Previously on On the Card: Fucking pudding, man.
The cage begins to slowly lower. Ominous music plays. Maggle introduces the match and Cunt JBL is a cunt for a while.
Straight-up Shoot Fact: At the time of writing, #FireJBL is trending on Twitter. Close followers of this blog will know that I am not a Cunt JBL fan and news that Mauro Ranallo (a far superior announcer to anyone else on the current WWE announcing team outside of Austin Aries and Corey Graves) is leaving due to a bout of depression brought on by bullying from Cunt JBL (Ranallo is bipolar as well) is heartening and tragic. Heartening because fans are finally moving away from the strange, sophomoric and archaic culture that wrestling has had over the past century – mean ribs, hazing, backstage bullying etc. – and tragic that WWE will obviously want to save face over this and likely keep Cunt JBL and hope that the story dies down. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is that WWE has its “Be A Star” anti-bullying initiative and this may force their hand. Unfortunately, this may only involve Cunt JBL leaving the announcing team (which is fantastic in and of itself) and he may continue to work in a backstage capacity, which is keeping him close and on the payroll but removing him from the spotlight. WWE might want to do this because Cunt JBL is a cunt and will likely go straight to the rrrrragsheets, brother, and sell stories from backstage to the highest bidder. Stories have been uncovered (or should I say REuncovered as many of them were known well before now especially by fans of the politics of wrestling) of Cunt JBL’s backstage bullying – homophobia regarding Chris Kanyon, soaping Edge’s arse in the shower, wrestler’s court etc. – and now a bigger audience is privy to the backstage culture that all wrestling, not just the WWE, needs to get away from. Phew.
So the fuckin’ cage is still coming down, I guess. Edge is a heel and Batista is face. They had a bad match last time, hopefully this will be better.
Cut to a promo where we see Edge beating Kennedy and cashing in the Money in the Bank to defeat Undertaker and take his championship. Teddy Long tells him that he will defend the belt against the winner of a #1 Contender Match. The winner is our boy Batista and his grumpy face. Edge slags Batista for losing at Judgement Day.
Back in the arena, we are told the rules of the steel cage match. We all know it.
Edge’s music – fuck sake, Fed – plays and the champion comes out first with farty pyro and a lovely shot of a Gilette car. Gots to get those sponsors in, huh? He stands in the ring.
Batista’s music hits and out comes Grumps McGraw himself, doesn’t go to either side like he usually does, instead he walks down, does his gatling gun pyro, looks at the steel cage for a wee while, and walks in. Cunt JBL and Maggle consider that Batista’s leg might not be as injured as it was on Judgment Day. Both men square off and the bell rings.
Steel Cage match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.
Edge just sprints right for the door as soon as the bell rings. Batista has him, drags him away and tosses him into the corner. Edge takes the time to climb up but is pulled off the wall by Batista. Edge takes an Irish Whip into the corner followed by an elbow. A second Irish Whip and Edge uses the momentum to scale the cage and gets on top of the turnbuckle as Edge falls back and rolls onto the apron. Camel Clutch in the middle of the ring, break back, make humble. The crowd bay for Batista. He actually covers Edge mid-ring. You can win a cage match by pinfall or submission but I have rarely seen it outside of a two-out-of-three-falls match or an elimination match. Edge climbs again and Batista removes him from the side of the cage like a spider being swept down a plughole. Lovely suplex from Batista. Another pin. Fail.
Batista finally attempts to climb the cage and it is Edge who takes him down with a dropkick to the knee. Batista falls, stalls on selling, oversells and gets a spear to the gut. Edge hits a lovely baseball slide. Pin attempt and Edge does not win.
Edge crawls to the door, attempts to escape but Batista drags him back in, literally. Edge fights back, goes to the turnbuckle, removes the ring rope padding and attempts to drive Batista’s skull into the steel. Batista lifts Edge, who escapes and hits the Edge-O-Matic. Edge crawls to the corner, gets to the tippy-top and Batista grabs him, gives him some lovely punches and a great superplex into the middle of the ring. Pin attempt and Edge kicks out. Batista starts to climb up not and the crowd go bananas as he gets to the edge and Edge himself is up, fighting back. Batista tosses Edge off, goes – stupidly – for the top-rope-nothing and Edge hits a missile dropkick. The crowd chants, “Bah-tee-stah!”
Both men run at each other, going for the spear/shoulder block. Cunt JBL considers the difference between being hurt and injured. Batista is up, ramming Edge into the cage wall and follows it up with a clothesline. Kick to the face from Edge and Batista hits the spinning Bossman Slam. Fair play. Pin attempt and fail. Edge attempts a dropkick but Batista swats it away. Catapult into the cage followed by a roll-up and Edge is still in it. Batista tosses Edge back into the cage wall and Edge is bust open. Batista is finally thrown into the exposed turnbuckle and a Spear to a very, very close pin attempt. Maggle asks, “Can you believe the punishment these two men have endeared?”
Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge jumps off, exposing his black thong as he does so. Edge falls onto the cage wall, crawls halfway over and Batista is up, dragging him back in, over the lip. Edge hits two low blows and Batista falls onto the ropes, wishboning himself. Edge climbs over but Batista is crawling for the door. Batista’s hands are on the floor when Edge plummets to the ground.
Edge has escaped from the cage, retaining his World Heavyweight Championship in 15:39.
Actually a really good match. I didn’t expect it to be. The beginning was okay and the end was quite nice but the middle bit was the best wrestling I’ve seen in a while.
Edge wears a thong, I guess.
Edge escapes, “cowardly as ever,” says Maggle Cole.
Batista has a wee huff.
Cut to outside the arena where JR asks, “can we endure this extremeness one night a year?” Yes. Yes we can.
Promo for the drizzling shits that is our main event – Cena and Khali. Reminder of their awful match at Judgment Day, a match that Cena tried his hardest at but Khali shit the bed as usual. Khali tapped out and – lo and behold – he says about his leg being under the rope, something that I mentioned last month. The cheeky rascal. Cena wants a rematch, though, for some reason, and it’s a falls-count-anywhere match. Khali and Cena stood off at Saturday Night’s Main Event where Khali beat Cena. So they have traded wins.
Justin Roberts tells us that this match can only be won by pinfall, but the pinfall can be anywhere in the building. So that means they can’t pin each other in the parking lot, I guess. Khali comes down and his music is shit and no one cares. The announcers attempt to put his height over. They put over the fact that he has never been pinned and that is the only way to win this.
Then John Cena comes out and the building loses its shit. He’s a great lad, isn’t he? Justin Roberts rocks his, “Jeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaahn Ceeeeee-naaaaaaaaaah,” line as the doctor of thuganomics stares at the challenger and does not take his eyes off him even as he throws his hands up for the end of the first verse.
Falls Count Anywhere match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.
Good thing the champ came out second here. Cena circles Khali and gets a boot in on him. He purposely keeps himself lower so that Khali looks far taller. Khali catches Cena’s leg and knocks him down, follows him around the ring, raining attacks down on him. Kids chant for Cena. The volume is raised. JR says that Khali has a “setlist of moves,” which is akin to saying that Cunt JBL has “a range of emotions.” Khali puts all his weight on Cena’s head. Big boot and down goes our man Face Cena. Khali boots on Cena’s head for a while. What a main event. Super Cena jumps up for the next spot as Khali boots him in the head. Again.
Khali lifts Cena up for the bodyslam and holds him there for a decent amount of time. Khali attempts the leg drop and Cena rolls away. Despite this being a falls-count-anywhere match, they have stayed mid-ring. Cena hits the sunset-flip-stunner and goes top rope for some reason. Khali punches Cena and then shoves him off the turnbuckle, something which Cena did not seem to realise was going to happen. Khali puts one boot on Cena’s chest for the pin. Cena kicks out and Khali throws him on an announcer’s desk. Khali calls for the chop but Cena blocks it, catches it and is tossed over the guardrail into the crowd. Oh, so here is the “anywhere” part of the “falls count anywhere” stipulation. Khali tosses Cena into the sound desk and Cena cracks him with a monitor. He builds up steam and attempts the FU but fails.
We know that the FU is coming, we just don’t know when… or where!
The pair fight towards the titantron with a lovely red wash on them both. Cena is crawling away from Khali slowly. Khali is jawing off to the crowd. Cena hits Khali with the camera arm and goes for the cover but Cena kicks out. Cena, once again, goes for the FU but cannot get it. There is a truck backstage and Khali tosses Cena on it easily. It’s a crane truck thing. Khali climbs up and shouts at the crowd. The crane camera is all twisted. Cena escapes a chokeslam, lifts Khali and tosses him off the crane for the FU and the pin.
John Cena has pinned The Great Khali to retain his WWE Championship in 10:30.
Needed to be more choreographed. Khali is not good enough to do anything less than total choreography.
I hope this is the last Khali match.
Not as bad as I feared, but still pretty bad. Cena rocks back to the ring to hot dog and grand stand.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but Batista and Edge had a great match, much better than I had expected it to be.
Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Maria for the pudding match? No.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Batista and Edge.
Best Spot: Rolling Thunder to snap powerslam from Randy and RVD.
Hatches: Santino Marella!
Matches: The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Bobby Lashley finally legitimately regains his ECW World Championship for the 2nd time; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.
Dispatches: Last time we said goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit but it appears that his final PPV appearance was actually as a lumberjack, though that doesn’t count as he did fuck all. For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to Charlie Haas, Chris Masters, Elijah Burke, Kane, Marcus Cor Von, Mark Henry, Matt Striker, Rob Van Dam, Shane McMahon, Shelton Benjamin, The Great Khali, The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Vince McMahon and the other Lumberjacks: Val Venis, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Dude Thorn and Kenny Dykstra.
Closing Statements: I thought it was going to be the worst thing because they were still appropriating the ECW name but making it WWE, but it wasn’t that bad. It really wasn’t.
On the Card will return on June 24 2017 with the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression blog, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007.