Previously on On the Card: Good opener and shit Khali match.
Cut to a promo for all the divas. It says that they are talented. Stop lying, girls, we have not a talented one of ye on the roster. C’mon now.
Backstage, we see Cryme Tyme with a newly-shaved Eugene. He looks great with the head shaved but he’s still making his faces. Are Cryme Tyme actually his friends or are they going to rob him? They say he still looks like a player and shout to get it popping as Extreme Expose appear and do a dance. Eugene looks uncomfortable and then goes bananas when Mae Young and Moolah turn up. He dances with them. People look disgusted. Then Slick appears! Yes, that old stereotype himself. He actually calls it “WrassleMania”. He dances. Everyone cheers.
FUCK IT DUSTY RHODES IS HERE. HE DANCES TOO.
Then Slaughter and Jimmy Hart and IRS and others appear.
Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat stops the dancing to shout. But then they dance.
Ron Simmons appears and says his catchphrase.
In the arena, we have the Detroit Tigers, who are a sports team of some sort. No time to care, because it’s time for match number three! Montel Vontavious Porter appears with cheerleaders. It’s great because he’s a primadonna. He’s challenging [REDACTED] Benoit for the US Championship.
No time to watch MVP! Benoit himself comes out. No fucking time to pause. He doesn’t pose, he just walks on down to the ring with his big roid belly on him, sliding into the ring, holding his belt up and gets ready to straight up destroy this heelish prettyboy.
WWE United States Championship match: [REDACTED] Benoit (c) def. Montel Vontavious Porter via pin in 9:15.
The two circle each other for a bit before they lock up. MVP getting a headlock and Benoit reverses it into a head scissors, rolling through to an ankle lock and another headlock. MVP runs the ropes, attempts a German but MVP counters. Benoit is back in, face to face with MVP, attempts to lock in the crossface and MVP escapes. Benoit is bust around his mouth. MVP escapes another crossface attempt. An attempted lock-up and MVP tosses him into the corner, gets an elbow and Benoit lifts him onto the turnbuckle. Superplex attempt and Benoit gets his arm bust from a guillotine. MVP works the arm, goes for a pin and gets a two.
MVP works away on Benoit in the corner. Both announcers are really putting over both men. Cunt JBL says that Benoit belongs in the Hall of Fame. Yeah. Some chance. Benoit hits his Germans, goes top rope and MVP jumps up, hits a lovely superplex but Benoit curls to roll up MVP, almost getting the sneaky pin. MVP is furious. He’s up and battering on Benoit, tossing him into the corner and doing a wee roll-up. MVP hits the backdrop and MVP attempts two covers and goes for the armlock. Benoit fights to his feet, punching MVP, runs the ropes, gets a superkick to the face and kicks out of the pin. MVP is in control, goes for a bodyslam and Benoit goes for the crossface but has difficulty locking it in. MVP attempts some sort of armlock bodyslam but can’t get it and hits a normal bodyslam followed by an elbow drop with theatrics. Pin attempt and kickout.
The Crippler is picked up and Benoit dodges the big boot, hits double Germans. MVP reverses the third but Benoit escapes, runs the ropes and hits the triple Germans. He goes to the top rope, hits a lovely flying headbutt and gets the pin in 9:15.
MVP once again shows that he can actually play with the big dogs when he wants to. Standard Benoit match, both men called it in, which amounts to an above average match rather than a very good one. Neither of these men have disappointed, but it seems like they could have done far better.
I love Benoit. I hope he doesn’t embarrass wrestling forever.
Benoit retains and circles the ring.
Cut to a promo for the Undertaker, showing his past. He doesn’t have a child showing him all grown up because he’s the fucking Undertaker. His match is up next.
Cut to Mr. President himself, Cunt Trump, who is on the phone, giving off that Vince hasn’t even given him a sammich. Miss USA is there, acting her socks off. Behind him, the Boogeyman appears, spitting worms and shit. Cunt Trump asks for food from Boogey after he scares off Miss USA. Boogeman disappears and Little Boogeyman walks off.
Back in the arena, Maggle says, “Ould Trump can make a deal with anybody!” Especially the American public, apparently. You fools! You voted this man into office! You utter, utter fools!
Cut to the induction for the Hall of Fame 2007: The Wild Samoans, The Shiek – who is the spit of his nephew, Sabu – Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Fucking Perfect – with Curtis Axel off to the side there, who would be starting in World League Wrestling a few months later. Jerry “The King” Lawler goes in, too and so does our boy Dusty Rhodes. He dances on and slurs his way through his speech.
Back in the arena, Lillian bigs up the new record in Ford Field. Congratulations, America, you did it. You packed human beings into a place like sardines. Then Howard Finkel comes out. He absolutely smashes the introduction to the Hall of Fame 2007. Good ol’ JR, Mr. Perfect’s family, Jerry “The King” Lawler, Nick Bockwinkel, Mr. Fuji, The Wild Samoans – Afa and Sika, the wife of the original Sheik and The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.
There was a poll thinking that Batista will defeat Undertaker at WrestleMania. 82% go with ‘Taker. Coming up next, it’s Batista vs. Taker. Cut to a promo showing this heated rivalry, which basically amounts to Taker winning the Royal Rumble, choosing Batista as his opponent and the two men hitting each other until Batista Pearl Harbours Taker at No Way Out in February. We see Batista ruin people left and right. We see Taker walk around and be scary. Fair play to the pair of you. The promo package is actually brilliant.
Teddy Long is in the ring and he’s announcing. Why, Teddy? Why?
Batista’s music hits and the champion comes out first. I hate this. There’s no need for it. Yes, we love Undertaker and his entrance is great, but Batista is the champion, by Christ. He runs from one end of the Titantron to the other like a big old jobber. He does his wee spin, forgets that he’s in the wrong place, moves forward to hit his gatling gun pyro. Silly Batista. He goes to his turnbuckles, poses and holds his belt up.
Big monks chanting and a line of them appear with fiery torches. What an entrance. They go everywhere, standing in lines of three on the Titantron, waiting for the smoke to fill. Lights go down and… Big pyro? That’s not Undertaker’s style. Weird. The bells toll anyways and the Deadman appears, backlit and looming. Batista is undeterred. Taker walks on, slowly, taking most of the rest of the PPV to get to the ring. No jokes aside, from Taker’s first appearance, backlit on the time he enters the ring is three minutes. Three minutes. A further one and a half minutes for his monks to get into position and one minute from him entering the ring until the bell goes. That’s a total of five and a half minutes for one man to get into the match.
Teddy introduces ‘Taker as “The Phenom of the WWE,” which lets on that there are other Phenoms. There are not unless we are talking about the AMD Phenom, of course. Maggle tells us that The Undertaker is all about mind games. He’s not really. He’s about kicking lads up the hole. Finally, Taker enters the ring, slowly removes his coat and hat, stands in his corner and waits for the bell to ring.
World Heavyweight Championship match: Undertaker def. Batista (c) via pin in 15:51.
Undertaker springs out of the corner, is caught by a spear from Batista, who drives him back into the corner and beats on him before Undertaker takes over, batters on Batista and is knocked outside, landing on his feet. Both men fight outside, taking only minutes to get out of the ring. Batista throws Taker into the steel steps and the Animal goes in the ring as Little Naitch begins a countout. Batista goes top rope and hits a shoulder barge. Maggle goes ballistic. Batista takes a big boot and springs off the ropes to hit back. Batista is hammering on Taker’s head and hits a lovely body slam, springing off the ropes. Taker catches the foot and fights back. Both men share strikes in the centre of the ring and Taker takes control, tossing Batista into the corner for a running hug followed by a second.
Taker hits Snake Eyes, big leg drop and fails to get the pin. He will though, spoiler alert. Taker picks Batista up, gets ready for Old School and the crowd love it as he hits it. He gestures for the chokeslam and the Animal escapes, pulling the hand off his throat, fighting back, Irish whipping Taker and the Deadman hits the flying clothesline. Pin attempt and Batista kicks out. Taker hits some punches and Batista falls outside. Taker rolls out, bounces Batista’s head off the steel steps, cracks the elbow into Batista’s jaw, goes to the apron and hits a lovely big leg drop. Batista falls to the ground and Undertaker rolls in to break up the pin. He bounces off the ropes and suicide dives out. Both men have a lovely lie down.
Both men are up and Batista is having his head bounced off the barricade, getting some punches and Taker rolls in to break the count, rolls out and gets an Irish whip into the timekeeper’s area. Batista shoves past a cameraman and rolls in and out to break the count. He throws the tops of the announcer’s tables away, putting Taker onto the table, punching at the Phenom and lifts him up, sets up the running powerslam and smashes the Deadman through the table. Fair play to you, boys. Undertaker is up and taking punches to the face, the yoke. Batista goes for the pin and fails. He punches Taker constantly to teach him a lesson for having the cheek to kick out. Batista looks angry, goes for the Batista Bomb but Undertaker fights back.
In the corner, Taker beats on Batista and gets a belly-to-belly in the middle of the ring. Cunt JBL says that the Undertaker smells like smoke because he’s been through fire. That’s Kane. Is that not Kane? Taker is in the corner and as Batista goes for the ten punch, Taker lifts him off, gives him the Last Ride and almost gets the pin. Batista hits the spinebuster, shakes the ropes, goes for the Batista Bomb but Taker is up. Seems like a botched moveset there and Taker gets the chokeslam, gets a pin and Batista kicks out. Undertaker signals for the tombstone, lifts the Animal up but he replies with a spear, goes for the Batista Bomb, hits it – almost misses it – and Undertaker kicks out. Good man yourself, Mr. Calloway. Batista goes for a second Batista Bomb but Taker reverses into a back body drop and goes for the Tombstone, hits it mid-ring, gets the pin, the win and the belt in 15:51.
Very good match. Both men gave it their all. Not amazing and no great spots other than the table shot. Taker didn’t do his sit-up and there was only one big near-fall after the Batista Bomb, but good match.
Undertaker will never, ever lose at WrestleMania.
Lovely wee end-of-first-half match as Undertaker wins again at WrestleMania, just as he did ten years previous versus Sycho Sid. He gets to one knee, hits the blue light and lifts the belt up. Taker does not need any championship belts. He is over enough without needing gold. Big pyro hits and Taker leaves the ring as we see the replays. Bone Street Krew tattoo on the Undertaker’s stomach. Good man, Taker. He pauses atop the Titantron, looks over his shoulder and as the smoke rises, he lifts his arm and big pyro.
On the Card will return on April 15 2017 with the third part of WrestleMania 23.