Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on December 3, 2006, the second and final December to Dismember aired. It was an ECW PPV, utilising the new (and soon to be defunct) ECW brands, the first of its kind since One Night Stand back in June. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

December to Dismember 2006

You better watch out…

Oh, here we go, back to taglines. Nice. This cover shows Sandman’s arm peeking out of a chimney, holding his Singapore sticks with blood on the snow to spell ECW. is like one of those Christmas-themed horror movies like Jack Frost or Silent Night, Deadly Night… in fact, the cover seems to parody that film! The cheek of these cover designers.

There is no ye olde wrasslin’ video. Instead, we are shown the elimination chamber along with the edict, “Six men will enter… knowing they will suffer the unimaginable…” and the Elimination Chamber is shown as some kind of super-hell-in-a-cell. And no other match is advertised. We just have the main event and I should mention that the wrestlers in the main event are Bobby Lashely (yay), ECW Champ The Big Show (eeey), CM Punk (now, yay, but back then, eh?) Sabu (well, someone’s going to die), RVD (Okay!) and Test (oh Christ)? I mean, come on.

Big Christmas coloured pyro in the ECW presented December to Dismember 2006. The place is the James Brown (get down!) Arena in Augusta, Georgia and with a tiny 4,800 fans in the place with only 90,000 PPV buys (the lowest buyrate in Fed history), this is due to be a great, great, great clusterfuck. Bear in mind that only two matches were advertised before the PPV – the Elimination Chamber main event and the Hardy Boys vs. MNM. So stoked, though, right?

Our commentary team is the annoying Joey Styles and Tazz with two Z’s. One of the best things about this PPV is that the theme tune is fucking Bodies by Drowning Pool. Tazz tells us that the Elimination Chamber is ten tons of steel. Good Lord. Who cares about them, though, when we have the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera, once again forgets the announcer’s names and Savinovich does an awesome tongue roll because the man is a hero.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Stevie Richards and René Duprée. It is unknown how long it lasted.)

MNM’s music hits and… wait, didn’t you guys split up? They are wearing fluffy jackets with LED signs on the side that scroll through some words that no one sees. Melina is really hamming it up this evening, kissing and dancing and looking just like the ecstasy dropped before she walked into the arena. Good woman yourself.

Hardy’s music hits and the pair get a bit of a pop for their entrance as… Team Extreme? What? Since when? And the title says “The Hardys”. Make up your mind, boys. Joey says that both teams plan on splitting up again after this evening. So it’s like a Bizarro team-up. Right. That makes sense.

The Hardys (Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy) def. MNM (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)) via pin in 22:33.

Let’s get right into it. Tazz is being a pervert, as usual. He’s the Jerry Lawler of ECW. Lots of hugs between Joey and fat Matt in some sort of test of strength. Tazz considers that Mercury and Nitro may be related. What an odd thing to say. Weird announcers. A bit of scrapping and everyone runs into the ring to square off. The ref tells them off and the crowd chant for the Hardys. Matt and Joey tie up again and Mercury is thrown into the corner with Jeff tagging in. Lovely arm drag and knee drop before fat Matt comes in and Joey escapes to tag in Nitro. Big boos from the crowd and Jeff comes in, botching a jump over the rope like the dumb guy he is. Double clothesline from the Hardys and senton drop. Mercury comes in and they do an odd double team where they lift him from his back to… backdrop him. Nitro takes over and Mercury is tagged in as Melina screams because fuck Melina.

Jeff is trapped in the corner and Nitro hits a lovely elbow drop and standing shooting star press that misses as fat Matt comes in, hitting Nitro with a super sit-out-powerbomb. Mercury runs in and in the confusion, Melina pulls on Matt’s leg. Matt goes after her but gets a clothesline for his effort. MNM hit a doubleteam gutbuster on Matt. The ref is distracted and Melina hits the head-scissors on Matt to which Tazz says, “Hellooooo!” Melina screams again as MNM hit a double facebuster on Matt. We’re really gearing up for the hot tag here. MNM hit a double stalling suplex but Matt lands it and double-neckbreakers the bastards. As he goes for the hot tag, MNM fight back. MNM hit a Poetry in Motion as Melina screams once again. Mercury goes for the Twist of Fate but is countered. Hot tag and Jeff comes in.

Jeff predictably cleans house, hitting all the bases before Nitro pounces in to break the count but gets a lovely sit-out suplex. Suicide dives to the outside from Matt, Nitro and then Jeff. The crowd chant “ECW! ECW!” even though none of these men are ECW boys. Matt hits Poetry in Motion but MNM roll out of the way before Jeff can hit the Swanton. Melina screams. Nitro hits the springboard dropkick and fails to get the pin. Jeff is being beaten on in the corner and MNM hit the double catapult into the turnbuckle. It is followed by a long stretch from Nitro. Tazz says, “Simple but good.” Because he’s an idiot. Nitro hits some strange spinneroony leg drop and some punches are traded mid-ring. Matt comes in and as the ref is distracted, Melina and Nitro beat on Jeff. Mercury is tagged in and a pin gets nothing. A second and a third get nothing either. Mercury hits the backbreaker and Nitro does the springboard elbow. A lovely sunset flip by Jeff and Nitro Aloha-Arns for a bit before tagging in Mercury. The match has slowed down to a crawl.

Mercury has Jeff in a crossface and Jeff fights back. A rollup is so strong that when Jeff hits out, Mercury is thrown from the ring. He turns to Jeff and drags him off the apron and Nitro is back in the match with Jeff. Another double-team catapult but Jeff stops it, top-rope moonsaults and gets the hot tag to Matt. Matt cleans house as much as he can, hitting a bulldog and catching Nitro on the way down. Two Side-Effects followed by a pin attempt. Bret’s rope leg drop gets nothing so Jeff is tagged in and Nitro is picked up for a powerbomb. Mercury pushes his tag team partner up which forces the hurricanrana! Jeff is down and a pin attempt fails to keep him out. Nitro goes to the top rope but Jeff is up and all four men are in with MNM on the turnbuckles. The Hardy’s hit stereo superplexes. Tazz sings the theme song. Melina is distracting the ref and as Jeff goes to chastise her, Nitro hits the dropkick, missing Jeff and hitting Melina. MNM hit the Snapshot but Matt breaks it up. He is removed from the ring and MNM turn to Jeff, attempting a superSnapshot but Matt jumps in with the double neckbreaker and a Swanton on top of both members on MNM. Jeff hits the pin and the Hardys win in 22:33.

2016 comments:

Bit of a spotfest, but a lovely spotfest nonetheless.

2006 comments:

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss MNM.

Grade: A

The Hardys leave and we see replays of the best spots of the match. Melina looks legit hurt but the camera doesn’t hang around enough to show any blood.

Back to the announcers and both men drag themselves through the script, screwing it up wherever they can.

Cut to prerecorded footage of RVD understanding that the Elimination Chamber is a tough match. It isn’t as tough as any other match, they’re just being fools.

Matt Striker’s music hits and down he comes to the ring, shaking his head at the swearing of the crowd. Striker has the mic, which is where he should be. He makes fun of Balls Mahoney, the awful “wrestler” who is a parody of what ECW used to be. Matt tells us that he has a responsibility to all of us to restore order. He asks the official to enforce the following rules: no gouging of the eyes, no pulling of the hair, no manoeuvres off the top rope and, most importantly, no foul language. Fair play, Matt. This is a Striker’s rules match.

Balls comes down. He has class music. He’s a shit wrestler, but he’s a great showman. Matt has a picture of his own face on his arse. Pantastic.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls, whose real name was Jon Rechner, sadly died on April 12, 2016 at the age of 44 of a heart attack, yet another performer in wrestling who left us too soon. Despite my personal feelings for Balls as a wrestler and performer, it is a tragedy for anyone to lose a life. He passed away enjoying himself – watching Jeopardy and answering questions on the couch – and is survived by his wife Gayle and his son Christopher.

Striker’s Rules match: Malls Mahoney def. Matt Striker via pin in 07:12.

Bell goes and Balls is discussing things with Balls. There is a test of strength where Balls wins. The announcers tell us that Balls has an accomplished amateur wrestling career. Balls botches a jump over Striker and attempts the armbar but Stiker breaks it on the bottom rope. Striker is having pants trouble at the moment. Another test of strength is called but Striker beats on him, bouncing his head off the turnbuckle, reversing an Irish Whip and hitting an armbar on Balls, which he botches. Striker is doing things differently and it works. Striker actually pulls on Ball’s hair, though.

Striker hits more arm-based moves and Tazz calls Striker effeminate. Nice, Tazz. Keep it classy. Bit of an armbar city over here with Striker having a good long hold of some Balls. The announcers keep telling us how smart Matt is and how he is working on Balls’ arm. A run to the corner is stopped with a boot to the face but Matt gets another armbar on. The crowd chant his name each time Mahoney has offence, but it is never for too long. Mahoney goes to the top rope, but that is clearly against the rules so the ropes are shaken and Balls falls. Great rolling armbar and Balls is held there until he can break hold by grabbing the ropes. Great back drop and a bunch of knockdown strikes followed by a back body drop and Mortal Kombat Strikes, each with a “Balls!” from the crowd. Balls hits the spinebuster and pins Matt in 7:12.

2016 comments:

Not amazing, but a good comedy match with a weak ending.

2006 comments:

I can never get enough of Matt Striker being hurt

Grade: B

Backstage, we see CM Punk punching the air. Sabu, however, has been hurt in an unseen attack. It appears that he will not be taking part tonight. In comes our favourite Jew, Paul E. Dangerously, who rambles for a while and looks on helplessly. The Elimination Chamber is down to five. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!” knowing that it is, indeed, bullshit.

Old Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay come out to the ring with their towels and angry faces. Both of them have “Terkay” on the back of their tracksuit tops. I love the gimmick of legit sportspersons and having cornermen. It makes it seem more like the wrestlers are taking themselves seriously.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Elijah Burke used to be an officer in Jacksonville but would segue into wrestling through boxing. He had an impressive 98-1/103-1 win/loss record (depends on whether you ask Club 5, Club Plush or WWE themselves) and could not pull his punches in the ring so never threw worked punches. Sylvester Terkay is just as impressive, being a 5-time NCAA Boxing Champion, a 4-time NCAA National Heavyweight Champion and has the honour of being named number one Gaijin during his time in Japan.

Double Trouble Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls Mahoney was the evil Xanta Klaus in In Your House 5: Seasons Beatings… and Sylvester Terkay was Santa Imposter during an episode of In the House. Facts!

Elijah has the mic and gets heat from the crowd for smiling and talking about himself. He says that, “like a wild animal in heat, we will leave our mark!” which is a nice way of saying that they’re going to pee everywhere.

Out come the FBI (Full Blooded Italians), Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke with Trinity, who is a woman.

Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay def. The FBI (Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke) (w/ Trinity) via pin in 6:41.

The bell goes and Elijah is in the ring with his hat still on. Little Guido gets a quick full-nelson slam followed by Elijah spinning on him and slapping his face. Guido is not happy. Elijah is still wearing his hat. Guido gives Elijah the drop-toe hold, steals his hat, hits the armbar and tags in Tony Mamaluke. Tony drags Elijah about, tags in Guido and they hit the double elbow-drop. Tony is back in but gets knocked back before Sylvester gets in, beating on Tony in the corner, who slaps him back. A powerful Irish Whip is reversed and as the FBI attempt to double team Sylvester, he takes over, catching Guido mid-air, doing the big boot on Sylvester and chucking Guido out. The crowd reply with, “You still suck!”

Elijah comes in and there’s some headlock city going on there in the middle of the ring. Guido fights back, is thrown into the corner with Terkay and the Man-Bear is tagged in to delivery an amazing kick to Guido. MMA training, brah. Terkay Irish whips Guido into the corner and then does the same to Elijah. More headlock city from Elijah and Guido. Guido escapes, tags in Tony, who starts gaining momentum, but is stopped when Terkay comes in. The FBI double team Terkay and double flapjack Elijah. A close pin attempt. Elijah throws Tony into Terkay’s fist and hits the Elijah Experience for the pin in 6:41.

2016 comments:

Good half a match that finished too early.

2006 comments:

Terkay is the weak link in this match but was used well. Not a bad match.

Grade: B

Terkay hits the Muscle Buster on Tony and get some good old fashioned heat back. I tell you, December to Dismember is known as one of the worst PPVs of all time, but at the moment, it’s… okay. I know that I’m just cursing myself now, but for real, it’s been enjoyable. Only three matches left though and they might well be the drizzling shits.

On the Card will return on December 10 2016 with the second and final part of ECW December to Dismember 2006.

RUTHLESS AGGRESSION ERA #3.ECW ONE NIGHT STAND 2006 (June 11, 2006) PART 1

Ruthless Aggression #3: ECW One Night Stand – June 11, 2006

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 11, 2006, the PPV ECW One Night Stand aired. It was an ECW PPV, obviously, and was meant to capitalise on the popularity of Extreme/Eastern Championship Wrestling from the early nineties to early 2000s. Honestly, ECW represented some dark side of wrestling for me. When I started watching wrestling, it was so cartoony that I never really realised that the guys could be fighting for real so it came as no news to me that it was scripted. ECW, however, was something primal, barbaric even. It seemed like those men wished each other harm. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

ECW One Night Stand 2006

Still no tagline this time around, owing to the fact that the Fed still thought only Raw was worth it. Still, the poster is pretty boss. We see old Rob Van Dam there jumping off a ladder like a ninja, briefcase in hand. Business ninja.

Show opens with the crowd in the Hammerstein Ballroom, New York, screaming an, “ECW! ECW!” chant. Music hits and out comes Paul E. Dangerously AKA Paul Heyman. He’s got the suit on underneath the trenchcoat, hat on top, ponytail hanging out the back. ?The crowd are loving it and Paul is swaggering about the place, bowing to the fans in the balcony and waving at everyone else.

Paul E. cuts a promo scathing ECW hardcore vs. WWE superstars. He spits on the mic, too. Pretty yucky, Paul. Paul then goes on to say that they have a global audience now and that they will show that audience where it all started. Bit silly to say that, seeing as ECW started in 1992 and closed in 2001, fourteen and five years previous to the PPV, respectively. Still, a nice line. He gets a, “thank you, Paul E.” chant. Big pop for the fact that they’re on PPV and on Sci-Fi for the ECW television show. That was another shitshow and that’s besides the point. Paul tells the crowd that the only reason they are there is because of the fans. He then thanks each and every one, individually.

Close up shot on the “If Cena Wins, We Riot” sign. Oh come on, Cena isn’t all that bad, guys. He can be hardcore, too.

Paul E. does the old, “This is better than Monday Night RAW, this is better than Friday Night Smackdown. Welcome to the rebirth of ECW!” routine and we cut to some dodgy CGI and 90’s reverb. Kind of makes you miss ECW, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing.

The song for this evening is “Bodies” by Drowning Pool, which is amazing.

Hammerstein Ballroom, New York. 2, 460 fans cram into the room to shout and throw things. Small numbers, better crowd, but it is clear that no one at the Fed could care less about this PPV. Joey Styles is on the announcer’s mic. No Spanish announcers, no Star Spangled Banner, this is low-budget as all hell and can either be the best thing ever or a shitshow.

I appreciate Styles’ skill on the mic. The ability to call a match on your own is remarkable and makes it feel like a real sporting event as opposed to a scripted professional wrestling match. The lack of colour commentator means that storylines and motivation don’t go over as easily, but that is a small price to pay. Let’s see how long before his nasal tone drains me.

Tazz! It’s Tazz! Out he comes, covered in smoke, swaggering down to the ring. His name is spelled with both Z’s but a closeup on a fan’s sight shows the original “Taz” spelling. His original music, “Survive if I let you,” plays, which isn’t as threatening as his WWF theme with the heart beating. He’s wearing a towel on his head and looks like hell. He’s not wearing any ring gear at all, stands in the corner, frowns and crosses his arms.

Jerry comes out, heeling it up like a motherfucker. His comedy heel tactics will not go over here. The crowd tell him that he sucks dick. He then goes over and slaps Joey Styles in the most worked announcer attack ever. Something happens during the announcement and the mic goes quiet.

Tazz def. Jerry “the King” Lawler via submission in 35 seconds.

Joey is in the ring as soon as the bell rings and jumps on Jerry’s back. He is knocked off and Jerry goes for the piledriver. Tazz grapples Jerry from behind, applies the Tazzmission and my favourite spot hits as the ref raises Jerry’s hand and drops it once… twice… thrice? That’s it? Match over? Oh fuck.

2016 comments:

Oh, we are off to a great fucking start.

2006 comments:

I’m sorry, I was looking away. What happened?

Grade: F

What was the purpose here? To put ECW over by handing Tazz a simple win? This is the ECW crowd! Don’t give them a thirty-five second match! The pop wasn’t even a pop, it was a confused grunt. Pish.

Cut to Joey who is making a big deal of checking his jaw. It’s fine though and, unfortunately, he continues to talk. He introduces the WWE vs. ECW extravaganza where the Raw, Smackdown and ECW battle royale ended with Randy Orton and The Big Show being the only who guys left. Big Show removed his Raw shirt to reveal that he, like Bruce Willis in the 6th Sense (spoiler alert) was with ECW all along. Then, just like Bruce Willis, he throws Randy Orton out of the ring and lifts Kurt Angle into the air.

Cut to Cena vs. Sabu. Sabu scares me. Cena is willing when Big Show pops in again and fucks it up for everyone.

Wait! Tazz is back at the commentary desk. Out comes Randy Orton. My God, he looks fantastic. I’m not a huge Orton fan, but this is my favourite Randy moment. He’s walking down the aisle and this kid leans out and gives him a punch on the arm. Randy stops, spins around, realises that the kid is about twelve, has a few words and as he’s walking away, mutters, “punk motherfucker,” to himself. The kid’s dad is so proud. Like, super proud of his son.

Now, Randy is not an amazing wrestler, though his RKO process is stuff of legend. He is killing it with his slow walk down to the ring, however. The crowd hate him. He is everything ECW is not. He strolls into the ring, hits his Legend Killer pose and then flirts with the crowd for a while. Fair play to him.

Tazz and Joey keep saying that Randy Orton looks out of place. Of course he does. Man has no scars on his face. He pops up on the turnbuckle and gets his pyro. Not one person in the audience is happy about seeing him. He’s really pantomiming his way through the intro.

Kurt gets his introduction before his music hits, which is probably just to remind the crowd that now Kurt is an ECW guy, just like The Big Show, despite the fact that neither of them worked in ECW before now. Angle comes out, his gumshield in. He gets a huge pop and a massive round of applause for being Kurt Angle. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kurt. Christ, if his music came on during an anti-American angle of any kind (like Rusev dissing the yanks), I would shit my pants.

Nice “Fuck ‘em up, Angle, fuck ‘em up!” chant gets started and the bell rings

Kurt Angle def. Randy Orton via submission in 15:07.

Randy circles Angle in an attempt to get away from the Olympic champion and catch him unawares. Considering the fact that Angle can’t turn his damn neck, I’m surprised that Orton isn’t able to sidestep him. Kayfabe or no kayfabe, though, this is Kurt fucking Angle. If you’ve read his book, you know that the man is hella serious about wrestling. Not professional wrestling, actual honest-to-God wrasslin’.

Randy tolls out of the ring and gets super booed for it. Test of strength and Angle goes for Orton’s leg, going for the ankle lock. Orton crawls out of the ring to get away from Angle. “Angle’s gonna kill you!” chant rises. A “Fuck you, Orton,” chant is created shortly thereafter. Angle gets Orton is a headlock, he escapes, Irish whips Angle and gets another headlock. Randy escapes again. The crowd call him a pussy.

Angle lifts Orton for a suplex and slaps him about the head for a while. Bear in mind that Angle was in the Olympics only ten years before this match. He’s still got it. Angle points to his neck, telling Randy, “come get it, first one is free.” Randy goes for the headlock and is knocked back. He goes again and again and is backdropped for his effort. Angle roars for a bit and the crowd chant, “ECW! ECW!”

Angle goes to shoulder barge Orton in the corner but Randy moves at the last second. Orton takes over for a while and the already slow pace crawls to a stop before Angle lifts Orton up and slams him back down. Orton knocks him down with an elbow and gets a two count. The crowd chant, “Go fuck Cena!” and Orton is clearly pissed. Crowd tell Orton, “You can’t wrestle!”

Angle gets on top of Orton and there are a few two-counts. The crowd start mixing chants for a while. Orton gets Angle in a headlock and the crowd get bored. All in all, the match has been very technical and not very exciting. The fans just want to see Randy get his fuck kicked in. Angle teases German suplexes twice before finally hitting Orton with one and getting an, “ECW! ECW!” chant for his effort. Both men are up and at ‘em and Angle hits Orton with three German suplexes in a row before attempting the Angle Slam. Orton hits Angle with a great dropkick but the crowd say, “Fuck you, Orton.”

Angle explodes up and hits the Angle Slam but it only gets a two count. He goes for the ankle lock but Randy escapes and hits him with a brutal neckbreaker. Only gets a two-count though. Randy does his weird snake crawl, looking for the RKO. He goes for it, is rejected and goes to the top rope. Randy Orton has no top rope moves. Why is he going to the top rope? To be belly-to-belly suplexed by Angle of course! Angle and Orton scramble at the top of the turnbuckle and Orton hits him with a crossbody before hitting a clothesline and going for another RKO. Again, it is rejected and Angle goes for the ankle lock. Orton has nowhere to go and taps out.

2016 comments:

An okay match, actually. The start was technical and the rest was professional, so a nice clean cut between the two styles. For my sins, I like both these guys; Orton because he’s a great heel and Angle because he’s Kurt fucking Angle.

2006 comments:

Actually, I might have watched ECW if it was more like this and less light tubes being ground into people’s eyes.

Grade: B

Angle celebrates for a while and he is so over, which is really weird considering that he’s never professionally wrestled anywhere but in the Fed. Tazz tells Angle to go back to Raw where he belongs. Randy wants two men to come out to help him be carried back to the locker room. The crowd call him a pussy and he waves at them, saying, “my fans! They’re my fans!”

What a total bastard.

Shot of New York and the FBI’s music hits. Big Guido is huge and is a legit 6 foot 9. He does, however, have a face like a handbag. Tazz takes the time to tell us which one is Little Guido (red), which one is Marmaluke (green) and which one is Big Guido (tall fucker). Big pop as Super Crazy and Tajiri come out. Both are looking great. Tazz loves Tajiri’s style and the crowd chant “Welcome back” to him.

The Full Blooded Italians [FBI] (Little Guido Maritato and Tony Marmaluke) w/ Big Guido def. Yoshihiro Tajiri and Super Crazy via pinfall in 12:24.

Bell goes and we have Crazy and Marmaluke arm toss each other. Tazz and Styles make Italian jokes like pricks. Tazz is from Brooklyn and is Sicilian, fair enough, but he doesn’t do any of this shit around the other wrestlers. You never hear him talking about Kurt Angle and dropping some recipes for pasta or whatever. Tajiri jumps in and gets a pop for it. He looks bored otherwise. Crazy and Marmaluke do some sweet chain wrestling. Styles and Tazz talk about how long it is to fly to Japan. The crowd chant either, “Nacho Libre!” or “Macho Libre!” and Tazz lets on that it’s advertising.

Crazy hits a fucking great Bob Backlund backdrop on Marmalike and then a super-high X-Factor. Tajiri and Little Guido come in. The crowd start chanting, “ECW! ECW!” Tajiri goes for the tiltawhirl backbreaker but Little Guido reverses into an armbar. This is a great match and Tajiri makes it better by spitting at Maraluke from the centre of the ring. He gets Little Guido into a tree of woe. Maramluke comes in and Crazy dropkicks him before getting Marmaluke into a tree of woe on the opposite turnbuckle. Stereo baseball slides and a two-count as Tajiri gives Little Guido the most disrespectful of all tea-bagged pins.

Crazy kicks ass for a while and hits the sweetest pair of moonsaults – one from Bret’s rope and the other to the outside from the apron. Big Guido starts beating on him and a cover by Little Guido is broken up by Tajiri. Marmaluke is Irish whipped into the ropes and when Crazy lifts him up, he holds onto the leg, dropping Marmaluke facefirst onto the mat. It looks super dangerous. Loads of submissions follow.

Tajiri dropkicks Little Guido’s knee and kicks Marmaluke in the face to save Crazy from the pin. Joey says that one of the boys is 5 foot 7 and has size 12 feet. “God Bless his wife. Walking with a limp.”

Tajiri has a great bunch of moves on Guido followed by a spinning hell kick and close pin. Tajiri gets Marmaluke in some mental spinning head scissors submission before springboarding off the ropes and hitting them both. Great superkick by Tajiri. Double Irish whip, do-se-do followed by a stereo Tarantula. Big Guido comes in and is beat on by Tajiri and Crazy. The FBI do a double clothesline on their opponents. Crazy is kicked into the crowd and the FBI double fisherman Tajiri for the pin in 12:24.

2016 comments:

Fucking great match. Spotfest, but a good spotfest. God love these men.

2006 comments:

No psychology and I don’t know these men but I want to see more.

Grade: A

Then the fucking Big Show comes out. The crowd are not unhappy about this, but Big Guido and the Big Show square off and both teams attempt to attack him. He dodges a Crazy lariat, bag breakers Marmaluke and throws him about like a ragdoll. Music hits and he leaves again. What was the point again?

Cut to Joey Styles and Tazz bigging up the two big matches when Cunt JBL appears. He’s on the balcony and he’s not in his wrestling gear. The crowd tell him that he sucks dick, which he does because he is a cunt. He says that he sees no women in the audience and that the audience are thus fruits. He then boasts about busting the Blue Meanie up in the previous year’s One Night Stand 2005.

Straight-up shoot fact: JBL and Blue Meanie had a big of heat, mostly because JBL is a backstage bully and hazes new guys and being stiff in the ring. Some of the stories are funny, some are great justice and some of them are just cruel. Kurt Angle’s autobiography “It’s True, It’s True” details a match on Sunday Night Heat where the APA beat seven shades of shite out of Public Enemy. If you watch the match, it is short, brutal and to the point. The Blue Meanie situation was different. Meanie was saying things about JBL on the internet, apparently in character, and the Texan took offence to it and opened some stitches on his head. There is a reason I call him Cunt JBL and that is because he is a cunt.

The crowd shout, “Booooring!” and he boasts about being a bully and that nothing happened to him for being this way. The audience tell him to shut the fuck up. JBL bigs up Vince and JBL threatens Tazz. JBL calls the audience geeks and they call him an asshole. He says, “You paid to see me. I didn’t pay to see you,” and Tazz says, “He wasn’t even advertised!” JBL says he is the voice of Smackdown, the “A” show, which is bullshit. JBL tells the audience to kiss his ass and that the show sucks.

Our ring announcer Stephen DeAngelis announces that the next match will be contested under Extreme Rules!

Music hits and out comes Sabu. The crowd pops for him. He is so badly scarred, he looks like hell but also looks fantastic. He’s like an anime character. Then comes Rey. Big pyro, no pop. He hugs kids and babyfaces it up. Rey was actually in ECW for a while, so he should have a bigger pop for that, but then it is revealed that he had turned down an offer for ECW from our man Paul Heyman.

Lights come up and the introductions begin. Both men have chairs. Homicidal, suicidal, genocidal Sabu gets a pop. Rey gets boos and looks upset about it. “Fuck ‘em up, Sabu, fuck ‘em up!” chant rises. The ref gets both men to drop their chairs and rings the bell.

Extreme Rules Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Sabu. Match ended in no contest in 9:10.

Tazz pronounces coffee as “cawfeee”. Sabu goes for Rey’s knee and, amazingly, it doesn’t blow out. Rey looks so smooth and perfect next to Sabu. Duelling chairs to start off with and Sabu flips Rey in the air, sets up a chair and goes for Air Sabu but Rey falls forward and misses the chair shot. Rey then hits Sabu with a hurricanrana off the chair. Sabu denies him a 619 and cracks him in the face with a chair. It sounds brutal. Sabu sets up the table on the apron over to the ring edge. Sabu rolls into the ring, sets up the chair and goes to jump but Rey moves. Sabu takes an awful looking drop to the floor. Rey wastes no time in moonsaulting for the two-count.

Rey cracks Sabu a punch and gets caught between the top two ropes. Sabu does a great leg drop off the top rope to Rey’s neck but no pin. He then does another leg drop while holding a chair, moving the chair below his arse to get some sort of chair leg drop combo. No dice so the maniac runs out, sets up a ladder and is swiftly kicked on it by Rey. Mysterio then jumps from the top rope, hitting Sabu in the face with his balls. Sabu looks hurt, is twisting and stretching his arm as the ref throws up the X. Rey holds his balls and slides back into the ring.

It’s Rey’s turn to hit the leg drop on Sabu. He Irish whips the maniac into the corner and goes for another jump-off-the-chair spot but Sabu jumps. Rey tries to reverse into a moonsault but Sabu moves off and springboards off the ropes for a butt-bump of his own. The crowd chants for Sabu, as if he is the only man in the match. He then does a great moonsault and goes for the leg-drop-chair-shot (the Atomic Arabian Face Buster, according to the announcers) but misses. Mysterio sits Sabu in the chair and goes to hit him again but Sabu misses for the second ball-shot of the match. Sabu just throws the chair at Rey with a huge crack. Sabu sets Rey up on the table and jumps at him, DDTing him in the air through the fucking table. Lads come out to see them, both men are in huge amounts of pain and a lad in a necktie stops the match in 9:10.

2016 comments:

Absolutely brutal. Very scary match. Rey and Sabu do not have the best safety record because they’re both mental.

2006 comments:

Christ of almighty, is this ECW? I might actually like it.

Grade: C

Crowd call bullshit, the bloody bastards. Both men are apparently getting taken to the hospital. Sabu is rolling everywhere, unable to stand, seemingly. He gets applause though.

On the Card will return on June 18th with the second and final part of  ECW One Night Stand 2006.