Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.

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Ruthless Aggression #6: SummerSlam (August 20, 2006) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Good Booker/Batista match and the DX/McMahon match was acceptable…

Cut to a promo for WrassleMania 23 in Detroit. Card isn’t up yet so they can’t even advertise anything.

Cut to Cena/Edge promo for the championship. We see Edge win the Money in the Bank ladder match at WrassleMania 23 and him cashing it in at New Year’s Revolution, losing it again to Cena at Royal Rumble before winning it back on Raw in a triple threat match between Cena, RVD and Edge. Then Edge slaps John Cena’s dad, the cheeky monkey. Edge threatens Cena and the Doctor of Thuganomics fights back. We see Lita being a dick and John Cena drops his R’s calling Edge the “Rated aww soopahstaaaw.”

Lilian Garcia explains the rules: there is no Champions Advantage here and if Edge gets DQ’d, he loses.

Cena’s music hits and down he comes, being all Cena, all the time. Someone in the crowd has a great “U Can’t C ME” sign with moveable hand. Great lad.

Edge’s perfect music hits and the crowd erupt. Another riot sign, this time saying, “If Edge wins, we riot”. Edge is apparently 6-1 at SummerSlam but Cena is only 2-0. JR reminds us that Edge will lose the title if he gets DQ’d but Cena is the same.

WWE Championship match: Edge (c) (w/ Lita) def. John Cena via pin in 15:41.

Cena wastes no time in running into Edge and pushing him towards the turnbuckle, only retreating to eye up his opponent and run back in. Cena delivers some great punches and kicks to our man Edge followed by a pin and only the two. Cena Irish whips Edge into the corner, where he almost hits the ref, but stops in time for Cena to hit a great belly-to-belly on the Rated-R Superstar. Cena dives through the ropes after a failed shoulder barge. Countout for Cena but he rolls in at 7.

Edge beats on Cena as JR reminds the audience about ways that Edge can be DQ’d, including maintaining holds after a five count. Cena is knocked to the outside and another countout starts. Ref gets to 9 before Cena rolls back in. Edge goes for another pin but gets only two. Edge hits Cena with a great spinning heel kick. Cena is from West Newbury, Massachusetts, which is near Boston, so the crowd are a bit riled up. Edge is a filthy Canuck.

Cena hits Edge with a great suplex but gets only a two-count. Shameful. Cena is thrown over the top rope, the sound is amazing. Good man yourself. Another countout and Cena breaks it. Edge keeps whipping on Cena and an Irish whip is countered. Cena tries to hit a crossbody but Edge ducks. A clothesline brings Cena to the mat once again. Rest hold city as both men take a breather.

JR cannot believe the “hideous conduct of our WWE Champion,” as Edge and Cena cuddle mid-ring. Lita watches on, worried that Edge might, once again, take part in a live sex celebration. Rest hold is broken and Cena fights back, booting Edge and getting a kick in response. Edge goes top rope but Cena punches him, getting ready for the superplex. Edge knocks Cena off, perches and awaits Cena’s rising, getting a great flying clothesline. Edge is very frustrated.

Rousing chant of, “Let’s go Cena! Cena sucks!” as Edge gets Cena in a Camel Clutch to break Cena’s back and make the man humble. Cena lifts Edge up and drops him on his arse. The two men lie about for a while and at the count of six, they’re up, Cena hitting Edge with a jumping bulldog. Lita gets the chair for Edge and the Rated-R Superstar shouts, “No!” and throws it away as Cena jumps up, hits Edge with the shoulder barges, Five Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the FU but gets a DDT from Edge instead. Edge goes to the top rope but Cena is up, going for a super-FU, Edge reverses and Cena reverses that into a roll-up. Edge goes for the cross-body, but Cena rolls through, going for the FU, another reversal and Cena is Irish whipped into the ropes. He almost hits Lita, stops in time and jumps out of the way as Edge hits his girlfriend by mistake!

Both men lie about for a while and Lita is sore by the announcer’s table. Edge is up first and gets ready for the spear which Cena reverses with the drop-toe hold into an STFU. Edge is crawling away, Lita gets the belt to use as a weapon, Edge says no, but as he breaks the hold with a grab of the ropes, Lita puts brass knuckles on Cena. The bitch. Edge goes to punch Cena, who dodges and sets up the FU. Lita jumps in the ring and onto Edge so that Cena lifts both up into a double FU. Lita goes first and Edge cracks Cena with the brass knuckles, getting the pin and retaining his Championship in 15:21.

2016 comments:

Good match. I would expect nothing less from Cena and Edge. I loved how Lita kept trying to make Edge cheat and he would shake his head. Great stuff all together, apart from the screwy finish.

2006 comments:

Ohhhh! Lita! You’re the worst.

Grade: A

Edge just gets out of dodge and actually forgets about Lita! Silly goose. Cena looks fucked ringside. He’s lost in his home state. Shame and disgrace.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: None of the matches this PPV were that impressive. I mean, the Cena/Edge match was great and the Flair/Foley match was just blood and guts, but the rest weren’t great. I want to give the Man of the Matches award to… Rey Mysterio for giving it his all in his own match and botching very little.

Woman of the Matches: No Women’s Match again this time around and, other than the awful promo with Layla’s arse, the only women involved were crafty bitches Melina, Queen Sharmell and Lita. It goes to Lita.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Coast-to-Coast interception with Sweet Chin Music.

Hatches: Chavo Guerroro, Hulk Hogan

Matches: Big Show, Booker T and Edge all retained.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Man of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, Chris [REDACTED] Benoit, Randy Orton, Carlito, Paul London, Rey Mysterio.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Shawn Michaels for his dedication to the craft, excellent matches and just being great.

Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Beulah McGillicutty, [NONE], Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Queen Sharmell for being the best at what she does.

Closing Statements: SummerSlam ’06 was almost great déjà vu: it was a classic but not for the right reasons. The roster was so thick that many wrestlers did not try hard enough because they were big fish in huge, massive ponds and, as usual, the main eventers are not necessarily the best wrestlers, just those who the crowd pay for.

On the Card will return on Sept 17 with the Raw PPV Unforgiven 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #4: Vengeance (June 25, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Best match of the card with the triple threat for the Intercontinental Title betwix Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin and Carlito. Surely it can only get better.

The video shows RVD’s rise in 2006 through his wins at WrestleMania, One Night Stand and the stand-off that Edge and he had at Raw leading up to this match. It’s pretty standard go-home feud fare with the face being lauded as a hard-working star who tries his hardest and it has paid off with the heel being a cheating, no-good liar. Honestly, it would be far more interesting to me if Edge had used their similarities – Money in the Bank winners and cashers-in – as a beginning point for their feud as opposed to Edge, “taking back what’s [his].” If Edge fought RVD out of genuine respect, maybe even taking part in “Extreme” matches to show how hardcore he is (the man was co-holders of the Hardcore Title with Mick Foley, after all) and did so without cheating then this feud would be more interesting. Alas.

Edge’s best music hits and out of the smoke he comes with Lita. She’s feeling herself up and he humps the ring because why not? JR tells us that six years ago, The Rock was getting ready for his sixth title reign. Edge gets on the mic and drops some Canadian bombs about the Stanley Cup, which is a hockey thing. Oh gosh. Edge then tells them, once again, that he and his girlfriend are going to have sex, which is similar to the audience only Edge says that he and Lita are not brother and sister. Hilarious.

RVD comes down wearing both titles around his waist. And look! One of them spins! RVD lets the ref take his title off and the bell rings with little fanfare.

WWE Championship match: Rob Van Dam (c) def. Edge w/ Lita via pin in 17:55.

As the boys hug it out I wonder if it would be cocky for a wrestler to keep a belt on in a match and use it as a weapon? Has it been done before? For a wrestler to keep the belt on and use offence that uses the belt as a weapon? Discuss.

RVD goes to catapult Edge but the man lands it. Lots of RVD vs. Edge spots where one tries to outdo the other athletically. They hug some more and Edge gets RVD in the corner. A punch reverses them and an Irish whip shoots Edge into the opposite corner. He leaps over RVD, who moonsaults upon hitting the turnbuckle. Edge turns that into a lariat, misses, and RVD hits a standing moonsault on the Rated-R Superstar. Edge rolls away from RVD and the crowd chant the champ’s name.

Lots of chain-wrestling and reversals. RVD attempts Rolling Thunder and as Edge speaks to Lita, RVD baseball slides him in the back of the head before hitting a moonsault off the barrier. No pop. Come on, crowd, the dude did three backflips. RVD’s leg is caught by Lita and as he kicks her away, the crowd cheer for that! Come on! Edge sunset flips over the top rope, catches RVD on the apron and powerbombs him to the outside. It only gets a two-count.

The pair scuffle in the corner and Edge hits RVD with a hard Irish whip. JR and King are talking about sex. Edge rakes RVD’s eyes and the ref does nothing. Rest hold. Is this going to be us for the match? Not ten minutes in and we’ve met the first long rest hold. RVD has a wee word with Edge and kicks him in the face. The pace is very, very slow now as Van Dam runs at Edge on the apron and cross-body sends them both to the floor. A suplex onto the barrier and Van Dam goes for his spinning leg kick but misses. Edge rolls RVD into the ring but gets only the two.

Edge tosses RVD to the outside again and Van Dam takes the time to adjust his ponytail. As he crawls to the barrier, Edge powerbombs him into it. Edge rolls him back into the ring and gets only a two and a half count. Edge boots RVD and he actually just shouts, “Ow!” Edge hits RVD with the backbreaker and the crowd chant that, “Lita swallows!” which is another crime, apparently. JR speculates that RVD would probably be better if he just allowed himself to be disqualified, much like Mick did earlier in the night.

A big boot sends RVD to the mat and Edge takes the opportunity to ram his opponent’s head into the turnbuckle. The two men talk and RVD actually nods in agreement. An attempt at a super DDT is thwarted by Edge but he gets a kick to the face twice for his effort. Both guys are gassed and the pace is glacial. RVD chant rises and a bunch of clotheslines and body drop followed by German suplex to a pin but the champ only gets a two and a half. Van Dam attempts Rolling Thunder again but Edge jumps up and catches RVD in mid-air, body slamming him onto the canvas. Van Dam hits a dropkick from the top rope and goes for the Five Star Frog Splash but Edge moves away. Van Dam then hits a super Rolling Thunder followed by a split-legged moonsault but still can’t get the win. What will it take to put this boy away. The two mon reverse each other until Van Dam accidentally hits the ref. With the official out of commission, Edge calls for the belt and is about to use it to hit his opponent but Van Dam boots him in the head, busting him open.

Van Dam goes up high but Lita interferes and drops him on his nuts. Edge then gives a hanging DDT to RVD from the top rope and goes for the pin but RVD kicks out at the last moment. Edge is now bust and Lita holds the steel chair in the corner. Edge goes to spear RVD into it but the champ dodge and Edge spears Lita, the chair and himself. Five Star Frog Splash and RVD gets the pin in 17:55.

2016 comments:

Good start, good ending, unresponsive crowd and both men gassed in the middle. I will admit that this is not main event status but then it shouldn’t be for the bloody championship if it was.

2006 comments:

That darn Lita. She’ll pay for this!

Grade: C

RVD rolls on his back like a fat man who can’t get up. He parades about the ring as Edge lies bust on the canvas. And they just changed it after Ric Flair bled all over it, too. Shameful. The replays of the Five Star Frog Splash show that the move really hurts both people. What’s the point in it?

Cut to the ECW locker room where the boys all cheer for RVD and ECW. Paul E. Dangerously comes in to remind them all about the lumberjacks in the Extreme Lumberjack match later. When Paul mentions Sabu, Stevie Richards in the background does the Sabu pose, pointing at the roof.

Cut to the ring and the pyro as Kane walks to the ring. See, now, this is where the brand split thing is annoying. Waaaay back in April, we saw the beginning of a feud between Kane and before-ECW-Big Show where a voiceover played and reminded Kane of May 19th, the date of his movie See No Evil. What happened on May 19th? Nothing, but on May 29th, an imposter dressed as Kane appeared on Raw wearing Kane’s old mask and ring attire. Oh, that old chestnut. Who else had a real vs. imposter match again? Only everyone. But also Kane’s half-brother, The Undertaker. Oh yeah. Someone in the crowd has a sign that says “Will the real Kane please stand up?” which is a reference that is only six years old at this point in time.

Kane’s old theme hits and pyro goes as the Imposter walks out. I tell you what, he has Kane’s walk down but the outfit looks awful. As JR tells us that he interviewed Kane earlier in the week and the man himself said that he knew who the Imposter was, Kane actually says that himself in the ring and the lines sync up, which is nice. Imposter Kane has no beard. As the Imposter goes to set off the ring pyro, Kane starts wailing on him.

Imposter Kane def. Kane via pin in 07:00.

Well, this is a gimmick match and so should be difficult to watch. I love Kane but this match does not deserve to come after the WWE championship match. Imposter sits up and as the imposter lands on his feet outside, he checks his wig. Kane and his Imposter roll back into the ring and there is a choke in the corner. Imposter turns on the ref who almost runs out of the ring in fear. Kane goes for the Imposter’s mask and once again goes for the ref. Imposter takes the time to hit Kane with the sidewalk slam. Jerry says that every move the Imposter does is exactly like Kane.

Lots of matwork where the Imposter checks his wig and mask and glove. Big powerslam from the Imposter and more chinlock city. The crowd couldn’t give a shit. This is filler before the double main event, which is to say, no main event. Both Kanes grab at each other’s throats and Kane hits his Imposter with a great DDT and powerslam. Despite Kane’s shape at this point in time (bad), he is moving very quickly, hitting his opponent with a sidewalk slam, attempting the choke slam, missing, countering a chokeslam of Imposters and getting a boot to the face. Imposter goes up top (why? We know you’re not going to jump) and Kane goes to give the Imposter a modified safe superplex. Kane goes to chokeslam the Imposter and goes up to himself for the knee but the imposter grabs him mid-jump, chokeslams him and goes for the pin in seven of your earthly minutes.

2016 comments:

Bad, bad match. Poor Kane, reduced to this garbage. Neither competitors wanted to be there and other than Imposter’s occasionally amazing mimicry of Attitude Era Kane, this was nonsense.

2006 comments:

I went for a pee, what happened?

Grade: D

Imposter does Kane’s old back fall out of the ring.

Straight-up shoot fact: Imposter Kane is actually Drew Hankinson AKA Festus AKA The Freakin’ Deacon AKA Director of Chaos AKA D. O. C. AKA Luke Gallows. He was unmasked one day later on Raw and buggered off for ages. He came back as Festus then buggered off again only to return as Luke Gallows and part of CM Punk’s Straight Edge Society. Then he went off to other promotions, joined the Bullet Club and finally returned in April 2016 with Karl Anderson.

On the Card will return on July 16th with the fourth and final part of Vengeance 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #1. Backlash 2006 (April 30, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Backlash 2006 was heating up with a decent RVD vs Shelton Bejamin match and a regrettable Big Show vs. Kane match. Can we start some momentum heading into our two main events?

Tony Hawk intro and promo package to show how Vince and Shane came to battle Shawn Michaels and God. Great recap of the WrestleMania 22 match between Vince and Shawn. Vince announces McMahonism, the theology of the future. Vince dares God to strike him down and we see the ring posts spark as he approaches them. Lots of horizons and suns and biblical quotes. Garbage.

Here Comes the Money hits and my boy Shane O Mac pops out. He’s wrestling in shoes, baseball tops and jogging bottoms. I love Shane McMahon. I once had a childhood friend named Shane McMahon, but it was pronounced differently. No Chance hits and old Vinnie Mac swaggers down the ramp like an asshole. JR mentions that he does not want to go to Hell for any reason. Vince takes the mic and announced “one of… well, the only tag team partner Shawn Michaels will have tonight… God!” There is spot on the Titantron, harp music and the spot moves towards the ring slowly. Vince stops the spot halfway down the ramp and tells off the spotlight. McMahon reminds God that it is the WWE and that he must “get jiggy with it.” Funky music plays, God’s spot continues its descent, the world gets dumber as Vince dances. JR says, “someone call 911.”

The spot circles the ring and enters the ring. Vince quips, “The hell is that? He snuck up behind me.” Vince makes the ref to check God out and see if he has any illegal weapons. Vince then reveals that the match is now No Holds Barred. Praise be the name of Vincent Kennedy McMa-

FUCK THAT, HBK’S MUSIC HITS.

Shawn has still got it. Ten years after Shawn won the WWF Champrionship in a 60-minute Iron Man Match with Bret Hart, he still has it. What a guy. He falls to his knees, pyro hits and the women are still mental in the crowd. JR says, “you might as well say it… a handicap match!”

Vince, on the mic, threatens that Shawn “and God are gonna go straight to hell!” and gets a slap for his trouble.

The McMahons def. Shawn Michaels via pinfall in 19:57

I will refuse to count this as anything other than what it is: a handicap match. That is not because I’m an Atheist or even that I’m a diehard Christian, but just that the gimmick is weak on the ground. We get it, Vince, Shawn is a Born-Again Christian and you’re trying to antagonise him. Good job. Let’s move on.

HBK beats on Vince for a while, Shane tries to break them up and gets a wallop for his trouble. Shane gets a great back body drop and HBK hits a cross-body suicide dive over the top rope. Shane and Shawn go over the top rope but HBK holds on, pulls himself back in and hits the senton suicide dive. One minute in and Shawn has jumped out twice. HBK chant rises as the man himself walks Shane up the Titantron. The pair swap punches and Shane gets HBK into a piledrive, walks back to the steel grate and gets flipped by HBK. Vince turns up with a chair and HBK beats him down. He then throws Shane into the spiked decorations at the side of the Titantron, spins and hits the cross-body on Vince, knocking them both off the Titantron and onto a pad on the floor. HBK regrets the jump a split second before his feet leave the floor.

HBK is up and climbing up to the Titantron and there is Shane to crack him with a steel chair shot to the face. Shane goes to check on his daddy. The camera follows him so that Michaels can blade. By the time Shane makes his way back to the ramp, HBK is bust open and bleeding all over his chest. JR states that Vince is “losing his mind… in my opinion.” HBK is rolling about, the blood is on Shane’s shirt and the pair of them are selling each shot. Great arm drag takedown into the security wall by Shane. Back in the ring, Michaels is jumping from each shot Shane gives him. Vince is back at ringside. Shane is beating on Michaels like a madman. Great backdrop from the Boy Wonder. Shane goes to the top turnbuckle and goes for a great elbow but Michaels rolls out of the way. Shawn starts punching back, Vince is waiting for the tag… even though it is a no-holds-barred match.

Vince is tagged in and removes his belt. He starts whipping on Michaels and jabbering to himself. Cameramen by ringside. Brilliant match so far, but the pace has slowed after the initial spots. Vince asks Shane for a weapon and his son obliges by throwing in a trash can, cracking Michaels right on the head. Vince gets the mic and starts shouting at God in the corner, claiming that he is leaving Michaels alone in the ring. The cameraman even follows God. Vince threatens Shawn and goes for Sweet Chin Music but Michaels catches the boot and runs the ropes. Both men are down and Shane is knocked to the floor. Vince starts to stagger to his feet and Shawn does his patented kip-up, dodged a chair shot from Shane (which cracks Vince), knocks Shane to his feet. Another kip-up, an atomic drop and Michaels starts battering forearms on Shane, knocking him down, getting him up, knocking him down.

Big body slam and Michaels is on the top rope, dropping a fearsome elbow “onto the black heart of the crown prince of the McMahon Empire,” says our man JR. The crowd count to each stomp of the boot and HBK hits Sweet Chin Music on both McMahons before going under the ring to take out two tables. They’re slid into the ring and JR reminds us (as if we would forget) that this match is no DQ. The crowd chant “we want tables!” even though that tables are already there. Blind boys of Kentucky.

Shawn drapes Shane over the table and pops to the outside. Some lad in the crowd is wearing a Venom T-shirt, nice one. Michaels throws Vince inside the ring. Jerry says, “Looks like McMahon was… praying there. That couldn’t be the case, could it?” JR replies, “I don’t think he knows how. I think that would be foreign territory for him.” Both McMahons (the McMen) are on the tables and Shawn pulls a huuuuuge ladder from under the ring, pushes it in and gets it set up. It is damn near the size of the ring. The commentators say 20 feet. At one point, JR admits he is not a Home Depot guy and says that it must be 30 feet…. At least. From the size of Michaels (just over 6 feet), he is just under halfway the height of the ladder, so it must be around 15 feet or so, which is still a fearsome height. He clambers up it, gets ready and jumps… outside the ring onto the Spirit Squad.

Yes! The Spirit Squad, the Tag Team Champions are ringside, all five of the emerald cunts, or, as JR calls them, “The most annoying quintet in the WWE.” He fights back but the Squad take over and stomp Michaels, punch and beat on him. They jump into the ring and pull Shane and Vince out of harm’s way, dismantling the weapons in the ring. JR notices that, at this point, it is seven-on-one. The squad grab a limb each, throw Michaels into the air and smash him on a table. Vince crooks his leg and gets the pin in 19:57.

2016 comments:

As JR says at the end of the match: “That was bullshit.” And it was. The ending was garbage. At least let Michaels get the big spot or reverse it so that Shane elbows Shawn through the tables or something. The match was a shit sandwich – great spots at the start, great spots at the end and garbage in between. That said, the spots really upped the score somewhere into the stratosphere.

2006 comments:

Fucking love Shawn and Shane but Vince looks like a sausage.

Grade: B

JR apologises for his language. Jerry says, “the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit… Squad”. The referee shakes his head over Michael’s body. Vince shakes his big steroid arms.

Cut backstage to introduce my boy “the most controversial champion in WWE History” John Cena. Cena looks the same even though it’s ten years ago. In that time, he has won the championship a further thirteen times. His hands are huge. He relates the fact that he does not need to be pinned in order to lose the championship. He bigs up Lillian Garcia and says he’s going to keep the belt.

Matt Striker comes out to give everyone a lesson. He was, according to JR, fired for “conduct unbecoming of a schoolteacher.” He actually was a legit high school teacher. He’s a great guy on the mic and riles up the crowd about fried chicken, illegally recruited basketball players and their lack of education. As a teacher myself, this man has class. He introduces “one of the smartest men to ever come from Kentucky” and out comes… Eugene. Oh Christ.

I like Eugene. I have a soft spot for him. Is he a great wrestler? No. Is he the underdog? Yes. Is he an offensive stereotype? Oh fuck yes.

Striker makes fun of Eugene and says he can’t spell his own name. He gives the chalk to Eugene, dares him to prove Striker wrong and spell his own name. Striker makes fun of Ashley Judd. Eugene reveals that he has not spelled his name and, instead, under “Matt Striker” he wrote, “loves poop” which is fair enough.

But who among us is not a closet poop fan? Let he who is without sin cast the first poop.

Striker really heels it up and claims that he is not a coprophiliac. Eugene starts up a “You love poop” chant. It’s 2006, guys. Come on.

Eugene has found a booger in his nose and threatens to eat it. Striker bravely stops him and Eugene thanks him by giving him the booger. Then stunners Striker while JR sells some BBQ sauce by the side. “It’ll take more than my barbeque sauce to make that feel good.” JR is crying ringside. Tony Hawk intro of the main event and it needs a main event promo to introduce it. We see the HHH vs. Cena match from WrestleMania 22 where Cena retained the belt after tapping Trips out. At the Monday Night Raw after WrestleMania, bust-face Edge says that he and he alone is worthy of the WWE Championship. We see HHH beating Cena, then Cena beating Edge then Edge beating HHH. Like some bastard game of rock-paper-scissors, these men are all starter Pokémon in this main event match.

Edge’s best theme with the lyrics plays and out he comes with Lita. They’re both great. I love Edge and Lita looks one hundred percent. Edge is taking big breaths and Trip’s The Game hits. Out he comes, taking about half an hour to walk thirty feet and drink half a bottle of water. And he spills half of it on the ramp. Hunter, there are children in Afric- you know what? Forget it. You wouldn’t care anyways. Big sign of “On Your Knees, Dog.” Poor kid holding the comma. Triple H, not happy with wasting an entire night walking to the ring, now finds that he cannot get down from the turnbuckle. Poor tucker. Trips chews on some tobacco as well.

John Cena music. The man himself raps it. Out he comes, shouting at the crowd, all hyped up on muscles and hustle. He has the same love/hate split as he does now. Personally, I love Cena and can’t get enough of the man. The wrestler is okay, but John Cena the man is a hero, a real-life superhero.

WWF Championship Triple Threat match: John Cena (c) def. Edge w/ Lita and Triple H via pinfall in 17:33

Match begins and the three men get a Mexican standoff started first. Edge speaks for a while and removes himself from the ring, leaving Cena and Trips to beat each other up. Fast shoulder presses followed by a quick suplex and a pin attempt broken up by Edge. Trips hits Cena with an inverted atomic drop and a high knee followed by a second pin attempt broken by Edge. Cena and Trips punch the shit out of each other for a while and the two men turn to stare at Edge, pulling him into the ring and start a game of punch-tennis where Edge is the ball. The Rated-R Superstar is outside and John and Hunter beat on Edge for a while, bouncing his head off the announcer’s table.

Edge is rolled back in but then the Triple Threat resumes with Trips throwing out Cena and going for Edge. The two men go at each other for a bit and seems gassed. Cena pulls at Trips’ legs, bouncing his face off the apron. Cena goes top-rope and for the first time in history, no one stops him. He hits the splash on Edge followed by a spinout powerbomb that leads to a Five Knuckle Shuffle attempt before Lita pulls on the ropes, flipping Cena outside. Trips is back inside the ring and hits Edge with the running knee. He goes for the pin and gets nothing but a two-count.

Edge runs at Trips and the Game hits him with a fucking beeeeautiful spinebuster. Edge lands a reversal badly on his ankle and runs the ropes. Trips gets Edge into a sleeper hold and the crowd chant for our man Cena. Cena lifts both Edge and Trips for the FU and Edge hits him with a spear. Cena is hurting and Carlito Jr. is outside the ring there. Edge gets Trips into position for the catapult to the turnbuckle and Hunter takes the time to blade. As soon as he hits the ring post, he spins and shows off his blood. Good man yourself. He is bust wide open and is set to bleed like a motherfucker when he’s thrown on the announcers table. Trips gets a DDT from Edge, but the table doesn’t break. Trips is really badly bleeding right now, steams of blood dripping from his huge forehead, pools of it outside the ring.

Inside, Edge and Cena are going at it. Edge hits Cena with a spear and the crowd only care about Trips. Cena gets Edge into the STFU and the Rated-R Superstar is ready to tap. Both men are screaming, Edge is clawing his way to the ropes and Triple H’s hand stops Edge from tapping or grabbing the rope and busts Cena with the microphone. Trips cracks Edge with a brutal headshot that probably leads to Edge’s retirement years later. Trips is in the ring and a drop toe hold from Cena leads to the STFU on trips. His face is a crimson mask. My favourite spot as the ref lifts Trips hand and lets it drop once, twice, thr- NO! TRIPLE H STOPS HIS HAND FROM FALLING. HE’S STILL IN THE GAME. THE GAME IS IN THE GAME. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.

Triple H lifts Cena up, crawls to the rope and breaks the hold. Cena is up and poised to hit the FU but Trips reverses, gets ready for the Pedigree and Cena hits another drop toe hold and another STFU. Edge is up, he’s on the top rope, he’s ready to jump and Cena is up, punching Edge, falling back, knocking the ref senseless. From the top, Cena gets Edge ready for the FU when Trips is up, gets Cena in the electric chair, falls back and all three men hit the canvas.

Lita is in with a steel chair. She runs at Trips and he spinebusters her. What a fucking champ. Trips has the chair up, he decides not to hit anyone, exits the ring and gets… THE SLEDGEHAMMER. His head is just bloody, the poor bastard. Cena is getting up when Edge spears Trips out of nowhere. He has the sledgehammer now, goes to beat Cena and gets lifted for an FU. Trips low-blows Cena, Edge falls out of the ring and a Pedigree attempt turns until a roll-up by Cena for the one-two-three.

2016 comments:

Simple and effective mayhem. You were left guessing with each manouever. No one got their big move off, which seems like a cheap match, but then everyone goes over and everyone gets heat. If Cena had hit someone with the FU or Trips hit the Pedigree and they tapped out then Cena or Trips would look weak. In this match, it was really between powerhouses Cena and Trips. Edge was the plucky underdog and got off a bunch of powerful spears, did not get pinned and lost clean. Even Trips lost because Cena was quick-thinking as opposed to better. Great fucking match.

2006 comments:

I hope wrestlers just bleed forever.

Grade: A

Trips stops Cena’s celebrations with a sledgehammer attack and then goes to beat up the ref and Edge for good measure. Big cheers from the crowd, Trips hits the crotch chops and his music blares. The King still reigns and his big roid-belly is covered in red, red blood. Trips really looks fucked. I’m surprised he doesn’t fall off the damn ramp, the psycho. Some replays of the last seconds in the ring. JR: “Mah Gawd, what a triple threat match. Mah Gawd what a night!”

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Déjà vu here, but Shawn Michaels. That man was on from start to finish. He took a hell of a bump off the top of that ladder and his match was held by him. Cena and Edge and Trips did a good job, but Shawn took the lion’s share of his matches.

Woman of the Matches: Not many to choose from here, with the only one women’s match. I’d have to give it to Trish Stratus, though. Wrestling with a dislocated shoulder? You’re hard as fuck, wee girl.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: Michaels tackling Vince off the stage.

Hatches: Technically all of the wrasslers in the PPV are hatches as they appear for the first time on this blog, but none are legit hatches as they have wrestled in the Fed before now. Still, I will name them thusly: Carlito, Chris Masters, Umaga, Ric Flair, Mickie James, Trish Stratus, Rob Van Dam, Shelton Benjamin, Big Show, Kane, Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, Shawn Michaels, Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, Mikey (Spirit Squad) Triple H, Edge, John Cena. The managers were Armando Alejandro Estrada and Lita. We had Maria and Todd interviewing, Candice in the background and Jumping Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler on announcing duty along with the wonderful and shaken Lillian Garcia.

Matches: Rob Van Dam wins Shelton Benjamin’s WWE Intercontinental title and both Mickie James and John Cena retain.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: It was not as bad as I remember it being, although it might be because I fucking loved the last match, which is what a bad PPV should have. PPVs should be like pizza, I suppose. Even if it’s shite, let it end with a bang.

On the Card will return on May 21 with the Smackdown PPV Judgment Day.