Ruthless Aggression #8: No Mercy (October 8, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: MVP. Very disappointing.

Cut after a break to JBL and Cole bigging up the upcoming Falls Count Anywhere match between Chavo and Rey.

Promo for the match showing Chavo’s betrayal during Rey’s World Championship match against Booker T at The Great American Bash by hitting him with a chair. Vicky Guerrero is unhappy about this and shouts at Chavo for a while… and then ends up bopping Rey with a chair herself. Vicky cuts a promo on how she hates Rey. We see Rey botching some moves and they let on that it was caused by his mind being on the Guerroros, not because Rey is a botch machine. The Guerreros threaten Rey’s son and hold him hostage, costing him a match against Mr. Kennedy. Bastards.

The announcer claims that the “falls count anywhere” stipulation means that the falls count anywhere… within the arena. So it should just be a “falls count anywhere in the arena” match then? Vicky comes out with Chavo, described as Chavo’s “business manager”, which is nice of them considering that they could easily make them have an affair or something. JBL calls Rey a leech. Chavo wears pants that say “Warrior”.

Rey erupts from the titantron, getting a huge kiddy pop. He gives his medallion to a child, gives his shirt to another, doing his Juan Cena impression. He jumps into the ring and the bell starts the match.

Falls Count Anywhere match: Rey Mysterio def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via pin in 12:10.

The two lads lock up and it’s a fast-paced beat-em-up match, the two luchas giving it loads and doing a great job of hitting the spots early including a high dropkick, a missed dropkick, a jackknife cover and a roll-through in quick succession. Cole says that the Falls Count Anywhere matches are designed to end rivalries and JBL agrees, saying that the fact that it can end in a parking lot is reason enough. I don’t understand.

Rey gets to the top rope and Chavo pops up beside him, the two men hitting each other. “Eddie! Eddie!” chants rise up as Chavo turns to the cameraman and tell him to move as he sets Rey up for a powerbomb to the outside. It takes some time as Chavo has difficulty lifting Rey. They punch each other at the same time and the concussive blast knocks both men down. Chavo beats on Rey by the barriers and jaws off to Mysterio as the two men purposely fight down the aisle to the side of the Titantron. Chavo looks about, lifts Rey into a powerbomb position and Rey holds onto the decorations, kicking Chavo and hitting the hurricanrana. They battle to the crowd and Chavo hits a dodgy throw onto the sides of the arena.

Rey reverses Chavo’s Irish whip, throwing him into a barricade and hits a weak leg drop, almost breaking his arse. Chavo is crawling away and Rey hits the running hurricanrana on him. Rey attempts a move of some description and Chavo ends up using him like a baseball bat, hammering him off the barricades and chairs. There are some pin attempts along the way but none are interesting enough to warrant note. Chavo throws Rey into the crowd and they ascend the stairs together. The fans are reaching out, grabbing them and the men are getting too close to the crowd. Mysterio hits the seated senton, hitting the cameraman.

Chavo hits Rey with a huge clothesline and they are making their way around the ring, moving constantly. JBL and Cole argue on the mic. Fuck up, boys. Rey is thrown into the barricades and Rey hits the 619 on Chavo around the barricade. We are getting dangerously close to a high-flying move and it comes as Rey hits a dodgy cross-body and gets the pin in 12:10.

2016 comments:

Garbage wrestling, improvised and called on the fly. Not great and no memorable spots.

2006 comments:

The crowd make this match and I must say, if I were there, the thirty seconds where I could see the match would make it all worth it.

Grade: C

Rey beats on Chavo as the match finishes but Vicky is there to protect him. Where did she come from? Those Guerreros are amazing. Replays of the 619 and the cross-body that finished the match. Vicky screeches like a woman possessed.

Cut to a promo for The Marine. We have Ric Flair for some reason. We see all the stars bigging up the armed forces. One of the marines says that John Cena’s catchphrase is, “don’t quit,” which is shit.

Cut to Cole talking bollocks as usual. JBL likes to talk a bit of shite as well.

Regal’s music hits and the real man’s man walks to the ring, quite besmirched. He is introduced as Sir William Regal. Great.

The crowd pops once and Benoit’s music hits. When [REDACTED] comes out, he actually smiles. What? A smile from the Rabid Wolverine? I love Benoit. I hate what he did but by God he was a great wrassler.

Chris Benoit def. William Regal via submission in 11:16.

Benoit and Regal lock up, with the crowd already chanting Benoit’s name. Regal is a wonderful, old school wrestler and the two work fantastically together. The two fall to the mat and begin arms locks and knee strikes. Benoit paces after Regal, following him around the ring like a predator. JBL states that, “Benoit has no real flaws,” which I mostly agree with. He has little personality and is terrible on the mic. Essentially, he’s a murderous Lance Storm.

Test of strength from the two men after a bunch of two-counts followed by a wonderful kip-up by Regal and leg-scissors by Benoit. This is a true wrasslin’ match. Benoit hits some brutal chops before German suplexing Regal. Benoit headbutts Regal and hits the second German suplex. Benoit goes to the top rope, busting Regal open (or at least further busting Regal open). Regal is on the apron and threatens to suplex Benoit to the outside of the Wolverine sneaks out and grabs Regal from behind, teasing the German to the outside. Benoit takes a dodgy fall to the ground followed by a close two-count, broken by his foot on the rope.

Regal is in control now, squeezing the life from Benoit. Benoit fights back and attempts the Sharpshooter. Cole says, “Take note, MVP,” and it is annoying how much he has become a butt monkey in the last few minutes. Regal gets Benoit in an abdominal stretch but the Canuck fights back with some brutal chops in the corner on Regal’s wound. The Englishman fights back with double throwing suplexes and attempts an STF, which Benoit reverses into an armbar but Regal has his foot on the ropes. Regal goes for the surfboard and choke combo. Benoit is… bleeding from the mouth, somehow.

Benoit breaks the hole and we have some full nelson reversals followed by a full nelson suplex and a slow, laborious move into the Crippler Crossface, which Regal taps out in instantly in 11:16.

2016 comments:

As a wrasslin’ match, it was fantastic. Lots of reversals, great interconnecting moves and a wonderful Regal kip-up. As a wrestling match, however, it has no psychology and was a little slow but both men went over clean and Regal barely cheated.

2006 comments:

You’d know the main event is coming up next.

Grade: A-

Benoit holds in the submission hold until the ref tells him not to. Regal leaves the ring as Benoit gets a standing ovation and Cole and JBL sing praises to our man Chris Benoit. JBL tells him to “go to the back, find MVP and call him out.”

On the Card will return on October 30 with the fourth and final part of No Mercy 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #6: SummerSlam (August 20, 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on August 20, 2006, the PPV SummerSlam 2006 aired. It was a cross-promotional PPV, and the first of its kind since WrestleMania 22 back in April. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

SummerSlam 2006

The Biggest Party of the Summer

It is a wildly generic tagline. The poster is just as bad and shows Trrrrrriple H and Shawn Michaels wearing aprons and chefs hats with very long sausages in prongs (HHH’s sausage is significantly longer than HBK’s). Behind them, all the superstars are badly photoshopped in front of a pool, all smiling and having fun. The thing is this: they must have done a SummerSlam photoshoot because all the pictures are actual images of wrestlers, not, like, their faces Photoshopped onto other people’s bodies (especially because the guy doing the Photoshop is not talented whatsoever) but if they did a photoshoot separately… by not just get everyone together to pose? Why take a dozen pictures and then mush ‘em together? Would the wrestlers be unhappy that, for example, John Cena is front and centre with D-X while the Spirit Squad is a tiny pixel in the background? Weird. Wrestling is weird.

Promo package telling us that SummerSlam has been the biggest party of the summer for 19 years. Then it’s highjacked by DX and shows the DX vs. McMahon rivalry. We see King Booker and his mad wife Sharmell force Batista to kiss his foot, which Drax did not like at all. Cena and Edge are roaring at each other as well. Back at the last Raw PPV, Vengeance on June 25, RVD retained his championship against Edge. A week later, Edge would defeat RVD on Raw and went into SummerSlam the champ. Cena is very unhappy about that.

Overly complicated graphics package to show that SummerSlam is Raw, Smackdown aaaaand ECW. The SS symbol just reminds me of a cool, refreshing drink of summer soda. We are live, however, in Boston, Massachusetts, home of the Founding Fathers, of revolution, of independence and Fallout 4. There are 16,168 in attendance with a reported 541,000 PPV buys! That’s less than last year’s 18,158 in attendance and 650,000 buys, but well done nonetheless. We have a selection of announcers, referees and commentators. To introduce us is Maggle Cole and Cunt JBL for SmackDown! They are joined by Tony Chimel as ring announcer. Raw has the dream team of Jumping Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler with Lilian Garcia as ring announcer. Finally, Screeching Joey Styles and Sunglasses Indoors Tazz with Justin Roberts as ring announcer for ECW. As always, they are joined by the fantastic Spanish announcers, Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich. That is a startlingly long list of announcers and the Spanish announcers aren’t even introduced! What?

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Rob Conway. Carlito put on one of the best matches in Vengeance back in June and did not deserve this relegation.)

619 music hits and down comes former WWE champeen, Rey Mysterio. He’s facing it up and hands an absolutely astounded young lady his chain. Her face is priceless. I love it when wrasslers do stuff like that. He’s here to fight Chavo Guerrero, who screwed the chance Rey had to defend his championship against Booker T back in the Great American Bash. Vicky Guerrero is not happy about the whole thing, which is fair enough as the link between Rey and Chavo is Eddie, Vicky’s late husband. Cunt JBL calls Rey a “Disgrace”.

Cut to a promo showing Rey and Eddie being best friends. In both their books, they talk about each other a lot, obviously both of them being Luchas and breaking into the notoriously difficult American market when you’re not 6 foot 5 and 250 lbs.

Chavo comes out and we have a promo package for him and Eddie showing the best moments of their relationship. Comedy gold. Eddie looks so ripped in each of the packages. Chavo has come out of retirement for this one match. Rey dives towards Chavo and Little Naitch Charles Robinson rings the bell to start the match.

Chavo Guerrero def. Rey Mysterio via pin in 11:58.

You can almost smell the betrayal in the air as Rey batters on Chavo in the corner. Chavo hits Rey with a great uppercut. Rey does a springboard moonsault, caught by Chavo and Guerrero flies through the ropes. Rey jumps over the top rope and Chavo dodges into the ring, followed by a second suicide dive. Rey is in the corner, kicking Rey’s head, almost removing his mask in the process. Both JBL and Maggle are really making Rey, the babyface, out to be a bastard. You’re supposed to be putting him over, God dammit.

A couple of reversals and Rey gets his head bounced off the turnbuckle. Great backdrop from Chavo followed by an Eddie dance. The crowd boo him and chant, “Eddie! Eddie!” Rey’s mask gets punched off by Chavo! The cameras stay away from Rey’s face as he puts the mask back on. Well done, big man. Chavo goes to the top rope, however, and both men are up there with an embarrassingly ineffective bulldog off the top rope. Rey’s mask is still giving him trouble. Both men are up and Chavo gets a dropkick to the knee followed by Rey hitting a springboard crossbody. Drop tow hold reversal and a “Keep Khali off TV!” sign behind the boys. It quickly disappears.

Rey is back up to the top rope and Chavo goes for a super backdrop again, is reversed into an electric chair to hurricanrana that puts Chavo onto the ropes. Rey hits a wee 619 and Chavo springs about the place. Rey attempts to do a springboard seated senton followed by a hurricanrana and both ment are thrown outside, punching each other like a pair of headcases.

Does comes our girl Vicky, shouting and grabbing at Chavo. We knew this would happen. Those Guerreros are mental. Vicky slaps Chavo, Rey jumps through the ropes onto him. Vicky is telling both men off and Chavo hits a Three Amigos (triple rolling non-release suplex) but Rey escapes before the third one can be completed. Mysterio then hits the Three Amigos… and there are boos from the crowd? What? Rey goes to the top rope, shouts a Vicky for a while and the woman knocks Rey off the top rope. Little Naitch doesn’t get the DQ, however. Chavo hits a brainbuster and frog splash for the win in 11:58.

2016 comments:

I love Eddie and I love Vicky, but this match would have been far better with one than the other. Keep the tributes, keep the references, lose Vicky. I mean, I understand her point in the match and she represents Eddie here, but she was more trouble than what she was worth. If she had interfered by accident and was then removed by Little Naitch and the guys had wrassled for a minute or two more with Chavo getting the win due in part to Vicky’s interference, fine, but it cheapens his win and makes the ten minutes previous to her coming out seem inconsequential even though his best performance was after she arrived on the scene.

2006 comments:

I miss Eddie.

Grade: B

A good start to SummerSlam 2006. Vicky leaves as Chavo looks on, confused. He is wondering why Vicky slapped him. How can she slap?

Cut to Booker T, holding the World Heavyweight Championship close to his chest. I love the King Booker/Queen Sharmell angle. It’s a licence to print comedy. Edge and Lita pop in with her boobs on show. Edge says that as he is the WWE Champ and Lita is the WWE Women’s Champ, they are more powerful than the King and Queen. He then makes a football reference or a baseball reference. I don’t know. I don’t follow sports. Booker makes a friendly wager: If Booker retains and Edge does not, Edge must come to SmackDown! to kiss Booker’s feet. Edge has a counter-wager: If Edge retains and Booker does now, Booker must come to Raw and be Edge’s servant for the night. Bit touchy there, boys, careful with that racial abuse.

Cut to Joey and Tazz bigging up the next match: Big Show vs. Sabu in an Extreme Rules match for the ECW World Championship. In a previous episode of ECW, Big Show arrived to screw up the contract ladder match for both Sabu and RVD. The winner of the ladder match would face Big Show at SummerSlam, but the seven foot fool accidentally helped Sabu win. (Slow trumpet sound as Big Show looks the camera and shrugs theatrically).

Sabu comes out, carrying a chair. He points to the ceiling, throws the chair about. Big Show’s music hits and the man comes out. Very little posturing here. Neither men are that over at SummerSlam as ECW is the C show. This is an Extreme Rules match, however, so no DQs or countouts.

Extreme Rules Match for the ECW World Championship: Big Show (c) def. Sabu via pinfall in 8:55.

Sabu wastes no time in chucking a chair straight at Big Show’s head. Good start, my man. He batters Show with chair shots and follows it up with an Arabian Facebuster but gets a two-count. Show literally chucks him off him and then takes over with big shots to the head and chest of Sabu. Massive bodyslam from Show and Sabu looks like he’s rapping on the ground. Big bear hug from show and Sabu bites Show’s nose, hits a massive lariat, is caught by Show and does a move that neither of the announcers know the name of (it was a fallaway slam). Sabu throws another chair at Big Show’s face followed by a second. He then drops the chair outside the ring like a fool and hits a chair-dropkick to Show’s face but it only gets a two-count.

Sabu pops underneath the ring and pulls out a table, ready for Show to go through… although how he expects a seven foot, five hunnerd pound monster to go through a table is beyond me. He sets it up in the corner, hits Big Show with one bulldog off the turnbuckle and another running bulldog off the chair. Crowd chant for ECW and it isn’t long until both men are up and executing an electric chair drop off the turnbuckle. Big Show goes to Bret’s rope and hits a Vader bomb on Sabu. The steel steps are removed and thrown into the ring by Show. He gets another table from under the ring and takes his time getting in to set up his weird concoction of who stairs bridged by a table. Sabu jumps up and runs to the ropes, steps on the table and makes it slip. He quickly fixes it before jumping at Show and getting a spinebuster for his efforts. Sabu completely no sells it… oh wait, it was a DDT apparently. Another table is set up and Sabu goes for another DDT but gets chokeslammed and Big Show retains his ECW Chapionship by pin in 8:55.

2016 comments:

Garbage. No story, just jumping from spot to spot. Show was the only one who sold anything and that might be because he was genuinely tired. Back in the day, I probably would have loved an Extreme Rules match, but neither guys bled (not that extreme) and there were no spots to write home about. I respect Sabu for his dedication to the art of wrestling, but I hate that he can’t tell a story in the ring. This could have been a match where Sabu pulled out all the shots and hit Show with everything he could and it was either ineffective against the monster or Show’s superior height, weight and strength kept reversing Sabu’s attempts. They could have told a story here. They did not.

2006 comments:

I love Extreme Rules matches!

Grade: D

Big Show is exhausted and slightly bust. Tazz bigs up the match even though it was a sub-par shitshow. The ref is rubbing his head as if to say, “Christ, how are we going to tidy this mess up?” None of the replays are exciting.

On the Card will return on August 27 with the second part of SummerSlam 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #5: The Great American Bash (July 23, 2006) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Bra and panties.

Cut to the motherfucking Miz in his “hosting” duties backstage. He interviews Mr. Kennedy. Ken chews the scenery for a while so much so that his face goes red. The Miz appears unimpressed.

Batista’s music hits and the crowd pop for him. He’s wearing Bo Dallas white pants and jaws off to the crowd for a while before hitting his machine gun pyro. He is the epitome of mid-2000s wrestler. Pair of women behind him mime pinching his bum, as well, so fair play to both him and them. Batista was supposed to fight Mark Henry, but Henry suffered an awful injury and will be out for eight months.

Out comes Mr. Kennedy. No posturing here, just walks out like the gangster he is. As Kennedy points to the heavens, Batista gets a cheap shot in, starting the match.

Mr. Kennedy def. Batista via pinfall in 8:38.

You know that part of the movie where the hero is down on his lucky and he has one final Hail Mary shot at redemption? We’re talking about a final chance to score a goal (or touchdown as you yanks call it) or he puts all of his chips all in on one final hand of poker or she has one bullet left to take that shot? That’s where I was right before this match. This is my last shot because I quite like Mr. Kennedy and Batista and although I love Rey and Booker, their matches are never amazing, they are simply okay. So this is going to be my last shot at getting an A match after the first fantastic one.

Batista has Kennedy in the corner, bouncing him off turnbuckles, choking him. This looks like two men who want to have a fight, a fight, not a match. JR said that at one point during the HHH/Rock feud where Rock had made fun of Stephanie. This is not a match, this is a fight. Kennedy is bust open from the steel steps, apparently, and Kennedy had no real chance to blade, so it was probably legit. Batista is cracking Kennedy in the forehead, really getting the blood flowing. Kennedy goes to leave, turns and jaws off to Batista, pointing to his forehead and calling Batista a piece of garbage.

As he slips into the ring, Batista spears him. Reportedly, the wound on Kennedy’s head exposed his cranium! It’s impossible not to look for it during the match. Kennedy beats on Batista mercilessly and it is difficult to imagine that this isn’t because of the forehead injury, as one big long receipt. Batista gets a kick on the back of the head and wastes some time outside. Kennedy is in control right now and both men are trying to get the match over and done with as quickly as possible. Paradoxically, they get into a rest hold for a while and we get a nice shot of that exposed cranium. Took twenty stitches to close the wound!

The rest hold lasts for a while and Batista is trying to stand up as quickly as he can, his one arm shaking in anger. Kennedy’s wound seems to have stopped bleeding and he beats on Batista and the Animal retaliated with a choke hold followed by bunch of shoulder barges in the corner. Kennedy’s wound is reopened as Batista throws him into the corner and he hits his head again, pissing blood everywhere. Batista holds his boot on Kennedy’s throat and gets DQ’d in 8:38.

2016 comments:

Not a great match and my focus was on poor Kennedy’s head.

2006 comments:

Blood! Blood! Gallons of the stuff!

Grade: C

Batista hits Kennedy with three spinebusters as the bell rings. He follows this up with a Batista Bomb. He then rubs his hand over Kennedy’s forehead and smears himself in blood. He looks like an absolute monster, but his eyes are terrified, scared, haunted. The poor son of a bitch. Both of them are poor sons of bitches.

Remember my analogue earlier about the Hail Mary shot? Well this is the point in the movie where the heroes are up shit creek. The best they can hope for is an okay finish to this entire thing.

Lots of recaps of the blood from Kennedy’s face as the Animal looks on, genuinely concerned. Old Drax the Destroyer has a heart of gold, it seems.

We have a lovely recap of Booker T becoming King of the Ring, looking humble as usual. We see him winning the Battle Royale on SmackDown! to earn a match with our boy Rey. Rey is really sold as being an underdog champion because they never shut up about it. He 619’s Booker around the ring post and the King sells it like he’s been shot. Brilliant.

King Booker’s music hits as the man himself comes down on a weird float with a throne on it, driven by a God damned knight. Pyro goes off behind him and both Booker and Sharmell sell it like they are humble monarchs, waving to the booing crowd and smiling. JBL cunts it up, standing with his hat over his heart. Maggle is stupefied by this. Booker takes his time getting to the ring and the music is getting quite repetitive now. I want this entrance to last forever, but I want the music to stop. And I want JBL to stop too.

Rey’s music hits and out he comes, exploding from behind a moderately sized box. He’s facing it up, clapping hands on the way to the ring. He’s a more universally liked John Cena. Maggle and Rey argue about who is more deserving of the championship as the ring causes epileptic fits throughout the venue. Despite the boos, Booker is very humble during his introduction, thanking the crowd. Rey gets a big kiddie-pop and is called “The Master of the 619” amongst his other achievements. Booker squares up to Rey and yells, “Eddie can’t help you!” into his face.

World Heavyweight Championship match: King Booker T (w/ Queen Sharmell) def. Rey Mysterio (c) via pinfall in 16:46.

The crowd are chanting “Eddie! Eddie!” as the bell rings and Maggle fucks it up by calling Booker T the champion. Way to foreshadow, Freddy Foreshadowing. Rey looks like a child beside Booker, which is normal for the champ. Booker knocks Rey to the ground and kicks him mercilessly. Booker beats on Rey in the corner but he is reversed and Rey goes for the pin but gets a one. The crowd get another, “Eddie!” chant going. Some terrible knees from Booker followed by a bodyslam and a great Irish whip and clothesline.

Police pin city but Rey escapes, goes for a stunner and flips Booker over for some reason. Running of the ropes followed by hurricanrana and Rey gets Booker in a corner but receives an eye poke for his effort. Rey avoids a shoulder barge and Booker falls outside like a silly goose. Mysterio gives Booker a seated senton, smacking Booker in the face with his balls. Mysterio misses a Bret’s rope moonsault and a superkick takes the Mexican down. Booker hits Rey with a clothesline and gets a two-and-a-half pin. Booker responds by choking him on the ropes and as the ref berates him, Sharmell rakes Rey’s eyes. Booker gets Rey in an arm lock and boots him in the face. Cheeky.

Maggle does an actual good job of mentioning the chants and Rey attempts to repeat his stunner flip but is thwarted. Booker gives Rey a great suplex from the apron and references Eddie by holding on and repeating the suplex twice with a great spinaroonie at the end. The crowd chant, “619!”. Rey dodges a kick and fights back. He goes for the 619, Booker dodges and Rey gets only a two count. He goes to get another 619 but Sharmell trips him. The ref sees it and sends her from ringside. I like that spot as it evens out the match, but maybe we could have done with a few more Sharmell incidents to really rile the crowd up. Booker hits Rey with a brillian back drop before going to Bret’s rope with a stomp but Rey boots him in the face. Both men are down, Booker’s knee is injured.

Rey beats on Booker, goes for a great head scissors that sends Booker to the floor. A Bret’s rope cross-body and a shot of the crowd where one kid screams, “You can’t see me!” at the camera. At least… I think it was a kid. Honestly, I could have sworn it was just an empty space in the crowd…

Rey hits Booker with a DDT and gets a two count. It’s that part of the match where a wrestler farts and goes for a pin. The ref is knocked down as Booker tosses Rey across the ring, hitting the official. JBL states that Rey did that on purpose to be disqualified and keep the belt. Seated senton from Rey and Booker gets kicked with the 619, saunters over to the turnbuckle and frog splashes onto Booker. The referee is out, though, and as he goes to get the official, Booker low blows him, hits him with the Book End and gets a chair. He misses his shot and Rey jumps up, dropkicks Booker in the face. Out comes Chavo and you can smell it in the air… what is that scent? Oh, now I know! It’s… BETRAYAL!

Chavo predictably hits Rey in the face with the chair (and what a chair shot it is) and Booker goes for the pin, the referee rolls into the ring and hits the slowest pin in the world for Booker to win the match and championship in 16:46.

2016 comments:

An okay match from two okay competitors. Saw the Chavo angle coming miiiiles away, though, and the finish lacked the finesse that it required. If Booker had taken advantage of the chair shot to give Rey a Super Book End off the top rope or something similar, then it would have been different. As it was, the match lacked that special something.

2006 comments:

Did you hear that chair shot? Christ of almighty!

Grade: B

Booker cries mid-ring as JBL tells us that we cannot trust a Guerrero, which is a slightly racist but fairly obvious thing to say. Sharmell screeches, “All Hail King Booker!” into the mic about twenty thousand times. That and the repetitive music really grates. I love you Booker and I love you, Sharmell, but, by God, shut up. Come on.

We see one last shot of the chair shot that damn near killed Rey. What a chair shot. There’s a reason they don’t do them like that anymore.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I’m going to say Paul London because not only was it the best match of the card, but he took a fair pounding.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was pish and other than that, the only woman was Queen Sharmell, who was fantastic. So she gets it. The best woman in the PPV was the one who didn’t even compete. What does that tell you?

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Queen Sharmell!

Best Spot: Irish whip to catapult to superkick combo from Carlito, Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro.

Hatches: Jamie Noble, Kid Kash, William Regal, Fat Matt Hardy, Ashley Massaro, Michelle McCool, Mr. Kennedy, Batista.

Matches: King Booker defeated Rey Mysterio to begin is one and only World Heavyweight Championship title reign. Both Paul London and Brian Kendrick retained their WWE Tag Team Championship belts and Final retained his WWE United States Championship.

Dispatches: Simon Dean, Kid Kash.

Closing Statements: Another SmackDown! event where not much happens and it’s all quite embarrassing. I am completely okay with matches that experiment with style, such as the Punjabi Prison match, but anyone with half a brain would look at that and say, “Yeah, this won’t work. This sucks.”

On the Card will return on August 20 with the WWE PPV Summerslam 2006.

RUTHLESS AGGRESSION ERA #3.ECW ONE NIGHT STAND 2006 (June 11, 2006) PART 1

Ruthless Aggression #3: ECW One Night Stand – June 11, 2006

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 11, 2006, the PPV ECW One Night Stand aired. It was an ECW PPV, obviously, and was meant to capitalise on the popularity of Extreme/Eastern Championship Wrestling from the early nineties to early 2000s. Honestly, ECW represented some dark side of wrestling for me. When I started watching wrestling, it was so cartoony that I never really realised that the guys could be fighting for real so it came as no news to me that it was scripted. ECW, however, was something primal, barbaric even. It seemed like those men wished each other harm. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

ECW One Night Stand 2006

Still no tagline this time around, owing to the fact that the Fed still thought only Raw was worth it. Still, the poster is pretty boss. We see old Rob Van Dam there jumping off a ladder like a ninja, briefcase in hand. Business ninja.

Show opens with the crowd in the Hammerstein Ballroom, New York, screaming an, “ECW! ECW!” chant. Music hits and out comes Paul E. Dangerously AKA Paul Heyman. He’s got the suit on underneath the trenchcoat, hat on top, ponytail hanging out the back. ?The crowd are loving it and Paul is swaggering about the place, bowing to the fans in the balcony and waving at everyone else.

Paul E. cuts a promo scathing ECW hardcore vs. WWE superstars. He spits on the mic, too. Pretty yucky, Paul. Paul then goes on to say that they have a global audience now and that they will show that audience where it all started. Bit silly to say that, seeing as ECW started in 1992 and closed in 2001, fourteen and five years previous to the PPV, respectively. Still, a nice line. He gets a, “thank you, Paul E.” chant. Big pop for the fact that they’re on PPV and on Sci-Fi for the ECW television show. That was another shitshow and that’s besides the point. Paul tells the crowd that the only reason they are there is because of the fans. He then thanks each and every one, individually.

Close up shot on the “If Cena Wins, We Riot” sign. Oh come on, Cena isn’t all that bad, guys. He can be hardcore, too.

Paul E. does the old, “This is better than Monday Night RAW, this is better than Friday Night Smackdown. Welcome to the rebirth of ECW!” routine and we cut to some dodgy CGI and 90’s reverb. Kind of makes you miss ECW, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing.

The song for this evening is “Bodies” by Drowning Pool, which is amazing.

Hammerstein Ballroom, New York. 2, 460 fans cram into the room to shout and throw things. Small numbers, better crowd, but it is clear that no one at the Fed could care less about this PPV. Joey Styles is on the announcer’s mic. No Spanish announcers, no Star Spangled Banner, this is low-budget as all hell and can either be the best thing ever or a shitshow.

I appreciate Styles’ skill on the mic. The ability to call a match on your own is remarkable and makes it feel like a real sporting event as opposed to a scripted professional wrestling match. The lack of colour commentator means that storylines and motivation don’t go over as easily, but that is a small price to pay. Let’s see how long before his nasal tone drains me.

Tazz! It’s Tazz! Out he comes, covered in smoke, swaggering down to the ring. His name is spelled with both Z’s but a closeup on a fan’s sight shows the original “Taz” spelling. His original music, “Survive if I let you,” plays, which isn’t as threatening as his WWF theme with the heart beating. He’s wearing a towel on his head and looks like hell. He’s not wearing any ring gear at all, stands in the corner, frowns and crosses his arms.

Jerry comes out, heeling it up like a motherfucker. His comedy heel tactics will not go over here. The crowd tell him that he sucks dick. He then goes over and slaps Joey Styles in the most worked announcer attack ever. Something happens during the announcement and the mic goes quiet.

Tazz def. Jerry “the King” Lawler via submission in 35 seconds.

Joey is in the ring as soon as the bell rings and jumps on Jerry’s back. He is knocked off and Jerry goes for the piledriver. Tazz grapples Jerry from behind, applies the Tazzmission and my favourite spot hits as the ref raises Jerry’s hand and drops it once… twice… thrice? That’s it? Match over? Oh fuck.

2016 comments:

Oh, we are off to a great fucking start.

2006 comments:

I’m sorry, I was looking away. What happened?

Grade: F

What was the purpose here? To put ECW over by handing Tazz a simple win? This is the ECW crowd! Don’t give them a thirty-five second match! The pop wasn’t even a pop, it was a confused grunt. Pish.

Cut to Joey who is making a big deal of checking his jaw. It’s fine though and, unfortunately, he continues to talk. He introduces the WWE vs. ECW extravaganza where the Raw, Smackdown and ECW battle royale ended with Randy Orton and The Big Show being the only who guys left. Big Show removed his Raw shirt to reveal that he, like Bruce Willis in the 6th Sense (spoiler alert) was with ECW all along. Then, just like Bruce Willis, he throws Randy Orton out of the ring and lifts Kurt Angle into the air.

Cut to Cena vs. Sabu. Sabu scares me. Cena is willing when Big Show pops in again and fucks it up for everyone.

Wait! Tazz is back at the commentary desk. Out comes Randy Orton. My God, he looks fantastic. I’m not a huge Orton fan, but this is my favourite Randy moment. He’s walking down the aisle and this kid leans out and gives him a punch on the arm. Randy stops, spins around, realises that the kid is about twelve, has a few words and as he’s walking away, mutters, “punk motherfucker,” to himself. The kid’s dad is so proud. Like, super proud of his son.

Now, Randy is not an amazing wrestler, though his RKO process is stuff of legend. He is killing it with his slow walk down to the ring, however. The crowd hate him. He is everything ECW is not. He strolls into the ring, hits his Legend Killer pose and then flirts with the crowd for a while. Fair play to him.

Tazz and Joey keep saying that Randy Orton looks out of place. Of course he does. Man has no scars on his face. He pops up on the turnbuckle and gets his pyro. Not one person in the audience is happy about seeing him. He’s really pantomiming his way through the intro.

Kurt gets his introduction before his music hits, which is probably just to remind the crowd that now Kurt is an ECW guy, just like The Big Show, despite the fact that neither of them worked in ECW before now. Angle comes out, his gumshield in. He gets a huge pop and a massive round of applause for being Kurt Angle. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kurt. Christ, if his music came on during an anti-American angle of any kind (like Rusev dissing the yanks), I would shit my pants.

Nice “Fuck ‘em up, Angle, fuck ‘em up!” chant gets started and the bell rings

Kurt Angle def. Randy Orton via submission in 15:07.

Randy circles Angle in an attempt to get away from the Olympic champion and catch him unawares. Considering the fact that Angle can’t turn his damn neck, I’m surprised that Orton isn’t able to sidestep him. Kayfabe or no kayfabe, though, this is Kurt fucking Angle. If you’ve read his book, you know that the man is hella serious about wrestling. Not professional wrestling, actual honest-to-God wrasslin’.

Randy tolls out of the ring and gets super booed for it. Test of strength and Angle goes for Orton’s leg, going for the ankle lock. Orton crawls out of the ring to get away from Angle. “Angle’s gonna kill you!” chant rises. A “Fuck you, Orton,” chant is created shortly thereafter. Angle gets Orton is a headlock, he escapes, Irish whips Angle and gets another headlock. Randy escapes again. The crowd call him a pussy.

Angle lifts Orton for a suplex and slaps him about the head for a while. Bear in mind that Angle was in the Olympics only ten years before this match. He’s still got it. Angle points to his neck, telling Randy, “come get it, first one is free.” Randy goes for the headlock and is knocked back. He goes again and again and is backdropped for his effort. Angle roars for a bit and the crowd chant, “ECW! ECW!”

Angle goes to shoulder barge Orton in the corner but Randy moves at the last second. Orton takes over for a while and the already slow pace crawls to a stop before Angle lifts Orton up and slams him back down. Orton knocks him down with an elbow and gets a two count. The crowd chant, “Go fuck Cena!” and Orton is clearly pissed. Crowd tell Orton, “You can’t wrestle!”

Angle gets on top of Orton and there are a few two-counts. The crowd start mixing chants for a while. Orton gets Angle in a headlock and the crowd get bored. All in all, the match has been very technical and not very exciting. The fans just want to see Randy get his fuck kicked in. Angle teases German suplexes twice before finally hitting Orton with one and getting an, “ECW! ECW!” chant for his effort. Both men are up and at ‘em and Angle hits Orton with three German suplexes in a row before attempting the Angle Slam. Orton hits Angle with a great dropkick but the crowd say, “Fuck you, Orton.”

Angle explodes up and hits the Angle Slam but it only gets a two count. He goes for the ankle lock but Randy escapes and hits him with a brutal neckbreaker. Only gets a two-count though. Randy does his weird snake crawl, looking for the RKO. He goes for it, is rejected and goes to the top rope. Randy Orton has no top rope moves. Why is he going to the top rope? To be belly-to-belly suplexed by Angle of course! Angle and Orton scramble at the top of the turnbuckle and Orton hits him with a crossbody before hitting a clothesline and going for another RKO. Again, it is rejected and Angle goes for the ankle lock. Orton has nowhere to go and taps out.

2016 comments:

An okay match, actually. The start was technical and the rest was professional, so a nice clean cut between the two styles. For my sins, I like both these guys; Orton because he’s a great heel and Angle because he’s Kurt fucking Angle.

2006 comments:

Actually, I might have watched ECW if it was more like this and less light tubes being ground into people’s eyes.

Grade: B

Angle celebrates for a while and he is so over, which is really weird considering that he’s never professionally wrestled anywhere but in the Fed. Tazz tells Angle to go back to Raw where he belongs. Randy wants two men to come out to help him be carried back to the locker room. The crowd call him a pussy and he waves at them, saying, “my fans! They’re my fans!”

What a total bastard.

Shot of New York and the FBI’s music hits. Big Guido is huge and is a legit 6 foot 9. He does, however, have a face like a handbag. Tazz takes the time to tell us which one is Little Guido (red), which one is Marmaluke (green) and which one is Big Guido (tall fucker). Big pop as Super Crazy and Tajiri come out. Both are looking great. Tazz loves Tajiri’s style and the crowd chant “Welcome back” to him.

The Full Blooded Italians [FBI] (Little Guido Maritato and Tony Marmaluke) w/ Big Guido def. Yoshihiro Tajiri and Super Crazy via pinfall in 12:24.

Bell goes and we have Crazy and Marmaluke arm toss each other. Tazz and Styles make Italian jokes like pricks. Tazz is from Brooklyn and is Sicilian, fair enough, but he doesn’t do any of this shit around the other wrestlers. You never hear him talking about Kurt Angle and dropping some recipes for pasta or whatever. Tajiri jumps in and gets a pop for it. He looks bored otherwise. Crazy and Marmaluke do some sweet chain wrestling. Styles and Tazz talk about how long it is to fly to Japan. The crowd chant either, “Nacho Libre!” or “Macho Libre!” and Tazz lets on that it’s advertising.

Crazy hits a fucking great Bob Backlund backdrop on Marmalike and then a super-high X-Factor. Tajiri and Little Guido come in. The crowd start chanting, “ECW! ECW!” Tajiri goes for the tiltawhirl backbreaker but Little Guido reverses into an armbar. This is a great match and Tajiri makes it better by spitting at Maraluke from the centre of the ring. He gets Little Guido into a tree of woe. Maramluke comes in and Crazy dropkicks him before getting Marmaluke into a tree of woe on the opposite turnbuckle. Stereo baseball slides and a two-count as Tajiri gives Little Guido the most disrespectful of all tea-bagged pins.

Crazy kicks ass for a while and hits the sweetest pair of moonsaults – one from Bret’s rope and the other to the outside from the apron. Big Guido starts beating on him and a cover by Little Guido is broken up by Tajiri. Marmaluke is Irish whipped into the ropes and when Crazy lifts him up, he holds onto the leg, dropping Marmaluke facefirst onto the mat. It looks super dangerous. Loads of submissions follow.

Tajiri dropkicks Little Guido’s knee and kicks Marmaluke in the face to save Crazy from the pin. Joey says that one of the boys is 5 foot 7 and has size 12 feet. “God Bless his wife. Walking with a limp.”

Tajiri has a great bunch of moves on Guido followed by a spinning hell kick and close pin. Tajiri gets Marmaluke in some mental spinning head scissors submission before springboarding off the ropes and hitting them both. Great superkick by Tajiri. Double Irish whip, do-se-do followed by a stereo Tarantula. Big Guido comes in and is beat on by Tajiri and Crazy. The FBI do a double clothesline on their opponents. Crazy is kicked into the crowd and the FBI double fisherman Tajiri for the pin in 12:24.

2016 comments:

Fucking great match. Spotfest, but a good spotfest. God love these men.

2006 comments:

No psychology and I don’t know these men but I want to see more.

Grade: A

Then the fucking Big Show comes out. The crowd are not unhappy about this, but Big Guido and the Big Show square off and both teams attempt to attack him. He dodges a Crazy lariat, bag breakers Marmaluke and throws him about like a ragdoll. Music hits and he leaves again. What was the point again?

Cut to Joey Styles and Tazz bigging up the two big matches when Cunt JBL appears. He’s on the balcony and he’s not in his wrestling gear. The crowd tell him that he sucks dick, which he does because he is a cunt. He says that he sees no women in the audience and that the audience are thus fruits. He then boasts about busting the Blue Meanie up in the previous year’s One Night Stand 2005.

Straight-up shoot fact: JBL and Blue Meanie had a big of heat, mostly because JBL is a backstage bully and hazes new guys and being stiff in the ring. Some of the stories are funny, some are great justice and some of them are just cruel. Kurt Angle’s autobiography “It’s True, It’s True” details a match on Sunday Night Heat where the APA beat seven shades of shite out of Public Enemy. If you watch the match, it is short, brutal and to the point. The Blue Meanie situation was different. Meanie was saying things about JBL on the internet, apparently in character, and the Texan took offence to it and opened some stitches on his head. There is a reason I call him Cunt JBL and that is because he is a cunt.

The crowd shout, “Booooring!” and he boasts about being a bully and that nothing happened to him for being this way. The audience tell him to shut the fuck up. JBL bigs up Vince and JBL threatens Tazz. JBL calls the audience geeks and they call him an asshole. He says, “You paid to see me. I didn’t pay to see you,” and Tazz says, “He wasn’t even advertised!” JBL says he is the voice of Smackdown, the “A” show, which is bullshit. JBL tells the audience to kiss his ass and that the show sucks.

Our ring announcer Stephen DeAngelis announces that the next match will be contested under Extreme Rules!

Music hits and out comes Sabu. The crowd pops for him. He is so badly scarred, he looks like hell but also looks fantastic. He’s like an anime character. Then comes Rey. Big pyro, no pop. He hugs kids and babyfaces it up. Rey was actually in ECW for a while, so he should have a bigger pop for that, but then it is revealed that he had turned down an offer for ECW from our man Paul Heyman.

Lights come up and the introductions begin. Both men have chairs. Homicidal, suicidal, genocidal Sabu gets a pop. Rey gets boos and looks upset about it. “Fuck ‘em up, Sabu, fuck ‘em up!” chant rises. The ref gets both men to drop their chairs and rings the bell.

Extreme Rules Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Sabu. Match ended in no contest in 9:10.

Tazz pronounces coffee as “cawfeee”. Sabu goes for Rey’s knee and, amazingly, it doesn’t blow out. Rey looks so smooth and perfect next to Sabu. Duelling chairs to start off with and Sabu flips Rey in the air, sets up a chair and goes for Air Sabu but Rey falls forward and misses the chair shot. Rey then hits Sabu with a hurricanrana off the chair. Sabu denies him a 619 and cracks him in the face with a chair. It sounds brutal. Sabu sets up the table on the apron over to the ring edge. Sabu rolls into the ring, sets up the chair and goes to jump but Rey moves. Sabu takes an awful looking drop to the floor. Rey wastes no time in moonsaulting for the two-count.

Rey cracks Sabu a punch and gets caught between the top two ropes. Sabu does a great leg drop off the top rope to Rey’s neck but no pin. He then does another leg drop while holding a chair, moving the chair below his arse to get some sort of chair leg drop combo. No dice so the maniac runs out, sets up a ladder and is swiftly kicked on it by Rey. Mysterio then jumps from the top rope, hitting Sabu in the face with his balls. Sabu looks hurt, is twisting and stretching his arm as the ref throws up the X. Rey holds his balls and slides back into the ring.

It’s Rey’s turn to hit the leg drop on Sabu. He Irish whips the maniac into the corner and goes for another jump-off-the-chair spot but Sabu jumps. Rey tries to reverse into a moonsault but Sabu moves off and springboards off the ropes for a butt-bump of his own. The crowd chants for Sabu, as if he is the only man in the match. He then does a great moonsault and goes for the leg-drop-chair-shot (the Atomic Arabian Face Buster, according to the announcers) but misses. Mysterio sits Sabu in the chair and goes to hit him again but Sabu misses for the second ball-shot of the match. Sabu just throws the chair at Rey with a huge crack. Sabu sets Rey up on the table and jumps at him, DDTing him in the air through the fucking table. Lads come out to see them, both men are in huge amounts of pain and a lad in a necktie stops the match in 9:10.

2016 comments:

Absolutely brutal. Very scary match. Rey and Sabu do not have the best safety record because they’re both mental.

2006 comments:

Christ of almighty, is this ECW? I might actually like it.

Grade: C

Crowd call bullshit, the bloody bastards. Both men are apparently getting taken to the hospital. Sabu is rolling everywhere, unable to stand, seemingly. He gets applause though.

On the Card will return on June 18th with the second and final part of  ECW One Night Stand 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #2. Judgment Day 2006 (May 21, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Judgment Day 2006 had a great Booker T and Bobbly Lashley match. Everything is looking great.

Then Khali appears. Fuck everything about this.

The promo package bigs up the Undertaker a lot, as if he needs it. The man is a legend. Then comes Khali, a man who is quite tall, has a great big chest but only slaps Taker. We see Khali absolutely murdering everyone around him including Rey Mysterio, a very short man. Khali roars for a bit, making himself looks bestial in a… special way. He is not threatening in as much as you feel sorry for him.

His Titantron video is awful. It’s Khali’s face with flame in his eyes. Khali looks a bit like Roman Reigns, only with a bit of talent. The camera is all low-slung to make Khali look huge, not that he needs it. Big pause waiting for our man Taker. Then the bells toll, the lights go out and the crowd pops. Smoke everywhere as the Undertaker takes his stroll to the ring, avoiding the pyro this time. Maggle asks if the Undertaker’s spirit has been broken. Of course not. The man deals with death all the time. And you always need an undertaker. It’s good work. Even if the wrestling slows down, he can still bury people.

He enters the ring after about an hour or so. Him and Khali give each other a big, long look, stand toe to toe to show how much taller Khali is. The bell rings, finally.

The Great Khali w/Daivari def. The Undertaker via pinfall in 08:31.

I am tempted to write “it was shite” and be done with it, because even my memory, destroyed by age and video games, can remember this shitshow. There was a time when the Undertaker was a powerful force within the Fed, when he would fight the biggest and best. Mankind. Trips. Stone Cold. The Rock. Kane. All those men had mad skills, or at least had some in-ring ability when they faced the Phenom, but Khali… He looked the part, kind of, but was really nothing to write home about otherwise.

Taker dodges a punch and starts wailing on Khali. He gets thrown through the ropes like a damn ragdoll and takes his time going back into the ring. Khali winds up a shot with a pantomime spin of his fist. Undertaker once again dodges it and wails on Khali, only to be thrown through the ropes. The Undertaker gets back in, is stopped on the apron and gives Khali a stunner. He’s back in the ring, back in control and goes for an Old School, but Khali throws him off the top rope halfway across the ring. Khali is beating weakly on Taker, who is selling each punch like a chairshot. “Taker! Taker!” chant rises. Khali kicks and punches and clotheslines Taker. Khali walks outside and strolls about like a man who forgot his deodorant. Daivari is on the apron, distracting the ref, then jumps down to kick Taker for a while. Khali lumbers over to taker, keeping an eye on the ref, bodyslams Undertaker, makes a chopping signal with his hand, hits Undertaker, puts the foot on his chest and gets the two-count to minimal applause. Undertaker does his sit-up thing and beats on Khali some more.

Mean Mark is getting a decent amount of offense in and goes for another Old School, hitting it almost perfectly. Boxing jabs from Taker, but Khali barely moves. Undertaker dodges the clothesline, hits Khali with a jumping punch and Khali gets wrapped in the ropes. Daivari jumps in, distracts the ref and releases Khali. Taker goes for the clothesline, fails, and gets a boot from Khali for his effort. He sits up, gets another chop and a boot for the pin in 8:31.

2016 comments:

There was once a time when this was considered a good idea. There will never be a time when this would be considered a good match.

2006 comments:

Go away, Khali.

Grade: D.

Recap of the “best moments” of the match, which include a kick, a punch and a push through the ropes. Crap, crap, crap.

Promo for See No Evil, featuring Kane. We’ve all seen it, no point in recapping it.

The Phoenix Suns are also in the audience.

JBL vs. Rey Mysterio promo showing our man Rey defeating Angle and Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship. Rey tells us that he’s loving every minute of his reign. Real babyface stuff. JBL heels it up, looking up at JBL, Mark Henry, Khali and Kane every attack being ineffective against the giants. JBL is a real cunt at the best of times, but now he’s being a supercunt. Of course you want Rey to win. He’s great.

JBL’s music hits and he comes out in his limo. It has cow horns on the front of it. Cow moos play through his theme music. JBL is the US champion and is not defending it tonight. He is also billed from New York, even though he has a super Texan accent. He calls for Rey to come out and shouts at the ref, as if it’s his fault. Finally, Rey’s music hits and the crowd pops so loud. Down he walks to the ring, weird croupier visor on, like he’s about to play a game of Hold ‘em in the ring.

Rey’s wife is in attendance and he goes to give her a wee kiss. Angie is a lovely woman and they are very much in love. Good man yourself, Rey. Maggle calls Rey “the greatest underdog in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment.” JBL is a little on the fat side here, which makes him all the more unlikeable, somehow.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Rey Mysterio (c) def. John Bradshaw Layfield via pinfall in 15:56.

JBL pushes Rey to the floor and he springs up in a second. Very threatening. The crowd are chanting “619!” which is nice, but Rey is getting a lot of pushes from JBL. It looks like a child fighting a man, which is fine, but at no point do I think that fat JBL can be beaten by Rey. And Rey isn’t a tiny man, he’s pretty well-built and strong. JBL smacks on Rey’s back and, knowing JBL, they are as stiff as Val Venis. JBL is thrown into the ropes and Rey goes for the 619 but JBL moves away. Rey mounts the apron and hits JBL with a seated senton.

In the ring, Rey gets three fast two-counts in a matter of seconds. Rey will never be able to lift JBL us, so relies on strikes during his offensive segments. He gets JBL in the corner and baseball slides into JBL’s balls. He should be disqualified for that, or at least get booed for using heel moves, but he doesn’t. JBL gets Rey with a big boot and throws him into the steel ring steps, still clutching his JBLets. JBL throws Rey into the ring and the crowd chant for another 619, even though Rey is not in control at all. Very slow pace now. JBL makes some move for Rey’s wife. Bad show. Pin in the ring, but Rey kicks it.

JBL does an Eddie-style triple-suplex, dances like Eddie and is a general bastard. Rey is bust and JBL goes to Angie again, harassing her. Nice fallaway slam, though, JBL can do some decent moves when he’s facing someone who is, essentially, a child. JBL hits some nice old clotheslines and makes a kissy face towards Angie. Ref starts to count Rey out, who is super bust underneath his mask. As soon as he gets to his feet, JBL boots and pins him. Very close two-count.

Rey starts to get some offense in but is stopped by JBL’s eye poke. Maggle and Tazz wonder where the blood is coming from and how Rey got bust. Bradshaw gets Mysterio in a choke hold and my favourite spot comes up where the ref lifts and drops his hand three times. Before the third, Bradshaw goes for the pin and Rey kicks out to a thunderous pop. Rey is lifted up to the turnbuckle and fights back, only to hit a messy moonsault on JBL when he gets up. Once again, Mysterio is in control with a combination of kicks, lariats and strikes. He goes to jump on Bradshaw in the corner, but Bradshaw’s boot finds Rey’s nuts.

Rey takes control again, gets Bradshaw on the ropes and hits the 619. He goes for the springboard crossbody and hits the ref instead. JBL takes advantage, hitting Rey with a powerbomb, calling for a second ref and Rey kicks out. JBL goes mental, gets a chair and gets a boot from Rey for his trouble. 619 followed by Eddie-style frog splash and Rey gets the pin in 15:56.

2016 comments:

Despite my hate for JBL, he puts on a good show here being a total bastard. He’s a real old-school heel and he is very good at it. It’s not that I dislike JBL because of his heel antics, I dislike him because his in-ring persona is so similar to his out-of-ring persona. Rey is exactly the same, however, where his character is like how Rey is in real life – lovely and cuddly.

2006 comments:

That doesn’t make sense. Sure JBL’s twice the height and about three times the weight of Rey.

Grade: B.

Chavo Jr. pops into the ring to celebrate with Rey as we see the highlights. Rey looks fucked, properly damaged from that bust head. He won’t be getting many kisses tonight, anyways.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I know this is going to be controversial, but Benoit. He was a great man in that twenty-by-twenty squared circle.

Woman of the Matches: Sharmell, without a doubt. I know she didn’t actually wrestle, but she did a far better job than either Jillian or Melina.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Chris Benoit.

Best Spot: The Mark Henry faceplant onto the announcer’s table.

Hatches: Technically all of the wrasslers in the PPV are hatches as they appear for the first time on this blog, but none are legit hatches as they have wrestled in the Fed before now. Still, I will name them thusly: Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, Melina, Chris Benoit, Finlay, Jillian Hall, Gregory Helms, Super Crazy, Mark Henry, Kurt Angle, Booker T, Bobby Lasley, The Great Khali, The Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, JBL. The managers were Sharmell and Daivari with Crystal on interviews. Hitler Moustache Maggle Cole and Sunglasses Inside Tazz were announcers with Tony Chimel as ring announcer. Teddy Long was the General Manager.

Matches: Paul London and Brian Kendrick wins MNM’s WWE Tag Team Championship title and both Gregory Helms and Rey Mysterio retain. Booker T is the 2006 King of the Ring.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: Obviously not as good as the previous PPV, the Smackdown branded ones tended to be a bit weaker. Considering the depth of the roster, however, a lot of the matches were weak and felt like filler.

On the Card will return on June 11 with the ECW PPC One Night Stand 2006.