Previously on On the Card: Undertaker wins once again.
Cut to baby Lashley and Bobby Lashley as he talks about being a boy in a military family.
Backstage, we have Vince meeting his granddaughter. In the background, there are picutres of Donald Trump with different hairdos. Vince chastises Stephanie for bringing his granddaughter in. Then he makes faces at the baby and tells her how he’s going to batter Donald Trump. Stephanie is clearly uncomfortable with this. He smells something and tells Stephanie that the child, “just took a Trump.” Hilarious.
Back in the arena, Taz and Joey Styles introduce the ECW Originals. Sandman, RVD, Tommy Dreamer and Sabu rock through the crowd. Sabu hits people left and right. Prick. He actually gets annoyed that fans are trying to touch him.
The New Breed music hits and Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Van, Matt Striker and Kevin Thorn rock down with Ariel and her breasts and teeth. Both teams square off and then split to their separate sides of the ring as the bell goes.
Eight-man tag team match: The ECW Originals (RVD, Tommy Dreamer, Sabu and The Sandman) def. The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Marvus Cor Von, Matt Striker and Kevin Thorn (w/ Ariel)) via pin in 7:27.
Good to see that Vince is giving the ECW lads a payday. Shame it’s in a n eight-man tag governed by Fed rules as opposed to ECW rules and it’s for less than ten minutes in the dead zone after an Undertaker match.
Sabu and Striker to start off. Big punches from Striker. Sabu bounces off the ropes, hitting jumps. Sandman is tagged in, hits a shitty leg drop, attempts the pin and Marcus breaks it. Elijah jumps in, Tommy pops in and double elbows to Elijah. Ariel shows everyone her bum. Marcus comes in and punches the shite out of Tommy followed by a double underhook suplex. Elijah jumps in and they hit a double back body drop. Elijah hits the double knees in the corner and Sabu breaks up the pin. Kevin Thorn is in next, knocking Dreamer down and hammering away on him with a lovely wee headlock. Kevin hits a lovely sit-out powerbomb and Sabu, once again, breaks the pin. Marcus is in next, hits a nice suplex and cover. More headlocks. More Ariel bum.
Marcus hits Sandman and Tommy hits a double reverse DDT/neckbreaker to Elijah and Marcus. Both men aim for the hot tag and Striker and RVD go in. RVD cleans house. Striker gets a boot to the face, goes for the Frog Splash, kicks Kevin in the face, hits a rolling monkey flip followed by Rolling Thunder and Marcus knocks RVD down. Sabu jumps over the top ropes and everyone hits their specials. RVD goes top rope, hits the Five Star Frog Splash and the pin in 7:27.
High-paced nothing match where no one stood out and Sandman did nothing.
ECW is around forever.
I can imagine that Sandman is happy he has enough money to pay for his drugs for the next week.
Stone Cold young boy promo where a bald kid pours milk on himself.
Promo for WrestleMania 24 in Orlando.
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler introduce Thomas “The Hitman” Hearns. Wait. What? Another hitman?
Jim tells us that the Battle of the Billionaires is up next. Vince vs. Cunt President. I bet a lot of celebrities are regretting being involved with this, The Rock included, as they suck up to Donald. Donald drops money on people. Vince brings Umaga, the until-recently-undefeated Samoan Bulldozer. Trump picks boring old Bobbo Lasher. Apparently, this is crazy, so they bring in someone sensible to keep the peace: Stone Cold. Bet he’s regretting that something shocking. Vince shaves Eugene’s head and Donal hits a weak-wristed slap.
Fuck this promo package, fuck this match and fuck that cunt president.
Lilian attempts to read the rules, messes up and a barber shop comes to the ring with its own music.
Vince’s music hits and down he comes to the ring, big swagger on him. The Miss Teen USA, Miss USA and Miss Universe all give the thumbs down. Vince mimes cutting hair. Brilliant sign that says, “Arrive, Shave Head, Leave.”
Intercontinental Champion Umaga arrives with Armando Alejandro Estrada. He walks past the barbershop and stares intently at it. Vince does a wee pantomime for Umaga. JR just wanks Vince off on the commentary, talking about how amazing he is.
Cunt President Donald Trump comes out to the Money in the Bank theme song, funnily. He’s accompanied by Miss USA or someone and has a really long intro. He gives the fingers to the camera as well. Arsehole. Worse than an arsehole. He is the divil. At the time, though, I thought that Trump was hilarious. He’s throwing up the fist as well, powerfist. In retrospect, of course, it’s a white power fist.
Which makes it even funnier that his champion is ECW champion, Bobbo Lasher. The pyro hits, giving him a golden shower. JR calls him, “No nonsense,” which is a nice way of saying, “boring”. When Trump came down, money cascaded from the ceiling, similar to how it did in WrassleMania 32 with Shane. I don’t know if it’s real money – probably not – but one person in the crowd – maybe a plant – has a legit $100 bill. Bobbo’s pyro hits and he hugs Cunt Trump. There’s a Northern Irish flag in the crowd.
Glass shatters. Stone Cold Steven Austin, the special guest referee, comes down to the ring. What a fucking legend. He’s looking a bit chubby, though, but he has been out of the game for five years by this point. He goes to all four turnbuckles and throws up the fingers, jawing off to the crowd. What a guy. He checks the ring ropes. Good man. His music finishes and Stone Cold tells Cunt Trump to fuck off. JR calls Cunt Trump, “one of the unique mysteries of mankind.”
Hair vs. Hair match with Stone Cold Steve Austin as special guest referee: Bobby Lashley (with Cunt President Trump) def. Umaga (with Vince McMahon and Armando Alejandro Estrada) via pin in 13:00.
Stone Cold rings the bell before both men are in the ring. Cheeky rascal. Umaga runs straight for Bobby and the two punch each other until Bobby is thrown back. Stone Cold counts in the corner, asks for a rope break and drags Bobby back when he doesn’t break the ropes. The pair square off for a pop from the crowd. Bobby goes top rope and hits a shoulder barge. He goes to get the pin and would have gotten it – really, Umaga? A three count from a shoulder barge? – but Armando Alejandro Estrada puts his foot on the ropes. C’mon. Bobby takes umbrage to this and drags Estrada into the ring. This spot should have been left until later on in the match. It’s a dumb spot. Bobby hits a running powerslam on Estrada and chucks him out of the ring. Umaga runs for Bobbo but he pulls the rope down and Umaga flies over. Bobby punches the shite out of Umaga mid-ring and Bobby runs at him, getting side-stepped and a slap on his arse from Umaga as he flies through the ropes.
Umaga splashes Bobby mid-ring and chokes him after a failed pin attempte. Austin slaps Umaha when he doesn’t break the count and the pair square off. Umaga goes back to choke Bobby, once again he does not break the count after five so Stone Cold pulls on Umaga’s hair. That’s three square-offs that Stone Cold has had this match. Umaga drops on Bobby from Bret’s rope. He does it twice. Umaga hits a lovely Samoan drop on Lasher and drops the boot into his chest. Lashley lifts Umaga up for a body slam but can’t hold him and Umaga falls on him for a pin. Vince goes to the apron and Bobby knocks him off, getting a Russian leg sweep for his effort. Umaga goes top rope but Bobby throws him off, followed by a Rikishi-style sell for a clothesline from Bobby. Wonderful.
Stone Cold starts the ten count and gets to nine before stopping, walking about the ring, telling them to get up and fight. Shane comes out to help his dad. Good old Shaneo-Mac. Bobby takes a great right hand from Umaga and the pair of them have a wee chat in the corner. Once again, Stone Cold forcefully removes Umaga from Lasher and Shane comes up for the distraction. Stone Cold chases him away and takes a Samoan Spike to the throat, rolling out of the ring. Cut to Cunt Trump, who doesn’t know what the fuck is happening and just says, “Bobby!” over and over. Cunt, cunt, cunt.
Shane is in the ring, helping Umaga. Vince is dead happy. Shane hits his Shane Shuffle, gets caught for a belly-to-belly but Umaga saves him. Umaga hits Bobby with his arse. Vince takes out a trashcan and chucks it to Shane – good catch, brother. Shane gets up to set up Coast-to-Coast, points to Cunt Trump and hits the trashcan into Bobbo’s face. No pop for the Coast-to-Coast, though. Shane removes his shirt and – oh God! – he has a referee’s shirt on! Cheeky rascal. Umaga goes to the top rope to hit a Samoan splash but Austin is up, pulling Shane out of the ring before he can finish the count. On the way back into the ring, Stone Cold is knocked to the floor. Cut to cunt Trump: “What’s going on over here?”
Cunt Trump attacks Vince, knocking him to the ground… for no reason. Umaga attempts to hit the Samoan Spike on Stone Cold but Austin ducks it, hits the Stunner and Bobby hits the spear for the pin in thirteen minutes.
Great, fun match but Cunt Trump, so it balances out to be a shite match.
I hope to never see Cunt Trump again.
Grade: Defies grading due to Stone Cold and Cunt Trump balancing each other out.
Vince pantomimes his disdain. He slowly makes his way to the barbershop. His eyes lock with Stone Cold and Austin rolls out, grabs Vince and drags him into the ring. He points at Vince, he gets an attack from Shane and gets a Lou Thesz Press and the bionic elbow followed by a stunner to win back his heat. Stone Cold’s music hits. Vince is trying to escape and as Stone Cold raises Bobby and Cunt Trump’s hands, Vince looks mighty pleased with himself. Bobby tears after him, lifts Vince and carries him back to the ring. The chair is set up in the ring. Stone Cold his standing behind Vince and McMahon leans back, touches Austin’s bald head, gets a Stunner.
Vince is strapped in and Cunt Trump raises the razor in triumph. Both Bobby and Cunt Trump shave Vince’s head. The whole thing lasts about a minute. Lasher gets the foam and a legit razor to shave McMahon’s head. Stone Cold sips a beer. The crowd is dead. Some music plays, “Bald Headed Blues.” McMahon looks around like an idiot and shows Vince his head all bald. Bobby’s music hits, Stone Cold gets the beers and the three of them celebrate. Cunt Trump doesn’t chug it. I thought Cunt Trump didn’t drink. Stone Cold stunners him and his music hits. Good man yourself, Stone Cold. Replays are shown. I am glad to be done with this segment. It is interesting to see if WWE reference this at any point over the next wee while considering Cunt President.
On the Card will return on April 22 2017 with the fourth and final part of WrestleMania 23.