Previously on On the Card: Cunt Hogan and Cunt Flair…
Cut to Vince and Shane with Armando Alejandro Estrada, who assures the McMahons that they can count on Umaga, who is their enforcer for their match versus D-X,
Cut to the ring and King Booker’s theme hits, that annoying one with one three notes that wasn’t supposed to play for more than ten seconds that he plays for hours as he walks to the ring and celebrates after. Sharmell is on the mic, reminding us to hail King Booker, which we do, and with great gusto. Booker is brilliant as he wakes to his adoring crowd, nodding and thanking them. Some actually hail him, some clap and others just watch. Great shot of a “If Cena Wins We Riot” sign that says, “If King Booker Wins The Peasants Revolt.” Very funny.
Booker enters the ring and Sharmell has said, “All Hail King Booker” about a million times. JBL calls her hot, which is a lot from that bigot, although he might be thinking of setting her on fire, as is his racist wont. The lights change and the announcer states that the match is for the World Heavyweight Championship. He announces Booker first, which is not how it should be, it should be challenger first, champ last.
But we know why he did that because when Batista’s music pops and The Animal comes out, he gets a mega pop. Batista is an actual monster, like, he is huge. JBL says that, “Batista cried like a little bitch,” when he lost his championship eight and a half months ago. Cheeky rascal.
World Heavyweight Championship Match: Batista def. Booker T via DQ in 10:26
Batista and Booker lock up as Maggle rattles off a list of people who they have fought.
Straight-up Shoot Fact: Back in May 2006, as they were posing for the atrocious poster for SummerSlam, Booker and Batista get into a legit fight because Batista thought that he was better than the rest of the locker room, even claiming that SmackDown ratings dwindled in his absence. Booker did not take kindly to this, brought him to a room and for five minutes, they hashed it out, even coming to fisticuffs at one point before it was broken apart by a number of other wrasslers including Fit Finlay. The results of the fight vary depending on who you ask but Booker was sporting a lovely black eye at the Smackdown tapings after the fight.
Booker slaps Batista and the Animal shoves him to the ground. Just like the last Batista match with Mr. Kennedy, we never know if The Animal is acting or not. He catches a kick from Booker, turns it into a dodgy bodyslam and gets a two on the pin. Booker rolls out of the ring, grabs his Queen and Batista drags him back in, hitting Booker with a spinebuster and calling for the Batista Bomb. Booker hits Batista with a weak throw into the ropes and stomps on his quarry for some time. Snapmare takedown and chinlock city.
Batista gets to his feet and Booker cracks him with some knees and a Flair chop. Batista reverses an Irish whip and hits a belly-to-belly but gets only two in the pin. Booker rolls outside and as Sharmell distracts the ref, Booker cracks Batista with his sceptre. Back in the ring, Booker gets a two-count for his efforts. Arm lock city.
The two men fail at strikes and Booker falls on the top rope between his legs, hurting his balls. Comedy gold. Pin and two, again. On the outside, Booker throws Batista into the steel steps. In the ring, Booker only gets a two-count on Batista so hits him with a Book End, goes for the scissors kick and Batista dodges, hitting a great suplex to the champ. Some shoulder-barges in the corner leads to some Irish whips and a neckbreaker to a pin but gets only two. Booker goes for another Book End and Batista counters into a full nelson. Batista is about to go for the Batista Bomb when Sharmell runs into the ring and interferes, causing the DQ and giving Batista the win but not the championship in 10:26.
Ugh. Not good. Batista is very over with the crowd but this match seems to be two men sandbagging each other. There is no energy here between the two men and nothing looks powerful at all. The interference at the end should come at a time when the crowd are super hyped and screaming for a win. Instead, it was very flat and without much of a reaction, more of a groan than a boo.
I heard these two boys hate each other.
Booker is about to hit Batista with the scissors kick but Batista counters with a spinebuster and Batista Bomb. Booker rolls out of the ring, leaves with the championship and his mad shit-eating wife. Batista is very upset about the whole thing.
Cut to the men’s locker room where D-X are chatting to someone hidden behind the door. They leave the locker room with little fanfare.
JR calls the D-X vs. Mr and Shane McMahon match as “The most eagerly anticipated match in SummerSlam history,” which is a spit in the face of every other match in SummerSlam history. We see the prank wars between D-X and the McMahons with Shawn and Trips dressing up as Shane and Vince respectively and calling Vince gay. Hilarious. We see them throwing poop at McMahon and the Spirit Squad and… changing Vince’s mic to make it sound squeaky. My sides. Someone stop, please. I am a young man. I have so much to live for. In reaction, Vince and Shane fight back, getting Umaga, the police and bullying D-X, whipping Shawn Michaels, getting him arrested, booking a Trips vs. Umaga match and giving the Pedigree to Trips.
Back in the ring, the “Are you ready?” of the D-X theme hits and the crowd go bananas as the video causes a dozen seizures throughout the arena and hundreds more at home. Porygon be damned. Lilian Garcia introduces them and Shawn runs about the ring like a child. They hit stereo X-chops and Trips pulls off his shirt Hogan-style. He even runs to the ropes and listens for the crowd’s cheer. Trips has the mic. Oh this is going to be classy.
He asks if the crowd is ready. They’re not loud enough for him so he asks again. For the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world, he reminds them that Vince loves cock. He does his “Lllllllet’s get ready to suck it!” chant which is shit on its own never mind when followed up by Shawn’s “If you’re not down with that…” shout. No sense. Makes no sense.
“Here Comes the Money” hits and Shane walks out on his own followed by “No Chance” and Mr. McMahon. They both stand on the ramp before walking down with the Vince strut. They stop halfway there, turn back and The Spirit Squad come out, getting Sweet Chin Music’d by Shawn, Pedigree’d by Trips and tossed out of the ring. JR names them off as, “Nicky, Kenny… Dopey… Pedigreed.” Great.
Vine and Shane make another walk to the ring, stop and Mr. Anderson comes out followed by William Regal and Finlay. A brawl in the ring where Shawn hits a jumping shoulder, kip-up and eventual beatdown. Obviously D-X win, having ruined five men so far. Vince points to the back and Big Show comes down, fresh off his ECW win vs. Sabu. If D-X ruin him, then it’s saying that ECW is rubbish. Amazingly, Show goes over Michaels and Trips is destroyed by the boys outside. Jerry calls Show “Extreme” which is a bit of a lie. Show removes the top of the ECW table and chokeslams Trrrrriple H through it. JR says that “The Game’s back may be broken!”
Finally, Vince and Shane walk to the ring and roll in, gloating and calling for the bell even though both members of D-X aren’t at their corners. Bad at following the rules, boys.
D-Generation X (Triple H and Shawn Michaels def. Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon via pin in 13:01.
Vine and Shawn brawl mid-ring with Vince showing his strength by lifting Shawn for a bodyslam. Shane is in and running around like a headcase, gearing up for the punches and jabbing Michaels a bunch of times followed by a clothesline. JR wonders aloud why the EMTs and trainers are not out to check on Triple H, who is still lying in the wreckage of the table. Vince beats on Shane in the corner and when the ref’s back is turned, he chokes Michaels with the tag ropes.
Shawn takes a double clothesline and finally Trips awakens. Shane drives a pair of elbows into Michaels and slides out of the ring to beat on Trips for a bit. In ring, he hits Shawn with some weird neckbreaker things. Vince is back in and they hit Michaels with the double suplex. Trips tries to get up after Vince and Shane hit Shawn with a double elbow drop and Shane slides out to beat him back down. Jerry and JR lament the lack of paramedics in the arena. Shane hits a great elbow off the top rope and Shawn takes the beating without a pin yet. The match has now gone on for five minutes and Shawn has had no offensive in. Vince gets Shawn in an electric chair and Shane jumps off the top rope to a flying clothesline. Shane finally goes for the pin and JR wishes that it was over.
Shawn, amazingly, kicks out thrice and gets a great comeback, beating down first one then both McMahons. Trips is still outside, slowly crawling to the turnbuckle as the ref begins the countout. Shane is up but is beaten down by Shawn and finally Trips gets in with the hot tag and starts clearing house, hitting Shane with a beautiful neckbreaker, running knee and cracking Vince and Shane with great clotheslines followed by a great spinebuster on Shane and a bodyslam in Vince that Michaels takes advantage of with a diving elbow. Trips hits the crotch chops and Shawn and Shane go over the top rope. Jerry brings up Vince’s “Kiss My Ass Club” and JR chastises him for it.
The crowd boo as Umaga turns up with Armando Alejandro Estrada and Umaga goes to town on Shawn, hitting him with a great kick. The ref is distracted by Estrada as Umaga hits Trips with the Samoan Spike but just as he’s about to get Michaels, pyro hits and down comes Kane! He beats on Umaga and drags him backstage after a total of two seconds of airtime, which, for a libertarian like Kane is more than enough.
Vince goes for the pin, fails, and attacks the ref Mike Chioda. Vince rolls Mike out of the ring almost as Shane sets up the trashcan on Trips in the corner for a Coast to Coast. As Trips moves, Shane jumps and is intercepted mid-air by a Sweet Chin Music from Michaels. Vince gets one too and Trips hits him with a Pedigree for the pin in 13:01.
It was a good match for what it was, which was to show how much power Vince and Shane had over Michaels and Trips. I think that Kane’s entry was a bit silly and that it would have been far better had the ref been knocked out at that point, Vince and Shane could have been on the ramp with Trips and Shawn. Kane could have stormed past and leisurely thrown Shane and Vince aside before getting into the ring with Umaga, trading blows, maybe a few specials. Maybe Estrada could have hit Kane and it didn’t faze him and he retaliates with beating Umaga up and out of the ring, leaving Vince, Shane, Shawn and Trips alone to have a genuine “match” where D-X win. I know it’s gest booking, but the match made Trips and Shawn look weak in comparison to Vince and Shane because they took too long to get back from the beating.
Man that Coast-to-Coast interception was great.
As Trips and Shawn celebrate in the ring with minimal enthusiasm. Trips even goes to beat up a child in the audience, the rascal. Trips does his Hogan move and Shawn has difficulty raising his right arm to flex though neither announcer comments.
On the Card will return on September 10 with the fourth and final part of SummerSlam 2006.