Ruthless Aggression #20. Vengeance: Night of Champions (June 24, 2007)

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #20 Vengeance: Night of Champions – June 24, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 24, 2007, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February. This one was tri-branded and had Raw, Smackdown and ECW matches on the card. It is noticeable for taking place on June 24th, 2007, which was the date that Chris Benoit hung himself after murdering his wife and son. He no-showed this PPV and was replaced by Johnny Nitro in the CM Punk ECW Heavyweight Championship match. I will go into more detail about this horrific crime and the effect it had on the wrestling business as well as myself in the conclusion to this review. For now, I will state that personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007

Night of Champions

Did it just use its own name as a tagline? My God.

The promo package tells us that everyone wants to win the gold, which is true, and that this PPV has a gimmick where every belt is on the line! Whaaat? I’m sure this has happened before.

Batista and Edge in a Last Chance Match. Yeo. Will Batista win? Probably.

Bobbo Lasher and Mick Foley and Randy Orton and Booker T and John Cena for the WWE Championship. Mentalnuts.

There’s a shot of an altar with… wrought iron? Tentacles? Who knows? We are welcomed into the Toyota Centre in Houston, Texas by Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler. But first, Justin Roberts introduces Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo! That’s right, old Blackjack Winham and IRS, brothers-in-law and members of the US Express. They won the belts twice in 1985 and held them for a total of 137 days. Not too shabby. Cut to some lovely footage of the lads with Captain Lou Albano.

No time! No time to talk! Old Jeff and Fat Matt Hardy are rocking to the ring, beltless. They lost the belts to Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch on the June 4th RAW, one day after beating the World’s Greatest Tag Team in a ladder match at One Night Stand. Some facts there for you.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Super Crazy and Carlito. At least one of them should not have been there.)

Finally, JR and King introduce us to the announce team alongside 15,000 roaring fans in the arena and 247,000 at home (a drop, once again, from the 337,000 the year previous). JR and King represent RAW and… there are other announcers, too, apparently, but we will get to them soon enough. JR states that Cade and Murdoch are opportunistic for taking the belts one day after a big ol’ ladder match. The crowd bay for the Hardys.

Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch (c) vs. Matt and Jeff Hardy.

Champs never come out first but always get first billing. Them’s the rules.

We have nine matches on the card. Almost all of them will be sub-ten-minutes. Fat Matt to start off against Cade. JR gives off about Cade and Murdoch for a while. Despite their match at Judgment Day, Cade and Murdoch are the nasty heels. Cade holds out his hand, shit eating grin upon his face, and Matt takes advantage, making the audience cheer for him. Lovely running of the ropes and Jeff hits a cross-body to knock Cade down. Jeff is in and they botch a leg-drop-senton double team. Murdoch comes in and a botched swinging neckbreaker. Murdoch gets a kick in the face and lovely enziguri before Matt comes in with an axe-handle nothing. Lovely Poetry in Motion and slingshot baseball slide. Matt comes in and both Hardys clean house. Matt and Jeff stand in the ring as Cade and Murdoch say, “fuck it!” and walk off. Hardys roll out and beat on them for being cowards.

Both Cade and Murdoch rock in and Matt takes pity on Murdoch, who begs for his life. Murdoch tags in Cade sneakily and as Matt squares up to Murdoch, Cade Pearl Harbours him. Crowd bay for Jeff and the hot tag is built up. Murdoch’s eye is hurt from an injury at Smackdown, I think. Cade pops in and works on Matt’s left knee. Murdoch comes in and does the same. Matt fights back but Murdoch takes over with a single legged Boston Crab. Matt crawls away to the ropes and fails to reach them. More pressure applied to Matt’s knee. Matt might tap out. Jeff is desperate to get in and Matt kicks Murdoch on the face, runs up the hot tag, Jeff bounces in and botches his way through a clearing of the house.

Cade gets pinned but kicks out. Jeff retaliates, hits a lovely twisting moonsault, fails another pin. Sit-out vertical suplex and Jeff goes to the top rope and twice does Murdoch knock him off. Lovely sit-out spinebuster by Cade and they retain by pin.

Lance Cade has pinned Matt Hardy. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch retain the World Tag Team Championship in 08:55.

2017 comments:

Good opener. Both teams are very good, though have distinctly different styles. Although the Hardys were not as high-speed as they usually are, it was a clean win and both teams go over. Well, it wasn’t totally clean and the champions are obviously cheaters, but that’s that.

2007 comments:

No Swanton? No Twist of Fate? No wonder they lost.

Grade: B.

Matt looks on in horror as Lance and Trevor leave. Trevor has a wee word with the US Express there. Neither look impressed. Matt sits near Jeff as replays the closing moments, including the seemingly botched interruption. The champs say, “All by the rules!”

Cut to Booker and his mental with Sharmell. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Booker – since Wrestlemania 23, in fact. Booker – in an English accent, no less – states all of his championships and gives his Queen a resume that proves that he should be a champion tonight.

Cut to Cowardly Cole and Cunt JBL. They talk about Eddie and JBL talks about his Eddie’s career will be intertwined with his own. Yes, but not because you’re a good wrassler, JBL, but because Eddit accidentally cut himself badly in a fight. We see a match betwixt our boy Eddie and Bork Lensar, who is a shaved gorilla, but otherwise a lovely bloke.

Crowd chant for Eddie as his less-interesting nephew Chavo comes out.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Chavo was one of the gentlemen who Benoit got in contact with regarding his suicide. Chavo had spoken to Benoit on Saturday and Benoit had told Chavo that he loved him, which Chavo later said sounded “off” to him. Chavo was also a recipient of a text from Benoit and his wife’s phone giving their address. Spooky.

Chavo is the Cruiserweight champion… and comes down first, apparently. God dammit, Fed. Is it just me? Am I wrong. No. No, it is the Federation who is wrong.

Cut to Dean Malenko, the man of 1000 holds, which would be interesting, of course, if not for Jericho, who knows one more.

Jimmy Wang Yang turns up, the resident redneck. What a lad. I love this boy. He’s brilliant. He’s a real lad. Look at him, with his moustache and the whole wife-beater-and-jeans thing going on. He’s like Dean Ambrose, only with talent.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship match: Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang.

Referee Charles “Little Naitch” Robinson there as Cole tells us that the first Cruiserweight Champ was Brian Pillman. That was back in WCW, but they don’t tell you that. Jimmy hits a lovely hip toss and a roll-up but fails. Chavo’s father, Chavo Classic was also Cruiserweight Champ. Chavo calls the ref over, takes advantage of the situation and attacks Jimmy before tossing him into the corner. Jimmy takes over, hits a lovely dropkick and an amazing suplex. Pin and fail.

Jimmy does a sweet run up Chavo’s body and backflips. Chavo baseball slides Jimmy on the apron and tosses him back in, going top rope but getting an enziguri from Jimmy to knock him to the outside. Jimmy goes top rope and hits a cross-body. Jimmy rolls Chavo back in and hits the pin but fails. Fantastic hip-toss from Chavo into the corner, by Christ. Nice side-suplex from Chavo and a pin but fail. Chavo gets Jimmy in a hold and he fights back, tosses Chavo, gets reversed, falls, and Chavo hits the senton. Very confident Guerrero. The crowd chant, “We want Wang!”

Jimmy fights back and hits a wonderful backdrop followed by an Atomic drop onto Chavo’s balls. Jimmy hits an odd cartwheel attack, another cross-body from the top rope and almost a pin-fall. Chavo hits the Three Amigos and gets boos. Jimmy escapes, goes for a pin but Chavo has the bottom rope. Chavo rolls out of the way of a moonsault and hits a Gory Special attempt. Roll-up and Chavo kicks out. The crowd boo. Jimmy is lifted onto the turnbuckle, is knocked onto the ground and Chavo hits the frog splash for the win.

Chavo Guerrero has pinned Jimmy Wang Yang and retains the WWE Cruiserweight Championship in 10:16.

2017 comments:

Good old match. Not as flippy as we expect from Jimmy, but he was so over, it didn’t matter.

2007 comments:

Man, fuck Chavo.

Grade: B.

JR uses the Owen Voice to tell us about Vince McMahon’s alleged death by limo explosion.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: This is infamous because the Raw following Vengeance was due to be a tribute to our man Vince, but it was changed, obviously, to a tribute to Benoit before the news was revealed hours later about the truth of Benoit’s actions. At the ECW the following night, Vince took back the Benoit reference and began the long, arduous process of bleaching him from the WWE.

JR introduces a look into Vince’s “mindset”, showing his last moments and the premonition he had about a dark cloud that then was revealed to be his upcoming death. Twice, Vince looks behind himself and then he hesitates before opening the door to his limo, he steps in, steps out and blows up. The footage was made from spliced footage filmed the Sunday before Raw and an outside agency – Zenith Pyrotechnology – was called in to make it look as effective as possible. Crowd sing, “Na na na na! Waaaay, goodbye.”

Then there’s an opinion piece as to who was responsible for Vince dying. Cut to Bobby Lashley being asked if he had anything to do with the death. He says he wishes Vince was alive to see the look on his face when he wins the belt tonight.

Cut to Tazz and Joey Styles wanking off about Tazz being the greatest ECW Champion of all time.

CM Punk comes down. This is a match to determine who should be the ECW Champion. As mentioned, his opponent in this match was going to be Benoit. Punk half-heartedly throws his t-shirt into the crowd.

For some reason, Justin Roberts introduces Johnny Nitro before he enters the Titantron. No Melina or paparazzi or Joey Mercury tonight so it’s clear that Johnny was added as an afterthought. But Melina is actually on the card tonight, so I don’t see why they couldn’t have her walk him to the ring?

Match for the vacant ECW World Championship: CM Punk vs. Johnny Nitro.

Johnny takes the time to get out of the corner as the crowd chant, “We want Benoit!” Gulp.

The two circle one another and Johnny actually checks the chants before CM Punk kicks the shite out of Nitro, who rolls out of the ring, steps on the apron, slaps Punk and is chased about the ring. Punk slaps the face off Nitro and he gets a lovely springboard kick to the head from Nitro. Punk shakes off the cobwebs as Nitro gets him into a rest hold for a bit as they decide on the next spot. Punk fights out, gets a clothesline to the face and then a boot from Nitro.

Lovely armbar. The crowd want Benoit and he shouts, “You got Johnny Nitro!” The announcers discuss the late change and what that means for Johnny in Kayfabe. Backbreaker and another sleeper hold. Punk fights out of it, gives a lovely enziguri to Nitro and both men take their time getting up. Punk takes over, booting Nitro all about the place and attempting a pin. Nitro reverses a knee lift and Nitro gets a pin with his feet on the ropes but the ref sees it. Punk goes for the GTS but Nitro escapes into a sunset flip which Punk refuses to Aloha Arn. A bulldog from Punk and he pops up to the top rope, attempts a springboard which Johnny escapes from. He then hits a swinging elevated neckbreaker and get the pin.

Johnny Nitro has pinned CM Punk to win the ECW World Championship in 8:00.

2017 comments:

Going through the motions. Neither of the men had a chance to put on a great match and you could see Punk was Grumps McGraw in this match.

2007 comments:

Where was Benoit?

Grade: C.

So, it turns out that Punk was going to fail anyways. That’s a kick in the teeth, isn’t it?

Cut to WrestleMania XII where Bret and Shawn squared off in an Iron Man match for the championship. Shawn refused to submit at the end of the match and it continued under Sudden Death, which is a nice way of saying that now it is a normal match, I guess. Shawn got the pin after a Sweet Chin Music.

Cut to Mick Foley in the locker room, wrapping his knuckles. Randy is there and threatens Mick saying that he has ended careers. Mick reminds Randy that he’s an absolute headcase. Randy says that he won the last match they had. He won it. He won that match.

Cut to Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat and his Intercontinental Championship win. He then pops out himself, waves to the crowd and gets more than the US Express earlier.

Out comes the current Intercontinental Champion, Santino Marella, who was apparently just a fan until he beat Umaga in Milan.

Out comes Umaga, who was an absolute murderer until Cena destroyed him. Now he’s back to just being another wrestler. He shouts at the ring steps for being a mean old set of steps.

WWE Intercontinental Championship match: Santino Marella (c) vs. Umaga.

Umaga screams and Santino dodges out of the way of his charge, attempts a roll-up and fails. Santino is on Umaga’s back and the Samoan drops backwards, squashing Marella. Umaga goes for a splash and Santino gets the knees up but no joy. The crowd chant, “Umaga’s gonna kill you!” and the Samoan gets the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Santino. Marella fights back, attempts to run away and he sells his hand being paralysed. Umaga lifts him up, beats him in the corner and after the shortest five count in history, the ref calls for a DQ.

Umaga has been disqualified by failing to move away from the corner after a five count. Santino Marella retains the WWE Intercontinental Championship by default in 02:34.

2017 comments:

Ugh. If you’re going for a short match, make it believable. Have Umaga fight the referee, maybe, toss him, refuse to let go, bloody Santino up. It just looks like Umaga has been unfairly treated. Shit. Who is the heel here?

2007 comments:

This Santino might be the best champion ever.

Grade: C.

Umaga chases the referee, goes top-rope and splashes Santino. Why? He should be mad at the ref. The crowd chant for “U-Mah-Gah!” and he leaves. He’s clearly not a heel. He rolls back in, shots the thumb and hits the Samoan Spike into Marella’s throat. The crowd chant, “One more time!” but he does not hit it one more time. Maria rocks down the ramp and rolls into the ring to look after Santino. Replays of the ref giving a five count and instantly calling DQ. As Daniel Bryan would say, “He has until five, referee.”

Cut to an ad for Summerslam, featuring Jackass.

Cut to Coward Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL as they talk for some time about the limo explosion. Daniel Beck, the lead federal investigator for the incident. He tells us that forensics have confirmed DNA evidence for Vince, the limo driver and another third party, who is a “well-known personality”.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Cunt President Donal Trump legitimately thought that Vince was dead. I would normally take the time to point out how imbecilic this was… if not for the fact that stocks dropped because of the storyline, showing that money doesn’t necessarily equate to common sense.

Reminder that tomorrow is a three-hour celebration of Vince. Eep.

Cut to Magnum TA, former US Champ, who survived a car crash that left him in the wreck for two hours before ambulance arrived. This car crash ended his career and it was feared that damage to his vertebrae would leave him paralysed for life, but he was able to walk again with the aid of a cane.

MVP appears, ready to kick arse in his onesie. Farty pyro fires off. He squares off to Magnum TA who is standing beside Sign Guy, who has a sign that says, “A Horseman vs A Horse’s Ass”. Brilliant. The jerk beside Magnum TA is doing the Cena, “U Can’t C Me” sign.

Big woo as walking leather handbag Ric Flair walks to the ring. His entrance is cut short as MVP dives out of the ring to jaw off to Flair. Flair has been drafted to SmackDown at the grand old age of 58. Oy vey.

WWE United States Championship match: Montel Vontavious Porter (c) vs. Ric Flair.

Bell rings and MVP jaws off to Flair before the two lock up. MVP gets Flair in a corner, shouts shit in his face and the two argue before Flair woos and gives MVP a slap. Flair struts in the centre of the ring, MVP takes his time on the outside before rolling back in. The two bucks shout at each other and taunt. Flair gets cheers and MVP gets booed. Flair gets MVP into a leg lock and there’s a lovely wee rest hold. MVP gets to the ropes and Flair attempts a leg snap. Rake of the eyes and Flair is lifted onto the apron before being booted off. The champ goes out, picks up Flair and hammers his head off the apron. Pin in the ring followed by another and some punches before another pin and rest hold. Flair has bladed.

Flair gets to the ropes to break the hold and MVP stomps him. Flair is in the corner, takes some shots but survives. Some Flair chops and punches before a big back drop from MVP. He checks his chest and zips back up his top. Yeo. Rest hold city over here. A lone fan in the crowd woos. Flair fights back and knocks the champ back. Lovely fireman’s carry into gorilla press and a pin but still no win. The announcers talk about other champs and how they would feel about MVP. Flair hits a jawbreaker and slaps MVP on the ropes. Dodgy botched choke into backdrop and Flair chops away at MVP, runs the ropes and hits the high elbow. Back body drop and Flair is still in control, going for the ten punch in the corner but only getting five before MVP escapes.

MVP goes for another boot in the corner but misses. Flair attacks the knee, struts and attacks the knee again. Figure Four is locked in and MVP is reaching for the ropes before reaching it easily. Flair takes a thumb to the eye, hits the Playmaker for the win.

MVP has pinned Ric Flair and retains the WWE United States Championship in 8:43.

2017 comments:

Nice of them to unwrap Flair and feed him the Lazarus Solution to resurrect him once again.

2007 comments:

Did we really think Flair could ever win?

Grade: C.

Maggle tells us that Flair was in control. We see the ref pull Flair away – not DQing him like they did to Umaga – and MVP leaves, still the champ.

Backstage, Todd Grisham speaks to John Cena, who hits Todd and gives the big thumbs up to the camera. Edge appears and the pair waste time talking about the failed Vince McMahon Whodunnit. Cena tells Edge that he’s too soft to kill Vince. Edge basically implicates himself and the FBI guys appears to ask Edge some serious questions about a death that never actually happens.

By the side of the crowd is Rick Martel and Tony Garea, who were Tag Team champs back in the day. A different tag team, of course, to the World Tag Team Champions earlier… Confused much?

Deuce ‘n Domino come out, all shoo-bopping and doo-wopping with Cherry on her roller blades. I like this gimmick. It’s silly. Deuce lifts up Cherry and walks her three steps. They won the tag team belts from Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Deuce and Domino make fun of Martel and Garea, saying that the place stinks and that they thought the old champs were dead. Stay classy.

Sgt. Slaughter’s music hits and out he rocks, saluting to everyone, pointing and shouting. Then out comes legit murderer, Jimmy Snuka. This is the second match in a row with ancient wrestlers fighting new wrestlers. Cunt JBL talks about calling Ron Simmons and starting up the APA. Cole tries to be his friend. JBL turns him down.

Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Deuce ‘n Domino (c) (w/ Cherry) vs. Sgt. Slaughter and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

Deuce starts off and Cole tells us that it’s a bit odd that Snuka and Slaughter are tagging together as they feuded back in the day. Botched running of the ropes and jumping as Domino jumps too early and lands on Snuka’s neck. He hits Domino a bunch and tags in Slaughter, who hits a pump-handle gutbuster and snapmare for a pin. Big fail. Slaughter tosses Domino about and gives him a back body drop. Another pin. Another fail.

Slaughter hits the Cobra Clutch and finds the rope pretty quickly. Big elbow shots and Domino takes a big old clothesline. Another Cobra Clutch and Deuce walks back. Deuce hits Slaughter, why he doesn’t tag in is beyond me. Finally, he does and a ref distraction causes the choke from Domino. Domino tags Deuce in.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Deuce is, of course, the son of Jimmy Snuka.

Deuce is beating on Slaughter, looks at his dad, goes to the top rope, hits a taunt on Superfly, does a big splash but fails. Slaughter goes for the tepid tag and the dad whups his son for a while. Snuka pins his son and Domino jumps in to break it up. Slaughter pulls him out and Superfly hits his son with a ribbreaker. He goes to the top rope and Cole fucks up the naming of the splash. Domino fails to knock him off – probably a botch – and Snuka hits the splash, rolls through and Deuce gets the pin.

Deuce has pinned Superfly Jimmy Snuka to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship in 6:34.

2017 comments:

Jesus, boys, at least do a bit of training before getting into the ring.

2007 comments:

Did we really think that Deuce ‘n Domino won by accident?

Grade: C.

The heel champs beat on the losers and Martel and Garea run in to save them. Big cheer as the winners run off. Then Superfly’s music hits as the old men are awkward mid-ring. Replays of the “win” and subsequent beat-down.

Coming up next, it’s the last chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship, Edge vs. Batista. Replays of their last few matches and we’re all very impressed with Edge’s thong.

Cole talks about Harley Race, an eight-time NWA champion and King of the Ring winner.

The champ, Edge comes out first once again. Because why wouldn’t he? Edge lists his belt for the farty pyro. He is called the “Ultimate Opportunist”, which is not really true, is it? If it were, he’d be taking every opportunity he could, including DQing himself in order to retain quickly.

Batista rocks out with his new haircut, hits his gatling gun pyro and strolls to the ring, rocking on his toes. Cole tells us that he asked Batista, “What are you gonna do tonight? It’s your last chance,” which is almost as stupid as when he asked Austin, “Are you ready to enter hell?” back in 2001, the fucking ghoul.

Batista rolls out, chases Edge off and hugs Harley Race. Real babyface.

Edge kisses the belt and the bell is rung.

Last Chance Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Batista cannot wait to get his hands on Edge, going for his legs almost instantly. The pair hammer on each other and Batista hits the pin pretty early on but fails to keep him down. A wee rest hold from the two men and Batista stalks his enemy, constantly holding onto rest holds. Edge fights back and gets the Animal in the corner, but is limping from the damage pretty early on. Lovely Bossman Slam from Batista followed by a pin that fails. Annoying whistling person in the crowd. Batista gets thrown out of the ring and lies there for a while. Edge rocks out, hitting the axe-handle-nothing from the apron. Batista lifts Edge up but he escapes and reverses it into a lovely push into the steel ring post.

Batista reenters the ring and Edge is on him, hammering him on the back of the neck. Edge runs Batista’s shoulder into the steel post and we stand around for a while. Very slow pace here. Batista goes to the apron and gets hit with a baseball slide. Edge hot-dogs and grandstands for the crowd as Batista really sells the baseball slide. Batista rocks back into the ring and he have… armbar city. Both men are either gassed or purposely bringing the pace down. I can’t wee why. Batista hits an arm drag, is thrown – once again – into the corner, shoulder first, and follows it up with a short, sharp tug. Batista falls back, has trouble getting to his feet and does so, fighting back before a drop-toe-hold moves straight into an armbar. Armbar city.

Batista lifts Edge into a fireman’s carry into a Samoan Drop but Edge holds on, holding as tight as he can. Batista battles to his feet, punches Edge, lifts him into the corner and gets a boot to the face for his effort. Batista’s veins are all twisted and gross. Edge drives at Batista, but the Animal hits a murderous clothesline. Ten count starts.

Both men are up and Batista hits a looooovely back body drop. It is beautiful. Batista then hits a swinging Rock Bottom on Edge but fails to hit the pinfall. He sets up the Batista Bomb but Edge escapes and hits the DDT. Edge is amazed that it means nothing. He rocks out, grabs his belt and the ref shouts at him. Roll-up from Batista. Roll-up from Edge. Dominator attempt by Batista, Edge-O-Matic from Edge. Both men are down, both men are up and a spear from Batista knocks the champ down. Edge whups his arm right up to hit the Animal with a low blow.

Edge has disqualified himself by an illegal action. Batista is the winner of this match but Edge still retains World Heavyweight Championship in… 16:50?

Something fucky’s going on here. Same thing happened ten years ago at In Your House 14: Revenge of the ‘Taker with Owen Hart and British Bulldog being illegally pinned by the Legion of Doom.

Teddy Long rocks out and restarts the match. He adds the stipulation that a further DQ will cause Edge to lose his championship. Edge bounces back in and the bell goes despite the fact that Batista is not ready. Edge prepares for the Spear, hits it and almost gets the pin! Almost! Edge runs out, gets a chair, remembers that it will mean he loses and rolls in only for Batista to attempt the Batista Bomb and throw Edge over the top rope. Batista gets thrown into the steel steps and then hits Edge with the Batista Bomb. However, he took so long that Batista gets counted out.

Batista has gotten himself counted out. Edge is the winner of this match and retains World Heavyweight Championship in 16:50.

2017 comments:

Have a screwy ending, only to restart the match… and have another screwy ending. Nice, guys. Very nice.

2007 comments:

Disappointed.

Grade: C.

No good storyline in this match. Batista has lost his chance to win the championship. He’s furious. He picks up the champ and hits a second Batista Bomb, his music plays and he leaves the ring. Batista punches the ring a bunch of times and the replays of his loss play. Distraught, he walks up the tron.

Cut to JR and Jerry, who talk about Fabulous Moolah, the madam. They have a wee laugh and show the original screwjob where Moolah was the “Spider Lady”, completely revising history, the bastards.

Melina appears with her paparazzi, smiling as she rocks down and splits to enter the ring. Bless her, she tries awful hard.

Candice Michelle appears, slapping hands and wearing… a garter belt to hold up her trousers? Weird. So weird.

WWE Women’s Championship: Melina (c) vs. Candice Michelle.

Right, everyone, take a knee. This is the piss break match, I guess.

Melina raises her hand for a test of strength, kicks Candice right between the legs and is thrown into the corner, hitting Melina with a head-scissors submission, moving into a tarantula before being kicked outside. Melina sits on the apron and tries a head scissors of her own, rolls into the ring and attempts a pin. Melina pops Candice into the corner, hits the double knees and gets another head-scissors on her before attempting a takedown. The announcers call Melina a “playboy wannabe”, reducing her to a glamour model. Bow and arrow submission followed by a pin attempt. Melina goes over the top rope and Candice hits a weak powerslam, shakes her hips and hits an elbow. Pin attempt and fail.

Bulldog by Candice and another pin attempt. Melina hits a Neckbreaker and fails again on the pin. Both women run the ropes and Candice wins by a pin after an embarrassing roundhouse kick. Her top also falls down.

Candice Michelle has pinned Melina to win the WWE Women’s Championship in 4:07.

2017 comments:

Embarrassing.

2007 comments:

She’s crying because she knows how shit it is.

Grade: Not a match.

Awful, just awful. Women wrestlers deserve better than this.

Cut to a promo for… WrestleMania? Oh, on DVD. Three discs, or so I’m told. Five hours of extras. Four hours of actual WrassleMania. Cunt Trump gets top billing.

Justin Roberts introduces Cunt JBL, who used to be a WWE Champ. He gets the grip to hand a piece of paper to Roberts and says that he must read from the paper, exactly. It wanks JBL off for a while. Fuck JBL.

Promo for the Five-Pack Challenge, which JR says is… “So unique.” It’s not. We see Mick, Booker, Cena, Randy and Bobbo Lasher as champions as they say what it means to be a champion. The five men tell the camera who they are. We see their “best moments”, which involves mostly Mankind.

Justin Roberts describes the chaos that will unfold: all five men will fight and the first to get a pinfall or submission will win. No eliminations.

Bobbo Lasher comes out first with his golden shower.

Micker Foley comes out next, facing it up.

Booker comes out with Queen Sharmell, the best queen. He has an odd animal fur cloak on. Weird dude. JR calls Sharmell beautiful. She is, she’s great looking. Long bloody entrance, mind.

Then Randy comes down with his great entrance theme tune, taking half an hour to get to the ring, jogging for a bit like the smelly jobber that he is. He hits the legend killer pose mid-ring and that’s him.

Cena keeps us waiting, you know, all four men await him and the crowd goes ballistic the second that his music hits.

Five-Pack Challenge for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Mick Foley vs. King Booker (with Queen Sharmell) vs. Randy Orton.

All five lads are in the ring, finally, and the match begins. Booker leaves and Sharmell gives him a lovely massage. Cena bops Randy, who gets a back-body drop from Lasher and is tossed over the rope by Mick. Booker comes in, tosses Cena out and hammers Lasher. Lashley hits a thunderous clothesline and tosses him out, hitting a very dangerous looking suicide dive onto all four men, picks up Booker and rolls him back in. Mid-ring, Lasher hits the Rack Attack and Cena breaks up the pin to big boos. Both big men face off and trade punches mid-ring. Lasher hits a great spinebuster and both men roll to the outside. Cena takes a bomp to the head from the steel steps and Lasher begins to prepare an announcer’s table for a bump.

Randy and Foley interrupts it as Booker and Foley fight by ringside. All the other men have a wee lie down, waiting for their own personal spot. Foley takes a real bad looking steel ring step bump and it’s Randy and Lasher’s turn to fight. Lasher counters an RKO, walks straight into an FU and is clobbered through the ECW announce table. Booker and Cena have a scrap in the ring mit Flair chops. Booker cracks Cena in the face with a boot and some lovely knees and Irish whip. Cena fights back and clobbers Booker before taking a Scissors kick to the back of the neck. Randy breaks up the pin and gets a punch to the face before Cena – no selling the Scissors kick – knocks him out, hits the sit-out powerbomb, attempts a Five Knuckle Shuffle but eats an RKO. Randy attempts the pin and Foley breaks it up, cracking Orton with elbows and a knee to the head before turning on Booker for a boot and hitting the double underhook DDT.

Foley whups Mr. Socko out of his jocks, eats a superkick from Booker and both he and Randy fall with a double clothesline. Foley throws the sock into the crowd and takes a steel chair into the ring. Cactus bops Bobby with the chair followed by Booker. Cena gets to his feet and eats a chair before Randy stops the carnage. The Viper stalks Foley, gives him the punt kick. And Cena gets ready for the FU with Booker, tosses him out and hits Mick with one instead for the pin.

John Cena has pinned Mick Foley to retain the WWE Championship in 18:08.

2017 comments:

Spotfest, but a fun spotfest.

2007 comments:

Mick was in it. Match of the Year.

Grade: A.

The DVD I was watching had the match at maybe 10 minutes, they must have cut out some rest holds. Cena celebrates and the WWE moves into a new and terrifying era.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but I’d say the final match was fast-paced and fun and put the onus on John Cena’s shoulders.

Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Sharmell? I choose Sharmell.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: John Cena

Best Spot: The parade of specials at the end of the Five-pack challenge.

Hatches: Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

Matches: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch retain their World Tag Team Championship; Chavo Guerrero retains his WWE Cruiserweight Championship; Santino Marella retains his WWE Intercontinental Championship; Montel Vontavious Porter retains his WWE United States Championship; Deuce ‘n Domino retain their WWE Tag Team Championship; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; Candice Michelle has the only title change of the evening, winning the WWE Women’s Championship from Melina for her first reign; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: We say goodbye to everyone: Batista, Bobby Lashley, Booker T, Candice Michelle, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cherry, CM Punk, Deuce, Domino, Edge, Jeff and Matt Hardy, Jimmy Superfly Snuka, Jimmy Wang Yang, John Cena, Johnny Nitro, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Mick Foley, Melina, MVP, Randy Orton, Ric Flair, Santino Marella, Sgt. Slaughter, Sharmell, Super Crazy and Umaga.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. I have done another one today because this is the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression section of this blog. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV (since WrestleMania 23). Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV – WrassleMania 23. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels (Summerslam 06), [REDACTED] Benoit (Survivor Series ’06), Joey Mercury (Royal Rumble 07), Stone Cold Steve Austin (WrestleMania 23).

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge and Shawn Michaels (Backlash 07), CM Punk and Elijah (Judgment Day 07), Batista and Edge (One Night Stand 07), John Cena (Vengeance: Night of Champions 07).

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… CM Punk and Elijah Burke!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell (Summerslam 06), Trish Stratus (Survivor Series 06), Victoria (Royal Rumble 07), N/A (WrestleMania 23).

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Mickie James (Backlash 07), N/A (Judgement Day 07), N/A (One Night Stand 07), Queen Sharmell (Vengeance: Night of Champions

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Mickie James because Queen Sharmell cannot win twice!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania (and the final PPV in this case), I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. This list is a bit shorter due to the fact that the shows have been so recent.

  • Andrew James Robert Patrick Martin AKA Test, March 17 1975 – March 13 2009; accidental overdose of oxycodone.
  • Christopher Michael Benoit, May 21 1967 – June 29 2009; hanging.
  • Edward Smith Fatu AKA Umaga, March 28 1973 – December 4 2009; heart attack caused by acute toxicity.
  • Harry Fujiwara AKA Mr. Fuji, May 4 1934 – August 28 2016; old age. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by Don “The Rock” Muraco.
  • James Reiher Snuka AKA Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, May 18 1943 – January 15 2017; unidentified terminal illness. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1996 by Don Muraco, though his profile is no longer available due to his alleged murder of Nancy Argentino in 1983.
  • Jonathan “Jon” Rechner AKA Balls Mahoney, April 11 1972 – April 12 2016; heart attack.
  • Lance Kurtis McNaught AKA Lance Cade, March 2 1981 – August 13 2010; heart failure caused by intoxication from mixed drugs.
  • Nelson Lee Frazier Jr AKA Viscera AKA Mabel AKA Big Daddy V, February 14 1971 – February 18 2014; heart attack.
  • Roderick George Toombs AKA Rowdy Roddy Piper, April 17 1954 – July 31 2015; cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Ric Flair in 2005.
  • Virgil Riley Runnels Jr AKA Dusty Rhodes, October 12 1945 – June 11 2015; a bad fall. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by his sons, Cody (Stardust) and Dustin (Goldust).

Closing Statements: I think that it’s only fair that I explain why I have decided to end this section of the blog at this PPV and it will come as no surprise that it is because of Chris Benoit. At the time of his death, professional wrestling had been an interest that had dwindled for me to a once-a-month event, more frequently if a match on Raw or Smackdown was highly gimmicked or was heard to be amazing. The only thing keeping me watching was – as I’m sure other fans were – the anticipation that if I stopped watching, I would somehow miss something amazing. Chris Benoit’s murder/suicide (although completely unrelated to storyline professional wrestling) stopped me watching for a while. As the details about the weekend of murders came to light, I realised that I could not watch a sport that allowed its employees to take such a punishment that would cause them to have brains in such disrepair that they could be brought to kill their son and wife. I still sometimes feel conflicted about it. The WWE, in fairness to them, took precautions to ensure that their employees are healthier today than they were back then. I feel that the wrestling now is better than it was in 2007 and even during the Attitude Era. Now, the wrestling is the best in the world and that is because the wrestlers are healthier and not taking chair shots every night. It’s a shame three people had to die for that to happen.

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Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good old Hardys. Never miss a ladder match. Miss a lot of spots, though.

Cut backstage to Khali cutting a rambling promo on Cena in Punjabi. His translator gives his promo in English. It’s nothing to write home about.

Cut to the ring where Tony Chimel is introducing the Lumberjack Match, where twelve lads stand outside the ring and wait until someone falls out and they push them back in. [REDACTED] Benoit arrives, looking super pissed off that he is not competing. Behind him is Valentine Venis, Santino Marella, Balls Mahoney, Steven Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Thorn, Chris Masters, Johnny Nitro, Chavo Guerrero, Kenny Dykstra mit dead fox and Carlito. There is little craic from them. Stevie Richards jumps on Balls’ back.

Somebody gon’ get they ass kicked! It’s Mark Henry! He’s out, covered in butter or whatever. The announcers sell the fact that Mark Henry is the World’s Strongest Man. This is before Game of Thrones, I suppose.

Big fiery pyro and Kane rocks out, popping into the ring and squaring up to Henry after hitting the turnbuckle pyro.

Lumberjack Match: Mark Henry vs. Kane.

This is the first match of the card that allows pinfall or submission, so you know it’s going to be great. Kane and Henry circle each other and Henry tosses him out. The Lumberjacks scatter, no way are they going near the Devil’s Favourite Demon. Big slow, methodical movement as Henry is tossed out. The Lumberjacks surround him and get tossed away easily. Henry rolls back in and he and Kane beat each other in the corner. Henry rolls out and Kane goes with him. The Lumberjacks are keeping their distance as Henry tosses him into the ringpost. Henry rolls into the ring and the Lumberjacks pick up Kane and allow him to enter. Henry continues to attack Kane’s back with double axe-handle nothings and club-like punches. Kane fights back with his great big punches and Henry retaliates with a powerslam. First pinfall attempt and a fail.

Kane headbutts out man Henry and gets knocked down for his effort. Both men are really selling the fact that they are glass cannons here. Both attacks do lots of damage. The fear is not that either men are impervious, more that regardless of their defence, their attack is brutal. Kane attempts a Rock Bottom but his back is sore. Val Venis is hammering out a tune on the ring, really reacting to everything in the ring. Cunt JBL gives off because he doesn’t like fun. Big rest hold city mid-ring as Mark hugs Kane. Kane falls to the floor and pulls Henry out. Kane goes top-rope, jumps and hits a bowling ball spot as the lads go sprawling everywhere. Chavo and Kenny help Kane back into the ring and two monsters punch each other for a while. Miz and Stevie Richards shout at each other as Kane goes to the top rope again, knocking Mark down, hitting a lovely chokeslam but two lumberjacks jump in before the pin can be applied.

Kane one-hand-chokeslams Kenny and Mark gives Kane another bear hug. Kane is hurt, he’s passing out. The ref is imploring him to quit, but he’s not giving up. The ref stops the match.

The match has finished due to ref stoppage. Mark Henry is the default winner in 9:07.

2017 comments:

Meh. It’s a nice way to get both men over as powerful without it being a stalemate but to end with a bearhug? I mean, come on, guys.

2007 comments:

Do you think that Kane and Henry are considered… bears?

Grade: C.

Not a good bunch of matches so far, if I’m honest. Replays of the match.

Cut to Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin who are complaining about the loss of the match. Shelton and Jeff square off. Punches are thrown. People break it up. It’s a real to-do, I tell you what.

Cut to Bobbo Lasher and McMahon Street Fight promo. Back in Wrasslemania, Vince got his head shaved by Cunt President Donald Trump and Stone Cold. Vince blamed Bobbo and took his ECW championship, which was bound to hurt him badly. Bobby beat a handicap match but Vince refused to give his championship up and so another rematch was called. Vince didn’t actually want one, but Shane protected his father’s ego by accepting. Makes little sense… unless Shane is trying to screw over Vince… again.

Justin Roberts introduces the Street Fight and its lack of disqualifications… which all matches so far have had. AND THEN GOD DAMMIT WWE YOU BRING OUT THE CHAMP FIRST AGAIN.

Vince rocks out with Shane and Umaga. Sure why not? It is his birthday. It is not his birthday. They’re talking about it being a three-on-one handicap match and Umaga being the “Samoan Bulldozer”. I’ve no real fear of that because Umaga has lost his winning streak. He’s pathetic now.

Bobby’s music hits and there is a decent pop for Roidy Lasher. He hits his pyro, covers himself in golden sparks and walks to the ring, hitting hit massive jump and more turnbuckle pyro.

Street Fight for the ECW World Championship: Vince McMahon (c) (with Umaga and Shane McMahon) vs. Bobby Lashley.

Shane and Vince in the ring, Bobby runs to the ropes, does a suicide dive, botches by holding onto the rope and barely grazes Umaha, who sells like death. Shane is hammering on Bobby, who knocks him down and tosses him out onto Umaga. Bobby and Vince are alone and the crowd goes wild as he rains punches on Vince. Shane rocks in, is tossed out, Umaga comes in and takes over for a second, but is thrown into a corner. Shane comes in with a chair, Lashley gets rid of him, tosses the chair and is about to hit Vince with a Dominator when Shane and Umaga take over, hitting Lasher with a DDT on the chair.

It’s three on one now and the first few minutes are forgotten as the pace slows, the men beat up Bobbo and he attempts to build up some babyface fire. Double team Irish whip into Vince, who kicks him in the balls. The announcers make it clear that something might happen on the table by moving back and saying, “uh oh!” Vince takes… a hammer? Something from a dude by the side of the ring. It’s a bell hammer, apparently. He doesn’t hit Lasher with it, just chokes him with it. Vince then chokes Lasher with a wire. We are halfway through the match here, not one pin attempt, neither announcer is making that a big deal. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop and a pin attempt is finally made but fails.

Vince hits a sad, sad spear on Lasher but gets nothing from the pinfall. Why he doesn’t get Umaga and Shane to hold Bobbo down during a pin is beyond me. Crowd is dead. Bobbo is held down by the McMahons and Umaga goes for the splash. Bobbo, at the last second, does a sit-up, Vince gets squashed and it’s time to go home. Both Shane and Umaga are tossed out. Bobbo gets the chair, cracks Vince with it and hammers on his back for a while. The announcers say that this is legal and a hell of a lot of fun to watch. Bobbo hits the Dominator, goes for the three but Umaga drags him out before he can get the pin.

Outside, Bobbo gets a chair after beating Umaga, but is knocked down. Umaga jumps to the floor from the apron and the announcer’s table is finally destroyed. Lashley is draped over the table, Shane goes to the corner and hits a lovely elbow that elicts, “Holy shit!” chants from the crowd. Bobby is thrown into the ring and a pin attempt is made and failed. Umaga rocks in to beat on Lasher in the corner. He rears back to hit the Rikishi arse-bump in the corner and Shane takes over with a trashcan, hoping to hit a Coast-to-Coast. No selling there from the younger McMahon. Bobby rolls out of the way at the last second, Umaga gets hit with the trashcan and Bobby gets his revenge with a spear once to Shane and then to Vince for the pin.

Bobby Lashley has pinned Vince McMahon to win the ECW World Championship in 12:23.

2017 comments:

A nice wee revenge match for the Lasher. Not amazing, but plays to the strengths of each other competitors and makes Lasher look really strong.

2007 comments:

I never get sick of seeing the McMahons lose.

Grade: B.

Lashley spears Vince again in the middle of his music. Replays shown and Bobbo goes to the back with his belt.

Cut to Maria and Santino chatting in Italian. They get interrupted by Todd who reminds Maria that Candice Michelle and Melina are having a pudding match. Maria spouts gibberish for a while. She doesn’t answer the question. Candice Michelle turns up and hits her three lines. She asks for a kiss for good luck and Maria gives her one. Santino says he loves America and Ron Simmons says, “Damn”. You couldn’t make this shit up.

Cut to the “pudding”, which seems to be filmed from a hoody.

Candice Michelle comes out and some very embarrassed fans hold up some very sad signs.

Melina’s music hits and out she comes. Both women are in bikinis. Melina even has goggles. JR tries to shill the next PPV. Both women stand awkwardly. This is going to be a long segment.

Pudding Match: Candice Michelle vs. Melina.

Of course, this match is not for the Women’s Championship, which makes it a waste of goddamn time even more than it was before I knew the title wasn’t on the line. Candice puts one foot in the pudding, grabs Melina and tosses her in. The women rock in the pudding for a while, slide out and get told to get back in. Candice slips. Sexy pin on the outside. JR and Jerry wonder about the rules of the pudding match. Double axe-handle nothing. The guys are finding it hard to realise who is who. The crowd chant for, “Boring.” There’s a DDT into the pudding. Jerry puts the sexiness of the women over. Candice drowns Melina and she taps out, well, slaps the pudding.

Melina has tapped out or suffered drowning in the pudding. Candice Michelle wins in 2:55.

2017 comments:

I would normally complain about this because women’s wrestling etc. but this match doesn’t pretend to be anything more than nonsense, so, in way, it’s the most successful match on the card.

2007 comments:

I wonder is it pudding.

Grade: Nooooope.

Maria turns up. Let’s see what happens.

She congratulates Candice on her win, Melina tosses pudding and Maria dives in. Then the ref is dragged in. Melina escapes and someone’s music plays as the faces hug.

On the Card will return on June 17 2017 with the third and final part of One Night Stand 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #17. Backlash (April 29, 2007) Part 1

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #17 Backlash – April 29, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on April 29, 2007, Backlash 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Backlash 2007

No tagline this time, but the posted is a brilliant parody of The Shining, with Edge looking through a smashed door with an evil grin on his face.

The PPV starts off with a video package showing us what happened at WrestleMania: Undertaker won, Vince got his head shaved and Cena beat Michaels. Vince gets his revenge against Bobby by putting his title on the line after beating him down.

Batista threatens Undertaker and Taker replies by wanting to steal Batista’s soul. Shawn and Cena fought, Cena won and Edge and Randy want a title as well. Three championships are on the line tonight… but also the women’s championship.

Raw, Smackdown and ECW present WWE Backlash! Big pyro hits as we are welcomed to the soled out Philips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia where 14,500 people are crammed in to see the ninth annual Backlash. 194,000 bought it at home, a pathetic drop from the 220,000 the year previous and the worst ratings in a PPV so far this year. Only ECW One Night Stand in June would have lower PPV buys. Our announce team are Jumpin’ Jim Ross, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Joey Styles, Tazz, Maggle Cole and Cunt JBL.

Jerking the curtain for the fifth PPV in a row are the Hardys.

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Carlito and Johnny Nitro. What? Why? Put… actually, there’s no one really you can put on the preshow because the rest of the matches are money.!)

Team Extreme rock down to the ring, tag team belts around their waists after winning it from Cena and Michaels the day after WrestleMania. Obviously their amazing match caused… dissention!

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch rock down, looking like a pair of hillbillies. Great. Remind me of the gosh-darned Godwinns.

World Tag Team Championship match: The Hardy Boyz (Matt and Jeff) (c) vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

I’ve changed up the titles of the matches. Putting champion first or in order of appearance.

Wait, why did the challengers appear second? This doesn’t make any sense!

Fat Matt starts off and our boy Lance Cade is ready in his red pants. Lance shoves Matt into the corner. Both men are put over by the announcers. Headlock into a pin and Lance tips Matt over for a pin attempt of his own. Irish whip, elbow to the face and the heel Cade hits Matt with a clenched fist, the bastard. Murdoch pops in and gets punched in the face. Matt has Lance in a headlock but the big man powers through and shoves Matt into the corner to tag in Murdoch. Lovely body slam and Jeff comes in to a big pop, but he tags out quickly.

Lovely double team on Murdoch and Jeff hits a Whispers in the Wind pin, causing Cade to pop in and Matt to throw him out. Matt gets on all fours and we see a lovely Poetry in Motion over the top rope and out of the ring. Very safe catch from the challengers. Matt goes to Bret’s rope and hits the axe-handle nothing, bulldog attempt from the corner and Lance comes back in. Big “Let’s go, Hardys!” chant rises. Matt is in the beat down portion of the match, but escapes after a Russian Leg Sweep and Jeff comes in to clear house. Good man, Jeff. Lance attempts a baseball slide but Lance drags him out. Cade attempts the pin but finds nothing. Lovely spinebuster-powerbomb and Matt helps out the pin. Lance does a lovely atomic-drop-leg-drop Murdoch holds Jeff while Lance hits him. Lovely clothesline and pin attempt.

Murdoch is in, attempts a suplex, rolls it up into a pin, Murdoch gives the big boot and Lance is back in. I just realised that the hard cam is in the wrong position, with the entrance to the right of the screen. I wonder why. Snapmare, lovely headlock and the crowd is building to the hot tag after Jeff hits the jawbreaker. Murdoch is in, though, hitting Jeff with a backdrop and there’s a revolving door of beating up Jeff until the hot tag builds. Jeff hits a reverse enziguri, Matt is knocked off the apron to big boos and Murdoch attempts a lovely axe-handle smash. Jeff counters it, goes for the hot tag and Matt is in, clearing house. Bulldog to Murdoch and pin attempt. A Poetry in Motion attempt but Lance pulls Murdoch to safety. Matt goes to hit the Twist of Fate, fails, hits a Side Effect and in the pin, Lance dives out of nowhere. Murdoch attempts a pin but Matt kicks out and JR says, “A damaged Matt Hardy,” a good decade before it’s popular.

Murdoch hits a lovely sunset flip pin and then has a tantrum when Matt kicks out. Jeff and Land are getting ready. Matt escapes a suplex, hits the Twist of Fate and as Lance pulls Matt out to hit him, Jeff hits the Swanton. Matt escapes Lance’s clutches and gets the pin.

Matt Hardy has pinned Trevor Murdoch to retain the World Tag Team titles in 14:18

2017 comments:

Good opener, once again. I didn’t expect much from Trevor Murdoch or Lance Cade, but they did a good job. Match was slower paced and leading towards a huge spot that never really came. Enjoyable but forgettable.

2007 comments:

I wish Matt and Jeff could go back to just hitting lads with tables and ladders and chairs.

Grade: B.

Matt and Jeff celebrate. A sign in the crowd says, “Jeff, please Swonton [sic] Bomb me.” Replay of the ending. Almost a heelish move by the faces. Very cheeky. We actually get to hear the ending riff of the Hardy’s theme. The announcers put over the “huge rock concert” crowd for the Hardys.

Backstage, Umaga breathes heavily. Shane bigs him up. Shane does tell him, however, to listen to both Shane and Vince. Vince has a do-rag on to cover his bald head. Shane says, “Cool.” Vince is telling Shane that one of the two of them could be ECW champion. Vince says it should be Shane and then looks a bit annoyed. Shane returns and says that Vince deserves to be Champ considering Bobby shaved his head bald. Vince accepts this and Shane looks a bit miffed.

Back in the arena, Melina’s music hits. Jerry says, “Let me put my phone down… and grab my binoculars!” Once again, the champ is coming out first. What is with that? Melina is wearing a weird leopard print affair. She leg drops the apron.

Mickie James’ music hits and out she comes, waving to the crowd and getting little response.

WWE Women’s Championship match: Melina (c) vs. Mickie James.

Normally, the women’s match would be the piss-break match – and has been until quite recently when talented young women have been brought up – and here we have Mickie, who is quite good and passionate against Melina, who is a Diva and has not impressed in the ring recently.

Nice fireman’s carry from Mickie. JR says that this match might get out of order quickly due to their tempers and King says that we might see an actual wrestling match. JR says that he loves a wrestling match but also loves him a good catfight. The crowd chant for Mickie and she locks Melina up in a head scissors. Side headlock. Mickie checks her tits as Melina checks her eyes. She actually takes her contact out and then sucker punches Mickie. Great stuff. Mickie has Melina in the corner, lovely monkey flip, pin and nothing. Mickie goes top rope and Melina tosses her out. Ref starts the ten count and rolls in before the ref can count her out. Ref is very nice about making sure that the shoulders are down. Melina hits a tarantula on the ropes and JR says that it doesn’t matter if there’s a DQ – Melina keeps the championship either way. Melina goes top-rope and basically hangs Mickie from the turnbuckle. God damn.

Mickie fights back and the crowd pops. Melina sentons Mickie and JR quips: “That’s that you call ‘using all your assets’.” Mickie gives Melina a kick and both women get they gets kicked out to make a lovely double-split spot. Mickie dropkicks Melina twice. Long two-count. Mickie hits a great clothesline followed by another followed by a hair-pull and a fantastic sit-out neckbreaker. Close three count. Crowd are into this match now. Mickie hits a lovely crossbody and Melina replies with a reverse DDT for the pin.

Melina has pinned Mickie James to retain the Women’s title in 9:02.

2017 comments:

Great women’s match. Great match regardless of gender.

2007 comments:

Women can wrassle?!

Grade: A.

On the Card will return on May 6 2017 with the second part of Backlash 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #16. WrestleMania 23 (April 1, 2007) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Cunt Trump.

Cut to John Cena baby promo. What a guy. I love Cena.

It’s Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole as they remind us of the dark match that aired before WrassleMania with the lumberjack match. They run through the entire card and remind us how this has been the best WrestleMania ever. They are interrupted by the Lumberjills! Talentless hacks Jillian Hall, Candice Michelle, Kelly Kelly, Trinity, Torrie Wilson, Brooke, Kristal Marshall, Michelle McCool and Maria and talented ladies Mickie James, Layla and Victoria. This is the third piss-break match of the evening. Cunt JBL is loving it.

Ashley Massaro’s music hits and out she comes to farty streamers. Christ. Shameful all together, Ashley. The announcers big up Ashley’s Playboy cover and the fact that she’s attractive.

Melina appears, complete with papparazi and fur hood. No jacket, just a hoof. She has the women’s title belt with her and holds it over her head as she walks to the ring. Her tights have patterns on the front and back to make it look like she is wearing a nude suit.

Lumberjill match for the WWE Women’s Championship: Melina (c) def. Ashley Massaro via pin in 3:40.

Let’s get into this, I suppose. Ashley batters onto Melina, who rolls out and is tossed back in. Botched roll-up and Ashley is thrown into the ropes. Boot to the throat and Melina takes a couple of forearms to the face. Maggle reminds us that he is a straight man who likes women. Melina swings Ashley by her legs, botches a pin and Ashley kicks out. Melina lifts Ashley up in some attempt at a bow and arrow. Ashley hits a head scissors. The crowd is dead. Lovely monkey flip from Ashers and she tries to drop the elbow but misses. Melina is confused that this doesn’t somehow get her a pin. Botched pin gives Melina the win in 3:40.

2017 comments:

Piece of shit.

2007 comments:

I just wish that they’d go back to 1997 and have no women’s matches rather than this garbage.

Grade: Not a real match. Exploitation of women should never be graded.

This waste of time is followed up by Ashers throwing Melina out and the ladies jump in and there’s a schmoz. It’s horrific. Mickie checks her top and doesn’t get a chance to pair up with anyone. The faces all wave and smile and shout at one another. Waste of time and a waste of money. People will pay to see good women’s wrestling, but you need good women wrestlers, God dammit. Makes me happy that I watch wrasslin’ now with Charlotte, Bayley, Sasha, Paige (when sober), Becky Lynch et al. Women who are also wrestlers.

Not the Bellas though, fuck them.

Cut to a Shawn Michaels promo showing him as he has grown up and been a great wrassler. Still a child at heart, our Shawn.

We have fifty minutes left of the pay-per-view and 59% think John Cena will win the championship and 41% think Shawn will win. This is going to be a great match.

Promo showing Randy, Edge and Shawn squaring off for the chance to go to WrestleMania 23. Shawn wins and John is pleased with this. We see the Doctor of Thuganomics and the Showstopper do their moves in slow motion. Shawn superkicks, Cena FUs. Hustle, Loyalty, Respect. It’s a fucking terrific promo, actually, and really bigs up the face-vs-face match. This is the biggest one since Stone Cold/Rock of 2001. We see Shawn Sweet Chin Musicing Cena, thus making him the semi-heel.

Back to the arena and Lillian introduces the-

Oh fuck, Shawn, are you still using the DX music? Come in to Sexy Boy, for God’s sake. I keep wishing they would cut and change it in the middle of it. Shawn showboats for the crowd and gives the audience a seizure. He hits the crotch chops and big X pyro hits. Cena and Michaels are tag team champs. It would have been great to have them fight earlier in the night and defend their titles before they come out for this. Really get more drama from this. Shawn hits his sexy boy pose and very weak pyro goes off above him. Michaels gives a face to the ref as the image cuts to a Mustang screeching through the roads on the way to Ford Field, barrelling down into the underground and the car smashes clean through the WrestleMania glass to reveal-

Dun dun dun dun! John Ceeeeeena! He pops up to the ramp, gives the salute and rocks down to the ring, full of piss and vinegar. I do adore Cena. I do not look forward to hearing the truth about him that he beats up kids or whatever. Shawn does not look impressed. Belt is shown to both men. They stare each other out. Ref carries out checks on both men to ensure neither have weapons.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) def. Shawn Michaels via submission in 28:22.

It’s difficult to see who is the underdog here – probably Shawn. He’s also the most heelish of the two. They both gesture to one another and stand toe-to-toe. Shawn offers his hand and the two speak. Cena is annoyed and Shawn slaps him. Cena is knocked down by the chops and Shawn crotch chops. Rascal. Cena is frustrated. Lock-up and Shawn gets Cena into a headlock, out-manoeuvring him every step of the way. Cena lifts Michaels for the backdrop but Shawn lands it and once again knocks Cena down. Cena takes his time standing up and Shawn gestures to him. Slowly, they both stand up and once again, Cena gets the bad end of it and is the victim of a snapmare. Chat of, “Let’s go, Cena/Cena sucks!” rises.

Another snapmare from Cena and a pin attempt followed by another. Michaels ducks once, twice and on the third, Cena clotheslines Shawn down. Both men share a wicked look and Shawn jumps up, hitting Cena with the Thesz press. Shawn lands on the apron after being thrown out, guillotines Cena and then hip-tosses him outside. Lovely knife-edge chop to Cena from Michaels. Shawn throws Cena onto the table, hits a lovely springboard moonsault but fails to break the table. Undeterred, Shawn rolls Cena back in the ring, chops Cena in one corner, bops Cena with the forearm, gives him another chop and throws him into the corner. Cena attempts to kick, Michaels catches it and attacks his knee. Michaels then works the knee, kicking it, battering it against the ringpost. It looks like a shoot fight. Great psychology here. Fair play to the pair of yis.

Referee Mike Chioda gives off to both men and allows Shawn to hit another knife-edge chop on Cena and King tells us that he did not expect this type of match. I don’t think anyone did. Which is great! Shawn gets down to Cena’s level and both men are having a wee chat. The pace has slowed down and Both men are tired. They trade blows for a bit and Cena eventually gives a big right-hand to take Cena down. JR tells us that a one-legged man cannot be WWE Champ… no offense to any one-legged men. Cena throws Shawn away and as Shawn dives over, Cena dodge, allowing Michaels to hit the ringpost. The camera stays on Cena so that Michaels can have a chance to blade.

His eyebrow bust, Michaels gets unsteadily to his feet. Cena batters on Michaels, hammers him in the face and uses this momentum to hit the sit-out powerbomb, five-knuckle shuffle to great boos. Michaels gets to his feet and Cena lifts him for an FU, Shawn escapes but allows himself to be turned inside out by the Irish whip. He dodges another FU attempt, Cena ducks the superkick and ref takes a bump. Cena picks Michaels up for the FU, Shawn counters it into a DDT and both men have a lovely sit down. Michaels is bleeding, spitting, and gets the steel ring steps, drags Cena around and hits a piledriver on Cena. It looks nasty. Cena has a big-ass head and chances are that Cena’s head would not have been totally protected. Cena sells like death and as Michaels rolls him back into the ring, we see that Cena’s head is cut open. Christ. That looked messy.

In the ring, Shawn calls for a new ref and down rolls Jack Doan who hits the one, two and Cena kicks out. Shawn lifts Cena up and Cena wakes enough to counted an Irish whip. Michaels hits the shoulder barge, kip-up, goes to the top rope to hit the elbow and lands it. He showboats for a while and Cena finally gets up, Shawn tunes up the band and as he goes for Sweet Chin Music, Cena clotheslines him down. Michaels spits and the two men trade punches. Cena lifts Shawn for the FU but Michaels rolls around and there is a sunset pin that gets a two-count. Cena picks Shawn up for another FU and gets it. The crowd is on their feet and a lot of them are not happy. Cena gets the cover but Shawn kicks out. Thunderous applause.

Cena picks up Shawn onto the turnbuckle and keeps him there with a brave few punches. Cena attempts the super-FU but Michaels escapes, punches Cena until he falls, hits the lariat but Cena rolls through, lifting Shawn up for another FU. Michaels escapes, attempts the Sweet Chin Music but Cena drop-toe-holds him, attempts the STFU and Shawn rolls it into a pin attempt. Michaels attempts the enziguri, misses and Cena locks in the STFU. Shawn attempts to get to the ropes, gets there and the ref manhandles Cena and shouts at him. Michaels takes advantage of the situation to hit Sweet Chin Music. Shawn covers Cena but only gets a two-count. Cena and Shawn have a lovely wee chat for a while. Some arseholes in the crowd keep crotch chopping when the camera is on them. Big ten count and both men are up before then, leaning on each other. Cena lifts Shawn up for the FU, Michaels escapes, drop-toe hold and Michaels is caught in the STFU and taps out in 28:22.

2017 comments:

Great match. Great psychology. Not fantastic rate of work, though.

2007 comments:

Poor Shawn. At least you tried.

Grade: A.

JR bigs up the match and WrestleMania and life in general. King agrees with him. John Cena lifts the belt and big-ass pyro hits. He points to the camera and says, “This win is for you,” and King suggests that he’s talking about his daddy, John Cena Sr. Replays of the match. We see the close-falls, the FUs, the SCMs, the STFUs, the HBKs.

Cena stops Michaels on his way down the ramp. Michaels walks away from him and salutes him. Why the pair of them couldn’t hug is beyond me. Big glitter falls from the sky. JR thanks us and wishes us goodnight.

There follows a package showing WrestleManias of years past as well as clear references within this ‘Mania.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I would have love to nominate Shawn Michaels for his great match but he’s already won at SummerSlam 06, so I’m nominating Stone Cold Steve Austin for Stunnering Cunt President Donald Trump and doing what the majority of the planet want to do.

Woman of the Matches: No one.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: No one!

Best Spot: Jeff Hardy leg dropping Edge on the ladder.

Hatches: Cunt President Donald Trump appears for the first and, thankfully, last time this blog. Layla competed for the first and last time, as did Maria and Snitsky. Stone Cold appeared for the first time since Judgment Day 2002. As it is WrestleMania, a lot of people have turned up after a long absence including Balls, Charlie Haas, Dave Taylor, Elijah Burke, Hacksaw, Little Guido, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker, Rory and Robbie McAllister, Stevie Richards, Sylvan, Val Venis and Vince.

Matches: Mr. Kennedy becomes the third Money in the Bank champion; [REDACTED] Benoit retains his US Championship, in his fifth reign; Vince loses his hair; The Undertaker defeats Batista to secure his first reign as World Heavyweight Champion; Melina defeats Ashley Massaro to retain her WWE Women’s Championship for her first reign; and John Cena defeats Shawn Michaels to retain his WWE Championship in his third reign.

Dispatches: We say goodbye to the following people in this era: Ariel, Ashley Massaro, Balls Mahoney, Cunt Bob Holly, Brian Kendrick, Brooke, Dairvari, Cunt President Donald Trump, Eugene, Finlay, Hurricane Helms, Jamie Noble, Jillian Hall, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, JTG, Kelly Kelly, Kevin Thorn, Kristal, Layla, Little Guido, Viscera, Maria, Michelle McUndertakerwife, Paul London, Mr. Kennedy, Robbie and Rory McAllister, Sabu (thank Christ), Scotty 2 Hotty, Shad Gaspard, Shannon Moore, Sho Funaki, Snitsky, Kenny Dykstra, Steven Richards, Stone Cold, Sylvan, The Miz, Torrie Wilson, Trinity, Val Venis and Victoria.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels (Summerslam 06), [REDACTED] Benoit (Survivor Series ’06), Joey Mercury (Royal Rumble 07).

Nominated for Man of the Matches: Jimmy Wang Yang and Stone Cold Steve Austin

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Stone Cold!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell (Summerslam 06), Trish Stratus (Survivor Series 06), Victoria (Royal Rumble 07).

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: N/A and N/A.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… No one because the women were shite!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania, I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. This list is a bit shorter due to the fact that the shows have been so recent.

  • Andrew James Robert Patrick Martin AKA Test, March 17 1975 – March 13 2009; accidental overdose of oxycodone.
  • Christopher Michael Benoit, May 21 1967 – June 29 2009; hanging.
  • Edward Smith Fatu AKA Umaga, March 28 1973 – December 4 2009; heart attack caused by acute toxicity.
  • Harry Fujiwara AKA Mr. Fuji, May 4 1934 – August 28 2016; old age. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by Don “The Rock” Muraco.
  • Jonathan “Jon” Rechner AKA Balls Mahoney, April 11 1972 – April 12 2016; heart attack.
  • Lance Kurtis McNaught AKA Lance Cade, March 2 1981 – August 13 2010; heart failure caused by intoxication from mixed drugs.
  • Nelson Lee Frazier Jr AKA Viscera AKA Mabel AKA Big Daddy V, February 14 1971 – February 18 2014; heart attack.
  • Roderick George Toombs AKA Rowdy Roddy Piper, April 17 1954 – July 31 2015; cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Ric Flair in 2005.
  • Virgil Riley Runnels Jr AKA Dusty Rhodes, October 12 1945 – June 11 2015; a bad fall. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by his sons, Cody (Stardust) and Dustin (Goldust).

Closing Statements: It was a good WrestleMania. Not amazing, but certainly better than most of the PPVs previous. The ladder match was fun as was the Benoit/MVP match. The main event was not as good as I expected it to be, but still of a very high standard and the psychology was wonderful.

On the Card will return on April 29 2017 with Backlash 2007.

 

Ruthless Aggression #15. No Way Out (February 18, 2007) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on February 18, 2007, No Way Out 2007. It was a Smackdown the first of its kind since Armageddon in December 2006. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

No Way Out 2007

No tagline this time either. The poster is The Undertaker in a dark hallway, looking through his eyebrows. Behind him is a barred door. The “No Way Out” at the bottom has chains on it. I see the subtle innuendo.

The opening is a slow walk through a prison. “Tonight, for these four superstars… There is no way out.” Vince says that there is going to be a tag team match between Cena and Michaels vs. Undertaker and Batista. He says this match is one the likes of which will never be seen before. It’s a match where there’s no trust between the tag teams. Nope. Never seen this before in my entire life ever.

We see some sort of labyrinthine hallway of doors and cells before we are told that SmackDown! presents WWE No Way Out. Just as the superstars are stuck in a prison of their own creation, we too are stuck in the fucking Staples Centre, Los Angeles, California where 14,000 people are in attendance with a buyrate of 218,000 at home, a tiny drop from the 220,000 the previous year. There’s big pyro and my heart stops as Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL invite us to the detour on the Road to Wrasslemania. They say that this last-minute crap tag is the biggest main event in SmackDown history. We are about to be introduced to our Spanish colleages but Cunt JBL shouts racist things about hating bi-lingual places. I tell you what, I can’t wait to see the back of him.

Despite his racism, we see our lovely Spanish colleagues, Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich. A great pair of lads. They hammer on in Spanish for ages. What a pair of lads. Hugo ends it with, “Waaaaow!”

 (Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring… Rob Van Dam against Shelton Benjamin?! What did either of them do to deserve that?)

Oh great, the first match is a six-man tag. Fucking Teddy Long and his love for tag matches. There will be four this evening. This… displeases me. The first one out is MVP, our boy with his big-ass legs and awesome pyro. He’s a great heel. We need someone like him. Cole says that this is, “a treat”, similar to how someone might give you fruitcake as a treat, which is neither a fruit nor a cake.

Big red carpet and down comes Mankin- sorry, it’s MNM. Joey is still rocking that mask, though. Fair play to you, big man. Take a bow. Melina is there with an ill-fitting top on. JBL quotes The Mask, which is not the first time. Melina lifts her legs onto the apron and we see her bottom. JBL: “Even you would like that, Michael.” Cole: “I… love it.” And now JBL likes Mexicans.

Hardys come out. Jeff is raving away there, winged off his tits. The annoucners really big up the match at Armageddon where the Hardys hit the leg drop and bust open Joey.

Down comes [REDACTED] Benoit. No big entrance for him. He just walks down and lifts his US championship belt. JBL gives off because Cole says, “Ohhhh my!”

Siz-Man Tag Team match: [REDACTED] Benoit and The Hardy Boyz def Montel Vontavious Porter and MNM (w/ Melina) via submission in 14:19.

No titles on the line here, no one cares. It’s a payday for the lot of them. Jeff and Joey maybe have beef over the ladder incident and although Johnny and Matt will stand up for their partners, MVP and Benoit are just along for the ride. Big “Hardy!” chant rises from the crowd as Joey and Matt square off. Cole bigs up the rivalry between MNM and Hardys as Melina screams at ringside. Joey gets a boot to the face and Matt hits the axe-handle nothing. Jeff comes in and goes for the pin instantly but gets naught. Matt is back in and Johnny is tagged. Lovely hip toss by Matt followed by slaps on the back. MVP tags himself in and goes for a dodgy bodyslam. Benoit is in and rips on MVP. Cole tells us that he has only one gear – fifth gear.

MVP fights back and a lovely snapmare and pin but gets nothing. MVP escapes, tags in Joey, who refuses. MVP is back in and gets tossed about by Benoit. Lovely snap suplex and pin attempt. Jeff is in and beats on MVP in the corner. Johnny scrambles about the place and gets a backwards enziguri and double leg drop to Johnny’s balls. Nitro slaps Hardy and they chase each other when Little Naitch’s back is turned. Crappy snapmare – crapmare – and Johnny is holding Jeff in a little spooning cuddle mid-ring. Jeff gets to his feet, batters Johnny in the midsection and Melina is frustrated that a pin attempt did not work. More chinlocks on Jeff. Chinlock city.

MVP is back in and distracts the ref while Johnny hits on Jeff. Nice suplex and pin attempt. Johnny is back in and hits Jeff with an attempted backdrop but Jeff hits Whisper in the Wind. Matt is in for the tepid tag and clears house, hits the bulldog from the corner, hits the Side Effect. Matt gets a backdrop from MVP and a snapmare followed by chinlock city. MVP hits the gutwrench and hits an elbow with theatrics. Benoit breaks up the pin. Mercury is in, getting the thumb in Matt’s eye like Umaga. Gimmick infringement. Melina goes to slap Matt but the ref turns around. Joey is in the corner with his team mates, beating on Matt. Nitro attempts the pin but gets nothing. Facelock city.

The crowd claps, attempting to get the hot tag up. Matt hits the clothesline, can’t seem to get to Benoit but goes eventually. Benoit clears house and hits a lovely suplex of Joey onto MVP followed by a double German suplex as MNM hold on to each other for dear life. Hardys hit Poetry in Motion. Matt hits the Twist of Fate but Cole calls it a side effect. Jeff hits the Swanton, Benoit gets the flying headbutt and MVP breaks up the pin. Jeff attempts a sunset flip on Nitro outside but fails. MVP tries to DQ Benoit with a US Championship to the face but Johnny breaks it up. Joey beats on Benoit and MNM go for the Snapshot, attempts the cover, fails and hits the crossface instead, getting the win in 14:19.

2017 comments:

Not a great curtain jerker and has crescendo booking with nothing happening for most of the match then everyone hits their finishers and the faces win.

2007 comments:

Why was Benoit there?

Grade: B

Backstage, the “vivacious” Kristal is there, forgetting her lines. “The wife of Eddie Guerrero… (legit pause of about five seconds)… Vicky Guerrero.” Christ, you’re a terrible woman. Big boos and big pauses again. Kristal and Vicky shamble their way through a shitty promo and awkward hug.

Cut to Finlay and Little Bastard as they cut a shitty promo on little people. Finlay tells Little Bastard to stay where he is. He refuses so Finlay puts him in a bin, which smokes and turns red. It turns out that Little Boogeyman was inside. Repulsive.

Back in the arena, it’s time for the Cruiserweight Open. It’s basically a shitty Royal Rumble.

Oh wait, no, I take that back. The first entrant is Scotty 2 Hotty. This is going to be the best match of the card, y’all haters can go fuck yourselves. Out comes the hyped up – and best – member of Too Cool.

Daivari’s music hits. He comes out with little fanfare but by gum he looks great. He was given such a shitty gimmick.

Cruiserweight Open for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Chavo Guerrero def. Gregory Helms (c), Scotty 2 Hotty, Daivari, Sho Funaki, Shannon Moore, Jimmy Wang Yang and Jamie Noble via elimination in 14:11.

A First Challenger Appears: Scotty 2 Hotty.

A Second Challenger Appears: Daivari.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Daivari has an earring. The fool. Daivari goes for three pins in a row instantly, followed by a bodyslam and some punches to the face. Daivari gets some heat from the crowd for being Middle-Eastern. Racists. Scotty hits the facebuster and hits the WORM. Brilliantly awful move. He gets the pin from it.

Daivari has been eliminated by Scotty 2 Hotty in 1:39.

A Third Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

It’s the current Cruiserweight Champion! Down he comes to the ring, gets bopped a few times by Scotty and the pair of them trade blows in the corner. Scotty looks like he’s crying and gets a slingshot to the throat. Pin attempt and fail. The crowd bay for Scotty, but we know he’s done. He charges Helms into the corner, follows it up with smacks to the face and Scotty hits the backdrop, attempts another WORM, gives Scotty a knee to the face and the pin.

Scotty 2 Hotty has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 2:06.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Sho Funaki.

Oh no! It’s the sneaky Japanese!

Funaki slides in, wearing his Smackdown trunks, goes for the cross-body but Helms rolls through, grabs the tights, shows off Funaki’s arse and gets the pin.

Sho Funaki has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 26 seconds.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Shannon Moore.

Looking like a Jeff Hardy from some alternate universe, Shannon Moore rocks up with his Mohawk and mental makeup. The two roll out and Shannon hits a lovely springboard to hurricanrana. Shannon hits the spinebuster and pin attempt but fails. Shannon hits a lovely bridging pin followed by a jumping neckbreaker. Cunt JBL and Cole share homophobic remarks. Helms hits the superplex on Moore and a knee to the jaw followed by a pin.

Shannon Moore has been eliminated by Gregory Helms in 2:02.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Jimmy Wang Yang.

This has been a great match so far… for Gregory Helms. It’s okay, though, our resident redneck is down to kick some arse and take some names. Lovely standing moonsault and “yahoo!” from Jimmy Wang Yang. He goes for the ten-punch and fails. Lovely roll-up and Wang Yang hits the side-Russian leg sweep followed by a weird submission. Top-rope moonsault that misses and Helms knocks him down. Jimmy Wang Yang hits the hurricanrana and gets the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Jimmy Wang Yang in 1:49.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Jamie Noble.

Before Noble comes out, Helms hits the neckbreaker, laying Jimmy Wang Yang out. Noble goes for the pin as Gregory Helms watches on. Big slaps from Noble and another pin attempt. Lovely body slam and leg drop and Cunt JBL keeps talking despite the fact that no one wants him here. Chinlock city. Awkward Irish whip and Noble attempts the pin but fails after Jimmy rockets into the turnbuckle. Jimmy stunners Noble and hits the Atomic Drop. An almost pin after a dropkick. Suplex attempt and Noble escapes, hits the spinning leg kick. Jimmy goes to the top rope and slaps at Jimmy. Goes for the superplex but Jimmy says no and hits the top-rope moonsault for the pin.

Jamie Noble has been eliminated by Jimmy Wang Yang in 3:43.

Jimmy Wang Yang is the Winner of the WWE Cruiser-

Ohhh, Chavo!

An Eighth and Final Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

Whaaat? A surprise entry? Christ!

Chavo jumps in and the pair of them square off before Chavo hits the side-suplex and boots on Jimmy. Roidy Guerrero attacks Jimmy and takes a spinning leg kick to the face. Chavo is sent out over the top and Jimmy goes to the top-rope, hits a monstrous cross-body, rolls Chavo in, hits a missile dropkick but Chavo counters and hits the Three Amigos, goes to the top, gets mega boos for attempting the frog splash but Jimmy hits a top-rope Hurricanrana, almost gets the pin. He goes top rope again but Chavo is there to stop him. He is knocked off the top rope. Jimmy attempts the corkscrew moonsault, Chavo dodges, hits the Frog Splash and the pin.

Jimmy Wang Yang has been eliminated by Chavo Guerrero in 4:07.

Chavo Guerrero is the Winner of the WWE Cruiserweight Open and new WWE Cruiserweight Champion in 14:11.

2017 comments:

I don’t understand the point of this. Is there a feud developing here? Who is supposed to go over? Had Helms squashed everyone but just been barely able to put Jimmy Wang Yang away and Jimmy had fought Jamie for a good few minutes followed by a tough match with Chavo, I can understand it. Add six minutes onto the runtime and add that into the last three bouts and I can get it: Jimmy Wang Yang is good enough not only to put away a tired Gregory Helms, but also fight toe-to-toe with Noble and Guerrero before he finally loses. Then Helms would go over – a tough champ who put away all other challengers – and Jimmy would go over – he beat the champ – and Chavo would go over – he beat the tired winner. But… it was a clean finish. Jimmy just lost. And who wants to see Chavo with a belt? No one.

2007 comments:

I like Jimmy Wang Yang.

Grade: B

Disappointing, both for the fans and the wrestlers. We already hate Chavo. No need to make us hate him more. I see that Vicky isn’t there to congratulate him. Obviously they’ve split up and expanded their evil into other areas of the Fed. Replays of the win. Cole calls him disrespectful and the crowd can’t give less of a shit about him.

On the Card will return on February 25 2017 with the second part of No Way Out 2007!

Ruthless Aggression #14. Royal Rumble (Jan 28, 2007) Part 1

Ruthless Aggression #14: Royal Rumble – January 28, 2007.

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on January 28, 2007, twentieth Royal Rumble aired. It was a WWE PPV with superstars from its Raw, Smackdown and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Survivor Series in November 2006. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Royal Rumble 2007

No tagline this time either, though the poster did show lots of WWE superstars photoshopped in doing all their different finishing manoeuvres and hulking up for the camera.

The opening shows a bit of a flashback of the last twenty years of Rumbles, with big winners like Rock, Stone Cold, Shawn Michaels and Trrrrriple H. The announcers remind us that the winner of the Rumble goes to headline Wrasslemania. We see all the competitors having a bit of a fight. Kennedy vs Batista is involved, as well as… Bobby Lashley vs. Test? In what universe would anyone want to watch that? And Cena vs. Umaga for a Last Man Standing match? Didn’t Cena just beat Umaga at New Year’s Revolution? Where could this feud possibly go from here? And who cares? Oh, we saw Umaga beatdown Cena with the help of two other men. So that’s why it’s happening, because Umaga mercilessly hit Cena when he was down.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring JTG (with his Cryme Tyme ally, Shad Gaspard defeat Lance Cade (who was with his partner, Trevor Murdoch). Very exciting.)

Bad CGI’d road to show that it is the Road to Wrasslemania. Big pyro goes off and the arena fills with smoke and signs. Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler invite us to the AT&T Centre in San Antonio, Texas. Ten years previous, the Royal Rumble was in the Alamodome for Rumble ’96 (and they will return there this year – tomorrow night, in fact – for the Royal Rumble 2017. We have 13,500 people in attendance tonight (less than the 16,000 the year previous) and 491,000 PPV buys at home (less than the 550,000 the year previous). Jerry can’t wait but I can because Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL are infroduced as the announcers for Smackdown and Tazz and Joey Styles announce for ECW. Tazz says, “Notwithstanding that,” and wears sunglasses inside because he is an idiot. We don’t get introduced to any foreign announcers because fuck ‘em.

The red carpet! The fur coats! The exposed cleavage! It’s MNM, showing Joey Mercury’s face from the attack at Armageddon, back in December 2006. Melina enters and shows her bottom. They reshow the attack that bust open Joey’s face in super sexy slow motion and-

Wait. Is Joey wearing a tongue piercing? You idiot! Keep all the things that can hurt your face away from your face!

Matt and Jeff enter and we see that Johnny Nitro took down Matt Hardy after he won a match against Joey. Absolute bastards, the lot of them. JR tells us that this match is unique because Matt and Joey are on Smackdown while Jeff and Johnny are on Raw so this is an inter-brand tag team match.

The Hardy Boyz def MNM (w/ Melina) via pin in 15:27.

No titles on the line here and both teams aren’t even in the ring before the bell goes. Woah woah woah, WWE, calm the beans, brother. The crowd bay for the Hardys and Matt and Joey attempt to enter but Johnny jumps in first before tagging in Joey. Matt apparently dislocated his jaw back at the attack on Smackdown, which is dumb of him to come into the ring then, huh? But then again, the Hardys aren’t the smartest boys. MNM work over Matt for a bit but he takes over for a second and tags in Jeffrey who does a little dropkick and attempts a pin from it. Joey knocks him into the corner and Johnny tags in. Jeff does an atomic drop followed by a double leg drop and attempts another pin. Calm down. Jeff tags in Matt.

Double clothesline and JR gets Jeff and Matt mixed up. Matt hits a lovely suplex to Joey and Johnny gets his head bounced off the turnbuckle followed by a swinging neckbreaker from Matthew. Johnny escapes, punches Matt who sells the jaw and tags in Joey. Joey looks great in that mask, better than normal anyways. Joey punches Matt, hurts his hand, tags himself out and Johnny works over Matt with weak and safe offence. Johnny attempts the pin and gets only a two. Johnny and Matt have a chat for a moment as we see a replay of Joey kicking Matt in the head. Joey is tagged back in and hit a double knee-shot as Melina screeches. Another pin attempt, another fail followed by a second of each. Joey beats mercilessly on Matt and follows it up with a clothesline that Joey sells as Matt’s jaw actually hurt him. I like that. Chinlock city for a while. Melina is squinting and needs glasses.

Mercury goes for a Bret’s rope elbow but fails and Jeff jumps in as Nitro follows and the pace speeds up. Hardy hits a lovely top-rope Whisper in the Wind and Joey breaks it up. Matt pops in, hitting a lovely suplex on Joey and a double suplex on Johnny. Both men go for the stereo top-rope attack with Johnny lifting his knees to foil Jeff’s splash, but takes Matt’s leg drop on the throat. Joey is tagged in and Jeff is hurt. A pin attempt fails mid-ring as Joey elbows him and JR gets Nitro and Mercury mixed up! C’mon, bro, get your names right!

Nitro and Jeff are in now, and Joey is tagged in as they do a double leg drop on Jeff. Melina tries to get them going and the crowd chant to raise Jeff to his knees and he goes for a lovely inside cradle, getting only a two but Mercury is angry about it and you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. MNM hit the double gut-buster and Matt jumps in for some reason. Nitro and Jeff have some rest mid-ring as Johnny hits the scissors on Jeff to allow both men to relax and take some air in. The pair get into a scrum as Jeff aims for Matt, building up to the hot tag. Jeff gives Johnny a back body drop and tags Matt in but the ref doesn’t see it. MNM jump in when the ref is distracted and beat on him in their corner. JR reminds us of the rules, “Break on four, disqualified on five.”

Tag has been made but Jeff fights back, causing MNM to hit each other. Hot tag to Fat Matt who cleans house, lovely back body drop on Nitro and Matt bulldog-clotheslines the pair of them. Close pin attempt and Matt goes to Bret’s rope for a weak elbow. Two count. Jeff intervenes and the pair his Poetry in Motion twice. The second time, Nitro escapes and rolls up Matt for a close two-count. Matt hits the Side Effect, Twist of Fate on Nitro, Mercury runs Matt out but on the way through the ropes, he tags Jeff who hits the Swanton Bomb and gets the win by pin in 15:27.

2017 comments:

Once again, a fantastic curtain jerker by MNM and the Hardys.

2007 comments:

Not enough blood this time around, boys. Also, Nitro looks like Batman.

Grade: A

Cut to Teddy Long and The Coach as they pick numbers for the Rumble. Edge comes in, meets Kelly Kelly who tries to rock her way through her six lines. Edge slags her off, asking if her parents named her twice so she wouldn’t forget. Randy Orton comes in, Edge’s Rated-RKO teammate, who says he will not hesitate to toss Edge over the top rope. They draw their numbers and Edge says he will show Randy his if Randy will show Edge his. Booker T comes in and asks if they actually said that. No laughs.

Tazz and Styles introduce the next match: Test versus Bobby.

Cut to promo for the match where Test looks like every inch the Roidy Magoo that he is. He struts about with his big roidy belly and kicks people in the face for a bit and says he’s better than Lashley and RVD and all the rest. He see Lashley his arse and win a match, winning a title, though Test steals the belt because apparently that’s how championships are won in ECW. Fuck the rules, wha?

Back in the Arena, Test comes out, looking awful. C’mon, man. At least try to hide your illegal drugs. Even Jeff did a better job than that.

Bobby’s music hits and here is a man who hides his anabolics. Big pyro hits with Bobby in the middle of it. Isn’t that cute? He thinks that he’s the Undertaker. He is not. And he does a vertical jump. Christ, he thinks that he’s the Brock Lesnar too. Very cute. Big dude with an afro in the front row on the hard cam, by the way. Looks great, big man. Fair play.

ECW World Championship match: Bobby Lashley (c) def Test via pin in 7:18.

Test and Bobby lock up and go for a wee walk around the ring. Test pins bobby into the corner, slaps at him and Bobby spears him in return. Test grabs the ropes and drops Bobby, laying into him and dealing elbows in the corner. Bobby hits Test with a great T-bone suplex and follows it up with a stalling suplex, throwing Test down so hard he needs to have a wee lie down outside the ring. Tazz tells us that, “It is well documented that Test always has something underneath his sleeve,” and that “something” is “throwing Bobby into the turnbuckle from the apron.” Pin attempt and fail.

Test and Bobby have a wee sit down and Test is super gassed. He tells Bobby to shut up. Lashley is fighting to his feet and gets Test in the shoulder but Roidy Magoo fights back and stunners Bobby’s arm in response. Tazz says, “rotator cuff,” like a dope. Test works the shoulder. More sitting. Armbar City over here. Lashley finally breaks out, charges Test, gets an elbow, gives the Canuch a huge back-body drop and charges him in the corner over and over. Lashley gives Test a gorilla press but drops him because of damage to his arm. Test hits the big boot, fails to get a pin and huffs. Test lifts Lashley up for the Fireman Slam but is tossed out. Test then takes the countout to big boos, walking away from Lashley. The bell rings.

2017 comments:

Awful.

2007 comments:

Poor Test. He’s not long for this world.

Grade: D

The crowd chant “ECW!” as Bobby pulls Test back in, beats him up and raises his hands in the air. Boo, the pair of yis.

We see a replay of what caused the countout – a clothesline. Depressing. Sign Guy is there, though, so that’s nice, I suppose. Bobby is pissing with sweat.

On the Card will return on February 4 2017 with the second part of Royal Rumble 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #13: New Year’s Revolution (Jan 7 2007) Part 1

Ruthless Aggression #13: New Year’s Revolution – January 7, 2007.

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on January 7, 2007, the third and final New Year’s Revolution aired. It was a RAW PPV, the first of its kind since Cyber Sunday in November 2006. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Armageddon 2006

The Revolution Continues…

Aww yiss. The poster shows Trrrrrriple H and Shawn Michaels in period garb, dressed like the Founding Fathers. They are holding a badly photoshopped DX-claration of Independence with their signatures at the bottom and DX sprayed over it in green. The tagline suggests that their feud against Vince isn’t over.

There are fucking CGI dragons at the start! And they’re breathing right into your face! WWE Raw presents New Year’s Revolution, as a real metal dragon bursts out pyro and JR reminds us that it is 2007, but has no time to introduce himself or Jerry “The King” Lawler before the Intercontinental championship begins…

But wait, a promo hits, showing Randy Orton and Edge kicking seven shades out of DX, busting them both open. Triple H welcomes Rated-RKO to “The Other Side”, which is a bunch of comics about cows.

We cut to Umaga, destroying everyone in his path, facing John Cena later for the WWE Championship.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Vladimir Kozlov and Eugene, Which Kozlov won. This is his second dark match in a row, one being on Armageddon 2006.)

Back in the arena, the Steel Cage has dropped and Lillian Garcia reveals the rules: the only way to win is by pinfall, submission or leaving the cage.

MNM’s music hits and out comes Johnny Nitro with Melina. The lads botch the red carpet at the start and the cameras attempt to introduce JR and Jerry, but keep knocking back to the ramp, where Nitro and Melina are walking down. Jerry mentions that Johnny Nitro’s name is up there with K-Fed. Really? He also mentions that there was a K-Fed vs. Cena match on New Year’s day, which would have been RAW Monday 1st January 2007, obviously.

Hardy’s music hits and down comes Jeff, the Intercontinental champion. What a lad. What a high, high lad. Hardy is right in the cage, jumping up to the top of the cage, sitting there and jumping down.

The match is about to begin, but we haven’t yet been introduced to our broadcast colleagues, or to the Spanish announcers. It takes place in the Kemper Memorial Arena in Kansas City, Missouri, with a total of 10,000 in attendance (the maximum attendance for the arena is actually 18,344, but that was lowered for this PPV, probably because they couldn’t sell all of the tickets) and 220,000 PPV buys at home, much less than the 294,000 from the previous year. Still, the money made from the event was more than last year with $107 million rather than the $95 million from 2006.

Steel Cage Match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship: Jeff Hardy (c) def Johnny Nitro via leaving a cage in 14:49.

The crowd bays for Hardy instantly and the two men circle each other. Hardy makes the crowd clap and Johnny starts taking control, working on Hardy’s lower back. Hardy fights back, stomping Nitro into one corner and Irish whipping him into the other. Hardy goes for a ten punch and reaches all ten before Nitro collapses. Hardy goes for the cover but Nitro escapes. Nitro then reverse-flapjacks Hardy. Melina screams as Hardy gives the facebuster suplex but Nitro replies with a springboard kick to the face. Lots of covers in this match, almost like they think that a steel cage match will end by either pinfall or submission.

Lovely lariat and mother men are on the ground. Hardy crawls toward the cage door but is dragged back by Nitro. Hardy goes to climb out and Nitro grabs him before dropkicking Hardy’s legs. Melina screams again, the loud bitch. Hardy is caught between the cage wall and the ring ropes and Nitro is really going to town on him. Nitro goes to escape, but Hardy catches him and the two men fall as Hardy dropkicks Nitro off. Hardy landed on his hip but reverses an Irish whip into a sprint up the cage wall. Nitro reverses this into a botched super backdrop where he lands on his feet before falling back. Looks a bit guff, being honest. Hardy flapjacks Nitro into the steel cage and tries to climb it.

Both men are on the top rope and Hardy Russian leg sweeps Nitro off. Hardy climbs onto the turnbuckle and Nitro climbs on Hardy to help himself up. From the top of the cage, Nitro sunset flips Hardy, turning it into a powerbomb where Jeff’s head bounces off the canvas. Johnny starts to climb and makes it to the top before Jeff is on his feet. Johnny’s legs get caught in the cage, sending him into a tree of woe, which legit looks like it really fucking hurts. I cringe just looking at it. Melina takes her belt off and whips at Jeff by the cage side. Nitro takes advantage and dropkicks Jeff. Both men down.

We have a wee lie down as one red hat jerk in the crowd jaws off to Melina. It’s real to him, dammit. Nitro goes for a lariat and Jeff turns it into a cross body before hitting the Swanton Bomb from the top rope. Jeff goes for the cover yet Nitro’s leg is on the rope. Didn’t think that rope-breaks counted in a cage match as it is no-DQ… but maybe that only works with the submissions? Jeff hits the back body drop and Nitro once again makes his way to the top of the cage. Nitro is on the edge and about to fall off when Hardy attempts a super Twist of Fate and botches it. Nitro does not know what to do and begins a climb to the top again. Jeff is crawling towards the door but Melina is blocking it. Nitro’s foot is on the door when Jeff kicks the door open, wishboning Nitro on the top of the door, allowing Hardy to leave and retain the championship in 14:49.

2016 comments:

Great curtain jerker again by these two fantastic lads, despite the fuckups.

2006 comments:

It’s rare to start a PPV with a steel cage match but I’m glad it did.

Grade: A-

Todd Grisham is backstage and speaking to Randy Orton and Edge, the World Tag Team Champions of Rated-RKO. Todd asks them why this feud with DX is so personal. Edge tells him that DX reformed to have fun and Rated-RKO formed to take them down. Randy agrees, telling Todd that Rated-RKO are fighting for their future, which is funny because Edge doesn’t have many years left in his future as he would retire four years later in 2011 after WrestleMania XXVII.

Back in the arena, Lilian introduces a special bonus match: Tag Team Turmoil! I hate TTT. It’s a shitty Royal Rumble for tags. The winner becomes number one contenders for the tag team belts.

First out is our boys, the Highlanders!

Then, the World’s Greatest Tag Team: Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin. Both have dragons on their backs, obviously loving the dragons here at New Year’s Revolution.

Tag Team Turmoil Match for the number one contender for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Cryme Tyme def Lance Cade and Trevor Murdock, The Highlanders, The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas) and Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy via elimination in 19:03.

Hoo-boy, this is going to be… a match.

Charlie Haas and Robbie start off. Charlie is thrown into the corner and both Highlanders double suplex him before having a lovely Irish whip dodge ending with a weak drop toe hold. JR takes the time to describe the difference between the Highlanders: Rory is older and bald, Robbie is younger and hairy. Shelton Benjamin jumps over Charlie’s back to land on Rory’s arse. Shelton is tagged in and delivers a knee to Rory. A lot of green glow sticks in the crowd making the DX symbol. Rory is in a chinlock but soon fights out of it. Shelton attempts a bodyslam but Rory falls on him and the two men struggle for a moment before Robbie gets the hot tag, clearing house. Robbie gives Charlie a lovely back suplex and is aout to be thrown into the right when Charlie rolls out. As Rory gets Robbie back, Shelton sneaks up, hits a lovely superplex on Robbie and gets the pin.

The Highlanders have been eliminated by The World’s Greatest Tag Team in 5:10.

A Challenger Appears: Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy.

Hacksaw is gassed already. He delivers mental punches to Shelton and shouts his damn “Hoooooo!” every five seconds. Hacksaw gets beat on by Charlie as the crowd bay for Super Crazy. Shelton chokes Duggan with the ring ropes and eventually he fights back, hits the tepid tag and Super Crazy is in, hitting dropkicks, snapmares and a standing moonsault, which is impressive considering his size. He goes to jump top rope but Shelton knocks him out with a punch and Charlie pins him.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Super Crazy have been eliminated by The World’s Greatest Tag Team in 3:57.

A Challenger Appears: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

And now we see the two teams that people came to see. Cade takes over, beating on Benjamin and easily lifting up Shelton and slamming him down. Murdoch looks like a Hillbilly. Maybe that’s his gimmick. Shelton is getting beat on and Murdoch gives him the big boot over Cade’s head. Then we have a lovely rest hold. As Murdoch moves to face the hard cam. Cade gives Shelton the neckbreaker and gets only two-counts, sadly. Cade gives Murdoch a lovely Atomic-Drop-into-Leg-Drop onto Shelton Benjamin. Shelton goes for the hot tag and Haas is in, cleaning house. Murdoch hits a lovely T-Bone suplex where he doesn’t even drop. Haas goes for a submission move and Cade jumps off the top rope with an axe-handle-nothing and Murdoch pins him for the elimination.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team have been eliminated by Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch in 4:39.

A Challenger Appears: Cryme Tyme.

Yo yo yo yo! It’s Cryme Tyme! Brooklyn Brooklyn!

Shad and JTC turn up and Shad clears house before tagging in JTG, who gets thrown onto Cade. Mudoch is tagged in and JTC his knocked out of the ring. Cade calls him back in, goes for the pin, fails, and argues with the ref. Cade gives JTG another few punches and throws him against the turnbuckle. Murdoch gives JTG a bunch of chokes and another toss into the turnbuckle. Cade covers for Murdoch, who is choked by the tag ropes. Cade gives JTG a lovely punch and he goes down like a sack of spuds. Murdoch is in, taking over and punching JTG until there’s a lovely roll-up and the ref’s back is turned. Typical refs. Never watching.

Murdoch is taking over and JTG has been on the receiving end of his punishment for a while. Murdoch goes from Bret’s rope and gets countered, leading to an almost-hot tag that never comes as Cade knocks Shad off the apron. JTG escapes a double suplex and Shad is tagged in, clearing house for ten seconds before being knocked down. Shad lifts Cade up for a Samoan Drop after escaping a double team and the pain double-neckbreaker Cade for the pin in 19:03.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch have been eliminated by Cryme Tyme in 6:51.

Cryme Tyme are the new Number One Contenders for the Tag Team Championship!

Cryme Tyme celebrate and JR takes away from the win by saying that they had an advantage because they were the last team in the match.

On the Card will return on January 14 2017 with the second part of New Year’s Revolution 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon (Dec 17 2006) Part 1

Ruthless Aggression #12: Armageddon – December 17, 2006.

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on December 17, 2006, the seventh Armageddon aired. It was a SmackDown! PPV, the first of its kind since No Mercy in October. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Armageddon 2006

The End… Is Only The Beginning

Oh yeah. That’s a tagline and a half. Seems like a movie tagline. Oh, it’s good. I like it. Ten out of ten. The cover has Batista dressed up like one of the Road Warriors or something. Very snazzy.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, there is – would you believe it – a biblical promo package which defines the word “Armageddon”. We see the MVP vs Kane Inferno Match which involves one opponent setting the other on fire. Then there’s a bible verse and a promo for the Last Ride match where Undertaker and Kennedy fight to throw the other into a hearse. Another definition and we see the team of Batista and Cena get ready to fight Booker T and Finlay. It’s a triple main event! Which, of course, means no mean event. Of course, one of these main events takes place… first. Huh.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Vladimir Kozlov and Scotty 2 Hotty. Yeah, of Too Cool fame.)

Big pyro and we are told that the end is here. Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL invite us to the Richmond Coliseum in Richmond, Virginia, for the final PPV of 2006. A measly 8,200 people in attendance with a total of $423,500 in ticket sales at the door. Total PPV buys of 239,000, which is down from the 320,000 in 2005. JBL talks about the Inferno match but who gives a fuck because there’s a green-haired kid standing behind my boys, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera, who actually chat for ages before Tony Chimel interrupts them.

MVP’s music hits and out comes the man himself, who has even more pyro behind him as he enters the arena. Around the ring, there is an odd contraption that the flames roll from. As he walks about the ring, the flames shake scarily. We see a promo for MVP as he jobs out boys left and right. He was desperate for competition and got our boy Kane. MVP kicked Kane in the balls and Teddy Long, upset with this, made the inferno match. Kane racks up losses to MVP Kane is livid. We have a flashback to the first Inferno match with masked Kane.

Back in the arena, the air is thick with smoke already. It is about to be roasting up in there. Big pyro from Kane and he comes down with the worst theme tune he had since the start of his career. He raises his hands and the flame contraption burns higher. What a lad. JBL calls him a bastard. Fuck off, JBL. The flames burn higher and the bell rings as MVP falls to his knees.

Inferno Match: Kane def. MVP via combustion in 22:33.

Well, let’s get into this piece of shit quickly. Kane hits the big boot, throws MVP into the corner and the crowd apparently cheer and ooh and aah as MVP climbs to the corner and regrets it. Each big bump makes the flames burn higher. MVP crawls about and is beaten down. Kane gets MVP into the corner and is about to hit the superplex when MVP fights back, flames jumping. MVP throws Kane down, but he just sits up. Michael Cole reminds us that the competitors cannot leave the ring. Kane calls for the chokeslam and the flames burst. Cole then calls them, “the exclamation point.” Yes, Cole. We got it.

Kane removes the turnbuckle covering and leans over the flames to set it alight. As Kane goes to hit MVP, he drops the cover. MVP lands on it briefly, but quickly takes and chucks it out to safety. Kane has MVP in the corner and beats him without mercy. He who is without mercy now pleads for it. Lovely Bossman Slam from Kane. Cunt JBL speaks for a while though no man cares.

Kane shouts at MVP in the corner and gets a punch for  his efforts. MVP goes to the top rope and is pushed off onto the floor. Kane then goes to the top rope and actually jumps! The two men fight and struggle to push the other into the flames. Why does Kane like fire so much? He was burned as a child! Crazy stuff. Kane has the hand on MVP’s throat and pushes MVP into the flames, burning his arse where he has fire-retardant pants on, giving Kane the win in 8:14.

2016 comments:

I was thinking it was going to be a shitshow, but it was actually good. The whole gimmick of an Inferno match requires that the wrestlers be a bit more careful with one another, and they were. The entire piece was a well-rehearsed piece of very dangerous theatre and because there was a clear and present danger there with the flames, the audience were rapt, knowing that at any point, one of the two of them could be hurt.

2006 comments:

Did you see your man’s arse get set on fire?

Grade: B

MVP runs up the aisle before men with fire extinguishers put him out. It’s actually pretty fucking awesome. We see replays. It’s fun. Cunt JBL gives off that no human being should be set on fire… he seems to forget about his time as a crucifier back in the day.

Cut to the ladies in Teddy’s room. We have Forgettable Girl 1-4 and Teddy Long. Teddy tells them that there’s going to be a Naughty or Nice lingerie contest. Who gives a fuck?

Back in the arena, Cunt JBL ruins the craic.

The tag team champs appear first, sliding out and getting little applause. Regal and Taylor soon follow. Dave Taylor looks to be at least one hundred years old. Teddy Long comes out and tells all the players that there will be a Lingerie contest. No cunt cares. He then informs everyone that the tag match will be a ladder match… and some ladders appear, as if to punctuate the sentence. He then reveals that two teams have been added to the match: MNM (with Melina), who are apparently back together; and The Hardys, who the crowd are already clamouring for. When the two daredevils come out, the crowd go bananas. The Hardys pose for a while before the bell rings

Ladder Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: Paul London and Brian Kendrick (c) def. William Regal and Dave Taylor, MNM (w/ Melina) and The Hardys via ascension in 20:13.

The matchup is underway and already there’s a schmoz. Everyone is chucked out except London, Kendrick and the Hardys. London (white pants) gets a jawbreaker and the Hardys hit a lovely swinging backdrop on Kendrick. Regal, Taylor and MNM come back in, desperate to slow the match down to a crawl. Regal and Taylor aren’t really known for their skill in a ladder match but if they’re rough enough, it shouldn’t matter.

This match is so hectic and hard to write about, I’m just going to hit the big spots. Lovely Poetry in Motion in the corner followed by a Snapshot. All four teams are in the ring now as well as three ladders. Jeff doesn’t know what to be doing with himself. Kendrick and London are thrown out, leaving only the Hardys. Matt Irish Whips Kendrick into the corner where Jeff waits with a ladder to throw it into his face. Nitro jumps into the ring and misses the ladder. Joey Mercury has the ladder, goes up it and is inches away from winning when Hardys and Kendrick/London lift the ladder up and toss him into Nitro on the outside.

Hardys set up a ladder in the corner and whip Kendrick, then London into it. Attempt at Poetry in Motion but London moves. Double suplex from London and Kendrick to Matt. Matt tosses London off the ladder and then does the same to Kendrick. On the outside, the other two teams fight but no one cares. Matt goes to suplex London but he fights back. Matt falls onto the ladder and Kendrick stops him from the turnbuckle. MNM hit the double gutbuster on London and the pace slows as the two men set up the ladders for a superplex spot onto a ladder. Jeff is top rope and Matt helps him fight off MNM. Jeff jumps onto the ladder and, like a see-saw, one end propels upwards, cracking Joey Mercury with a legit injury to the face.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Although we have seen many legit injuries on this blog – some serious and some superficial and many more self-inflicted – this one is legit dangerous and could have ended far worse for our boy Mercury. He received five stitches on the inside of his nost and fifteen on the outside of his nose and cheek. His eye swelled shut pretty much instantly and he received four fractures on the inside of his nose including his orbital bone.

Like a tap, blood streams from our man Mercury. He is crawling backstage as the match continues, the camera moving back and forth when necessary. In the ring, the action never stops. A replay shows the ladder hitting Joey, his body remaining static and his head moving unnaturally from the force of the shot. Christ of almighty. This is wrestling, I suppose.

Taylor tosses Kendrick onto a ladder and Regal German suplexes London onto it. The crowd cheer for the Hardys as Regal rises up the ladder. He stops, terrified of heights and Taylor takes his place. Great storytelling here. If Regal goes to the top rope and then steps down because of his vertigo, this would be perfect. Jeff brings another ladder in as Matt hits two Twist of Fates on Taylor and Regal. Just as Jeff is about to jump, Nitro baseball slides the ladder, knocking Jeff off. Nitro has the ladder and bulldogs it onto Regal. Cunt JBL says that he now likes MNM. He’s still a cunt, but now a gloryhunting cunt. A glorycunter.

Nitro goes to the top of the ladder and London dropkicks him. Matt goes up a ladder and tosses boys off left and right. We have London vs. Matt at the top of a ladder, inches from the belt. Matt gives him the back body drop and Jeff appears with a ladder, climbing but too far away from the belts. Jeff sunset flips him, hitting a powerbomb and essentially legdropping the canvases. Matt sets up two ladders and Regal and Taylor move them apart, wishboning him. The two powerhouses set up the ladder to great boos. Regal goes a bit higher, overcoming his fear of heights, and Kenrick is up, punching at Regal until Taylor drags him off. Kendrick attempts the Shiranui and does not land it. Potential botch two of the night.

London is dragging himself towards the middle of the ring. Matt Hardy is back in, and London just… gets the belts in 20:13.

2016 comments:

Great match except for the beginning and the end. The teams were great at parts, but, the parts did not mesh together as well as they should have.

2006 comments:

If Mick were in the match, it would have been best match.

Grade: A

The winners celebrate, the losers go to the hospital and we see Joey Mercury’s face erupt.

On the Card will return on December 24 2016 with the second part of Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on December 3, 2006, the second and final December to Dismember aired. It was an ECW PPV, utilising the new (and soon to be defunct) ECW brands, the first of its kind since One Night Stand back in June. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

December to Dismember 2006

You better watch out…

Oh, here we go, back to taglines. Nice. This cover shows Sandman’s arm peeking out of a chimney, holding his Singapore sticks with blood on the snow to spell ECW. is like one of those Christmas-themed horror movies like Jack Frost or Silent Night, Deadly Night… in fact, the cover seems to parody that film! The cheek of these cover designers.

There is no ye olde wrasslin’ video. Instead, we are shown the elimination chamber along with the edict, “Six men will enter… knowing they will suffer the unimaginable…” and the Elimination Chamber is shown as some kind of super-hell-in-a-cell. And no other match is advertised. We just have the main event and I should mention that the wrestlers in the main event are Bobby Lashely (yay), ECW Champ The Big Show (eeey), CM Punk (now, yay, but back then, eh?) Sabu (well, someone’s going to die), RVD (Okay!) and Test (oh Christ)? I mean, come on.

Big Christmas coloured pyro in the ECW presented December to Dismember 2006. The place is the James Brown (get down!) Arena in Augusta, Georgia and with a tiny 4,800 fans in the place with only 90,000 PPV buys (the lowest buyrate in Fed history), this is due to be a great, great, great clusterfuck. Bear in mind that only two matches were advertised before the PPV – the Elimination Chamber main event and the Hardy Boys vs. MNM. So stoked, though, right?

Our commentary team is the annoying Joey Styles and Tazz with two Z’s. One of the best things about this PPV is that the theme tune is fucking Bodies by Drowning Pool. Tazz tells us that the Elimination Chamber is ten tons of steel. Good Lord. Who cares about them, though, when we have the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera, once again forgets the announcer’s names and Savinovich does an awesome tongue roll because the man is a hero.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Stevie Richards and René Duprée. It is unknown how long it lasted.)

MNM’s music hits and… wait, didn’t you guys split up? They are wearing fluffy jackets with LED signs on the side that scroll through some words that no one sees. Melina is really hamming it up this evening, kissing and dancing and looking just like the ecstasy dropped before she walked into the arena. Good woman yourself.

Hardy’s music hits and the pair get a bit of a pop for their entrance as… Team Extreme? What? Since when? And the title says “The Hardys”. Make up your mind, boys. Joey says that both teams plan on splitting up again after this evening. So it’s like a Bizarro team-up. Right. That makes sense.

The Hardys (Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy) def. MNM (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro (w/ Melina)) via pin in 22:33.

Let’s get right into it. Tazz is being a pervert, as usual. He’s the Jerry Lawler of ECW. Lots of hugs between Joey and fat Matt in some sort of test of strength. Tazz considers that Mercury and Nitro may be related. What an odd thing to say. Weird announcers. A bit of scrapping and everyone runs into the ring to square off. The ref tells them off and the crowd chant for the Hardys. Matt and Joey tie up again and Mercury is thrown into the corner with Jeff tagging in. Lovely arm drag and knee drop before fat Matt comes in and Joey escapes to tag in Nitro. Big boos from the crowd and Jeff comes in, botching a jump over the rope like the dumb guy he is. Double clothesline from the Hardys and senton drop. Mercury comes in and they do an odd double team where they lift him from his back to… backdrop him. Nitro takes over and Mercury is tagged in as Melina screams because fuck Melina.

Jeff is trapped in the corner and Nitro hits a lovely elbow drop and standing shooting star press that misses as fat Matt comes in, hitting Nitro with a super sit-out-powerbomb. Mercury runs in and in the confusion, Melina pulls on Matt’s leg. Matt goes after her but gets a clothesline for his effort. MNM hit a doubleteam gutbuster on Matt. The ref is distracted and Melina hits the head-scissors on Matt to which Tazz says, “Hellooooo!” Melina screams again as MNM hit a double facebuster on Matt. We’re really gearing up for the hot tag here. MNM hit a double stalling suplex but Matt lands it and double-neckbreakers the bastards. As he goes for the hot tag, MNM fight back. MNM hit a Poetry in Motion as Melina screams once again. Mercury goes for the Twist of Fate but is countered. Hot tag and Jeff comes in.

Jeff predictably cleans house, hitting all the bases before Nitro pounces in to break the count but gets a lovely sit-out suplex. Suicide dives to the outside from Matt, Nitro and then Jeff. The crowd chant “ECW! ECW!” even though none of these men are ECW boys. Matt hits Poetry in Motion but MNM roll out of the way before Jeff can hit the Swanton. Melina screams. Nitro hits the springboard dropkick and fails to get the pin. Jeff is being beaten on in the corner and MNM hit the double catapult into the turnbuckle. It is followed by a long stretch from Nitro. Tazz says, “Simple but good.” Because he’s an idiot. Nitro hits some strange spinneroony leg drop and some punches are traded mid-ring. Matt comes in and as the ref is distracted, Melina and Nitro beat on Jeff. Mercury is tagged in and a pin gets nothing. A second and a third get nothing either. Mercury hits the backbreaker and Nitro does the springboard elbow. A lovely sunset flip by Jeff and Nitro Aloha-Arns for a bit before tagging in Mercury. The match has slowed down to a crawl.

Mercury has Jeff in a crossface and Jeff fights back. A rollup is so strong that when Jeff hits out, Mercury is thrown from the ring. He turns to Jeff and drags him off the apron and Nitro is back in the match with Jeff. Another double-team catapult but Jeff stops it, top-rope moonsaults and gets the hot tag to Matt. Matt cleans house as much as he can, hitting a bulldog and catching Nitro on the way down. Two Side-Effects followed by a pin attempt. Bret’s rope leg drop gets nothing so Jeff is tagged in and Nitro is picked up for a powerbomb. Mercury pushes his tag team partner up which forces the hurricanrana! Jeff is down and a pin attempt fails to keep him out. Nitro goes to the top rope but Jeff is up and all four men are in with MNM on the turnbuckles. The Hardy’s hit stereo superplexes. Tazz sings the theme song. Melina is distracting the ref and as Jeff goes to chastise her, Nitro hits the dropkick, missing Jeff and hitting Melina. MNM hit the Snapshot but Matt breaks it up. He is removed from the ring and MNM turn to Jeff, attempting a superSnapshot but Matt jumps in with the double neckbreaker and a Swanton on top of both members on MNM. Jeff hits the pin and the Hardys win in 22:33.

2016 comments:

Bit of a spotfest, but a lovely spotfest nonetheless.

2006 comments:

I never thought I’d say this, but I miss MNM.

Grade: A

The Hardys leave and we see replays of the best spots of the match. Melina looks legit hurt but the camera doesn’t hang around enough to show any blood.

Back to the announcers and both men drag themselves through the script, screwing it up wherever they can.

Cut to prerecorded footage of RVD understanding that the Elimination Chamber is a tough match. It isn’t as tough as any other match, they’re just being fools.

Matt Striker’s music hits and down he comes to the ring, shaking his head at the swearing of the crowd. Striker has the mic, which is where he should be. He makes fun of Balls Mahoney, the awful “wrestler” who is a parody of what ECW used to be. Matt tells us that he has a responsibility to all of us to restore order. He asks the official to enforce the following rules: no gouging of the eyes, no pulling of the hair, no manoeuvres off the top rope and, most importantly, no foul language. Fair play, Matt. This is a Striker’s rules match.

Balls comes down. He has class music. He’s a shit wrestler, but he’s a great showman. Matt has a picture of his own face on his arse. Pantastic.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls, whose real name was Jon Rechner, sadly died on April 12, 2016 at the age of 44 of a heart attack, yet another performer in wrestling who left us too soon. Despite my personal feelings for Balls as a wrestler and performer, it is a tragedy for anyone to lose a life. He passed away enjoying himself – watching Jeopardy and answering questions on the couch – and is survived by his wife Gayle and his son Christopher.

Striker’s Rules match: Malls Mahoney def. Matt Striker via pin in 07:12.

Bell goes and Balls is discussing things with Balls. There is a test of strength where Balls wins. The announcers tell us that Balls has an accomplished amateur wrestling career. Balls botches a jump over Striker and attempts the armbar but Stiker breaks it on the bottom rope. Striker is having pants trouble at the moment. Another test of strength is called but Striker beats on him, bouncing his head off the turnbuckle, reversing an Irish Whip and hitting an armbar on Balls, which he botches. Striker is doing things differently and it works. Striker actually pulls on Ball’s hair, though.

Striker hits more arm-based moves and Tazz calls Striker effeminate. Nice, Tazz. Keep it classy. Bit of an armbar city over here with Striker having a good long hold of some Balls. The announcers keep telling us how smart Matt is and how he is working on Balls’ arm. A run to the corner is stopped with a boot to the face but Matt gets another armbar on. The crowd chant his name each time Mahoney has offence, but it is never for too long. Mahoney goes to the top rope, but that is clearly against the rules so the ropes are shaken and Balls falls. Great rolling armbar and Balls is held there until he can break hold by grabbing the ropes. Great back drop and a bunch of knockdown strikes followed by a back body drop and Mortal Kombat Strikes, each with a “Balls!” from the crowd. Balls hits the spinebuster and pins Matt in 7:12.

2016 comments:

Not amazing, but a good comedy match with a weak ending.

2006 comments:

I can never get enough of Matt Striker being hurt

Grade: B

Backstage, we see CM Punk punching the air. Sabu, however, has been hurt in an unseen attack. It appears that he will not be taking part tonight. In comes our favourite Jew, Paul E. Dangerously, who rambles for a while and looks on helplessly. The Elimination Chamber is down to five. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!” knowing that it is, indeed, bullshit.

Old Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay come out to the ring with their towels and angry faces. Both of them have “Terkay” on the back of their tracksuit tops. I love the gimmick of legit sportspersons and having cornermen. It makes it seem more like the wrestlers are taking themselves seriously.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Elijah Burke used to be an officer in Jacksonville but would segue into wrestling through boxing. He had an impressive 98-1/103-1 win/loss record (depends on whether you ask Club 5, Club Plush or WWE themselves) and could not pull his punches in the ring so never threw worked punches. Sylvester Terkay is just as impressive, being a 5-time NCAA Boxing Champion, a 4-time NCAA National Heavyweight Champion and has the honour of being named number one Gaijin during his time in Japan.

Double Trouble Straight-up Shoot Fact: Balls Mahoney was the evil Xanta Klaus in In Your House 5: Seasons Beatings… and Sylvester Terkay was Santa Imposter during an episode of In the House. Facts!

Elijah has the mic and gets heat from the crowd for smiling and talking about himself. He says that, “like a wild animal in heat, we will leave our mark!” which is a nice way of saying that they’re going to pee everywhere.

Out come the FBI (Full Blooded Italians), Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke with Trinity, who is a woman.

Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay def. The FBI (Little Guido Maritato and Tony Mamaluke) (w/ Trinity) via pin in 6:41.

The bell goes and Elijah is in the ring with his hat still on. Little Guido gets a quick full-nelson slam followed by Elijah spinning on him and slapping his face. Guido is not happy. Elijah is still wearing his hat. Guido gives Elijah the drop-toe hold, steals his hat, hits the armbar and tags in Tony Mamaluke. Tony drags Elijah about, tags in Guido and they hit the double elbow-drop. Tony is back in but gets knocked back before Sylvester gets in, beating on Tony in the corner, who slaps him back. A powerful Irish Whip is reversed and as the FBI attempt to double team Sylvester, he takes over, catching Guido mid-air, doing the big boot on Sylvester and chucking Guido out. The crowd reply with, “You still suck!”

Elijah comes in and there’s some headlock city going on there in the middle of the ring. Guido fights back, is thrown into the corner with Terkay and the Man-Bear is tagged in to delivery an amazing kick to Guido. MMA training, brah. Terkay Irish whips Guido into the corner and then does the same to Elijah. More headlock city from Elijah and Guido. Guido escapes, tags in Tony, who starts gaining momentum, but is stopped when Terkay comes in. The FBI double team Terkay and double flapjack Elijah. A close pin attempt. Elijah throws Tony into Terkay’s fist and hits the Elijah Experience for the pin in 6:41.

2016 comments:

Good half a match that finished too early.

2006 comments:

Terkay is the weak link in this match but was used well. Not a bad match.

Grade: B

Terkay hits the Muscle Buster on Tony and get some good old fashioned heat back. I tell you, December to Dismember is known as one of the worst PPVs of all time, but at the moment, it’s… okay. I know that I’m just cursing myself now, but for real, it’s been enjoyable. Only three matches left though and they might well be the drizzling shits.

On the Card will return on December 10 2016 with the second and final part of ECW December to Dismember 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.