Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Drizzling shits.

Backstage, Sabu is being loaded into an ambulance. Don’t know why it’s taken so long for that to happen. RVD and CM Punk are there, ready to look disappointed.

Out come Daivari and the Great Khali. Well, they can go fuck themselves. Daivari shouts in a foreign language. The cheek of him! Don’t he know that this is America? The announcers attempt to big up Khali, who is not even wrestling this evening.

Tommy Dreamer’s music hits and the man himself comes out, not getting as big a pop as he should, really. The crowd chant for ECW as the bell rings.

Daivari (w/ The Great Khali) def. Tommy Dreamer via pin in 7:22.

Why isn’t Beulah out? She should be there, taking chokeslams from Khali or whatever. Daivari takes over at the start and Tommy goes after Khali until Daivari rolls back in the ring and gets a lovely hip toss for his effort. Daivari goes outside, takes an almost-countout and Tommy drop toe-holds him. Lovely baseball slide to Tommy’s head and Daivari is thrown into the barricade. In the ring, Dreamer give Daivari a lovely suplex and goes to bounce off the ropes but Khali pulls on them, causing Dreamer to fall outside the ring and for Khali to be ejected from ringside. Brilliant. Crowd are loving it.

In the ring, Tommy is being beaten on by Daivari and gets into a chinlock in the centre of the ring. Tommy gets slammed to the floor, gets an elbow drop and knees to the spine and elbows to the neck. The crowd urge Dreamer to “Fuck ‘em up.” More chinlocks, a rear-naked choke to be exact. Tommy’s fist pounds, fighting to his feet and lifting Daivari on his back until Dreamer falls back, slamming the pair of them down. Fists swing mid-ring and Daivari goes on his back. Lovely back-body drop and Dreamer gives Daivari the inverted DDT but gets no pin. Fireman’s carry followed by a rake to the eyes and Daivari goes top-rope. Dreamer attempts to throw him off but Daivari jumps for the headbutt and misses. Tommy fires Daivari into the Tree of Woe and the dropkick. Then Daivari hits the roll-up and wins.

2016 comments:

Crappy start, good middle, shitty ending.

2006 comments:

I was almost enjoying that.

Grade: C

Tommy, embarrassed, goes after Daivari. Khali appears and throws Tommy onto the Titantron. It is shitty and weak-looking even in the replay. In fact, they show the replay a number of times. Is Tommy legit hurt? Who is to know? Wait… wait… Tommy is sitting up! He’s fine. He’s back! He’s alive! Fuck yeah! Tommy Dreamer! ECW! Etc.

Paul Heyman is looking for someone and he finds Hardcore Holly. We all know what’s going to happen here. He suggests that Hardcore Holly replace Sabu. Bob Holly can’t act to save his life. God damned Sparky Plugg.

Mike Knox’s music plays and he comes out hand-in-hand with Kelly Kelly. It’s a mixed-gender tag team match. Yeo. This is going to be worth the airtime, I tell you what. Mike gives off to Kelly Kelly and as he goes to the corners, Kelly wishes CM Punk good luck in the Elimination Chamber. Christ.

Then Ariel and Kevin Thorn come out. They’re goths, you see. They’re called “two followers of vampirism”. As a kid, I loved Ariel, I thought she was the bees knees. Now, I see her as a semi-talented wrestler. Bell rings.

Intergender Tag Team match: Kevin Thorn and Ariel def. Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly via pin in 7:43.

The thing with having a male/female tag matches is that there are two kinds: intergender and mixed. In intergender, it works like a normal tag match where the legal partner tags in the one on the apron to help out in ring; in mixed, when two males are squaring off and one tags in his female partner, his opponent’s female partner must also tag in. The first is for hardcore and to allow lads to hit ladies; the second is a bit more PC and family friendly and stops the misogyny… or at least cuts back on it.

Thorn and Knox start off with Mike giving a few stretches and Kelly jumping on the apron. Kevin and Mike lock up. It is clear that Mike is the stronger of the two and Thorn wants to figure out his weaknesses. Quick dodge from Thorn and a punch to Knox’s face to knock him down. Ariel is distracting the cameraman with her arse. Knox tages over, pulling Thorn by the hair and knocking him to the ground with a huge punch. The pace here is slow and Ariel screams more than Melina. Lovely clothesline from Thorn and he gives Kelly a good hard stare. Tazz: “Good look there, Joey, like kismet… kismet, I say!”

Knox gives Thorn the big boot and goes for the pin but Kevin’s foot is on the rope. The crowd are going mental as Ariel is jumping up and down on the Apron as Knox gets Thorn in the headlock. The ladies haven’t been in yet but Ariel tags herself in and calls for Kelly Kelly to enter the ring. Kelly, just happy to be in attendance, points at herself as if to say, “My name is Kelly.” The crowd go mental. Ariel hits the big boot and gives Kelly a semi-tarantula on the ropes. A few punches and a crowd-pleasing boot to the throat follows. Ariel pulls on Kelly’s hair a lot. Kelly escapes Ariel’s hold and reaches for Mike but gets pulled back. Ariel does a bad dance and as Kelly goes to tag in Mike, he walks away, keeping her in the ring. Ariel takes over, giving her the fallaway chokeslam and sitting on Kelly’s face for the pin in 7:43.

2016 comments:

Godammit, so close to being a good match! If the boys had a bit more back-and-forth and the hot tag were better built up, this could have been a winner.

2006 comments:

If I just, like, hang about in Hot Topic, can I find a girl that looks like Ariel? I wouldn’t want to go out with her, just look at her for a while.

Grade: C

Ariel is about to leave but returns to Kelly to beat on her some more. The bell rings and… Oh yeah, it’s Sandman. Coming in for what reason? It’s in his contract, probably. The man stops, busts open a beer, busts open his own face, goes into the ring, swings his Singapore cane about and whips Kevin Thorn like a motherfucker. Sandman chases him up the ramp and whips him backstage, taking out a second beer and guzzling it, throwing it to the crowd afterwards. What a guy. What a terrible, terrible guy.

We’re getting ready for the Extreme Elimination Chamber and backstage, Rebecca DiPietro interviews Bobby Lashley, showing a promo of Bobby being screwed over by Paul Heyman during a match with Big Show. Bobby is upset about that. Rebecca mutters her way through a question and Bobby stumbles through his answer.

Cut to the Big Show, Bob Holly and Test walking to the ring with Paul E Dangerously and his goon squad.

Cut to a promo of the six men who will be fighting in the elimination chamber. This one is different because there are weapons. Funnily enough, this promo still has Sabu in it, which is good Kayfabe, I suppose. We see Bobby, CM Punk, RVD, Test, Sabu and Big Show hit people. Two miles of chain in the Elimination Chamber, apparently. The other stats don’t matter.

ECW music hits and out comes Paul E Dangerously himself, now known as Paul Heyman. He’s a great lad all together. He tells the crowd that this is their main event. The crowd cheer. As he talks, one member of the crowd tells him he sucks. He name-checks Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair – big woos from the crowd – and makes it out that he’s some sort of god in wrestling. He mentions Sabu and the crowd are not happy about this.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Sabu was removed from the chamber due to rumours that there was aminosity surrounding him and the Fed don’t respect him due to his reliance on hardcore matches.

Paul tells us that the time of Sabu and RVD has come to an end. Big boos. Heyman is riling the crowd up and the chamber lowers. The crowd is dead, no one is moving, no one his happy. Tazz says that he felt like he was welcome in the chamber. That’s true. He isn’t welcome anywhere near the damn thing.

The rules pop up, telling us that five minute intervals will open each pod with a new wrestler and new weapon.

Big Show’s music hits and the man comes down to the ring with his ECW world championship. He enters the chamber, look around and is ordered into a pod with the barbed wire baseball bat. He tests the barbed wire. Apparently, it is real.

CM Punk’s music hits and down he comes. Big Show’s face is against the plastic like a dog stuck in a car. Punk hops into the ring and is asked to go to a pod. He does, but not before harassing the Big Show in his. Big Show has forced his arm out of the pod already.

Test’s music hits and the crowd is silent. Ould Roidy Magoo comes down with his huge belly and his lack of talent. Tazz calls him one of the most intense athletes in the ECW roster, which is a lie. Big Show claps for Test and the ear-pierced idiot is put into a pod with a crowbar. By Christ, what is Gordon Freeman doing in a wrestling match?

Three pods filled and number four comes down: Bobby Lashley. Pathetic pyro. Lashley is the babyface, but not the fan favourite. Lashley is put in a pod with a table so that he can begin to make a refreshing meal for the other gentlemen. Paul Heyman is watching intently.

Hardcore Holly’s music hits and old Elroy Jetson himself comes to the ring with no humour at all. Awful. The crowd are going to hate him because he’s not Sabu and he’s terrible. Test applauds him with much difficulty.

Finally, we have our man RVD, coming to the ring stoned and all stretched out with his Ying and Yang. He takes his time coming to the ring because he, like everyone here, is not looking forward to this shitshow. RVD and CM Punk are good but Big Show gets gassed early, Holly has no empathy, Bobby is good but too much of a babyface and Test might well eat someone by mistake. The bell rings and the clock starts counting down from five minutes.

Extreme Elimination Match: Bobby Lashley def. Big Show (c) (w/ Paul Heyman), Rob Van Dam, Hardcore Holly, CM Punk and Test via elimination in 24:42.

Twenty-four, forty-two. The palindromic number. RVD and Holly lock up and bounce back and forth as the announcers remind us of the last ten minutes of intros. Holly throws Van Dam out of the ring and in reply, RVD jumps to the cage wall from the turnbuckle and back at Holly. Tazz wonders, “How does he do that?” By jumping. Holly throws RVD into the side of the chamber and gives him a gentle bodyslam before going to the top rope and attempting a top-rope nothing to which RVD reverses. RVD gives a huge Rolling Thunder over the top rope. Holly has a lovely wee lie down and RVD gets a suplex into the ring. Holly attempts a pin and fails. Tazz tells us that the biggest weapon in the Elimination Chamber… is the chamber itself.

Holly dropkicks RVD and the crowd counts down as the flashing roulette of fear opens up CM Punk’s pod. The straight edge lad jumps out, throws a chair at Holly and springboards right off the ropes onto RVD. He throws the chair at RVD, who catches it and throws it back. Then the two put on a better show in a minute than Holly has done in his entire career. Van Dam got bust open at some point and has his head put through the chair in the corner. Holly goes to pin Punk after flinging him into the side of the chamber and fails. Holly boots on Punk and the crowd chant for our boy Phil. RVD is badly bust and there are still two minutes to wait before someone else comes in. Holly suplexes Punk onto the ropes. Holly lifts Punk onto the top rope and there is a huge superplex from the top rope. RVD takes advantage and tries to pin Punk but fails. We have thirty seconds before another pod opens and the crowd are crazy for RVD.

The roulette of pain spins and Test comes out, the useless fuck. He sticks the crowbar’s spike into RVD’s forehead and gets a stunner from Punk. RVD is up with a chair, hitting Test a shot in the head followed by Holly and finally a dropkick with the chair to Punk. Five-Star Frog Splash and Punk is pinned.

CM Punk has been eliminated by RVD in 12:35.

Well that’s the crowd off side now. They’re not going to like that. Test big boots Holly and pins him for the elimination to no fanfare.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by Test in 12:45.

RVD climbs on top of the Big Show’s pod and the man leans through to grab him. Test gets up and hits RVD twice with a chair. Test pulls RVD off the pod, puts a chair on him and climbs up top to hit the massive elbow drop for the pin.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 14:15.

Big Show watches on, a look of horrific ecstasy on his face. The crowd are calling “Bullshit!” even though Test’s elbow drop was pretty impressive… for Test. We’re not dealing with Match of the Year types here, guys. We have New Year’s Baby and Roidy Magoo in here. C’mon. Lower the old standards.

The timer counts down and the penultimate pod opens: Bobby Lashley. But wait! Someone outside is keeping the pod locked. What is the meaning of this? Is there an unknown rule whereby if Bobby fails to leave his pod then he will be disqualified? It’s okay, though, he just uses his table to smash through some steel chains and escape. What a shitty spot.

Lashley escapes, beats on Test mercilessly and throws him into the blocked pod, smashing it open. Bobby throws Test around. The crowd are rabid by this point. Test takes over and holds Lashley by the foot, goes to take his chair and Bobby boots him in the face followed by a fair few clotheslines and a lovely suplex. Lashley gets the crowbar and spears Test, pinning him.

Test has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 19:42.

Here we go… Bobby alone in the Elimination Chamber with our boy The Big Show. Paul Heyman is giving Show a bit of a pep talk and with forty seconds left, Bobby is setting up a table to throw at Show, who stares out at him. Bobby chucks a chair at it, too and the pod opens when the time runs out. Big Show slowly walks out with the barbed wire baseball bat and wails on Bobby who only has the chair to protect himself. Bobby ducks and the barbed wire baseball bat is stuck in the chains. The ref has to remove it. Big Show is bust and Bobby throws him into a pod, beating on Show mercilessly.

Show smashes out, damn near knocking a cameraman over. Bobby bounces off the wall as if it is a ring rope. Show chucks him over the rope into the ring. Show calls for the chokeslam and Lashley is about to take it, countering it into a DDT. Paul Heyman looks on in horror. Lashley is up and the two men are swinging fists at each other. Bobby jumps into Lashley’s arms and escapes, bouncing about to give a huge spear to Big Show, winning the match in 24:42

2016 comments:

Good start, shitty middle, horrible ending.

2006 comments:

I don’t understand.

Grade: C

Bobby celebrates as our boy Paul looks on in horror and dismay. Tazz wonders how Lashley did it. With little difficulty. CM Punk and RVD did most of the hard work, being honest. He leaves, clapping hands and holding the championship aloft. Big pyro hits and Bobby’s dead happy.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I gotta say for the ten seconds or so that CM Punk was in this PPV, he kicked arse.

Woman of the Matches: Ariel. No doubt.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk!

Best Spot: Jeff’s catapult-to-moonsault onto MNM.

Hatches: Kevin Thorn, Balls Mahoney and Daivari.

Matches: Only one title was on the line and it changed hands: Bobby Lashley wins his first reign as ECW champion.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: This is renowned as the worst PPV of all time, certainly the worst-grossing, but was it really that bad? The last match was an indication of the entire PPV: It started okay and got steadily worse except for a bit in the middle where it was okay again. This PPV could have been so much bigger and better but backstage squabbles, lack of planning and preparation makes it just so. It’s still better than wrasslin’ used to be, mind.

On the Card will return on December 17 2016 with the Smackdown PPV Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on December 3, 2006, the second and final December to Dismember aired. It was an ECW PPV, utilising the new (and soon to be defunct) ECW brands, the first of its kind since One Night Stand back in June. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

December to Dismember 2006

You better watch out…

Oh, here we go, back to taglines. Nice. This cover shows Sandman’s arm peeking out of a chimney, holding his Singapore sticks with blood on the snow to spell ECW. is like one of those Christmas-themed horror movies like Jack Frost or Silent Night, Deadly Night… in fact, the cover seems to parody that film! The cheek of these cover designers.

There is no ye olde wrasslin’ video. Instead, we are shown the elimination chamber along with the edict, “Six men will enter… knowing they will suffer the unimaginable…” and the Elimination Chamber is shown as some kind of super-hell-in-a-cell. And no other match is advertised. We just have the main event and I should mention that the wrestlers in the main event are Bobby Lashely (yay), ECW Champ The Big Show (eeey), CM Punk (now, yay, but back then, eh?) Sabu (well, someone’s going to die), RVD (Okay!) and Test (oh Christ)? I mean, come on.

Big Christmas coloured pyro in the ECW presented December to Dismember 2006. The place is the James Brown (get down!) Arena in Augusta, Georgia and with a tiny 4,800 fans in the place with only 90,000 PPV buys (the lowest buyrate in Fed history), this is due to be a great, great, great clusterfuck. Bear in mind that only two matches were advertised before the PPV – the Elimination Chamber main event and the Hardy Boys vs. MNM. So stoked, though, right?

Our commentary team is the annoying Joey Styles and Tazz with two Z’s. One of the best things about this PPV is that the theme tune is fucking Bodies by Drowning Pool. Tazz tells us that the Elimination Chamber is ten tons of steel. Good Lord. Who cares about them, though, when we have the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera, once again forgets the announcer’s names and Savinovich does an awesome tongue roll because the man is a hero.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Stevie Richards and René Duprée. It is unknown how long it lasted.)

MNM’s music hits and… wait, didn’t you guys split up? They are wearing fluffy jackets with LED signs on the side that scroll through some words that no one sees. Melina is really hamming it up this evening, kissing and dancing and looking just like the ecstasy dropped before she walked into the arena. Good woman yourself.

Hardy’s music hits and the pair get a bit of a pop for their entrance as… Team Extreme? What? Since when? And the title says “The Hardys”. Make up your mind, boys. Joey says that both teams plan on splitting up again after this evening. So it’s like a Bizarro team-up. Right. That makes sense.

The Hardys (Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy) def. MNM (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)) via pin in 22:33.

Let’s get right into it. Tazz is being a pervert, as usual. He’s the Jerry Lawler of ECW. Lots of hugs between Joey and fat Matt in some sort of test of strength. Tazz considers that Mercury and Nitro may be related. What an odd thing to say. Weird announcers. A bit of scrapping and everyone runs into the ring to square off. The ref tells them off and the crowd chant for the Hardys. Matt and Joey tie up again and Mercury is thrown into the corner with Jeff tagging in. Lovely arm drag and knee drop before fat Matt comes in and Joey escapes to tag in Nitro. Big boos from the crowd and Jeff comes in, botching a jump over the rope like the dumb guy he is. Double clothesline from the Hardys and senton drop. Mercury comes in and they do an odd double team where they lift him from his back to… backdrop him. Nitro takes over and Mercury is tagged in as Melina screams because fuck Melina.

Jeff is trapped in the corner and Nitro hits a lovely elbow drop and standing shooting star press that misses as fat Matt comes in, hitting Nitro with a super sit-out-powerbomb. Mercury runs in and in the confusion, Melina pulls on Matt’s leg. Matt goes after her but gets a clothesline for his effort. MNM hit a doubleteam gutbuster on Matt. The ref is distracted and Melina hits the head-scissors on Matt to which Tazz says, “Hellooooo!” Melina screams again as MNM hit a double facebuster on Matt. We’re really gearing up for the hot tag here. MNM hit a double stalling suplex but Matt lands it and double-neckbreakers the bastards. As he goes for the hot tag, MNM fight back. MNM hit a Poetry in Motion as Melina screams once again. Mercury goes for the Twist of Fate but is countered. Hot tag and Jeff comes in.

Jeff predictably cleans house, hitting all the bases before Nitro pounces in to break the count but gets a lovely sit-out suplex. Suicide dives to the outside from Matt, Nitro and then Jeff. The crowd chant “ECW! ECW!” even though none of these men are ECW boys. Matt hits Poetry in Motion but MNM roll out of the way before Jeff can hit the Swanton. Melina screams. Nitro hits the springboard dropkick and fails to get the pin. Jeff is being beaten on in the corner and MNM hit the double catapult into the turnbuckle. It is followed by a long stretch from Nitro. Tazz says, “Simple but good.” Because he’s an idiot. Nitro hits some strange spinneroony leg drop and some punches are traded mid-ring. Matt comes in and as the ref is distracted, Melina and Nitro beat on Jeff. Mercury is tagged in and a pin gets nothing. A second and a third get nothing either. Mercury hits the backbreaker and Nitro does the springboard elbow. A lovely sunset flip by Jeff and Nitro Aloha-Arns for a bit before tagging in Mercury. The match has slowed down to a crawl.

Mercury has Jeff in a crossface and Jeff fights back. A rollup is so strong that when Jeff hits out, Mercury is thrown from the ring. He turns to Jeff and drags him off the apron and Nitro is back in the match with Jeff. Another double-team catapult but Jeff stops it, top-rope moonsaults and gets the hot tag to Matt. Matt cleans house as much as he can, hitting a bulldog and catching Nitro on the way down. Two Side-Effects followed by a pin attempt. Bret’s rope leg drop gets nothing so Jeff is tagged in and Nitro is picked up for a powerbomb. Mercury pushes his tag team partner up which forces the hurricanrana! Jeff is down and a pin attempt fails to keep him out. Nitro goes to the top rope but Jeff is up and all four men are in with MNM on the turnbuckles. The Hardy’s hit stereo superplexes. Tazz sings the theme song. Melina is distracting the ref and as Jeff goes to chastise her, Nitro hits the dropkick, missing Jeff and hitting Melina. MNM hit the Snapshot but Matt breaks it up. He is removed from the ring and MNM turn to Jeff, attempting a superSnapshot but Matt jumps in with the double neckbreaker and a Swanton on top of both members on MNM. Jeff hits the pin and the Hardys win in 22:33.

2016 comments:

Bit of a spotfest, but a lovely spotfest nonetheless.

2006 comments:

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss MNM.

Grade: A

The Hardys leave and we see replays of the best spots of the match. Melina looks legit hurt but the camera doesn’t hang around enough to show any blood.

Back to the announcers and both men drag themselves through the script, screwing it up wherever they can.

Cut to prerecorded footage of RVD understanding that the Elimination Chamber is a tough match. It isn’t as tough as any other match, they’re just being fools.

Matt Striker’s music hits and down he comes to the ring, shaking his head at the swearing of the crowd. Striker has the mic, which is where he should be. He makes fun of Balls Mahoney, the awful “wrestler” who is a parody of what ECW used to be. Matt tells us that he has a responsibility to all of us to restore order. He asks the official to enforce the following rules: no gouging of the eyes, no pulling of the hair, no manoeuvres off the top rope and, most importantly, no foul language. Fair play, Matt. This is a Striker’s rules match.

Balls comes down. He has class music. He’s a shit wrestler, but he’s a great showman. Matt has a picture of his own face on his arse. Pantastic.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls, whose real name was Jon Rechner, sadly died on April 12, 2016 at the age of 44 of a heart attack, yet another performer in wrestling who left us too soon. Despite my personal feelings for Balls as a wrestler and performer, it is a tragedy for anyone to lose a life. He passed away enjoying himself – watching Jeopardy and answering questions on the couch – and is survived by his wife Gayle and his son Christopher.

Striker’s Rules match: Malls Mahoney def. Matt Striker via pin in 07:12.

Bell goes and Balls is discussing things with Balls. There is a test of strength where Balls wins. The announcers tell us that Balls has an accomplished amateur wrestling career. Balls botches a jump over Striker and attempts the armbar but Stiker breaks it on the bottom rope. Striker is having pants trouble at the moment. Another test of strength is called but Striker beats on him, bouncing his head off the turnbuckle, reversing an Irish Whip and hitting an armbar on Balls, which he botches. Striker is doing things differently and it works. Striker actually pulls on Ball’s hair, though.

Striker hits more arm-based moves and Tazz calls Striker effeminate. Nice, Tazz. Keep it classy. Bit of an armbar city over here with Striker having a good long hold of some Balls. The announcers keep telling us how smart Matt is and how he is working on Balls’ arm. A run to the corner is stopped with a boot to the face but Matt gets another armbar on. The crowd chant his name each time Mahoney has offence, but it is never for too long. Mahoney goes to the top rope, but that is clearly against the rules so the ropes are shaken and Balls falls. Great rolling armbar and Balls is held there until he can break hold by grabbing the ropes. Great back drop and a bunch of knockdown strikes followed by a back body drop and Mortal Kombat Strikes, each with a “Balls!” from the crowd. Balls hits the spinebuster and pins Matt in 7:12.

2016 comments:

Not amazing, but a good comedy match with a weak ending.

2006 comments:

I can never get enough of Matt Striker being hurt

Grade: B

Backstage, we see CM Punk punching the air. Sabu, however, has been hurt in an unseen attack. It appears that he will not be taking part tonight. In comes our favourite Jew, Paul E. Dangerously, who rambles for a while and looks on helplessly. The Elimination Chamber is down to five. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!” knowing that it is, indeed, bullshit.

Old Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay come out to the ring with their towels and angry faces. Both of them have “Terkay” on the back of their tracksuit tops. I love the gimmick of legit sportspersons and having cornermen. It makes it seem more like the wrestlers are taking themselves seriously.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Elijah Burke used to be an officer in Jacksonville but would segue into wrestling through boxing. He had an impressive 98-1/103-1 win/loss record (depends on whether you ask Club 5, Club Plush or WWE themselves) and could not pull his punches in the ring so never threw worked punches. Sylvester Terkay is just as impressive, being a 5-time NCAA Boxing Champion, a 4-time NCAA National Heavyweight Champion and has the honour of being named number one Gaijin during his time in Japan.

Double Trouble Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls Mahoney was the evil Xanta Klaus in In Your House 5: Seasons Beatings… and Sylvester Terkay was Santa Imposter during an episode of In the House. Facts!

Elijah has the mic and gets heat from the crowd for smiling and talking about himself. He says that, “like a wild animal in heat, we will leave our mark!” which is a nice way of saying that they’re going to pee everywhere.

Out come the FBI (Full Blooded Italians), Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke with Trinity, who is a woman.

Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay def. The FBI (Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke) (w/ Trinity) via pin in 6:41.

The bell goes and Elijah is in the ring with his hat still on. Little Guido gets a quick full-nelson slam followed by Elijah spinning on him and slapping his face. Guido is not happy. Elijah is still wearing his hat. Guido gives Elijah the drop-toe hold, steals his hat, hits the armbar and tags in Tony Mamaluke. Tony drags Elijah about, tags in Guido and they hit the double elbow-drop. Tony is back in but gets knocked back before Sylvester gets in, beating on Tony in the corner, who slaps him back. A powerful Irish Whip is reversed and as the FBI attempt to double team Sylvester, he takes over, catching Guido mid-air, doing the big boot on Sylvester and chucking Guido out. The crowd reply with, “You still suck!”

Elijah comes in and there’s some headlock city going on there in the middle of the ring. Guido fights back, is thrown into the corner with Terkay and the Man-Bear is tagged in to delivery an amazing kick to Guido. MMA training, brah. Terkay Irish whips Guido into the corner and then does the same to Elijah. More headlock city from Elijah and Guido. Guido escapes, tags in Tony, who starts gaining momentum, but is stopped when Terkay comes in. The FBI double team Terkay and double flapjack Elijah. A close pin attempt. Elijah throws Tony into Terkay’s fist and hits the Elijah Experience for the pin in 6:41.

2016 comments:

Good half a match that finished too early.

2006 comments:

Terkay is the weak link in this match but was used well. Not a bad match.

Grade: B

Terkay hits the Muscle Buster on Tony and get some good old fashioned heat back. I tell you, December to Dismember is known as one of the worst PPVs of all time, but at the moment, it’s… okay. I know that I’m just cursing myself now, but for real, it’s been enjoyable. Only three matches left though and they might well be the drizzling shits.

On the Card will return on December 10 2016 with the second and final part of ECW December to Dismember 2006.