Previously on On the Card: Brilliant women’s match. Fair play to the pair of them.
Backstage, another lovely-but-dopey woman (Maria) is introducing Edge. He makes fun of her chipper attitude. Edge is happy that he is the least-tired of the four competitors tonight. He mimes it. It’s great. Maria pulls paper from between her tits. Upon it is the immortal question: How did Edge win his first WWE title? He tells her that everyone knows the answer. He became Mr. Money in the Bank. He had John Cena beaten. Edge cashed in, speared Cena and won. Edge wonders aloud who would ask such a question. Maria points behind Edge. It’s Miiisssstaaaaaaaaah Kennnnneedy. Kennedy. He repeats what Edge says back to him and pats his briefcase. Thinly veiled threat there.
Back in the arena, it’s motherfucking Montel Vontavious Porter! Big fan now. I hated him but then I liked him again. It’s the WWE US Championship match and for the first time this night, the champ is entering last. About damn time.
[REDACTED] Benoit rocks out. Big pop for him, but very little charisma from the man himself. Roidy Magoo barrel-chest on him.
WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) vs. Montel Vontavious Porter.
MVP has had nothing but good matches this past while and Benoit is Benoit. Interesting to note that all matches this evening are title matches, but that isn’t advertised by any of the announcers. You’d think they’d love to point that out.
Cunt JBL says, “You’d better call the Atlanta PD… because these two men are going to steal the show.” Great line, but both men do little in the opening minutes to show that. They grapple, push each other around, flirt with tests of strength and finally some quick takedowns before a drop-toe-hold moves into Crippler Crossface. Announcers reference that MVP walked away from a match with Benoit earlier that month. Lots of rest holds, sadly, and both men can do better. Lovely flip into a pin and Benoit hits the bridge before getting a backdrop. Benoit gets MVP into the sharpshooter and drags himself to the corner before Benoit finally releases him. Benoit hits the turnbuckle chest first and MVP floor him with a kick to the back of the head. More rest holds. Very boring match from these two men.
During this long, long, long rest hold, Cole mentions Benoit’s surgically repaired neck. MVP misses the big boot but hits a lovely overhead suplex and MVP gives off that the ref didn’t count quickly enough. More rest holds and this is getting very, very old. MVP batters Benoit down when he gets to his feet and the Canuck fights back with chops to the chest before ducking a punch and getting tin triple German suplexes. He runs the thumb over his throat and goes to jump… but is caught by MVP. MVP gets the feet on the rope during a pin. Two pins and MVP still can’t score a win. Lovely neckbreaker but still no pin. MVP sets up the suplex but Benoit retaliates and gets the crossface. MVP gets to the ropes and boots back on our boy Benoit. Lovely snapmare and another rest hold. Benoit is bleeding from his mouth.
MVP cheekily gets some leverage on the ropes and the ref sees him. Still in control, MVP attempts another pin after a big boot. Benoit ducks the boot and hits the quintuple Germans, heads to the top rope and dopey MVP is in the wrong position to get his knees up so has to move quickly so that Benoit can miss. MVP gets Benoit in a one-legged Boston Crab and the crowd are on their feet. Benoit gets the rope. MVP hits a lovely delayed vertical suplex but Benoit kicks out, attempts the corssface, is countered and Benoit gets the roll-up for the win.
[REDACTED] Benoit has pinned MVP to retain the United States title in 9:02.
Good match, but not the best from these two men.
Big Botchy Magoo there at the end.
Sadly, JBL calls Benoit a Hall-of-Famer. Ouch.
Backstage, Todd chats to Jaaaaaahn Cena! But then Randy Orton appears. Both men are due to be in the ring later on this evening for their millionth or so match. Orton says that he and Cena have a lot of similarities: they are young, handsome and talented. HBK and Edge are not. How about they gang up on the old-timers and then see who the real men are. John asks if Orton really thinks Cena is handsome and if he wants to “get together” and “take it lying down”. Cena says it’s not his thing. Randy replies with, “You’ll be in the ring, tonight, with me on top!” Then Ron Simmons appears and says “Damn.”
Back in the arena, Tazz and Joey chat as a weird cover of Green Day’s “Longview” plays. Promo for the lead-up to the next match. Bobby Lashley beat Umaga and Cunt President, Bobbo Lasher and Stone Cold shaved his head. Shane decides to beat the Lasher and apparently it is a close match until the heels arrive and beat on Lashley, hitting him with big old chair shots. Vince makes the match: Vince and Shane and Umaga versus Bobby Lashley for the ECW World Championship.
Here comes the money! Old Shane O-Mac comes out, happy as Larry. What a guy.
Umaga comes out next without Armando Alejandro Estrada, who was thrown to the floor on ECW the past week. Umaga hits the steel ring steps before walking up them. Good man.
No Chance! Old Do-Ragged Vince comes out. A crowd member asks Vince to take off the hat. Another asks, “Got hair?” Vince seems to be wearing black jeans. Both McMahons use the “break” motion.
Big silence before Bobbo Lasher’s music hit. He gets a substantial pop, but this might be piped in. Farty pyro goes off, spraying Bobby in golden sparks. He does his Brock jump and the ring pyro hits. Lovely image of all three of Team McMahon against Team Bobbo. Vince and Umaga actually leave the ring to stand by the side! Fair play.
ECW World Championship match: Bobby Lashely (c) vs. Umaga, Vince McMahon and Shane McMahon.
Bobby instantly lifts up Shane, slams him down and batters him in the corner. Shane is ragdolling and pantomiming. Bobby has a wee chat with him, Irish whips him and hits the spinebuster before throwing him out. Vince threatens to come in and when Shane rocks into the ring, he tags in Umaga. Boos from the crowd. Umaga is thrown into the corner and battered by our boy Bobbo. Umaga batters on Bobby and the announcers tell us that Umaga only has two blemishes on his record – both caused by Bobby, once at WrassleMania and another in Italy. Bobby throws Umaga out, tosses Shane over the rope and leaves only Vince on the apron. Slowly, Vince attempts to go in, but gives just enough time for Umaga to be thrown off the apron and Shane to have a lovely delayed suplex. Umaga rocks in and Bobby hits a drop-toe-hold, dropping Umaga into Shane. Bobby runs the ropes and Shane pulls the top one down, throwing Lashley outside.
Umaga throws Bobby into the ring steps. Umaga hits the big leg drop and rakes Bobby’s back loads. Shane is tagged in and lays the boots onto Bobby before hitting the armbar. Lovely armbar-headscissors. Bobby powers through and tries to lift Shane up but falls back down. Lasher finally lifts Shane up, slams him down and attempts the pin but it is broken by Umaga. Umaga tags in and gives a big headbutt to Lasher. Lashley fights back after a looooong rest hold and he gets a knee to the back from Shane and a Samoan Drop from Umaga. Shane is once again tagged in – Vince hasn’t been in yet. Shane goes back to the elbows and knees to a prone Bobby before hitting what appears to be a Camel Clutch, break back, make humble.
Shane fights back from Bobby’s attempt to escape by dropping the old arse on him and hitting the Camel Clutch again. Bobby fights back again and Bobby rams him into the turnbuckle before hitting a T-bone suplex followed by clotheslines and shoulder barges and a back-body drop. He gives Shane the torture rack backbreaker and goes for the pin. As Umaga pops in, Lasher hits the spear and the Dominator before Vince comes in to break the pin. The crowd pop as the two men square off in the middle of the ring. Bobby lifts Vince for the Dominator but Shane grabs his leg and Umaga throws him down. The ref shouts at the illegal men and Shane hits Bobby with the ECW belt. Vince goes to pin Bobby and only gets a two! Bobby does the roll-up and Shane jumps in to break the pin! Umaga is tagged in, hits the flying headbutt and Vince tags in for another pin. Bobby kicks out and Vince, furious, tags Umaga in. A second splash and once again, Vince pops in, gets the pin and wins this time.
Mr. McMahon has pinned Bobby Lashley to win the ECW World Championship in 15:45.
A better match at half the time. Otherwise, a great big “fuck you” to ECW fans.
Jesus, that went on forever.
A real shame. Vince can’t seem to tag people in either. Umaga, Vince and Shane all shake hands. Shane attempts to hug Umaga and gets pushed back. Announcers feign shock. The real shock is how this match was so damned long. Who booked this and thought that a fifteen minute match would be a good idea? There were no spots here, there were no exciting parts, no big pops. The whole thing was just a giant, “fuck away off with your ECW” to everyone.
On the Card will return on May 13 2017 with the third and final part of Backlash 2007.