Ruthless Aggression #11: ECW December to Dismember (Dec 3 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Drizzling shits.

Backstage, Sabu is being loaded into an ambulance. Don’t know why it’s taken so long for that to happen. RVD and CM Punk are there, ready to look disappointed.

Out come Daivari and the Great Khali. Well, they can go fuck themselves. Daivari shouts in a foreign language. The cheek of him! Don’t he know that this is America? The announcers attempt to big up Khali, who is not even wrestling this evening.

Tommy Dreamer’s music hits and the man himself comes out, not getting as big a pop as he should, really. The crowd chant for ECW as the bell rings.

Daivari (w/ The Great Khali) def. Tommy Dreamer via pin in 7:22.

Why isn’t Beulah out? She should be there, taking chokeslams from Khali or whatever. Daivari takes over at the start and Tommy goes after Khali until Daivari rolls back in the ring and gets a lovely hip toss for his effort. Daivari goes outside, takes an almost-countout and Tommy drop toe-holds him. Lovely baseball slide to Tommy’s head and Daivari is thrown into the barricade. In the ring, Dreamer give Daivari a lovely suplex and goes to bounce off the ropes but Khali pulls on them, causing Dreamer to fall outside the ring and for Khali to be ejected from ringside. Brilliant. Crowd are loving it.

In the ring, Tommy is being beaten on by Daivari and gets into a chinlock in the centre of the ring. Tommy gets slammed to the floor, gets an elbow drop and knees to the spine and elbows to the neck. The crowd urge Dreamer to “Fuck ‘em up.” More chinlocks, a rear-naked choke to be exact. Tommy’s fist pounds, fighting to his feet and lifting Daivari on his back until Dreamer falls back, slamming the pair of them down. Fists swing mid-ring and Daivari goes on his back. Lovely back-body drop and Dreamer gives Daivari the inverted DDT but gets no pin. Fireman’s carry followed by a rake to the eyes and Daivari goes top-rope. Dreamer attempts to throw him off but Daivari jumps for the headbutt and misses. Tommy fires Daivari into the Tree of Woe and the dropkick. Then Daivari hits the roll-up and wins.

2016 comments:

Crappy start, good middle, shitty ending.

2006 comments:

I was almost enjoying that.

Grade: C

Tommy, embarrassed, goes after Daivari. Khali appears and throws Tommy onto the Titantron. It is shitty and weak-looking even in the replay. In fact, they show the replay a number of times. Is Tommy legit hurt? Who is to know? Wait… wait… Tommy is sitting up! He’s fine. He’s back! He’s alive! Fuck yeah! Tommy Dreamer! ECW! Etc.

Paul Heyman is looking for someone and he finds Hardcore Holly. We all know what’s going to happen here. He suggests that Hardcore Holly replace Sabu. Bob Holly can’t act to save his life. God damned Sparky Plugg.

Mike Knox’s music plays and he comes out hand-in-hand with Kelly Kelly. It’s a mixed-gender tag team match. Yeo. This is going to be worth the airtime, I tell you what. Mike gives off to Kelly Kelly and as he goes to the corners, Kelly wishes CM Punk good luck in the Elimination Chamber. Christ.

Then Ariel and Kevin Thorn come out. They’re goths, you see. They’re called “two followers of vampirism”. As a kid, I loved Ariel, I thought she was the bees knees. Now, I see her as a semi-talented wrestler. Bell rings.

Intergender Tag Team match: Kevin Thorn and Ariel def. Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly via pin in 7:43.

The thing with having a male/female tag matches is that there are two kinds: intergender and mixed. In intergender, it works like a normal tag match where the legal partner tags in the one on the apron to help out in ring; in mixed, when two males are squaring off and one tags in his female partner, his opponent’s female partner must also tag in. The first is for hardcore and to allow lads to hit ladies; the second is a bit more PC and family friendly and stops the misogyny… or at least cuts back on it.

Thorn and Knox start off with Mike giving a few stretches and Kelly jumping on the apron. Kevin and Mike lock up. It is clear that Mike is the stronger of the two and Thorn wants to figure out his weaknesses. Quick dodge from Thorn and a punch to Knox’s face to knock him down. Ariel is distracting the cameraman with her arse. Knox tages over, pulling Thorn by the hair and knocking him to the ground with a huge punch. The pace here is slow and Ariel screams more than Melina. Lovely clothesline from Thorn and he gives Kelly a good hard stare. Tazz: “Good look there, Joey, like kismet… kismet, I say!”

Knox gives Thorn the big boot and goes for the pin but Kevin’s foot is on the rope. The crowd are going mental as Ariel is jumping up and down on the Apron as Knox gets Thorn in the headlock. The ladies haven’t been in yet but Ariel tags herself in and calls for Kelly Kelly to enter the ring. Kelly, just happy to be in attendance, points at herself as if to say, “My name is Kelly.” The crowd go mental. Ariel hits the big boot and gives Kelly a semi-tarantula on the ropes. A few punches and a crowd-pleasing boot to the throat follows. Ariel pulls on Kelly’s hair a lot. Kelly escapes Ariel’s hold and reaches for Mike but gets pulled back. Ariel does a bad dance and as Kelly goes to tag in Mike, he walks away, keeping her in the ring. Ariel takes over, giving her the fallaway chokeslam and sitting on Kelly’s face for the pin in 7:43.

2016 comments:

Godammit, so close to being a good match! If the boys had a bit more back-and-forth and the hot tag were better built up, this could have been a winner.

2006 comments:

If I just, like, hang about in Hot Topic, can I find a girl that looks like Ariel? I wouldn’t want to go out with her, just look at her for a while.

Grade: C

Ariel is about to leave but returns to Kelly to beat on her some more. The bell rings and… Oh yeah, it’s Sandman. Coming in for what reason? It’s in his contract, probably. The man stops, busts open a beer, busts open his own face, goes into the ring, swings his Singapore cane about and whips Kevin Thorn like a motherfucker. Sandman chases him up the ramp and whips him backstage, taking out a second beer and guzzling it, throwing it to the crowd afterwards. What a guy. What a terrible, terrible guy.

We’re getting ready for the Extreme Elimination Chamber and backstage, Rebecca DiPietro interviews Bobby Lashley, showing a promo of Bobby being screwed over by Paul Heyman during a match with Big Show. Bobby is upset about that. Rebecca mutters her way through a question and Bobby stumbles through his answer.

Cut to the Big Show, Bob Holly and Test walking to the ring with Paul E Dangerously and his goon squad.

Cut to a promo of the six men who will be fighting in the elimination chamber. This one is different because there are weapons. Funnily enough, this promo still has Sabu in it, which is good Kayfabe, I suppose. We see Bobby, CM Punk, RVD, Test, Sabu and Big Show hit people. Two miles of chain in the Elimination Chamber, apparently. The other stats don’t matter.

ECW music hits and out comes Paul E Dangerously himself, now known as Paul Heyman. He’s a great lad all together. He tells the crowd that this is their main event. The crowd cheer. As he talks, one member of the crowd tells him he sucks. He name-checks Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair – big woos from the crowd – and makes it out that he’s some sort of god in wrestling. He mentions Sabu and the crowd are not happy about this.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Sabu was removed from the chamber due to rumours that there was aminosity surrounding him and the Fed don’t respect him due to his reliance on hardcore matches.

Paul tells us that the time of Sabu and RVD has come to an end. Big boos. Heyman is riling the crowd up and the chamber lowers. The crowd is dead, no one is moving, no one his happy. Tazz says that he felt like he was welcome in the chamber. That’s true. He isn’t welcome anywhere near the damn thing.

The rules pop up, telling us that five minute intervals will open each pod with a new wrestler and new weapon.

Big Show’s music hits and the man comes down to the ring with his ECW world championship. He enters the chamber, look around and is ordered into a pod with the barbed wire baseball bat. He tests the barbed wire. Apparently, it is real.

CM Punk’s music hits and down he comes. Big Show’s face is against the plastic like a dog stuck in a car. Punk hops into the ring and is asked to go to a pod. He does, but not before harassing the Big Show in his. Big Show has forced his arm out of the pod already.

Test’s music hits and the crowd is silent. Ould Roidy Magoo comes down with his huge belly and his lack of talent. Tazz calls him one of the most intense athletes in the ECW roster, which is a lie. Big Show claps for Test and the ear-pierced idiot is put into a pod with a crowbar. By Christ, what is Gordon Freeman doing in a wrestling match?

Three pods filled and number four comes down: Bobby Lashley. Pathetic pyro. Lashley is the babyface, but not the fan favourite. Lashley is put in a pod with a table so that he can begin to make a refreshing meal for the other gentlemen. Paul Heyman is watching intently.

Hardcore Holly’s music hits and old Elroy Jetson himself comes to the ring with no humour at all. Awful. The crowd are going to hate him because he’s not Sabu and he’s terrible. Test applauds him with much difficulty.

Finally, we have our man RVD, coming to the ring stoned and all stretched out with his Ying and Yang. He takes his time coming to the ring because he, like everyone here, is not looking forward to this shitshow. RVD and CM Punk are good but Big Show gets gassed early, Holly has no empathy, Bobby is good but too much of a babyface and Test might well eat someone by mistake. The bell rings and the clock starts counting down from five minutes.

Extreme Elimination Match: Bobby Lashley def. Big Show (c) (w/ Paul Heyman), Rob Van Dam, Hardcore Holly, CM Punk and Test via elimination in 24:42.

Twenty-four, forty-two. The palindromic number. RVD and Holly lock up and bounce back and forth as the announcers remind us of the last ten minutes of intros. Holly throws Van Dam out of the ring and in reply, RVD jumps to the cage wall from the turnbuckle and back at Holly. Tazz wonders, “How does he do that?” By jumping. Holly throws RVD into the side of the chamber and gives him a gentle bodyslam before going to the top rope and attempting a top-rope nothing to which RVD reverses. RVD gives a huge Rolling Thunder over the top rope. Holly has a lovely wee lie down and RVD gets a suplex into the ring. Holly attempts a pin and fails. Tazz tells us that the biggest weapon in the Elimination Chamber… is the chamber itself.

Holly dropkicks RVD and the crowd counts down as the flashing roulette of fear opens up CM Punk’s pod. The straight edge lad jumps out, throws a chair at Holly and springboards right off the ropes onto RVD. He throws the chair at RVD, who catches it and throws it back. Then the two put on a better show in a minute than Holly has done in his entire career. Van Dam got bust open at some point and has his head put through the chair in the corner. Holly goes to pin Punk after flinging him into the side of the chamber and fails. Holly boots on Punk and the crowd chant for our boy Phil. RVD is badly bust and there are still two minutes to wait before someone else comes in. Holly suplexes Punk onto the ropes. Holly lifts Punk onto the top rope and there is a huge superplex from the top rope. RVD takes advantage and tries to pin Punk but fails. We have thirty seconds before another pod opens and the crowd are crazy for RVD.

The roulette of pain spins and Test comes out, the useless fuck. He sticks the crowbar’s spike into RVD’s forehead and gets a stunner from Punk. RVD is up with a chair, hitting Test a shot in the head followed by Holly and finally a dropkick with the chair to Punk. Five-Star Frog Splash and Punk is pinned.

CM Punk has been eliminated by RVD in 12:35.

Well that’s the crowd off side now. They’re not going to like that. Test big boots Holly and pins him for the elimination to no fanfare.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by Test in 12:45.

RVD climbs on top of the Big Show’s pod and the man leans through to grab him. Test gets up and hits RVD twice with a chair. Test pulls RVD off the pod, puts a chair on him and climbs up top to hit the massive elbow drop for the pin.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 14:15.

Big Show watches on, a look of horrific ecstasy on his face. The crowd are calling “Bullshit!” even though Test’s elbow drop was pretty impressive… for Test. We’re not dealing with Match of the Year types here, guys. We have New Year’s Baby and Roidy Magoo in here. C’mon. Lower the old standards.

The timer counts down and the penultimate pod opens: Bobby Lashley. But wait! Someone outside is keeping the pod locked. What is the meaning of this? Is there an unknown rule whereby if Bobby fails to leave his pod then he will be disqualified? It’s okay, though, he just uses his table to smash through some steel chains and escape. What a shitty spot.

Lashley escapes, beats on Test mercilessly and throws him into the blocked pod, smashing it open. Bobby throws Test around. The crowd are rabid by this point. Test takes over and holds Lashley by the foot, goes to take his chair and Bobby boots him in the face followed by a fair few clotheslines and a lovely suplex. Lashley gets the crowbar and spears Test, pinning him.

Test has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 19:42.

Here we go… Bobby alone in the Elimination Chamber with our boy The Big Show. Paul Heyman is giving Show a bit of a pep talk and with forty seconds left, Bobby is setting up a table to throw at Show, who stares out at him. Bobby chucks a chair at it, too and the pod opens when the time runs out. Big Show slowly walks out with the barbed wire baseball bat and wails on Bobby who only has the chair to protect himself. Bobby ducks and the barbed wire baseball bat is stuck in the chains. The ref has to remove it. Big Show is bust and Bobby throws him into a pod, beating on Show mercilessly.

Show smashes out, damn near knocking a cameraman over. Bobby bounces off the wall as if it is a ring rope. Show chucks him over the rope into the ring. Show calls for the chokeslam and Lashley is about to take it, countering it into a DDT. Paul Heyman looks on in horror. Lashley is up and the two men are swinging fists at each other. Bobby jumps into Lashley’s arms and escapes, bouncing about to give a huge spear to Big Show, winning the match in 24:42

2016 comments:

Good start, shitty middle, horrible ending.

2006 comments:

I don’t understand.

Grade: C

Bobby celebrates as our boy Paul looks on in horror and dismay. Tazz wonders how Lashley did it. With little difficulty. CM Punk and RVD did most of the hard work, being honest. He leaves, clapping hands and holding the championship aloft. Big pyro hits and Bobby’s dead happy.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: I gotta say for the ten seconds or so that CM Punk was in this PPV, he kicked arse.

Woman of the Matches: Ariel. No doubt.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk!

Best Spot: Jeff’s catapult-to-moonsault onto MNM.

Hatches: Kevin Thorn, Balls Mahoney and Daivari.

Matches: Only one title was on the line and it changed hands: Bobby Lashley wins his first reign as ECW champion.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: This is renowned as the worst PPV of all time, certainly the worst-grossing, but was it really that bad? The last match was an indication of the entire PPV: It started okay and got steadily worse except for a bit in the middle where it was okay again. This PPV could have been so much bigger and better but backstage squabbles, lack of planning and preparation makes it just so. It’s still better than wrasslin’ used to be, mind.

On the Card will return on December 17 2016 with the Smackdown PPV Armageddon 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #9. Cyber Sunday (Nov 5, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Women’s wrestling has changed since Trish left… two months ago.

Backstage, the Spirit Squad are getting ready for the next match. Kenny and Johnny have a push-off and Kenny claims he can fight Ric Flair by himself. Kenny explains that he roughed up Mikey to get his blood up, his killer instinct. Nicky “Dolph Ziggler” Nemeth says little during this exchange and so it is of little import.

Back in the arena, old man Flair comes out, waddling to the ring, wooing and ready to blade himself silly at the faintest gasp of offence from his enemy.

Maria and Todd have a little back-and-forth where she says woo a lot. Backstage, we see Ric’s possible partners for tonight – Sgt. Slaughter, Rowdy Roddy Piper and The American Dream Dusty Rhodes. Piper looks fucked and Dusty’s forehead is a mess of scar tissue. Jerry asks how many times JR voted. He replies, “early and often.” The results come in, 19% for Slaughter, 46% for Piper and 35% for Dusty. 14.576 million votes cast, by Christ. Hot Rod actually smiles and walks to the ring. He appears, apparently from Glasgow as well. JR says, “Looks like he’s been up all night thinking about this opportunity!”

Spirit Squad come out, the tag team champions. They have a bloody air horn. Fuckers. Piper looks awful.

WAIT WHAT THAT’S DUSTY’S MUSIC. Out come Dusty and Slaughter, making their way to the ring to balance the scales somewhat considering that the rest of the Spirit Squad are here as well. JR says, “The Spirit Squad still have a one-man advantage… if you’re doing the math at home.”

Tag Team Championship match: Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper (w/ Dusty Rhodes and Sgt. Slaughter) def. Kenny and Mikey (w/ Johnny, Nicky and Mitch) (c) via pin in 6:55.

Flair and Kenny start off, which Flair being pretty sprightly for a million-year-old man. He’s wooing away as well, running snapmares, taking clotheslines and rolling over to tag in Roddy. Mikey argues with him and Roddy just fucking goes bananas. He clears house and starts biting faces. He’s out of shape and looking rough but my God, the crowd are going bananas. Kenny finally takes over and the pair double team Roddy. It seems like they are bullying him, shouting as they hit him. Roddy goes for the backslide and is rewarded with a double-axe-handle smash (the most devastating move in all of wrestling. It might have even been given from Bret’s rope!).

Sleeper hold city in the middle of the ring and the ref lifts Roddy’s arm but he holds tight, trying to “walk” Kenny’s legs towards Flair for a tag. He is pulled back and drawn into an armbar, which he escapes from and promptly eye-pokes Mikey. The Spirit Squad get up for a huge Electric-Chair-Style splash. Roddy rolls and Ric comes in and the legends just double team the Spirit Squad for ages. Finally, Flair locks in the figure-four and Kenny saves his friend with a leg drop, which JR calls “a Skywalker-like elevation from Kenny”, which makes no sense as Luke never did huge elbows on Jabba or Vader. Flair hits the second figure-four and Mikey taps so that Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper win the Tag Team Championships in 6:55.

2016 comments:

An okay match from the legends but it was really held together by the Spirit Squad. JR and King had a line at the beginning, which was JR: “Roddy is not in a long-match kind of shape.” Jerry: “No. No he is not.”

2006 comments:

Old men beat male cheerleaders! What is the subtle innuendo here?

Grade: C.

Always nice to see a wee schmoz for the audience. The Spirit Squad slide in to punish Flair for losing them the championship and Dusty and Slaughter waddle in to beat them off. Jesus, there’s nine men in the ring, just being each other off. If only Pat Paterson could come in, he’d show – you get the rest of the joke. Dusty hits two Bionic Elbows and almost cracks Piper with one.

For some reason, Dusty’s music hits and he starts dancing, doing some butter-churning job.

Cut to backstage and King Booker and Queen Sharmell walk in to speak to our man Jooooooohn Cena. Booker tells Cena that they both have a giant problem – Big Show. Booker calls ECW a “cesspool of an organisation” and would prefer that Show doesn’t win any of the titles. Booker suggests that Cena and Booker team up. He is about to go on a rant but Cena interjects, agreeing immediately. Booker calls him as smart as Solomon and wise as Socrates. He is about to leave when Cena calls him back, suggesting that he spends a night with Queen Sharmell in place of his loyalty for one night.

Sharmell goes bananas and leaves the locker room. Booker and Cena argue it out… for about a second before Booker agrees. Cena reveals it was all a ploy to see if Booker was stupid enough to go for it. He goes outside, apologises to Sharmell and then throws Booker in it by saying, “So it’s Sharmell, a case of Jaegar, Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s two-by-four, Finlay’s midget and I get to watch?” Sharmell goes apeshit. Ron Simmons walks on, pauses for a moment and says, “Damn.”

Cut to the Cincinnati Bengals. They are a team. I have never heard of them.

There’s a promo that asks us what a champion is. Cena fights for pride. Booker fights for his Queen. Nobody can beat Show. We see Show winning his ECW championship alongside some champion quotes. We see King Booker with his great gimmick and Cena with his pride. Vince sets the match up and reminds us that he could have voted. Promo of the three champs kicking ass. A lot of people say, “Champion of Champions.”

Back in the ring, King Booker’s music hits and down comes the man himself, posing with his wife. Don’t know why she’s still with him. Brother just pimped her out. JR reminds us that there have been times when champions had fought each other… but never a triple threat match! This is amazing!

Big Show’s music hits and down he comes, holding the belt like an afterthought. He half-heartedly shows his belt to the audience.

Cena’s music hits! I love Cena! What a guy! He goes all along the houses, waving at the kids, saluting, being a fan favourite, throwing the hat out to the audience followed by the t-shirt. Three refs hold the belts.

Cut to Maria and Todd for their final badly-scripted back-and-forth of the night. Maria can feel anticipation. There are so many possibilities here. A champion could be going home with two titles or none. Or one, Maria. That’s three possibilities, I suppose.

The results appear and Jerry tells us he has “chillbumps” which is a cross between Goosebumps and chills, I suppose. The drumroll takes forever and I mean forever. Finally, the results come in… John Cena… 12% of the vote. Big Show… 21% of the vote… but with 67% of the 14,661,653 votes… WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, KING BOOKER.

Booker is looking characteristically terrified.

Triple Threat match for the World Heavyweight Championship: King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) def. John Cena and Big Show via pin in 21:05

The champs are in the corner, every man for himself, no count-outs, no DQs, only pins or submissions count. Cena and Show can’t lose their championships and can win without ever pinning or submitting Booker. Booker appeals to Cena, who fights back and leaves Show and Cena to fight it out as Booker watches. JR tells us Cena is a big man, a stud, but is dwarfed by Show, which we can see. Crowd are having a “Let’s go, Cena/Cena sucks!” chant which forgets that there are two other men in the ring.

Booker is watching from the corner, just like Cena will with Sharmell and his case of Jaegar. Jerry reminds us that all of Big Show’s aggression is directed as Cena. Sharmell and Booker cower outside and eventually the King makes his move, scissor kicking Show as he leans over the ropes to pick up Cena from the apron. Booker beats on Show and it does little as Show fights back against him. Headbutt sends Booker to the floor. Show runs, knocks Cena off the apron and into the announcer’s table. JR tells us that unless Show makes a “huge and monumental mistake here,” he is destined to win. He goes for the pin on Booker but Cena breaks it up.

We have Booker and Cena fighting Show for a while, trading punches and a stereo clothesline over the top rope. Booker takes over in the middle of the ring, chopping Cena mercilessly. Cena hits a lovely fisherman’s suplex and the pin is broken by Show, throwing him outside. Show takes the steel steps. JR tells us that although he cannot be DQ’d, it is unnecessary. Cena dropkicks Show’s leg and Show falls forward, cracking his head off the steps. And there is much rejoicing.

Mid-ring, Cena and Booker go at it, trading slaps. Booker hits the superkick but gets only a two-count. Booker hits the Bossman Slam and gets onto a two. Cena doesn’t give up, Booker. Come on, bro. Jerry reminds us that Cyber Sunday has been great. It’s been okay. The two men trade close-counts and Show is outside, having a wee lie down. Booker gets Cena in a chin lock. It lasts quite some time. Eventually, he fights back and hits the modified backdrop. JR suggests that the fatigue must be setting in. Cena goes to the top rope – always a bad idea – and hits a splash that Booker avoids. Booker goes for the scissor kick that Cena counters into an FU that is further counters into a DDT. Cena hits the Russian Leg Sweep and another close count. He goes for the STFU but Booker gets the ropes.

Booker hits the eye poke and Cena botches a clothesline. JR calls “The Marine” move an “action-adventure” which might not be true. The pace is so slow that Jerry starts thanking the fans while the match is still going. Show is back in the ring and lifts Cena into an electric chair-style attack as Booker dropkicks Big Show’s face, dropping all three men. Booker attempts to pin Show and is thrown over the ring. Cena and Booker attempt to double suplex Show but he double suplexes them. He throws both men into the corner, charges them, bounces off the ropes and double-clotheslines them both. After a chokeslam to Booker, he spears Cena. My God, this man. This huge, huge man.

Outside, Cena and shoe fight near the announcer’s table. Show gets ready to destroy the table with JR roaring, “We gotta work here!” Cena bounces Show’s head off the table and Cena fights back, bouncing Show’s head off the ringpost twice. Cena goes in the ring and hits some crescendo booking with shoulderbarges, bodyslam-to-Five-Knuckle-Shuffle. Show has the steel chair, but mid Five-Knuckle Shuffle, Cena boots the Show in the face through the chair. Sharmell comes in to hit Cena with the belt but Cena FU’s her. Cena hits the STFU and…

Wait.

What?

Who is…?

It’s fucking K-Fed. Kevin Federline, Britney Spears’ ex-husband, sometime rapper and complete bastard is in the ring and cracking John Felix Anthony Cena on the back of the head!

Straight-up Shoot Fact: This is part of a storyline on RAW where K-Fed wanted to promote his album, Playing with Fire and kept getting into physical altercations with Cena, another white rapper. This would go on until Cena finished the feud with two FUs. Despite the fact that K-Fed is generally portrayed as an arse in real life, he was apparently well-received backstage according to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. According to Mick Foley in an interview with Hobotrashcan.com, “…Federline, shockingly enough, was apparently a pretty good guy. Everybody liked him and was impressed by his attitude.” Big words from the nicest man in wrestling.

K-Fed runs off and Cena jogs after him, gives up, returns to Booker, who cracks him in the face with the belt going for the pin in 21:05.

2016 comments:

It was a Booker vs. Cena match feat. Sharmell, Show and K-Fed.

2006 comments:

Fucking hell, Sharmell can fair and take an FU, wha?

Grade: B

Booker is announced as “The Champion of Champions” as the announcers wonder about K-Fed. Booker carries his Queen out of the arena and K-Fed taunts Cena with the U Can’t C Me hand-wave. JR gives off about him, calling him, Mr. Britney Spears. Then the announcers give him a wee promo on his new album. We see a replay of the events of the match and K-Fed leaves, ending the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were amazing but I have to tell you that I’m giving it to Carlito because he is wonderful.

Woman of the Matches: There was a women’s match but we will speak of it no longer. Queen Sharmell, is the Woman of the Matches because she took a fucking FU.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Queen Sharmell!

Best Spot: Shawn Michaels’ triple superkick on Stan and the other two backstage helpers.

Hatches: Cryme Tyme, Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch with Eric Bischoff, Roddy Piper, Dusty Rhodes and Sgt. Slaughter (Within this particular generation).

Matches: Jeff Hardy retained his WWE Intercontinental Championship; Lita won the WWE Women’s Championship; Ric Flair and Rowdy Roddy Piper won the World Tag Team Championship; and King Booker retained his World Heavyweight Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: I enjoyed it. The gimmick was fun and although none of the matches had that huge storyline feel, they were a good laugh. This entire PPV felt like a house show and that is no bad thing.

On the Card will return on November 26 with the WWE PPV Survivor Series 2006.

 

Ruthless Aggression #6: SummerSlam (August 20, 2006) Part 1

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on August 20, 2006, the PPV SummerSlam 2006 aired. It was a cross-promotional PPV, and the first of its kind since WrestleMania 22 back in April. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

SummerSlam 2006

The Biggest Party of the Summer

It is a wildly generic tagline. The poster is just as bad and shows Trrrrrriple H and Shawn Michaels wearing aprons and chefs hats with very long sausages in prongs (HHH’s sausage is significantly longer than HBK’s). Behind them, all the superstars are badly photoshopped in front of a pool, all smiling and having fun. The thing is this: they must have done a SummerSlam photoshoot because all the pictures are actual images of wrestlers, not, like, their faces Photoshopped onto other people’s bodies (especially because the guy doing the Photoshop is not talented whatsoever) but if they did a photoshoot separately… by not just get everyone together to pose? Why take a dozen pictures and then mush ‘em together? Would the wrestlers be unhappy that, for example, John Cena is front and centre with D-X while the Spirit Squad is a tiny pixel in the background? Weird. Wrestling is weird.

Promo package telling us that SummerSlam has been the biggest party of the summer for 19 years. Then it’s highjacked by DX and shows the DX vs. McMahon rivalry. We see King Booker and his mad wife Sharmell force Batista to kiss his foot, which Drax did not like at all. Cena and Edge are roaring at each other as well. Back at the last Raw PPV, Vengeance on June 25, RVD retained his championship against Edge. A week later, Edge would defeat RVD on Raw and went into SummerSlam the champ. Cena is very unhappy about that.

Overly complicated graphics package to show that SummerSlam is Raw, Smackdown aaaaand ECW. The SS symbol just reminds me of a cool, refreshing drink of summer soda. We are live, however, in Boston, Massachusetts, home of the Founding Fathers, of revolution, of independence and Fallout 4. There are 16,168 in attendance with a reported 541,000 PPV buys! That’s less than last year’s 18,158 in attendance and 650,000 buys, but well done nonetheless. We have a selection of announcers, referees and commentators. To introduce us is Maggle Cole and Cunt JBL for SmackDown! They are joined by Tony Chimel as ring announcer. Raw has the dream team of Jumping Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler with Lilian Garcia as ring announcer. Finally, Screeching Joey Styles and Sunglasses Indoors Tazz with Justin Roberts as ring announcer for ECW. As always, they are joined by the fantastic Spanish announcers, Carlos Cabrera and Hugo Savinovich. That is a startlingly long list of announcers and the Spanish announcers aren’t even introduced! What?

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Rob Conway. Carlito put on one of the best matches in Vengeance back in June and did not deserve this relegation.)

619 music hits and down comes former WWE champeen, Rey Mysterio. He’s facing it up and hands an absolutely astounded young lady his chain. Her face is priceless. I love it when wrasslers do stuff like that. He’s here to fight Chavo Guerrero, who screwed the chance Rey had to defend his championship against Booker T back in the Great American Bash. Vicky Guerrero is not happy about the whole thing, which is fair enough as the link between Rey and Chavo is Eddie, Vicky’s late husband. Cunt JBL calls Rey a “Disgrace”.

Cut to a promo showing Rey and Eddie being best friends. In both their books, they talk about each other a lot, obviously both of them being Luchas and breaking into the notoriously difficult American market when you’re not 6 foot 5 and 250 lbs.

Chavo comes out and we have a promo package for him and Eddie showing the best moments of their relationship. Comedy gold. Eddie looks so ripped in each of the packages. Chavo has come out of retirement for this one match. Rey dives towards Chavo and Little Naitch Charles Robinson rings the bell to start the match.

Chavo Guerrero def. Rey Mysterio via pin in 11:58.

You can almost smell the betrayal in the air as Rey batters on Chavo in the corner. Chavo hits Rey with a great uppercut. Rey does a springboard moonsault, caught by Chavo and Guerrero flies through the ropes. Rey jumps over the top rope and Chavo dodges into the ring, followed by a second suicide dive. Rey is in the corner, kicking Rey’s head, almost removing his mask in the process. Both JBL and Maggle are really making Rey, the babyface, out to be a bastard. You’re supposed to be putting him over, God dammit.

A couple of reversals and Rey gets his head bounced off the turnbuckle. Great backdrop from Chavo followed by an Eddie dance. The crowd boo him and chant, “Eddie! Eddie!” Rey’s mask gets punched off by Chavo! The cameras stay away from Rey’s face as he puts the mask back on. Well done, big man. Chavo goes to the top rope, however, and both men are up there with an embarrassingly ineffective bulldog off the top rope. Rey’s mask is still giving him trouble. Both men are up and Chavo gets a dropkick to the knee followed by Rey hitting a springboard crossbody. Drop tow hold reversal and a “Keep Khali off TV!” sign behind the boys. It quickly disappears.

Rey is back up to the top rope and Chavo goes for a super backdrop again, is reversed into an electric chair to hurricanrana that puts Chavo onto the ropes. Rey hits a wee 619 and Chavo springs about the place. Rey attempts to do a springboard seated senton followed by a hurricanrana and both ment are thrown outside, punching each other like a pair of headcases.

Does comes our girl Vicky, shouting and grabbing at Chavo. We knew this would happen. Those Guerreros are mental. Vicky slaps Chavo, Rey jumps through the ropes onto him. Vicky is telling both men off and Chavo hits a Three Amigos (triple rolling non-release suplex) but Rey escapes before the third one can be completed. Mysterio then hits the Three Amigos… and there are boos from the crowd? What? Rey goes to the top rope, shouts a Vicky for a while and the woman knocks Rey off the top rope. Little Naitch doesn’t get the DQ, however. Chavo hits a brainbuster and frog splash for the win in 11:58.

2016 comments:

I love Eddie and I love Vicky, but this match would have been far better with one than the other. Keep the tributes, keep the references, lose Vicky. I mean, I understand her point in the match and she represents Eddie here, but she was more trouble than what she was worth. If she had interfered by accident and was then removed by Little Naitch and the guys had wrassled for a minute or two more with Chavo getting the win due in part to Vicky’s interference, fine, but it cheapens his win and makes the ten minutes previous to her coming out seem inconsequential even though his best performance was after she arrived on the scene.

2006 comments:

I miss Eddie.

Grade: B

A good start to SummerSlam 2006. Vicky leaves as Chavo looks on, confused. He is wondering why Vicky slapped him. How can she slap?

Cut to Booker T, holding the World Heavyweight Championship close to his chest. I love the King Booker/Queen Sharmell angle. It’s a licence to print comedy. Edge and Lita pop in with her boobs on show. Edge says that as he is the WWE Champ and Lita is the WWE Women’s Champ, they are more powerful than the King and Queen. He then makes a football reference or a baseball reference. I don’t know. I don’t follow sports. Booker makes a friendly wager: If Booker retains and Edge does not, Edge must come to SmackDown! to kiss Booker’s feet. Edge has a counter-wager: If Edge retains and Booker does now, Booker must come to Raw and be Edge’s servant for the night. Bit touchy there, boys, careful with that racial abuse.

Cut to Joey and Tazz bigging up the next match: Big Show vs. Sabu in an Extreme Rules match for the ECW World Championship. In a previous episode of ECW, Big Show arrived to screw up the contract ladder match for both Sabu and RVD. The winner of the ladder match would face Big Show at SummerSlam, but the seven foot fool accidentally helped Sabu win. (Slow trumpet sound as Big Show looks the camera and shrugs theatrically).

Sabu comes out, carrying a chair. He points to the ceiling, throws the chair about. Big Show’s music hits and the man comes out. Very little posturing here. Neither men are that over at SummerSlam as ECW is the C show. This is an Extreme Rules match, however, so no DQs or countouts.

Extreme Rules Match for the ECW World Championship: Big Show (c) def. Sabu via pinfall in 8:55.

Sabu wastes no time in chucking a chair straight at Big Show’s head. Good start, my man. He batters Show with chair shots and follows it up with an Arabian Facebuster but gets a two-count. Show literally chucks him off him and then takes over with big shots to the head and chest of Sabu. Massive bodyslam from Show and Sabu looks like he’s rapping on the ground. Big bear hug from show and Sabu bites Show’s nose, hits a massive lariat, is caught by Show and does a move that neither of the announcers know the name of (it was a fallaway slam). Sabu throws another chair at Big Show’s face followed by a second. He then drops the chair outside the ring like a fool and hits a chair-dropkick to Show’s face but it only gets a two-count.

Sabu pops underneath the ring and pulls out a table, ready for Show to go through… although how he expects a seven foot, five hunnerd pound monster to go through a table is beyond me. He sets it up in the corner, hits Big Show with one bulldog off the turnbuckle and another running bulldog off the chair. Crowd chant for ECW and it isn’t long until both men are up and executing an electric chair drop off the turnbuckle. Big Show goes to Bret’s rope and hits a Vader bomb on Sabu. The steel steps are removed and thrown into the ring by Show. He gets another table from under the ring and takes his time getting in to set up his weird concoction of who stairs bridged by a table. Sabu jumps up and runs to the ropes, steps on the table and makes it slip. He quickly fixes it before jumping at Show and getting a spinebuster for his efforts. Sabu completely no sells it… oh wait, it was a DDT apparently. Another table is set up and Sabu goes for another DDT but gets chokeslammed and Big Show retains his ECW Chapionship by pin in 8:55.

2016 comments:

Garbage. No story, just jumping from spot to spot. Show was the only one who sold anything and that might be because he was genuinely tired. Back in the day, I probably would have loved an Extreme Rules match, but neither guys bled (not that extreme) and there were no spots to write home about. I respect Sabu for his dedication to the art of wrestling, but I hate that he can’t tell a story in the ring. This could have been a match where Sabu pulled out all the shots and hit Show with everything he could and it was either ineffective against the monster or Show’s superior height, weight and strength kept reversing Sabu’s attempts. They could have told a story here. They did not.

2006 comments:

I love Extreme Rules matches!

Grade: D

Big Show is exhausted and slightly bust. Tazz bigs up the match even though it was a sub-par shitshow. The ref is rubbing his head as if to say, “Christ, how are we going to tidy this mess up?” None of the replays are exciting.

On the Card will return on August 27 with the second part of SummerSlam 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #5: The Great American Bash (July 23, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: The quality has dipped with a Finlay match but rose a bit with a Fat Matt Hardy match.

We have a promo showing the Judgment Day shitfest of Khali vs. Taker. Apparently that win means that Undertaker’s 16-year legacy is dismantled. We see Khali ruin everyone around him and then challenge Taker to a… Punjabi Prison match. Because Punjab is an absolute third world hellhole with bamboo as its main export and… oh wait, no, the GDP for Punjab is $47 billion and it has the lowest State Hunger Index in the whole of India. It is also one of the most fertile lands in India and is an area the size of Costa Rica, yet supports almost five times the population of that island. Hmm.

In terms of selling, I suppose they’re doing a great job of making Khali look like a monster, except that any single person who watches a Khali match knows that he is the drizzling shits.

Cuts to Daivari bigging up Show and Khali. Teddy Long is not happy about this nonsense and switches the match up so Big Show is fighting Undertaker instead of Khali. JBL says it’s not fair. The Punjabi prison is “awe-inspiring” according to Maggle. It’s just an octagon within an octagon made out of bamboo. There are reportedly “spikes” of bamboo at the top to stop people escaping. Maggle announces the rules. The interior structure has 4 doors that can be opened by one of four refs. The outer structure has no doors but the only way to win is escape both structures.

Big Show comes out and looks scared. Maggle says Show might cry. Show genuinely looks concerned about this. Unlike a Hell in the Cell or Steel Cage matches, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of potential here for great spots unless some of the bamboo is weakened so that they can be burst through.

The lights fade and Undertaker’s music hits. Big Show noticeably flinches. Great selling on his part. Out comes the man himself from Death Valley, smoke crawling over the damn floor. Brilliant stuff. Of course, Taker takes about half an hour to get to the damn ring anyways, enough time for Show to dry off from his altercation with Taker only minutes ago. Show looks genuinely scared. I wonder if it’s because this is the first match of its kind? He knows he needs to be out there for a while and they can’t fast forward a match if there’s a mistake because the rules are laid out that the only way to win is by escaping, no pinfalls or submissions. There is a table ringside with bamboo weapons. JBL is not happy about this. Lights are back on but the music still hits as Undertaker takes his coat and hat off. Big Show is visibly shaking.

The Undertaker def. The Big Show via escape in 21:35.

Big Show wastes little time in beating on Undertaker as soon as he enters the ring. Taker is caught on the apron between the ring and inner structure. Crowd chant for Undertaker while Big Show beats Taker back and forth until the Deadman begins to strike fast as hell including a slap to Show’s belly. The announcers remind the listeners of the rules to the match. The doors remain open for one minute. That’s a lot of time to escape and neither Taker nor Show are fast enough for that to be a huge threat.

Show throws Taker into the corner. The two men take part in a lot of strike moves. Taker goes to climb over the structure. Big Show runs after him, even though he could easily just walk to one of the doors and say, “Here buddy, go and open that bad boy up for me,” and he could be out before Undertaker even got over. There are weird straps hanging from each of the corners and Show chokes Taker on one.

This is slow, very slow and boring. There is no story here, no threat in this match. Big Show beats on Taker a while. Why? He should be escaping. Taker gets Show onto the apron and the side visibly wilts as he leans against it. Taker batters Show, threatening to knock him through but Show catches him and goes for the chokeslam but Undertaker reverses it into a DDT. Taker asks for the door to be open and Maggle helpfully tells us – about five minutes into the match – that once the one minute timer runs out, that door will be forbidden to open for the rest of the match. But there are four doors… so do they have four chances left?

Show takes a whip down and beats on Undertaker as JBL answers my question: apparently you have a chance with each door and if you fail then you need to go over the top. Show tries to remove the turnbuckle pads and fails. The pair run the ropes and Undertaker jumps, knocking Show down. Undertaker goes for Old School but is, predictably, thrown off the top. Big Show calls for the door to open and laboriously takes his time. Undertaker kicks him in the head and the two men pull at each other for a while. JBL calls this match, “The greatest test,” in Undertaker’s career. The biggest test is, of course, if his career survives this shitfest of a match. Show fails to escape the second door and laments its passing.

More beating in the centre of the ring. I see a theme here. Show exposes the turnbuckle pad and bounces Taker’s head off it. He is bust open and Show headbutts Taker to bust him the hard way. The fans shout, “Big Show sucks!” and, once again, Maggle acknowledges it! It is his sad attempt at getting the heel over, but all it is doing is making Show look like a prick. Shameful. Big Show attempts to climb out of the inner structure. Idiot. Undertaker hits him with a low blow. Big Show is gassed. Taker goes to the top rope with Show and gets him into a superplex position. Slowly, the 800lbs of humanity hits the mat and the crowd chant, “Holy shit!” and both announcers sandbag it by not reacting in any way.

Undertaker is outside, Big Show is inside and, predictably, just escapes through the final door. Big Show sets the chair up and throws Taker into it. All the bamboo weapons have been thrown away. Big Show then chucks Taker back into the ring and the door closes. No doors left! Show is outside! What will Taker do? Show is on the outside cage, Taker is on the inside. Taker quickly scales the wall and steps over the outside one. The pair of them Spider-Man for a while until Taker swings on a rope and kicks Show down. Undertaker then leg drops Show onto one of the other tables. Both men are bleeding from the blading and Show is being beaten by Undertaker mercilessly.

Undertaker climbs the interior cage and Khali arrives to boos. Undertaker jumps from one structure to the other, knocks Show through the side of the prison walls and gets the win in a very long 21:35.

2016 comments:

Awful.

2006 comments:

Worse than awful.

Grade: D

Not worth the 20 minutes, being honest with you. Give it ten minutes and add in some actual psychology. Big Show on his knees, blood on his fists and forehead like some Christ analogy.

Cut to our man King Booker as Sharmell tells him he’s better than Alexander, Napoleon and Julius Caesar. Those three men didn’t have to fight Rey Mysterio. When Booker wins, he, of course, will be King of the World. He roars it a few times.

Cut to moustachioed Maggle and gormless JBL as they attempt to put the shitshow we just watched over. They fail.

Then it’s the bra and panties match… yaaaay. Kristal Marshall comes out and Maggle tries to explain the background to this. Brilliant exploitation match. Down comes Mrs. Undertaker herself, Michaelle McCool, in her teacher getup with ruler and glasses. Then it’s Jillian Hall! She’s the only one wearing trousers. Finally, we have Ashley Massaro, who is the only one who looks like a face. The women are standing in the ring looking as stupid as they feel, wishing this could be over… all except for Ashley, who is $250,000 richer than the others because she was on Diva Search a few years previous.

Ashley Massaro def. Jillian Hall, Kristal Marshall and Michelle McCool via disrobement in 5:17.

It’s the women’s match! The match that we should all be doing something else during because it’s 2006 and women in wrestling weren’t going to become entertaining for another eight years or so. Yet, the Fed, those bastards, confuse all the mysogynists in the audience by making this match one about both boobies and butts! Oh the amount of burst bladders from this confusing combination is sure to be embarrassingly high.

The women look at each other for a while and circle slowly. Then there are some good attempts at spearing and butts are shown. Ashley is the first to have her top off and Kristal shows it to the audience but Ashley knocks her out of the ring. Michelle comes behind her and gives her a brutal backbreaker. Jillian is in behind her, wrenching at Michelle’s clothes, hitting a body slam before going to the top rope. Jillian falls into the tree of woe and her top is removed by Jillian.

JBL asks if there is a time limit. No, but there should be. Michelle hits Jillian with a weak slap. JBL gives off that Maggle calls the women, “great athletes,” with, “who cares if they are great athletes? They’re hot!” Jillian and Kristal are Irish whipped into one another and quickly lose their skirts… but Michelle is wearing a second skirt! The wily minx! The pair then roll about for a bit. Jillian shakes her breasts for a while and gets Kristal into an attempt of a catapult as Ashley removes Kristal’s top, getting the win in 5:17.

2016 comments:

It is depressing that this level of shit was ever in wrestling. Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of smut as much as the next guy, but this carnival-style mud-wrestling crap is pathetic. The women are treated like objects, they are clearly wanting to get kudos in some way and never can. Give them an actual match, teach them how to sell, give them spots. I don’t care if the spots are a bit cheeky and we see their arses, but make it a wrestling match first and a titty fest second. Look at Lita. She’s a great wrestler who shows a bit of boob here and there. She is a wrestler first and a piece of meat second.

2006 comments:

You guys do realise the internet exists, right? It’s got all this stuff and better.

Grade: I refuse to grade this.

Gillian and Ashley shout mid-ring and both women celebrate… by disrobing each other. Awful. Maggle says, “This is what SmackDown’s all about!” Cunty.

On the Card will return on August 13 with the fourth and final part of The Great American Bash 2006.

Ruthless Aggression Era #1. Backlash 2006 (April 30, 2006) Part 2

Previously on On The Card: We had a disappointing start to Backlash 2006 with Carlito getting the win over Chris Masters, Umaga squashing Ric Flair and the Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James match being called short due to injury. Let’s hope the second half fares better…

Lillian introduces the Winner-Takes-All match for Shelton Benjamin’s Intercontinental Champiosnhip belt and Rob Van Dam’s Money in the Bank contract. Shelton comes out, wearing sunglasses indoors like a damn fool. Jerry makes some quip about being pushed around and JR says, “How could he? That’s a hernia waiting to happen.” Brilliant stuff from the iconic pair. RVD’s music hits and we get the biggest pop of the night for Mr. Money in the Bank.

Money in the Bank used to be a WrestleMania ladder match until it was given its own PPV in 2010. RVD won this Money in the Bank championship at WrestleMania 22. He has spraypainted it with a dragon on the side because RVD likes weed, presumably.

Shelton makes the ref take off his glasses for him, the douche. JR and Jerry talk about Dr. Hiney, the evil proctologist and Nurse Slobberknocker. For those of you who don’t remember that – keep it that way. JR replies with, “Was that good television or what?” which probably got him in heat with Vince.

Winner-Takes-All match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship and Money in the Bank Contract: Rob Van Dam (MITB) def. Shelton Benjamin (c) via pinfall in 18:42

ECW chant from the crowd as the bell rings.

Shelton Benjamin cracks RVD in the head and is smug about it. RVD is the clear face here. Arm twist is reversed by Shelton as we flips off the ring ropes. The two men go for a show of strength but give up half way through. The men run the ropes and jump about for a while. Van Dam does some body scissors to pin Benjamin. RVD’s eye is bust from the slap earlier. A lot of slow movement and then a flurry of activity. Benjamin rolls to the outside and a POOP DOGG sign is visible. Brilliant. Snoop Dogg, but, oh you get it.

The men are in the ring together again and Jerry says that the match is still in the “feeling out” stage. JR mentions that RVD is his own man and an individual, unlike, presumably, everyone in Kentucky. Did you hear that, Kentucky? JR just burned you bad. Another jumping spin kick and RVD has Shelton on his back. He rolls out and RVD suicide dives to the outside. Another ECW chant. Unnecessary. RVD is on the apron and Shelton sunset flips over the rope to powerbomb Van Dam to the outside. Pin and two-count.

Shelton beats on RVD’s back with a couple of manoeuvres. Cameramen on the other side of the ring as well. Gosh I miss those lads. Weren’t they great? Really made it seem like a sporting event. JR thanks all the countries in the world. JR mentions that Benjamin does not seem to be in “mistake mode”, which is a mode I wish I could turn off on myself. It would make washing up a lot easier. Benjamin does a mid-rope bronco buster on RVD and another chant rises as the pair enter chinlock city. JR thanks us for inviting him into his life, presumably as he sells us some of his BBQ sauce and tells us his problems. More chinlock city follows.

The RVD has a camel clutch applied to him and JR says that the Iron Sheik is nowhere in sight. Benjamin still focussing on RVD’s lower back and the match has slowed to a crawl, nay, a stop. Van Dam fights back for a while and escapes a T-Bone suplex, moving into Rolling Thunder which Benny-Boy jumps up to catch him and reverses into a Samoan drop. Two-count and RVD finds himself on the turnbuckle getting slaps from Benjamin. Attempt at a superplex and RVD throws him off. Banjamin executes a wonderful vertical leap from the canvas to the top rope to finish his superplex. Still only good for a two-count. Chinlock city again and Benjamin reminds Rob that he is tired. Irish whip but RVD holds onto the ropes as Shelton dropkicks air and lands on his arse. Lots of clotheslines and RVD hulks up, springboarding to knock Benjamin down and finally executes Rolling Thunder but only gets a two-count.

Van Dam bodyslams his opponent, does a few flips and finally goes for the five-star frog slash but Benjamin rolls out of the way, DDT’s Van Dam and another two-count because of a foot on the rope. Two more pin attempts, two more two-counts. Benjamin is frustrated and walks to get the Money in the Bank briefcase. Van Dam fights back and gets hit in the face for this. Shelton does for the lariat off the top turnbuckle and Van Dam reverses it into a pin. Another two-count and Van  Damn gives Shelton the hurricanrana. Benjamin has the briefcase again and RVD takes it off him, tosses it to him and kicks him in the face. Five Star Frog Splash and Van Dam wins the Intercontinental Championship and retains his Money in the Bank contract in 18:42.

2016 comments:

Good match with a lot of pauses. Both men were gassed and without that break in the action, it would have been a great match with some nice spots.

2006 comments:

Man, I hope Benjamin and Van Dam fight forever.

Grade: B

JR tells us that Benjamin ate Van Dam’s briefcase (with some delicious JR BBQ sauce). “My God, athleticism.” Rob Van Dam has a wee walk around the ring for a while. Replays of the finish of the match. JR is still wearing the full suit and some woman in the back has a baby. Another Tony Hawk intro to show Big Shirtless Kane and Horseshoe Moustache Big Show. The promo starts with a replay of recent match where the Spirit Squad defeated Kane and Big Show to become Tag Team Champs. Kane has a flashback and when the two men have a rematch, Kane goes ballistic and they lose the damn match. Kane is looking great at this point in time, he has such a great swagger, looks terrifying. I am a huge Kane mark. I have a soft spot for him unmatched by any wrestler of past or present. Even Mankind, a character and performer who I have the utmost respect for and would quickly name as my favourite wrestler if ever asked, does not hold a candle to Kane in my eyes. I cannot describe or explain my love for him. It might be his power, the image of him with the mask on, his backstory or the fact that Glenn Jacobs just comes across as a genuine, lovely gentleman. I do not know. All I know is that fuck Big Show right now because he is fighting Kane.

To Big Show’s credit, he comes across as the face here. Kane is enraged by the mere mention of May 19th, even turning against Lillian Garcia and Big Show himself. Slow piano music plays as Kane looks more like his brother, the Undertaker, as he grips Big Show’s throat and goes to chokeslam his old tag team partner. Creepy wavy filter of Kane going ballistic and dragging on Big Show’s eye. Backstage, Big Show looks really infuriated about this. It is revealed that the May 19th insanity is because Kane’s new movie, See No Evil is coming about around then. Big Show reveals that he was also in a movie (The Waterboy) and he didn’t act the same way. He seems very upset about this. Big Show states that even if Kane’s goldfish died or puppy ran away, his actions would be unacceptable.

By the ring, Lillian Garcia is announcing from the outside, afraid to get closer in case the Big Red Machine goes ballistic again. Pyro hits and the worst of Kane’s entrance theme hits, the one where the guitar only has a high E string and vocals. A fan in the crowd has a May 19th sign to annoy our man Kane. Big Show’s theme hits and out he comes, storming towards the ring. Big Show looks huge, probably a bit overweight as well, not looking nearly as sweet beside our boy Kane.

Big Show and Kane via no contest in 09:30

Kane hits Show and gets a gorilla press for his trouble. Big slap in the corner from those frying pan-sized hands of the beast. Kane goes for Big Show’s eye and gets told off by the ref. Big Show is taking control and follows the monster outside to chuck him in again. Some of the crowd chant May 19th at Kane and Jerry, the king of being a cunt, claims that it is unsportsmanlike to attack eyes despite the fact he eye-dragged for his entire career. Kane hits Show’s head off the ring post and the two giants hang around for a while. JR says Big Show must be “at least 520 pounds… lose a biscuit or two from that.” At the moment, Show is 450, which means he was 70 pounds heavier than he is now. By Christ.

Kane beats on Show for a while, runs the ropes and hits the big man with a jumping clothesline. JR and King debate the significance of May 19th without giving any definitive answer. JR calls Kane a “perplexing individual” and that his life is “somewhat unique”, which is an understatement. The crowd are dead during the match, to the point where the kids in the background are playing with the Titantron, putting the belt on their heads. Big Show picks up Kane and gives him a great overhead fallaway slam. He calls for the chokeclam and the crowd pop. The chokeslam is countered… or the arm is weakened. No replay to explain. Big leg drop from Show and a two-count.

JR says, “this has not been a pretty match. This has not been a catch-as-catch-can classic.” Another understatement from the man himself. A great high powerslam from Big Show and he looks at the crook of his finger in an attempt to get Kane back for scratching his eye. The lights go red and Kane’s own voice comes through the speakers to remind Kane that “May 19th… it’s happening again, Kane… you can’t stop it.” Big Show is worried as his former friend is beating his head. The crowd is silent. They don’t give a good God damn about this. Big Show leaves and gets a chair from ringside, probably to beat his friends over the head to fix him and by Christ, he does. What a smack. Big Show looks upset as the lights come back on. He leaves and gets big boos. Kane sits up, big old gap-toothed grin on him. The match isn’t called off, doesn’t officially end, no winner is given, it just… segues to Vinny Mac in his Jesus room, walking around.

2016 comments:

My favourite character and my favourite giant-based wrestler make a shitty match together. But not the worst match on the card, sadly.

2006 comments:

I liked it better when he had that mask on.

Grade: D

Vince is walking through his room, psyching himself up like a testosterone-fuelled orange. A cough and Candice appears, wearing a dress that leaves little to the imagination. She complains about the smell and Vince claims it is a new fish-based cleaning product. She says that she has a chest cold and that Vince, being God, can lay his healing hands upon her.

Straight-up shoot fact: Candice was on the cover and nude pictorial in the April 2006 issue of Playboy, which would have come out just before this PPV. It would lead to a “Playboy Pillow Fight” at WrestleMania 22 between her and Torrie Wilson. It was the second to last match on the card, after a Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton and Kurt Angle match and before a John Cena, Triple H match. Yeah. Think about that.

Vince debates this ethical quandary for a second and then, in a gentlemanly manner, places his hands on Candice’s head. She reminds him it is a chest cold and asks him to lower his hands. He places his hands on her shoulders and she asks for lower. He grips her waist, making gravelly nonsense noises and she asks for higher. She starts having convulsions and the pair of them roar in holy orgasmic bliss. Shane comes in to remind Vince that they have a match coming up. Candice flails away on the couch and rolls to the floor, barely missing the glass coffee table.

JR and Jerry do not seem to care for what they saw. Jerry claims Vince “has the power” like some sort of bastard He-Man and JR just asks, “what the hell was that?”

Next week we have the two main events: McMahons vs Shawn and God; Cena vs. HHH vs. Edge. Do not miss it.

On the Card will return on May 14th with the third and final part of Backlash 2006.