Previously on On the Card: Bloody Hell in the Cell, great send-off for Trish (though could have been better).
Cut to backstage where we see Randy Orton give hell to Trish saying that no one cares about her retirement unless they are Canadian, in which case, he states, they don’t have much of a life. Killer burn, Legend Killer. He then calls Trish a bitch. What the fuck, Randy? This is the cheapest of the cheap heat.
That said, the man has a great theme tune and he comes out to it, with the golden shower firing off behind him. A wee bit of bacne on him as well. Come on, Randy, I know that it’s a while before the Wellness Policy comes into effect (something that he failed twice) but… come on, bro.
Then Carlito comes down. No craic from the man. The arena is full of smoke from Randy’s Golden Shower as the bell rings for what is set to be a forgettable matchup.
Randy Orton def. Carlito via pinfall in 8:41.
Jerry asks that Carlito get angry that Randy called Trish a bitch, but that he must not lose his focus. Randy and Carlito lock up aggressively and Randy roars, “Come on!” receiving a big gob of spit from Carlito. Randy rolls out, gets in, dodges a moonsault by Carlito and a quick two-count. Randy fights back, rubbing his face with disgust, wiping the spit away. Some, “oooohs!” from the crowd as Carlito and Randy trade slaps. Potential botched moonsault where Carlito did not get enough of a launch from Bret’s rope and so he repeats it on the other side and has a much better result. Very close two count.
Orton is bust! How did he get bust? When did this happen? JR considers that it could be an internal injury. Randy sells it like he is knocked out, but it is only a ruse as Randy dropkicks Carlito out of the ring, beats him, rolls him back in and has a few quick pin attempts. Jerry really sells Randy’s dropkick and it is a lovely dropkick. We see the potential attack that bust Randy: Carlito’s elbow cracks Orton as he lands his moonsault. Randy gets Carlito in a headlock but he escapes. Randy hits a great powerslam but only gets the two count. Headlock city for a while. JR calls Orton, “obviously a handsome young man,” and that sounds about right.
Carlito fights his way back up, reverses a backdrop. Carlito hits the springboard shoulder barge and follows it with a fantastic clothesline. JR calls it a slobberknocker. Carlito attempts a pin, fails, and gets frustrated. Orton hits the running backbreaker, rolls into postion and calls for the RKO, battering the mat and shouting. RKO is reversed into a Backcracker. Carlito attempts a neckbreaker, lots of reversals lead him to climb the turnbuckle and as he springboards off the top rope, launching himself towards Orton, Randy spins and hits him with the RKO. As JR shouts, “Good God Almighty!”, Randy gets the pin in 8:41.
Forgettable, boring, by-the-numbers match. Neither competitor feels like they’re into this feud and it is generally a slow match so that people can pee before the main event. That RKO though.
The crowd copy Randy’s Legend Killer pose and JR tells us that Randy stole the match out of mid-air. He then calls him a “jackass”. They both lie and call it a “great match”.
Cut to a promo for our main event, the Tables, Ladders and Chairs match between Edge and John Cena. The stipulation is that if Cena loses, he is drafted to SmackDown. We see Edge and Lita chuck the Spinner Belt into the Long Island Sound. Edge gets his own Rated-R Superstar belt and Cena, predictably, fights back, throwing Edge into the Sound himself. Edge bays for Cena’s removal from Raw. Cena shows them the contract where he might go to SmackDown and will sign it if he gets another chance at the championship. Edge agrees, under two stipulations: that he names the place and type of match. John agrees and Edge names Unforgiven in Toronto, Edge’s home town as the venue and Tables, Ladders and Chairs as the match type, a match Edge has never lost. The video really shows the blueness of Cena’s eyes and the two lads beat on each other for a while.
Back to the Air Canada arena and… what? The champion comes out first? There’s a thunderous applause for our heel champ Edge. Jerry states that he has never heard anyone cheer for Edge. JR says that Edge went to a Toronto Bluejays game and Jerry says that no one would go to one of those games unless they were really trying to suck up.
Boos fill the arena, followed by “Cena Sucks!” chants from the crowd. As Cena’s music hits, the boos are cacophonous. He’s the face but he is getting super heat. JR explains the rules: no DQ, match continues until one of them gets to the top of the ladder and retrieves the championship. Lillian Garcia introduces the match. Cena gets heat and fingers from the crowd. Edge gets a hella pop. Jerry equates it to the Stanley Cup, which is a… hockey thing? I do not follow sports.
The bell rings and we’re off…
Tables, Ladders and Chairs match for the WWE Championship/Cena’s contract to SmackDown: John Cena def. Edge (w/ Lita) via pinfall in 26:28.
Cena and Edge circle each other for a while before locking up. Headlock and boos for Cena. John is launched into the ropes, returns with a shoulder barge. He does it once, twice, thrice and the two men run the ropes before Edge slaps him. Ground and pound for a while before Edge hits the swinging neckbreaker. He goes outside, gets a chair and is thwarted by Cena who gets him back into the ring and hits a lovely fisherman suplex on Edge. The crowd is very pro-Edge and it shows. Edge hits a great DDT on Cena and rolls out, getting the ladders off a table, setting up the chairs to face one another. Edge attempts a suplex, reversal, Cena attempts a suplex and hits a reverse DDT instead.
Edge gets the ladder in the ring and climbs up it with such speed that it is obvious he’s not going to win. Cena knocks the ladder over and Edge knocks him down. Edge sets a table up, cracks Cena’s face with the ladder and jumps off the barricade to dropkick the ladder into Cena. JR calls it a “Home Depot dropkick.” In the ring, Edge runs at Cena with the ladder as a battering ram. Cena dodges and hits Edge with a hip toss, throwing him onto a ladder. Cena sees the tables outside the ring and attempts an FU to the tables. Edge counters and lands on the Apron. Cena attempts to launch him off but Edge fights back. Edge rises to the turnbuckle but falls upon it, balls first. Cena slides the table into the ring as JR considers the plural of apparatus: “apparatuses… apparati?”
In the ring, Cena sets the table up in front of Edge and gets ready to superplex him off the top rope. Edge fights back and hits a botched sunset-flip-to-powerbomb by landing on his arse instead of his feet. Crowd audibly exhale disappointedly. Edge and Cena attempt to get the spot back and hit a powerslam through it. It’s okay. Jerry states that the botched spot was purposely done by Cena to avoid injury. Edge hits a second botch as he runs up a ladder leaned against the turnbuckle, catching his foot and just launching himself onto Cena, the ladder slipping away from under his feet.
Edge has a chair I do not think that any attempt with a foreign object in this match has worked… until now. Edge hits Cena with the chair. He then sets Cena’s head on another chair like a little pillow and is about to hit him with another chair when Cena escapes and hits a flip-to-cutter combo. Crowd has the audacity to claim that Cena can’t wrestle, which is a lie. Cena opens a ladder, guillotines Edge’s head between the legs and then applies the STFU to Edge. Edge taps, but it is for naught because this match is no DQ. Cena batters Edge with the ladder and sets up the Three Stooges ladder spot but instead FUs the fucking ladder onto Edge.
What the fuck John Cena.
Cena hits the… is it still called the Killswitch? The spin-out powerbomb. He hits that, anyways and goes for the Five-Knuckle Shuffle, sees the ladder, considers it and finds it wanting. He climbs and launches the Five Knuckle Shuffle off the ladder. Psychopath. He throws a table into the ring, content to beat on Edge rather than win the match. As he sets up the table, Edge grabs a chair with the help of a referee and cracks Cena in the head. He lays him on the table like a lover, returns to below the ring and pulls out another table, by Christ. Off-topic: have they ever run out of tables in a match? Wouldn’t it be interesting if they had an homage to the famous ECW chair spot where the crowd chuck chairs into the ring? Edge sets the table up on the table, over Cena’s body. Edge ascends the turnbuckle and Cena escapes his table cage without disturbing the tables, jumps up and punches Edge off the turnbuckle. JR suspects that Cena was playing Possum.
John brings out the Big Ladder and pops it into the ring. JR questions its height, as is tradition. Cena begins to laboriously ascend the ladder, taking his damn time as Edge climbs up the other ladder and spears Cena off. Good lad yourself. Cena coughs as if his midsection is damaged. He’s a great lad. Edge is up the ladder and Edge jumps. Cena catches him and attempts an FU but Edge grips to the ladder so it is transitioned into a thrown powerbomb into a ladder. Cena gets a chair, batters up and hits Edge with a weak, weak, weak, white, white guilt, milquetoast shot to the head. Disappoint, Cena.
John climbs the ladder at a snail’s pace and he could win… but wait… there are still some tables left! Who will break these t-
Oh, it’s Lita. Lita pops in, lifts the entire ladder (no mean feat) and Cena falls from it, out of the ring, onto a forgotten table. What a great fall. The man could be dead. He’s probably not, but still.
In the ring, Edge is taking his time getting up the ladder. Cena is climbing to his feet and Lita is there to hit Cena with the chair, but, in his haste to hit the mat, Cena accidentally tips Edge’s ladder, launching Edge to the outside where he barely hits a table. That could have gone very badly. JR calls Lita an “evil bitch.” Cena FU’s Lita, a usually heel move if not for the fact that Lita is the worst. John resets the tables and pops out to grab Edge, pauses, says, “What that fuck am I at?” to himself and sets the ladder up, climbs it for the win, gets to the top and Edge climbs up the other side. Two men battle atop a ladder, trading blows beside two stacked chairs and Cena hits Edge with the FU, just tossing him off like a ragdoll, grabs the belt and gets the win in 26:28. It is a bittersweet victory.
Was it a good match? No. There was little psychology and storytelling despite the fact that Cena is one of the best in the business at both. Was it a good TLC match? Of course, there were some great spots, fantastic foreshadowing, sick bumps and minimal injuries and botching.
Edge just lost his first TLC. I have no words.
Good main event, bros. Cena’s victory is one that comes after both men paid hefty prices. Cena doesn’t even celebrate, just runs to his dad and gives him a hug. I like John Cena. He walks out, is sprayed with a drink by some cunt in the front row. Come on to fuck, boys. You’re letting the side down. Some replays of the best spots, all involving drops through tables from ladders. The final spot involved Edge falling right on his arse, legdropping a table, which probably didn’t help his back problems, I tell you what.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: So many decent matches, actually, with Bs across the board, other than the main event TLC match. It is because of this that I give the Man of the Matches as a joint effort to John Cena and Edge for obvious reasons.
Woman of the Matches: It is refreshing to see a decent women’s match as well and with that, in honour of her stellar run, I would be remiss if I did not offer the Woman of the Matches award to Trish Stratus.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Trish Stratus.
Best Spot: Springboard flying jump to RKO combo.
Hatches: Jeff Hardy, The Highlanders.
Matches: Trish Stratus defeated Lita to claim her seventh and final WWE Women’s Championship. John Cena defeated Edge for his third WWE Championship. Johnny Nitro retains the WWE Intercontinental Championship and The Spirit Squad retain the World Tag Team Championship.
Closing Statements: A pleasant Raw event. As the brand split was coming to an end shortly after this PPV (the final Raw PPV would be New Year’s Revolution in January 2007 and the final SmackDown PPV would be No Way Out in February 2007) it is clear that the lads and ladies are seeing PPVs as a time to show off… especially because there is no guarantee that they will be on one in six months.
On the Card will return on October 8th with the SmackDown PPV No Mercy 2006.