Previously on On the Card: Good Booker/Batista match and the DX/McMahon match was acceptable…
Cut to a promo for WrassleMania 23 in Detroit. Card isn’t up yet so they can’t even advertise anything.
Cut to Cena/Edge promo for the championship. We see Edge win the Money in the Bank ladder match at WrassleMania 23 and him cashing it in at New Year’s Revolution, losing it again to Cena at Royal Rumble before winning it back on Raw in a triple threat match between Cena, RVD and Edge. Then Edge slaps John Cena’s dad, the cheeky monkey. Edge threatens Cena and the Doctor of Thuganomics fights back. We see Lita being a dick and John Cena drops his R’s calling Edge the “Rated aww soopahstaaaw.”
Lilian Garcia explains the rules: there is no Champions Advantage here and if Edge gets DQ’d, he loses.
Cena’s music hits and down he comes, being all Cena, all the time. Someone in the crowd has a great “U Can’t C ME” sign with moveable hand. Great lad.
Edge’s perfect music hits and the crowd erupt. Another riot sign, this time saying, “If Edge wins, we riot”. Edge is apparently 6-1 at SummerSlam but Cena is only 2-0. JR reminds us that Edge will lose the title if he gets DQ’d but Cena is the same.
WWE Championship match: Edge (c) (w/ Lita) def. John Cena via pin in 15:41.
Cena wastes no time in running into Edge and pushing him towards the turnbuckle, only retreating to eye up his opponent and run back in. Cena delivers some great punches and kicks to our man Edge followed by a pin and only the two. Cena Irish whips Edge into the corner, where he almost hits the ref, but stops in time for Cena to hit a great belly-to-belly on the Rated-R Superstar. Cena dives through the ropes after a failed shoulder barge. Countout for Cena but he rolls in at 7.
Edge beats on Cena as JR reminds the audience about ways that Edge can be DQ’d, including maintaining holds after a five count. Cena is knocked to the outside and another countout starts. Ref gets to 9 before Cena rolls back in. Edge goes for another pin but gets only two. Edge hits Cena with a great spinning heel kick. Cena is from West Newbury, Massachusetts, which is near Boston, so the crowd are a bit riled up. Edge is a filthy Canuck.
Cena hits Edge with a great suplex but gets only a two-count. Shameful. Cena is thrown over the top rope, the sound is amazing. Good man yourself. Another countout and Cena breaks it. Edge keeps whipping on Cena and an Irish whip is countered. Cena tries to hit a crossbody but Edge ducks. A clothesline brings Cena to the mat once again. Rest hold city as both men take a breather.
JR cannot believe the “hideous conduct of our WWE Champion,” as Edge and Cena cuddle mid-ring. Lita watches on, worried that Edge might, once again, take part in a live sex celebration. Rest hold is broken and Cena fights back, booting Edge and getting a kick in response. Edge goes top rope but Cena punches him, getting ready for the superplex. Edge knocks Cena off, perches and awaits Cena’s rising, getting a great flying clothesline. Edge is very frustrated.
Rousing chant of, “Let’s go Cena! Cena sucks!” as Edge gets Cena in a Camel Clutch to break Cena’s back and make the man humble. Cena lifts Edge up and drops him on his arse. The two men lie about for a while and at the count of six, they’re up, Cena hitting Edge with a jumping bulldog. Lita gets the chair for Edge and the Rated-R Superstar shouts, “No!” and throws it away as Cena jumps up, hits Edge with the shoulder barges, Five Knuckle Shuffle and goes for the FU but gets a DDT from Edge instead. Edge goes to the top rope but Cena is up, going for a super-FU, Edge reverses and Cena reverses that into a roll-up. Edge goes for the cross-body, but Cena rolls through, going for the FU, another reversal and Cena is Irish whipped into the ropes. He almost hits Lita, stops in time and jumps out of the way as Edge hits his girlfriend by mistake!
Both men lie about for a while and Lita is sore by the announcer’s table. Edge is up first and gets ready for the spear which Cena reverses with the drop-toe hold into an STFU. Edge is crawling away, Lita gets the belt to use as a weapon, Edge says no, but as he breaks the hold with a grab of the ropes, Lita puts brass knuckles on Cena. The bitch. Edge goes to punch Cena, who dodges and sets up the FU. Lita jumps in the ring and onto Edge so that Cena lifts both up into a double FU. Lita goes first and Edge cracks Cena with the brass knuckles, getting the pin and retaining his Championship in 15:21.
Good match. I would expect nothing less from Cena and Edge. I loved how Lita kept trying to make Edge cheat and he would shake his head. Great stuff all together, apart from the screwy finish.
Ohhhh! Lita! You’re the worst.
Edge just gets out of dodge and actually forgets about Lita! Silly goose. Cena looks fucked ringside. He’s lost in his home state. Shame and disgrace.
The Go Home Stats.
Man of the Matches: None of the matches this PPV were that impressive. I mean, the Cena/Edge match was great and the Flair/Foley match was just blood and guts, but the rest weren’t great. I want to give the Man of the Matches award to… Rey Mysterio for giving it his all in his own match and botching very little.
Woman of the Matches: No Women’s Match again this time around and, other than the awful promo with Layla’s arse, the only women involved were crafty bitches Melina, Queen Sharmell and Lita. It goes to Lita.
Montel Vontavious Porter Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Lita!
Best Spot: Coast-to-Coast interception with Sweet Chin Music.
Hatches: Chavo Guerroro, Hulk Hogan
Matches: Big Show, Booker T and Edge all retained.
On The Card Hall Of Fame
Every “Big Four” PPV (Wrestlemania, Summerslam, Survivor Series, Royal Rumble) I will choose a man and woman to be inducted into the hall of fame. A man and woman must have been named either a Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches in the previous months since the last “Big Four” PPV. Once a man or woman is inducted, they may not be inducted again but can still win Man of the Matches or Woman of the Matches. Through this, we can course the dizzying highs and savage lows of the wrestling landscape throughout the years. If no one new has been given the title of Man or Woman of the Matches, then a candidate will be chosen from the highest-rated matches since the last “Big Four” PPV. If no one is to be found there, then we go to the next highest-rated matches and so on. If we (unlikely) get to the bottom of the pile, then the Hall of Fame will remain empty to show the excellent calibre of the wrestlers and shallow roster.
Man of the Matches: Shawn Michaels, Chris [REDACTED] Benoit, Randy Orton, Carlito, Paul London, Rey Mysterio.
The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Shawn Michaels for his dedication to the craft, excellent matches and just being great.
Woman of the Matches: Trish Stratus, Queen Sharmell, Beulah McGillicutty, [NONE], Queen Sharmell, Lita.
The Winner and Entrant to the Hall of Fame is… Queen Sharmell for being the best at what she does.
Closing Statements: SummerSlam ’06 was almost great déjà vu: it was a classic but not for the right reasons. The roster was so thick that many wrestlers did not try hard enough because they were big fish in huge, massive ponds and, as usual, the main eventers are not necessarily the best wrestlers, just those who the crowd pay for.
On the Card will return on Sept 17 with the Raw PPV Unforgiven 2006.