Ruthless Aggression #20. Vengeance: Night of Champions (June 24, 2007)

On the Card: Ruthless Aggression #20 Vengeance: Night of Champions – June 24, 2007

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on June 24, 2007, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007 aired. It was a WWE PPV, as WWE had dropped Brand-named PPVs after No Way Out in February. This one was tri-branded and had Raw, Smackdown and ECW matches on the card. It is noticeable for taking place on June 24th, 2007, which was the date that Chris Benoit hung himself after murdering his wife and son. He no-showed this PPV and was replaced by Johnny Nitro in the CM Punk ECW Heavyweight Championship match. I will go into more detail about this horrific crime and the effect it had on the wrestling business as well as myself in the conclusion to this review. For now, I will state that personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next few weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

WWE Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007

Night of Champions

Did it just use its own name as a tagline? My God.

The promo package tells us that everyone wants to win the gold, which is true, and that this PPV has a gimmick where every belt is on the line! Whaaat? I’m sure this has happened before.

Batista and Edge in a Last Chance Match. Yeo. Will Batista win? Probably.

Bobbo Lasher and Mick Foley and Randy Orton and Booker T and John Cena for the WWE Championship. Mentalnuts.

There’s a shot of an altar with… wrought iron? Tentacles? Who knows? We are welcomed into the Toyota Centre in Houston, Texas by Jumpin’ Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler. But first, Justin Roberts introduces Barry Windham and Mike Rotundo! That’s right, old Blackjack Winham and IRS, brothers-in-law and members of the US Express. They won the belts twice in 1985 and held them for a total of 137 days. Not too shabby. Cut to some lovely footage of the lads with Captain Lou Albano.

No time! No time to talk! Old Jeff and Fat Matt Hardy are rocking to the ring, beltless. They lost the belts to Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch on the June 4th RAW, one day after beating the World’s Greatest Tag Team in a ladder match at One Night Stand. Some facts there for you.

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match that featured Super Crazy and Carlito. At least one of them should not have been there.)

Finally, JR and King introduce us to the announce team alongside 15,000 roaring fans in the arena and 247,000 at home (a drop, once again, from the 337,000 the year previous). JR and King represent RAW and… there are other announcers, too, apparently, but we will get to them soon enough. JR states that Cade and Murdoch are opportunistic for taking the belts one day after a big ol’ ladder match. The crowd bay for the Hardys.

Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch (c) vs. Matt and Jeff Hardy.

Champs never come out first but always get first billing. Them’s the rules.

We have nine matches on the card. Almost all of them will be sub-ten-minutes. Fat Matt to start off against Cade. JR gives off about Cade and Murdoch for a while. Despite their match at Judgment Day, Cade and Murdoch are the nasty heels. Cade holds out his hand, shit eating grin upon his face, and Matt takes advantage, making the audience cheer for him. Lovely running of the ropes and Jeff hits a cross-body to knock Cade down. Jeff is in and they botch a leg-drop-senton double team. Murdoch comes in and a botched swinging neckbreaker. Murdoch gets a kick in the face and lovely enziguri before Matt comes in with an axe-handle nothing. Lovely Poetry in Motion and slingshot baseball slide. Matt comes in and both Hardys clean house. Matt and Jeff stand in the ring as Cade and Murdoch say, “fuck it!” and walk off. Hardys roll out and beat on them for being cowards.

Both Cade and Murdoch rock in and Matt takes pity on Murdoch, who begs for his life. Murdoch tags in Cade sneakily and as Matt squares up to Murdoch, Cade Pearl Harbours him. Crowd bay for Jeff and the hot tag is built up. Murdoch’s eye is hurt from an injury at Smackdown, I think. Cade pops in and works on Matt’s left knee. Murdoch comes in and does the same. Matt fights back but Murdoch takes over with a single legged Boston Crab. Matt crawls away to the ropes and fails to reach them. More pressure applied to Matt’s knee. Matt might tap out. Jeff is desperate to get in and Matt kicks Murdoch on the face, runs up the hot tag, Jeff bounces in and botches his way through a clearing of the house.

Cade gets pinned but kicks out. Jeff retaliates, hits a lovely twisting moonsault, fails another pin. Sit-out vertical suplex and Jeff goes to the top rope and twice does Murdoch knock him off. Lovely sit-out spinebuster by Cade and they retain by pin.

Lance Cade has pinned Matt Hardy. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch retain the World Tag Team Championship in 08:55.

2017 comments:

Good opener. Both teams are very good, though have distinctly different styles. Although the Hardys were not as high-speed as they usually are, it was a clean win and both teams go over. Well, it wasn’t totally clean and the champions are obviously cheaters, but that’s that.

2007 comments:

No Swanton? No Twist of Fate? No wonder they lost.

Grade: B.

Matt looks on in horror as Lance and Trevor leave. Trevor has a wee word with the US Express there. Neither look impressed. Matt sits near Jeff as replays the closing moments, including the seemingly botched interruption. The champs say, “All by the rules!”

Cut to Booker and his mental with Sharmell. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Booker – since Wrestlemania 23, in fact. Booker – in an English accent, no less – states all of his championships and gives his Queen a resume that proves that he should be a champion tonight.

Cut to Cowardly Cole and Cunt JBL. They talk about Eddie and JBL talks about his Eddie’s career will be intertwined with his own. Yes, but not because you’re a good wrassler, JBL, but because Eddit accidentally cut himself badly in a fight. We see a match betwixt our boy Eddie and Bork Lensar, who is a shaved gorilla, but otherwise a lovely bloke.

Crowd chant for Eddie as his less-interesting nephew Chavo comes out.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Chavo was one of the gentlemen who Benoit got in contact with regarding his suicide. Chavo had spoken to Benoit on Saturday and Benoit had told Chavo that he loved him, which Chavo later said sounded “off” to him. Chavo was also a recipient of a text from Benoit and his wife’s phone giving their address. Spooky.

Chavo is the Cruiserweight champion… and comes down first, apparently. God dammit, Fed. Is it just me? Am I wrong. No. No, it is the Federation who is wrong.

Cut to Dean Malenko, the man of 1000 holds, which would be interesting, of course, if not for Jericho, who knows one more.

Jimmy Wang Yang turns up, the resident redneck. What a lad. I love this boy. He’s brilliant. He’s a real lad. Look at him, with his moustache and the whole wife-beater-and-jeans thing going on. He’s like Dean Ambrose, only with talent.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship match: Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang.

Referee Charles “Little Naitch” Robinson there as Cole tells us that the first Cruiserweight Champ was Brian Pillman. That was back in WCW, but they don’t tell you that. Jimmy hits a lovely hip toss and a roll-up but fails. Chavo’s father, Chavo Classic was also Cruiserweight Champ. Chavo calls the ref over, takes advantage of the situation and attacks Jimmy before tossing him into the corner. Jimmy takes over, hits a lovely dropkick and an amazing suplex. Pin and fail.

Jimmy does a sweet run up Chavo’s body and backflips. Chavo baseball slides Jimmy on the apron and tosses him back in, going top rope but getting an enziguri from Jimmy to knock him to the outside. Jimmy goes top rope and hits a cross-body. Jimmy rolls Chavo back in and hits the pin but fails. Fantastic hip-toss from Chavo into the corner, by Christ. Nice side-suplex from Chavo and a pin but fail. Chavo gets Jimmy in a hold and he fights back, tosses Chavo, gets reversed, falls, and Chavo hits the senton. Very confident Guerrero. The crowd chant, “We want Wang!”

Jimmy fights back and hits a wonderful backdrop followed by an Atomic drop onto Chavo’s balls. Jimmy hits an odd cartwheel attack, another cross-body from the top rope and almost a pin-fall. Chavo hits the Three Amigos and gets boos. Jimmy escapes, goes for a pin but Chavo has the bottom rope. Chavo rolls out of the way of a moonsault and hits a Gory Special attempt. Roll-up and Chavo kicks out. The crowd boo. Jimmy is lifted onto the turnbuckle, is knocked onto the ground and Chavo hits the frog splash for the win.

Chavo Guerrero has pinned Jimmy Wang Yang and retains the WWE Cruiserweight Championship in 10:16.

2017 comments:

Good old match. Not as flippy as we expect from Jimmy, but he was so over, it didn’t matter.

2007 comments:

Man, fuck Chavo.

Grade: B.

JR uses the Owen Voice to tell us about Vince McMahon’s alleged death by limo explosion.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: This is infamous because the Raw following Vengeance was due to be a tribute to our man Vince, but it was changed, obviously, to a tribute to Benoit before the news was revealed hours later about the truth of Benoit’s actions. At the ECW the following night, Vince took back the Benoit reference and began the long, arduous process of bleaching him from the WWE.

JR introduces a look into Vince’s “mindset”, showing his last moments and the premonition he had about a dark cloud that then was revealed to be his upcoming death. Twice, Vince looks behind himself and then he hesitates before opening the door to his limo, he steps in, steps out and blows up. The footage was made from spliced footage filmed the Sunday before Raw and an outside agency – Zenith Pyrotechnology – was called in to make it look as effective as possible. Crowd sing, “Na na na na! Waaaay, goodbye.”

Then there’s an opinion piece as to who was responsible for Vince dying. Cut to Bobby Lashley being asked if he had anything to do with the death. He says he wishes Vince was alive to see the look on his face when he wins the belt tonight.

Cut to Tazz and Joey Styles wanking off about Tazz being the greatest ECW Champion of all time.

CM Punk comes down. This is a match to determine who should be the ECW Champion. As mentioned, his opponent in this match was going to be Benoit. Punk half-heartedly throws his t-shirt into the crowd.

For some reason, Justin Roberts introduces Johnny Nitro before he enters the Titantron. No Melina or paparazzi or Joey Mercury tonight so it’s clear that Johnny was added as an afterthought. But Melina is actually on the card tonight, so I don’t see why they couldn’t have her walk him to the ring?

Match for the vacant ECW World Championship: CM Punk vs. Johnny Nitro.

Johnny takes the time to get out of the corner as the crowd chant, “We want Benoit!” Gulp.

The two circle one another and Johnny actually checks the chants before CM Punk kicks the shite out of Nitro, who rolls out of the ring, steps on the apron, slaps Punk and is chased about the ring. Punk slaps the face off Nitro and he gets a lovely springboard kick to the head from Nitro. Punk shakes off the cobwebs as Nitro gets him into a rest hold for a bit as they decide on the next spot. Punk fights out, gets a clothesline to the face and then a boot from Nitro.

Lovely armbar. The crowd want Benoit and he shouts, “You got Johnny Nitro!” The announcers discuss the late change and what that means for Johnny in Kayfabe. Backbreaker and another sleeper hold. Punk fights out of it, gives a lovely enziguri to Nitro and both men take their time getting up. Punk takes over, booting Nitro all about the place and attempting a pin. Nitro reverses a knee lift and Nitro gets a pin with his feet on the ropes but the ref sees it. Punk goes for the GTS but Nitro escapes into a sunset flip which Punk refuses to Aloha Arn. A bulldog from Punk and he pops up to the top rope, attempts a springboard which Johnny escapes from. He then hits a swinging elevated neckbreaker and get the pin.

Johnny Nitro has pinned CM Punk to win the ECW World Championship in 8:00.

2017 comments:

Going through the motions. Neither of the men had a chance to put on a great match and you could see Punk was Grumps McGraw in this match.

2007 comments:

Where was Benoit?

Grade: C.

So, it turns out that Punk was going to fail anyways. That’s a kick in the teeth, isn’t it?

Cut to WrestleMania XII where Bret and Shawn squared off in an Iron Man match for the championship. Shawn refused to submit at the end of the match and it continued under Sudden Death, which is a nice way of saying that now it is a normal match, I guess. Shawn got the pin after a Sweet Chin Music.

Cut to Mick Foley in the locker room, wrapping his knuckles. Randy is there and threatens Mick saying that he has ended careers. Mick reminds Randy that he’s an absolute headcase. Randy says that he won the last match they had. He won it. He won that match.

Cut to Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat and his Intercontinental Championship win. He then pops out himself, waves to the crowd and gets more than the US Express earlier.

Out comes the current Intercontinental Champion, Santino Marella, who was apparently just a fan until he beat Umaga in Milan.

Out comes Umaga, who was an absolute murderer until Cena destroyed him. Now he’s back to just being another wrestler. He shouts at the ring steps for being a mean old set of steps.

WWE Intercontinental Championship match: Santino Marella (c) vs. Umaga.

Umaga screams and Santino dodges out of the way of his charge, attempts a roll-up and fails. Santino is on Umaga’s back and the Samoan drops backwards, squashing Marella. Umaga goes for a splash and Santino gets the knees up but no joy. The crowd chant, “Umaga’s gonna kill you!” and the Samoan gets the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Santino. Marella fights back, attempts to run away and he sells his hand being paralysed. Umaga lifts him up, beats him in the corner and after the shortest five count in history, the ref calls for a DQ.

Umaga has been disqualified by failing to move away from the corner after a five count. Santino Marella retains the WWE Intercontinental Championship by default in 02:34.

2017 comments:

Ugh. If you’re going for a short match, make it believable. Have Umaga fight the referee, maybe, toss him, refuse to let go, bloody Santino up. It just looks like Umaga has been unfairly treated. Shit. Who is the heel here?

2007 comments:

This Santino might be the best champion ever.

Grade: C.

Umaga chases the referee, goes top-rope and splashes Santino. Why? He should be mad at the ref. The crowd chant for “U-Mah-Gah!” and he leaves. He’s clearly not a heel. He rolls back in, shots the thumb and hits the Samoan Spike into Marella’s throat. The crowd chant, “One more time!” but he does not hit it one more time. Maria rocks down the ramp and rolls into the ring to look after Santino. Replays of the ref giving a five count and instantly calling DQ. As Daniel Bryan would say, “He has until five, referee.”

Cut to an ad for Summerslam, featuring Jackass.

Cut to Coward Moustache Michael Cole and Cunt JBL as they talk for some time about the limo explosion. Daniel Beck, the lead federal investigator for the incident. He tells us that forensics have confirmed DNA evidence for Vince, the limo driver and another third party, who is a “well-known personality”.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Cunt President Donal Trump legitimately thought that Vince was dead. I would normally take the time to point out how imbecilic this was… if not for the fact that stocks dropped because of the storyline, showing that money doesn’t necessarily equate to common sense.

Reminder that tomorrow is a three-hour celebration of Vince. Eep.

Cut to Magnum TA, former US Champ, who survived a car crash that left him in the wreck for two hours before ambulance arrived. This car crash ended his career and it was feared that damage to his vertebrae would leave him paralysed for life, but he was able to walk again with the aid of a cane.

MVP appears, ready to kick arse in his onesie. Farty pyro fires off. He squares off to Magnum TA who is standing beside Sign Guy, who has a sign that says, “A Horseman vs A Horse’s Ass”. Brilliant. The jerk beside Magnum TA is doing the Cena, “U Can’t C Me” sign.

Big woo as walking leather handbag Ric Flair walks to the ring. His entrance is cut short as MVP dives out of the ring to jaw off to Flair. Flair has been drafted to SmackDown at the grand old age of 58. Oy vey.

WWE United States Championship match: Montel Vontavious Porter (c) vs. Ric Flair.

Bell rings and MVP jaws off to Flair before the two lock up. MVP gets Flair in a corner, shouts shit in his face and the two argue before Flair woos and gives MVP a slap. Flair struts in the centre of the ring, MVP takes his time on the outside before rolling back in. The two bucks shout at each other and taunt. Flair gets cheers and MVP gets booed. Flair gets MVP into a leg lock and there’s a lovely wee rest hold. MVP gets to the ropes and Flair attempts a leg snap. Rake of the eyes and Flair is lifted onto the apron before being booted off. The champ goes out, picks up Flair and hammers his head off the apron. Pin in the ring followed by another and some punches before another pin and rest hold. Flair has bladed.

Flair gets to the ropes to break the hold and MVP stomps him. Flair is in the corner, takes some shots but survives. Some Flair chops and punches before a big back drop from MVP. He checks his chest and zips back up his top. Yeo. Rest hold city over here. A lone fan in the crowd woos. Flair fights back and knocks the champ back. Lovely fireman’s carry into gorilla press and a pin but still no win. The announcers talk about other champs and how they would feel about MVP. Flair hits a jawbreaker and slaps MVP on the ropes. Dodgy botched choke into backdrop and Flair chops away at MVP, runs the ropes and hits the high elbow. Back body drop and Flair is still in control, going for the ten punch in the corner but only getting five before MVP escapes.

MVP goes for another boot in the corner but misses. Flair attacks the knee, struts and attacks the knee again. Figure Four is locked in and MVP is reaching for the ropes before reaching it easily. Flair takes a thumb to the eye, hits the Playmaker for the win.

MVP has pinned Ric Flair and retains the WWE United States Championship in 8:43.

2017 comments:

Nice of them to unwrap Flair and feed him the Lazarus Solution to resurrect him once again.

2007 comments:

Did we really think Flair could ever win?

Grade: C.

Maggle tells us that Flair was in control. We see the ref pull Flair away – not DQing him like they did to Umaga – and MVP leaves, still the champ.

Backstage, Todd Grisham speaks to John Cena, who hits Todd and gives the big thumbs up to the camera. Edge appears and the pair waste time talking about the failed Vince McMahon Whodunnit. Cena tells Edge that he’s too soft to kill Vince. Edge basically implicates himself and the FBI guys appears to ask Edge some serious questions about a death that never actually happens.

By the side of the crowd is Rick Martel and Tony Garea, who were Tag Team champs back in the day. A different tag team, of course, to the World Tag Team Champions earlier… Confused much?

Deuce ‘n Domino come out, all shoo-bopping and doo-wopping with Cherry on her roller blades. I like this gimmick. It’s silly. Deuce lifts up Cherry and walks her three steps. They won the tag team belts from Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Deuce and Domino make fun of Martel and Garea, saying that the place stinks and that they thought the old champs were dead. Stay classy.

Sgt. Slaughter’s music hits and out he rocks, saluting to everyone, pointing and shouting. Then out comes legit murderer, Jimmy Snuka. This is the second match in a row with ancient wrestlers fighting new wrestlers. Cunt JBL talks about calling Ron Simmons and starting up the APA. Cole tries to be his friend. JBL turns him down.

Tag Team Match for the World Tag Team Championship: Deuce ‘n Domino (c) (w/ Cherry) vs. Sgt. Slaughter and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka.

Deuce starts off and Cole tells us that it’s a bit odd that Snuka and Slaughter are tagging together as they feuded back in the day. Botched running of the ropes and jumping as Domino jumps too early and lands on Snuka’s neck. He hits Domino a bunch and tags in Slaughter, who hits a pump-handle gutbuster and snapmare for a pin. Big fail. Slaughter tosses Domino about and gives him a back body drop. Another pin. Another fail.

Slaughter hits the Cobra Clutch and finds the rope pretty quickly. Big elbow shots and Domino takes a big old clothesline. Another Cobra Clutch and Deuce walks back. Deuce hits Slaughter, why he doesn’t tag in is beyond me. Finally, he does and a ref distraction causes the choke from Domino. Domino tags Deuce in.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Deuce is, of course, the son of Jimmy Snuka.

Deuce is beating on Slaughter, looks at his dad, goes to the top rope, hits a taunt on Superfly, does a big splash but fails. Slaughter goes for the tepid tag and the dad whups his son for a while. Snuka pins his son and Domino jumps in to break it up. Slaughter pulls him out and Superfly hits his son with a ribbreaker. He goes to the top rope and Cole fucks up the naming of the splash. Domino fails to knock him off – probably a botch – and Snuka hits the splash, rolls through and Deuce gets the pin.

Deuce has pinned Superfly Jimmy Snuka to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship in 6:34.

2017 comments:

Jesus, boys, at least do a bit of training before getting into the ring.

2007 comments:

Did we really think that Deuce ‘n Domino won by accident?

Grade: C.

The heel champs beat on the losers and Martel and Garea run in to save them. Big cheer as the winners run off. Then Superfly’s music hits as the old men are awkward mid-ring. Replays of the “win” and subsequent beat-down.

Coming up next, it’s the last chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship, Edge vs. Batista. Replays of their last few matches and we’re all very impressed with Edge’s thong.

Cole talks about Harley Race, an eight-time NWA champion and King of the Ring winner.

The champ, Edge comes out first once again. Because why wouldn’t he? Edge lists his belt for the farty pyro. He is called the “Ultimate Opportunist”, which is not really true, is it? If it were, he’d be taking every opportunity he could, including DQing himself in order to retain quickly.

Batista rocks out with his new haircut, hits his gatling gun pyro and strolls to the ring, rocking on his toes. Cole tells us that he asked Batista, “What are you gonna do tonight? It’s your last chance,” which is almost as stupid as when he asked Austin, “Are you ready to enter hell?” back in 2001, the fucking ghoul.

Batista rolls out, chases Edge off and hugs Harley Race. Real babyface.

Edge kisses the belt and the bell is rung.

Last Chance Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Batista cannot wait to get his hands on Edge, going for his legs almost instantly. The pair hammer on each other and Batista hits the pin pretty early on but fails to keep him down. A wee rest hold from the two men and Batista stalks his enemy, constantly holding onto rest holds. Edge fights back and gets the Animal in the corner, but is limping from the damage pretty early on. Lovely Bossman Slam from Batista followed by a pin that fails. Annoying whistling person in the crowd. Batista gets thrown out of the ring and lies there for a while. Edge rocks out, hitting the axe-handle-nothing from the apron. Batista lifts Edge up but he escapes and reverses it into a lovely push into the steel ring post.

Batista reenters the ring and Edge is on him, hammering him on the back of the neck. Edge runs Batista’s shoulder into the steel post and we stand around for a while. Very slow pace here. Batista goes to the apron and gets hit with a baseball slide. Edge hot-dogs and grandstands for the crowd as Batista really sells the baseball slide. Batista rocks back into the ring and he have… armbar city. Both men are either gassed or purposely bringing the pace down. I can’t wee why. Batista hits an arm drag, is thrown – once again – into the corner, shoulder first, and follows it up with a short, sharp tug. Batista falls back, has trouble getting to his feet and does so, fighting back before a drop-toe-hold moves straight into an armbar. Armbar city.

Batista lifts Edge into a fireman’s carry into a Samoan Drop but Edge holds on, holding as tight as he can. Batista battles to his feet, punches Edge, lifts him into the corner and gets a boot to the face for his effort. Batista’s veins are all twisted and gross. Edge drives at Batista, but the Animal hits a murderous clothesline. Ten count starts.

Both men are up and Batista hits a looooovely back body drop. It is beautiful. Batista then hits a swinging Rock Bottom on Edge but fails to hit the pinfall. He sets up the Batista Bomb but Edge escapes and hits the DDT. Edge is amazed that it means nothing. He rocks out, grabs his belt and the ref shouts at him. Roll-up from Batista. Roll-up from Edge. Dominator attempt by Batista, Edge-O-Matic from Edge. Both men are down, both men are up and a spear from Batista knocks the champ down. Edge whups his arm right up to hit the Animal with a low blow.

Edge has disqualified himself by an illegal action. Batista is the winner of this match but Edge still retains World Heavyweight Championship in… 16:50?

Something fucky’s going on here. Same thing happened ten years ago at In Your House 14: Revenge of the ‘Taker with Owen Hart and British Bulldog being illegally pinned by the Legion of Doom.

Teddy Long rocks out and restarts the match. He adds the stipulation that a further DQ will cause Edge to lose his championship. Edge bounces back in and the bell goes despite the fact that Batista is not ready. Edge prepares for the Spear, hits it and almost gets the pin! Almost! Edge runs out, gets a chair, remembers that it will mean he loses and rolls in only for Batista to attempt the Batista Bomb and throw Edge over the top rope. Batista gets thrown into the steel steps and then hits Edge with the Batista Bomb. However, he took so long that Batista gets counted out.

Batista has gotten himself counted out. Edge is the winner of this match and retains World Heavyweight Championship in 16:50.

2017 comments:

Have a screwy ending, only to restart the match… and have another screwy ending. Nice, guys. Very nice.

2007 comments:

Disappointed.

Grade: C.

No good storyline in this match. Batista has lost his chance to win the championship. He’s furious. He picks up the champ and hits a second Batista Bomb, his music plays and he leaves the ring. Batista punches the ring a bunch of times and the replays of his loss play. Distraught, he walks up the tron.

Cut to JR and Jerry, who talk about Fabulous Moolah, the madam. They have a wee laugh and show the original screwjob where Moolah was the “Spider Lady”, completely revising history, the bastards.

Melina appears with her paparazzi, smiling as she rocks down and splits to enter the ring. Bless her, she tries awful hard.

Candice Michelle appears, slapping hands and wearing… a garter belt to hold up her trousers? Weird. So weird.

WWE Women’s Championship: Melina (c) vs. Candice Michelle.

Right, everyone, take a knee. This is the piss break match, I guess.

Melina raises her hand for a test of strength, kicks Candice right between the legs and is thrown into the corner, hitting Melina with a head-scissors submission, moving into a tarantula before being kicked outside. Melina sits on the apron and tries a head scissors of her own, rolls into the ring and attempts a pin. Melina pops Candice into the corner, hits the double knees and gets another head-scissors on her before attempting a takedown. The announcers call Melina a “playboy wannabe”, reducing her to a glamour model. Bow and arrow submission followed by a pin attempt. Melina goes over the top rope and Candice hits a weak powerslam, shakes her hips and hits an elbow. Pin attempt and fail.

Bulldog by Candice and another pin attempt. Melina hits a Neckbreaker and fails again on the pin. Both women run the ropes and Candice wins by a pin after an embarrassing roundhouse kick. Her top also falls down.

Candice Michelle has pinned Melina to win the WWE Women’s Championship in 4:07.

2017 comments:

Embarrassing.

2007 comments:

She’s crying because she knows how shit it is.

Grade: Not a match.

Awful, just awful. Women wrestlers deserve better than this.

Cut to a promo for… WrestleMania? Oh, on DVD. Three discs, or so I’m told. Five hours of extras. Four hours of actual WrassleMania. Cunt Trump gets top billing.

Justin Roberts introduces Cunt JBL, who used to be a WWE Champ. He gets the grip to hand a piece of paper to Roberts and says that he must read from the paper, exactly. It wanks JBL off for a while. Fuck JBL.

Promo for the Five-Pack Challenge, which JR says is… “So unique.” It’s not. We see Mick, Booker, Cena, Randy and Bobbo Lasher as champions as they say what it means to be a champion. The five men tell the camera who they are. We see their “best moments”, which involves mostly Mankind.

Justin Roberts describes the chaos that will unfold: all five men will fight and the first to get a pinfall or submission will win. No eliminations.

Bobbo Lasher comes out first with his golden shower.

Micker Foley comes out next, facing it up.

Booker comes out with Queen Sharmell, the best queen. He has an odd animal fur cloak on. Weird dude. JR calls Sharmell beautiful. She is, she’s great looking. Long bloody entrance, mind.

Then Randy comes down with his great entrance theme tune, taking half an hour to get to the ring, jogging for a bit like the smelly jobber that he is. He hits the legend killer pose mid-ring and that’s him.

Cena keeps us waiting, you know, all four men await him and the crowd goes ballistic the second that his music hits.

Five-Pack Challenge for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Mick Foley vs. King Booker (with Queen Sharmell) vs. Randy Orton.

All five lads are in the ring, finally, and the match begins. Booker leaves and Sharmell gives him a lovely massage. Cena bops Randy, who gets a back-body drop from Lasher and is tossed over the rope by Mick. Booker comes in, tosses Cena out and hammers Lasher. Lashley hits a thunderous clothesline and tosses him out, hitting a very dangerous looking suicide dive onto all four men, picks up Booker and rolls him back in. Mid-ring, Lasher hits the Rack Attack and Cena breaks up the pin to big boos. Both big men face off and trade punches mid-ring. Lasher hits a great spinebuster and both men roll to the outside. Cena takes a bomp to the head from the steel steps and Lasher begins to prepare an announcer’s table for a bump.

Randy and Foley interrupts it as Booker and Foley fight by ringside. All the other men have a wee lie down, waiting for their own personal spot. Foley takes a real bad looking steel ring step bump and it’s Randy and Lasher’s turn to fight. Lasher counters an RKO, walks straight into an FU and is clobbered through the ECW announce table. Booker and Cena have a scrap in the ring mit Flair chops. Booker cracks Cena in the face with a boot and some lovely knees and Irish whip. Cena fights back and clobbers Booker before taking a Scissors kick to the back of the neck. Randy breaks up the pin and gets a punch to the face before Cena – no selling the Scissors kick – knocks him out, hits the sit-out powerbomb, attempts a Five Knuckle Shuffle but eats an RKO. Randy attempts the pin and Foley breaks it up, cracking Orton with elbows and a knee to the head before turning on Booker for a boot and hitting the double underhook DDT.

Foley whups Mr. Socko out of his jocks, eats a superkick from Booker and both he and Randy fall with a double clothesline. Foley throws the sock into the crowd and takes a steel chair into the ring. Cactus bops Bobby with the chair followed by Booker. Cena gets to his feet and eats a chair before Randy stops the carnage. The Viper stalks Foley, gives him the punt kick. And Cena gets ready for the FU with Booker, tosses him out and hits Mick with one instead for the pin.

John Cena has pinned Mick Foley to retain the WWE Championship in 18:08.

2017 comments:

Spotfest, but a fun spotfest.

2007 comments:

Mick was in it. Match of the Year.

Grade: A.

The DVD I was watching had the match at maybe 10 minutes, they must have cut out some rest holds. Cena celebrates and the WWE moves into a new and terrifying era.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but I’d say the final match was fast-paced and fun and put the onus on John Cena’s shoulders.

Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Sharmell? I choose Sharmell.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: John Cena

Best Spot: The parade of specials at the end of the Five-pack challenge.

Hatches: Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

Matches: Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch retain their World Tag Team Championship; Chavo Guerrero retains his WWE Cruiserweight Championship; Santino Marella retains his WWE Intercontinental Championship; Montel Vontavious Porter retains his WWE United States Championship; Deuce ‘n Domino retain their WWE Tag Team Championship; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; Candice Michelle has the only title change of the evening, winning the WWE Women’s Championship from Melina for her first reign; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: We say goodbye to everyone: Batista, Bobby Lashley, Booker T, Candice Michelle, Carlito, Chavo Guerrero, Cherry, CM Punk, Deuce, Domino, Edge, Jeff and Matt Hardy, Jimmy Superfly Snuka, Jimmy Wang Yang, John Cena, Johnny Nitro, Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch, Mick Foley, Melina, MVP, Randy Orton, Ric Flair, Santino Marella, Sgt. Slaughter, Sharmell, Super Crazy and Umaga.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. I have done another one today because this is the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression section of this blog. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV (since WrestleMania 23). Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV – WrassleMania 23. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels (Summerslam 06), [REDACTED] Benoit (Survivor Series ’06), Joey Mercury (Royal Rumble 07), Stone Cold Steve Austin (WrestleMania 23).

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge and Shawn Michaels (Backlash 07), CM Punk and Elijah (Judgment Day 07), Batista and Edge (One Night Stand 07), John Cena (Vengeance: Night of Champions 07).

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… CM Punk and Elijah Burke!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell (Summerslam 06), Trish Stratus (Survivor Series 06), Victoria (Royal Rumble 07), N/A (WrestleMania 23).

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Mickie James (Backlash 07), N/A (Judgement Day 07), N/A (One Night Stand 07), Queen Sharmell (Vengeance: Night of Champions

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Mickie James because Queen Sharmell cannot win twice!

In Memoriam

Each WrestleMania (and the final PPV in this case), I will go through the people who we have seen wrassle and lament for their passing. This list is a bit shorter due to the fact that the shows have been so recent.

  • Andrew James Robert Patrick Martin AKA Test, March 17 1975 – March 13 2009; accidental overdose of oxycodone.
  • Christopher Michael Benoit, May 21 1967 – June 29 2009; hanging.
  • Edward Smith Fatu AKA Umaga, March 28 1973 – December 4 2009; heart attack caused by acute toxicity.
  • Harry Fujiwara AKA Mr. Fuji, May 4 1934 – August 28 2016; old age. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by Don “The Rock” Muraco.
  • James Reiher Snuka AKA Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, May 18 1943 – January 15 2017; unidentified terminal illness. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 1996 by Don Muraco, though his profile is no longer available due to his alleged murder of Nancy Argentino in 1983.
  • Jonathan “Jon” Rechner AKA Balls Mahoney, April 11 1972 – April 12 2016; heart attack.
  • Lance Kurtis McNaught AKA Lance Cade, March 2 1981 – August 13 2010; heart failure caused by intoxication from mixed drugs.
  • Nelson Lee Frazier Jr AKA Viscera AKA Mabel AKA Big Daddy V, February 14 1971 – February 18 2014; heart attack.
  • Roderick George Toombs AKA Rowdy Roddy Piper, April 17 1954 – July 31 2015; cardiopulmonary arrest caused by hypertension. Inducted into the Hall of Fame by Ric Flair in 2005.
  • Virgil Riley Runnels Jr AKA Dusty Rhodes, October 12 1945 – June 11 2015; a bad fall. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2007 by his sons, Cody (Stardust) and Dustin (Goldust).

Closing Statements: I think that it’s only fair that I explain why I have decided to end this section of the blog at this PPV and it will come as no surprise that it is because of Chris Benoit. At the time of his death, professional wrestling had been an interest that had dwindled for me to a once-a-month event, more frequently if a match on Raw or Smackdown was highly gimmicked or was heard to be amazing. The only thing keeping me watching was – as I’m sure other fans were – the anticipation that if I stopped watching, I would somehow miss something amazing. Chris Benoit’s murder/suicide (although completely unrelated to storyline professional wrestling) stopped me watching for a while. As the details about the weekend of murders came to light, I realised that I could not watch a sport that allowed its employees to take such a punishment that would cause them to have brains in such disrepair that they could be brought to kill their son and wife. I still sometimes feel conflicted about it. The WWE, in fairness to them, took precautions to ensure that their employees are healthier today than they were back then. I feel that the wrestling now is better than it was in 2007 and even during the Attitude Era. Now, the wrestling is the best in the world and that is because the wrestlers are healthier and not taking chair shots every night. It’s a shame three people had to die for that to happen.

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Ruthless Aggression #19. One Night Stand (June 3, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Fucking pudding, man.

The cage begins to slowly lower. Ominous music plays. Maggle introduces the match and Cunt JBL is a cunt for a while.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: At the time of writing, #FireJBL is trending on Twitter. Close followers of this blog will know that I am not a Cunt JBL fan and news that Mauro Ranallo (a far superior announcer to anyone else on the current WWE announcing team outside of Austin Aries and Corey Graves) is leaving due to a bout of depression brought on by bullying from Cunt JBL (Ranallo is bipolar as well) is heartening and tragic. Heartening because fans are finally moving away from the strange, sophomoric and archaic culture that wrestling has had over the past century – mean ribs, hazing, backstage bullying etc. – and tragic that WWE will obviously want to save face over this and likely keep Cunt JBL and hope that the story dies down. However, the light at the end of the tunnel is that WWE has its “Be A Star” anti-bullying initiative and this may force their hand. Unfortunately, this may only involve Cunt JBL leaving the announcing team (which is fantastic in and of itself) and he may continue to work in a backstage capacity, which is keeping him close and on the payroll but removing him from the spotlight. WWE might want to do this because Cunt JBL is a cunt and will likely go straight to the rrrrragsheets, brother, and sell stories from backstage to the highest bidder. Stories have been uncovered (or should I say REuncovered as many of them were known well before now especially by fans of the politics of wrestling) of Cunt JBL’s backstage bullying – homophobia regarding Chris Kanyon, soaping Edge’s arse in the shower, wrestler’s court etc. – and now a bigger audience is privy to the backstage culture that all wrestling, not just the WWE, needs to get away from. Phew.

So the fuckin’ cage is still coming down, I guess. Edge is a heel and Batista is face. They had a bad match last time, hopefully this will be better.

Cut to a promo where we see Edge beating Kennedy and cashing in the Money in the Bank to defeat Undertaker and take his championship. Teddy Long tells him that he will defend the belt against the winner of a #1 Contender Match. The winner is our boy Batista and his grumpy face. Edge slags Batista for losing at Judgement Day.

Back in the arena, we are told the rules of the steel cage match. We all know it.

Edge’s music – fuck sake, Fed – plays and the champion comes out first with farty pyro and a lovely shot of a Gilette car. Gots to get those sponsors in, huh? He stands in the ring.

Batista’s music hits and out comes Grumps McGraw himself, doesn’t go to either side like he usually does, instead he walks down, does his gatling gun pyro, looks at the steel cage for a wee while, and walks in. Cunt JBL and Maggle consider that Batista’s leg might not be as injured as it was on Judgment Day. Both men square off and the bell rings.

Steel Cage match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Edge just sprints right for the door as soon as the bell rings. Batista has him, drags him away and tosses him into the corner. Edge takes the time to climb up but is pulled off the wall by Batista. Edge takes an Irish Whip into the corner followed by an elbow. A second Irish Whip and Edge uses the momentum to scale the cage and gets on top of the turnbuckle as Edge falls back and rolls onto the apron. Camel Clutch in the middle of the ring, break back, make humble. The crowd bay for Batista. He actually covers Edge mid-ring. You can win a cage match by pinfall or submission but I have rarely seen it outside of a two-out-of-three-falls match or an elimination match. Edge climbs again and Batista removes him from the side of the cage like a spider being swept down a plughole. Lovely suplex from Batista. Another pin. Fail.

Batista finally attempts to climb the cage and it is Edge who takes him down with a dropkick to the knee. Batista falls, stalls on selling, oversells and gets a spear to the gut. Edge hits a lovely baseball slide. Pin attempt and Edge does not win.

Edge crawls to the door, attempts to escape but Batista drags him back in, literally. Edge fights back, goes to the turnbuckle, removes the ring rope padding and attempts to drive Batista’s skull into the steel. Batista lifts Edge, who escapes and hits the Edge-O-Matic. Edge crawls to the corner, gets to the tippy-top and Batista grabs him, gives him some lovely punches and a great superplex into the middle of the ring. Pin attempt and Edge kicks out. Batista starts to climb up not and the crowd go bananas as he gets to the edge and Edge himself is up, fighting back. Batista tosses Edge off, goes – stupidly – for the top-rope-nothing and Edge hits a missile dropkick. The crowd chants, “Bah-tee-stah!”

Both men run at each other, going for the spear/shoulder block. Cunt JBL considers the difference between being hurt and injured. Batista is up, ramming Edge into the cage wall and follows it up with a clothesline. Kick to the face from Edge and Batista hits the spinning Bossman Slam. Fair play. Pin attempt and fail. Edge attempts a dropkick but Batista swats it away. Catapult into the cage followed by a roll-up and Edge is still in it. Batista tosses Edge back into the cage wall and Edge is bust open. Batista is finally thrown into the exposed turnbuckle and a Spear to a very, very close pin attempt. Maggle asks, “Can you believe the punishment these two men have endeared?”

Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge jumps off, exposing his black thong as he does so. Edge falls onto the cage wall, crawls halfway over and Batista is up, dragging him back in, over the lip. Edge hits two low blows and Batista falls onto the ropes, wishboning himself. Edge climbs over but Batista is crawling for the door. Batista’s hands are on the floor when Edge plummets to the ground.

Edge has escaped from the cage, retaining his World Heavyweight Championship in 15:39.

2017 comments:

Actually a really good match. I didn’t expect it to be. The beginning was okay and the end was quite nice but the middle bit was the best wrestling I’ve seen in a while.

2007 comments:

Edge wears a thong, I guess.

Grade: A.

Edge escapes, “cowardly as ever,” says Maggle Cole.

Batista has a wee huff.

Cut to outside the arena where JR asks, “can we endure this extremeness one night a year?” Yes. Yes we can.

Promo for the drizzling shits that is our main event – Cena and Khali. Reminder of their awful match at Judgment Day, a match that Cena tried his hardest at but Khali shit the bed as usual. Khali tapped out and – lo and behold – he says about his leg being under the rope, something that I mentioned last month. The cheeky rascal. Cena wants a rematch, though, for some reason, and it’s a falls-count-anywhere match. Khali and Cena stood off at Saturday Night’s Main Event where Khali beat Cena. So they have traded wins.

Justin Roberts tells us that this match can only be won by pinfall, but the pinfall can be anywhere in the building. So that means they can’t pin each other in the parking lot, I guess. Khali comes down and his music is shit and no one cares. The announcers attempt to put his height over. They put over the fact that he has never been pinned and that is the only way to win this.

Then John Cena comes out and the building loses its shit. He’s a great lad, isn’t he? Justin Roberts rocks his, “Jeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaahn Ceeeeee-naaaaaaaaaah,” line as the doctor of thuganomics stares at the challenger and does not take his eyes off him even as he throws his hands up for the end of the first verse.

Falls Count Anywhere match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.

Good thing the champ came out second here. Cena circles Khali and gets a boot in on him. He purposely keeps himself lower so that Khali looks far taller. Khali catches Cena’s leg and knocks him down, follows him around the ring, raining attacks down on him. Kids chant for Cena. The volume is raised. JR says that Khali has a “setlist of moves,” which is akin to saying that Cunt JBL has “a range of emotions.” Khali puts all his weight on Cena’s head. Big boot and down goes our man Face Cena. Khali boots on Cena’s head for a while. What a main event. Super Cena jumps up for the next spot as Khali boots him in the head. Again.

Khali lifts Cena up for the bodyslam and holds him there for a decent amount of time. Khali attempts the leg drop and Cena rolls away. Despite this being a falls-count-anywhere match, they have stayed mid-ring. Cena hits the sunset-flip-stunner and goes top rope for some reason. Khali punches Cena and then shoves him off the turnbuckle, something which Cena did not seem to realise was going to happen. Khali puts one boot on Cena’s chest for the pin. Cena kicks out and Khali throws him on an announcer’s desk. Khali calls for the chop but Cena blocks it, catches it and is tossed over the guardrail into the crowd. Oh, so here is the “anywhere” part of the “falls count anywhere” stipulation. Khali tosses Cena into the sound desk and Cena cracks him with a monitor. He builds up steam and attempts the FU but fails.

We know that the FU is coming, we just don’t know when… or where!

The pair fight towards the titantron with a lovely red wash on them both. Cena is crawling away from Khali slowly. Khali is jawing off to the crowd. Cena hits Khali with the camera arm and goes for the cover but Cena kicks out. Cena, once again, goes for the FU but cannot get it. There is a truck backstage and Khali tosses Cena on it easily. It’s a crane truck thing. Khali climbs up and shouts at the crowd. The crane camera is all twisted. Cena escapes a chokeslam, lifts Khali and tosses him off the crane for the FU and the pin.

John Cena has pinned The Great Khali to retain his WWE Championship in 10:30.

2017 comments:

Needed to be more choreographed. Khali is not good enough to do anything less than total choreography.

2007 comments:

I hope this is the last Khali match.

Grade: C.

Not as bad as I feared, but still pretty bad. Cena rocks back to the ring to hot dog and grand stand.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No big stand-out winners but Batista and Edge had a great match, much better than I had expected it to be.

Woman of the Matches: Am I to choose between Melina, Candice Michelle and Maria for the pudding match? No.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Batista and Edge.

Best Spot: Rolling Thunder to snap powerslam from Randy and RVD.

Hatches: Santino Marella!

Matches: The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Bobby Lashley finally legitimately regains his ECW World Championship for the 2nd time; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: Last time we said goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit but it appears that his final PPV appearance was actually as a lumberjack, though that doesn’t count as he did fuck all. For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to Charlie Haas, Chris Masters, Elijah Burke, Kane, Marcus Cor Von, Mark Henry, Matt Striker, Rob Van Dam, Shane McMahon, Shelton Benjamin, The Great Khali, The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Vince McMahon and the other Lumberjacks: Val Venis, Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, The Miz, Kevin Vampire Dude Thorn and Kenny Dykstra.

Closing Statements: I thought it was going to be the worst thing because they were still appropriating the ECW name but making it WWE, but it wasn’t that bad. It really wasn’t.

On the Card will return on June 24 2017 with the final PPV in the Ruthless Aggression blog, Vengeance: Night of Champions 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #18. Judgment Day (May 20, 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: CM Punk and Elijah Burke show everyone else up.

Backstage, it’s Kirstal interviewing the Rated-R Superstar, Edge. He taunts Kristal, lists off his achievements, slags our boy Batista and leaves Kristal with a foul look upon her mug.

Cut to the ring and Randy Orton arrives with his brilliant music, lack of golden shower on the ramp and the crowd – despite it being his hometown – couldn’t give a damn. He hits his legend killer pose mid-ring and gets no golden showers. Big boos. He speaks to the announcers and it is revealed that the winner, by forfeit is-

OH SNAP SHAWN MICHAELS MUSIC HITS.

Down he comes to the ring after some time. He’s stumbling. He looks in a bad way. Jaysus, Shawn, have you been on those funny pills again? He’s just a woozy boy, wooooozy boooooy. The ref is telling Shawn that he doesn’t have to do it! But he’s doing it. The bell rings.

Singles Match: Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels.

Randy hits Shawn right in the head. First second, first shot, knocks the sexy boy on his arse. Randy hits the hanging DDT. JR really sells it. “For the love of God!”

Randy attempts a pin attempt and fails. Randy kicks Shawn in the old head a handful of times. Orton lifts Michaels for the RKO, but HBK can’t stand on his own and topples. He lifts Shawn up onto the turnbuckle, attempts to super-RKO him, pushes Randy to the floor, goes for the elbow and hits it. Shawn is still wobbly, though. How Randy is able to not just kick the shite from this boy is beyond me. Shawn stomps his feet. The crowd count along as he tunes up the band but topples before Orton can take the shot. Randy looks over him, confused and saddened by the legend’s condition. The ref ends the match.

The match had to be cancelled due to referee stoppage. Randy Orton wins the match by default in 4:32.

2017 comments:

I see the point in a storyline match like this. It makes Shawn look amazing and Randy look like a real piece of shit. But at least put on a show of some sort, like have Shawn maybe fight for a bit, gather himself and take an unlucky spill before failing the Sweet Chin Music. Otherwise it just looks sloppy and sad.

2007 comments:

No Kayfabe, Shawn is really hurt. Legit.

Grade: Not a match.

Big boos from the crowd. A little cheer when Orton is told he is the winner. His music pops for a second, Orton looks over his opponent. The crowd bays for an RKO and when Michaels gets to his feet, he gives him one. Rebecca, Shawn Michael’s wife, slides into the ring to cradle her husband’s head. JR calls Orton a bastard. Probably the highlight of the match, if I’m being honest. Crowd cheer for HBK and Rebecca chews the scenery with her caterwauling. Orton has become Conan. He now hears the lamentations of his enemy’s women. HBK is popped onto a stretcher and no one believes that he is truly hurt, obviously. Waste of airtime.

Replay of Shawn getting hit by Orton earlier in the night followed by all the head shots in the match and Michael’s eventual collapse after attempting the Sweet Chin Music.

Backstage, it’s Khali. No one gives a fuck. His interpreter asks a question and Khali answers. The crowd asks, “What?” constantly. The interpreter translates Khali’s gibberish. That’s disrespectful of me, I suppose, he could be speaking Punjabi.

Hardy’s music hits and out the two headcases come, dancing like the fucking Bushwhackers.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch rock out with their generic country music playing. JBL jabbers on for a while, the big idiot.

World Tag Team Championship Match: The Hardy Boys (c) vs. Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch.

Why are the champions out first? For real, guys, c’mon.

Fat Matt starts off versus Lance Cade. Lovely tie-up in the corner and hip toss followed by both men slapping hands mid-ring. JBL talks about himself, saying that the APA were equal to the Hardys. Noooooooope.

Cade has Matt in an armlock and it is reversed pretty quickly. Cade tosses Matt, lovely Irish Whip combo and Murdoch rocks in with his big old sideburns. He does little and is tagged out. Cade takes a forearm to the head, Jeff rocks in and almost instantly botches a kick. Murdoch is in and Jeff claps to get the crowd going. Lock-up mid ring and a lovely wristlock combination before Murdoch hits back with a hip toss. Hand slap mid-ring and a wee headlock to Irish whip to hip toss. In comes Fat Matt and a Poetry in Motion. Matt works on the left arm of Murdoch for a bit, bopping Murdoch on the back of the neck with a lovely Bret’s rope elbow. Cade is tagged in sneakily and gives Matt a punch to the face.

JBL talks about himself some more, saying Cade reminds him of a young Bradshaw. No. Cade already looks like less of a cunt and is certainly in better shape than JBL ever was. Murdoch rocks in and attempts a turnbuckle splash but Matt reverses. JBL is pissed, “Just when I start putting him over…”

Jeff rocks in and cleans the house, attempts a pin and fails because he hasn’t hit his Swanton yet. Lovely twisting moonsault in the corner and Matt pops in, sending the challengers out. They both consider leaving and the Ref starts a ten count. It gets to seven and Murdoch pops back in, starts making demands to the Hardys. JBL talks about the APA some more. Jeff attempts a flip over the top rope, Murdoch side-steps it and rolls Jeff back in for the pin. Cade is in and beats on Jeff for a while. It’s building up to the hot tag and it’s Jeff’s turn to be a punching bag. Lovely double-team atomic leg drop from the challengers. Jeff escapes a headlock but gets a kick to the face for his effort.

Lovely Irish Whip double team. Pin attempt. Cade tags in Murdoch. Murdoch hits a lovely sunset flip and Matt jumps in to break the pin. Jeff hits the jawbreaker and Matt is building to the hot tag but Murdoch gets there first. Matt is in, though, and he’s leaning house, hitting a bulldog-clothesline on both challengers. Side Effect and pin attempt. Matt tosses Murdoch out but Cade hits a sit-out spinebuster. Matt escapes the pin and fights back with a lovely Twist of Fate. Jeff is tagged in, hits the Swanton, gets the pin.

Jeff Hardy has pinned Lance Cade. The Hardy Boys retain the World Tag Team Championship in 15:02.

2017 comments:

Very good match. Paint-by-numbers match, but a good one. Hardys are damned fine entertainers and Cade and Murdoch are pretty steady.

2007 comments:

No ladders.

Grade: B.

Jeff holds out his hand to the challengers and Matt does the same. Hands are shaken. No faces, no heels, just good wrasslin’. I love that. Some lovely replays where JBL talks about himself.

Back to JR who reminds us that there was a Shawn Michaels match earlier. He’s on his way to the hospital.

The announcer tells us to watch the ‘Tron where the following video is courtesy of Edge. We see him winning the Money in the Bank from Mr. Kennedy. We see him cash it in on The Undertaker. We see him win the World Heavyweight Championship. Then there’s a montage of his best moments. Batista comes out in a suit, does the Cunt Trump handshake and there’s lots of shots of Edge and Batista kicking arse.

Christ a-mighty. Once again, Edge comes out first. He’s the fucking champion! They should never come out first! It’s 2007, boys, c’mon. Big pyro for the Rated-R Superstar but it like ashes in my mouth. Never should the champ walk out first. It doesn’t matter how big a pop the challenger gets. For shame.

JBL cunts it up on commentary. Cole fights back.

There’s enough time passing before our boy Batista comes out to a murderous pop. He runs to one side, he runs to t’other, he jogs on the spot, spins and hits his pyro. Edge dives out of the ring as Batista enters, slaps his chest and flexes for the crowd. He makes sure that he hits all four corners, Austin-style, but with a bit more showboating than Stone Cold ever had.

Edge has a bit of a bruise on his right collarbone. The ref tells the wrestlers the rules. Batista snatches for the belt. Edge holds it close.

World Heavyweight Championship Match: Edge (c) vs. Batista.

Batista has a wee cough as he chases Edge about the ring. Batista has a bandaged leg and JBL bigs it up. Neither men has an advantage just now. They lock up and Batista easily lifts Edge onto the corner turnbuckle. Fear lives in his eyes. Terror. Surprise. Yet he dives towards Batista and is knocked down. Batista batters Edge’s head off three of the corners, beats on him, Irish whips and knocks him down with a high elbow. Edge fights back and is tossed to the outside.

Batista slowly, laboriously leaves the ring, lifts Edge up and tosses him into the steel steps, knee first. Edge rolls in and out to break up the ten count. No idea why. Keep Batista outside. Make him lose by countout. C’mon. It’s not rocket science. Batista goes to his knees, gets a shoulder into the corner by Edge, time is really slowing down for these men. Batista’s limitations are showing here. Cole wonders what fans around the world think about Edge’s antics. Cunt JBL shills himself some more.

Overly vocal ref asks for Batista to give up and tap out during a bad armlock. Both men are super sweaty just now. Batista fights out of the lock and the Animal has Edge in the corner, setting him up for a superplex. Batista falls backwards like a big child and Edge goes for an axe handle nothing that ends in a clothesline. Both men bore the crowd by exchanging punches. Big back body drop from Batista and he follows it up with a lovely sidewalk slam. Edge escapes a body slow and there is a pin attempt… for a body slam reversal. Good god. Why ware these guys so tired? Edge goes for the spear but Batista hits the spear instead. Pin attempt and fail.

Edge escapes an Irish whip but gets a Dominator for his effort. He goes for the Batista Bomb, Edge escapes and gives Edge a spinebuster but wins via roll-up.

Edge has pinned Batista to retain the World Heavyweight Championship in 10:37.

2017 comments:

Real let down. No memorable spots, both men were gassed seconds in.

2007 comments:

Is that it over?

Grade: C.

Not a good match from either men. I expect better.

Ad for Ozzy, who sings the theme song.

Tony Chimel fucks up his intro by saying, “The following is, uh, a… match. Two out of three falls.” He explains the rules, even though it’s a two-out-of-three falls match. It’s very obvious what the rules are.

My boy MVP appears from his inflatable house, hitting big pyro and rocking to the ring like an absolute thug. Cunt JBL says that MVP has joined, “this Federation… Federation brand. I’m still getting over that Divas section.”

There was no Divas section on the DVD I watched. According to other blogs, however, there was a bit with Kristal asking the Divas to choose a winner between Khali and Cena. I’m sorry I missed it.

Out comes the Rabid Wolverine, [REDACTED] Benoit, who is, at this point, only a month and two days away from being a murderer. He looks huge and scary because he is huge and scary.

Two-out-of-three falls match for the WWE United States Championship: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) vs. MVP.

Good. The champ comes out last. This is nice.

Lovely long lock-up that ends with both men rolling out, staring at each other, rolling in and sharing some slaps. Lovely arm drags and hip tosses from Benoit. He tries to lock on the crossface and MVP gets to the ropes. Crowd are dead. It’s a shame because this match is far superior, already, the Edge/Batista match, but it’s the piss-break match before the main event, so the crowd can’t be bothered. The announcers big up MVP and fair play because he’s actually fantastic. Benoit gets a lovely arm lock on MVP and he gets to the ropes to break the hold. Great chest shops and Benoit goes flying. MVP works Benoit’s knee and we’re constantly told that it is sore.

Sadly, JBL calls Benoit a “hall of fame guy”. That is not so and it breaks my heart. MVP beats on Benoit in the corner and he fights back with some swift chops before hitting the triple Germans. The last one is a bit dodgy and MVP pops to his feet. Benoit hits the crossface but MVP gets to the ropes just in time. Very good. MVP boots Benoit for that. Ohhhh, he’s ticked. Benoit dodges a kick and Benoit attempts the Sharpshooter. MVP breaks the hold with the rope again. Benoit hits an enziguri and Little Naitch gives off to MVP. Benoit goes for the Electric Chair but MVP counters it to a Playmaker and gets the pin.

MVP has pinned Benoit to gain one pinfall. The score is currently:

MVP… 1

Benoit… 0

The crowd boo. They’re not happy at all. Replay of the Playmaker as the men take the “traditional 60 second rest period between falls.” I don’t think that it’s a tradition. I rarely see it happen.

Benoit hits hard on MVP, breathing like a maniac and looking like a sweaty man. Little Naitch gives off to MVP for not getting into the goddamn ring. Pin attempt and Benoit survives. MVP attacks Benoit’s face, sets him up in a tree of woe and kicks him in the injured knee that the announcers won’t shut the fuck up about. MVP works the knee some more because why not. Crowd are chanting, “This is boring!” and, thankfully, the announcers don’t check it. Chops from Benoit that Cunt JBL likens to being shot.

Submission move on Benoit as his injured knee is hooked around MVP’s head. Benoit rocks over to the bottom rope, breaks the hold and MVP batters him with knees to the head. Another attempt at a Playmaker but he reverses it into a crossface. MVP escapes! He getst to his feet, he rolls Benoit up and the Wolverine escapes. Another roll-up and the win.

MVP has pinned Benoit to gain one pinfall. The score is currently:

MVP… 2

Benoit… 0

MVP has defeated Benoit two out of three falls to win WWE United States Championship in 12:46.

2017 comments:

Strong start, got slow, got boring.

2007 comments:

I expect better.

Grade: C.

It started off as an A-grade match and finished no better than the match previous. Damn shame. Benoit is sitting by the side of the ring. Poor guy. Masterful acting though.

Cut to JR and King as they shill One Night Stand, which was originally an ECW PPV and is not tri-branded. They talk about the upcoming match – Cena against Khali.

Cut to a promo where someone is talking out the biggest stars – HBK, Orton, Edge. That man is… Khali. It’s a nice gimmick, if we just cut to the damage caused by a mystery assailant but never actually saw the attack. If this went on for weeks, that’s brilliant. Who is it? Who is attacking? The promo puts over Michaels being hurt by Khali. They put over our Lord and Saviour, Jesus (who is the Christ), even though Khali is Hindi. Khali steals Cena’s WWE Championship belt and Cena gets beat up trying to steal it back.

Some stats on screen: Cena is 6’1”, Khali is 7’3”, reputedly, with over a foot’s height difference betwixt them. Cena weights 248lbs, Khali 420lbs, blazing it with almost 172lbs difference, which is one of me. Cena’s reach is 32inches and Khali’s is 41inches. Cena has size 13 shoes, Khali has the made-up-sounding 18EEEE. That’s four E’s! Cena’s moves tell us to fuck up – FU and STFU – whereas Khali’s are just normal moves with the word Giant before them – Giant Chop and Giant Chokeslam. However, there is one vital difference between them: Khali is a filthy foreigner who don’t speak no ‘Murican as he is from Punjab in India, with Osama and all them terr’rists. John Felix Anthony Cena? He’s from West Newbury, Massachusetts. You know who else was from Massachusetts? Freedom.

Fuck sake. Once again, the Fed send out their champ first. This is disgusting. It’s like a snuff film. It should be illegal. The crowd go bananas for our man Cena. What a guy. He’s brushing your mouth like Colgate.

Big wait for Khali. Why? He’s the drizzling shits. Big boos, big X-Pac heat for this man when he comes out. JR tells us not to adjust our sets as he walks out. Very nice touch, there, JR. He reminds us that Khali has never been pinned or made to submit. Why are there so many undefeated streaks happening at once?

Crowd boo Khali. Crowd cheer Cena. Let’s go Cena.

WWE Championship match: John Cena (c) vs. The Great Khali.

This is going to be an awful match. Cena is looking up at Khali, who lifts his hands and roars. Cena sells the clothesline like he’s done dead. Brilliant. Khali punches Cena and he rolls out of the ring. Khali lifts Cena up, tosses him into the steel ring steps and rolls him back into the ring. Pin attempt with big boot on Cena’s chest. Kick out and a body slam for his effort. Big leg drop and a cover that is broken by a foot on the rope.

Irish whip and Cena bounces off the floor like the poor son of a bitch that he is. Cena hits a sunset flip cutter and Khali fails to sell. Cena is building up a big old head of steam but Khali roundhouse kicks him on his arse. Cena and Khali roll to the outside where Khali batters the champ’s head off the announcer’s table.

Rest hold. Klingon Nerve Grip City.

Cena fights out and hits the shoulder barges. Khali is caught in an Andre arm-guillotine on the ropes. He escapes and knocks Cena down to a big boo. Cena is up to his feet and catches Khali’s big chop. Both men roll out again and Cena dropkicks the ringsteps, throwing them into Khali’s knee. Both men are back in the ring. Cena goes top rope, leg drops the back of Khali’s neck, latches on the STFU but he refuses to tap out… until he does.

John Cena has defeated The Great Khali by submission to retain WWE Championship in 8:15.

2017 comments:

Guff.

2007 comments:

Guff.

Grade: C.

Not a good match, but we expect nothing better from Khali.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Khali should have broken the hold with his legs underneath the ropes, but the ref didn’t because Khali is so big that his legs are always beneath the ropes.

Replay of Cena getting his arse kicked. The Judgement Day graphic at the bottom left of the screen is too high off the bottom. Don’t know if it’s been like that all night or not. Cena shouts offscreen and the PPV is done.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Once again, no outstanding matches here. I’m going to give it to both CM Punk and Elijah Burke for their great match, clearly the best of the card.

Woman of the Matches: No one.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: CM Punk and Elijah Burke.

Best Spot: No real spots here either but the reversalfest in the Punk/Burke match was nice.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley wins back his ECW World Championship… but is denied it and so Vince McMahon retains; The Hardys retain their World Tag Team Championship; Edge retains his World Heavyweight Championship belt; Montel Vontavious Porter wins the WWE United States Championship for the first time and Cena retains his WWE Championship.

Dispatches: For the final time in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog, we say goodbye to [REDACTED] Benoit, Dave Taylor, Shawn Michaels and William Regal.

Closing Statements: A real let down in the second half though there were two fantastic matches on the card.

On the Card will return on June 3 2017 with One Night Stand 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #17. Backlash (April 29, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Bad Benoit match followed by a bad ECW match. One is a surprise.

Cut to Cunt JBL and Maggle Cole. They shill the next PPV, Judgment Day.

Cut to a promo for the next match: Undertaker vs. Batista. Taker was the winner there, after a hard-fought match in which Batista almost looked like he could win. But Taker did, obviously. Batista wasn’t too happy about that and demanded his rematch. Teddy Long put it as a Last Man Standing match. This promo really makes both men look awesome… until Taker asks for Batista’s soul. Then it becomes silly. Tony Chimel reminds us of the rules to this match.

Batista’s music hits and the pop is… subdued. He hits his farty machine gun pyro anyways. He is wearing a bandage on his right leg – the victim of many a shillelagh attack by our boy Finlay over the last wee while. Cunt JBL says that the Last Man Standing match requires only a pair of fists and a bucket of guts to survive. I dispute that.

Undertaker’s theme hits and the smoke fills the arena. Taker arrives, holding the belt in his hand, letting it dangle by his side. What a guy. Cunt JBL is desperate to see these two lads beat each other up because he’s the worst.

Taker slowly removes his hat. Batista coughs.

Last Man Standing match for the World Heavyweight Championship: The Undertaker (c) vs. Batista.

Big boot to Batista to start off and Taker hits a number of elbows before throwing Batista into the corner and takes over. Undertaker is wearing a bandage on his right elbow. Both men are injured in this match. Chekov’s bandage. Taker starts to hit Old School and gets it fine, fine, just fine. Couple of headbutts from the Deadman and Batista hits a bodyslam but stumbles. Is it a botch or is it psychology? We may never know, though the announcers are very clear about it. Batista batters Taker’s head off things and gets thrown into the ring steps himself. Ref begins a count but only gets to four. Taker starts kicking on the injured leg of Batista and the announcers still sell their injuries. The pair share kicks. Batista is lying on the apron and Taker gives him a wee boot followed by a great big leg drop. Ref begins another count but Batista is up and throwing Taker into the steel ring steps before he gets to ten.

In the ring, Batista goes to the top rope but Taker delivers a punch to knock him down before he can jump. Taker goes up top and attempts the big ole superplex – and actually gets it! The ref starts his double count and gets to eight. Batista is wobbling. Great job all together. They trade some punches. Batista finally ducks a punch and gets a clothesline. This is a match where, due to the stipulation, the pair of them work at a slower pace. Every punch is heavy. Every knock down is concussive. Another clothesline, another count and Batista hits the bodyslam and leg drop. Maggle tells us that we can feel a shift in the arena… aye, a wee shift, yeah, the crowd are dead. Then Taker throws Batista out and takers the top of the Smackdown announcer’s table off. The crowd pops for that. Batista counters an Irish whip and Taker goes into the barricade. Batista lifts Taker up but the Deadman counters into some attempt of a backbreaker. Announcers sell it but it looks shite. Taker hits Batista with the steel ring steps and has a wee sit. Batista blades and is bust open.

Batista swipes away at Taker ineffectively and Batista is placed on the table. Taker steps on the barricade and hits a lovely leg drop on Batista, destroying the table. Great. Batista is bust wide open and a fan gives him a wee pat on the bum when he gets to his feet for the ten count. In the ring, Taker is running at Batista, hits Snake Eyes and gets a spear for his effort. That would normally be good for maybe a few seconds, but we are led to believe that it will knock him down for ten? Madness. A spinebuster, another count, two more spinebusters and another count. Taker gets to nine and Batista attempts the Batista Bomb but the Phenom escapes, hits the big chokeslam and a double count starts. Once again, both men are up at nine. Undertaker goes to give the ten punch and Batista lifts Undertaker up for a thunderous Batista Bomb. Taker can’t get to his feet… but does before ten. Batista goes out and gets a chair. He’s had enough of this shite. Big chair shot to Undertaker’s head and he attempts another bomb but Taker hits the back body drop on him. Batista is to his feet and gets a Tombstone. Undertaker is amazed that Batista gets to his feet. Both men brawl to the outside.

The two men fight their way up the ramp – a compulsory part of any Last Man Standing match. Taker is ready to throw Batista off the Titantron but Batista fights back. Attempt a Batista Bomb on the steel stage. Taker goes to the edge to check to that there’s a safe spot for Batista to fall upon and carries him over. Batista escapes, hits the spear and both men rock off the Titantron, releasing farty pyro and McMahon-Millions-style set being dropped on them. Ref hits the fastest ten count ever and ends the match.

Neither men answer the count of ten and so Undertaker retains World Heavyweight Championship in 20:23.

2017 comments:

Very long, but it needs to be for this style of match. Inconsistent booking and selling – punches got five counts and finishers got the same. Ending was cheap and guff.

2007 comments:

That last angle looked awesome, actually.

Grade: B.

Cole says: “There is no last man standing tonight,” as both men stand up pretty much instantly.

Cut to Jim Ross and Jerry selling the match. They set up the mmmmmmmain event between our boys Edgy, HBKy, Ceny and Ortony. There was a poll done and Cena won with 50% of the vote, followed by HBK at 34%, Orton at 10% and the Rated-R Superstar trailing with a measly 6%. That’s what happens when you fuck over Fat Matt Hardy, my boy.

Cut to a Green-Day-Longview-inspired promo for this Fatal 4-Way. It doesn’t seem to have the gravitas that it should have. Cut to recaps of matches over the last wee while. So these boys have fought each other a bit and Cena has usually won. This is a horrible promo.

Finally, Shawn enters to his Sexy Boy music! How long have we been waiting for this? Months! He gets a barely-there pop for it and sets off lovely big pyro behind him. JR has to recap the last match because the promo package did such a bad job of doing it!

Edge’s awesome music hits and the WWE Championship graphic hits for some unknown reason. Edge is springing about the ring.

Hey! It’s Randy Orrrrrrton! He hits the legend-killer pose and jogs to the ring like the jobber he is. All four of these men were tag-teams and fought at the last PPV. Why isn’t this a bigger thing?

The crowd pop for our man Cena as he rocks down to the ring, shouting and yelling. He slips into the ring and hits the ropes before throwing up his fists for the crowd.

Fatal 4-way match for the WWE Championship: John Cena (c) vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Edge vs. Randy Orton.

All four men stand in their corners and look at each other for a while. Everyone waits to make the first move. Shawn moves towards Cena and the two have a wee chat. Orton and Edge come over, both slap the other two and soon all four men are looking at each other. Shawn and Cena give tandem punches to the Rated-RKO team before Shawn gives some lovely chops to Cena’s chest, giving some fantastic “Woo”s from the crowd. Fisherman’s suplex and both men are down. Edge and Randy are in and toss Shawn and Cena out. Both men square off. King says, “behove.”

Lovely punches and a standing dropkick. Edge rolls out and Cena rolls him back in. Shawn drags out Randy and punches him before Cena knocks them both down and Edge knocks him down. Very nice. Edge tosses Randy into a very safe ring step spot before body slamming Cena, attempting to do the same to Michaels but it is reversed. Shawn goes top rope and moonsaults outside, hitting Edge and Randy pretty badly. Shawn rolls Edge into the ring and gives him some lovely chops. Double clothesline and both men are down.

Cena is top rope and hits a lovely leg drop that knocks down both men. Cena pins Michaels but gets nothing. Orton hits Cena with a lovely clothesline and tosses out Michaels and Edge. Both Orton and Cena go at one another and Orton hits a lovely backbreaker followed by a stompy womp and big jumping knee. The frosted-tip ref hits a thunderous pin-count but Cena kicks out. Randy is thrown into the corner but Cena misses his shoulder barge. Michaels rocks in and chops away on Orton, getting big “woo!”s, followed by a shoulder barge and kip up but Edge boots him in the face and goes for a pin attempt that Orton breaks up. Both men have a wee chat and join together to beat on Michaels. Rated-RKO hit the legend killer pose and Edge knocks Cena off the apron and into the ECW announcers, who have something exciting happen to them for a wee change.

Michaels hits his inside-out spot in the corner and the team give him a double back-body drop followed by double Boston crab. Michaels can’t seem to reach the ropes. The announcers wonder that if Shawn taps out, who would be the winner? Fatal four-way rules mean that the person hitting the submission would win. Ah well, it don’t matter none because Cena pops in and hits a double sunset-neckbreaker and cleans out. Spin-out powerbomb on Edge and a Five-Knuckle Shuffle on the Rated-R Superstar. Both Orton and Michaels pull Cena out and throw him into the ringpost. Then Orton is pushed in by Michaels.

Orton is thrown onto the announce table and as Michaels is ready to piledrive Orton, Edge hits him with a chair and bops Randy on the head with the chair. Edge goes mid-ring and attempts to hit Cena but Cena applies the STFU instead. Good man, Cena. Edge has lovely facials. Edge gets to the rope and Cena breaks the hold… but it’s no DQ, right? STFU to Orton and Michaels is in to break it up. Pin attempt and Cena gets the big chops. Michaels hits the shoulder-barge, kip-up, atomic drops to all three men. Orton and Edge are tossed out and Cena gets a bodyslam. Michaels goes to the top rope and hits the big elbow drop on Cena. He strikes up the band, tuning it up for Sweet Chin Music but Edge intervenes. Lovely body slam and another elbow drop on Edge and JR incorrectly calls it, “Air Canada,” despite the fact that Michaels is American. Edge is Canuck though.

Orton comes in and Michaels body slams him, attempts another elbow drop but Cena goes up to hit the Super FU but Rated-RKO lift Cena’s legs up and all four men hit the mat, hard. Lots of lying down. Cena attempts to FU Edge, but there are a number of counters before Michaels jumps on Edge as he is getting an FU, stopping Cena from hitting it. Orton comes in, RKOs Michaels – and shows off a horrible-looking bloody blotch on his inner thighs – and Edge hits a lovely DDT on Cena, getting only a two-count. Edge looks pretty intense and gets ready to spear Cena, who jumps over him, delivering Edge into an almost-RKO. A couple of false finishes and finally Michaels Sweet Chin Music’s Cena, who falls onto Orton and accidentally gets the pin.

John Cena has accidentally pinned Randy Orton and retains the WWE Championship in 19:21.

2017 comments:

Wow. What a fantastic match with great spots, pin attempts, close calls, lovely choreography and ruined by a horrible ending. I don’t think either Orton or Cena knew it was the finish.

2007 comments:

Whut.

Grade: B.

Cena’s music hits and although he was probably supposed to win, not one man looks like they knew it. JR says that Cena was in the right place at the right time and this is probably true. Shawn is pissed off at Cena and is roaring at him. Michaels takes a seat in the corner and leaves the ring, still ticked off. Both men make it look like they genuinely have heat.

Straight-up Shoot Fact: Apparently, after the WrestleMania match last month, Shawn had genuine heat with Cena and was unhappy about how the match went due to Cena not selling his leg.

The PPV ends with a pop and fizzle.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No real matches were outstanding but I must say that the choreography in that final match was fantastic. So, I nominate John Cena, Randy Orton, Edge and Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: That was a fantastic match. I’m going to nominate Mickie James.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Mickie James!

Best Spot: Edge spearing Randy, getting FU’d by Cena who gets Sweet Chin Music’d by Shawn Michaels and accidentally gets the pin.

Hatches: We saw Shane McMahon for the first time since Unforgiven, but other than there, there are no other hatches.

Matches: The Hardy Boys retain their World Tag Team Championships; Melina retains her WWE Women’s Championship; [REDACTED] Benoit retains his WWE United States Championship; The Undertaker retains his World Heavyweight Championship; John Cena retains his WWE Championship; Vince McMahon wins the ECW Championship for his first reign.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the final time that we will see Mickie James and The Undertaker in the Ruthless Aggression portion of this blog. Mickie has an absence due to Melina transitioning into a feud with… Candice Michelle. The Undertaker would leave after the May 11 Smackdown to rehab injuries and would not return until Unforgiven in September.

Closing Statements: It was an okay card and there were flashes of brilliance throughout, but ultimately the endings of the matches were what let this PPV down, sadly.

On the Card will return on May 20 2017 with Judgment Day 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #14. Royal Rumble (Jan 28, 2007) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Brilliant Cena match. Fair play to the pair of them.

Backstage, Sandman interrupts Coach and the rest of them. Takes a number, takes a drink, busts himself open with his cane and leaves. Ric Flair comes in and Kelly Kelly mutters a line. The lights dim and Layla comes in and dances. Shite, shite, shite.

Back in the Arena we have Jerry, Cunt and Moustache and they are  – regrettably – announcing the Rumble.

Promo showing the last twenty years of the Royal Rumble, from Hogan and Warrior to Kane dominating, to Trips and Shawn winning, to The Rock’s fantastic win in 2000 and Stone Cold clearing house in 1997. We see Vince win, [REDACTED] Benoit win, Mysterio win. Apparently it’s a star-studded Rumble. I’ll be the judge of that. Shawn Michaels is in it. Edge is in it. Kenny is in it. Benoit, Khali, Kane, Booker, Taker, all participants.

Lillian Garcia looks like a car. She reminds us of the rules, but, c’mon, we know the rules, girl.

A question I have is… does the winner fight Cena or the champ in their own brand? That’s not explained.

Ric Flair’s music hits and out he comes, fresh from his dance twenty seconds ago. He was number 3 in 1992. He almost lasted an hour back then. Doubt he’s going to last that long.

Then Finlay’s music hits and the crowd go mild. Little Naitch tells him that he can’t have the shillelagh. The pair of them square off and the Rumble begins.

The 2007 Royal Rumble.

A First Challenger Appears: Ric Flair.

A Second Challenger Appears: Fit Finlay.

NOTE: The times given for each elimination are how long the competitor stayed in the ring.

Finlay tosses Flair to the ground and they get into the corner together. Finlay slaps Flair and the Nature Boy returns it, getting big “Woo!”s from the crowd. Flair gets a back body drop and Finlay lifts Flair up, tries to toss him out and gets a rake in the eye.

A Third Challenger Appears: Kenny Dykstra.

Twenty years old, it’s our boy Spirit Squad Kenny. Flair goes straight for him. Lots of slaps which Finlay stops. Kenny boots Flair and Finlay tries to get Kenny out. Kenny gets back in and there are more slaps and punches in the corner.

A Fourth Challenger Appears: Matt Hardy.

He’s in twice tonight! Fat Matt Hardy, holding the old jaw and going straight for Kenny, hitting the Side Effect and almost kicking Kenny out. Flair and Finlay in one corner and no eliminations yet. The competitors have paired off but once again, Kenny holds Flair and the partners swap as Finlay and Matt tussle. Lots more chops from Flair.

A Fifth Challenger Appears: Edge.

Here we go, a talented wrassler. Out he comes, sprinting to the ring, spearing Flair, spearing Finlay, goes for Matt who skips out of the way and hits the Twist of Fate. Flair is outside, he’s under the ring, he’s got a steel chair – legal but only as long as he introduces it during the match as opposed to before it. Edge grabs Flair and the crowd boo as he gets tossed out.

Ric Flair has been eliminated by Edge in 5:40.

Kenny and Edge high five and as Dykstra does the Flair dance, Edge tosses him out.

Kenny Dykstra has been eliminated by Edge in 4:05.

A Sixth Challenger Appears: Tommy Dreamer.

No time to mourn the Spirit Squad boy. It’s time for Tommy. He runs in, the crowd chant “ECW!” and he gets Edge in the tree of woe, baseball slides him and is knocked down by Finlay. Four men in the ring now. Both Tommy and Edge are about to be thrown out but no dice. We’re going to see lots of that shite.

A Seventh Challenger Appears: Sabu.

Oh fuck. Here’s Botchy McCan’tmanoeuver. He runs to the ring, grabs a table from below first, sets it up outside the ring, goes straight for Tommy. Sabu hits the springboard crossbody and does it again but Dreamer hits the weak punch and gets him mid-air. More “holding on the ring rope” spots.

An Eighty Challenger Appears: Gregory Helms.

He comes in, goes for Matt and Finlay is almost thrown out. Six men in, all in pairs, nothing exciting happening and none of them are winners, really. Sabu is getting chants and goes for Helms, ready to toss him out.

A Ninth Challenger Appears: Shelton Benjamin.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team member 1 is in. He tries to toss out Tommy and fails. He tries to toss out Matt and fails. People waste time here as Finlay tries to toss Shelton out. Both men hold on. Matt tries to help and fails. We have Sabu/Tommy and Greg/Edge. Matt is trying to suplex Shelton out.

A Tenth Challenger Appears: Kane.

Big pop for the pyro from Kane. He holds the record for knocking the most people out at 11 until Roman Reigns beat him. But fuck Reigns. Kane hits the tiltawhirl Bossman slam, chokeslams Edge and tosses Tommy out.

Tommy Dreamer has been eliminated by Kane in 6:41.

Tommy has the record for lasting the longest before being eliminated, but obviously that must be beaten tonight. Sabu has Kane on the ropes. He tries to clothesline him out, lands on the apron and Kane chokeslams him out, through the table.

Sabu has been eliminated by Kane in 5:28.

The announcers say that Kane is the favourite now.

An Eleventh Challenger Appears: CM Punk.

Out he comes! The up and comer! He goes straight for Edge and Cunt JBL calls him boring because he’s straight edge. Finlay almost tosses him out, but fails. CM Punk gives Edge a wee knee to the face. Finlay has been in for over fifteen minutes, which is fourteen minutes too long, being honest with you. Final lifts Punk over but fails.

A Twelfth Challenger Appears: King Booker.

Sharmell is with him! Yo! He takes his time to come in, starts on Helms and beats him like a government mule, tossing him out.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by King Booker in 6:50.

Well done, Hurrcicane, you beat Tommy by nine seconds. Seven men in the ring and all of them wasting time. Cole tells us of all the brands but fuck the brands.

A Thirteeth Challenger Appears: Super Crazy

It’s Super Crazy! He’s going in and goes after the tough guys and gets beaten down almost instantly. More wasting time here with everyone holding onto ropes. Finlay almost goes out and Shelton Benjamin is in trouble but survives.

A Fourteenth Challenger Appears: Jeff Hardy.

Both Hardys! They double team Finlay, they double team Edge! They double team Super Crazy! They botch that, though. They double Team Kane, but he gets them in the old double chokeslam and they hit back with Poetry in Motion.

A Fifteenth Challenger Appears: Sandman.

Here he is, coming down the crowd, spraying beer over someone who works there, like a goose. He comes in, Singapore cane in hang and busts both Hardys and Crazy before Booker tosses him out.

Sandman has been eliminated by Booker T in 13 seconds.

Good. Get rid of you and that shite theme music. Use Metallica. Fuck sake.

The crowd boo, though. They obviously like the talentless fuck. Finlay almost tosses out Jeff but he skins the can and jumps back in. Punk attempts it but fails.

A Sixteenth Challenger Appears: Randy Orton.

Both Hardys are in, both Rated-RKO are in. Both King Booker and Sir Finlay are in. Rated-RKO toss out Super Crazy.

Super Crazy has been eliminated by Rated-RKO in 4:32.

Randy hits Matt with a backbreaker. The Tag Team Champs try to toss him off but Jeff goes before Matt.

Jeff Hardy has been eliminated by Edge in 3:39.

Matt Hardy has been eliminated by Randy Orton in 18:55.

I’ll bet Matt said he didn’t want to be eliminated by Edge. Rated-RKO go for the others and more wasting time. No spots other than Sabu’s shite table spot. Finlay and Booker try to toss out Kane.

A Seventeenth Challenger Appears: [REDACTED] Benoit.

The man that time forgot pops in, chopping Rated-RKO, goes for Booker, goes for Finlay, German suplexes him to the mat. Booker goes for the kick, gets a suplex. Shelton tries to grab Benoit, gets a suplex. What a guy. Cunt JBL calls him a cardio machine.

An Eighteenth Challenger Appears: RVD.

The whole fucking show! Rob Van Dam comes in, knocks down Benoit, knocks down Edge, knocks down Shelton. Booker throws him into the corner and Kane throws Booker out.

King Booker T has been eliminated by Kane in 9:22.

Booker cannot believe it! He is upset and so is Cunt JBL. Booker comes back in, beats on Kane, hits the Scissors Kick, tosses Kane out.

Kane has been eliminated by Booker T in 13:21.

Is this legal? In 1997, I asked the same thing when Ahmed Johnson returned to the ring to hit Faarooq with the biggest 2×4 I had ever seen. This should not be legal and there should be rules against it, at least having Kane go back into the ring or restart the match. Alas, Booker and Kane start a feud outside.

A Nineteenth Challenger Appears: Viscera.

Big Daddy V walks down and the camera focuses on Kane. The announcers argue about whether or not Booker’s attack is legal or not. Cole tells us that it took seven men to eliminate Viscera (then called Mabel) in 1992. The announcers make fat jokes.

A Twentieth Challenger Appears: Johnny Nitro.

Nice.

Nitro goes for RVD and does not get him out. Viscera squashes Punk in the corner. There are nine people in the ring and we have ten people left. Shelton Benjamin holds on, his feet hovering off the ground.

A Twenty-First Challenger Appears: Kevin Thorn.

Ariel is not with him. Disregard. Discount Gangrel beats on people and we see Shelton holding on tight to the bottom rope. Big Daddy V has RVD over the top rope but none can help. Viscera is on the ropes and RVD gets a great clothesline to knock him to the ground. The eleventh person in the ring is about to arrive.

A Twenty-Second Challenger Appears: Hardcore Holly.

He can fuck off. Old Sparky Plugg.

Christ, there are a lot of men in this fucking ring. Bob Holly legit punches Viscera, the prick. Cole tells us that the ring is filling up. Good man. Six men are on Viscera. Come on, boys, you need at least one more there.

A Twenty-Third Challenger Appears: Shawn Michael.

He enters to his fucking DX music. C’mon, Shawn. You can do better than that. The ring clears as Shawn goes on Finlay and knocks him out with a clothesline.

Finlay has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 32:33.

That is too long for Finlay to be anywhere. Viscera knocks everyone back, Shawn superkicks him and the lads go for the World’s Biggest Love Machine once again, getting him over the top rope. Eight men, apparently.

Viscera has been eliminated by Rob Van Dam, Edge, CM Punk, Chris Benoit, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Hardcore Holly and Kevin Thorn in 6:22.

Then Shawn tosses out Shelton Benjamin.

Shelton Benjamin has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 22:22.

He beats Viscera by sixteen minutes. Yeo.

Shawn beats on Bob Holly and then Holly beats on Michaels.

A Twenty-Fourth Challenger Appears: Chris Masters.

Roidy Magoo rolls in and the ring is full again with ten men all up in it. Nitro goes top rope and Benoit knocks him down.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:18.

Fair play to Johnny, actually. He lasted ages for a man who had a huge match earlier in the night. Edge is the longest-serving man in this Rumble.

A Twenty-Fifth Challenger Appears: Chavo Guerrero.

He runs in and does a lovely roll, goes for Masters and Kevin Thorn is tossed out.

Kevin Thorn has been eliminated by [REDACTED] Benoit in 6:55.

Who is left to come out? Who really cares?

Michaels beats on Randy. Punk and RVD hug each other. Masters beats on Chavo. Edge hangs out on the floor. The crowd are quite dead. Ohhhhh, the timer comes back up!

A Twenty-Sixth Challenger Appears: MVP.

Montel Vontavious Porter! It’s himself! He slides in, burns and all, goes for Benoit. Ten men are in the ring again. Masters falls out. Derp.

Chris Masters has been eliminated by RVD  in 3:32.

RVD is very pleased with himself. Punk is almost out on one corner, Holly almost out on t’other. Punk is holding on but the timer is coming up!

A Twenty-Seventh Challenger Appears: Carlito.

Ohhhhh, the boy himself is in. Brilliant. I love Carlito. Tenner says he lasts two minutes. The ring is very full, eleven men in the ring and only three men left. Shawn Michaels almost goes over the top rope. He’s holding, he’s teetering, he’s tottering, but he stays in. Fair play. Rated-RKO attack Carlito and the timer comes up again.

A Twenty-Eighth Challenger Appears: The Great Khali.

The crowd groan. Who cares about this shitehawk? No one. The crowd die and the wrasslers stop, watch. Edge and RVD get tossed. Orton goes, Benoit goes, MVP goes, Shawn goes, RVD again, Chavo. The crowd boo. Everyone is on the floor. They’re all getting chops and they’re all sitting down.

Just before the timer hits zero, Bob Holly is tossed out by Khali. Good. Shove it up ye.

Hardcore Holly has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 10:21.

Ten boys still in and we reach our penultimate challenger!

A Twenty-Ninth Challenger Appears: The Miz.

Wow. He can go fuck himself. Khali tosses him right out.

The Miz has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 7 seconds.

Good.

Khali then throws out RVD.

RVD has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 16:28.

Then he throws out Punk!

CM Punk has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 27:16.

Then he almost throws out Carlito. Then he does toss out Carlito.

Carlito has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 3:19.

Then he throws out Chavo!

Chavo has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 6:24.

Jerry says, “Somebody dropped the ugly bomb on him.” Bit harsh, the lad has a disease. Either way, he also has been given a push and one that he, like many before him, simply does not deserve.

At some point during this, Benoit gets eliminated too.

[REDACTED] Benoit has been eliminated by The Great Khali  in 17:52.

Shawn is up and chops Khali. Khali grabs Michaels and the crowd boo. He takes a chokebomb as number 30 comes in. Cole has a lovely soundbite, “Who can beat Khali?”

The Thirtieth and Final Challenger Appears: The Undertaker.

Just like ten years before, Taker is number thirty! Khali looks worried. The pair batter in the middle of the ring and Taker fights back, finally tossing the cunt out.

The Great Khali has been eliminated by the Undertaker in 3:45

Undertaker raises hell in the middle of the ring. No one else will join these five men. We have MVP, Orton, Edge, Michaels, Taker. He knocks everyone down, hits Old School on MVP. Balls on him. Undertaker tosses MVP out.

MVP has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 7:32.

Taker hits Edge with the jumping clothesline. MVP takes a chair into the ring and Taker almost throws Edge out as Randy Orton busts Taker in the head with the chair. Taker is up, though and Edge is calling for Orton to turn around. Randy sees it, though and the pair shout at each other mid-ring. Randy hits the RKO on Shawn and he rolls out. Rated-RKO chat and they both turn on Taker. Taker is bust open and the two men beat on the Phenom without mercy. Taker fights back and rains fists on the Tag Team Champs, running into the corners. Taker is about to hit the double chokeslam but they fight out, give him the Irish whip and he hits the double clothesline, hits Snake Eyes and Big Boot on Edge. He goes for the Chokeslam on Orton but Edge Spears him before he can do it. Edge has the chair in his hand, cracks Taker on the head for the second time.

Edge rolls out, gets another chair and they get ready for the Conchairto, which is a stupid name. Shawn’s up, though! And he tosses Orton out!

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 27:15.

Then he tosses Edge out!

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 44:02.

Both men are lying on the ground. The crowd is going wild. Taker sits up first. Shawn kip-ups. They both get ready, put their dukes up and Shawn has Taker in the corner, going for the ten-punch but Taker pushes him off twice and chokeslams him into the corner. Taker punches Shawn and he damn near flies out of the ring.

Shawn gets back in and there are chops from Shawn. Taker reverses an Irish whip and Shawn is damn near turned inside out. Taker goes for the big boot but Taker falls onto the apron. Shawn attempts to knock him off but fails. Taker goes to back body drop Shawn but gets a swinging neckbreaker instead. Big punches. “HBK!” chants rise. Taker gives Michaels the Big Boot. The San Antonian crowd is silent. Taker lifts up Shawn, tries to toss him off but Shawn holds on, throws him into the turnbuckle. Shawn goes up top and is almost thrown off. Undertaker goes for the superplex. They headbutt each other. Taker goes to toss Michaels onto the mat but Michaels fights back. Taker is in the ring. Shawn is on the turnbuckle. He hits the elbow, jumps up and leans against the corner. He starts to tune up the band. The crowd are baying for Sweet Chin Music and count with the stomps. Taker catches the boot! Taker hits a thunderous chokeslam. He runs his thumb over his throat and lifts up Shawn, is about to hit the Tombstone but Shawn escapes and hits Sweet Chin Music!

Both men are down. Both men are fucked. They’ve been the last two men for ages. Shawn is getting the superkick ready but Taker tosses him over the top rope!

Shawn Michaels has been eliminated by The Undertaker in 24:11.

Entrant number thirty, The Undertaker is the winner of the 2007 Royal Rumble in 56:18 after surviving for 13:15.

2017 comments:

Very, very good finish. Everything up to that was filler.

1997 comments:

I like how they just put a Shawn vs. Taker match on the end of this disappointing battle royale.

Grade: B

Taker stands centre stage, looks out at Shawn, nods and the camera focuses on both men, showing the emotion behind the match. Fair play to the pair of yis. Taker looks at the Wrestlemania 23 sign, checks out the hard cam and points at Shawn. Cunt JBL says that they don’t know what title he is going to go after… so presumably he can choose any. He kneels mid-ring and big pyro hits.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: Good God Almighty, I have to give it to either Shawn, Cena or Umaga. I’m going to go with Shawn Michaels.

Woman of the Matches: There were literally no women in this PPV other than backstage bimbos.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Shawn Michaels.

Best Spot: There were none, really, but I’d say Taker’s sit up followed by Shawn’s kip up was brilliant.

Hatches: None.

Matches: Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship belt; Batista retained his World Heavyweight Championship belt and John Cena retained his WWE Championship belt.

Dispatches: Sadly, this is the last we will see of Roidy Magoo Test.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, [REDACTED] Benoit.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: CM Punk, Joey Mercury, Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Joey Mercury for busting his face and returning!

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell, Trish Stratus.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Ariel, Queen Sharmell, Victoria, No one.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Victoria!

The Year in Reviews

Each Royal Rumble, I will give you some information of the past year of reviews for you stat-heads out there.

In 2006, the biggest movie at the time was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, which made $1,066,179,725 worldwide, followed by The Da Vinci Code and Ice Age: The Meltdown. There were a lot of things going on in the world of music but the top best-selling album was… The High School Musical Soundtrack? What the fuck?

There was the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany, a Jackson Pollock painting sold and people cared for some reason, North Korea conducted its first-ever Nuclear Test and Steve Irwin died.

In wrasslin’ news, the WWE Championship was brought into 2006 by Cena for 280 days since April 3 2005 until Edge held it for 21 days from Jan 8 2006 to Jan 29 where Cena held it for 133 days until June 11 at ECW One Night Stand where RVD took it. He held it for 22 days until July 3 when Edge took it back, then it passed to Cena after 76 days at Unforgiven on September 17 and he would take it into the New Year.

Batista had the WWE World Heavyweight belt from April 3, 2005, brought it into 2006 but lost it after 282 days when he had a triceps injury. Kurt Angle took it, held it for 82 days, Dropped it at WrestleMania 22 to Rey Mysterio (winner of the Royal Rumble 2006) and he held it for 112 days until Booker T won it at The Great American Bash on July 23. He lost it Batista after 126 days at Survivor Series and he would bring it into 2007.

Ric Flair held the Intercontinental Championship for 155 days from Sept 18 2005 to Feb 20 2006 when he dropped it to Shelton Benjamin. He had it for 69 days, dropping it to RVD at Backlash who held it for a measly 15 days until Shelton got it back on May 15. After 41 days, Jonny Nitro took it at Vengeance and he had it for 99 days before dropping it to Jeff who gave it back to Johnny after 35 days who dropped it again to Jeff after a week. Jeff would bring it into the New Year.

Booker T had the United States Championship at the beginning of 2006 and held it for 40 days, dropping it to Benoit on Feb 19th, who would drop it to JBL on April 2 after 42 dats, who gave it to Bobby Lashley after 51 days and then to Finlay. They both held it for 49 days each. Mr Kennedy won it on August 29 and dropped it to Benoit 42 days later on October 10, 2006. He would take it into 2007.

Kid Kash was the Cruiserweight Champion at the start of 2006 but he dropped it to Gregory Helms who held it into the New Year.

Rob Van Dam won the reactivated ECW World Heavyweight Championship on June 13, 2006 and held it for 21 days until July 4 when The Big Show beat him to win it. He held it for 152 days until Bobby Lashley won it at December to Dismember and took it into the New Year.

MNM were the Tag Team Champions at the start of 2006 and dropped it to Paul London and Brian Kendrick after 145 days on May 21. They held it into 2007.

Kane and The Big Show were World Tag Team Champs at the beginning of 2006 but they dropped it to the Spirit Squad after 153 days on April 3. They then let Ric Flair and Roddy Piper take it from them on Cyber Sunday and eight days later, Rated-RKO got it from them on Nov 13. They brought it into 2007.

Finally, Trish Stratus was the WWE Women’s Champion at the beginning of 2006 and dropped it to Mickie James at WrestleMania 22 on April 2 after 448 days as champion. Mickie held it for 134 days until Lita took it from her on August 14. Trish won it back at Unforgiven and retired, vacating the title. Lita would win it on November 5 at Cyber Sunday and then Mickie won it 21 days later in Lita’s last match. Mickie would be Women’s Champ into 2007.

2006 was the last full year of separate PPVs for separate WWE brands until it happened again ten years later and it was the last year of the Ruthless Aggression Era as the PG Era came into play shortly after the Benoit Tragedy. The roster was thick and so was the blood.

Closing Statements: A good PPV, more spectacle than actual wrestling but the matches were fun and the end of the Rumble was fantastic.

On the Card will return on February 18 2017 with the Smackdown PPV No Way Out 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #13: New Year’s Revolution (Jan 7 2007) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: A great opener and a “special match” which was shite.

Cut to the back and Vince and Coach as they speak about Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell. Very relevant, considering today. Vince books Donald vs. Rosie for Raw the next night. Coach sucks up to Vince, who walks away, disgusted. Ron Simmons appears behind Coach and says “Damn.”

Back to the arena, JR and Jerry big up this match as Kenny Dykstra comes down, dressed as Ric Flair and tells the ref to hold the ropes open for him. We show from Raw last week where Rated-RKO beat on the Nature Boy after Kenny beat him. Kenny cuts a shitty promo and Ric interrupts him.

Flair comes down and his robe is superior in many ways. Flair himself, of course, is one hundred and something years old, made of leather and is, in many ways, very disgusting.

Kenny Dykstra def. Ric Flair via pin in 10:02.

Lots of “wooo!”s from the crowd as the pair lock up. Kenny knocks Flair to the ground and gives it the Flair strut. Crowd start telling Kenny that he sucks and King calls them on it. Kenny punching Flair in the corner and Ric returns a few slaps that the crowd react to. Crowd is mostly dead despite a lovely back body drop from the Nature Boy. Kenny is thrown outside and the crowd cheer as Flair struts. Flair hits the hangman and Flair woos and runs around the ring. Flair hits a suplex to the outside as JR says “Golly” and “Doggone” in the same sentence. Kenny attempts the cover but gets naught and so gives Flair another suplex.

Kenny gets Flair in the old Boston Crab. Turns out that Kenny had just turned twenty in March 2006, so he is super young to be in this at all. Great stuff. Flair is having a lovely lie down and that super fan with the red hat in the front row is roaring at Flair. “Get up!” he cries, “Get up, you wallet!” Flair finally breaks the hold and Kenny gives him a couple of boots to the chest for his effort. Flair chops back and gets a big reaction from the crowd. Flair flops but Kenny returns to him, goes to apply the figure four but Flair reverses it into a roll-up. Flair goes to the top rope. Super fan says no. Kenny gives Flair a body slam from the top rope. Kenny jumps to the top rope, hits the missile dropkick and gets the shoulder up. Flair gives the thumb to the eye followed by two shots to Kenny’s knee. He gets ready for the figure four and the crowd goes wild for Kenny to tap. Oh, by Christ, they’re going bananas. Each time Kenny falls back, the ref goes for the pin. Kenny finally reaches the bottom rope.

Flair is going crazy on Flair in the corner and Kenny hits the low blow followed by a roll-up for the win in 10:02.

2016 comments:

Technically a good match, but a mess in the execution and crowd were so quiet that you’d think it was the piss-break match.

2006 comments:

Eugh.

Grade: C

Cut to Johnny Mundo in the backstage and he tells Melina to call Joey and tell her that the Hardys must pay. His balls are sore as well and that is important. Melina leaves and is intercepted by Victoria who needs Melina to write her name on a piece of paper so that Victoria can have a chance at the Women’s Championship. She then leaves before Melina signs.

Quick promo of Victoria coming to the ring for weeks with a checklist of her opponents, knocking them all off and ticking their names off on the list. We see that the crowd is dead during each match despite Victoria trying to do her best.

Back in the arena, Victoria’s must hits and she comes down to the ring with a pout on her face. She tells JR and King to “watch and learn,” to which JR replies with, “Happy new year.” JR puts her over.

Mickie’s music hits and down she skips to the ring with a face on her. Mickie taunts the crowd and Jerry tells us that he loves women’s matches and he is sure his fans do too. Yes, they do, Jerry, but they are the wrong type of fans.

WWE Women’s Championship match: Mickie James (c) def Victoria via pin in 6:49.

The women circle each other and Victoria gives Mickie a push. JR puts Victoria over. Awful full Nelson slam followed by a submission from Victoria. Mickie escapes an armbar with a cartwheel and the pair hold each other for a while. Shitty crowd, by the way. Some arm drag takedowns followed by a dropkick and Mickie is in control. Mickie goes to Bret’s rope but is kicked out to the outside by Victoria, who gives her a baseball slide followed by a Samoan Drop onto the barricade. Victoria gives a look to Lilian, who stands, hands on hips, confused. Mickie attempts a roll-up but fails. Victoria heels it up with some lovely chokes and a knee to the back. Victoria gives Mickie a hair pull toss and JR calls her a “sexy little Frisbee.” Victoria hits the Brets-rope-standing-moonsault but Mickie rolls away. Lovely bunch of clotheslines and Mickie is in control, punching Victoria in circles, hitting the clothesline and just failing to get the three. Victoria takes over but Mickie hits the head-scissor takedown, runs at Victoria on the apron and the crowd boo as Melina turns up to help Victoria. Melina gets slapped, Mickie goes for the DDT but Maria and Candice turn up, messing up the next few spots until Mickie reverses a powerslam into a DDT and gets the pin in 6:49.

2016 comments:

Wow. An actual not-bad women’s match. The ending made it look shit, but everything before was fine, just fine.

2006 comments:

Is… is this what women’s wrestling is supposed to be like?

Grade: C

Promo for the upcoming Tag Team match with Edge introducing Ric Flair onto the Cutting Edge. He arrived covered in blood and got a bunch of chair shots to the head. Pretty gruesome. Shawn is pretty upset that Rated-RKO did that. Edge hits Trips with a steel chair at a RAW and then the Rated-R superstar and the Legend killed kick seven shades of shite out of DX. Very obvious chair shots to the ground as opposed to the heads of their opponents.

“Are you ready?” DX’s music asks. The crowd cheers in response. The men come out, giving people epileptic fits with their strobed entrance. Trips holds water in his mouth for far too long before spitting it and then they crotch-chop some pyro. Shawn gives us a wee run in a circle. Good man yourself. DX were once one of the most over tag teams in the Fed and here they are, pandering to the crowd like a pair of Hulk Hogans. Trips gets the mic, thinks for a while and asks them if they are ready. They are. There is no discussion. Trips says that right now, the fans are seeing the, “frosty, sugary side of DX,” which Shawn likes, but soon they will see the “ass-kicking side of DX,” which doesn’t sound like a nice cupcake or whatever.

Rated-RKO’s awesome music hits and they pair of bastards turn up with Edge looking serious as fuck. DX jump out and run to the ramp to beat on Rated-RKO before the match begins. Edge is thrown into the crowd and suplexed back into the arena. Randy gets some lovely chops from our boy Shawn. Trips back-body drops Edge onto the steel of the ramp. Michaels is about to take a suplex but denies it, throwing Randy into the steel steps. Shawn and Edge make it into the ring and finally the bell rings.

WWE Tag Team Championship match: Rated-RKO (Randy Orton and Edge) (c) def D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) via no contest in 23:20.

Shawn takes no prisoners with Edge and DX chants rise as Trips is tagged in, pulling on Edge’s nose. We see a rare tweener babyface team here as Shawn distracts the ref. Trips chuck Edge into the corner and Shawn hangs on the ropes, booting Edge in the face before being tagged in. Edge dodges a spear from Shawn and Randy is tagged in. Orton punches Michaels in the corner but Michaels hits a lovely snapmare and kicks Orton in the head. Another shot to the ribs and Trips is tagged in, hitting Orton in the face with a lovely punch, giving him a knee drop. Shawn distracts the ref again as Trips hits Orton in the face on the apron. Another ref distraction and Shawn gives Orton a leg drop. Orton is bleeding already from a cut on his forehead. Did he blade? I saw it not.

Shawn has some of Orton’s blood on his chin as he gives Orton some lovely shots, hoping to bleed him further. Trips then does it loads, opening up the Legend Killer. Edge gives Trips a cheap shot and is pulled into the ring. Ref distraction again and now it’s Rated-RKO’s turn to double team. Edge comes in, boots Trips a bunch and steps back to give Trips some air. The crowd chant for DX as Trips has a wee lie down in the corner. Edge works on Trips’ leg and showboats for the crowd. He hits a “woo!” attempts a figure four but Trips fights back. Shawn comes in for the hot tag but cleans house, kipping up, atomic drop, body slam, goes to the top rope and hits the elbow drop. Orton is in, however, knocking Shawn down before Trips tosses him out himself. Edge goes for Shawn and both men are dropped outside. Michaels suicide dive and Trips is at the top rope, eager to join in.

Edge spears Michaels on the apron and now everyone is down. Orton has the championship belt and hits Michaels with it. Ref must not have seen it but Michaels has bladed bad and his face is a crimson mask on the outside. Jesus Christ. Edge pulls Michaels in with his hair and Edge batters on Michaels like mad, tagging in Orton who gives Shawn an inverted backbreaker which only gets a two-count. Orton stomps on Shawn for a while and gets another two-count. Edge tags in and both men have been pounding on Shawn for ages. Great Irish whip into the corner. Edge is covered in Shawn’s blood and gives Michaels another backbreaker, getting only a two-count. Orton is tagged in and punches Shawn on the back a lot. He attempts a pin with one foot on Shawn’s chest but gets two counts.

Randy rakes Shawn’s eyes – lot of illegal manoeuvres in this match – and Rated-RKO give Shawn a double backbreaker. Trips comes in to break the count and Edge gives Shawn a lovely stretch as the two sit down for a bit. Shawn fights back and gets to his feet, big cheers from the crowd. Lots of Flair chops and Michaels hits the backdrop. Crowd are cheering for a hot tag. Edge has Shawn’s foot and the pair chop for a while before Edge kicks Shawn in the face and tags in Orton, who crawls around like a damned snake. Almost… like a viper…

Shawn gets to his feet and we see an RKO but Shawn counters it! Hot tag builds again and both men tag in. Edge and Trips run the ropes and Trips cleans house, giving Edge a facebuster, giving Orton a spinebuster, attempting a pin on Orton despite the fact that he’s not legal. Trips has a hurt knee – a legit injury – and the match slows down as the guys talk about how much it hurts. An attempt at a Pedigree that fails. An attempt at an RKo that fails. Shawn hits the Sweet Chin Music as the men decide what to do. Edge goes to Trips but he kicks out. The match stops entirely. Randy and Edge speak in the corner. Trips avoids the spear, hops about the place, hits a single-leg Pedigree, goes for the cover but Edge kicks out. Shawn jumps in, gets a ref bump, gets the chair, busts Edge, busts Randy who blades like a boss. DX destroy Rated-RKO with steel chairs for a bit. Shawn asks Trips something and the Cerebral Assassin nods. Shawn begins to destroy the announce desk and apparently Edge has bladed too, though it is much more shallow than Randy’s.

Edge is on the announcer’s table, Randy is thrown on the other. Trips goes to Pedigree Edge but the table doesn’t break, according to JR, the table, “didn’t give a damn.” Shawn elbow drops Randy. It’s a fucking massacre. Shawn starts to dance. Randy is bleeding badly. Shawn and Trips hug and their music hits. They take the belts (despite not winning them legit) and celebrate. We see a replay for the bad spinebuster and how Trips’ knee crumbles underneath him. Three blade jobs in one improvised match. Not bad. I guess the match ends in an unofficial no contest in 23:20.

2016 comments:

Great improvised finish made better by Randy’s mental blade job. It would have been better if the officials had come out to break it up, caused a schmoz and justified that out of character ref bump by HBK though.

2006 comments:

Blood, blood, gallons of the stuff!

Grade: A-

On the Card will return on January 21 2017 with the third and final part of New Year’s Revolution 2007.

Ruthless Aggression #10. Survivor Series (Nov 26 2006) Full review

The Ruthless Aggression Era was a time when the WWE roster was so huge and so varied that they had no way of continuing storylines each week on their two main shows – RAW and Smackdown – and so they created the draft where wrestlers and announcers would be drafted onto either one of the two shows. Smackdown wrestlers would not (usually) be able to appear on Raw or interact with Raw wrestlers and vice versa.

Ten years ago, on November 26, 2006, the twentieth annual Survivor Series aired. It was a WWE PPV, using a mixture of the RAW, Smackdown! and ECW brands, the first of its kind since Summerslam way back in August. Personally, the PPV came at a time where I had grown weary with professional wrestling, confused by the sheer number of wrestlers and unwilling to spend so much time per week watching hours of footage and trawling through shows, replays, promos and matches. I simply watched the PPVs. Over the next four weeks, I will review this PPV from the perspectives of a fan looking back at it after a decade as well as my original thoughts as a younger man watching it at the time.

Survivor Series 2006

No tagline this time either. The poster shows a skull with most of its teeth missing and tribal tattoos running up the side to join together in the shapes of Big Show, John Cena and King Booker T on its forehead. Ominous.

After ye olde wrasslin’ video, we are treated to a Survivor Series retrospective, showing huge schmoozes In the middle of the ring. We have Team RKO vs. Team DX. We have Mr. Kennedy vs. Undertaker for a First Blood match, Batista vs. Booker for the World Heavyweight championship. The next Survivor Series match is Team Big Show vs. Team Cena. Exciting stuff… in theory.

Big pyro in the Raw, Smackdown and ECW presented Survivor Series 2006. According to our first announcing team of Michael Tache n’ Soulpatch Cole and Cunt JBL, 17,893 souls are packed into the Wachovia Centre in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the land of the worst fans and a sandwich made of meat and cheese. An apparent 383,000 fans bought Survivor Series at home, a drop from the 400,000 the year previous and continuing a trend of dropping buys that peaked in 1998 and has not yet recovered.

Cole introduces Jerry “The King” Lawler and Jumpin’ Jim Ross. They speak for a while but fuck them because it’s time for the motherfucking Spanish Announcers, Hugo Savinovich and Carlos Cabrera. Cabrera legit forgets Jerry’s name because he says, “Gracias, Jim Ross, gracias… uh…. Senor,” and then turns to Savinovich and speaks in rapid Spanish to dispel the fact that he doesn’t know The King. As usual, Cabrera is sensible and Savinovich goes mental and has to be cut off by…

(Note: Before the PPV began, there was a dark match featuring Carlito and Charlie Haas. It lasted five minutes exactly and I am annoyed I missed it.)

It’s our girl, Lillian Garcia who introduces the first Survivor Series match and explains the rules: elimination-style match where someone can be eliminated the traditional way and the team with the last remaining members wins.

Ric Flair comes to the ring. No one seems to care.

Sgt. Slaughter comes with different music than usual and barely makes it to the ring before his music is cut.

Out comes the American Dream Dusty Rhodes and is clearly the most charismatic man in history.

Wait a minute… what is that…? Is that…?

HOLY SHITSNACKS IT’S FAAROOQ. He comes to the ring, blessedly, without Bradshaw and is addressed as Ron Simmons because the Fed were scared of Islam. Weren’t so scared when he was the leader of the Nation of Domination, were you, lads?

Out comes Arn motherfucking Anderson. What an absolute hero. I love Arn. He looks like a proto-wrassler, the one from whom all other wrestlers were formed.

Then the Spirit Squad come down. Shower of bastards, the lot of them. Now, there are five legends and five Spirit Squad members but Arn isn’t taking part, he’s on the outside, and so Mitch is excluded from the Spirit Squad match.

Survivor Series match: Team Legends (Ric Flair, Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes and Ron Simmons (w/ Arn Anderson)) def. The Spirit Squad (Kenny, Johnny, Nicky, Mikey (w/ Mitch)) via elimination in 10:31.

Ron starts off with Mikey and the latter attempts to shoulder barge the former and fails. Lovely lockup and Ron tosses Mikey. Mikey takes over with some great punches followed by a lovely powerslam from Ron. The rest of the Spirit Squad get involved and Ron takes them out. Mitch pulls on Ron’s leg and the two square off before Arn gets involved. The ref sees that Mitch was being a bit cheeky and so disqualifies him. Ron spinebusters Mikey, dragging him down the aisle and Arn is disqualified too. The crowd chant, “Bullshit!”

Slaughter and Nicky pop into the ring. USA chant starts up as Nicky Ziggler tries to salute Slaughter. Slaughter salutes, offers his hand and hits triple powerslams on Nicky. Apparently, Ron has been disqualified as well…? I missed that.

Ron Simmons has been apparently eliminated by countout in 1:54.

Dusty comes in, hits a weak arm bar and tags in Flair who chops away on Nicky’s chest, who bumps like a boss. Slaughter comes in, hits a lovely clothesline followed by a Cobra Clutch, to which the ref does my favourite spot, the lifting and the dropping of the hands. Johnny comes in, causing a disruption and rolling Slaughter over, plopping Nicky on him and he gets the pin.

Sgt. Slaughter has been eliminated by Nicky in 6:27.

Dusty is in and moving to Nicky instantly. He hits a great elbow and gets the pin.

Nicky has been eliminated by Dusty Rhodes in 6:54.

Mikey comes in to attack Dusty, pulling him into the corner and beating on him with the other members of the Spirit Squad. Kenny pops in, Dusty tries to walk it off and gets his comeback with great punches and an elbow to the face. Kenny forces the roll up and eliminates Dusty.

Dusty Rhodes has been eliminated by Kenny in 8:25.

Only Flair is left and Kenny drags him over to the Spirit Squad corner to take over. Flair gets beat on in the corner by… Mitch, I think. Or is it Mikey? It’s probably Mikey. Flair hits the inverted atomic drop and pins Mikey with his legs on the turnbuckle.

Mikey has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:13.

Two on one now with Kenny back in the match. The crowd are excited as Flair gets hit with a lovely back body drop. Flair gets hit by the Irish whip and Kenny ducks to hit another back body drop but Flair rolls it into an inside cradle and gets the pin.

Kenny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 9:49.

Kenny and Flair push each other until Johnny comes in. The pair slap each other silly and Flair attacks his knee, finally going for the figure four, to which he taps almost instantly.

Johnny has been eliminated by Ric Flair in 10:31. Ric Flair is the Sole Survivor!

2016 comments:

It’s a standard good vs. evil opener to get the crowd rallying behind the faces. Ten minutes is enough for this match. Any more would have been painful. I get that it’s nice to let the legends have a win, but what does it say when four geriatrics are better than the young bucks? I mean, does it mean to say that wrestlers get stronger as they age until they reach the cured leather of Ric Flair and become immortal?

2006 comments:

Fuck the Spirit Squad and fuck Ric Flair.

Grade: C

The Spirit Squad get their heat back by running in and beating on Flair.

Cole tells us about Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, apparently, despite the fact that everyone there hates everyone else.

Cut to promo showing [REDACTED] Benoit winning the US Championship. What a great guy. Chris tries to speak to Vicky about Chavo and his recent murder of Rey Mysterio’s leg. Vicky wanted to beat on Rey was well, but [REDACTED] ran in, saving Mysterio’s knee in the process. They bring up Eddie because God forbid we forget about him.

Chavo’s music hits and down he comes with Vicky. I like Vicky but she’s not a wrestler… or should be involved in wrestling at all. Chavo, according to a sign in the crowd, stinks.

[REDACTED]’s music hits and down he comes. The announcers mention Eddie’s estate, which is a bad show all together. Let the man stay dead, Chris Almighty.

WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Chavo Guerrero (w/ Vicky Guerrero) via submission in 8:19.

Benoit starts off with some heavy punches followed by a body slam. Absolutely no time wasted here. Bossman slam and pin attempt. Benoit is throwing Chavo about as Cunt JBL has a go at the [REDACTED] one. Each shot from Benoit is sold so well including the lovely suplex. More pin attempts. More fails. Vicky is clapping and cheering for Chavo and it helps as Chavo takes over, hammering on Benoit in the corner. Good man yourself.

Chavo lifts up Benoit and it is twisted into a Crossface but Vicky grabs Chavo’s foot and places it on the rope to break the hold. Lovely backdrop from Benoit followed by Chavo throwing him shoulder-first into the turnbuckle. Chavo hits a lovely side suplex but then there’s a bit of rest holds so we can show the play. Chavo is stretching Benoit’s shoulder and the pair struggle for a while before Benoit lifts Chavo up for the Samoan Drop followed by a dropkick and another close two-count.

A great uppercut from Chavo leads to Benoit on the mat. Benoit hits triple German Suplexes and calls for the diving headbutt. Vicky is up to no good at the turnbuckle but the diving headbutt misses as Chavo rolls out of the way. Chavo hammers away on Benoit, hits a lovely vertical suplex, goes to the top rope, hits the frog splash and a two count.

Ah ha! Take that, you bastard!

Benoit is still in and the crowd are chanting for Eddie. Benoit goes for the Sharpshooter and as Chavo kicks him off, Benoit hits Vicky who was on the apron. In the confusion, Chavo is hit with the Crippler Crossface and submits in 8:19.

2016 comments:

Great match from our man [REDACTED] which makes it ever harder for the following months to take.

2006 comments:

Chavo and Vicky are dicks.

Grade: A

Cunt JBL claims Benoit hit Vicky on purpose. Ohhh, lighten up you droning arse. He calls him a son of a bitch as well. Cheeky rascal. Benoit retains and Chavo stinks, still.

Backstage, we have Edge and Lita being interviewed by Todd Grisham. Lita is still going to retire after the match tonight. She could either retire a heel champ or drop the title in Philly. Edge drops some sort of sports reference. Edge begins to cut a promo but in the background, Cryme Tyme are sneaking into Lita’s dressing room with a box. They leave a minute later with a box filled with underwear and threaten Todd, saying, “You ain’t seen nothin’!”

Back in the arena, Mickie James skips to the ring. Very exciting stuff. Bit upsetting that last month, we lost Trish and now we lose Lita, arguably two of the best female wrestlers of their generation and certainly the best in the Fed until the Four Horsewomen turned up.

Lita appears after Lillian gives her a particularly long pause in her intro. She comes down, heelish and smug, gives the belt over and competes in her final match.

WWE Women’s Championship Match: Mickie James def. Lita (c) via pin 8:18.

Given only one second less than the United States championship match, this better be wonderful. Lita starts by taunting Mickie and gets a drop-toe hold and some dodgy punches for her effort. Jerry is being a bit disgusting about Mickie as she takes a bad bump into the corner. JR states that Philly are not Lita fans, which makes no sense as they hate everything. Trish is name-dropped and Jerry makes a diaphragm joke as nothing of interest happens in the ring.

JR bigs up Lita and her innovation including the Litacanrana. Lovely side-Russian leg sweep from Lita but she only gets the two. The Philly crowd call Lita a crack whore. Nice, Philly crowd. Lovely suplex in response but only a two-count. Lita jumps on Mickie’s back and attempts the sleeper hold but Mickie rolls away from her and gets to the ropes. Lita goes to the top rope with a cross-body but Mickie rolls away. Lita is lying in the ring and Mickie goes to the top-rope, receiving a backdrop for her effort. The Philly crowd tell us Lita has herpes. Punches in the ring and a great bunch of clotheslines followed by boots and a great kick but gets only a two-count. Fisherman suplex gets the same result. Bunch of false finishes and Lita goes top-rope again. JR accidentally calls her top-rope moonsault a Litacanrana like a goose.

Mickie escapes a DDT and gets the pin for a two-count. Lita attempts a roll-up and gets the same. Two more close roll-ups before Mickie James hits Lita with a jumping DDT for the pin in 8:18.

2016 comments:

A shame that that was Lita’s last match.

2006 comments:

Cryme Tyme are dicks.

Grade: C

JR says, “Lita, finishing her career on her back.” Lillian is invited to the ring by Lita and she gets called the greatest women’s champion of all time, receiving only boos. She gets the mic and starts rambling for a while, calls herself disgusted and cannot think of a better crowd to leave in front of. Then Cryme Tyme come out with Lita’s underwear in a box. They say they’re wanting a tribute sale but then change it to “ho-sale” and a damned fan actually buys some. Christ of almighty. They take out yeast infection medication. Hilarious. They go for JBL and he gives them $100 for her panties. They take his money and throw the panties into the crowd. Cryme Tyme take out a dildo and this joke got old about five minutes ago. They run out of stuff and sell the box. Lita is upset mid-ring and the line has been crossed.

JBL shouts nonsense and is clearly having some sort of embolism on air. Man should be put down. Cut to a pre-recorded interview between Cole and Batista. Cole reminds him that he lost his championship eleven months ago due to injury. Batista is silent. Cole asks him if he has any reason to believe that tonight will be different to all other championship matches. Cole reminds him that tonight is his final chance to get Booker’s championship. They show the contract signing where Booker predictably attacked Batista. Back in the interview, big Drax the Destroyer just stares ahead before finally taking off his glasses, looking Cole square in the eyes and tells him that he is leaving tonight World Heavyweight Champion.

Cut to a statue of Rocky Balboa of Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V, Balboa and Creed fame.

Out come the Hardys to their rockin’ music. They’re part of Team DX but known as Team Extreme… Or is it Teem X-Treem? I give up.

Who is this motherfucker? It’s Chick Magnet Punk! Coming out to his generic Killswitch Engage This Fire Burns music, not the old Cult of Personality. He’s shouting at the crowd and hopping so he must be face. He gives the Hardys double high-tens.

Are you ready? The crowd is… ready for a fucking seizure with their strobe lighting effects and weird video. Trips and Michaels come out for their 9th and 14th Survivor Series appearance respectively. Team DX is complete and crotch chop to show so. Are they going to spend, like, twenty minutes spouting the same old shite off to the crowd?

Wait, why are the face team coming out first? No time to consider that, Trips has a microphone. Best go to the loo now, so.

Trips wants to hear the crowd and he and Shawn have duelling crowd-points and cheers including Hardys and CM Punk. Jerry asks, “Does it seem like everyone’s ready?” The crowd fucking chant for CM Punk and Trips steals his thunder by handing him the mic. Punk asks the crowd if they are ready and Trips runs off before they really have a chance to answer. Trips bigs up the talent in the ring. Trips does that hateful “llllllet’s get ready to suuuuuck it,” shite while Shawn reminds them that if they’re not down with that… they’re going to suck it anyway. Wrestling is so silly sometimes.

Johnny Nitro’s music hits and out he comes with Melina. K-Fed is mentioned as going one-on-one with Cena on Raw.

Out comes my boy Gregory Helms, the longest-reigning champion in sports entertainment. I love The Hurricane.

Mike Knox comes out, making his debut. Kelly Kelly is there too, wearing not much.

The World Tag Team Champions, Edge and Randy Orton slide in and Jerry tells us that business has just picked up. There are three long coats in the ring just now – Edge, Nitro and Hurricane.

I remember looking at this match and thinking, “Christ alive, look at all those amazing lads! This is going to be terrific!” I won’t lie to you… I feel similar just now.

Survivor Series match: Team DX (Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy and Triple H) def. Team Rated-RKO (Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox and Gregory Helms (w/ Kelly Kelly and Melina)) via elimination in 11:30.

The bell rings and we all wonder who is going to be first in the ring. Knowing that this is essentially a Triple H and Shawn Michaels vs. Edge and Randy Orton match with some lovely tasty flavouring to the side, it makes sense that they start it off, take a sideline and then just watch for a while until the end.

And wouldn’t you know it, Trips starts off, wanting to see Kelly Kelly’s tits. She goes to the apron, ready to show (as Shawn comically averts his eyes) and Mike Knox takes offence to this. Shawn superkicks him, goes for the pin and…

Mike Knox has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 40 seconds.

I say. Good show. Shawn walks to Trips and asks, “Who was that?” He asks some other questions.

Shot to the outside and a hilarious look from Mike and Kelly Kelly. He has fire in his eyes and she has this wee smile that seems to say, “Whoops.” Actually made me laugh.

Inside, Shawn and Nitro go head-to-head. Lovely running of the ropes from these two men. Shawn slides outside, puts his arm around Melina and she relaxes… until she realises that it’s Shawn and screams. Shawn slides in and takes our boy Jeff who does nothing and tags Fat Matt in for the Team Extreme Double Team. Helms jumps in, punches Matt for a while is thrown off the turnbuckle. Edge is in, stomping a mudhole in Hardy, throwing up the Hardy sign and tagging Helms back in. In comes Randy – Christ, it’s a revolving door out there – and Matt is bust open, bleeding from the mouth. Melina screams as Nitro pops in. Matt hits Nitro with the Side Effect and goes for the hot tag on CM Punk.

Punk uses high knees a lot followed by a bulldog and attempts a sleeper but is reversed. He tries again, gets the Anaconda Vice in and Nitro taps out.

Johnny Nitro has been eliminated by CM Punk in 4:54.

Melina is upset and both women are now leaving the arena. Edge is in, beating Punk in the corner. Punk goes for the ten-count and Helms distracts the ref as Randy attacks Punk. Randy tags in with a lovely dropkick, tags Helms in and he gives Punk the Gator Roll. Helms hits Punk with the double knees and Randy pops in again. Punches are shared and Randy gives Punk the RKO. He goes for the pin and Shawn pops in to break the pin. Edge is in, desperate for the spear but misses Punk and hits the turnbuckle. Hot tag for Trips and he cleans house, knocking Helms down with the high knee, followed by Randy then Helms again. Edge pops in to break up the Pedigree. Jeff and Shawn come in and hit stereo suicide dives. Fat Matt Hardy is in, bloody mouth and all, hits the Twist of Fate on Helms followed by the Swanton by Jeff and the pin.

Gregory Helms has been eliminated by Matt Hardy in 9:23.

Randy and Edge are outside the ring with their belts in hand. They climb to the apron and decide not to go inside. Big boos from the crowd followed by the Hardys dragging them back in. Trips and Shawn beat on them and everyone gets a shot on Edge before Shawn Sweet Chin Musics him for the pin.

Edge has been eliminated by Shawn Michaels in 10:35.

Randy is the sole survivor on his team and he has just realised it. He attempts to leave via the audience and Punk, Matt and Jeff chase after him. He goes into the ring, gets a Sweet Chin Music, a Pedigree and goes down for the pin.

Randy Orton has been eliminated by Triple H in 11:30. It is a clean sweep for Team DX!

2016 comments:

An okay match, but it’s basically a comedy matchup, isn’t it? All it needed was ball shots.

2006 comments:

Needed more Hardy.

Grade: B

As the boys celebrate mid-ring. Jerry wonders if this is the first clean sweep in Survivor Series history. I can only think of one other that happened before 2006 and that was the 1993 Survivor Series with Four Doinks.

The announce team reverts to Cole and JBL. Shite. Promo for the First Blood match. This is the eighth First Blood match in WWE history and the second last ever, probably. Stone Cold was in three, this is the Undertaker’s third as well. Kennedy bigs up our man The Undertaker and his sixteen years of wrestling. Taker came out and Kennedy beat him, busting him open with the microphone. Taker sat up, though, because he’s awesome. He has seen the best, fought the best and beaten the best. He has sneaked up behind men and poured blood on them like that bit in Carrie. He’s an absolute headcase.

Backstage, Kennedy is staring into middle distance. Kristal is interviewing him and asks him if he has any thoughts. Kennedy says that this match is the biggest match of his carrier. MVP appears and points out the Vaseline on Kennedy’s head to stop him getting “cracked open”. He pledges his allegiance to Kennedy.

Tony Chimel does a Lillian and introduces the match that everyone understands the stipulation of.

Kennedy comes out, very serious and very scared. He goes straight to a turnbuckle and starts removing the protective covering from them. The mic comes down and reminds everyone of his name. Twice. Idiot.

Undertaker’s bell goes and the Deadman comes out. Kennedy continues to remove the protective covering from the turnbuckles. Taker walks super slow because why would he move quickly? Waste of energy if you ask me. It’s times like this that you miss big Paul Bearer. That was a man who could dress the Undertaker like a motherfucker.

First Blood match: Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via haemorrhaging in 09:15

Kennedy slides outside and Undertaker circles the ring. Taker knocks Kennedy down and tosses him outside. He knocks Kennedy against the announce table. It must be difficult to have a First Blood match when bleeding happens accidentally all the time. Kennedy is in the audience now, harassing the fans. Taker is giving Kennedy mad licks here, smashing him about the race loads. Taker is thrown against the steel steps and the cameraman gets involved by mistake. Silly cameraman.

Charles Robinson is the ref of this match and watches as Undertaker throws Kennedy into the steel post, bouncing him off the announce table once again. JBL points out that Taker is going for Kennedy’s ribs, which is not the way you want to go to make someone bleed, really. Taker goes to the top rope with Kennedy and hits the superplex, which is great but not where you go if you want blood. Kennedy hits the low blow because he’s a cunt. Taker busts Kennedy with the unprotected turnbuckle. JBL mentions that men can also bleed internally, which is true.

Kenny is bleeding from his mouth and, oh, he’s bleeding internally, just like JBL said. But Little Naitch has seen nothing. MVP turns up to clean up the blood and rolls Kennedy back in. Little payback there for you. Taker continues to beat on Kennedy in the corner. JBL tells us that you do not bleed internally unless something is wrong. He then questions why anyone would sanction this type of match. The action pauses while we see if Taker is bleeing. MVP pops in with the steel chair and after a coffuffle, he accidentally hits Taker with a chair, busting him wide open. Naitch pops back in, sees the blood and calls the match in 9:15.

2016 comments:

Weak, weak, weak match. Not smart, very boring.

2006 comments:

That’s some blood. When did Taker blade?

Grade: C

The bell rings as Kennedy beats on Taker. He calls down the microphone and tells the audience that he is the winner. Undertaker grips his throat mid-Kennedy and attacks Kennedy in the corner. He gets the steel chair and busts Kennedy so hard I actually winced. The crowd chant “Holy shit!” and Kennedy is now bust open on the announcers table. Taker pulls Kennedy by his pants, botches a Tombstone Piledriver, removes his gloves and punches Kennedy with his exposed fists. JBL gives off for a while. Undertaker’s music plays and Taker gets the chair to hit Kennedy again but throws it down when Little Naitch removes Kennedy from the ring.

Replays of the infamous chair shots and botched Tombstone. Undertaker raises his hand on the ramp.

Backstage, Sharmell and Booker T remind us that this is Batista’s last chance match. Booker is mispronouncing words in an attempt to speak with an English accent. He says, “world,” like, “waaahl!”

MVP’s music hits and he walks to the ring with little fanfare, looking over his shoulder as his pyro hits… but only one flame keeps burning. JBL tells us that he is looking over his shoulder because of the last match. Yeah. We get it, Bradshaw.

Test’s music hits and HOLY FUCK IT’S ROIDY MAGOOOOO! I love Test, but I hate his body shape and his mental bachne. The man is dead. Look at that huge roid belly. Christ. Legend has it that his name is because he failed a roid test.

Umaga comes out with Armanda Alejandro Estrada.

Finlay follows with his shillelagh and it is removed from him by some crazy officials.

Big Show comes out very slowly. He is the ECW world champion and is the only man to have won ECW, WCW and WWE championships.

Rob Van Dam’s music hits and down he comes, stoned as all hell.

Sabu’s music hits and RVD actually does his point. Cheeky. Sabu is great. Let’s see what he botches today.

Bobby Lashley comes out, gets hit by pyro and his shoulder veins are mental. Jesus, the testosterone in this match.

Kane’s pyro hits and he comes out slowly… does he have a pierced bellybutton? It looks pierced.

The Champ Is Here! It’s my man John Cena! Look at him, all happy and shit. I love Cena. He raps his own theme song. Two fans in the front row also love Cena as Umaga is freaking out over the lights and music. Jesus, it must be awful for him. Poor buck. I love how they let Cena’s music go until the first chorus before they cut it off.

Survivor Series match: Team Cena (John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu and Rob Van Dam) def. Team Show (Big Show, Test, Montel Vontavious Porter, Finlay and Umaga (w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada) via elimination in 12:35.

Umaga squares off against Cena and the Samoan hits our boy with a few punches before knocking Sabu and RVD off the apron. Cena clotheslines Umaga out and goes on Finlay. On the outside, Umaga is messing with a monitor, runs in and cracks everyone with it, disqualifying himself like an idiot. Schmoz soon follows.

Umaga has been disqualified in 58 seconds.

He doesn’t even make it to the one-minute mark. What an idiot. In the ring, Bobby and Kane throw everyone out until order is resumed. Finlay and RVD face off but roid-belly Test jumps in. Test catches RVD’s jump off the turnbuckle and Finlay comes in to work on Van Dam. The crowd are chanting for RVD but that doesn’t stop Finlay… and it certainly doesn’t stop a douche in the crowd doing Hulk Hogan poses.

MVP is in and RVD is bleeding from the mouth. Lots of blood tonight. JR tells us that Van Dam has “educated feet”, which is definitely a phrase I will be using in the future. Van Dam springs about until Test runs in and is thrown out. Finlay takes a wicked kick to the head and Show takes one to the knee. Bacne Test drags Van Dam out and tosses him against the ring post. In the ring, Kane slips in and chokeslams MVP. Van Dam hits the five-star frogsplash on MVP and pins him for the elimination.

MVP has been eliminated by RVD in 5:31.

Test fires in, gives ould RVD the big boot and eliminates him.

RVD has been eliminated by Test in 5:47.

Sabu slides in, hits the schoolboy on Test and Test botches the kickout but it doesn’t count. On the outside, Bobby spears Test and Sabu hits the leg drop over the rope, DDT and finally the pin.

Test has been eliminated by Sabu in 6:19.

Sabu points to the sky. Big Show pops in, hits the body slam and eliminates Sabu.

Sabu has been eliminated by Big Show in 6:35.

Kane and Show face off. Show goes to chokeslam Kane and the pair hold each other’s necks for some time. Hornswoggle slides in, stands between the two and disappears back under the ring. Finlay runs in, hits Kane with the shillelagh, allowing Big Show to finish the chokeslam and get the pin.

Kane has been eliminated by Big Show in 7:26.

And now it’s two-on-two: Cena and Bobby vs. Show and Finlay. Cena runs in, beating on Show and getting a huge powerslam for his effort. Finlay jumps in and leg drops Cena’s belly for some reason. Finaly harasses Lashley and as the ref is distracted, Big Show beats on Cena and bullies him. Huge slaps to Cena’s chest. Absolutely monstrous. Finlay is tagged in and a great shoulder barge to Cena. Finlay goes to Bret’s rope, but it is countered by Cena. Hot tag to Bobby and a fisherman’s suplex that Show interrupts. Show runs in and Cena and Lashley double-team him but he double-teams them on his own!

The Hornswoggle comes in and it all goes to hell for a while and in the mix, Finlay is pinned.

Finlay has been eliminated by Bobby Lashley in 10:28.

Big Show and Lashley fight once the little bastard leaves. Cena is tagged in to huge boos and a double DDT on Big Show for a two-count. Cena attempts to suplex the Big Show and Lashley comes over to help. Cena goes for the Five-Knuckle-Shuffle and gets mad boos once again. Show goes to chokeslam Cena but Lashley spears him. Cena then give Show a monstrous FU and gets the pin.

Big Show has been eliminated by John Cena in 12:35. The survivors are John Cena and Boby Lashley!

2016 comments:

Not amazing. Some very fast eliminations but none of them are very exciting, sadly.

2006 comments:

SuperCena.

Grade: C

Cena and Lashley celebrate. During the replay we see that one fan just had his fingers in the air, shaking his head and saying, “no, no, no,” to himself like a mental smark.

Back to JBL and Cole as we approach the main event: Batista versus King Booker for the World Heavyweight Championship.

Bit of a promo where people say “all Hail King Booker,” a lot. Batista comes off as a real babyface here as he drags his way through a shitty promo. Big music in the background for these two men, making it seem like a real hero vs villain affair.

Teddy Long is talking to the ring with his mad arms waving. He reminds the crowd that Batista signed the “royal declaration”, which is apparently legally binding. Teddy says that he is adding an extra stipulation: titles can now change hands on the count-out or DQ… at least if it happens to King Booker. JBL tells us: “We are going to have a winner or we will have a loser tonight.” Fucking idiot.

Batista comes out, running and hitting his big babyface pop with the pyro. Someone has a sign that says, “We want Lesnar.” No. No one wants Lesnar.

King Booker’s music comes on… and we have confetti? Gold confetti? Is Goldust in the house? Oh, man, if Goldust turned up here I would lose my shit. I love me some Goldust.

Batista, obviously infuriated with King Booker’s blatant infringement of Goldust’s gimmick, runs out and beats on him in the aisle. Both men make their way to the ring and the bell has not even started the match yet! Get in the ring, boys, c’mon! You’re letting the side down. The ref tells them both to get into the ring and the bell finally calls.

Last Chance match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Batista def. King Booker (c) (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pinfall in 13:58.

Batista goes for the pin right away but fails to get anything other than a kickout. Booker takes over and is quickly beat upon by the Animal. They go around the corners for a while and a great suplex in the middle of the ring by Batista forces Booker to roll out of the ring and consider leaving before he remembers that a countout will result in him losing the match. He goes back in and is quickly worked on by Batista who awkwardly hits a ribreaker. JBL threatens that this match may go on for thirty minutes. Let’s hope that it does not. Booker drops Batista on his neck and works him over.

Booker hits a slingshot on Batista, ramming his throat into the bottom rope. He then hits the superkick but gets only a three count for his efforts. Booker cracks Batista a few times in the corner and Sharmell shouts his name. Brilliant heel. Best heel.

Batista gives Booker a handful of slaps and hits a great jackhammer cuplex in the middle of the ring. Goldust is lying everywhere. He’s been here. Batista catches Booker with a swinging Bossman Slam. Batista and Booker fight on the apron and as Booker is thrown in, Sharmell grips Batista’s foot, distracting him enough for Booker to superkick him into the barricade. Batista’s head is bounced off the steel steps and Batista is rolled back in the ring. Booker goes for the pin with his foot on the rope but gets only a two.

Booker is in control as JBL calls Teddy Long a racist because he dislikes Booker. Black on black crime, huh?

Booker hits the jumping kick but still fails to get the pin on Batista. The announcers are reminding the audience of the stipulations as Sharmell is riling up the crowd. Batista gets mental chants as he climbs to his feet and finally beats on Booker, taking over and hitting a belly-to-belly suplex on the King. Booker takes some wonderfully powerful clotheslines and a big boot to the face that knocks him out of the ring. Batista takes the time to throw Booker into the steel steps. Batista rolls back into the ring then goes to the top rope to hit the shoulder barge. A big man actually hits a top-rope move! What?!

A huge spinebuster gets only a two-count. It’s heating up now as Booker hits the Bookend but Batista kicks out at two. Booker’s mouth is bust but Batista hits the Batista bomb, goes for the pin in one, two, Booker kicks out. Sharmell slides over, hands Booker the title. Batista goes to hit Sharmell with the Batista Bomb and Booker attempts to hit him with the title. Batista ducks the attack, takes the belt, cracks booker with it and wins the championship in 13:58.

2016 comments:

I, for once, agree with JBL: this is a hollow victory.

2006 comments:

Did… Did Batista just turn heel?

Grade: B

Batista is happy about winning but the success seems empty, somehow. Even the crowd feel the same, with little being excited over this. Shameful way to end the PPV.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: No matches were wonderful except for the one with [REDACTED] Benoit so he wins it.

Woman of the Matches: The women’s match was crap but Lita retired so I will pick her.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Jesus Christ, John Cena’s FU to Big Show.

Hatches: Mike Knox, Arn Anderson, Ron Simmons, Test.

Matches: [REDACTED] Benoit retained his WWE United States Championship, Mickie James won the WWE Women’s Championship for the second time, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the second time.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Previous Men of the Matches: Shawn Michaels.

Nominated for Man of the Matches: John Cena, Edge, Carlito and [REDACTED] Benoit, [REDACTED] Benoit.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… [REDACTED] Benoit for being a great lad in the ring.

Previous Women of the Matches: Queen Sharmell.

Nominated for Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Trish Stratus for being terrific.

Closing Statements: Survivor Series 2006 was a weak, weak PPV with very little exciting matches and its only real draws were the star-studded elimination matches that were about five minutes too long.

On the Card will return on December 3 2016 with the ECW PPV December to Dismember 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #9. Cyber Sunday (Nov 5, 2006) Part 2

Previously on On the Card: Cryme Tyme stole the show… and Jerry’s laptop.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is working a different laptop, tapping keys seemingly at random. He does not computer well. Triple H turns up and they roll through a ham-fisted explanation of the stipulations for their match. Shawn is attempting to vote on the computer but his illiteracy stops him. Trips points out that Mr. McMahon’s head-up-Big-Show’s-arse ratio is too high for him to be special referee in their match. Trips then says that they don’t want Coachman either as Cena beat him up last week and, “the bloom is pretty much off that rose… as if it wasn’t when we stuck his head through a wall and spraypainted DX on his pimply butt.” Shawn agrees. That leaves Eric Bischoff, who Trips claims believes that he is controversial. It also conspires that Bischoff said DX don’t know the meaning of the word controversial. Shawn disagrees. Trips doubles down: Bischoff said Shawn specifically doesn’t know the meaning of the word. Shawn is apoplectic: He put Bret Hart in a Sharpshooter. Montral Screwjob reference! Shawn points out that Trips is controversial as he married old what’s-her-name. Shawn turns to a backstage helper, asks his name (it’s Stan) and superkicks him there and then to prove his controversy. He then superkicks two other men as he storms off, ranting and raving.

Cut to the official theme music of Cyber Sunday, Disciple’s “Scars Remain”.

The Hardy’s music plays and we are treated to the least-talented but crazier of the two: Jeff! He appears, strung out and high-fives all his fans. The Intercontinental title is on the line… but against whom?

Todd and Maria wonder what it is like to be Jeff Hardy right now. The choices are Carlito, Shelton Benjamin or Johnny Nitro. Carlito is tossing an apple. Shelton is praying. Johnny is posing the results are in… 62% for Carlito! Sweet Christmas pudding! Only 13% for Nitro and the other 25% go to Shelton. What a win for the man who doesn’t know whether to spit or swallow. Over 14 million votes cast worldwide.

His music plays and he comes out. JR considers that 62% is a big number and that any politician would love to have that numbers in their approval rating. Jeff is not happy to fight Carlito at all. Carlito places his apple below the turnbuckle and the championship is held high as the bell rings.

Intercontinental Championship match: Jeff Hardy (c) def. Carlito via pin in 13:21.

JR is talking about Pat Patterson as Carlito offers his hand to Jeff. He shakes it and offers a clap. The two men lock up and there’s a lovely snapmare followed by a number of combinations and pins. Because both men are faces, this has to be a good-old-fashioned wrestling match. Hardy knocks Carlito to the ground and there is a botch as Carlito goes to jump over Hardy but Jeff doesn’t duck like a goose. Carlito dropkicks Jeff’s knee and then taunts him with Hardy’s finger-salute before hitting a lovely suplex. Jeff dropkicks Carlito to the abdomen and we see that the two faces are becoming a bit heelish. Carlito hits the springboard moonsault on Hardy and is rocked outside followed by a baseball slide. Jeff runs the barricades but another dropkick sends him to the ground.

Hardy chants rise as the two men go into the ring. Jeff hits a ten count on the turnbuckle and Carlito counters a Vader-Bomb style slingshot splash. Full nelson city over here in the middle of the ring. Jeff fights back and hits a jawbreaker, almost getting the Twist of Fate but Carlito escapes it. Close pins and JR complains that they’re using too much energy. That’s a very old person complaint to make, JR. Full nelson city again in the centre of the ring. JR then cuts a wee promo for Cyber Sunday. Carlito hits a leg drop and almost gets the three. More full nelsons. Mike Chioda, the ref in charge here is not very happy with this time wasting. Jeff fights back and gets a flapjack on his face for his effort. Silly Hardy. Another close 2-count.

Lovely backbreaker and another close 2-count followed by… CHIN LOCK CITY. So many rest holds up in here. What are you guys, hourly? Come on. Carlito and Jeff both sell a drop as it they were both on the receiving end of it. Confusion. Lovely running neckbreaker from our man Hardy and Jeff hits a sit-out facebuster suplex, popping to the top rope for a Swanton but Carlito gets the knees up just in time. Devastating. Carlito hits a springboard spinning somersault followed by a springboard moonsault and gets Jeff up to hit the springboard lariat. Jeff fights back, runs up the turnbuckle for a Whisper in the Wind. He pops to the other turnbuckle but Carlito is up before Jeff can dive. They’re setting up for a super hurricanrana but it is countered and Jeff hits the Swanton for the pin in 13:21

2016 comments:

Lovely little match with a few too many rest holds and repetitive moves that lose their high-flying edge when performed flawlessly over and over again. We can be impressed by someone’s athleticism without having to see them do the same move the entire match.

2006 comments:

Absolutely great. I have grown into a huge Carlito mark all of a sudden.

Grade: A-

One little blonde girl in the audience goes fucking apeshit at the win. Jeff raises his hands, celebrates and goes out the winner. Interesting how this could be a springboard (excuse the pun) for a lovely feud between the two fan-favourites, leading to a potential heel-turn for one of them, but it could easily be a one-off due to the nature of Cyber Sunday.

Jerry still has no laptop. JR introduces the next match and we’re shown a recap of the events of the last few weeks. Randy Orton became a guest on Edge’s Cutting Edge. Edge asks some difficult questions and reminds them of Trips betraying him. Edge reminds him that Shawn Michaels betrayed Edge. Randy and Edge are best friends now… or at least realise that the enemy of their enemy is their friend. Edge and Randy dress up like DX in a sad attempt to out-prank the super pranksters. We have a special guest referee for this match – Bischoff, the Coach or Vince. All have a problem with DX so Rated-RKO have an advantage either way. Both teams are dirty-no-good-double-crossers.

Back in the arena, thousands get Porygon-style epileptic fits from the DX intro. I love the DX theme, though. It’s a bit too slow for me, but it never gets old and sounds like Rage Against the Machine. In the middle of the ring, they hit the X signs for three chops of pyro. Lovely. Shawn does a lap of honour and is gassed before the match even begins. The two men play the crowd off each other for a while as they clearly have nothing better to do.

Trips begs the crowd to be silent, yet they will not. Their voices will be heard. He asks the crowd if they are ready and asks again as the first answer isn’t good enough. Trips hits his, “Let’s get ready to suck it!” bit and Shawn asks, “If you’re not down with that-“ the crowd pre-empt him and Trips tells them off.

Todd and Maria have a little back and forth. Maria says she voted for Vince because she doesn’t want to be fired. She pretends she’s a dopey woman but she’s not. She’s shrewd as shit. The choices are (if you have been dozing the last hour) Eric Bischoff (the kind of controversy), Jonathan “the Coach” Coachman (fool), Vince McMahon (the chairman of the board). The winner is… Eric Bischoff with 60% of the vote! The Coach and Vince got 20% each! Whaaat. The man himself walks down in his WWE ref gear. He walks around the ring, unable to get in, seemingly.

Randy’s music hits and out he comes, hitting his Legend Killer pose on the Titantron, stopping mid-stride to wait for Edge. Jesus, these themes are amazing, aren’t they? Probably the two best theme songs of this generation, I’d say.

That’s right, I said it.

The two enter the ring slowly. JR and Jerry wonder how much experience Bischoff has had as a ref. He rings the bell and the match begins.

Tag Team match with Special Guest Referee Eric Bischoff: Rated-RKO (Edge and Randy Orton) def. D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) via pin in 18:11.

JR talk for a bit about how awesome DX are as the pranksters rock-paper-scissors to start the match. It’s Michaels and Edge, staring off and looking into each other’s eyes before they lock up. Fun fact: on the DVD I’m watching this on, the DX vs. Rated-RKO chapter starts at around 49 minutes and they finally lock up 1 hour, 4 minutes in. That’s fifteen minutes of promos, entrances and set up before a match. What?

JR chastises DX for not taking Edge and Orton seriously. Why would they? DX are funny lads and like a laugh. Edge takes a couple of bumps and Shawn sunset flips over him, making Edge Aloha-Arn for a while before Shawn pulls down Edge’s shorts, exposing his arse for a spanking. Humiliated, Edge takes quite a beating and HHH is tagged in. Trips climbs to the top rope, getting a huge pop for it… and just climbs down and into the ring. What? He punches the hell out of Edge’s face and gets a thumb in the eye for his effort. Randy is tagged in and takes over, throwing Trips into the corner, which he explodes out of. Trips hits a lovely delayed suplex, almost a brainbuster by the looks of it.

A knee to the face and Randy is reeling. Shawn is in and it’s his turn to beat on Randy with a Flair chop. Trips is back in and Randy throws him into the corner, tagging Edge in. Rated-RKO double team Trips with a lovely dropkick. Trips attempts to take over but Edge stays in control. Bischoff is being a great ref just now. I hardly remembered that it was him. Randy is being on Trips in the corner. Stomping a mudhole in Trips and walking it dry. JR considers whether it is legal or not to have such an extended attack upon someone in the corner. Trips stops a flying attack with a boot to Edge’s gut followed by a lovely DDT.

Hot tag to Shawn and he’s jumping around, hitting a kip-up followed by two atomic drops, going to one corner, deciding that it’s the wrong corner and going to the other one for the elbow drop. He tunes up the band but as the crowd count along, Orton slithers up from behind, pulls at his legs and Shawn’s balls are crunch on the ring post. Super slow count from Bischoff. Randy is in now, beating on Shawn. Another slow count. It’s almost like Bischoff doesn’t want Rated-RKO to win. Surely that’s nepotism. Trips runs in after Edge and Bischoff goes to chastise him as the heels beat on Shawn. Lovely dropkick by Edge, slow pin, rest hold city. Shawn struggles to his feet and tries to get to the hot tag, flips Edge over but the Rated-R Superstar turns it into a sunset flip. More Aloha-Arning from Shawn, into a pin and a two count.

Randy is in now with a lovely dropkick and another slow two-count. Rest hold city from the man himself. It lasts forever, by the way. JR considers that it is difficult to do Sweet Chin Music when lying on your back. Michaels is up, Flair chopping away at Orton, who retaliates with a backbreaker, really selling it as well. Edge is in, begging for Shawn to stand up for the spear but when the time finally comes, Michaels sidesteps and Edge spears Bischoff. A lovely enziguri from Michaels and both men are down. Hot tag is building up here and Randy and Trip comes in. Trips clears house, hits the high knee on Orton and the knee drop on Edge. Lovely spinebuster, leading into a Pedigree which is ruined by a spear from Edge. Michaels tosses Edge out and hits the suicide dive. Orton is on the floor, hits Trips with the RKO and goes for the pin. A new referee slides in, hits the one-two-thr- TRIPS KICKS OUT BAH GAWD.

Randy is getting ready for another RKO, sweat dripping from his nose. The RKO is countered, pushed into Shawn’s Sweet Chin Music and Trips covers but the pin is interrupted by Bischoff who pulls the ref out. As Shawn goes to kill Bischoff, Edge cracks him with a steel chair. Edge rolls into the ring, Trips dodges the chair, goes for the Pedigree on Edge but Orton has the chair now and hits a lovely chair shot to the head followed by an RKO on said chair for the pin in 18:11.

2016 comments:

Nice wee match, bit too long, especially near the end leading up to the spotfest. The finishing moves didn’t get as much of a pop as I’d expected and the fact that Bischoff was in the ring made little difference to the match except for the ending.

2006 comments:

Who is Bischoff again and why do I suddenly hate him like I’d never really liked him ever?

Grade: A-

Randy’s great music hits and Bischoff raises Edge’s arm, remembers that he’s hurt, lifts Randy’s arm and Rated-RKO have a wee moment in the middle of the ring. Randy hits his Legend Killer pose and Edge hits… the DX sign? What? Wrestling makes little sense sometimes. The heels and ref leave as we see the highlights of the match. Surprised no one went the extra mile and bladed this match. I think this is the first one in a while where Trips hasn’t bled everywhere.

Cut to the damn Marine. Has it not come out yet? John Cena is hitting up his mental thug accent. What a guy, know’m’sayin’?

Back in the arena, JR is attempting a promo on the main event but it cuts backstage to show Lita congratulating Rated-RKO as they go to celebrate, still in their ring gear. They are asked by Todd whether their win is tainted by the fact that they won via cheating and say that it is only the beginning for their team.

Back in the ring, it is the match that isn’t a match! The Divas come out, not a wrestler amongst them, all of them gimmicked and showing skin. Awful. Lilian Garcia introduces Mickie James and JR hopes that she has taken her medicine.

Lita’s scream music hits and she comes out, the only talented one of the lot. We see the tournament and it’s a pathetic one at that. There were more (namely Candice, Torrie Wilson and Victoria) but they had a single match each and then were involved in a Bra and Panties match with Maria. Take away these “wrestlers” and you’re left with Lita, Maria, Mickie and Melina. That was it. Those were the female wrestlers that they could bring up to do a tournament. That’s just sad. Shame on you, WWE. Shame upon ye. Why would you even want a belt that only three other people can actually fight for? You’re the best of a bad bunch.

Cut to Maria who fires together a horrible promo on how she’s disappointed she’s not in the ring to attempt to get the vacant title (Trish won it at Unforgiven back in September and then retired with it) but she’s sure they’re going to have a great match. I wouldn’t be so sure, somehow. The choices for this match are No DQ, Diva Lumberjill or Submission. 46% for a Lumberjill, 40% for no DQ and 14% for submission. The fans clearly know that the girls can’t actually wrestle.

Lumberjill match for the vacant WWE Women’s Champion: Lita def. Mickie James via pin in 8:07.

We know how this is going to fare, but let’s watch anyways.

Lita instantly throws Mickie out and the Lumberjills roll her back in. Mickie throws Lita out and she rolls herself back in. Jerry says, “There’s no such thing as a sure thing… unless your name is Lita.” The girls headlock each other and have some weak shoulder barges, bad hip tosses, sad dropkicks and pantomime acting. Lita attempts to escape and the Lumberjills push her back in. Hair pull and face smash. Kick to the stomach and choke in the corner. Lovely snap suplex and even JR is impressed. The Lumberjills are hitting a Sable-level beat on the mat. Lita gets her head battered into the turnbuckle and the crowd could not give a shit, neither could the announcers. Lita telegraphs the word’s saddest body slam. Mickie is tired and Lita jumps on her back for sleeper hold in the centre of the ring. The Lumberjills attempt another beat and Mickie hits the cross-arm-breaker in an attempt to “hyperextend that arm”, but Lita breaks the hold with her feet on the rope. Irish whip and a couple of push-downs from Mickie as Lita desperately tries to claw her way out of this pathetic match. Both girls fall out of the ring in a botched tarantula, I think, and the Lumberjills jump on them. Ten count in the middle of the ring but the girls are up and smacking each other. Weak toss into the turnbuckle. Mickie calls for her finisher, misses the ropes and falls. JR asks, “What the hell was that?” Lita goes for the cover, attempts to use the ropes and is pushed off by a Lumberjill. Punches mid-ring and Victoria pulls on Mickie’s leg, leading to the most brutal DDT I’ve seen in a women’s match and the pin for Lita’s fourth and final reign as WWE Women’s Champion in 8:07.

2016 comments:

Fuck off with your “women’s wrestling”. There’s no wrestling here, Vince, it’s just a chance to show tits on TV.

2006 comments:

I made a sandwich during this.

Grade: This deserves no rating.

No wonder Lita retired three weeks later. I wouldn’t want to wrestle in a company that hates you. She celebrates in ring as the tits all leave. The crowd could not care less. We see a replay of that brutal DDT which probably actually killed Mickie. Let’s move on.

On the Card will return on November 19th with the third and final part of Cyber Sunday 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #7. Unforgiven (Sept 17, 2006) Part 3

Previously on On the Card: Bloody Hell in the Cell, great send-off for Trish (though could have been better).

Cut to backstage where we see Randy Orton give hell to Trish saying that no one cares about her retirement unless they are Canadian, in which case, he states, they don’t have much of a life. Killer burn, Legend Killer. He then calls Trish a bitch. What the fuck, Randy? This is the cheapest of the cheap heat.

That said, the man has a great theme tune and he comes out to it, with the golden shower firing off behind him. A wee bit of bacne on him as well. Come on, Randy, I know that it’s a while before the Wellness Policy comes into effect (something that he failed twice) but… come on, bro.

Then Carlito comes down. No craic from the man. The arena is full of smoke from Randy’s Golden Shower as the bell rings for what is set to be a forgettable matchup.

Randy Orton def. Carlito via pinfall in 8:41.

Jerry asks that Carlito get angry that Randy called Trish a bitch, but that he must not lose his focus. Randy and Carlito lock up aggressively and Randy roars, “Come on!” receiving a big gob of spit from Carlito. Randy rolls out, gets in, dodges a moonsault by Carlito and a quick two-count. Randy fights back, rubbing his face with disgust, wiping the spit away. Some, “oooohs!” from the crowd as Carlito and Randy trade slaps. Potential botched moonsault where Carlito did not get enough of a launch from Bret’s rope and so he repeats it on the other side and has a much better result. Very close two count.

Orton is bust! How did he get bust? When did this happen? JR considers that it could be an internal injury. Randy sells it like he is knocked out, but it is only a ruse as Randy dropkicks Carlito out of the ring, beats him, rolls him back in and has a few quick pin attempts. Jerry really sells Randy’s dropkick and it is a lovely dropkick. We see the potential attack that bust Randy: Carlito’s elbow cracks Orton as he lands his moonsault. Randy gets Carlito in a headlock but he escapes. Randy hits a great powerslam but only gets the two count. Headlock city for a while. JR calls Orton, “obviously a handsome young man,” and that sounds about right.

Carlito fights his way back up, reverses a backdrop. Carlito hits the springboard shoulder barge and follows it with a fantastic clothesline. JR calls it a slobberknocker. Carlito attempts a pin, fails, and gets frustrated. Orton hits the running backbreaker, rolls into postion and calls for the RKO, battering the mat and shouting. RKO is reversed into a Backcracker. Carlito attempts a neckbreaker, lots of reversals lead him to climb the turnbuckle and as he springboards off the top rope, launching himself towards Orton, Randy spins and hits him with the RKO. As JR shouts, “Good God Almighty!”, Randy gets the pin in 8:41.

2016 comments:

Forgettable, boring, by-the-numbers match. Neither competitor feels like they’re into this feud and it is generally a slow match so that people can pee before the main event. That RKO though.

2006 comments:

Randy Orton.

Grade: B

The crowd copy Randy’s Legend Killer pose and JR tells us that Randy stole the match out of mid-air. He then calls him a “jackass”. They both lie and call it a “great match”.

Cut to a promo for our main event, the Tables, Ladders and Chairs match between Edge and John Cena. The stipulation is that if Cena loses, he is drafted to SmackDown. We see Edge and Lita chuck the Spinner Belt into the Long Island Sound. Edge gets his own Rated-R Superstar belt and Cena, predictably, fights back, throwing Edge into the Sound himself. Edge bays for Cena’s removal from Raw. Cena shows them the contract where he might go to SmackDown and will sign it if he gets another chance at the championship. Edge agrees, under two stipulations: that he names the place and type of match. John agrees and Edge names Unforgiven in Toronto, Edge’s home town as the venue and Tables, Ladders and Chairs as the match type, a match Edge has never lost. The video really shows the blueness of Cena’s eyes and the two lads beat on each other for a while.

Back to the Air Canada arena and… what? The champion comes out first? There’s a thunderous applause for our heel champ Edge. Jerry states that he has never heard anyone cheer for Edge. JR says that Edge went to a Toronto Bluejays game and Jerry says that no one would go to one of those games unless they were really trying to suck up.

Bluejays slam!

Boos fill the arena, followed by “Cena Sucks!” chants from the crowd. As Cena’s music hits, the boos are cacophonous. He’s the face but he is getting super heat. JR explains the rules: no DQ, match continues until one of them gets to the top of the ladder and retrieves the championship. Lillian Garcia introduces the match. Cena gets heat and fingers from the crowd. Edge gets a hella pop. Jerry equates it to the Stanley Cup, which is a… hockey thing? I do not follow sports.

The bell rings and we’re off…

Tables, Ladders and Chairs match for the WWE Championship/Cena’s contract to SmackDown: John Cena def. Edge (w/ Lita) via pinfall in 26:28.

Cena and Edge circle each other for a while before locking up. Headlock and boos for Cena. John is launched into the ropes, returns with a shoulder barge. He does it once, twice, thrice and the two men run the ropes before Edge slaps him. Ground and pound for a while before Edge hits the swinging neckbreaker. He goes outside, gets a chair and is thwarted by Cena who gets him back into the ring and hits a lovely fisherman suplex on Edge. The crowd is very pro-Edge and it shows. Edge hits a great DDT on Cena and rolls out, getting the ladders off a table, setting up the chairs to face one another. Edge attempts a suplex, reversal, Cena attempts a suplex and hits a reverse DDT instead.

Edge gets the ladder in the ring and climbs up it with such speed that it is obvious he’s not going to win. Cena knocks the ladder over and Edge knocks him down. Edge sets a table up, cracks Cena’s face with the ladder and jumps off the barricade to dropkick the ladder into Cena. JR calls it a “Home Depot dropkick.” In the ring, Edge runs at Cena with the ladder as a battering ram. Cena dodges and hits Edge with a hip toss, throwing him onto a ladder. Cena sees the tables outside the ring and attempts an FU to the tables. Edge counters and lands on the Apron. Cena attempts to launch him off but Edge fights back. Edge rises to the turnbuckle but falls upon it, balls first. Cena slides the table into the ring as JR considers the plural of apparatus: “apparatuses… apparati?”

In the ring, Cena sets the table up in front of Edge and gets ready to superplex him off the top rope. Edge fights back and hits a botched sunset-flip-to-powerbomb by landing on his arse instead of his feet. Crowd audibly exhale disappointedly. Edge and Cena attempt to get the spot back and hit a powerslam through it. It’s okay. Jerry states that the botched spot was purposely done by Cena to avoid injury. Edge hits a second botch as he runs up a ladder leaned against the turnbuckle, catching his foot and just launching himself onto Cena, the ladder slipping away from under his feet.

Edge has a chair I do not think that any attempt with a foreign object in this match has worked… until now. Edge hits Cena with the chair. He then sets Cena’s head on another chair like a little pillow and is about to hit him with another chair when Cena escapes and hits a flip-to-cutter combo. Crowd has the audacity to claim that Cena can’t wrestle, which is a lie. Cena opens a ladder, guillotines Edge’s head between the legs and then applies the STFU to Edge. Edge taps, but it is for naught because this match is no DQ. Cena batters Edge with the ladder and sets up the Three Stooges ladder spot but instead FUs the fucking ladder onto Edge.

What the fuck John Cena.

Cena hits the… is it still called the Killswitch? The spin-out powerbomb. He hits that, anyways and goes for the Five-Knuckle Shuffle, sees the ladder, considers it and finds it wanting. He climbs and launches the Five Knuckle Shuffle off the ladder. Psychopath. He throws a table into the ring, content to beat on Edge rather than win the match. As he sets up the table, Edge grabs a chair with the help of a referee and cracks Cena in the head. He lays him on the table like a lover, returns to below the ring and pulls out another table, by Christ. Off-topic: have they ever run out of tables in a match? Wouldn’t it be interesting if they had an homage to the famous ECW chair spot where the crowd chuck chairs into the ring? Edge sets the table up on the table, over Cena’s body. Edge ascends the turnbuckle and Cena escapes his table cage without disturbing the tables, jumps up and punches Edge off the turnbuckle. JR suspects that Cena was playing Possum.

John brings out the Big Ladder and pops it into the ring. JR questions its height, as is tradition. Cena begins to laboriously ascend the ladder, taking his damn time as Edge climbs up the other ladder and spears Cena off. Good lad yourself. Cena coughs as if his midsection is damaged. He’s a great lad. Edge is up the ladder and Edge jumps. Cena catches him and attempts an FU but Edge grips to the ladder so it is transitioned into a thrown powerbomb into a ladder. Cena gets a chair, batters up and hits Edge with a weak, weak, weak, white, white guilt, milquetoast shot to the head. Disappoint, Cena.

John climbs the ladder at a snail’s pace and he could win… but wait… there are still some tables left! Who will break these t-

Oh, it’s Lita. Lita pops in, lifts the entire ladder (no mean feat) and Cena falls from it, out of the ring, onto a forgotten table. What a great fall. The man could be dead. He’s probably not, but still.

In the ring, Edge is taking his time getting up the ladder. Cena is climbing to his feet and Lita is there to hit Cena with the chair, but, in his haste to hit the mat, Cena accidentally tips Edge’s ladder, launching Edge to the outside where he barely hits a table. That could have gone very badly. JR calls Lita an “evil bitch.” Cena FU’s Lita, a usually heel move if not for the fact that Lita is the worst. John resets the tables and pops out to grab Edge, pauses, says, “What that fuck am I at?” to himself and sets the ladder up, climbs it for the win, gets to the top and Edge climbs up the other side. Two men battle atop a ladder, trading blows beside two stacked chairs and Cena hits Edge with the FU, just tossing him off like a ragdoll, grabs the belt and gets the win in 26:28. It is a bittersweet victory.

2016 comments:

Was it a good match? No. There was little psychology and storytelling despite the fact that Cena is one of the best in the business at both. Was it a good TLC match? Of course, there were some great spots, fantastic foreshadowing, sick bumps and minimal injuries and botching.

2006 comments:

Edge just lost his first TLC. I have no words.

Grade: A

Good main event, bros. Cena’s victory is one that comes after both men paid hefty prices. Cena doesn’t even celebrate, just runs to his dad and gives him a hug. I like John Cena. He walks out, is sprayed with a drink by some cunt in the front row. Come on to fuck, boys. You’re letting the side down. Some replays of the best spots, all involving drops through tables from ladders. The final spot involved Edge falling right on his arse, legdropping a table, which probably didn’t help his back problems, I tell you what.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: So many decent matches, actually, with Bs across the board, other than the main event TLC match. It is because of this that I give the Man of the Matches as a joint effort to John Cena and Edge for obvious reasons.

Woman of the Matches: It is refreshing to see a decent women’s match as well and with that, in honour of her stellar run, I would be remiss if I did not offer the Woman of the Matches award to Trish Stratus.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Trish Stratus.

Best Spot: Springboard flying jump to RKO combo.

Hatches: Jeff Hardy, The Highlanders.

Matches: Trish Stratus defeated Lita to claim her seventh and final WWE Women’s Championship. John Cena defeated Edge for his third WWE Championship. Johnny Nitro retains the WWE Intercontinental Championship and The Spirit Squad retain the World Tag Team Championship.

Dispatches: None.

Closing Statements: A pleasant Raw event. As the brand split was coming to an end shortly after this PPV (the final Raw PPV would be New Year’s Revolution in January 2007 and the final SmackDown PPV would be No Way Out in February 2007) it is clear that the lads and ladies are seeing PPVs as a time to show off… especially because there is no guarantee that they will be on one in six months.

On the Card will return on October 8th with the SmackDown PPV No Mercy 2006.

Ruthless Aggression #6: SummerSlam (August 20, 2006) Part 4

Previously on On the Card: Good Booker/Batista match and the DX/McMahon match was acceptable…

Cut to a promo for WrassleMania 23 in Detroit. Card isn’t up yet so they can’t even advertise anything.

Cut to Cena/Edge promo for the championship. We see Edge win the Money in the Bank ladder match at WrassleMania 23 and him cashing it in at New Year’s Revolution, losing it again to Cena at Royal Rumble before winning it back on Raw in a triple threat match between Cena, RVD and Edge. Then Edge slaps John Cena’s dad, the cheeky monkey. Edge threatens Cena and the Doctor of Thuganomics fights back. We see Lita being a dick and John Cena drops his R’s calling Edge the “Rated aww soopahstaaaw.”

Lilian Garcia explains the rules: there is no Champions Advantage here and if Edge gets DQ’d, he loses.

Cena’s music hits and down he comes, being all Cena, all the time. Someone in the crowd has a great “U Can’t C ME” sign with moveable hand. Great lad.

Edge’s perfect music hits and the crowd erupt. Another riot sign, this time saying, “If Edge wins, we riot”. Edge is apparently 6-1 at SummerSlam but Cena is only 2-0. JR reminds us that Edge will lose the title if he gets DQ’d but Cena is the same.

WWE Championship match: Edge (c) (w/ Lita) def. John Cena via pin in 15:41.

Cena wastes no time in running into Edge and pushing him towards the turnbuckle, only retreating to eye up his opponent and run back in. Cena delivers some great punches and kicks to our man Edge followed by a pin and only the two. Cena Irish whips Edge into the corner, where he almost hits the ref, but stops in time for Cena to hit a great belly-to-belly on the Rated-R Superstar. Cena dives through the ropes after a failed shoulder barge. Countout for Cena but he rolls in at 7.

Edge beats on Cena as JR reminds the audience about ways that Edge can be DQ’d, including maintaining holds after a five count. Cena is knocked to the outside and another countout starts. Ref gets to 9 before Cena rolls back in. Edge goes for another pin but gets only two. Edge hits Cena with a great spinning heel kick. Cena is from West Newbury, Massachusetts, which is near Boston, so the crowd are a bit riled up. Edge is a filthy Canuck.

Cena hits Edge with a great suplex but gets only a two-count. Shameful. Cena is thrown over the top rope, the sound is amazing. Good man yourself. Another countout and Cena breaks it. Edge keeps whipping on Cena and an Irish whip is countered. Cena tries to hit a crossbody but Edge ducks. A clothesline brings Cena to the mat once again. Rest hold city as both men take a breather.

JR cannot believe the “hideous conduct of our WWE Champion,” as Edge and Cena cuddle mid-ring. Lita watches on, worried that Edge might, once again, take part in a live sex celebration. Rest hold is broken and Cena fights back, booting Edge and getting a kick in response. Edge goes top rope but Cena punches him, getting ready for the superplex. Edge knocks Cena off, perches and awaits Cena’s rising, getting a great flying clothesline. Edge is very frustrated.

Rousing chant of, “Let’s go Cena! Cena sucks!” as Edge gets Cena in a Camel Clutch to break Cena’s back and make the man humble. Cena lifts Edge up and drops him on his arse. The two men lie about for a while and at the count of six, they’re up, Cena hitting Edge with a jumping bulldog. Lita gets the chair for Edge and the Rated-R Superstar shouts, “No!” and throws it away as Cena jumps up, hits Edge with the shoulder barges, Five Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the FU but gets a DDT from Edge instead. Edge goes to the top rope but Cena is up, going for a super-FU, Edge reverses and Cena reverses that into a roll-up. Edge goes for the cross-body, but Cena rolls through, going for the FU, another reversal and Cena is Irish whipped into the ropes. He almost hits Lita, stops in time and jumps out of the way as Edge hits his girlfriend by mistake!

Both men lie about for a while and Lita is sore by the announcer’s table. Edge is up first and gets ready for the spear which Cena reverses with the drop-toe hold into an STFU. Edge is crawling away, Lita gets the belt to use as a weapon, Edge says no, but as he breaks the hold with a grab of the ropes, Lita puts brass knuckles on Cena. The bitch. Edge goes to punch Cena, who dodges and sets up the FU. Lita jumps in the ring and onto Edge so that Cena lifts both up into a double FU. Lita goes first and Edge cracks Cena with the brass knuckles, getting the pin and retaining his Championship in 15:21.

2016 comments:

Good match. I would expect nothing less from Cena and Edge. I loved how Lita kept trying to make Edge cheat and he would shake his head. Great stuff all together, apart from the screwy finish.

2006 comments:

Ohhhh! Lita! You’re the worst.

Grade: A

Edge just gets out of dodge and actually forgets about Lita! Silly goose. Cena looks fucked ringside. He’s lost in his home state. Shame and disgrace.

The Go Home Stats.

Man of the Matches: None of the matches this PPV were that impressive. I mean, the Cena/Edge match was great and the Flair/Foley match was just blood and guts, but the rest weren’t great. I want to give the Man of the Matches award to… Rey Mysterio for giving it his all in his own match and botching very little.

Woman of the Matches: No Women’s Match again this time around and, other than the awful promo with Layla’s arse, the only women involved were crafty bitches Melina, Queen Sharmell and Lita. It goes to Lita.

Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!

Best Spot: Coast-to-Coast interception with Sweet Chin Music.

Hatches: Chavo Guerroro, Hulk Hogan

Matches: Big Show, Booker T and Edge all retained.

Dispatches: None.

On The Card Hall Of Fame

Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.

Man of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, Chris [REDACTED] Benoit, Randy Orton, Carlito, Paul London, Rey Mysterio.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Shawn Michaels for his dedication to the craft, excellent matches and just being great.

Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Beulah McGillicutty, [NONE], Queen Sharmell, Lita.

The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Queen Sharmell for being the best at what she does.

Closing Statements: SummerSlam ’06 was almost great déjà vu: it was a classic but not for the right reasons. The roster was so thick that many wrestlers did not try hard enough because they were big fish in huge, massive ponds and, as usual, the main eventers are not necessarily the best wrestlers, just those who the crowd pay for.

On the Card will return on Sept 17 with the Raw PPV Unforgiven 2006.