Previously on On the Card: Owen Hart. That is all.
Cut to the boiler room where Todd Pettengill is walking through, calling Mankind’s home “creepy” and explaining that the matchup has no rules other than that the first person who gains possession of the urn will be victorious. No chat as to where the urn is or why Mankind wants it. I know why Taker wants it – a fine urn is hard to come by and urns and coffins are the man’s bread and butter. Todd goes on to say that the boiler room is “dark… ominous… there are things in here… there are pipes…” He stumbles onto Mankind who calls him “Tom” and says that there is no place like home. He then licks the pipe because Mankind is fucking mental.
Music hits and who should come out but those damn New Rockers (Leif Cassidy AKA Al Snow and Marty Janetty). No team with “New” at the top of their name are ever good, other than the New Age Outlaws, but only because there are no Old Age Outlaws, except maybe for now. The Bodydonnas (written again as The Body Donnas) come to the ring. Boring. The Godwinns rock down (shot of Vlad the Superfan before the Godwinns appear) and Hillbilly Jim has a dawg with him. Both Godwinns have pigs. Great bunch of lads. The pigs are having a nice wee squeal to themselves. Those Damn Gunns come down with Sunny. Sunny is looking wonderful, as per usual. JR says she has confidence, and why wouldn’t she? This was a time when Sunny was queen of the castle and riding all within. Sunny refuses to give the belts to the ref. Someone in the crowd wants to marry her and good old Bodacious Bart Gunn lifts her to the ground.
WWF Tag Team Championship match: The Smoking Gunns (c) w/ Sunny def. The Bodydonnas, The New Rockers and The Godwinns w/ Hillbilly Jim via pinfall in 12:18
This match has eight people in it (ten if you count Jim and Sunny; thirteen if you count the animals) and it is still shorter than the previous match. It is also the only tag team match on the card and is for the WWF Tag Team Championship aaaaand it’s an elimination match. That’s a lot of things.
Billy Gunn and Henry Godwinn start off. The Godwinns shout, “hooo-eee!” into the air and double G start off with a bit of back and forth, great Irish whip into a hip toss. Henry goes some mental move and out he rolls. SkipZip tags in and Henry tags out. As an elimination match, each time a tag team member is eliminated, the whole team is eliminated. It makes much more sense to stay out of the ring as much as possible. The Gunns are talking as the pair in the match run the ropes. Both stop and tag in both Gunns! The Gunns are now the legal men… against each other! In any other tag match, this means one could pin the other and the Gunns would win, but as this is an elimination match, they’re fucked!
The Gunns can’t believe their eyes. Sunny shows her bum to the camera. The Godwinns jump off the apron and won’t allow themselves to be tagged. SkipZip allows himself to be tagged in and Billy is tossed around like a mad one. Leif Cassidy cracks SkipZip on the back of the head and Billy gets the pinfall to eliminate the Bodydonnas. Sunny shouts at Mr. Perfect, who just looks on as if to say, “Will you fucking not?” Perfect mentions that it’s a good strategy to allow the other teams to beat themselves up. Marty Janetty (Tag Team Champ with Shawn Michaels many moons ago) beats the head off Henry Godwinn and tags in Bad Ass Billy Gunn, who has an Owen Hart wrist. Henry hits Billy with a sidewalk slam and goes for the pin, but it’s interrupted as if everyone wants the Gunns to stay in to get a beating from the other teams. Henry hits an inverted DDT (Slop Drop) on Marty Janetty and eliminates the New Rockers with a pinfall.
It’s Gunn vs. Godwinn. Oil baron vs. cattle rustler. Sunny making perfect time on the ring apron like a metronome. Vince says, “It doesn’t matter how you win, as long as you win. It could be disqualification, countout, as long as you win,” which is bollocks because those are two ways a title can’t change hands. Elimination matches are silly. Time wasting city as Henry is beat on by those damn Gunns. Bodacious Bart beats Henry in the corner for a bit. Henry fights back with an atomic drop. The pace really slows down to accommodate these teams. Billy goes for a cross-body and Henry catches him mid-air. Phineas is dying for the hot tag. The man is covered in pig pee.
Hot tag and the teams kick the tripe out of each other. Old Phineas hits the inverted DDT (known as the Slop Drop) on Billy and goes for the pin but Sunny is distracting the ref. Bart capitalises by hitting the double axe handle nothing on Phineas, rolls Billy over for the pinfall in 12:18.
This was obviously a filler match. It had one or two nice spots, but no storylines were developed and no new teams went over. We just hate them all a little more.
All of these damn team members are interchangeable – other than that guy who looks like Nick Carter.
Hillbilly Jim is in the ring, checking on the Godwinn boys. JR tells us that the Gunns had no advantage walking into this match, but survived “by hook or crook.” Sunny gets the mic and you know shit is going down when that happens. She has little intonation; the woman just screams as loud as she can. She tells people to look at the woman next to them and calls them fat. The camera aims at a woman in the crowd. Pretty pointed. Sunny gives the place a present and a huge, must be damn near 30-foot-high picture of Sunny unrolls and hangs just off the ring. JR calls her, “a very conceited young lady,” and is disappointed by the whole thing. He also tells us that she, “missed a much-needed trip to the woodshed,” which sounds like just the type of thing the Godwinns are up to this weather.
Vince thanks the crowd and there is a promo package showing Cleveland. The narrator asks what is the “coolest way to get to Summerslam” and the Godwinns answer by saying it is… Rapid Transit, of course! Cleveland’s own transit system! The Gunns are using a horse that Sunny quips is, “almost as good looking as me!” Probably not as hung as you, Sunny, the balls on you. The horse and the transit system have a race. I swear to you, this is a promo for a fucking train. The two teams cut a promo about air conditioning. This is… what is this?
Cut to Jerry “the King” Lawler has a back and forth with some baseball players. The most exciting sport in the world vs. the most boring. Savio Vega, Sunny, Godwinns and future hand-father, Mark Henry is there to… help paint a wall. I swear to you, this is a promo about trains, baseball and paint. Bob Holly appears and gives a kid the stink-eye. Watch out, boy, Hardcore Holly ain’t nothing to fuck with. Taker and Bearer give away an entire funeral, apparently.
Back to the arena, thank Christ, and I never thought I was as happy to see The British Bulldog come to the ring like a burst sausage. Cut to Dok Hendrix with old Brock Samson himself. The Bulldog’s music is still playing loud in the background as Sycho Sid tries to cut his mental promo about being the ruler and master of the world. Sid looks two seconds away from either a heart attack or stroke. His music hits mid-promo and Sid has to shoot off to get in the match with Bulldog. Say what you want about Stabby Sid, he looks the part. Cocaine is one hell of a drug. Bulldog flexes in the ring while Sid is just talking nonsense to the crowd, blinking continuously, pointing at the lights and spouting shite. Some idiot wants Sid for Pres, which is mental because his foreign policy is bollocks and he has no political experience. Despite this, Sid is over as fuck.
Sycho Sid def. The British Bulldog via pinfall in 6:24.
Vince reminds us that you use what you have as an asset. Sid is getting the crowd all hyped up and the pair lock horns. Irish whip shows that the Bulldog, despite his sausage appearance, is not strong enough to knock over Sid and he is so upset by this that he goes to leave the damn arena. Sid gets the crowd whipped up into a “PSYCHO SID!” chant and some fat fuck wearing a “Bishoff Sucks” t-shirt sits only feet away from Goldust Kid, who is still the best audience member so far. Sid gets Bulldog into a headlock and Bulldog actually lift Sid up, who retaliates with a shite judo throw. Pin attempt into kip-up by Sid.
Bulldog does a fucking great delayed suplex on Sid. Immigration is very happy about that. Immigrants, it seems, are like Pokémon and the more Bulldog beats on Sid, the easier he will be to catch. More chinlocks followed by Sid battering the ring, which should be a count out, but doesn’t count… out. Sid is knocked to the back and we show Vader and Cornette watching the match. This shit is awful. What’s the point? I’m not watching either of them. I was, however, watching Bulldog’s trunks get eaten by his bum. Another delayed suplex and another chinlock. Sid fights back, slaps the shit out of Bulldog and some guy in the audience bows to him. All he did was slap a motherfucker.
Great powerslam from Bulldog and Cornette comes out to berate Immigration. Bulldog goes for another powerslam but Sid retaliates with a chokeslam followed by the most over powerbomb so far and Sid pins Bulldog for the win in 6:24.
Oh man. Sid is so over. I mean, I know he’s a good wrestler as well, so there’s no reason why I should be annoyed about him, but can you not be more like Shawn and be over and still a fantastic wrestler? Give the crowd a show. This was a squash. A great squash, but still a squash.
Take that, Bulldog, you (otherwise fantastic wrestler with whom I have a personal grudge due to misplaced aggression at your nationality (which I suppose technically makes me a racist)) cunt.
Both Immigration and Cornette shout on the outside and try to hug Bulldog better. Sid is fantastic, even though he’s not looking at the hard cam. Replay of the powerbomb (which actually looks a bit dangerous as Bulldog drops about a foot onto his goddamned neck).
On the Card will return on September 1st with the third part of SummerSlam 1996.