Previously on On the Card: Decent matches so far. This is getting ready to be one of the best PPVs I’ve watched on this blog.
Cut to the match promo showing DX returning and embarrassing Vince McMahon like a bunch of children. Vince retaliates with ECW champ Big Show attacking DX and McMahon himself beating on DX, making them bloody in the process. Vince calls for Hell in the Cell and shows how bloody it can get. DX’s gloves come off. No more silly games. No more stupid gosh-for-darn pranks, this is the DX we want, the ones who are ruthless, dangerous and chop their crotches instead of spouting catchphrases. Fuck yeah.
Back in the arena and the Hell in the Cell is being lowered to the ring. The new version is twenty feet higher, apparently. Lots of stats.
Here comes the money! Shane O Mac comes down for his first Hell in the Cell, ten years before his great match against Undertaker at WrestleMania 32.
Big Show comes down next, taking his damn time because the man doesn’t want to overwork that heart of his. He really is a great big tall man. I love Big Show. He seems like a great guy to know.
It’s no chance! I love Vince’s theme tune. I really do. I hate Vince’s strut, though, that one that looks like he’s just taken a jaggy shite. JR tells us that this is the first Hell in the Cell at Unforgiven and the first one that is a handicap match. JR rhymes off the list of injuries that Hell in the Cell has committed including a cameraman injured in the first one (Badd Blood 1997) and Irish Referee Tim White’s refereeing career ended in 2002. He then rhymes off injuries caused to wrestlers, most to Mick Foley and most to that Hell in the Cell match at King of the Ring 1998.
Big pause before DX asks if we are ready and gives us seizures with their bloody intro package. Trips and Michaels are introduced as “The Game, Triple H and the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels.” Shawn was in the first Hell in the Cell, the one where Kane appeared and ripped the side of the cell open. Vince is going mental and dying to get at DX but Big Show holds him back and jaws off to DX. Just before the bell rings, Michaels and Trips kick Big Show right in the balls. Good lads. He falls, knees buckled, looking like a parody of himself.
Handicap Hell in a Cell match: D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels) def. Team McMahon (Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon and The Big Show) via pinfall in 25:04.
DX wail on the McMahons. Hell in the Cell and Steel Cage matches are difficult to watch due to the amount of metal in the way of the screen. Shane gets beat on the worst and is thrown out of the ring, closely followed by his father. Big Show is standing and we get stereo low blows from behind. JR quips, “There may be some swelling… I’ll never know if that’s the case.” Aye, right, JR. You’ll be in there with your wee glasses going, “Show us it, Paul. Christ, look at that. Is that… it’s like leopard print, isn’t it?”
Michaels and Trips beat on their McMahon separately. Shawn hammers on Shane on the apron and pulls on the rope, catapulting Shane into the cage side. Shane has slid beneath the ring bladed at some point and is badly bust on the floor so Shawn rubs his head against the side like a cheese grater. This is standard Hell in the Cell fare. Vince has bladed as well. And Trips pops him in the forehead before rubbing his head against the side, too. Jerry asks, “It doesn’t have to be like this, does it JR?” and JR replies, “Damn right it does! It’s Hell in a Cell!”
Big Show is away somewhere and Shane is thrown against the side of the ring. Trips has… a fucking screwdriver? And he is driving it into McMahon’s wound. JR says, “There are no rules… only victims.” In the ring, Show is up and Trips bodyslams Vince. Trips is knocked down by Show and he catches Shawn mid-air. Big Show has been out for about five minutes since his nut-shot and is now up and clearing house. He punches Trips and once again, Shawn is caught by Show mid-air. Trips is up and both DX men fling Show into the steel steps. “Steel has no conscience… much like a McMahon.”
Shawn beats on Shane as Trips crotch chops and knees Vince in the head. Show is back in the match and hitting lads. Shane knocks Shawn out of the ring, over the ropes, and what a shot it is. Shane takes the time to attack Trips. It is, much like previous DX matches, uneventful and forgettable so far. All of these men are just stepping through the spots. There is little story here. Trips is hit with a chokeslam and Team McMahon don’t even bother to pin him, opting to attack Michaels by standing near the edge of the Cell and lifting Michaels into a powerbomb position so his face cracks off the Cell side. In the ring, Shane is beating on Trips. Michaels has bladed now. We’re three for five in blades. Tenner says Trips will but Show won’t. Tenner. I’m good for it.
Shane goes below the ring to get a trashcan and sets Trips up in the corner to hit a Coast-to-Coast. What a move. He crotch chops before hitting it and Trips’ ear is legit cut. Michaels is bleeding heavily at this point and, although Trips did not blade, four of the five men in the match are bleeding. Show is not. Shane sets up an elaborate steel steps situation where Shane can catapult Trips into the corner. Trips seems to have bladed for real, actually, and is not covered in blood. Christ of Almighty.
Vince calls for Show to hit Michaels with a Vader Bomb. Vince goes to pin Shawn but pulls him up before the ref hits three, asking Show to hit the backbreaker on Shawn before hitting him with a leg drop. Once again, Vince pins him but lifts his head before the three can be hit. Trips comes in and clears house, knocking Show out of the ring, beating on Vince and is about to hit the Pedigree when Shane lifts him and carries Trips about like he’s about to drop the Olympic Slam on him. When he finally does drop him, Trips has countered it into a reverse-RKO-style attack that JR calls a “Superstar Billy Graham-style backbreaker.” Fair play.
Michaels is up, attempts Sweet Chin Music but Shane catches his foot and Shawn hits the enziguri. Vince knocks Shawn to the ground and removes his trousers to get Shawn into the Kiss-My-Ass club. As Vince is being a pervert, Trips is in front of him, knocks him to the ground with a punch and is floored himself by Show. On the floor, Vince does his trousers up. Decency above all else. Vince goes to pin Vince but asks Show to splash Michaels first but Michaels pulls Vince into the path of Show. Distraught, Show retreats to the corner for a wee cry and has his testicles crushed once more by DX. I sense a theme here around the nether regions and I sense it is about to get far worse.
Shawn knocks Shane out of the way, attempts a kip-up, fails and attempts it again. Atmoic Drop followed by Spinebuster and Trips pops outside to get a steel chair for Shane. He sets the chair around Shane’s neck and Shawn hits a very gentle elbow drop on him. Shane begins to spit up blood! I could not find anywhere on the internet to confirm that Shane used a blood capsule, but the consensus is that he’s seen biting on one when rolling around after the elbow drop.
Big Show comes in and Jerry points out that Show isn’t bleeding. Show brings in the steel steps, has a wee roar to himself and lifts the steps over his head like an idiot. Trips smacks him in the tummy with the chair and Shawn busts him with a Sweet Chin Music. Show is over the ropes with his arse in the air and as Vince gets to his feet (after fresh blading) and faces DX, he winces, knowing what is coming next. DX expose Big Show’s arse, pulling down his singlet to expose it. Vince is less than impressed. JR says, “Billionaire buttplug!” and Vince’s head is shoved up Show’s arse. Great, great stuff. Ten out of ten, lads. You may all retire now; you’re not beating this by a long shot.
Show unceremoniously tumbles out of the ring and Trips gets the sledgehammer, throwing up the X sign as Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music and Vince falls to his knees as Trips cracks him in the back of the neck with the sledge! Luckily, he connects on a weak part of the wood and the head spirals off somewhere (hopefully a rubber head as well) and Trips gets the pin in 25:04.
Ugh. Spotfest. No story. Garbage wrestling.
Oh man, I love blood!
My tastes have obviously become refined because ten years ago, I would have called that shit Match of the Year.
The crowd rejoice as DX beat Team McMahon. Blood is everywhere. It is gruesome. We had two arses, numerous lacerations, at least four bladings, maybe more, two kayfabe neck injuries, one broken sledgehammer and no story. Replays of the worst spots of the match and the best. The ending was good. I’ll give them that. Shawn touches Trip’s bum as they leave.
Cut to a promo about Trish Stratus having her last match with the Fed. She decided to leave due to her mounting injuries and the fact that her mother was diagnosed with cancer. The promo is quite sweet and completely forgets the fact that she started off as a heel piece of ass for Test and Albert. There’s a fake drama about real drama as Lita “leaked” Trish’s retirement plans. We also see a gruesome suicide dive from Lita where she damn near kills herself. Trish and Lita are legit friends (Trish inducted Lita into the Hall of Fame) and it’s nice to see them square off in Trish’s last match. Lita is heeling it up loads. Great woman. Also, Trish has a hella Canuck accent.
Cut to the ring and Lita enters to her awful theme to no pop. As is tradition, the champ comes out first because Trish is leaving. JR takes the time to tell us the next PPV, No Mercy, October 8th.
The crowd bay for Trish and when the laugh hits, they pop. Great hometown pop. She gets lots of cheers and is due to win her seventh title.
WWE Women’s Championship match: Trish Stratus def. Lita (c) via submission in 11:34.
Big “Thank you, Trish!” cheer rises as Trish and Lita circle before locking up. Lita gives her a big slap, Irish whip to the corner and gets a clothesline for her effort. Trish stands on her hands, gets Lita’s head between her ankles and finally hurricanranas her after a while. Good job. Lita rolls to the outside and Trish attempts to get at her, finally jumping from the apron to Lita, slipping about on the mat where it has been mopped of blood after the Hell in the Cell. She hits Lita with the handstand-hurricanrana job and the pair roll into the ring.
In the ring, the pace slows down with simple strikes, wait time and rest holds. Trish’s tights are in danger of falling very low on her. Trish takes over when she beats on Lita in the corner and gets Flair Woos for Flair Chops. Lita goes to top rope and Trish once again hits the MaTrish Revolutions (that handstand headscissors takedown whose name I have been avoiding since it is silly and reminds me of disappointment) but the two grapple on the top rope before falling disappointedly out of the ring, landing awkwardly.
The ref starts the countout and the two girls scramble for the top rope with Lita pulling Trish off, goes for the moonsault – a scary moment for me as I worried about the wet boots from the mop water outside – but misses as Trish rolls out of the way. Trish goes for the pin but gets only two. Trish goes for the Stratusfaction but throws Trish out of the ring. That’s three ring-outs in twice as many minutes. Back in the ring, Lita goes for the pin and some cunt wolf whistles. Classy, boys. Classy as fuck.
Lita kicks on our girl Trish and JR has difficulty selling this break in the action so talks about the injuries sustained during the Hell in the Cell. To be fair, the last time Trish was in the ring, she damn near broke her arm, so there might be an injury here too. Lita taunts Trish and, with the greatest betrayal that only a Canuck can muster, she pops Lita right in the jaw and they roll about for a bit. Another pin attempt and another kick-out. JR sells the infamous “energy loss” from kicking out of a pin. If it is so hard to kick out, why aren’t matches just pinning combos?
Trish fights back, gets Lita in a neckbreaker and the ref starts a countout. JR thanks the armed forces (thank you for your service) and Trish finally hits Lita with a top-rope MaTrish Revolutions followed by a superkick that fails to get the three count. Lita goes for Twist of Fate, Trish reverses it into a Stratusfaction (springboard bulldog), Lita blocks it, Trish sunset flips her, Lita Aloha Arns before Trish gets the legs up to pin Lita and almost gets the pin before turning it into a Sharpshooter! Lita drags her sorry carcass to the ropes but Trish pulls her away and Lita taps out in 11:34.
Is it the best women’s match ever? No, of course not, we have Melina vs. Alicia Fox to thank for that little classic. Is it the best women’s match so far? Undoubtedly. It was a better match for what it was – after the semi-main-event of Hell in the Hell, being the token women’s match of the card and having a returning and then leaving Diva – and it wasn’t as good as it could have been – both Lita and Trish are far better competitors than what we saw out there today… but as a final match for a woman in 2006, it was wonderful. Ten-plus minutes of tight, well-engineered wrestling with minimal rest holds, nice transitions and Lita taking the brunt of the beating as Trish goes out in her home town with style. Well done.
Can women wrestle? Why don’t they wrestle more often?
Trish has a wee cry in the centre of the ring. God bless you, Trish., you’re a great woman. Thing is, though, we know that she is leaving the Fed. Lillian Garcia is having a wee cry, too and Jerry has shut the fuck up and just let JR kick ass as the only commentator.
On the Card will return on October 1st with the third and final part of Unforgiven 2006.