be Matt and Jeff Hardy, I will wager. Mankind walks out, rubbing his neck and looking creepy. JR tries to put the Mandible Claw over by saying that it smells.

HHH comes out alongside our lady Chyna. She has a tattoo on her back, just over her left shoulder. I honestly never noticed that. Huh.

Cut to earlier tonight when Ahmed shouted at Chyna, was Pearl Harboured by Trips and lost his match. Chyna is standing mid-ring, staring at Mankind. Trips gives him a wee bow like a big bollocks. The ref tells Chyna to fuck off and the bell rings.

King of the Ring Final: Mankind vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Chyna).

JR is telling us that Mankind’s neck is sore, which is probably true. Is this going to be the storyline here? Mankind has a bit of a crook in the old neck? JR follows it up with asking, “What’s harder to believe? King Mankind or Queen Chyna?”

Nothing is happening in the ring. JR is bigging these two up, saying both men have incredibly high IQs. JR name-checks the dude – Dude Love. Mankind has turned face by this point and is on his way to super-duper-stardom. Right now, however, the match is the drizzling shits. Nice bit where Mankind Irish whips Trips into the ropes, goes for the Claw and Trips rolls out of the ring. Cerebral Assassin. Some smelly ECW mark on the hard cam.

JR mixes in stories about Mick Foley’s life here and there. Interesting how they’re mixing the kayfabe – that Mankind is a deranged, psychopathic man – with shoot – that he is a guy named Mick Foley who has wrestled under the names of Mankind, Dude Love and Cactus Jack. JR makes a reference to Mankind getting low blowed and his voice raising an octave afterwards. He explains it. Vince already got it.

The pace is quickened as Trips takes over. Lovely swinging neckbreaker and attacks to the neck. The pace is slow and the most exciting part of this match is the commentary. Trips knocks Mankind right on his hole. The crowd are dead at this point. No chants. No nothing.

Trips knocks Mankind down and he crawls right to Chyna, who bops him. Mankind low blows Trips with his heel. Mankind goes to hit Trips on the ropes and gets caught in a hangman – the very move that lost him his ear. He escapes – losing his mask in the process – and Trips baseball slides him. The crowd is still dead. There’s a chant of some description starting. Lovely knee drops to the back of Mick’s head. A chant starts up! Finally! What is it?

Boooooring! Boooooring!

Oh. Well that is very disappointing, Rhode Island!

Pin attempt by Mick after he drops Trips on the ropes. Botched double-legged-nothing from both men. The match is ten minutes old by this point and nowhere near the end, it seems. Mick drives the knee into Trip’s face. Lovely wee sign in the crowd that says, “Chyna! Beat me!”

Trips does a Shawn Michaels spot in the corner and turns himself inside out. Tree of woe and a punch to the face. Both men go out and Trips takes a back body drop bump on the concrete. Fucking idiot. Mankind follows it up with an elbow drop. Both of them are morons. Double-arm DDT from Mankind. He gets the pin but Chyna has the referee distracted. When he returns for the three-count, Trips kicks out. How convenient. Trips attempts a Pedigree, but it’s countered. Trips turns it into a sunset flip but Mankind hits the Claw. The crowd are excited! The crowd are-

Oh, it’s okay, don’t stand up, guys, Chyna just dragged Mick out and killed the pace. Trips rips the mask off Mick and goes to the top rope. Mick hits the Claw up there and gets a thumb to the eye. Lovely inverted atomic drop to Trips and a pin attempt but no dice. Mick clotheslines Trips over and Chyna is watching the ref carefully. Mankind goes for another elbow and bops his head off the barricade. The ref is jawing off to Chyna and Trips takes the time to put the Mickster on the announcer’s table and Pedigree him through. It does not break as convincingly as it should. Mick is up, though, giving it the LOD selling, tossing chairs about. Chyna is up, with her steel sceptre, hitting Mick on the back with it. Trips knees Mick off the apron and he lands on a photographer. Ha!

Trips rolls Mankind into the ring, goes for the smug pin but Mick kicks out! There is a tiny pop. Another Pedigree in the ring and Trips finally gets the pin.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley has pinned Mankind. The winner of this match in 19:26 and 1997 King of the Ring is Hunter Hearst Helmsley!

2017 comments:

Jesus, Mick. What possessed you to think you could go twenty minutes in any match, never mind the second match of the night? It was fifteen minutes of shite and five minutes of car-crash wrestling. I had to listen to Vince talk, Mick. Vince!

1997 comments:

Twelve out of ten.

Grade: C.

JR says Mankind looks like he’s been in a car wreck. Just wait, JR. Just wait, one year. You’ll soon see what a car wreck looks like. Trips shouts at Todd Pettingill. JR calls Chyna a Jezebel! Is this the first time he uses that phrase? Perhaps. Todd announces that Trips is the new King of the Ring and gives him his robe and crown. He gets Chyna to put the robe on and then beats Mankind with the crown. He’s a reeeeeeal piece of shit.

Big boos for the blueblood. Vince warns us that we should get used to calling him King Trips. Probably not true.

Mankind rolls down the aisle after the heels.

Promo for the upcoming Shawn Michaels/Stone Cold match. It started when Michaels was coming back from his injury and was in a tag team match versus Owen and Bulldog. They worked well together until Bret turned up and the Hart Foundation kicked the shite out of everyone. Austin left Shawn and beat on Bret. Lots of ego in the room with the two Texans. The narrator asks us if this match was set up by Bret. Because he’s known as a Machiavellian trickster.

Back in the arena and we see JR and Vince sitting by their broken table as they wank off Mankind a bit more.

Bret’s music hits and down he comes to do commentary. Behind him, Flyin’ Brian Pillman is swiping at fans. Owen and Anvil are there too with Bulldog. Faith No More Guy AKA The Dude is in the crowd. Bret tells the crowd to shut up. He tells us that he’s no longer a cripple or invalid. Bret hates promos and he’s not very good at them. He’s constantly correcting his lines. He introduces the rest of the Hart Foundation (only one of them who is actually a Hart) and he calls them The Hart Foundations. With an S. Cut to the crowd where two kids are holding an Austin 3:16 shirt and one of them is wanking himself off. Classy.

Bret issues a challenge to any five wrasslers in the WWF to come to Calgary for Canadian Stampede and take on the Hart Foundation. He issues this because it’s payback time. He reckons people will pretend to be injured. He then calls it, “In Yer Haise” and slags America. There’s no way back, forever. What a shitty, shitty promo. Shame on you, Bret Sergeant Hart.

Vince gives Bret his headset. People start pushing and shoving. Earl Hebner appears in a suit and Gerald Brisco is there, too, shouting at Bret. Someone behind them has spelled Hart Foundation “Heart Foundation” on their sign. Brian Pillman picks up a lamp and points it at people. It’s all very weird. JR is telling everyone that the Hart Foundation should be taken to jail, arrested. It’s not a lot of fun to watch and very confusing. It’s realistic, yes, it looks real, but it doesn’t look fun.

Backstage, Stone Cold and Dok Hendrix are chatting. Both Austin and Michaels are Tag Team champs. He does mention that he gets more money as a champion. He strolls off and Vince wonders why he is so popular despite the fact that he’s an awful bastard. He leaves to go on his way to the arena and walks into the Hart Foundation, shouting at them. He walks straight into the arena. Smashing glass. Big fucking pop.

What a lad. He’s jawing off to Irish Referee Tim White. Cut to a replay from earlier where he tosses Brian Pillman down the loo.

Backstage, Dok and Shawn talk about the match despite the fact that they’re champs. Shawn jumbles his words and walks off because he’s ballooned off his tits, allegedly. Dok tells us that it’s the craziest King of the Ring that he’s ever been involved in. Debatable.

Cute little kid in the crowd. We get a big shot of the King of the Ring doormen. It’s not the Hardys after all. Shawn comes out and raises one hand, hits his Sexy Boy pose in the aisle. Shawn looks so high. He keeps getting grabbed by fans. That’s cool. They’re allowed to do that, I suppose. He hits the sexy boy pose mid-ring and stumbles around, winged. The bell rings as both men square off.

Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels.

Stone Cold’s back is to the hard cam and the pair are having a jaw wag. Stone Cold is pushing Shawn’s hips for a bit and the bell goes twice more before they even lock up. Lovely run of the ropes and a shove down by Austin. He gives Michaels the double birds and shouts at the crowd for a while. Austin shouts at the crowd, calling the ref over. Shawn walks outside and over to a gaggle of security guards who are pinning down a… kid with Downs Syndrome? Ah, lads.

Stone Cold stops this lovely moment, however, by strolling over and beating on Michaels. The pair of them battle in the ring and Shawn gives Austin the double bird, rocks outside and helps the Special Olympian who has fallen over the barricade.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: There are differing reports about this, but apparently members of the Special Olympics were in attendance at the show – and were apparently introduced earlier in the PPV but it doesn’t appear on the DVD I have – and this young man, a fan of Shawn, jumped the barricade to stick up for his hero. Fair play to him.

Stone Cold holds the ropes for Michaels but pops in before Shawn gets to the apron. Lovely arm twists from Austin and the pair twist each other about for a bit before a headlock takedown drops to a lovely rest hold. Austin picks Michaels up, runs him to the corner and Michaels runs up the turnbuckle, drops to a takedown, runs the ropes and is hit by Stone Cold, who hits the Sexy Boy pose mid-ring. Lots of chain wrestling and reversals. JR talks about the lads trainers and fathers, all big, respected men. Michaels goes for a Lou Thesz press, gets caught into an Atomic Drop and jumps out to pelt Michaels in the face with a big old punch.

Stone Cold suplexes Michaels in off the apron but it is reversed into a pin attempt. Mankind reportedly refuses medical attention backstage. The dope. Stone Cold pops outside the ring, threatens to leave and goes back to the ring. He offers a show of strength to Michaels, calls him a chicken, gets Michaels in the gut, shouts at him and Irish Referee Tim White asks if Michaels would like to quit. He does not.

JR reminds us that Stone Cold bust his lip last year. Big back body drop and no one gets pinned. Austin hits the ropes and knocks a cameraman onto his hole. Shawn has a bit of a rest, holding Austin’s arms. Big Thesz press and JR calls these boys “the new generation”. Lots of pin attempts and wraps and chain wrestling. This is stuff you’d never see from Stone Cold after his big injury. Shawn is tossed outside and they have a chat as Stone Cold beats him on the apron, knocking him into the barricade. Stone Cold removes the mats on the outside to expose the concrete floor. He tosses Michaels onto the barricade. Austin enters the ring and rolls out again. He and Michaels exchange punches outside. Michaels goes facefirst into the steel steps and Austin Gorilla presses him onto the concrete. JR tells us that Stone Cold could care less about the crowd and would be happy wrestling in an empty building as long as he was getting paid.

In the ring, Michaels hits a roll-up and Austin goes to Bret’s rope – the most dangerous rope – and hits the Bionic elbow. He kicks out and he and Austin jaw off for a bit. Austin lifts the legs onto the ropes like a real piece of shit as he clinches in the old sleeper hold. Irish Referee Tim White sees the ropes shaking but wily Austin is too fast. He’s… he’s a snake. A rattlesnake. From Texas. Tim White sees Austin cheating and JR tells us that Austin is loved and revered for cheating. Austin is tossed out by Michaels and leans against the barricade. Shawn hits a baseball slide and JR tells us that Shawn fans are high-pitched and Austin fans have a bit of bass to their voices. Austin gets given a suplex from the apron and both men go down. Shawn kips up and Austin is up to. Back-body drop to Stone Cold and an Atomic Drop. Austin sidesteps a spear and Shawn’s arse is in the air as his shoulder goes into the turnbuckle. Austin pulls Shawn’s trunks and exposes his hole.

Michaels gets turned inside out on the turnbuckle and Irish Referee Tim White takes a bump. Austin catches Michael’s Sweet Chin Music and hits the Stunner but the ref is still down. He stuns the ref, the bastard, and eats a Sweet Chin Music. A new ref pops in, doesn’t do the pin and instead checks on Tim. Nice man. The second ref eats a Sweet Chin Music. Austin finally kicks out. Shawn is quite angry. A third man – Earl Hebner – comes in and gives off to both men, double disqualifying both men. Austin goes to get the belts, tries to hit Shawn with the belt and more refs appear to break up this nonsense.

The match has ended in a double disqualification in 22:29.

2017 comments:

Easily the best match of the PPV so far, not because of its tremendous quality, but simply because the rest of the PPV was a slog.

1997 comments:

All the referees!

Grade: B.

It all falls apart in ring as the competitors shout at each other. People are throwing things into the ring and the crowd are chanting, “Bullshit!” They leave together with Gerry Brisco behind them.

On the Card will return on June 29 2017 with the fourth and final part of King of the Ring 1997.

Attitude Era #13. King of the Ring (June 8, 1997) Part 1

On the Card: Attitude Era #13 King of the Ring 1997 – June 8, 1997

In the previous entry, I looked at In Your House, the fifteenth of its name. It had a Taker vs. Stone Cold match. I see what they did there. The next PPV was King of the Ring, the second I have reviewed since starting this blog.

Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF King of the Ring 1997

“It’s Bound to Get Medieval. Brace Yourself.”

Kings. Rings. Medieval. I see where they were going with this. However, of the one hundred and ninety-five countries in the world, only… forty-four of them have monarchies. Forty-four? Huh. That’s a lot more than I expected. I had a whole bit about how archaic monarchies are but… But surely not that many of them can be absolute monarchies, right?

Oh, wait, seven are absolute, sixteen are commonwealth realms and twenty-one are constitutional. Shit. What an archaic system. I mean, democracy isn’t perfect but God damn who still wants to be ruled by a family?

Oh, wait, the WWF is ruled by the McMahons. Let’s continue.

The poster has Shawn, Taker, Stone Cold and Ahmed Johnson and threatens to be a damn good show. Let’s see if it’s true.

The announcer tells us that tonight will be the night of firsts: Shawn and Stone Cold are going to put aside their tag team belts to kick the shite out of each other for no gold; we might see Faarooq as the first WWF champion and what a champion the heel black-supremacist will be and the announcer even reminds us that Faarooq has manipulated the Nation of Domination; someone new will be crowned the King of the Ring for the first time, despite the fact that there have only been four other PPV KOTR competitions and even if you include the normal tournaments, of the previous winners, only four other men are active competitors in the WWF at the time (Owen Hart, Bret Hart, Mabel and Stone Cold) sooooo… ppftttt.

Speaking of, farty pyro hits and crappy music as Vlad cheers, welcoming us to the Super-Soaker-sponsored Providence Civic Centre in Providence, Rhode Island, where our announce team is Screaming Vince McMahon and Jumping Jim Ross. Immediately, the crowd is on fire. It is a real Attitude Era crowd here, one year after Stone Cold uttered the famous Austin 3:16 promo and half the signs are some play on it. There’s still a lot of kids and young girls in the crowd. That will teeter off over the next wee while, I’ll bet. 9,312 souls in attendance and 177,000 PPV buys at home or thereabouts.

Jumping Jim Ross tells us that it’s like the Superbowl here, with the same atmosphere. Vince tells us (and the cameraman) to follow him to the other announce teams who don’t have names on the screen: Tito Santana and Carlos Cabrera for Mexico with Raymond Rougeau and Jean Brassard. He can barely pronounce their names.

Ahmed’s music hits and down he strolls to the ring, spitting water and wearing a fetching handlebar moustache. He pours water everywhere. The crowd pop for him. He slaps hands, looks like he hardly knows who he is and gets annoyed at a fan for putting their sign in front of the camera. JR reminds us that Ahmed is a big lad. He hops into the ring and jumps, throwing up some westside signs. Westside is the bestside.

The EU music hits and down comes Trrrrrrrriple H with our girl Chyna. Chyna without her implants and looking fantastic. Vince tells us they are chiselled from granite. She hops up and enters the ring through Bret’s rope. We are told that Ahmed and Trips faced each other in the first round, which Ahmed won, but – apparently – Trips was unaware that a loss to Ahmed would mean elimination from the tournament, and so was given a second match versus fellow heel Crush, who he beat, allowing Trips to go through. Vader apparently broke his nose in his match with Ken Shamrock back in A Cold Day in Hell and so could not fight Crush. He fought Ahmed at Raw instead, but lost. So both Ahmed and Trips have fought twice to get to this point.

Vince tells us that Trips is an American blueblood. JR tells us that most American households have $900. The bell rings.

(Note: Before the PPV began there was a match on Free-For-All featuring The Headbangers, Mosh and Thrasher defeating Billy Gunn (no longer in his Rockabilly getup) and Jesse James.)

King of the Ring Semi-Final: Ahmed Johnson vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Chyna).

Trips and Chyna stare at Ahmed. Ahmed stares back. Ahmed gets a pop from the crowd. Chyna leaves the ring. JR tells us how tough Ahmed has had a life and how he left home and joined the Bloods. Trips had a wrasslin’ tutor. Ahmed tosses Trips and curls his finger at him. Lock up and a headlock. Trips runs at Ahmed, who shoulder tackles him to the crowd. Some smells mark in the crowd in a Sunny T-shirt whoops. Ahmed courtesies to Trips and calls for a show of strength. Ahmed slowly walks from the corner before Ahmed Gorilla presses him into the air. Vince asks us to forget about it.

Trips rolls out onto those lovely new mats on the ground. Ahmed is showboating and grandstanding. He reenters the ring. Ahmed looks like a sexual predator. Irish whip into the corner and Ahmed jumps back out and knocks Trips down. He goes for the body slam and elbow but misses. Ahmed is tossed out and Hunter is after him, tossing him into the ring steps. A countout starts and a boo for Helmsley. Ahmed tries to get into the ring but a baseball slide knocks him out. Trips goes to the top rope and a double axe handle smash – the most devastating move in wrasslin – knocks Ahmed back down. He shrugs off blows from Trips and knocks him down. Vince tells us that Trips is intimidated by Ahmed. A scissor kick to Trips kidney knocks him down again. Nice wee spinebuster and Ahmed calls for the Pearl River Plunge. He lifts up Trips and – predictably – Chyna interrupts. Trips takes advantage, hits a potentially dangerous Pedigree and gets the pin.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley has pinned Ahmed Johnson in 7:42.

2017 comments:

Crap curtain-jerker, but we always knew it would be because Trips has another match at the end of the night and Ahmed can’t wrassle for toffee.

1997 comments:

I can’t stay mad at you, Chyna.

Grade: C.

Trips disappears backstage, followed by the ref, who is trying to tell him he won. Ahmed sprints after them, big head of steam on him.

There is little time to breathe as Mankind rolls down to the ring, still in his brown gear and getting a bit of a pop from the audience. Even Vince comments on it.

Cut back to Raw on Monday, where Mankind attacked Jerry Lawler as he was doing commentary. Irish Referee Tim White called the match. Great lad.

Mankind has the mic and gives off that Paul Bearer isn’t there. It won’t stop Mankind, though. He’s going to be King of the Ring. There’s a wee bit of history lesson there, too. Cut to the crowd and girls not giving a fuck about this promo as someone in bad Sting makeup hangs out behind. Mankind reveals to us that he is, “Mrs. Foley’s baby boy.” Break kayfabe much? Mankind riffs about the Emperor’s new clothes, says that the only thing worse than Jerry being naked is Mankind being naked, apparently.

Backstage, ould Todd Pettingill reveals that in his match vs. Goldust, he cheated and got his comeuppance quickly. King takes the mic, walks into the ring and begins to cut a promo on the crowd. Some buck in the audience has a Dude Love sign. He turns to a woman and suggests that the massage parlour is closed. He turns to another guy and asks him if the parole officer knows where he is. People give him the fingers. Jerry slags off Mankind for a bit and laughs at his ear. He reveals that Mankind’s mother couldn’t tell the difference between his arse and his face and suggested she had conjoined twins. Jerry stays out of the ring, but the bell rings anyways.

King of the Ring Semi-Final: Mankind vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler.

Mankind starts on Jerry and bounces his head off the announcers table. Jerry, amazingly, doesn’t blade straight away. Mankind pulls at Jerry’s nose and beats on him for a while, biting him. The crowd chant something as Mankind beats on Jerry, goes for the Mandible Claw, but King disappears, slipping out. Jerry distracts the ref, takes out some brass knuckles and whips Mankind before slipping them into the tights and hitting the bulldog. Mankind goes flying out. More crowd chants. I think they’re chanting, “Burger King”.

JR reminds us that Mankind has lost half an ear. Lawler exposes it and attempts to bite it. King is, of course, not actually the King of the Ring. Another whip of the brass knuckles and Jerry is still in control, Irish whipping Foley into the ropes and giving him a lovely punch. They brawl to the outside and Jerry’s head bounces off the barricade and then into the steel ring steps. JR name-checks Cactus Jack – and so all the faces of Foley have been mentioned this evening. Jerry tosses Mankind into the barricade. Shouting between King and the ref. Replay of Jerry dodging Mankind and a gruesome piledriver from Jerry to Mankind. A ten-count starts, Mankind gets on the apron and Jerry dropkicks his face. Another piledriver mid-ring and a big whoo from the crowd followed by a two-count.

Jerry goes to get the brass knucks from his tights. The ref gives off, asks him to show his hands and sees that Jerry has nothing in his paw. Mankind fights back, holding his head in pain. Big leg drop from the man himself and Jerry gets a back body drop. King goes top rope, gives Mankind a wee punch, goes for the third piledriver but Mankind counters and hits the Mandible Claw. Jerry stops moving and the ref calls the match in Mankind’s favour.

Mankind has defeated Jerry “The King” Lawler by knockout in 10:24.

2017 comments:

Ugh. I mean, it’s Mick, so, you know, eleven stars or whatever, but it’s also Jerry so minus them all again.

1997 comments:

I can’t stay mad at you, Mankind.

Grade: C.

Mankind is getting cheers. Vince is very surprised. Face turn, perhaps?

On the Card will return on June 15 2017 with the second part of King of the Ring 1997.

Attitude Era #12. In Your House 15: A Cold Day in Hell (May 11, 1997) Part 1

On the Card: Attitude Era #12 In Your House 15: A Cold Day in Hell – May 11, 1997

In the previous entry, I looked at In Your House, the fourteenth of its name and its subtitle was Revenge of the ‘Taker. Yeah, not Undertaker… ‘Taker. Oh, old Vince would have gone bananas over young Vince for that. It was an okay PPV, as they all seem to be these days. The next PPV was its sequel: A Cold Day in Hell.

Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF In Your House 15: A Cold Day in Hell 1997

“There’s gonna be a whole lotta whoop-ass goin’ on!”

Ha. That tagline was obviously not written by Stone Cold. It may as well have said, “And this here is gonna be the final say because Steve Austin told you!”

The grey-blue screen reminds us that we’re watching WWF and then moves to that old familiar video of crosses and the moon and Undertaker talking slowly interspliced with images of Taker and Stone Cold. We hear their voices and some quotes far better than the one above.

Farty pyro starts off the show as Jumpin’ Jim Ross announces a happy Mother’s Day and welcomes us to the sold-out Richmond Coliseum in Richmond, Virginia for the fifteenth In Your House event. Wonder how many mothers are there? No idea, but I can tell you that there are 9,381 people in attendance and 201,565 watching at home. I’m sure some of them are mothers.

Our announcers are JR and Jerry “The King” Lawler. We see the main event: Undertaker and Stone Cold. There’s a sub-main-event: Vader vs. Ken Shamrock in his first PPV event as a competitor. Another match will be Ahmed Johnson vs. all three members of the NOD.

No time to chat! Farty pyro goes off once again and Flash Funk appears without his Funkettes. He rocks to the ring alone, but he’s such a big old face that the crowd don’t seem to care. The Spanish announcers today are Tito Santana and Carlos Carbrera. Hugo Savinovich is not here today. I could not find out why. The French announce team appear as well, which is nice of them. It’s Ray Rougeau and Jean Brassard. They make silly faces. JR mentions that the Funkettes aren’t here and Jerry wonders that it might be because Chyna is ringside and they are concerned for their wellbeing.

Big old European Union song hits and out strolls Teeeeerrrrrrripple H and our lady Chyna. Some smelly mark at ringside tugs at Hunter’s coat. He barely reacts. The audience are alongside and below the level of the ramp, which is weird. Replays of old televised events where Chyna gives Mankind a low blow in previous matches. She’s a cheeky lassy.

(Note: Before the PPV began there was a match on Free-For-All featuring Rockabilly defeating Jesse James. I actually have that match on this DVD for some reason but I would rather not watch it.)

Flash Funk vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Chyna).

The two men lock up mid-ring and Flash does a lovely sexy dance. Trips fights back and Flash gets him in a headlock, runs the ropes, lovely athleticism and selling from Helmsley as Flash shoulder barges, jumps and hip tosses. Cut to the audience where we see five empty seats for the Hart Foundation to sit in. We saw them during Free-For-All.

Flash does a bunch of rolls and flips and kicks HHH out before doing an awkward jump to the turnbuckle and cross-body. He hits a baseball slide but misses and as Trips grabs the ref to protect himself, Chyna knocks Flash down. Big boos from the crowd. Chyna is stony-faced. Mid-ring, Trips takes over, runs the ropes, hits the high knee and slaps Flash’s chest with Flair chops. Trips taunts mid-ring and JR notes that Chyna is not there for moral support. Jerry makes a Cunt Trump reference.

Chyna pulls the legs out from underneath Flash and hits a suplex, chokes Flash (who slaps like a girl, hilariously) and has a lovely rest hold. Rest hold city. Big boot to the face from a prone Flash and Trips keeps Flash down, who rolls outside. Trips gets him on the apron and, after a while, knocks him down onto the steel ramp. This is the first time we’ve seen a steel ramp in a PPV. Trips rolls Funk in, goes top-rope, hits a top-rope nothing (with theatrics) and Flash lifts the boot up to crack Trips’ face, who Flair flops. Almost no selling from Trips as he’s back up, getting chopped by Flash and a lovely back body drop and clothesline. He goes to the corner, hits a slingshot spinning leg-drop followed by a reverse cross-body and refuses the pin. Helmsley takes the Shawn inside-out-bump in the corner, but as Flash goes top-rope again, Trips gets behind him and hits a backdrop (that Flash oversells and lands face-first on the ground. Trips hits the Pedigree for the win.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley has pinned Flash Funk in 10:05.

2017 comments:

An okay opener, but it’s all Flash Funk. Trips does not sell well and although he has moments of brilliance, he calls the rest in.

1997 comments:

I love this Chyna woman but she hates men’s balls.

Grade: B.

Chyna lifts up Flash Funk, trots him around the ring and drops him balls-first on the top rope. The rascal. Trips laughs his arse off.

Replays and then cut to JR mid-ring as he’s telling the audience that they’re about to speak to Ken Shamrock. There is some footage of Shamrock in UFC. Shamrock is on the screen and hits a weirdly intense promo before showing the Vader/Mankind attack from earlier in the night.

Mankind rocks out with some lovely smoke rolling across the floor. JR drops a quip that Mankind has been dropping elbows on his classmates since he was a child. Cut to the Mankind/Undertaker match where he hits a fireball onto Undertaker’s face.

Backstage, Rocky is chatting with Todd. Replays of the Survivor Series in November and Rock winning the Intercontinental title in Feb and losing it to Owen in April. Rock spouts a quick promo, nothing compared to the ones he’ll have later, bless him. He comes to the ring with a bit of a fanfare and we learn that he is the first third-generation wrassler, apparently.

Mankind vs. Rocky Maivia.

Mankind rocks in the corner and Rock spaces in the ring. The ref stands between them and as Rocky stands, turns and checks his elbow pads, Mankind jumps up and Rock beats him, tossing him out of the ring. Mankind pulls Rock out, rakes the back, bounces his head off the apron, rolls in and boots on Rock. JR mentions that we have not seen Paul Bearer in ages. Lovely powerslam from Rock and an elbow. Rock has Mankind in an arm bar, holding the Mandible Claw back. Mankind escapes, runs and Rock slips the legs out from under him before Rock gets tossed outside and takes a senton from the apron from Mick. Big punch and Rock is on his knees outside. Mankind pulls Rock in, puts him in the corner and punches in him. JR mentions that the WWF magazine calls Mankind a “loving father”. Bit of kayfabe-breaking there.

Mankind squeals like a pig, lifts up Rock, bounces his head off the turnbuckle, runs at him in the corner but Rock casually strolls away. Double clothesline and both men are down. Rock snapmares Mankind over the top rope and both men brawl on the ramp. Rock hits a Rock Bottom on the ramp and the sound is enough to make my guts churn. My God. Rock rolls Mankind back in, attempts the pin and fails. JR asks “how in the hell do you learn to fall on a steel grating?” Jerry says, “watch your mouth. Pottymouth Ross.” The show is called “A Cold Day in Hell”. Come on.

Mankind gives Rock a fantastic clothesline and takes an inside cradle and clothesline from behind. JR says that Mankind might be knocked out – and he sells it well with his arm in a weird position. Rock hits his shoulder-breaker, goes for the cross-body on the top rope and Mankind rolls through into the Mandible Claw, getting the win.

The Rock has submitted to Mankind’s Mandible Claw. Mankind wins by submission in 8:46.

2017 comments:

It’s nice to see Rock and Mick together, but it’s sad that it wasn’t that great of a match. Sick bump onto the outside, but otherwise forgettable.

1997 comments:

Mick Foley was in it, Match of the Year.

Grade: B.

Barely time to celebrate before we cut to JR in the ring telling the audience that they are ready for the Gauntlet match with Ahmed Johnson vs. the NOD. We see a replay of Crush fighting three men in a row to show how hard he is. I can’t see who these two nameless wrestlers are but the third one was Ahmed.

On the Card will return on May 18 2017 with the second part of In Your House 15: A Cold Day in Hell.

ATTITUDE ERA #10: WRESTLEMANIA 13 (Mar 23, 1997) PART 2

Previously on On the Card: It’s Mosh! It’s Thrasher! It’s Rock and big daddy Kish!

Backstage, Todd Pettengill is speaking to Ken Shamrock. I love Shamrock. He gets the armlock on Billy Gunn, gets a drop-toe hold on Billy and then gets the ankle lock. Ken says he will be a fair and just ref but also kick the shite out of anyone who crosses him.

Cut to Dok Hendrix, who is interviewing Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Chyna! Oh, glorious Chyna! What a wonderful woman! Dok asks what the relationship is with Chyna. Trips says, “You don’t need to know anything about [our relationship].” He says he’s going to fight Goldust and for Marlena to watch out for Chyna.

Ode to Joy hits and out comes Trips with Chyna. Two signs, side by side in the crowd: “When Hunter and Chyna get silly, who got the willy?” and “Hunter+Chyna, who wears the pants in the family!” there is also a question mark there, floating mysteriously on the card. Vince laughs at it, and so continues the “is Chyna a man?” jokes that started at Final Four when she grabbed at Marlena. Nice, WWF. Very progressive. The announcers continue to slag her. King says she was such an ugly baby that she was breastfed by her father.

The Slammy-award-winning Best Couple of 1996 come down, Goldust and Marlena. I love Goldust. He pops into the ring with his lovely big wig and cloak. Marlena is on the outside. Gold dust falls from the sky.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/ Chyna) def. Goldust (w/ Marlena) via pin in 14:28.

Goldie is having a squat mid-ring. That’s what he thinks of Trips. They stare at each other until Goldie explodes from his sitting position to take down Trips. Irish whip and Goldie falls to his knees, cracks Trips with the uppercut and goes for the ten punch but not before spitting on Chyna. Brilliant. Lovely atomic drop and Trips is thrown out of the ring. Chyna watches on, looking fantastic.

I am a bit of a Chyna mark and I cannot tell you how it began or why. I just love her. I think he’s wonderful.

Trips is on the apron and Goldust bops him, wrapping HHH up in an Andre the Giant spot, arms in the ropes. The announcers slag Helmsley’s nose and Goldust throws him back into the ring. Airhorn in the audience and HHH fights back. Goldust hits a lovely powerslam on Trips, goes to top rope and HHH goes up to give Goldie a lovely superplex but Goldust fights back and is eventually thrown into the barricades. Chyna gives him the best side-eye you’ve ever seen. She’s a great woman. Trips throws Goldie back in, goes top rope, jumps and attemps a pin. Trips removes Goldust’s top and gives crazy slaps and stomps. Marlena is watching. Hunter hits a lovely Irish whip followed by another and a swinging neckbreaker.

Chyna has not moved once and is starting straight ahead. Vince says that Marlena is watching in anguish… she is not. Neither women are showing any form of emotion. Trips has Goldust in an abdominal stretch and Trips tries to grab for the ropes and the ref stops it. Good man yourself. Rest hold city between these boys and Hunter is trying his hardest to hold Goldust down. Goldie hits Trips in the nuts, fights back and gets a boot to the face for his effort. Lovely suplex by Trips and he goes to give the knee across Goldust’s forehead. Goldust lifts his hand, gets a pop from the crowd and finally fights back, getting some nice slaps in and a DDT for his effort.

Another Irish whip, a pin attempt followed by pin attempt followed by Trips getting his energy back. Hunter lifts Goldust up and another pin attempt. Lovely cross-body and Goldust gets knocked down. Trips goes top rope and Guldust… butt butts him out of mid air. Keister clobber, according to King. Goldust fights back and trips is wrapped right around the turnbuckle. Lovely bulldog from Goldust and almost a pin attempt.

Chyna is moving! Fuck the action in the ring! Chyna is moving to Marlena! Goldust attempts the Curtain Call and it is reversed into the Pedigree and reversed again into the Curtain Call. Goldust sees Chyna standing with Marlena, walks over and straight-up lifts Marlena up onto the apron. Trips bumps Goldust from behind and Marlena flies into Chyna’s arms. Bear hug ensues. Trips hits the Pedigree and Hunter gets the pin in 14:28.

2017 comments:

Not the best match from either men, but Chyna was there, so match of the year.

1997 comments:

It was just a spot with a match prelude.

Grade: B

Trips and Chyna high-five each other. Helmsley bows to his fallen enemies, leaves the ring and we see Goldust carry his wife backstage.

Cut to Shawn Michaels not being able to use his laptop, not unlike a spot he will recreate ten years later at Cyber Sunday 2006. The man beside him is no help whatsoever.

Back in the arena, it’s time, it’s time, it’s Vader time. Time for Vader. We have Mankind, Vader and Paul Bearer. These two men are pulled together for the sole reason because Paul has worked with them. Old Percy gives the camera a lovely wee wink.

British Bulldog and Slammy-Award-Winning Owen Hart. He has two Slammys. JR appears to ask Bulldog about Owen. Bulldog seems to have no idea what’s happening. Someone in the crowd has used their inkjet printer to create an Owen Hart poster.

WWF Tag Team Championship: Owen Hart and The British Bulldog (c) vs. Mankind and Vader (w/Paul Bearer) ends in double countout in 16:08.

Great. Let’s get this terrible party started.

This is a match that is thrown together with little build-up. JR makes a Ru-Paul reference, the cheeky bastard. Owen is due to start with Vader. Both men lock up and Vader slaps the shite out of Owen, cheering to the crowd. How can a man the size and strength of Vader be in a match with Owen and not toss him about like Brock? This should be a monster vs. man match to put Bulldog over. Imagine with Owen takes a beating forever and Vader orders about Mankind and then when the hot tag happens, Bulldog squares up to Vader and takes him down? Imagine it.

Vader beats on Owen and brings him to the corner to give the Vader Bomb. Bulldog sneakily bops Vader in the leg and Mankind comes in. Both men stomp on Bulldog for a bit and get the double clothesline. Then Owen gives them both a dropkick. Vince wonders if a tag has been made as Mankind and Bulldog are in. Lovely suplex from Bulldog and Vader pops in to get a suplex as well. Vader comes across as weak as a kitten. Christ, man, you’re four hundred pounds!

The crowd cheer Owen and JR plugs AOL. Yes, AOL. Brian Pillman, Sunny and Shawn were on it earlier. Brilliant. Shawn is still in the Fed, still looking for his smile. Mayhaps that was what he was searching for earlier? Vader hits Bulldog in the back of the head with the urn and Percy smiles like a child at the camera. Great. Vader hits Bulldog with a great suplex and now the big man is beating on our man Davey Boy, kicking seven shades of shite out of him. This is how it should be. Vader goes to Bret’s rope and hits a lovely splash on Bulldog. Mankind is tagged in and Mick goes crazy on Bulldog. Vince puts over the UK, as they are watching on Sky Sports (the same Sky Sports that my buddy Shane was taping this off!) and Mankind hits a great back-body drop on Bulldog.

Vader comes back in and Mankind rushes back to grab Bulldog so that he may not get the big tag onto Owen. Vader barges into Bulldog, goes to Bret’s rope and as he jumps, Bulldog catches him in mid-air to hit the powerslam. Hot tag to Owen and the wee man batters about the ring, hitting cross-bodies and pin attempts and kip-ups. Vader finally gets the best of him and both heels wave to the crowd like ghouls. Mankind is in and Bulldog rushes in, distracting the ref and allowing Vader to attack Owen. JR can’t say Vader’s name. He calls him Paul. Goose.

Mankind attempts to hit the suplex on Owen and fails, finally getting the guillotine on him. Cut to Stu and Helen Hart in the front row. Both people give about as much emotion as Diana Hart Smith. Remember her?

Lovely DDT to Mankind and knees to the midsection stop a lovely belly drop from Owen. Irish whip to the corner and spinning leg to stop Mankind. Pin attempt and Vader is back in. They’re keeping Owen and Bulldog away from each other. Vader is bopping Owen in the corner. JR (smartly) says that you need to isolate the smaller man – Owen – from the bigger man – Bulldog. Vader hits a great legdrop but Owen still fights back. Mankind is in, Owen is out, Bulldog is in and Owen hits a running belly-to-belly on Vader. Stu is watching the camera more than the match. Lovely kick to Mankind’s head and Bulldog is in. Vader’s mask goes flying. Mankind is thrown into the ringpost twice. Bulldog goes for the powerslam and Mankind gets on the Mandible Claw. Both Bulldog and Mankind fall out of the ring. Ref starts a super-fast count and both legal men are counted out in 16:08.

2017 comments:

Screwy finish and awful fast count. This match was leading up to something good but never reached it.

1997 comments:

Mick was in it. Match of the night… but wait… Chyna was in the other match. I’m torn.

Grade: B

Owen goes to Mankind, pulls at his hair and Vader breaks it up, throwing Owen into the steel steps. Mankind will not let go of Bulldog, but Vader pulls at his hair until he does, kicking and screaming. Owen goes to Bulldog and both Vader and Mankind leave. Bulldog is up on his feet within seconds and the pair of them go to get their tag titles.

On the Card will return on April 6 2017 with the third part of WrestleMania 13.

Attitude Era #9. In Your House 13: Final Four (Feb 16, 1997) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Bart Gunn, Goldust and Flash Funk get a payday.

Cut to the back and Stone Cold is staring out no-microphone-working Dok Hendrix, who is talking away but we hear naught. Someone should turn up the volume before they get stunnered! Slowly, the voice comes through. Hendrix tells Stone Cold that he does not have a clear cut victory against Undertaker, Vader or Bret. Stone Cold reminds him that he tossed all three out of the Royal Rumble and calls Dok a piece of trash and that there is a conspiracy by the hierarchy against Stone Cold. He also mentions that the “instant replay rule isn’t in effect,” meaning that it’s basically what the referees see counts. This is awesome as it kind of kayfabe-waves the fact that heels can cheat as long as they don’t get caught but it will be forgotten and the Fed will turn their back on this rule as it suits them.

Back in the ring, Hunter Hearst Helmsley is bowing to the crowd and getting ready to battle for the Intercontinental Championship. We see a show to Raw where The Rock, Rocky Maivia took a monstrous piledriver and kicked out. A superplex and he kicked out. Trips goes to give him a DDT and the Rock gives Helmsley an inside cradle and wins the damn Intercontinental Championship three months after his debut. Whaaaat.

Intercontinental Championship match: Rocky Maivia (c) (w/ Mr. Hughes) def Hunter Hearst Helmsley via pin in 12:30.

Referee Earl Hebner gives the bell a wee ring before even taking the belt out of the ring. Eejit.

Headlock from Trips and a dodgy toe hold to Rocky. He slaps the Rock’s head a few times. Jerry makes fun of Rocky’s parents and dead grandparents. In the ring, the Rock gives a lovely arm drag and slaps Trips before sharing smacks with him in the corner. JR tells us that Trips is trying to psyche The Rock out. Jerry mispronounces proboscis.

Another lovely arm drag takedowns and they have a sit down for a while. I’ll tell you what, JR and King make a great team on the announcer’s table. I know that they’re iconic and, in some ways, they’re the only announcing team that I respect and listen to, but I thought that there would be some easing in… no. They’re top class right off the bat. Trips throws Rock out, through the ropes. JR tells us that that would be an elimination in the Final Four matchup – sneakily telling us the rules of the matchup – and Trips baseball slides Rock on the face. Crowd chant for Rocky and the future Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment is covered in Goldust.

Trips hits Rock with an elbow and slingshot, hurting Rock’s throat. They have a wee chat in the corner and Trips hits a lovely “slupex” according to JR which King catches him on. Trips gets Rock in a choke hold and cheats by lifting the legs on the ropes. Earl physically hits Trips to tell him, “no!” and when Trips does it again, he swats the feet away. Balls on him. Lovely running of the ropes but Rocky gets knocked down. Inside cradle from Rock, but no dice and he batters on Rock’s head before taking off his bobble. Lovely backbreaker as King makes fun of Rock’s hair. The crowd chant, “Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!”

Rock fights back, runs the ropes, hits a lovely cross body, misses the missile dropkick as JR hits a promo for Western Union and the Superstar Line. Trips misses a knee to the face and Rock catches a foot and gets a clothesline for his effort. Trips goes top rope but Rock punches him in the tummy and gets the Atomic Drop. Irish whip to the corner and Shawn spot where Trips turns inside out. Lovely powerslam from Rock and Jerry tells us that he’s hot dogging. Big cross-body from the top rope and it gets a two-and-a-half-pin. Rock goes for the ten punch but Trips knocks him off, hits a pin with the legs up and kicks out. Rock attempts a botches a tiltawhirl DDT but Trips actually kicks out. Rock calls for the shoulder breaker and Goldust comes out!

The crowd goes bananas for my boy Goldust! He smacks his arse and Rock slides behind to get the backdrop with bridge for the pin in 12:30.

2017 comments:

Damn good match with both men trying their best and, yes, botching, but they’re pulling it all out of the bag. Nice to see Rock go top rope now and again.

1997 comments:

Who is this wonderful woman from the crowd?

Grade: A-

Rock walks straight past Goldust and allows him to get some heat with Trips. Marlena is there. The crowd are loving every second of this. Goldust goes to the apron and the camera cuts to – Jesus titty fucking Christ, someone in the crowd is strangling Marlena! It’s… It’s…

Motherfucking Chyna! Yes! My girl! My main event! The Ninth Wonder of the World! Chyyyyyynaaaa!

JR asks if it is a woman. Classy. One of the crowd is excited that a spot happened in front of him. Goldust cries, “Throw her in jail!” We see an instant replay of Chyna ruining Marlena’s day and the security coming to get Chyna.

On the Card will return on March 9 2017 with the fourth part of In Your House 13: Final Four 1997.

Attitude Era #8: Royal Rumble 1997 (Jan 19, 1997) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Mexicans steal the show!

In the ring, Howard Finkel tells us that there are 60,477 people in the Alamodome. I love how the Fed just love wanking themselves off over the size of their crowds. Fink tells us that the Royal Rumble is about to begin, with a new man joining each 90 seconds, eliminations can only take place by falling outside. The winner is the last man standing and they will face the WWF champ at Wrasslemania.

Our first entrant is Crush, coming in with his NOD team of JC Ice and Wolfie D with Immigration Clarence Mason and two unnamed NOD men. Only Shawn Michaels has won from the number one spot.

Number two comes out: Ahmed Johnson! What a wet fart.

The 1997 Royal Rumble.

A First Challenger Appears: Crush.

A Second Challenger Appears: Ahmed Johnson.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Ahmed slides in and Crush beats on him, picking up where Faarooq left off. Ahmed gets a big head of steam on him and Ahmed fights back, tossing him about. The two men roll around for a while and are aiming to kick seven shades of shite out of each other. They are just wasting time, waiting for number three to come out and the crowd is dead.

A Third Challenger Appears: Razor Ramon.

No theme Ramon comes out, the crowd boo and he gets stuck in, punching and building up a big head of steam before Ahmed throws him out for a bit of a pop.

Razor Ramon has been eliminated by Ahmed Johnson in 17 seconds.

Vince was obviously trying to give a wee bit of a “fuck you,” to the real Razor Ramon, who was in WCW. Ahmed throws Crush over the top rope but he holds on tight. Ahmed then leaps out of the ring, over the top rope, eliminating himself in his desperate chase after Faarooq, who has come to ringside.

Ahmed Johnson has been eliminated by Ahmed Johnson in 3:02.

Why didn’t he slide under the ropes? Dope!

Crush is all alone in the ring, arms on his hips when music hits! Who is it?

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Phineas I. Godwinn.

It’s Phineas with Hillbilly Jim. I haven’t seen this boy in quite some time, since the Survivor Series, in fact, just over two months ago. It’s good to see you back, Mideon. It will be even better when you carve shit on your face and crawl around the floor for a while. So far, there has been one spot in the match and the rest has been badly choreographed brawling. I understand that the men can’t use the whole ring due to the fact that there may be others there, but still.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Ohhhhh, business is about to pick up! I legit popped when I heard the smashing glass. It’s built into me, like when a someone hears a baby cry. Phineas and Crush start to work. Phineas tosses Stone Cold into the corner to a huge pop. Austin does not take kindly to that and when Crush holds Phineas, Austin hits a Bret’s Rope clothesline on him but Phineas ducks and throws Crush over the ropes.

Crush has been eliminated by Phineas I Godwinn in 6:17.

A timer pops up on the bottom of the screen to tell us that number six is coming in shortly. Stone Cold wastes no time in hitting the stunner on Phineas and tossing him out as Bart Gunn’s music hits.

Phineas I Godwinn has been eliminated by Stone Cold Steve Austin in 2:52.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Bart Gunn.

Bodacious Bart Gun runs to the ring as a dude who looks the spit of a time-travelling Michael Cole cheers him on from the crowd. We have number five and six in the match at the moment, let’s see how long they last.

Austin catches Bart and the pair have dodgy punches, an even dodgier leg drop and Austin tosses Bart out after a botch.

Bart Gunn has been eliminated by Stone Cold Steve Austin in 26 seconds.

Austin falls to the floor and does some push-ups. He sits on the turnbuckle and relaxes for some time, pretends to check his watch and the timer comes up to announce…

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Jack “The Snake” Roberts.

It’s the 1996 King of the Ring finalists! And they’re back! It’s a match eight months in the making!

Jake has a great head of steam and the crowd bay for a DDT but Jake is denying them it, holding Stone Cold in a lovely armbar. The ref sneaks in and takes Damien’s bag as it is just sitting mid-ring.

An Eighty Challenger Appears: The British Bulldog.

Bulldog runs to the ring and slips and slides in. During his entrance, we see on the Titantron behind him that Jack was eliminated! Yeah!

Jake “The Snake” Roberts has been eliminated by Stone Cold Steve Austin in 1:10.

Bulldog attacks Stone Cold, stomps a mudhole in him and walks it dry. Bulldog gets a semi-pop for this and continues to beat on Austin before hitting the running powerslam. He pulls on Austin’s pants as the Rattlesnake crawls for the ropes like a coward. The timer appears and…

A Ninth Challenger Appears: Pierroth.

Oh, it’s one of the AAA stars. Let’s see if the Fed stars give him any time at all in the ring. I hope they do, it will be lovely of them. Pierroth hits Bulldog and gets a gruesome spinebuster for his troubles. Bulldog returns to Austin but Pierroth interferes and hits a lovely snapmare. Austin gets involved and the Fed stars beat on the Mexican for a while. The timer pops up as Austin grips to the bottom rope.

A Tenth Challenger Appears: The Sultan.

Hey, now, it’s Rikishi in a mask with Shieky Baby! This is great. Rikishi used to be one of the members of the Headshrinkers, but it wasn’t until he got the Rikishi gimmick that he rocked the house. It’s a shame that his sons are shit. Sultan hits Pierroth with a lovely bodyslam and the timer appears AGAIN!

An Eleventh Challenger Appears: Mil Máscaras.

Another AAA star, Mil comes out for a wee jog, waving to the crowd and getting involved. Mil batters Sultan and hits a lovely lariat on the big man. Five lads in the ring, it’s the midcard spot at the moment where everyone just hugs each other and waits for the next person… and out he comes.

A Twelfth Challenger Appears: Hunter Hearst Helmsley.

Ode to Joy hits as Triple H slides into the ring, goes straight after Bulldog and pops him with a right hand. Sultan comes over to help eliminate them but Mil grabs trips. Bulldog hits a clothesline and Sultan does his lovely Rikishi bump before falling out of the ring.

The Sultan has been eliminated by The British Bulldog in 3:23.

Bulldog wastes no time in getting back involved and Stone Cold almost eliminates Trips, but he rolls back in. Austin replies with an elbow drop.

A Thirteeth Challenger Appears: Slammy Award Winning Owen Hart.

Fuck yes! And he arrives with his Slammy! What a man! The fucking Blue Blazer is in the match! There are still six men and we’re not even halfway through yet. Austin is about to be tossed out but Owen comes over and throws out Bulldog instead!

The British Bulldog has been eliminated by Slammy Award Winning Owen Hart in 8:04.

Bulldog and Owen argue for a bit as Owen goes to beat on Mil. The timer comes up and another sixth man will join the Rumble.

A Fourteenth Challenger Appears: Goldust.

Goldust! Woop! He runs to the ring like a mad pervert and Austin is on him instantly. Lovely bodyslam in the middle of the ring as Owen/Mil and Trips/Pierroth are to the side, trying to push each other over. Owen almost falls but saves himself. Everyone tries to throw Goldust out. The timer reappears…

A Fifteenth Challenger Appears: Cibernético.

Another AAA man comes in. Cibernético looks a bit like a Lucha married the Predator as he has dreadlock hair and a mask. Seven men in the ring now and it is looking super duper busy. We have three masks, one painted face, one singlet, tights and Stone Cold in pants. Nothing happens until the timer reappears.

A Sixteenth Challenger Appears: Marvellous Wildman Marc Mero.

He appears with Sable, and that’s all right by the crowd but in the middle of it, Cibernético is knocked out!

Cibernético has been eliminated by Mil Máscaras and Pierroth in 1:25.

Shortly afterwards, Mil turns on Pierroth and knocks him out, too!

Pierroth has been eliminated by Mil Máscaras in 10:32.

And then Mil goes to the top rope, jumps out and eliminates himself!

Mil Máscaras has been eliminated by Mil Máscaras in 7:28.

What a goose! Obviously the ring was getting busy and the Mexicans thought, “Let’s get out while the getting’s good!” and all left. Fair play to the boys, actually, they came in together and left together. Mil goes back into the ring and the refs tell him to leave. We have five men in the ring, all of them big names – Stone Cold, Triple H, Goldust, Marc Mero, Owen Hart. Mero slides in and goes for Owen. Goldust knocks Triple H out!

Hunter Hearst Helmsley has been eliminated by Goldust in 6:43.

Not a bad show from our man Trips. Mero and Goldust in one corner, Owen and Austin in another. The timer comes up to tell us someone else is due in as Sable and Marlena look on from outside.

A Seventeenth Challenger Appears: Latin Lover.

Oh poor Latin Lover, who is the final AAA guy to come in and appears when everyone else has left. Poor son of a bitch. He superkicks Owen, which is nice, hits a lovely snapmare on him, sells like a boss for Goldust and Owen is thrown out before skinning the cat. Goldust dodges a Latin Lover dropkick and is eliminated by Owen.

Goldust has been eliminated by Owen Hart in 5:33.

The timer appears as Goldust limps out.

An Eighteenth Challenger Appears: Faarooq Asad.

The NOD music hits and for the third time this PPV, Faarooq appears with some NOD lads. He quickly tosses out Latin Lover.

Latin Lover has been eliminated by Faarooq in 1:47.

And I was there, thinking, wow, Faarooq looks great for a guy who has been running away from Ahmed Johnson for the last half an hour or so, and then out comes Ahmed to a huge pop. Stone Cold rolls out of the ring and Ahmed hits Faarooq with the biggest two-by-four I have ever seen, tossing him over the rope.

Faarooq Asad has been eliminated by Ahmed Johnson in 47 seconds.

Nooooow, this is where the rules begin to get fucky. Earlier, Ahmed jumped over the top rope himself so Faarooq’s interference didn’t cost him the match, his own stupidity did. Here, Ahmed enters the ring, hits Faarooq, who falls out. You could argue that Faarooq was escaping the monster two-by-four but even then, a competitor who had been eliminated was in the ring, interfering with the match. Now what happens here? What are the rules? If the Fed were smart, they would have DQ’d Faarooq as soon as he appeared, or, if they wanted to cause some real heel shit, they could have stopped the match then, restarted it from Faarooq entering, with Stone Cold, Owen and Marc Mero in opposite corners. The match could have restarted, the others could have knocked out Faarooq, big babyface pop and the match could have continued.

Either way, NOD leave and Marc Mero and Owen are eliminated offscreen.

Marc Mero has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 3:53.

Owen Hart has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 8:29.

The timer pops up and once again, Stone Cold is alone in the ring. He calls for the next person.

A Nineteenth Challenger Appears: Savio Vega.

Out comes Flintstones cosplayer Savio and the two men batter lumps out of each other. Savio hits the catapult and a spinning heel kick to the heel Austin. Savio is guillotined and Austin tosses him out.

Savio Vega has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 29 seconds.

Austin is the loneliest man in the ring. He asks for more. More does not arrive instantly.

A Twentieth Challenger Appears: Jesse James.

It’s the Roadie, Jesse James and he jumps in, hits Stone Cold with some lovely right hands, hits the Elvis collars, gets a boot in the gut, is tossed to the apron and knocked off.

Jesse James has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 46 seconds.

Stone Cold for the record fourth time this match, is alone in the middle of the ring. He jaws off to the crowd for a bit, raises his hands and celebrates as only ten men are left. The timer appears and he sits top rope.

A Twenty-First Challenger Appears: Bret Hart.

What a pop! The Hitman walks out and Stone Cold begs for him to enter. Both superstars go at it mid-ring. Bret hits the atomic drop, hits the clothesline, punches Stone Cold in the corner. Austin gets for him to stop, but Bret does not. Bret don’t care. Bret counters an Irish whip and the timer comes up. Who will interrupt this great match?

A Twenty-Second Challenger Appears: Jerry Lawler.

It’s fucking Jerry! He goes in the ring as Stone Cold takes the sharpshooter from Bret. Jerry jumps over the rope, takes two punches and goes back to the announcer’s table.

Jerry Lawler has been eliminated by Bret Hart in 4 seconds.

That’s a short, short, short time. Jerry makes out that he didn’t even remember being in the ring. Great stuff. Bret works over Stone Cold and hits the backbreaker. The timer appears.

A Twenty-Third Challenger Appears: Fake Diesel.

Ohhhh it’s Big Daddy Kane, wearing flared pants and a complete lack of fire. He jogs to the ring, smashes our man Bret on the back of the head and turns to Austin, back to Bret and we are waiting for seven more men as we reach the second midcard point of the night with lots of rest holds, no spots and just running out the clock. Speaking of, there it is!

A Twenty-Fourth Challenger Appears: Terry Funk.

Terry Funk runs out while the clock is still counting down. Eejit. He turns to Austin, jaws off to him, hits him a pair of times and hits the headbutt. The match is split into two pairs, Bret/Diesel and Terry/Austin. They’re all running out the clock and gassed. The timer appears and Terry botches a piledriver.

A Twenty-Fifth Challenger Appears: Rocky Maivia.

Do you smell what the Rock is cooking? No one does. He’s not the Rock yet, he’s still Rocky and he’s battering Kane as Terry gets caught up on the ropes. Terry is almost thrown out as Diesel attacks our boy Rock. Five men in the ring, all of them big names and the timer is here to throw a sixth at us.

A Twenty-Sixth Challenger Appears: Mankind.

Well, business is about to pick up! My legit favourite wrassler rocks to the ring, spinning in circles and looking deranged as fuck. He hammers on Terry and tosses him out, but Terry holds on. Six men in the ring. Austin hits a lovely suplex on Bret and loses a wrist strap. The timer appears as Bret puts on the sleeper that Stone Cold reverses into a stunner.

A Twenty-Seventh Challenger Appears: Flash Funk.

Terry’s evil twin Flash appears! Bret hits the piledriver on Stone Cold! Terry walks in a circle and is hit by Flash! Seven men in the ring, none of them ready to leave! This is a great, great matchup. The timer is here, who is next?

A Twenty-Eighth Challenger Appears: Vader.

The Mastodon! Big Van Vader! Mankind hides his remaining ear. Mankind almost falls out of the ring as Flash hits Vader, the fool. Vader fights back and Austin takes his turn attacking our man V. Eight men: Bret, Rock, Stone Cold, Vader, Flash, Terry, Mankind, Diesel. Who is next? The times appears to tell us.

A Twenty-Ninth Challenger Appears: Henry O. Godwinn.

Oh for fuck’s sake. C’mon, guys, we have Attitude Era Origins in the ring and you bring in Sloppy McComedy-Jobber? Nine men in the ring and it is officially a schmoz with only one man left. There is no structure, they’re just waiting for number thirty so they can do some elimination spots. Hillbilly Jim watches on, happy to get a payday.

The Thirtieth and Final Challenger Appears: The Undertaker.

The lights go out! Ha! It would be so good if the lights went on and there were more people in the ring! Undertaker takes his time getting to the ring and they cut off his music early. He goes in over the top rope, goes for Vader, knocks him down, does the same to Mankind, then Austin, then Vader again. Chokeslam to Austin, chokeslam to Vader, punch to his half-brother Kane-Diesel, he pops Flash Funk’s head into Diesel’s and goes to the Rock, who fights back, bless him. Vader throws Flash Funk out with a lovely fallaway slam.

Flash Funk has been eliminated by Vader in 6:12.

We’re down to nine men now and we need to cut off the chaff so that the wheat can have their big main event spotfest and show the winner. Henry Godwinn is actually hitting Undertaker. Bret hits a lovely Bret’s Rope elbow onto Stone Cold’s head. Sign in the crowd says, “WWF: Wild, Racky Fun!”

Rock is attempting to toss over Bret and the crowd wakes up until Vader comes to Bret’s rescue. Undertaker boots Henry off, but he holds on. What are these men waiting on? They are hanging in the corners, just waiting for the next spot… which isn’t coming any time soon. Undertaker gets Henry Godwin and tosses him off the top rope.

Henry O. Godwinn has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 6:11.

Eight men left and Stone Cold is almost thrown out. Rock is tossed to the corner and Mankind catches him in the Mandible Claw as the rookie attempts a lariat.

Rocky Maivia has been eliminated by Mankind in 13:01.

Seven men remain. Terry Funk and Mankind both go over the top rope but they hold on. Funk attempts to suplex Mankind back into the ring, but Mankind reverses and Funk falls to the floor.

Terry Funk has been eliminated by Mankind in 15:08.

As the camera focusses on Big Daddy Kane punching Bret in the corner, Undertaker boots Mankind off the apron.

Mankind has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 12:20.

Five men left – Kane, Undertaker, Vader, Bret, Stone Cold.

Outside, Mankind and Funk argue with each other. Vader attacks Taker and Austin saves Bret by battering Diesel. Bret grips Austin and tosses him out, but the refs do not see it as Mankind and Funk are distracting them. Austin slides in and eliminates both Taker and Vader in one fell swoop!

Vader has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 10:06.

The Undertaker has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 6:46.

Bret tosses Diesel out!

Fake Diesel has been eliminated by Bret Hart in 17:49.

Stone Cold runs to the ropes and chucks Bret out!

Bret Hart has been eliminated by Stone Cold in 21:42.

Entrant number five, Stone Cold Steve Austin is the winner of the 1997 Royal Rumble in 50:29 after surviving for 45:07.

2017 comments:

Basically a Who’s Who of the Attitude Era, but not a great Rumble overall and there were no spots.

1997 comments:

Who does this Stone Cold boy think he is?

Grade: C

Bret pops back into the ring and argues with the refs as Stone Cold leaves the arena. He goes straight to Vince, shakes him and basically rehearses for the Montreal Screwjob in ten months. It matters not. Stone Cold is going to Wrestlemania 13 to fight the WWF Champion for the WWF Championship. Great stuff, storyline-wise, absolute shite wrestling-wise. JR justifies Austin’s heel move and doesn’t help himself go over as a heel announcer because the crowd love both Austin and Bret.

Big boos from the crowd. Vince introduces the main event: Shawn vs. Sid.

On the Card will return on February 9 2017 with the fourth and final part of Royal Rumble 1997.

Attitude Era #8: Royal Rumble 1997 (Jan 19, 1997) Part 1

In the previous entry, I looked at In Your House 12: It’s Time 1996. It was okay. The next PPV was the 1997 Royal Rumble, which was the tenth of its name.

Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after two decades as well as my original thoughts as a teenager watching it at the time (though this particular PPV was one I watched in 1998 as my family did not have the channels necessary to watch wrasslin’).

WWF Royal Rumble 1997

No More Mr. Nice Guy!

The poster shows Shawn Michaels staring deep into the camera, foreshadowing his potential heel turn and eventual rise to evil.

The Big Red WWF title screen goes straight a promo about Shawn Michaels being cocky and flamboyant. It shows his win over Bret Hart, his loss against Sid and now the rematch tonight in San Antonio. Cut to some of the worst CGI ever as Starburst Fruit Twists present The Royal Rumble 1997!

Big pyro in the arena and a disembodied hand picks up a hat offscreen. Vince tears his throat out welcoming us there and what a welcome it is. Vinnie O’Mac, Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler are in the Alamodome, San Antonio, Texas. 60,477 in attendance with 244,000 PPV buys at home.

Jim Ross tells us that there are no words to show how they feel. Jerry tells us that Shawn and Sid must put up or shut up.  Our Spanish Colleagues are Hugo Savinovich, Carlos Cabrera and Arturo Rivera, who shout over Vince’s introduction and dance. We have the French Announcers, Ray Rougeau and Jacques Rougeau Sr who do the same.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a 30-minute show called Free-For-All, which was the nineties equivalent of the Preshow, full of promos and summaries of recent TV matches. There was a number of exclusive matches on Free-For-All which saw Mascarita Sagrada Jr. and La Parkita defeating Mini Mankind and Mini Vader in a small person’s wrestling match. Before that, we had two dark matches: Perro Aguayo Jr and Venum defeating Maniaco and Mosco de la Merced; Octagón, Blue Demon Jr. and Tinieblas Jr. defeating Heavy Metal, Abismo Negro and Histeria. The reason that those names are Spanish and you’ve probably never heard of most of them is because it was a deal made with AAA to include their wrestlers in the Royal Rumble, which is why Mil Máscaras, Perroth and Cibernético appear in the Royal Rumble match.)

Down comes my boy Goldust, the challenger for the Intercontinental Championship. Goldust looks fantastic as usual and I have missed him over these last weeks. Vince tells us that Goldust has become a fan favourite all over the world and with good reason because he’s fucking brilliant.

Cut to the Intercuntinental champion, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, who believes that all women love him. Goldust, on the other hand, is a bit mental. Jerry called Goldust a censored word and Goldust denied that fact.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: On the December 16th 1996 RAW, Goldie interrupted a scrap between Triple H and Jerry where the pair of them beat on Wildman Marc Mero. He fought Trips, saved Mero and returned to the ring to speak to Jerry, where The King asked him, “Are you? You are… you know…” and skirted around the issues. Vince tried to cut the feed before Jerry doubles down, calling Goldust a freak before finally asking if he was, “queer”. Goldust says, “nooooooo,” and punches Jerry out. Twenty years have passed since that fateful night when being gay was derogatory and worthy of heeldom. Le sigh.)

Trips tried to steal Marlena and he fought back. The announcer asks if they’re all just playing miiiiiiiiind games or not.

Ode To Joy plays and out comes Teeeeeeriple H and Mr. Hughes. Goldust wastes no time in getting to Trips and running down the ramp to find him.

Intercontinental Championship match: Hunter Hearst Helmsley (c) (w/ Mr. Hughes) def Goldust (w/ Marlena) via pin in 16:50.

In the ring, Goldust is in control. Someone in the crowd has a “FLAIR GOD” sign as the announcers consider whether or not Curtis Hughes has a butling license to allow him to butle for Trips. HHH is thrown out of the ring and the pair waste a wee bit of time there. Lovely atmoic drop by Trips on Goldust. Trips goes for the Pedigree but Goldust reverses and catapults Trips out of the ring. Goldust removes the steel ring steps, drops it on Trips and is DQ…

Wait, no, Earl Hebner doesn’t DQ Goldust for some unknown reason. Trips Flair flops onto the steel steps to a big cheer from the crowd. Trips guillotines Goldust and the pair brawl in the ring leading to a pin attempt. Goldust roars and Trips hides behind Earl, getting in a cheap shot. Lovely look at Marlena and the crowd go bananas for her. Trips hits a double axe handle nothing off the top rope to outside as Hughes jaws off to Earl. Trips throws Goldust into the ring post and is about to toss him into the crowd but Goldust dodges. Once again, however, he uses the steel steps as a weapon. Why, Goldust, why?

Goldust beats on the knee of Triple H and loses his power as Goldust takes over, forcing the two men to have a little lie down. The crowd begin to die. Another shot of Marlena and the crowd come alive once more. This is the beginning of the Attitude Era: where the wrestling is crap and only the boobs matter. Goldust hits the figure four leglock, with Earl dropping for a couple of quick pin attempts. Goldust pulls on the ropes and Earl doesn’t break the submission instantly! Whaaaat.

Goldust followed Trips outside and knocks him down. Goldust batters Hunter’s head off the apron and feels himself up in ring. Once again, for the third time, Goldust uses the steel steps as a way to hurt Trips. JR really slags off Earl, saying that he has a bad attitude and that he is due to be down for the Championship match later in the evening and that if his attitude says the same, it will work in Sid’s favour. Goldust runs the ropes and attempts a crossbody, which Trips dodges, launching Goldust outside. Trips throws Goldie into the guardrail and JR gives off about breaking of the rules. I wonder if that is kayfabe or not. Trips does a lovely wee courtesy and gets boos. Outside the ring, both men have a wee sit. Trips takes Marlena’s golden chair and finally Earl Hebner decides to be a referee and stops it.

Cut to Todd Pettengill in the crowd with Collin Raye, an apparent country and western singer. I tell you what, Todd is rocking that goatee, hey. Fair play til ye. Todd makes Collin sing and then cuts him off. In the ring, nothing of note happens except that Trips hurts his knee. Lovely jumping clothesline from Goldust and the new face hammers the canvas in a Sable-embarrassingly good time. Lovely back body drop and he goes high on the ropes. Trips pushes Earl into the ropes and Goldust falls on his balls. Trips goes for the superplex but fails. Goldust goes for the big elbow and fails. Hughes sends Trips the Intercontinental belt and the heel takes time to snog Marlena, allowing Goldust to fight him off, steal the belt and wallop Trips in the face. The champ is down! Pin him! It’s a one, two… and Mr. Hughes drags Trips out. As Goldust is arguing, Trips sneaks around, hits a lovely clothesline, the Pedigree and the win in a very slow count in 16:50.

2017 comments:

An actually good curtain jerker, but it might be because of Goldust more than anything else.

1997 comments:

Oh Marlena, you’re to blame for this, somehow.

Grade: A

I love Goldust and I like Trips at this time when he had something to prove and tried his hardest.

Cut to Bret, who cuts a promo on how he’s always been a marked man and how he is at the bottom of the barrel and can’t go back farther. Nice.

Cut to Mankind, rocking back and forth in his Boiler Room, rambling incoherently.

Back in the arena and the motherfucking Nation of Domination come out. Wolfie D and JC Ice rap on the way to the ring. Old Immigration Clarence Mason arrive along with Crush and D’Lo Brown and every other black man that the Fed could find. Jacqueline is there, too! Isn’t that great? And, of course, the main man is Faarooq. They all throw up the fists and one of the guys in the front misses his cue. Silly NOD.

Promo for this black on black feud. Ahmed Johnson stumbles his way through words that no one understands as we see him win the New Sensation award at the 1996 Slammy Awards, he is the first ever Kuwait National Champion, Intercontinental Champion and had a legitimate kidney injury. Faarooq replied to Ahmed by forming the NOD, dropping Sunny, who was his manager when he was wearing that dumb gladiator outfit. Vader was involved as well because all heels hate together.

Out comes the Pearl River Plunge himself, over three hundred pounds of steroid-fuelled insanity. He sprints to the ring and tackles Faarooq, starting the match.

Ahmed Johnson def Faarooq (w/ the Nation of Domination) via DQ in 8:48.

Ahmed has a full head of steam on him as he batters into Faarooq mercilessly, throwing Faarooq from one corner to another. This is your basic babyface beatdown where the heel has no offence for the first few minutes. Faarooq tries to leave (because he is a coward, you see) and fails as Ahmed catches up with him. JR calls the NOD a “pack of dogs,” as Ahmed rips off Faarooq’s trousers. Faarooq has a belt and attempts to use it but it is taken from him. Ahmed hits the flying shoulder block and… Ahmed, who is a face, gets a belt and whips at Faarooq. What the fuck, rules? Is this the Royal Rumble or the… Rule… Rumble?

I tried.

Ahmed throws Faarooq into the old steel ring steps and gets covered in Goldust. There’s a mixup as one of the NOD gets pushed into Ahmed, sacrificed so that Faarooq may win. Faarooq sets up the steel chair and drops Ahmed on it. Faarooq then hits Ahmed with a chair.

Fuck sake, boys. Are there any rules at all in this fucking match? Christ of almighty.

Ahmed has a lie down for a while as Faarooq speaks to the crowd. Faarooq puts Ahmed on the turnbuckle and listens to the ref’s rules regarding holds on the ropes, jaws off to fat white men in the crowd and there is a lack of action as Faarooq wonders how to damage Ahemd more. He hits the camel clutch, breaks back, makes humble. He hits the arse-sit on Ahmed’s back and returns to camel clutching, breaking back, making humble. Ahmed lifts Faarooq up in the electric chair drop, falls back and Faarooq is the first one up, jumping off the top rope to be caught by Ahmed in a great powerslam. Faarooq catches Ahmed in mid-air and hits the spinebuster. Faarooq tells the crowd, as he has during this match, that he is baddest man. Ahmed is up, hits the spinebuster, Crush pops in and despite none of the Nod hitting any sort of offence, the bell is rung and a DQ is called in 8:48.

2017 comments:

Awful.

1997 comments:

Is this racism? I wouldn’t know. We don’t have white people in Ireland.

Grade: D

Ahmed is attempting to leave but moves after an NOD member who attacks him, battering him against the steel steps, moving them to the French announcer’s table, lifts the poor guy up for the Pearl River Plunge, botches it and the son of a bitch has to flip mid-air to land relatively safely. Ahmed doesn’t bother to remove the monitors before throwing him through. A replacement table is on its way. The poor NOD member seems to have his head hit by a monitor. God damn.

On the Card will return on January 26 2017 with the second part of Royal Rumble 1997.

Ruthless Aggression #13: New Year’s Revolution (Jan 7 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: A great opener and a “special match” which was shite.

Cut to the back and Vince and Coach as they speak about Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell. Very relevant, considering today. Vince books Donald vs. Rosie for Raw the next night. Coach sucks up to Vince, who walks away, disgusted. Ron Simmons appears behind Coach and says “Damn.”

Back to the arena, JR and Jerry big up this match as Kenny Dykstra comes down, dressed as Ric Flair and tells the ref to hold the ropes open for him. We show from Raw last week where Rated-RKO beat on the Nature Boy after Kenny beat him. Kenny cuts a shitty promo and Ric interrupts him.

Flair comes down and his robe is superior in many ways. Flair himself, of course, is one hundred and something years old, made of leather and is, in many ways, very disgusting.

Kenny Dykstra def. Ric Flair via pin in 10:02.

Lots of “wooo!”s from the crowd as the pair lock up. Kenny knocks Flair to the ground and gives it the Flair strut. Crowd start telling Kenny that he sucks and King calls them on it. Kenny punching Flair in the corner and Ric returns a few slaps that the crowd react to. Crowd is mostly dead despite a lovely back body drop from the Nature Boy. Kenny is thrown outside and the crowd cheer as Flair struts. Flair hits the hangman and Flair woos and runs around the ring. Flair hits a suplex to the outside as JR says “Golly” and “Doggone” in the same sentence. Kenny attempts the cover but gets naught and so gives Flair another suplex.

Kenny gets Flair in the old Boston Crab. Turns out that Kenny had just turned twenty in March 2006, so he is super young to be in this at all. Great stuff. Flair is having a lovely lie down and that super fan with the red hat in the front row is roaring at Flair. “Get up!” he cries, “Get up, you wallet!” Flair finally breaks the hold and Kenny gives him a couple of boots to the chest for his effort. Flair chops back and gets a big reaction from the crowd. Flair flops but Kenny returns to him, goes to apply the figure four but Flair reverses it into a roll-up. Flair goes to the top rope. Super fan says no. Kenny gives Flair a body slam from the top rope. Kenny jumps to the top rope, hits the missile dropkick and gets the shoulder up. Flair gives the thumb to the eye followed by two shots to Kenny’s knee. He gets ready for the figure four and the crowd goes wild for Kenny to tap. Oh, by Christ, they’re going bananas. Each time Kenny falls back, the ref goes for the pin. Kenny finally reaches the bottom rope.

Flair is going crazy on Flair in the corner and Kenny hits the low blow followed by a roll-up for the win in 10:02.

2016 comments:

Technically a good match, but a mess in the execution and crowd were so quiet that you’d think it was the piss-break match.

2006 comments:

Eugh.

Grade: C

Cut to Johnny Mundo in the backstage and he tells Melina to call Joey and tell her that the Hardys must pay. His balls are sore as well and that is important. Melina leaves and is intercepted by Victoria who needs Melina to write her name on a piece of paper so that Victoria can have a chance at the Women’s Championship. She then leaves before Melina signs.

Quick promo of Victoria coming to the ring for weeks with a checklist of her opponents, knocking them all off and ticking their names off on the list. We see that the crowd is dead during each match despite Victoria trying to do her best.

Back in the arena, Victoria’s must hits and she comes down to the ring with a pout on her face. She tells JR and King to “watch and learn,” to which JR replies with, “Happy new year.” JR puts her over.

Mickie’s music hits and down she skips to the ring with a face on her. Mickie taunts the crowd and Jerry tells us that he loves women’s matches and he is sure his fans do too. Yes, they do, Jerry, but they are the wrong type of fans.

WWE Women’s Championship match: Mickie James (c) def Victoria via pin in 6:49.

The women circle each other and Victoria gives Mickie a push. JR puts Victoria over. Awful full Nelson slam followed by a submission from Victoria. Mickie escapes an armbar with a cartwheel and the pair hold each other for a while. Shitty crowd, by the way. Some arm drag takedowns followed by a dropkick and Mickie is in control. Mickie goes to Bret’s rope but is kicked out to the outside by Victoria, who gives her a baseball slide followed by a Samoan Drop onto the barricade. Victoria gives a look to Lilian, who stands, hands on hips, confused. Mickie attempts a roll-up but fails. Victoria heels it up with some lovely chokes and a knee to the back. Victoria gives Mickie a hair pull toss and JR calls her a “sexy little Frisbee.” Victoria hits the Brets-rope-standing-moonsault but Mickie rolls away. Lovely bunch of clotheslines and Mickie is in control, punching Victoria in circles, hitting the clothesline and just failing to get the three. Victoria takes over but Mickie hits the head-scissor takedown, runs at Victoria on the apron and the crowd boo as Melina turns up to help Victoria. Melina gets slapped, Mickie goes for the DDT but Maria and Candice turn up, messing up the next few spots until Mickie reverses a powerslam into a DDT and gets the pin in 6:49.

2016 comments:

Wow. An actual not-bad women’s match. The ending made it look shit, but everything before was fine, just fine.

2006 comments:

Is… is this what women’s wrestling is supposed to be like?

Grade: C

Promo for the upcoming Tag Team match with Edge introducing Ric Flair onto the Cutting Edge. He arrived covered in blood and got a bunch of chair shots to the head. Pretty gruesome. Shawn is pretty upset that Rated-RKO did that. Edge hits Trips with a steel chair at a RAW and then the Rated-R superstar and the Legend killed kick seven shades of shite out of DX. Very obvious chair shots to the ground as opposed to the heads of their opponents.

“Are you ready?” DX’s music asks. The crowd cheers in response. The men come out, giving people epileptic fits with their strobed entrance. Trips holds water in his mouth for far too long before spitting it and then they crotch-chop some pyro. Shawn gives us a wee run in a circle. Good man yourself. DX were once one of the most over tag teams in the Fed and here they are, pandering to the crowd like a pair of Hulk Hogans. Trips gets the mic, thinks for a while and asks them if they are ready. They are. There is no discussion. Trips says that right now, the fans are seeing the, “frosty, sugary side of DX,” which Shawn likes, but soon they will see the “ass-kicking side of DX,” which doesn’t sound like a nice cupcake or whatever.

Rated-RKO’s awesome music hits and they pair of bastards turn up with Edge looking serious as fuck. DX jump out and run to the ramp to beat on Rated-RKO before the match begins. Edge is thrown into the crowd and suplexed back into the arena. Randy gets some lovely chops from our boy Shawn. Trips back-body drops Edge onto the steel of the ramp. Michaels is about to take a suplex but denies it, throwing Randy into the steel steps. Shawn and Edge make it into the ring and finally the bell rings.

WWE Tag Team Championship match: Rated-RKO (Randy Orton and Edge) (c) def D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) via no contest in 23:20.

Shawn takes no prisoners with Edge and DX chants rise as Trips is tagged in, pulling on Edge’s nose. We see a rare tweener babyface team here as Shawn distracts the ref. Trips chuck Edge into the corner and Shawn hangs on the ropes, booting Edge in the face before being tagged in. Edge dodges a spear from Shawn and Randy is tagged in. Orton punches Michaels in the corner but Michaels hits a lovely snapmare and kicks Orton in the head. Another shot to the ribs and Trips is tagged in, hitting Orton in the face with a lovely punch, giving him a knee drop. Shawn distracts the ref again as Trips hits Orton in the face on the apron. Another ref distraction and Shawn gives Orton a leg drop. Orton is bleeding already from a cut on his forehead. Did he blade? I saw it not.

Shawn has some of Orton’s blood on his chin as he gives Orton some lovely shots, hoping to bleed him further. Trips then does it loads, opening up the Legend Killer. Edge gives Trips a cheap shot and is pulled into the ring. Ref distraction again and now it’s Rated-RKO’s turn to double team. Edge comes in, boots Trips a bunch and steps back to give Trips some air. The crowd chant for DX as Trips has a wee lie down in the corner. Edge works on Trips’ leg and showboats for the crowd. He hits a “woo!” attempts a figure four but Trips fights back. Shawn comes in for the hot tag but cleans house, kipping up, atomic drop, body slam, goes to the top rope and hits the elbow drop. Orton is in, however, knocking Shawn down before Trips tosses him out himself. Edge goes for Shawn and both men are dropped outside. Michaels suicide dive and Trips is at the top rope, eager to join in.

Edge spears Michaels on the apron and now everyone is down. Orton has the championship belt and hits Michaels with it. Ref must not have seen it but Michaels has bladed bad and his face is a crimson mask on the outside. Jesus Christ. Edge pulls Michaels in with his hair and Edge batters on Michaels like mad, tagging in Orton who gives Shawn an inverted backbreaker which only gets a two-count. Orton stomps on Shawn for a while and gets another two-count. Edge tags in and both men have been pounding on Shawn for ages. Great Irish whip into the corner. Edge is covered in Shawn’s blood and gives Michaels another backbreaker, getting only a two-count. Orton is tagged in and punches Shawn on the back a lot. He attempts a pin with one foot on Shawn’s chest but gets two counts.

Randy rakes Shawn’s eyes – lot of illegal manoeuvres in this match – and Rated-RKO give Shawn a double backbreaker. Trips comes in to break the count and Edge gives Shawn a lovely stretch as the two sit down for a bit. Shawn fights back and gets to his feet, big cheers from the crowd. Lots of Flair chops and Michaels hits the backdrop. Crowd are cheering for a hot tag. Edge has Shawn’s foot and the pair chop for a while before Edge kicks Shawn in the face and tags in Orton, who crawls around like a damned snake. Almost… like a viper…

Shawn gets to his feet and we see an RKO but Shawn counters it! Hot tag builds again and both men tag in. Edge and Trips run the ropes and Trips cleans house, giving Edge a facebuster, giving Orton a spinebuster, attempting a pin on Orton despite the fact that he’s not legal. Trips has a hurt knee – a legit injury – and the match slows down as the guys talk about how much it hurts. An attempt at a Pedigree that fails. An attempt at an RKo that fails. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music as the men decide what to do. Edge goes to Trips but he kicks out. The match stops entirely. Randy and Edge speak in the corner. Trips avoids the spear, hops about the place, hits a single-leg Pedigree, goes for the cover but Edge kicks out. Shawn jumps in, gets a ref bump, gets the chair, busts Edge, busts Randy who blades like a boss. DX destroy Rated-RKO with steel chairs for a bit. Shawn asks Trips something and the Cerebral Assassin nods. Shawn begins to destroy the announce desk and apparently Edge has bladed too, though it is much more shallow than Randy’s.

Edge is on the announcer’s table, Randy is thrown on the other. Trips goes to Pedigree Edge but the table doesn’t break, according to JR, the table, “didn’t give a damn.” Shawn elbow drops Randy. It’s a fucking massacre. Shawn starts to dance. Randy is bleeding badly. Shawn and Trips hug and their music hits. They take the belts (despite not winning them legit) and celebrate. We see a replay for the bad spinebuster and how Trips’ knee crumbles underneath him. Three blade jobs in one improvised match. Not bad. I guess the match ends in an unofficial no contest in 23:20.

2016 comments:

Great improvised finish made better by Randy’s mental blade job. It would have been better if the officials had come out to break it up, caused a schmoz and justified that out of character ref bump by HBK though.

2006 comments:

Blood, blood, gallons of the stuff!

Grade: A-

On the Card will return on January 21 2017 with the third and final part of New Year’s Revolution 2007.

Attitude Era #7. In Your House 12: It’s Time (Dec 15, 1996) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Fake Diesel! Owen Hart, King of Farts!

Cut to promo for HHH and references to his stock portfolio and aristocracy. We see the noble savage of Wildman Marc Mero and how their first fight came over a woman: Sable. Then we see Mr. Perfect being used as a pawn in the game to get the Intercontinental Championship as Perfect allied himself with Mero before stabbing him in the back. Then Trips stabbed Perfect in the back. And it’s all sponsored by Karate Fighters.

Sable and Mero come out to his mental Warrior pyro. JR tells us that the next time they’re going to be on the PPV is at the Alamo, where Billy Gunn and Road Dogg will be meeting Paul Levesque.

And out he comes to Ode to Joy! So he’s pro-EU is he? Nice one. Earl Hebner is there, too. JR asks if HHH and McMahon are neighbours in Greenwich, Connecticut. The bell rings as a zeppelin with the Karate Fighters logo upon it threats to wipe out the entire crowd. Oh, the humanity.

WWF Intercontinental Championship: Marc Mero (w/ Sable) def. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (c) via countout in 14:03.

Good God Almighty, it’s two men fighting over a woman, like the thugs they are. They lock up and Trips has the height advantage, though Mero has the moustache advantage. The pair have some feats of strength and some nice matwork. Trips is knocked down and Mero dances about happily. Trips botches and botches again. The announcers claim that they are trying to counter each other, but really they messed up. Knock into the barricade and some fans are pushed back. Couple of punches in the corner and Mero hits a lovely back body drop. Mero goes for the ten-punch but is countered. Both men lie on the mat for a while.

Trips goes to hit the pedigree but Mero throws him over the ropes to the outside. Trips hides behind Sable and pushes her into Mero before chucking him into the damn steel steps. JR talks some gyp about Trips being court-martialled in military school. Trips goes for the chair, hoping to get DQ’d and lose the match but keep the title but Earl stops him. Lovely backbreaker in the centre of the ring and there are some satellite problems apparently. Lovely backbreaker again and Earl isn’t in position to hit the full one-two-three. Then we have abdominal stretch city for a while as Sable hits improved time by the side of the ring. Jerry tells Sable to shut up by saying, “Shut up, Marlena… wait, no, that’s Sable.” He then says that Sable hates Trips because of his better hair.

Trips has his hand on the ropes and Earl kicks it. Trips pushes Earl and the ref pushes back. The pair argue in the corner for a while and the crowd go wild. Trips hits a top-rope-nothing and is countered by Mero. Mero hits the Atomic drop which is – according to Vince – right on his spine. Mero hits a jumping clothesline and throws Trips into the corner where he hits a Shawn Michaels spot and a head scissors. Jerry says Earl is biased. Both men go to the top rope and there’s a lovely hurricanrana followed by Mero going top-rope. Trips pushes Earl into the ropes, letting Mero fall onto his balls. A pin attempt from Trips gets nothing.

Trips goes for the Pedigree but it is countered into a catapult. Pin attempt and Trips is still in it. Mero goes to the top rope once again and hits the Merosault but Earl is hit too. Trips hits the neckbreaker, runs to get his Intercontinental belt, but Mero fights back before being hit and does the roll up. Finally, Earl rouses but Trips kicks out. Another Shawn Michaels corner toss followed by a suicide dive over the top rope. Then Goldust comes out! Fuck yes! Goldust! He’s the best!

Goldie hits Mero and Trips with the Intercontinental belt and Earl starts a countout, reaching a ten just after Wildman rolls in, meaning he wins the match by a countout but fails to win the belt.

2016 comments:

Fun match, certainly one of the best Triple H matches so far and Wildman didn’t botch too much.

1996 comments:

Goddammit Goldust, you pervert!

Grade: B

Mero is angry at this. He rolls Trips back into the ring after pushing Sable away, hits the shooting star press, attempts the pin before remembering the match is over, raises the Intercontinental belt anyways and leaves the arena. Strange, strange man. As Trips is leaving, Howard Finkel announces that Trips is still the champion and Goldust attacks him again.

On the Card will return on January 5 with the fourth part of In Your House 12: It’s Time 1996.