Previously on On the Card: Brilliant Taker and Mankind match.
Cut to a promo for Undertaker… and Stone Cold? Oh, it’s a promo for the next In Your House.
Dok Hendrix is speaking to Bret. Bret is very Canadian. In the background, Owen and Bulldog stand. You can hear Paul yelping in the background. Bret cuts a heel promo, total anti-American and his music hits. Bret appears from the In Your House house with the rest of the Hart Foundation but Irish Referee Tim White stops them heading to the ring. Monsoon appears and tells them all to fuck off and they do.
Glass smashes and out comes the meanest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen. JR tells us that he is not a role model.
Number One Contender match for the WWE Championship: Bret “The Hitman” Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Austin slides into the ring and whips the face off Bret for a while. JR says, “Bret can outwrestle Austin, but Bret can’t outfight Stone Cold.” Would have been better if he had used “Hitman” in there. Lovely punches, running of the ropes, suplex and chokes. They brawl to the outside where Stone Cold throws Bret into the steel steps twice. Austin goes into the ring and does the Bret-raise-the-roof taunt. Bret goes for a stroll and Austin bounces his head off the barricades. Earl Hebner shouts at him and Austin gives Bret an axe-handle-nothing from the railing! Very nice!
Austin hits a Bret’s rope elbow with theatrics (the middle finger). Bret escapes a pin and Stone Cold follows him. Chairs go flying and Monsoon is chastising him. Stone Cold takes the chair from Bret and there’s a ref bump – AGAIN – that Bret takes advantage of by hammering Stone Cold’s knee with the chair. Bret gets Earl up and hits Austin for a while.
Brian Pillman and Sunny have just interviewed Mankind on the Superstar Line, by Christ.
Stone Cold fights back and gets knocked down. Bret hits a figure four on the ring post and hits Austin’s knee with a chair. He’s a real bastard, isn’t he? JR says hello to the fans in the UK and Jerry says hello specifically to Princess Diana.
Bret and Austin wrassle on the ground as a cut shows Paul on a stretcher, in a lot of pain, moaning about his face. Austin’s brace has been removed by Bret and gets stomped. Austin is not in a good way. This looks legit painful. Earl roars at the two men to get back into the ring and Austin punches Bret in the dick. Big old Bionic Elbow. Stone Cold gets some tape and chokes Bret. Bret’s rope elbow but Bret moves out of the way and takes over, stomping Austin’s leg. Austin fights back, attempts to suplex Austin out of the ring but Bret retaliates. Bret hits the figure four mid-ring and both men have a lovely lie down. Every time Austin falls back, the ref hits the pin. Austin finally turns Bret over and his instantly finds the rope. I don’t understand the figure four reversal.
Bret hits Austin once again and attempts the figure four on the steel ring ropes. Stone Cold tosses Hart into the crowd and beats on him with his left elbow. Bret is strong back in to the ring mat and bounced off the guardrail. Stone Cold hits the clothesline from the apron. Austin cracks Bret with the Irish whip and hammers his head with fists and the loosest pin in history. Bret gets a boot in the stomach and Austin attempts the piledriver but his leg buckles. Lovely storytelling. Bret attempts the Irish whip but topples when running.
Vince wonders why Bret isn’t just hitting the Sharpshooter to finish Austin. Austin flapjacks Bret onto the turnbuckle and attempts the stunner after a pin but Bret grabs the ropes. Bret brings Austin over to the corner for a great superplex. Bret attempts the Sharpshooter and Austin nails Bret with his own leg brace. Austin hits a Sharpshooter of his own and Bulldog and Owen Hart come to Bret’s aid. Stone Cold knocks them back is Irish Referee Tim White chases them away. Second Sharpshooter from Austin. Gorilla Monsoon has a wee walk in the background and Davey Boy comes in to hit Stone Cold with a chair.
The British Bulldog has hit Stone Cold Steve Austin with a steel chair, causing outside interference and awarding the match to Stone Cold in 21:09.
Lovely match, very good storytelling and great selling ruined by a shit finish.
I hate the British.
The Fink announces that Stone Cold wins and Bret stalks the place in a big old fit. He gets the ring bell, goes to hit Austin but Stone Cold retaliates with a chair and hits the Sharpshooter once again. Referees enter the ring. Owen and Bulldog run out. All hell breaks loose. Both men are hurt – “Casulties of war!” as JR says. Fans give Bret the finger. Stone Cold’s music plays as he hits the corners of the ring, raises his hands and jaws off to the crowd before leaving.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: I would love to nominated Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bret Hart once again. Brilliant match
Woman of the Matches: No women were here tonight, other than Sable and fuck her.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Bret Hart
Best Spot: Stone Cold hitting the Sharpshooter on Bret.
Matches: Owen Hart and The British Bulldog retain the WWF Tag Team Championship amidst dodgy finishes; Rocky Maivia also technically lost the match but retained the WWF Intercontinental Championship due to a countout; Undertaker retained his WWF Championship; Stone Cold Steve Austin became the number one contender for said championship.
Dispatches: No real dispatches. Billy Gunn and Jesse James are out until Survivor Series 97 when they make their PPV return as the New Age Outlaws. Bret disappears until they return to Canada in In Your House 16: Canadian Stampede. Honky returns at the 1998 Royal Rumble.
Closing Statements: It was an okay PPV that had one half of a terrific tag team match and two long-ass singles matches with four of the greatest wrestlers on God’s green Earth.
On the Card will return on May 11 2017 with In Your House 15: A Cold Day in Hell.