Previously on On the Card: Best match of the PPV and it was barely a B grade.
Backstage, the entire Nation of Domination is there. We see the most recent RAW where Faarooq beats the shite out of Taker after a match. Faarooq tells Undertaker not to worry about Paul Bearer’s blackmail. He should be worried about (points at chest and looks awkward) this black male. Faarooq may become the first Black champion of the Fed, something which, in the year 1997, should not be a thing. There should not be first Black anyone in the year 1997. I know wrestling is a bit behind the times, but, c’mon, guys. At least pretend you’re not racist, damn.
Back in the ring, The Fink is introducing the next match the only way he knows how: not very well.
The Nation come out and I am so glad that there are no cunts giving these lads the Seig Heil, because you know that some cunts in audience would do that. Some cunts are giving the double-bird, though.
Shit, Bearer looks like hell. He has a weird ginger-coloured toupee on, his moustache is shaved, he has bandages on his face and Taker is staring daggers at him. Dok tells Taker that he loves him and always will. Bearer threatens Taker and the Deadman walks off in a huff.
Back in the ring, Vince tells us that Dok speaks for himself. The bell tolls and the WWF champion, rightfully, enters the ring last. Big blue light and smoke as he slowly strolls with Pauly B behind him, looking like a fat bastard. Vince tells us that Faarooq has played the race card. Taker raises his hands and the lights come on. People are freaked out, apparently. Taker is wearing his fetching long leather tunic-style outfit. Bearer tries to undress him but Taker is having none of it. Then Faarooq Pearl Harbours him from behind.
WWF Championship Match: The Undertaker (c) vs. Faarooq.
The one and only championship match this evening, on a night featuring literally all the champions.
Paul rolls out of the ring and Faarooq batters Taker for a bit, walking him around all the corners. Taker reverses it and manhandles the challenger in the corner. Faarooq reverses an Irish Whip and Taker springs out, knocking Faarooq down, missing the elbow drop and attempting a pin after a punch. Paul Bearer gives the Undertaker some advice and repeats it to the camera: “All he had to do was hook the leg and one-two-three.” Wise words.
Lovely powerslam and Taker is down. The NOD attack him while the ref is distracted. The ref is Earl Hebner, so he was probably distracted by someone wanting to buy a t-shirt. Taker goes for Old School on Faarooq and turns to give the cross-body to the outside onto the NOD. He batters them all down but a simple slap from any of them would give him the win. He gives Faarooq the chin-breaker and then goes for Old School again. NOD distract Earl again, the big useless shite, and Taker’s balls hit the top rope. Predictable.
Lovely snap suplex from Faarooq and Taker sits up immediately. Bearer shouts at Taker and JR calls him a pain in the fanny. Fanny over here means vagina. More ref distractions and more NOD attacks. It’s very boring. Faarooq throws the Undertaker out and then picks up the steel steps. Taker gets the big boot up and Faarooq falls on his hole. Taker beats on Faarooq for a while and hits a gruesome piledriver. It looks very painful. Shame upon him. Smelly ECW mark on the hard cam holds up a sign. The crowd chant, “Rest in Peace!” and the two take a knee and lie down for a bit. Lovely rest. Earl doesn’t see Faarooq cheat. Yep. Going to the well one too many times, here, lads. Who booked this?
JR tells us that the WWF title means a lot of money, which is interesting as it is the second time they’ve mentioned money and titles. Sleeper hold turned to chinbreaker to a senton splash. Faarooq punches Taker around the ring and attempts another piledriver. Taker counters and misses a leg drop. Faarooq is up and punching Taker, who gets a knee to the face from Faarooq. Big jump from Faarooq from Bret’s Rope but Taker catches him and turns it into a lovely powerslam. Taker is hammering on Faarooq in the corner, runs the ropes, attempts a jumping clothesline, misses and takes a tongue-lashing from P Bizzle himself. He truly is the worst of us. One more ref distraction and NOD attack which causes a bit of a rift between Crush and D’Lo Broon. Undertaker lifts Faarooq up for a shaky Tombstone and the pin.
The Undertaker has pinned Faarooq for the win in 13:43.
Easily the second-best match of the night.
Bit racist near the end there, lads.
D’Lo and Crush get a wee chokeyslam from Taker and Paul Bearer comes in to look at the madness. Cunts in the crowd throw shit and hopefully get thrown through a fucking window. This is a wrestling match, for God’s sake. It’s not opera. You can’t just throw shit. Pauly B shouts at Taker and he chokeslams Faarooq. Paul shouts some more and Taker looks upset. He chokeslams Faarooq a second time. Bearer requests that Taker kindly give Faarooq a third chokeslam. I forgot that the red-haired version of P Bizzle was a white supremacist. He’s my least favourite Paul Bearer.
Out comes Ahmed, shouting at them all. Is he defending the NOD? Is he imploring Taker to snap out of it? Is raising hell?
Well, we don’t know, but he Pearl River Plunges Taker while more cunts throw shite into the ring. Paul boots Taker and finally he sits up, squaring up to Bearer before following the jolly fat man out of the ring and out of the arena and to the end of the PPV.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: No real stand-out matches or competitors here, so I’d have to go for Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels for giving the only half-decent match of the night.
Woman of the Matches: Chyna or Marlena again? Chyna, so.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Stone Cold Steve Austin and Shawn Michaels.
Best Spot: Stunner and Sweet Chin Music combo to all of the referees.
Matches: Undertaker retains his WWF World Heavyweight Championship.
Dispatches: Jerry is gone from competitive matches until Fully Loaded, thank God. Crush disappears from matches until Ground Zero. Ahmed Johnson is gone until Survivor Series. This is the last we see of Sycho Sid. He took time off to recover from a neck injury that required surgery and went to ECW in 1999. This is the last we see of Immigration Clarence Mason, sadly. D’Lo Broon is oot until Badd Blood.
Closing Statements: A very disappointing PPV. A real let down and significant drop in quality overall. Bad show.
On the Card will return on July 6 2017 with In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede.