Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good old Hardys. Never miss a ladder match. Miss a lot of spots, though.

Cut backstage to Khali cutting a rambling promo on Cena in Punjabi. His translator gives his promo in English. It’s nothing to write home about.

Cut to the ring where Tony Chimel is introducing the Lumberjack Match, where twelve lads stand outside the ring and wait until someone falls out and they push them back in. [REDACTED] Benoit arrives, looking super pissed off that he is not competing. Behind him is Valentine Venis, Santino Marella, Balls Mahoney, Steven Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Thorn, Chris Masters, Johnny Nitro, Chavo Guerrero, Kenny Dykstra mit dead fox and Carlito. There is little craic from them. Stevie Richards jumps on Balls’ back.

Somebody gon’ get they ass kicked! It’s Mark Henry! He’s out, covered in butter or whatever. The announcers sell the fact that Mark Henry is the World’s Strongest Man. This is before Game of Thrones, I suppose.

Big fiery pyro and Kane rocks out, popping into the ring and squaring up to Henry after hitting the turnbuckle pyro.

Lumberjack Match: Mark Henry vs. Kane.

This is the first match of the card that allows pinfall or submission, so you know it’s going to be great. Kane and Henry circle each other and Henry tosses him out. The Lumberjacks scatter, no way are they going near the Devil’s Favourite Demon. Big slow, methodical movement as Henry is tossed out. The Lumberjacks surround him and get tossed away easily. Henry rolls back in and he and Kane beat each other in the corner. Henry rolls out and Kane goes with him. The Lumberjacks are keeping their distance as Henry tosses him into the ringpost. Henry rolls into the ring and the Lumberjacks pick up Kane and allow him to enter. Henry continues to attack Kane’s back with double axe-handle nothings and club-like punches. Kane fights back with his great big punches and Henry retaliates with a powerslam. First pinfall attempt and a fail.

Kane headbutts out man Henry and gets knocked down for his effort. Both men are really selling the fact that they are glass cannons here. Both attacks do lots of damage. The fear is not that either men are impervious, more that regardless of their defence, their attack is brutal. Kane attempts a Rock Bottom but his back is sore. Val Venis is hammering out a tune on the ring, really reacting to everything in the ring. Cunt JBL gives off because he doesn’t like fun. Big rest hold city mid-ring as Mark hugs Kane. Kane falls to the floor and pulls Henry out. Kane goes top-rope, jumps and hits a bowling ball spot as the lads go sprawling everywhere. Chavo and Kenny help Kane back into the ring and two monsters punch each other for a while. Miz and Stevie Richards shout at each other as Kane goes to the top rope again, knocking Mark down, hitting a lovely chokeslam but two lumberjacks jump in before the pin can be applied.

Kane one-hand-chokeslams Kenny and Mark gives Kane another bear hug. Kane is hurt, he’s passing out. The ref is imploring him to quit, but he’s not giving up. The ref stops the match.

The match has finished due to ref stoppage. Mark Henry is the default winner in 9:07.

2017 comments:

Meh. It’s a nice way to get both men over as powerful without it being a stalemate but to end with a bearhug? I mean, come on, guys.

2007 comments:

Do you think that Kane and Henry are considered… bears?

Grade: C.

Not a good bunch of matches so far, if I’m honest. Replays of the match.

Cut to Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin who are complaining about the loss of the match. Shelton and Jeff square off. Punches are thrown. People break it up. It’s a real to-do, I tell you what.

Cut to Bobbo Lasher and McMahon Street Fight promo. Back in Wrasslemania, Vince got his head shaved by Cunt President Donald Trump and Stone Cold. Vince blamed Bobbo and took his ECW championship, which was bound to hurt him badly. Bobby beat a handicap match but Vince refused to give his championship up and so another rematch was called. Vince didn’t actually want one, but Shane protected his father’s ego by accepting. Makes little sense… unless Shane is trying to screw over Vince… again.

Justin Roberts introduces the Street Fight and its lack of disqualifications… which all matches so far have had. AND THEN GOD DAMMIT WWE YOU BRING OUT THE CHAMP FIRST AGAIN.

Vince rocks out with Shane and Umaga. Sure why not? It is his birthday. It is not his birthday. They’re talking about it being a three-on-one handicap match and Umaga being the “Samoan Bulldozer”. I’ve no real fear of that because Umaga has lost his winning streak. He’s pathetic now.

Bobby’s music hits and there is a decent pop for Roidy Lasher. He hits his pyro, covers himself in golden sparks and walks to the ring, hitting hit massive jump and more turnbuckle pyro.

Street Fight for the ECW World Championship: Vince McMahon (c) (with Umaga and Shane McMahon) vs. Bobby Lashley.

Shane and Vince in the ring, Bobby runs to the ropes, does a suicide dive, botches by holding onto the rope and barely grazes Umaha, who sells like death. Shane is hammering on Bobby, who knocks him down and tosses him out onto Umaga. Bobby and Vince are alone and the crowd goes wild as he rains punches on Vince. Shane rocks in, is tossed out, Umaga comes in and takes over for a second, but is thrown into a corner. Shane comes in with a chair, Lashley gets rid of him, tosses the chair and is about to hit Vince with a Dominator when Shane and Umaga take over, hitting Lasher with a DDT on the chair.

It’s three on one now and the first few minutes are forgotten as the pace slows, the men beat up Bobbo and he attempts to build up some babyface fire. Double team Irish whip into Vince, who kicks him in the balls. The announcers make it clear that something might happen on the table by moving back and saying, “uh oh!” Vince takes… a hammer? Something from a dude by the side of the ring. It’s a bell hammer, apparently. He doesn’t hit Lasher with it, just chokes him with it. Vince then chokes Lasher with a wire. We are halfway through the match here, not one pin attempt, neither announcer is making that a big deal. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop and a pin attempt is finally made but fails.

Vince hits a sad, sad spear on Lasher but gets nothing from the pinfall. Why he doesn’t get Umaga and Shane to hold Bobbo down during a pin is beyond me. Crowd is dead. Bobbo is held down by the McMahons and Umaga goes for the splash. Bobbo, at the last second, does a sit-up, Vince gets squashed and it’s time to go home. Both Shane and Umaga are tossed out. Bobbo gets the chair, cracks Vince with it and hammers on his back for a while. The announcers say that this is legal and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Bobbo hits the Dominator, goes for the three but Umaga drags him out before he can get the pin.

Outside, Bobbo gets a chair after beating Umaga, but is knocked down. Umaga jumps to the floor from the apron and the announcer’s table is finally destroyed. Lashley is draped over the table, Shane goes to the corner and hits a lovely elbow that elicts, “Holy shit!” chants from the crowd. Bobby is thrown into the ring and a pin attempt is made and failed. Umaga rocks in to beat on Lasher in the corner. He rears back to hit the Rikishi arse-bump in the corner and Shane takes over with a trashcan, hoping to hit a Coast-to-Coast. No selling there from the younger McMahon. Bobby rolls out of the way at the last second, Umaga gets hit with the trashcan and Bobby gets his revenge with a spear once to Shane and then to Vince for the pin.

Bobby Lashley has pinned Vince McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 12:23.

2017 comments:

A nice wee revenge match for the Lasher. Not amazing, but plays to the strengths of each other competitors and makes Lasher look really strong.

2007 comments:

I never get sick of seeing the McMahons lose.

Grade: B.

Lashley spears Vince again in the middle of his music. Replays shown and Bobbo goes to the back with his belt.

Cut to Maria and Santino chatting in Italian. They get interrupted by Todd who reminds Maria that Candice Michelle and Melina are having a pudding match. Maria spouts gibberish for a while. She doesn’t answer the question. Candice Michelle turns up and hits her three lines. She asks for a kiss for good luck and Maria gives her one. Santino says he loves America and Ron Simmons says, “Damn”. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Cut to the “pudding”, which seems to be filmed from a hoody.

Candice Michelle comes out and some very embarrassed fans hold up some very sad signs.

Melina’s music hits and out she comes. Both women are in bikinis. Melina even has goggles. JR tries to shill the next PPV. Both women stand awkwardly. This is going to be a long segment.

Pudding Match: Candice Michelle vs. Melina.

Of course, this match is not for the Women’s Championship, which makes it a waste of goddamn time even more than it was before I knew the title wasn’t on the line. Candice puts one foot in the pudding, grabs Melina and tosses her in. The women rock in the pudding for a while, slide out and get told to get back in. Candice slips. Sexy pin on the outside. JR and Jerry wonder about the rules of the pudding match. Double axe-handle nothing. The guys are finding it hard to realise who is who. The crowd chant for, “Boring.” There’s a DDT into the pudding. Jerry puts the sexiness of the women over. Candice drowns Melina and she taps out, well, slaps the pudding.

Melina has tapped out or suffered drowning in the pudding. Candice Michelle wins in 2:55.

2017 comments:

I would normally complain about this because women’s wrestling etc. but this match doesn’t pretend to be anything more than nonsense, so, in way, it’s the most successful match on the card.

2007 comments:

I wonder is it pudding.

Grade: Nooooope.

Maria turns up. Let’s see what happens.

She congratulates Candice on her win, Melina tosses pudding and Maria dives in. Then the ref is dragged in. Melina escapes and someone’s music plays as the faces hug.

On the Card will return on June 17 2017 with the third and final part of One Night Stand 2007.

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Ruthless Aggression #18. Judgment Day (May 20, 2007) Part 1

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #18 Judgement Day – May 19, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on May 19, 2007, Judgement Day 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February and was spelled “Judgment” without an E, though my MS Word will continue to autocorrect it to “Judgement” because I am living in Scotland and we do not believe in superfluous letters here. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Judgement Day 2007

Still no tagline but by Christ, what a poster. Kane, standing on a stairway, surrounded by flames while hands – some skeletal, some still clinging onto flesh – reach up from the fire to grab at him. He also looks super ripped. Great. What I love about these covers is that they have that Wolverine Publicity trope where they fire on wrestlers onto the covers despite them not being that important to the actual PPV. Case in point: Kane does not actually appear in this PPV… unless you were there for the actual live show. Then you would see him… in the dark match at the beginning versus William Regal. Yeah.

Once again, this PPV is attempting to make Khali (a non-wrestler who hasn’t been in the ring in months) look like a credible threat. The promo package begins with him, moves into the Edge vs. Batista, rematch of Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga, Vince and Shane followed by Khali hitting people. He hits all the people and they all take the hits until Jjjjjjjjahn Cena fights back because he’s tip-top.

Then there’s some bad space CGI for some reason. WWE is in space? Is the Day of Judgement about a meteor? It don’t matter none because the farty pyro tells us that we are live in the Scottrade Centre in St. Louis, Missouri, home of Randal Keith Orton and 10,500 other lads who turned up to see this PPV happen. There are 242,000 people watching in at home, a huge dip from the 252,000 the year before (funnily enough, we would see the same number for Judgement Day 2008) but a big rise from the 194,000 that tuned in for Backlash a month ago. It should have been called Backlashley. Oh well, you live and learn.

Our announcers are Jumpin’ Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Joey Styles, Tazz, Maggle Cole and Cunt JBL, who has a face on him like he just ate some shite.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Kane and William Regal. What? Why? Once again, the depth of your roster, boys, fair play.)

Big “Wooo!” as our boy Ric Flair rocks down to the ring with his face all leathered and haggard. Ric Flair is in your curtain jerker. By Christ, it’s an odd time when the only two-time Hall of Famer in WWE history, the sixteen-time champion, is on first. I suppose he needs his sleep.

Then Carlito appears and rocks in and throws his apple at Flair. And almost hits him. Jim Ross tuts at this, saying, “This just shows Carlito’s total lack of disrespect.”

Singles match: Ric Flair vs. Carlito.

I’ve changed up the titles of the matches. Putting champion first or in order of appearance.

Big chops in the corner from Flair and has him on the ropes. Lovely Irish Whip countered into a Sunset flip but Naitch drops to his knees, denying an Aloha Arn and beats on the Carribean. Big chops and Carlito rocks out of the ring. Flair goes to the corner to hit Carlito on the apron but Carlito escapes, the rascal. Carlito attacks Flair’s arm and hand. Ross points out that Flair’s right arm is stronger than his left. Carlito grounds Flair with a hammerlock.

JR and King talk about Flair taking lads underneath his wing to teach them about the game and how Carlito squandered that opportunity. In the corner, Naitch whips at Carlito but he escapes. More attacks on Flair’s left arm on the apron. Big toss into the turnbuckle and Flair is hurt. Pin attempt but there is barely a one. Crowd chant “Let’s go, Flair!” but Flair does not go whatsoever. Carlito wraps Flair’s arm around the turnbuckle twice followed by a lovely missile dropkick. Another cover, another kickout. Sign in the crowd: Umaga ate my homework.

Flair fights back, gives Carlito a slap or two but the younger man takes over again and hits another dropkick and another failed pin. Crowd – specifically someone behind the announcers – roar “Nature boy!” over and over. It’s very loud. Jerry talks about Torrie Wilson, for some reason. He brings it back to the match by saying that Carlito did not want to be distracted by either Wilson or Flair but then follows it up with, “Torrie can distract me any time!” Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

Big claps from the crowd as Flair gets out of an armbar and takes over, hitting a lovely arm drag but is knocked back by Carlito. Armbar city over here. Flair gets to his feet and is in a great amount of pain, but is able to toss Carlito with an armbar again. Another dropkick, another pin attempt but JR points out that the first pins were one-counts, this was a two-count and “one more count bears a beaten man.” Christ, JR, you’re just the best.

Big chops from Flair and Carlito is on the floor. It’s a slobberknocker, an official slobberknocker. Flair takes a back-body drop. JR bigs up Flair’s chops, saying that he would rather take any move than a single Flair chop. Big words. Armbar city again here. Some stomps and more armbars wherein Flair almost gets pinned. Carlito roars something, which Jerry understands. JR: “You speak Spanish now?” Jerry: “Profanely. And profoundly.”

Flair hits back with some big right-hands and a shitty snapmare. Flair has Carlito on the ropes, no-sells a punch, chops Carlito to the ground, gives him a back-body drop and goes for Carlito’s leg. Carlito hits a thumb right to Flair’s eyes, attempts a backstabber, fails and the crowd goes wild as Flair works the legs of Carlito before hitting the Figure Four leglock, getting the tap-out victory.

Ric Flair has submitted Carlito to win the match in 15:34.

2017 comments:

Good opener, I suppose, nice to see Flair once again, though at fifteen minutes, it overstayed its welcome by about five minutes.

2007 comments:

Is Ric Flair ever going to retire?

Grade: B.

Ric is done. Absolutely wrecked. Sign Guy in the crowd has a massive sign that he puts over his head saying, “Beat That Hairball!” He has another, which is a picture of a man’s lower body, which he constantly low-blows with the caption, “Ric Flair Training.”

Cut to Shawn Michaels backstage with Todd as they show footage of Shawn beating Edge on RAW. But then Randy came out, punt-kicked Shawn, stood over him and had his face on. Shawn calls Todd by his full name, Todd Grisham, and just as Shawn is about to speak, Randy comes in and tosses him into the background. Shawn needs help.

Cut to a promo for the Bobbo Lasher match versus Shane, Vince and Umaga, showing how Vince stole the belt by letting the others beat up Lasher and pinning him to win the ECW championship. Lasher gets his rematch at Judgment day, but it will once again be a handicap match. Lasher is not allowed to touch Shane, Vince or Umaga unless physically provoked… so he beats on Jonathan Coachman instead. Both Umaga and Shane provoke him, so they get a paddlin’.

Back in the ring, here comes the money! Dollah dollah! Shane O Mac comes to the ring, jogging like the jobber he is. Sign Guy has “ECW: Extremely un-Cool White guy” sign with a picture of Vince all up on it. Umaga comes does next, roaring and pulling at the rope. Vince comes down next, having a big swagger all on him as he rocks to the ring. Once again, the champ comes to the ring before the challenger. That’s nonsense.

Big “Bobby!” chant rises as his music hits and Lasher comes to the ring, roided up and standing in his own pyro. Lasher is angry. He jumps to the apron, big pyro hits.

Handicap match for the ECW World Championship: Mr. McMahon (c), Shane McMahon and Umaga vs. Bobby Lashley.

The bell goes and Lasher runs for Umaga, knocking him out of the ring. He punches Shane, beats on Vince and Shane gets tossed around like a ragdoll. Umaga tries to get to the apron but is knocked off. Bobby goes for Vince but Shane Pearl Harbours him. Lovely overhead suplex and Umaga is in , running at Bobby but Lasher moves out of the way, hits the spear, pins Shane and wins the championship.

Bobby Lashely has pinned Shane McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 1:13.

2017 comments:

Thanks for the waste of ten minutes worth of promos and entrances for barely a minute of “wrestling”.

2007 comments:

I blinked. What happened?

Grade: F.

Tazz tells us that Bobby has exploded all over the McMahons. And the WWE just exploded all over paying customers.

Vince is ticked off. He walks from the ring, away from his son and Umaga. He slowly walks towards the ring but Umaga Pearl Harbours Lasher and gets his heat back with a Samoan Spike. Vince takes the ECW belt back, walks up the steps into the ring with a mic, congratulates Bobby but says that he did not win the belt as Bobby did not pin Vince. The crowd boos, the announcers shit on it and the heels leave with the belt. Devils.

Tazz calls him “ingenious”. What?

Recap of the match, almost in its entirety due to its brevity.

Backstage, a bowtie doctor is telling Shawn that he can’t wrassle. That’s it.

Back in the arena, CM Punk pre-Cult of Personality music hits and he comes to the ring, all wrapped up in bandages. He shouts, “It’s clobbering time!” to the crowd, because he is actually The Thing.

Elijah Burke rocks out, towel in hand, ready for the match to dab his sweating brow.

Singles Match: CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke.

Punk has his ribs taped. The crowd bay for him and Tazz checks it, like an idiot. The pair circle each other and lock up. Punk gets caught in a waistlock and kicks Burke away. Punk would later say that Burke is his least favourite opponent ever and would describe him as, “Absolutely the worst.” Let’s see how this plays out.

Punk gets Burke in a headlock and gets a punch to the rib for his effort. Joey says that Punk is giving “leg-kicks”, which he means as kicks to the leg rather than kicks with the leg. Punk in the corner with a rib shot and punch to the face that topples him. Punk gives him a lovely receipt to the back. Body slam and pin attempt. Neither men are wrestlers, more of a case of being strikers or, as the kids are want to say these days, strong-style specialists. Punk lands a lovely bodyslam and hits an exploder suplex that gets only a two-count.

The suplex is the first real wrestling move so far, followed by a lovely delayed vertical suplex where punk holds Burke aloft for about ten seconds. Very impressive. Burke fights back out of a chinlock and must be held back by the ref before he hurts Punky Magoo. Not very Extreme, is it, ECW? Punk hits a crossbody but fails to get the pin. The rascal.

Burke hammers Punk in the corner until the Chick Magnet gets a knee up. This is followed by a pathetic toss over the top rope. Shame upon the pair of you. Great shame. Punk slides underneath the rope, hits what Tazz calls a “sunset flip” even though no flips were involved at all. More of a sunset slide. Lovely headlock followed by hip toss reversals into a fireman’s carry and dropkick to send Burke to the outside. He looks about centre ring and hits a lovely suicide dive between the top and middle ropes. Great lad. Fair play. Pin attempt. Fail.

This is a lovely match so far. I can’t see why Punk would hate wrasslin’ Burke unless Punk is carrying him, which seems unlikely. Likely, Punk is just a bollocks. Burke reverses Punk’s moonsault attempt and beats on the ribs, holding Punk on the top rope and delivering a kick that could shatter bones right into Punk’s chest. Lovely leg scissors to Punk’s chest and Burke has his where he wants him. Punk fights back but gets a suplex followed by a backdrop and pin attempt. Something is happening offscreen and the crowd are chanting for JBL. He’s probably being a cunt and distracting them from the match.

More leg scissors from our boys and CM Punk escapes, beats on Burke, hits a lovely Irish whip, bit of a botch as both men kick. Cradle suplex into small package. Burke goes top rope, Punk hits him, gets ready for the superplex and hits it. My only complaint is that there are no flashbulbs anymore as phones nowadays have no need for flashes. Both men are up before the ten count and Punk hits a lovely clothesline followed by a baseball slide and enziguri onto Burke, going for the pin and Burke kicks out. Brilliant. Great match.

Bulldog attempt but Burke fights out. Burke tries the Elijah Express, misses, Punk attempts the GTS, fails, Burke hits the Elijah Experience but fails to get the pin. Burke pops punk up onto the turnbuckle and hits the Express. Punk falls into the tree of woe, but is released by the ref. Pin attempt and Punk escapes with a hand on the bottom rope, rolls away from the Elijah Experience and hits the GTS. Great match. Great pin.

CM Punk has pinned Elijah Burke to win the match in 16:50.

2017 comments:

Punk is one of those wrestlers who is beloved by fans despite being above average but being consistently above average in my estimation. This match reminds me why he’s one of the best in the business.

2007 comments:

This young whippersnapper CM Punk is going to be dead by the time he’s forty if he keeps up this caper.

Grade: A.

Hard to see why Punk would hate working with Burke as both men were complicit in a pretty great match. We see some lovely reversals of the two men kicking seven shades of shite out of one another as Punk ascends the ramp to the heavens.

On the Card will return on May 27 2017 with the second and final part of Judgment Day 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #17. Backlash (April 29, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Brilliant women’s match. Fair play to the pair of them.

Backstage, another lovely-but-dopey woman (Maria) is introducing Edge. He makes fun of her chipper attitude. Edge is happy that he is the least-tired of the four competitors tonight. He mimes it. It’s great. Maria pulls paper from between her tits. Upon it is the immortal question: How did Edge win his first WWE title? He tells her that everyone knows the answer. He became Mr. Money in the Bank. He had John Cena beaten. Edge cashed in, speared Cena and won. Edge wonders aloud who would ask such a question. Maria points behind Edge. It’s Miiisssstaaaaaaaaah Kennnnneedy. Kennedy. He repeats what Edge says back to him and pats his briefcase. Thinly veiled threat there.

Back in the arena, it’s motherfucking Montel Vontavious Porter! Big fan now. I hated him but then I liked him again. It’s the WWE US Championship match and for the first time this night, the champ is entering last. About damn time.

[REDACTED] Benoit rocks out. Big pop for him, but very little charisma from the man himself. Roidy Magoo barrel-chest on him.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter.

MVP has had nothing but good matches this past while and Benoit is Benoit. Interesting to note that all matches this evening are title matches, but that isn’t advertised by any of the announcers. You’d think they’d love to point that out.

Cunt JBL says, “You’d better call the Atlanta PD… because these two men are going to steal the show.” Great line, but both men do little in the opening minutes to show that. They grapple, push each other around, flirt with tests of strength and finally some quick takedowns before a drop-toe-hold moves into Crippler Crossface. Announcers reference that MVP walked away from a match with Benoit earlier that month. Lots of rest holds, sadly, and both men can do better. Lovely flip into a pin and Benoit hits the bridge before getting a backdrop. Benoit gets MVP into the sharpshooter and drags himself to the corner before Benoit finally releases him. Benoit hits the turnbuckle chest first and MVP floor him with a kick to the back of the head. More rest holds. Very boring match from these two men.

During this long, long, long rest hold, Cole mentions Benoit’s surgically repaired neck. MVP misses the big boot but hits a lovely overhead suplex and MVP gives off that the ref didn’t count quickly enough. More rest holds and this is getting very, very old. MVP batters Benoit down when he gets to his feet and the Canuck fights back with chops to the chest before ducking a punch and getting tin triple German suplexes. He runs the thumb over his throat and goes to jump… but is caught by MVP. MVP gets the feet on the rope during a pin. Two pins and MVP still can’t score a win. Lovely neckbreaker but still no pin. MVP sets up the suplex but Benoit retaliates and gets the crossface. MVP gets to the ropes and boots back on our boy Benoit. Lovely snapmare and another rest hold. Benoit is bleeding from his mouth.

MVP cheekily gets some leverage on the ropes and the ref sees him. Still in control, MVP attempts another pin after a big boot. Benoit ducks the boot and hits the quintuple Germans, heads to the top rope and dopey MVP is in the wrong position to get his knees up so has to move quickly so that Benoit can miss. MVP gets Benoit in a one-legged Boston Crab and the crowd are on their feet. Benoit gets the rope. MVP hits a lovely delayed vertical suplex but Benoit kicks out, attempts the corssface, is countered and Benoit gets the roll-up for the win.

[REDACTED] Benoit has pinned MVP to retain the United States title in 9:02.

2017 comments:

Good match, but not the best from these two men.

2007 comments:

Big Botchy Magoo there at the end.

Grade: B.

Sadly, JBL calls Benoit a Hall-of-Famer. Ouch.

Backstage, Todd chats to Jaaaaaahn Cena! But then Randy Orton appears. Both men are due to be in the ring later on this evening for their millionth or so match. Orton says that he and Cena have a lot of similarities: they are young, handsome and talented. HBK and Edge are not. How about they gang up on the old-timers and then see who the real men are. John asks if Orton really thinks Cena is handsome and if he wants to “get together” and “take it lying down”. Cena says it’s not his thing. Randy replies with, “You’ll be in the ring, tonight, with me on top!” Then Ron Simmons appears and says “Damn.”

Back in the arena, Tazz and Joey chat as a weird cover of Green Day’s “Longview” plays. Promo for the lead-up to the next match. Bobby Lashley beat Umaga and Cunt President, Bobbo Lasher and Stone Cold shaved his head. Shane decides to beat the Lasher and apparently it is a close match until the heels arrive and beat on Lashley, hitting him with big old chair shots. Vince makes the match: Vince and Shane and Umaga versus Bobby Lashley for the ECW World Championship.

Here comes the money! Old Shane O-Mac comes out, happy as Larry. What a guy.

Umaga comes out next without Armando Alejandro Estrada, who was thrown to the floor on ECW the past week. Umaga hits the steel ring steps before walking up them. Good man.

No Chance! Old Do-Ragged Vince comes out. A crowd member asks Vince to take off the hat. Another asks, “Got hair?” Vince seems to be wearing black jeans. Both McMahons use the “break” motion.

Big silence before Bobbo Lasher’s music hit. He gets a substantial pop, but this might be piped in. Farty pyro goes off, spraying Bobby in golden sparks. He does his Brock jump and the ring pyro hits. Lovely image of all three of Team McMahon against Team Bobbo. Vince and Umaga actually leave the ring to stand by the side! Fair play.

ECW World Championship match: Bobby Lashely (c) vs. Umaga, Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon.

Bobby instantly lifts up Shane, slams him down and batters him in the corner. Shane is ragdolling and pantomiming. Bobby has a wee chat with him, Irish whips him and hits the spinebuster before throwing him out. Vince threatens to come in and when Shane rocks into the ring, he tags in Umaga. Boos from the crowd. Umaga is thrown into the corner and battered by our boy Bobbo. Umaga batters on Bobby and the announcers tell us that Umaga only has two blemishes on his record – both caused by Bobby, once at WrassleMania and another in Italy. Bobby throws Umaga out, tosses Shane over the rope and leaves only Vince on the apron. Slowly, Vince attempts to go in, but gives just enough time for Umaga to be thrown off the apron and Shane to have a lovely delayed suplex. Umaga rocks in and Bobby hits a drop-toe-hold, dropping Umaga into Shane. Bobby runs the ropes and Shane pulls the top one down, throwing Lashley outside.

Umaga throws Bobby into the ring steps. Umaga hits the big leg drop and rakes Bobby’s back loads. Shane is tagged in and lays the boots onto Bobby before hitting the armbar. Lovely armbar-headscissors. Bobby powers through and tries to lift Shane up but falls back down. Lasher finally lifts Shane up, slams him down and attempts the pin but it is broken by Umaga. Umaga tags in and gives a big headbutt to Lasher. Lashley fights back after a looooong rest hold and he gets a knee to the back from Shane and a Samoan Drop from Umaga. Shane is once again tagged in – Vince hasn’t been in yet. Shane goes back to the elbows and knees to a prone Bobby before hitting what appears to be a Camel Clutch, break back, make humble.

Shane fights back from Bobby’s attempt to escape by dropping the old arse on him and hitting the Camel Clutch again. Bobby fights back again and Bobby rams him into the turnbuckle before hitting a T-bone suplex followed by clotheslines and shoulder barges and a back-body drop. He gives Shane the torture rack backbreaker and goes for the pin. As Umaga pops in, Lasher hits the spear and the Dominator before Vince comes in to break the pin. The crowd pop as the two men square off in the middle of the ring. Bobby lifts Vince for the Dominator but Shane grabs his leg and Umaga throws him down. The ref shouts at the illegal men and Shane hits Bobby with the ECW belt. Vince goes to pin Bobby and only gets a two! Bobby does the roll-up and Shane jumps in to break the pin! Umaga is tagged in, hits the flying headbutt and Vince tags in for another pin. Bobby kicks out and Vince, furious, tags Umaga in. A second splash and once again, Vince pops in, gets the pin and wins this time.

Mr. McMahon has pinned Bobby Lashley to win the ECW World Championship in 15:45.

2017 comments:

A better match at half the time. Otherwise, a great big “fuck you” to ECW fans.

2007 comments:

Jesus, that went on forever.

Grade: C.

A real shame. Vince can’t seem to tag people in either. Umaga, Vince and Shane all shake hands. Shane attempts to hug Umaga and gets pushed back. Announcers feign shock. The real shock is how this match was so damned long. Who booked this and thought that a fifteen minute match would be a good idea? There were no spots here, there were no exciting parts, no big pops. The whole thing was just a giant, “fuck away off with your ECW” to everyone.

On the Card will return on May 13 2017 with the third and final part of Backlash 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #7. Unforgiven (Sept 17, 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Decent matches so far. This is getting ready to be one of the best PPVs I’ve watched on this blog.

Cut to the match promo showing DX returning and embarrassing Vince McMahon like a bunch of children. Vince retaliates with ECW champ Big Show attacking DX and McMahon himself beating on DX, making them bloody in the process. Vince calls for Hell in the Cell and shows how bloody it can get. DX’s gloves come off. No more silly games. No more stupid gosh-for-darn pranks, this is the DX we want, the ones who are ruthless, dangerous and chop their crotches instead of spouting catchphrases. Fuck yeah.

Back in the arena and the Hell in the Cell is being lowered to the ring. The new version is twenty feet higher, apparently. Lots of stats.

Here comes the money! Shane O Mac comes down for his first Hell in the Cell, ten years before his great match against Undertaker at WrestleMania 32.

Big Show comes down next, taking his damn time because the man doesn’t want to overwork that heart of his. He really is a great big tall man. I love Big Show. He seems like a great guy to know.

It’s no chance! I love Vince’s theme tune. I really do. I hate Vince’s strut, though, that one that looks like he’s just taken a jaggy shite. JR tells us that this is the first Hell in the Cell at Unforgiven and the first one that is a handicap match. JR rhymes off the list of injuries that Hell in the Cell has committed including a cameraman injured in the first one (Badd Blood 1997) and Irish Referee Tim White’s refereeing career ended in 2002. He then rhymes off injuries caused to wrestlers, most to Mick Foley and most to that Hell in the Cell match at King of the Ring 1998.

Big pause before DX asks if we are ready and gives us seizures with their bloody intro package. Trips and Michaels are introduced as “The Game, Triple H and the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels.” Shawn was in the first Hell in the Cell, the one where Kane appeared and ripped the side of the cell open. Vince is going mental and dying to get at DX but Big Show holds him back and jaws off to DX. Just before the bell rings, Michaels and Trips kick Big Show right in the balls. Good lads. He falls, knees buckled, looking like a parody of himself.

Handicap Hell in a Cell match: D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) def. Team McMahon (Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon and The Big Show) via pinfall in 25:04.

DX wail on the McMahons. Hell in the Cell and Steel Cage matches are difficult to watch due to the amount of metal in the way of the screen. Shane gets beat on the worst and is thrown out of the ring, closely followed by his father. Big Show is standing and we get stereo low blows from behind. JR quips, “There may be some swelling… I’ll never know if that’s the case.” Aye, right, JR. You’ll be in there with your wee glasses going, “Show us it, Paul. Christ, look at that. Is that… it’s like leopard print, isn’t it?”

Michaels and Trips beat on their McMahon separately. Shawn hammers on Shane on the apron and pulls on the rope, catapulting Shane into the cage side. Shane has slid beneath the ring bladed at some point and is badly bust on the floor so Shawn rubs his head against the side like a cheese grater. This is standard Hell in the Cell fare. Vince has bladed as well. And Trips pops him in the forehead before rubbing his head against the side, too. Jerry asks, “It doesn’t have to be like this, does it JR?” and JR replies, “Damn right it does! It’s Hell in a Cell!”

Big Show is away somewhere and Shane is thrown against the side of the ring. Trips has… a fucking screwdriver? And he is driving it into McMahon’s wound. JR says, “There are no rules… only victims.” In the ring, Show is up and Trips bodyslams Vince. Trips is knocked down by Show and he catches Shawn mid-air. Big Show has been out for about five minutes since his nut-shot and is now up and clearing house. He punches Trips and once again, Shawn is caught by Show mid-air. Trips is up and both DX men fling Show into the steel steps. “Steel has no conscience… much like a McMahon.”

Shawn beats on Shane as Trips crotch chops and knees Vince in the head. Show is back in the match and hitting lads. Shane knocks Shawn out of the ring, over the ropes, and what a shot it is. Shane takes the time to attack Trips. It is, much like previous DX matches, uneventful and forgettable so far. All of these men are just stepping through the spots. There is little story here. Trips is hit with a chokeslam and Team McMahon don’t even bother to pin him, opting to attack Michaels by standing near the edge of the Cell and lifting Michaels into a powerbomb position so his face cracks off the Cell side. In the ring, Shane is beating on Trips. Michaels has bladed now. We’re three for five in blades. Tenner says Trips will but Show won’t. Tenner. I’m good for it.

Shane goes below the ring to get a trashcan and sets Trips up in the corner to hit a Coast-to-Coast. What a move. He crotch chops before hitting it and Trips’ ear is legit cut. Michaels is bleeding heavily at this point and, although Trips did not blade, four of the five men in the match are bleeding. Show is not. Shane sets up an elaborate steel steps situation where Shane can catapult Trips into the corner. Trips seems to have bladed for real, actually, and is not covered in blood. Christ of Almighty.

Vince calls for Show to hit Michaels with a Vader Bomb. Vince goes to pin Shawn but pulls him up before the ref hits three, asking Show to hit the backbreaker on Shawn before hitting him with a leg drop. Once again, Vince pins him but lifts his head before the three can be hit. Trips comes in and clears house, knocking Show out of the ring, beating on Vince and is about to hit the Pedigree when Shane lifts him and carries Trips about like he’s about to drop the Olympic Slam on him. When he finally does drop him, Trips has countered it into a reverse-RKO-style attack that JR calls a “Superstar Billy Graham-style backbreaker.” Fair play.

Michaels is up, attempts Sweet Chin Music but Shane catches his foot and Shawn hits the enziguri. Vince knocks Shawn to the ground and removes his trousers to get Shawn into the Kiss-My-Ass club. As Vince is being a pervert, Trips is in front of him, knocks him to the ground with a punch and is floored himself by Show. On the floor, Vince does his trousers up. Decency above all else. Vince goes to pin Vince but asks Show to splash Michaels first but Michaels pulls Vince into the path of Show. Distraught, Show retreats to the corner for a wee cry and has his testicles crushed once more by DX. I sense a theme here around the nether regions and I sense it is about to get far worse.

Shawn knocks Shane out of the way, attempts a kip-up, fails and attempts it again. Atmoic Drop followed by Spinebuster and Trips pops outside to get a steel chair for Shane. He sets the chair around Shane’s neck and Shawn hits a very gentle elbow drop on him. Shane begins to spit up blood! I could not find anywhere on the internet to confirm that Shane used a blood capsule, but the consensus is that he’s seen biting on one when rolling around after the elbow drop.

Big Show comes in and Jerry points out that Show isn’t bleeding. Show brings in the steel steps, has a wee roar to himself and lifts the steps over his head like an idiot. Trips smacks him in the tummy with the chair and Shawn busts him with a Sweet Chin Music. Show is over the ropes with his arse in the air and as Vince gets to his feet (after fresh blading) and faces DX, he winces, knowing what is coming next. DX expose Big Show’s arse, pulling down his singlet to expose it. Vince is less than impressed. JR says, “Billionaire buttplug!” and Vince’s head is shoved up Show’s arse. Great, great stuff. Ten out of ten, lads. You may all retire now; you’re not beating this by a long shot.

Show unceremoniously tumbles out of the ring and Trips gets the sledgehammer, throwing up the X sign as Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music and Vince falls to his knees as Trips cracks him in the back of the neck with the sledge! Luckily, he connects on a weak part of the wood and the head spirals off somewhere (hopefully a rubber head as well) and Trips gets the pin in 25:04.

2016 comments:

Ugh. Spotfest. No story. Garbage wrestling.

2006 comments:

Oh man, I love blood!

Grade: B

My tastes have obviously become refined because ten years ago, I would have called that shit Match of the Year.

The crowd rejoice as DX beat Team McMahon. Blood is everywhere. It is gruesome. We had two arses, numerous lacerations, at least four bladings, maybe more, two kayfabe neck injuries, one broken sledgehammer and no story. Replays of the worst spots of the match and the best. The ending was good. I’ll give them that. Shawn touches Trip’s bum as they leave.

Cut to a promo about Trish Stratus having her last match with the Fed. She decided to leave due to her mounting injuries and the fact that her mother was diagnosed with cancer. The promo is quite sweet and completely forgets the fact that she started off as a heel piece of ass for Test and Albert. There’s a fake drama about real drama as Lita “leaked” Trish’s retirement plans. We also see a gruesome suicide dive from Lita where she damn near kills herself. Trish and Lita are legit friends (Trish inducted Lita into the Hall of Fame) and it’s nice to see them square off in Trish’s last match. Lita is heeling it up loads. Great woman. Also, Trish has a hella Canuck accent.

Cut to the ring and Lita enters to her awful theme to no pop. As is tradition, the champ comes out first because Trish is leaving. JR takes the time to tell us the next PPV, No Mercy, October 8th.

The crowd bay for Trish and when the laugh hits, they pop. Great hometown pop. She gets lots of cheers and is due to win her seventh title.

WWE Women’s Championship match: Trish Stratus def. Lita (c) via submission in 11:34.

Big “Thank you, Trish!” cheer rises as Trish and Lita circle before locking up. Lita gives her a big slap, Irish whip to the corner and gets a clothesline for her effort. Trish stands on her hands, gets Lita’s head between her ankles and finally hurricanranas her after a while. Good job. Lita rolls to the outside and Trish attempts to get at her, finally jumping from the apron to Lita, slipping about on the mat where it has been mopped of blood after the Hell in the Cell. She hits Lita with the handstand-hurricanrana job and the pair roll into the ring.

In the ring, the pace slows down with simple strikes, wait time and rest holds. Trish’s tights are in danger of falling very low on her. Trish takes over when she beats on Lita in the corner and gets Flair Woos for Flair Chops. Lita goes to top rope and Trish once again hits the MaTrish Revolutions (that handstand headscissors takedown whose name I have been avoiding since it is silly and reminds me of disappointment) but the two grapple on the top rope before falling disappointedly out of the ring, landing awkwardly.

The ref starts the countout and the two girls scramble for the top rope with Lita pulling Trish off, goes for the moonsault – a scary moment for me as I worried about the wet boots from the mop water outside – but misses as Trish rolls out of the way. Trish goes for the pin but gets only two. Trish goes for the Stratusfaction but throws Trish out of the ring. That’s three ring-outs in twice as many minutes. Back in the ring, Lita goes for the pin and some cunt wolf whistles. Classy, boys. Classy as fuck.

Lita kicks on our girl Trish and JR has difficulty selling this break in the action so talks about the injuries sustained during the Hell in the Cell. To be fair, the last time Trish was in the ring, she damn near broke her arm, so there might be an injury here too. Lita taunts Trish and, with the greatest betrayal that only a Canuck can muster, she pops Lita right in the jaw and they roll about for a bit. Another pin attempt and another kick-out. JR sells the infamous “energy loss” from kicking out of a pin. If it is so hard to kick out, why aren’t matches just pinning combos?

Trish fights back, gets Lita in a neckbreaker and the ref starts a countout. JR thanks the armed forces (thank you for your service) and Trish finally hits Lita with a top-rope MaTrish Revolutions followed by a superkick that fails to get the three count. Lita goes for Twist of Fate, Trish reverses it into a Stratusfaction (springboard bulldog), Lita blocks it, Trish sunset flips her, Lita Aloha Arns before Trish gets the legs up to pin Lita and almost gets the pin before turning it into a Sharpshooter! Lita drags her sorry carcass to the ropes but Trish pulls her away and Lita taps out in 11:34.

2016 comments:

Is it the best women’s match ever? No, of course not, we have Melina vs. Alicia Fox to thank for that little classic. Is it the best women’s match so far? Undoubtedly. It was a better match for what it was – after the semi-main-event of Hell in the Hell, being the token women’s match of the card and having a returning and then leaving Diva – and it wasn’t as good as it could have been – both Lita and Trish are far better competitors than what we saw out there today… but as a final match for a woman in 2006, it was wonderful. Ten-plus minutes of tight, well-engineered wrestling with minimal rest holds, nice transitions and Lita taking the brunt of the beating as Trish goes out in her home town with style. Well done.

2006 comments:

Can women wrestle? Why don’t they wrestle more often?

Grade: B

Trish has a wee cry in the centre of the ring. God bless you, Trish., you’re a great woman. Thing is, though, we know that she is leaving the Fed. Lillian Garcia is having a wee cry, too and Jerry has shut the fuck up and just let JR kick ass as the only commentator.

On the Card will return on October 1st with the third and final part of Unforgiven 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #6: SummerSlam (August 20, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Cunt Hogan and Cunt Flair…

Cut to Vince and Shane with Armando Alejandro Estrada, who assures the McMahons that they can count on Umaga, who is their enforcer for their match versus D-X,

Cut to the ring and King Booker’s theme hits, that annoying one with one three notes that wasn’t supposed to play for more than ten seconds that he plays for hours as he walks to the ring and celebrates after. Sharmell is on the mic, reminding us to hail King Booker, which we do, and with great gusto. Booker is brilliant as he wakes to his adoring crowd, nodding and thanking them. Some actually hail him, some clap and others just watch. Great shot of a “If Cena Wins We Riot” sign that says, “If King Booker Wins The Peasants Revolt.” Very funny.

Booker enters the ring and Sharmell has said, “All Hail King Booker” about a million times. JBL calls her hot, which is a lot from that bigot, although he might be thinking of setting her on fire, as is his racist wont. The lights change and the announcer states that the match is for the World Heavyweight Championship. He announces Booker first, which is not how it should be, it should be challenger first, champ last.

But we know why he did that because when Batista’s music pops and The Animal comes out, he gets a mega pop. Batista is an actual monster, like, he is huge. JBL says that, “Batista cried like a little bitch,” when he lost his championship eight and a half months ago. Cheeky rascal.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Batista def. Booker T via DQ in 10:26

Batista and Booker lock up as Maggle rattles off a list of people who they have fought.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Back in May 2006, as they were posing for the atrocious poster for SummerSlam, Booker and Batista get into a legit fight because Batista thought that he was better than the rest of the locker room, even claiming that SmackDown ratings dwindled in his absence. Booker did not take kindly to this, brought him to a room and for five minutes, they hashed it out, even coming to fisticuffs at one point before it was broken apart by a number of other wrasslers including Fit Finlay. The results of the fight vary depending on who you ask but Booker was sporting a lovely black eye at the Smackdown tapings after the fight.

Booker slaps Batista and the Animal shoves him to the ground. Just like the last Batista match with Mr. Kennedy, we never know if The Animal is acting or not. He catches a kick from Booker, turns it into a dodgy bodyslam and gets a two on the pin. Booker rolls out of the ring, grabs his Queen and Batista drags him back in, hitting Booker with a spinebuster and calling for the Batista Bomb. Booker hits Batista with a weak throw into the ropes and stomps on his quarry for some time. Snapmare takedown and chinlock city.

Batista gets to his feet and Booker cracks him with some knees and a Flair chop. Batista reverses an Irish whip and hits a belly-to-belly but gets only two in the pin. Booker rolls outside and as Sharmell distracts the ref, Booker cracks Batista with his sceptre. Back in the ring, Booker gets a two-count for his efforts. Arm lock city.

The two men fail at strikes and Booker falls on the top rope between his legs, hurting his balls. Comedy gold. Pin and two, again. On the outside, Booker throws Batista into the steel steps. In the ring, Booker only gets a two-count on Batista so hits him with a Book End, goes for the scissors kick and Batista dodges, hitting a great suplex to the champ. Some shoulder-barges in the corner leads to some Irish whips and a neckbreaker to a pin but gets only two. Booker goes for another Book End and Batista counters into a full nelson. Batista is about to go for the Batista Bomb when Sharmell runs into the ring and interferes, causing the DQ and giving Batista the win but not the championship in 10:26.

2016 comments:

Ugh. Not good. Batista is very over with the crowd but this match seems to be two men sandbagging each other. There is no energy here between the two men and nothing looks powerful at all. The interference at the end should come at a time when the crowd are super hyped and screaming for a win. Instead, it was very flat and without much of a reaction, more of a groan than a boo.

2006 comments:

I heard these two boys hate each other.

Grade: C

Booker is about to hit Batista with the scissors kick but Batista counters with a spinebuster and Batista Bomb. Booker rolls out of the ring, leaves with the championship and his mad shit-eating wife. Batista is very upset about the whole thing.

Cut to the men’s locker room where D-X are chatting to someone hidden behind the door. They leave the locker room with little fanfare.

JR calls the D-X vs. Mr and Shane McMahon match as “The most eagerly anticipated match in SummerSlam history,” which is a spit in the face of every other match in SummerSlam history. We see the prank wars between D-X and the McMahons with Shawn and Trips dressing up as Shane and Vince respectively and calling Vince gay. Hilarious. We see them throwing poop at McMahon and the Spirit Squad and… changing Vince’s mic to make it sound squeaky. My sides. Someone stop, please. I am a young man. I have so much to live for. In reaction, Vince and Shane fight back, getting Umaga, the police and bullying D-X, whipping Shawn Michaels, getting him arrested, booking a Trips vs. Umaga match and giving the Pedigree to Trips.

Back in the ring, the “Are you ready?” of the D-X theme hits and the crowd go bananas as the video causes a dozen seizures throughout the arena and hundreds more at home. Porygon be damned. Lilian Garcia introduces them and Shawn runs about the ring like a child. They hit stereo X-chops and Trips pulls off his shirt Hogan-style. He even runs to the ropes and listens for the crowd’s cheer. Trips has the mic. Oh this is going to be classy.

He asks if the crowd is ready. They’re not loud enough for him so he asks again. For the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world, he reminds them that Vince loves cock. He does his “Lllllllet’s get ready to suck it!” chant which is shit on its own never mind when followed up by Shawn’s “If you’re not down with that…” shout. No sense. Makes no sense.

“Here Comes the Money” hits and Shane walks out on his own followed by “No Chance” and Mr. McMahon. They both stand on the ramp before walking down with the Vince strut. They stop halfway there, turn back and The Spirit Squad come out, getting Sweet Chin Music’d by Shawn, Pedigree’d by Trips and tossed out of the ring. JR names them off as, “Nicky, Kenny… Dopey… Pedigreed.” Great.

Vine and Shane make another walk to the ring, stop and Mr. Anderson comes out followed by William Regal and Finlay. A brawl in the ring where Shawn hits a jumping shoulder, kip-up and eventual beatdown. Obviously D-X win, having ruined five men so far. Vince points to the back and Big Show comes down, fresh off his ECW win vs. Sabu. If D-X ruin him, then it’s saying that ECW is rubbish. Amazingly, Show goes over Michaels and Trips is destroyed by the boys outside. Jerry calls Show “Extreme” which is a bit of a lie. Show removes the top of the ECW table and chokeslams Trrrrriple H through it. JR says that “The Game’s back may be broken!”

Finally, Vince and Shane walk to the ring and roll in, gloating and calling for the bell even though both members of D-X aren’t at their corners. Bad at following the rules, boys.

D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels def. Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon via pin in 13:01.

Vine and Shawn brawl mid-ring with Vince showing his strength by lifting Shawn for a bodyslam. Shane is in and running around like a headcase, gearing up for the punches and jabbing Michaels a bunch of times followed by a clothesline. JR wonders aloud why the EMTs and trainers are not out to check on Triple H, who is still lying in the wreckage of the table. Vince beats on Shane in the corner and when the ref’s back is turned, he chokes Michaels with the tag ropes.

Shawn takes a double clothesline and finally Trips awakens. Shane drives a pair of elbows into Michaels and slides out of the ring to beat on Trips for a bit. In ring, he hits Shawn with some weird neckbreaker things. Vince is back in and they hit Michaels with the double suplex. Trips tries to get up after Vince and Shane hit Shawn with a double elbow drop and Shane slides out to beat him back down. Jerry and JR lament the lack of paramedics in the arena. Shane hits a great elbow off the top rope and Shawn takes the beating without a pin yet. The match has now gone on for five minutes and Shawn has had no offensive in. Vince gets Shawn in an electric chair and Shane jumps off the top rope to a flying clothesline. Shane finally goes for the pin and JR wishes that it was over.

Shawn, amazingly, kicks out thrice and gets a great comeback, beating down first one then both McMahons. Trips is still outside, slowly crawling to the turnbuckle as the ref begins the countout. Shane is up but is beaten down by Shawn and finally Trips gets in with the hot tag and starts clearing house, hitting Shane with a beautiful neckbreaker, running knee and cracking Vince and Shane with great clotheslines followed by a great spinebuster on Shane and a bodyslam in Vince that Michaels takes advantage of with a diving elbow. Trips hits the crotch chops and Shawn and Shane go over the top rope. Jerry brings up Vince’s “Kiss My Ass Club” and JR chastises him for it.

The crowd boo as Umaga turns up with Armando Alejandro Estrada and Umaga goes to town on Shawn, hitting him with a great kick. The ref is distracted by Estrada as Umaga hits Trips with the Samoan Spike but just as he’s about to get Michaels, pyro hits and down comes Kane! He beats on Umaga and drags him backstage after a total of two seconds of airtime, which, for a libertarian like Kane is more than enough.

Vince goes for the pin, fails, and attacks the ref Mike Chioda. Vince rolls Mike out of the ring almost as Shane sets up the trashcan on Trips in the corner for a Coast to Coast. As Trips moves, Shane jumps and is intercepted mid-air by a Sweet Chin Music from Michaels. Vince gets one too and Trips hits him with a Pedigree for the pin in 13:01.

2016 comments:

It was a good match for what it was, which was to show how much power Vince and Shane had over Michaels and Trips. I think that Kane’s entry was a bit silly and that it would have been far better had the ref been knocked out at that point, Vince and Shane could have been on the ramp with Trips and Shawn. Kane could have stormed past and leisurely thrown Shane and Vince aside before getting into the ring with Umaga, trading blows, maybe a few specials. Maybe Estrada could have hit Kane and it didn’t faze him and he retaliates with beating Umaga up and out of the ring, leaving Vince, Shane, Shawn and Trips alone to have a genuine “match” where D-X win. I know it’s gest booking, but the match made Trips and Shawn look weak in comparison to Vince and Shane because they took too long to get back from the beating.

2006 comments:

Man that Coast-to-Coast interception was great.

Grade: B

As Trips and Shawn celebrate in the ring with minimal enthusiasm. Trips even goes to beat up a child in the audience, the rascal. Trips does his Hogan move and Shawn has difficulty raising his right arm to flex though neither announcer comments.

On the Card will return on September 10 with the fourth and final part of SummerSlam 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #1. Backlash 2006 (April 30, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Backlash 2006 was heating up with a decent RVD vs Shelton Bejamin match and a regrettable Big Show vs. Kane match. Can we start some momentum heading into our two main events?

Tony Hawk intro and promo package to show how Vince and Shane came to battle Shawn Michaels and God. Great recap of the WrestleMania 22 match between Vince and Shawn. Vince announces McMahonism, the theology of the future. Vince dares God to strike him down and we see the ring posts spark as he approaches them. Lots of horizons and suns and biblical quotes. Garbage.

Here Comes the Money hits and my boy Shane O Mac pops out. He’s wrestling in shoes, baseball tops and jogging bottoms. I love Shane McMahon. I once had a childhood friend named Shane McMahon, but it was pronounced differently. No Chance hits and old Vinnie Mac swaggers down the ramp like an asshole. JR mentions that he does not want to go to Hell for any reason. Vince takes the mic and announced “one of… well, the only tag team partner Shawn Michaels will have tonight… God!” There is spot on the Titantron, harp music and the spot moves towards the ring slowly. Vince stops the spot halfway down the ramp and tells off the spotlight. McMahon reminds God that it is the WWE and that he must “get jiggy with it.” Funky music plays, God’s spot continues its descent, the world gets dumber as Vince dances. JR says, “someone call 911.”

The spot circles the ring and enters the ring. Vince quips, “The hell is that? He snuck up behind me.” Vince makes the ref to check God out and see if he has any illegal weapons. Vince then reveals that the match is now No Holds Barred. Praise be the name of Vincent Kennedy McMa-

FUCK THAT, HBK’S MUSIC HITS.

Shawn has still got it. Ten years after Shawn won the WWF Champrionship in a 60-minute Iron Man Match with Bret Hart, he still has it. What a guy. He falls to his knees, pyro hits and the women are still mental in the crowd. JR says, “you might as well say it… a handicap match!”

Vince, on the mic, threatens that Shawn “and God are gonna go straight to hell!” and gets a slap for his trouble.

The McMahons def. Shawn Michaels via pinfall in 19:57

I will refuse to count this as anything other than what it is: a handicap match. That is not because I’m an Atheist or even that I’m a diehard Christian, but just that the gimmick is weak on the ground. We get it, Vince, Shawn is a Born-Again Christian and you’re trying to antagonise him. Good job. Let’s move on.

HBK beats on Vince for a while, Shane tries to break them up and gets a wallop for his trouble. Shane gets a great back body drop and HBK hits a cross-body suicide dive over the top rope. Shane and Shawn go over the top rope but HBK holds on, pulls himself back in and hits the senton suicide dive. One minute in and Shawn has jumped out twice. HBK chant rises as the man himself walks Shane up the Titantron. The pair swap punches and Shane gets HBK into a piledrive, walks back to the steel grate and gets flipped by HBK. Vince turns up with a chair and HBK beats him down. He then throws Shane into the spiked decorations at the side of the Titantron, spins and hits the cross-body on Vince, knocking them both off the Titantron and onto a pad on the floor. HBK regrets the jump a split second before his feet leave the floor.

HBK is up and climbing up to the Titantron and there is Shane to crack him with a steel chair shot to the face. Shane goes to check on his daddy. The camera follows him so that Michaels can blade. By the time Shane makes his way back to the ramp, HBK is bust open and bleeding all over his chest. JR states that Vince is “losing his mind… in my opinion.” HBK is rolling about, the blood is on Shane’s shirt and the pair of them are selling each shot. Great arm drag takedown into the security wall by Shane. Back in the ring, Michaels is jumping from each shot Shane gives him. Vince is back at ringside. Shane is beating on Michaels like a madman. Great backdrop from the Boy Wonder. Shane goes to the top turnbuckle and goes for a great elbow but Michaels rolls out of the way. Shawn starts punching back, Vince is waiting for the tag… even though it is a no-holds-barred match.

Vince is tagged in and removes his belt. He starts whipping on Michaels and jabbering to himself. Cameramen by ringside. Brilliant match so far, but the pace has slowed after the initial spots. Vince asks Shane for a weapon and his son obliges by throwing in a trash can, cracking Michaels right on the head. Vince gets the mic and starts shouting at God in the corner, claiming that he is leaving Michaels alone in the ring. The cameraman even follows God. Vince threatens Shawn and goes for Sweet Chin Music but Michaels catches the boot and runs the ropes. Both men are down and Shane is knocked to the floor. Vince starts to stagger to his feet and Shawn does his patented kip-up, dodged a chair shot from Shane (which cracks Vince), knocks Shane to his feet. Another kip-up, an atomic drop and Michaels starts battering forearms on Shane, knocking him down, getting him up, knocking him down.

Big body slam and Michaels is on the top rope, dropping a fearsome elbow “onto the black heart of the crown prince of the McMahon Empire,” says our man JR. The crowd count to each stomp of the boot and HBK hits Sweet Chin Music on both McMahons before going under the ring to take out two tables. They’re slid into the ring and JR reminds us (as if we would forget) that this match is no DQ. The crowd chant “we want tables!” even though that tables are already there. Blind boys of Kentucky.

Shawn drapes Shane over the table and pops to the outside. Some lad in the crowd is wearing a Venom T-shirt, nice one. Michaels throws Vince inside the ring. Jerry says, “Looks like McMahon was… praying there. That couldn’t be the case, could it?” JR replies, “I don’t think he knows how. I think that would be foreign territory for him.” Both McMahons (the McMen) are on the tables and Shawn pulls a huuuuuge ladder from under the ring, pushes it in and gets it set up. It is damn near the size of the ring. The commentators say 20 feet. At one point, JR admits he is not a Home Depot guy and says that it must be 30 feet…. At least. From the size of Michaels (just over 6 feet), he is just under halfway the height of the ladder, so it must be around 15 feet or so, which is still a fearsome height. He clambers up it, gets ready and jumps… outside the ring onto the Spirit Squad.

Yes! The Spirit Squad, the Tag Team Champions are ringside, all five of the emerald cunts, or, as JR calls them, “The most annoying quintet in the WWE.” He fights back but the Squad take over and stomp Michaels, punch and beat on him. They jump into the ring and pull Shane and Vince out of harm’s way, dismantling the weapons in the ring. JR notices that, at this point, it is seven-on-one. The squad grab a limb each, throw Michaels into the air and smash him on a table. Vince crooks his leg and gets the pin in 19:57.

2016 comments:

As JR says at the end of the match: “That was bullshit.” And it was. The ending was garbage. At least let Michaels get the big spot or reverse it so that Shane elbows Shawn through the tables or something. The match was a shit sandwich – great spots at the start, great spots at the end and garbage in between. That said, the spots really upped the score somewhere into the stratosphere.

2006 comments:

Fucking love Shawn and Shane but Vince looks like a sausage.

Grade: B

JR apologises for his language. Jerry says, “the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit… Squad”. The referee shakes his head over Michael’s body. Vince shakes his big steroid arms.

Cut backstage to introduce my boy “the most controversial champion in WWE History” John Cena. Cena looks the same even though it’s ten years ago. In that time, he has won the championship a further thirteen times. His hands are huge. He relates the fact that he does not need to be pinned in order to lose the championship. He bigs up Lillian Garcia and says he’s going to keep the belt.

Matt Striker comes out to give everyone a lesson. He was, according to JR, fired for “conduct unbecoming of a schoolteacher.” He actually was a legit high school teacher. He’s a great guy on the mic and riles up the crowd about fried chicken, illegally recruited basketball players and their lack of education. As a teacher myself, this man has class. He introduces “one of the smartest men to ever come from Kentucky” and out comes… Eugene. Oh Christ.

I like Eugene. I have a soft spot for him. Is he a great wrestler? No. Is he the underdog? Yes. Is he an offensive stereotype? Oh fuck yes.

Striker makes fun of Eugene and says he can’t spell his own name. He gives the chalk to Eugene, dares him to prove Striker wrong and spell his own name. Striker makes fun of Ashley Judd. Eugene reveals that he has not spelled his name and, instead, under “Matt Striker” he wrote, “loves poop” which is fair enough.

But who among us is not a closet poop fan? Let he who is without sin cast the first poop.

Striker really heels it up and claims that he is not a coprophiliac. Eugene starts up a “You love poop” chant. It’s 2006, guys. Come on.

Eugene has found a booger in his nose and threatens to eat it. Striker bravely stops him and Eugene thanks him by giving him the booger. Then stunners Striker while JR sells some BBQ sauce by the side. “It’ll take more than my barbeque sauce to make that feel good.” JR is crying ringside. Tony Hawk intro of the main event and it needs a main event promo to introduce it. We see the HHH vs. Cena match from WrestleMania 22 where Cena retained the belt after tapping Trips out. At the Monday Night Raw after WrestleMania, bust-face Edge says that he and he alone is worthy of the WWE Championship. We see HHH beating Cena, then Cena beating Edge then Edge beating HHH. Like some bastard game of rock-paper-scissors, these men are all starter Pokémon in this main event match.

Edge’s best theme with the lyrics plays and out he comes with Lita. They’re both great. I love Edge and Lita looks one hundred percent. Edge is taking big breaths and Trip’s The Game hits. Out he comes, taking about half an hour to walk thirty feet and drink half a bottle of water. And he spills half of it on the ramp. Hunter, there are children in Afric- you know what? Forget it. You wouldn’t care anyways. Big sign of “On Your Knees, Dog.” Poor kid holding the comma. Triple H, not happy with wasting an entire night walking to the ring, now finds that he cannot get down from the turnbuckle. Poor tucker. Trips chews on some tobacco as well.

John Cena music. The man himself raps it. Out he comes, shouting at the crowd, all hyped up on muscles and hustle. He has the same love/hate split as he does now. Personally, I love Cena and can’t get enough of the man. The wrestler is okay, but John Cena the man is a hero, a real-life superhero.

WWF Championship Triple Threat match: John Cena (c) def. Edge w/ Lita and Triple H via pinfall in 17:33

Match begins and the three men get a Mexican standoff started first. Edge speaks for a while and removes himself from the ring, leaving Cena and Trips to beat each other up. Fast shoulder presses followed by a quick suplex and a pin attempt broken up by Edge. Trips hits Cena with an inverted atomic drop and a high knee followed by a second pin attempt broken by Edge. Cena and Trips punch the shit out of each other for a while and the two men turn to stare at Edge, pulling him into the ring and start a game of punch-tennis where Edge is the ball. The Rated-R Superstar is outside and John and Hunter beat on Edge for a while, bouncing his head off the announcer’s table.

Edge is rolled back in but then the Triple Threat resumes with Trips throwing out Cena and going for Edge. The two men go at each other for a bit and seems gassed. Cena pulls at Trips’ legs, bouncing his face off the apron. Cena goes top-rope and for the first time in history, no one stops him. He hits the splash on Edge followed by a spinout powerbomb that leads to a Five Knuckle Shuffle attempt before Lita pulls on the ropes, flipping Cena outside. Trips is back inside the ring and hits Edge with the running knee. He goes for the pin and gets nothing but a two-count.

Edge runs at Trips and the Game hits him with a fucking beeeeautiful spinebuster. Edge lands a reversal badly on his ankle and runs the ropes. Trips gets Edge into a sleeper hold and the crowd chant for our man Cena. Cena lifts both Edge and Trips for the FU and Edge hits him with a spear. Cena is hurting and Carlito Jr. is outside the ring there. Edge gets Trips into position for the catapult to the turnbuckle and Hunter takes the time to blade. As soon as he hits the ring post, he spins and shows off his blood. Good man yourself. He is bust wide open and is set to bleed like a motherfucker when he’s thrown on the announcers table. Trips gets a DDT from Edge, but the table doesn’t break. Trips is really badly bleeding right now, steams of blood dripping from his huge forehead, pools of it outside the ring.

Inside, Edge and Cena are going at it. Edge hits Cena with a spear and the crowd only care about Trips. Cena gets Edge into the STFU and the Rated-R Superstar is ready to tap. Both men are screaming, Edge is clawing his way to the ropes and Triple H’s hand stops Edge from tapping or grabbing the rope and busts Cena with the microphone. Trips cracks Edge with a brutal headshot that probably leads to Edge’s retirement years later. Trips is in the ring and a drop toe hold from Cena leads to the STFU on trips. His face is a crimson mask. My favourite spot as the ref lifts Trips hand and lets it drop once, twice, thr- NO! TRIPLE H STOPS HIS HAND FROM FALLING. HE’S STILL IN THE GAME. THE GAME IS IN THE GAME. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY.

Triple H lifts Cena up, crawls to the rope and breaks the hold. Cena is up and poised to hit the FU but Trips reverses, gets ready for the Pedigree and Cena hits another drop toe hold and another STFU. Edge is up, he’s on the top rope, he’s ready to jump and Cena is up, punching Edge, falling back, knocking the ref senseless. From the top, Cena gets Edge ready for the FU when Trips is up, gets Cena in the electric chair, falls back and all three men hit the canvas.

Lita is in with a steel chair. She runs at Trips and he spinebusters her. What a fucking champ. Trips has the chair up, he decides not to hit anyone, exits the ring and gets… THE SLEDGEHAMMER. His head is just bloody, the poor bastard. Cena is getting up when Edge spears Trips out of nowhere. He has the sledgehammer now, goes to beat Cena and gets lifted for an FU. Trips low-blows Cena, Edge falls out of the ring and a Pedigree attempt turns until a roll-up by Cena for the one-two-three.

2016 comments:

Simple and effective mayhem. You were left guessing with each manouever. No one got their big move off, which seems like a cheap match, but then everyone goes over and everyone gets heat. If Cena had hit someone with the FU or Trips hit the Pedigree and they tapped out then Cena or Trips would look weak. In this match, it was really between powerhouses Cena and Trips. Edge was the plucky underdog and got off a bunch of powerful spears, did not get pinned and lost clean. Even Trips lost because Cena was quick-thinking as opposed to better. Great fucking match.

2006 comments:

I hope wrestlers just bleed forever.

Grade: A

Trips stops Cena’s celebrations with a sledgehammer attack and then goes to beat up the ref and Edge for good measure. Big cheers from the crowd, Trips hits the crotch chops and his music blares. The King still reigns and his big roid-belly is covered in red, red blood. Trips really looks fucked. I’m surprised he doesn’t fall off the damn ramp, the psycho. Some replays of the last seconds in the ring. JR: “Mah Gawd, what a triple threat match. Mah Gawd what a night!”

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Déjà vu here, but Shawn Michaels. That man was on from start to finish. He took a hell of a bump off the top of that ladder and his match was held by him. Cena and Edge and Trips did a good job, but Shawn took the lion’s share of his matches.

Woman of the Matches: Not many to choose from here, with the only one women’s match. I’d have to give it to Trish Stratus, though. Wrestling with a dislocated shoulder? You’re hard as fuck, wee girl.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: Michaels tackling Vince off the stage.

Hatches: Technically all of the wrasslers in the PPV are hatches as they appear for the first time on this blog, but none are legit hatches as they have wrestled in the Fed before now. Still, I will name them thusly: Carlito, Chris Masters, Umaga, Ric Flair, Mickie James, Trish Stratus, Rob Van Dam, Shelton Benjamin, Big Show, Kane, Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon, Shawn Michaels, Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, Mikey (Spirit Squad) Triple H, Edge, John Cena. The managers were Armando Alejandro Estrada and Lita. We had Maria and Todd interviewing, Candice in the background and Jumping Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler on announcing duty along with the wonderful and shaken Lillian Garcia.

Matches: Rob Van Dam wins Shelton Benjamin’s WWE Intercontinental title and both Mickie James and John Cena retain.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: It was not as bad as I remember it being, although it might be because I fucking loved the last match, which is what a bad PPV should have. PPVs should be like pizza, I suppose. Even if it’s shite, let it end with a bang.

On the Card will return on May 21 with the Smackdown PPV Judgment Day.