Previously on On the Card: Good curtain jerker.
Cut to Shawn at Raw on Thursday. He reveals that he is not going to be near the belt for some time. He says that he may be beyond reconstructive knee surgery and is not happy to perform half-assed. He says that the schedule over the last year has damn near killed him. Kids in the crowd are horrified. Shawn says that he loved being champ: lear jets, MTV sessions, parties etc. He says that he is not tough enough right now. He hands the belt to Gorilla Monsoon to big boos. He tells the crowd that he’s leaving, he’s going home, he’s going to see if he can find his damn smile. A great promo, really heartfelt. I remember watching this and being moved to tears and very angry that the industry that I love has turned one of its best stars into a broken man. This is a motif that repeats over the years in wrestling. Shawn is not the first and he will not be the last man ruined by wrestling.
Cut to Sid who is ripping into a mental whisper-shout promo. He never got his rematch against Michaels and so the winner of the Final Four match must face Sid.
Cut back to the arena and Honkey is thankfully gone. Flash Funk is here, however, with his Funkettes! He’s going out to shake hands and high-five the crowd. Great lad. Great song as well. Very… what’s the word I’m looking for? It’s that… you know… seventies vibe. Upbeat. Soulful. Has rhythm and blues all up in it. I forget. The announcers, thank Christ, don’t fuck up the damn song.
Gunshots fire! Bodacious Bart Gunn comes out with his huge arms and high fives our boy Funk. Cut to a Raw four weeks ago where Bart was beaten by Faarooq. JR calls the NOD a “pack of dogs”. Jeepers.
Then Goldust comes out and I have to resist the temptation to write the rest of the review in all caps because Goldie is an absolute fucking hero. We see a shot of Goldust about to stop Crush but Savio Vega Pearl Harboured him from behind. So two out of three of these men hate the NOD.
Then they come down, rapping and shit. We have Faarooq, Crush and Savio Vega. And they’re walking through the damn crowd! Who are they? The fucking Shield? No, they’re the Nation of Domination and potential African American stereotypes.
Goldie slides out of the ring to watch the boys. Some of the crowd are actually raising their fists. Christ, what a stable. By any means necessary. JR doesn’t agree with them philosophically, but they’re some band of lads. Certainly better than the fucking Spirit Squad.
The Nation of Domination (Faarooq, Crush and Savio Vega) (w/ Clarence Mason) def Goldust, Bart Gunn and Flash Funk (w/ Marlena) via pin in 6:42.
Jerry and JR have a miscommunication as the six-man tag starts up. Faarooq gets the mic but Goldust says, “Fuck it!” and attacks him before it can start. NOD are thrown out and the faces get a big pop. Flash Funk jumps off the turnbuckle onto the lads but un ring, Faarooq and Goldust batter the shite out of each other. Bart Gunn, of course, got a Dominator from Faarooq, the most dangerous and messed-up move in wrasslin’. Goldie goes to jump over Faarooq but gets a lovely spinebuster. Savio Vega is in and Flash Funk gives him a lovely super hurricanrana from the top turnbuckle before the NOD pull Savio out. Bart just picks up Flash and chucks him outside on the NOD. Great.
In the rin, Crush is tagged in and batters on Flash Funk. JR calls him a jailbird.
Straight-up Shoot Fact: Crush was arrested in Hawaii two years earlier in March 1995 for having 500 units of steroids and several unregistered semi-automatic guns! This was added into his character, hence JR’s comment.
Jerry makes fun of Crush by saying, “he never actually went to jail, but went to the mall and paid for everything in cigarettes.” Hilarious. Faarooq is in and hits Flash on the back of the head. Faarooq jumps up and down on Funk and the green man rolls over, busting the NOD leader in the balls. Savio comes in and distracts the ref, allowing Crush to hit the spike piledriver on Flash. JR calls it, “a mugging”. Faarooq and Savio attempt the double clothesline but Flash does a lovely backflip, double clotheslines the boys, gets lots of heat, tags in Bart Gunn with the hot tag, gives a lovely powerslam to Faarooq and Goldust is in. It’s a damn free-for-all. Faarooq goes for the Dominator but fails. Bart gets the bulldog off the top rope and Crush leg drops him, rolls over Faarooq and NOD get the pin in 6:52.
Not enough Goldust.
An okay match, but really it was just there to advance the feud for two of the three faces. The issue with a huge stable is that they have so many feuds going on at one time and it gets messy. Because of this, we saw lots of beating on Flash Funk and not much action from Goldust or Bart.
NOD celebrate mid-ring and the announcers call Faarooq a great athlete.
On the Card will return on March 2 2017 with the third part of In Your House 13: Final Four 1997.