Previously on On the Card: Great Tag Team match, as usual.
Cut to backstage and Regal is asking lads for Finlay and finally finds Vito backstage wearing a dress. Regal is disgusted at this, attempts to skip rope, walks into a trolley of hamburgers and is covered in condiments, slipping and sliding like a newborn deer. What the fuck?
Back in the ring, Teddy Long is walking to the ring with his big swinging arms and a box mid-ring. Teddy announces that it is Miz’s birthday. Oh Christ. Down the Miz comes to the ring, hamming it up, getting nuclear heat from the crowd. Cole loves him, JBL doesn’t, which doesn’t make sense because surely the heel announcer should love the heels? Miz has a wee dance in ring and Teddy announces that Layla is going to come to the ring and come she does, botching an entrance to the ring as well. Layla is better than this nonsense. She asks for a chair and makes the Miz sit on it. His face is wonderful. There’s music and Layla does a wee striptease for him as Miz gives running commentary. Layla puts a blindfold on him and we can all see where this is going, can’t we?
The box rises and Big Dick Johnson comes out in a thong and dances on the Miz, spraying lube on him. One of the commenatators is genuinely laughing his ass off. I think it’s Cole. Only he could find this bollocks amusing. The Miz gets angry as the two pranksters dance mid-ring. Wrestling! Yay! Cole asks what Miz might be doing now. A cold shower, perhaps? JBL replies, “I don’t know, he might be looking for Big Dick.”
Cut to the Titantron and there is a countdown as Montel Vontavious Porter arrives. Old MVP. Most Valuable Player. I see what they did there. He gets mega pyro as well as he walks to the ring in a form-fitting singlet. It is not a nice look. Even JBL gives off about him, saying he stole his outfit from a Power Ranger. MVP has the mic and claims that he will dominate this PPV like no one ever has. The crowd chant, “Power Ranger!” and Cole checks it.
Down comes Marty Garner, a man famous for being the first to receive a Stone Cold Stunner and also botched a Pedigree by assuming it was a powerbomb, jumping too high and landing on his head, suffering neck damage as a result. JBL states that MVP stole his outfit from Battlestar Gallactica. How dare he?
MVP def. Marty Garner via pin in 2:28.
MVP slaps Marty before the match begins. Cole and JBL give off about MVP, not putting him over at all, which goes against the point of a colour commentator, who is supposed to put the heels over. Useless JBL. MVP dominates Garner, sits on Bret’s rope and chain wrestles Garner for a bit. He does squats in the corner and the crowd chant that he is boring. Cole once again checks it like a damn fool. Garner fights back but MVP is stronger, hitting him with a clothesline, bouncing Garner’s head off the mat and hits the Playmaker for the pin in 2:28.
In terms of the cocky-heel-character-who-underestimates-their-opponent-and-then-gets-angry-when-losing-and-wins-through-sheer-strength-and-or-rage match, even this one was shit. I hate MVP now and it’s not good heat, it’s X-Pac heat.
Well it’s a good thing that torture didn’t last long.
Embarrassing for all concerned, especially the announcers who should know better. JBL doesn’t seem to understand his role in the announcing team. If Jerry were here, MVP would be over the moon.
Cut to the locker room and there’s William Regal coming out of the shower, wearing literally only a towel. Vito is right after him, singing, “London Bridge is falling down”. They share penis sizes, with Regal asking Vito if “[his] father were a donkey.” Regal runs outside, hit towel falling, exposing himself to ladies and to Teddy Long, who stops him, naked in the middle of the corridor. We can see Regal’s arse as well, blurred in the version I’m watching. Teddy then responds to this… by putting him in a match. Makes little sense.
Cut to WrestleMania 23 in Detroit promo.
We see a promo for the Mr Kennedy and Undertaker match coming up next, showing a lot of images from the promos maybe ten years ago, seeing Kennedy put him over, showing a horribly gimmicked microphone exploding in Kennedy’s hands. We see Undertaker brutally destroying the greats over the years like Stone Cold, Mankind and a limousine. Kennedy tells Undertaker that he is the future.
Out he waddles, the ring announcer calling him too early. Kennedy gets the mic as it lowers from the sky, shouts at the crowd, hits a weak promo and paces the ring awaiting the Undertaker’s entrance.
When the bell tolls, Kennedy visibly falters. Smoke fills the arena and Undertaker starts his three-day walk to the ring, sure to stop by all the stations of the cross. Michael Cole puts Undertaker over, though it is unnecessary as we all know who the Undertaker is and we all know that Kennedy is fucked. Taker slowly removes his hat and coat. He looks phenomenal. He was 41 at the time, looking the best he’s ever looked. Both Taker and Kenny stare each other out as Little Naitch rings the bell and the match begins.
Mr. Kennedy def. The Undertaker via disqualification in 20:34.
It seems like forever since I’ve seen the Undertaker in a non-gimmicked matchup. How is this possible? Taker rushes towards Kennedy with the Big Boot but Kennedy escapes, running into the boot a few seconds later. Taker hammers on Kennedy, throwing him into the turnbuckle and getting an Old School attempt for his effort. Kennedy escapes and Taker follows, thrashing on Kennedy’s left arm as much as he can. Kennedy, apparently, said that he should move to Raw because he had defeated everyone on Smackdown. That’s how you get a slap in the face.
Taker lifts Kennedy and drops him from seven-plus feet and Taker attacks Kennedy’s damaged elbow. JBL says something… nice for a change. He lists who Undertaker has beaten – Stone Cold, Psycho Sid – and says Taker has been world champ four times. Only four times in fifteen years. Why? Because he does not believe in titles, he believes in causes. Wow. That’s good. Putting him over. Undertaker attempts Old School again and Kennedy pulls him off the turnbuckle, tossing him across the ring. They beat on each other for a while, with Kennedy in control until Taker fights back and goes for his third Old School attempt, finally hitting it. Taker then hits the Russian Leg Sweep and pin but Kennedy kicks out.
In the corner, Kennedy loosens the turnbuckle cover to reveal the steel ring holding the ropes together. Rascal. JBL and Cole argue for a while on the mic and it is all very uninteresting. Naitch, for some reason, leaves the ring and Undertaker is knocked from the apron to the barricade. Taker busts his head on the barricade and legit checks himself for an injury. Taker takes the time to return to the ring and Kennedy takes the initiative to jump on him. Taker catches Kennedy mid-air and smashes him spine-first into the turnbuckle. JBL: “You can breathe after the match.” Shut the fuck up. Pin attempt and Kennedy kicks out.
Kennedy pulls Taker out of the ring and calls for Little Naitch to start counting, which he does because he’s a great lad. Kennedy hits the DDT on Taker, goes for the pin but Taker’s foot is on the rope. Good man yourself. Kennedy hits Taker with some great forearms followed by a choke on the ring and another pin attempt. Kennedy chokes Taker, who is finding it difficult to get to his feet. The crowd chant, “Taker! Taker!” and Cole checks it by saying, “Undertaker chants throughout the crowd.” Kennedy lays the boot into Taker’s face like the bastard he is but Taker refuses to die. Another pin attempt, another fail and the turnbuckle is still exposed. Chekov’s Turnbuckle.
Undertaker fights back, striking on Kennedy over and over. A fan leans over the railing and roars at Kennedy before asking Taker for a high five. Taker hits Kennedy with a leg drop on the apron. Cole asks how the leg drop feels and JBL sells it like a car on his chest. Kennedy hits an almost-botched and certainly brutal tombstone attempt but misses two pins before hugging Undertaker for some time. Nice wee hug. A replay of the piledriver. Brutal looking. I’m surprised the Undertaker isn’t dead. Little Naitch hits the best spot ever where the ref lifts the hand and drops it once, twice, thr-NO! UNDERTAKER IS UP!
Taker backdrops Kennedy and the two men have quite a bit of a sit. Running of the ropes followed by the jumping clothesline and Taker hits two clotheslines mid-ring followed by a toss into the turnbuckle, Big Boot, leg drop and pin attempt. Kennedy kicks out so Taker goes for the Chokeslam but Kennedy grabs the ref, goes for the swinging neckbreaker and hilariously attempts the pin. Taker misses two kicks, finally hits the Chokeslam. Taker goes for the Last Ride and Kennedy escapes. Little Naitch is in the corner and Undertaker removes him, allowing Kennedy to hit Taker will a bulldog to the exposed turnbuckle. Senton Bomb from Kennedy and he barely gets the two. Taker sits up and Kennedy grabs his US Championship belt and goes to hit taker but Little Naitch stops him before Taker knocks him down. The Deadman lifts up the belt and finally cracks Kennedy in the skull, calling the DQ for Kennedy’s win in 20:34.
Amazing match. Really good psychology that is ruined by the shitty ending. I get that no one went over clean and Kennedy looked like a million bucks but Taker looked like a child at the end, throwing his toys out of his pram.
Poor Ric Flair.
Taker goes to chokeslam Little Naitch, decides against it, attacks Kennedy instead and sets up the Tombstone Piledriver before turning onto Little Naitch and hitting him with the Tombstone too. Cheeky man. Is it a heel turn? Is it a face turn? We may never know…
On the Card will return on October 22 with the third part of No Mercy 2006.