Previously on On the Card: Two good matches and the Boogeyman.
Promo for the Last Ride match and we see Undertaker vs. Kennedy for the first blood match. Teddy Long introduces the Last Ride match at a Smackdown. The hearse is being driven in and it drives without anyone behind the wheel. Undertaker bursts out and just appears everywhere – in a match, behind Kennedy, in a hearse etc. Blood falls on Kennedy. The entire thing is so corny and supernatural. It’s great.
The monks chant and Cunt JBL keeps telling us that he was in the first Last Ride match. Absolute shitehawk. Announcer Tony Chimel reminds us of the rules.
Kennedy appears, stares out the hearse and enters the ring, pulling the mic down and dropping a phat beat. I’m joking, he paces about and cuts a shit promo about how he’s going to defeat the Undertaker for the third time, which would be true if you count a DQ win and MVP interfering as a win each. He then says his own name and the crowd goes mild.
The crowd chants, “Rest in peace!” as the bell tolls, signalling the Undertaker’s three-hour-long walk to the ring. Cole and Cunt JBL consider what Kennedy might be thinking as the Undertaker walks towards him. He’s probably shitting himself, to be fair. I would. Big Red is scary as fuck. Cunt JBL keeps reminding us he fought the Undertaker a few times. They tell us that it doesn’t get much better than this, which is watching two men get ready to fight. Kennedy moves into the ring hesitantly and the bell finally rings.
Last Ride match: The Undertaker def. Mr. Kennedy via Sunday drive in 19:08.
Taker moves to Kennedy like an MMA fighter, far faster than a Dead Man should move. Kennedy is caught in the corner and beats Kennedy down, knocking him out of the ring and throwing him into the steel steps before tossing him onto the Spanish Announcer’s table. Taker tosses Kennedy onto the apron – which we must remember, is the hardest part of the ring – and rolls him back between the ropes. Kenny is beat in the corner and Taker gives Kennedy a Flair chop. Taker goes to give Kennedy the jumping boot but Kennedy dodges out of the way, tossing Taker out. Kennedy launches himself off the apron but is caught in mid-air by Taker, who drives him into the ring post.
Taker carries Kennedy out of the ring to the hearse but Kennedy fights back, pushing Taker into the back of the car repeatedly, delivering strikes to the Phenom’s face, opening the back of the hearse and shoving Taker in. They both are half inside the hearse yet the door will not close. Taker bursts out, gives Kennedy a high knee and as he tries to crawl away, Taker drags him back over the barricade and into the steel steps. Lots of head shots so far, no one is bust. Taker gives Kennedy a lovely boot to the head followed by a leg drop off the apron onto Kennedy’s neck. Undertaker is taking over now, stalking Kennedy and causing pain the entire time.
Taker pops Kennedy up onto the top rope and sets up a superplex, which Kennedy lands on his arse. Taker sits up almost instantly. Kennedy is tossed over the top rope and as Taker is carrying him, Kennedy hits on the rear naked choke. Both men fall to the floor and have a little chat. After the shortest sleeper in the world, Undertaker is “out cold”. Kennedy drags him to the hearse, throws him in and closes the door! But the match isn’t over yet! Kennedy has to drive the hearse out of the arena. He opens the door and Undertaker is there, in the seat! He throws Kennedy into the ring post again and then into the timekeeper’s area. Taker removes the monitors from the announcer’s take but Kennedy fights back with a steel chair, delivering shots to Taker’s ribs.
In the ring, Kennedy hits Taker in the back, goes for a second, reconsiders and hits Taker in the skull twice. Taker just sits up. What a guy. Kennedy runs to the hearse, slips past and goes backstage. Kennedy tries to scale the castle set and Taker is after him. Taker punches Kennedy and Kennedy punches back. They are high up, legit maybe 20-30 feet. Undertaker calls for the chokeslam but is denied and Kennedy tosses him off onto a mattress below. Kennedy is watching, descends the ladder as Little Naitch tells Kennedy to give Taker a moment. Kennedy does not, and goes to open the hearse, returns for Taker and begins to drag Taker to the back of the vehicle.
Kennedy laboriously tosses Undertaker into the back of the hearse and gets into the driver’s seat. Crappy camera from inside the hearse shows Taker sitting up and dragging Kennedy into the back of the hearse. Both men fall out of the back of the hearse and Taker has his wind back, beating on Kennedy, picking up a chair and hitting Kennedy with it. He gets a steel pipe and misses Kennedy, putting it through the window of the hearse instead. Steel chair to Kennedy and he’s bust, having bladed at some point in the last minute. Taker tosses Kennedy up on top of the hearse and calls for the chokeslam, landing Kennedy on the roof of the hearse. Undertaker calls for the Tombstone and hits it.
Kennedy is thrown off the hearse and Taker opens the back of the vehicle, covered in glass. Taker throws Kennedy inside, starts it up, revs the engine and drives out, winning the match in 19:08.
In terms of gimmick matches, it wasn’t bad. Undertaker must be the most gimmicked-up wrestler of all time but he’s not great at using the gimmick in the match. The hearse was only used for a handful of spots with the rest of it being ring-based.
Apparently Cunt JBL was once in a match with the Undertaker.
Both announcers get the match we just watched over as if we weren’t already excited for it.
Backstage, Booker and Finlay have a wee chat. Finlay reassures Booker that they are a team. Booker suggests that the pair of them go out and not be pricks for a change. Queen Sharmell agrees. Finlay does a shite southern accent and then slags Sharmell.
In the arena, it’s Big Dick Johnson dressed as Santa Claus, throwing sweets to the kids. Little children in the audience look on expectantly, yet receive naught. Santa gets the mic and drops a promo about this Naughty and Nice Lingerie shite. Fantastic. Very family friendly. Fuck this.
Kristal comes out first, wearing a silken red gown.
Layla El comes out, wearing a silken pink down.
Jillian comes out, wearing a silken light pink gown.
Ashley comes out, wearing a silken black gown. Of course she is.
Santa tells us that the contest will work like this: each lady will come up, take off their robe and model their lingerie. Kristal is first and she walks for about ten seconds. Shit. Layla does the same but with high kicks this time. Same music, though. Her dance lasts forever. Jillian does it, having little to no charisma and removes her bra to show another bra below with peppermint candies. She touches her tits. Ashley goes up, does the same as everyone else. The announcers big up the fact that Ashley was on Playboy. She attempts to remove her skirt and that takes a bit more time than it should. Finally, Santa points at each Diva, looking for cheers. Kristal gets boos, Layla gets a big pop, Jillian gets boos and Ashley gets a rapturous pop. Santa reveals that everyone is the winner. Shit.
Santa tells us to hit the music and reveals that it’s Big Dick Johnson! He dances, everyone is disgusted and they take forever to leave the ring. It’s depressing.
Promo for the third main event, Batista and Cena against Booker and Finlay. We see the teams fight one another and the question of whether or not they can coexist is asked repeatedly. For the first time ever, two world champions are on the same team, though neither title is on the line.
Back in the arena, King Booker starts his slow crawl to the ring with his shite music and mental wife telling us to hail him. She is saying it a little faster than usual, however, and he seems to be walking at a snail’s pace as opposed to a glacier’s. Fair play to the pair of them. Sharmell shouts at members of the crowd. They give her the finger. A little respect for the woman. Booker is holding his hands at five to two.
Finlay comes down. Little pomp and circumstance with this boy. He has his shillelagh and that’s enough, I suppose. Booker and Finlay shake hands.
Big John Cena’s music hits and the time is up, the time is now, you can’t see him, but he’s there, in plain sight. Tony Chimel completely destroys the, “Jeeeeeeaaaaaaahn Cena!” roar. Cena doesn’t enter the ring.
Batista’s music hits and down he comes, all pumped up and full of cocaine and piss and vinegar and testosterone and steroids. He hits his gun pyro and the crowd is pumped for this. Finally the faces enter the ring and pose. Cena throws the hat hella far. It’s an impressive distance, I tell you what.
John Cena and Batista def. Finlay and King Booker (w/ Queen Sharmell) via pin in 11:29.
The bell goes but the boys just stand in the ring for a while, trying to remember how to start a main event that is a wet fart. Do we want to see these superstars? Yes, of course. Do we want to see a tag match? No.
Cena and Booker chat in the corner and a lovely hip toss is followed by another chat in the corner. Cena hits a lovely arm drag and tags in Batista to little applause. Finlay comes in and the two weakest competitors square off. Big headlock from Batista followed by shoulder barges forces Finlay up to Bret’s rope, where he is caught by Batista, dropped, slapped and put into a catapult and gets double knees in the back. Batista hits the Muscle Buster on Finlay, which is nice, but gets nothing in the pin.
Booker is tagged in and the pair circle each other. The crowd chant for Batista, and the announcers remind us that Booker and Batista have fought over the belt in the past. Very vague, lads. Cena is tagged in and the crowd boo for him until Booker gets the upper hand, hitting Cena with an awkward kick to the jaw. Cena hits a lovely bulldog followed by a spin-out powerbomb into Five Knuckle Shuffle. He lifts Booker for the FU, fails, gets a drop-toe hold into STFU. Christ, he is hitting all of his damn finishers. Sharmell slips Booker the sceptre and he uses it to hit Cena in the throat while the ref’s back is turned. Booker hits the superkick but fails to get the three.
Finlay is in now and holding John’s neck in a lovely hug. The crowd chant, “Let’s go Cena,” but there is no, “Cena sucks,” afterwards. How odd. Then in comes Little Bastard-slash-Hornswaggle, who goes to kick Cena, misses, kicks himself in the head, rolls out of the ring and Booker and Cena hug in response. A sign in the crowd tells us that Michael Cole Sucks. This sign is quickly removed and – I assume – taken by the ushers. Cena is searching for Batista, but cannot find him. He hits the hot tag and Batista is in, hitting the powerslam to Finlay, the spear to Booker, the spear to Finlay, runs out of steam and is caught by Finlay but ducks the superkick. He attempts the powerbomb, is stopped by Finlay and Cena comes in to take care of bidness.
Finlay cracks Batista on the back with a steel chair as Sharmell distracts the ref. Batista no-sells it, knocks Finlay out, hits the spinebuster, the Batista bomb and gets the pin in 11:29.
Nothing match. No storyline, no tension, just faces being faces and heels being heels. I wouldn’t normally be annoyed except this is the main event. This is a Smackdown match.
Who cares who won? Nothing was on the line.
Cena and Batista celebrate in what is a mid-card bout presented as a main event match to please the little boys and girls. This was a nothing match and a crappy end to the PPV as both faces hug each other and both heels shake their fists and grumble. Cunt JBL recounts the main bouts – Inferno, Last Ride, Diva’s Lingerie, Cena/Batista. One of those things is not like the other, boys.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: I can’t give it to anyone other than Joey Mercury.
Woman of the Matches: Queen Sharmell. And she was only on screen for about ten seconds.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Joey Mercury.
Best Spot: Although botched, the leg-drop-to-ladder-shot that damn near killed Joey Mercury.
Hatches: Vladimir Kozlov and Scotty 2 Hotty, Dave Taylor, The Boogeyman, The Miz as an in-ring competitor, Jimmy Wang Yang.
Matches: Paul London and Brian Kendrick retain their WWE Tag Team Championship, [REDACTED] Benoit retains his WWE United States Championship, Gregory Helms retains his WWE Cruiserweight Championship.
Closing Statements: A filler PPV that suffers from some of the same issues that ECW December to Dismember suffered from – bad booking, coming in shortly after another PPV and a nothing main event – or triple main event, if you believe that shite. We are truly within the darkest timeline.
On the Card will return on January 7 2017 with the Raw PPV New Year’s Revolution 2007.