Previously on On the Card: Bart Gunn, Goldust and Flash Funk get a payday.
Cut to the back and Stone Cold is staring out no-microphone-working Dok Hendrix, who is talking away but we hear naught. Someone should turn up the volume before they get stunnered! Slowly, the voice comes through. Hendrix tells Stone Cold that he does not have a clear cut victory against Undertaker, Vader or Bret. Stone Cold reminds him that he tossed all three out of the Royal Rumble and calls Dok a piece of trash and that there is a conspiracy by the hierarchy against Stone Cold. He also mentions that the “instant replay rule isn’t in effect,” meaning that it’s basically what the referees see counts. This is awesome as it kind of kayfabe-waves the fact that heels can cheat as long as they don’t get caught but it will be forgotten and the Fed will turn their back on this rule as it suits them.
Back in the ring, Hunter Hearst Helmsley is bowing to the crowd and getting ready to battle for the Intercontinental Championship. We see a show to Raw where The Rock, Rocky Maivia took a monstrous piledriver and kicked out. A superplex and he kicked out. Trips goes to give him a DDT and the Rock gives Helmsley an inside cradle and wins the damn Intercontinental Championship three months after his debut. Whaaaat.
Intercontinental Championship match: Rocky Maivia (c) (w/ Mr. Hughes) def Hunter Hearst Helmsley via pin in 12:30.
Referee Earl Hebner gives the bell a wee ring before even taking the belt out of the ring. Eejit.
Headlock from Trips and a dodgy toe hold to Rocky. He slaps the Rock’s head a few times. Jerry makes fun of Rocky’s parents and dead grandparents. In the ring, the Rock gives a lovely arm drag and slaps Trips before sharing smacks with him in the corner. JR tells us that Trips is trying to psyche The Rock out. Jerry mispronounces proboscis.
Another lovely arm drag takedowns and they have a sit down for a while. I’ll tell you what, JR and King make a great team on the announcer’s table. I know that they’re iconic and, in some ways, they’re the only announcing team that I respect and listen to, but I thought that there would be some easing in… no. They’re top class right off the bat. Trips throws Rock out, through the ropes. JR tells us that that would be an elimination in the Final Four matchup – sneakily telling us the rules of the matchup – and Trips baseball slides Rock on the face. Crowd chant for Rocky and the future Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment is covered in Goldust.
Trips hits Rock with an elbow and slingshot, hurting Rock’s throat. They have a wee chat in the corner and Trips hits a lovely “slupex” according to JR which King catches him on. Trips gets Rock in a choke hold and cheats by lifting the legs on the ropes. Earl physically hits Trips to tell him, “no!” and when Trips does it again, he swats the feet away. Balls on him. Lovely running of the ropes but Rocky gets knocked down. Inside cradle from Rock, but no dice and he batters on Rock’s head before taking off his bobble. Lovely backbreaker as King makes fun of Rock’s hair. The crowd chant, “Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!”
Rock fights back, runs the ropes, hits a lovely cross body, misses the missile dropkick as JR hits a promo for Western Union and the Superstar Line. Trips misses a knee to the face and Rock catches a foot and gets a clothesline for his effort. Trips goes top rope but Rock punches him in the tummy and gets the Atomic Drop. Irish whip to the corner and Shawn spot where Trips turns inside out. Lovely powerslam from Rock and Jerry tells us that he’s hot dogging. Big cross-body from the top rope and it gets a two-and-a-half-pin. Rock goes for the ten punch but Trips knocks him off, hits a pin with the legs up and kicks out. Rock attempts a botches a tiltawhirl DDT but Trips actually kicks out. Rock calls for the shoulder breaker and Goldust comes out!
The crowd goes bananas for my boy Goldust! He smacks his arse and Rock slides behind to get the backdrop with bridge for the pin in 12:30.
Damn good match with both men trying their best and, yes, botching, but they’re pulling it all out of the bag. Nice to see Rock go top rope now and again.
Who is this wonderful woman from the crowd?
Rock walks straight past Goldust and allows him to get some heat with Trips. Marlena is there. The crowd are loving every second of this. Goldust goes to the apron and the camera cuts to – Jesus titty fucking Christ, someone in the crowd is strangling Marlena! It’s… It’s…
Motherfucking Chyna! Yes! My girl! My main event! The Ninth Wonder of the World! Chyyyyyynaaaa!
JR asks if it is a woman. Classy. One of the crowd is excited that a spot happened in front of him. Goldust cries, “Throw her in jail!” We see an instant replay of Chyna ruining Marlena’s day and the security coming to get Chyna.
On the Card will return on March 9 2017 with the fourth part of In Your House 13: Final Four 1997.