Attitude Era #3. SummerSlam (August 18, 1996) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Owen Hart. That is all.

Cut to the boiler room where Todd Pettengill is walking through, calling Mankind’s home “creepy” and explaining that the matchup has no rules other than that the first person who gains possession of the urn will be victorious. No chat as to where the urn is or why Mankind wants it. I know why Taker wants it – a fine urn is hard to come by and urns and coffins are the man’s bread and butter. Todd goes on to say that the boiler room is “dark… ominous… there are things in here… there are pipes…” He stumbles onto Mankind who calls him “Tom” and says that there is no place like home. He then licks the pipe because Mankind is fucking mental.

Music hits and who should come out but those damn New Rockers (Leif Cassidy AKA Al Snow and Marty Janetty). No team with “New” at the top of their name are ever good, other than the New Age Outlaws, but only because there are no Old Age Outlaws, except maybe for now. The Bodydonnas (written again as The Body Donnas) come to the ring. Boring. The Godwinns rock down (shot of Vlad the Superfan before the Godwinns appear) and Hillbilly Jim has a dawg with him. Both Godwinns have pigs. Great bunch of lads. The pigs are having a nice wee squeal to themselves. Those Damn Gunns come down with Sunny. Sunny is looking wonderful, as per usual. JR says she has confidence, and why wouldn’t she? This was a time when Sunny was queen of the castle and riding all within. Sunny refuses to give the belts to the ref. Someone in the crowd wants to marry her and good old Bodacious Bart Gunn lifts her to the ground.

WWF Tag Team Championship match: The Smoking Gunns (c) w/ Sunny def. The Bodydonnas, The New Rockers and The Godwinns w/ Hillbilly Jim via pinfall in 12:18

This match has eight people in it (ten if you count Jim and Sunny; thirteen if you count the animals) and it is still shorter than the previous match. It is also the only tag team match on the card and is for the WWF Tag Team Championship aaaaand it’s an elimination match. That’s a lot of things.

Billy Gunn and Henry Godwinn start off. The Godwinns shout, “hooo-eee!” into the air and double G start off with a bit of back and forth, great Irish whip into a hip toss. Henry goes some mental move and out he rolls. SkipZip tags in and Henry tags out. As an elimination match, each time a tag team member is eliminated, the whole team is eliminated. It makes much more sense to stay out of the ring as much as possible. The Gunns are talking as the pair in the match run the ropes. Both stop and tag in both Gunns! The Gunns are now the legal men… against each other! In any other tag match, this means one could pin the other and the Gunns would win, but as this is an elimination match, they’re fucked!

The Gunns can’t believe their eyes. Sunny shows her bum to the camera. The Godwinns jump off the apron and won’t allow themselves to be tagged. SkipZip allows himself to be tagged in and Billy is tossed around like a mad one. Leif Cassidy cracks SkipZip on the back of the head and Billy gets the pinfall to eliminate the Bodydonnas. Sunny shouts at Mr. Perfect, who just looks on as if to say, “Will you fucking not?” Perfect mentions that it’s a good strategy to allow the other teams to beat themselves up. Marty Janetty (Tag Team Champ with Shawn Michaels many moons ago) beats the head off Henry Godwinn and tags in Bad Ass Billy Gunn, who has an Owen Hart wrist. Henry hits Billy with a sidewalk slam and goes for the pin, but it’s interrupted as if everyone wants the Gunns to stay in to get a beating from the other teams. Henry hits an inverted DDT (Slop Drop) on Marty Janetty and eliminates the New Rockers with a pinfall.

It’s Gunn vs. Godwinn. Oil baron vs. cattle rustler. Sunny making perfect time on the ring apron like a metronome. Vince says, “It doesn’t matter how you win, as long as you win. It could be disqualification, countout, as long as you win,” which is bollocks because those are two ways a title can’t change hands. Elimination matches are silly. Time wasting city as Henry is beat on by those damn Gunns. Bodacious Bart beats Henry in the corner for a bit. Henry fights back with an atomic drop. The pace really slows down to accommodate these teams. Billy goes for a cross-body and Henry catches him mid-air. Phineas is dying for the hot tag. The man is covered in pig pee.

Hot tag and the teams kick the tripe out of each other. Old Phineas hits the inverted DDT (known as the Slop Drop) on Billy and goes for the pin but Sunny is distracting the ref. Bart capitalises by hitting the double axe handle nothing on Phineas, rolls Billy over for the pinfall in 12:18.

2016 comments:

This was obviously a filler match. It had one or two nice spots, but no storylines were developed and no new teams went over. We just hate them all a little more.

1996 comments:

All of these damn team members are interchangeable – other than that guy who looks like Nick Carter.

Grade: C

Hillbilly Jim is in the ring, checking on the Godwinn boys. JR tells us that the Gunns had no advantage walking into this match, but survived “by hook or crook.” Sunny gets the mic and you know shit is going down when that happens. She has little intonation; the woman just screams as loud as she can. She tells people to look at the woman next to them and calls them fat. The camera aims at a woman in the crowd. Pretty pointed. Sunny gives the place a present and a huge, must be damn near 30-foot-high picture of Sunny unrolls and hangs just off the ring. JR calls her, “a very conceited young lady,” and is disappointed by the whole thing. He also tells us that she, “missed a much-needed trip to the woodshed,” which sounds like just the type of thing the Godwinns are up to this weather.

Vince thanks the crowd and there is a promo package showing Cleveland. The narrator asks what is the “coolest way to get to Summerslam” and the Godwinns answer by saying it is… Rapid Transit, of course! Cleveland’s own transit system! The Gunns are using a horse that Sunny quips is, “almost as good looking as me!” Probably not as hung as you, Sunny, the balls on you. The horse and the transit system have a race. I swear to you, this is a promo for a fucking train. The two teams cut a promo about air conditioning. This is… what is this?

Cut to Jerry “the King” Lawler has a back and forth with some baseball players. The most exciting sport in the world vs. the most boring. Savio Vega, Sunny, Godwinns and future hand-father, Mark Henry is there to… help paint a wall. I swear to you, this is a promo about trains, baseball and paint. Bob Holly appears and gives a kid the stink-eye. Watch out, boy, Hardcore Holly ain’t nothing to fuck with. Taker and Bearer give away an entire funeral, apparently.

Back to the arena, thank Christ, and I never thought I was as happy to see The British Bulldog come to the ring like a burst sausage. Cut to Dok Hendrix with old Brock Samson himself. The Bulldog’s music is still playing loud in the background as Sycho Sid tries to cut his mental promo about being the ruler and master of the world. Sid looks two seconds away from either a heart attack or stroke. His music hits mid-promo and Sid has to shoot off to get in the match with Bulldog. Say what you want about Stabby Sid, he looks the part. Cocaine is one hell of a drug. Bulldog flexes in the ring while Sid is just talking nonsense to the crowd, blinking continuously, pointing at the lights and spouting shite. Some idiot wants Sid for Pres, which is mental because his foreign policy is bollocks and he has no political experience. Despite this, Sid is over as fuck.

Sycho Sid def. The British Bulldog via pinfall in 6:24.

Vince reminds us that you use what you have as an asset. Sid is getting the crowd all hyped up and the pair lock horns. Irish whip shows that the Bulldog, despite his sausage appearance, is not strong enough to knock over Sid and he is so upset by this that he goes to leave the damn arena. Sid gets the crowd whipped up into a “PSYCHO SID!” chant and some fat fuck wearing a “Bishoff Sucks” t-shirt sits only feet away from Goldust Kid, who is still the best audience member so far. Sid gets Bulldog into a headlock and Bulldog actually lift Sid up, who retaliates with a shite judo throw. Pin attempt into kip-up by Sid.

Bulldog does a fucking great delayed suplex on Sid. Immigration is very happy about that. Immigrants, it seems, are like Pokémon and the more Bulldog beats on Sid, the easier he will be to catch. More chinlocks followed by Sid battering the ring, which should be a count out, but doesn’t count… out. Sid is knocked to the back and we show Vader and Cornette watching the match. This shit is awful. What’s the point? I’m not watching either of them. I was, however, watching Bulldog’s trunks get eaten by his bum. Another delayed suplex and another chinlock. Sid fights back, slaps the shit out of Bulldog and some guy in the audience bows to him. All he did was slap a motherfucker.

Great powerslam from Bulldog and Cornette comes out to berate Immigration. Bulldog goes for another powerslam but Sid retaliates with a chokeslam followed by the most over powerbomb so far and Sid pins Bulldog for the win in 6:24.

2016 comments:

Oh man. Sid is so over. I mean, I know he’s a good wrestler as well, so there’s no reason why I should be annoyed about him, but can you not be more like Shawn and be over and still a fantastic wrestler? Give the crowd a show. This was a squash. A great squash, but still a squash.

1996 comments:

Take that, Bulldog, you (otherwise fantastic wrestler with whom I have a personal grudge due to misplaced aggression at your nationality (which I suppose technically makes me a racist)) cunt.

Grade: B

Both Immigration and Cornette shout on the outside and try to hug Bulldog better. Sid is fantastic, even though he’s not looking at the hard cam. Replay of the powerbomb (which actually looks a bit dangerous as Bulldog drops about a foot onto his goddamned neck).

On the Card will return on September 1st with the third part of SummerSlam 1996.

Attitude Era #2. In Your House 9: International Incident (July 21, 1996) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Not even Mankind could save this PPV.

Cut to the crowd and they’re all standing as Howard Finkel announces the King of the Ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin. He strolls out with his fingers in the-

Wait what the fuck?

He’s holding his index fingers in the air. The man has not yet learned to extend his middles. The poor bastard.

Anyways, JR says that Austin has a “bad attitude”. He has attitude all right… WWF attitude. Amirite?

Austin starts jawing off to the ref and the crowd give the thumbs down. Sable’s music hits and Wildman Marc Mero comes down. Sable is wearing a revealing outfit, covering about as many inches of skin as her IQ, or at least skill in keeping a damned beat on the fucking ring mat. Marc Mero’s tan is on so thick, Sable sticks to him momentarily. It’s not pleasant. Stone Cold is the heel here and Jerry is right behind him, which is weird because he’d spend most of the Attitude Era talking about how much of a cunt the man was.

The ring bell goes and it is time for…

Stone Cold Steve Austin def. Wildman Marc Mero w/ Sable via pinfall in 10:48.

JR describes Wildman and Stone Cold as, “two great representatives of an… outstanding athletes representing the new generation of the WWF. These guys are young, they are hungry and their best years are way ahead of them.” It is true for at least one of them. The lads run the ropes and the pair go down. Some springing about, armbars and the like. Shot of Sable looking very happy and clapping. Obviously Sable is a terrible valet because she’s not even parking the car. Useless.

Wrist lock city. King calls Stone Cold “harelipped” and says that Austin’s lip was burst from nose to mouth, which seems like a lie. Some matwork followed by a great bridge from both men. The pair struggle for a backslide before Stone Cold gets some punches from old Golden Gloves. Stone Cold rolls out and calls for time out before walking after Sable. She moves as slow as a horror movie heroine escaping an axe-wielding villain. Mero goes for the roll up and Austin holds his mouth – it was the same move that reportedly sent him to the emergency room. Mero looks concerned and Stone Cold pokes his eye. Vince roars, “There’s nothing wrong with his mouth!”

Idiot.

Mero is on the outside and Austin is dragging the Wildman to the corner to hit a weak catapult to the ringpost. JR wonders aloud, “Why did he do that? What was the need?” To win, presumably. Vince calls for Austin to be disqualified for hitting Mero on the ropes. Sable goes to help her husband and Stone Cold kicks and roars. Sable is helping her husband up and hits some terrible 3/4 time on the mat. She’s doing more harm than good. Vince seems to complain after every Stone Cold attack with, “What was the meaning of that? What’s that all about?” as if the man has never seen a fight, let alone a wrasslin’ match, let alone runs an entire company.

Stone Cold slaps the back of Mero’s head and goes off the ropes to a botched Bronco. The crowd go a bit wild as the announcers say, “What’s this? Look at this!” yet the camera does not change. On the hard cam, we see a bellhop move across in front of the ring. Stone Cold seems to botch a powerbomb and keeps Mero on his shoulders for an embarrassingly long period of time before the two men fall over to the outside. The bellhop brings Jerry Lawler a piece of paper, Marlena in tow. Why this is happening in a Mero/Austin match is beyond me. Mero hits a sweet moonsault from the apron to Austin followed by a jump from the apron to the ring. Ten punch at the turnbuckle followed by an attempted hurricanrana. Stone Cold reverses it by throwing Mero onto the ropes, catching him on his Marclets. Reversed stunner. Shot of Marlena. Actual stunner. Stone Cold wins by pinfall in 10:48.

2016 comments:

Botchamania here. I can count a number of fucked up moves and I don’t know if it’s Mero’s fault for not hitting them correctly or Stone Cold’s for assuming Mero knows more than he does. Not the match I expected and not as good as their King of the Ring match. I didn’t like the Marlena angle either. Don’t have other angles in a match, it cheapens the two men in the ring.

1996 comments:

Terri and Sable? I’d be happy if it didn’t take away from the mediocre wresting.

Grade: C

We’re not getting a good average on the first four matches (only three of them actual matches in the PPV, by the way) and we are over half way through the set matches, yet under an hour of the PPV has elapsed. We were promised two hours of action. Action of a hard-hitting, high-flying, heart-stopping and piledriving nature. I feel cheated by this. Stone Cold leaves and Sable enters the ring for her husband. Stone Cold has a star on his bottom. The stunner looks really brutal from this angle, almost as if the opponent trips just as Stone Cold slips.

Bob Backlund is in the crowd. He’s campaigning, apparently. JR says, “Here’s a look now at the Undertaker… musically,” and we cut to the same promo from before. Lots of green screen here. Taker’s voice sounds so young. Once again, we cut to some Mankind, some Goldust, some blacksmithing. Can’t get over how unsafe a blacksmith Undertaker is. I just notice that there is a “record scratch” sound effect in the middle of it. In a Goddamn Undertaker promo.

Back to the ring and JR states that the crowd of 14,804 is the biggest crowd to watch an In Your House PPV live. The next PPV, Mind Games, had an attendance of 15,000, reportedly, but that might not count because it’s a very specific number, isn’t it?

Goldust comes out, all low FPS letterboxed screen and gold dust falling from the sky. This is going to be a great match. Goldust is the shit. I remember hating him back in the day because he would feel wrestlers up and maybe it was WWF’s latent homophobia as well. Either way, I don’t think Goldust was gay, he was just… what are the kids calling it now? Genderfluid? Shit I don’t know.

Vince calls Goldust, “the most bizarre individual ever to step foot in the WWF.” Jr says Goldust is, “in great shape.” Both those statements are probably lies, especially if anyone has met The Iron Sheik. Taker’s music hits and Paul Bearer comes out, followed by the man himself, taking his damn time coming to the ring. We have about an hour of this PPV left and at this rate, the last match will be about 5 minutes long. Taker seems to have forgiven Bearer for battering him about the head with that damn magical urn of his. Minutes later and Taker is finally in the ring. Bearer gives the urn to the ref and slowly begins to disrobe Taker. Vince ponders whose ashes are in the urn.

The Undertaker def. Goldust w/ Marlena via DQ in 12:07.

Brilliant spot as Goldust refuses to enter the ring. Taker’s big ginger roots are showing, staring through the hair. The bell rings and Goldust is still in the ring. Do these officials know nothing of the rules? Pricks, the fucking lot of them. Goldust is time wasting and not getting counted out. Taker makes a move and Goldie damn near jumps over the barrier. Paul Bearer is squealing away in the background like a stuck pig.

Spot of the night so far when Goldust grabs the ref as a shield to protect him from Taker. The ref is terrified and Taker is not moving. Goldust (whose bottom is threatening to eat his suit) stares at Taker, gingerly steps forward and bravely, stupidly, does his weird chest-feeling Goldust move right in Taker’s face. Taker uppercuts Goldie and the perverted Hollywood Critic bounces out of the ring. He threatens to leave, his junk pushing up against his weird lycra bodysuit for all the world to see. Jesus, Dustin, you couldn’t wear a cup?

Vince calls Marlena Goldust’s “director”, which is weird because she never bloody talks. Pfft. Artists. The ref finally starts a count out, after Goldust has been out of the ring for a minute or more. Undertaker is out, slapping Dusty and hits him with an unimpressive chokeslam onto the steep steps. Goldust lands on his hungry butt. It is embarrassing in its stupidity. He hits a ring worker on his way down. Taker is back in the ring and Goldust is taking his time. Out comes Taker, smacking our man Goldust. Taker lifts the steel steps and Marlena dives in front of Goldust. The crowd goes bananas, but, alas, the Phenom drops the steps to the side.

Goldust starts to chew on the turnbuckle in an attempt to remove the padding on the steel rings that hold the ropes together. Clearly a set up for some spot later. I can read this shit like a book. The pair trade blows left and right, slamming each other into the turnbuckles like ragdolls. Undertaker goes for Old School and Vince calls out, “What athleticism!” as if it’s impossible to walk on ropes when holding your opponents hands. Taker is knocked to the outside and lands perfectly on his feet. Goldust’s hungry bum yearns for Taker’s defeat. Goldust takes a great Flair Flop into the centre of the ring and goes straight for the turnbuckle padding when he gets up. Goldust pummels at Taker on the ground and throws the Deadman outside… again.

Vince is shite at telegraphing spots. As soon as someone starts a spot, he’s there with the, “Oh golly gosh, what is this?” business. Anyway, Undertaker takes some steel steps to the spine. Dusty applies a mini camel clutch, threatening to fuck Taker’s ass and make him humble. “Rest In Peace!” chant pops from the crowd, led by our man P-Bizzle. Taker goes for the scoop and gets a handful of Goldusts Goldlets. Another scoop and the Tombstone Piledriver. Taker goes for the pin and pauses. Is he gassed? Is he-

OH CHRIST.

Out from underneath the ring, rises the brown form of Mankind, pulling Taker underneath the mat. The ref gets rid of the scalpel as the ref pantomimes a, “Where did they go?” look. Marlena is crying away and Vince ponders, “How did he do that?” How, indeed, Vincent? How, indeed?

Mankind pops up like Punxsutawney Phil and smoke rises from the hole from which he emerged. The lights flicker and Paul squawks like a damn parrot. Jerry states unequivocally that, “Not even the Undertaker can rise from this,” and JR understanding the absurdity of that statement, adds, “He might be unconscious! The Mandible Claw!” More smoke puffs from the hole, presumably to hide Taker’s eventual appearance from the other side of the ring. He batters Mankind down the aisle and into the house, like an unruly child getting beating by an embarrassed mother.

2016 comments:

This is just another shitty match in an evening of shitty matches. Other than the start, which was grade-A comedy, the rest was guff and just time wasting until Mick got his act in order to jump up from beneath the ring.

1996 comments:

Not even Mick Foley can save this match from bad lights flickering and time-wasting.

Grade: C

Vince says, “Unbelievable! I think we have seen it all but… who knows?” With just under an hour on the clock, Vince, I wouldn’t like to think that is just it. Some of the crowd throw a cardboard crown at Jerry. Security come over to tell them off and calm them down. Backstage, in the boiler room, Mankind and the Undertaker beat on each other. Fakest “camera shut off” effect and back to the announcer team where Jerry says, “I think the ring’s on fire.”

Exclusive Coliseum Video footage of the upcoming Summerslam Boiler Room Brawl match between Taker vs Mankind. Kevin Kelly is having a chat with Goldust, Marlena and Mankind. Mick goes on some rant about his mother while holding Goldust’s wig. Mankind starts headbutting whatever it is that Goldie is lying on. One of the lights above starts to swing back and forth.

On the Card will return on August 11th with the fourth and final part of In Your House 9: International Incident 1996.

Attitude Era #2. In Your House 9: International Incident (July 21, 1996) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Fuck Bradshaw.

Promo for the Undertaker vs. Goldust match later and Goldust himself is coming out to the ring! Great stuff. Cut to a music video promo for the Undertaker, not that one is needed because he’s the motherfucking Undertaker. Lots of flashes and slow motion of him in his western garb. Mankind appears and the video becomes less paranormal, more sinister. Then heavy metal guitar kicks in and Paul Bearer is spinning with the Undertaker’s urn all lit up like Old Gregg’s downstairs mixup. We see Taker doing some smithing by a furnace. Video becomes dark again and Goldust is there with Mankind but then it’s back to the heavy metal and the kickass chokeslams that Taker is known for.

Back in the ring, Marlena and Goldust are by the announce team. Goldust is looking wonderful. Goldie is amazing with his wig and feather boa. He’s spouting some nonsense like Brando in Apocalypse Now. Then he’s up and away. Why he did that by the announce team and not cut the promo in the ring is beyond me. Maybe they wanted Free-For-All, which is before the PPV to be free of actual plot.

Cut to promo about the main event match – Camp Cornette (Vader, Slammy Award Winning Owen Hart and British Bulldog) against The People’s Posse (Shawn Michaels, Sycho Sid and Ahmed Johnson).

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Sid wasn’t even supposed to be in the match. It was supposed to be Ultimate Warrior until he realised that touching men in a wrestling match is similar to being gay, or something just as insane. He left the Fed and would not return until three days before he died.

Shot of the end of King of the Ring where Camp Cornette attacked Shawn after the Michaels vs. Bulldog match. Ultimate Warrior actually appears before it cuts to Gorilla Monsoon, kayfabe WWF President, announcing the indefinite suspension of Warrior. He gives the reason as the legit reason Warrior and the Fed fell out – he no-showed a couple of shows. His reason was that he was pissed that McMahon was keeping money from him due for Warrior merchandise, but here he’s the bad guy, not McMahon. Even 20 years later, I’m a little dubious about this. But then again, the man had an ego so big he wouldn’t sell for anyone so it doesn’t surprise me. Shots of Warrior getting beaten by Camp Cornette until Corny himself drops a promo on Michaels. Shawn and Ahmed appear to reveal their partner – Sycho Sid! Brock Samson himself starts screaming like he saw a guy in a stormtrooper helmet fall out of a wall and Shawn giggles behind him like a schoolgirl. At Raw, we see Cornette throwing water in Shawn’s face. As Michaels chases the fat little turd, both guys are ambushed by Camp Cornette. A car bursts into the scene and Sid jumps out to help his buddies. The announcer mentions that Sid has been institutionalised and questions his ability to stay in the match.

José Lothario is in the ring with Jim Cornette. José walks out to Michael’s Sexy Boy music. Jumping Jim Ross is there in the middle of the ring to start this debate named Face-To-Face. The lights are being messed about with as Corny chews the scenery in the best way possible. He threatens José and claims Camp Cornette are going to kick The People’s Posse in the arse. He threatens to beat Joeé Lothario out if he touches him. José is not close enough to the mic or speaking slowly or loudly enough to be heard. He also calls the WWF Championship, “The World… Federation… Championship”. I understand English is not his first language but come on, bro. Corny takes offence to the broken English and the pair square off in the middle of the ring. Corny goes to hit Lothario with his tennis racket and there are punches thrown. Vader slithers in and walks menacingly towards Lothario before Michaels slides in, damn near slides the whole way out of the ring. Schmoz and everyone leaves.

Then we have everyone’s milquetoast motherfucker Special K himself Kevin Kelly, standing by our man Stone Cold. Kevin Kelly says that Stone Cold was “one count away” from being beaten by the Wildman Marc Mero, which was akin to saying that I am one election away from being president. Stone Cold threatens him by saying, “In one second, I’m-a knock the hell out of you, son!” K-K steps back and Stone Cold drops Austin 3:16. Close up of that half-baked tache/soul patch combo that he’s attempting to rock. Kevin Kelly cuts to the alleged boot to the face that Austin took that required over a dozen stitches to fix, a kick to the mouth during Wildman’s roll up. Austin threatens Mero and mentions Sable, which causes Kelly to quickly shoot back to the arena.

The announce team are quiet for a while and Jim Ross is having trouble with his mic.

Cut to the locker room and Camp Cornette is there. Jim is hidden behind Big Van Vader who barks at the camera. Owen and Bulldog feel each other up as Diana looks on, gormless and wondering what temperature cheese melts at. The whole thing is a clusterfuck. Cut to announce team as Bulldog starts talking. Back to the locker room. It’s just gibberish. Cornette is great but the other wrestlers are desperate to get their own words in. Vince is talking over them. Total shit show.

Good old monochrome promo for International Incident and so far there have been more promos than actual wrestling. But it’s okay! There’s the big red thundercloud and we’re going into the… après preshow promo package of showing things that happened, like, twenty minutes ago. Guff stuff. We see Cornette and Lothario… at about 12 fps by the looks of it. Cut to the title without any discussion. This whole thing looks like it’s been put together by a child. But wait! There’s a gunshot and kids crowd to the side of the ring! What could it be? Who could it be? Why, it’s Sunny and the Smoking Gunns! Jim Ross has his mic fixed and Bart Gunn lets Sunny into the ring. Cut to the Bodydonnas and Skip (Chris Candido) and Zip talk about the lack of Kloudi near them.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Chris Candido and Sunny were an item for years. She cheated on him with everyone.

The Bodydonnas come out (the title says Body Donnas) and the match is set to begin…

The Bodydonnas def. The Smoking Gunns w/ Sunny via pinfall in 13:05

This is not a match for the Tag Team Championships so who gives a good God damn. Sunny jaws off to the announce team and the Bodydonnas double team frosted tips Aaron Carter lookalike Billy Gunn. Vince debates that because the belts are not up for grabs, the Bodydonnas have a psychological advantage which makes no sense. Surely that they would try harder if the belts were on the line?

Sunny batters on the ring, keeping clearly better time than that useless Sable. She’s a terrible metronome. Bodacious Bart gives a killer clothesline to Skip. Or is it Zip? The announce team will not shut up about Jake the Snake. He was due to wrassle Mankind but due to injury, he was replaced by Henry O. Godwinn. Jerry makes fun of Jake’s drinking, setting up the match at Summerslam. JR calls Sunny a jezebel, which is pretty much his go-to taunt for women over the next few years. Sunny “collapses” after getting the vapours. SkipZip picks her up and she gives him a slap, distracting him enough for the Smoking Gunns to double clothesline him. The ref lets all this happen, the tall glass of water. Near fall and the Bodydonnas are still in the match.

JR and King rag on each other for a while. Bodacious Bart throws SkipZip so hard into the turnbuckle, the man damn near dies. Those old nineties rings just sound like hell. SkipZip goes to the top rope. Bart catches him into a powerslam. Botched double team of some kind and Billy goes ballistic. The Gunns wail on SkipZip and he retaliates, getting a mean old whuppin’ for his trouble. Jewish referee Harvey Whippleman, a man who, at the age of 30 looks twice that, has no idea what’s going on. He keeps getting distracted and runs after the faces when the heels are up to no good! Fuck Wall Street man, the big crime is this inconsistent refereeing we’re seeing here.

We hear that Brian Pillman is manning the WWF Superstar line, which is amazing. He’s be talking about Charles Manson or something mental to some 8-year-old child who is still wondering where Ultimate Warrior is. Billy does a huge jump off the top rope and SkipZip catches him with an inverted atomic drop. Right on his old Gunnlets! Billy ragdolls about the ring, clutching his precious, precious manplums. Of course, their oil baron father will take him out of the will now. Without any ability to sire his own, he is worthless. The Gunn name is in the hands of Bodacious Bart, and we know that he has lain with cattle on occasion. His kin will be beasts, abominations unto the Lord Our God Jesus Who Is The Christ.

Sunny doesn’t seem happy one way or the other. Still, though, she’s keeping perfect time on the ring there, battering 4/4. Billy trips Zip, not Skip. Ref gives him lip. Skip takes a trip. Skip lands the pin and SkipZip pins Bart in 13:05.

2016 comments:

Heap of shite match. It was a nothing match that did not advance the plot or the feud. All that happened was the heel champs were heels, the faces fought back, cheated and won. No one went over and it was just an excuse to show off Sunny (fair enough) and for the Tag champs to get a payday. At least put the belts on the line and make it interesting. Two out of three falls or something. Have SkipZip cheat and Sunny to get the belts taken off them somehow. Make the heels looks snivelling and by-the-book, not like the parodies they are.

1996 comments:

What are the Hollys doing in red pants? And why is Road Dogg missing his dreads? Crazy stuff.

Grade: C

Sunny acts like the parody of Texas she is and takes her cowboy hat on, stomping about the ring like a toddler. Sunny screams like a child, as if they lost the belts. Sunny is lying down in the ring, dying for a shag, the rascal. The minute Chris Candido’s back is turned, she’s at it. The reply shows the jump from the turnbuckle to a missile dropkick was landed painfully. Some wrestlers are stupid.

Cut to Camp Cornette. Mr. Perfect is speaking to them all and another replay of the José Lothario/Jim Cornette slapping match during Free For All. Vader is destroying the locker room for some reason. Diana watches on, weird face on her. Owen is killing it with his heel business. the lot of them are slagging The People’s Posse whilst Mankind’s weird music plays in the background. Back in the day, he had tense music to start and different, softer music to finish.

Straight up Shoot Fact: The choice of different music for entrance and exit was based on a scene from Silence of the Lambs where Hannibal Lecter murders the two prison guards.

The strange thing about the entrance music is that, despite the fact that every wrestler has entrance music, none play about with it that much. New Jack in ECW used to have Ice Cube and Dr. Dre’s “Natural Born Killaz” play throughout his matches on a loop, like he wanted the match to be an action scene in a movie. That said, though, New Jack also stabbed other wrestlers and was generally a cunt so his innovations with theme music are not as impressive.

Mankind is running around the ring in the dark like a mentalist. There is a window gobo in the centre of the ring and he struts about it for a while. Ould Henry O. Godwinn turns up with Hillbilly Jim. The house prop in the background (of In Your House fame) is surrounded by mountees. For, you see, we are in Canada, which means that most of the crowd… are canuck. And, as we all know, that is the greatest betrayal of all. You know who else is canuck? Wolverine. And Deadpool.

Mankind looks on, staring at Henry O. Godwinn as he dances with Hillbilly Jim. Mankind has pulled his hair from his head and now sports bald patches here and there. Yeah, Mick. They’re the weird ones.

Mankind def. Henry O. Godwinn via KO in 6:54

Henry O. Godwinn shouts, “Hooo-eee!” to the crowd and Mankind goes mental, beating him about the head and trying to bite him. Irish Referee Tim White is on the case, though. JR explains that Mankind has applied the Mandible Claw four times on the Undertaker, which seems both excessive and uninteresting. Irish whip and Henry hits Mick with one hell of a powerslam. Mankind goes to leave, thinks better of it and returns to the ring. He boots Godwinn to the ground. King quips, out of the blue, “One good thing about Canada: they don’t have an Arkansas, the state that gave us the Godwinns and a president named Bubba.

Fuck the King for besmirching the good name of Clinton.

King then makes a reference to Jake the Snake again: “Unlike Bubba, Jake always inhaled.” Godwinn, annoyed by this, beats on Mankind for a while and the ring is being stunk up by both these men. Great bulldog by Mankind followed by an elbow. Mankind roars for a bit, pulls at his hair and starts hammering Godwinn in the corner. JR tells us that he believes, “Mankind is the most dangerous man in the World Wrestling Federation. Mankind removes the mat outside the ring and gives Godwinn a neckbreaker to the concrete before throwing him back in the ring. Godwinn punches the psycho from his knees and takes over. Mankind jumps to the turnbuckle and cracks his head. Great clothesline from Godwinn and Mankind is thrown onto the exposed concrete.

Godwinn starts “hoo-eee!”-ing and Mankind becomes furious, applying the Mandible Claw, resulting in the knockout in 6:54.

2016 comments:

What can there be said about a match that lasts less than seven minutes, all of them uneventful? Sick bump to the concrete aside, the match was the drizzling shits.

1996 comments:

I love Mankind. I wish he would do bumps to concrete from higher places.

Grade: C-

Mankind rolls about the place as a guy in the crowd rocks a stormtrooper t-shirt, a clear reference to that one guy who fell through a wall. Mankind pure sprints down the aisle towards the mounties. They’re not impressed.

On the Card will return on August 4th with the second part of In Your House 9: International Incident 1996.

Attitude Era #1. King of the Ring (June 23, 1996) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Good Stone Cold match, crap Jake The Snake match.

WWF Tag Team Championship match: The Smoking Gunns (c) w/ Sunny def. The Godwinns via pinfall in 10:10

Oh those gosh-darned Gunns!

I will tell you one thing: during the nineties, the Fed knew how to properly gimmick up a tag team. I tell you what. I don’t need to know the damned backstory of these two teams. We have the hillbilly Godwinns against the Texan Gunns. I’m just going to assume that they’re cattle rustlers and oil barons. That’s it. That’s all I need.

The Smoking Gunns are Bodacious Bart Gunn and (Bad Ass) Billy Gunn before D-X turned him into a butt-loving butt lover. The Godwinns are Henry O. Godwinn and Phineas I. Godwinn AKA Mideon and are managed by Hillbilly Jim. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to realise that their initials spell HOG and PIG. They come to the ring with barnyard animals. This is a comedy tag team at its best because they’re loving their characters without it being too in-your face and over-the-top. This is either going to be the best match of the card or a filler.

Turns out it’s somewhere in the middle. I generally do not rate tag matches because they follow all the same tropes: your favourite wrestler watches a match three-quarters of the time whilst people you don’t care about build up to the hot tag where everyone is steamrolled and then pinned. Occasionally there’s some infighting and referee distractions and the rules don’t matter. But I am just so taken by the gimmicks in this match. The Godwinns come to the ring with baby goats under their arms. Both brothers are wearing dungarees and colourful Hoganesque yellow and red. There’s lots of dancing and swinging around. All very kid-friendly.

The Gunns cut a promo and by that I mean that Sunny cuts a promo. Say what you want about Tammy Sytch, the woman had charisma coming out of her eyes. No wonder Shawn Michaels and her would bump uglies for months. The Gunns come out, all in leather and jeans, full of smoke like they’ve been burning some of that Texas tea that they love so much. No wonder they’re the heels. The match hasn’t even started yet and I’m enjoying myself so much.

Cut to Free-For-All showing the Bodydonnas and “Kloudi” their new valet. The line between genuine comedy and so-bad-it’s-good comedy has blurred somewhat for me. Owen says Sunny is better than Sable, because the Gunns are tag champs and Mero has no belt. Sunny is clearly over with the crowd. One of the Godwinns tries to throw some slop over Sunny. Billy causes the distraction and Bart takes over as the match begins, 426 words later. Owen takes some time to say that Yokozuna is fat and Phineas (red Mideon) has one of his “spells” where he goes into a black rage. Kloudi appears at the bottom and calls Vince “Mr. McMahon” before blowing JR a kiss.

Henry Godwinn gets Bodacious Bart into an arm lock and he taps out – oh, but wait, it’s not an official tap out in some way, even though he slapped the ring thrice. Billy kicks Henry in the back, tags in, and the pair of them give a beatdown to the Yellow Godwinn. This whole time, Hillybilly Jim is presumably trying to sell the livestock to the crowd. Maybe Bowl Cut Kid buys one to sacrifice to whatever god he believes in, some Eldritch abomination, no doubt, that gives him his wicked powers. Bodacious Bart gets some licks in and Henry gets a roll-up and almost gets the three. Both men go down and we’re building up to the hot tag. Phineas gets excited and the ref goes to calm him down before Bart casually steps into the ring, claps his hands together to simulate a tag and the ref is none that wiser.

Those damn cheatin’, rootin’, tootin’ Gunns!

Bart goes for the leg drop and misses, leading to the hot tag, a schmoz and in the rabble, a boot goes over the back of the head of Phineas Godwinn and Billy Gunn pins him for the win in 10:10.

2016 comments:

This was a terrible match, even by tag team midcard nineties standards, but I am so taken by this backstory that the Gunns and the Godwinns have some family feud over land that I enjoyed thinking of vignettes where the Gunns would be trying to rustle some cattle from the Godwinns and they would have these harebrained traps set up like simpletons. In my mind, there was a lot of hat-stomping. None of these vignettes ever existed, of course, they were all in my head, which goes to show that this match was so unentertaining that I had to find enjoyment in my imagination. In 2016.

1996 comments:

I didn’t put any weight into tag matches during this time because there were only about four tag teams in the whole company. And let’s face it, no good tag teams would come along until The Acolytes, Brood and Hardys. I probably skipped this match, if I’m being honest.

C-

As the Gunns leave to a chant of SUNNY! from the crowd, we cut to Fabulous Freebird Dok Hendrix interviewing Camp Cornette: Corny, Bulldog and Clarence Mason, who is a Johnnie Cochran analogue, though I like to believe he is a member of the USCIS. Corny cuts a killer promo on Michaels and there is a lot of anger behind it, which is fair enough because at this time, Michaels was an absolute diva. Corny has a bunch of great stories about Shawn being a total son of a bitch at this point in history. Mr. Perfect comes in and Bulldog starts shouting at Michaels, ending with, “you’re mine in less than a few short hours away,” which seems redundant. His wife, Diana Hart-Smith, is hanging out behind him, presumably checking out his backne.

The Ultimate Warrior def. Jerry “the King” Lawler via pinfall in 3:50

The music hits and Lawler comes out with his shit-eating grin. The King is at King of the Ring, which makes the tournament superfluous. He inspects the regal merchandise as an RF Video sign hangs behind him. This is before his full-time commentary post in the fed, though he had commentated PPVs in the past, and his patter is instantly recognisable. He calls the people of Milwaukee losers and spends a good amount of time building some cheap heat from the crowd. A girl wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt does not appreciate his shit. He drops some pretty harsh words to members of the crowd, calling specific ones fat, ugly and at one point tells a pair of girls that they have faces that “turn men into, well, people like Goldust.” Even for mid-nineties heat, it’s pretty harsh stuff.

This goes on for damn near five minutes. We see a cut from two weeks ago where the King hit Ultimate Warrior on the back of the head with a painting. Jerry doesn’t seem to notice the huge Warrior pyro that is set up behind him in the ring, and seems shocked when Warrior’s music hits and the pyro lights up. Down runs the man that selling forgot and he starts hyping up the crowd by shaking himself like a big bowl of jelly. He is basically a buff Santa, let’s face it. Lawler hits him with the King of the Ring sceptre and the ref stupidly rings for the bell before spending the first minute trying to stop Lawler from choking Warrior with the damned sceptre. Surely foreign objects are some of the things you need to check for before starting a match?

Warrior fights back and actually sells the punches Lawler dishes out. Lawler uses his hand tape to choke Warrior for a while and hits his piledriver. Warrior no sells it, because he’s a cunt. He runs about the ring like child, hits a couple of clotheslines, a jumping lariat and pins Lawler for the win.

2016 comments:

Holy crap! A Warrior match! This is going to be- oh wait, is that it? I had fond memories of the Warrior from being a child, which was his entire point, I suppose, and Lawler is a fantastic heel, so thought this would be similar to what it was – cheating Lawler gets the upper hand and eventually is toppled. I did not realise that Warrior was going to be such a cunt about the whole thing, but it wasn’t long before he left the Fed (this would be his last PPV appearance as a performer, though he appeared at WrestleMania XXX after being inducted into the Hall of Fame) and you could see he did not give a shit. Honestly, the only reason the man lived so long on his diet of steroids, homophobia and insanity is because he was determined that his last act in the Fed was not this shitty match, but that amazing promo he cut when being inducted into the Hall of Fame. He died one day after his final appearance on RAW.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: He legally changed his name to Warrior in 1993 and his children carry “Warrior” as a surname. That’s pretty boss.

1996 comments:

Holy crap! The annoying announcer was a wrestler?

D

On the Card will return on July 7th with the second part of King of the Ring 1996.